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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,

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Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big

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Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they

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Speaker 1: mean for our psychology.

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Speaker 2: All Right, hi, everybody, Hello, I'm not gonna do my

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Speaker 2: cheery little intro today. I assume that you already know

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Speaker 2: what we're talking about, given that you clicked on this episode,

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Speaker 2: and you probably also have guessed or assumed that this

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Speaker 2: episode is going to be a little bit different, a

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Speaker 2: little bit more vulnerable open. Dare I say chatty? Maybe

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Speaker 2: not chatty, just honest. And you know, I felt really

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Speaker 2: strange making this episode compared to my usual content. You know,

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Speaker 2: you come here to learn about the psychology of your

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Speaker 2: twenties and the psychology of flirting and breakups and career

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Speaker 2: anxiety and transitions. We're not going to be really doing

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Speaker 2: that today. We're not going to be really having that.

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Speaker 2: We're not going to be having that usual structure and

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Speaker 2: scientific approach. I want to just take a moment to

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Speaker 2: really get you guys up to speed on what I've

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Speaker 2: been going through, you know, for a long time this

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Speaker 2: I've been doing this podcast for a very long time,

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Speaker 2: and along that journey I've been, I would hope transparent

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Speaker 2: around what is going on in my own personal life.

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Speaker 2: Sometimes I've tried to, you know, create more of a

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Speaker 2: distance or a space between my personal life and what

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Speaker 2: I talk about on the show, but it's very hard

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Speaker 2: for it not to kind of infiltrate and come to

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Speaker 2: the surface because the topics and the ideas and the

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Speaker 2: opinions that I express are or derived from personal experience.

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Speaker 2: And because of that, it felt strange just moving on

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Speaker 2: with regularly scheduled programming and not talking about something pretty

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Speaker 2: serious and hard that I've been through recently, which is

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Speaker 2: that I basically had a mental breakdown. There it is,

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Speaker 2: said it out loud. I had a really really rough

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Speaker 2: time this past month that has completely really shaken me

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Speaker 2: to my core and has kind of made me reconsider

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Speaker 2: my place in the world, made me reconsider mental health

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Speaker 2: in a complete new new light, spiritual health in a

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Speaker 2: new light, you know, this decade in a new light.

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Speaker 2: And I really want to kind of share what that

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Speaker 2: was like, what that experience was like going through it

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Speaker 2: for those of you who might be going through something similar.

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Speaker 2: And like I said, I really debated talking about this.

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Speaker 2: It is so just inherently vulnerable. But you know, I've

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Speaker 2: spoken about breakups, I've spoken about grief, I've spoken about

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Speaker 2: you know, losing family members, I've spoken about my physical health.

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Speaker 2: And why does you know the ball have to stop there?

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Speaker 2: Why do we then tend to shy away when it

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Speaker 2: comes to talking about our mental health with the same

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Speaker 2: openness and authenticity and honesty that we would discuss all

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Speaker 2: these other topics and all these other experiences of this decade.

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Speaker 2: This is my reality at the moment. It's something that

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Speaker 2: I'm going through, and as sad as it is, unfortunate

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Speaker 2: as it is, I also know that there are many

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Speaker 2: of you who are probably going through this as well,

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Speaker 2: and you feel so completely entirely alone, and so whilst

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Speaker 2: like this podcast is obviously about providing science and evidence

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Speaker 2: in this self help space and giving you like factual

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Speaker 2: wellness content, it's also about community and it's also about

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Speaker 2: being able to see your experiences reflected back in thousands,

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Speaker 2: if not millions of others. You know, whatever you're struggling with,

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Speaker 2: I think there is a huge comfort that comes from

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Speaker 2: knowing that you are not alone in that experience, that

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Speaker 2: there is someone somewhere elsewhere who is navigating the same

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Speaker 2: challenges as you are. The big problem I find all

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Speaker 2: the big hurdle I find with talking about, you know,

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Speaker 2: mental health very explicitly and you know, not just saying yeah,

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Speaker 2: I have mental health struggles, but being like, no, I've

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Speaker 2: had a full you know, mental breakdown, prolonged depressive episode,

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Speaker 2: massive anxiety, is that you do still recognize the stigma

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Speaker 2: that is attached even in this space, even though I've

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Speaker 2: made and you know, this is my career. I talk

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Speaker 2: about psychology. Talking about psychology and talking about the very real,

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Speaker 2: lived experience of mental health is quite different and is

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Speaker 2: opening yourself up to a lot of misunderstanding. And that's

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Speaker 2: something that I've kind of accepted in talking about this today,

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Speaker 2: is that you know, people could listen to this and

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Speaker 2: just be like, I like, what is she talking about?

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Speaker 2: Or maybe people will listen to this and be like, well,

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Speaker 2: I'm you know, I'm not going to listen to such

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Speaker 2: an untrustworthy narrator from now on, you know, because she's

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Speaker 2: not talking about mental health in like, you know, in

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Speaker 2: like a guy a guarded way. She's talking about it

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Speaker 2: very openly and with great realness, and that can be

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Speaker 2: really confronting. For some people, So I would just ask

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Speaker 2: for grace. This episode is not structured. It's going to

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Speaker 2: be a bit of a ramble, and I've kind of

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Speaker 2: accepted that some people might be shocked to hear this,

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Speaker 2: some people might be confronted. So just checking on yourself

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Speaker 2: as to where you are, and if you think this

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Speaker 2: will be helpful, please listen on. If you just want,

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Speaker 2: like to know what it's like I guess, or to

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Speaker 2: see or to be able to provide help with for

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Speaker 2: someone else who you know who might be going through

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Speaker 2: the same experience. That is really my ultimate goal here

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Speaker 2: is to provide a lived experience for you to reflect

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Speaker 2: on in your own life when you confront scary topics

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Speaker 2: such as and scary ideas such as the ones that

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Speaker 2: I've been working through. If you have been listening for

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Speaker 2: a while, you'll know that every now and again I

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Speaker 2: give like a mental health update, because this is like

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Speaker 2: a mental health podcast. And a few months ago I

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Speaker 2: even gave like an update where I was like, I

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Speaker 2: am doing so well, I'm thriving, I'm living my best life.

