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Speaker 1: And you Martinez in Real Life Podcast chapter one, We're

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Speaker 1: All Gonna Die. Mad killing happened today. They killed a

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Speaker 1: grandmother at a graduation and she wasn't even involved in

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Speaker 1: the fight. The kids start fighting and somehow the grandmother

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Speaker 1: got kids in New Orleans. Then well, this woman is

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Speaker 1: not dead, but the police they didn't shot up. Crazy.

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Speaker 1: What happens you get like alerts or people call you

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Speaker 1: or start So I've been telling people online I'm tired

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Speaker 1: and like I can't. I know everything every minute every day,

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Speaker 1: I can't. So people were sending me messages today like listen,

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Speaker 1: I know you said you're tired, but the ship is

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Speaker 1: going down, Like can you come back to work today?

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Speaker 1: Like we need to hear from you right away because

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Speaker 1: people are trying to organize, like which way? People don't

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Speaker 1: even know which thing to get, Like they like, do

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Speaker 1: we fight this violence? That violence over here? Over here?

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Speaker 1: They don't know, they don't they do not know, but

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Speaker 1: you I'm not and I'm not gonna be. That's why

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Speaker 1: I tell them. I feel like you say those words. No,

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Speaker 1: I haven't done anything all weekend. I swear I have

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Speaker 1: to stop because they won't. The things we deal with

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Speaker 1: it won't stop. The need is never so it's never

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Speaker 1: gonna go away. All right, sounds good? She might already good. Okay,

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Speaker 1: look good, baby, I feel good. I'm gonna blasting you know.

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Speaker 1: That's the other thing. It's like, God, it's just so good.

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Speaker 1: I'm he's really good too, especially when you're on when

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Speaker 1: you're on track, really doing exactly what we're supposed to

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Speaker 1: be doing. Have one of your quotes. I want to

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Speaker 1: start with today. All right, let's do it. I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: start our interview today to make a mallory. I'm so

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Speaker 1: happy or he can't believe that I'm so happy. I

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Speaker 1: worry about when we're just like I have a plan

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Speaker 1: to do something because something comes up every day every day,

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Speaker 1: so that could be somewhere that could easily be changed changed,

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Speaker 1: or can People who are close to me, who are

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Speaker 1: like real supporters of my family members and friends, they

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Speaker 1: know that then they had they've accepted it, and it's

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Speaker 1: like they encouraged me to take care of what I

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Speaker 1: have to take care. It's not my mother. She's like,

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Speaker 1: I don't give a damn to me, right, So I

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Speaker 1: want to start with a quote this interview with something

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Speaker 1: I saw in your book that it brought me right

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Speaker 1: to uh to this conversation today and I shared a

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Speaker 1: little bit with you about this series and this podcast

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Speaker 1: and this moment that I'm in and these conversations that

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Speaker 1: I want to have. Have you made up your mind

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Speaker 1: to keep it going forever? I don't know, No, I

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Speaker 1: really I don't know. I'm trying to be in the

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Speaker 1: moment with it. This might be the first project in

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Speaker 1: my life where I am really letting it happened. So

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Speaker 1: like when I saw you at the World event when

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Speaker 1: we were at we were at an event and it

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Speaker 1: hadn't even occurred to me to talk to you about it.

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Speaker 1: And then we sat down and started talking about even

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Speaker 1: talking talking about life. We've just talking. We were kicking

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Speaker 1: in about life, and you be like, is that weird?

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Speaker 1: Because if you do do that often with people? Are no, no,

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Speaker 1: my personal business? You like telling me? I was telling

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Speaker 1: you like, I mean, whatever it was, it required like

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Speaker 1: it's you. So I just gave you a real answer

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Speaker 1: to like I don't even know. And then we started

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Speaker 1: talking about what I've been dealing with. We were I

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Speaker 1: know what we were talking about, but that's not for today.

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Speaker 1: But we were talking about another one of our sisters

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Speaker 1: that has been going through some things and publicly and

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Speaker 1: now I said, oh, I know all about that, and

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Speaker 1: do you remember And I begin to you be like, yeah,

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Speaker 1: that was crazy what you went through talking about my

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Speaker 1: situation where I went through like a public disaster, and

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Speaker 1: then um, and then I told you about how dark

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Speaker 1: it got, you know, which I definitely wanted to get

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Speaker 1: into it today, which you're okay to talk about today too.

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Speaker 1: But then that led me to like, um, telling you

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Speaker 1: about this and at all naturally organically, like when you're

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Speaker 1: doing what you're supposed to be doing it and you're

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Speaker 1: in the right track, everything just kind of leads you there.

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Speaker 1: It's so weird. It's as an experiment for me, this

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Speaker 1: project anyway. So I want to start this with this

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Speaker 1: quote from your book, and you said, a walk of Uh,

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Speaker 1: the walk of activism is taxing physically, mentally, emotionally. The

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Speaker 1: things I witnessed in the chaos of this fight haunt me.

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Speaker 1: I live in a state of outrage physical sometimes emotional always.

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Speaker 1: When I read that, it haunted me a little bit

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Speaker 1: for you, because I think about you, and I think

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Speaker 1: about people like you who do this work, this this

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Speaker 1: work that we admire so much. But also it's so

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Speaker 1: interesting how you choose to walk through life, like in

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Speaker 1: this conversation that we're having about you know, the fact

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Speaker 1: that we're all going to die and that our time

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Speaker 1: here is limited. You choose your time here. I did

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Speaker 1: not choose this. I've tried to run from this how

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Speaker 1: many times. I don't believe it. Well, because my skills

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Speaker 1: are transferable, right, Like, so I don't have to be

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Speaker 1: an activist. I'm I'm I'm smart and well, not that

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Speaker 1: activists aren't. We're probably some of the most brilliant strategists

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Speaker 1: in the world. But I could take my skills to

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Speaker 1: corporate America. I could be an entertainment business. I could

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Speaker 1: be doing a million things. And I've tried several times

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Speaker 1: to walk away because, first of all, working within four

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Speaker 1: black and brown folks and the marginal lies like community

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Speaker 1: if you will, it's hard as hell, the most judgment,

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Speaker 1: the most challenge, and just the most pain because it's

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Speaker 1: just so much you gotta You're dealing with trauma every

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Speaker 1: single day, um, whether it's internal or external. And so

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Speaker 1: there have been times when I get really frustrated and

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Speaker 1: I'm like, you know what, this like I'm out, like

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Speaker 1: why why am I doing this to myself? And then

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Speaker 1: there it's like I don't even know how it happens.

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Speaker 1: It's just some sh it happens, and it's like next thing,

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Speaker 1: you know, I'm fully immersed in addressing it, and I'm like,

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Speaker 1: wait a minute, I said I was moving on to

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Speaker 1: a different thing. I've got like an interview and a conversation,

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Speaker 1: and it never I never can I never can't get out.

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Speaker 1: I can't get out. I can't get out because I'm

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Speaker 1: gonna challenge you on that. Though in the spirit of

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Speaker 1: life is fragile. We're a limited time here. We choose

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Speaker 1: how we wake up, and we use our time and

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Speaker 1: we use I feel like partially you're called I mean,

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Speaker 1: you are called when people, but you allow yourself somewhere

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Speaker 1: to be called do. But the thing is, you know,

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Speaker 1: there are a lot of people who are doing something

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Speaker 1: different than what they are actually supposed to be doing right,

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Speaker 1: And so I guess you're right in a way like

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Speaker 1: I'm I choose to walk in my purpose. But I'm

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Speaker 1: just saying that. I it's it's a it's turmoil for

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Speaker 1: me at times, and I don't feel like I'm making

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Speaker 1: the choice to shift. I feel like there is no choice.

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Speaker 1: Like it's a little different the way I see it.

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Speaker 1: There is no I have no other choice because this

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Speaker 1: is me. Yeah, you know what I'm saying. It's different

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Speaker 1: from me waking up and saying, oh, I could go

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Speaker 1: over here today or over here today. It's almost like,

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Speaker 1: if I don't do this, I die, like I failed

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Speaker 1: to live. What is that about? Like? How does that work?

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Speaker 1: How does so the work is? Obviously you don't need

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Speaker 1: to explain the importance of the word. And we know

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Speaker 1: it's gonna never end by the way, never, It's always

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Speaker 1: gonna be something to work on, something to make better.

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Speaker 1: But how does it serve you as a woman. So

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Speaker 1: my son's father was killed when my son was too

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Speaker 1: and before that it was my parents movement, and I

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Speaker 1: was in it because I was told I had to be.

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Speaker 1: It wasn't until my son's father was murdered that it

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Speaker 1: became my own. At that point I was like, whoa

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Speaker 1: wait a minute, Like what do you do with this?

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Speaker 1: And I tell you exactly what happened to me. I

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Speaker 1: never forget it was really dark he was killed. It

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Speaker 1: was just so much happening and I remember picking up

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Speaker 1: the phone, and you know how when someone dies, everybody

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Speaker 1: calls and everybody comes. So everybody was calling me, and

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Speaker 1: I kept hearing people say over and over again, well,

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Speaker 1: you know, your cousin so and so was shot or

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Speaker 1: such and such baby father also day it, and this one,

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Speaker 1: and it was so many stories that I was like,

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Speaker 1: wait a minute, I'm not by myself here. It's a

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Speaker 1: lot of people, like a lot of black men that

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Speaker 1: I heard about, and so I said, wait a minute,

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Speaker 1: this is like an American problem, but it's not in

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Speaker 1: the news. It's nowhere. Now. I had been involved in

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Speaker 1: the police brutality fight, I had been involved in like

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Speaker 1: housing issues. It was all kind of racism in America,

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Speaker 1: but it seemed that the issue of gun violence in

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Speaker 1: our community was super quiet, whether it be national media

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Speaker 1: and or people leaders, people weren't really focused on it.

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Speaker 1: And so now the calling was on me because I

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Speaker 1: was looking at my son, like, if I don't deal

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Speaker 1: with this, he's next. I have to get involved. And

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Speaker 1: that's kind of like how I found my way to

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Speaker 1: owning it, owning the movement. I think equipped with all

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Speaker 1: this that I wasn't listening to because I was running

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Speaker 1: away from home doing god knows what because I didn't

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Speaker 1: want to do it with my but but they were

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Speaker 1: always trying to set me up in the work because

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Speaker 1: they knew I needed it. And then when this thing

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Speaker 1: happened again, God aligning things exactly. So when my son's

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Speaker 1: father was gone, I'm like, WHOA. I think that God

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Speaker 1: was trying to tell me that this is important. So

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Speaker 1: I hoped that with Erica Ford, but you know very well,

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Speaker 1: very Angie Angie and at Mitchell and we started New

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Speaker 1: York City's crisis management system. And at the time, I

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Speaker 1: think we got the first five million dollars and now

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Speaker 1: it's like more than forty millions that's going to intervention

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Speaker 1: programs in New York City. I'm curious about the feelings

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Speaker 1: that you experienced though, because, like you said, you had

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Speaker 1: this loss and you turned it to to the work, right,

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Speaker 1: But is that to fulfill? Like um, is that you're

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Speaker 1: dealing with anger? Are you dealing with sadness? Trauma? It

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Speaker 1: was a it was processing. This is when I knew

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Speaker 1: I was distractors because I was like, wait a minute,

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Speaker 1: we have a problem and we got to find solutions.

