Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology.
Speaker 2: All Right, hi, everybody, Hello, I'm not gonna do my
Speaker 2: cheery little intro today. I assume that you already know
Speaker 2: what we're talking about, given that you clicked on this episode,
Speaker 2: and you probably also have guessed or assumed that this
Speaker 2: episode is going to be a little bit different, a
Speaker 2: little bit more vulnerable open. Dare I say chatty? Maybe
Speaker 2: not chatty, just honest. And you know, I felt really
Speaker 2: strange making this episode compared to my usual content. You know,
Speaker 2: you come here to learn about the psychology of your
Speaker 2: twenties and the psychology of flirting and breakups and career
Speaker 2: anxiety and transitions. We're not going to be really doing
Speaker 2: that today. We're not going to be really having that.
Speaker 2: We're not going to be having that usual structure and
Speaker 2: scientific approach. I want to just take a moment to
Speaker 2: really get you guys up to speed on what I've
Speaker 2: been going through, you know, for a long time this
Speaker 2: I've been doing this podcast for a very long time,
Speaker 2: and along that journey I've been, I would hope transparent
Speaker 2: around what is going on in my own personal life.
Speaker 2: Sometimes I've tried to, you know, create more of a
Speaker 2: distance or a space between my personal life and what
Speaker 2: I talk about on the show, but it's very hard
Speaker 2: for it not to kind of infiltrate and come to
Speaker 2: the surface because the topics and the ideas and the
Speaker 2: opinions that I express are or derived from personal experience.
Speaker 2: And because of that, it felt strange just moving on
Speaker 2: with regularly scheduled programming and not talking about something pretty
Speaker 2: serious and hard that I've been through recently, which is
Speaker 2: that I basically had a mental breakdown. There it is,
Speaker 2: said it out loud. I had a really really rough
Speaker 2: time this past month that has completely really shaken me
Speaker 2: to my core and has kind of made me reconsider
Speaker 2: my place in the world, made me reconsider mental health
Speaker 2: in a complete new new light, spiritual health in a
Speaker 2: new light, you know, this decade in a new light.
Speaker 2: And I really want to kind of share what that
Speaker 2: was like, what that experience was like going through it
Speaker 2: for those of you who might be going through something similar.
Speaker 2: And like I said, I really debated talking about this.
Speaker 2: It is so just inherently vulnerable. But you know, I've
Speaker 2: spoken about breakups, I've spoken about grief, I've spoken about
Speaker 2: you know, losing family members, I've spoken about my physical health.
Speaker 2: And why does you know the ball have to stop there?
Speaker 2: Why do we then tend to shy away when it
Speaker 2: comes to talking about our mental health with the same
Speaker 2: openness and authenticity and honesty that we would discuss all
Speaker 2: these other topics and all these other experiences of this decade.
Speaker 2: This is my reality at the moment. It's something that
Speaker 2: I'm going through, and as sad as it is, unfortunate
Speaker 2: as it is, I also know that there are many
Speaker 2: of you who are probably going through this as well,
Speaker 2: and you feel so completely entirely alone, and so whilst
Speaker 2: like this podcast is obviously about providing science and evidence
Speaker 2: in this self help space and giving you like factual
Speaker 2: wellness content, it's also about community and it's also about
Speaker 2: being able to see your experiences reflected back in thousands,
Speaker 2: if not millions of others. You know, whatever you're struggling with,
Speaker 2: I think there is a huge comfort that comes from
Speaker 2: knowing that you are not alone in that experience, that
Speaker 2: there is someone somewhere elsewhere who is navigating the same
Speaker 2: challenges as you are. The big problem I find all
Speaker 2: the big hurdle I find with talking about, you know,
Speaker 2: mental health very explicitly and you know, not just saying yeah,
Speaker 2: I have mental health struggles, but being like, no, I've
Speaker 2: had a full you know, mental breakdown, prolonged depressive episode,
Speaker 2: massive anxiety, is that you do still recognize the stigma
Speaker 2: that is attached even in this space, even though I've
Speaker 2: made and you know, this is my career. I talk
Speaker 2: about psychology. Talking about psychology and talking about the very real,
Speaker 2: lived experience of mental health is quite different and is
Speaker 2: opening yourself up to a lot of misunderstanding. And that's
Speaker 2: something that I've kind of accepted in talking about this today,
Speaker 2: is that you know, people could listen to this and
Speaker 2: just be like, I like, what is she talking about?