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Speaker 2: I'm like going off my antidepressants, like everything is good,

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Speaker 2: We're making forward progress. And then things changed as they

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Speaker 2: very often do with our brains and our minds and

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Speaker 2: our perception and our and our health health. You think

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Speaker 2: you're doing real, very well, but one of the realities

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Speaker 2: of living with a mental health condition is that kind

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Speaker 2: of in the back of your mind you always know

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Speaker 2: that there is there is a time that will come

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Speaker 2: where it could get worse. And so even if you

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Speaker 2: are feeling amazing and fabulous and enjoying life, it's a

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Speaker 2: there's a hesitancy, there is a sense of like tiptoeing

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Speaker 2: around that experience, like, oh, how long is this going

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Speaker 2: to last? How long am I going to feel like this?

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Speaker 2: Because you know that the other shoe might eventually drop.

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Speaker 2: You know, you might get bad again, and you hope not,

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Speaker 2: but that is the case, and that is what happened

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Speaker 2: with me. I went from being super super happy and

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Speaker 2: then there was just this slow descent and always in hindsight,

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Speaker 2: can you see the path that you've taken? Right in

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Speaker 2: the moment, you just want to survive and push forward.

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Speaker 2: You're hoping that it's like hormonal or contextual, or it's

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Speaker 2: just because you're really stressed, and then the stress fades,

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Speaker 2: and then you know, the days go on and it's like, Oh,

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Speaker 2: I just can't get these thoughts out of my head.

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Speaker 2: My biggest fixation and the thing that really culminated me

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Speaker 2: really kind of just not being able to cope for

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Speaker 2: a while there had to do with thoughts and anxieties

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Speaker 2: around death. I have very intense death anxiety. Feels weird

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Speaker 2: to say that out loud. I'm sure some of you

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Speaker 2: may have realized that or guessed it, but it's not

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Speaker 2: something I talk about that much because, to be honest,

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Speaker 2: talking about it, it like puts it like you squarely

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Speaker 2: have to face it and it's right there, and it's

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Speaker 2: like incredibly terrible, inevitable fear. It's I think the most

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Speaker 2: profound fear to fear death because everything else in life,

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Speaker 2: you know, you can kind of avoid, or you can

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Speaker 2: change your behaviors to avoid, and death is one of

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Speaker 2: those things that you just can't. And you have to

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Speaker 2: try and find a way to create a meaning in

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Speaker 2: a finite life and to have some form of comfort

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Speaker 2: or vision or value or life philosophy that lets you

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Speaker 2: push forward. And I just kind of lost that. I

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Speaker 2: just no longer could access my purpose and my meaning

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Speaker 2: and my life philosophy around why are we here, What

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Speaker 2: are we doing here? Life is just this big, inconvenient,

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Speaker 2: meaningless thing. And it almost felt like the universe was

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Speaker 2: like collapsing in on me, like I'd be lying in bed,

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Speaker 2: and it was just like the absolute terror of knowing

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Speaker 2: that this thing that you're terrified of is going to

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Speaker 2: happen to you, and then the equal terror of knowing

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Speaker 2: that there's nothing you can do about it, and no

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Speaker 2: matter what you think about it, like don't change what's

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Speaker 2: going to happen. And yeah, so gosh, dark, very very dark.

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Speaker 2: And I think it's something that we all have at

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Speaker 2: the back of our minds, right, everyone knows this. There

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Speaker 2: are just times in your life where you feel more

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Speaker 2: It's kind of like, how do I explain it. It's

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Speaker 2: like there's this weird, fuzzy film, like a fuzzy transparent

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Speaker 2: curtain between you and thinking about death. And most of

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Speaker 2: the time, you know, we've got our back turn to

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Speaker 2: the curtain and we're enjoying everything that's in life, and

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Speaker 2: then other times you turn around and you peek behind

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Speaker 2: the curtain and it's just so just incomprehensible that it

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Speaker 2: really starts to get you down. And then for me,

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Speaker 2: things come up around time and meaning and love and

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Speaker 2: connection and fear of seeing people I love pass away.

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Speaker 2: And you can see how the ball gets rolling real

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Speaker 2: real quick, really really quickly. I think the only time

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Speaker 2: I haven't had these fears has been when I was

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Speaker 2: someone who was quite spiritual and religious, you know, and

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Speaker 2: suddenly not suddenly, and I just am not anymore. It's

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Speaker 2: just part of the life journey and the transition that

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Speaker 2: I've gone through where I just no longer saw myself

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Speaker 2: in the home of religion. I see its value, I

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Speaker 2: see the value of spirituality, but it's just the current

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Speaker 2: structures that are presented to me, like I just don't

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Speaker 2: really relate to them. I'm kind of a woman of science.

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Speaker 2: This is sometimes I don't really feel like it makes sense.

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Speaker 2: And I think that that detachment from a spiritual understanding

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Speaker 2: of my life really has contributed to these cycles of

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Speaker 2: really existential, negative, incomprehensible thoughts. The point where I really

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Speaker 2: started to realize like, oh no, like this is not

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Speaker 2: going the way it shouldn't. And I've gone through this before,

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Speaker 2: and it's like you can really there's like a it's

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Speaker 2: like a it's like a flight path, right, Like there's

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Speaker 2: like a journey and you can like see the roadblocks

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Speaker 2: and you like kind of know what's coming, and you

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Speaker 2: know that like once you get to a certain stage,

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Speaker 2: it's like, you know shit, like there's no turning back.

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Speaker 2: And when I realized that was when I was in Bali.