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Speaker 1: I don't even know if I was ever like I was,

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Speaker 1: I don't have a time. I mean, you know, like

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Speaker 1: I'm not saying I don't feel, because certainly I feel,

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Speaker 1: and I don't really process my son's father's passing in

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Speaker 1: the right way. I processed this guy that I was

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Speaker 1: with for these years and he was my dude, and

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Speaker 1: this is my son's father and he's dead, and oh

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Speaker 1: my god, I can't believe it. And then I processed

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Speaker 1: what it meant in terms of his situation, the drug

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Speaker 1: addiction of the parents. They didn't get the help, he

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Speaker 1: got caught in the system. So that was, you know,

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Speaker 1: when I went into work mode. It wasn't until my

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Speaker 1: son got to be about fifteen or sixteen. My son

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Speaker 1: was too when his father was killed. So first of all,

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Speaker 1: let me give the names. My son's name is Tarik

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Speaker 1: and his father's name is Jason, and I was he was.

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Speaker 1: Tarik was two when Jason was killed. And so it's

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Speaker 1: took me until my son was about sixteen years old

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Speaker 1: to maybe fifteen fifteen to feel it. And the reason

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Speaker 1: why it was because my son boxed up against me

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Speaker 1: like mad about something. We was at it and I

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Speaker 1: was like, I would kill you, and I said to myself. Oh, ship,

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Speaker 1: I can't do anything else for this kid. Like I've

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Speaker 1: given him love, I've given him all the things, and

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Speaker 1: I could keep doing those things, but that next level

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Speaker 1: only his father can do it, or a man who

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Speaker 1: was a stable, committed person in his life. What was

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Speaker 1: he Obviously he was angry, he was just he was he. Oh.

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Speaker 1: I didn't know that, so I thought because my parents

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Speaker 1: were involved with his life and they were co parents,

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Speaker 1: and he had, you know, other figures, I thought he

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Speaker 1: was fine. I didn't find out until he was like

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Speaker 1: depressed as hell that he, even though he didn't know

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Speaker 1: his father, recognized that something was wrong. And the comparison

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Speaker 1: that he had angie from me. He he told me,

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Speaker 1: one day, you have your father. You don't even know

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Speaker 1: what it's like. You don't know what I'm going to.

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Speaker 1: That must have hurt. It broke me too into little pieces.

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Speaker 1: What broke me more year old. But what broke me

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Speaker 1: wasn't so much what he said. It was that I

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Speaker 1: hadn't paid attention. I thought I was doing all the things.

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Speaker 1: That's what I wonder about you, because sometimes and all

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Speaker 1: of anybody who is you know, career driven, successful or

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Speaker 1: whatever whatever you do sometimes we bury ourselves in the thing,

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Speaker 1: the chase that you know, and so I I wonder

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Speaker 1: for you and listen, the world benefits from what you've

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Speaker 1: buried yourself in. So there's nothing you know, we're grateful

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Speaker 1: to that. We love you for that, but just as

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Speaker 1: a woman like and when I think, and this is

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Speaker 1: something I've been thinking about a lot, which is what

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Speaker 1: prompted some of these conversations about like, because I'm always

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Speaker 1: chasing something. I want to be better, I want to

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Speaker 1: do something new, I want to challenge. And then it's like,

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Speaker 1: what if I only got him off left, don do

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Speaker 1: I want to be chasing with it? And what it's

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Speaker 1: like just taking a moment to kind of think and

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Speaker 1: be aware and present and choosing. I still think there's

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Speaker 1: things I want to chase, but being mindful and choosing

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Speaker 1: them specifically and strategically, not just running, not just because

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Speaker 1: we run, right and we chase. And I gotta imagine,

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Speaker 1: especially young Tomka, after that type of trauma and that

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Speaker 1: type of heartache, that you buried some of that pain

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Speaker 1: and I didn't the work. I didn't I didn't do

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Speaker 1: right by my son, period, that's the answer. Because you

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Speaker 1: were buried or just because I was working my ass

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Speaker 1: off and he knows it. He understands. We're good now.

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Speaker 1: Oh but he went through hell. And that's just the

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Speaker 1: if you if you study history, most leaders, especially in

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Speaker 1: this work, which is trauma filled work, will tell you

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Speaker 1: that if they could do it all over again, the

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Speaker 1: relationship with their children is the main thing that they

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Speaker 1: would go back and fix. So what would you have

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Speaker 1: them been more present? How? Not physically because physically I

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Speaker 1: was in and out. Mentally I was not always there

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Speaker 1: because some ship could be happening, like big things, and

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Speaker 1: my son's like mom, and I'm like, uh huh uh yeah,

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Speaker 1: I didn't even hear anything he said. Now, thank god.

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Speaker 1: My sister was always like even now their relationship, she

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Speaker 1: listens to him and then she's the one who taps

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Speaker 1: in with me like yo, you know that he and

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Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, shoot, thank you. You know. She always

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Speaker 1: has been my backup and I needed that. But it

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Speaker 1: hurt him, and then as he got older he began

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Speaker 1: to articulate it to me. But the way in which

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Speaker 1: he did it, which is where he and I have issues,

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Speaker 1: is like, bro, I don't give a damn if I

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Speaker 1: haven't been home you still going to do X y

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Speaker 1: Z that that teacher says, because you know, once he

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Speaker 1: got to an age when he figured out how to maneuver,

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Speaker 1: he was like, I'm I'm depressed. You know, you know,

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Speaker 1: no one has paid attention to me. But he really

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Speaker 1: did have valid feelings. However, I never forget this story.

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Speaker 1: So I was with this guy for eight years and

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Speaker 1: he was a great guy, loved my son, but just

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Speaker 1: was we just it was it was. It just was

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Speaker 1: time for us to separate. And when I was I

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Speaker 1: went to my son and my son knew him as dad.

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Speaker 1: We have been together all that time. So I went

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Speaker 1: to my son and I said, hey, you know, how

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Speaker 1: would you feel if we broke up? And he said, well,

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Speaker 1: I can see something that's going wrong here. He was

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Speaker 1: little too, and I said to him he must have

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Speaker 1: been ten, maybe eleven, And I said, you know, if

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Speaker 1: we break up, are you're gonna be okay? He said, Mom,

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Speaker 1: I'm with you. You know, whatever you want to do,

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Speaker 1: I'm with you. However it works. He said, I'll still

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Speaker 1: see Dad, but I'm with you. Fast forward till later

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Speaker 1: in life, he and I get into a big blow

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Speaker 1: up one day and my son turns around and says

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Speaker 1: to me, I've been with you through all your changes,

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Speaker 1: and I've never complained, not even once I've been with you.

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Speaker 1: I haven't said anything, even when I suffered and now

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Speaker 1: whatever it was, you all over me. And I still

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Speaker 1: was like, oh no, we're we're gonna stick on this point,

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Speaker 1: this about all that. But he was right. But he's

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Speaker 1: been with me through everything that I've been through, and

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Speaker 1: he has allowed me to be a family member at least.

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Speaker 1: I don't want to say mother, because I'm not aging myself,

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Speaker 1: but a family member to other families. And when I

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Speaker 1: wasn't necessarily being the best family member to him, that's

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Speaker 1: it's tough. Do you forgive yourself for the absolutely because

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Speaker 1: I can't control white supremacy. That's not you know, that's

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Speaker 1: not something. That's what it does. That's the point of

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Speaker 1: white supremacy. It breaks down families. It takes people mentally,

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Speaker 1: emotionally and physically away from where they should be, and

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Speaker 1: it takes away our happiness and our joy, which would

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Speaker 1: be me and my baby being together. It would actually

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Speaker 1: be me and my baby and whether or not things

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Speaker 1: worked out with his father and me, but it at

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Speaker 1: least would be his father being present. But because of

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Speaker 1: the society we live in and way this the way

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Speaker 1: the world is designed. It is set up to destroy,

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Speaker 1: to pick apart and to kill. And so the fact

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Speaker 1: that we still stand and shoot, we're doing real well here?

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Speaker 1: You know, how do you we're what is the payoff

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Speaker 1: for you? Right? Because like what I am very clear

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Speaker 1: that there is none. I'm very clear. I'm clear payoff.

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Speaker 1: I mean I guess the point is like what is

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Speaker 1: the benefit and how does it benefit? Mean? This is

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Speaker 1: your this is your one life, right, this is how

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Speaker 1: you're choosing to live it. I have to They say

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Speaker 1: woman needs seven streams of income in order to be successful.

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Speaker 1: I have to have five or six different things going

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Speaker 1: on to be able to answer that. The work that

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Speaker 1: I do every day, the activism work. I don't know,

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Speaker 1: because you take steps forward steps back, it hurts your

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00:18:17,359 --> 00:18:21,560
Speaker 1: own people kick your ass, You get accused of stealing money,

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Speaker 1: being in a cloud chack, I mean everything you can

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Speaker 1: think of, the trolls that this to that. Yes, there

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00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:31,000
Speaker 1: are great moments when people celebrate you, but there's a

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Speaker 1: lot of pain in it. You can't fix it. You

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Speaker 1: feel like you're not doing enough. There's always turmoil. But

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Speaker 1: there are other things that I do that give me

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Speaker 1: a sense of like hope, you know, and and another

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Speaker 1: things that I think I benefit from because it allows

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Speaker 1: me to exercise my mind, my friends, you know, my girls,

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Speaker 1: being able to help people. Those things. Yes, But in

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Speaker 1: terms of just being immersed in the work every single day,

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Speaker 1: I'm having anxiety attacks. So I don't figure it out. Well,

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Speaker 1: I mean, what are you gonna do? It's it's saying,

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Speaker 1: as with love, by the way, I benefit from the

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Speaker 1: work that you're doing many ways, just because the world

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Speaker 1: benefits from the work. From that way, I'm grateful, But

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Speaker 1: just as a human being, I worry for you about

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Speaker 1: it's the mental health of it all the But then

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Speaker 1: you know, my mental health, your mental health. Because you're

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Speaker 1: sitting there watching the news, seeing everything that's happening, watching inflation,

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Speaker 1: watching shootings and community and all the things, your mental

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00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:42,960
Speaker 1: health is impacted as well. At least I'm actively engaged

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Speaker 1: in like something every day that makes me feel like

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Speaker 1: I'm doing whatever I can do, just like I'm you're

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Speaker 1: using your platform right, and my platform is being out

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Speaker 1: there feeding five hundred families in Buffalo, just you know,

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00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:58,560
Speaker 1: days ago. Um I said, so, I sent you a

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Speaker 1: text and I said, so happy to see you. I

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Speaker 1: saw you in your cute little friending bathing suit, which,

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Speaker 1: by the way, you look super flu and I was

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Speaker 1: so I was. I was like, oh, she's on the

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Speaker 1: beach and her friendly baby, so she looks gorgeous. I

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Speaker 1: was like, I'm so happy for you that you have

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Speaker 1: some downtime. And your response was like I was trying.

