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Speaker 1: This is cole Minor, John, this is coal Miner Sale.

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Speaker 2: And we have been digging for stories on the Okay

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Speaker 2: Storytime podcast as long as we can remember saying.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and we've found some diamonds of the rough, how

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Speaker 1: haven't we? John? That's right.

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Speaker 2: But before we do that, we have to wade through

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Speaker 2: two more minutes of incredible ads from our sponsors keeping

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Speaker 2: us finding more great stories on the show.

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Speaker 1: My date left me while we're having lunch.

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Speaker 3: Damn, yeah, there you go.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, I twenty six male, work in an engineering firm

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Speaker 4: that has a small office in a large office building.

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Speaker 4: Two doors down from us is a physical therapy office.

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Speaker 4: Although I'm an engineer, I kind of work at the

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Speaker 4: front desk of this office and I can see into

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Speaker 4: the hallway through the glass door. Every day, like clockwork,

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Speaker 4: a very attractive girl twenty eight female about my age,

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Speaker 4: walks past my door at least four times a day.

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Speaker 4: I'm concerned at how tracked you have this person.

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Speaker 1: Haha.

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Speaker 4: We had gotten into this pattern as an engineer. Yeah,

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Speaker 4: oh that is yeah, that is true.

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Speaker 1: That's fair. That's that's engineer brain. He's probably creating an

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Speaker 1: Excel spreadsheet without even thinking about it. Yeah, Yeah, he's

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Speaker 1: drawing out the the engineering map. What do they call those?

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Speaker 4: Oh, it's the blueprint, the blueprint, yes, blue bra just

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Speaker 4: called the blueprint engineering maning map. Wow, that's accurate though. Anyways,

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Speaker 4: we had gotten into this little pattern where we would

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Speaker 4: just give a friendly wave and smile. And this lasted

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Speaker 4: for about two months or so. And by the way,

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Speaker 4: this comes from user m dot c And if you

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Speaker 4: want to submit your own stories, go to the r

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Speaker 4: slash Okay storytime subreddit.

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Speaker 1: I'm Dakota, I'm Kevin.

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Speaker 3: I'm Keon and we are joined by a special guest today,

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Speaker 3: Kevin Nahai, who is a life in relationship coach and

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Speaker 3: therapist from Los Angeles working with individuals and couples around

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Speaker 3: the world. They've been in private practice for five years. Old,

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Speaker 3: bachelor's and master's degrees from USC, so he's a local guy.

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Speaker 3: Multiple coaching certifications, and are currently pursuing a PhD in

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Speaker 3: clinical psychology. Please welcome him.

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Speaker 1: Thank you, so welcome Kevin. Thank you, Dakota.

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Speaker 4: What's the USC chant? It's fight on, fight on, and.

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Speaker 3: Then you and then everyone shakes their car keys.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. I don't know about the car keys, but I

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Speaker 1: had to do a shameless plug. When when you said

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Speaker 1: that I went to USC, I had to say, okay,

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Speaker 1: shout out. You know, you know there's a whole US cult.

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Speaker 1: People who went to USC are obsessed with it. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I know. My girlfriend was USC. Oh, Okay, is she

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Speaker 1: annoying about it?

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Speaker 3: Like?

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Speaker 1: She's not annoyed? Was she? She's like?

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Speaker 3: I on?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean listen, Yeah. When I got to USC,

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Speaker 1: I was doing my orientation and everything. They would tell

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Speaker 1: me like, by the time you're done with your freshman

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Speaker 1: year here, you're going to be fully indoctrinated. And I

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Speaker 1: thought I was immune to it, but here we are.

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Speaker 1: I'm thirty three now and I'm still a full, full

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Speaker 1: full trojan, full blown trojan.

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Speaker 3: A trojan, always a trojan, right.

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Speaker 1: Well, that's what they tell me. Maybe that was this

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Speaker 1: guy's problem. He didn't go to USC, and that's why

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Speaker 1: he got left in the middle of his lunch. Poor

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Speaker 1: guy should have got you did you need a goop

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Speaker 1: of USC?

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Speaker 2: Man?

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Speaker 1: I don't would tell you, No, I'm just kidding. Well,

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Speaker 1: let's see what OP has to say out of the blue.

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Speaker 4: Last week, I got a call at my desk saying, Hi,

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Speaker 4: I hope you don't think I'm Psycho, but I'm the

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Speaker 4: girl you've been waving at for the past few months. Wow, okay,

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Speaker 4: I googled your firm's name, and I'm so glad you answered.

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Speaker 4: Because I left my building keys inside, which are attached

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Speaker 4: to my car keys, and since it was after ours,

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Speaker 4: I can't get in. Would you let me in?

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Speaker 3: Oh?

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Speaker 1: Wow?

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Speaker 4: Well, I mean, okay, you know what. I'm not even

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Speaker 4: gonna judge that yet. Let's just keep going. I did

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Speaker 4: let her in, and then her office was locked, so

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Speaker 4: she had to wait for her supervisor to come down

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Speaker 4: and unlock her office. I let her wait next to

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Speaker 4: my desk and we actually had a very nice conversation.

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Speaker 1: It turns out we have a lot in comment.

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Speaker 4: We are both from southern California, we both went to

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Speaker 4: schools in our new state. We have similar hobbies, surfing

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Speaker 4: being the big one, and we're.

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Speaker 1: Both huge fans of the comedian.

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Speaker 4: Jim Norton and Chipperson. We're also big fans of sushi.

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Speaker 4: Instead of just waving for the last two weeks, she

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Speaker 4: would pop open my door and do a chip joke.

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Speaker 4: To most people, these aren't funny, but if you are

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Speaker 4: a Chip Chipperson fan.

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Speaker 1: It's the ultimate inside joke. Okay.

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Speaker 4: I mean we're getting a little bit of rapport developed here.

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Speaker 1: I think, you know, they both like sushi, they both

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Speaker 1: like a comedian. There's some overlying things, you know, I

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Speaker 1: do question.

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Speaker 4: It's like she did ask you really because she's like,

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Speaker 4: I'm locked out of my office, right And it's like.

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Speaker 1: And then he kind of took that as an opening.

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Speaker 1: And but I mean, good for him for using that

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Speaker 1: as a back door to, you know, try to pursue

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Speaker 1: his dream. Let's say, I mean, it feels like there's

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Speaker 1: a little there is a crack in the door.

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Speaker 4: Yes, feels like the door is cracking open a little bit,

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Speaker 4: right op, he continues.

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Speaker 1: She was cracking me up every day, and I really

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Speaker 1: began to look forward to seeing her. Yesterday, when she

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Speaker 1: popped her head in, I said, will she gonna get

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Speaker 1: some raw fish or so something?

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Speaker 4: Again a chip joke that most people would not or

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Speaker 4: even should not get, And she said yes. So today

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Speaker 4: we went to lunch at a really awesome hole in

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Speaker 4: the wall sushi plays, and I thought we were having

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Speaker 4: an awesome time. We had some serious laughs and talked

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Speaker 4: some more towards the end of the lunch, she noticed

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Speaker 4: a guy she knew sitting at the bar who appeared

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Speaker 4: to be in his early fifties. She got up to

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Speaker 4: talk with him and came back saying, this is so crazy.

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Speaker 4: I haven't seen my friend over there in a few years.

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Speaker 4: Do you mind if he gives me a ride back?

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Speaker 4: I said no, even though I really did mind a little,

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Speaker 4: and maybe that's petty.

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Speaker 1: She reached over to give me a.

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Speaker 4: Hug, which made it even more confusing because that was

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Speaker 4: our first physical contact ever. To add to the confusion,

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Speaker 4: she apparently paid for everything, including the tip, on her

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Speaker 4: way out. I ended up sitting there for an extra

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Speaker 4: twenty minutes waiting for the bill, not realizing she had

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Speaker 4: already paid. I was left wondering what had just happened.

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Speaker 4: Did I get ditched for a much older guy? Was

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Speaker 4: she just being super rude? Should I have asserted myself

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Speaker 4: and said that I actually minded that she left? Did

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Speaker 4: she really just see an old friend? What do I

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Speaker 4: make of her paying for the meal? Should I even

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Speaker 4: bother to find out what went wrong? Or should I

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Speaker 4: just say our playful banter through my glass door is

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Speaker 4: as far as our relationship will ever go. Wow, there's

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Speaker 4: a good handful of questions right there.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it is. Do you have anything you would tell him? Sure?

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Speaker 1: First of all, as a general rule, what I always

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Speaker 1: tell my clients is that you can either play mind

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Speaker 1: reader or you can communicate, but not both. Now, if

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Speaker 1: it's a situation where you have a friendship, or you

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Speaker 1: have some type of relationship, or you have some type

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Speaker 1: of rapport with somebody you care about your relationship with them,

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Speaker 1: they're your coworker, You're going to see them every day,

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Speaker 1: something like that, then I would suggest you communicate. You ask, hey,

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Speaker 1: I got ditched. That felt a little bit weird. What

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Speaker 1: was that about? Was there something that I did to

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Speaker 1: offend you? Were you just in a rush to get

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Speaker 1: out of there? Right? But some form of communication it

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Speaker 1: seems vulnerable and it seems difficult to do, but it

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Speaker 1: always gives you an answer, and any answer is always

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Speaker 1: better than no answer. Yeah, I like that.

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Speaker 4: Any answers better than no answer, that's definitely. Having said that,

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Speaker 4: keep in that one in the book.

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Speaker 1: Having said that, there are times where like this, for example,

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Speaker 1: where you can avoid the person or you're probably never

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Speaker 1: going to have much of an interaction with them again.

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Speaker 1: And there are times where it's better to just let

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Speaker 1: it go by sheer virtue of the fact that the

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Speaker 1: possibilities are so infinite, like when he was asking did

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Speaker 1: I get ditched for an older guy? Or does she

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Speaker 1: have a secret boyfriend? Or was she just in a

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Speaker 1: rush to get out of there? You know, it could

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Speaker 1: be so many things that I think sometimes it's better

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Speaker 1: to just take the l and And it sucks because

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Speaker 1: he was really interested in her, and she did kind

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Speaker 1: of crack the door open, and she did agree to

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Speaker 1: the date, and what she did was was totally not cool.

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Speaker 1: The one thing that I will tell this gentleman the

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Speaker 1: op is that it probably wasn't his fault. There probably

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Speaker 1: wasn't a single action that he did that made her say,

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Speaker 1: oh my god, I need to get up and get

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Speaker 1: out of here right now because he's such a creeper

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Speaker 1: or whatever. She definitely has some sort of backstory that

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Speaker 1: we don't know about. Yeah, everyone's got their inner life exactly.

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Speaker 1: Anytime something happens like that where there's no explanation for it,

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Speaker 1: it's definitely because there's a backstory going on in the

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Speaker 1: background that we are not aware of, you know, because

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Speaker 1: if she thought that he was such a creep or

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Speaker 1: someone she really wanted to avoid in the first place.

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Speaker 1: She wouldn't have called him to ask him to be

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Speaker 1: the one to open the door about her keys. She

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Speaker 1: wouldn't have bantered with him in the office. You wouldn't

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Speaker 1: have agreed to go out on a date. But that

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Speaker 1: doesn't mean she doesn't have something going on in her

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Speaker 1: private life that we have no idea about. Yeah, So

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Speaker 1: ordinarily I would say communicate with the person and ask

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Speaker 1: questions and try to find out what happened. But in

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Speaker 1: this case, because the possibilities are infinite and there's no

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Speaker 1: way for us to know, I would say it's better

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Speaker 1: to just walk away.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean, if you wanted to play like the

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Speaker 4: inference game, it's like, all right, well, if she really

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Speaker 4: was interested in you and was really enjoying the date,

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Speaker 4: she probably wouldn't have just left. So regardless of all

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Speaker 4: of the other potentials, it's just like, well, you're probably

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Speaker 4: not going to be going on more dates with this person,

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Speaker 4: and that's okay, exactly.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, And I want to emphasize so that there's not

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Speaker 1: such a level of shame or such a so that

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Speaker 1: this guy doesn't spend so much time delving into introspection

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Speaker 1: of what did I do wrong? And could I have

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Speaker 1: done this this differently? I want to emphasize that that

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Speaker 1: type of odd behavior on her part is definitely an

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Speaker 1: indication that there's something going on in her life that

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Speaker 1: we don't know about. But the end result is the same,

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Speaker 1: which is you probably are not gonna go on more

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Speaker 1: dates with this girl, and it's probably best to just

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Speaker 1: walk away from it.

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Speaker 3: How would you navigate because for Oh, this is a

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Speaker 3: person that he sees on a daily basis, in a sense,

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Speaker 3: how would you navigate that?

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Speaker 1: So that's why I said, if it's somebody who you

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Speaker 1: know you're going to be interacting with, you know you're

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Speaker 1: going to be having a relationship with, then you should

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Speaker 1: communicate with them because otherwise the awkwardness is just lingering

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Speaker 1: and you still have to interact with them. I'm not

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Speaker 1: there in the office setting, so I don't know how

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Speaker 1: closely they interact, but I would guess that after she

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Speaker 1: ditched him on the date, she's probably trying to avoid

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Speaker 1: him out of embarrassment more than he needs to avoid her. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: So if I were him, I would just continue doing

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Speaker 1: his thing. Definitely, don't go out of your way to

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Speaker 1: wave to her or try to interact with her.

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Speaker 4: Stop building the Excel spreadsheet on your interactions together.

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Speaker 1: But I think key on that that that problem is

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Speaker 1: going to be solved for him because she now knows

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Speaker 1: that she ditched him on a date and slipped out

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Speaker 1: through the back door, which is a very odd thing

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Speaker 1: to do, and that awkwardness, I think is going to

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Speaker 1: cause her to feel like she has to avoid him.

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Speaker 4: Oh yeah, and my money is so on that it's like,

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Speaker 4: whoever that guy was at the bar.

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Speaker 1: She did not even know that guy. Na, she did

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Speaker 1: not know that guy.

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Speaker 4: She was just like I now feel like I I

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Speaker 4: thought I was going to like get something to eat

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Speaker 4: with like a friendly stranger. But now it's like it

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Speaker 4: feels like this guy maybe is like into me, and

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Speaker 4: I'm like, I didn't think that's what this was. Oh

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Speaker 4: my god, my old friend at the bar. Hi and

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Speaker 4: she's going at the bar like I just need you

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Speaker 4: to like this is just I need you to get

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Speaker 4: me out of here.

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Speaker 1: It's okay. I was just gonna leave and then you

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Speaker 1: come back. It's fine. That makes a better story for

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Speaker 1: you know, for Hollywood. But my money is one hundred

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Speaker 1: percent on. She knew that guy and he was not

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Speaker 1: an old friend. Oh okay, so yeah, she just it

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Speaker 1: was a guy, an acquaintance. It was someone that she

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Speaker 1: knew that quickly made her realize she needed to get

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Speaker 1: out of being on a date. Yeah with someone else. Okay,

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Speaker 1: but again, the possibilities are infinite, infinite possibilities. Oh, let's

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Speaker 1: get back into the story a little bit.

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Speaker 4: Op continues, as you can probably assume, I don't have

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Speaker 4: a lot of experience dating different girls. I had the

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Speaker 4: same girlfriend from tenth grade until grad school and have

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Speaker 4: not been with anyone since. So I really appreciate any help,

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Speaker 4: And we do have some comments from the internet here.

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Speaker 4: Comment one, Op, I just want to point out that

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Speaker 4: each little interaction you've had but this woman has been

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Speaker 4: significant to you. You're describing in great detail these little,

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Speaker 4: insignificant events, and you describe them as a crescendo that

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Speaker 4: builds to this lunch date. But you need to keep

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Speaker 4: in mind that these same events may not be significant

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Speaker 4: to this woman. They may just be small moments throughout

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Speaker 4: her day that perk up her work day a bit.

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Speaker 4: They may not mean nearly the same thing to her

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Speaker 4: that they mean to you. So you just really need

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Speaker 4: to keep yourself in check here that these things are

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Speaker 4: all basically things that friends or acquaintances or coworkers do

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Speaker 4: without any romantic undertones. She could just be a friendly

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Speaker 4: person that enjoys telling a joke to brighten uper work day.

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Speaker 4: You know, whereas this is the best part of your day,

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Speaker 4: it may just be another part of her day, And

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Speaker 4: there is reply here. As a woman, I learned this

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Speaker 4: the hard way. I very naively went out to lunch

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Speaker 4: with a coworker, which ended in him propositioning me a

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Speaker 4: known married woman with an affair.

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Speaker 1: Wow.

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Speaker 4: Like no, I just thought we were work friends nothing more.

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Speaker 4: After that day, I stopped being so blind. Their comment says,

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Speaker 4: she isn't being super rude. She even paid for the

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Speaker 4: meal and gave you a hug. I hope she sees

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Speaker 4: these posts and runs for the hills because you're one sensitive,

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Speaker 4: overthinking bloke. Wow, you're the major red flag here.

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Speaker 1: Well, yeah, that's the Internet, Lune. I have to make

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Speaker 1: wide sweeping you know, the claims about people's yes, hearts

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Speaker 1: and souls.

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Speaker 4: But I don't even like I can see this playing

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Speaker 4: out in my head where it's like he's kind of

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Speaker 4: infatuated with this cute girl who walks by every day

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Speaker 4: and he's got like the Excel spreadsheet, and it is

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Speaker 4: like there's just this imbalance of like what dynamic and

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Speaker 4: relationship they have is to him versus how it is

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Speaker 4: to her.

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Speaker 1: Like to her, she's like, oh, it's this guy.

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Speaker 4: Okay, I could call him to get into the building

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Speaker 4: and he's like, she called me to get into the building.

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Speaker 4: So you probably went on this lunch date and she

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Speaker 4: was like, yeah, sure, whatever, We're like, we're friends. And

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Speaker 4: she picked up on a vibe that you might kind

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Speaker 4: of be a little I mean obsessed is.

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Speaker 1: Maybe a little far, but like you're interested, infatuated.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, and you're infatuated with her and she was like, oh,

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Speaker 4: I'm not at all, So I need to extract myself

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Speaker 4: immediately for the word date.

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Speaker 3: And was like it's a date. Yeah, this is this

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Speaker 3: is my shot.

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Speaker 4: And in which you did not ask her on a date.

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Speaker 4: You said we should go get some fish, some saw fishes.

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Speaker 3: Then she did. She's the one who's like she said

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Speaker 3: the let's have some raw fish.

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Speaker 4: No no, no, no, that was that was his chip.

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Speaker 1: That was his joke. She said, Okay, listen, if I

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Speaker 1: had to guess what the situation is. I think that

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Speaker 1: she started building rapport with him, she realized I actually

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Speaker 1: would be okay hanging out with him in a one

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Speaker 1: on one setting. And then on that date, because she

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Speaker 1: saw this guy and because there's something going on in

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Speaker 1: her life that we don't know about, she realized that

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Speaker 1: she had to dip. And it was very quick and

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Speaker 1: it was very odd. That's what I would guess was

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Speaker 1: the situation. All of these things are possibilities. What we

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Speaker 1: learn in my field, I guess you could say is

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Speaker 1: that until you have the information from both perspectives, you

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Speaker 1: try not to make any assumptions. Because if I'm sitting

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Speaker 1: here psychoanalyzing this engineer like the guy who wrote the comment,

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Speaker 1: I could say, oh, yeah, he's an oversensitive, overthinking bloke

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Speaker 1: who's wasting his time. I could say he's coming across

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Speaker 1: as a creep. I could say, Oh no, this woman,

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Speaker 1: she just was having a friendly lunch and you know

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Speaker 1: she's naive and whatever. We're making all of these assumptions

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Speaker 1: without any actual information. So I think that people love

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Speaker 1: to jump in and say, oh, this is definitely what happened.

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Speaker 1: Because human beings cannot tolerate uncertainty hmm. I made a

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Speaker 1: guess of what I think the most likely scenario was.

