WEBVTT - RHONY's Brynn Whitfield 0:00:05.960 --> 0:00:09.320 Hello, my loves, Welcome back to the Get Them Lalla Podcast. 0:00:09.600 --> 0:00:12.840 I'm somewhat freaking the fuck out. 0:00:14.520 --> 0:00:21.759 Yes, you know you are the signature giggle laugh voice, 0:00:22.040 --> 0:00:24.640 all the things that just like made all of us 0:00:24.760 --> 0:00:28.640 fall in love with you. I have Brynn Whitfield from 0:00:29.000 --> 0:00:32.159 Real Housewives of New York. I was telling you, Grin. 0:00:32.360 --> 0:00:36.120 I am very very picky about who I. 0:00:36.040 --> 0:00:37.200 Have come on the podcast. 0:00:37.240 --> 0:00:41.159 Yea, I have the team sending me people all the 0:00:41.200 --> 0:00:44.280 livelong day. I'm like, I'm sure they're interesting to a 0:00:44.320 --> 0:00:48.920 lot of people, not to me. I've had one guest 0:00:48.960 --> 0:00:50.800 since we've done YouTube, which, by the way, we just 0:00:50.880 --> 0:00:55.120 hit ten thousand followers on YouTube. Not that not that 0:00:55.880 --> 0:00:59.200 I've had one person. I've had Stassy. So you're my 0:00:59.280 --> 0:01:01.680 second guest and I'm honored to have you all. 0:01:02.240 --> 0:01:04.240 I'm so I'm so thankful to be here. It's like 0:01:04.319 --> 0:01:06.000 she's like the cool chick in high school, like the 0:01:06.080 --> 0:01:08.160 kind of scary one you want you desperately want her 0:01:08.240 --> 0:01:10.480 to like you, Like that's you, Like I I'm the 0:01:10.520 --> 0:01:11.240 one that's honored. 0:01:11.360 --> 0:01:14.360 That's so crazy because that was not the actual reality 0:01:14.720 --> 0:01:15.960 really of me in high school. 0:01:16.200 --> 0:01:18.360 You seem like you would have been like the Regina George, 0:01:18.360 --> 0:01:20.920 like the most popular, the most beautiful, but kind of intimidating, 0:01:21.000 --> 0:01:24.000 scare scary, like girls wanted you to punch them in 0:01:24.000 --> 0:01:24.400 the face. 0:01:25.120 --> 0:01:25.680 Not at all. 0:01:25.800 --> 0:01:28.479 I was actually the theater geek who was like getting 0:01:28.520 --> 0:01:31.040 finger banged by the head of the football team. 0:01:32.160 --> 0:01:35.280 Okay, more more, and that's about it. 0:01:35.560 --> 0:01:38.440 That's that's as odd as cool as I got. 0:01:38.680 --> 0:01:43.000 Was like, oh my god, it was a finger fingerpanging. 0:01:43.040 --> 0:01:44.680 That's also the best. I was just having a conversation 0:01:44.760 --> 0:01:47.200 with this last week. That's like the best, most underrated. 0:01:47.400 --> 0:01:50.280 If they're good at it, it's the best, right, So 0:01:50.520 --> 0:01:52.200 do they have to be good at fingerbeing? I think 0:01:52.240 --> 0:01:54.640 fingerhanging is one that you don't you don't actually even 0:01:54.720 --> 0:02:01.040 like be a specialists, just like you don't shut it's 0:02:01.120 --> 0:02:04.480 not go ahead have the same as a hand job 0:02:04.560 --> 0:02:06.000 or like a handome. I feel like it's about how 0:02:06.000 --> 0:02:08.120 they like to do, and there's like a thing and 0:02:08.800 --> 0:02:11.120 whatever the same thing. I think is just more like 0:02:11.240 --> 0:02:13.079 how quantity over quality. 0:02:13.120 --> 0:02:16.799 It's like, really, oh, I totally disagree, because that could 0:02:16.919 --> 0:02:20.920 hurt If I'm fingered aggressively done, I'm passing up. 0:02:20.919 --> 0:02:23.920 There is there is if you're. 0:02:23.520 --> 0:02:29.920 Doing a good finger. It's like clittorus. They're getting around clitoris. 