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Speaker 1: But then they want to murder kids. They wanted the

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Speaker 1: murder baby. And I thought, yeah, because we were all

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Speaker 1: feeling it, but you can't even go lay on a

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Speaker 1: beach because you're activated, and you're not just feeling it

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Speaker 1: like we feel it. We're all sad, but you're activated. Well,

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00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:43,480
Speaker 1: that was between these the elders and our black brothers

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Speaker 1: and sisters being slaughtered in a massacre in Buffalo this day,

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Speaker 1: and I'm like in the middle of it. I was

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Speaker 1: in um that weekend when you saw me. The reason

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Speaker 1: why I was in the baby even suit is because

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Speaker 1: it was in between things happening during Sabrina Fulton Trayvon

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Speaker 1: Martin's mother. She has a conference every year where she

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00:21:09,320 --> 00:21:13,040
Speaker 1: brings together hundreds of mothers who lost their children. So

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00:21:13,280 --> 00:21:18,119
Speaker 1: to violent situations. So I was at her conference in

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00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:20,960
Speaker 1: Miami and happened. You know, it took some time to

387
00:21:21,040 --> 00:21:23,840
Speaker 1: hang out when there was nothing going on. So there's

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Speaker 1: trauma from Buffalo. Then I'm at a conference with women

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Speaker 1: who are coming up to me different you know what,

390
00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:33,639
Speaker 1: I'm helping them. I did two classes in the midst

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Speaker 1: of all of that, there's the killing of the children.

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00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:39,240
Speaker 1: It's like, really too much. It's really too much for

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Speaker 1: all of us. So I'm just saying, people look at

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Speaker 1: my mental health and yes, sure I'm close to it,

395
00:21:44,520 --> 00:21:46,960
Speaker 1: I'm touching it. I'm with the families of doing things.

396
00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:50,159
Speaker 1: But all of our mental health, like each one of

397
00:21:50,240 --> 00:21:54,080
Speaker 1: us is dealing with something, whether we admit it, acknowledge it,

398
00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:57,520
Speaker 1: or know that it's there, but we're all going through it.

399
00:21:58,160 --> 00:22:00,640
Speaker 1: Like you, I don't know if you recogn as yourself,

400
00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:02,600
Speaker 1: like looking like you're in a place it's a lot

401
00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:05,440
Speaker 1: of people, You're like, yo, what's up? You know, like

402
00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:07,280
Speaker 1: you don't know because you don't know when people are

403
00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:10,880
Speaker 1: moving what that means that in itself, we shouldn't feel

404
00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:13,359
Speaker 1: like that at the grocery store and the airport or

405
00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:19,680
Speaker 1: someplace right now. It's too much it's too much. I

406
00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:23,119
Speaker 1: know it's too much. So at some point though to

407
00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:27,240
Speaker 1: make go, when does it become like like no, really,

408
00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:28,920
Speaker 1: because I want to understand what you went through and

409
00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:31,160
Speaker 1: I want people to understand because I think the people

410
00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:32,840
Speaker 1: look at you like the machine, which is why you

411
00:22:32,880 --> 00:22:36,359
Speaker 1: get you become the activist machine. And so she should

412
00:22:36,359 --> 00:22:39,800
Speaker 1: do everything perfectly and say everything perfectly, and she should

413
00:22:39,800 --> 00:22:42,639
Speaker 1: not be in a bikini or like how did you

414
00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:49,679
Speaker 1: know that? Okay? Good? Your comments okay good, but not

415
00:22:49,760 --> 00:22:53,439
Speaker 1: deleting but muting people on the IG line because they

416
00:22:53,520 --> 00:22:58,000
Speaker 1: bugged out. But I just want people to get to

417
00:22:58,359 --> 00:23:01,000
Speaker 1: know you a little bit, just as a human being. Man.

418
00:23:01,440 --> 00:23:03,840
Speaker 1: You are an activist, yes, but you are a human being.

419
00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:10,000
Speaker 1: Before there's some confusion because people so Dr Katon was

420
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Speaker 1: a preacher and he was a pastor, reverend excuse me,

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Speaker 1: a clergyman, a member of the clergy um and Reverend

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00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:26,560
Speaker 1: Sharkton clergy, Reverend Jackson clergy also all men, but whatever,

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Speaker 1: and then they they had wives who were the wives

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Speaker 1: of clergy and women. And then I've had people say

425
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Speaker 1: I can't imagine Harriet laying on the beach. Well, Harriet

426
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Speaker 1: first wouldn't have social media, and also she was running

427
00:23:41,280 --> 00:23:45,160
Speaker 1: from the slave masters, so that's a whole different thing

428
00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:49,760
Speaker 1: and also give you some great right exactly so people,

429
00:23:49,840 --> 00:23:54,280
Speaker 1: but people studied that they saw those images pumped over

430
00:23:54,320 --> 00:23:57,520
Speaker 1: and over again, and so in their mind that's what

431
00:23:57,600 --> 00:24:01,439
Speaker 1: it's supposed to look like. They had not evolved to

432
00:24:01,520 --> 00:24:04,000
Speaker 1: a place where well, first of all, they don't understand

433
00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:07,280
Speaker 1: that I'm just not that, and that's okay, Like I'm

434
00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:09,520
Speaker 1: not Someone came on my pages and then said, I

435
00:24:09,560 --> 00:24:11,879
Speaker 1: can't you know, this doesn't look like whoever I'm like,

436
00:24:11,920 --> 00:24:15,159
Speaker 1: you have to find that person's page because that's who

437
00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:18,720
Speaker 1: they are. I'm actually not that. And guess what if

438
00:24:18,720 --> 00:24:20,800
Speaker 1: you go back and you go back to when I

439
00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:23,560
Speaker 1: start on Instagram, I've always been in the bikini or

440
00:24:23,600 --> 00:24:25,720
Speaker 1: hanging out having a good time with my friends. But

441
00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:27,560
Speaker 1: it doesn't stop me from doing the work that you've

442
00:24:27,560 --> 00:24:29,320
Speaker 1: got people that the skirt is all the way to

443
00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:31,479
Speaker 1: their ankle and you can't trust him as far as

444
00:24:31,520 --> 00:24:34,239
Speaker 1: you can see them. So which one you want? They

445
00:24:34,280 --> 00:24:36,880
Speaker 1: tell me, Oh, you wear We've I know some natural

446
00:24:36,920 --> 00:24:39,280
Speaker 1: hair chicks that are never step foot in the work

447
00:24:39,320 --> 00:24:42,240
Speaker 1: that I do everything. So instead of us worrying about

448
00:24:42,280 --> 00:24:44,720
Speaker 1: who has on what and whether you're in a bikini

449
00:24:44,920 --> 00:24:48,360
Speaker 1: or not, just focus on and my showing up where

450
00:24:48,400 --> 00:24:50,159
Speaker 1: I'm supposed to be and doing what I'm supposed to

451
00:24:50,200 --> 00:24:52,240
Speaker 1: do I guess to as a woman and as a

452
00:24:52,320 --> 00:24:54,919
Speaker 1: human being. I'm asking because I know you've been honest

453
00:24:55,960 --> 00:24:58,280
Speaker 1: and you've shared some of your story about just how

454
00:24:58,600 --> 00:25:01,399
Speaker 1: how dark it could get for you internally when you're home,

455
00:25:02,040 --> 00:25:04,840
Speaker 1: you're not doing the work, and the TV is off,

456
00:25:04,840 --> 00:25:09,000
Speaker 1: the phone is down, what are you dealing with? Like,

457
00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:12,280
Speaker 1: what is that moment for what today is different from yesterday?

458
00:25:12,480 --> 00:25:16,479
Speaker 1: So yesterday it looked like you know, me popping thirty

459
00:25:16,600 --> 00:25:22,399
Speaker 1: freaking between xanax and um and and percocets and whatever.

460
00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:25,680
Speaker 1: That's what it looked like. I mean, yeah, it was.

461
00:25:26,119 --> 00:25:28,960
Speaker 1: I was going through a really really dark moment. And

462
00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:32,639
Speaker 1: that was during the Women's march um which is like

463
00:25:32,640 --> 00:25:36,119
Speaker 1: this what you would think was so you would think

464
00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:38,359
Speaker 1: it was a high. It was it was a love

465
00:25:38,880 --> 00:25:41,840
Speaker 1: what it was a love? Well, first of all, because

466
00:25:43,680 --> 00:25:48,040
Speaker 1: white women can be very very very dangerous if they

467
00:25:48,080 --> 00:25:51,880
Speaker 1: haven't done the internal work right. So there's some white

468
00:25:51,880 --> 00:25:54,000
Speaker 1: women who have done the work, and they are very

469
00:25:54,040 --> 00:25:59,040
Speaker 1: clear that their tears and other end of their very

470
00:25:59,080 --> 00:26:05,359
Speaker 1: problematic ways in which they approach relationships with black women

471
00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:09,719
Speaker 1: specifically and black men. So they know and they're like,

472
00:26:09,800 --> 00:26:12,800
Speaker 1: I'm checking myself or I've got to be careful, right.

473
00:26:13,280 --> 00:26:15,520
Speaker 1: Even the ones that I worked with that have done

474
00:26:15,520 --> 00:26:21,360
Speaker 1: the work, still they're like, yo, I shouldn't have said that.

475
00:26:22,760 --> 00:26:25,440
Speaker 1: Those are my people. I'm close to them because they

476
00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:28,840
Speaker 1: know it and because we have those conversations. But imagine

477
00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:32,720
Speaker 1: that the Women's March was a combination of people who

478
00:26:32,720 --> 00:26:35,960
Speaker 1: have never done any work. They weren't even in the movement.

479
00:26:36,080 --> 00:26:38,280
Speaker 1: They just one day woke up and they were like,

480
00:26:38,320 --> 00:26:41,200
Speaker 1: oh my god, Trump is the worst thing that's ever happened.

481
00:26:41,480 --> 00:26:46,400
Speaker 1: He started racism, he started everything, like he's starting everything.

482
00:26:46,920 --> 00:26:50,360
Speaker 1: All women's rights are gonna be taken away all because

483
00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:55,080
Speaker 1: never happened before Trump. And so they started the Women's March.

484
00:26:55,160 --> 00:26:59,919
Speaker 1: These women together and we as women of color, black

485
00:27:00,040 --> 00:27:04,719
Speaker 1: women and others, Palestinian, Mexican, American, you have lend us

486
00:27:04,720 --> 00:27:09,320
Speaker 1: our sword, Carmen Perez. We all are getting involved here

487
00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:12,200
Speaker 1: with a bunch of people that you've never worked with.

