1 00:00:04,559 --> 00:00:07,960 Speaker 1: Hello everybody. I'm Jemma Spake and welcome back to the 2 00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:11,280 Speaker 1: Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through 3 00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:16,000 Speaker 1: the biggest changes, moments, and transitions of our twenties and 4 00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:24,919 Speaker 1: what they mean for our psychology. Before we get into it, 5 00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:27,400 Speaker 1: I want to let you guys know that this episode 6 00:00:27,440 --> 00:00:29,960 Speaker 1: and The Psychology of Your Twenties is. 7 00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:31,760 Speaker 2: Now on Netflix. 8 00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:35,720 Speaker 1: That is a wild thing to say, but it is true. 9 00:00:35,800 --> 00:00:38,960 Speaker 1: If you want to watch the video version of this 10 00:00:39,120 --> 00:00:42,360 Speaker 1: podcast and you are in the US or Canada, you 11 00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:45,280 Speaker 1: can go to Netflix right now look up the Psychology 12 00:00:45,320 --> 00:00:48,400 Speaker 1: of Your Twenties, and you will see my face and 13 00:00:48,440 --> 00:00:50,040 Speaker 1: you will see our podcasts. 14 00:00:50,400 --> 00:00:51,360 Speaker 2: It goes without saying. 15 00:00:51,479 --> 00:00:55,360 Speaker 1: It is such an honor and I'm truly so grateful 16 00:00:55,400 --> 00:00:58,520 Speaker 1: to you all that you have given me this opportunity. 17 00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:02,960 Speaker 1: The entire feel, the vibe is incredible. I think it's 18 00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:05,640 Speaker 1: so personal. It brings a whole new element to it. 19 00:01:05,760 --> 00:01:08,039 Speaker 1: And if you want to feel like you are sitting 20 00:01:08,080 --> 00:01:11,000 Speaker 1: in your living room, in my living room with me 21 00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:15,680 Speaker 1: having a chat, now is your opportunity. Go to Netflix, 22 00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:18,240 Speaker 1: look up the Psychology of Your Twenties. I'd love to 23 00:01:18,240 --> 00:01:21,160 Speaker 1: see you over there. But without further Ado, Let's get 24 00:01:21,160 --> 00:01:24,759 Speaker 1: into the episode. Hello everybody, welcome back to the show. 25 00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:28,720 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. It is so great to 26 00:01:28,720 --> 00:01:30,720 Speaker 1: have you here, back for another episode as we break 27 00:01:30,760 --> 00:01:35,440 Speaker 1: down the psychology of our twenties. Just a heads up, 28 00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:40,400 Speaker 1: today's episode will be naturally covering topics like sex, sexual assault, 29 00:01:40,480 --> 00:01:44,320 Speaker 1: and other mature themes, but also difficult themes. So if 30 00:01:44,319 --> 00:01:47,320 Speaker 1: this is something you may find hard to hear, please 31 00:01:47,720 --> 00:01:50,840 Speaker 1: consider your own headspace and wellbeing and whether or not 32 00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:53,520 Speaker 1: now is the time to listen to this episode. It 33 00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:56,320 Speaker 1: will still be here in a month a year for 34 00:01:56,400 --> 00:01:59,240 Speaker 1: you to come back to, so just remember to. 35 00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:00,000 Speaker 2: Take care of yourself. 36 00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:04,720 Speaker 1: So, guys, today's episode is hopefully going to be like 37 00:02:04,760 --> 00:02:08,280 Speaker 1: the big sister slash best friend version of the sex 38 00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:09,359 Speaker 1: education class you. 39 00:02:09,320 --> 00:02:10,160 Speaker 2: Never had in school. 40 00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:13,760 Speaker 1: We cover so many, obviously, I think important topics on 41 00:02:13,760 --> 00:02:17,760 Speaker 1: this podcast, like breakups and work and specific mental health issues, 42 00:02:18,600 --> 00:02:21,440 Speaker 1: all things that you have to do without twenties. But 43 00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:24,560 Speaker 1: sex is a part of our twenties I don't often 44 00:02:25,320 --> 00:02:28,680 Speaker 1: talk about, and sdis STDs are a part of that 45 00:02:28,720 --> 00:02:31,160 Speaker 1: as well, not just a physical part of it, not 46 00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:33,520 Speaker 1: just a risk part of it, but a psychological part 47 00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:38,079 Speaker 1: of our twenties for so many of us. Sdis are 48 00:02:38,120 --> 00:02:40,919 Speaker 1: so common. They are also treatable or at the very 49 00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:45,360 Speaker 1: least manageable when you have access to healthcare. But socially 50 00:02:45,520 --> 00:02:49,960 Speaker 1: and emotionally speaking, they have such an impact still to 51 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:52,840 Speaker 1: this day on how we date, how we see ourselves, 52 00:02:53,360 --> 00:02:54,639 Speaker 1: how we see others, how. 53 00:02:54,480 --> 00:02:55,440 Speaker 2: We see our future. 54 00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:59,720 Speaker 1: Even if you are the most sex positive, therapy literate 55 00:02:59,720 --> 00:03:02,120 Speaker 1: person and on the planet, I still think there is 56 00:03:02,160 --> 00:03:07,000 Speaker 1: a huge taboo around sexually transmitted infections or diseases, and 57 00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:11,320 Speaker 1: finding out you have one is always going to be shocking. 58 00:03:11,360 --> 00:03:15,040 Speaker 1: It's always going to be or feel life altering or scary, 59 00:03:15,080 --> 00:03:17,760 Speaker 1: and it brings a lot of shame. And that's why 60 00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:21,120 Speaker 1: I want to talk about how to approach this situation 61 00:03:21,639 --> 00:03:23,440 Speaker 1: if it is the one that you found yourself in, 62 00:03:23,840 --> 00:03:27,600 Speaker 1: from when you're diagnosed, to bringing it up with a 63 00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:32,320 Speaker 1: person you're seeing, to dealing with the shame or emotional 64 00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:35,600 Speaker 1: toll that it may be taking on you. I just 65 00:03:35,640 --> 00:03:38,600 Speaker 1: want to say it's going to be okay. You're going 66 00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:40,920 Speaker 1: to be okay. Sdis have been a part of human 67 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:45,360 Speaker 1: history since human history began, and the medical advances we 68 00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:49,120 Speaker 1: have had recently as a society means that you're going 69 00:03:49,160 --> 00:03:52,400 Speaker 1: to be taken good care of. And you know, we 70 00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:54,840 Speaker 1: probably don't even realize how many people you talk to, 71 00:03:55,440 --> 00:03:59,000 Speaker 1: walk by, admire, or are friends with have this experience 72 00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:03,120 Speaker 1: as well. You know how many people as well still 73 00:04:03,120 --> 00:04:06,440 Speaker 1: get their love story and still have a relationship and 74 00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:09,720 Speaker 1: have sex and get to know themselves and trust themselves 75 00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:13,320 Speaker 1: and get their health back again. So that's exactly what 76 00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:16,680 Speaker 1: I want to focus on today. Quick note, this episode 77 00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:22,120 Speaker 1: is more educational, it's not medical advice. So for personal 78 00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:25,960 Speaker 1: guidance or if you feel like you might be experiencing 79 00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:27,920 Speaker 1: any of these things we talk about on the show today, 80 00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:31,360 Speaker 1: please go talk to a sexual health clinic or healthcare 81 00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:35,919 Speaker 1: professional who can give you a bit more informed medical information. 