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Speaker 1: But I think the most important thing to take away

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Speaker 1: from this whole interaction is, as I said, instead of

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Speaker 1: being a mind reader, just communicate, and before you go

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Speaker 1: out on a date with somebody, try to set yourself

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Speaker 1: up for success in sussing out whether you guys are

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Speaker 1: on the same page about what this is going to

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Speaker 1: be or not.

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Speaker 4: If you think something today, I know if I thought

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Speaker 4: something was a date, I would definitely want to make

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Speaker 4: sure the person I'm going on the date with agrees.

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Speaker 1: Exactly that vibe. And the best way to do that,

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Speaker 1: by the way, is to say, Hey, I'd love to

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Speaker 1: take you out to dinner, I'd love to take you

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Speaker 1: out for lunch. Are you up for that? Right? So

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Speaker 1: you're not being imposing or obtrusive, but you are framing

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Speaker 1: it in a way that makes the other person understand.

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Speaker 1: You know, I have women say to me all the

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Speaker 1: time this guy asked me to hang out. There's such

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Speaker 1: an ambiguity around hanging out. Does he just want to

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Speaker 1: get spicy? Is he just trying to be FWB? Does

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Speaker 1: he want this to be a date? Does he just

365
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Speaker 1: see me as a cool girl who he just wants

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Speaker 1: to have fun with and talk about surfing and Chip Chipperson,

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Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. Yeah, but depending on how

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Speaker 1: you approach the person and the way that you ask

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Speaker 1: them out, you give them the opportunity to either reciprocate

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Speaker 1: or to politely decline. But at least they know what

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Speaker 1: there were working with, right, Yeah, keeping it very clear

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Speaker 1: cut from the beginning, totally.

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Speaker 4: Well. We do have an edit here from op add

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Speaker 4: a little more context. Opie says about six hours later,

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Speaker 4: after the lunch, she stopped by my office and apologized

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Speaker 4: for leaving lunch. Oh wow, Okay, I said no worries

377
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Speaker 4: and did not quiz her about the other guy. I

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Speaker 4: still don't know exactly who he is. She said she

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Speaker 4: had a really nice time and asked if I wanted

380
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Speaker 4: to come over and watch the Anthony Bourdain shows that

381
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Speaker 4: are still on Netflix.

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Speaker 1: Okay, oh my god, we should have heard this first.

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Speaker 1: But okay, we're commenting.

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Speaker 3: Okay, this happens a lot, Kevin.

385
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Speaker 4: Wow, Yeah, just like you were saying, it's like we

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Speaker 4: didn't have all the information.

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Speaker 1: Now I feel like an idiot because I'm commenting without

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Speaker 1: the information.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, we don't totally Okay, the traffic and idiocy here, Okay,

390
00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:53,480
Speaker 4: story time, she's literally asking you to Netflix and chill.

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Speaker 1: Definitely changes things. I said I would love to.

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Speaker 4: I just spent the last three hours hanging on her capuch,

393
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Speaker 4: sitting right next to each other, talking about surfing and

394
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Speaker 4: all the exotic foods and places we want to go.

395
00:19:06,160 --> 00:19:09,399
Speaker 4: We sat very close and our legs touched, but no

396
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Speaker 4: kissing or anything. A little playful hand holding was as

397
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Speaker 4: far as it went.

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Speaker 1: You're holding hands is sweet, little guy.

399
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Speaker 4: He just doesn't know how to go about his his business.

400
00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:22,920
Speaker 1: He doesn't know how to take care of business.

401
00:19:23,359 --> 00:19:26,359
Speaker 3: He's a little rusty. Oh he's a little rusty. You've

402
00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:27,960
Speaker 3: heard him. He doesn't. He don't date much.

403
00:19:28,240 --> 00:19:31,280
Speaker 1: She just like I just wish that I could date an.

404
00:19:31,119 --> 00:19:34,880
Speaker 4: Industrial machine of some kind. He's an engineer. I don't

405
00:19:34,880 --> 00:19:37,600
Speaker 4: know enough engineering terms. I flubbed blueprint earlier.

406
00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:40,040
Speaker 3: That's okay, you flubbed Charlotte's web before too.

407
00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:43,320
Speaker 1: I did do that. Anyway, let's continue.

408
00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:46,800
Speaker 4: It was more like a nervous middle school hang than anything.

409
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Speaker 3: Sounds like it.

410
00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:50,440
Speaker 4: She hugged me goodbye again and said she would see

411
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Speaker 4: me tomorrow. It was a very nice evening with a

412
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Speaker 4: very cool person who I like a lot as a

413
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Speaker 4: new friend and hopeful for maybe some romance in the future.

414
00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:01,840
Speaker 4: But if not, I'm happy to have made a new

415
00:20:01,880 --> 00:20:03,919
Speaker 4: friend with whom I have a lot in common.

416
00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:07,919
Speaker 1: And there is another edit here. Yeah, let's let's just

417
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Speaker 1: get this.

418
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Speaker 4: I thanked her for lunch when she came into our

419
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Speaker 4: office and said next time it was on me.

420
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Speaker 1: She said, cool.

421
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Speaker 4: Not sure if that adds anything. I think we have

422
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Speaker 4: another edit here, a final edit, but before we read that,

423
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Speaker 4: clearly this is actually going better than we gave him

424
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Speaker 4: credit for the beginning. Totally, but he does have maybe

425
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Speaker 4: a little problem, you know, pulling the trigger and making

426
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Speaker 4: things clear, Like you say, like, what do you have

427
00:20:32,560 --> 00:20:35,680
Speaker 4: any advice on like someone who's like, like, I am

428
00:20:35,720 --> 00:20:39,440
Speaker 4: into someone, but like I just I don't know how

429
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Speaker 4: to go about it or tell them or initiate it.

430
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Speaker 1: Like, well, I just learned that I put my foot

431
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Speaker 1: in my mouth because I didn't have all the information.

432
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Speaker 1: There you go, So I've officially lost all credibility with

433
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Speaker 1: the audience. Oh no, no, they're very understanding, thank you.

434
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Speaker 1: So for the next story, I'm gonna wait until I

435
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Speaker 1: hear the full context before I, you know, start inserting

436
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Speaker 1: my my opinions and my views. Even though I fully

437
00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:05,800
Speaker 1: said I try not to make assumptions until I have

438
00:21:05,880 --> 00:21:06,600
Speaker 1: all the information.

439
00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:10,400
Speaker 4: We try we traffic an assumption here. It's unavoidable until

440
00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:12,600
Speaker 4: we get to the end. And even then sometimes you're like,

441
00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:15,119
Speaker 4: did this person lie to us the whole time?

442
00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:17,639
Speaker 1: But so I was wrong when I said that she'll

443
00:21:17,640 --> 00:21:20,480
Speaker 1: be so embarrassed that she'll avoid him. I actually give

444
00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:25,720
Speaker 1: her props for stopping by his office and saying, hey,

445
00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:27,640
Speaker 1: I'm sorry that I had to leave lunch. I think

446
00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:30,760
Speaker 1: that that's a big move. I still think one hundred

447
00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:34,040
Speaker 1: percent the fact that she didn't explain what happened means

448
00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:36,280
Speaker 1: that there is something going on in the background that

449
00:21:36,359 --> 00:21:38,920
Speaker 1: I do stick by. I'm also confused by the fact

450
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:40,560
Speaker 1: that even though she was in such a rush to

451
00:21:40,640 --> 00:21:44,840
Speaker 1: leave lunch, she still invited him over for Netflix and

452
00:21:45,320 --> 00:21:48,960
Speaker 1: hanging out. So my advice to this gentleman would be

453
00:21:49,560 --> 00:21:52,720
Speaker 1: most likely the best thing to do is, as I said,

454
00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:56,159
Speaker 1: to take the l and walk away. But if he

455
00:21:56,240 --> 00:21:59,280
Speaker 1: still feels like there's potential with this girl and he's

456
00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:02,360
Speaker 1: still into her, then he just has to come right

457
00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:05,120
Speaker 1: out and say like, hey, I'm just a little bit confused.

458
00:22:05,160 --> 00:22:08,000
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm getting mixed messages here. Yeah, what's

459
00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:08,399
Speaker 1: going on?

460
00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:08,960
Speaker 4: Yeah?

461
00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:09,840
Speaker 1: Yeah, I just sraight.

462
00:22:09,920 --> 00:22:13,320
Speaker 4: I have got engineering brain. It runs on Excel spreadsheets.

463
00:22:13,359 --> 00:22:16,840
Speaker 4: I need to know what to put in the column

464
00:22:16,880 --> 00:22:18,920
Speaker 4: for do you like me exactly?

465
00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:22,320
Speaker 1: Is it a green box or a red box? And

466
00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:24,199
Speaker 1: do you want to go on dates? Do you just

467
00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:26,320
Speaker 1: want to hang out in the casual setting? Are we

468
00:22:26,480 --> 00:22:27,040
Speaker 1: just friends?

469
00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:30,600
Speaker 4: We did it, we did touch legs and pull in playfully,

470
00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:34,600
Speaker 4: hold hands exactly at your place while watching Anthony Burdain exactly.

471
00:22:34,640 --> 00:22:39,680
Speaker 1: And you know, I think that depending on how you

472
00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:44,000
Speaker 1: go about that conversation, it can either come across as

473
00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:46,560
Speaker 1: very weird and awkward, or it can be very cute

474
00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:50,080
Speaker 1: and very endearing. You know. Yeah, if you're like listen,

475
00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:53,080
Speaker 1: I like you. I like hanging out with you. We

476
00:22:53,119 --> 00:22:55,679
Speaker 1: went on this date, you had to ditch me, but

477
00:22:55,720 --> 00:22:58,400
Speaker 1: then you invited me over, but then not much happened.

478
00:22:58,680 --> 00:23:01,479
Speaker 1: I'm sure some of that is my fault, but I

479
00:23:01,520 --> 00:23:03,520
Speaker 1: just want to get a sense of what's going on

480
00:23:03,560 --> 00:23:06,160
Speaker 1: from your perspective. Yeah, are we friends? Do you want

481
00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:07,200
Speaker 1: this to be more than friends?

482
00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:07,520
Speaker 3: Yeah?

483
00:23:07,560 --> 00:23:10,880
Speaker 4: Are we dabbling in maybe more than friends, or are

484
00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:11,400
Speaker 4: we just.

485
00:23:11,480 --> 00:23:14,199
Speaker 1: Well like yeah, exactly clear, get the what are we?

486
00:23:14,520 --> 00:23:15,560
Speaker 1: Because maybe they're both.

487
00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:18,879
Speaker 4: I mean if she just like left that lunch in

488
00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:20,800
Speaker 4: the middle, that's kind of awkward thing to do.

489
00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:22,280
Speaker 1: So doesn't know what she's doing.

490
00:23:22,320 --> 00:23:24,439
Speaker 4: You know, know, you guys could be exactly on the

491
00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:26,040
Speaker 4: same page by each other.

492
00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:29,120
Speaker 1: That'd be so cute. I come back to, any answer

493
00:23:29,160 --> 00:23:30,959
Speaker 1: is better than than no answer?

494
00:23:31,200 --> 00:23:34,359
Speaker 3: Yeah, or yeah, any like assuming or like trying to

495
00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:35,640
Speaker 3: mind read, Yeah.

496
00:23:35,680 --> 00:23:39,080
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah. I had a client who I was talking

497
00:23:39,119 --> 00:23:42,440
Speaker 1: to a session with my with my client the other day,

498
00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:46,440
Speaker 1: and she's dating a guy and she wants more communication

499
00:23:46,600 --> 00:23:49,560
Speaker 1: from him, and she wants to get closer with him,

500
00:23:50,040 --> 00:23:52,359
Speaker 1: and you know, she she has this thing where she's

501
00:23:52,359 --> 00:23:54,720
Speaker 1: been hurt and she's been cheated on, and she feels

502
00:23:54,760 --> 00:23:57,719
Speaker 1: guarded and it's very hard for her to make herself

503
00:23:57,800 --> 00:24:01,040
Speaker 1: vulnerable and have these types of conversation where she says,

504
00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:03,040
Speaker 1: you know, this is something that I need, this is

505
00:24:03,040 --> 00:24:06,320
Speaker 1: something that I'm craving. And I told her, Okay, your

506
00:24:06,359 --> 00:24:10,040
Speaker 1: default is to be guarded and not to open yourself

507
00:24:10,119 --> 00:24:13,000
Speaker 1: up and not to have these types of conversations because

508
00:24:13,040 --> 00:24:15,560
Speaker 1: you think you're needy. By the way, You're not needy.

509
00:24:15,760 --> 00:24:18,639
Speaker 1: You just have needs. Yeah, it's very very important to

510
00:24:18,640 --> 00:24:21,159
Speaker 1: emphasize that what I said to her was do me

511
00:24:21,200 --> 00:24:24,280
Speaker 1: a favor. Have a conversation with him, tell him what

512
00:24:24,320 --> 00:24:26,879
Speaker 1: it is that you need, tell him that you'd like

513
00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:29,160
Speaker 1: to see more of X, Y, and Z. And if

514
00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:31,800
Speaker 1: he spits back in your face or he shuts you down,

515
00:24:32,280 --> 00:24:35,240
Speaker 1: which I knew he wasn't going to do because I

516
00:24:35,320 --> 00:24:38,400
Speaker 1: knew enough about him from what she's told me. If

517
00:24:38,440 --> 00:24:40,439
Speaker 1: that's the case, if it goes horribly wrong, then you

518
00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:43,400
Speaker 1: can go right back to your self protective mechanism where

519
00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:46,159
Speaker 1: you don't do this anymore. Right, you already have this

520
00:24:46,280 --> 00:24:49,080
Speaker 1: default setting of I don't open up, and I don't

521
00:24:49,080 --> 00:24:50,680
Speaker 1: ask for things that I need, and I don't get

522
00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:54,840
Speaker 1: clarification because I don't want to seem insert adjective. I

523
00:24:54,840 --> 00:24:57,240
Speaker 1: don't want to seem overbearing, I don't want to see needy,

524
00:24:57,240 --> 00:25:00,600
Speaker 1: I don't want to seem creepy. Whatever. Right, So as

525
00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:03,359
Speaker 1: long as you deliver it in the right way, open

526
00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:05,920
Speaker 1: up to the other person, try to get some clarity,

527
00:25:06,359 --> 00:25:08,120
Speaker 1: and if they shut you down or they think you're

528
00:25:08,119 --> 00:25:10,160
Speaker 1: weird or whatever, then you can go back to being

529
00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:11,879
Speaker 1: exactly the way that you were before.

530
00:25:12,280 --> 00:25:14,320
Speaker 4: Yeah, you're not going to lose anyth Yeah, not really

531
00:25:14,359 --> 00:25:17,040
Speaker 4: much to lose you exactly, because you can just go.

532
00:25:17,440 --> 00:25:20,920
Speaker 1: Right back to that default setting. But most of the time,

533
00:25:20,920 --> 00:25:24,359
Speaker 1: what's going to happen is if you're honest and forthright

534
00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:26,560
Speaker 1: with someone. And I really try to teach this to

535
00:25:26,640 --> 00:25:30,480
Speaker 1: gen Z people because I have a lot of clients

536
00:25:30,520 --> 00:25:34,360
Speaker 1: in their late teens, early twenties, mid twenties, and they're

537
00:25:34,640 --> 00:25:41,160
Speaker 1: terrified of coming across as creepy, coming across as needy,

538
00:25:41,359 --> 00:25:44,080
Speaker 1: coming across, as overbearing, as controlling.

539
00:25:44,920 --> 00:25:50,679
Speaker 4: Everyone wants to be chalant exactly as chalant is possible, nonchalant.

540
00:25:51,520 --> 00:25:54,119
Speaker 4: That's why, See, I'm not gen Z. That's why I'm

541
00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:55,760
Speaker 4: just I'm just a millennial. I don't know how to

542
00:25:55,760 --> 00:25:56,520
Speaker 4: be nonchalant.

543
00:25:56,600 --> 00:26:00,840
Speaker 1: Everything in gen Z, I mean in millennials too. It's

544
00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:04,080
Speaker 1: not only a gen Z thing, but you know, in

545
00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:09,000
Speaker 1: the modern dating culture, it's all about inference, it's all

546
00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:13,199
Speaker 1: about dropping hints, it's all about seeming nonchalant, it's all

547
00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:18,600
Speaker 1: about being indifferent, right, and all you get is going

548
00:26:18,760 --> 00:26:22,720
Speaker 1: around and around and around in circles rather than trying

549
00:26:22,800 --> 00:26:27,479
Speaker 1: to get information, collect data, get clarification. That's how you

550
00:26:27,520 --> 00:26:31,560
Speaker 1: build the foundation of anything. I'm not even talking about

551
00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:33,800
Speaker 1: building a relationship. If you just want to build a

552
00:26:33,880 --> 00:26:37,399
Speaker 1: friends with benefits with somebody, it should be spoken, it

553
00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:41,800
Speaker 1: should be the parameters of that should be set. From there,

554
00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:48,159
Speaker 1: you're free. So there's five minutes of awkward conversation where

555
00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:50,560
Speaker 1: you tell the person what you need or what you're

556
00:26:50,600 --> 00:26:54,400
Speaker 1: looking for or whatever, and then you're free. You're both

557
00:26:54,440 --> 00:26:57,000
Speaker 1: on the same page. Either it goes the way that

558
00:26:57,040 --> 00:26:59,720
Speaker 1: you wanted it to or you didn't, but you're no

559
00:26:59,760 --> 00:27:04,359
Speaker 1: longer shackled by this uncertainty and by this constant dance

560
00:27:04,440 --> 00:27:08,040
Speaker 1: of trying to infer and trying to drop hints, which

561
00:27:08,080 --> 00:27:09,119
Speaker 1: really gets you nowhere.

562
00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:13,640
Speaker 4: Yeah. Yeah, communication versus mind reading totally. Communication is always

563
00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:16,040
Speaker 4: going to be a way to go, even if it's scary.

564
00:27:16,080 --> 00:27:17,960
Speaker 4: It might suck for five minutes.

565
00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:20,399
Speaker 1: Yes, but you will make it through that five minutes. Yeah,

566
00:27:20,440 --> 00:27:22,800
Speaker 1: and the other person will be very appreciative. The other

567
00:27:22,840 --> 00:27:26,680
Speaker 1: person will you know, most often they'll be like, Okay, wow,

568
00:27:26,840 --> 00:27:29,720
Speaker 1: like I'm really glad that, like we had this talk.

569
00:27:29,760 --> 00:27:31,560
Speaker 1: I was thinking some of the same things. Thank you

570
00:27:31,600 --> 00:27:34,840
Speaker 1: for bringing it up. Thank you for telling me. Yeah. Perfect. Well,

571
00:27:35,080 --> 00:27:37,919
Speaker 1: let's get into this final edit here, Op continues.

572
00:27:38,119 --> 00:27:41,480
Speaker 4: I get it, guys, yesterday at lunch was not a date.

573
00:27:42,400 --> 00:27:45,359
Speaker 4: You can seriously stop posting that and dming me that

574
00:27:45,560 --> 00:27:49,360
Speaker 4: I'm a nice guy neckbeard knife unaliver.

575
00:27:49,840 --> 00:27:50,480
Speaker 1: Oh my god.

576
00:27:50,800 --> 00:27:53,760
Speaker 4: Last night was more date like, and I had to

577
00:27:53,800 --> 00:27:56,200
Speaker 4: spend the morning at our main facility. But as soon

578
00:27:56,240 --> 00:27:59,159
Speaker 4: as I got to my normal office, she stopped in

579
00:27:59,520 --> 00:28:01,720
Speaker 4: and said she had a great time last night and

580
00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:04,000
Speaker 4: wanted to know if I would come over tonight so

581
00:28:04,040 --> 00:28:07,000
Speaker 4: she could make her paleo tom Kas soup. The hell

582
00:28:07,119 --> 00:28:11,720
Speaker 4: is that she's making you paleo tie food. You're in

583
00:28:12,240 --> 00:28:15,080
Speaker 4: It's done. You've somehow endeared yourself.