0:02:30.440 --> 0:02:32.080 Can I get it in a sentence? And you can 0:02:32.120 --> 0:02:36.040 be the root of the word clit taurus say it's 0:02:36.040 --> 0:02:38.520 so cute. But that's good to know. So you're just 0:02:38.720 --> 0:02:41.040 you're not You're not picky with the fingers. I'm not 0:02:41.040 --> 0:02:43.560 picky with the I mean, okay, it's it's more so 0:02:43.639 --> 0:02:45.560 like I just love the effect. You can do it anywhere, 0:02:46.040 --> 0:02:49.359 you know, that's table. That's the hottest thing. I once 0:02:49.360 --> 0:02:52.280 stated guy in Venice. He was crazy like Venice Beach 0:02:52.360 --> 0:02:56.640 are like actual cool man like Venice, nice Venus. And 0:02:56.680 --> 0:02:58.400 I remember I had on these like this cute mar 0:02:58.440 --> 0:03:00.959 Hoffman like jumpsuit. He's like, hang on one second. He 0:03:01.000 --> 0:03:03.160 goes down to his garage, comes back up with the scissors. 0:03:03.160 --> 0:03:05.360 I was like, what the fuck, Like Andy, he's really intense, 0:03:05.400 --> 0:03:07.200 but I didn't get it. Hold out the pockets and 0:03:07.240 --> 0:03:09.280 I think cut the pockets out of my jumpsuit. And 0:03:09.320 --> 0:03:11.480 I was like, this is mar Hoffman sample sale, Like 0:03:11.520 --> 0:03:14.080 this can't be created and he's like no, so I 0:03:14.080 --> 0:03:18.040 can figure you a brunch, which god at the Rose 0:03:18.120 --> 0:03:20.760 restaurant and bed and I was like that I fell 0:03:21.200 --> 0:03:24.160 I'm still in love with that guy I did. I 0:03:24.200 --> 0:03:26.560 texted him in this weekend. I'm like, hey, I'm in town, 0:03:26.919 --> 0:03:29.239 you know, and he's like, nice, hear from you. Hope 0:03:29.280 --> 0:03:30.359 I got the hope you're doing well? 0:03:30.400 --> 0:03:32.600 Text Oh like I'm married with four kids. 0:03:32.600 --> 0:03:34.920 And now they able the vibe like he's aiding someone 0:03:34.960 --> 0:03:37.720 and he's like, hey, thanks, thanks for the invite. Can't 0:03:37.760 --> 0:03:39.440 do it. I hope you're doing well. 0:03:39.640 --> 0:03:41.760 By the way, give it a few months. They all 0:03:41.800 --> 0:03:43.440 start creeping at some point. I don't want to be 0:03:43.480 --> 0:03:46.120 the person they're creeping with, but like they all start 0:03:46.200 --> 0:03:48.800 to stray all right, where he's gonna be hitting you 0:03:48.880 --> 0:03:50.880 up and you're gonna be like, I'm good, I saw 0:03:50.920 --> 0:03:51.760 you on Instagram. 0:03:51.880 --> 0:03:52.080 Hey. 0:03:52.240 --> 0:03:55.560 The second that you like, even like energetically or anything, 0:03:55.560 --> 0:03:57.920 you move on the I mean, they all just come in. Yeah, 0:03:58.600 --> 0:03:59.880 they can sense when you're happy. 0:04:00.160 --> 0:04:02.600 Yeah, what is that to your life? 0:04:03.040 --> 0:04:05.800 And then they do because then you catch me in 0:04:05.880 --> 0:04:08.640 my closet in the dark with my vibrator. 0:04:09.080 --> 0:04:11.480 Oh my god, wait have you have you used your 0:04:11.520 --> 0:04:12.400 vibrator in secret? 0:04:13.000 --> 0:04:13.480 Oh? 0:04:13.520 --> 0:04:16.080 Like, when you're with someone, in halfway with someone. 0:04:16.080 --> 0:04:18.320 I cannot creep around. 0:04:19.360 --> 0:04:21.840 So when I would see that dudes were sliding in 0:04:21.880 --> 0:04:23.720 the d M, and I knew I couldn't respond. It 0:04:23.839 --> 0:04:27.160 was so sexually frustrating that it's like, oh and then 0:04:27.279 --> 0:04:29.040 when the ring cameras went in, it was like, now 0:04:29.080 --> 0:04:30.800 I'm really fucked. Where am I supposed to do that? 0:04:31.720 --> 0:04:35.159 All of us masturbate in the privacy round class? 0:04:35.920 --> 0:04:37.960 You know? 0:04:39.080 --> 0:04:42.400 I mean, okay, So I have a couple episodes ago 0:04:42.800 --> 0:04:47.719 you spoke about swallowing and you were like, all you 0:04:47.760 --> 0:04:49.240 have to do is like gag on the day. 0:04:49.320 --> 0:04:50.680 Oh yeah, I was. 0:04:51.080 --> 0:04:54.839 The BJ's So I was talking to my mom and 0:04:54.920 --> 0:04:57.480 my best friend, where's this going? 