Speaker 2: Or maybe people will listen to this and be like, well,
Speaker 2: I'm you know, I'm not going to listen to such
Speaker 2: an untrustworthy narrator from now on, you know, because she's
Speaker 2: not talking about mental health in like, you know, in
Speaker 2: like a guy a guarded way. She's talking about it
Speaker 2: very openly and with great realness, and that can be
Speaker 2: really confronting. For some people, So I would just ask
Speaker 2: for grace. This episode is not structured. It's going to
Speaker 2: be a bit of a ramble, and I've kind of
Speaker 2: accepted that some people might be shocked to hear this,
Speaker 2: some people might be confronted. So just checking on yourself
Speaker 2: as to where you are, and if you think this
Speaker 2: will be helpful, please listen on. If you just want,
Speaker 2: like to know what it's like I guess, or to
Speaker 2: see or to be able to provide help with for
Speaker 2: someone else who you know who might be going through
Speaker 2: the same experience. That is really my ultimate goal here
Speaker 2: is to provide a lived experience for you to reflect
Speaker 2: on in your own life when you confront scary topics
Speaker 2: such as and scary ideas such as the ones that
Speaker 2: I've been working through. If you have been listening for
Speaker 2: a while, you'll know that every now and again I
Speaker 2: give like a mental health update, because this is like
Speaker 2: a mental health podcast. And a few months ago I
Speaker 2: even gave like an update where I was like, I
Speaker 2: am doing so well, I'm thriving, I'm living my best life.
Speaker 2: I'm like going off my antidepressants, like everything is good,
Speaker 2: We're making forward progress. And then things changed as they
Speaker 2: very often do with our brains and our minds and
Speaker 2: our perception and our and our health health. You think
Speaker 2: you're doing real, very well, but one of the realities
Speaker 2: of living with a mental health condition is that kind
Speaker 2: of in the back of your mind you always know
Speaker 2: that there is there is a time that will come
Speaker 2: where it could get worse. And so even if you
Speaker 2: are feeling amazing and fabulous and enjoying life, it's a
Speaker 2: there's a hesitancy, there is a sense of like tiptoeing
Speaker 2: around that experience, like, oh, how long is this going
Speaker 2: to last? How long am I going to feel like this?
Speaker 2: Because you know that the other shoe might eventually drop.
Speaker 2: You know, you might get bad again, and you hope not,
Speaker 2: but that is the case, and that is what happened
Speaker 2: with me. I went from being super super happy and
Speaker 2: then there was just this slow descent and always in hindsight,
Speaker 2: can you see the path that you've taken? Right in
Speaker 2: the moment, you just want to survive and push forward.
Speaker 2: You're hoping that it's like hormonal or contextual, or it's
Speaker 2: just because you're really stressed, and then the stress fades,
Speaker 2: and then you know, the days go on and it's like, Oh,
Speaker 2: I just can't get these thoughts out of my head.
Speaker 2: My biggest fixation and the thing that really culminated me
Speaker 2: really kind of just not being able to cope for
Speaker 2: a while there had to do with thoughts and anxieties
Speaker 2: around death. I have very intense death anxiety. Feels weird
Speaker 2: to say that out loud. I'm sure some of you
Speaker 2: may have realized that or guessed it, but it's not
Speaker 2: something I talk about that much because, to be honest,
Speaker 2: talking about it, it like puts it like you squarely
Speaker 2: have to face it and it's right there, and it's
Speaker 2: like incredibly terrible, inevitable fear. It's I think the most
Speaker 2: profound fear to fear death because everything else in life,
Speaker 2: you know, you can kind of avoid, or you can
Speaker 2: change your behaviors to avoid, and death is one of
Speaker 2: those things that you just can't. And you have to
Speaker 2: try and find a way to create a meaning in
Speaker 2: a finite life and to have some form of comfort
Speaker 2: or vision or value or life philosophy that lets you
Speaker 2: push forward. And I just kind of lost that. I
Speaker 2: just no longer could access my purpose and my meaning
Speaker 2: and my life philosophy around why are we here, What
Speaker 2: are we doing here? Life is just this big, inconvenient,
Speaker 2: meaningless thing. And it almost felt like the universe was
Speaker 2: like collapsing in on me, like I'd be lying in bed,
Speaker 2: and it was just like the absolute terror of knowing
Speaker 2: that this thing that you're terrified of is going to
Speaker 2: happen to you, and then the equal terror of knowing
Speaker 2: that there's nothing you can do about it, and no
Speaker 2: matter what you think about it, like don't change what's
Speaker 2: going to happen. And yeah, so gosh, dark, very very dark.
