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Speaker 1: This is how men think with Brooks Like and Gavin

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Speaker 1: de Gros and I heard radio podcast. Welcome to the show.

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Speaker 1: My name is Brooks Like, this is how man think.

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Speaker 1: And this man to my left in his nice flannel

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Speaker 1: fall sweater, Mr Gavin de Gras, I'm cuddly today. I'm guy.

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Speaker 1: But you've got you've got camel pants on, which also

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Speaker 1: means I'm awarded. Don't hold me too, because it means

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Speaker 1: that he's single. He's got bright red with camel kids.

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Speaker 1: Your wife will hinder you from leaving the house with

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Speaker 1: flannel shirts and cargo pants and the same. It's true.

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Speaker 1: I'm sure you're right that that's so true, because um

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Speaker 1: my wife when she met me, she goes, nobody wants

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Speaker 1: to read your T shirt And so now you look

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Speaker 1: at me, Oh, you're wearing a blank one. My T

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Speaker 1: shirts are almost blank t shirts. Yeah, that's funny because

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Speaker 1: I almost flip flops. My dad does that. So that

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Speaker 1: that deep, deep Roman voice you're hearing is a guest

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Speaker 1: co host we have too. Yeah, have you want to introduce?

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Speaker 1: You want me to introduce? I want you to introduce.

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Speaker 1: This is your special So we have Boris Kojoe with

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Speaker 1: us in the house to celebrate an actor. Family man.

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Speaker 1: We're gonna get more into your story and we have

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Speaker 1: Eve Rod Sky in the house with us celebrated. We're

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Speaker 1: diving into a dynamite. Are all fighting? Three minutes ago

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Speaker 1: before we went on, Literally there was Forest and I

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Speaker 1: were fighting so much that he called his wife and

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Speaker 1: I took her side. Amy is super fried out about

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Speaker 1: this podcast is all about and I can't wait to

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Speaker 1: hear you guys talk about it. I can't wait to

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Speaker 1: hear what she's all about. So, Eve, you have a

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Speaker 1: new book. It's called fair Play, and it's a game

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Speaker 1: changing solution for when you have too much to do

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Speaker 1: and more life to live. And it's out now. So

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Speaker 1: let's talk about this book. Your goal with this book

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Speaker 1: and you said before it was your gift. Yeah, so

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Speaker 1: my goals is to get men to do more in

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Speaker 1: the home. Yeah, that's my goal. Um. But actually, so

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Speaker 1: I wrote fair Play as a love letter to women,

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Speaker 1: and I'll talk about sort of how this started. Started

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Speaker 1: with a text my husband sent me where I was

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Speaker 1: sobbing on the side of the road. So we'll get

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Speaker 1: to that. But but sorry, but I'll just really quick,

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Speaker 1: but really with this book, fair Play became my love

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Speaker 1: letter to men because I interviewed five men and women

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Speaker 1: for this book. Um from that mirror the U. S

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Speaker 1: Census in terms of ethnicity and social socio economic status,

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Speaker 1: and I learned a lot. I learned a lot for men,

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Speaker 1: and I learned that you're being locked out of your

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Speaker 1: house is over glue sticks and other things like that.

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Speaker 1: So I can't wait to get into it, but I

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Speaker 1: will tell you quickly about that fateful text that was

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Speaker 1: sent to me seven years ago where I was pulled

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Speaker 1: over the side of the road sobbing, and the text

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Speaker 1: my husband sent me, Seth, his name is Seth, just

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Speaker 1: said I'm surprised you didn't get blueberries. And so I'll

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Speaker 1: just picture the picture the seat. I have a breast

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Speaker 1: pump and a diaper bag on the passenger seat. I

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Speaker 1: have buddy returns for a new baby, because you know

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Speaker 1: the story policies like two days in the back seat.

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Speaker 1: I'm a lawyer. I'm a Harvard Training attorney. I have

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Speaker 1: a client contract on my lap with a pen that's

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Speaker 1: falling between my legs as I'm trying to mark up

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Speaker 1: a client contract in between traffic stops trying to pick

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Speaker 1: up my first kid, who was three years old from

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Speaker 1: his transition preschool program that in America, because we really

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Speaker 1: value working parents last literally like five minutes. And so

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Speaker 1: as I'm raising to get in, Yeah, I knew I

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Speaker 1: was gonna be late to pick up Zach, but I

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Speaker 1: get this. I'm surprised you to get blueberry sex and

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Speaker 1: I just no. But you know what I was thinking.

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Speaker 1: I was thinking if my marriage was going to and

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Speaker 1: it should be over something way more dramatic, like my

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Speaker 1: affair with an NFL player, Like that's what was going

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Speaker 1: to happen to me. I thought, that's that's how my

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Speaker 1: marriage would end, right, like some really dramatic, cool fight

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Speaker 1: in the Caribbean or this awesome affair. But instead it's

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Speaker 1: over offseason blueberries. And that marriage actually did end. No,

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Speaker 1: it survived. It survives question, And because I'm just getting

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Speaker 1: the context of this, Yeah, did he know all of

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Speaker 1: that that you had going on at that moment? Was

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Speaker 1: he like, oh, my wife, is this, this, this, this, this,

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Speaker 1: And I still choose to send this to the father

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Speaker 1: of your child. He is, but you know, I know

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Speaker 1: about the breast pumps and the baby, and he did

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Speaker 1: know about that. But I will say that from a

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Speaker 1: woman's perspective, right, I'm thinking, I'm so overwhelmed. I can't

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Speaker 1: even manage a grocery list, and I used to be

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Speaker 1: able to manage an employee team. Um, and slowly my

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Speaker 1: career is sort of fading away from me after my

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Speaker 1: second son. And more importantly, I'm so overwhelmed from literally

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Speaker 1: all this. What I what I found out is called

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Speaker 1: a second shift for women, the mental load invisible work.

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Speaker 1: Um that I couldn't even at that point communicated to him.

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Speaker 1: And I think, Brooks, what you just said is so

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Speaker 1: important because he didn't know what was happening to me,

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Speaker 1: and I didn't even know what was happening to me. Literally,

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Speaker 1: I had no idea what was happening to me except

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Speaker 1: for that I knew my marriage and be ending over

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Speaker 1: offseason blueberries. I just can't believe you could forget blueberries?

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Speaker 1: Right then? The organic ones, what's the problem? They come

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Speaker 1: on your pancakes from rooms, you know. Apparently I became

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Speaker 1: the fulfiller of my husbands smoothie needs, right. I mean

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Speaker 1: that that that's that's what you become watching ESPN with

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Speaker 1: socks and pretty much pretty much well, you know, men,

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Speaker 1: men statistically have twice as much leisure time as women

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Speaker 1: after kids. After kids, Um, they do five to fifteen

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Speaker 1: five to fifteen hours a week less after kids come along. Um.

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Speaker 1: But again back to my love letter a man. What

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Speaker 1: I found out when I went on this quest after

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Speaker 1: the blueberries fateful day seven years ago was not only

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Speaker 1: that this phenomena has a name, second shift, mental load,

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Speaker 1: all these emotional labor things that women talk about. There's

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Speaker 1: three articles alone on this issue. But my favorite was

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Speaker 1: this idea of invisible work because of what Brooks you

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Speaker 1: were just saying, how can you value? How can you

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Speaker 1: men value what I'm doing if it's invisible? And so

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Speaker 1: I went on a quest. I went on a quest

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Speaker 1: to make everything visible that I've ever done for my

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Speaker 1: family and my husband. That took more than two minutes.

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Speaker 1: And I don't know if you know Excel, if you

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Speaker 1: ever work with Excel, but I write I did write

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Speaker 1: things in my hands too, That's what I mean. But

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Speaker 1: I do write things in my hands. I love. That's

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Speaker 1: a very nineteen eighties or nineteen nineties way of studying. Ninth.

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Speaker 1: So basically, this Excel spreadsheet I I created from seth

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Speaker 1: after that day that was crowd source from women all

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Speaker 1: over the country who didn't even know me turned into

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Speaker 1: tabs and I in about twenty sub tabs over a

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Speaker 1: thousand items of invisible work, and I titled the Okay,

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Speaker 1: well women, women I didn't even know, we're calling me.

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Speaker 1: They were getting this Excel sheet from friends of friends,

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Speaker 1: and they would say things to me like, well, you

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Speaker 1: didn't you forgot applying, You forgot applying sunscreen. You forgot

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Speaker 1: raspberries right right, You forgot buying the blueberries that was

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Speaker 1: in their groceries was easy, but you forgot applying sunscreen.

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Speaker 1: And so I'd say, well, no, you just don't how

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Speaker 1: to know how to use Excel. Just have to scroll right.

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Speaker 1: It's under tab ninety two under medical and healthy living

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Speaker 1: well some have zero, some have zero. So I mean,

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Speaker 1: then you have to blame the wife. If you're getting

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Speaker 1: married to somebody who's zero in so many different ways,

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Speaker 1: then that's your fault. Because the problem is that women

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Speaker 1: fall in love with the potential. They never they never

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Speaker 1: just say oh I love you, who you who you're

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Speaker 1: standing in front of me. No, I love you once

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Speaker 1: you do this, When you do that, when you maximize

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Speaker 1: your potential in this area, when you stop wearing flip

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Speaker 1: flops and socks. When you do you own blueberry smores.

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Speaker 1: They never fall in love with the actual person is

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Speaker 1: standing in front of him at the time. They always

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Speaker 1: fall in love with the potential. That's when your expectations

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Speaker 1: become the death sentence. Well, you just said something very important. Literally,

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Speaker 1: the most important thing that I found in fair Play

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Speaker 1: is about expectations. That it's all about communication and expectations, right,

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Speaker 1: because that should I do spreadsheet? That I that I did?

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Speaker 1: Should I do spreadsheet? And should be part of vows

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Speaker 1: did I do spreadsheet? You're about right? Actually so well,

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Speaker 1: I can learn more about you from talking about those

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Speaker 1: tabs like garbage, and I'll talk about them in the second.

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Speaker 1: But the should I do spreadsheets? Remember I just told

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Speaker 1: you I'm a lawyer, but I'm also trained as a mediator,

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Speaker 1: so I'm trained. I'm actually literally trained in communication. I

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Speaker 1: grew up in a single mother household where I helped

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Speaker 1: my mother eight years old, manage eviction notices and utility

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Speaker 1: bills in piles for her at eight years old. But

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Speaker 1: that that that is a whole different disposition that you

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Speaker 1: have to add to the book title. Because the fact

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Speaker 1: that you grew up in a single mother house already

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Speaker 1: conditioned you to think and live and breathe a very

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Speaker 1: very specific certain way because single mothers, single mothers, single

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Speaker 1: I'm generalizing now, but single mothers raised their their daughters

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Speaker 1: to be completely independent and never never, never need anything

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Speaker 1: from a man. That's the very generalization. I get it.

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Speaker 1: But oftentimes, uh, women come out of a household like that,

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Speaker 1: not just being empowered and being self sufficient and being

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Speaker 1: and being confident, but also completely rejecting the notion of

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Speaker 1: a man being a partner or Yeah, learning how to

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Speaker 1: communicate even if you're trained in it, that's right, And

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Speaker 1: I think that's you're right. I think that's before he

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Speaker 1: sent the text, Seth knew what my my mother, what

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Speaker 1: she brought to the table. Um, she's a very interesting person.

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Speaker 1: But I think what he realized, right, was that even

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Speaker 1: in a household where I vow this was not gonna

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Speaker 1: happen to me, and where I thought I was setting

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Speaker 1: myself up for success before you even get into the relation. Yeah, well,

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Speaker 1: I think that's that's right. You've got to start fresh.

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Speaker 1: You can't. You can't project all of your paradigms from

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Speaker 1: from your failed relationship. You need to rewrite this book

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Speaker 1: now bring But there there's learnings. There's learnings from because

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Speaker 1: I think what happened was I did have all those

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Speaker 1: learnings you're talking about. It came too late, right, It

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Speaker 1: came a little bit too late where I had to

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Speaker 1: be sobbing on the side of the road over blueberries

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Speaker 1: and send my husband a nineteen million megabyte spreadsheet with

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Speaker 1: zero contexts that just had a subject line said, can't

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Speaker 1: wait to discuss, can't wait to discuss regarding the blueberries.