0:04:57.880 --> 0:04:59.719 I want to know? I want to know your thoughts. 0:05:00.400 --> 0:05:04.240 So my friend asked my mom were were you? Are 0:05:04.320 --> 0:05:07.479 you a swallower? And my mom was like, no, I 0:05:07.560 --> 0:05:12.760 never swallowed. My friends told me that come has way. 0:05:11.839 --> 0:05:15.840 Too many calories. No, do you know anything about this? 0:05:16.040 --> 0:05:21.719 She cares what her fit because I like, I'm mon keto, sweetie, 0:05:21.760 --> 0:05:23.440 I can't no, no, no, I need that. 0:05:23.640 --> 0:05:23.719 No. 0:05:23.760 --> 0:05:27.320 I don't think it is calories and sodium, right, maybe 0:05:27.360 --> 0:05:29.720 a lot of sodium. I do, so does the thing 0:05:29.760 --> 0:05:30.240 I really saw. 0:05:30.440 --> 0:05:32.680 That's how I know that I like someone is if 0:05:32.720 --> 0:05:33.359 you swallow it. 0:05:33.920 --> 0:05:37.160 Yeah, I mean I used to be a freaking gangster. 0:05:37.720 --> 0:05:42.680 I used to like give the beeja swallow and then 0:05:42.880 --> 0:05:45.719 grab the bottle of vodka because naturally they would have 0:05:45.800 --> 0:05:47.360 that near my bed at this point. 0:05:47.120 --> 0:05:52.120 In time and chase it with like bottom shelf vodka. 0:05:52.240 --> 0:05:55.560 Oh my god, Yeah that's hard. I used to be 0:05:55.640 --> 0:05:56.400 a bag of fun. 0:05:56.600 --> 0:05:58.600 Now someone puts that thing near my face and I'm like, 0:05:58.720 --> 0:05:59.840 I kissed my child with. 0:05:59.839 --> 0:06:01.640 It away from me. 0:06:02.720 --> 0:06:04.520 I I had a guy heard who told me we 0:06:04.520 --> 0:06:06.240 were telling like you're sharing her stories. He was like, 0:06:06.320 --> 0:06:08.520 this is the creepiest thing ever. He's like, don't ever 0:06:08.560 --> 0:06:11.000 do this. Did a girl give him a blowjob and 0:06:11.040 --> 0:06:12.880 she's trying to be really hot and I guess she 0:06:13.080 --> 0:06:14.839 like had it in her mouth and she goes like 0:06:14.960 --> 0:06:19.599 watch this and winked and then no, gargled gargled, Yeah, 0:06:19.720 --> 0:06:22.760 gargled it and then like and he was like he 0:06:22.839 --> 0:06:24.320 just told me, He's like, no, no one should ever 0:06:24.360 --> 0:06:25.160 do that. 0:06:25.160 --> 0:06:28.000 That's disgusting, right, that's like a bad point. 0:06:28.240 --> 0:06:30.159 I wasn't thinking you have like a party trick and 0:06:30.200 --> 0:06:31.559 then it's like just false. 0:06:33.520 --> 0:06:36.360 I think it's also a teeth whitener though, so if 0:06:36.400 --> 0:06:37.600 you switch it around a bit. 0:06:37.800 --> 0:06:41.920 I feel like men made that up like a man 0:06:42.040 --> 0:06:46.080 was like a cures cancer can. It's great for your skin. 0:06:46.160 --> 0:06:48.760 It'll make it so much younger. Put it on your face. 0:06:49.000 --> 0:06:52.279 It's good for your skin. Breast milk literally heard that, yeah, 0:06:52.320 --> 0:06:54.599 heel ship Like I had a wedding one day, scrape 0:06:54.600 --> 0:06:56.320 myself and my friend's like just put some like and 0:06:56.400 --> 0:06:58.600 literally the next day it was fine. It literally cures 0:06:58.680 --> 0:07:03.520 like that's very and things and it's great for your skin. Right, yeah, 0:07:03.640 --> 0:07:06.800 not semen, see they light to us. It's always us 0:07:06.960 --> 0:07:10.000 curing answer. 