Speaker 2: And I think it's something that we all have at
Speaker 2: the back of our minds, right, everyone knows this. There
Speaker 2: are just times in your life where you feel more
Speaker 2: It's kind of like, how do I explain it. It's
Speaker 2: like there's this weird, fuzzy film, like a fuzzy transparent
Speaker 2: curtain between you and thinking about death. And most of
Speaker 2: the time, you know, we've got our back turn to
Speaker 2: the curtain and we're enjoying everything that's in life, and
Speaker 2: then other times you turn around and you peek behind
Speaker 2: the curtain and it's just so just incomprehensible that it
Speaker 2: really starts to get you down. And then for me,
Speaker 2: things come up around time and meaning and love and
Speaker 2: connection and fear of seeing people I love pass away.
Speaker 2: And you can see how the ball gets rolling real
Speaker 2: real quick, really really quickly. I think the only time
Speaker 2: I haven't had these fears has been when I was
Speaker 2: someone who was quite spiritual and religious, you know, and
Speaker 2: suddenly not suddenly, and I just am not anymore. It's
Speaker 2: just part of the life journey and the transition that
Speaker 2: I've gone through where I just no longer saw myself
Speaker 2: in the home of religion. I see its value, I
Speaker 2: see the value of spirituality, but it's just the current
Speaker 2: structures that are presented to me, like I just don't
Speaker 2: really relate to them. I'm kind of a woman of science.
Speaker 2: This is sometimes I don't really feel like it makes sense.
Speaker 2: And I think that that detachment from a spiritual understanding
Speaker 2: of my life really has contributed to these cycles of
Speaker 2: really existential, negative, incomprehensible thoughts. The point where I really
Speaker 2: started to realize like, oh no, like this is not
Speaker 2: going the way it shouldn't. And I've gone through this before,
Speaker 2: and it's like you can really there's like a it's
Speaker 2: like a it's like a flight path, right, Like there's
Speaker 2: like a journey and you can like see the roadblocks
Speaker 2: and you like kind of know what's coming, and you
Speaker 2: know that like once you get to a certain stage,
Speaker 2: it's like, you know shit, like there's no turning back.
Speaker 2: And when I realized that was when I was in Bali.
Speaker 2: Before I went to Bali, I was so busy. I
Speaker 2: had so much going on that it really meant that
Speaker 2: I couldn't really think about anything bigger or more profound
Speaker 2: than the present and what was happening right now. And
Speaker 2: then I went on vacation. I went on holiday. Interestingly,
Speaker 2: I was really excited. Course not interestingly, obviously, I was
Speaker 2: very excited. I was very excited to just like spend
Speaker 2: time with my mom and my cousin and my auntie
Speaker 2: and relaxed by the pool and drink peanut coladas and
Speaker 2: go on hikes and see the sites and go to
Speaker 2: the markets. And actually what ended up happening was all
Speaker 2: the things that were keeping me anchored to the present,
Speaker 2: And by that, I mean my stress was lifted. And
Speaker 2: suddenly all the thoughts that I'd been trying very hard
Speaker 2: to push down and suppress came flooding in, and I
Speaker 2: did not have the tools to deal with it. I
Speaker 2: spent BALI was amazing, but I spent a lot of
Speaker 2: time in my own head, in my brain overworking and
Speaker 2: overthinking concepts, ideas, big ideas about the universe and the
Speaker 2: world and purpose in life and God and religion. Not
Speaker 2: a fun place to be. I think those thoughts have
Speaker 2: their time and place, but they should really be explored
Speaker 2: when you feel mentally prepared for them. My problem was
Speaker 2: that I hadn't provided myself with the space or the
Speaker 2: mental capacity to think about it, to think about it
Speaker 2: when I needed to think about it at a time
Speaker 2: when I was more able to deal with how confronting
Speaker 2: it could be. And so I always say this, you
Speaker 2: can avoid, and you can avoid, and you can avoid,
Speaker 2: but it will come up at the most inconvenient time.
Speaker 2: And that is what happened. Then I went to New York.