488
00:27:12,560 --> 00:27:14,199
Speaker 1: You don't know if you can trust them. With some

489
00:27:14,240 --> 00:27:16,760
Speaker 1: of them, we couldn't. Others we've grown to be best

490
00:27:16,760 --> 00:27:19,440
Speaker 1: of friends with so here I And by the way

491
00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:23,520
Speaker 1: Carmen and Linda would have told you in two thousand

492
00:27:23,560 --> 00:27:27,080
Speaker 1: and seventeen, right, is that yeah have two thousand seventeen

493
00:27:27,760 --> 00:27:31,159
Speaker 1: that all of us were experiencing the same trauma and

494
00:27:31,200 --> 00:27:33,760
Speaker 1: it was all of us. And I sat back and

495
00:27:33,840 --> 00:27:36,600
Speaker 1: watched them be like, wait a bit it they really

496
00:27:36,680 --> 00:27:40,000
Speaker 1: hate black women more than anything. They thought that they

497
00:27:40,080 --> 00:27:42,119
Speaker 1: we were all going through the same stuff because they

498
00:27:42,119 --> 00:27:44,520
Speaker 1: are bruised as well, they have the trauma as well.

499
00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:48,679
Speaker 1: But they begin to realize that the way that I

500
00:27:48,720 --> 00:27:52,320
Speaker 1: was being targeted was very different from everyone else. And

501
00:27:52,359 --> 00:27:57,960
Speaker 1: it is because there's always been this particular, um, I

502
00:27:58,000 --> 00:28:01,760
Speaker 1: don't want to say relationship, but this tension between black

503
00:28:01,760 --> 00:28:05,280
Speaker 1: women and white women that's very, very very specific. Only

504
00:28:05,320 --> 00:28:10,119
Speaker 1: we have this relationship based upon us being enslaved. You

505
00:28:10,160 --> 00:28:12,680
Speaker 1: know what that looked like and the whole thing, which

506
00:28:12,720 --> 00:28:15,960
Speaker 1: we don't have to get into that. And so I

507
00:28:16,040 --> 00:28:19,600
Speaker 1: was targeted so much that what I ended up going

508
00:28:19,680 --> 00:28:23,760
Speaker 1: through was much worse. It was just much worse. Now

509
00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:27,720
Speaker 1: it's not Struggle Olympics, because what they suffered was also terrible,

510
00:28:28,320 --> 00:28:30,760
Speaker 1: but it was the way in which people were constantly

511
00:28:30,800 --> 00:28:34,960
Speaker 1: trying to tear me down. That it made me turn

512
00:28:35,080 --> 00:28:38,000
Speaker 1: to like what can I do to deal with being alone?

513
00:28:38,480 --> 00:28:41,800
Speaker 1: And you know, one one, not being able to sleep

514
00:28:42,080 --> 00:28:45,920
Speaker 1: one too many times turned into what can I take?

515
00:28:47,400 --> 00:28:48,720
Speaker 1: And the next thing, you know, and I thought I

516
00:28:48,760 --> 00:28:51,760
Speaker 1: had I had it under control. Listen. I just for

517
00:28:51,840 --> 00:28:55,320
Speaker 1: people who are out there who are taking pills and

518
00:28:55,360 --> 00:28:58,280
Speaker 1: they're at the beginning of this whole process and they

519
00:28:58,320 --> 00:29:03,720
Speaker 1: think I got it. You do not have it. There

520
00:29:03,920 --> 00:29:07,120
Speaker 1: is no control. It controls you. You cannot control it.

521
00:29:08,000 --> 00:29:09,760
Speaker 1: I learned that. I had a friend sit with me

522
00:29:09,840 --> 00:29:12,520
Speaker 1: one day and I was so you know, it was like, oh,

523
00:29:12,560 --> 00:29:15,120
Speaker 1: I'm sleeping, I feel so much better. And I was

524
00:29:15,160 --> 00:29:17,520
Speaker 1: telling her and she had just been released from prison,

525
00:29:18,400 --> 00:29:21,400
Speaker 1: and she said to me, are you taking percocets and

526
00:29:21,480 --> 00:29:23,840
Speaker 1: san x and all that? She said to Mika, it's

527
00:29:23,880 --> 00:29:26,360
Speaker 1: only a dark hole. There's no way you could go.

528
00:29:26,440 --> 00:29:28,440
Speaker 1: And I thought I had it. I said, oh no, no, no,

529
00:29:28,480 --> 00:29:32,120
Speaker 1: I'm gonna she said. I ended up calling her going

530
00:29:32,160 --> 00:29:34,360
Speaker 1: in the rehab. When did you know you were in

531
00:29:34,400 --> 00:29:36,719
Speaker 1: the dark hole when it was still like thirty pills

532
00:29:37,320 --> 00:29:41,080
Speaker 1: a day? Wow? Yeah, so you're taking them all day?

533
00:29:41,080 --> 00:29:42,960
Speaker 1: You weren't even taking them to sleep anymore. No, I

534
00:29:43,040 --> 00:29:45,440
Speaker 1: was taking them all day, no sleeping. It was I was.

535
00:29:45,640 --> 00:29:48,840
Speaker 1: I was nodding before the pills. You didn't when it

536
00:29:48,880 --> 00:29:51,960
Speaker 1: was twenty pills. You didn't think, oh no, because it's

537
00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:55,520
Speaker 1: not about that anymore. It's the need your body. Let

538
00:29:55,600 --> 00:29:58,000
Speaker 1: you know, at that point, you're addicted. So now you're

539
00:29:58,040 --> 00:30:02,800
Speaker 1: trying to not allow a feeling of like the withdrawal

540
00:30:02,920 --> 00:30:06,400
Speaker 1: to happen. So you're like all day long trying to

541
00:30:06,440 --> 00:30:10,720
Speaker 1: make sure that your body never experiences a moment of discomfort.

542
00:30:10,960 --> 00:30:13,760
Speaker 1: So there were times when I would stop taking them

543
00:30:14,080 --> 00:30:17,720
Speaker 1: for two days of like trying to take less and whatever.

544
00:30:17,840 --> 00:30:20,800
Speaker 1: But then it was I was crying, I was throwing up,

545
00:30:20,920 --> 00:30:25,240
Speaker 1: I was my stomach was hurting. It just was. It's

546
00:30:25,240 --> 00:30:28,000
Speaker 1: a mess. And Rachel Nordling is the one who took

547
00:30:28,040 --> 00:30:31,360
Speaker 1: me to a rehab. Wow, took me to rehab, dropped

548
00:30:31,400 --> 00:30:34,560
Speaker 1: me off. What did you do detox? Did you learn

549
00:30:34,560 --> 00:30:38,720
Speaker 1: anything about yourself? Well? I already knew I was strong

550
00:30:38,720 --> 00:30:40,960
Speaker 1: as hell. Like I went to rehab saying, Lord, I

551
00:30:41,000 --> 00:30:44,520
Speaker 1: need help with like I needed white people drugs. So

552
00:30:44,640 --> 00:30:49,600
Speaker 1: the funny thing is that Jason Williams the NBA Allstar.

553
00:30:50,200 --> 00:30:53,880
Speaker 1: He's the one that put me in so he has

554
00:30:53,920 --> 00:30:57,480
Speaker 1: one that he sent me to a particular place. Um,

555
00:30:57,560 --> 00:31:00,360
Speaker 1: he put me in there. Three times. I called him, Jason,

556
00:31:00,400 --> 00:31:03,600
Speaker 1: I'm in trouble. He called me back, Hey, you ready,

557
00:31:03,840 --> 00:31:06,720
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I'm you know, I did all the bullshit

558
00:31:06,800 --> 00:31:11,480
Speaker 1: and saying I'm going and then go. Finally he so

559
00:31:11,800 --> 00:31:15,800
Speaker 1: the third time, Rachel and Jason got together and said

560
00:31:15,880 --> 00:31:18,200
Speaker 1: we have to make her go because at this point

561
00:31:18,240 --> 00:31:21,280
Speaker 1: I was like not going outside, you know, not really

562
00:31:21,320 --> 00:31:23,680
Speaker 1: wanting to be around people. I was so depressed. I mean,

563
00:31:23,720 --> 00:31:28,000
Speaker 1: I lost everything. One incident that happened with the Women's

564
00:31:28,120 --> 00:31:32,840
Speaker 1: March created a situation where all of my income was impacted.

565
00:31:33,200 --> 00:31:35,160
Speaker 1: For the first time in my life. I sent the

566
00:31:35,240 --> 00:31:39,600
Speaker 1: text message to a number of people asking for folks

567
00:31:39,640 --> 00:31:43,400
Speaker 1: to send money because I didn't have. UM. That had

568
00:31:43,440 --> 00:31:45,800
Speaker 1: never happened, so much so that people called to see

569
00:31:45,840 --> 00:31:48,840
Speaker 1: if I had been like my phone was taken over

570
00:31:49,000 --> 00:31:51,240
Speaker 1: by aliens or something, because they were like, this is

571
00:31:51,320 --> 00:31:54,000
Speaker 1: never like what is this? But I was in that

572
00:31:54,080 --> 00:31:56,080
Speaker 1: type of trouble. How long ago this was? This is

573
00:31:56,080 --> 00:31:58,560
Speaker 1: a two thousand nineteen, It's not that long. It wasn't

574
00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:01,120
Speaker 1: this is very rare. Every reason. I tell people all

575
00:32:01,160 --> 00:32:03,200
Speaker 1: the time and they're like, oh, you don't don't know. No,

576
00:32:03,320 --> 00:32:07,040
Speaker 1: I understand. I was in a very dire situation, um

577
00:32:07,160 --> 00:32:11,480
Speaker 1: and so uh so Jason he set me up to

578
00:32:11,520 --> 00:32:15,560
Speaker 1: go to rehab. And while I was there, it wasn't

579
00:32:15,600 --> 00:32:18,080
Speaker 1: so much that I learned a lot, Angie, But what

580
00:32:18,120 --> 00:32:20,720
Speaker 1: I will say is that I was at the bottom

581
00:32:21,560 --> 00:32:24,720
Speaker 1: right Like I'm in rehab, I'm like in a dark

582
00:32:24,880 --> 00:32:28,040
Speaker 1: room on these white people drugs because they don't give

583
00:32:28,080 --> 00:32:31,400
Speaker 1: black folks these types of drugs that just go to

584
00:32:31,560 --> 00:32:35,160
Speaker 1: the local detox program. You go through a lot of

585
00:32:35,160 --> 00:32:37,719
Speaker 1: suffering and whatnot. I know because I checked into it.