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Speaker 2: Before I went to Bali, I was so busy. I

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Speaker 2: had so much going on that it really meant that

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Speaker 2: I couldn't really think about anything bigger or more profound

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Speaker 2: than the present and what was happening right now. And

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Speaker 2: then I went on vacation. I went on holiday. Interestingly,

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Speaker 2: I was really excited. Course not interestingly, obviously, I was

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Speaker 2: very excited. I was very excited to just like spend

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Speaker 2: time with my mom and my cousin and my auntie

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Speaker 2: and relaxed by the pool and drink peanut coladas and

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Speaker 2: go on hikes and see the sites and go to

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Speaker 2: the markets. And actually what ended up happening was all

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Speaker 2: the things that were keeping me anchored to the present,

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Speaker 2: And by that, I mean my stress was lifted. And

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Speaker 2: suddenly all the thoughts that I'd been trying very hard

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Speaker 2: to push down and suppress came flooding in, and I

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Speaker 2: did not have the tools to deal with it. I

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Speaker 2: spent BALI was amazing, but I spent a lot of

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Speaker 2: time in my own head, in my brain overworking and

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Speaker 2: overthinking concepts, ideas, big ideas about the universe and the

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Speaker 2: world and purpose in life and God and religion. Not

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Speaker 2: a fun place to be. I think those thoughts have

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Speaker 2: their time and place, but they should really be explored

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Speaker 2: when you feel mentally prepared for them. My problem was

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Speaker 2: that I hadn't provided myself with the space or the

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Speaker 2: mental capacity to think about it, to think about it

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Speaker 2: when I needed to think about it at a time

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Speaker 2: when I was more able to deal with how confronting

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Speaker 2: it could be. And so I always say this, you

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Speaker 2: can avoid, and you can avoid, and you can avoid,

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Speaker 2: but it will come up at the most inconvenient time.

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Speaker 2: And that is what happened. Then I went to New York.

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Speaker 2: I remember walking around the streets of New York and

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Speaker 2: just being like, I really wish I could be having

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Speaker 2: fun right now, but everything feels so impermanent, and everything

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Speaker 2: just feels so tragic and terrifying, and it's kind of

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Speaker 2: like you cannot see the world except for from this

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Speaker 2: place of finality, in this place of I don't know

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Speaker 2: that everything will eventually be gone, and that imbues all

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Speaker 2: of your experiences. Everything that you perceive is imbued with

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Speaker 2: this tinge of like sadness, even for sadness, for the

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Speaker 2: fact that one day this will be gone, you know,

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Speaker 2: even though right now now it isn't. It's very, very

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Speaker 2: like mentally complicated. I think it really comes from like

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Speaker 2: a detachment with the present. I made an episode a

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Speaker 2: couple of weeks back, maybe like a month now, that

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Speaker 2: was like the power of staying present. Really, that was

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Speaker 2: me trying to remind myself of that power and trying

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Speaker 2: to reinforce my own habits when it came to this.

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Speaker 2: But by the time I got back to Australia, like

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Speaker 2: things were not going well, things were not working out

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Speaker 2: for me, and I entered this pretty dark place where

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Speaker 2: I could not really make sense of reality. Not in

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Speaker 2: the sense that I was like experiencing psychosis or anything,

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Speaker 2: but it just was like everything was very clouded. Everything

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Speaker 2: was overruled by constant, repetitive thinking in a thought spiral.

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Speaker 2: It began to really make me want to withdraw. I

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Speaker 2: think my biggest fear when I'm going through a bit

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Speaker 2: of an existential mental breakdown. Whatever you want to call

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Speaker 2: it is passing it on to someone else. I know

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Speaker 2: this sounds very, very strange, but sometimes I believe, you know,

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Speaker 2: that my thoughts could be contagious, and that you're going

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Speaker 2: to say something to someone that they've never considered before

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Speaker 2: and it's going to really scare them. And that is

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Speaker 2: what really scares me, is that I could plunge someone

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Speaker 2: else into this situation, in this dark, downward thought spiral.

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Speaker 2: So I stayed silent about it for a while, very

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Speaker 2: silent at my own detriment. Then I started telling my boyfriend,

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Speaker 2: but it was kind of with a laugh and a

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Speaker 2: giggle and you know, like, oh, my crazy brain. Anyhow,

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Speaker 2: I don't want to talk about it. Let's move on.

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Speaker 2: It always fascinates me that I know what to do right.

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Speaker 2: I have the tools, the strategies. I know how to

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Speaker 2: work through a situation like this, and one of the

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Speaker 2: main pillars, and one of the best things you can

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Speaker 2: do for yourself is to open up and is to

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Speaker 2: share the burden. It's a lot easier said than done.

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Speaker 2: You don't feel like you have the right almost you don't.

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Speaker 2: You don't want to let people in because that would

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Speaker 2: require you acknowledging that your situation is bad. That is

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Speaker 2: how I'll say it, because that is how it was.

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Speaker 2: And then it was like almost a flip switched. We

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Speaker 2: went out one night, went out drinking with like my

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Speaker 2: best friends. It's like, I should be the happiest I've

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Speaker 2: ever been in the world, ever been at any time,

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Speaker 2: Like I have the most beautiful friends, I'm in this

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Speaker 2: beautiful city. And I woke up the next day in

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Speaker 2: a panic, and my whole body was shaking, and I

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Speaker 2: was stuck. I was stuck in my mind and I

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Speaker 2: was stuck in this thought and it's almost like walking

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Speaker 2: through a day and it's just like death, death, death, death,

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Speaker 2: pretty freaking hard. And that's when I realized that I

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Speaker 2: really needed some help. Luckily, my mom was in town,

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Speaker 2: so she ended up canceling like all of her work

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Speaker 2: engagements for the rest of the week and stay with me.

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Speaker 2: And my boyfriend stayed with me, well, we basically lived together,

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Speaker 2: but he would come back from work every single night

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Speaker 2: and just hold me because I didn't want to leave

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Speaker 2: my room. I didn't want to leave my house. Everything

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Speaker 2: was just confusing and overwhelming and loud. Loud is probably

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Speaker 2: the best way I can describe it, and lonely and isolating.

