WEBVTT - The Karol Markowicz Show: Embracing Classical Living and Traditional Values with Abby Roth 0:00:03.080 --> 0:00:06.800 Hi, and welcome back to the Carol Markowitz Show on iHeartRadio. 0:00:07.000 --> 0:00:10.520 There's a book that I love called Stumbling on Happiness. 0:00:10.800 --> 0:00:13.520 It's one of the few books that really change the 0:00:13.520 --> 0:00:17.160 way I see the world, see myself, see experiences and 0:00:17.200 --> 0:00:20.840 memories and dreams for the future. In the book, psychologist 0:00:20.960 --> 0:00:24.160 Daniel Gilbert argues that we assume that what makes us 0:00:24.160 --> 0:00:26.960 happy today will make us happy in the future too. 0:00:27.240 --> 0:00:29.840 We don't imagine all the things that may happen to 0:00:29.960 --> 0:00:33.479 us that could change our perspective present. You knows very 0:00:33.520 --> 0:00:37.760 little definitively about what future you will desire. One thing 0:00:37.800 --> 0:00:40.040 about me is that I never wanted to get married 0:00:40.120 --> 0:00:44.080 or have children. My three kids love hearing that story. 0:00:44.960 --> 0:00:48.519 I never aught at babies or day dreamed about my wedding. 0:00:49.320 --> 0:00:52.800 I've written before that I pictured myself at eighty, alone 0:00:52.960 --> 0:00:57.240 and fabulous in sequins and false eyelashes, smoking cigarettes at 0:00:57.240 --> 0:01:00.000 a hotel bar. The thought of the kind of commitment 0:01:00.400 --> 0:01:02.600 that kids require kept me up at night. 0:01:03.240 --> 0:01:04.480 I wanted to be free. 0:01:04.760 --> 0:01:07.679 I wasn't into tattoos and I wasn't into babies. 0:01:07.959 --> 0:01:09.399 The permanence was not for me. 0:01:09.680 --> 0:01:12.440 And the thing is I was always with really good guys. 0:01:12.680 --> 0:01:15.760 I look back at my exes and I'm generally proud 0:01:15.800 --> 0:01:18.399 to have picked them, but they were still all wrong 0:01:18.480 --> 0:01:21.080 for me. A question I get a lot from single 0:01:21.080 --> 0:01:23.360 women who don't want to be is how to pick 0:01:23.440 --> 0:01:26.080 better people. But the truth is that even if you're 0:01:26.120 --> 0:01:29.319 not into jerks or bad boys or whatever, the person 0:01:29.360 --> 0:01:32.200 can still be wrong for you. Had I married any 0:01:32.280 --> 0:01:34.800 of those really great men, I would have been settling. 0:01:35.080 --> 0:01:37.360 There was a hit book a number of years ago 0:01:37.400 --> 0:01:40.680 called Marry Him. The Case for Settling for Mister Goodenough 0:01:40.800 --> 0:01:43.720 by Lori Gottlib. A woman wakes up at forty and 0:01:43.760 --> 0:01:46.479 realizes she should have just settled for someone along the way. 0:01:47.000 --> 0:01:48.280 I am very. 0:01:48.200 --> 0:01:52.000 Much opposed to this. This argument tries to course single 0:01:52.040 --> 0:01:54.720 women into pairing off with whomever will have them, so 0:01:54.800 --> 0:01:57.040 long as they achieve the goal of getting married and 0:01:57.080 --> 0:02:01.200 having babies. This advice is framed as as courageous, as 0:02:01.200 --> 0:02:04.000 if telling a woman to settle for an imperfect mate 0:02:04.160 --> 0:02:06.960 is hard hitting and bold, when in fact it is 0:02:07.000 --> 0:02:09.880 the advice equivalent of describing yourself as too much of 0:02:09.919 --> 0:02:13.040 a perfectionist when asked about your negatives on a job interview. 