0:07:10.840 --> 0:07:12.920 It's not them, No, but that is true with the 0:07:12.920 --> 0:07:15.400 breast milk because when I was pregnant with Ocean and 0:07:15.440 --> 0:07:18.160 my skin was freaking out, I would just literally just 0:07:18.200 --> 0:07:21.000 like squirt a little on my finger and put it on, 0:07:21.160 --> 0:07:22.920 and it like helped a lot. 0:07:23.960 --> 0:07:25.640 I'm gonna see if I can squeeze them. 0:07:25.480 --> 0:07:28.120 Out a little later, like have any left over because 0:07:28.200 --> 0:07:29.920 I'm suffering from a breakout. 0:07:30.320 --> 0:07:32.320 So I I have. 0:07:32.280 --> 0:07:34.640 So many questions, let's go, let's have at it. 0:07:35.040 --> 0:07:37.000 First of all, I want to know, because we were 0:07:37.000 --> 0:07:39.240 having this conversation before we started. 0:07:39.520 --> 0:07:41.520 I want to know what you're driven by. 0:07:42.160 --> 0:07:44.080 Personally me what I'm driven my life? 0:07:44.200 --> 0:07:46.920 Yeah, I mean we just learned that you were a 0:07:46.960 --> 0:07:51.800 pre med student. My mind cannot even grasp that at all. 0:07:51.880 --> 0:07:55.760 Like you throw me into the wilderness, I'm fucking surviving, right, Yeah, 0:07:56.320 --> 0:07:59.360 you throw me into a college and bitch, I'm running. 0:08:00.920 --> 0:08:02.840 I think, well, at this point or twenty twenty three, 0:08:03.000 --> 0:08:08.800 like the wilderness would be actually more useful. I I 0:08:08.840 --> 0:08:11.120 don't know. I've always just answered to myself. I think 0:08:11.160 --> 0:08:14.160 that my grandmother raised me. But she wasn't very she 0:08:14.240 --> 0:08:18.000 wasn't hands on, you know, like we've turned her, we've 0:08:18.040 --> 0:08:20.120 canonized her into a saint. I think my brother and 0:08:20.120 --> 0:08:21.880 sister and I. But she wasn't by any means perfect. 0:08:21.880 --> 0:08:24.240 Shed a lot of shortcomings and staying on top of 0:08:24.320 --> 0:08:26.040 us or if you had your homework done or anything 0:08:26.120 --> 0:08:28.840 wasn't in her repertoire. So like she sat down and 0:08:28.840 --> 0:08:31.240 taught me how to do her signature so that she 0:08:31.280 --> 0:08:33.520 didn't have to sign papers and permission slips and things 0:08:33.559 --> 0:08:36.040 like that. Oh wow, be bothered. So she went shopped 0:08:36.080 --> 0:08:38.120 our games. She'd get mad at us if we didn't, 0:08:38.200 --> 0:08:40.280 you know, hit a home run or she's very tough 0:08:40.320 --> 0:08:42.400 on us. So it was more so like I had 0:08:42.400 --> 0:08:44.920 to kind of like create rules for myself and like 0:08:44.960 --> 0:08:48.840 what my expectations were, what was and I had to 0:08:48.880 --> 0:08:51.400 do it. I don't know, like I don't know if 0:08:51.400 --> 0:08:53.120 something inspires me. More so, it's just like I just 0:08:53.120 --> 0:08:56.640 don't want to be lazy. I don't like lazy people. Okay, 0:08:56.920 --> 0:08:59.520 I don't know. I don't know what drives me, you. 0:08:59.520 --> 0:09:02.800 Know, some like I'm driven by the amount of Instagram 0:09:02.840 --> 0:09:03.560 followers I have. 0:09:03.760 --> 0:09:06.560 I'm driven by those money. I'm for those people. 0:09:07.679 --> 0:09:10.800 I think in a way, I'm driven by money. I 0:09:10.800 --> 0:09:13.240 think up until it was like up until I turned 0:09:13.240 --> 0:09:15.719 thirty and I started around company. I honestly, if you 0:09:15.760 --> 0:09:17.920 had asked me, I was like, you know, junior vice 0:09:17.960 --> 0:09:20.559 president or whatever. I was in my twenties, and had 0:09:20.600 --> 0:09:21.679 you asked me, I was always worried that I was 0:09:21.679 --> 0:09:23.520 still gonna work at McDonald's. I literally would go or 0:09:23.520 --> 0:09:25.520 see McDonald's like I could still end up there, like 0:09:25.600 --> 0:09:28.000 it was always