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Speaker 1: Should he have not sent the text at all with

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Speaker 1: the blueberries praise the blueberry thing different? Or should he

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Speaker 1: have gone and gone blueberries? I get your own blue

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Speaker 1: Because if you're married to this woman and she just

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Speaker 1: gave birth to two children, she's still breast pumping, she's

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Speaker 1: a lawyer, she's working, which means she's working. Unless you've

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Speaker 1: been on vacation Siberia for six months. You have been

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Speaker 1: part of this life, so you understand where she's at.

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Speaker 1: So you don't need to have her pull up the

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Speaker 1: side of road and letting you, letting you know the

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Speaker 1: state of mind she's in. If you're a husband who

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Speaker 1: is somewhat present, you totally understand that you don't bother

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Speaker 1: her with with blueberry text messages. You got the blue

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Speaker 1: Bears and you made her favorite smoothie and maybe even

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Speaker 1: put it in her bag before she left. I love that.

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Speaker 1: I love why. I think you're very woke because I

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Speaker 1: will say that there's not I don't think but it

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Speaker 1: is well, but it is. It is why you were

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Speaker 1: disagreeing with the list thing that she was saying, because

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Speaker 1: you just knowing you now you your father of two

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Speaker 1: boris to so special needs child, which is like thirteen children.

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Speaker 1: So in my mind I didn't know that. I just learned,

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Speaker 1: not now that. In my mind, you're like, uh, men

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Speaker 1: do like I'm you were making the noises earlier. You're like,

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Speaker 1: men do so much and it's because you, I believe,

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Speaker 1: do so much. So you can't understand a man that

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Speaker 1: doesn't do these things for his family or his wife.

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Speaker 1: I get that because I align. I aligned with you.

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Speaker 1: There are no absolutely I think that men are to

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Speaker 1: It's the same things, the same I have the same list,

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Speaker 1: but this is what was happening. Mine is getting tampons made.

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Speaker 1: But other than that, I have the same list for sure.

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Speaker 1: I get up at five every morning, I do everything.

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Speaker 1: What happens though, when you say I do everything and

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Speaker 1: the other person says, I do everything right. And so

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Speaker 1: every book, every single book that had been written until

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Speaker 1: fair Play, well, there were some very unhelpful solutions, like

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Speaker 1: women should just strike and walk out of their house.

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Speaker 1: Other ones said, moved to a foreign country where your

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Speaker 1: husband knows the language but you don't, so he has

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Speaker 1: to fill out the school forms. Okay, that's in New

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Speaker 1: York Time Times New York Times, it's actually suggested that.

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Speaker 1: But even the most helpful situations just said make a list.

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Speaker 1: So as you saw, I made that I do spreadsheet,

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Speaker 1: the best list in the world. And what I realized

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Speaker 1: is that it unleased a storm. In my house, there

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Speaker 1: was a scene, no evil, but in other homes, women

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Speaker 1: were texting me things like w TF, I'm doing it.

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Speaker 1: All other women were saying to me, at this rate,

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Speaker 1: I'm not going to stay in my At this rate,

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Speaker 1: I'm not going to stay in my marriage. And so

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Speaker 1: what I realized is that sometimes consciousness raising is not

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Speaker 1: always the best thing unless there's a solution. And so

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Speaker 1: that's why I went out to understand what was happening

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Speaker 1: and speaking to men. And here's what I found. I

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Speaker 1: have to cancel all my stuff after this second. Okay,

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Speaker 1: so this is what I found. I found that the

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Speaker 1: smallest details were causing the biggest problems. I had a

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Speaker 1: man tell me that he was locked out of his

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Speaker 1: home over a glue stick. You can't make this, He's not.

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Speaker 1: But here's my I don't know the story. He's not

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Speaker 1: out of the home. I bet your wife does. YEA

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Speaker 1: stick was just the less straw. Yes, it's not actually

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Speaker 1: locked out over the glue stick, just like you weren't

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Speaker 1: actually or he wasn't you weren't so mad at the text.

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Speaker 1: There was so many things layered into that. That's exactly right. No, literally,

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Speaker 1: that's that's what I say, is immediate or I say

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Speaker 1: the conscious man ud know that you won't of course

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Speaker 1: you won't send it. There's something the text clinically aware

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Speaker 1: of the emotional, physical, and spiritual place my wife is

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Speaker 1: in at every moment. Because say that again, that's a

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Speaker 1: beautiful line. I think most men, it's true. That's the

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Speaker 1: secret to happy Now, that's a dedicated ded dedicated to

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Speaker 1: his kids. I know that you know, happy life, happy wife,

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Speaker 1: happy life. So I know that her state of mind,

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Speaker 1: her emotional state, her spiritual state, her physical state. Uh,

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Speaker 1: controls and influences what the rest of the world looks like.

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Speaker 1: For us. She's the nucleus, so my job is to

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Speaker 1: make sure that at all times that she is in

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Speaker 1: a state that is conducive to a happy living. Right.

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Speaker 1: It's very you know, but that's why I'm happy you're here. Simple.

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Speaker 1: Life is not easy, trust me, I know, but it's simple,

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Speaker 1: especially for men. We can we compartmentalized. For us, it's

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Speaker 1: very simple, which sometimes also leads to issues between us

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Speaker 1: and women because for you ladies, Uh, your brain doesn't

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Speaker 1: work that way. Your brain works differitely, right, So you

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Speaker 1: have a literally an orbit of a million different satellites

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Speaker 1: and things all playing into one at the same time.

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Speaker 1: That's why you don't go to sleep at night. I

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Speaker 1: laid my head down and twelve seconds later I got

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Speaker 1: you on the same gone. That's how man for seven

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Speaker 1: hours straight. Because what happens is we we go to

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Speaker 1: the to the sleep box. We say okay, now I

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Speaker 1: can leave everything behind. Now it's time to sleep, sleep,

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Speaker 1: and we go to sleep. Right. It doesn't work that

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Speaker 1: way with you, guys, so we have to learn skills

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Speaker 1: in order to communicate effectively. Knowing that we have different brains,

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Speaker 1: we can literally be like I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm

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Speaker 1: busy on board at all. At the same time, there's

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Speaker 1: there's something my wife says all the time, all the things.

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Speaker 1: That's what she said. So we go to a restaurant.

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Speaker 1: We go to a restaurant. We sit down, like, babe,

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Speaker 1: do you know what you want? She's like all the things,

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Speaker 1: all like I want these four appetizers and these three

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Speaker 1: entrees and six pounds. You're not pounding that and then

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Speaker 1: eat your food? Yeah, And then she want mine comes

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Speaker 1: to and ordered the same thing for twenty years at

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Speaker 1: the same place, and she always looks to be adventurous,

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Speaker 1: and then she orders stuff that looks great, and then

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Speaker 1: she envisions how it's going to look, and then it

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Speaker 1: comes and doesn't look like joy and the pain of

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Speaker 1: men and women. It's a beautiful thing. It adds. It

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Speaker 1: adds for men, I believe it adds. Yeah, it adds

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Speaker 1: vibrance and color and like just variation to our life.

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Speaker 1: And look, I shouldn't out this, but I was dealing

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Speaker 1: with a little bit of a broken heart. So I

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Speaker 1: called Rick one of our co hosts, and I had

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Speaker 1: called him a few days in a row to talk

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Speaker 1: about my broken heart, and finally he was like, Amy,

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Speaker 1: I have to coach water polo, coach baseball. Although the

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Speaker 1: car cooked dinner, I don't have time for this with you.

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Speaker 1: And it was like, but I get it, like he

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Speaker 1: had his things going and I was just one more

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Speaker 1: thing throwing him off. But you also want and I'm like,

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Speaker 1: he just felt at the little girl with the broken heart,

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Speaker 1: but you know he saw it very differently. Well, yeah,

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Speaker 1: back to Brooks. What you were just saying, no about

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Speaker 1: it's not about the blueberries, right, or it's not about

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Speaker 1: the glue stick. Why is this man being locked out

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Speaker 1: of his house over gluestick? Right? So when I spoke

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Speaker 1: to his his partner, she said to me, I've been

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Speaker 1: working for three weeks on a homework project for our

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Speaker 1: kid where we went to the library, we xerox copied

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Speaker 1: pictures of Albert Einstein, cut them out, did the captions,

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Speaker 1: put them in order, worked on the book, report, got

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Speaker 1: the costume because this kid had to be impersonating Albert Einstein.

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Speaker 1: All I needed was just that one thing, the glue stick. No, well,

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Speaker 1: she did she but she she texted in the middle

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Speaker 1: of the day, and so this is what was happening

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Speaker 1: right when I. So men were saying this all the time, right,

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Speaker 1: I'm getting these So I ended up calling it the rat.

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Speaker 1: And what I realized was happening. The number one thing

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Speaker 1: men were telling me they were frustrated about with home

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Speaker 1: life was this idea of nagging. So what is nagging?

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Speaker 1: It's the rat. It's the random assignment of a task.

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Speaker 1: Get me tampons, Go get me a glue stick, go

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Speaker 1: back to the store. From the point, because men, if

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Speaker 1: they want something, we'll just go do it. Well, I

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Speaker 1: won't ask him to go do I won't ask Gavin

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Speaker 1: to go do something for me. I'll just go do it. Well.

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Speaker 1: That's exactly what fair plays about, because I found that

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Speaker 1: with men that when they get ownership, everything changed. She'll

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Speaker 1: just let me tell you one last thing about the

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Speaker 1: system and then we can go into it. Everything you

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Speaker 1: need to know about the way the system works. And

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Speaker 1: it's based, like I said, a lot of data for men.

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Speaker 1: Most of the experts actually in my book are men.

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Speaker 1: Um It was about mustard and I'll explain what I mean.

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Speaker 1: So somebody has to know eventually that your second son,

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Speaker 1: Johnny likes french Is yellow mustard. That's the only way

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Speaker 1: he eats protein. He dips his his mustard, you know,

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Speaker 1: his protein and mustard. That's what I call conception. This

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Speaker 1: is a business concept. Conception. Then somebody has to notice

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Speaker 1: that the mustards running low and put it on a

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Speaker 1: list with other groceries for the week. That's what I

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Speaker 1: call planning. That's another business concept. Then someone has to

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Speaker 1: get their butt to the store to buy the French's

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Speaker 1: yellow mustard. That's in my data where men came in.

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Speaker 1: They stepped in at the execution, and it was always

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Speaker 1: a problem because that you come home with spicy dijon,

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Speaker 1: you come home with a nasty mustard with the seeds

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Speaker 1: in it. And so men all over the country were

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Speaker 1: saying to me, I'm not doing anything for my wife

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Speaker 1: anymore because every time I bring home the mustard, it's

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Speaker 1: always wrong. And women are saying to me, ready to burst,

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Speaker 1: okay one second, and then women are saying to me,

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Speaker 1: last thing, I'll just finish my little round thing. Women

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Speaker 1: are saying to me, Eve, you want me to trust

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Speaker 1: him with my state planning. He can't even bring home

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Speaker 1: the right type of mustard. So that becomes brooks. Like

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Speaker 1: you said, not about mustard, not about blueberries, but trust

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Speaker 1: what it is. But it's about trust, the trust cycle.

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Speaker 1: Can we go down and take into a trust cycle?

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Speaker 1: It's it's it's comes. What do you think it's about? Okay,

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Speaker 1: we have the same My wife always brings up the

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Speaker 1: same very this very example about orange juice with it

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Speaker 1: without pulp. She always brings that that up. See, the

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Speaker 1: thing is this, wait, wait, are you do you bring

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Speaker 1: home the right type of orange juices? Or were you criticize? No, no,

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Speaker 1: I want to hear that. Do you have a do

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Speaker 1: you have a spicy dijon situation? Okay? So we tell

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Speaker 1: me how every day. Okay, but tell me tell me

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Speaker 1: a little bit about those okay. Well, the text message,

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Speaker 1: she she she likes to involve me in group text messages.

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Speaker 1: You hate, I hate myself. I never I never pull

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Speaker 1: into things where I can handle it. Wants to be inclusive.

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Speaker 1: And then she wants to put me in a text

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Speaker 1: message and say hi to some people that are doing

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Speaker 1: some stuff for us at the house and and yes

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Speaker 1: he's coming to the house tomorrow, so just and then

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Speaker 1: she texts me individually and says, just send, just text

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Speaker 1: into the chin, just chime, just chime in, and just

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Speaker 1: say that you will You're happy to see them tomorrow.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, and then I say great to see

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Speaker 1: you tomorrow. And then she calls. Did you say that?