0:02:13.480 --> 0:02:14.280 It's a cop out. 0:02:14.480 --> 0:02:17.240 This line essentially tells single women who wish to be 0:02:17.320 --> 0:02:20.840 married but aren't that their problem in landing a mate 0:02:20.880 --> 0:02:23.440 is that they are too choosy. For most people, that 0:02:23.600 --> 0:02:27.040 is simply not it. I'll get into more about this 0:02:27.520 --> 0:02:29.600 about how settling is a cop out and what you 0:02:29.600 --> 0:02:33.160 should do instead in the next episode, but here I 0:02:33.200 --> 0:02:35.160 want to talk about the kid part. I said in 0:02:35.200 --> 0:02:38.200 the last episode that I love studies on relationships, but 0:02:38.480 --> 0:02:40.919 I actually think studies on whether children make you happy 0:02:41.000 --> 0:02:43.640 and whether you should have them are completely flawed because 0:02:43.639 --> 0:02:46.800 it's impossible to put a numerical value on creating and 0:02:46.919 --> 0:02:50.120 nurturing life. Children are complicated. You want to get away 0:02:50.120 --> 0:02:52.760 from them, yet miss them when you do. It's difficult 0:02:52.760 --> 0:02:55.120 when they depend on you, and it's difficult when they 0:02:55.120 --> 0:02:58.560 stop depending on you. So many parents have grown children 0:02:58.600 --> 0:03:01.799 will stay a wistful go by so fast while you're 0:03:01.800 --> 0:03:04.600 in the throes of diaper changes and sleepless nights that 0:03:04.720 --> 0:03:08.000 there develops an understanding that clearly there's more to it 0:03:08.120 --> 0:03:10.799 than your happiness level on any particular day. A few 0:03:10.880 --> 0:03:13.399 years ago, I wrote about a really interesting three year 0:03:13.440 --> 0:03:17.560 study out of UCLA which tracked thirty two families and 0:03:17.680 --> 0:03:21.480 videotape their every moment. What they found was just a 0:03:21.520 --> 0:03:24.520 horror show of typical family life. You know, picture your 0:03:24.600 --> 0:03:26.639 mornings trying to get your kids out the door, and 0:03:26.680 --> 0:03:29.239 how that would look to somebody you know who doesn't 0:03:29.240 --> 0:03:32.440 have kids. Oh, you know, terrible, right. The families bickered, 0:03:32.520 --> 0:03:35.360 they yelled at each other, and behaved much like ordinary 0:03:35.400 --> 0:03:38.360 families do. A twenty ten New York Times story about 0:03:38.400 --> 0:03:41.560 the project described the lives of the subjects as quote 0:03:41.600 --> 0:03:47.200 a fire shower of stress, multitasking, and mutual nitpicking end quote. 0:03:47.240 --> 0:03:50.000 Some of those people who conducted the study were horrified. 0:03:50.680 --> 0:03:54.440 One guy, Anthony P. Greach, a post doctoral fellow involved 0:03:54.440 --> 0:03:57.480 in the study, said it was quote the very purest 0:03:57.600 --> 0:04:02.400 form of birth control ever devised ever end quote. But 0:04:02.440 --> 0:04:05.160 then the inevitable Five years later kicker in the story, 0:04:05.320 --> 0:04:08.280 doctor Greich and his wife have just had their second child. 0:04:08.640 --> 0:04:09.000 Present. 0:04:09.080 --> 0:04:12.720 You cannot predict what will make future you happy. That's 0:04:12.760 --> 0:04:15.440 what stumbling on happiness is about. Other people with their 0:04:15.520 --> 0:04:18.000 kids will only show you the negatives of having children, 0:04:18.120 --> 0:04:21.040 as it's just impossible to see the positives from afar. 0:04:22.040 --> 0:04:24.359 But that's true for a lot of things. Going to 0:04:24.400 --> 0:04:27.159 school is hard, having a job is hard, and we're 0:04:27.200 --> 0:04:29.800 expected to do it. In fact, we're raised with that 0:04:29.920 --> 0:04:33.320 expectation being the one true path. And you can get 0:04:33.320 --> 0:04:36.000 off that path, sure, but it's going to come at 0:04:36.000 --> 0:04:38.560 our risk to your happiness. The same is true for 0:04:38.640 --> 0:04:41.400 having kids, and we should say so. That's why it's 0:04:41.440 --> 0:04:44.159 so important to draw the connection for your own child 0:04:44.200 --> 0:04:46.560 as to why they should get married and have children, 0:04:47.000 --> 0:04:49.840 and portray it as part of