586
00:32:38,240 --> 00:32:41,480
Speaker 1: These programs. Even when you're in there, you're like, you're

587
00:32:41,520 --> 00:32:45,920
Speaker 1: see I went to the program and I was like

588
00:32:46,040 --> 00:32:48,240
Speaker 1: and then when I went to I'm like, uh, this

589
00:32:48,280 --> 00:32:51,560
Speaker 1: stuff you almost don't even feel. But then you have

590
00:32:51,640 --> 00:32:54,760
Speaker 1: to go home, and that's where the challenges. While you're

591
00:32:54,800 --> 00:32:57,840
Speaker 1: in there, it's it's painful, and it's dark, and it's

592
00:32:57,920 --> 00:33:00,520
Speaker 1: all of that, but it's when you have to start

593
00:33:00,600 --> 00:33:03,600
Speaker 1: coming down off of what they're treating you with that

594
00:33:03,720 --> 00:33:06,840
Speaker 1: numbs you and then you start to have to deal

595
00:33:06,920 --> 00:33:10,000
Speaker 1: with yourself that's the ship that I went through. It

596
00:33:10,040 --> 00:33:12,600
Speaker 1: wasn't so in the rehab yet. It was dark. I

597
00:33:12,680 --> 00:33:14,920
Speaker 1: was in the dark room and I was sitting there thinking,

598
00:33:14,960 --> 00:33:19,480
Speaker 1: how the hell did you, of all the people get

599
00:33:19,520 --> 00:33:21,960
Speaker 1: your behind in here? Like you can't ever come back?

600
00:33:22,000 --> 00:33:25,520
Speaker 1: And that was the main That was the conversation in

601
00:33:25,720 --> 00:33:31,200
Speaker 1: rehab was we will never ever be back here. But

602
00:33:31,280 --> 00:33:33,400
Speaker 1: when I got out, I had to. First of all,

603
00:33:33,440 --> 00:33:38,840
Speaker 1: I was physically weak. I was embarrassed. My parents now knew,

604
00:33:39,920 --> 00:33:43,720
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. My son knew. I had

605
00:33:43,760 --> 00:33:45,640
Speaker 1: to tell him because I didn't know what would happen

606
00:33:45,680 --> 00:33:47,720
Speaker 1: in rehab. So I had to let them know. And

607
00:33:47,800 --> 00:33:49,400
Speaker 1: that was when they first found out. It was even

608
00:33:49,440 --> 00:33:53,479
Speaker 1: going on just days before I went in. Um I was,

609
00:33:53,880 --> 00:33:56,280
Speaker 1: I was. I was just sick of myself, you know,

610
00:33:56,360 --> 00:34:00,200
Speaker 1: I was sick of myself. I don't know if this

611
00:34:00,280 --> 00:34:02,960
Speaker 1: is okay to ask. I guess I'm wondering if you

612
00:34:02,960 --> 00:34:04,800
Speaker 1: still had hope in those moments, because people who don't

613
00:34:04,840 --> 00:34:07,960
Speaker 1: have hope, they might they might consider no. I think

614
00:34:08,000 --> 00:34:11,040
Speaker 1: I was hoping that I went and wake up, but

615
00:34:11,120 --> 00:34:13,560
Speaker 1: I would never take my own life. However, I was

616
00:34:13,600 --> 00:34:19,400
Speaker 1: working on it. Like that's the volume of drugs that

617
00:34:19,440 --> 00:34:24,000
Speaker 1: I was taking. I was working on it, but not

618
00:34:24,640 --> 00:34:28,200
Speaker 1: admitting to myself that I was in the process of

619
00:34:28,280 --> 00:34:32,960
Speaker 1: killing me. Yeah, it was real dark. You weren't consciously

620
00:34:33,360 --> 00:34:36,640
Speaker 1: trying to commit suicide, but you were also like if

621
00:34:36,680 --> 00:34:42,880
Speaker 1: it happens, And it wasn't because of the you know

622
00:34:43,280 --> 00:34:46,600
Speaker 1: when I think about it and then try to tap

623
00:34:46,719 --> 00:34:49,759
Speaker 1: in the hone in on it. It wasn't the like, oh,

624
00:34:49,800 --> 00:34:52,120
Speaker 1: they took this from me, and they took that from me.

625
00:34:52,920 --> 00:34:56,879
Speaker 1: It was more so finding out who was really with

626
00:34:56,960 --> 00:35:00,319
Speaker 1: me when I was in a dark place. That's the

627
00:35:00,320 --> 00:35:04,040
Speaker 1: ship that really hurt, because then I learned that even

628
00:35:04,160 --> 00:35:07,200
Speaker 1: people I served and worked with wouldn't stand up for me.

629
00:35:08,239 --> 00:35:10,839
Speaker 1: And I was like, wow, like this is real, like

630
00:35:10,920 --> 00:35:13,880
Speaker 1: your bites, Why do you think God does that? I

631
00:35:13,920 --> 00:35:16,600
Speaker 1: don't thinking, Well, I tell you one thing, I'm as

632
00:35:16,600 --> 00:35:19,359
Speaker 1: strong as I've ever been. Okay, so then that's probably why.

633
00:35:19,480 --> 00:35:22,040
Speaker 1: So I guess that's the But he could have done

634
00:35:22,239 --> 00:35:26,000
Speaker 1: some other like you know, I had that. I used

635
00:35:26,000 --> 00:35:28,919
Speaker 1: to ask myself, like you could have I'm a smart girl.

636
00:35:29,000 --> 00:35:32,080
Speaker 1: I would have paid attention. You could get that's severe,

637
00:35:32,480 --> 00:35:37,600
Speaker 1: you know, situation, you know, But what we are strong

638
00:35:37,920 --> 00:35:41,040
Speaker 1: and kind of stubborn women, and maybe we wouldn't have

639
00:35:41,120 --> 00:35:43,319
Speaker 1: gotten whatever messages we were. But you know what, I

640
00:35:43,400 --> 00:35:46,759
Speaker 1: realized I was going to keep it to myself. I

641
00:35:46,800 --> 00:35:49,040
Speaker 1: was never gonna tell anybody. Nobody needed to know. Jason

642
00:35:49,080 --> 00:35:51,560
Speaker 1: wasn't gonna tell anybody. Still to today, I'm like, dude,

643
00:35:51,600 --> 00:35:53,439
Speaker 1: when you do an interview with me to talk about

644
00:35:53,480 --> 00:35:55,440
Speaker 1: how I got into program, He's like, yeah, we'll call me,

645
00:35:55,480 --> 00:35:57,120
Speaker 1: and then he didn't. I never you know, I don't

646
00:35:57,160 --> 00:35:59,360
Speaker 1: know if Jason he's not gonna talk about it. Rachel's

647
00:35:59,360 --> 00:36:01,000
Speaker 1: not gonna tell any Right, she's my friend. She's not

648
00:36:01,040 --> 00:36:04,000
Speaker 1: gonna tell anybody anything. So nobody really had My family

649
00:36:04,000 --> 00:36:06,840
Speaker 1: wouldn't know about would have known my family members, do

650
00:36:07,040 --> 00:36:09,319
Speaker 1: they Some of them will probably see this and be

651
00:36:09,480 --> 00:36:12,879
Speaker 1: like what, Like they had no idea because that's how

652
00:36:12,960 --> 00:36:16,560
Speaker 1: much people protect me within my family, right, So I

653
00:36:16,640 --> 00:36:18,719
Speaker 1: was never gonna talk about it. And then I realized

654
00:36:18,760 --> 00:36:22,240
Speaker 1: one day, this is not your story. This is God's story.

655
00:36:22,320 --> 00:36:24,400
Speaker 1: So how do you get to keep it? It's selfish

656
00:36:24,600 --> 00:36:27,320
Speaker 1: not to because there is somebody And by the way,

657
00:36:27,400 --> 00:36:30,760
Speaker 1: I've helped at least four people that are high profile

658
00:36:30,840 --> 00:36:35,800
Speaker 1: individuals deal with their issues since they found out about

659
00:36:35,840 --> 00:36:41,920
Speaker 1: mine drug or depression or both depression drugs, mostly drugs.

660
00:36:42,600 --> 00:36:45,640
Speaker 1: Three people with drugs and one person with just depression

661
00:36:45,800 --> 00:36:48,120
Speaker 1: that needed to go somewhere and get themselves together. What

662
00:36:48,200 --> 00:36:50,279
Speaker 1: is the another one thing to tell them? You don't

663
00:36:50,280 --> 00:36:53,680
Speaker 1: have it under control. You have to you gotta go

664
00:36:53,760 --> 00:36:55,640
Speaker 1: to somebody else to help you. You don't have an

665
00:36:55,680 --> 00:36:57,920
Speaker 1: under control. Everybody says that they start off. They tell

666
00:36:58,000 --> 00:37:01,759
Speaker 1: me they have it under control because we like to

667
00:37:01,760 --> 00:37:07,080
Speaker 1: be it makes us feel I don't know, nobody does.

668
00:37:07,120 --> 00:37:09,000
Speaker 1: I just wanted before we have a couple of things

669
00:37:09,040 --> 00:37:12,319
Speaker 1: that I ask everybody in these little conversations. I love

670
00:37:12,360 --> 00:37:14,640
Speaker 1: that you took a break by the way from I

671
00:37:14,680 --> 00:37:17,040
Speaker 1: saw your post. This is your post from the other day.

672
00:37:17,360 --> 00:37:20,360
Speaker 1: You took a trauma post break. Yeah, no posting of

673
00:37:20,760 --> 00:37:24,239
Speaker 1: people dying on my page. I can't take that. You

674
00:37:24,239 --> 00:37:27,400
Speaker 1: mean the actual like or just people send me pictures

675
00:37:27,440 --> 00:37:30,760
Speaker 1: of things that if you saw it, you would be like,

676
00:37:31,160 --> 00:37:34,920
Speaker 1: what is this? People send me pictures. I have video

677
00:37:35,360 --> 00:37:42,000
Speaker 1: of membrane from Buffalo that I'm not seen online. So

678
00:37:42,040 --> 00:37:46,560
Speaker 1: I'm just saying, like, people send me because all that

679
00:37:46,600 --> 00:37:48,840
Speaker 1: inside your little cute little body. But I don't really

680
00:37:48,840 --> 00:37:50,799
Speaker 1: watch it. It's like, as soon as I open and

681
00:37:50,840 --> 00:37:55,279
Speaker 1: I see things, I'm like, I don't watch videos. I'm

682
00:37:55,320 --> 00:37:58,120
Speaker 1: at the point now where I'm like, it doesn't even

683
00:37:58,120 --> 00:38:01,280
Speaker 1: make everybody knows it's all happening. Yes, it's bad, it's terrible,

684
00:38:01,280 --> 00:38:03,520
Speaker 1: it's shooting, this killing. It's just that the third there's

685
00:38:03,520 --> 00:38:05,200
Speaker 1: no reason for me to have to keep posting all

686
00:38:05,239 --> 00:38:08,160
Speaker 1: of that. What people need now is like what to do?

687
00:38:08,440 --> 00:38:10,520
Speaker 1: Where could they go? So if you the post that

688
00:38:10,560 --> 00:38:13,799
Speaker 1: you're talking about, I'm like, we have to support black

689
00:38:13,880 --> 00:38:18,319
Speaker 1: led organizations because I saw that Every Town UM which

690
00:38:18,360 --> 00:38:21,640
Speaker 1: is a white lead or at least yeah, it's white

691
00:38:21,680 --> 00:38:26,560
Speaker 1: left Bluebird started, it's white left gun violence prevention organization,

692
00:38:26,600 --> 00:38:28,360
Speaker 1: which I think they do great work. So I'm not

693
00:38:28,360 --> 00:38:30,479
Speaker 1: trying to say and I think they should have two

694
00:38:30,520 --> 00:38:32,960
Speaker 1: million or whatever has been raised for them over the weekend.