584
00:28:15,160 --> 00:28:16,399
Speaker 3: She like likes you, dude.

585
00:28:16,520 --> 00:28:19,960
Speaker 4: Yeah, she is about your engineering spreadsheet brain.

586
00:28:20,320 --> 00:28:22,840
Speaker 3: Night went so well or the first day went so

587
00:28:22,960 --> 00:28:25,320
Speaker 3: well that she wants to give you her like go

588
00:28:25,359 --> 00:28:26,879
Speaker 3: to dish Exactly.

589
00:28:27,200 --> 00:28:29,560
Speaker 1: I'm engaged and I live with my fiance and she's

590
00:28:29,600 --> 00:28:32,880
Speaker 1: never even made me paleo tom Tomkas soup. I didn't

591
00:28:32,880 --> 00:28:33,600
Speaker 1: even know what that was.

592
00:28:33,680 --> 00:28:33,840
Speaker 2: There.

593
00:28:33,880 --> 00:28:39,040
Speaker 1: You go. So you're you're an upper echelon of winning. Yeah,

594
00:28:39,120 --> 00:28:39,440
Speaker 1: you are.

595
00:28:39,560 --> 00:28:44,360
Speaker 4: You're succeeding things as friends are proceeding very nicely, and

596
00:28:44,440 --> 00:28:46,760
Speaker 4: I can assure you I am not crazy and she

597
00:28:46,960 --> 00:28:49,840
Speaker 4: is safe. She has been helping an older lady walk

598
00:28:49,960 --> 00:28:52,000
Speaker 4: up and down the hall for the last thirty or

599
00:28:52,040 --> 00:28:54,920
Speaker 4: forty five minutes, and every time she passes my door,

600
00:28:55,000 --> 00:28:58,880
Speaker 4: they gave me a huge thumbs up. Despite all the naysayers,

601
00:28:58,960 --> 00:29:03,040
Speaker 4: I'm going to enjoy the progression wherever it goes, Good

602
00:29:03,040 --> 00:29:05,480
Speaker 4: for him, And that's the end that story. Yeah, good

603
00:29:05,480 --> 00:29:08,440
Speaker 4: for you. Oh man, I feel normally. I don't feel

604
00:29:08,680 --> 00:29:10,160
Speaker 4: that bad making assumptions.

605
00:29:10,400 --> 00:29:12,680
Speaker 1: I feel terrible. We were way off and that's a

606
00:29:12,840 --> 00:29:16,120
Speaker 1: lesson in and of itself, right there. See, that's that's

607
00:29:16,120 --> 00:29:20,200
Speaker 1: why I said in my profession, we don't draw conclusions

608
00:29:20,240 --> 00:29:22,840
Speaker 1: until we have the information. And even I did it myself,

609
00:29:22,880 --> 00:29:24,120
Speaker 1: so I have.

610
00:29:24,120 --> 00:29:25,920
Speaker 4: Well, we're kind of putting, we're putting, kind of putting

611
00:29:25,920 --> 00:29:27,360
Speaker 4: you in a rough spot for that, you know, we

612
00:29:27,480 --> 00:29:30,160
Speaker 4: kind of kind of put you right in the let's

613
00:29:30,160 --> 00:29:32,080
Speaker 4: make assumptions fish bowl.

614
00:29:32,840 --> 00:29:35,120
Speaker 1: Of the show. How boring would it be if I said,

615
00:29:35,560 --> 00:29:37,880
Speaker 1: you know, Dakota, I would prefer not to comment until

616
00:29:37,920 --> 00:29:40,080
Speaker 1: I have all the information. Yeah, that'd be crazy. You

617
00:29:40,080 --> 00:29:42,120
Speaker 1: guys would be like, we're never having this guest on again.

618
00:29:42,400 --> 00:29:45,880
Speaker 3: Oh no, we do this all the time. It's a

619
00:29:45,920 --> 00:29:48,680
Speaker 3: funny thing is We'll do it and then literally the

620
00:29:48,720 --> 00:29:52,360
Speaker 3: next line we get so much clarity and the answer yeah,

621
00:29:52,400 --> 00:29:54,720
Speaker 3: we go oh uah, we could.

622
00:29:54,480 --> 00:29:57,200
Speaker 4: Have just read for another tone ten seconds. We've got

623
00:29:57,280 --> 00:29:59,800
Speaker 4: some question g owns. Oh well, Keon will explain with

624
00:29:59,840 --> 00:30:00,720
Speaker 4: his beautiful voice.

625
00:30:01,080 --> 00:30:05,200
Speaker 3: Stop. So Kevin, go ahead, and since we're starting up

626
00:30:05,200 --> 00:30:08,760
Speaker 3: a new segment here with fan questions, we'll go ahead

627
00:30:08,760 --> 00:30:10,920
Speaker 3: and say, let you introduce yourself of who you are,

628
00:30:11,000 --> 00:30:13,200
Speaker 3: what you do, just a little snippet, and we'll go

629
00:30:13,240 --> 00:30:14,200
Speaker 3: from the questions from there.

630
00:30:14,400 --> 00:30:16,720
Speaker 1: Sure, thank you so much for having me. My name

631
00:30:16,760 --> 00:30:20,280
Speaker 1: is Kevin the High. I am a life and relationship coach,

632
00:30:20,520 --> 00:30:23,640
Speaker 1: therapist and couples counselor. I do a lot of speaking,

633
00:30:23,680 --> 00:30:25,479
Speaker 1: I do a lot of writing. I have a private

634
00:30:25,480 --> 00:30:28,920
Speaker 1: practice my offices in Beverly Hills, and I see people

635
00:30:28,960 --> 00:30:32,760
Speaker 1: in person and virtually I work with individuals and couples.

636
00:30:33,280 --> 00:30:35,959
Speaker 1: I'm thirty three and I was born and raised in

637
00:30:36,080 --> 00:30:39,000
Speaker 1: la and I try to take a bit of an

638
00:30:39,120 --> 00:30:43,640
Speaker 1: unconventional approach in my therapy. I try to be very

639
00:30:43,680 --> 00:30:47,680
Speaker 1: personable and really get to know my clients and goof

640
00:30:47,720 --> 00:30:50,400
Speaker 1: off a little bit with them and not have such

641
00:30:50,440 --> 00:30:57,440
Speaker 1: an impersonal formal wall. So I'm definitely direct and hands

642
00:30:57,440 --> 00:31:00,560
Speaker 1: on with my clients. But you know, my goal is

643
00:31:00,960 --> 00:31:05,400
Speaker 1: to lift some of the heaviness of therapy and coaching

644
00:31:05,480 --> 00:31:08,080
Speaker 1: and have them walking out of my office always feeling

645
00:31:08,120 --> 00:31:11,040
Speaker 1: better than when they walked in. Yeah, that's really nice.

646
00:31:11,360 --> 00:31:13,680
Speaker 3: Thank you so much. We appreciate you being here, Kevin.

647
00:31:14,000 --> 00:31:17,360
Speaker 3: And today we have some questions for you from some

648
00:31:17,400 --> 00:31:20,720
Speaker 3: of our audience, actually from our community. So I think

649
00:31:20,800 --> 00:31:22,840
Speaker 3: Da Coode has the questions and we'll go uh with

650
00:31:23,320 --> 00:31:23,960
Speaker 3: those questions.

651
00:31:24,080 --> 00:31:27,280
Speaker 1: Let's do it. Before we do that, though, I actually.

652
00:31:26,880 --> 00:31:29,800
Speaker 4: Have one question fantasta just popped into my head. Do

653
00:31:29,840 --> 00:31:32,760
Speaker 4: you have any clients who are like a lot older

654
00:31:32,840 --> 00:31:35,200
Speaker 4: or like like like couples, and then if you, like,

655
00:31:35,240 --> 00:31:35,520
Speaker 4: you know.

656
00:31:35,480 --> 00:31:37,600
Speaker 1: Give them advice, do they give you like the well,

657
00:31:37,640 --> 00:31:40,760
Speaker 1: what do you know about that? Like one hundred percent,

658
00:31:41,160 --> 00:31:47,719
Speaker 1: particularly on consultations. So my youngest client at the moment

659
00:31:48,080 --> 00:31:50,720
Speaker 1: is fourteen or fifteen. My oldest client at the moment

660
00:31:50,760 --> 00:31:54,920
Speaker 1: is seventy three. Wow, oh they see, hey, never too old.

661
00:31:54,920 --> 00:31:57,200
Speaker 3: To grow and never too young to start.

662
00:31:57,360 --> 00:32:00,480
Speaker 1: Yes, exactly. Thank you guys for doing the shame plug.

663
00:32:01,880 --> 00:32:04,680
Speaker 1: So the vast majority of my clients, I would say,

664
00:32:04,720 --> 00:32:09,400
Speaker 1: are between twenty and forty. I'm thirty three. Whenever I

665
00:32:09,440 --> 00:32:12,640
Speaker 1: have clients who are older than me, particularly if they're married,

666
00:32:13,240 --> 00:32:15,640
Speaker 1: they will always say to me, are you married? No,

667
00:32:15,720 --> 00:32:19,280
Speaker 1: I'm not married. I'm engaged. I'll be married in June. Congratulations,

668
00:32:19,280 --> 00:32:22,000
Speaker 1: by the way, thank you so much. Yeah, congratulations, appreciate

669
00:32:22,000 --> 00:32:24,479
Speaker 1: you man, Thank you. But no, I do not have

670
00:32:24,560 --> 00:32:28,280
Speaker 1: twenty years of marriage under my belt. And when I

671
00:32:28,320 --> 00:32:31,520
Speaker 1: have individuals like my client who's seventy three, who I

672
00:32:31,560 --> 00:32:35,840
Speaker 1: met with yesterday, actually they're always very wary. And what

673
00:32:35,880 --> 00:32:39,000
Speaker 1: I tell them is, you do have more life experience

674
00:32:39,040 --> 00:32:41,600
Speaker 1: than I do. You have been married and I haven't.

675
00:32:41,640 --> 00:32:45,120
Speaker 1: You do have children and I haven't. Right, But what

676
00:32:45,280 --> 00:32:52,560
Speaker 1: I have is a particular specialty, which is interpersonal communication

677
00:32:53,080 --> 00:32:58,840
Speaker 1: and understanding the psychology of how human beings work, how

678
00:32:58,880 --> 00:33:02,200
Speaker 1: to communicate with them in order to create a better result,

679
00:33:02,480 --> 00:33:05,920
Speaker 1: in order to work through conflict, how anxiety functions, how

680
00:33:05,960 --> 00:33:11,600
Speaker 1: depression functions, how addiction functions, and all of this wisdom

681
00:33:11,800 --> 00:33:15,640
Speaker 1: is timeless. It's also not my wisdom, right, I have

682
00:33:15,760 --> 00:33:19,360
Speaker 1: my own perspective and I certainly have my own opinions

683
00:33:20,000 --> 00:33:24,480
Speaker 1: and I'm not afraid to give advice or give my perspective.

684
00:33:25,040 --> 00:33:30,080
Speaker 1: But you could be getting information from me, or you

685
00:33:30,120 --> 00:33:33,360
Speaker 1: could be getting information from somebody who's fifty seven and

686
00:33:33,440 --> 00:33:37,480
Speaker 1: has already been married for twenty five years. The information

687
00:33:37,840 --> 00:33:40,800
Speaker 1: is the information. It's going to be delivered slightly differently

688
00:33:40,840 --> 00:33:44,840
Speaker 1: based on my perspective, my life experience, stuff like that.

689
00:33:45,320 --> 00:33:48,280
Speaker 1: So maybe to that extent, seeing an older therapist is

690
00:33:48,280 --> 00:33:50,360
Speaker 1: a better fit for you if you feel more comfortable.

691
00:33:50,680 --> 00:33:56,080
Speaker 1: But I've never had a situation where a client takes

692
00:33:56,120 --> 00:33:59,840
Speaker 1: the risk quote unquote of coming to see somebody who's

693
00:33:59,840 --> 00:34:03,120
Speaker 1: younger than they are, and after the first session they say,

694
00:34:03,440 --> 00:34:05,360
Speaker 1: I just can't work with you because I feel like

695
00:34:05,400 --> 00:34:09,279
Speaker 1: you're too young. As soon as we get past that

696
00:34:09,760 --> 00:34:11,160
Speaker 1: initial barrier.

697
00:34:11,120 --> 00:34:15,640
Speaker 4: Yeah, just their perspective, the perception of like, oh, but

698
00:34:15,719 --> 00:34:17,440
Speaker 4: this person's so much younger than me, what do they know?

699
00:34:17,719 --> 00:34:18,120
Speaker 1: Exactly?

700
00:34:18,160 --> 00:34:21,840
Speaker 4: Because the wisdom is, the wisdom is timeless, exactly, the

701
00:34:21,880 --> 00:34:25,400
Speaker 4: wisdom it didn't come. You didn't just like wake up

702
00:34:25,440 --> 00:34:26,960
Speaker 4: and you're like, oh my god, I had all these ideas,

703
00:34:27,320 --> 00:34:28,279
Speaker 4: Like you learned all that.

704
00:34:28,520 --> 00:34:30,319
Speaker 1: I wish I could take credit, you know, and say

705
00:34:30,360 --> 00:34:33,120
Speaker 1: that that all of it is my wisdom, right, But

706
00:34:33,120 --> 00:34:35,000
Speaker 1: but yeah, that's that's a great question, and it all

707
00:34:35,040 --> 00:34:37,879
Speaker 1: came from the Book of Kevin. Some of it comes

708
00:34:37,880 --> 00:34:40,760
Speaker 1: from the Book of Kevin. I'm pretty, like I said earlier,

709
00:34:40,840 --> 00:34:43,239
Speaker 1: I'm pretty you know, straightforward. I'm not the guy who's

710
00:34:43,280 --> 00:34:45,160
Speaker 1: going to sit there and just say, well, you know.

711
00:34:45,200 --> 00:34:47,040
Speaker 1: It's like clients will ask me all the time, what

712
00:34:47,080 --> 00:34:48,880
Speaker 1: do you think I should do? And I think the

713
00:34:48,880 --> 00:34:51,520
Speaker 1: biggest disservice that I can do to them is say, well,

714
00:34:51,560 --> 00:34:53,759
Speaker 1: what do you think you should do? You know, like,

715
00:34:54,080 --> 00:34:57,720
Speaker 1: that's not what you're paying me. Getting very philosophical bearer, Yeah, exactly,

716
00:34:58,280 --> 00:35:00,680
Speaker 1: And that's that's a big complaint that I that I

717
00:35:00,719 --> 00:35:03,320
Speaker 1: hear from people is like, yeah, my last therapist that

718
00:35:03,360 --> 00:35:05,160
Speaker 1: I was with for ten years would never tell me

719
00:35:05,320 --> 00:35:08,080
Speaker 1: what to do. I'm not going to jam something down

720
00:35:08,120 --> 00:35:11,040
Speaker 1: someone's throat, but if they ask me what I think

721
00:35:11,080 --> 00:35:13,040
Speaker 1: they should do, I'm going to tell them these are

722
00:35:13,040 --> 00:35:15,040
Speaker 1: the options, and these are the pros and cons of

723
00:35:15,040 --> 00:35:19,440
Speaker 1: each And knowing what I know about you, having developed

724
00:35:19,440 --> 00:35:22,560
Speaker 1: a relationship with you, this is what I think is

725
00:35:22,600 --> 00:35:26,399
Speaker 1: probably going to work best in your favor. And that's

726
00:35:26,400 --> 00:35:30,680
Speaker 1: why it's so important to really develop that individualized relationship because,

727
00:35:30,760 --> 00:35:35,440
Speaker 1: like I could give relationship advice on this podcast or

728
00:35:35,440 --> 00:35:40,000
Speaker 1: on this live somebody who has anxious attachment, what I'm

729
00:35:40,040 --> 00:35:41,839
Speaker 1: saying is not going to land with them at all.

730
00:35:42,719 --> 00:35:46,239
Speaker 1: Somebody who has avoidant attachment what I'm saying, they might

731
00:35:46,560 --> 00:35:49,480
Speaker 1: think that it's gold. Right, But if I'm working with

732
00:35:49,560 --> 00:35:53,400
Speaker 1: somebody who's anxious in their dating life versus somebody who's

733
00:35:53,560 --> 00:35:56,479
Speaker 1: avoidant in their dating life, they might take the same

734
00:35:56,480 --> 00:36:01,359
Speaker 1: piece of information and do too complempletely different things with it.

735
00:36:01,600 --> 00:36:06,960
Speaker 1: Because we see information and people not as they are.

736
00:36:07,360 --> 00:36:09,480
Speaker 1: We see information and people as we are.

737
00:36:10,360 --> 00:36:15,080
Speaker 4: Ah, oh so it's my Yeah, yeah, everything gets filtered

738
00:36:15,080 --> 00:36:16,479
Speaker 4: through like the like.

739
00:36:16,480 --> 00:36:21,320
Speaker 1: Your own the lens of your experience, Yeah, the lens

740
00:36:21,320 --> 00:36:23,880
Speaker 1: of what's in your subconscious, the lens of what you

741
00:36:24,040 --> 00:36:27,680
Speaker 1: have been through, the lens of what your parents told you,

742
00:36:27,800 --> 00:36:31,640
Speaker 1: the lens of what you're rebelling against or reacting against

743
00:36:31,719 --> 00:36:34,520
Speaker 1: that your parents told you. Right. So, if you're my client,

744
00:36:35,080 --> 00:36:36,960
Speaker 1: I can't just give you. This is why I say

745
00:36:36,960 --> 00:36:38,920
Speaker 1: that it's it's important, I believe for me to have

746
00:36:38,960 --> 00:36:43,520
Speaker 1: a perspective, and this is a total aside. But more

747
00:36:43,560 --> 00:36:45,759
Speaker 1: and more clients are telling me that they're using chat

748
00:36:45,800 --> 00:36:51,400
Speaker 1: GPT for therapy. I'm not an anti chat GPT person,

749
00:36:51,920 --> 00:36:54,799
Speaker 1: and I think that it has a lot of benefits

750
00:36:54,880 --> 00:36:59,560
Speaker 1: to supplement traditional coaching or therapy or whatever. The one

751
00:36:59,560 --> 00:37:03,719
Speaker 1: thing that GPT lacks is a perspective, right, Yeah, So

752
00:37:03,960 --> 00:37:09,200
Speaker 1: it's my job to develop a relationship with you, understand

753
00:37:09,320 --> 00:37:13,800
Speaker 1: your lens, understand your worldview, and then taylor the program

754
00:37:13,840 --> 00:37:15,719
Speaker 1: that we work on, or taylor the advice that I

755
00:37:15,760 --> 00:37:18,759
Speaker 1: give you or the emotional regulation that I work on

756
00:37:18,800 --> 00:37:22,560
Speaker 1: with you through your lens so that it lands with you.

757
00:37:23,800 --> 00:37:27,600
Speaker 1: And in that sense, I can't always be neutral. And

758
00:37:27,680 --> 00:37:30,200
Speaker 1: in that sense, chat GPT is also not always the

759
00:37:30,200 --> 00:37:33,440
Speaker 1: best resource because it has information, but it doesn't have

760
00:37:33,520 --> 00:37:35,960
Speaker 1: that human touch of knowing the perspective.

761
00:37:36,000 --> 00:37:39,319
Speaker 4: It can't It can't possibly nuance anything based on like

762
00:37:39,760 --> 00:37:42,120
Speaker 4: what it knows about you, because it really does know

763
00:37:42,719 --> 00:37:46,280
Speaker 4: anything about you, knows everything about everyone and what everyone

764
00:37:46,320 --> 00:37:47,080
Speaker 4: would want to hear.