the success sequence for them. 0:04:50.160 --> 0:04:53.080 My youngest son asked me just today whether I think 0:04:53.120 --> 0:04:55.640 all three of my kids will be successful, and I 0:04:55.720 --> 0:04:58.600 took that opportunity to tell him that while success to 0:04:58.720 --> 0:05:02.080 him might be playing for them Dallas Cowboys' success to 0:05:02.160 --> 0:05:04.920 me is my kids getting married to people they love 0:05:05.040 --> 0:05:09.279 and having families. The book Stumbling on Happiness concludes spoiler 0:05:09.360 --> 0:05:11.960 alert with the idea that we can't predict what will 0:05:11.960 --> 0:05:14.200 make us happy, so we have to lean into the 0:05:14.240 --> 0:05:16.760 advice of people who have done the things that we're 0:05:16.839 --> 0:05:19.719 considering doing. We should also listen to people who love 0:05:19.800 --> 0:05:22.360 us and know what actual happiness looks like for us, 0:05:22.400 --> 0:05:25.680 even if we can't see it way into the future. Hey, 0:05:25.760 --> 0:05:28.880 I might still you know, wear false lashes and take 0:05:28.960 --> 0:05:31.440 up smoking when I'm eighty and sitting at the hotel bar. 0:05:31.760 --> 0:05:34.280 But the image I saw from my own happiness has 0:05:34.360 --> 0:05:38.320 changed significantly. Tell your children that their plan can change too. 0:05:38.640 --> 0:05:41.720 Coming up next an interview with Abby Roth. Join us 0:05:41.760 --> 0:05:47.960 after the break, Hi, and welcome back to the Carol 0:05:47.960 --> 0:05:52.039 Markowitz Show on iHeartRadio. Our guest today is Abby Roth. 0:05:52.440 --> 0:05:55.680 Abby is the creator of Classically Abby, a YouTube channel 0:05:55.720 --> 0:05:59.720 and lifestyle brand that teaches about classical living and traditional values. 0:06:00.680 --> 0:06:03.960 Abby is a classically trained opera singer with a master's 0:06:04.000 --> 0:06:07.400 degree and professional study certificate from the Manhattan School of Music. 0:06:08.000 --> 0:06:11.000 Abby transitioned to YouTube from opera when she realized the 0:06:11.000 --> 0:06:14.440 importance of sharing how to live a conservative life. She 0:06:14.520 --> 0:06:17.800 has a ton of followers on YouTube, Instagram, Twitter, and 0:06:17.839 --> 0:06:20.880 Abby is spreading her message to young women and men everywhere. 0:06:21.200 --> 0:06:22.920 Thanks so much for being on Abby. 0:06:23.000 --> 0:06:24.640 Thank you so much for having me. So happy to 0:06:24.640 --> 0:06:25.000 be here. 0:06:25.920 --> 0:06:30.159 So how do you describe what classical values means? 0:06:31.240 --> 0:06:34.440 Yeah, So, what I always say is that classic living 0:06:34.760 --> 0:06:37.000 is an outgrowth of traditional values. 0:06:37.360 --> 0:06:39.480 So if you believe that. 0:06:39.600 --> 0:06:43.599 There are certain things that are true and are based 0:06:43.600 --> 0:06:46.719 in reality, and you live your life out in that way, 0:06:46.880 --> 0:06:49.000 then you will necessarily. 0:06:48.400 --> 0:06:51.080 Be living classically. So men and women are different. 0:06:51.160 --> 0:06:55.359 For example, no way, if you believe that, which I 0:06:55.400 --> 0:06:57.719 mean funny enough, that's a traditional value these days. 0:06:57.720 --> 0:07:01.240 But let's say it is. Then as a woman. 0:07:00.920 --> 0:07:03.720 For example, you are going to be living a classical 0:07:03.800 --> 0:07:06.719 life because you're going to be accepting reality and you're 0:07:06.720 --> 0:07:09.920 going to be living your life within those boundaries. And 0:07:09.960 --> 0:07:14.000 if you, for example, think that that it's important for 0:07:14.080 --> 0:07:18.160 people to present themselves, well, that's a classical way of living, 0:07:18.280 --> 0:07:21.120 is presenting yourself well when you're out and about and 0:07:21.160 --> 0:07:24.400 not always dressing in the very common and modern way 0:07:24.440 --> 0:07:28.800 of dressing a leisure and never brushing your hair. So 0:07:29.080 --> 0:07:32.680 I mean guilty, but yes, all of us are guilty sometimes. 