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00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:39,400
Speaker 1: You should have said that if they want anything, they

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Speaker 1: can call you. And why did you say? And I'm

404
00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:45,720
Speaker 1: like you, I'm here board, meeting sixteen things and you

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Speaker 1: text me this. I thought I was helping Cleario. Wasn't.

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Speaker 1: So don't put don't don't just don't. Don't pull me

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Speaker 1: into the situation. If you have to monitor and control

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Speaker 1: every single word that I tell or or texted for me,

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Speaker 1: I'll copy it and I not texting myself. I love it,

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Speaker 1: but I'm still more interested in the orange shoes non

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Speaker 1: pulpe versus pope. How did you have the conversations? Okay,

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Speaker 1: that's what's happening. We're fighting over. Does that sound like

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Speaker 1: you want to get married? It's not the problem. It's

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Speaker 1: not about that man. Don't get married. It's not a

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00:22:18,560 --> 00:22:21,720
Speaker 1: pulp it's not about the problem. Don't worry about it's

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00:22:21,840 --> 00:22:26,040
Speaker 1: it's about effective communication, right, And the problem is, and

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Speaker 1: I keep reminding my wife about this too, when she

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Speaker 1: tells me that Sophie was wearing the wrong outfit to

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Speaker 1: the dance or to the this out of the ask,

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Speaker 1: and that that Nicholas should have I should have get

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Speaker 1: the hair product and put it. We became parents the

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Speaker 1: exact same time, the exact same moment. We became parents. Right.

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Speaker 1: The notion that people who get married become one is bullshit,

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Speaker 1: don't believe it. Yes, you coordinate, you collaborate, your synogize you,

425
00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:57,000
Speaker 1: it's more fun to do together. Great, you will always

426
00:22:57,000 --> 00:23:00,119
Speaker 1: remain individuals, and therefore you have paradigms that anchor it

427
00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:02,399
Speaker 1: in your hard drive, which is a subconscious mind that

428
00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:05,960
Speaker 1: will not change, will not change. That's from zero to

429
00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:08,600
Speaker 1: seven years. A lot of information is put in a

430
00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:11,119
Speaker 1: hard drive and then it's done. Right, So I'm the

431
00:23:11,160 --> 00:23:13,160
Speaker 1: person who I am because of what happened the first

432
00:23:13,160 --> 00:23:15,520
Speaker 1: seven years of my life. Same with you, right, So

433
00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:17,760
Speaker 1: that's never gonna change. So all we can do is

434
00:23:17,920 --> 00:23:21,760
Speaker 1: learn each other's dance steps, which is the execution that's

435
00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:24,760
Speaker 1: based on the paradigms that we have been taught when

436
00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:27,600
Speaker 1: we're zero to seven years old. Right, So we have

437
00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:30,800
Speaker 1: to learn how to effectively communicate around those paradigms that

438
00:23:30,840 --> 00:23:33,760
Speaker 1: have made us who we are, and it won't change.

439
00:23:34,640 --> 00:23:37,119
Speaker 1: So the fact that we became parents the same exact

440
00:23:37,119 --> 00:23:40,119
Speaker 1: time means that I will do things my way and

441
00:23:40,160 --> 00:23:42,919
Speaker 1: it won't change. Because I'm a great father. I'm a

442
00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:45,800
Speaker 1: hell of a father, I'm present, I'm there, I do

443
00:23:45,880 --> 00:23:49,800
Speaker 1: everything great father, and I will continue to do things

444
00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:54,560
Speaker 1: the way I do things. Sometimes my wife doesn't like

445
00:23:54,640 --> 00:23:57,240
Speaker 1: the way I brush my teeth. Sometimes she doesn't like

446
00:23:57,280 --> 00:23:59,000
Speaker 1: the way I chew my food. Sometimes she doesn't like

447
00:24:00,040 --> 00:24:03,399
Speaker 1: great It happens on both sides, But I, for some reason,

448
00:24:03,440 --> 00:24:07,800
Speaker 1: men have the capacity to accept who their wife is

449
00:24:07,880 --> 00:24:11,280
Speaker 1: and the way she does things, even the things that

450
00:24:11,320 --> 00:24:15,960
Speaker 1: she tells us to do right vice versa never doesn't happen.

451
00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:24,479
Speaker 1: Disagree with that, but this is the problem. So I

452
00:24:24,560 --> 00:24:28,600
Speaker 1: had a boyfriend spent the night the other night. Girl, Well,

453
00:24:33,480 --> 00:24:36,720
Speaker 1: what's the point of spending that doesn't matter? So he

454
00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:40,000
Speaker 1: used my toothpaste, and the way he squeezed the tube

455
00:24:40,800 --> 00:24:42,880
Speaker 1: freaking bizarre to me that I had to go back

456
00:24:42,880 --> 00:24:47,200
Speaker 1: in and smooth out the tube, and I thought, whip,

457
00:24:47,800 --> 00:24:50,280
Speaker 1: Could I live with this? Could I live with this?

458
00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:52,639
Speaker 1: And then I thought I guess I would just undo

459
00:24:52,720 --> 00:24:55,360
Speaker 1: the tube every day different Now you wouldn't do that.

460
00:24:55,720 --> 00:24:58,080
Speaker 1: You just get resentful and you'd finally end up dumping

461
00:24:58,640 --> 00:25:01,320
Speaker 1: stuff on your husband's pillow when he forgets to take

462
00:25:01,359 --> 00:25:06,639
Speaker 1: out toothpaste. Hold on, we need to take a break.

463
00:25:06,680 --> 00:25:09,720
Speaker 1: I'm gonna get to that and this whole conversation because Gavin,

464
00:25:09,760 --> 00:25:11,920
Speaker 1: I had just been listening here, this is really interesting.

465
00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:13,720
Speaker 1: Let's take a break first. We'll come back and set

466
00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:23,200
Speaker 1: back from break. This brooks like in a studio even

467
00:25:23,200 --> 00:25:26,200
Speaker 1: though you haven't heard him yet. We got my buddy,

468
00:25:26,200 --> 00:25:28,600
Speaker 1: Gavin DeGraw, We got even Boris with this, and we

469
00:25:28,640 --> 00:25:31,679
Speaker 1: have a This is one of our most polarizing debates

470
00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:33,720
Speaker 1: that we've ever had. I love that we have different

471
00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:36,240
Speaker 1: energies coming from different sides of us. Now to touch

472
00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:39,760
Speaker 1: on just listening. My thoughts here is I'm listening to

473
00:25:39,800 --> 00:25:42,199
Speaker 1: you Amy about the toothpaste, and I'm listening to you

474
00:25:42,240 --> 00:25:44,320
Speaker 1: Eve about wanting to know from Boris the pulp or

475
00:25:44,359 --> 00:25:47,840
Speaker 1: no pulp. My thoughts when I'm listening to this discussion

476
00:25:47,920 --> 00:25:52,199
Speaker 1: is I go to the macro level we live in

477
00:25:52,280 --> 00:25:57,760
Speaker 1: for the a very fortunate country. We're very fortunate people.

478
00:25:57,840 --> 00:26:01,320
Speaker 1: You can afford toothpaste. You can afford the choice between

479
00:26:01,359 --> 00:26:03,520
Speaker 1: pulp or no pulpe. We live in a country where

480
00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:07,120
Speaker 1: you can go to a store that provides it for you,

481
00:26:07,240 --> 00:26:08,560
Speaker 1: and all you have to do is give them a

482
00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:11,280
Speaker 1: little money for it. Like when I when I hear

483
00:26:11,400 --> 00:26:14,520
Speaker 1: these things and that we're bickering over them, and that

484
00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:18,040
Speaker 1: families bicker over them, and that your husband says, where's

485
00:26:18,119 --> 00:26:19,760
Speaker 1: the blue bear, I'm surprised you didn't get blue bear?

486
00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:24,399
Speaker 1: The fuck cares? You are so fortunate to be living

487
00:26:24,480 --> 00:26:27,760
Speaker 1: in the United States of America, with the people around us,

488
00:26:27,760 --> 00:26:29,480
Speaker 1: the loved ones that we have, that I can't even

489
00:26:29,560 --> 00:26:31,919
Speaker 1: really engage in this, that I don't even know what

490
00:26:31,960 --> 00:26:33,720
Speaker 1: to do with this, to be in the United States

491
00:26:33,720 --> 00:26:36,880
Speaker 1: not paying Canadian taxes now what you meant to say.

492
00:26:37,760 --> 00:26:47,760
Speaker 1: But also so that's for I have another thought of

493
00:26:47,800 --> 00:26:50,600
Speaker 1: this now. Now, the other side of this is, and

494
00:26:50,640 --> 00:26:57,359
Speaker 1: I've learned this through being, are and women of color paid. Okay,

495
00:26:57,440 --> 00:26:59,440
Speaker 1: So the other side of this is that I've learned

496
00:26:59,440 --> 00:27:06,119
Speaker 1: this through being is that details matter immensely, especially to

497
00:27:06,840 --> 00:27:10,919
Speaker 1: my wife to females. So whether how the toothpaste is

498
00:27:10,960 --> 00:27:12,399
Speaker 1: like that was an issue from my wife. She's like,

499
00:27:12,440 --> 00:27:14,880
Speaker 1: can you put the toothpaste in the drawer? And I'm like,

500
00:27:15,320 --> 00:27:16,960
Speaker 1: you're going to bed right now. The lights are gonna

501
00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:18,879
Speaker 1: be out for nine hours. I'm gonna be up before

502
00:27:18,920 --> 00:27:21,200
Speaker 1: you come back. I'm gonna use that toothpaste before you're

503
00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:24,399
Speaker 1: ever going to see it again. But I was like,

504
00:27:24,680 --> 00:27:27,520
Speaker 1: you think that, No, I said that. I said I

505
00:27:27,520 --> 00:27:29,400
Speaker 1: said that, And I'm like, why does it matter that's

506
00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:31,240
Speaker 1: in the drawer, And she's like, it just matters. It's

507
00:27:31,280 --> 00:27:33,960
Speaker 1: just like I just wanted in the drawer. And I'm like,

508
00:27:34,720 --> 00:27:37,000
Speaker 1: we have that conversation the first two years, and then

509
00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:39,760
Speaker 1: we stopped, and then we don't have the conversation more

510
00:27:40,080 --> 00:27:44,440
Speaker 1: because you just now resentment. No, she she keeps bringing

511
00:27:44,440 --> 00:27:47,720
Speaker 1: it up. But we just swallowed and we go, you're right, okay, okay.

512
00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:50,000
Speaker 1: And that's when the man goes into the couch. And

513
00:27:50,040 --> 00:27:52,439
Speaker 1: that's when the man that's when the man settles on

514
00:27:52,480 --> 00:27:54,720
Speaker 1: the couch, and that's he won't get up anymore. Because

515
00:27:54,960 --> 00:27:57,080
Speaker 1: every time we attempt to do something, our way we're

516
00:27:57,080 --> 00:28:00,720
Speaker 1: being told is the wrong way. So that's that's the

517
00:28:01,480 --> 00:28:04,000
Speaker 1: whole we are. We are on the bench, we are

518
00:28:04,040 --> 00:28:06,520
Speaker 1: on the couch, and that's where we stay for the remainder.

519
00:28:06,680 --> 00:28:09,680
Speaker 1: That's when he starts texting someone else. Well, I found

520
00:28:09,720 --> 00:28:15,520
Speaker 1: a lot of actually anything. That's what I will say

521
00:28:15,560 --> 00:28:20,080
Speaker 1: that nagging men, men who were saying that they were nagged. Right.

522
00:28:20,840 --> 00:28:23,840
Speaker 1: I also did that to my wife. And of course,

523
00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:26,800
Speaker 1: put your coffee instead of in the in the sink,

524
00:28:26,880 --> 00:28:30,080
Speaker 1: can you put it in aswasher? That's six away. But

525
00:28:30,160 --> 00:28:32,080
Speaker 1: this is the thing, like what you said about being fortunate,

526
00:28:32,480 --> 00:28:34,960
Speaker 1: We are fortunate, right, And this is why I just

527
00:28:34,960 --> 00:28:38,920
Speaker 1: wrote an artifiction about course did fortunate. But this is

528
00:28:38,960 --> 00:28:40,880
Speaker 1: the thing I talk about this in Harper's this Week

529
00:28:41,120 --> 00:28:43,920
Speaker 1: that this is the real midlife crisis. This is the

530
00:28:43,920 --> 00:28:46,760
Speaker 1: real midlife crisis. You think it's about breast implants or

531
00:28:46,840 --> 00:28:49,400
Speaker 1: green Ferrari. And I'm saying this for you, Kevin, because

532
00:28:49,640 --> 00:28:54,680
Speaker 1: you right, but but I do have breast implants, okay,

533
00:28:54,480 --> 00:28:59,120
Speaker 1: and and you're and they look really good right now.