765
00:37:47,280 --> 00:37:49,680
Speaker 1: Correct, And then it gives you that, and it speaks

766
00:37:49,719 --> 00:37:51,960
Speaker 1: to you in a very supportive way. It speaks to

767
00:37:51,960 --> 00:37:55,960
Speaker 1: you in exactly the way that you want to be heard.

768
00:37:56,560 --> 00:37:56,759
Speaker 2: Right.

769
00:37:57,040 --> 00:38:01,440
Speaker 1: It gives you this this very supportive understanding. It's kind

770
00:38:01,440 --> 00:38:03,319
Speaker 1: of like a butler, or or like.

771
00:38:03,280 --> 00:38:06,560
Speaker 4: A servant that is butler, I feel like, is yeah

772
00:38:06,640 --> 00:38:09,600
Speaker 4: the best vibe for that, Just a little butler in

773
00:38:09,640 --> 00:38:11,200
Speaker 4: your computer correct.

774
00:38:10,920 --> 00:38:13,160
Speaker 1: Trying to give you exactly what you want, whatever it is.

775
00:38:13,360 --> 00:38:16,360
Speaker 1: But I'll tell my clients listen, if I'm really helping you,

776
00:38:16,400 --> 00:38:18,160
Speaker 1: sometimes my job is to tell you what you need

777
00:38:18,200 --> 00:38:20,080
Speaker 1: to hear, not what you want to hear. Yeah, that

778
00:38:20,239 --> 00:38:22,879
Speaker 1: is true, so very much believe that. Anyway, I think

779
00:38:22,880 --> 00:38:23,840
Speaker 1: we have a story to get to.

780
00:38:23,960 --> 00:38:26,000
Speaker 4: Let's yeah, let's let's hop into some of these the

781
00:38:26,000 --> 00:38:28,160
Speaker 4: fan questions. But that was great, No, that was I'm

782
00:38:28,160 --> 00:38:29,680
Speaker 4: sure we're eating it.

783
00:38:29,680 --> 00:38:33,080
Speaker 1: Up here, Kevin. Okay, come and be honest. Fan question

784
00:38:33,200 --> 00:38:36,600
Speaker 1: number one from an anonymous sender. They ask, do you

785
00:38:36,719 --> 00:38:40,320
Speaker 1: think those who stay single not by choice but because

786
00:38:40,360 --> 00:38:44,200
Speaker 1: they are waiting for the one are tactful or do

787
00:38:44,280 --> 00:38:47,239
Speaker 1: they just have impossible standards to meet? Do you think

788
00:38:47,239 --> 00:38:50,120
Speaker 1: it's smart to only date to find a life partner

789
00:38:50,160 --> 00:38:52,799
Speaker 1: instead of looking around and dating for fun?

790
00:38:53,280 --> 00:38:56,080
Speaker 4: And at what point, if any, do you believe dating

791
00:38:56,160 --> 00:39:00,000
Speaker 4: for fun is counterproductive to one's life or love life.

792
00:39:00,360 --> 00:39:03,239
Speaker 1: Amazing question. Yeah, well, it was kind of it was

793
00:39:03,360 --> 00:39:04,160
Speaker 1: like three questions.

794
00:39:04,280 --> 00:39:06,640
Speaker 4: Yeah, kind of snuck three questions and or layered the

795
00:39:06,719 --> 00:39:10,480
Speaker 4: questions like a little question lasagna. But uh, I mean

796
00:39:11,800 --> 00:39:15,160
Speaker 4: I personally think waiting for the one, it's like it's

797
00:39:15,280 --> 00:39:18,960
Speaker 4: just like what is it like an antiquated notion or

798
00:39:18,960 --> 00:39:21,640
Speaker 4: like a pop culture notion that it's like, there's just

799
00:39:21,760 --> 00:39:23,440
Speaker 4: this one perfect match.

800
00:39:23,239 --> 00:39:25,040
Speaker 1: For you, but there's like billions of people.

801
00:39:25,440 --> 00:39:29,000
Speaker 4: So it's like, I mean, statistically speaking, like the perfect

802
00:39:29,040 --> 00:39:31,880
Speaker 4: one for you is in either like China or India. Yeah, exactly,

803
00:39:32,000 --> 00:39:34,200
Speaker 4: that's probably where they are statistically speaking.

804
00:39:34,200 --> 00:39:36,880
Speaker 1: By the numbers game. Yeah, we're playing numbers so well.

805
00:39:37,080 --> 00:39:38,759
Speaker 1: But that's just when I think, how long have you

806
00:39:38,760 --> 00:39:42,839
Speaker 1: been with your girlfriend? Five months as of yesterday? Oh wow, congratulations? Yeah,

807
00:39:43,080 --> 00:39:45,120
Speaker 1: putting a quota on the spot now, hey, look at

808
00:39:45,120 --> 00:39:49,719
Speaker 1: that smile. So I think this is an amazing set

809
00:39:49,760 --> 00:39:52,759
Speaker 1: of questions and it's right up my alley. I when

810
00:39:52,760 --> 00:39:55,160
Speaker 1: I heard that question, I was like, throw me in, coach.

811
00:39:55,280 --> 00:39:59,160
Speaker 1: So I'll share some insights. So, first of all, the

812
00:39:59,200 --> 00:40:05,920
Speaker 1: phrase waiting for the one is very problematic in two senses.

813
00:40:06,440 --> 00:40:10,520
Speaker 1: One is the word waiting. You don't wait for a relationship,

814
00:40:10,840 --> 00:40:15,920
Speaker 1: you also don't pursue a relationship. You create the version

815
00:40:16,000 --> 00:40:20,160
Speaker 1: of yourself that you think the one would want to

816
00:40:20,200 --> 00:40:20,520
Speaker 1: be with.

817
00:40:20,920 --> 00:40:25,160
Speaker 4: Oh, I have not ever thought about it like that.

818
00:40:25,560 --> 00:40:28,000
Speaker 1: So in that sense you could say that you're indirectly

819
00:40:28,080 --> 00:40:31,759
Speaker 1: pursuing a relationship. But a relationship is like happiness. You

820
00:40:31,800 --> 00:40:35,560
Speaker 1: don't pursue happiness. You don't say I want to be happy.

821
00:40:35,600 --> 00:40:38,560
Speaker 1: People say that all the time, but it's it's a misnomer.

822
00:40:39,040 --> 00:40:44,560
Speaker 1: You do productive things such as exercising, going to your church,

823
00:40:45,120 --> 00:40:50,280
Speaker 1: giving back to people, meditating, whatever. You do productive things,

824
00:40:50,320 --> 00:40:56,359
Speaker 1: the byproduct of which is that you feel a happy emotion, right,

825
00:40:56,760 --> 00:40:59,440
Speaker 1: But you can't directly pursue happiness. It's the same thing

826
00:40:59,480 --> 00:41:03,839
Speaker 1: with a relationationship. You can't directly pursue a relationship where

827
00:41:03,880 --> 00:41:07,279
Speaker 1: you set your sight on this one person and you

828
00:41:07,360 --> 00:41:10,200
Speaker 1: decide that you are going to persevere to be with

829
00:41:10,280 --> 00:41:13,759
Speaker 1: them at all costs. I mean, sometimes you hear that

830
00:41:13,840 --> 00:41:17,000
Speaker 1: sort of Hollywood movie ending and it's very cute, But

831
00:41:17,160 --> 00:41:19,200
Speaker 1: in the vast majority of cases, if you want to

832
00:41:19,200 --> 00:41:22,880
Speaker 1: be in a healthy relationship where you're happy with yourself

833
00:41:22,920 --> 00:41:25,480
Speaker 1: and you're happy with the other person, and it happens organically,

834
00:41:26,040 --> 00:41:30,160
Speaker 1: what you pursue is being the version of yourself that

835
00:41:30,320 --> 00:41:34,839
Speaker 1: you think your ideal partner would choose. So that's why

836
00:41:34,840 --> 00:41:38,439
Speaker 1: I don't like the idea of waiting for the one. Yeah,

837
00:41:38,480 --> 00:41:41,520
Speaker 1: almost as if God is going to drop Prince or

838
00:41:41,560 --> 00:41:44,920
Speaker 1: Princess Charming on your doorstep like a stork dropping off

839
00:41:44,920 --> 00:41:48,960
Speaker 1: a baby. It doesn't happen that way. It could be

840
00:41:49,080 --> 00:41:51,920
Speaker 1: that if you are already in the place in your

841
00:41:51,920 --> 00:41:53,920
Speaker 1: life where you're really happy with who you are, you

842
00:41:53,960 --> 00:41:57,279
Speaker 1: feel emotionally healthy, you're happy with the direction that your

843
00:41:57,320 --> 00:41:59,560
Speaker 1: life is going in, then yes, at the coffee shop

844
00:41:59,840 --> 00:42:03,640
Speaker 1: you bump into somebody who ends up becoming your lifelong partner,

845
00:42:04,120 --> 00:42:07,239
Speaker 1: and that's amazing. But there is so much that is

846
00:42:07,280 --> 00:42:11,520
Speaker 1: within your control to work on in terms of how

847
00:42:11,560 --> 00:42:13,480
Speaker 1: you think and how you feel and who you are

848
00:42:13,520 --> 00:42:17,000
Speaker 1: in the direction that your future takes, that you could

849
00:42:17,080 --> 00:42:20,840
Speaker 1: be working on instead of waiting. Right. The other problem

850
00:42:20,880 --> 00:42:24,680
Speaker 1: with that statement is the one not because I think

851
00:42:25,239 --> 00:42:28,200
Speaker 1: there are two billion people who you could be compatible

852
00:42:28,239 --> 00:42:32,239
Speaker 1: with in China or India, right. I mean, I don't

853
00:42:32,239 --> 00:42:35,680
Speaker 1: think that there's only one person for everybody. But again,

854
00:42:35,840 --> 00:42:37,480
Speaker 1: I don't think it's that you wait for the one.

855
00:42:38,080 --> 00:42:42,360
Speaker 1: I think it's that once you meet someone with whom

856
00:42:42,400 --> 00:42:46,799
Speaker 1: you have compatibility and with whom you have attraction, then

857
00:42:46,840 --> 00:42:51,000
Speaker 1: together you guys create the relationship. If you're looking for

858
00:42:51,200 --> 00:42:56,600
Speaker 1: the one, there's an underlying assumption that they are coming prepackaged,

859
00:42:57,239 --> 00:43:02,759
Speaker 1: ready for you to consume. Yeah, yeah, and that you're

860
00:43:02,800 --> 00:43:05,799
Speaker 1: not going to run into obstacles, and that you're going

861
00:43:05,880 --> 00:43:07,360
Speaker 1: to be perfect as you are and they're going to

862
00:43:07,400 --> 00:43:08,880
Speaker 1: be perfect as you are, and you guys are just

863
00:43:08,920 --> 00:43:12,080
Speaker 1: going to fit together like a hand and a glove, right,

864
00:43:12,680 --> 00:43:15,520
Speaker 1: But it really doesn't work that way. What you need

865
00:43:15,640 --> 00:43:21,520
Speaker 1: is a foundation of attraction, compatibility, shared values, shared vision

866
00:43:21,560 --> 00:43:25,839
Speaker 1: of the future, et cetera. And then from there you see,

867
00:43:26,040 --> 00:43:28,560
Speaker 1: can I tolerate this person's issues? Are they willing to

868
00:43:28,600 --> 00:43:30,640
Speaker 1: work on their issues? Am I willing to work on

869
00:43:30,719 --> 00:43:34,319
Speaker 1: my issues? What are our speed bumps? What are our roadblocks?

870
00:43:34,760 --> 00:43:36,960
Speaker 1: Are those things that we can negotiate so that we

871
00:43:37,040 --> 00:43:41,760
Speaker 1: can have a successful relationship. So it's not that there's

872
00:43:42,320 --> 00:43:45,239
Speaker 1: an infinite number of people that you could be compatible with.

873
00:43:45,400 --> 00:43:49,239
Speaker 1: Unfortunately that's not true. But you shouldn't be looking for

874
00:43:49,480 --> 00:43:52,640
Speaker 1: the one. You should be looking for somebody that you're

875
00:43:52,680 --> 00:43:55,439
Speaker 1: compatible with each other, and you have a shared vision

876
00:43:55,480 --> 00:43:59,080
Speaker 1: of the future, and there's attraction there, and there's interest

877
00:43:59,120 --> 00:44:02,480
Speaker 1: and curiosity. But the way that you find that person

878
00:44:02,560 --> 00:44:05,800
Speaker 1: is certainly not by waiting, and it's also not particularly

879
00:44:05,840 --> 00:44:09,200
Speaker 1: by hinge or bumble or by going to this event

880
00:44:09,360 --> 00:44:11,840
Speaker 1: or by going to this coffee shop. The how and

881
00:44:11,880 --> 00:44:13,759
Speaker 1: the when you meet the person is not up to

882
00:44:13,800 --> 00:44:17,000
Speaker 1: you at all. That is completely in the universe's hands. Yeah,

883
00:44:17,239 --> 00:44:19,200
Speaker 1: what is up to you is getting yourself in a

884
00:44:19,239 --> 00:44:22,000
Speaker 1: position where you feel like I would want to date me.

885
00:44:22,960 --> 00:44:25,359
Speaker 1: If I could create a profile of who I think

886
00:44:25,880 --> 00:44:28,200
Speaker 1: is the best match for me, and I could be

887
00:44:28,360 --> 00:44:32,680
Speaker 1: in that person's head, I would choose me because I

888
00:44:32,719 --> 00:44:34,239
Speaker 1: think that I'm pretty awesome.

889
00:44:34,160 --> 00:44:37,920
Speaker 4: Right, Yeah, So just building up the uh, the foundation

890
00:44:38,080 --> 00:44:41,239
Speaker 4: of the self correct before like looking for like, oh,

891
00:44:41,320 --> 00:44:44,239
Speaker 4: like this is the person that's going to complete me.

892
00:44:44,320 --> 00:44:48,319
Speaker 4: It's like once you complete yourself, I mean, like whoa

893
00:44:48,360 --> 00:44:50,160
Speaker 4: and we're never like where we can always grow and

894
00:44:50,200 --> 00:44:53,279
Speaker 4: get better. But like, yeah, once you feel like you've like, oh,

895
00:44:53,440 --> 00:44:57,080
Speaker 4: I'm someone who I would think is like ready exact

896
00:44:57,160 --> 00:45:00,799
Speaker 4: to be with someone, then that person can come to you.

897
00:45:00,840 --> 00:45:03,520
Speaker 1: Then that person can appear in your reality exactly Now

898
00:45:03,600 --> 00:45:06,000
Speaker 1: I want to give one caveat, which is you do

899
00:45:06,080 --> 00:45:10,160
Speaker 1: not have to make your airplane a decked out seven

900
00:45:10,320 --> 00:45:13,239
Speaker 1: forty seven private jet in the sense of like I'm

901
00:45:13,280 --> 00:45:17,000
Speaker 1: one hundred percent complete, I'm one hundred percent have worked

902
00:45:17,000 --> 00:45:20,680
Speaker 1: out all my traumas. I one hundred percent love myself.

903
00:45:21,200 --> 00:45:23,120
Speaker 1: Like A lot of the healing and a lot of

904
00:45:23,160 --> 00:45:26,520
Speaker 1: the growth occurs in the context of the relationship. Right,

905
00:45:26,880 --> 00:45:29,040
Speaker 1: But you do have to get yourself seventy percent of

906
00:45:29,080 --> 00:45:31,960
Speaker 1: the way there in terms of being stable, in terms

907
00:45:32,000 --> 00:45:34,880
Speaker 1: of being functional, you have to have some self awareness.

908
00:45:35,080 --> 00:45:37,560
Speaker 1: You have to work through some of your traumas. If

909
00:45:37,560 --> 00:45:40,320
Speaker 1: you have addiction problems, or if you have a pattern

910
00:45:40,400 --> 00:45:43,719
Speaker 1: of a lot of problematic relationships, those are things that

911
00:45:43,760 --> 00:45:46,640
Speaker 1: you have to work through before you are ready. But

912
00:45:46,719 --> 00:45:48,680
Speaker 1: I don't want people to think that they have to

913
00:45:48,719 --> 00:45:53,399
Speaker 1: get to a place of completion where Okay, now I'm

914
00:45:53,480 --> 00:45:57,799
Speaker 1: one hundred percent on my own, Therefore I am now

915
00:45:57,880 --> 00:45:59,680
Speaker 1: ready to be in a relationship.

916
00:46:00,160 --> 00:46:00,319
Speaker 4: Right.

917
00:46:00,640 --> 00:46:03,719
Speaker 1: Your airplane, as I said, doesn't have to be a

918
00:46:03,760 --> 00:46:06,160
Speaker 1: decked out private jet. It just has to be safe

919
00:46:06,320 --> 00:46:10,120
Speaker 1: enough to fly. Yeah, just got to pass FAA regulations.

920
00:46:10,239 --> 00:46:12,560
Speaker 1: That's a great way to say it. Yeah, done, gotta

921
00:46:12,600 --> 00:46:15,200
Speaker 1: be a G six exactly. You just gotta be able

922
00:46:15,200 --> 00:46:18,680
Speaker 1: to fly safe. You know. This analogy kind of points

923
00:46:18,719 --> 00:46:21,280
Speaker 1: to how people tend to fall into one of two camps.

924
00:46:21,880 --> 00:46:25,000
Speaker 1: They either think I'm going to wait for the one

925
00:46:25,640 --> 00:46:29,960
Speaker 1: and I'm not gonna settle and I'm fine being single

926
00:46:30,680 --> 00:46:34,239
Speaker 1: on my own until the right person appears, which is

927
00:46:34,239 --> 00:46:36,719
Speaker 1: not the right way to think about it. Or they

928
00:46:36,760 --> 00:46:40,759
Speaker 1: think I'm being single on purpose. I'm being single by

929
00:46:40,920 --> 00:46:45,000
Speaker 1: choice because i want to work on myself and i

930
00:46:45,080 --> 00:46:48,520
Speaker 1: want to make sure I'm one hundred percent healed and

931
00:46:48,640 --> 00:46:52,959
Speaker 1: complete and happy on my own before i'm in a relationship,

932
00:46:53,239 --> 00:46:56,480
Speaker 1: which is also not the case. So we have these

933
00:46:56,520 --> 00:47:01,239
Speaker 1: two very polarizing camps, and both of them are completely

934
00:47:01,280 --> 00:47:03,920
Speaker 1: missing the mark. The truth is that you want to

935
00:47:03,960 --> 00:47:08,160
Speaker 1: work on yourself enough that you are stable, that you

936
00:47:08,239 --> 00:47:11,279
Speaker 1: are proud of who you are, and that if you

937
00:47:11,320 --> 00:47:16,200
Speaker 1: were the other person, you would find you an attractive candidate.

938
00:47:16,560 --> 00:47:20,040
Speaker 1: And at the same time, you do not have to

939
00:47:20,040 --> 00:47:25,000
Speaker 1: be one hundred percent healed or complete on your own

940
00:47:25,600 --> 00:47:28,719
Speaker 1: in order to be in a relationship, because once you

941
00:47:28,760 --> 00:47:32,480
Speaker 1: get into a relationship, no matter how much ayahuasca you've

942
00:47:32,480 --> 00:47:35,680
Speaker 1: done in the forest of Costa Rica and no matter

943
00:47:35,719 --> 00:47:39,400
Speaker 1: how spiritually enlightened you are, the relationship is going to

944
00:47:39,480 --> 00:47:41,799
Speaker 1: bring up some of your traumas. It's going to bring

945
00:47:41,920 --> 00:47:45,120
Speaker 1: up some of your problems. So you're going to have

946
00:47:45,200 --> 00:47:49,759
Speaker 1: to address flaws that exist within you when you get

947
00:47:49,760 --> 00:47:52,839
Speaker 1: into a relationship, no matter how much healing you've done

948
00:47:53,280 --> 00:47:55,239
Speaker 1: before the relationship, right.