0:07:32.680 --> 0:07:34.440 Don't get me wrong. I've been there, I've been there. 0:07:34.480 --> 0:07:34.960 I'm a ball. 0:07:36.720 --> 0:07:39.520 But I think as a general rule, right, like, if 0:07:39.560 --> 0:07:42.760 you are embracing those traditional values, then you're going to 0:07:42.800 --> 0:07:44.240 be living them out as well. 0:07:45.400 --> 0:07:45.600 Right. 0:07:46.040 --> 0:07:49.080 So I saw Babylon b story recently that reminded me 0:07:49.120 --> 0:07:52.880 of you, and the headline was woman wishes there was 0:07:52.920 --> 0:07:55.040 some kind of job that would let her work from 0:07:55.040 --> 0:07:58.600 home and do stuff she enjoys like baking, sewing, hanging out, 0:07:58.600 --> 0:08:03.480 with her kids. That's amazing you've even posted, I think, 0:08:03.600 --> 0:08:07.320 and I'm sure once that you feel societal pressure to not, 0:08:07.520 --> 0:08:09.440 you know, be a stay at home mom. So how 0:08:09.440 --> 0:08:10.480 do you reconcile that? 0:08:11.200 --> 0:08:14.640 Yeah, I think one of my least favorite sayings or 0:08:14.920 --> 0:08:18.000 phrases in the English language is fulfill your potential. 0:08:18.560 --> 0:08:21.080 I always hate that phrase because what does that mean. 0:08:21.280 --> 0:08:24.480 I mean, fulfilling your potential very much, very often into 0:08:24.560 --> 0:08:28.720 day's day and age feels like trying to show kind 0:08:28.760 --> 0:08:32.000 of outwardly how smart you are and prove to other 0:08:32.080 --> 0:08:36.160 people what you can accomplish, as opposed to what is 0:08:36.200 --> 0:08:36.880 your potential. 0:08:36.920 --> 0:08:38.360 It's what you can actually be. 0:08:39.000 --> 0:08:42.400 So if your potential and fulfilling your potential is being 0:08:42.440 --> 0:08:46.920 at home and raising your children, then that's the best place. 0:08:46.679 --> 0:08:47.160 For you to be. 0:08:47.440 --> 0:08:49.560 And I think you can feel really good about that. 0:08:49.760 --> 0:08:53.120 So that's how I've learned to reconcile it. I mean, 0:08:53.520 --> 0:08:55.679 I think that that's always been my greatest fear. Am 0:08:55.720 --> 0:09:00.040 I fulfilling my potential? And in the last year or so, 0:09:00.640 --> 0:09:03.760 I've really explored that idea because I didn't want to 0:09:03.800 --> 0:09:07.760 ever feel like I was, you know, doing something wrong 0:09:07.920 --> 0:09:12.000 with my choices, and I've recognized and grown through that 0:09:12.080 --> 0:09:14.680 and realized that there's no place, at least for me 0:09:15.160 --> 0:09:18.520 and I believe for many women than being with my son, 0:09:18.960 --> 0:09:22.360 raising him and giving him a strong foundation. 0:09:23.760 --> 0:09:26.240 Where do you think that pressure comes from? Like I 0:09:26.280 --> 0:09:27.839 have this joke that you know, and I've said this 0:09:27.920 --> 0:09:30.040 on the show before, but you know, when people say 0:09:30.080 --> 0:09:32.480 society says, I'm always like, did your mom say that? 0:09:33.000 --> 0:09:33.080 Like? 0:09:33.520 --> 0:09:34.240 Was it your mom? 0:09:34.960 --> 0:09:36.000 But was it? 0:09:36.040 --> 0:09:36.319 I mean? 0:09:36.640 --> 0:09:37.800 Where do you feel like that? 0:09:38.040 --> 0:09:38.280 You know? 0:09:38.520 --> 0:09:39.559 The potential thing? 0:09:40.200 --> 0:09:40.360 Is it? 0:09:40.440 --> 0:09:42.000 College? Is it our parents? 0:09:42.040 --> 0:09:42.120 Like? 0:09:42.360 --> 0:09:45.000 I know exactly what you mean, but you know I 0:09:45.040 --> 0:09:47.080 feel it even not being a stay at home how 0:09:47.160 --> 0:09:48.840 I feel like, am I living up to my potential? 