WEBVTT - Men, Mojo, and Boris Kodjoe 0:00:01.000 --> 0:00:04.440 This is how men think with Brooks Like and Gavin 0:00:04.480 --> 0:00:08.840 de Gros and I heard radio podcast. Welcome to the show. 0:00:08.880 --> 0:00:11.320 My name is Brooks Like, this is how man think. 0:00:11.560 --> 0:00:14.640 And this man to my left in his nice flannel 0:00:14.720 --> 0:00:21.239 fall sweater, Mr Gavin de Gras, I'm cuddly today. I'm guy. 0:00:21.480 --> 0:00:24.239 But you've got you've got camel pants on, which also 0:00:24.280 --> 0:00:26.599 means I'm awarded. Don't hold me too, because it means 0:00:26.600 --> 0:00:31.560 that he's single. He's got bright red with camel kids. 0:00:31.840 --> 0:00:35.919 Your wife will hinder you from leaving the house with 0:00:35.960 --> 0:00:38.760 flannel shirts and cargo pants and the same. It's true. 0:00:39.040 --> 0:00:42.400 I'm sure you're right that that's so true, because um 0:00:42.600 --> 0:00:44.960 my wife when she met me, she goes, nobody wants 0:00:45.000 --> 0:00:47.240 to read your T shirt And so now you look 0:00:47.240 --> 0:00:51.080 at me, Oh, you're wearing a blank one. My T 0:00:51.200 --> 0:00:54.520 shirts are almost blank t shirts. Yeah, that's funny because 0:00:54.520 --> 0:00:59.600 I almost flip flops. My dad does that. So that 0:00:59.800 --> 0:01:03.880 that deep, deep Roman voice you're hearing is a guest 0:01:03.920 --> 0:01:07.200 co host we have too. Yeah, have you want to introduce? 0:01:07.240 --> 0:01:08.920 You want me to introduce? I want you to introduce. 0:01:09.280 --> 0:01:13.200 This is your special So we have Boris Kojoe with 0:01:13.280 --> 0:01:17.400 us in the house to celebrate an actor. Family man. 0:01:17.400 --> 0:01:20.160 We're gonna get more into your story and we have 0:01:20.280 --> 0:01:25.560 Eve Rod Sky in the house with us celebrated. We're 0:01:25.760 --> 0:01:30.960 diving into a dynamite. Are all fighting? Three minutes ago 0:01:31.040 --> 0:01:34.480 before we went on, Literally there was Forest and I 0:01:34.720 --> 0:01:36.679 were fighting so much that he called his wife and 0:01:36.720 --> 0:01:41.240 I took her side. Amy is super fried out about 0:01:41.280 --> 0:01:44.560 this podcast is all about and I can't wait to 0:01:44.600 --> 0:01:47.440 hear you guys talk about it. I can't wait to 0:01:47.480 --> 0:01:51.880 hear what she's all about. So, Eve, you have a 0:01:51.880 --> 0:01:54.840 new book. It's called fair Play, and it's a game 0:01:54.920 --> 0:01:57.160 changing solution for when you have too much to do 0:01:57.480 --> 0:02:00.200 and more life to live. And it's out now. So 0:02:00.280 --> 0:02:03.080 let's talk about this book. Your goal with this book 0:02:03.200 --> 0:02:06.640 and you said before it was your gift. Yeah, so 0:02:07.240 --> 0:02:09.320 my goals is to get men to do more in 0:02:09.400 --> 0:02:13.280 the home. Yeah, that's my goal. Um. But actually, so 0:02:13.320 --> 0:02:15.280 I wrote fair Play as a love letter to women, 0:02:15.960 --> 0:02:18.079 and I'll talk about sort of how this started. Started 0:02:18.080 --> 0:02:20.720 with a text my husband sent me where I was 0:02:20.760 --> 0:02:22.120 sobbing on the side of the road. So we'll get 0:02:22.120 --> 0:02:29.679 to that. But but sorry, but I'll just really quick, 0:02:30.120 --> 0:02:32.880 but really with this book, fair Play became my love 0:02:32.919 --> 0:02:36.080 letter to men because I interviewed five men and women 0:02:36.200 --> 0:02:39.160 for this book. Um from that mirror the U. S 0:02:39.120 --> 0:02:43.000 Census in terms of ethnicity and social socio economic status, 0:02:43.600 --> 0:02:45.720 and I learned a lot. I learned a lot for men, 0:02:46.520 --> 0:02:48.400 and I learned that you're being locked out of your 0:02:48.400 --> 0:02:51.640 house is over glue sticks and other things like that. 0:02:51.680 --> 0:02:52.920 So I can't wait to get into it, but I 0:02:52.960 --> 0:02:56.680 will tell you quickly about that fateful text that was 0:02:56.720 --> 0:02:59.960 sent to me seven