695
00:38:33,440 --> 00:38:35,960
Speaker 1: But then you look at like Live Free and Life Camp,

696
00:38:36,000 --> 00:38:38,880
Speaker 1: which is Erica and others who do this work, Black

697
00:38:39,200 --> 00:38:44,239
Speaker 1: lead UM gun violence organizations, they raised ten thousand, five

698
00:38:44,360 --> 00:38:48,320
Speaker 1: hundred five thousand, why like why? And by the way,

699
00:38:48,840 --> 00:38:53,480
Speaker 1: celebrities who are friends of ours are the ones pushing

700
00:38:54,200 --> 00:38:57,759
Speaker 1: because they're there, their management and the pr like half

701
00:38:57,760 --> 00:39:00,680
Speaker 1: of the time it was Memorial weekend. Most of the

702
00:39:00,719 --> 00:39:03,879
Speaker 1: people don't even know what God posted. They just are

703
00:39:03,960 --> 00:39:06,279
Speaker 1: like you did you know? They act checking with their team,

704
00:39:06,320 --> 00:39:09,359
Speaker 1: make sure we're out there on this issue. And then

705
00:39:09,360 --> 00:39:12,239
Speaker 1: it's like, oh, yeah, no, got it right, But not

706
00:39:12,520 --> 00:39:17,160
Speaker 1: enough of our celebrities are looking at well, which organization

707
00:39:17,280 --> 00:39:22,720
Speaker 1: are you pushing on my socials? You know, so people

708
00:39:22,760 --> 00:39:26,080
Speaker 1: like Erica and others like her and until freedom. To

709
00:39:26,160 --> 00:39:28,040
Speaker 1: be clear, let me make sure I say my own

710
00:39:28,200 --> 00:39:34,520
Speaker 1: organization we don't get the support, but others do. So

711
00:39:34,600 --> 00:39:38,240
Speaker 1: that that for me is a solution based conversation around

712
00:39:38,280 --> 00:39:41,120
Speaker 1: what can we do? I get that. It just struck

713
00:39:41,160 --> 00:39:43,920
Speaker 1: me because you said I keep wanting to post my

714
00:39:43,960 --> 00:39:45,759
Speaker 1: thoughts and a lot of things, but I'm not even

715
00:39:45,840 --> 00:39:50,920
Speaker 1: breathing normally. How do we get you breathing normally? You

716
00:39:51,000 --> 00:39:52,799
Speaker 1: gotta be able to like can do you have? Can

717
00:39:52,840 --> 00:39:58,200
Speaker 1: you who can? Like? Where do we start? Like? I mean,

718
00:39:58,560 --> 00:40:02,080
Speaker 1: like you gotta go to to like the forefathers or

719
00:40:02,120 --> 00:40:05,919
Speaker 1: something like this is this is? Do you think Let's

720
00:40:05,920 --> 00:40:08,960
Speaker 1: say I don't know how much time any of us have.

721
00:40:09,120 --> 00:40:12,640
Speaker 1: Let's say we can you maintain this for your whole life? No?

722
00:40:12,800 --> 00:40:14,880
Speaker 1: And I'm not going to. I have young mentees that

723
00:40:14,960 --> 00:40:19,160
Speaker 1: are badass. They they're bad than me. They're smart, and

724
00:40:19,200 --> 00:40:21,680
Speaker 1: they're ready, and one day I'm going to be like

725
00:40:22,920 --> 00:40:28,520
Speaker 1: chairman of something and you know, doing other business ventures. Hopefully,

726
00:40:28,600 --> 00:40:31,640
Speaker 1: hopefully I'm able to fulfill those dreams and they're going

727
00:40:31,680 --> 00:40:35,880
Speaker 1: to be leading. That won't be my problem, you know.

728
00:40:36,640 --> 00:40:39,279
Speaker 1: And I think that's the woman's touch. I think that's

729
00:40:39,320 --> 00:40:45,000
Speaker 1: the leadership, uh skill that women have that some of

730
00:40:45,040 --> 00:40:54,319
Speaker 1: our brethren don't necessarily possess clothing until being rooted. And Okay,

731
00:40:54,320 --> 00:40:56,280
Speaker 1: a couple of things. If today this is the Steve

732
00:40:56,360 --> 00:40:59,719
Speaker 1: Jobs quote that kind of inspire somewhat this conversation, If

733
00:40:59,719 --> 00:41:01,480
Speaker 1: today were the last day of your life, would you

734
00:41:01,480 --> 00:41:05,760
Speaker 1: want to do what you're about to do today? Yeah?

735
00:41:06,080 --> 00:41:09,840
Speaker 1: I was. I'm sitting here with you. This is a

736
00:41:09,920 --> 00:41:13,120
Speaker 1: big pleasure. Do you think that every day you live

737
00:41:13,200 --> 00:41:14,840
Speaker 1: that way? That you do what you want to do?

738
00:41:14,920 --> 00:41:19,680
Speaker 1: Every day? Yeah? I mean yeah, Yeah, I'm older now,

739
00:41:20,160 --> 00:41:23,120
Speaker 1: I'm about to turn forty two in days. It's a

740
00:41:23,120 --> 00:41:28,719
Speaker 1: whole new ballgame. You nobody tells me ship now like

741
00:41:28,800 --> 00:41:31,120
Speaker 1: it was in time when I was running around like

742
00:41:31,280 --> 00:41:37,200
Speaker 1: just trying to serve everybody and now no, no, no, no,

743
00:41:37,239 --> 00:41:39,400
Speaker 1: they know it too. My my team, They like, she

744
00:41:39,560 --> 00:41:42,080
Speaker 1: living her best life I've lived. I want people to

745
00:41:42,120 --> 00:41:45,440
Speaker 1: know I'm happy to have living my best life in

746
00:41:45,520 --> 00:41:50,319
Speaker 1: between working and mentoring and being there when they called me,

747
00:41:50,560 --> 00:41:52,719
Speaker 1: I have so many young people called me. They're like,

748
00:41:52,760 --> 00:41:54,560
Speaker 1: we should do this and this. I'm like doing it

749
00:41:56,480 --> 00:41:59,960
Speaker 1: can invite me. And I asked you how I support

750
00:42:00,160 --> 00:42:04,000
Speaker 1: you and your work? How do we support you? How

751
00:42:04,080 --> 00:42:11,560
Speaker 1: do what? Do you need a husband? Yeah, it's about

752
00:42:11,600 --> 00:42:15,719
Speaker 1: that you find him for you. And it's meanwhile, I

753
00:42:15,760 --> 00:42:18,440
Speaker 1: don't want one, but I want one, you know, I'm

754
00:42:18,480 --> 00:42:21,239
Speaker 1: not ready. What part of it do you want? Well,

755
00:42:21,280 --> 00:42:24,919
Speaker 1: you know, it's just time for me to have a

756
00:42:24,960 --> 00:42:29,919
Speaker 1: partner too. Just start building with you know what I mean,

757
00:42:30,040 --> 00:42:35,359
Speaker 1: like building, buying and figuring out life and and I'm

758
00:42:35,440 --> 00:42:39,320
Speaker 1: and I'm I have people around me that support everything

759
00:42:39,360 --> 00:42:42,960
Speaker 1: I do. That it's a different level of intimacy, you know.

760
00:42:43,080 --> 00:42:46,400
Speaker 1: And so it's time for that. It's time. Are you

761
00:42:46,400 --> 00:42:50,560
Speaker 1: making space? I'm not ready, but I'm getting ready. I'm

762
00:42:50,600 --> 00:42:54,479
Speaker 1: getting ready. I'm getting ready spiritually. How for it? How

763
00:42:54,520 --> 00:42:58,799
Speaker 1: important is love in the equation of you in your

764
00:42:58,840 --> 00:43:01,640
Speaker 1: full life? You know? How important is love that different

765
00:43:01,680 --> 00:43:04,960
Speaker 1: type of love like I mean not mean your child

766
00:43:05,000 --> 00:43:08,640
Speaker 1: and your family. I know, I know what romantic love. Yes,

767
00:43:08,760 --> 00:43:12,080
Speaker 1: it's time. It's time, Like you do you value that

768
00:43:12,200 --> 00:43:13,680
Speaker 1: or do you like? If I get it, I get it.

769
00:43:13,680 --> 00:43:16,680
Speaker 1: If I don't what, I'm fine. If it's gonna be problematic,

770
00:43:16,719 --> 00:43:21,280
Speaker 1: I'm good. If it's gonna be stress and drama and whatever,

771
00:43:21,480 --> 00:43:23,440
Speaker 1: I'm good. Like are you one of those women that

772
00:43:23,440 --> 00:43:27,200
Speaker 1: could live happy, live fine without it? But I'm ready

773
00:43:27,280 --> 00:43:33,520
Speaker 1: to try. Um, I need to try, she said, husband,

774
00:43:34,200 --> 00:43:36,480
Speaker 1: Like you know, I mean I can, I can call

775
00:43:36,560 --> 00:43:39,640
Speaker 1: you on any given Tuesday, like, yeah, I need you

776
00:43:39,680 --> 00:43:41,680
Speaker 1: to do this about this and I need that. Can

777
00:43:41,719 --> 00:43:45,759
Speaker 1: you make it? But the top ship is like can

778
00:43:45,840 --> 00:43:49,719
Speaker 1: you help me find my husband? I have that conversation

779
00:43:49,719 --> 00:43:53,239
Speaker 1: with many of my girlfriends. I know yet to fully

780
00:43:53,520 --> 00:43:59,359
Speaker 1: I make good suggestions. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, Like

781
00:43:59,480 --> 00:44:05,120
Speaker 1: this is yourself. Yeah I know, And there's a few prospects,

782
00:44:05,200 --> 00:44:08,399
Speaker 1: but you know, it's got to be able to keep up.

783
00:44:08,880 --> 00:44:11,120
Speaker 1: How they have to be able. They got to be

784
00:44:11,800 --> 00:44:15,160
Speaker 1: mature enough to know just what I said when we

785
00:44:15,200 --> 00:44:19,640
Speaker 1: started that Sometimes I just gotta go and then when

786
00:44:19,719 --> 00:44:22,520
Speaker 1: I'm gone, it's like a world. It's like, it's not

787
00:44:22,600 --> 00:44:24,600
Speaker 1: like I'm gone, but I'm on the phone with you

788
00:44:24,640 --> 00:44:28,560
Speaker 1: all day. I can't. I'm not that girl, right like,

789
00:44:28,800 --> 00:44:31,839
Speaker 1: and there's that girl, but I'm not her, and I'm like,

790
00:44:32,280 --> 00:44:34,560
Speaker 1: but you know, and I need to know that I

791
00:44:34,560 --> 00:44:38,839
Speaker 1: could trust you and we can still build even though

792
00:44:38,960 --> 00:44:41,959
Speaker 1: there's a lot of like movement and that's not easy

793
00:44:42,000 --> 00:44:46,799
Speaker 1: to find because something because people need what they need. Okay, um,

794
00:44:47,080 --> 00:44:49,200
Speaker 1: let me talk about the title of this one second

795
00:44:49,600 --> 00:44:53,120
Speaker 1: is uh, We're all gonna die. How does that thought

796
00:44:53,160 --> 00:44:55,000
Speaker 1: make you feel? Are you somebody who's afraid of death?