0:09:50.160 --> 0:09:52.280 So yeah, I get it? But where does it come from? 0:09:53.000 --> 0:09:54.199 I think? I mean. 0:09:55.720 --> 0:09:58.200 For me, I always think things stem from feminism, and 0:09:58.240 --> 0:10:01.640 feminism is an outgrowth of Marxism. So if you kind 0:10:01.640 --> 0:10:08.400 of look at the later elements of feminism, right, initial feminism, equality, equity, feminism, voting, that's. 0:10:08.240 --> 0:10:10.160 All good, Right, we can all recognize. 0:10:10.320 --> 0:10:13.280 Christina Hofstluers kind of breaks this down for us in 0:10:13.320 --> 0:10:16.640 whostole feminism. But then as we get into like, you know, 0:10:17.000 --> 0:10:21.560 sixties style feminism, then we're seeing people talk about how 0:10:21.720 --> 0:10:25.960 the house, being at home is a concentration camp. Right, 0:10:26.000 --> 0:10:28.480 That's what Betty free Dan said in her book and 0:10:28.960 --> 0:10:31.679 in the Feminine Mystique. So we know that there's kind 0:10:31.720 --> 0:10:34.720 of this idea that women at home was a waste 0:10:34.720 --> 0:10:37.320 of potential. Right, Men got to go out and work, 0:10:37.440 --> 0:10:38.800 got to go out and work. And I always put 0:10:38.800 --> 0:10:42.400 that in quotation marks because for many men wanted to 0:10:42.440 --> 0:10:46.319 do that, right exactly, many men would not choose that lifestyle. 0:10:46.720 --> 0:10:50.960 But now we see that going back to that era, 0:10:51.559 --> 0:10:55.040 there was a real push for women to be out 0:10:55.200 --> 0:10:57.600 and that being a mother was holding you back. And 0:10:57.720 --> 0:11:00.600 I feel like even in the New Barbie movie that 0:11:00.679 --> 0:11:04.840 line that made me so upset that everyone was like, that's. 0:11:04.600 --> 0:11:06.719 So emotional, and I was thinking to myself, are you 0:11:06.800 --> 0:11:07.240 kidding me? 0:11:07.280 --> 0:11:11.400 Which was mothers like, mothers hold themselves back so their 0:11:11.480 --> 0:11:12.800 daughters can go forward. 0:11:13.320 --> 0:11:16.040 And I was like, what are you talking about? In 0:11:16.080 --> 0:11:16.720 what world? 0:11:17.160 --> 0:11:20.280 So I think that that's really, at least for our generation, 0:11:20.320 --> 0:11:22.760 where that came from, where that stems from. And if 0:11:22.800 --> 0:11:25.360 your mom was raised in that era, I think that 0:11:25.559 --> 0:11:28.240 she probably had a similar a similar thought. Now, my 0:11:28.280 --> 0:11:30.040 mom and I are super super close and we can 0:11:30.040 --> 0:11:32.200 talk about all these ideas really openly. But she was 0:11:32.480 --> 0:11:34.800 the primary breadwinner and my dad was a stay at 0:11:34.800 --> 0:11:37.320 home dad, so you know, I was raised a little 0:11:37.320 --> 0:11:39.959 bit about a philosophy of like women should go out 0:11:40.000 --> 0:11:43.719 and work. And this has been a big shift for 0:11:43.800 --> 0:11:47.360 our relationship that I'm like a big proponent of being 0:11:47.400 --> 0:11:49.760 at home. And thank god, because she is who she is, 0:11:49.760 --> 0:11:52.320 she's always prioritized family, so she can really wrap her 0:11:52.360 --> 0:11:56.319 head around it, even though it wasn't the exact style 0:11:56.679 --> 0:11:57.640 that I'm doing. 0:11:58.160 --> 0:12:01.320 Right, that's yeah, that's really interesting. I didn't see the 0:12:01.320 --> 0:12:04.360 Barbie movie, but my like, you know, one moment, a 0:12:04.400 --> 0:12:07.160 proud moment of parenting is that my thirteen year old daughter, 0:12:07.200 --> 0:12:08.840 who you know, dressed up in pink, went to see 0:12:08.840 --> 0:12:11.080 it with her friends, walked out of there like. 0:12:11.160 --> 0:12:12.120 What did I just watch? 