82 00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:44,680 Speaker 1: But without further ado, let's get into it. So before 83 00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:48,000 Speaker 1: we dive further in, just a little clarity on the 84 00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:52,240 Speaker 1: difference between SDIS and SDDS because I used to use 85 00:04:52,279 --> 00:04:55,080 Speaker 1: these interchangeably, like I think a lot of people do, 86 00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:57,960 Speaker 1: even medical professionals, and then one of my friends called 87 00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:00,200 Speaker 1: me out on it, and I really appreciated her doing so. 88 00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:05,400 Speaker 1: Because SDI is sexually transmitted infection. This is the broader 89 00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:10,480 Speaker 1: term to describe infection caused by viruses, bacteria, or parasites 90 00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:14,240 Speaker 1: that are passed through sexual contact. Someone might have an 91 00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:18,600 Speaker 1: SDI without having any symptoms at all, meaning it can 92 00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:21,440 Speaker 1: be passed on without people knowing that they even have it. 93 00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:24,440 Speaker 1: You usually catch them at this stage if you go 94 00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:29,960 Speaker 1: for routine checks. STDs. Sexually transmitted diseases is when the 95 00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:35,320 Speaker 1: initial infection has advanced to a point of significantly noticeable 96 00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:39,400 Speaker 1: symptoms or disease. So basically, if an SDI is left untreated, 97 00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:43,440 Speaker 1: it can, but not always, developed into an STD. A 98 00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:46,920 Speaker 1: lot of professionals now actually advocate for the term SDI 99 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:51,400 Speaker 1: to be used more generally than the term disease because 100 00:05:51,480 --> 00:05:54,440 Speaker 1: I think just diseases just feels like a stigmatizing term. 101 00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:58,040 Speaker 1: But I think that very simple language lesson language shift 102 00:05:58,279 --> 00:05:59,600 Speaker 1: is one that we can all integrate. 103 00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:01,679 Speaker 2: Yeah, just for the better. 104 00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:05,040 Speaker 1: I think if you grew up with the sex education 105 00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:08,200 Speaker 1: that a lot of us had sdis, you would think 106 00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:10,760 Speaker 1: that they are the worst thing that could ever. 107 00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:11,039 Speaker 2: Happen to you. 108 00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:15,359 Speaker 1: Number one, that you would your life would be over 109 00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:18,600 Speaker 1: because of all those fear based stories we were told. 110 00:06:18,760 --> 00:06:24,159 Speaker 1: You might also have absorbed this idea that sdis are 111 00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:28,040 Speaker 1: really really rare. Something that happens to you know, they 112 00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:32,800 Speaker 1: happen to reckless people or people who are careless. But 113 00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:36,000 Speaker 1: oh my god, you would be so wrong. Globally, sdis 114 00:06:36,080 --> 00:06:40,080 Speaker 1: are way more common than you think. And this, I 115 00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:43,240 Speaker 1: think is the first step to feeling less isolated in 116 00:06:43,279 --> 00:06:46,320 Speaker 1: this experience, because if we don't talk about this openly, 117 00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:49,760 Speaker 1: you you truly think like you're the only one to 118 00:06:49,880 --> 00:06:52,760 Speaker 1: have ever had this experience. But get this, The World 119 00:06:53,160 --> 00:06:57,080 Speaker 1: Health Organization estimates I think that it's more than like 120 00:06:57,320 --> 00:07:03,800 Speaker 1: a million curable SDI acquired every single day, day daily, 121 00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:07,000 Speaker 1: And in twenty twenty it was estimated I think three 122 00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:10,560 Speaker 1: hundred and seventy four million new infections of the foremost 123 00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:14,760 Speaker 1: curable sdis so chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, and I can't remember 124 00:07:14,840 --> 00:07:20,080 Speaker 1: the third one were diagnosed during that year. Here's another 125 00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:23,640 Speaker 1: very important scientific fact that I want to bring up 126 00:07:23,680 --> 00:07:31,280 Speaker 1: as early as I possibly can in this episode chliminia, gonerrehea, syphilis, HIV, HBV, herpies. 127 00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:36,520 Speaker 1: Every single SDI has either a preventative intervention, a cure, 128 00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:41,120 Speaker 1: or a highly effective treatment that manages symptoms, every single one, 129 00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:45,400 Speaker 1: and with early detection, the chances of seeing no symptoms, 130 00:07:45,640 --> 00:07:49,000 Speaker 1: no changes or very minimal symptoms or getting to a 131 00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:53,680 Speaker 1: full recovery is so much higher. Here are some positive 132 00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:57,800 Speaker 1: things to know about recent treatment developments. If you're scared 133 00:07:57,840 --> 00:08:00,680 Speaker 1: in the wake of your own diagnosis, or you're scared 134 00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:06,040 Speaker 1: to find out or to go get tested for starters, chlamydia, gonneriea, syphilis. 135 00:08:06,040 --> 00:08:08,400 Speaker 1: Some of the most common sdis that you get in 136 00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:12,800 Speaker 1: your twenties are all curable with antibiotics. That is some 137 00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:16,600 Speaker 1: good news. Some more good news. In twenty twenty five, 138 00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:20,720 Speaker 1: researchers in Melbourne got one step closer to developing a 139 00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:24,320 Speaker 1: cure for HIV. I think that is the SDD we 140 00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:28,640 Speaker 1: are most fearful of right now. Though people on medication 141 00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:33,600 Speaker 1: for HIV have the same life expectancy as people without HIV, 142 00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:37,400 Speaker 1: some of them may never experience any symptoms. Let's keep 143 00:08:37,440 --> 00:08:40,760 Speaker 1: going with the good news. Twenty twenty five, again, Australia 144 00:08:40,760 --> 00:08:44,400 Speaker 1: announced it was on track to eliminate cervical cancer, which 145 00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:48,520 Speaker 1: has basically completely caused due to HBV. Last year as well, 146 00:08:48,559 --> 00:08:51,920 Speaker 1: a new treatment for herpes that dropped the viral load 147 00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:55,880 Speaker 1: by ninety four percent moved to phase two trials, the 148 00:08:55,920 --> 00:08:58,640 Speaker 1: first ever gonnorrhea vaccine is being rolled out in the 149 00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:00,079 Speaker 1: UK as we speak. 