797
00:44:55,600 --> 00:44:58,799
Speaker 1: There's no way I couldn't do what I did. I

798
00:44:58,840 --> 00:45:02,160
Speaker 1: had to accept the long time ago death is very possible.

799
00:45:02,800 --> 00:45:06,120
Speaker 1: And only because this is being broadcasts. I won't tell

800
00:45:06,160 --> 00:45:09,719
Speaker 1: you what my biggest fear of how I could die,

801
00:45:09,920 --> 00:45:12,160
Speaker 1: because I do have that, Like, Lord, just don't let

802
00:45:12,160 --> 00:45:15,480
Speaker 1: it be this way. But otherwise I expect that at

803
00:45:15,480 --> 00:45:18,120
Speaker 1: any given moment, it could happen. You think about it.

804
00:45:18,360 --> 00:45:22,360
Speaker 1: I don't even think about it anymore now because to

805
00:45:22,520 --> 00:45:26,640
Speaker 1: think about it is to hesitate two moves, and I don't.

806
00:45:26,680 --> 00:45:29,640
Speaker 1: I can't now as I get older, though, the younger

807
00:45:29,680 --> 00:45:32,879
Speaker 1: people that work with me. I'm concerned for them more

808
00:45:33,000 --> 00:45:36,680
Speaker 1: like you shouldn't wait. Maybe because I'm getting older, you know,

809
00:45:36,800 --> 00:45:41,319
Speaker 1: so it's just natural. But the hesitation of we might die,

810
00:45:41,680 --> 00:45:43,640
Speaker 1: I don't have that as much as I used to. Do.

811
00:45:43,680 --> 00:45:45,360
Speaker 1: You have to figures you have the trauma of losing

812
00:45:45,400 --> 00:45:50,640
Speaker 1: someone you love and I almost died myself. So do

813
00:45:50,680 --> 00:45:52,520
Speaker 1: you worry about other people? Because I remember when I

814
00:45:52,680 --> 00:45:55,280
Speaker 1: like I have to have my car incident, I would

815
00:45:55,360 --> 00:45:57,520
Speaker 1: literally have pain in my chest with my mother. Would

816
00:45:57,520 --> 00:45:58,800
Speaker 1: be like I'm going to the store of getting in

817
00:45:58,840 --> 00:46:00,840
Speaker 1: the car, but mother in the car, my son in

818
00:46:00,840 --> 00:46:04,759
Speaker 1: the car. The trauma. Are worrying about my son a

819
00:46:04,840 --> 00:46:10,440
Speaker 1: lot too much? But yeah, no, but it's different because

820
00:46:11,160 --> 00:46:15,279
Speaker 1: although I think somebody may use him against me, you know,

821
00:46:15,360 --> 00:46:17,600
Speaker 1: so I worry about that when we will pray up

822
00:46:17,600 --> 00:46:20,160
Speaker 1: for him, yeah, well you know he's there. They have

823
00:46:20,360 --> 00:46:23,799
Speaker 1: prayer circles about my child. But I will say that

824
00:46:24,080 --> 00:46:29,399
Speaker 1: thank you for that. Um. Now that the elders were

825
00:46:29,440 --> 00:46:33,799
Speaker 1: shot at the grocery store, that Billy messed me up

826
00:46:34,280 --> 00:46:36,840
Speaker 1: because my parents that's their day. They go to the

827
00:46:36,880 --> 00:46:40,160
Speaker 1: grocery store. They go to the Dollar General. The Dollar

828
00:46:40,280 --> 00:46:44,399
Speaker 1: General is like a like an outing for my mom

829
00:46:44,480 --> 00:46:48,640
Speaker 1: and her friends, and to think that something like that

830
00:46:48,680 --> 00:46:51,880
Speaker 1: could happen even though we already know, but you don't know,

831
00:46:51,960 --> 00:46:54,400
Speaker 1: and we should never normalize it where we're like, oh no,

832
00:46:56,000 --> 00:47:00,279
Speaker 1: it's not okay. That does make me feel concerned. There

833
00:47:00,360 --> 00:47:03,520
Speaker 1: is so much happening that people don't even know like that.

834
00:47:03,800 --> 00:47:06,120
Speaker 1: Like I said, the emails, the text, the things that

835
00:47:06,160 --> 00:47:09,719
Speaker 1: I received with stories from around the nation of all

836
00:47:09,800 --> 00:47:13,960
Speaker 1: kinds of incidents, that, yeah, that does worry me because

837
00:47:14,000 --> 00:47:17,680
Speaker 1: I know how real it is. It's like at your house,

838
00:47:18,000 --> 00:47:20,440
Speaker 1: but you don't know it because you're living in this

839
00:47:21,120 --> 00:47:25,880
Speaker 1: bliss of your world and it's actually possible at any moment,

840
00:47:25,920 --> 00:47:29,880
Speaker 1: in any space, and it's getting closer and closer. And

841
00:47:29,920 --> 00:47:31,680
Speaker 1: cause you think the people in Buffalo thought that they

842
00:47:31,719 --> 00:47:34,200
Speaker 1: were going to shoot up the grocery store, Do you

843
00:47:34,239 --> 00:47:39,520
Speaker 1: think for one minute that children immigrant children for the

844
00:47:39,560 --> 00:47:41,520
Speaker 1: most part, I mean, I'm sure you know many of

845
00:47:41,520 --> 00:47:43,600
Speaker 1: them were born here, but still there were a lot

846
00:47:43,600 --> 00:47:48,040
Speaker 1: of immigrant families in the school in Texas. You think

847
00:47:48,080 --> 00:47:51,640
Speaker 1: they think they thought that another young man that looked

848
00:47:51,680 --> 00:47:54,920
Speaker 1: like them would come in there and shoot children, and

849
00:47:54,960 --> 00:47:57,000
Speaker 1: that the police would just let it happen. For over

850
00:47:57,040 --> 00:48:02,200
Speaker 1: an hour, no. So while you are here to make

851
00:48:02,239 --> 00:48:05,240
Speaker 1: a me, what can I do? No? What is your purpose?

852
00:48:08,880 --> 00:48:15,319
Speaker 1: I think that my purpose is to never allow the

853
00:48:15,520 --> 00:48:23,000
Speaker 1: behavior of like the disgusting behavior of this nation, to

854
00:48:23,200 --> 00:48:28,040
Speaker 1: go silently, just to let it happen without someone being

855
00:48:28,080 --> 00:48:31,400
Speaker 1: here to speak truth to power. I think when I

856
00:48:31,440 --> 00:48:34,200
Speaker 1: was in school as a kid, I used to talk

857
00:48:34,320 --> 00:48:37,000
Speaker 1: all the time, and my parents would be like you

858
00:48:37,160 --> 00:48:39,040
Speaker 1: and that mouth I used to hear all of the

859
00:48:39,160 --> 00:48:41,520
Speaker 1: yet mouth, we need to learn how to be quiet,

860
00:48:41,800 --> 00:48:45,279
Speaker 1: you know, And imagine like at that time, it was

861
00:48:45,600 --> 00:48:48,640
Speaker 1: I was a nuisance because I was talking at times

862
00:48:48,640 --> 00:48:51,040
Speaker 1: when I shouldn't have been. But maybe I should have

863
00:48:51,480 --> 00:48:54,600
Speaker 1: and maybe someone should have invested in me running my

864
00:48:54,640 --> 00:48:57,600
Speaker 1: mouth right, because look at me now, I run my

865
00:48:57,640 --> 00:49:01,800
Speaker 1: mouth for a living. And you know, now I realized

866
00:49:01,840 --> 00:49:04,520
Speaker 1: that that was actually the gift that God gave me,

867
00:49:05,000 --> 00:49:08,520
Speaker 1: was to say what others are afraid to say. And

868
00:49:09,840 --> 00:49:13,120
Speaker 1: here I am. You are. Do you think about your

869
00:49:13,160 --> 00:49:15,319
Speaker 1: legacy a lot? Like do you think about because we've

870
00:49:15,320 --> 00:49:17,200
Speaker 1: lost a lot of people, even in hip hop culture,

871
00:49:17,280 --> 00:49:19,879
Speaker 1: We've lost artists, and you know what, sometimes and maybe

872
00:49:19,880 --> 00:49:21,440
Speaker 1: I think about this type of stuff too much, but

873
00:49:21,520 --> 00:49:24,200
Speaker 1: like you know, we see people that we love, they

874
00:49:24,320 --> 00:49:27,920
Speaker 1: loved figures and they're gone, and we have two days

875
00:49:27,920 --> 00:49:32,439
Speaker 1: of Instagram posts and then it's there's maybe a year

876
00:49:32,520 --> 00:49:36,520
Speaker 1: later on the anniversary, there's opposed to to And then

877
00:49:36,560 --> 00:49:39,040
Speaker 1: I think about what what did they What did it mean?

878
00:49:39,120 --> 00:49:41,640
Speaker 1: What they worked so hard, they did all these things,

879
00:49:41,680 --> 00:49:44,640
Speaker 1: like what what does it mean? And so I wonder

880
00:49:44,680 --> 00:49:48,040
Speaker 1: for you, like what do you hope that your life

881
00:49:48,440 --> 00:49:52,800
Speaker 1: will mean? Well, I'm very clear that the afterlife is cool,

882
00:49:52,840 --> 00:49:55,440
Speaker 1: but it's the now, the here in it now that

883
00:49:55,560 --> 00:49:59,319
Speaker 1: makes your story. Like when you think about someone like

884
00:49:59,520 --> 00:50:02,200
Speaker 1: I don't know, O, I don't know anyway, there are

885
00:50:02,200 --> 00:50:05,320
Speaker 1: people that even you know, they don't have just two days,

886
00:50:05,880 --> 00:50:11,040
Speaker 1: They have a lot more um uh, not celebration, but

887
00:50:11,120 --> 00:50:16,120
Speaker 1: commemoration that happens around their lives and those those lives,

888
00:50:16,239 --> 00:50:19,800
Speaker 1: and that is because of the work that they've done,

889
00:50:20,480 --> 00:50:26,520
Speaker 1: the meaning there are meaningful work. I hope that I

890
00:50:26,520 --> 00:50:30,840
Speaker 1: am one that when I pass on, that the story

891
00:50:30,920 --> 00:50:33,480
Speaker 1: that people tell, that little dash between when I was

892
00:50:33,560 --> 00:50:36,520
Speaker 1: born and when I died, that it's one that's worthy

893
00:50:36,880 --> 00:50:42,480
Speaker 1: of uh, you know, great celebration. You know that it's

894
00:50:42,560 --> 00:50:47,440
Speaker 1: worthy of just kind words and continue feelings and of

895
00:50:47,640 --> 00:50:54,040
Speaker 1: people continuing the legacy building institution where things about what

896
00:50:54,120 --> 00:50:57,360
Speaker 1: I did and how I organized my books are used

897
00:50:57,960 --> 00:51:01,880
Speaker 1: to teach like that's really what I hope is that

898
00:51:01,920 --> 00:51:04,600
Speaker 1: they are a young activists and young leaders that say,

899
00:51:04,760 --> 00:51:06,640
Speaker 1: you know what, I like it where you could be

900
00:51:06,719 --> 00:51:09,480
Speaker 1: industry and have a bikini on at the same time.