534
00:29:00,160 --> 00:29:03,040
Speaker 1: The real midlife crisis is like what happens right when

535
00:29:03,040 --> 00:29:05,120
Speaker 1: you're in midlife and the person who's supposed to love

536
00:29:05,120 --> 00:29:07,400
Speaker 1: you the most ends up presenting you the most over

537
00:29:07,440 --> 00:29:10,920
Speaker 1: this bullshit, right, And it is because of communication. I

538
00:29:10,920 --> 00:29:12,360
Speaker 1: had a woman who said to me, this is about

539
00:29:12,360 --> 00:29:14,800
Speaker 1: how women communicate, and maybe it's different for men because

540
00:29:14,840 --> 00:29:16,240
Speaker 1: you would be willing to come to the table. And

541
00:29:16,240 --> 00:29:18,320
Speaker 1: that's why Fair plays my love letter to men, because

542
00:29:18,360 --> 00:29:20,120
Speaker 1: when you think in systems, which is this book is

543
00:29:20,160 --> 00:29:22,880
Speaker 1: about any man. So a man who plays sports said

544
00:29:22,880 --> 00:29:25,920
Speaker 1: to me, I love systems because I watched sports and

545
00:29:25,960 --> 00:29:27,800
Speaker 1: I play sports, and I would never put my point

546
00:29:27,840 --> 00:29:30,080
Speaker 1: guard in as my center. Right, you know your role.

547
00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:32,320
Speaker 1: So it's all about knowing your role. But to get there,

548
00:29:32,320 --> 00:29:34,680
Speaker 1: you have to communicate. And one thing, I'll just end up.

549
00:29:34,720 --> 00:29:37,320
Speaker 1: I'll just no, no, no. Then you want us to

550
00:29:37,320 --> 00:29:41,000
Speaker 1: be spontaneous and advance. I don't. I don't actually spontaneous

551
00:29:41,800 --> 00:29:44,160
Speaker 1: comes out of systems. No, but it doesn't. I don't

552
00:29:44,160 --> 00:29:46,080
Speaker 1: really have to tell you to do it. I want

553
00:29:45,560 --> 00:29:48,280
Speaker 1: to all women say that women say, and the time

554
00:29:48,320 --> 00:29:49,880
Speaker 1: it takes you to figure it out, I could just

555
00:29:49,920 --> 00:29:54,040
Speaker 1: do it myself. Right, That is completely counterintun but it

556
00:29:54,120 --> 00:30:01,920
Speaker 1: is not. It is cultural gener is that it seems

557
00:30:01,960 --> 00:30:06,880
Speaker 1: to be acceptable in Western civilization for men to be

558
00:30:06,920 --> 00:30:12,240
Speaker 1: browbeaten in conversation. I would never do that. It's almost

559
00:30:12,240 --> 00:30:15,120
Speaker 1: like the conversation that you let off with started with

560
00:30:15,160 --> 00:30:19,440
Speaker 1: a browbeating on the husband and like, just look at

561
00:30:19,440 --> 00:30:24,040
Speaker 1: our entertainment. Every single sitcom is based off of the honeymoon,

562
00:30:24,840 --> 00:30:29,600
Speaker 1: which is what the guy some sort of a dunce

563
00:30:29,680 --> 00:30:31,840
Speaker 1: and the wife always knows better than him, and he's

564
00:30:31,840 --> 00:30:34,680
Speaker 1: an idiot, and his best friends an absolute moron too,

565
00:30:35,040 --> 00:30:38,160
Speaker 1: and it's, you know, the same, the same formula on

566
00:30:38,280 --> 00:30:42,080
Speaker 1: every single show. So we're sold this sort of idea

567
00:30:42,160 --> 00:30:45,680
Speaker 1: that sort of made this has created these these these

568
00:30:45,720 --> 00:30:49,760
Speaker 1: preconceptions going into marriages. I think that we're taking Hollywood

569
00:30:49,800 --> 00:30:52,280
Speaker 1: to heart when we go into these relationships. I think

570
00:30:52,600 --> 00:30:55,120
Speaker 1: women are looking at their men like they're these incapable

571
00:30:55,200 --> 00:30:59,600
Speaker 1: morons who hang out on the couch because they're not

572
00:30:59,640 --> 00:31:03,400
Speaker 1: thinking sensitive enough, when actually all they're saying is all right, relax,

573
00:31:03,480 --> 00:31:05,040
Speaker 1: I'll get to it in an hour and a half,

574
00:31:05,160 --> 00:31:06,959
Speaker 1: or like I gotta I just got out of work too,

575
00:31:07,680 --> 00:31:10,360
Speaker 1: I'll fix the dishwasher tomorrow. Well, I think that's right,

576
00:31:10,440 --> 00:31:11,959
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. I know, and women were

577
00:31:12,000 --> 00:31:14,760
Speaker 1: even saying to me worse than that, So I agree.

578
00:31:14,760 --> 00:31:16,120
Speaker 1: I think there is a lot of there is a

579
00:31:16,160 --> 00:31:18,880
Speaker 1: lot of man shaming, especially a lot of a lot

580
00:31:18,920 --> 00:31:21,000
Speaker 1: of man shaming, and and so I think that's no.

581
00:31:21,120 --> 00:31:23,479
Speaker 1: I think that's correct. And so when you look at

582
00:31:23,480 --> 00:31:25,240
Speaker 1: something is a system though, where you know your role

583
00:31:25,240 --> 00:31:28,160
Speaker 1: and you have explicitly defined expectations. There is not man

584
00:31:28,200 --> 00:31:31,120
Speaker 1: shaming because men also do invisible work that women don't see.

585
00:31:31,920 --> 00:31:34,200
Speaker 1: But women were saying things to me even worse. They

586
00:31:34,200 --> 00:31:37,240
Speaker 1: were saying, my husband doesn't have the brain to wash

587
00:31:37,280 --> 00:31:40,040
Speaker 1: the dishes. Literally, they were saying to me that he

588
00:31:40,040 --> 00:31:43,280
Speaker 1: can't even multitask. You know, I do. I don't think

589
00:31:45,160 --> 00:31:50,400
Speaker 1: talk that in that caddy way about women. It doesn't happen.

590
00:31:50,480 --> 00:31:53,320
Speaker 1: But I appreciate that that's not what we do. Men

591
00:31:53,320 --> 00:31:57,040
Speaker 1: are really private about their relationships. But and so what

592
00:31:57,200 --> 00:32:00,280
Speaker 1: we're trying not to shame. I think for some reason,

593
00:32:00,400 --> 00:32:03,560
Speaker 1: I hear a lot more shaming about men between women

594
00:32:03,640 --> 00:32:06,480
Speaker 1: than shaming about women between men. Well, I love that,

595
00:32:06,560 --> 00:32:09,760
Speaker 1: so thank you men. I think that's I think that

596
00:32:09,800 --> 00:32:12,960
Speaker 1: we're innately we like to hang out and we like

597
00:32:13,040 --> 00:32:16,080
Speaker 1: to both with each other, but we're very private. I

598
00:32:16,120 --> 00:32:18,400
Speaker 1: think that bad our relationships, which is a good thing.

599
00:32:19,000 --> 00:32:20,760
Speaker 1: It can be a good thing. What if I tell

600
00:32:20,800 --> 00:32:22,760
Speaker 1: you that I went to the top neuroscientists though in

601
00:32:22,760 --> 00:32:25,719
Speaker 1: the country, right to find out whether women are wired differently,

602
00:32:25,760 --> 00:32:29,320
Speaker 1: if we're better multitaskers, right, and so this one and

603
00:32:29,360 --> 00:32:32,720
Speaker 1: the first of all obviously the answers, No, men have

604
00:32:32,920 --> 00:32:36,720
Speaker 1: just as great executive function and multitasking abilities as women do,

605
00:32:37,440 --> 00:32:41,680
Speaker 1: and even better everything. You're you're better, you're you're not

606
00:32:41,760 --> 00:32:47,640
Speaker 1: better at multitasking. But but but you are just as

607
00:32:47,640 --> 00:32:52,960
Speaker 1: good as that are good as it is a serious subject,

608
00:32:53,560 --> 00:32:57,400
Speaker 1: it is seriously, of course it is different. We totally do.

609
00:32:57,480 --> 00:32:59,560
Speaker 1: But you know, I want to say one thing too.

610
00:33:00,120 --> 00:33:04,160
Speaker 1: It starts much because it starts. It starts with numbers.

611
00:33:04,360 --> 00:33:08,800
Speaker 1: It starts you know, women out number men. Okay, So

612
00:33:08,800 --> 00:33:11,320
Speaker 1: so in terms of eligible women and eligible men, women

613
00:33:11,440 --> 00:33:16,280
Speaker 1: out number men. So your pool of of eligible men

614
00:33:16,360 --> 00:33:18,960
Speaker 1: is much smaller than my pool of eligible women when

615
00:33:18,960 --> 00:33:21,680
Speaker 1: we start dating. That's where it starts, right, So, so

616
00:33:22,000 --> 00:33:26,520
Speaker 1: you're more likely to compromise on your values and principles

617
00:33:26,520 --> 00:33:29,360
Speaker 1: when you're picking your mate. Then what if we do

618
00:33:29,440 --> 00:33:32,640
Speaker 1: it as men? So that's where it starts, and that's

619
00:33:32,640 --> 00:33:38,320
Speaker 1: why women are more likely to accept a mate giving

620
00:33:38,560 --> 00:33:41,560
Speaker 1: the potential that he brings to the table. Whereas we

621
00:33:41,600 --> 00:33:44,400
Speaker 1: look at women said, if she's not all that right

622
00:33:44,440 --> 00:33:46,880
Speaker 1: then and there we don't we don't want it. So

623
00:33:46,920 --> 00:33:50,800
Speaker 1: that's where the show starts because you're already compromising before

624
00:33:50,800 --> 00:33:52,720
Speaker 1: you even step to the to the to the what

625
00:33:52,840 --> 00:33:54,480
Speaker 1: is it called podium? But where do you get married?

626
00:33:57,440 --> 00:34:00,200
Speaker 1: You're already compromising and already in your brain, and your

627
00:34:00,200 --> 00:34:03,040
Speaker 1: brain starts working about how to improve the situation. What

628
00:34:03,040 --> 00:34:05,640
Speaker 1: it really means is how to better him. Right, So

629
00:34:05,960 --> 00:34:09,040
Speaker 1: that's where the communication starts being. But I didn't compromise.

630
00:34:09,440 --> 00:34:13,800
Speaker 1: My husband was literally perfect before we had kids, perfect

631
00:34:13,840 --> 00:34:20,360
Speaker 1: and perfect well statistically, well, what happens, right, is this

632
00:34:20,480 --> 00:34:24,000
Speaker 1: invisible layer of keeps growing and growing and growing, and

633
00:34:24,040 --> 00:34:27,239
Speaker 1: you stopped communicating. You stop communicating. That's what happens. And

634
00:34:27,280 --> 00:34:29,200
Speaker 1: what happened. Then I had a woman say to me,

635
00:34:29,800 --> 00:34:32,560
Speaker 1: I can't communicate with my husband. It's so sad. Women

636
00:34:32,600 --> 00:34:34,160
Speaker 1: all over this country don't feel like they can talk

637
00:34:34,160 --> 00:34:35,840
Speaker 1: to you men about these things. Because I had to

638
00:34:35,840 --> 00:34:38,839
Speaker 1: write you a damn paperless post in my book because

639
00:34:38,840 --> 00:34:41,080
Speaker 1: they were afree to bring up these conversations. And woman said,

640
00:34:41,080 --> 00:34:42,279
Speaker 1: I will never bring it up. And then you know

641
00:34:42,280 --> 00:34:45,080
Speaker 1: what she tells me twenty minutes later, and ironically, the

642
00:34:45,120 --> 00:34:47,080
Speaker 1: same woman who says she could never talk to her

643
00:34:47,160 --> 00:34:50,000
Speaker 1: husband about doing more in the home or the fact

644
00:34:50,000 --> 00:34:52,680
Speaker 1: that she would like him to maybe move the toothpaste

645
00:34:52,760 --> 00:34:56,600
Speaker 1: or help her with the transporting of her kids. Twenty

646
00:34:56,600 --> 00:34:59,240
Speaker 1: minutes later in the conversation, she says back to man jaming,

647
00:34:59,760 --> 00:35:02,640
Speaker 1: she dumps wet clothes on his pillow when he forgets

648
00:35:02,640 --> 00:35:04,279
Speaker 1: to take him out of the wash and put him

649
00:35:04,280 --> 00:35:06,920
Speaker 1: in the dryer. I mean that I have a woman

650
00:35:06,920 --> 00:35:09,319
Speaker 1: who's locking her home. I have a woman who locked

651
00:35:09,320 --> 00:35:10,960
Speaker 1: her home, as you said, locked her husband out of

652
00:35:10,960 --> 00:35:14,120
Speaker 1: our glue stick. Another woman's telling me, are people getting married?