150 00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:00,320 Speaker 2: Like. 151 00:09:00,679 --> 00:09:03,839 Speaker 1: The reason I emphasize all this is because when you 152 00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:06,800 Speaker 1: get that call from your doctor or the sexual health clinic, 153 00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:09,320 Speaker 1: or get a text from a partner that's like, hey, 154 00:09:09,400 --> 00:09:11,880 Speaker 1: you have this or you're at risk, it can feel 155 00:09:11,920 --> 00:09:14,360 Speaker 1: like the flaw has dropped out from beneath you and 156 00:09:14,360 --> 00:09:17,240 Speaker 1: that this is the end. It can be physically painful 157 00:09:17,280 --> 00:09:19,920 Speaker 1: as well. It can be disruptive in many ways to 158 00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:24,880 Speaker 1: our lives. Sometimes all that emotion can overwhelm us and 159 00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:28,000 Speaker 1: can prompt avoidance. It's easier to look away from the 160 00:09:28,040 --> 00:09:30,960 Speaker 1: situation than to face it head on. And I don't 161 00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:33,959 Speaker 1: want that to mean that you don't pursue treatment immediately 162 00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:36,920 Speaker 1: or get the help you need because you assume there 163 00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:40,160 Speaker 1: isn't any You assume that your life is now over there. 164 00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:42,679 Speaker 1: You believe a lot of the narratives that I think 165 00:09:42,679 --> 00:09:44,360 Speaker 1: we were told when we were kids that were very 166 00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:48,480 Speaker 1: scary and very harmful. I know, I've I speak about 167 00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:50,240 Speaker 1: this all the time. I hate when people try and 168 00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:53,280 Speaker 1: put a positive spin on everything and try to make 169 00:09:53,679 --> 00:09:58,080 Speaker 1: you think you have to be almost like optimistic about 170 00:09:58,520 --> 00:10:01,000 Speaker 1: you know, about your circumstances what you're going through. But 171 00:10:01,480 --> 00:10:05,800 Speaker 1: with how much fear mongering and shame surrounds SDIS, I 172 00:10:05,800 --> 00:10:08,960 Speaker 1: feel like it's necessary to just balance that with some 173 00:10:09,120 --> 00:10:13,240 Speaker 1: truth you are going to be okay. The fact that 174 00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:17,240 Speaker 1: we're not emphasizing this more in society the way, you know, 175 00:10:17,280 --> 00:10:19,360 Speaker 1: we always talk so positively. You always see in the 176 00:10:19,440 --> 00:10:22,640 Speaker 1: news when cancer trials have been successful or dementia trials 177 00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:26,920 Speaker 1: have been successful. We never do the same for like SDIS. 178 00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:30,440 Speaker 1: And I think that also proves how prejudiced out collective 179 00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:34,720 Speaker 1: attitudes towards SDIS are that medical winds never get the attention, 180 00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:38,120 Speaker 1: but also how much people still think that fear and 181 00:10:38,160 --> 00:10:41,840 Speaker 1: shame is going to somehow make SDIS go away by 182 00:10:41,880 --> 00:10:45,400 Speaker 1: scaring people into not having sex. Because we just emphasize 183 00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:48,760 Speaker 1: the worst case scenario. People who still believe that, like 184 00:10:48,920 --> 00:10:52,040 Speaker 1: at this stage are so they're idiots, Like it doesn't 185 00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:55,720 Speaker 1: stop shame doesn't stop people. It's almost like this weird 186 00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:59,240 Speaker 1: reverse psychology thinking of like if we talk about how 187 00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:02,079 Speaker 1: common and readable this is, then people will be careless 188 00:11:02,559 --> 00:11:05,880 Speaker 1: because there's this assumption that only carelessness is what makes 189 00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:09,559 Speaker 1: someone get an STI that is not true. What that 190 00:11:09,640 --> 00:11:12,560 Speaker 1: means is that when we do, we're terrified and we 191 00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:15,440 Speaker 1: think our life is over. We don't get tested because 192 00:11:15,480 --> 00:11:17,800 Speaker 1: we're scared to know the outcome, and you don't get 193 00:11:17,800 --> 00:11:20,719 Speaker 1: the help you need because you think everybody's going to 194 00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:25,000 Speaker 1: judge you. And then the problem gets worse, symptoms get worse. 195 00:11:25,080 --> 00:11:28,680 Speaker 1: Perhaps the infection, the virus, the bacteria gets passed on. 196 00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:32,920 Speaker 1: Nobody is better off. Getting an STI is a shock physically, 197 00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:35,880 Speaker 1: and it is a health concern that needs treatment and 198 00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:39,520 Speaker 1: medical care. But emotionally, I think the toll is also 199 00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:41,560 Speaker 1: quite high because of the stigma. And that's really what 200 00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:46,040 Speaker 1: we're talking about here. Some psychological researchers even labeled getting 201 00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:49,120 Speaker 1: an STI as a traumatic event. It may trigger a 202 00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:53,800 Speaker 1: similar emotional reaction to the experience of grief, you know, denial, 203 00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:56,480 Speaker 1: anger at the person who gave it to you, anger 204 00:11:56,480 --> 00:12:01,520 Speaker 1: at the world, bargaining, but also social withdrawal and isolation. 205 00:12:02,160 --> 00:12:04,120 Speaker 1: You know, I had a friend of mine get an 206 00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:07,080 Speaker 1: SDI from a guy she'd been singing for like six months. 207 00:12:07,120 --> 00:12:10,640 Speaker 1: It was the first person she'd ever slept with. Whether 208 00:12:10,679 --> 00:12:12,760 Speaker 1: he cheated on her or had it before, we may 209 00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:15,600 Speaker 1: never know, but I remember she didn't tell us for 210 00:12:15,679 --> 00:12:20,480 Speaker 1: like almost a year because of fear and the fear 211 00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:24,200 Speaker 1: of judgment. And I think I remember her being like, 212 00:12:24,240 --> 00:12:25,880 Speaker 1: I just felt like it was said something about me 213 00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:29,080 Speaker 1: as a person, like it's a literal verdict on my character. 