years ago where I was pulled 0:03:00.040 --> 0:03:02.040 over the side of the road sobbing, and the text 0:03:02.080 --> 0:03:04.680 my husband sent me, Seth, his name is Seth, just 0:03:04.720 --> 0:03:08.960 said I'm surprised you didn't get blueberries. And so I'll 0:03:09.000 --> 0:03:12.919 just picture the picture the seat. I have a breast 0:03:13.000 --> 0:03:16.640 pump and a diaper bag on the passenger seat. I 0:03:16.680 --> 0:03:22.639 have buddy returns for a new baby, because you know 0:03:22.680 --> 0:03:25.600 the story policies like two days in the back seat. 0:03:25.880 --> 0:03:28.200 I'm a lawyer. I'm a Harvard Training attorney. I have 0:03:28.400 --> 0:03:31.280 a client contract on my lap with a pen that's 0:03:31.320 --> 0:03:33.280 falling between my legs as I'm trying to mark up 0:03:33.280 --> 0:03:36.640 a client contract in between traffic stops trying to pick 0:03:36.720 --> 0:03:38.920 up my first kid, who was three years old from 0:03:38.960 --> 0:03:42.240 his transition preschool program that in America, because we really 0:03:42.280 --> 0:03:46.600 value working parents last literally like five minutes. And so 0:03:46.760 --> 0:03:50.000 as I'm raising to get in, Yeah, I knew I 0:03:50.040 --> 0:03:51.760 was gonna be late to pick up Zach, but I 0:03:51.800 --> 0:03:55.200 get this. I'm surprised you to get blueberry sex and 0:03:55.280 --> 0:03:58.440 I just no. But you know what I was thinking. 0:03:58.480 --> 0:04:00.040 I was thinking if my marriage was going to and 0:04:00.160 --> 0:04:02.000 it should be over something way more dramatic, like my 0:04:02.000 --> 0:04:04.600 affair with an NFL player, Like that's what was going 0:04:04.640 --> 0:04:07.200 to happen to me. I thought, that's that's how my 0:04:07.240 --> 0:04:10.240 marriage would end, right, like some really dramatic, cool fight 0:04:10.320 --> 0:04:13.840 in the Caribbean or this awesome affair. But instead it's 0:04:13.840 --> 0:04:18.680 over offseason blueberries. And that marriage actually did end. No, 0:04:18.800 --> 0:04:23.120 it survived. It survives question, And because I'm just getting 0:04:23.120 --> 0:04:26.600 the context of this, Yeah, did he know all of 0:04:26.640 --> 0:04:29.240 that that you had going on at that moment? Was 0:04:29.279 --> 0:04:31.840 he like, oh, my wife, is this, this, this, this, this, 0:04:32.320 --> 0:04:34.440 And I still choose to send this to the father 0:04:34.560 --> 0:04:36.279 of your child. He is, but you know, I know 0:04:36.320 --> 0:04:38.240 about the breast pumps and the baby, and he did 0:04:38.360 --> 0:04:40.880 know about that. But I will say that from a 0:04:40.880 --> 0:04:45.039 woman's perspective, right, I'm thinking, I'm so overwhelmed. I can't 0:04:45.040 --> 0:04:46.560 even manage a grocery list, and I used to be 0:04:46.600 --> 0:04:50.200 able to manage an employee team. Um, and slowly my 0:04:50.240 --> 0:04:53.120 career is sort of fading away from me after my 0:04:53.160 --> 0:04:57.520 second son. And more importantly, I'm so overwhelmed from literally 0:04:57.560 --> 0:04:59.960 all this. What I what I found out is called 0:05:00.000 --> 0:05:03.599 a second shift for women, the mental load invisible work. 0:05:04.520 --> 0:05:07.400 Um that I couldn't even at that point communicated to him. 0:05:07.400 --> 0:05:08.840 And I think, Brooks, what you just said is so 0:05:08.880 --> 0:05:12.840 important because he didn't know what was happening to me, 0:05:13.440 --> 0:05:16.080 and I didn't even know what was happening to me. Literally, 0:05:16.080 --> 0:05:17.839 I had no idea what was happening to me except 0:05:17.880 --> 0:05:19.880 for that I knew my marriage and be ending over 0:05:19.920 --> 0:05:22.919 offseason blueberries. I just can't believe you could forget blueberries? 