653
00:35:15,000 --> 00:35:17,799
Speaker 1: How about this? What about how do you get married?

654
00:35:19,600 --> 00:35:22,000
Speaker 1: But that is the real method, because you said up

655
00:35:22,040 --> 00:35:24,960
Speaker 1: your expectations and your communications early. That's why I had

656
00:35:25,000 --> 00:35:26,759
Speaker 1: to write a book. It's not just a card game.

657
00:35:26,800 --> 00:35:29,240
Speaker 1: It's a book about how you communicate about these things.

658
00:35:29,960 --> 00:35:32,640
Speaker 1: And it took ten years of mediation experience to figure

659
00:35:32,680 --> 00:35:37,279
Speaker 1: it out. I can tell you, yes, well, there's so much.

660
00:35:37,320 --> 00:35:39,720
Speaker 1: There's so much in this, there's so much. You should

661
00:35:39,719 --> 00:35:41,560
Speaker 1: get to put that cup in the sink. If she wants,

662
00:35:42,040 --> 00:35:48,000
Speaker 1: she still does she did yesterday yesterday. I want to

663
00:35:48,040 --> 00:35:49,600
Speaker 1: I want to go back to one thing you said,

664
00:35:50,000 --> 00:35:52,759
Speaker 1: possibility change between the sink and hold on hold It

665
00:35:52,960 --> 00:35:57,080
Speaker 1: is a possibility to change ye of the counterwher done.

666
00:35:57,239 --> 00:36:00,239
Speaker 1: Let's go that's a reasonable person standard. I talked about

667
00:36:00,239 --> 00:36:04,680
Speaker 1: that the book. One thing that really irritates me is

668
00:36:04,719 --> 00:36:09,040
Speaker 1: when somebody says, I can't talk to my husband about this.

669
00:36:09,440 --> 00:36:14,800
Speaker 1: How dare she say what he's capable of? I know

670
00:36:14,920 --> 00:36:17,440
Speaker 1: if my wife says I can't talk to you about this,

671
00:36:17,920 --> 00:36:20,520
Speaker 1: how how dare you limit me and box me in

672
00:36:20,920 --> 00:36:23,240
Speaker 1: that you're the person I love the most in the world,

673
00:36:23,480 --> 00:36:27,120
Speaker 1: that I am not capable of being sensitive to your

674
00:36:27,160 --> 00:36:30,000
Speaker 1: kneeds or just listening. Drop the MIW you want to

675
00:36:30,000 --> 00:36:34,160
Speaker 1: take them and take that clip out listening, don't discount,

676
00:36:34,440 --> 00:36:39,600
Speaker 1: don't discount your men. Maybe may not discount for us

677
00:36:39,640 --> 00:36:41,919
Speaker 1: a little bit because I know and that's a mic drop.

678
00:36:41,960 --> 00:36:44,080
Speaker 1: By the way, if I bring it up, I know

679
00:36:44,239 --> 00:36:46,759
Speaker 1: the answer I will get and it will not go

680
00:36:46,880 --> 00:36:49,560
Speaker 1: well for it. But you hear that, so I think, Amy,

681
00:36:49,719 --> 00:36:55,120
Speaker 1: so multiply that time. But that's what I heard there.

682
00:36:55,239 --> 00:36:59,879
Speaker 1: Afraid to have conversations ex Okay, okay, let's let's say

683
00:37:00,160 --> 00:37:02,279
Speaker 1: this happens, right, You go to your partner and you

684
00:37:02,320 --> 00:37:07,759
Speaker 1: address something and it doesn't go well. Here's here's that that,

685
00:37:08,200 --> 00:37:12,200
Speaker 1: here's the defining moment, the pivotal pivotal point. What do

686
00:37:12,280 --> 00:37:14,400
Speaker 1: you then? What do you do? Then? Right? Do you

687
00:37:14,440 --> 00:37:16,959
Speaker 1: give up? You dump clothing this pillow? Do dump clothing

688
00:37:16,960 --> 00:37:20,840
Speaker 1: his pillow? Make it worse? You you grow resentment? No, no, seriously,

689
00:37:21,080 --> 00:37:28,880
Speaker 1: because because when when when Sylphie was born, we were

690
00:37:28,920 --> 00:37:32,040
Speaker 1: just hot Hollywood couple and Sophie was born and she's

691
00:37:32,040 --> 00:37:37,080
Speaker 1: diagnosed with and we crash and two months into our

692
00:37:37,080 --> 00:37:43,239
Speaker 1: marriage and it's just the most traumatizing crazy I don't

693
00:37:43,280 --> 00:37:49,600
Speaker 1: wish it on anybody. So as an example of adversity challenge, right,

694
00:37:50,000 --> 00:37:53,600
Speaker 1: like communicating, So now we're here with this baby and

695
00:37:53,680 --> 00:37:57,640
Speaker 1: we have no idea what this is and what happens next.

696
00:37:58,360 --> 00:38:01,000
Speaker 1: That that that's the most trauma tizing experience you can

697
00:38:01,000 --> 00:38:06,360
Speaker 1: have PTSD immediately all this stuff. Now, we got help

698
00:38:07,000 --> 00:38:11,360
Speaker 1: and we figured out how to communicate and speak to

699
00:38:11,480 --> 00:38:21,359
Speaker 1: our different approaches in terms of pain, sorrow, um um um, anger, fears, right,

700
00:38:21,400 --> 00:38:26,200
Speaker 1: because we process this thing completely different, because we're different people, right,

701
00:38:26,880 --> 00:38:31,719
Speaker 1: But we didn't let it divide us. We used it

702
00:38:31,960 --> 00:38:37,239
Speaker 1: to eventually became invincible together. Right. And it's the same

703
00:38:37,280 --> 00:38:39,759
Speaker 1: with communication, because that's an example of heightened stakes in

704
00:38:39,800 --> 00:38:42,279
Speaker 1: the communic in in a moment of communication needs right,

705
00:38:42,680 --> 00:38:45,920
Speaker 1: Same with the with the pillow, same with anything else

706
00:38:47,120 --> 00:38:50,160
Speaker 1: that What matters is how do you react when there

707
00:38:50,280 --> 00:38:52,880
Speaker 1: is a lack of communication when there's an issue. Do

708
00:38:53,000 --> 00:38:55,759
Speaker 1: you let us drive you apart? Okay, and because then

709
00:38:55,760 --> 00:38:58,239
Speaker 1: it compounds against worse and worse and worse, or do

710
00:38:58,280 --> 00:39:02,879
Speaker 1: you battle through that moment? Right? You figure out there's

711
00:39:02,920 --> 00:39:05,320
Speaker 1: things that you are on the same same page about,

712
00:39:05,360 --> 00:39:07,319
Speaker 1: which is very important. A lot of people forget that.

713
00:39:07,440 --> 00:39:10,960
Speaker 1: You have to remind each other of. Let's step back

714
00:39:11,239 --> 00:39:13,520
Speaker 1: three paces and say, okay, what do what do we

715
00:39:13,560 --> 00:39:18,880
Speaker 1: agree with? Uh? What do we agree on together? In

716
00:39:18,920 --> 00:39:21,359
Speaker 1: your case with the clothes, it would be clothes need

717
00:39:21,360 --> 00:39:23,160
Speaker 1: to be watched. Okay, we agree on that, we can

718
00:39:23,239 --> 00:39:26,920
Speaker 1: we agree. Let's work our way up from there. Um

719
00:39:26,960 --> 00:39:31,120
Speaker 1: So in this coin, I'm from another country. Um by

720
00:39:31,200 --> 00:39:34,000
Speaker 1: now you've probably heard it, but I'm from Germany. So

721
00:39:34,000 --> 00:39:36,560
Speaker 1: so it's the culture is very different over there. It's

722
00:39:36,920 --> 00:39:40,600
Speaker 1: everything is very different. And here there's this This is

723
00:39:40,640 --> 00:39:44,040
Speaker 1: we live in this instant society where everything is instantaneously,

724
00:39:44,080 --> 00:39:47,680
Speaker 1: has to be instantaneously. Everything is hyper sensitive, everything is

725
00:39:47,760 --> 00:39:50,520
Speaker 1: hyper competitive. It's like you got to maximize your potential

726
00:39:50,719 --> 00:39:52,480
Speaker 1: at all. You've gotta be the birst you. You gotta

727
00:39:52,520 --> 00:39:55,120
Speaker 1: be the birth. Like it's NonStop here and people killing

728
00:39:55,160 --> 00:39:58,279
Speaker 1: themselves for it. Um. And it's the same with the relationships.

729
00:39:58,320 --> 00:39:59,919
Speaker 1: It's like, if it doesn't work right now, we've gotta

730
00:40:00,040 --> 00:40:10,799
Speaker 1: right away, we're gonna we just got this plastic bottle this. Yeah, absolutely,

731
00:40:11,040 --> 00:40:15,040
Speaker 1: and I agree we we have. There's there's certain blessings

732
00:40:15,040 --> 00:40:16,719
Speaker 1: and stuff that we have here and then there's a

733
00:40:16,800 --> 00:40:20,000
Speaker 1: lot of curses about what this is right now, especially

734
00:40:20,280 --> 00:40:24,200
Speaker 1: in this country. But communication is another example of in

735
00:40:24,239 --> 00:40:28,520
Speaker 1: this throwaway society, we are very very fast to give up,

736
00:40:28,600 --> 00:40:32,680
Speaker 1: to walk away, to run for the hills, and and

737
00:40:32,680 --> 00:40:37,840
Speaker 1: and in marriage, what's so precious is to use those

738
00:40:37,920 --> 00:40:40,160
Speaker 1: moments and those challenges in order to grow and to

739
00:40:40,200 --> 00:40:42,840
Speaker 1: be able to grow as individual and also grow together.

740
00:40:43,520 --> 00:40:46,440
Speaker 1: And and that's what I always remind my friends off

741
00:40:47,200 --> 00:40:50,160
Speaker 1: when they asked me for our secret, I always say,

742
00:40:50,360 --> 00:40:55,080
Speaker 1: we we give each other the space and the opportunity

743
00:40:55,200 --> 00:40:58,600
Speaker 1: to suck up. That's what it is. We give each

744
00:40:58,600 --> 00:41:02,640
Speaker 1: other the opportunity up, and we don't turn our backs

745
00:41:02,640 --> 00:41:05,600
Speaker 1: and we don't run away, and you give each other that. Yeah,

746
00:41:05,680 --> 00:41:07,640
Speaker 1: But you also sounds like you give each other permission

747
00:41:07,680 --> 00:41:10,760
Speaker 1: to actually communicate. Yeah, but it starts with it starts

748
00:41:10,840 --> 00:41:14,759
Speaker 1: with knowing that right now it's not and it's okay,

749
00:41:14,440 --> 00:41:19,239
Speaker 1: that's right, but that is communication. But this is the thing,

750
00:41:19,320 --> 00:41:20,960
Speaker 1: so that what she was telling me, she's dumping the

751
00:41:20,960 --> 00:41:22,560
Speaker 1: clothes on her pill or another woman who said she

752
00:41:22,560 --> 00:41:26,520
Speaker 1: started backed up man shaming Gavin. A woman who again

753
00:41:26,560 --> 00:41:28,439
Speaker 1: said she doesn't want to talk to her spouse about it,

754
00:41:28,480 --> 00:41:30,919
Speaker 1: but she started an Instagram account called my husband doesn't

755
00:41:30,920 --> 00:41:33,719
Speaker 1: pick up and so literally she takes pictures of everything

756
00:41:34,080 --> 00:41:35,960
Speaker 1: that's out of place in their home and she publicly

757
00:41:35,960 --> 00:41:39,640
Speaker 1: shames him on Instagram. Um, this happened in Japan. Literally,

758
00:41:39,760 --> 00:41:42,120
Speaker 1: I don't think peop would believe me. People don't even

759
00:41:42,120 --> 00:41:45,280
Speaker 1: believe me in BuzzFeed just came out with the Japanese

760
00:41:45,400 --> 00:41:48,200
Speaker 1: version and the woman got five hundred thousand followers within

761
00:41:48,280 --> 00:41:50,719
Speaker 1: one week. I guess because she has the Japanese version

762
00:41:50,719 --> 00:41:52,960
Speaker 1: of the ship my husband doesn't pick up? If this

763
00:41:53,000 --> 00:41:58,160
Speaker 1: is how we're communicating, right, this is why we're and

764
00:41:58,200 --> 00:42:00,319
Speaker 1: no husband, right, will you end up a worse do

765
00:42:00,320 --> 00:42:02,759
Speaker 1: you end up resentful? But when you can actually come

766
00:42:02,760 --> 00:42:04,239
Speaker 1: to the table and that's why this is I'm so

767
00:42:04,280 --> 00:42:07,040
Speaker 1: happy Brooks what you said. I'm literally gonna take that

768
00:42:07,040 --> 00:42:09,680
Speaker 1: clip and take it with me everywhere. When women say

769
00:42:09,680 --> 00:42:11,759
Speaker 1: to me, when I go to the out in the

770
00:42:11,760 --> 00:42:14,080
Speaker 1: country and I interviewed people, and I say, play fair, play,

771
00:42:14,120 --> 00:42:16,400
Speaker 1: bring read this book together, bring it to the table.