949
00:47:55,200 --> 00:47:57,200
Speaker 4: Yeah, So then the caveat of them like, oh, I

950
00:47:57,239 --> 00:47:59,319
Speaker 4: have to be one hundred percent fixed. And then even

951
00:47:59,320 --> 00:48:00,799
Speaker 4: if they do get to that point, you get in

952
00:48:00,800 --> 00:48:03,239
Speaker 4: a relationship, now suddenly you don't feel one hundred percent

953
00:48:03,280 --> 00:48:05,160
Speaker 4: fixed anymore, and then it's like, oh, this is the

954
00:48:05,200 --> 00:48:08,600
Speaker 4: relationship's fault, so I should stop this relationship, curry perfect again,

955
00:48:08,920 --> 00:48:11,200
Speaker 4: and then it's just the never ending loop.

956
00:48:11,440 --> 00:48:14,640
Speaker 1: Correct, and then I'll throw another wrench at you. And

957
00:48:14,719 --> 00:48:17,160
Speaker 1: I know there's a second part to this question as well.

958
00:48:17,320 --> 00:48:20,239
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, But another interesting way to think about this

959
00:48:20,480 --> 00:48:25,600
Speaker 1: is if you were one hundred percent healed and complete

960
00:48:25,600 --> 00:48:28,200
Speaker 1: on your own, that would be the end of humanity

961
00:48:28,680 --> 00:48:32,440
Speaker 1: because a person who is one hundred percent healed and

962
00:48:32,480 --> 00:48:36,480
Speaker 1: complete on their own would not choose to be in

963
00:48:36,560 --> 00:48:39,560
Speaker 1: a relationship because of all of the work and the

964
00:48:39,600 --> 00:48:44,120
Speaker 1: baggage that it brings. If a person were ever truly

965
00:48:44,760 --> 00:48:49,880
Speaker 1: one hundred percent self sufficient, humanity would die out because

966
00:48:49,920 --> 00:48:55,200
Speaker 1: that person, feeling like they are so okay and so

967
00:48:55,480 --> 00:48:59,600
Speaker 1: content by themselves, would not choose to get into a

968
00:48:59,640 --> 00:49:04,240
Speaker 1: relationiationship with another person where inevitably you have to deal

969
00:49:04,719 --> 00:49:07,719
Speaker 1: with some baggage and some traumas and some roadblocks and

970
00:49:07,760 --> 00:49:11,000
Speaker 1: stuff like that. So as much as we try to

971
00:49:11,040 --> 00:49:14,120
Speaker 1: deny it, and as much as there's this movement of

972
00:49:14,160 --> 00:49:17,040
Speaker 1: being one hundred percent complete and healed and happy with

973
00:49:17,080 --> 00:49:21,160
Speaker 1: yourself and stuff like that, the truth is that the

974
00:49:21,200 --> 00:49:26,520
Speaker 1: main reason that people get into relationships is that as

975
00:49:26,640 --> 00:49:30,360
Speaker 1: human beings, it is not a choice or a preference.

976
00:49:31,000 --> 00:49:37,839
Speaker 1: It is a physiological, psychological, biological necessity. We need each other.

977
00:49:38,120 --> 00:49:40,520
Speaker 4: Yeah, it's like, it's not just an option, it's not

978
00:49:40,560 --> 00:49:44,760
Speaker 4: just an not biologically built to be alone.

979
00:49:45,040 --> 00:49:48,400
Speaker 1: Correct. And I'm sure I'll get roasted for saying this,

980
00:49:48,520 --> 00:49:53,480
Speaker 1: But our society, for as modern and progressive as it is,

981
00:49:54,080 --> 00:50:01,160
Speaker 1: has not yet outsmarted the wiring of our brains, which are, however,

982
00:50:01,200 --> 00:50:04,560
Speaker 1: many millions of years old, right, And the wiring of

983
00:50:04,600 --> 00:50:08,360
Speaker 1: our brains is that in order for our blood pressure

984
00:50:08,440 --> 00:50:11,280
Speaker 1: to be regulated, in order for us to live longer,

985
00:50:11,800 --> 00:50:15,000
Speaker 1: in order for us to pass on our kin, in

986
00:50:15,120 --> 00:50:18,040
Speaker 1: order for us to feel happier, in order for us

987
00:50:18,040 --> 00:50:20,920
Speaker 1: to be more stable, in order for our emotions to

988
00:50:20,960 --> 00:50:25,680
Speaker 1: be regulated, we do need a relationship. Now, I've been

989
00:50:25,719 --> 00:50:28,200
Speaker 1: single at many points in my life for many years.

990
00:50:28,280 --> 00:50:30,799
Speaker 1: So it's not that you need a relationship from the

991
00:50:30,840 --> 00:50:33,919
Speaker 1: time you turn twenty until the time you die.

992
00:50:34,239 --> 00:50:34,359
Speaker 4: Right.

993
00:50:34,400 --> 00:50:37,719
Speaker 1: There are phases and there are stages of our development. Right.

994
00:50:37,760 --> 00:50:42,560
Speaker 1: But if you really want to maximize the quality of

995
00:50:42,600 --> 00:50:45,640
Speaker 1: your life and your emotional well being, being in a

996
00:50:45,719 --> 00:50:49,400
Speaker 1: relationship is not an option, it's a necessity. That brings

997
00:50:49,400 --> 00:50:52,200
Speaker 1: me to the second part of that person's question, which

998
00:50:52,239 --> 00:50:56,359
Speaker 1: she said, are there times where casually dating I think

999
00:50:56,800 --> 00:51:01,279
Speaker 1: dat for fun is detrimental? And I think the person wrote,

1000
00:51:01,320 --> 00:51:04,680
Speaker 1: to what extent do you need experience in order to

1001
00:51:04,719 --> 00:51:07,640
Speaker 1: aid your dating Jersey, We'll just do a refresh.

1002
00:51:07,960 --> 00:51:10,080
Speaker 4: Do you think it's smart to only date to find

1003
00:51:10,080 --> 00:51:12,839
Speaker 4: life partners instead of looking around and dating for fun?

1004
00:51:13,160 --> 00:51:15,399
Speaker 4: And at what point do you believe dating for fun

1005
00:51:15,560 --> 00:51:18,200
Speaker 4: could be kind of productive to one's life or love life?

1006
00:51:18,280 --> 00:51:21,160
Speaker 1: Okay, hey, somebody just wrote thanks for the free therapy.

1007
00:51:21,200 --> 00:51:23,240
Speaker 1: I'm learning so much. That made me happy.

1008
00:51:23,560 --> 00:51:26,600
Speaker 3: Oh, Yeah, the chat's loving it, Kevin.

1009
00:51:26,440 --> 00:51:29,640
Speaker 1: Okay, awesome. Cool. So this is a hard one. I

1010
00:51:29,719 --> 00:51:32,080
Speaker 1: was in a relationship in college from when I was

1011
00:51:32,120 --> 00:51:34,640
Speaker 1: twenty one to when I was twenty five. We were

1012
00:51:34,640 --> 00:51:38,719
Speaker 1: together all four years of her college, from freshmen to

1013
00:51:38,800 --> 00:51:40,719
Speaker 1: senior year. I was a little bit older, and I

1014
00:51:40,760 --> 00:51:44,000
Speaker 1: always think about this. I always think, was that relationship

1015
00:51:44,040 --> 00:51:47,440
Speaker 1: a waste of time? Because after being with somebody for

1016
00:51:47,480 --> 00:51:49,480
Speaker 1: four years, our families got to know each other. We

1017
00:51:49,560 --> 00:51:52,080
Speaker 1: became so close. Yeah, you know, then we had to

1018
00:51:52,120 --> 00:51:54,600
Speaker 1: break up, and then it was very painful because when

1019
00:51:54,600 --> 00:51:57,120
Speaker 1: I was twenty five, I wasn't ready to get married.

1020
00:51:57,680 --> 00:52:00,279
Speaker 1: Neither was she. It was sort of this moment where

1021
00:52:00,320 --> 00:52:02,600
Speaker 1: it's like, you know, do we stay or do we

1022
00:52:02,640 --> 00:52:05,799
Speaker 1: get off the pot. So I think this question is

1023
00:52:05,880 --> 00:52:10,200
Speaker 1: particularly relevant and particularly difficult for people who are in

1024
00:52:10,280 --> 00:52:13,799
Speaker 1: their early twenties. Once you cross the threshold of like

1025
00:52:14,280 --> 00:52:18,480
Speaker 1: twenty eight twenty seven, I think that dating for fun

1026
00:52:18,680 --> 00:52:22,600
Speaker 1: or dating casually is probably a waste of time and

1027
00:52:23,040 --> 00:52:26,720
Speaker 1: probably has more of a detrimental effect on your psyche

1028
00:52:26,840 --> 00:52:30,520
Speaker 1: than it has a benefit For people who are approaching thirty.

1029
00:52:31,000 --> 00:52:36,160
Speaker 1: I describe it as going to baskin Robbins thirty one

1030
00:52:36,200 --> 00:52:40,400
Speaker 1: flavors by the age of twenty eight. You don't need

1031
00:52:40,960 --> 00:52:45,239
Speaker 1: to walk inside Baskin Robbins and sample all thirty one

1032
00:52:45,280 --> 00:52:47,880
Speaker 1: flavors to know which type of ice cream you like.

1033
00:52:48,239 --> 00:52:52,240
Speaker 4: Legally, I could potentially need to do that at Basket Robbins,

1034
00:52:52,280 --> 00:52:53,239
Speaker 4: but I see your point.

1035
00:52:53,320 --> 00:52:57,000
Speaker 1: Yeah I do, yes, So I mean, if you really

1036
00:52:57,040 --> 00:52:59,560
Speaker 1: want to get Basket Robbins for all their worth.

1037
00:53:00,600 --> 00:53:03,200
Speaker 4: No, everybody in the context of dating, no, I do

1038
00:53:03,480 --> 00:53:04,719
Speaker 4: icy exactly what you mean by that.

1039
00:53:04,800 --> 00:53:07,000
Speaker 1: Yeah, but there comes a time. How old are you?

1040
00:53:07,040 --> 00:53:10,919
Speaker 1: Twenty six? I turned thirty in November? Oh nice? Okay, Wow,

1041
00:53:10,960 --> 00:53:13,040
Speaker 1: that just made his ego go through the roof. Yeah.

1042
00:53:13,280 --> 00:53:16,560
Speaker 4: No, actually no, I've heard lower. But it felt good.

1043
00:53:17,200 --> 00:53:19,840
Speaker 4: It felt nice. I thought you look young, thank you. No,

1044
00:53:19,960 --> 00:53:22,439
Speaker 4: i'd uh, yeah, I've shaved this off. I'm sure it'd

1045
00:53:22,480 --> 00:53:24,399
Speaker 4: be even you'd have a baby face, be like, you're

1046
00:53:24,440 --> 00:53:26,080
Speaker 4: not allowed to be here without your parents.

1047
00:53:26,080 --> 00:53:30,000
Speaker 1: Where are haha? Where are they? So by a certain

1048
00:53:30,200 --> 00:53:32,800
Speaker 1: stage of life. I won't say a certain age because

1049
00:53:32,800 --> 00:53:35,280
Speaker 1: that age could be slightly different, but by a certain

1050
00:53:35,280 --> 00:53:37,319
Speaker 1: stage of life, I do think that dating for fun

1051
00:53:38,040 --> 00:53:41,720
Speaker 1: is just causes more problems than good. What I always

1052
00:53:41,760 --> 00:53:45,560
Speaker 1: tell people is if you are not dating someone with

1053
00:53:45,640 --> 00:53:49,520
Speaker 1: the intention of being in a long term relationship, you

1054
00:53:49,560 --> 00:53:54,480
Speaker 1: are dating them with the intention of going through a breakup. Yeah,

1055
00:53:54,520 --> 00:53:58,760
Speaker 1: do you want to set yourself up before you've even

1056
00:53:58,800 --> 00:54:01,399
Speaker 1: made it to the third or four date to go

1057
00:54:01,560 --> 00:54:03,960
Speaker 1: through a breakup when you think of it like that,

1058
00:54:04,680 --> 00:54:07,200
Speaker 1: probably not, because everybody knows all of the pain and

1059
00:54:07,200 --> 00:54:10,480
Speaker 1: suffering that a breakup brings. Right, Okay, exactly. There's one

1060
00:54:10,520 --> 00:54:13,920
Speaker 1: exception to this rule. The one exception is that, as

1061
00:54:13,960 --> 00:54:17,320
Speaker 1: I said earlier, when you're in your early twenties, it

1062
00:54:17,480 --> 00:54:23,120
Speaker 1: can be beneficial to gain some dating experience. I think

1063
00:54:23,160 --> 00:54:26,200
Speaker 1: for me, the four year relationship that I was in

1064
00:54:26,360 --> 00:54:28,759
Speaker 1: was not a waste because it taught me a lot

1065
00:54:28,800 --> 00:54:31,799
Speaker 1: and it grew me up a lot, and we had

1066
00:54:31,800 --> 00:54:35,239
Speaker 1: a beautiful relationship even though that it ended. So I'm

1067
00:54:35,360 --> 00:54:38,239
Speaker 1: very happy that I had that experience. The one thing

1068
00:54:38,280 --> 00:54:44,960
Speaker 1: that I would advance is experience is overrated and very

1069
00:54:45,040 --> 00:54:49,719
Speaker 1: easily abused. It's like alcohol. Most people who drink alcohol

1070
00:54:49,840 --> 00:54:53,479
Speaker 1: abuse alcohol. Right. That means that most people who drink

1071
00:54:53,560 --> 00:54:57,160
Speaker 1: don't actually know their limits. They either drink too frequently

1072
00:54:57,320 --> 00:55:01,360
Speaker 1: or they drink too much. Right, And alcohol is so

1073
00:55:01,520 --> 00:55:05,040
Speaker 1: readily available and it's so socially acceptable that people don't

1074
00:55:05,040 --> 00:55:08,520
Speaker 1: stop to think about it, like this, dating experience is

1075
00:55:08,560 --> 00:55:11,800
Speaker 1: the same thing. There are times, particularly in your early

1076
00:55:11,880 --> 00:55:16,520
Speaker 1: mid twenties, when dating experience can be valuable to teach

1077
00:55:16,560 --> 00:55:19,160
Speaker 1: you about who you are and what your triggers are

1078
00:55:19,200 --> 00:55:21,600
Speaker 1: and how you want to change, and what you're looking

1079
00:55:21,640 --> 00:55:24,520
Speaker 1: for and what's important to you. But by and large,

1080
00:55:25,040 --> 00:55:28,320
Speaker 1: it doesn't mean there's no room for dating experience, meaning

1081
00:55:28,760 --> 00:55:31,239
Speaker 1: it doesn't mean you can never have a drink. But

1082
00:55:31,360 --> 00:55:36,160
Speaker 1: by and large, gaining experience is overrated because it is

1083
00:55:36,239 --> 00:55:40,560
Speaker 1: so readily available, and it's cheap, and it's very often abused.

1084
00:55:41,080 --> 00:55:44,360
Speaker 1: So if you gain too much experience in the dating market,

1085
00:55:44,680 --> 00:55:47,200
Speaker 1: that's going to have more of a detrimental effect on

1086
00:55:47,239 --> 00:55:49,720
Speaker 1: your psyche than it is going to have a positive effect.

1087
00:55:49,880 --> 00:55:52,200
Speaker 4: It sounds like it's kind of all about like your

1088
00:55:52,239 --> 00:55:55,200
Speaker 4: own almost, like the way you're going about it, Like

1089
00:55:55,239 --> 00:55:58,520
Speaker 4: if you're like, oh, I'm just dating super casually, because

1090
00:55:58,520 --> 00:56:01,719
Speaker 4: it's like this is like I'm collecting trinkets. Yeah, and

1091
00:56:01,760 --> 00:56:05,279
Speaker 4: it's like you know, so it's whatever, but like you know,

1092
00:56:05,680 --> 00:56:06,839
Speaker 4: if you're just at a.

1093
00:56:06,760 --> 00:56:10,200
Speaker 1: Certain drink out there, yeah, at a certain point, those

1094
00:56:10,440 --> 00:56:11,280
Speaker 1: you become a hoarder.

1095
00:56:11,440 --> 00:56:14,520
Speaker 4: Yeah, you'd got too many trinkets, exactly, too many trinks.

1096
00:56:14,560 --> 00:56:16,160
Speaker 1: What are you gonna do with them all? And you

1097
00:56:16,200 --> 00:56:19,720
Speaker 1: know the difference is that trinkets can be thrown away.

1098
00:56:20,120 --> 00:56:23,080
Speaker 1: But all of these experiences that you've had, whether it's

1099
00:56:23,520 --> 00:56:27,399
Speaker 1: relationships or friends with benefits, or people you've had you've

1100
00:56:27,440 --> 00:56:30,600
Speaker 1: hooked up with or whatever, those those experiences don't go away.

1101
00:56:30,880 --> 00:56:33,760
Speaker 1: You might have forgotten about them, but they still exist

1102
00:56:34,280 --> 00:56:37,960
Speaker 1: within you and they still shape parts of your psyche. Yeah.

1103
00:56:38,000 --> 00:56:40,920
Speaker 1: And by the way, I'm not like some preacher, some

1104
00:56:41,080 --> 00:56:43,680
Speaker 1: pastor who's saying, like, be a virgin until you're married,

1105
00:56:43,760 --> 00:56:47,920
Speaker 1: like you know, creature. Kevin says, absolutely no for your

1106
00:56:47,960 --> 00:56:51,520
Speaker 1: whole life. No, no, no, I It's all right, Kevin

1107
00:56:51,880 --> 00:56:56,000
Speaker 1: Weird exactly what you said. I'm speaking from mistakes that

1108
00:56:56,040 --> 00:56:58,319
Speaker 1: I've made. I'm speaking from experience and things that I've

1109
00:56:58,320 --> 00:57:00,799
Speaker 1: had to learn the hard way and things that I've

1110
00:57:00,840 --> 00:57:01,600
Speaker 1: seen in my clients.

1111
00:57:01,840 --> 00:57:05,520
Speaker 4: No, you're yeah, you definitely carry uh an inform I mean,

1112
00:57:05,520 --> 00:57:07,600
Speaker 4: your your whole What am I trying to say, not

1113
00:57:07,680 --> 00:57:11,640
Speaker 4: your perspective, but your your presence is a very informed

1114
00:57:12,280 --> 00:57:14,279
Speaker 4: like you're I'm I'm losing it.

1115
00:57:14,360 --> 00:57:16,000
Speaker 1: Key On, help help me.

1116
00:57:16,440 --> 00:57:20,360
Speaker 4: It's okay, help help ke On, I get it. Thank you, No,

1117
00:57:20,520 --> 00:57:23,400
Speaker 4: I try exactly.

1118
00:57:23,800 --> 00:57:24,480
Speaker 3: It's my job.

1119
00:57:25,760 --> 00:57:28,280
Speaker 1: I trust exactly what your audition out, Kevin. Thank you.

1120
00:57:28,480 --> 00:57:31,840
Speaker 1: I trust is very solid informed information. Thank you. And

1121
00:57:31,880 --> 00:57:33,600
Speaker 1: we have another question. Hey, it's John here.

1122
00:57:33,600 --> 00:57:35,320
Speaker 2: We're gonna get back to this episode, but a quick

1123
00:57:35,360 --> 00:57:37,480
Speaker 2: three minute break with the ASW form our sponsors.

1124
00:57:37,840 --> 00:57:39,680
Speaker 1: They have a question from Jamie Photography chick.

1125
00:57:39,760 --> 00:57:41,000
Speaker 3: I'm pretty sure Jamie's in the.