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Speaker 2: You just feel like you are floating in space and

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Speaker 2: no one else can understand your experience, and you're just

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Speaker 2: absolutely terrified and you don't know how you're going to

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Speaker 2: get back to like the mothership of reality and the

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Speaker 2: mothership of rationality as well. So my mom came and

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Speaker 2: stayed with me for a week and then passed the

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Speaker 2: baton over to my dad, who came and stayed with

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Speaker 2: me for another week. And that two week period involved

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Speaker 2: me not being able to eat, not being able to sleep,

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Speaker 2: and then when I did sleep, waking up in a

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00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:04,879
Speaker 2: sweat and shaking, just not wanting to leave the house,

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00:19:06,080 --> 00:19:08,240
Speaker 2: genuinely just being in a catatonic state, like I would

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Speaker 2: just sit in bed and stare at the wall, trying

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00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:14,440
Speaker 2: really hard to do work, trying really hard to go

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Speaker 2: to the gym and to go to my pottery classes

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00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:20,280
Speaker 2: and to see friends, and it was not possible. It

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00:19:20,359 --> 00:19:22,960
Speaker 2: was not happening for me at that time. The other

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00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:26,920
Speaker 2: thing was mental health access in Australia, and I'm going

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00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:31,320
Speaker 2: to assume this is everywhere is absolutely abysmal. It's literally abysmal.

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Speaker 2: I called a crisis line, which I'll openly admit I

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00:19:35,320 --> 00:19:39,080
Speaker 2: think crisis lines are amazing. Lifeline if you're in Australia.

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Speaker 2: I'm sure there are other crisis lines in the US

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00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:43,719
Speaker 2: and the UK and elsewhere. Lifelines are incredible. But this

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00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:47,119
Speaker 2: experience was not incredible because I called this woman and

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00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:50,240
Speaker 2: I was like, I need to see a psychiatrist. I

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00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:56,040
Speaker 2: need to see an emergency psychologist. I need help with something, please,

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Speaker 2: Like what do I do? Even though it was like

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00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:01,000
Speaker 2: I knew what to do and I even I could

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00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:02,960
Speaker 2: not get the help I needed. Like I was trying

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Speaker 2: to find a psychologist. I was trying to find a psychiatrist.

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00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:08,000
Speaker 2: It was like six months wait period. It's like I

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Speaker 2: don't I can't wait six months, Like I'm suffering right now.

327
00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:16,440
Speaker 2: I like, that's unreasonable. It's just unreasonable. But I also

328
00:20:16,560 --> 00:20:20,080
Speaker 2: understand the pressures on the system. You course psychologists to

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00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:22,119
Speaker 2: be like oh I don't want to take your case. Sorry,

330
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Speaker 2: I don't have a space. I don't have a space.

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Speaker 2: There was one center that I called and I'm not

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00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:29,560
Speaker 2: going to name them, but oh my god, well they

333
00:20:29,680 --> 00:20:33,800
Speaker 2: just absolutely terrible. They were absolutely terrible. And I called

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00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:35,600
Speaker 2: them and I was like, this is what's happening. And

335
00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:38,359
Speaker 2: they were like hmm, sorry, we can't help you. And

336
00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:40,080
Speaker 2: I was like, can you refer me to someone else?

337
00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:43,400
Speaker 2: They're like no, And then later on my mom called

338
00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:46,160
Speaker 2: them back up and suddenly they had an appointment for her,

339
00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:49,560
Speaker 2: but not an appointment for me, because you know, I

340
00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:52,439
Speaker 2: understand it, like respect your boundaries, respect your peace. But

341
00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:54,760
Speaker 2: it was one of those things where it's like, am

342
00:20:54,760 --> 00:20:57,320
Speaker 2: I untreatable? Is that what you are implying and not

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00:20:57,359 --> 00:21:01,240
Speaker 2: accepting my case? Because you are a private clinic, you

344
00:21:01,320 --> 00:21:03,640
Speaker 2: get the system. But yeah, I called this helpline and

345
00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:06,520
Speaker 2: I'm asking for help. I'm like, this is what I need.

346
00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:11,439
Speaker 2: And she genuinely said to me, oh, you know, are

347
00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:13,800
Speaker 2: you on drugs? I was like no, it's an important

348
00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:15,119
Speaker 2: question to ask. I was like, no, I'm not on

349
00:21:15,119 --> 00:21:19,040
Speaker 2: any drugs. Are you having like withdrawals from alcohol? No?

350
00:21:19,640 --> 00:21:20,960
Speaker 2: And then you could see that she was like a

351
00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:23,280
Speaker 2: bit puzzled, and she was like, have you watched any

352
00:21:23,840 --> 00:21:28,280
Speaker 2: scary movies lately? I could not believe that she asked

353
00:21:28,320 --> 00:21:29,960
Speaker 2: me that question. I was like, no, I haven't watched

354
00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:32,920
Speaker 2: any scary movies. I'm mentally unwell, Like I know what's

355
00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:35,359
Speaker 2: wrong with me, and it's not because I've watched Green

356
00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:41,360
Speaker 2: fort Like. It was just this very eye opening experience

357
00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:47,840
Speaker 2: and a reacknowledgment of how terrible and poor our systems

358
00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:51,640
Speaker 2: actually are. How and if you know, I'm someone who

359
00:21:51,840 --> 00:21:53,959
Speaker 2: is I don't want to say an expert, but I

360
00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:58,280
Speaker 2: talk about psychology for a living. I also used to

361
00:21:58,320 --> 00:22:02,160
Speaker 2: work in Australia's mental health system. I helped design some

362
00:22:02,200 --> 00:22:06,000
Speaker 2: of these systems, helped like design especially for children. And

363
00:22:06,160 --> 00:22:09,560
Speaker 2: I cannot navigate this system. Who in the world is

364
00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:11,880
Speaker 2: meant to be able to do that? Who is meant

365
00:22:11,920 --> 00:22:14,679
Speaker 2: to find the help that they need? And eventually she

366
00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:16,360
Speaker 2: was like, oh, you can go to the emergency room,

367
00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:19,320
Speaker 2: and the emergency room is the worst place to be

368
00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:23,639
Speaker 2: if you are someone having a crisis around death anxiety.