0:05:23.400 --> 0:05:31.120 Right then? The organic ones, what's the problem? They come 0:05:31.160 --> 0:05:35.880 on your pancakes from rooms, you know. Apparently I became 0:05:35.880 --> 0:05:38.360 the fulfiller of my husbands smoothie needs, right. I mean 0:05:38.440 --> 0:05:42.640 that that that's that's what you become watching ESPN with 0:05:42.760 --> 0:05:45.840 socks and pretty much pretty much well, you know, men, 0:05:45.920 --> 0:05:48.479 men statistically have twice as much leisure time as women 0:05:48.960 --> 0:05:53.080 after kids. After kids, Um, they do five to fifteen 0:05:53.520 --> 0:05:58.160 five to fifteen hours a week less after kids come along. Um. 0:05:58.200 --> 0:06:00.640 But again back to my love letter a man. What 0:06:00.760 --> 0:06:04.120 I found out when I went on this quest after 0:06:04.160 --> 0:06:07.640 the blueberries fateful day seven years ago was not only 0:06:07.720 --> 0:06:11.279 that this phenomena has a name, second shift, mental load, 0:06:11.320 --> 0:06:14.160 all these emotional labor things that women talk about. There's 0:06:14.160 --> 0:06:17.640 three articles alone on this issue. But my favorite was 0:06:17.680 --> 0:06:20.240 this idea of invisible work because of what Brooks you 0:06:20.320 --> 0:06:23.800 were just saying, how can you value? How can you 0:06:23.839 --> 0:06:29.120 men value what I'm doing if it's invisible? And so 0:06:29.200 --> 0:06:30.840 I went on a quest. I went on a quest 0:06:30.880 --> 0:06:33.760 to make everything visible that I've ever done for my 0:06:33.839 --> 0:06:36.840 family and my husband. That took more than two minutes. 0:06:37.720 --> 0:06:39.240 And I don't know if you know Excel, if you 0:06:39.240 --> 0:06:44.240 ever work with Excel, but I write I did write 0:06:44.240 --> 0:06:45.839 things in my hands too, That's what I mean. But 0:06:47.120 --> 0:06:49.000 I do write things in my hands. I love. That's 0:06:49.000 --> 0:06:54.359 a very nineteen eighties or nineteen nineties way of studying. Ninth. 0:06:54.480 --> 0:06:58.159 So basically, this Excel spreadsheet I I created from seth 0:06:58.560 --> 0:07:00.880 after that day that was crowd source from women all 0:07:00.920 --> 0:07:03.360 over the country who didn't even know me turned into 0:07:03.920 --> 0:07:08.080 tabs and I in about twenty sub tabs over a 0:07:08.120 --> 0:07:12.200 thousand items of invisible work, and I titled the Okay, 0:07:13.000 --> 0:07:15.320 well women, women I didn't even know, we're calling me. 0:07:15.360 --> 0:07:17.920 They were getting this Excel sheet from friends of friends, 0:07:17.960 --> 0:07:19.320 and they would say things to me like, well, you 0:07:19.360 --> 0:07:22.560 didn't you forgot applying, You forgot applying sunscreen. You forgot 0:07:22.640 --> 0:07:25.000 raspberries right right, You forgot buying the blueberries that was 0:07:25.000 --> 0:07:27.800 in their groceries was easy, but you forgot applying sunscreen. 0:07:28.240 --> 0:07:29.800 And so I'd say, well, no, you just don't how 0:07:29.840 --> 0:07:32.400 to know how to use Excel. Just have to scroll right. 0:07:32.440 --> 0:07:35.600 It's under tab ninety two under medical and healthy living 0:07:38.040 --> 0:07:42.200 well some have zero, some have zero. So I mean, 0:07:42.440 --> 0:07:45.080 then you have to blame the wife. If you're getting 0:07:45.080 --> 0:07:48.040 married to somebody who's zero in so many different ways, 0:07:48.360 --> 0:07:50.760 then that's your fault. Because the problem is that women 0:07:50.800 --> 0:07:52.920 fall in love with the potential. They never they never 0:07:53.040 --> 0:07:55.480 just say oh I love you, who you who you're 0:07:55.520 --> 0:07:58.560 standing in front of me. No, I love you once 0:07:58.640 --> 0:08:01.680 you do this, When you do that, when you maximize 0:08:01.720 --> 0:08:04.600 your potential in this area, when you stop wearing flip 0:08:04.600 --> 0:08:07.640 flops and socks. When you do you own blueberry smores. 