214 00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:34,400 Speaker 1: And psychology, sociology explains what that feeling is. It's called 215 00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:38,280 Speaker 1: the spoiled identity effect. It's when people start to see 216 00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:43,040 Speaker 1: themselves defined by condition that supposedly says something about their 217 00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:47,800 Speaker 1: character or who they are. At some stage, someone put 218 00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:51,160 Speaker 1: this insidious idea in our head that sdis are what 219 00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:56,480 Speaker 1: happened to careless people, im moral people, undisciplined people, impure people, 220 00:12:56,640 --> 00:13:00,480 Speaker 1: and so I must be all those things. That judgment 221 00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:04,040 Speaker 1: is a human judgment. It's a moral judgment that is 222 00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:07,320 Speaker 1: man made. And it really comes down to how we 223 00:13:07,400 --> 00:13:09,600 Speaker 1: treat sex and how most of us are raised in 224 00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:13,480 Speaker 1: a culture where sex is already very taboo, something you 225 00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:17,120 Speaker 1: meant to be very discreet about, not admit that you want, 226 00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:21,959 Speaker 1: and definitely not make so called mistakes around. So when 227 00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:26,040 Speaker 1: you throw into it an infection caught through sex, suddenly 228 00:13:26,720 --> 00:13:28,800 Speaker 1: it's like, what did you expect? Like this was a 229 00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:32,839 Speaker 1: choice you had, We can hold you accountable, and that's ludicrous. 230 00:13:33,559 --> 00:13:37,640 Speaker 1: There's a really striking piece of social psychology research that 231 00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:42,720 Speaker 1: shows how powerful that moral contamination narrative is in stopping 232 00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:46,560 Speaker 1: people from getting help and actually making sdis worse. Across 233 00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:52,720 Speaker 1: five separate experiments published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 234 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:59,440 Speaker 1: research has found that simply adding unprotected sex to a 235 00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:03,640 Speaker 1: list of possible ways of disease could be transmitted made 236 00:14:03,679 --> 00:14:08,200 Speaker 1: people judge an infected person more and made participants believe 237 00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:10,720 Speaker 1: that if they got the disease, others would see them 238 00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:14,400 Speaker 1: as less moral to so the infections of the diseases, 239 00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:17,240 Speaker 1: the conditions on this list stayed the same. Some of 240 00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:23,840 Speaker 1: them were like neurological decline, cancer, hair loss. But once 241 00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:27,480 Speaker 1: sex was associated in any way with these diseases, these 242 00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:30,400 Speaker 1: studies showed that people just saw them differently immediately, even 243 00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:33,840 Speaker 1: though nothing had changed except for that label. It's so 244 00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:36,080 Speaker 1: funny to me, because if we eat out at a 245 00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:39,400 Speaker 1: restaurant and the food gives us food poisoning, you would 246 00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:41,280 Speaker 1: not turn that on yourself and be like, oh my goodness, 247 00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:44,680 Speaker 1: I'm so immoral and disgusting because I chose to eat there, 248 00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:47,160 Speaker 1: and other people wouldn't think that. 249 00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:47,680 Speaker 2: Of you either. 250 00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:51,160 Speaker 1: You're just someone who fulfilled the human need to eat, 251 00:14:51,440 --> 00:14:54,480 Speaker 1: and you got unlucky with what you ate. So if 252 00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:57,440 Speaker 1: we engage in another human need and we have sex, 253 00:14:57,480 --> 00:15:00,320 Speaker 1: and we get unlucky and we catch an SDI, why 254 00:15:00,520 --> 00:15:03,960 Speaker 1: is that different? It's a leading question. We all know 255 00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:07,520 Speaker 1: why because of the way against society has tried to 256 00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:12,640 Speaker 1: control sex for generations upon generations, using shame as their 257 00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:13,360 Speaker 1: number one. 258 00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:14,560 Speaker 2: Tool to do so. 259 00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:17,200 Speaker 1: To understand the stigma further, let's get a little bit 260 00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:20,720 Speaker 1: historical for a second. Sdis I don't think would be 261 00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:24,440 Speaker 1: so stigmatized if sex wasn't so stigmatized because it wasn't 262 00:15:24,520 --> 00:15:27,640 Speaker 1: used to control men and women, but mainly women, and 263 00:15:27,680 --> 00:15:29,560 Speaker 1: it wasn't used to control women to get them to 264 00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:32,320 Speaker 1: behave in a way that suited. 265 00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:32,920 Speaker 2: The needs of others. 266 00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:37,120 Speaker 1: A huge part of why sdis are seen as and 267 00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:39,760 Speaker 1: I oh, I hate using this word, but as dirty 268 00:15:40,920 --> 00:15:45,640 Speaker 1: is because sex, particularly casual sex, is seen as impure, 269 00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:49,400 Speaker 1: and that contrast to a lot of the you know, 270 00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:53,440 Speaker 1: purity language that religion likes to use, both as a 271 00:15:53,680 --> 00:15:56,600 Speaker 1: spiritual category that you're peer of mind, pure of heart, 272 00:15:56,960 --> 00:16:01,160 Speaker 1: and also as a social mechanism of control women's bodies. 273 00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:03,600 Speaker 1: Is something that can be virtuous, can be clean, can 274 00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:08,160 Speaker 1: be controlled, or conversely can be sinful and tainted and dangerous. 275 00:16:09,080 --> 00:16:13,120 Speaker 1: There are so many ways that religion idolizes the pure woman, 276 00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:17,880 Speaker 1: idolizes virginity literally to the point of biological impossibility, like 277 00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:22,440 Speaker 1: virgin Mary being a virgin but being pregnant. And in contrast, 278 00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:27,400 Speaker 1: this also shamed sex and it shames impurity, uses it 279 00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:31,120 Speaker 1: as another way to judge the morality of someone. Historically, 280 00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:33,280 Speaker 1: we ask we have to ask this question, why would 281 00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:35,720 Speaker 1: women need to be shamed for having sex? Why would 282 00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:38,480 Speaker 1: they have to be shamed for having casual sex? Because 283 00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:40,680 Speaker 1: in many ways, I think they were treated like property. 