369
00:22:23,920 --> 00:22:26,760
Speaker 2: Literally terrible suggestion from her, but I appreciate she was

370
00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:30,280
Speaker 2: probably very overworked and they're doing the best they can.

371
00:22:30,359 --> 00:22:33,320
Speaker 2: They talk to hundreds dozens of people a day who

372
00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:36,800
Speaker 2: have very unique experiences, so full respect to her, just

373
00:22:36,880 --> 00:22:39,719
Speaker 2: wasn't the help that I needed, And it felt like

374
00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:43,680
Speaker 2: a stalemate. It felt like an absolute stalemate. I could

375
00:22:43,680 --> 00:22:46,800
Speaker 2: go on and explain more of what that experience was like,

376
00:22:46,880 --> 00:22:51,680
Speaker 2: but it was just genuinely so devoid of anything exciting.

377
00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:55,880
Speaker 2: There's nothing to report, Like, it's sitting in bed crying

378
00:22:56,080 --> 00:23:01,159
Speaker 2: every thirty minutes, staring at the ceiling, not talking to

379
00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:05,199
Speaker 2: any of your friends, not really wanting to eat, not

380
00:23:05,240 --> 00:23:10,440
Speaker 2: being able to sleep, just complete physical and mental exhaustion

381
00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:15,399
Speaker 2: is the only way I can explain it. The person

382
00:23:15,440 --> 00:23:18,680
Speaker 2: who helped me so so much, who got me through this,

383
00:23:19,760 --> 00:23:23,080
Speaker 2: was well three people was my parents and my partner.

384
00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:27,159
Speaker 2: I cannot imagine how stressful it would have been just

385
00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:31,000
Speaker 2: having to watch someone not want to do anything, not

386
00:23:31,040 --> 00:23:32,960
Speaker 2: want to move, not be able to get the help

387
00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:36,880
Speaker 2: that they needed, just be so terribly overwhelmed for like

388
00:23:37,080 --> 00:23:41,560
Speaker 2: this extended period of time. But they were the ones

389
00:23:41,600 --> 00:23:44,760
Speaker 2: who were like, Nope, we're gonna set small goals. We're

390
00:23:44,760 --> 00:23:47,160
Speaker 2: just gonna leave the house today. We're gonna go through

391
00:23:47,200 --> 00:23:51,479
Speaker 2: a walk, We're gonna go to the animal shelter and

392
00:23:51,520 --> 00:23:54,520
Speaker 2: play with some dogs. My mum was even like, maybe

393
00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:55,919
Speaker 2: I should get you a dog, and I was like,

394
00:23:56,680 --> 00:23:58,119
Speaker 2: part of me like it was so funny. I was

395
00:23:58,160 --> 00:23:59,600
Speaker 2: kind of coming out of it by that stage, and

396
00:23:59,640 --> 00:24:02,840
Speaker 2: I was like, hmm, I probably I know that that

397
00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:05,119
Speaker 2: is probably not a great decision. It's like don't go

398
00:24:05,200 --> 00:24:07,600
Speaker 2: food shopping when you're hungry, don't have a baby when

399
00:24:07,640 --> 00:24:10,800
Speaker 2: your relationship is falling apart, don't get a dog when

400
00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:13,840
Speaker 2: you're having a mental health crisis. That is the three

401
00:24:14,160 --> 00:24:18,280
Speaker 2: cardinal rules. And they were the ones who really got

402
00:24:18,320 --> 00:24:21,320
Speaker 2: me through it. They were the ones who took phone

403
00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:25,520
Speaker 2: call after phone call, who found anyone someone who could

404
00:24:25,520 --> 00:24:28,360
Speaker 2: see me as soon as possible, which was still into

405
00:24:28,560 --> 00:24:30,960
Speaker 2: like was still two to three weeks away, but that

406
00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:34,480
Speaker 2: was the closest that we could get. They went and

407
00:24:34,720 --> 00:24:37,720
Speaker 2: you know, filled my medication scripts for me, filled the

408
00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:41,520
Speaker 2: fridge with food cooked for me, made sure that whatever

409
00:24:41,560 --> 00:24:45,560
Speaker 2: I kind of needed I had. And then my friends, my,

410
00:24:45,760 --> 00:24:49,359
Speaker 2: oh my gosh, my friends. It'd be so interesting and

411
00:24:49,400 --> 00:24:52,960
Speaker 2: funny that I would be just sitting out in my

412
00:24:53,040 --> 00:24:59,040
Speaker 2: backyard crying about how meaningless this world felt, and yet

413
00:24:59,440 --> 00:25:01,480
Speaker 2: people would show up and show that they loved me,

414
00:25:02,119 --> 00:25:05,280
Speaker 2: And isn't that the most meaningful thing ever? My friend

415
00:25:05,320 --> 00:25:09,560
Speaker 2: Meg dropped flowers at my door. My friend Sarah took

416
00:25:09,600 --> 00:25:11,800
Speaker 2: me on like was like, oh, I'll come and do

417
00:25:11,880 --> 00:25:13,600
Speaker 2: anything for you, like I should try. She called me

418
00:25:13,680 --> 00:25:17,399
Speaker 2: like basically every single day. My friend Kate like checked

419
00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:20,880
Speaker 2: in on me, sent me reels like my friend's staff,

420
00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:23,800
Speaker 2: Like all of them were just so there for me

421
00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:26,320
Speaker 2: and made sure that they that I knew that I

422
00:25:26,440 --> 00:25:29,320
Speaker 2: was in their thoughts and that I could talk to them,

423
00:25:29,560 --> 00:25:32,560
Speaker 2: that I could reach them. But they also respected the

424
00:25:32,600 --> 00:25:36,040
Speaker 2: fact that I kind of needed to hermit. To be fair,

425
00:25:36,080 --> 00:25:38,679
Speaker 2: I didn't need to, but that was my that was

426
00:25:38,760 --> 00:25:42,680
Speaker 2: my inclination, that was my instinct, was to hide away.