1126
00:57:41,000 --> 00:57:43,960
Speaker 4: Chat, may or may not be here. What up Jamie, So,

1127
00:57:44,520 --> 00:57:47,040
Speaker 4: Jamie says, t O d R. I am a twenty

1128
00:57:47,080 --> 00:57:49,880
Speaker 4: eight female. I am a bigger woman with a few

1129
00:57:49,920 --> 00:57:52,800
Speaker 4: health issues. Most men either stay clear of me or

1130
00:57:52,840 --> 00:57:54,120
Speaker 4: only expect me to go.

1131
00:57:54,080 --> 00:57:55,760
Speaker 1: To bed with them, which I've never done.

1132
00:57:56,200 --> 00:57:58,880
Speaker 4: My other issue is I have struggled with wanting to

1133
00:57:58,960 --> 00:58:01,840
Speaker 4: date again after my ex left me after roughly a

1134
00:58:01,840 --> 00:58:04,880
Speaker 4: month and a half, saying he forced himself to be

1135
00:58:04,920 --> 00:58:07,480
Speaker 4: in a relationship with me and then just a few

1136
00:58:07,520 --> 00:58:11,720
Speaker 4: days later got with his sister's pregnant best friend, not

1137
00:58:11,920 --> 00:58:14,760
Speaker 4: his child to that time around, and that relationship and

1138
00:58:14,800 --> 00:58:17,840
Speaker 4: marriage has ended with her having a kid with my

1139
00:58:17,960 --> 00:58:21,920
Speaker 4: ex and then getting pregnant with his brother's child.

1140
00:58:22,120 --> 00:58:24,720
Speaker 1: I didn't even follow that, but yeah, that sounds like

1141
00:58:24,760 --> 00:58:25,200
Speaker 1: a cluster.

1142
00:58:25,320 --> 00:58:28,000
Speaker 4: Well, yeah, you definitely got yourself out of a mess there.

1143
00:58:28,560 --> 00:58:31,120
Speaker 4: I have a fear of something similar happening. But I'm

1144
00:58:31,160 --> 00:58:34,480
Speaker 4: also tired of being single and alone all the time,

1145
00:58:34,680 --> 00:58:37,200
Speaker 4: with just my dog and I at home. That's on

1146
00:58:37,280 --> 00:58:39,400
Speaker 4: top of not having a ton of confidence due to

1147
00:58:39,400 --> 00:58:42,440
Speaker 4: my weight problems with feeling beautiful in my own body.

1148
00:58:42,960 --> 00:58:45,640
Speaker 4: My question is, even though I've worked on myself and

1149
00:58:45,720 --> 00:58:48,600
Speaker 4: my confidence over the last five years, how do I

1150
00:58:48,800 --> 00:58:52,040
Speaker 4: overcome either the fear of trying to date again or

1151
00:58:52,080 --> 00:58:55,040
Speaker 4: with feeling alone until I am ready to jump into

1152
00:58:55,120 --> 00:58:55,720
Speaker 4: dating again?

1153
00:58:55,960 --> 00:58:59,000
Speaker 1: Gotcha? Thank you, Jamie. Thank you for your question. And

1154
00:58:59,080 --> 00:59:01,400
Speaker 1: you may or may not be here, but thank you. Well.

1155
00:59:01,840 --> 00:59:05,800
Speaker 1: First of all, I'm so sorry that that happened. That's terrible,

1156
00:59:06,000 --> 00:59:10,080
Speaker 1: and that is the type of situation that makes people

1157
00:59:10,640 --> 00:59:15,640
Speaker 1: afraid to date having seen something so just catastrophic. Yeah,

1158
00:59:15,640 --> 00:59:21,040
Speaker 1: it's pretty traumatizing. And you know, she started the statement

1159
00:59:21,440 --> 00:59:26,000
Speaker 1: from a very precarious position, which is as it is,

1160
00:59:26,600 --> 00:59:30,680
Speaker 1: I feel undesirable because I think she wrote, most men

1161
00:59:30,720 --> 00:59:34,240
Speaker 1: steer clear of me. And then when she did have

1162
00:59:34,280 --> 00:59:37,480
Speaker 1: a relationship with someone who didn't steer clear of her.

1163
00:59:37,920 --> 00:59:40,800
Speaker 1: He basically ditched her after a month and a half,

1164
00:59:40,920 --> 00:59:43,160
Speaker 1: threw it back in her face, and then betrayed her

1165
00:59:43,160 --> 00:59:47,920
Speaker 1: trust by going on this whole bender with people that

1166
00:59:48,000 --> 00:59:51,440
Speaker 1: she knew. So that's the kind of thing that makes

1167
00:59:51,440 --> 00:59:56,240
Speaker 1: me really sad to see because it discourages people from

1168
00:59:56,280 --> 00:59:59,560
Speaker 1: being in relationships. And part of my mission is to

1169
01:00:00,000 --> 01:00:04,760
Speaker 1: help people feel safe and comfortable to get into healthy relationships.

1170
01:00:05,200 --> 01:00:07,000
Speaker 1: So I just want to I just want to say

1171
01:00:07,000 --> 01:00:09,880
Speaker 1: that I'm sorry that that happened to you, Jamie. Yeah,

1172
01:00:09,960 --> 01:00:10,280
Speaker 1: thank you.

1173
01:00:10,600 --> 01:00:14,400
Speaker 4: I think we've actually read Jamie's story on our stream before.

1174
01:00:14,480 --> 01:00:19,240
Speaker 4: Oh wow, yeah, and it it was an entire circus wow,

1175
01:00:19,280 --> 01:00:21,680
Speaker 4: and it was Yeah, it was yeah. I think one

1176
01:00:21,760 --> 01:00:24,240
Speaker 4: of our chatters here, Klea Van Camp had said it earlier,

1177
01:00:24,320 --> 01:00:26,600
Speaker 4: is like, yeah, the Jamie lore is crazy.

1178
01:00:26,720 --> 01:00:29,400
Speaker 1: Oh my god. So so Jamie's had a bunch of

1179
01:00:29,400 --> 01:00:33,240
Speaker 1: crazy stuff pop off. Yeah. Okay. So first of all,

1180
01:00:33,280 --> 01:00:36,439
Speaker 1: I think Jamie should go talk to somebody. She can

1181
01:00:36,520 --> 01:00:39,880
Speaker 1: send me a message, she can find a counselor life coach,

1182
01:00:39,920 --> 01:00:44,080
Speaker 1: therapist in her hometown wherever you're located, Jamie. But I

1183
01:00:44,120 --> 01:00:49,400
Speaker 1: think that having someone to help restore some of the

1184
01:00:49,400 --> 01:00:52,320
Speaker 1: faith in the process and help her process some of

1185
01:00:52,560 --> 01:00:55,800
Speaker 1: what happened is going to be super helpful. Having said that,

1186
01:00:56,400 --> 01:01:00,880
Speaker 1: there is I'm Jewish. There's a phrase in Hebrew that

1187
01:01:01,000 --> 01:01:06,640
Speaker 1: says gamsell le tova, and what that means is, this

1188
01:01:06,960 --> 01:01:09,840
Speaker 1: is also for the good. Anything that happens to you

1189
01:01:09,880 --> 01:01:13,160
Speaker 1: in your life, no matter how terrible it seems, this

1190
01:01:13,320 --> 01:01:16,240
Speaker 1: is also for the good. Why is it for the

1191
01:01:16,280 --> 01:01:18,440
Speaker 1: good whether you get a flat tire, or you get

1192
01:01:18,480 --> 01:01:21,680
Speaker 1: broken up with or you go through something traumatizing, because

1193
01:01:21,680 --> 01:01:25,720
Speaker 1: the thing that is happening if you don't see yourself

1194
01:01:25,760 --> 01:01:29,440
Speaker 1: as a victim, if you see this as an opportunity

1195
01:01:29,480 --> 01:01:32,640
Speaker 1: for you to become resilient or for you to change

1196
01:01:32,640 --> 01:01:35,280
Speaker 1: something about the trajectory of your life, this is an

1197
01:01:35,280 --> 01:01:38,520
Speaker 1: opportunity for the correction of your own soul, even though

1198
01:01:38,560 --> 01:01:42,120
Speaker 1: it's extremely painful to go through. Even though I don't

1199
01:01:42,160 --> 01:01:46,520
Speaker 1: wish something like that for anybody, this is also for

1200
01:01:46,600 --> 01:01:52,160
Speaker 1: the good because our pain is never purposeless. That doesn't

1201
01:01:52,160 --> 01:01:55,640
Speaker 1: mean that random tragedies can't happen, and it doesn't mean

1202
01:01:55,680 --> 01:01:59,600
Speaker 1: that people don't do horrible things to good people. What

1203
01:01:59,640 --> 01:02:02,160
Speaker 1: I mean is depending on how you see the situation.

1204
01:02:02,960 --> 01:02:06,680
Speaker 1: Either nobody wants you and everybody screws you over and

1205
01:02:06,760 --> 01:02:09,400
Speaker 1: nothing ever happens in your favor and then it's just

1206
01:02:09,440 --> 01:02:12,680
Speaker 1: a cycle of shame that repeats, or you view this

1207
01:02:12,720 --> 01:02:16,160
Speaker 1: as an opportunity to build resilience and, as I said,

1208
01:02:16,520 --> 01:02:21,439
Speaker 1: to become the version of yourself that you think your

1209
01:02:21,480 --> 01:02:24,880
Speaker 1: soulmate would want to be with. So this is a

1210
01:02:24,920 --> 01:02:29,040
Speaker 1: much more a much sort of like higher consciousness way

1211
01:02:29,080 --> 01:02:31,960
Speaker 1: of viewing a really painful situation. And I don't mean

1212
01:02:32,000 --> 01:02:35,920
Speaker 1: to minimize the pain of a situation like this, but

1213
01:02:36,520 --> 01:02:40,760
Speaker 1: I do believe that the best way out of any

1214
01:02:40,800 --> 01:02:44,800
Speaker 1: difficult situation is to believe that there's something in it

1215
01:02:45,400 --> 01:02:50,280
Speaker 1: that was purposeful for your own soul's correction. There's something

1216
01:02:50,400 --> 01:02:53,360
Speaker 1: in it there for you to learn, and it's an

1217
01:02:53,360 --> 01:02:56,280
Speaker 1: opportunity for you to be resilient and an opportunity for

1218
01:02:56,360 --> 01:02:59,200
Speaker 1: you to grow. So to get the support, I think

1219
01:02:59,280 --> 01:03:01,880
Speaker 1: Jamie should want to hundred percent talk to somebody, because

1220
01:03:01,880 --> 01:03:05,480
Speaker 1: this is something that has probably further broken down her confidence,

1221
01:03:05,520 --> 01:03:08,560
Speaker 1: and I completely understand why. But at the same time,

1222
01:03:08,640 --> 01:03:11,320
Speaker 1: I want her to take this as an opportunity and

1223
01:03:11,440 --> 01:03:15,480
Speaker 1: as leverage and as fuel to become a version of

1224
01:03:15,520 --> 01:03:18,760
Speaker 1: herself that she would want to date, or that she

1225
01:03:18,920 --> 01:03:21,880
Speaker 1: thinks her ideal man would want to date. And I mean,

1226
01:03:21,920 --> 01:03:26,440
Speaker 1: this guy is obviously got problems, right, So yeah, I

1227
01:03:26,480 --> 01:03:29,440
Speaker 1: would say if you if you're not gonna seem to

1228
01:03:29,520 --> 01:03:32,960
Speaker 1: know how protection works is the first one. But yeah,

1229
01:03:33,040 --> 01:03:35,520
Speaker 1: it's uh, you know, it's a process.

1230
01:03:35,600 --> 01:03:37,920
Speaker 4: And as something somebody told me, what because I'm a

1231
01:03:37,920 --> 01:03:40,920
Speaker 4: guy who will get really overwhelmed by looking at the

1232
01:03:41,080 --> 01:03:43,560
Speaker 4: end of like the where I need, where it needs

1233
01:03:43,600 --> 01:03:44,880
Speaker 4: to be, or where I want it to be.

1234
01:03:45,800 --> 01:03:48,880
Speaker 1: And somebody told me that it's like you can't build

1235
01:03:49,120 --> 01:03:50,240
Speaker 1: the whole wall.

1236
01:03:50,600 --> 01:03:53,600
Speaker 4: At once, right, you can only just do one brick

1237
01:03:53,880 --> 01:03:56,479
Speaker 4: at a time, correct, And that can kind of help

1238
01:03:56,880 --> 01:03:58,720
Speaker 4: because it's like it's just just like, oh my god,

1239
01:03:58,760 --> 01:04:00,720
Speaker 4: like this transformation into this person I want to be

1240
01:04:00,880 --> 01:04:02,640
Speaker 4: is like I've got so much stuff to change and

1241
01:04:02,680 --> 01:04:04,800
Speaker 4: so much so much i want to better a blah blah blah,

1242
01:04:04,880 --> 01:04:07,439
Speaker 4: and it seems impossible, but it's not impossible if it's

1243
01:04:07,480 --> 01:04:11,880
Speaker 4: just one brick and then another brick a little bit later, correct,

1244
01:04:11,920 --> 01:04:14,280
Speaker 4: and it just the next thing, you know, you've got

1245
01:04:14,320 --> 01:04:15,400
Speaker 4: an entire.

1246
01:04:15,200 --> 01:04:20,040
Speaker 1: Wall, and that Dakota is the definition of resilience. Resilience

1247
01:04:20,240 --> 01:04:26,680
Speaker 1: is the ability to start something and believe that you

1248
01:04:26,760 --> 01:04:30,240
Speaker 1: will figure it out. People think resilience means I can

1249
01:04:30,280 --> 01:04:34,560
Speaker 1: go through hard things or I can overcome adversity. Really,

1250
01:04:34,560 --> 01:04:39,120
Speaker 1: what resilience is is I can start the process of

1251
01:04:39,200 --> 01:04:43,200
Speaker 1: doing something difficult and I trust myself to figure it

1252
01:04:43,240 --> 01:04:46,440
Speaker 1: out along the way. Resilience is the ability, in the

1253
01:04:46,480 --> 01:04:51,040
Speaker 1: face of uncertainty, to tolerate distress and continue putting one

1254
01:04:51,120 --> 01:04:53,640
Speaker 1: brick on top of another day after day. Yeah, I

1255
01:04:53,680 --> 01:04:56,040
Speaker 1: haven't thought about it like that in terms of resilience.

1256
01:04:56,080 --> 01:04:58,920
Speaker 1: That's good. Yeah, like that a lot good. I like

1257
01:04:58,960 --> 01:05:03,240
Speaker 1: that a lot. I'm really liking this. Okayo too, Let's

1258
01:05:03,280 --> 01:05:04,960
Speaker 1: keep it. Let's let's keep it rolling. All right.

1259
01:05:05,000 --> 01:05:10,400
Speaker 4: We've got our third question here from an anonymous center TLDR. I, female,

1260
01:05:10,400 --> 01:05:13,320
Speaker 4: twenty two have been in a three year relationship, but

1261
01:05:13,520 --> 01:05:15,360
Speaker 4: it is starting to feel as though.

1262
01:05:15,560 --> 01:05:16,720
Speaker 1: I'm just a roommate.

1263
01:05:17,520 --> 01:05:20,760
Speaker 4: We do not do the spicy tango nearly as often

1264
01:05:20,840 --> 01:05:23,840
Speaker 4: as a lot of people would say is healthy, and

1265
01:05:24,080 --> 01:05:26,200
Speaker 4: I don't feel like a partner. I feel more like

1266
01:05:26,240 --> 01:05:29,600
Speaker 4: an object. The question is, how do I explain to

1267
01:05:29,600 --> 01:05:33,320
Speaker 4: my partner that I want to have better intimacy, to

1268
01:05:33,360 --> 01:05:36,680
Speaker 4: feel like partners again and not roommates. How can I

1269
01:05:36,720 --> 01:05:38,040
Speaker 4: also better myself?

1270
01:05:38,360 --> 01:05:42,640
Speaker 1: Wow? I love that. I think it was a female writer.

1271
01:05:42,760 --> 01:05:45,440
Speaker 1: Twenty twenty eight year old female twenty two twenty two

1272
01:05:45,520 --> 01:05:48,280
Speaker 1: year old female. Okay, well, I love that you wrote

1273
01:05:48,320 --> 01:05:51,240
Speaker 1: how can I better myself? Too? But you answered your

1274
01:05:51,240 --> 01:05:55,200
Speaker 1: own question because right before that line you said, how

1275
01:05:55,240 --> 01:05:57,760
Speaker 1: do I tell my partner that I would like for

1276
01:05:57,880 --> 01:06:01,280
Speaker 1: us to have better intimacy so that we feel more

1277
01:06:01,360 --> 01:06:05,040
Speaker 1: like intimate partners and less like roommates. And that is

1278
01:06:05,160 --> 01:06:07,680
Speaker 1: exactly how you do it. You sit down with your partner,

1279
01:06:07,760 --> 01:06:10,280
Speaker 1: you say, hey, I want to ask you about something.

1280
01:06:10,760 --> 01:06:13,560
Speaker 1: Is it just me? Or have you noticed that there

1281
01:06:13,600 --> 01:06:18,840
Speaker 1: has been a change in our intimate dynamic and most likely,

1282
01:06:18,880 --> 01:06:21,480
Speaker 1: if you're feeling it, it's something that the other person

1283
01:06:21,520 --> 01:06:24,480
Speaker 1: is aware of too. And then you say to him, Okay,

1284
01:06:24,960 --> 01:06:27,440
Speaker 1: I'm glad that we're talking about this. I'm glad that

1285
01:06:27,440 --> 01:06:30,400
Speaker 1: we're pointing this out. I would like for us to

1286
01:06:30,440 --> 01:06:33,840
Speaker 1: work on this in order for us to reignite that

1287
01:06:34,000 --> 01:06:36,680
Speaker 1: romantic spark rather than because to me, it's sort of

1288
01:06:36,720 --> 01:06:38,800
Speaker 1: starting to feel like we're roommates. We're falling into this

1289
01:06:38,840 --> 01:06:42,000
Speaker 1: really comfortable pattern, which is very common three years in,

1290
01:06:42,120 --> 01:06:46,600
Speaker 1: especially if you live together, but even if not, it's just,

1291
01:06:46,720 --> 01:06:49,880
Speaker 1: you know, some of that initial spark starts to fade,

1292
01:06:49,880 --> 01:06:52,880
Speaker 1: and it really does require work. I always tell people

1293
01:06:52,920 --> 01:06:55,920
Speaker 1: that it requires work to find the right relationship, but

1294
01:06:55,960 --> 01:07:00,680
Speaker 1: it requires significantly more to maintain the right relationship. It's

1295
01:07:00,720 --> 01:07:03,400
Speaker 1: like it's expensive to buy a Ferrari, but once you

1296
01:07:04,000 --> 01:07:06,640
Speaker 1: have the Ferrari, the amount of work that you're going

1297
01:07:06,720 --> 01:07:08,880
Speaker 1: to have to do to keep the tires and the

1298
01:07:08,920 --> 01:07:11,560
Speaker 1: engine and the oil and the body clean. Right, that's

1299
01:07:11,600 --> 01:07:13,000
Speaker 1: like where the real work begins.

1300
01:07:13,080 --> 01:07:16,640
Speaker 4: Yeah, daily driving the Ferrari. That's an expensive way to.

1301
01:07:16,680 --> 01:07:19,840
Speaker 1: Drive a car, an expensive hobby exactly, But then you

1302
01:07:19,880 --> 01:07:22,800
Speaker 1: have a Ferrari, right, Yeah, so there's an upside to it.

1303
01:07:23,040 --> 01:07:23,280
Speaker 3: Yeah.