772
00:42:16,440 --> 00:42:19,080
Speaker 1: Has all the communication tools. It's a system so you

773
00:42:19,120 --> 00:42:21,840
Speaker 1: know your role, so you understand the expectations. You're setting

774
00:42:21,840 --> 00:42:24,560
Speaker 1: yourself up for success. And women say to me, well,

775
00:42:24,560 --> 00:42:26,920
Speaker 1: I can't. I wouldn't even know how to talk to

776
00:42:26,960 --> 00:42:29,400
Speaker 1: my spouse about this, even though I wrote, write you

777
00:42:29,440 --> 00:42:31,080
Speaker 1: the paper lest post. I give you a deck of

778
00:42:31,160 --> 00:42:33,680
Speaker 1: cards so you can have hard values conversations in a

779
00:42:33,760 --> 00:42:36,319
Speaker 1: very fun, easy way. Women are still saying to me

780
00:42:36,360 --> 00:42:39,440
Speaker 1: all over, he wouldn't hear these conversations. He doesn't want

781
00:42:39,440 --> 00:42:42,040
Speaker 1: to know. I'm resentful, he's tired, he doesn't want to

782
00:42:42,040 --> 00:42:44,040
Speaker 1: talk about these things. What do you say to women

783
00:42:44,080 --> 00:42:49,560
Speaker 1: all over when they're afraid? So I'll say this, man,

784
00:42:49,680 --> 00:42:52,839
Speaker 1: we can miss a lot men, we can miss a lot.

785
00:42:52,880 --> 00:42:55,359
Speaker 1: In in my relationship with my wife, I'll miss a

786
00:42:55,400 --> 00:42:59,239
Speaker 1: lot of things, things that meant something to her. I

787
00:42:59,280 --> 00:43:01,680
Speaker 1: didn't know that I should have like had a nicer

788
00:43:01,719 --> 00:43:04,160
Speaker 1: place matt out or I didn't know that that meant

789
00:43:04,239 --> 00:43:06,680
Speaker 1: something to you. I didn't know that having candles lit

790
00:43:06,719 --> 00:43:08,960
Speaker 1: when you came home meant something like I'll miss I'll

791
00:43:09,000 --> 00:43:11,920
Speaker 1: miss a million things in my relationship. But I'll say this.

792
00:43:12,560 --> 00:43:17,799
Speaker 1: Men can move mountains when it comes to their significant

793
00:43:17,800 --> 00:43:21,080
Speaker 1: other when and it's it's select few times they will

794
00:43:21,160 --> 00:43:29,759
Speaker 1: movecking mountains. For they will. There's they are unstoppable when

795
00:43:29,800 --> 00:43:31,560
Speaker 1: they want to and when it's when it's brought to

796
00:43:31,600 --> 00:43:34,200
Speaker 1: them in that So I I apologize I didn't have flowers.

797
00:43:34,200 --> 00:43:36,839
Speaker 1: I apologize I didn't have But when it comes to it,

798
00:43:37,120 --> 00:43:39,560
Speaker 1: if something's important to you, I will move mountains. So

799
00:43:39,600 --> 00:43:42,719
Speaker 1: I'm sorry it wasn't the dijon. I'm like, but I

800
00:43:42,800 --> 00:43:47,440
Speaker 1: am here, and sometimes it takes like it's it's sometimes

801
00:43:47,440 --> 00:43:49,399
Speaker 1: you have to go through a valley to figure that out.

802
00:43:49,440 --> 00:43:51,680
Speaker 1: You have to like communications off, things are off and

803
00:43:51,719 --> 00:43:55,520
Speaker 1: you're not connecting, and then just whatever it is that

804
00:43:55,560 --> 00:43:57,799
Speaker 1: brings it out, Like I just don't want women to

805
00:43:57,840 --> 00:44:01,360
Speaker 1: discount their men because their men love them and something

806
00:44:01,480 --> 00:44:04,800
Speaker 1: there's a reason why whatever it is they're not connecting

807
00:44:04,840 --> 00:44:07,840
Speaker 1: that their man isn't delivering this because boris you know,

808
00:44:07,920 --> 00:44:10,439
Speaker 1: being married, when you're super connected to your wife, you're

809
00:44:10,440 --> 00:44:13,960
Speaker 1: doing every little detailed thing you're like, you get so

810
00:44:14,040 --> 00:44:17,000
Speaker 1: much joy out of it, giving her joy. And then

811
00:44:17,040 --> 00:44:20,400
Speaker 1: when you're not connected to your wife, like really dialed

812
00:44:20,440 --> 00:44:23,160
Speaker 1: in connected, you're not doing all of those things. But

813
00:44:23,239 --> 00:44:25,360
Speaker 1: it doesn't mean that we still aren't capable of it

814
00:44:25,480 --> 00:44:28,680
Speaker 1: and won't move mountains if it's brought to our attention

815
00:44:28,920 --> 00:44:31,759
Speaker 1: and not in a let me dump laundry on your

816
00:44:31,800 --> 00:44:35,560
Speaker 1: pillows makes you up, um, But in a way that's communicated,

817
00:44:36,000 --> 00:44:38,440
Speaker 1: and men are capable. We say this on the show

818
00:44:38,480 --> 00:44:40,719
Speaker 1: a lot too. I think humans need to work on

819
00:44:40,760 --> 00:44:43,719
Speaker 1: the skill of listening. I think it's a powerful thing

820
00:44:43,760 --> 00:44:46,480
Speaker 1: of the skill of listening. And my wife and I

821
00:44:46,600 --> 00:44:51,560
Speaker 1: in our relationship, we say, um, listen to understand, don't

822
00:44:51,680 --> 00:44:54,640
Speaker 1: listen to respond, And I want to read our like

823
00:44:54,680 --> 00:44:57,000
Speaker 1: our wedding song. I have the lyrics from our wedding song.

824
00:44:57,400 --> 00:45:00,200
Speaker 1: Just what you were saying about this, um instagra, Graham

825
00:45:00,200 --> 00:45:03,759
Speaker 1: account stuff he leaves laying around or whatever. Um. This

826
00:45:03,840 --> 00:45:05,480
Speaker 1: is in our wedding song. It's called all this time

827
00:45:05,520 --> 00:45:09,760
Speaker 1: by one republic Um. We've got all these words, can't

828
00:45:09,800 --> 00:45:12,920
Speaker 1: waste them on another. So I'm straight in a straight

829
00:45:12,960 --> 00:45:16,440
Speaker 1: line running back to you. And we picked this song

830
00:45:16,520 --> 00:45:19,000
Speaker 1: because of those words like I can't talk to Gavin

831
00:45:19,000 --> 00:45:22,680
Speaker 1: about something wrong with my wife, like and and complain

832
00:45:22,760 --> 00:45:25,239
Speaker 1: to him. I need straight in a straight line back

833
00:45:25,239 --> 00:45:28,640
Speaker 1: to my wife. I'm not wasting these words on another.

834
00:45:28,800 --> 00:45:31,799
Speaker 1: They're coming to the my heart, They're coming to my

835
00:45:31,920 --> 00:45:34,000
Speaker 1: compass points. I will say that this is what what

836
00:45:34,160 --> 00:45:35,960
Speaker 1: ended up happening after the book came out it's been

837
00:45:35,960 --> 00:45:38,880
Speaker 1: out ten days, was that I got over three emails

838
00:45:38,880 --> 00:45:42,239
Speaker 1: to just info Evrodsky, like not even something that they knew.

839
00:45:42,239 --> 00:45:47,319
Speaker 1: They had to find my name and men saying I

840
00:45:47,400 --> 00:45:50,920
Speaker 1: want these communication tools my my partner. I want to

841
00:45:50,920 --> 00:45:53,000
Speaker 1: play this game. I feel like there's invisible work that

842
00:45:53,080 --> 00:45:55,839
Speaker 1: I'm doing that my wife doesn't know about. I don't

843
00:45:55,840 --> 00:45:58,640
Speaker 1: want her to be at RESENTO meter ten. I want

844
00:45:58,719 --> 00:46:00,279
Speaker 1: us to bring us down. I wanted to work on

845
00:46:00,320 --> 00:46:03,080
Speaker 1: our relationship, and I do feel like I feel that

846
00:46:03,120 --> 00:46:07,600
Speaker 1: way women did to throw away the script that we

847
00:46:07,640 --> 00:46:10,400
Speaker 1: have written. Thank you. We want you to say that

848
00:46:11,040 --> 00:46:13,839
Speaker 1: is the biggest thing that women, in my opinion, need

849
00:46:13,880 --> 00:46:16,440
Speaker 1: to do. We all have that script. If he just

850
00:46:16,560 --> 00:46:19,200
Speaker 1: did this just said that we have to throw that

851
00:46:19,280 --> 00:46:21,879
Speaker 1: burden toss. How about also the other thing, The most

852
00:46:21,920 --> 00:46:23,640
Speaker 1: important thing that I say as a mediator is when

853
00:46:23,640 --> 00:46:27,160
Speaker 1: emotion is high, cognition is low, do not give feedback

854
00:46:27,160 --> 00:46:31,400
Speaker 1: at the moment women men will retreat. That. It is

855
00:46:31,440 --> 00:46:33,400
Speaker 1: just sort of the pattern I see and all of

856
00:46:33,480 --> 00:46:36,840
Speaker 1: my my work, ten years of work doing you retreat.

857
00:46:37,280 --> 00:46:39,239
Speaker 1: Women will go in and they will keep going in

858
00:46:39,320 --> 00:46:42,280
Speaker 1: and feedback in the moment when you can have emotion

859
00:46:42,360 --> 00:46:45,480
Speaker 1: is low cognition is high, that's when you have those conversations.

860
00:46:45,560 --> 00:46:49,280
Speaker 1: But you know what you said, Brooks was phenomenal about

861
00:46:49,280 --> 00:46:52,520
Speaker 1: moving mountains, because what's so pointing about that is that

862
00:46:53,480 --> 00:46:56,120
Speaker 1: men are driven by emotional validation. Women are driven by

863
00:46:56,120 --> 00:47:01,319
Speaker 1: emotional attention. So what that means is that if we

864
00:47:01,480 --> 00:47:07,080
Speaker 1: haven't gotten the acknowledgement or the appreciation from our spouse

865
00:47:07,160 --> 00:47:13,520
Speaker 1: in a while, yeah, because we do move mountains invisible mountains, right,

866
00:47:13,760 --> 00:47:17,000
Speaker 1: We're moving mountains every single day. So if all we

867
00:47:17,120 --> 00:47:20,239
Speaker 1: hear is the yap, yap, yap, and never the honey,

868
00:47:20,239 --> 00:47:23,200
Speaker 1: thank you for this, or wow, this was amazing, we

869
00:47:23,360 --> 00:47:27,680
Speaker 1: completely One of the biggest things to men is acknowledgement.

