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Speaker 1: M. Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcasts, a

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Speaker 1: weekly discussion about all things mental health, personal development, and

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Speaker 1: all the small decisions we can make to become the

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Speaker 1: best possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr joy

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Speaker 1: hard and Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. To

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Speaker 1: get more information and resources, visit the website at Therapy

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Speaker 1: for Black Girls dot com. And while I hope you

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Speaker 1: love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is

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Speaker 1: not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with

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Speaker 1: a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, we have made it.

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Speaker 1: It's been one year since we started on this journey

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Speaker 1: known as the Therapy for Black Girl those podcasts, and

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Speaker 1: I am so so thankful to each of you for

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Speaker 1: your support, for sharing the podcast with your friends and family,

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Speaker 1: and for all the messages you sent letting me know

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Speaker 1: how the podcast has impacted you. This has been an

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Speaker 1: incredible ride to think that a year ago I was

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Speaker 1: nervous and unsure about how the project would be received,

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Speaker 1: and now I'm sitting back reflecting on all the amazing

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Speaker 1: doors that have been opened and the idea that I've

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Speaker 1: been able to connect to so many of you through

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Speaker 1: this platform is really just all inspiring. I am again

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Speaker 1: so thankful and to give back just a small portion

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Speaker 1: of the love you've shown me, I want to invite

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Speaker 1: you to participate in my very first giveaway. If you

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Speaker 1: listen to my three for Thursday video from a couple

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Speaker 1: of weeks ago, you know I shared three books that

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Speaker 1: every sister needs in her collection. I called them the

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Speaker 1: getting your Life Together starter Kit. The books were Boundaries

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Speaker 1: by Dr Henry Cloud, The Gifts of Imperfection by Dr

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Speaker 1: Burnet Brown, and Self Compassion by Dr Kristin Neff. You've

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Speaker 1: likely heard guests on the podcast mentioned all of these books.

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Speaker 1: Two lucky winners will receive their choice of either a

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Speaker 1: hard copy or a kindle version of each of the

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Speaker 1: three books, and they will also get the very first

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Speaker 1: Therapy for Black Girls T shirts that will be dropping

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Speaker 1: very very soon. To get all of the details about

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Speaker 1: how to enter the giveaway, head on over to Therapy

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Speaker 1: for Black Girls dot com slash giveaway. And now, those

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Speaker 1: of you who know me in real life, I know

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Speaker 1: that my little Louisiana Hart beats incredibly strong for a

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Speaker 1: bounce track, So you know that nice for what has

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Speaker 1: been playing a ridiculous amount of times in my truck

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Speaker 1: in the past couple of days. And not only do

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Speaker 1: I think that this is a strong contender for a

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Speaker 1: song of the Summer, it's also just a great feel

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Speaker 1: good track. Drake's words also inspired me to think deeper

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Speaker 1: into the question nice for what, Who is served by

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Speaker 1: our niceness? And why are so many of us invested

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Speaker 1: in it? Of course, I think that much of it

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Speaker 1: is related to societal expectations, you know, the old saying

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Speaker 1: girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice.

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Speaker 1: And some of it is historical, as niceness definitely served

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Speaker 1: as survival mechanisms for our ancestors. But how much of

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Speaker 1: niceness is actually tied to our individual difficulties with being assertive,

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Speaker 1: using our voice and taking up space. To answer this question,

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Speaker 1: you'll likely need to take a deep dive into some

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Speaker 1: childhood stuff, which is one of my favorite races to dig.

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Speaker 1: What were you taught about using your voice as a child.

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Speaker 1: If you're like me, then it wasn't uncommon for you

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Speaker 1: to hear things like little girls should be seen and

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Speaker 1: not heard, and given messages like this, It's quite logical

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Speaker 1: that many of us might grow up feeling like our

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Speaker 1: opinions don't matter and maybe aren't even valid. You also

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Speaker 1: want to consider what was your relationship like with your

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Speaker 1: parents or other caregivers as a child. Were you treated

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Speaker 1: in a way that made you feel like you were

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Speaker 1: only lovable if you behaved a certain type of way,

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Speaker 1: or if you were only one type of person? In

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Speaker 1: many ways, any behavior that we've held onto for some

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Speaker 1: time probably served a purpose at one point. Our job

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Speaker 1: is to figure out whether it still serves a purpose. So, yes,

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Speaker 1: niceness may have been important and necessary as a child,

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Speaker 1: but how is it working for you now? And I

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Speaker 1: do want to make sure that you understand what I'm

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Speaker 1: saying here. I don't think there's anything wrong with being kind.

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Speaker 1: Kindness to me means being respectful and showing common courtesy.

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Speaker 1: It's great to be kind, and it's also fine to

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Speaker 1: be nice if the niceness doesn't come at your own expense.