0:08:08.200 --> 0:08:10.640 They never fall in love with the actual person is 0:08:10.760 --> 0:08:12.880 standing in front of him at the time. They always 0:08:12.880 --> 0:08:15.560 fall in love with the potential. That's when your expectations 0:08:15.920 --> 0:08:20.600 become the death sentence. Well, you just said something very important. Literally, 0:08:20.640 --> 0:08:22.760 the most important thing that I found in fair Play 0:08:22.920 --> 0:08:27.400 is about expectations. That it's all about communication and expectations, right, 0:08:27.440 --> 0:08:31.760 because that should I do spreadsheet? That I that I did? 0:08:31.960 --> 0:08:34.000 Should I do spreadsheet? And should be part of vows 0:08:36.040 --> 0:08:39.800 did I do spreadsheet? You're about right? Actually so well, 0:08:39.840 --> 0:08:42.000 I can learn more about you from talking about those 0:08:42.040 --> 0:08:44.240 tabs like garbage, and I'll talk about them in the second. 0:08:44.440 --> 0:08:46.199 But the should I do spreadsheets? Remember I just told 0:08:46.240 --> 0:08:48.120 you I'm a lawyer, but I'm also trained as a mediator, 0:08:48.679 --> 0:08:52.480 so I'm trained. I'm actually literally trained in communication. I 0:08:52.480 --> 0:08:54.840 grew up in a single mother household where I helped 0:08:54.840 --> 0:08:57.920 my mother eight years old, manage eviction notices and utility 0:08:57.960 --> 0:09:00.280 bills in piles for her at eight years old. But 0:09:00.320 --> 0:09:02.720 that that that is a whole different disposition that you 0:09:02.760 --> 0:09:05.600 have to add to the book title. Because the fact 0:09:05.679 --> 0:09:07.800 that you grew up in a single mother house already 0:09:07.920 --> 0:09:11.120 conditioned you to think and live and breathe a very 0:09:11.320 --> 0:09:15.240 very specific certain way because single mothers, single mothers, single 0:09:15.480 --> 0:09:19.000 I'm generalizing now, but single mothers raised their their daughters 0:09:19.040 --> 0:09:23.440 to be completely independent and never never, never need anything 0:09:23.480 --> 0:09:26.320 from a man. That's the very generalization. I get it. 0:09:26.400 --> 0:09:30.680 But oftentimes, uh, women come out of a household like that, 0:09:31.040 --> 0:09:33.760 not just being empowered and being self sufficient and being 0:09:33.920 --> 0:09:39.400 and being confident, but also completely rejecting the notion of 0:09:39.440 --> 0:09:42.400 a man being a partner or Yeah, learning how to 0:09:42.400 --> 0:09:45.400 communicate even if you're trained in it, that's right, And 0:09:45.440 --> 0:09:51.400 I think that's you're right. I think that's before he 0:09:51.480 --> 0:09:55.640 sent the text, Seth knew what my my mother, what 0:09:56.040 --> 0:09:58.800 she brought to the table. Um, she's a very interesting person. 0:09:58.880 --> 0:10:02.800 But I think what he realized, right, was that even 0:10:02.920 --> 0:10:06.360 in a household where I vow this was not gonna 0:10:06.400 --> 0:10:08.600 happen to me, and where I thought I was setting 0:10:08.600 --> 0:10:13.240 myself up for success before you even get into the relation. Yeah, well, 0:10:13.280 --> 0:10:16.360 I think that's that's right. You've got to start fresh. 0:10:16.440 --> 0:10:18.960 You can't. You can't project all of your paradigms from 0:10:19.000 --> 0:10:21.680 from your failed relationship. You need to rewrite this book 0:10:21.720 --> 0:10:29.400 now bring But there there's learnings. There's learnings from because 0:10:29.440 --> 0:10:31.240 I think what happened was I did have all those 0:10:31.320 --> 0:10:34.120 learnings you're talking about. It came too late, right, It 0:10:34.200 --> 0:10:35.559 came a little bit too late where I had to 0:10:35.600 --> 0:10:37.359 be sobbing on the side of the road over blueberries 0:10:37.600 --> 0:10:41.760 and send my husband a nineteen million megabyte spreadsheet with 0:10:41.840 --> 0:10:45.000 zero contexts that just had a subject line said, can't 0:10:45.000 --> 0:10:51.080 wait to discuss, can't wait to discuss regarding the blueberries. 