870
00:47:28,280 --> 00:47:31,960
Speaker 1: They just appreciation. That's how we s that's how we're

871
00:47:32,000 --> 00:47:35,240
Speaker 1: seeing because I believe, like you, you do ten million things.

872
00:47:35,280 --> 00:47:37,480
Speaker 1: I'm sure behind the scenes that your wife isn't even

873
00:47:37,520 --> 00:47:39,000
Speaker 1: aware of it. You made a list. It could be

874
00:47:39,040 --> 00:47:42,680
Speaker 1: ten times the size of that um. But any little

875
00:47:42,800 --> 00:47:49,400
Speaker 1: slightest acknowledgement of you're a good man means the world everything, everything,

876
00:47:49,440 --> 00:47:53,240
Speaker 1: and that could come verbally, it could come in shape

877
00:47:53,239 --> 00:47:58,719
Speaker 1: of a sandwich. You can come just thank you. I love.

878
00:47:59,320 --> 00:48:03,719
Speaker 1: It's huge acknowledgement to a man, he'll move mountains. I can.

879
00:48:03,719 --> 00:48:05,480
Speaker 1: I tell you something interesting though, that I found though

880
00:48:05,520 --> 00:48:08,560
Speaker 1: I tried to introduce gratitude into the system. So this

881
00:48:08,680 --> 00:48:10,279
Speaker 1: the fair place is really about sitting down to talk

882
00:48:10,320 --> 00:48:12,400
Speaker 1: about your values, about these things in the home that matter.

883
00:48:12,640 --> 00:48:14,160
Speaker 1: That's what I mean by that is that we're talking

884
00:48:14,160 --> 00:48:16,440
Speaker 1: about values over garbage. Very similar to what you were

885
00:48:16,440 --> 00:48:20,120
Speaker 1: saying before, about the fact that this is not about

886
00:48:20,880 --> 00:48:23,520
Speaker 1: when we said these small little details. But really it's

887
00:48:23,560 --> 00:48:25,360
Speaker 1: what I came to the table. You're you're saying to

888
00:48:25,360 --> 00:48:27,680
Speaker 1: me before about I come as a single mom with

889
00:48:27,719 --> 00:48:29,640
Speaker 1: all my baggage. You're talking about the years of stuff

890
00:48:29,680 --> 00:48:32,360
Speaker 1: we bring into our relationship. What happens right when you

891
00:48:32,400 --> 00:48:35,480
Speaker 1: sit down, and I forced you through this card game

892
00:48:35,520 --> 00:48:38,400
Speaker 1: to have to have a values conversation over garbage. So

893
00:48:38,440 --> 00:48:40,480
Speaker 1: I'm not fighting with you and saying just take out

894
00:48:40,520 --> 00:48:43,200
Speaker 1: the freaking garbage with no acknowledgement. But I say to

895
00:48:43,239 --> 00:48:46,480
Speaker 1: my partner, I care about garbage. The reason why I'm

896
00:48:46,480 --> 00:48:48,319
Speaker 1: stalking you over garbage and why I keep asking if

897
00:48:48,320 --> 00:48:50,359
Speaker 1: you put the liner back in and seeing if it's

898
00:48:50,440 --> 00:48:52,799
Speaker 1: if it's spilling over is because I grew up in

899
00:48:52,800 --> 00:48:55,120
Speaker 1: that single mom household because it was a lower reset

900
00:48:55,200 --> 00:48:57,480
Speaker 1: in Manhattan, and in the eighties, we didn't have a

901
00:48:57,480 --> 00:48:59,719
Speaker 1: garbage can, and we had one of those take out

902
00:48:59,760 --> 00:49:03,000
Speaker 1: that egs and garbage spilled out over onto the floor,

903
00:49:03,520 --> 00:49:05,719
Speaker 1: and so I was a dehydrated child because if you

904
00:49:05,800 --> 00:49:08,120
Speaker 1: turned on the light in my apartment, there'd be water

905
00:49:08,160 --> 00:49:10,920
Speaker 1: bugs and cockroaches that scattered everywhere. So if I can

906
00:49:10,960 --> 00:49:14,000
Speaker 1: say to you, I'm triggered by garbage, and that's why

907
00:49:14,040 --> 00:49:17,320
Speaker 1: I care if garbage goes out. And then my husband

908
00:49:17,400 --> 00:49:20,400
Speaker 1: when we started communicating better where I wasn't just crying

909
00:49:20,440 --> 00:49:22,640
Speaker 1: and sobbing over blueberries and not telling him, and he

910
00:49:22,680 --> 00:49:24,640
Speaker 1: was very generous and wanted to move mountains for me

911
00:49:25,120 --> 00:49:28,640
Speaker 1: said things to me like, well, I don't value garbage

912
00:49:28,680 --> 00:49:30,080
Speaker 1: the same way you did. I grew up in a fraternity,

913
00:49:30,080 --> 00:49:32,200
Speaker 1: and I lived in the fraternity. I had a Domino's

914
00:49:32,200 --> 00:49:35,399
Speaker 1: pizza boxes my pillow, and so what happens when we're

915
00:49:35,400 --> 00:49:37,520
Speaker 1: at different places. What he said to me finally was

916
00:49:38,000 --> 00:49:40,600
Speaker 1: I care that it means something to you, and I

917
00:49:40,640 --> 00:49:42,640
Speaker 1: see that it mattered to you because of your childhood

918
00:49:42,960 --> 00:49:45,319
Speaker 1: and so, but I also care about what's reasonable. What's

919
00:49:45,360 --> 00:49:47,600
Speaker 1: not reasonable. It is for you not to acknowledge that

920
00:49:47,719 --> 00:49:49,880
Speaker 1: I'm I am taking out the garbage, for you to

921
00:49:49,960 --> 00:49:53,400
Speaker 1: stalk me with the garbage liner. But what's reasonable in

922
00:49:53,400 --> 00:49:55,680
Speaker 1: our household? And we talked about these types of conversations

923
00:49:55,680 --> 00:49:58,520
Speaker 1: in the book. What's reasonable is to expect the garbage

924
00:49:58,520 --> 00:49:59,920
Speaker 1: will go out once a day. Why don't you just

925
00:50:00,040 --> 00:50:02,680
Speaker 1: make the garbage your task? Well I did. Actually, we

926
00:50:02,800 --> 00:50:05,239
Speaker 1: readal we redeal what I call the daily grinds, the

927
00:50:05,280 --> 00:50:07,360
Speaker 1: hard ones that no one you have to hold forever,

928
00:50:07,920 --> 00:50:11,319
Speaker 1: like dishes or laundry. Yeah, you read deals every week.

929
00:50:11,360 --> 00:50:13,239
Speaker 1: It's sort of like a staff meeting, and treating the

930
00:50:13,280 --> 00:50:16,359
Speaker 1: home like an organization, our most important organization. But when

931
00:50:16,400 --> 00:50:18,880
Speaker 1: it was his task and he wanted to take that task.

932
00:50:19,200 --> 00:50:21,799
Speaker 1: We decided what's reasonable for both of us. Garbage goes

933
00:50:21,800 --> 00:50:23,799
Speaker 1: out at seven pm. He said, I'll put it in

934
00:50:23,840 --> 00:50:25,960
Speaker 1: my calendar like a work appointment. I will move that

935
00:50:26,000 --> 00:50:28,240
Speaker 1: now and get that garbage out as long as you

936
00:50:28,280 --> 00:50:32,080
Speaker 1: never mentioned the word garbage again. And then garbage started

937
00:50:32,080 --> 00:50:34,440
Speaker 1: going out at seven o'clock in our house. But we

938
00:50:34,480 --> 00:50:37,440
Speaker 1: had to have a values conversation over garbage. And nobody's

939
00:50:37,480 --> 00:50:40,239
Speaker 1: having these conversations because he wouldn't know that. He didn't

940
00:50:40,280 --> 00:50:43,440
Speaker 1: know he was triggering me. And everybody has triggers like that.

941
00:50:43,480 --> 00:50:45,239
Speaker 1: And but you have to be able to put him

942
00:50:45,280 --> 00:50:47,920
Speaker 1: out on the table. And and and I love what

943
00:50:47,960 --> 00:50:50,080
Speaker 1: Amy said about the script. You've gotta you gotta be

944
00:50:50,120 --> 00:50:54,080
Speaker 1: flexible enough to change the script once you understand. And

945
00:50:54,080 --> 00:50:56,719
Speaker 1: people always strote his word out love love language, which

946
00:50:56,719 --> 00:51:00,279
Speaker 1: is no, no, no, you know what I mean, But

947
00:51:00,320 --> 00:51:03,839
Speaker 1: it's but it's it's learning how each person communicates. And

948
00:51:03,880 --> 00:51:06,880
Speaker 1: then go from there and and stop stop judging and

949
00:51:06,960 --> 00:51:10,359
Speaker 1: stop what he said, stop changing and man shaming and

950
00:51:11,400 --> 00:51:15,000
Speaker 1: something that's something that guys just can't we don't we

951
00:51:15,320 --> 00:51:17,080
Speaker 1: you want to drive a man away, that's you want

952
00:51:17,080 --> 00:51:19,479
Speaker 1: a man to leave. Yeah, you just all you gotta

953
00:51:19,520 --> 00:51:21,439
Speaker 1: do is shame him a couple of times. It will

954
00:51:21,440 --> 00:51:25,040
Speaker 1: never see him again. That's right. Period, he's checked out.

955
00:51:25,239 --> 00:51:28,560
Speaker 1: What about that guy who's I want to find him.

956
00:51:28,600 --> 00:51:31,279
Speaker 1: I want to find the husband who is the recipient

957
00:51:31,840 --> 00:51:38,399
Speaker 1: of the Yeah, did you know on average, people spend

958
00:51:38,440 --> 00:51:43,240
Speaker 1: between thirty minutes to an hour in the bathroom every day.

959
00:51:43,400 --> 00:51:46,360
Speaker 1: Unlester Brooks, who spends five hours and thirty minutes in

960
00:51:46,400 --> 00:51:48,440
Speaker 1: the bathroom every day. Where we've learned a little bit

961
00:51:48,440 --> 00:51:50,799
Speaker 1: too much about Brooks in his bathroom habits. But that's

962
00:51:50,880 --> 00:51:55,160
Speaker 1: neither here nor there. Native is a brand that creates safe, simple,

963
00:51:55,200 --> 00:51:58,319
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964
00:51:58,360 --> 00:52:04,560
Speaker 1: with trusted ingredients and trusted performance nine thousand five star reviews.

965
00:52:05,000 --> 00:52:06,759
Speaker 1: So the question is do you like smelling good and

966
00:52:06,760 --> 00:52:10,560
Speaker 1: feeling clean and confident? Well, who doesn't. Native products don't

967
00:52:10,600 --> 00:52:14,480
Speaker 1: have aluminum, paarabins and talc. Native products are filled with

968
00:52:14,600 --> 00:52:18,480
Speaker 1: ingredients found in nature, like coconut oil, shade butter which

969
00:52:18,520 --> 00:52:23,120
Speaker 1: is a moisturizer, tapi yoga starts which absorbs wetness. They

970
00:52:23,160 --> 00:52:27,239
Speaker 1: never tested on animals, and it's free shipping and returns

971
00:52:28,360 --> 00:52:30,680
Speaker 1: and making the switch to an aluminium free deodorant does

972
00:52:30,719 --> 00:52:33,200
Speaker 1: not mean having to sacrifice how well it works. Because

973
00:52:33,320 --> 00:52:37,240
Speaker 1: Native products work, It's worth it. Native is aluminum free,

974
00:52:37,280 --> 00:52:41,160
Speaker 1: safe and effective, and for off your first purchase. Visit

975
00:52:41,239 --> 00:52:45,200
Speaker 1: Native Deodorant dot com and use promo code HMT during checkout.

976
00:52:45,440 --> 00:52:48,920
Speaker 1: That's HMT, as in How Men Think. Native comes in

977
00:52:48,960 --> 00:52:51,759
Speaker 1: a wide variety of sense for men and women, with

978
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Speaker 1: new limited edition seasonal sense throughout the year. They offer

979
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Speaker 1: an unsended formula and baking soda free formula for those

980
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Speaker 1: with sensitivities. Coconut and vanilla are the most popular, but ladies, ladies,

981
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982
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983
00:53:10,640 --> 00:53:15,080
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984
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985
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Speaker 1: Think during checkout. Use promo code h m T during checkout.