284 00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:43,520 Speaker 1: They were meant to be solely bound to one man 285 00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:45,840 Speaker 1: so that he could know the children she bore were his, 286 00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:49,240 Speaker 1: so that his wealth, his inheritance would go to something, 287 00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:52,240 Speaker 1: his kin, that belonged to him, not. 288 00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:52,760 Speaker 2: Some other man. 289 00:16:53,480 --> 00:16:55,480 Speaker 1: And a woman that could give him that almost like 290 00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:58,360 Speaker 1: security because she was a virgin when she met him, 291 00:16:58,400 --> 00:17:01,840 Speaker 1: because she stayed control when she was with him, she 292 00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:05,399 Speaker 1: was an asset. If we want, and if they wanted, 293 00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:08,119 Speaker 1: more women to act like that, the easiest way to 294 00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:10,359 Speaker 1: make them do so is to find ways to humiliate 295 00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:15,640 Speaker 1: those who wouldn't, and to basically change behavior through social 296 00:17:15,720 --> 00:17:20,320 Speaker 1: learning and vicarious learning of us witnessing the experiences of 297 00:17:20,359 --> 00:17:24,560 Speaker 1: people who acted out of line anything to do with 298 00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:28,520 Speaker 1: sex that's not done in quote unquote traditional the traditional 299 00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:33,359 Speaker 1: way therefore becomes shameful. But especially STIs, and not just 300 00:17:33,359 --> 00:17:36,560 Speaker 1: for women, but for anyone who was like acting out 301 00:17:36,560 --> 00:17:39,679 Speaker 1: of line with how people should be having sex. Queer 302 00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:42,080 Speaker 1: sex is another area where we see that. You know, 303 00:17:42,119 --> 00:17:45,720 Speaker 1: we can't talk about the shame around STIs and not 304 00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:48,840 Speaker 1: talk about the AIDS epidemic and how HIV and AIDS 305 00:17:49,560 --> 00:17:51,840 Speaker 1: wasn't treated as the medical crisis that it was in 306 00:17:51,880 --> 00:17:54,200 Speaker 1: the early days, it was framed as a moral crisis. 307 00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:57,600 Speaker 1: There was all this language of like innocent victims versus 308 00:17:57,640 --> 00:18:02,840 Speaker 1: guilty victims, and entire especially gay men, were blamed, de humanized, 309 00:18:03,359 --> 00:18:06,639 Speaker 1: left to suffer as if illness was a deserved consequence 310 00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:10,199 Speaker 1: of deviant sex. Again, because of religion and how it 311 00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:14,800 Speaker 1: determined right and wrong and good and bad. In this way, 312 00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:17,800 Speaker 1: this is where we are now. Sdis act as kind 313 00:18:17,840 --> 00:18:22,720 Speaker 1: of a moral barometer that you've crossed a line or 314 00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:25,960 Speaker 1: you've made a bad choice, contrary to how people think 315 00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:28,840 Speaker 1: you should behave if you think about it, like, the 316 00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:32,080 Speaker 1: only other kind of biological impact to unprotected sex is 317 00:18:32,119 --> 00:18:36,360 Speaker 1: like unplanned pregnancy, which also has its own moral connotations, 318 00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:41,080 Speaker 1: but again predominantly affects women. Now I can hear like 319 00:18:41,119 --> 00:18:44,280 Speaker 1: people's brains ticking and being like, you know, you could 320 00:18:44,320 --> 00:18:46,320 Speaker 1: make the argument that back in the day as well, 321 00:18:46,359 --> 00:18:51,160 Speaker 1: shame was the only public safety mechanism people had against 322 00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:55,120 Speaker 1: sddiyes like sdis back then were deadly, They were very serious, 323 00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:58,680 Speaker 1: They would kill you. The only option they maybe had 324 00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:03,120 Speaker 1: was preventive and was to use emotional levers to promote 325 00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:06,879 Speaker 1: abstinence or monogamy to stop the spread. There is an 326 00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:09,439 Speaker 1: argument for that, but nowadays that's not the case anymore. 327 00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:12,440 Speaker 1: As we've spoken about, there's a lot more medical care. 328 00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:16,560 Speaker 1: The shame primarily lingers because of this moral shadow that's 329 00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:20,720 Speaker 1: cast by history and religion and perceptions of good and bad, 330 00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:25,000 Speaker 1: right and wrong, pure and dirty, amongst other things. And 331 00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:28,399 Speaker 1: the reason the reason I'm lingering on the history of 332 00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:32,920 Speaker 1: this is because psychologically it's important. This is what creates 333 00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:38,399 Speaker 1: attitudes and cultural memory that mean that you are carrying 334 00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:41,920 Speaker 1: shame and mean that there is this mental shortcut that 335 00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:48,119 Speaker 1: SDI equals irresponsible sex equals risky. Diagnosis equals humiliation equals 336 00:19:48,119 --> 00:19:51,160 Speaker 1: life over. If you have an SDI and you're managing 337 00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:55,920 Speaker 1: internalized or even outside stigma, I think getting treatment is 338 00:19:55,960 --> 00:19:59,360 Speaker 1: obviously step number one. Step number two is knowing you're 339 00:19:59,359 --> 00:20:01,840 Speaker 1: not alone. But step number three is being able to 340 00:20:01,880 --> 00:20:06,600 Speaker 1: interrogate why exactly people want you to feel bad, Why 341 00:20:06,680 --> 00:20:09,399 Speaker 1: they want you to self police and internalize your shame, 342 00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:13,280 Speaker 1: why they want you to not talk about it. Sex 343 00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:17,359 Speaker 1: isn't bad, Casual sex isn't bad. Getting an SDI doesn't 344 00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:20,440 Speaker 1: make you dirty or damaged goods. I hate that word 345 00:20:21,080 --> 00:20:25,040 Speaker 1: quite literally, like anyone could get one, anyone simply from 346 00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:28,440 Speaker 1: being born with it, from drug use, needle use, blood 347 00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:33,520 Speaker 1: transfusions to on consensual sex. And guess what, even if 348 00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:35,080 Speaker 1: you got it because yeah, you just didn't use a 349 00:20:35,119 --> 00:20:38,520 Speaker 1: condom or you didn't know the person that well, still 350 00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:41,440 Speaker 1: doesn't make you deserving or immoral or whatever others want 351 00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:44,920 Speaker 1: to convince you. There are no innocent and not non 352 00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:48,000 Speaker 1: innocent people in this because no one's done anything wrong. 353 00:20:48,560 --> 00:20:51,080 Speaker 1: Let's talk about the fourth thing that you may feel 354 00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:53,800 Speaker 1: as weighing pretty heavy on you right now, which is 355 00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:56,800 Speaker 1: your beliefs about the future. A big concern for people 356 00:20:56,840 --> 00:21:00,240 Speaker 1: who get an SDI in their twenties, especially one that 357 00:21:00,280 --> 00:21:04,440 Speaker 1: maybe doesn't go away immediately or ever, is about relationships 358 00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:07,119 Speaker 1: and how an SDI will impact how they'll meet people, 359 00:21:07,280 --> 00:21:08,600 Speaker 1: bond with people. 