1304
01:07:23,320 --> 01:07:29,040
Speaker 1: So I think that this young reader needs to approach

1305
01:07:29,040 --> 01:07:31,720
Speaker 1: her significant other and say it exactly the way that

1306
01:07:31,760 --> 01:07:34,000
Speaker 1: she said that in the question. I think that that

1307
01:07:34,280 --> 01:07:38,320
Speaker 1: was beautiful. And also that's where couple's counseling comes in. Yeah,

1308
01:07:38,480 --> 01:07:41,760
Speaker 1: you know, having a third party help facilitate that conversation

1309
01:07:41,840 --> 01:07:44,959
Speaker 1: to reduce some of the awkwardness super helpful. Yeah, because

1310
01:07:44,960 --> 01:07:45,880
Speaker 1: I mean, I gotta imagine.

1311
01:07:45,920 --> 01:07:49,520
Speaker 4: Oftentimes it's like in conversations like this, you know, people

1312
01:07:49,560 --> 01:07:51,120
Speaker 4: have been together for years and it's like maybe they

1313
01:07:51,120 --> 01:07:51,960
Speaker 4: feel like roommates.

1314
01:07:52,120 --> 01:07:54,040
Speaker 1: It's like neither party might want to even bring it

1315
01:07:54,120 --> 01:07:55,240
Speaker 1: up because it's scary.

1316
01:07:55,240 --> 01:07:57,840
Speaker 4: It's scary to bring up like a conversation or a

1317
01:07:57,880 --> 01:08:01,000
Speaker 4: topic that could lead to, you know, problems, And so

1318
01:08:01,520 --> 01:08:04,520
Speaker 4: maybe just just saying that, like Kevin said, like you

1319
01:08:04,600 --> 01:08:06,920
Speaker 4: had already said it, I want to have better intimacy,

1320
01:08:06,960 --> 01:08:08,720
Speaker 4: to feel like partners again and not roommates.

1321
01:08:08,840 --> 01:08:10,919
Speaker 1: Boom, that's exactly what you need to say.

1322
01:08:11,320 --> 01:08:13,160
Speaker 4: And then it might even just be he goes oh,

1323
01:08:13,160 --> 01:08:14,880
Speaker 4: and then your partner might go, oh my god, I'm

1324
01:08:14,880 --> 01:08:17,160
Speaker 4: so glad you said that, because I also have been

1325
01:08:17,160 --> 01:08:18,439
Speaker 4: feeling that and I just didn't know how.

1326
01:08:19,920 --> 01:08:22,519
Speaker 1: And then if you really get lucky, he's just gonna

1327
01:08:22,560 --> 01:08:25,320
Speaker 1: rip your pants off right then and there, four o'clock

1328
01:08:25,320 --> 01:08:27,400
Speaker 1: on a Tuesday, stop his Zoom meeting.

1329
01:08:27,600 --> 01:08:30,880
Speaker 4: If you said, if you're really lucky, you gonna get

1330
01:08:31,000 --> 01:08:32,040
Speaker 4: lucky immediately.

1331
01:08:32,040 --> 01:08:34,719
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna tell his boss Stuart, Stuart, just a moment,

1332
01:08:34,760 --> 01:08:39,080
Speaker 1: please need to attend to some real business, Stuart. I

1333
01:08:39,080 --> 01:08:41,479
Speaker 1: have pressing business to a tech exactly. No, Listen, it

1334
01:08:41,560 --> 01:08:44,040
Speaker 1: probably won't go down that way, but he will probably

1335
01:08:44,080 --> 01:08:46,679
Speaker 1: be so grateful that you are bringing this up. He's

1336
01:08:46,720 --> 01:08:49,439
Speaker 1: probably feeling it too, And if it becomes a point

1337
01:08:49,479 --> 01:08:54,200
Speaker 1: of contention, then you bring a couple's counselor into the room.

1338
01:08:54,400 --> 01:08:56,840
Speaker 1: One quick thing that I want to say about that

1339
01:08:57,520 --> 01:09:01,040
Speaker 1: is never talk to your best, best friends or your

1340
01:09:01,040 --> 01:09:05,160
Speaker 1: family members about your intimate life. In general, if you're

1341
01:09:05,160 --> 01:09:07,960
Speaker 1: having an issue with your partner, never talk to your

1342
01:09:08,000 --> 01:09:11,120
Speaker 1: best friends or your family members about it because your

1343
01:09:11,120 --> 01:09:13,600
Speaker 1: best friend and your family members they probably love you

1344
01:09:13,720 --> 01:09:16,560
Speaker 1: too much to be able to have an objective perspective.

1345
01:09:16,760 --> 01:09:18,920
Speaker 1: You're probably going to say something that is going to

1346
01:09:19,000 --> 01:09:23,479
Speaker 1: stick in their minds, like gum underneath a desk that

1347
01:09:23,680 --> 01:09:26,000
Speaker 1: is going to be hard for them to forget. So,

1348
01:09:26,640 --> 01:09:28,600
Speaker 1: when you're having an issue with your partner, be it

1349
01:09:28,640 --> 01:09:31,880
Speaker 1: about intimacy or anything else, you talk about it with

1350
01:09:31,960 --> 01:09:35,000
Speaker 1: your partner, and you talk about it with a couple's

1351
01:09:35,000 --> 01:09:38,840
Speaker 1: counselor or an objective third party. Yeah, don't bring your

1352
01:09:38,840 --> 01:09:41,639
Speaker 1: best friends and your family members into it. Yeah, I would.

1353
01:09:41,720 --> 01:09:43,080
Speaker 1: That's also I would say.

1354
01:09:42,920 --> 01:09:47,519
Speaker 4: That's a great golden rule, because man, it does gets messy.

1355
01:09:47,960 --> 01:09:50,080
Speaker 1: Take it from the guy who just celebrated his five

1356
01:09:50,120 --> 01:09:51,639
Speaker 1: month anniversary yesterday.

1357
01:09:51,800 --> 01:09:56,080
Speaker 4: Yeah right, well technically two days ago, but yes, okay,

1358
01:09:56,160 --> 01:09:57,160
Speaker 4: and I said yesterday.

1359
01:09:57,240 --> 01:09:58,439
Speaker 1: That was my fault. I messed that up.

1360
01:09:58,560 --> 01:10:01,559
Speaker 3: Wow, you're already forgetting your five month That's crazy. You know,

1361
01:10:01,720 --> 01:10:05,280
Speaker 3: the time flies, you know, I know we have a

1362
01:10:05,320 --> 01:10:07,799
Speaker 3: couple more questions. I think we have some quick, rapid

1363
01:10:07,800 --> 01:10:08,599
Speaker 3: fire questions.

1364
01:10:09,040 --> 01:10:11,479
Speaker 1: Yeah. Also, Kean, I hope I didn't mess up your

1365
01:10:11,479 --> 01:10:13,960
Speaker 1: flow if you had other stories or whatever that you wanted.

1366
01:10:14,000 --> 01:10:15,120
Speaker 3: Oh no, oh is all yours?

1367
01:10:15,160 --> 01:10:16,040
Speaker 1: Ken, No, this is great.

1368
01:10:16,080 --> 01:10:18,120
Speaker 4: And honestly, even if we did had more stories, I

1369
01:10:18,160 --> 01:10:21,920
Speaker 4: think you've been doing Q and A infinitely more quality

1370
01:10:21,960 --> 01:10:22,599
Speaker 4: content right there.

1371
01:10:22,600 --> 01:10:25,240
Speaker 1: Okay, for sure, very insightful. We go. Sure, that's not

1372
01:10:25,240 --> 01:10:28,240
Speaker 1: the first time you've gotten that. You're very insightful, Kevin.

1373
01:10:28,280 --> 01:10:30,080
Speaker 1: Thank you. I appreciate it. I mean, I had to

1374
01:10:30,120 --> 01:10:32,360
Speaker 1: redeem myself after I blew the first Q and A

1375
01:10:32,920 --> 01:10:34,320
Speaker 1: with all of the faulty assumptions.

1376
01:10:34,320 --> 01:10:36,360
Speaker 3: I'm in no, no, yeah, it's okay.

1377
01:10:36,960 --> 01:10:40,160
Speaker 4: Well, and we and again we wish the engineering spreadsheet man,

1378
01:10:40,200 --> 01:10:42,720
Speaker 4: nothing but the best. It feels like you found.

1379
01:10:42,800 --> 01:10:46,679
Speaker 1: Watching this girl great situation. You know, watch him send, Okay,

1380
01:10:47,160 --> 01:10:49,479
Speaker 1: my next submission is she and I are getting married

1381
01:10:49,479 --> 01:10:50,040
Speaker 1: in Fiji.

1382
01:10:50,200 --> 01:10:52,599
Speaker 4: I mean, I think he really, based on everything we've

1383
01:10:52,600 --> 01:10:54,240
Speaker 4: been saying with the Q and A, is like he

1384
01:10:54,320 --> 01:10:57,960
Speaker 4: has kind of went about it almost perfectly, because he's like, yeah, yeah,

1385
01:10:58,000 --> 01:11:00,680
Speaker 4: I don't know whatever this ends up becoming. I'm just

1386
01:11:00,680 --> 01:11:04,759
Speaker 4: gonna enjoy having a DYNA have relationship with this person,

1387
01:11:04,800 --> 01:11:07,240
Speaker 4: and I'm not gonna Clearly he's not trying to force

1388
01:11:07,280 --> 01:11:09,439
Speaker 4: it to be anything, because all they did was rub

1389
01:11:09,520 --> 01:11:13,120
Speaker 4: legs and hold hands correct playfully apparently, which I don't

1390
01:11:13,120 --> 01:11:13,880
Speaker 4: know how you do that.

1391
01:11:13,880 --> 01:11:14,759
Speaker 3: That's how it starts.

1392
01:11:15,000 --> 01:11:16,679
Speaker 1: That's just that's just the start. Dakota.

1393
01:11:16,840 --> 01:11:18,840
Speaker 4: Yeah, that's just that's what the COD has been doing

1394
01:11:18,880 --> 01:11:19,960
Speaker 4: with this for five months.

1395
01:11:20,040 --> 01:11:21,719
Speaker 1: Yeah, first base, first base.

1396
01:11:22,680 --> 01:11:25,720
Speaker 4: I rubbed my knee on yours and we held each

1397
01:11:25,720 --> 01:11:27,040
Speaker 4: other's hands with three fingers.

1398
01:11:28,120 --> 01:11:30,000
Speaker 1: I don't even want to tell you where second base is.

1399
01:11:30,240 --> 01:11:33,639
Speaker 1: We got some some positive feedback. Somebody said discussing these

1400
01:11:33,720 --> 01:11:37,320
Speaker 1: questions is better than stories, so thanks. Yeah.

1401
01:11:37,360 --> 01:11:39,880
Speaker 4: I think this is gold we're in. We're in golden

1402
01:11:39,920 --> 01:11:42,040
Speaker 4: hour right now. We're digging up the gold late.

1403
01:11:42,600 --> 01:11:43,840
Speaker 1: What is up with me today?

1404
01:11:44,479 --> 01:11:44,960
Speaker 3: Every day?

1405
01:11:45,120 --> 01:11:45,519
Speaker 1: Anyway?

1406
01:11:45,720 --> 01:11:48,200
Speaker 4: Keon, you want to fire off some of the uh, yeah,

1407
01:11:48,240 --> 01:11:49,720
Speaker 4: the rapid fire questions.

1408
01:11:49,880 --> 01:11:52,040
Speaker 3: Yeah, we have a couple of rapid fire questions here

1409
01:11:52,080 --> 01:11:52,639
Speaker 3: for you, Kevin.

1410
01:11:52,760 --> 01:11:53,879
Speaker 1: Do I know these questions?

1411
01:11:54,200 --> 01:11:57,240
Speaker 3: Probably not? Maybe probably, I don't know. That's what these

1412
01:11:57,320 --> 01:11:57,880
Speaker 3: questions are for.

1413
01:11:57,960 --> 01:11:59,840
Speaker 1: So you're just like, that's not really story. So let's

1414
01:11:59,840 --> 01:12:02,200
Speaker 1: just like a sentence or two. Okay, hey it's Sam.

1415
01:12:02,200 --> 01:12:04,120
Speaker 1: We're gonna get back to these stories. But here's three

1416
01:12:04,120 --> 01:12:07,479
Speaker 1: bitites of ads from our sponsors. First question is do

1417
01:12:07,560 --> 01:12:10,400
Speaker 1: you think men should pay on the first date in

1418
01:12:10,479 --> 01:12:13,960
Speaker 1: twenty twenty five or is that outdated? It's not outdated.

1419
01:12:14,600 --> 01:12:16,720
Speaker 1: I think men should pay on the first date. Call

1420
01:12:16,840 --> 01:12:21,280
Speaker 1: me traditional. Now, do you think men should pay in perpetuity?

1421
01:12:21,960 --> 01:12:22,040
Speaker 4: No?

1422
01:12:22,520 --> 01:12:26,759
Speaker 1: I think that that is a discussion that the couple

1423
01:12:26,800 --> 01:12:27,400
Speaker 1: needs to have.

1424
01:12:27,760 --> 01:12:31,680
Speaker 4: Right back to communication versus mind reading. Correct, Just communicate

1425
01:12:31,760 --> 01:12:33,200
Speaker 4: on what your partner wants.

1426
01:12:33,360 --> 01:12:37,320
Speaker 1: Correct. I think that some couples have a much more

1427
01:12:37,840 --> 01:12:42,120
Speaker 1: traditional dynamic in terms of the roles. Other couples want

1428
01:12:42,120 --> 01:12:46,600
Speaker 1: to feel more like equal partners, and then how they

1429
01:12:46,680 --> 01:12:51,600
Speaker 1: split finances and paying for dates is one of the

1430
01:12:51,640 --> 01:12:53,960
Speaker 1: many pillars that they discuss in terms of what they

1431
01:12:54,040 --> 01:12:58,519
Speaker 1: want their lives to look like couples that last agree

1432
01:12:58,560 --> 01:13:01,439
Speaker 1: on four things on the same page. About four things,

1433
01:13:01,520 --> 01:13:02,599
Speaker 1: everybody write this down.

1434
01:13:03,000 --> 01:13:04,080
Speaker 3: We're going to be tested on this.

1435
01:13:04,200 --> 01:13:07,479
Speaker 1: One is how they handle money. Two is how they

1436
01:13:07,560 --> 01:13:11,880
Speaker 1: handle their in laws, right. Three is their views on religion,

1437
01:13:12,240 --> 01:13:15,240
Speaker 1: even if you're not religious, And four is their views

1438
01:13:15,240 --> 01:13:18,280
Speaker 1: on children. So I can't say as a blankant statement

1439
01:13:18,320 --> 01:13:21,679
Speaker 1: that the man should always pay in perpetuity on every date.

1440
01:13:22,080 --> 01:13:25,479
Speaker 1: But I do believe that on the first date as

1441
01:13:25,520 --> 01:13:28,679
Speaker 1: a sign of chivalry, which I'm a believer in, and good.

1442
01:13:28,479 --> 01:13:29,639
Speaker 3: Faith still alive.

1443
01:13:29,840 --> 01:13:32,599
Speaker 1: It's still alive, and I would recommend the guy pay

1444
01:13:32,680 --> 01:13:35,120
Speaker 1: on the first date. All right, The Kevin Stamp of

1445
01:13:35,160 --> 01:13:38,599
Speaker 1: approval on paying for the first date is official. Now.

1446
01:13:38,800 --> 01:13:40,200
Speaker 4: Oh and well, you said you've had a lot of

1447
01:13:40,200 --> 01:13:43,120
Speaker 4: gen Z clients. This question asks what would you say

1448
01:13:43,479 --> 01:13:47,479
Speaker 4: is the leading cause of gen Z not getting married

1449
01:13:47,600 --> 01:13:49,559
Speaker 4: or having kids at the same rate.

1450
01:13:49,439 --> 01:13:52,960
Speaker 1: As previous generations. That's a hard one, hon It's a

1451
01:13:52,960 --> 01:13:56,599
Speaker 1: great question. There could be so much Watch me say

1452
01:13:56,600 --> 01:13:58,920
Speaker 1: something stupid and blame it on TikTok that should I

1453
01:13:58,960 --> 01:14:02,400
Speaker 1: do every day? To the number of podcasts and stuff

1454
01:14:02,439 --> 01:14:05,439
Speaker 1: I listened to where like psychology people are like, well,

1455
01:14:05,479 --> 01:14:08,400
Speaker 1: you know the social media generation, it drives me nuts.

1456
01:14:08,400 --> 01:14:10,479
Speaker 4: Well, I do think there is something to like, uh,

1457
01:14:11,040 --> 01:14:13,679
Speaker 4: you know, people's algorithms really influence the way that they're

1458
01:14:13,720 --> 01:14:14,160
Speaker 4: thinking on.

1459
01:14:14,120 --> 01:14:14,960
Speaker 1: A day to day basis.

1460
01:14:15,000 --> 01:14:17,439
Speaker 4: It's like my Goro friend was getting stressed out because

1461
01:14:17,439 --> 01:14:19,639
Speaker 4: her her TikTok algorithm kept giving her all these videos

1462
01:14:19,640 --> 01:14:22,080
Speaker 4: about like people breaking up or like why people broke up,

1463
01:14:22,320 --> 01:14:24,120
Speaker 4: and she was getting nervous about us.

1464
01:14:24,160 --> 01:14:26,960
Speaker 1: And I'm like, just you could stop watching those. That's

1465
01:14:27,080 --> 01:14:29,479
Speaker 1: that's all it is. Yeah, it's of course, you know it.

1466
01:14:29,640 --> 01:14:32,600
Speaker 1: Technology has an influence, but it's it's like if I

1467
01:14:32,640 --> 01:14:38,680
Speaker 1: said that when calculators were invented, people stopped having relationships

1468
01:14:38,720 --> 01:14:41,720
Speaker 1: because they were over relying on their calculator. Like it's

1469
01:14:41,760 --> 01:14:45,240
Speaker 1: it's just a low hanging fruit to blame everything on technology. Yeah.

1470
01:14:45,439 --> 01:14:49,920
Speaker 1: I think technology obviously influences our our mindset. But first

1471
01:14:49,960 --> 01:14:52,080
Speaker 1: of all, no, I did not know these questions. So

1472
01:14:52,320 --> 01:14:54,880
Speaker 1: this is this is excellent because I'm thinking on my feet.

1473
01:14:55,400 --> 01:14:59,960
Speaker 1: The number one reason that people in Gen Z and millennial,

1474
01:15:00,160 --> 01:15:03,840
Speaker 1: by the way, are not getting married or having long

1475
01:15:03,920 --> 01:15:08,200
Speaker 1: term relationships, particularly in comparison to older generations, is that

1476
01:15:09,000 --> 01:15:15,840
Speaker 1: in this generation, young people start with the thought process,

1477
01:15:16,320 --> 01:15:19,920
Speaker 1: what am I going to get from this relationship? What

1478
01:15:20,120 --> 01:15:25,720
Speaker 1: is this relationship going to do for me? In previous generations,

1479
01:15:26,360 --> 01:15:30,320
Speaker 1: the way people thought was what do I need to

1480
01:15:30,479 --> 01:15:34,360
Speaker 1: bring to the table in order to show that person

1481
01:15:34,640 --> 01:15:37,479
Speaker 1: that I'm willing to put their needs above my own?

1482
01:15:37,960 --> 01:15:38,360
Speaker 3: Gotcha?

1483
01:15:38,720 --> 01:15:41,720
Speaker 1: So it's sort of completely flipped itself. Well, it's completely

1484
01:15:41,720 --> 01:15:46,200
Speaker 1: flipped itself around. This generation. I won't say is selfish

1485
01:15:46,800 --> 01:15:51,559
Speaker 1: because I don't think they necessarily have nefarious intentions, but

1486
01:15:51,640 --> 01:15:55,880
Speaker 1: they are self oriented. And our generation, I'm thirty three

1487
01:15:55,960 --> 01:16:00,600
Speaker 1: year thirty, Our generation is very self oriented. The messaging

1488
01:16:00,640 --> 01:16:04,040
Speaker 1: that we've gotten, the technology that we have, the models

1489
01:16:04,080 --> 01:16:10,880
Speaker 1: that we've seen, is all about how do we gratify ourselves? Yeah? Right?