427
00:25:43,240 --> 00:25:47,439
Speaker 2: They respected that and they continue to reach out. I

428
00:25:47,440 --> 00:25:49,520
Speaker 2: think it's a big problem when someone is really going

429
00:25:49,560 --> 00:25:51,080
Speaker 2: through it with their mental health. Like if you are

430
00:25:51,119 --> 00:25:54,400
Speaker 2: their friend and you know it, but you expect them

431
00:25:54,440 --> 00:25:56,680
Speaker 2: to have to reach out for you, It's like, well,

432
00:25:56,720 --> 00:25:59,879
Speaker 2: that's not gonna happen. That's just there. That is like

433
00:26:00,280 --> 00:26:03,879
Speaker 2: least the last thing that they're thinking about. It's like asking,

434
00:26:03,920 --> 00:26:07,240
Speaker 2: like a friend with like a you know, a fractured

435
00:26:07,280 --> 00:26:10,399
Speaker 2: spine to like come and go for a walk with you.

436
00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:13,360
Speaker 2: It's like, that's not what they're thinking about. That's not

437
00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:16,879
Speaker 2: something that they're capable of checking in with you. Maintaining

438
00:26:17,280 --> 00:26:20,359
Speaker 2: friendships is incredibly difficult, and it's not that there isn't

439
00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:25,119
Speaker 2: a desire and a need and a longing, but when

440
00:26:25,359 --> 00:26:29,800
Speaker 2: everything in your life is just completely devoid of meaning

441
00:26:29,880 --> 00:26:33,320
Speaker 2: and love and a sense of joy, and you just

442
00:26:33,320 --> 00:26:36,879
Speaker 2: feel completely broken. Like those friendships as much as you

443
00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:39,359
Speaker 2: do care about them, Like you don't think about the

444
00:26:39,400 --> 00:26:42,359
Speaker 2: consequence of not talking to someone for a month. You

445
00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:44,440
Speaker 2: don't think about what that's going to do to your relationship.

446
00:26:44,480 --> 00:26:46,520
Speaker 2: You're just trying to get through it. So it's a

447
00:26:46,560 --> 00:26:48,560
Speaker 2: good reminder, and it was a reminder for me, like,

448
00:26:48,560 --> 00:26:50,359
Speaker 2: if you have a friend going through a rough time,

449
00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:55,199
Speaker 2: just reach out. It's not embarrassing, it's not awkward. You know,

450
00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:57,000
Speaker 2: they just might not reply to you, but at least

451
00:26:57,000 --> 00:27:00,719
Speaker 2: they have that message. And there's no one who I've

452
00:27:00,760 --> 00:27:03,280
Speaker 2: ever spoken to who's been like, oh, I wish that

453
00:27:03,400 --> 00:27:06,639
Speaker 2: someone hadn't reached out. I wish that I had less support.

454
00:27:06,680 --> 00:27:08,919
Speaker 2: I wish that I'd known less people loved me, Like,

455
00:27:09,440 --> 00:27:11,159
Speaker 2: it's not how it works. So that was like a

456
00:27:11,200 --> 00:27:15,560
Speaker 2: really valuable, valuable lesson. Another valuable lesson was for me,

457
00:27:15,560 --> 00:27:19,760
Speaker 2: medication is really really important. And I do think that

458
00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:25,320
Speaker 2: a lot of my problem is problem condition is derived

459
00:27:25,359 --> 00:27:27,600
Speaker 2: from something biological, and I know that there are a

460
00:27:27,640 --> 00:27:30,719
Speaker 2: lot of different suggestions to do with this and to

461
00:27:30,720 --> 00:27:37,160
Speaker 2: do with the efficacy and the success of SSRIs or antidepressants.

462
00:27:38,040 --> 00:27:40,440
Speaker 2: Just do what works for you. There is a lot

463
00:27:40,440 --> 00:27:42,800
Speaker 2: of research, and there is a lot of new research

464
00:27:42,800 --> 00:27:47,280
Speaker 2: that says that other things are also really useful, and

465
00:27:47,359 --> 00:27:51,679
Speaker 2: more cognitive mental therapies or talk therapies are useful. For me,

466
00:27:51,840 --> 00:27:54,280
Speaker 2: that is not the case. I look at my life

467
00:27:54,359 --> 00:27:59,000
Speaker 2: and everything is actually quite spectacular, and I'm very, very

468
00:27:59,119 --> 00:28:02,800
Speaker 2: lucky have what I have for me. You can almost

469
00:28:02,840 --> 00:28:06,240
Speaker 2: notice like a biological shift because nothing else in your

470
00:28:06,280 --> 00:28:10,040
Speaker 2: life really changes, and then suddenly you're just in this

471
00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:12,639
Speaker 2: pit and you don't know how to get out. So

472
00:28:12,680 --> 00:28:15,720
Speaker 2: the medication was really really useful, and it was like

473
00:28:16,320 --> 00:28:18,320
Speaker 2: it was so strange, but I was almost like setting

474
00:28:18,320 --> 00:28:22,520
Speaker 2: myself many daily goals, like but this time it wasn't

475
00:28:22,520 --> 00:28:24,600
Speaker 2: for like moving ahead in my career, and it wasn't

476
00:28:24,600 --> 00:28:28,000
Speaker 2: for fitness. It was like, just leave the house, just

477
00:28:28,080 --> 00:28:32,800
Speaker 2: do one essential task today, just call one person, and

478
00:28:32,920 --> 00:28:37,000
Speaker 2: slowly and surely you start to climb the ladder out

479
00:28:37,040 --> 00:28:38,560
Speaker 2: of the hole. And then you fall back a little bit.

480
00:28:38,600 --> 00:28:42,280
Speaker 2: It's never going to be linear, but you ride the

481
00:28:42,280 --> 00:28:44,880
Speaker 2: good times, you ride out the wave of the good times.