Speaker 2: I remember walking around the streets of New York and
Speaker 2: just being like, I really wish I could be having
Speaker 2: fun right now, but everything feels so impermanent, and everything
Speaker 2: just feels so tragic and terrifying, and it's kind of
Speaker 2: like you cannot see the world except for from this
Speaker 2: place of finality, in this place of I don't know
Speaker 2: that everything will eventually be gone, and that imbues all
Speaker 2: of your experiences. Everything that you perceive is imbued with
Speaker 2: this tinge of like sadness, even for sadness, for the
Speaker 2: fact that one day this will be gone, you know,
Speaker 2: even though right now now it isn't. It's very, very
Speaker 2: like mentally complicated. I think it really comes from like
Speaker 2: a detachment with the present. I made an episode a
Speaker 2: couple of weeks back, maybe like a month now, that
Speaker 2: was like the power of staying present. Really, that was
Speaker 2: me trying to remind myself of that power and trying
Speaker 2: to reinforce my own habits when it came to this.
Speaker 2: But by the time I got back to Australia, like
Speaker 2: things were not going well, things were not working out
Speaker 2: for me, and I entered this pretty dark place where
Speaker 2: I could not really make sense of reality. Not in
Speaker 2: the sense that I was like experiencing psychosis or anything,
Speaker 2: but it just was like everything was very clouded. Everything
Speaker 2: was overruled by constant, repetitive thinking in a thought spiral.
Speaker 2: It began to really make me want to withdraw. I
Speaker 2: think my biggest fear when I'm going through a bit
Speaker 2: of an existential mental breakdown. Whatever you want to call
Speaker 2: it is passing it on to someone else. I know
Speaker 2: this sounds very, very strange, but sometimes I believe, you know,
Speaker 2: that my thoughts could be contagious, and that you're going
Speaker 2: to say something to someone that they've never considered before
Speaker 2: and it's going to really scare them. And that is
Speaker 2: what really scares me, is that I could plunge someone
Speaker 2: else into this situation, in this dark, downward thought spiral.
Speaker 2: So I stayed silent about it for a while, very
Speaker 2: silent at my own detriment. Then I started telling my boyfriend,
Speaker 2: but it was kind of with a laugh and a
Speaker 2: giggle and you know, like, oh, my crazy brain. Anyhow,
Speaker 2: I don't want to talk about it. Let's move on.
Speaker 2: It always fascinates me that I know what to do right.
Speaker 2: I have the tools, the strategies. I know how to
Speaker 2: work through a situation like this, and one of the
Speaker 2: main pillars, and one of the best things you can
Speaker 2: do for yourself is to open up and is to
Speaker 2: share the burden. It's a lot easier said than done.
Speaker 2: You don't feel like you have the right almost you don't.
Speaker 2: You don't want to let people in because that would
Speaker 2: require you acknowledging that your situation is bad. That is
Speaker 2: how I'll say it, because that is how it was.
Speaker 2: And then it was like almost a flip switched. We
Speaker 2: went out one night, went out drinking with like my
Speaker 2: best friends. It's like, I should be the happiest I've
Speaker 2: ever been in the world, ever been at any time,
Speaker 2: Like I have the most beautiful friends, I'm in this
Speaker 2: beautiful city. And I woke up the next day in
Speaker 2: a panic, and my whole body was shaking, and I
Speaker 2: was stuck. I was stuck in my mind and I
Speaker 2: was stuck in this thought and it's almost like walking
Speaker 2: through a day and it's just like death, death, death, death,
Speaker 2: pretty freaking hard. And that's when I realized that I
Speaker 2: really needed some help. Luckily, my mom was in town,
Speaker 2: so she ended up canceling like all of her work
Speaker 2: engagements for the rest of the week and stay with me.
Speaker 2: And my boyfriend stayed with me, well, we basically lived together,
Speaker 2: but he would come back from work every single night
Speaker 2: and just hold me because I didn't want to leave
Speaker 2: my room. I didn't want to leave my house. Everything
Speaker 2: was just confusing and overwhelming and loud. Loud is probably
Speaker 2: the best way I can describe it, and lonely and isolating.