360 00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:09,879 Speaker 2: Whether they'll be accepted. 361 00:21:15,880 --> 00:21:19,000 Speaker 1: Stigma often gives us a much more negative view on 362 00:21:19,119 --> 00:21:23,159 Speaker 1: how conversations about SDIS with potential partners. 363 00:21:22,760 --> 00:21:23,480 Speaker 2: Are going to go. 364 00:21:24,119 --> 00:21:29,640 Speaker 1: We often anticipate I think harsher, judgment, disgust, and maybe 365 00:21:29,640 --> 00:21:35,399 Speaker 1: a rejection, even though medically, socially, relationally, a lot of 366 00:21:35,400 --> 00:21:39,680 Speaker 1: people build very healthy, loving lives with these diagnoses because 367 00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:41,960 Speaker 1: as we've seen, there are still steps you can take 368 00:21:42,040 --> 00:21:46,120 Speaker 1: to minimize or eradicate risk. The painful part is when 369 00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:49,040 Speaker 1: you have that one negative experience or that one moment 370 00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:52,800 Speaker 1: where you do come up against stigma. Also, the painful 371 00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:55,360 Speaker 1: part is thinking about that moment and the potential of it, 372 00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:58,520 Speaker 1: and that can really start to shape how you act, 373 00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:03,160 Speaker 1: and you might avoid dating, avoid intimacy, stay in relationships 374 00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:06,560 Speaker 1: that aren't right because you feel disqualified from wanting more, 375 00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:10,720 Speaker 1: or you kind of you wonder if anybody's gonna want you. 376 00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:13,760 Speaker 1: You know, I had a friend of mine she got 377 00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:16,280 Speaker 1: herpies a couple of years ago. Now, yeah, a couple 378 00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:19,040 Speaker 1: of years ago, and she was like, I remember her 379 00:22:19,119 --> 00:22:21,560 Speaker 1: having this moment of being like, is this the dating 380 00:22:21,560 --> 00:22:22,040 Speaker 1: pool for me? 381 00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:22,320 Speaker 2: Now? 382 00:22:22,440 --> 00:22:24,720 Speaker 1: Is it just gonna be smaller? Is it just gonna 383 00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:27,119 Speaker 1: be people with herpies? Is that the only people I 384 00:22:27,119 --> 00:22:27,520 Speaker 1: can date? 385 00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:28,440 Speaker 2: It? Those my options? 386 00:22:29,480 --> 00:22:32,080 Speaker 1: And you know there's not exactly a filter on hinge 387 00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:35,280 Speaker 1: that's like people with herpeus yes or no, or like 388 00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:38,560 Speaker 1: a filter to like figure it out, or a prompt 389 00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:43,000 Speaker 1: that that's hard, that's hart. And the easiest thing is 390 00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:48,080 Speaker 1: again to avoid dating altogether, because avoidance temporarily reduces anxiety, 391 00:22:48,280 --> 00:22:52,439 Speaker 1: so it can become the default coping strategy, even though 392 00:22:52,680 --> 00:22:55,959 Speaker 1: it goes against your hopes for the future. And I know, 393 00:22:56,560 --> 00:22:58,960 Speaker 1: I know it can be really difficult to believe that 394 00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:01,880 Speaker 1: you'll find someone who who will understand this and who 395 00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:04,960 Speaker 1: won't pass judgment. But there are so many accounts of 396 00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:08,280 Speaker 1: this happening I would highly recommend. And I know this 397 00:23:08,359 --> 00:23:11,400 Speaker 1: is going to be weird, but going to Reddit pages 398 00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:15,160 Speaker 1: and support pages and looking up like dating with herpes, 399 00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:18,600 Speaker 1: dating with HIV, dating with hepbe because the stories are 400 00:23:18,640 --> 00:23:22,160 Speaker 1: so honest and beautiful and just kind of matter of fact, 401 00:23:22,280 --> 00:23:24,000 Speaker 1: like their matter of fact, which is what I like. 402 00:23:24,600 --> 00:23:27,920 Speaker 1: Basically their like relationships are hard, dating is hard, this 403 00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:31,919 Speaker 1: is hot, but there are always success stories regardless of circumstances. 404 00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:34,800 Speaker 1: You don't even have to look that far. You will 405 00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:39,720 Speaker 1: find genuinely very romantic stories of people who are probably 406 00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:42,240 Speaker 1: in a similar situation to what you are in. Now, 407 00:23:43,280 --> 00:23:46,639 Speaker 1: let's talk about when you should tell someone you have 408 00:23:46,680 --> 00:23:50,119 Speaker 1: an SDI, because I feel like this is kind of controversial. 409 00:23:50,119 --> 00:23:50,880 Speaker 2: It's like upfoo debate. 410 00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:53,880 Speaker 1: People have different opinions about it. I got a lot 411 00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:57,480 Speaker 1: of info on this from the SDI Project and also 412 00:23:57,520 --> 00:24:02,200 Speaker 1: from this amazing article from the website them dot com, 413 00:24:02,240 --> 00:24:06,359 Speaker 1: but also from friends who have been in this situation 414 00:24:06,520 --> 00:24:09,840 Speaker 1: and how they've dealt with it in a couple of ways. Obviously, 415 00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:12,560 Speaker 1: the only constraint is that you want to tell somebody 416 00:24:12,600 --> 00:24:16,440 Speaker 1: before you have sex or before like transmission is possible. 417 00:24:17,440 --> 00:24:21,280 Speaker 1: It's then your call from there when you want to 418 00:24:21,280 --> 00:24:23,200 Speaker 1: do it. I have a friend who tells someone on 419 00:24:23,240 --> 00:24:25,560 Speaker 1: the first date. I have another friend who tells them 420 00:24:25,960 --> 00:24:28,159 Speaker 1: on the fourth or fifth date, like when things are 421 00:24:28,240 --> 00:24:31,400 Speaker 1: kind of going to like sexually speed up. The other 422 00:24:31,480 --> 00:24:35,040 Speaker 1: constraint is that it's probably wise to not tell them 423 00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:37,879 Speaker 1: in the minutes or moments before you're about to have sex, 424 00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:41,320 Speaker 1: mainly because, let's be honest, you're in a vulnerable position 425 00:24:41,359 --> 00:24:45,440 Speaker 1: if they get angry or frustrated. But also sometimes nobody 426 00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:47,359 Speaker 1: is thinking clearly and you want to both have a 427 00:24:47,400 --> 00:24:50,680 Speaker 1: clear risk assessment over text or over a callers often 428 00:24:50,720 --> 00:24:53,320 Speaker 1: really wise or a nice way to do it, or 429 00:24:53,320 --> 00:24:56,560 Speaker 1: in a nice, quiet public spot where you feel safe 430 00:24:56,560 --> 00:25:01,280 Speaker 1: and feel like people like emotions are going to be manageable. 