chicken little and it's only taking me 0:09:28.080 --> 0:09:30.440 the past several years. Then now I finally don't have 0:09:30.480 --> 0:09:32.559 that feeling anymore of like I could be poor, could 0:09:33.000 --> 0:09:35.400 I might have to go back on welfare, I might 0:09:35.480 --> 0:09:37.360 have to do something like that, like that was always 0:09:37.400 --> 0:09:40.120 in me, so I was scared. But now I don't 0:09:40.120 --> 0:09:41.520 have that. I can honestly say I don't have that 0:09:41.559 --> 0:09:43.800 feeling anymore. And now it's like I've read all those 0:09:43.800 --> 0:09:46.960 books about manifestation. I've done everyone from like Abranham Hicks 0:09:47.000 --> 0:09:52.000 to Eckart totally to whatever that the Tony Robbins guy, 0:09:52.000 --> 0:09:53.800 I've done all that stuff. So now I do believe 0:09:53.880 --> 0:09:58.280 like you are your thoughts, you create everything, Like what's 0:09:58.280 --> 0:09:59.960 for you is gonna come do you? Now I subscribe 0:10:00.080 --> 0:10:01.640 to all that Venus shit. I picked it up when 0:10:01.679 --> 0:10:03.719 I lived in Venice. Yeah, So now I'm just more 0:10:03.840 --> 0:10:07.199 like it's like I'm scared of nothing, and I've had 0:10:07.240 --> 0:10:09.360 so much fucked up shit happened to me in my life. 0:10:09.559 --> 0:10:11.440 I was telling someone, I was like, I'm fucking bulletp 0:10:11.600 --> 0:10:15.679 like I'm unafraid, Like I'm literally David Goggin says this thing. 0:10:15.679 --> 0:10:17.080 He's like, when the devil goes to sleep at night, 0:10:17.160 --> 0:10:19.040 make sure he's looking under the bed for you. And 0:10:19.040 --> 0:10:20.439 that's how I live. And I'm like, no, no, the 0:10:20.480 --> 0:10:22.640 devil's scared for me because I'm like, I've take I've dined, 0:10:22.679 --> 0:10:25.040 with the devil, like I picked up the tab, you know, 0:10:25.200 --> 0:10:28.120 Like yeah, so I'm like unafraid, Like I think that's 0:10:28.200 --> 0:10:30.920 like my superpowers too. Like I'm just like I don't 0:10:30.920 --> 0:10:33.439 give a fuck. I mean I do when I care. 0:10:33.440 --> 0:10:34.640 I'm not one of these like I don't give a 0:10:34.640 --> 0:10:37.120 fuck bitches. But I'm like there's something in me where 0:10:38.559 --> 0:10:41.480 it's confidence, but I can be I don't have confidence 0:10:41.520 --> 0:10:44.240 all the time, you know, Like I don't know, it's 0:10:44.240 --> 0:10:45.880 just this thing where like I'm not I think is 0:10:46.080 --> 0:10:47.839 the worst things in life that could have happened to 0:10:47.840 --> 0:10:50.040 a child or a woman. And like there's ten percent 0:10:50.080 --> 0:10:51.400 of my life I've shared on the show to date. 0:10:51.440 --> 0:10:54.120 Everyone's like, oh my god, your story. I'm not giving 0:10:54.720 --> 0:10:57.319 other people my full story. That's my story and I'm 0:10:57.360 --> 0:10:59.720 going to share it over time. But I've only shared 0:10:59.720 --> 0:11:01.000 ten percent. I know what's happened in my life. I've 0:11:01.000 --> 0:11:02.200 been the most fucked up shit happen. 0:11:02.280 --> 0:11:03.400 I have chills right now. 0:11:03.679 --> 0:11:05.840 I love. I feel like that's the way too. Even 0:11:05.960 --> 0:11:07.520 like how we've known each other, I've always picked up 0:11:07.520 --> 0:11:09.640 that from you, like you've like been through shit too, 0:11:10.160 --> 0:11:12.520 Like I don't know, I just feel always like you're 0:11:12.600 --> 0:11:15.000 kind of the same, Like, I don't know, I've just 0:11:15.000 --> 0:11:16.160 felt that connection noice to you. 0:11:16.440 --> 0:11:20.400 I can't imagine, though, with what you went through because 0:11:20.520 --> 0:11:23.320 I had the luxury