0:10:51.200 --> 0:10:53.640 Should he have not sent the text at all with 0:10:53.720 --> 0:10:57.800 the blueberries praise the blueberry thing different? Or should he 0:10:57.840 --> 0:11:00.800 have gone and gone blueberries? I get your own blue 0:11:00.920 --> 0:11:03.280 Because if you're married to this woman and she just 0:11:03.320 --> 0:11:07.000 gave birth to two children, she's still breast pumping, she's 0:11:07.040 --> 0:11:10.679 a lawyer, she's working, which means she's working. Unless you've 0:11:10.720 --> 0:11:13.560 been on vacation Siberia for six months. You have been 0:11:13.640 --> 0:11:15.880 part of this life, so you understand where she's at. 0:11:16.160 --> 0:11:18.640 So you don't need to have her pull up the 0:11:18.679 --> 0:11:21.160 side of road and letting you, letting you know the 0:11:21.200 --> 0:11:23.440 state of mind she's in. If you're a husband who 0:11:23.480 --> 0:11:26.959 is somewhat present, you totally understand that you don't bother 0:11:27.040 --> 0:11:30.080 her with with blueberry text messages. You got the blue 0:11:30.120 --> 0:11:32.480 Bears and you made her favorite smoothie and maybe even 0:11:32.520 --> 0:11:35.480 put it in her bag before she left. I love that. 0:11:35.800 --> 0:11:37.880 I love why. I think you're very woke because I 0:11:37.920 --> 0:11:40.600 will say that there's not I don't think but it 0:11:40.679 --> 0:11:45.120 is well, but it is. It is why you were 0:11:45.160 --> 0:11:47.680 disagreeing with the list thing that she was saying, because 0:11:47.760 --> 0:11:51.400 you just knowing you now you your father of two 0:11:51.440 --> 0:11:55.800 boris to so special needs child, which is like thirteen children. 0:11:55.880 --> 0:11:57.840 So in my mind I didn't know that. I just learned, 0:11:57.840 --> 0:12:01.680 not now that. In my mind, you're like, uh, men 0:12:01.800 --> 0:12:04.600 do like I'm you were making the noises earlier. You're like, 0:12:04.840 --> 0:12:08.240 men do so much and it's because you, I believe, 0:12:08.640 --> 0:12:11.360 do so much. So you can't understand a man that 0:12:11.480 --> 0:12:15.000 doesn't do these things for his family or his wife. 0:12:15.880 --> 0:12:18.439 I get that because I align. I aligned with you. 0:12:18.760 --> 0:12:26.719 There are no absolutely I think that men are to 0:12:27.160 --> 0:12:29.040 It's the same things, the same I have the same list, 0:12:30.040 --> 0:12:33.160 but this is what was happening. Mine is getting tampons made. 0:12:33.600 --> 0:12:35.800 But other than that, I have the same list for sure. 0:12:35.960 --> 0:12:40.000 I get up at five every morning, I do everything. 0:12:40.040 --> 0:12:41.719 What happens though, when you say I do everything and 0:12:41.720 --> 0:12:44.199 the other person says, I do everything right. And so 0:12:44.280 --> 0:12:47.280 every book, every single book that had been written until 0:12:47.280 --> 0:12:50.600 fair Play, well, there were some very unhelpful solutions, like 0:12:50.720 --> 0:12:52.680 women should just strike and walk out of their house. 0:12:53.000 --> 0:12:55.080 Other ones said, moved to a foreign country where your 0:12:55.160 --> 0:12:57.520 husband knows the language but you don't, so he has 0:12:57.559 --> 0:12:59.600 to fill out the school forms. Okay, that's in New 0:12:59.679 --> 0:13:02.040 York Time Times New York Times, it's actually suggested that. 0:13:02.320 --> 0:13:05.319 But even the most helpful situations just said make a list. 0:13:05.720 --> 0:13:07.880 So as you saw, I made that I do spreadsheet, 0:13:07.920 --> 0:13:09.880 the best list in the world. And what I realized 0:13:09.920 --> 0:13:12.800 is that it unleased a storm. In my house, there 0:13:12.840 --> 0:13:15.480 was a scene, no evil, but in other homes, women 0:13:15.520 --> 0:13:18.200 were texting me things like w TF, I'm doing it. 0:13:18.240 --> 0:13:20.679 All other women were saying to me, at this rate, 0:13:20.679 --> 0:13:22.600 I'm not going to stay in my At this rate, 0:13:22.640 --> 0:13:24.480 I'm not going to stay in my marriage. And so 0:13:24.480 --> 0:13:28.040 what I realized is that sometimes consciousness raising is not 0:13:28.040 --> 0:13:30.640 always the best thing unless there's a solution. And so 0:13:30.720 --> 