482
00:28:45,520 --> 00:28:48,560
Speaker 2: That's the difference between normal life and I think going

483
00:28:48,600 --> 00:28:51,560
Speaker 2: through this is or going through anything that's very difficult

484
00:28:51,600 --> 00:28:57,200
Speaker 2: and very very hard. Is that in normal life you

485
00:28:57,320 --> 00:29:00,680
Speaker 2: kind of just don't really notice when things are just

486
00:29:00,760 --> 00:29:03,760
Speaker 2: even it's slightly bit better than they usually are, kind

487
00:29:03,760 --> 00:29:06,280
Speaker 2: of just take it for granted. But when things are

488
00:29:06,320 --> 00:29:10,440
Speaker 2: going not that well, every small thing that makes you smile,

489
00:29:11,080 --> 00:29:13,160
Speaker 2: every moment where you just have a bit of peace

490
00:29:13,360 --> 00:29:16,320
Speaker 2: and silence in your brain, Oh my gosh, that's all

491
00:29:16,360 --> 00:29:20,160
Speaker 2: I ask for. That is a blessing, and that is

492
00:29:20,200 --> 00:29:26,240
Speaker 2: something that you feel incredibly immensely grateful for. So I

493
00:29:26,320 --> 00:29:30,440
Speaker 2: really rode those happy waves, even if it was for

494
00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:33,600
Speaker 2: three minutes, if it was for an hour, I was

495
00:29:33,640 --> 00:29:37,000
Speaker 2: fully present in that moment. And then you know, I

496
00:29:37,040 --> 00:29:39,960
Speaker 2: did finally get to see someone. It was still a

497
00:29:40,000 --> 00:29:43,360
Speaker 2: long wait, and sometimes I think I'm like, no, they're

498
00:29:43,360 --> 00:29:44,520
Speaker 2: not going to be able to help me, Like I

499
00:29:44,560 --> 00:29:47,240
Speaker 2: already know everything I need to know. Not true. And

500
00:29:47,320 --> 00:29:50,440
Speaker 2: it's not just about knowledge and information. It's about a

501
00:29:50,480 --> 00:29:54,560
Speaker 2: different perspective and it's about having someone neutral who can

502
00:29:54,880 --> 00:29:57,760
Speaker 2: really help you out. So I'm feeling a bit better now.

503
00:29:57,840 --> 00:30:01,440
Speaker 2: I'm slowly coming out of it. I'm still having hard days.

504
00:30:01,480 --> 00:30:04,520
Speaker 2: I was at my pottery class last night, and these

505
00:30:04,600 --> 00:30:06,600
Speaker 2: dark thoughts came back, and I got a bit of

506
00:30:06,640 --> 00:30:09,440
Speaker 2: an adrenaline jolt and a shock and felt the need

507
00:30:09,480 --> 00:30:11,880
Speaker 2: to like run away and herm it again. But I

508
00:30:11,920 --> 00:30:15,200
Speaker 2: pushed through. That's really all you can do at this point.

509
00:30:15,720 --> 00:30:18,080
Speaker 2: It's when you get to that point of being at

510
00:30:18,080 --> 00:30:22,880
Speaker 2: such a low, low stage and just rock bottom mentally

511
00:30:22,960 --> 00:30:26,200
Speaker 2: and psychologically, and I'm sure I'll probably be there again.

512
00:30:27,000 --> 00:30:31,320
Speaker 2: You just you take everything that you can and every

513
00:30:31,440 --> 00:30:35,840
Speaker 2: moment and every skill and every resource that you can muster,

514
00:30:36,280 --> 00:30:38,040
Speaker 2: and you take that and you put it towards just

515
00:30:38,080 --> 00:30:41,360
Speaker 2: feeling even one percent better each day. And that's really

516
00:30:41,360 --> 00:30:44,320
Speaker 2: really tough and it requires strength. But like that example

517
00:30:44,320 --> 00:30:47,400
Speaker 2: from last night, like you just in some ways have

518
00:30:47,480 --> 00:30:49,840
Speaker 2: to ride the wave of the good and the bad

519
00:30:50,200 --> 00:30:52,560
Speaker 2: and just let the thoughts come and let them move on.

520
00:30:52,880 --> 00:30:56,200
Speaker 2: So I'm still not one hundred percent back to normal.

521
00:30:56,600 --> 00:30:59,000
Speaker 2: I don't know, it might take a little while, but

522
00:30:59,600 --> 00:31:03,720
Speaker 2: things are looking up. And I wanted to be open

523
00:31:03,760 --> 00:31:07,240
Speaker 2: and honest with you that this is the reality of

524
00:31:07,280 --> 00:31:11,800
Speaker 2: living with mental health. It's probably or maybe your reality

525
00:31:11,840 --> 00:31:14,160
Speaker 2: as well, and we don't talk about it, and we

526
00:31:14,200 --> 00:31:16,960
Speaker 2: don't acknowledge it, and we don't see stories of it

527
00:31:17,320 --> 00:31:20,160
Speaker 2: in the media unless it's someone you know depicted as

528
00:31:20,200 --> 00:31:24,920
Speaker 2: going quote unquote crazy, unless it's someone depicted as being violent,

529
00:31:25,920 --> 00:31:30,440
Speaker 2: it's not. It's just such a simplistic view of mental health.

530
00:31:30,720 --> 00:31:34,720
Speaker 2: It also looks like me, someone who knows the system,

531
00:31:35,240 --> 00:31:38,680
Speaker 2: someone who talks about this all the time, still being

532
00:31:38,720 --> 00:31:43,440
Speaker 2: confronted with incredibly hard thoughts to manage, and not really

533
00:31:43,480 --> 00:31:45,880
Speaker 2: knowing how to get out of it, not knowing a

534
00:31:45,920 --> 00:31:49,200
Speaker 2: path forward. You are not alone. You are not alone

535
00:31:49,240 --> 00:31:55,240
Speaker 2: in that experience. I absolutely promise you. Please reach out

536
00:31:55,280 --> 00:31:59,040
Speaker 2: to anybody and everybody, reach out to those who love you,

537
00:31:59,120 --> 00:32:03,160
Speaker 2: reach out mental health services. And also if you are

538
00:32:03,240 --> 00:32:07,640
Speaker 2: someone who struggles routinely with their mental health, the best