of growing up and so did Easton, 0:11:24.120 --> 0:11:28.680 of two phenomenal parents who loved each other, who there 0:11:28.800 --> 0:11:32.080 was never any pressure. Whatever we wanted to do in life, 0:11:32.120 --> 0:11:34.520 we could achieve. And if we didn't go to college, 0:11:34.559 --> 0:11:37.440 no big deal. If we didn't make a lot of money, 0:11:37.440 --> 0:11:40.400 no big deal. Like they just wanted to see us 0:11:40.760 --> 0:11:43.960 happy and healthy, right, So we did have that luxury 0:11:43.960 --> 0:11:48.559 that not everybody has. There are things that have obviously 0:11:48.640 --> 0:11:51.360 happened in my life that have shaped me and I 0:11:51.559 --> 0:11:55.640 personally have said, you know, I'm bulletproof, like you cannot 0:11:55.679 --> 0:11:58.640 take me out if this didn't take me out nothing. 0:11:58.679 --> 0:12:02.520 Well, yeah, And as we talk about that, is it 0:12:02.559 --> 0:12:06.480 the experience or does that come with age? 0:12:07.120 --> 0:12:09.920 I think it's getting both. I read somewhere the answers 0:12:09.920 --> 0:12:11.720 always both for a good question. 0:12:11.840 --> 0:12:13.240 I like that. I love the great. 0:12:13.200 --> 0:12:14.880 Yeah, yeah, it's always like I think it's a little 0:12:14.880 --> 0:12:18.120 bit of both. Definitely with age. I thought I was 0:12:18.280 --> 0:12:20.439 I was confident. I thought I knew everything in my twenties. 0:12:20.480 --> 0:12:22.240 Now in my thirties. It's just crazy, whether it be 0:12:22.320 --> 0:12:25.400 life or my own self confidence or high and with men. 0:12:25.480 --> 0:12:28.520 I'm like, I just I was so like now like 0:12:28.559 --> 0:12:31.000 I love like the each age I get older, I'm 0:12:31.000 --> 0:12:33.760 like less dumb and I feel better about myself and 0:12:33.800 --> 0:12:35.520 I'm like, oh, this is easier, and shit kind of 0:12:35.559 --> 0:12:38.720 goes into perspective. But I think it's also it's not 0:12:38.800 --> 0:12:41.800 the experience. I think it's just getting through having the 0:12:41.840 --> 0:12:44.960 experience and then not like dying or failing, you know, 0:12:45.120 --> 0:12:46.920 or even to times when you felt and like I'd 0:12:46.920 --> 0:12:48.960 feel like I wanted to do that, Like I think 0:12:49.000 --> 0:12:51.800 getting through it and saying we like, for example, if 0:12:51.800 --> 0:12:54.000 it's like a breakup, or if it's something you know, 0:12:54.120 --> 0:12:56.320 anything or family or death or something and you're like 0:12:57.400 --> 0:12:59.360 you were scared of that thing happening, or like, oh 0:12:59.400 --> 0:13:01.439 we always say we had if a plane goes down 0:13:01.440 --> 0:13:03.120 with all my family and I won't be able to 0:13:03.160 --> 0:13:05.280 live right. And I've said this too. I love my 0:13:05.320 --> 0:13:06.880 brother so much, and I remember one time I was 0:13:07.120 --> 0:13:09.080 talking to him just thinking about I was like, well, 0:13:09.120 --> 0:13:11.280 if you and my sister and grandma, if you guys 0:13:11.280 --> 0:13:13.880 all died, I'd kill myself too. I can't live after that, 0:13:13.920 --> 0:13:16.920 He goes, No, you you'd be sad for about a year, 0:13:17.320 --> 0:13:19.120 but then you move on because you have to. And 0:13:19.120 --> 0:13:21.520 now I feel that way, like I don't know, I 0:13:21.520 --> 0:13:21.800 don't know. 0:13:21.880 --> 0:13:24.920 I'm so like on your page. It's so crazy because 0:13:25.000 --> 0:13:28.480 as you're talking, I it's when my dad passed. I 0:13:28.520 --> 0:13:30.760 as a child used to lay in bed and this 0:13:30.880 --> 0:13:32.040 is not normal for a child. 