Speaker 2: You just feel like you are floating in space and
Speaker 2: no one else can understand your experience, and you're just
Speaker 2: absolutely terrified and you don't know how you're going to
Speaker 2: get back to like the mothership of reality and the
Speaker 2: mothership of rationality as well. So my mom came and
Speaker 2: stayed with me for a week and then passed the
Speaker 2: baton over to my dad, who came and stayed with
Speaker 2: me for another week. And that two week period involved
Speaker 2: me not being able to eat, not being able to sleep,
Speaker 2: and then when I did sleep, waking up in a
Speaker 2: sweat and shaking, just not wanting to leave the house,
Speaker 2: genuinely just being in a catatonic state, like I would
Speaker 2: just sit in bed and stare at the wall, trying
Speaker 2: really hard to do work, trying really hard to go
Speaker 2: to the gym and to go to my pottery classes
Speaker 2: and to see friends, and it was not possible. It
Speaker 2: was not happening for me at that time. The other
Speaker 2: thing was mental health access in Australia, and I'm going
Speaker 2: to assume this is everywhere is absolutely abysmal. It's literally abysmal.
Speaker 2: I called a crisis line, which I'll openly admit I
Speaker 2: think crisis lines are amazing. Lifeline if you're in Australia.
Speaker 2: I'm sure there are other crisis lines in the US
Speaker 2: and the UK and elsewhere. Lifelines are incredible. But this
Speaker 2: experience was not incredible because I called this woman and
Speaker 2: I was like, I need to see a psychiatrist. I
Speaker 2: need to see an emergency psychologist. I need help with something, please,
Speaker 2: Like what do I do? Even though it was like
Speaker 2: I knew what to do and I even I could
Speaker 2: not get the help I needed. Like I was trying
Speaker 2: to find a psychologist. I was trying to find a psychiatrist.
Speaker 2: It was like six months wait period. It's like I
Speaker 2: don't I can't wait six months, Like I'm suffering right now.
Speaker 2: I like, that's unreasonable. It's just unreasonable. But I also
Speaker 2: understand the pressures on the system. You course psychologists to
Speaker 2: be like oh I don't want to take your case. Sorry,
Speaker 2: I don't have a space. I don't have a space.
Speaker 2: There was one center that I called and I'm not
Speaker 2: going to name them, but oh my god, well they
Speaker 2: just absolutely terrible. They were absolutely terrible. And I called
Speaker 2: them and I was like, this is what's happening. And
Speaker 2: they were like hmm, sorry, we can't help you. And
Speaker 2: I was like, can you refer me to someone else?
Speaker 2: They're like no, And then later on my mom called
Speaker 2: them back up and suddenly they had an appointment for her,
Speaker 2: but not an appointment for me, because you know, I
Speaker 2: understand it, like respect your boundaries, respect your peace. But
Speaker 2: it was one of those things where it's like, am
Speaker 2: I untreatable? Is that what you are implying and not
Speaker 2: accepting my case? Because you are a private clinic, you
Speaker 2: get the system. But yeah, I called this helpline and
Speaker 2: I'm asking for help. I'm like, this is what I need.
Speaker 2: And she genuinely said to me, oh, you know, are
Speaker 2: you on drugs? I was like no, it's an important
Speaker 2: question to ask. I was like, no, I'm not on
Speaker 2: any drugs. Are you having like withdrawals from alcohol? No?
Speaker 2: And then you could see that she was like a
Speaker 2: bit puzzled, and she was like, have you watched any
Speaker 2: scary movies lately? I could not believe that she asked
Speaker 2: me that question. I was like, no, I haven't watched
Speaker 2: any scary movies. I'm mentally unwell, Like I know what's
Speaker 2: wrong with me, and it's not because I've watched Green
Speaker 2: fort Like. It was just this very eye opening experience
Speaker 2: and a reacknowledgment of how terrible and poor our systems
Speaker 2: actually are. How and if you know, I'm someone who
Speaker 2: is I don't want to say an expert, but I
Speaker 2: talk about psychology for a living. I also used to
Speaker 2: work in Australia's mental health system. I helped design some
Speaker 2: of these systems, helped like design especially for children. And
Speaker 2: I cannot navigate this system. Who in the world is
Speaker 2: meant to be able to do that? Who is meant
Speaker 2: to find the help that they need? And eventually she
Speaker 2: was like, oh, you can go to the emergency room,
Speaker 2: and the emergency room is the worst place to be
Speaker 2: if you are someone having a crisis around death anxiety.
Speaker 2: Literally terrible suggestion from her, but I appreciate she was
Speaker 2: probably very overworked and they're doing the best they can.