539
00:32:07,680 --> 00:32:11,640
Speaker 2: time to get care and to get health care and

540
00:32:11,680 --> 00:32:15,160
Speaker 2: to get a therapist or a psychiatrist is actually when

541
00:32:15,200 --> 00:32:19,920
Speaker 2: you're feeling well, because you cannot predict when these waves

542
00:32:19,960 --> 00:32:23,400
Speaker 2: will crash over you. You cannot predict the cycles. You cannot

543
00:32:23,400 --> 00:32:28,920
Speaker 2: predict when you might slip and fall back into this

544
00:32:29,000 --> 00:32:32,600
Speaker 2: kind of dark space. So this is your reminder. Even

545
00:32:32,600 --> 00:32:34,160
Speaker 2: if you're listening to this right now and you're like,

546
00:32:34,200 --> 00:32:37,000
Speaker 2: I'm actually doing really, really fine, I'm not triggered at all,

547
00:32:37,040 --> 00:32:38,480
Speaker 2: but I know I have been in the past, and

548
00:32:38,520 --> 00:32:42,440
Speaker 2: I have been before. Then get help when you are healthy.

549
00:32:43,320 --> 00:32:45,959
Speaker 2: It will prepare you for times like the one I

550
00:32:46,080 --> 00:32:49,120
Speaker 2: was in where it's an emergency and you don't have

551
00:32:49,200 --> 00:32:52,440
Speaker 2: the systems in place. I know it's easier said than done,

552
00:32:52,440 --> 00:32:55,160
Speaker 2: and sometimes that's not even available to us. But if

553
00:32:55,200 --> 00:32:59,000
Speaker 2: you can, it is insurance. You cannot afford to not

554
00:32:59,040 --> 00:33:00,840
Speaker 2: look after your mental health. Well, that's something that my

555
00:33:00,960 --> 00:33:03,480
Speaker 2: mum said to me. She's like, you are someone who

556
00:33:03,480 --> 00:33:07,400
Speaker 2: cannot afford to do this. This is like having a

557
00:33:07,480 --> 00:33:10,880
Speaker 2: chronic illness. You wouldn't let your diabetes get to this point.

558
00:33:11,080 --> 00:33:13,760
Speaker 2: You wouldn't let your You know, if you were diagnosed

559
00:33:13,800 --> 00:33:17,719
Speaker 2: with cancer, you wouldn't skip your follow up appointments and

560
00:33:17,800 --> 00:33:19,440
Speaker 2: to see if the cancer come back, if you're in

561
00:33:19,520 --> 00:33:21,800
Speaker 2: remission or like, you wouldn't do that. So don't deal

562
00:33:21,840 --> 00:33:24,040
Speaker 2: it with your mental health either. It's just as valuable.

563
00:33:24,600 --> 00:33:26,560
Speaker 2: I want to thank you for I'm going to thank

564
00:33:26,600 --> 00:33:29,960
Speaker 2: you in advance for your kindness and for your respect.

565
00:33:30,880 --> 00:33:33,200
Speaker 2: I know that it's a private situation, but I hope

566
00:33:33,240 --> 00:33:35,960
Speaker 2: by making it a bit more public, people feel seen,

567
00:33:36,040 --> 00:33:39,400
Speaker 2: people feel heard, people know how to support their loved

568
00:33:39,400 --> 00:33:42,720
Speaker 2: ones and you don't feel alone, because that would have

569
00:33:42,760 --> 00:33:47,960
Speaker 2: been very, very useful for me during that time. If

570
00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:51,280
Speaker 2: you have any further questions or yeah, I would love

571
00:33:51,320 --> 00:33:54,520
Speaker 2: to hear from you at that psychology podcast you know

572
00:33:54,840 --> 00:33:58,320
Speaker 2: on Monday, we would be back to regularly scheduled programming.

573
00:33:58,320 --> 00:34:00,400
Speaker 2: We're going to talk about right person, wrong time, so

574
00:34:00,760 --> 00:34:03,080
Speaker 2: we'll be moving on. We're moving back to what we

575
00:34:03,120 --> 00:34:06,000
Speaker 2: normally talk about. Thank you for giving me this space

576
00:34:06,080 --> 00:34:08,600
Speaker 2: to just talk at you for half an hour about

577
00:34:08,800 --> 00:34:11,440
Speaker 2: my mental health. It's actually been quite therapeutic, so I

578
00:34:11,480 --> 00:34:15,040
Speaker 2: appreciate the mental load that you took on of listening.

579
00:34:16,280 --> 00:34:19,400
Speaker 2: Make sure that you are following along to hear more episodes.

580
00:34:19,440 --> 00:34:22,919
Speaker 2: And if you enjoyed this episode, maybe you didn't, maybe

581
00:34:22,920 --> 00:34:25,799
Speaker 2: it was quite dark, I apologize, but if you enjoy

582
00:34:25,840 --> 00:34:28,160
Speaker 2: the podcast in general, please leave a five star review.

583
00:34:28,440 --> 00:34:31,440
Speaker 2: I'm going to leave some links to some services in

584
00:34:31,480 --> 00:34:34,360
Speaker 2: the description. If you need them, please don't hesitate to

585
00:34:34,480 --> 00:34:36,799
Speaker 2: use them. That's what they're there for. Even if you

586
00:34:36,840 --> 00:34:40,839
Speaker 2: think that what you're going through isn't that serious, I

587
00:34:40,880 --> 00:34:44,919
Speaker 2: don't think that's for you to decide. I think that objectively,

588
00:34:45,040 --> 00:34:48,880
Speaker 2: if you're struggling. You are struggling, so those services are

589
00:34:48,880 --> 00:34:53,879
Speaker 2: there for you. Please use them. Please, please reach out

590
00:34:53,880 --> 00:34:57,400
Speaker 2: for help. Be kind to yourself, be gentle with yourself.

591
00:34:57,440 --> 00:35:00,680
Speaker 2: It's all of our first times alive, and we will

592
00:35:00,760 --> 00:35:07,399
Speaker 2: talk soon. Mm hmm