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Speaker 1: Are you somebody who struggles with this? Here are some

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Speaker 1: ways that you will know if this need for niceness

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Speaker 1: is showing up in your life. Do you have trouble

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Speaker 1: voicing your needs and wants in relationships of all kinds?

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Speaker 1: Have trouble doing things like asking your boss for that

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Speaker 1: promotion even though you have solid documentation indicating the value

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Speaker 1: you bring to the company. Do you have difficulty asking

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Speaker 1: your professor to look at that essay again because you

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Speaker 1: know that you made some very solid points. Do you

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Speaker 1: have trouble asking for the correct order even when you

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Speaker 1: know you said chicken and the server brought out fish?

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Speaker 1: Or what about this? You struggle because you are going

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Speaker 1: with your friend to sip and paint for the third

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Speaker 1: time this month, even though all you really want to

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Speaker 1: do is be home in your pj's watching Netflix. While

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Speaker 1: some of these examples may seem trivial, and they may

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Speaker 1: be in some cases, the cumulative effect of being too

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Speaker 1: invested in niceness can be detrimental because when we struggle

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Speaker 1: with assertiveness or setting boundaries, it usually doesn't just show

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Speaker 1: up in one area of our lives. It shows up

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Speaker 1: in multiple areas. So when we don't said boundaries are

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Speaker 1: communicate assertively, the only one that usually ends up getting

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Speaker 1: the short into the stick is us. So what can

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Speaker 1: we do about this need for niceness? Or three tips?

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Speaker 1: One get comfortable with the idea that those invested in

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Speaker 1: your niceness may be put off by you divesting in it.

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Speaker 1: If you're someone who has a real need to be liked,

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Speaker 1: this will likely be very difficult for you. Learn to

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Speaker 1: sit with and lean into the discomfort as opposed to

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Speaker 1: giving into it. What do you feel immediately when you

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Speaker 1: feel like you're disappointing someone, are not being nice? Do

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Speaker 1: you feel it somewhere in your body? You get stomach aches, headaches,

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Speaker 1: maybe some tension in your neck? Do you experience shame?

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Speaker 1: Getting in touch with what your reaction is can help

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Speaker 1: you explore more of what it's about and how you

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Speaker 1: can manage it. Tip two, Write it out? What are

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Speaker 1: you so afraid will happen if you're perceived as not

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Speaker 1: being nice? So let's say you do tell your friend

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Speaker 1: that you don't want to go to sip and paint

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Speaker 1: this week? What will happen? And if this is an

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Speaker 1: issue for you, I actually want you to take pen

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Speaker 1: to paper and write out these scenarios. So what will

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Speaker 1: happen if you don't go to sip and paint this week?

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Speaker 1: She might go with someone else? And then what and

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Speaker 1: then this other person and her will get close, and

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Speaker 1: then what she'll begin to like this other person more? Okay?

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Speaker 1: And then what she won't want to hang out with

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Speaker 1: me anymore? Ding ding ding. Now we've got into what

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Speaker 1: the fear really is. It's about you feeling like you'll

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Speaker 1: be left behind, are not valuable anymore. That's where the

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Speaker 1: work is. Talking to a therapist about this piece would

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Speaker 1: likely yield some incredible growth for you. And tip number

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Speaker 1: three start small. So may be you don't give up

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Speaker 1: your niceness immediately by going to your boss tomorrow and

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Speaker 1: asking for a raise. But could you start by saying

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Speaker 1: that you want Pizza Hut instead of Papa John's on

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Speaker 1: Friday night? What are the little ways that you can

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Speaker 1: begin to be more assertive and start to be less

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Speaker 1: concerned with being nice. I'd love to hear how others

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Speaker 1: of you have gotten over the need to be nice

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Speaker 1: or whether you feel like this is something that you're

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Speaker 1: still struggling with. Share your thoughts with us on social

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Speaker 1: media by using the hashtag TBG in session and make

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Speaker 1: sure to tag the accounts. You can find us on

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Speaker 1: Twitter at Therapy for the Number four be Girls, and

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Speaker 1: you can find us on Instagram and Facebook at Therapy

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Speaker 1: for Black Girls. If you'd like to continue the conversation

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Speaker 1: started here on the podcast, make sure to join us

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Speaker 1: over in the Facebook community at Therapy for Black Girls

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Speaker 1: dot com slash tribe, and if you're looking for a

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Speaker 1: therapist in your area, be sure to check out the

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Speaker 1: therapist directory at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash directory.

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Speaker 1: I want to thank you all again for rocking with

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Speaker 1: me for a year in this podcast. Make sure to

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Speaker 1: check out the details about the giveaway at Therapy for

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Speaker 1: Black Girls dot com slash Giveaway. I'll be chatting with

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Speaker 1: you all again real soon. Take your care, m