431 00:25:01,960 --> 00:25:05,480 Speaker 1: I think on the whole, a good structure for this 432 00:25:05,600 --> 00:25:09,960 Speaker 1: would go something like number one, Like, signal to them 433 00:25:10,040 --> 00:25:13,320 Speaker 1: you want to talk about health and sexual health. Make 434 00:25:13,359 --> 00:25:16,000 Speaker 1: that clear, put it in the subject line, share the 435 00:25:16,080 --> 00:25:20,119 Speaker 1: diagnosis with their matter of factly, share what you do 436 00:25:20,280 --> 00:25:22,200 Speaker 1: to manage the risk and how much of a risk 437 00:25:22,240 --> 00:25:25,520 Speaker 1: there is, and kind of invite any questions and like 438 00:25:25,760 --> 00:25:28,600 Speaker 1: give them time. I think brushing up on your own 439 00:25:28,640 --> 00:25:32,879 Speaker 1: knowledge and research and education is also great. They'll probably 440 00:25:32,880 --> 00:25:35,080 Speaker 1: have a lot of questions and you will be a 441 00:25:35,119 --> 00:25:38,520 Speaker 1: great person to answer them. Give them stats. You know, 442 00:25:38,560 --> 00:25:41,800 Speaker 1: almost two thirds of the population either has the herpie 443 00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:45,480 Speaker 1: simplex virus one or two. Treatment has lowered my viral load. 444 00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:48,159 Speaker 1: I'm not having an outbreak. My doctor has given me 445 00:25:48,200 --> 00:25:51,119 Speaker 1: this specific advice or that specific advice. I know that 446 00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:54,360 Speaker 1: there are the preventative rates of vaccines. Whatever it is. 447 00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:57,320 Speaker 1: A lot of the time, your ability to share this 448 00:25:57,359 --> 00:25:59,879 Speaker 1: with the other person is going to be appreciated because 449 00:26:00,680 --> 00:26:04,280 Speaker 1: that's trust, that's honesty, that's maturity, that's a beautiful way 450 00:26:04,280 --> 00:26:07,120 Speaker 1: to handle a situation. And I think even at times, 451 00:26:07,119 --> 00:26:09,360 Speaker 1: it deepens the connection to have this thing that you've 452 00:26:09,359 --> 00:26:14,200 Speaker 1: shared with them. Also, this was advice from my friend actually, 453 00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:15,960 Speaker 1: she was like, you can tell a lot about someone 454 00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:19,479 Speaker 1: from their reaction. You can tell a lot about their character, 455 00:26:19,720 --> 00:26:23,679 Speaker 1: about how they'll handle surprising news, how open they are 456 00:26:23,720 --> 00:26:28,760 Speaker 1: to learning from their reaction. Listen, there is that chance 457 00:26:28,840 --> 00:26:31,040 Speaker 1: that you might share it with somebody and they might 458 00:26:31,080 --> 00:26:36,120 Speaker 1: reject you, rejection of any kindness upsetting. But when it's 459 00:26:36,119 --> 00:26:38,240 Speaker 1: something as sensitive as this, it's going to feel really 460 00:26:38,280 --> 00:26:42,840 Speaker 1: personal and I'm really sorry. I'm sorry, especially if you 461 00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:48,040 Speaker 1: saw it going somewhere or you like really clicked with them, 462 00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:52,199 Speaker 1: I know, especially it can be hard to believe the 463 00:26:52,200 --> 00:26:55,159 Speaker 1: age old like, well, they just weren't right for you, 464 00:26:55,760 --> 00:27:00,640 Speaker 1: because you know, it's not something about your person. It's 465 00:27:00,680 --> 00:27:04,600 Speaker 1: not something about the situation, it's just unfortunate biology, and 466 00:27:05,080 --> 00:27:07,240 Speaker 1: that can feel really brutal that if things were different, 467 00:27:07,520 --> 00:27:10,600 Speaker 1: it could be different. If you feel that real sting 468 00:27:10,640 --> 00:27:14,679 Speaker 1: of shame or embarrassment, you didn't do anything wrong. You 469 00:27:14,720 --> 00:27:18,760 Speaker 1: haven't done anything wrong. In fact, it's the complete opposite. 470 00:27:18,840 --> 00:27:21,760 Speaker 1: You disclosed so that the other person could make an 471 00:27:21,760 --> 00:27:26,320 Speaker 1: informed decision. You exhibited honesty and kindness, and a lot 472 00:27:26,359 --> 00:27:29,520 Speaker 1: of people don't do that. Maybe the reason you got 473 00:27:29,560 --> 00:27:33,200 Speaker 1: an sdis because somebody else didn't do that. Even if 474 00:27:33,200 --> 00:27:37,720 Speaker 1: the outcome hurts, you did the emotionally mature, ethically solid thing, 475 00:27:37,840 --> 00:27:40,320 Speaker 1: and you will always have that knowledge about your own character. 476 00:27:41,520 --> 00:27:44,200 Speaker 1: The thing is they are allowed to have a boundary 477 00:27:44,200 --> 00:27:48,119 Speaker 1: about risk. People's risk tolerance varies. Some people might be 478 00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:50,840 Speaker 1: more cautious. Some people might have health anxiety. They might 479 00:27:50,880 --> 00:27:54,639 Speaker 1: be immunicompromised, some people have past trauma. Some people just 480 00:27:54,680 --> 00:27:59,280 Speaker 1: aren't ready for a situation that requires extra care from them, 481 00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:05,480 Speaker 1: extra communication, extra extra thought. Their decision is simply a 482 00:28:05,480 --> 00:28:06,960 Speaker 1: preference in a boundary they have. 483 00:28:07,400 --> 00:28:08,280 Speaker 2: It's not a verdict. 484 00:28:08,520 --> 00:28:10,960 Speaker 1: It's not a verdict on you as a person, even 485 00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:13,040 Speaker 1: if it does hurt a little. I think a good 486 00:28:13,160 --> 00:28:16,439 Speaker 1: response is a simple, grounded one, something like, thanks for 487 00:28:16,520 --> 00:28:19,639 Speaker 1: being honest. I understand you have to do what feels 488 00:28:19,680 --> 00:28:20,080 Speaker 1: right for you. 489 00:28:20,960 --> 00:28:21,560 Speaker 2: That's enough. 490 00:28:21,920 --> 00:28:25,840 Speaker 1: A lot of people's immediate reactions as well, comes from 491 00:28:25,880 --> 00:28:29,879 Speaker 1: outdated narratives on sexual health rather than medical understanding. Even 492 00:28:30,119 --> 00:28:34,280 Speaker 1: very smart kind people can have massive gaps in sexual 493 00:28:34,280 --> 00:28:37,960 Speaker 1: health knowledge because sex is taught pretty poorly, still not 494 00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:38,520 Speaker 1: talked about. 495 00:28:38,720 --> 00:28:39,080 Speaker 2: Literally. 496 00:28:39,120 --> 00:28:41,960 Speaker 1: I got my sex heed from like my forty five 497 00:28:42,040 --> 00:28:45,120 Speaker 1: year old gym teacher, and he couldn't tell me how 498 00:28:45,200 --> 00:28:48,720 Speaker 1: lesbians had sex, Like he couldn't tell us anything. So 499 00:28:49,480 --> 00:28:50,920 Speaker 1: that is the knowledge that a lot of us are 500 00:28:50,960 --> 00:28:55,760 Speaker 1: coming into this with. People often react to the idea, 501 00:28:55,960 --> 00:28:58,719 Speaker 1: not the actual risk. You know, the humans we operate 502 00:28:59,120 --> 00:29:02,960 Speaker 1: on very easy, the mental shortcuts, and this is like 503 00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:07,160 Speaker 1: a prime example of one of them. That being said 504 00:29:07,760 --> 00:29:12,080 Speaker 1: as well, if they do react with extreme judgment, pointed insults, 505 00:29:12,160 --> 00:29:15,400 Speaker 1: character insults, they've gone past the point of just showing 506 00:29:15,440 --> 00:29:18,880 Speaker 1: respect in a boundary. They're using stigma to position themselves 507 00:29:18,880 --> 00:29:23,000 Speaker 1: as superior. That that's not a person who is safe 508 00:29:23,000 --> 00:29:28,160 Speaker 1: for vulnerability. If it's via text and they're getting very harsh, 509 00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:30,800 Speaker 1: you don't owe them a debate, you can simply stop 510 00:29:30,800 --> 00:29:33,760 Speaker 1: responding it. This might sound controversial. It's not your job 511 00:29:33,800 --> 00:29:37,200 Speaker 1: to educate everybody. Your mental health is worth more than 512 00:29:37,320 --> 00:29:40,520 Speaker 1: proving you're not gross or tainted or whatever they're saying. 513 00:29:40,800 --> 00:29:44,960 Speaker 1: I hate those words, but like it's you don't. 514 00:29:44,760 --> 00:29:46,520 Speaker 2: Have to be the one who changes their mind. 515 00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:49,840 Speaker 1: Send them some resources, send them the stats, and then 516 00:29:49,960 --> 00:29:54,880 Speaker 1: leave the situation. Okay, as we wrap up, let's quickly 517 00:29:54,960 --> 00:29:58,760 Speaker 1: do some Let's do five rapid fire tips I got 518 00:29:58,760 --> 00:30:03,440 Speaker 1: from friends, sex therapists, articles, sexual health clinics on how 519 00:30:03,480 --> 00:30:05,520 Speaker 1: to date and live with an SDI. 520 00:30:06,280 --> 00:30:06,840 Speaker 2: Number one. 521 00:30:07,040 --> 00:30:08,520 Speaker 1: This is when I heard from a lot of friends. 