Speaker 2: They talk to hundreds dozens of people a day who
Speaker 2: have very unique experiences, so full respect to her, just
Speaker 2: wasn't the help that I needed, And it felt like
Speaker 2: a stalemate. It felt like an absolute stalemate. I could
Speaker 2: go on and explain more of what that experience was like,
Speaker 2: but it was just genuinely so devoid of anything exciting.
Speaker 2: There's nothing to report, Like, it's sitting in bed crying
Speaker 2: every thirty minutes, staring at the ceiling, not talking to
Speaker 2: any of your friends, not really wanting to eat, not
Speaker 2: being able to sleep, just complete physical and mental exhaustion
Speaker 2: is the only way I can explain it. The person
Speaker 2: who helped me so so much, who got me through this,
Speaker 2: was well three people was my parents and my partner.
Speaker 2: I cannot imagine how stressful it would have been just
Speaker 2: having to watch someone not want to do anything, not
Speaker 2: want to move, not be able to get the help
Speaker 2: that they needed, just be so terribly overwhelmed for like
Speaker 2: this extended period of time. But they were the ones
Speaker 2: who were like, Nope, we're gonna set small goals. We're
Speaker 2: just gonna leave the house today. We're gonna go through
Speaker 2: a walk, We're gonna go to the animal shelter and
Speaker 2: play with some dogs. My mum was even like, maybe
Speaker 2: I should get you a dog, and I was like,
Speaker 2: part of me like it was so funny. I was
Speaker 2: kind of coming out of it by that stage, and
Speaker 2: I was like, hmm, I probably I know that that
Speaker 2: is probably not a great decision. It's like don't go
Speaker 2: food shopping when you're hungry, don't have a baby when
Speaker 2: your relationship is falling apart, don't get a dog when
Speaker 2: you're having a mental health crisis. That is the three
Speaker 2: cardinal rules. And they were the ones who really got
Speaker 2: me through it. They were the ones who took phone
Speaker 2: call after phone call, who found anyone someone who could
Speaker 2: see me as soon as possible, which was still into
Speaker 2: like was still two to three weeks away, but that
Speaker 2: was the closest that we could get. They went and
Speaker 2: you know, filled my medication scripts for me, filled the
Speaker 2: fridge with food cooked for me, made sure that whatever
Speaker 2: I kind of needed I had. And then my friends, my,
Speaker 2: oh my gosh, my friends. It'd be so interesting and
Speaker 2: funny that I would be just sitting out in my
Speaker 2: backyard crying about how meaningless this world felt, and yet
Speaker 2: people would show up and show that they loved me,
Speaker 2: And isn't that the most meaningful thing ever? My friend
Speaker 2: Meg dropped flowers at my door. My friend Sarah took
Speaker 2: me on like was like, oh, I'll come and do
Speaker 2: anything for you, like I should try. She called me
Speaker 2: like basically every single day. My friend Kate like checked
Speaker 2: in on me, sent me reels like my friend's staff,
Speaker 2: Like all of them were just so there for me
Speaker 2: and made sure that they that I knew that I
Speaker 2: was in their thoughts and that I could talk to them,
Speaker 2: that I could reach them. But they also respected the
Speaker 2: fact that I kind of needed to hermit. To be fair,
Speaker 2: I didn't need to, but that was my that was
Speaker 2: my inclination, that was my instinct, was to hide away.
Speaker 2: They respected that and they continue to reach out. I
Speaker 2: think it's a big problem when someone is really going
Speaker 2: through it with their mental health. Like if you are
Speaker 2: their friend and you know it, but you expect them
Speaker 2: to have to reach out for you, It's like, well,
Speaker 2: that's not gonna happen. That's just there. That is like
Speaker 2: least the last thing that they're thinking about. It's like asking,
Speaker 2: like a friend with like a you know, a fractured
Speaker 2: spine to like come and go for a walk with you.
Speaker 2: It's like, that's not what they're thinking about. That's not
Speaker 2: something that they're capable of checking in with you. Maintaining
Speaker 2: friendships is incredibly difficult, and it's not that there isn't
Speaker 2: a desire and a need and a longing, but when
Speaker 2: everything in your life is just completely devoid of meaning
Speaker 2: and love and a sense of joy, and you just
Speaker 2: feel completely broken. Like those friendships as much as you
Speaker 2: do care about them, Like you don't think about the
Speaker 2: consequence of not talking to someone for a month. You
Speaker 2: don't think about what that's going to do to your relationship.