0:12:12.960 --> 0:12:13.720 You should be proud? 0:12:13.800 --> 0:12:17.319 And she said that like she felt very like hit 0:12:17.400 --> 0:12:19.160 over the head with a lot of the concepts, Like 0:12:19.400 --> 0:12:21.800 they kept using the word patriarchy over and over again, 0:12:21.840 --> 0:12:23.680 and she was like, I get it, the patriarchy all. 0:12:23.640 --> 0:12:26.319 Right, like exactly exactly. 0:12:26.679 --> 0:12:30.199 So what will you teach your kids about their future options? 0:12:30.200 --> 0:12:32.840 Because it's interesting because you know, when I think about this. 0:12:33.000 --> 0:12:35.680 I look, I definitely say to my daughter, like, you 0:12:35.679 --> 0:12:36.520 could do whatever you want. 0:12:36.600 --> 0:12:39.520 She's brilliant, and you know, she's really into the sciences 0:12:39.600 --> 0:12:41.320 and she's into robotics, and I'm like, you want to 0:12:41.320 --> 0:12:43.200 go into that world, like, you can totally do that, 0:12:43.280 --> 0:12:44.640 but listen, if you want to be a stay at 0:12:44.679 --> 0:12:46.960 home mom, I'll support that one hundred percent. But I 0:12:47.000 --> 0:12:48.600 don't ever say that to my sons. 0:12:48.720 --> 0:12:50.120 I have two sons, and you know. 0:12:50.080 --> 0:12:53.760 I don't mention that they have all these options. So 0:12:54.080 --> 0:12:57.080 do you feel like you kind of say the same 0:12:57.200 --> 0:13:00.280 or you will say the same to all your kids me. 0:13:00.400 --> 0:13:02.840 And I'll you know, I'm sure I'm gonna mention this 0:13:02.880 --> 0:13:06.520 throughout and later as well. For me, family is always 0:13:06.520 --> 0:13:08.760 the priority. So that's the thing I want to instill 0:13:08.800 --> 0:13:10.160 in my children is. 0:13:10.200 --> 0:13:12.880 If your dreams your dreams, and. 0:13:12.760 --> 0:13:14.560 I'm putting a lot of things in quotes, I realizing, 0:13:14.559 --> 0:13:18.840 but if your dreams come at the cost of your family, 0:13:19.520 --> 0:13:23.000 and you decide that your mission outside of your family 0:13:23.080 --> 0:13:26.480 is more important than your mission of family, You're doing 0:13:26.480 --> 0:13:28.440 things wrong. At least that's what I'm going to teach 0:13:28.720 --> 0:13:30.240 both my daughters and my sons. 0:13:30.520 --> 0:13:31.560 So for my sons. 0:13:31.800 --> 0:13:33.800 You know, it's going to look a little different because 0:13:34.200 --> 0:13:38.120 generally men are the providers. And you know, it used 0:13:38.160 --> 0:13:40.040 to look different, It used to look different what that 0:13:40.120 --> 0:13:42.200 dynamic looked like. But in today's day and age, men 0:13:42.240 --> 0:13:44.520 are the providers most of the time, and men also 0:13:44.800 --> 0:13:47.360 thrive when they are in that position. A man who 0:13:47.440 --> 0:13:50.280 is making less than his wife. 0:13:50.040 --> 0:13:53.080 Often there is stress and struggle in that relationship. So 0:13:53.520 --> 0:13:54.200 you know, I mean, but. 0:13:54.280 --> 0:13:56.960 My husband always is like, I would have no problem 0:13:57.000 --> 0:14:00.600 with that. You go ahead and make more money than me. 0:14:01.679 --> 0:14:03.520 I will somehow make it as a man. 0:14:04.760 --> 0:14:06.559 Yeah, I do think that there are some more men 0:14:06.559 --> 0:14:09.280 who are getting open to it. But as a general thing, 0:14:09.400 --> 0:14:12.400 I think that men have a pride thing about it. 0:14:13.400 --> 0:14:15.800 So for my sons, I want to raise them with 0:14:15.800 --> 0:14:18.559 the idea of your job is to provide in a 0:14:18.600 --> 0:14:21.720 way that you enjoy and inspires you, but that doesn't 0:14:21.720 --> 0:14:24.240 come at the cost of your family. And for my daughters, 0:14:24.400 --> 0:14:26.720 it's I want you to choose a job that you 0:14:26.800 --> 0:14:28.680 can you can. 0:14:29.160 --> 0:14:29.920 I don't ever want you. 0:14:29.960 --> 0:14:32.720 To struggle with the self cost fallacy. So what that 0:14:32.760 --> 0:14:35.160 means is I don't ever want them to choose a 0:14:35.240 --> 0:14:38.400 job where they put their time, effort, and money into it, 0:14:38.480 --> 0:14:41.080 and then when they do have children, they get to 0:14:41.120 --> 0:14:43.200 a point where they're like, oh, I want to I 0:14:43.240 --> 0:14:44.720 want to stay home with my kids, but I just 0:14:44.760 --> 0:14:46.680 sunk this time, effort and. 0:14:46.640 --> 0:14:50.360 Money and they can't. They can't square those two things. 0:14:50.400 --> 0:14:53.440 And so a lot of women I know have either 0:14:53.920 --> 0:14:55.360 gone back to work even when they. 0:14:55.320 --> 0:14:57.960 Didn't have to and didn't want to, but felt like they. 0:14:58.280 --> 0:15:01.080 Should, right right, I know I had this degree for 0:15:01.480 --> 0:15:04.280 you know exactly. And the thing is, you can't know 0:15:04.320 --> 0:15:06.800 how you're going to feel about having kids until you 0:15:06.840 --> 0:15:09.640 have them. And I do think it's a wonderful thing 0:15:09.800 --> 0:15:13.640 to devote your time and energy to something before you 0:15:13.640 --> 0:15:16.480 have children, Right Like I built the brand of Classically 0:15:16.520 --> 0:15:18.800 Abby before I had my son so that I could 0:15:18.840 --> 0:15:21.000 have the flexibility after I had my son to make 0:15:21.080 --> 0:15:24.400 one video a week, not four, right, And you know, 0:15:24.480 --> 0:15:27.480 it's nice to have that time before you do have children, 0:15:27.520 --> 0:15:30.480 so you can build these things for yourself. But I 0:15:30.480 --> 0:15:32.280 think for me, I really want to instill in my 0:15:32.360 --> 0:15:35.480 daughter's choose a career that has flexibility, and whether that 0:15:35.600 --> 0:15:38.320 means a career that you can step away for twenty 0:15:38.360 --> 0:15:40.120 years and be a full time stay at home and 0:15:40.200 --> 0:15:43.440 come back into the workforce and be better than ever. 0:15:43.800 --> 0:15:44.440 Like nursing. 0:15:44.960 --> 0:15:49.000 That sounds great, but don't choose something that's going to 0:15:49.040 --> 0:15:50.920 box you in that you're going to be in debt, 0:15:51.000 --> 0:15:52.800 that you're going to feel really bad about yourself if 0:15:52.800 --> 0:15:57.480 you step back then and then not be able to 0:15:57.520 --> 0:15:58.520 make different choices. 0:15:59.080 --> 0:16:01.240 We're going to take a quick break and be right back. 0:16:01.280 --> 0:16:08.000 On the Carol Marcowitch Show, there was that pupil I 0:16:08.000 --> 0:16:11.480 think it was April where like some crazy number of 0:16:11.480 --> 0:16:13.040 Americans I don't have the number in front of me 0:16:13.120 --> 0:16:15.200 right now, but it was like I wouldn't say forty percent, 0:16:15.600 --> 0:16:18.040 like don't think it's that important for their kids to 0:16:18.080 --> 0:16:20.840 have kids, or they don't they don't stress the importance 0:16:20.880 --> 0:16:23.680 of like you should have children to through their children. 0:16:24.080 --> 0:16:26.880 I just think that's like societal suicide. And I don't 0:16:26.920 --> 0:16:27.480 understand it. 0:16:27.520 --> 0:16:31.080 So I you know the perspective of family first, whether 0:16:31.160 --> 0:16:33.160 or not you're a man or a woman, and then 0:16:33.560 --> 0:16:33.920 you know. 0:16:34.000 --> 0:16:36.520 The rest later. I think it's just so obvious. 