0:13:32.040 --> 0:13:34.760 And I would like and imagine and imagine how sad 0:13:34.800 --> 0:13:36.640 you'd be, right, Yes, yeah, I did that too. 0:13:36.920 --> 0:13:41.200 Yes, And listen to Celine Dion some song about like 0:13:41.280 --> 0:13:42.720 saying goodbye when your mom died. 0:13:42.920 --> 0:13:44.920 Saw me, I was like an elementary. 0:13:44.400 --> 0:13:47.520 S I listened to the way and I know you're 0:13:47.640 --> 0:13:50.480 shining down And I would lay and think about my 0:13:50.520 --> 0:13:52.280 grandmother dying because I loved her so much. 0:13:52.400 --> 0:13:53.640 And you're like, how will I function? 0:13:53.960 --> 0:13:56.080 And sometimes I think that it's been two years and look, 0:13:56.160 --> 0:13:57.520 she was eighty two and it was fucked up. What 0:13:57.600 --> 0:14:00.760 happened with my family and stuff with her. They cremated 0:14:00.760 --> 0:14:02.720 her against her last wishes, and then. 0:14:02.679 --> 0:14:04.000 No, God is devastating. 0:14:04.160 --> 0:14:06.760 She's in a storage unit, like a storage it's used 0:14:06.800 --> 0:14:09.079 to barrier. It's fucked up. That's a whole nother that's 0:14:09.120 --> 0:14:12.160 a whole nother thing. But that's that's my family. But 0:14:12.320 --> 0:14:14.480 like I would, I was always so scared my whole 0:14:14.480 --> 0:14:16.079 life about she's gonna die, She's gonna die, and I 0:14:16.120 --> 0:14:18.360 would like premeditate. I did with my dog too. I 0:14:18.400 --> 0:14:21.080 was like so sad before it happened. And I think 0:14:21.120 --> 0:14:24.520 sometimes the reason why I'm still like having trouble, like 0:14:24.600 --> 0:14:26.680 you know, speaking sometimes about her, and like a lot 0:14:26.720 --> 0:14:28.680 on camera too. For some reason, the camera's fucked with 0:14:28.680 --> 0:14:30.760 me and having to say things on camera, having to 0:14:30.800 --> 0:14:34.120 say my grandmother's dead. I would start like just bawling, crying. Yeah, 0:14:34.120 --> 0:14:37.720 I made it real. I think in my self preservation way, 0:14:37.760 --> 0:14:39.120 I just go about it and I tell my story, 0:14:39.120 --> 0:14:40.720 and I'm a publicist and I can narrate things that 0:14:40.720 --> 0:14:42.480 I can speak. But then all of a sudden, it 0:14:42.560 --> 0:14:44.600 was like in the Confessionals and like still tells about 0:14:44.600 --> 0:14:46.200 MEMI and I would just like start shaking. I was 0:14:46.200 --> 0:14:48.080 like get away, Like I was like, fuck off, I'm 0:14:48.120 --> 0:14:49.680 not talking about it. And we had to keep doing 0:14:49.680 --> 0:14:51.960 confessionals and confessionals and they would wait the questions at 0:14:52.000 --> 0:14:54.040 the end, and then finally I'd be like take like 0:14:54.080 --> 0:14:55.640 three shots I come, only you go you have five 0:14:55.640 --> 0:14:57.880 fucking minutes, and I'm like, and it's so crazy because 0:14:57.880 --> 0:15:00.600 they're all weirded out because it's me for like like 0:15:01.680 --> 0:15:03.840 and then I like abe, and then I was just like, 0:15:03.920 --> 0:15:06.000 go answer the quote you have five minutes. 0:15:05.760 --> 0:15:07.880 Like you'd make it of you. 0:15:08.000 --> 0:15:10.040 Yeah, and everyone's and then then then they're like get 0:15:10.040 --> 0:15:11.240 her out of here, like is it? And then I 0:15:11.240 --> 0:15:13.000 would just be like dark for two days, like it 0:15:13.040 --> 0:15:16.080 was just very but but yeah, but I would do 0:15:16.080 --> 0:15:17.440 the same thing. You just ad as a cave. And 0:15:17.480 --> 0:15:19.280 I think that's one of the reasons why I think 0:15:19.320 --> 0:15:21.480 it's like not glorifying of it. What's it called when 0:15:21.480 --> 0:15:23.920 you keep you build it up so much in your 0:15:24.080 --> 0:15:25.680 in your head. Like I'm not saying we're not as 0:15:25.720 --> 0:15:27.960 sad as we are about parents dying. 