0:13:33.360 that's why I went out to understand what was happening 0:13:33.360 --> 0:13:35.679 and speaking to men. And here's what I found. I 0:13:35.720 --> 0:13:39.199 have to cancel all my stuff after this second. Okay, 0:13:39.200 --> 0:13:40.920 so this is what I found. I found that the 0:13:40.960 --> 0:13:43.760 smallest details were causing the biggest problems. I had a 0:13:43.800 --> 0:13:45.200 man tell me that he was locked out of his 0:13:45.240 --> 0:13:48.240 home over a glue stick. You can't make this, He's not. 0:13:48.440 --> 0:13:50.920 But here's my I don't know the story. He's not 0:13:51.400 --> 0:13:54.360 out of the home. I bet your wife does. YEA 0:13:58.120 --> 0:14:02.240 stick was just the less straw. Yes, it's not actually 0:14:02.280 --> 0:14:05.000 locked out over the glue stick, just like you weren't 0:14:05.120 --> 0:14:08.480 actually or he wasn't you weren't so mad at the text. 0:14:08.800 --> 0:14:13.120 There was so many things layered into that. That's exactly right. No, literally, 0:14:13.240 --> 0:14:15.079 that's that's what I say, is immediate or I say 0:14:15.120 --> 0:14:19.360 the conscious man ud know that you won't of course 0:14:19.400 --> 0:14:24.640 you won't send it. There's something the text clinically aware 0:14:25.080 --> 0:14:30.160 of the emotional, physical, and spiritual place my wife is 0:14:30.160 --> 0:14:33.800 in at every moment. Because say that again, that's a 0:14:33.800 --> 0:14:36.680 beautiful line. I think most men, it's true. That's the 0:14:36.680 --> 0:14:41.080 secret to happy Now, that's a dedicated ded dedicated to 0:14:41.120 --> 0:14:47.800 his kids. I know that you know, happy life, happy wife, 0:14:47.800 --> 0:14:50.560 happy life. So I know that her state of mind, 0:14:50.840 --> 0:14:55.640 her emotional state, her spiritual state, her physical state. Uh, 0:14:55.760 --> 0:14:59.200 controls and influences what the rest of the world looks like. 0:14:59.280 --> 0:15:03.400 For us. She's the nucleus, so my job is to 0:15:03.480 --> 0:15:06.720 make sure that at all times that she is in 0:15:06.800 --> 0:15:10.880 a state that is conducive to a happy living. Right. 0:15:11.080 --> 0:15:15.840 It's very you know, but that's why I'm happy you're here. Simple. 0:15:16.080 --> 0:15:18.440 Life is not easy, trust me, I know, but it's simple, 0:15:19.040 --> 0:15:21.600 especially for men. We can we compartmentalized. For us, it's 0:15:21.720 --> 0:15:25.480 very simple, which sometimes also leads to issues between us 0:15:25.520 --> 0:15:29.920 and women because for you ladies, Uh, your brain doesn't 0:15:29.920 --> 0:15:32.280 work that way. Your brain works differitely, right, So you 0:15:32.360 --> 0:15:36.800 have a literally an orbit of a million different satellites 0:15:36.960 --> 0:15:39.280 and things all playing into one at the same time. 0:15:39.320 --> 0:15:41.000 That's why you don't go to sleep at night. I 0:15:41.160 --> 0:15:44.920 laid my head down and twelve seconds later I got 0:15:45.000 --> 0:15:49.160 you on the same gone. That's how man for seven 0:15:49.160 --> 0:15:52.880 hours straight. Because what happens is we we go to 0:15:53.000 --> 0:15:55.360 the to the sleep box. We say okay, now I 0:15:55.400 --> 0:15:57.840 can leave everything behind. Now it's time to sleep, sleep, 0:15:57.960 --> 0:15:59.920 and we go to sleep. Right. It doesn't work that 0:16:00.000 --> 0:16:02.880 way with you, guys, so we have to learn skills 0:16:03.240 --> 0:16:07.160 in order to communicate effectively. Knowing that we have different brains, 0:16:07.320 --> 0:16:09.160 we can literally be like I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm 0:16:09.160 --> 0:16:12.440 busy on board at all. At the same time, there's 0:16:12.840 --> 0:16:16.080 there's something my wife says all the time, all the things. 0:16:16.600 --> 0:16:18.240 That's what she said. So we go to a restaurant. 