522 00:30:08,960 --> 00:30:12,320 Speaker 1: Have a pre written outscript of info. If you're actively 523 00:30:12,440 --> 00:30:15,600 Speaker 1: dating and you're trying to find your person, that barrier 524 00:30:15,640 --> 00:30:17,640 Speaker 1: of having to tell somebody like we just said can 525 00:30:17,680 --> 00:30:21,160 Speaker 1: be really overwhelming and honestly exhausting when you're you know, 526 00:30:21,200 --> 00:30:25,480 Speaker 1: maybe seeing a few people, maybe getting rejected, having success 527 00:30:25,520 --> 00:30:29,000 Speaker 1: in other ways. Save yourself the effort every time, and 528 00:30:29,080 --> 00:30:32,520 Speaker 1: save yourself the mental load or the emotional load of 529 00:30:32,640 --> 00:30:36,479 Speaker 1: this discussion by just having a pre typed message, I 530 00:30:36,520 --> 00:30:38,719 Speaker 1: really like you, so I want to be honest. I 531 00:30:38,800 --> 00:30:40,800 Speaker 1: have this If you want to say I got it 532 00:30:40,920 --> 00:30:43,320 Speaker 1: X amount of years ago, whatever. If you don't have 533 00:30:43,360 --> 00:30:45,680 Speaker 1: to it impacts me in this way, it impacts my 534 00:30:45,720 --> 00:30:47,360 Speaker 1: life in this way, or not at all. 535 00:30:47,680 --> 00:30:48,800 Speaker 2: The risk to you is this. 536 00:30:48,880 --> 00:30:51,000 Speaker 1: If you want to keep seeing each other, this is 537 00:30:51,280 --> 00:30:54,840 Speaker 1: maybe what is necessary. Number two on our rapid firelist. 538 00:30:55,000 --> 00:30:57,200 Speaker 1: Tell your friends. If you haven't already, I'm going to 539 00:30:57,280 --> 00:31:00,440 Speaker 1: be real. Your friends don't care except to the extent 540 00:31:00,480 --> 00:31:03,520 Speaker 1: that this is emotionally or physically hurting you. And if 541 00:31:03,520 --> 00:31:06,320 Speaker 1: they do care beyond that in a judgmental way, they 542 00:31:06,320 --> 00:31:10,520 Speaker 1: are not your friends. Friendships, like marriages, I think should 543 00:31:10,560 --> 00:31:13,240 Speaker 1: be through sickness and health, good times and bad times. 544 00:31:13,320 --> 00:31:16,600 Speaker 1: This is included. This is one of those times in general, 545 00:31:16,640 --> 00:31:18,440 Speaker 1: Like I just want to say, every time a friend 546 00:31:18,440 --> 00:31:21,360 Speaker 1: has told me, I have never thought anything other than 547 00:31:21,920 --> 00:31:24,240 Speaker 1: what do you need from me? I've never It's never 548 00:31:24,280 --> 00:31:29,560 Speaker 1: been a moral judgment float across my mind. It just 549 00:31:29,600 --> 00:31:31,920 Speaker 1: isn't a big deal for me and I and I 550 00:31:32,000 --> 00:31:34,360 Speaker 1: think the more educated we get, the more most people 551 00:31:34,400 --> 00:31:37,360 Speaker 1: realize it's not a big deal to the extent that 552 00:31:37,400 --> 00:31:39,920 Speaker 1: they care about you, and it's a big deal for you, 553 00:31:40,000 --> 00:31:43,760 Speaker 1: but they still love you. You will also connect with 554 00:31:43,880 --> 00:31:47,520 Speaker 1: so many other people that maybe mutual friends or even 555 00:31:47,600 --> 00:31:51,200 Speaker 1: your friends who have a similar experience, and you will 556 00:31:51,240 --> 00:31:53,560 Speaker 1: find so much kinship in just being like I'm not alone. 557 00:31:53,800 --> 00:31:58,480 Speaker 1: Tip number three keep up with the latest science. I'm 558 00:31:58,480 --> 00:32:01,560 Speaker 1: going to quote doctor Ali Carr here. The meaning of 559 00:32:01,640 --> 00:32:04,440 Speaker 1: safe sex changes every decade, so you have to keep up. 560 00:32:04,960 --> 00:32:08,320 Speaker 1: Every year they develop new strategies, new methods, new science, 561 00:32:08,360 --> 00:32:12,440 Speaker 1: new drugs. You can live a full life now, undoubtedly, 562 00:32:12,520 --> 00:32:15,400 Speaker 1: but I think there is so much more optimism coming 563 00:32:15,440 --> 00:32:18,240 Speaker 1: out in this space. I actually saw this article that 564 00:32:18,280 --> 00:32:22,560 Speaker 1: said sexual health research and medical research in sexual health 565 00:32:22,600 --> 00:32:26,920 Speaker 1: space is one of the most optimistic places for research 566 00:32:27,000 --> 00:32:30,280 Speaker 1: right now. That's great news. We're not trying to be 567 00:32:30,360 --> 00:32:34,280 Speaker 1: like toxically positive, We're just trying to be informed and 568 00:32:34,440 --> 00:32:37,000 Speaker 1: just yeah, see the future for what it is with 569 00:32:37,080 --> 00:32:42,240 Speaker 1: the most information. Tip number four obviously, continue to practice 570 00:32:42,320 --> 00:32:46,080 Speaker 1: safe sex always. Book tests every time you have a 571 00:32:46,120 --> 00:32:49,560 Speaker 1: new partner, or every three months, no matter what, even 572 00:32:49,560 --> 00:32:51,719 Speaker 1: if you haven't had a new sexual partner, even if 573 00:32:51,760 --> 00:32:55,600 Speaker 1: you have no symptoms. Many sdis never display symptoms until 574 00:32:55,640 --> 00:32:59,560 Speaker 1: it's progressed. Chamydia, for example, especially in women. HBV is 575 00:32:59,560 --> 00:33:02,480 Speaker 1: another one. Same with her bees. You might not know 576 00:33:02,640 --> 00:33:06,720 Speaker 1: until you have a flare up. Consider it like if 577 00:33:06,760 --> 00:33:09,160 Speaker 1: you're having regular sex. Consider it like getting your haircut, 578 00:33:09,600 --> 00:33:12,760 Speaker 1: all your nails done like, Integrate it into your routine 579 00:33:12,800 --> 00:33:16,680 Speaker 1: as part of your hygiene and your health care. And finally, 580 00:33:17,920 --> 00:33:21,120 Speaker 1: remember that the shame isn't yours to carry. People have 581 00:33:21,160 --> 00:33:24,360 Speaker 1: been getting sdis since human history began. It is as 582 00:33:24,360 --> 00:33:29,440 Speaker 1: normal as childbirth, as heartbreak, as any illness. Society has 583 00:33:29,760 --> 00:33:32,040 Speaker 1: mixed it up with morality in a way that is very, 584 00:33:32,120 --> 00:33:35,000 Speaker 1: very painful, But so many people have been in your 585 00:33:35,040 --> 00:33:39,560 Speaker 1: position and made it through the physical and emotional aspects 586 00:33:39,560 --> 00:33:43,960 Speaker 1: of it. A diagnosis doesn't mean again, this word doesn't 587 00:33:43,960 --> 00:33:47,600 Speaker 1: mean you're dirty. Makes you informed about your health and wellbeing, 588 00:33:48,480 --> 00:33:51,960 Speaker 1: which lets you do the most adult thing, the most 589 00:33:52,040 --> 00:33:55,720 Speaker 1: caring thing possible, which is to get treated, protect others, 590 00:33:55,760 --> 00:33:57,600 Speaker 1: protect your health, and communicate. 591 00:33:58,120 --> 00:33:59,320 Speaker 2: Communicator honestly. 592 00:33:59,640 --> 00:34:02,960 Speaker 1: So I have a lot of love for the situation 593 00:34:03,040 --> 00:34:06,320 Speaker 1: you're in right now. I hope the stories of people 594 00:34:06,320 --> 00:34:09,759 Speaker 1: that I know who've been through this is comforting. If 595 00:34:09,800 --> 00:34:12,400 Speaker 1: you don't have people in your life you are open 596 00:34:12,520 --> 00:34:15,080 Speaker 1: to talking about it, I hope that you can take 597 00:34:15,120 --> 00:34:17,760 Speaker 1: those stories and feel like those are your friends and 598 00:34:17,800 --> 00:34:20,359 Speaker 1: you can be having those same chats with them and 599 00:34:21,080 --> 00:34:23,200 Speaker 1: feel completely safe with that and know that you are 600 00:34:23,239 --> 00:34:28,080 Speaker 1: completely supported and never judged, and then it's all going 601 00:34:28,160 --> 00:34:28,680 Speaker 1: to be okay. 602 00:34:29,640 --> 00:34:30,200 Speaker 2: I promise. 603 00:34:31,120 --> 00:34:34,600 Speaker 1: Thank you to Libby Colbert for her research contributions to 604 00:34:34,640 --> 00:34:37,239 Speaker 1: this episode. As always, she is amazing and she was 605 00:34:37,280 --> 00:34:41,600 Speaker 1: a great help with this episode. Until next time, be safe, 606 00:34:41,719 --> 00:34:45,480 Speaker 1: be kind, specially be gentle with yourself. If this episode 607 00:34:45,480 --> 00:34:48,239 Speaker 1: resonated with you at all, you have all my love 608 00:34:49,120 --> 00:34:51,439 Speaker 1: and we will talk very very soon.