0:15:27.800 --> 0:15:29.800 No, but you do find a way to move on, 0:15:30.080 --> 0:15:32.240 Can I ask you? Do you believe in God or 0:15:32.240 --> 0:15:32.960 a higher power? 0:15:33.120 --> 0:15:35.960 Yes? Yeah. I grew very, very Catholic, but I've dabbled 0:15:36.000 --> 0:15:37.640 in and I've fallen in love with a lot of 0:15:37.640 --> 0:15:40.600 different religions. Okay a little. I've dabbled a little bit 0:15:40.640 --> 0:15:44.760 of Islam. I've tried to convert three times to Judaism. Wow, Yeah, 0:15:44.880 --> 0:15:46.800 I love religion. I think it's beautiful. I think everyone's 0:15:46.840 --> 0:15:49.600 an idiot because we're all actually praying to the same shit, right, 0:15:49.640 --> 0:15:51.280 and it's all the same. But then there's like we're 0:15:51.320 --> 0:15:53.960 all fighting over it, but it's all the beautiful parts 0:15:54.000 --> 0:15:56.000 of it. We're all wanting the same thing. 0:15:56.280 --> 0:15:58.320 I feel the exact same way Easton and I grew 0:15:58.360 --> 0:16:02.600 up in Utah, so religion and scares me. Spirituality and 0:16:02.680 --> 0:16:06.200 like the talks of God or a higher power it 0:16:06.200 --> 0:16:08.680 felt very forced to where it kind of turned me off. 0:16:09.320 --> 0:16:14.840 But I also think that leaning into that when you 0:16:15.560 --> 0:16:19.360 actually do experience loss instead of it just being something 0:16:19.560 --> 0:16:23.440 you're imagining, like when this happens, I'm done, let's call 0:16:23.480 --> 0:16:27.480 it a day, it happens, and then for me, God 0:16:27.560 --> 0:16:31.120 has a very strange way of helping you compartmentalize. And 0:16:31.160 --> 0:16:34.160 if you I'm not saying everyone is like this, just personally. 0:16:34.560 --> 0:16:37.480 If I can lean into that, there is a way 0:16:37.520 --> 0:16:40.960 where I can remember, you know, my dad, the way 0:16:40.960 --> 0:16:43.000 he deserves to be remembered, and I can move on 0:16:43.080 --> 0:16:46.720 with my life yet still have the most vivid like 0:16:46.800 --> 0:16:49.480 I remember every wrinkle, I remember the way his hands 0:16:49.480 --> 0:16:51.960 look the way his hug feels, and I can. 0:16:51.880 --> 0:16:56.400 Write it, write it down, Oh girl, I did. Yeah. Yeah, 0:16:56.440 --> 0:16:58.440 when they come up little things, keep writing. 0:16:58.280 --> 0:17:01.480 And he's saying, yeah, yeah, all of that stuff. 0:17:01.120 --> 0:17:03.720 Things because you start to, like so many memories I've 0:17:03.760 --> 0:17:05.520 come up over the past two years, little things about 0:17:05.520 --> 0:17:08.320 her house or her hands or how she would touch something. 0:17:08.359 --> 0:17:11.200 And I was like, why where did this memory come from? 0:17:11.200 --> 0:17:11.280 It? 0:17:11.359 --> 0:17:12.960 And I don't know where it came from, but I 0:17:13.000 --> 0:17:14.640 want to I just so therefore, I don't know where 0:17:14.640 --> 0:17:15.879 it's going to go, so I want to keep it. 0:17:15.880 --> 0:17:17.600 So I always write, write them down now, and I 0:17:17.640 --> 0:17:19.560 have like this long list of just the things she 0:17:19.640 --> 0:17:21.240 used to do, how she used to snore, how she 0:17:21.320 --> 0:17:22.960 used to live, all these little things. 0:17:23.040 --> 0:17:25.640 Yeah, I love that you do that your I love 0:17:25.680 --> 0:17:28.600 that you call your grandma Mimi, because that was our grandma. 0:17:28.640 --> 0:17:31.960 Her name was Mimi. Really, yes, And oh my god. 0:17:32.000 --> 0:17:34.360 It's so cute and just when you talk about her 0:17:34.440 --> 0:17:36.000