0:16:37.160 --> 0:16:40.320 Also just the fact that married people make more money 0:16:40.360 --> 0:16:42.560 because it makes so much sense, like when you're comfortable 0:16:42.600 --> 0:16:44.040 in your home and you're in your life and you're 0:16:44.080 --> 0:16:45.480 not like swiping on Tinder at. 0:16:45.440 --> 0:16:48.440 Night, you make more money because you're just settled. 0:16:49.360 --> 0:16:52.440 So the idea of like pursue money not family is 0:16:52.480 --> 0:16:53.360 so backwards to me. 0:16:54.400 --> 0:16:56.360 But how do we you know, how do we change that? 0:16:56.400 --> 0:16:58.800 How do we get everybody on, you know, the Abbey 0:16:58.920 --> 0:17:01.440 plan of ps do family first? 0:17:02.040 --> 0:17:05.800 I mean, I hope that over time people realize that, 0:17:06.840 --> 0:17:09.880 you know, there's more happiness to be had in your 0:17:09.920 --> 0:17:14.679 family than there is in these these kind of silly 0:17:14.720 --> 0:17:18.840 pursuits of traveling and food and like all of these 0:17:18.840 --> 0:17:21.639 things that we spend way too much money on, like 0:17:21.680 --> 0:17:24.880 you were saying, the ways that we save and make 0:17:24.920 --> 0:17:27.960 more money when we're married, as opposted before. Don't get 0:17:28.000 --> 0:17:30.200 me wrong, Traveling is fun, going to restaurants is fun. 0:17:30.359 --> 0:17:32.679 Having a cocktail every now and then is great, but 0:17:32.880 --> 0:17:36.520 like that doesn't last, and if you come home to 0:17:36.640 --> 0:17:40.040 no one, you're not going to feel great the next 0:17:40.119 --> 0:17:42.119 day or even that night. And I've I mean, I 0:17:42.119 --> 0:17:45.720 think anyone who who wasn't married at twenty knows that 0:17:45.760 --> 0:17:49.040 feeling right. You've been twenty four and I got married 0:17:49.040 --> 0:17:51.520 at twenty four. You've been twenty three twenty four and 0:17:51.760 --> 0:17:55.119 gone out and hang out with your friends and done 0:17:55.200 --> 0:17:57.280 fun things, and then at the end of the night 0:17:57.320 --> 0:17:59.720 you're like, but there's no one waiting for me at home, 0:18:00.720 --> 0:18:04.040 and that's a really sad It's a sad thing. And 0:18:04.119 --> 0:18:06.960 I think that we are encouraging people to. 0:18:06.960 --> 0:18:08.639 Do that, at least not us. 0:18:08.680 --> 0:18:13.480 But you know that societal narrative is that people should 0:18:13.520 --> 0:18:16.439 go out and just heathenistically like, go out and do 0:18:16.520 --> 0:18:16.960 these things. 0:18:18.200 --> 0:18:18.760 And my. 0:18:20.320 --> 0:18:23.280 Argument is no, Actually, you're going to feel better, you're 0:18:23.280 --> 0:18:25.240 going to feel more fulfilled, and you're going to feel 0:18:25.240 --> 0:18:30.080 happier if you actually pursue a family, have a husband 0:18:30.119 --> 0:18:33.600 who loves you, have children who depend on you. These 0:18:33.640 --> 0:18:36.800 are all really positive things and they build on one 0:18:36.840 --> 0:18:39.920 another and it makes your life feel worth it as 0:18:39.960 --> 0:18:43.520 opposed to just kind of slipping through your fingers. I 0:18:43.520 --> 0:18:45.840 don't think that anything makes your life. 0:18:45.760 --> 0:18:46.679 Feel more. 0:18:48.080 --> 0:18:53.000 Full than have a family, and otherwise you're constantly just 0:18:53.240 --> 0:18:54.800 seeing time pass slip by. 0:18:55.960 --> 0:18:59.600 Right and traveling with kids. I know people think it's terrible, 0:18:59.680 --> 0:19:01.800 am I It might are thirteen, ten and seven. Now 0:19:02.000 --> 0:19:02.720 it's magical. 0:19:02.840 --> 0:19:03.360 It's so good. 0:19:03.400 --> 0:19:05.520 They're finally like at the age where they just like 0:19:05.520 --> 0:19:07.879 like everything and enjoy like seeing stuff and they're like 0:19:07.960 --> 0:19:09.960 still talking about the summer trip we took and it's 0:19:10.000 --> 0:19:13.480