986
00:53:26,040 --> 00:53:29,439
Speaker 1: Let's get into more of this, boris you gotta roll? Um? Dude?

987
00:53:29,440 --> 00:53:31,279
Speaker 1: I also want your mission. I love your mission. I

988
00:53:31,280 --> 00:53:33,040
Speaker 1: can align with it because you have a fitness app

989
00:53:33,320 --> 00:53:36,120
Speaker 1: designed to serve people. Yes, I love that you and

990
00:53:36,160 --> 00:53:38,640
Speaker 1: your wife do it together. The whole family, my brother,

991
00:53:38,760 --> 00:53:41,200
Speaker 1: myself and his kids, our kids with eight of us,

992
00:53:41,239 --> 00:53:45,920
Speaker 1: and we well well really quickly. Covid is a family

993
00:53:46,040 --> 00:53:52,480
Speaker 1: fitness app that basically, um demystifies workout and nutrition because

994
00:53:52,719 --> 00:53:55,440
Speaker 1: a lot of people out there extremely intimidated by the

995
00:53:55,440 --> 00:53:57,919
Speaker 1: fitness industry because they all they speak about is six

996
00:53:57,960 --> 00:54:00,759
Speaker 1: packs in some abots and a lot of us don't

997
00:54:00,800 --> 00:54:02,960
Speaker 1: have the money go to gym and don't don't have

998
00:54:03,040 --> 00:54:04,920
Speaker 1: the time there you go, don't have the time to

999
00:54:04,960 --> 00:54:08,839
Speaker 1: go to the gym. Um, and our kids have never

1000
00:54:08,920 --> 00:54:11,960
Speaker 1: been more stationary. Um, they sit in school, they come

1001
00:54:12,000 --> 00:54:13,680
Speaker 1: home to sit on the couch, they play video games,

1002
00:54:13,760 --> 00:54:16,400
Speaker 1: they play with their phones. So this is actually in

1003
00:54:16,400 --> 00:54:18,799
Speaker 1: the history world, this is the first time generation as

1004
00:54:18,840 --> 00:54:22,600
Speaker 1: a as a shorter life expectancy than their parents. So

1005
00:54:22,719 --> 00:54:26,520
Speaker 1: this is this is pretty serious. Uh So, what we're

1006
00:54:27,120 --> 00:54:29,840
Speaker 1: sharing with people, my brother was a pro athlete like myself,

1007
00:54:29,920 --> 00:54:33,160
Speaker 1: and and he is a trainer and a nutritionist and

1008
00:54:33,200 --> 00:54:36,560
Speaker 1: a life coach. And what we are telling people is

1009
00:54:36,719 --> 00:54:39,480
Speaker 1: we don't want you to climb on everest. We want

1010
00:54:39,520 --> 00:54:41,520
Speaker 1: you to spend five minutes with us every day, and

1011
00:54:41,560 --> 00:54:43,960
Speaker 1: we're gonna make it fun. And we move and we

1012
00:54:44,320 --> 00:54:46,400
Speaker 1: we get the whole family involved. We have kids, we

1013
00:54:46,520 --> 00:54:50,239
Speaker 1: have NFL players, we have terry crews came through, we

1014
00:54:50,360 --> 00:54:55,640
Speaker 1: have active athlete athletes were in wheelchairs and we move

1015
00:54:55,760 --> 00:54:58,960
Speaker 1: five minutes today and it creates a habit. After a while,

1016
00:54:59,320 --> 00:55:02,040
Speaker 1: it creates a how off the habit it's uh, it's

1017
00:55:02,400 --> 00:55:04,719
Speaker 1: it's it's spills out into your day. You have a

1018
00:55:04,760 --> 00:55:08,319
Speaker 1: sense of accomplishment. You did, your relationships are better, your

1019
00:55:08,360 --> 00:55:12,719
Speaker 1: performance at work is better. Create energy, your energy exactly, um.

1020
00:55:13,600 --> 00:55:17,000
Speaker 1: And it's become this WiFi of a movement where people

1021
00:55:17,600 --> 00:55:21,759
Speaker 1: they send us comments we saved their life, contemplating suicide,

1022
00:55:22,200 --> 00:55:26,760
Speaker 1: reigniting relationships with your family, um, because finally they felt

1023
00:55:27,120 --> 00:55:31,040
Speaker 1: seen and they felt like they're part of something. Because

1024
00:55:31,520 --> 00:55:33,800
Speaker 1: working out an hour and a half is not realistic.

1025
00:55:33,840 --> 00:55:35,680
Speaker 1: It's not sustainable. And the same with food. When you

1026
00:55:35,760 --> 00:55:39,279
Speaker 1: tell people who love sodas to stop drinking soda, it's

1027
00:55:39,320 --> 00:55:41,640
Speaker 1: not sustainable because they won't do it. But if you say,

1028
00:55:41,760 --> 00:55:44,640
Speaker 1: make an adjustment every day, even if it's just cutting

1029
00:55:45,000 --> 00:55:48,320
Speaker 1: your soda intake by half just one day, right or

1030
00:55:48,520 --> 00:55:51,000
Speaker 1: or I'm not telling you to deprive yourself a food

1031
00:55:51,040 --> 00:55:53,799
Speaker 1: that you love, it's not realistic. And it's not sustainable,

1032
00:55:53,960 --> 00:55:56,120
Speaker 1: but but it is sustainable. It's spending five minutes together

1033
00:55:56,120 --> 00:55:58,680
Speaker 1: as a family having a great time and then creating

1034
00:55:58,719 --> 00:56:00,520
Speaker 1: habits based on that. So it's a op it app.

1035
00:56:00,719 --> 00:56:02,760
Speaker 1: You can download it on on your in the app store,

1036
00:56:03,200 --> 00:56:05,160
Speaker 1: and we we hang out every single day. We have

1037
00:56:05,400 --> 00:56:08,640
Speaker 1: simple and effective tips on nutrition and work outs, mindfulness.

1038
00:56:08,680 --> 00:56:10,719
Speaker 1: We do yoga, meditation. Yeah, I was just gonna ask

1039
00:56:10,719 --> 00:56:12,920
Speaker 1: you meditation. I want to. I've started to get into

1040
00:56:12,960 --> 00:56:15,040
Speaker 1: more arts, gab we're talking about this. I'm like painting more,

1041
00:56:15,160 --> 00:56:18,400
Speaker 1: listening to like instrumental music, like different things, but meditations

1042
00:56:18,480 --> 00:56:21,720
Speaker 1: or something that I've never got into. But I don't download.

1043
00:56:22,480 --> 00:56:23,880
Speaker 1: And then when I get up, I don't touch my

1044
00:56:23,960 --> 00:56:26,160
Speaker 1: phone for an hour. As you become when you do,

1045
00:56:26,280 --> 00:56:29,719
Speaker 1: you become reactive rather than active. So I just take

1046
00:56:29,760 --> 00:56:33,000
Speaker 1: care of myself. What's like the fundamental approach to getting

1047
00:56:33,080 --> 00:56:36,960
Speaker 1: started in the meditative sort of capacity. What you do

1048
00:56:37,160 --> 00:56:39,680
Speaker 1: is you start with two minutes and then you you

1049
00:56:40,280 --> 00:56:42,000
Speaker 1: when you're ready, you do five minutes and what and

1050
00:56:42,239 --> 00:56:45,640
Speaker 1: and the main thing is your stillness. And what has

1051
00:56:45,640 --> 00:56:47,960
Speaker 1: helped me when I first started is focusing on your breathing.

1052
00:56:48,800 --> 00:56:51,279
Speaker 1: And I know that's an abstract sort of word, but

1053
00:56:51,440 --> 00:56:56,200
Speaker 1: what it actually is, you're literally listening to yourself inhale

1054
00:56:56,440 --> 00:57:01,560
Speaker 1: and exhale, and you're you're imagining your lungs expanding and contracting.

1055
00:57:02,000 --> 00:57:03,800
Speaker 1: And that's what you start with, that's what you focus on,

1056
00:57:03,920 --> 00:57:07,719
Speaker 1: because that's that's what what um What calms the noise

1057
00:57:07,760 --> 00:57:09,440
Speaker 1: in your head down, all the thoughts that we have,

1058
00:57:09,600 --> 00:57:12,040
Speaker 1: It calms everything right down. That is the purpose to

1059
00:57:12,440 --> 00:57:19,560
Speaker 1: have have less essentially to be uh, to have more

1060
00:57:20,520 --> 00:57:24,640
Speaker 1: room to think or to think less, think less. Um. Look,

1061
00:57:24,720 --> 00:57:27,080
Speaker 1: your thoughts are the language of your brain, and your

1062
00:57:27,080 --> 00:57:29,760
Speaker 1: feelings are the language of your body. So your your

1063
00:57:29,800 --> 00:57:33,920
Speaker 1: physical vibration is the manifestation of your emotions. Right, So

1064
00:57:34,080 --> 00:57:37,960
Speaker 1: the goal is to really be in your body, to

1065
00:57:38,160 --> 00:57:42,720
Speaker 1: really feel every your your your bodily functions of people,

1066
00:57:42,800 --> 00:57:45,320
Speaker 1: the breathing and your heart rate and everything else. And

1067
00:57:45,480 --> 00:57:48,360
Speaker 1: that's what what turns the noise down in your brain

1068
00:57:48,800 --> 00:57:50,640
Speaker 1: and it gives you a capacity to be more present

1069
00:57:51,120 --> 00:57:56,000
Speaker 1: everyday life, sleep good, more energy, better relationships. Do you

1070
00:57:56,080 --> 00:58:00,200
Speaker 1: drink caffeine? Do you drink caffeine? Never have? In our

1071
00:58:00,800 --> 00:58:05,680
Speaker 1: drink none. Just we've been here, well, boris I want

1072
00:58:05,720 --> 00:58:08,680
Speaker 1: to say thank your insights. Um where can they find

1073
00:58:08,720 --> 00:58:10,840
Speaker 1: co fit? You already said on the app store? Where

1074
00:58:10,920 --> 00:58:14,840
Speaker 1: can they find you? Where your Instagram? Right there? Awesome

1075
00:58:14,920 --> 00:58:17,080
Speaker 1: and we'll put it on our show notes. Everything to you, guys,

1076
00:58:17,080 --> 00:58:19,280
Speaker 1: gotta follow us. I love your insight, man, and thank you.

1077
00:58:19,960 --> 00:58:22,680
Speaker 1: Just respect for you as a human being, just your

1078
00:58:22,760 --> 00:58:24,560
Speaker 1: energy in this room. I can feel you're a great man,

1079
00:58:24,640 --> 00:58:27,240
Speaker 1: a great husband. Appreciate you coming. Thank you. We're gonna

1080
00:58:27,280 --> 00:58:29,840
Speaker 1: wrap this upright here, Boris, You're the man. Appreciate you

1081
00:58:29,960 --> 00:58:31,840
Speaker 1: coming in. But we have so much more to cover

1082
00:58:32,240 --> 00:58:34,680
Speaker 1: Next week. Eve is going to come back to continue

1083
00:58:34,880 --> 00:58:39,160
Speaker 1: this conversation, one of our biggest polarizing debates. We want

1084
00:58:39,200 --> 00:58:41,920
Speaker 1: to know what you guys at home listening think and

1085
00:58:42,160 --> 00:58:44,280
Speaker 1: if you have any questions. When you have a new

1086
00:58:44,480 --> 00:58:47,320
Speaker 1: voicemail that we will answer your questions from. You can

1087
00:58:47,400 --> 00:58:50,400
Speaker 1: reach us at one eight eight eight four three zero

1088
00:58:50,600 --> 00:58:53,200
Speaker 1: seventeen seventy seven. So let let us know your thoughts,

1089
00:58:53,640 --> 00:58:56,280
Speaker 1: your questions, anything you want Eve to touch on next

1090
00:58:56,360 --> 00:59:00,800
Speaker 1: week one eight zero seventeen seventy seven. And that's it

1091
00:59:00,880 --> 00:59:03,440
Speaker 1: for this episode. How men think. We always appreciate our

1092
00:59:03,480 --> 00:59:06,120
Speaker 1: listeners coming in Until next week. Take care of one another,

1093
00:59:06,400 --> 00:59:08,480
Speaker 1: love one another, and we'll see you right back here.

1094
00:59:11,600 --> 00:59:11,640
Speaker 1: H