0:16:18.280 --> 0:16:20.080 We go to a restaurant. We sit down, like, babe, 0:16:20.080 --> 0:16:23.200 do you know what you want? She's like all the things, 0:16:23.240 --> 0:16:25.960 all like I want these four appetizers and these three 0:16:26.080 --> 0:16:30.800 entrees and six pounds. You're not pounding that and then 0:16:31.040 --> 0:16:33.320 eat your food? Yeah, And then she want mine comes 0:16:33.320 --> 0:16:35.960 to and ordered the same thing for twenty years at 0:16:35.960 --> 0:16:39.640 the same place, and she always looks to be adventurous, 0:16:39.760 --> 0:16:42.400 and then she orders stuff that looks great, and then 0:16:42.440 --> 0:16:44.040 she envisions how it's going to look, and then it 0:16:44.080 --> 0:16:47.520 comes and doesn't look like joy and the pain of 0:16:47.560 --> 0:16:51.320 men and women. It's a beautiful thing. It adds. It 0:16:51.400 --> 0:16:55.840 adds for men, I believe it adds. Yeah, it adds 0:16:55.960 --> 0:17:00.000 vibrance and color and like just variation to our life. 0:17:00.320 --> 0:17:03.760 And look, I shouldn't out this, but I was dealing 0:17:03.800 --> 0:17:05.159 with a little bit of a broken heart. So I 0:17:05.200 --> 0:17:08.240 called Rick one of our co hosts, and I had 0:17:08.280 --> 0:17:09.800 called him a few days in a row to talk 0:17:09.800 --> 0:17:12.440 about my broken heart, and finally he was like, Amy, 0:17:12.720 --> 0:17:15.480 I have to coach water polo, coach baseball. Although the 0:17:15.480 --> 0:17:18.840 car cooked dinner, I don't have time for this with you. 0:17:18.920 --> 0:17:22.679 And it was like, but I get it, like he 0:17:22.760 --> 0:17:26.160 had his things going and I was just one more 0:17:26.200 --> 0:17:29.439 thing throwing him off. But you also want and I'm like, 0:17:29.520 --> 0:17:31.680 he just felt at the little girl with the broken heart, 0:17:31.800 --> 0:17:35.840 but you know he saw it very differently. Well, yeah, 0:17:37.320 --> 0:17:39.159 back to Brooks. What you were just saying, no about 0:17:39.440 --> 0:17:41.680 it's not about the blueberries, right, or it's not about 0:17:41.720 --> 0:17:43.879 the glue stick. Why is this man being locked out 0:17:43.920 --> 0:17:45.800 of his house over gluestick? Right? So when I spoke 0:17:45.840 --> 0:17:50.000 to his his partner, she said to me, I've been 0:17:50.040 --> 0:17:52.480 working for three weeks on a homework project for our 0:17:52.600 --> 0:17:56.120 kid where we went to the library, we xerox copied 0:17:56.200 --> 0:17:59.600 pictures of Albert Einstein, cut them out, did the captions, 0:18:00.040 --> 0:18:03.160 put them in order, worked on the book, report, got 0:18:03.200 --> 0:18:07.160 the costume because this kid had to be impersonating Albert Einstein. 0:18:07.560 --> 0:18:12.360 All I needed was just that one thing, the glue stick. No, well, 0:18:12.400 --> 0:18:14.400 she did she but she she texted in the middle 0:18:14.400 --> 0:18:17.080 of the day, and so this is what was happening 0:18:17.160 --> 0:18:19.320 right when I. So men were saying this all the time, right, 0:18:19.359 --> 0:18:22.200 I'm getting these So I ended up calling it the rat. 0:18:22.600 --> 0:18:25.000 And what I realized was happening. The number one thing 0:18:25.040 --> 0:18:26.960 men were telling me they were frustrated about with home 0:18:27.000 --> 0:18:30.200 life was this idea of nagging. So what is nagging? 0:18:30.200 --> 0:18:32.560 It's the rat. It's the random assignment of a task. 0:18:33.359 --> 0:18:37.000 Get me tampons, Go get me a glue stick, go 0:18:37.080 --> 0:18:41.520 back to the store. From the point, because men, if 0:18:41.520 --> 0:18:43.919 they want something, we'll just go do it. Well, I 0:18:43.960 --> 0:18:46.639 won't ask him to go do I won't ask Gavin 0:18:46.680 --> 0:18:49.360 to go do something for me. I'll just go do it. Well. 0:18:49.359 --> 0:18:51.679 That's exactly what fair plays about, because I found that 0:18:51.720 --> 0:18:54.800 with men that when they get ownership, everything changed. She'll 0:18:54.840 --> 0:18:56.199 just let me tell you one last thing about the 0:18:56.200 --> 0:18:58.000 system and then we