901
00:51:10,520 --> 00:51:13,320
Speaker 1: Can I do that? Okay? So so no longer in

902
00:51:13,400 --> 00:51:15,920
Speaker 1: my box into this. I could be whatever it is

903
00:51:15,960 --> 00:51:18,560
Speaker 1: that I want to be. I could be gay, I

904
00:51:18,600 --> 00:51:22,880
Speaker 1: could be trans, I could be whatever it is. I

905
00:51:22,880 --> 00:51:25,040
Speaker 1: could be in a bikini. I could be I could

906
00:51:25,040 --> 00:51:28,040
Speaker 1: be a dancer, I could be a stripper. Doesn't mean

907
00:51:28,080 --> 00:51:30,200
Speaker 1: that I can't get up the next day and say, oh,

908
00:51:30,239 --> 00:51:32,640
Speaker 1: I care about black people, I care about brown people,

909
00:51:32,680 --> 00:51:36,080
Speaker 1: I care about injustice. That's my people. So when folks

910
00:51:36,080 --> 00:51:37,799
Speaker 1: say oh, and then I have to tell people when

911
00:51:37,800 --> 00:51:40,480
Speaker 1: they're like, oh, you shouldn't dress this way, you shouldn't

912
00:51:40,480 --> 00:51:42,960
Speaker 1: do this, I'm like, you actually think I'm talking to

913
00:51:43,040 --> 00:51:47,160
Speaker 1: the wrong audience. You haven't figured it out yet. You

914
00:51:47,280 --> 00:51:50,399
Speaker 1: think that I'm trying to appeal to you, and I'm not.

915
00:51:50,920 --> 00:51:56,320
Speaker 1: I'm looking for Ray Ryan, Kisha, street corners, strip clubs.

916
00:51:56,880 --> 00:51:59,759
Speaker 1: That's who I want to say she helped liberate be

917
00:52:01,000 --> 00:52:04,960
Speaker 1: that's my niche and every day it's a process, but

918
00:52:05,320 --> 00:52:08,400
Speaker 1: it's what I want to be remembered for. You've already

919
00:52:08,400 --> 00:52:12,640
Speaker 1: done enough. Yeah, you have to guess what they call

920
00:52:12,920 --> 00:52:15,160
Speaker 1: what have you done for me? Later? I mean, keep

921
00:52:15,200 --> 00:52:17,040
Speaker 1: doing it because it clearly fills you up, and you

922
00:52:17,120 --> 00:52:19,560
Speaker 1: clearly feel purpose in it, and you and we're grateful

923
00:52:19,600 --> 00:52:21,279
Speaker 1: for the work you do. But I'm just saying, if

924
00:52:21,280 --> 00:52:25,239
Speaker 1: you decided tomorrow to retire, you have done enough. Thank

925
00:52:25,280 --> 00:52:28,120
Speaker 1: you for saying that enough I feel it. I know

926
00:52:28,200 --> 00:52:30,640
Speaker 1: you don't, and I'm glad you do. You feel you've

927
00:52:30,640 --> 00:52:36,200
Speaker 1: done enough. I feel like you definitely have done enough.

928
00:52:36,360 --> 00:52:39,840
Speaker 1: I never feel like that. I always feel like like no,

929
00:52:40,600 --> 00:52:42,480
Speaker 1: if I if I felt like that, we wouldn't be

930
00:52:42,480 --> 00:52:47,840
Speaker 1: sitting here having this conversation sharing your story. Right. Is

931
00:52:47,840 --> 00:52:49,600
Speaker 1: there anything in your life you haven't done that you

932
00:52:49,640 --> 00:52:52,200
Speaker 1: want to do besides the husband? Is there a bucket

933
00:52:52,239 --> 00:52:55,759
Speaker 1: list item for you? Um? So, now, I think it's

934
00:52:55,760 --> 00:52:58,160
Speaker 1: all about traveling because I've done it. I've been to

935
00:52:58,200 --> 00:53:01,840
Speaker 1: the White House, I've been honored at the highest level. Listen,

936
00:53:02,120 --> 00:53:05,200
Speaker 1: Puff had me on the billboard. You know what I'm saying,

937
00:53:05,320 --> 00:53:07,319
Speaker 1: Like what are you gonna do like I've had I've

938
00:53:07,360 --> 00:53:11,400
Speaker 1: been honored by everybody in double a CP, you name it,

939
00:53:11,560 --> 00:53:16,960
Speaker 1: the community group, the Congressional black Hawk is everybody that

940
00:53:17,160 --> 00:53:21,600
Speaker 1: whether you want the time, one hundred most powerful people

941
00:53:22,080 --> 00:53:28,440
Speaker 1: and fortunes, fifty most influencial, I mean, everything you can

942
00:53:28,520 --> 00:53:31,600
Speaker 1: think of. I've had it. I've been honored by my

943
00:53:31,680 --> 00:53:35,920
Speaker 1: family friends. So now it's like, where do I go

944
00:53:36,239 --> 00:53:39,560
Speaker 1: that I can learn more and and put more in me?

945
00:53:40,440 --> 00:53:42,759
Speaker 1: That's what That's the bucket list. The bucket list is

946
00:53:42,800 --> 00:53:46,480
Speaker 1: about my personal development because I've done all I can

947
00:53:46,560 --> 00:53:50,480
Speaker 1: do in terms of proving that I care about the world,

948
00:53:51,640 --> 00:53:54,759
Speaker 1: but I haven't necessarily proved to myself how much I

949
00:53:54,840 --> 00:53:59,319
Speaker 1: love her? Are you working on that? That's my that's

950
00:53:59,320 --> 00:54:04,560
Speaker 1: my name thing. What do you ask God? Fix that?

951
00:54:04,600 --> 00:54:06,560
Speaker 1: You want to fix that? I think you have to

952
00:54:06,600 --> 00:54:10,200
Speaker 1: fix that, and I was gonna be good. I'm doing it.

953
00:54:10,200 --> 00:54:13,800
Speaker 1: It's a process, it's happening. It's a process. The proving

954
00:54:13,880 --> 00:54:15,680
Speaker 1: it doesn't mean that it hasn't begun and that I

955
00:54:15,719 --> 00:54:18,680
Speaker 1: don't understand it. Proving it is okay, So you so

956
00:54:18,760 --> 00:54:22,319
Speaker 1: we love me, Okay, we love her, show me and

957
00:54:22,400 --> 00:54:25,719
Speaker 1: I'm in that show her show time. What do you

958
00:54:25,760 --> 00:54:31,520
Speaker 1: ask God foremost my mom and dad to just live

959
00:54:31,840 --> 00:54:35,839
Speaker 1: peacefully and when their time is up to just let

960
00:54:35,920 --> 00:54:39,960
Speaker 1: it be peaceful and let them just know that we

961
00:54:40,120 --> 00:54:43,440
Speaker 1: appreciate them for everything they sacrifice to make us who

962
00:54:43,440 --> 00:54:47,160
Speaker 1: we are. It's all about me. The thing I say

963
00:54:47,200 --> 00:54:51,520
Speaker 1: to God every day is let them go out of

964
00:54:51,600 --> 00:54:55,360
Speaker 1: here with it in their heart that they put everything

965
00:54:55,440 --> 00:54:58,000
Speaker 1: they could. They came from the bottom, like you know

966
00:54:58,040 --> 00:55:01,560
Speaker 1: what I mean. They came from umble, humble, humble beginners.

967
00:55:01,600 --> 00:55:04,840
Speaker 1: My mom was in Alabama, my daddy was in North Carolina.

968
00:55:04,880 --> 00:55:07,280
Speaker 1: They came to New York with nothing, and they figured

969
00:55:07,320 --> 00:55:09,600
Speaker 1: it out. And look at their children. My sister has

970
00:55:09,640 --> 00:55:13,600
Speaker 1: three degrees, you know. My brother has a beautiful family.

971
00:55:14,000 --> 00:55:18,279
Speaker 1: My sister in North Carolina beautiful. And then there's me

972
00:55:18,680 --> 00:55:22,359
Speaker 1: that they all celebrate. They hold me up. Imagine two

973
00:55:22,520 --> 00:55:26,560
Speaker 1: people who had limited education that came here from the South,

974
00:55:27,200 --> 00:55:31,040
Speaker 1: the gym Crows South. That made it possible for us

975
00:55:31,040 --> 00:55:33,000
Speaker 1: to be in a situation where in that I could

976
00:55:33,000 --> 00:55:35,600
Speaker 1: stand in front of five million people around the world

977
00:55:36,080 --> 00:55:41,680
Speaker 1: and speak that's almost impossible, but I did it from

978
00:55:41,680 --> 00:55:46,319
Speaker 1: the projects in Harlem. Only Mommy and Daddy could make

979
00:55:46,360 --> 00:55:51,200
Speaker 1: that happen. They are just over the moon. But nonetheless

980
00:55:51,560 --> 00:55:54,760
Speaker 1: my mother is like, yeah, you cute, but you ain't

981
00:55:54,800 --> 00:56:01,160
Speaker 1: that cute. You show up for me at That's what

982
00:56:01,239 --> 00:56:04,880
Speaker 1: I pray for. God, help me have the means and

983
00:56:05,000 --> 00:56:08,200
Speaker 1: the mind to give them what they need. That's not

984
00:56:08,280 --> 00:56:10,400
Speaker 1: all about money, because they got their own money, so

985
00:56:10,440 --> 00:56:13,400
Speaker 1: it's not about that. It's about the being able to

986
00:56:13,480 --> 00:56:16,960
Speaker 1: think to help them keep you know, young and on

987
00:56:17,080 --> 00:56:19,520
Speaker 1: track because they're like, hey, I need you read these

988
00:56:19,520 --> 00:56:22,120
Speaker 1: papers with these things, and my dad's like what they say,

989
00:56:22,320 --> 00:56:24,080
Speaker 1: you know what I was supposed to do over here.

990
00:56:24,239 --> 00:56:27,360
Speaker 1: Want to keep them around, making them feel special and

991
00:56:27,480 --> 00:56:31,120
Speaker 1: making them feel loved. That's for me, that's the biggest thing. Beautiful,

992
00:56:31,800 --> 00:56:35,280
Speaker 1: Thank you baby, thank you. You're amazing. Thank you