Speaker 2: You're just trying to get through it. So it's a
Speaker 2: good reminder, and it was a reminder for me, like,
Speaker 2: if you have a friend going through a rough time,
Speaker 2: just reach out. It's not embarrassing, it's not awkward. You know,
Speaker 2: they just might not reply to you, but at least
Speaker 2: they have that message. And there's no one who I've
Speaker 2: ever spoken to who's been like, oh, I wish that
Speaker 2: someone hadn't reached out. I wish that I had less support.
Speaker 2: I wish that I'd known less people loved me, Like,
Speaker 2: it's not how it works. So that was like a
Speaker 2: really valuable, valuable lesson. Another valuable lesson was for me,
Speaker 2: medication is really really important. And I do think that
Speaker 2: a lot of my problem is problem condition is derived
Speaker 2: from something biological, and I know that there are a
Speaker 2: lot of different suggestions to do with this and to
Speaker 2: do with the efficacy and the success of SSRIs or antidepressants.
Speaker 2: Just do what works for you. There is a lot
Speaker 2: of research, and there is a lot of new research
Speaker 2: that says that other things are also really useful, and
Speaker 2: more cognitive mental therapies or talk therapies are useful. For me,
Speaker 2: that is not the case. I look at my life
Speaker 2: and everything is actually quite spectacular, and I'm very, very
Speaker 2: lucky have what I have for me. You can almost
Speaker 2: notice like a biological shift because nothing else in your
Speaker 2: life really changes, and then suddenly you're just in this
Speaker 2: pit and you don't know how to get out. So
Speaker 2: the medication was really really useful, and it was like
Speaker 2: it was so strange, but I was almost like setting
Speaker 2: myself many daily goals, like but this time it wasn't
Speaker 2: for like moving ahead in my career, and it wasn't
Speaker 2: for fitness. It was like, just leave the house, just
Speaker 2: do one essential task today, just call one person, and
Speaker 2: slowly and surely you start to climb the ladder out
Speaker 2: of the hole. And then you fall back a little bit.
Speaker 2: It's never going to be linear, but you ride the
Speaker 2: good times, you ride out the wave of the good times.
Speaker 2: That's the difference between normal life and I think going
Speaker 2: through this is or going through anything that's very difficult
Speaker 2: and very very hard. Is that in normal life you
Speaker 2: kind of just don't really notice when things are just
Speaker 2: even it's slightly bit better than they usually are, kind
Speaker 2: of just take it for granted. But when things are
Speaker 2: going not that well, every small thing that makes you smile,
Speaker 2: every moment where you just have a bit of peace
Speaker 2: and silence in your brain, Oh my gosh, that's all
Speaker 2: I ask for. That is a blessing, and that is
Speaker 2: something that you feel incredibly immensely grateful for. So I
Speaker 2: really rode those happy waves, even if it was for
Speaker 2: three minutes, if it was for an hour, I was
Speaker 2: fully present in that moment. And then you know, I
Speaker 2: did finally get to see someone. It was still a
Speaker 2: long wait, and sometimes I think I'm like, no, they're
Speaker 2: not going to be able to help me, Like I
Speaker 2: already know everything I need to know. Not true. And
Speaker 2: it's not just about knowledge and information. It's about a
Speaker 2: different perspective and it's about having someone neutral who can
Speaker 2: really help you out. So I'm feeling a bit better now.
Speaker 2: I'm slowly coming out of it. I'm still having hard days.
Speaker 2: I was at my pottery class last night, and these
Speaker 2: dark thoughts came back, and I got a bit of
Speaker 2: an adrenaline jolt and a shock and felt the need
Speaker 2: to like run away and herm it again. But I
Speaker 2: pushed through. That's really all you can do at this point.
Speaker 2: It's when you get to that point of being at
Speaker 2: such a low, low stage and just rock bottom mentally
Speaker 2: and psychologically, and I'm sure I'll probably be there again.
Speaker 2: You just you take everything that you can and every
Speaker 2: moment and every skill and every resource that you can muster,
Speaker 2: and you take that and you put it towards just
Speaker 2: feeling even one percent better each day. And that's really
Speaker 2: really tough and it requires strength. But like that example
Speaker 2: from last night, like you just in some ways have
Speaker 2: to ride the wave of the good and the bad
Speaker 2: and just let the thoughts come and let them move on.
Speaker 2: So I'm still not one hundred percent back to normal.