can go into it. Everything you 0:18:57.960 --> 0:19:00.439 need to know about the way the system works. And 0:19:00.480 --> 0:19:02.560 it's based, like I said, a lot of data for men. 0:19:02.880 --> 0:19:05.560 Most of the experts actually in my book are men. 0:19:06.240 --> 0:19:09.440 Um It was about mustard and I'll explain what I mean. 0:19:09.600 --> 0:19:13.400 So somebody has to know eventually that your second son, 0:19:13.520 --> 0:19:15.960 Johnny likes french Is yellow mustard. That's the only way 0:19:15.960 --> 0:19:19.560 he eats protein. He dips his his mustard, you know, 0:19:19.640 --> 0:19:22.520 his protein and mustard. That's what I call conception. This 0:19:22.600 --> 0:19:26.960 is a business concept. Conception. Then somebody has to notice 0:19:27.240 --> 0:19:29.879 that the mustards running low and put it on a 0:19:29.960 --> 0:19:32.680 list with other groceries for the week. That's what I 0:19:32.720 --> 0:19:36.159 call planning. That's another business concept. Then someone has to 0:19:36.160 --> 0:19:38.000 get their butt to the store to buy the French's 0:19:38.080 --> 0:19:41.160 yellow mustard. That's in my data where men came in. 0:19:41.480 --> 0:19:43.840 They stepped in at the execution, and it was always 0:19:43.880 --> 0:19:46.680 a problem because that you come home with spicy dijon, 0:19:47.000 --> 0:19:49.480 you come home with a nasty mustard with the seeds 0:19:49.480 --> 0:19:51.560 in it. And so men all over the country were 0:19:51.600 --> 0:19:53.800 saying to me, I'm not doing anything for my wife 0:19:53.840 --> 0:19:56.800 anymore because every time I bring home the mustard, it's 0:19:56.800 --> 0:20:00.840 always wrong. And women are saying to me, ready to burst, 0:20:01.040 --> 0:20:02.959 okay one second, and then women are saying to me, 0:20:03.119 --> 0:20:05.879 last thing, I'll just finish my little round thing. Women 0:20:05.920 --> 0:20:08.439 are saying to me, Eve, you want me to trust 0:20:08.560 --> 0:20:11.959 him with my state planning. He can't even bring home 0:20:12.000 --> 0:20:14.919 the right type of mustard. So that becomes brooks. Like 0:20:14.920 --> 0:20:18.040 you said, not about mustard, not about blueberries, but trust 0:20:18.119 --> 0:20:21.159 what it is. But it's about trust, the trust cycle. 0:20:21.520 --> 0:20:24.200 Can we go down and take into a trust cycle? 0:20:24.600 --> 0:20:27.520 It's it's it's comes. What do you think it's about? Okay, 0:20:27.720 --> 0:20:29.840 we have the same My wife always brings up the 0:20:29.880 --> 0:20:33.520 same very this very example about orange juice with it 0:20:33.600 --> 0:20:37.760 without pulp. She always brings that that up. See, the 0:20:37.800 --> 0:20:39.080 thing is this, wait, wait, are you do you bring 0:20:39.160 --> 0:20:41.439 home the right type of orange juices? Or were you criticize? No, no, 0:20:41.480 --> 0:20:43.280 I want to hear that. Do you have a do 0:20:43.320 --> 0:20:47.040 you have a spicy dijon situation? Okay? So we tell 0:20:47.080 --> 0:20:49.119 me how every day. Okay, but tell me tell me 0:20:49.160 --> 0:20:52.360 a little bit about those okay. Well, the text message, 0:20:52.400 --> 0:20:57.240 she she she likes to involve me in group text messages. 0:20:57.960 --> 0:21:02.000 You hate, I hate myself. I never I never pull 0:21:02.200 --> 0:21:06.800 into things where I can handle it. Wants to be inclusive. 0:21:06.960 --> 0:21:08.760 And then she wants to put me in a text 0:21:08.760 --> 0:21:10.880 message and say hi to some people that are doing 0:21:10.920 --> 0:21:13.600 some stuff for us at the house and and yes 0:21:13.760 --> 0:21:15.880 he's coming to the house tomorrow, so just and then 0:21:15.920 --> 0:21:20.240 she texts me individually and says, just send, just text 0:21:20.320 --> 0:21:26.600 into the chin, just chime, just chime in, and just 0:21:26.640 --> 0:21:29.680 say that you will You're happy to see them tomorrow. 0:21:29.960 --> 0:21:33.480 I'm like, okay, and then I say great to see 0:21:33.520 --> 0:21:36.520