Speaker 2: I don't know, it might take a little while, but
Speaker 2: things are looking up. And I wanted to be open
Speaker 2: and honest with you that this is the reality of
Speaker 2: living with mental health. It's probably or maybe your reality
Speaker 2: as well, and we don't talk about it, and we
Speaker 2: don't acknowledge it, and we don't see stories of it
Speaker 2: in the media unless it's someone you know depicted as
Speaker 2: going quote unquote crazy, unless it's someone depicted as being violent,
Speaker 2: it's not. It's just such a simplistic view of mental health.
Speaker 2: It also looks like me, someone who knows the system,
Speaker 2: someone who talks about this all the time, still being
Speaker 2: confronted with incredibly hard thoughts to manage, and not really
Speaker 2: knowing how to get out of it, not knowing a
Speaker 2: path forward. You are not alone. You are not alone
Speaker 2: in that experience. I absolutely promise you. Please reach out
Speaker 2: to anybody and everybody, reach out to those who love you,
Speaker 2: reach out mental health services. And also if you are
Speaker 2: someone who struggles routinely with their mental health, the best
Speaker 2: time to get care and to get health care and
Speaker 2: to get a therapist or a psychiatrist is actually when
Speaker 2: you're feeling well, because you cannot predict when these waves
Speaker 2: will crash over you. You cannot predict the cycles. You cannot
Speaker 2: predict when you might slip and fall back into this
Speaker 2: kind of dark space. So this is your reminder. Even
Speaker 2: if you're listening to this right now and you're like,
Speaker 2: I'm actually doing really, really fine, I'm not triggered at all,
Speaker 2: but I know I have been in the past, and
Speaker 2: I have been before. Then get help when you are healthy.
Speaker 2: It will prepare you for times like the one I
Speaker 2: was in where it's an emergency and you don't have
Speaker 2: the systems in place. I know it's easier said than done,
Speaker 2: and sometimes that's not even available to us. But if
Speaker 2: you can, it is insurance. You cannot afford to not
Speaker 2: look after your mental health. Well, that's something that my
Speaker 2: mum said to me. She's like, you are someone who
Speaker 2: cannot afford to do this. This is like having a
Speaker 2: chronic illness. You wouldn't let your diabetes get to this point.
Speaker 2: You wouldn't let your You know, if you were diagnosed
Speaker 2: with cancer, you wouldn't skip your follow up appointments and
Speaker 2: to see if the cancer come back, if you're in
Speaker 2: remission or like, you wouldn't do that. So don't deal
Speaker 2: it with your mental health either. It's just as valuable.
Speaker 2: I want to thank you for I'm going to thank
Speaker 2: you in advance for your kindness and for your respect.
Speaker 2: I know that it's a private situation, but I hope
Speaker 2: by making it a bit more public, people feel seen,
Speaker 2: people feel heard, people know how to support their loved
Speaker 2: ones and you don't feel alone, because that would have
Speaker 2: been very, very useful for me during that time. If
Speaker 2: you have any further questions or yeah, I would love
Speaker 2: to hear from you at that psychology podcast you know
Speaker 2: on Monday, we would be back to regularly scheduled programming.
Speaker 2: We're going to talk about right person, wrong time, so
Speaker 2: we'll be moving on. We're moving back to what we
Speaker 2: normally talk about. Thank you for giving me this space
Speaker 2: to just talk at you for half an hour about
Speaker 2: my mental health. It's actually been quite therapeutic, so I
Speaker 2: appreciate the mental load that you took on of listening.
Speaker 2: Make sure that you are following along to hear more episodes.
Speaker 2: And if you enjoyed this episode, maybe you didn't, maybe
Speaker 2: it was quite dark, I apologize, but if you enjoy
Speaker 2: the podcast in general, please leave a five star review.
Speaker 2: I'm going to leave some links to some services in
Speaker 2: the description. If you need them, please don't hesitate to
Speaker 2: use them. That's what they're there for. Even if you
Speaker 2: think that what you're going through isn't that serious, I
Speaker 2: don't think that's for you to decide. I think that objectively,
Speaker 2: if you're struggling. You are struggling, so those services are
Speaker 2: there for you. Please use them. Please, please reach out
Speaker 2: for help. Be kind to yourself, be gentle with yourself.
Speaker 2: It's all of our first times alive, and we will
Speaker 2: talk soon. Mm hmm