1490
01:16:11,320 --> 01:16:14,720
Speaker 1: And when was the last time you were asking a

1491
01:16:14,760 --> 01:16:18,960
Speaker 1: friend for dating advice and he said to you, listen,

1492
01:16:19,560 --> 01:16:23,000
Speaker 1: don't think so much about what she's gonna do for

1493
01:16:23,040 --> 01:16:25,679
Speaker 1: you or whether she's the right match for you. Think

1494
01:16:25,760 --> 01:16:30,200
Speaker 1: about is this somebody whose needs you would like to

1495
01:16:30,280 --> 01:16:32,920
Speaker 1: put above your own. I don't think i've ever heard that.

1496
01:16:33,120 --> 01:16:35,639
Speaker 1: I should have heard that a long time ago. Okay,

1497
01:16:35,880 --> 01:16:40,800
Speaker 1: And what magic would be created if you thought my

1498
01:16:41,000 --> 01:16:44,559
Speaker 1: goal is to put your needs above my own, and

1499
01:16:44,640 --> 01:16:47,800
Speaker 1: she thought that her goal is to put your needs

1500
01:16:47,920 --> 01:16:52,280
Speaker 1: above hers. Then by default, you both get each other's

1501
01:16:52,320 --> 01:16:55,439
Speaker 1: needs met. You're both putting more into the pot than

1502
01:16:55,479 --> 01:16:56,439
Speaker 1: you're taking out.

1503
01:16:56,760 --> 01:17:00,960
Speaker 4: You guys become the perfect chocolate vanilla swirl ice cream cone.

1504
01:17:01,040 --> 01:17:04,040
Speaker 1: That's a great way to put it, right, It's perfect.

1505
01:17:04,640 --> 01:17:09,439
Speaker 1: But basically in gen Z, they are conditioned more to

1506
01:17:09,600 --> 01:17:13,200
Speaker 1: think about taking than they are conditioned to think about giving.

1507
01:17:13,800 --> 01:17:15,800
Speaker 4: Yeah, I think the big trend right now is if

1508
01:17:15,880 --> 01:17:18,479
Speaker 4: you wanted to, he would right, right. They have you

1509
01:17:18,720 --> 01:17:20,800
Speaker 4: heard that one I have going around? Yeah, I have,

1510
01:17:21,160 --> 01:17:24,799
Speaker 4: And people, you know, make it into these big giant

1511
01:17:24,840 --> 01:17:26,840
Speaker 4: things and it's supposed to just be like, you know,

1512
01:17:27,360 --> 01:17:30,719
Speaker 4: the bare minim of stuff, just like being nice. Correct,

1513
01:17:30,720 --> 01:17:33,120
Speaker 4: And then people are like, well, he's not giving me

1514
01:17:33,240 --> 01:17:35,840
Speaker 4: like X, Y and Z that some other person got

1515
01:17:35,880 --> 01:17:37,599
Speaker 4: and if he wanted to, he would, right.

1516
01:17:37,720 --> 01:17:39,680
Speaker 1: And if he's not giving or if she's doing this

1517
01:17:39,800 --> 01:17:42,640
Speaker 1: or whatever, they're toxic and they're narcissistic and you know,

1518
01:17:42,680 --> 01:17:45,519
Speaker 1: they're they're this, that and the other. Because I'm not getting,

1519
01:17:45,680 --> 01:17:50,360
Speaker 1: I'm not consuming, I'm not receiving, right, Whereas in previous generations,

1520
01:17:50,880 --> 01:17:53,240
Speaker 1: The way that they thought about a long term relationship

1521
01:17:53,320 --> 01:17:56,200
Speaker 1: was this is something that I have to earn through

1522
01:17:56,240 --> 01:18:00,960
Speaker 1: my capacity to give right, And people hear that and

1523
01:18:01,000 --> 01:18:03,240
Speaker 1: they go, oh, well, I shouldn't have to prove myself.

1524
01:18:03,320 --> 01:18:05,439
Speaker 1: I shouldn't have to prove that I'm worthy of love.

1525
01:18:05,760 --> 01:18:08,400
Speaker 1: But the only two people who love you unconditionally are

1526
01:18:08,479 --> 01:18:12,280
Speaker 1: your mom and your dog. Yeah. Right. Love doesn't have

1527
01:18:12,360 --> 01:18:17,160
Speaker 1: to be conditional, but all relationships are conditional. There's an

1528
01:18:17,200 --> 01:18:19,760
Speaker 1: exchange in a relationship, not in the sense that it's

1529
01:18:19,800 --> 01:18:23,120
Speaker 1: a transaction, but I have to do something for you

1530
01:18:23,160 --> 01:18:26,599
Speaker 1: to meet your needs in order for you to feel

1531
01:18:26,640 --> 01:18:28,439
Speaker 1: that this is worth your time. You have to do

1532
01:18:28,479 --> 01:18:31,120
Speaker 1: something for me to meet my needs in order for

1533
01:18:31,160 --> 01:18:33,680
Speaker 1: me to feel that we're compatible. So the way that

1534
01:18:33,720 --> 01:18:36,200
Speaker 1: people used to think about it was I need to

1535
01:18:36,240 --> 01:18:38,960
Speaker 1: be focused on what I'm bringing to the table to

1536
01:18:39,120 --> 01:18:43,120
Speaker 1: show that I am valuable and that this is going

1537
01:18:43,200 --> 01:18:46,320
Speaker 1: to be a good match. Instead, this is no particular

1538
01:18:46,400 --> 01:18:49,360
Speaker 1: person's fault. It's just sort of the way times have changed.

1539
01:18:49,800 --> 01:18:53,880
Speaker 1: People are thinking the inverse, which is, you show me

1540
01:18:54,240 --> 01:18:56,800
Speaker 1: what you're going to do for me, and then I'll

1541
01:18:56,840 --> 01:19:00,120
Speaker 1: decide if you're worthy. And that has just resulted in

1542
01:19:00,160 --> 01:19:04,880
Speaker 1: a generation of people who are hopelessly and helplessly single,

1543
01:19:05,520 --> 01:19:07,600
Speaker 1: which is quite sad because it's the opposite of what

1544
01:19:07,640 --> 01:19:08,599
Speaker 1: they want. Right.

1545
01:19:08,760 --> 01:19:11,639
Speaker 4: It's funny how they you know, the perspective of like, well,

1546
01:19:11,680 --> 01:19:14,080
Speaker 4: I don't have to prove myself, but you do.

1547
01:19:14,320 --> 01:19:18,639
Speaker 1: Every single other person does exactly to prove to me exactly.

1548
01:19:19,000 --> 01:19:22,439
Speaker 1: So yeah, that's that's an interesting window. So I would

1549
01:19:22,439 --> 01:19:25,559
Speaker 1: just say, you know, as you approach relationships, if you're

1550
01:19:25,600 --> 01:19:29,080
Speaker 1: of Gen Z or if you're a millennial, think about

1551
01:19:29,200 --> 01:19:33,479
Speaker 1: what you can give first and what you will receive second.

1552
01:19:34,200 --> 01:19:37,840
Speaker 1: And if you find somebody who is of a similar mentality,

1553
01:19:38,240 --> 01:19:41,719
Speaker 1: then you're gonna have a beautiful relationship. Yeah, just listening, Kevin. Everybody,

1554
01:19:42,720 --> 01:19:43,600
Speaker 1: as simple as that.

1555
01:19:44,360 --> 01:19:47,320
Speaker 4: And I think we probably have time for what one

1556
01:19:46,640 --> 01:19:47,599
Speaker 4: may one.

1557
01:19:47,560 --> 01:19:48,040
Speaker 1: Or two more.

1558
01:19:48,120 --> 01:19:51,080
Speaker 4: Okay, I think this next one's pretty good. This question

1559
01:19:51,200 --> 01:19:55,000
Speaker 4: is what is the biggest red flag people ignore in

1560
01:19:55,040 --> 01:19:58,040
Speaker 4: relationships because they are in love?

1561
01:19:58,360 --> 01:19:58,599
Speaker 3: Wow.

1562
01:19:59,680 --> 01:20:02,679
Speaker 1: Well, the the obvious answer is love bombing, but everybody

1563
01:20:02,760 --> 01:20:05,120
Speaker 1: has heard that a million times, so we're going to

1564
01:20:05,200 --> 01:20:08,639
Speaker 1: do something slightly more original. By the way, a good

1565
01:20:08,640 --> 01:20:13,320
Speaker 1: way to think about love bombing is that the attachment

1566
01:20:13,520 --> 01:20:17,080
Speaker 1: that's being built, The promises that are being made, the

1567
01:20:17,120 --> 01:20:21,280
Speaker 1: words that are being said are premature for the stage

1568
01:20:21,320 --> 01:20:25,040
Speaker 1: that the relationship is actually at. So obviously that's a

1569
01:20:25,040 --> 01:20:27,320
Speaker 1: red flag, because somebody can't love you if they've only

1570
01:20:27,360 --> 01:20:29,680
Speaker 1: gone on three dates with you, just you know, to

1571
01:20:30,160 --> 01:20:33,320
Speaker 1: use a simplistic example. But since everybody already knows that

1572
01:20:33,360 --> 01:20:36,040
Speaker 1: love bombing is a big reg flag, I think the

1573
01:20:36,080 --> 01:20:41,160
Speaker 1: biggest red flag that gets overlooked is unwillingness to change.

1574
01:20:42,320 --> 01:20:45,559
Speaker 1: If you ever hear somebody say the words this is

1575
01:20:45,600 --> 01:20:48,280
Speaker 1: who I am, Take me or leave me, you should

1576
01:20:48,320 --> 01:20:51,519
Speaker 1: run for the hills. Yeah, but change is so hard, Kevin,

1577
01:20:51,720 --> 01:20:54,360
Speaker 1: How are we supposed to change? Change so hard to do? Okay,

1578
01:20:54,439 --> 01:20:57,880
Speaker 1: So that's why this is the most overlooked red flag.

1579
01:20:58,040 --> 01:21:00,760
Speaker 1: The one that nobody considers a red flag is we

1580
01:21:00,840 --> 01:21:04,439
Speaker 1: have been fed this lie that people are who they are.

1581
01:21:04,880 --> 01:21:06,800
Speaker 1: We've been fed a lie that you should never have

1582
01:21:06,880 --> 01:21:09,760
Speaker 1: to change for a partner, and we've been fed a

1583
01:21:09,800 --> 01:21:12,839
Speaker 1: lie that you should never ask your partner to change.

1584
01:21:13,000 --> 01:21:15,960
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, there's so much of that, just like, well,

1585
01:21:16,000 --> 01:21:17,679
Speaker 4: if they really liked you, they wouldn't ask you to change,

1586
01:21:17,680 --> 01:21:19,599
Speaker 4: And you should never change for your partner, don't later

1587
01:21:19,760 --> 01:21:21,840
Speaker 4: change you, bro, That's.

1588
01:21:21,720 --> 01:21:23,880
Speaker 1: How you're going to end up single and alone forever.

1589
01:21:24,240 --> 01:21:27,760
Speaker 1: And if somebody says this is who I am, I'm

1590
01:21:27,880 --> 01:21:31,840
Speaker 1: unwilling to change, then what they are telling you is

1591
01:21:31,840 --> 01:21:35,280
Speaker 1: that they do not have a growth orientation. They are

1592
01:21:35,320 --> 01:21:39,200
Speaker 1: not capable of taking responsibility for their mistakes. They will

1593
01:21:39,200 --> 01:21:43,360
Speaker 1: not apologize, and it is going to be you who

1594
01:21:43,400 --> 01:21:47,479
Speaker 1: has to bend over backward and contort yourself in all

1595
01:21:47,520 --> 01:21:52,679
Speaker 1: sorts of shapes and sizes emotionally in order to wrap

1596
01:21:52,680 --> 01:21:57,400
Speaker 1: yourself like silly putty around a steel rod that has

1597
01:21:57,520 --> 01:22:01,439
Speaker 1: no flexibility. One of the biggest sign of psychological health

1598
01:22:02,000 --> 01:22:07,120
Speaker 1: is flexibility, which means sometimes you been to me, Sometimes

1599
01:22:07,160 --> 01:22:10,240
Speaker 1: I bend to you. Sometimes, even if I don't think

1600
01:22:10,640 --> 01:22:15,559
Speaker 1: I was wrong, I apologize anyway. Sometimes even though we

1601
01:22:15,680 --> 01:22:20,000
Speaker 1: have a difference of opinion, we both make a compromise

1602
01:22:20,680 --> 01:22:23,040
Speaker 1: because there's an ebb and flow in order to make

1603
01:22:23,080 --> 01:22:28,720
Speaker 1: this relationship work. The idea that someone should not be

1604
01:22:28,880 --> 01:22:32,880
Speaker 1: asked to change, or that you should not have to change,

1605
01:22:33,479 --> 01:22:36,400
Speaker 1: is a huge red flag, and it doesn't get talked

1606
01:22:36,439 --> 01:22:39,479
Speaker 1: about enough because we think that if we're asking someone

1607
01:22:39,520 --> 01:22:42,479
Speaker 1: to change, or if we're changing ourselves, that means that

1608
01:22:42,920 --> 01:22:47,599
Speaker 1: somehow someone is trying to manipulate or warp our character.

1609
01:22:48,320 --> 01:22:48,479
Speaker 3: Right.

1610
01:22:49,320 --> 01:22:51,960
Speaker 1: The problem is that what most people don't understand is

1611
01:22:52,000 --> 01:22:55,840
Speaker 1: there's a humongous difference between changing who somebody is at

1612
01:22:55,920 --> 01:22:59,760
Speaker 1: their core. Like, if you're somebody who's very religious and

1613
01:22:59,800 --> 01:23:03,040
Speaker 1: God and spirituality are very important to you, then yeah,

1614
01:23:03,040 --> 01:23:05,800
Speaker 1: you shouldn't tell someone I think we should become atheists

1615
01:23:06,280 --> 01:23:09,799
Speaker 1: because that's something that's true to your core versus changing

1616
01:23:09,800 --> 01:23:12,840
Speaker 1: a behavior, which is I don't like it when you

1617
01:23:12,960 --> 01:23:15,679
Speaker 1: raise your voice or you get intense when you speak.

1618
01:23:15,880 --> 01:23:19,639
Speaker 1: When someone asks you to change something, ninety five percent

1619
01:23:19,680 --> 01:23:22,280
Speaker 1: of the time they're asking you to change a behavior.

1620
01:23:22,720 --> 01:23:26,680
Speaker 1: They're not asking you to change a core trait. But

1621
01:23:26,800 --> 01:23:32,160
Speaker 1: our ego gets so involved and gets so defensive that

1622
01:23:32,280 --> 01:23:35,760
Speaker 1: we think this means you want to change who I am,

1623
01:23:36,200 --> 01:23:38,519
Speaker 1: And the truth is no, Dakota, I don't want to

1624
01:23:38,600 --> 01:23:41,920
Speaker 1: change who you are. What I want to change is

1625
01:23:41,960 --> 01:23:48,599
Speaker 1: a behavior that's detrimental to our relationship. And if you're

1626
01:23:48,640 --> 01:23:52,200
Speaker 1: a healthy person, you will say, if there's something you

1627
01:23:52,320 --> 01:23:55,160
Speaker 1: need me to change, I'll do it too, even if

1628
01:23:55,200 --> 01:23:57,840
Speaker 1: it's hard for me. I'll keep trying until I get

1629
01:23:57,840 --> 01:24:00,920
Speaker 1: it right. I won't turn loose because I want this

1630
01:24:01,040 --> 01:24:04,960
Speaker 1: relationship to succeed. That is a sign of psychological and

1631
01:24:05,040 --> 01:24:10,280
Speaker 1: relational stability. But for some reason, we have accepted it

1632
01:24:10,360 --> 01:24:14,880
Speaker 1: as a foregone conclusion that someone saying this is who

1633
01:24:14,920 --> 01:24:17,800
Speaker 1: I am, don't expect me to change is acceptable and

1634
01:24:18,360 --> 01:24:21,120
Speaker 1: it's not. It's a huge red flag. Does that make sense?

1635
01:24:21,160 --> 01:24:23,479
Speaker 4: You know that does it makes It makes a ton

1636
01:24:23,520 --> 01:24:26,720
Speaker 4: of sense. And honestly, yeah, you don't really ever hear that,

1637
01:24:27,240 --> 01:24:29,799
Speaker 4: you know you. Oh, in fact, I think I've heard

1638
01:24:30,479 --> 01:24:32,360
Speaker 4: the office more than anything.

1639
01:24:32,600 --> 01:24:34,400
Speaker 1: Yeah. Or it's like if they try to change you,

1640
01:24:34,439 --> 01:24:35,000
Speaker 1: but it is true.

1641
01:24:35,040 --> 01:24:38,120
Speaker 4: It's like there are some things where it's like you know, uh,

1642
01:24:38,640 --> 01:24:40,720
Speaker 4: I mean you said religion, but I'll just be like, well,

1643
01:24:40,720 --> 01:24:42,400
Speaker 4: if my favorite color's red, it's red.

1644
01:24:42,680 --> 01:24:44,960
Speaker 1: Nah, And you're not changing my favorite color.

1645
01:24:45,280 --> 01:24:49,519
Speaker 4: But like me personally, I do sometimes forget the volume

1646
01:24:49,840 --> 01:24:52,360
Speaker 4: that I'm talking at. And if it's like, yeah, I

1647
01:24:52,400 --> 01:24:54,760
Speaker 4: want you to be like so you're just quieter like

1648
01:24:54,840 --> 01:24:57,960
Speaker 4: sometimes like when we're round about or whatever, then it's like, yeah,

1649
01:24:57,960 --> 01:25:00,040
Speaker 4: that's not them changing your entire.

1650
01:25:00,479 --> 01:25:02,160
Speaker 1: Being to your core.

1651
01:25:02,200 --> 01:25:06,000
Speaker 4: You're just asking like, hey, could you please modify this behavior?

1652
01:25:06,320 --> 01:25:08,720
Speaker 1: For sure? You know, while we're with each other. I

1653
01:25:08,760 --> 01:25:11,479
Speaker 1: would just advise everybody really try to put this under

1654
01:25:11,479 --> 01:25:15,439
Speaker 1: a magnifying glass. If you're looking at changing something within yourself,

1655
01:25:15,680 --> 01:25:18,120
Speaker 1: or if you're asking somebody else to change, is it

1656
01:25:18,160 --> 01:25:21,040
Speaker 1: that you're trying to change something about who they are

1657
01:25:21,200 --> 01:25:24,920
Speaker 1: at their core, which most likely is immutable. That's going

1658
01:25:25,000 --> 01:25:28,000
Speaker 1: to be five percent of the time. Ninety five percent

1659
01:25:28,000 --> 01:25:30,120
Speaker 1: of the time. The thing that you're looking at changing

1660
01:25:30,680 --> 01:25:34,439
Speaker 1: is a behavior that is just learned. You may think

1661
01:25:34,479 --> 01:25:37,240
Speaker 1: that it's part of your identity. You may think that

1662
01:25:37,280 --> 01:25:39,800
Speaker 1: it's part of who you are, but that's because you've

1663
01:25:39,880 --> 01:25:43,800
Speaker 1: practiced it over and over again for so long. It

1664
01:25:43,840 --> 01:25:47,000
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that it's actually who you are. It means

1665
01:25:47,040 --> 01:25:49,320
Speaker 1: that it's a behavior that has taken root.

1666
01:25:49,720 --> 01:25:51,639
Speaker 4: It's funny that you said that, because I just today

1667
01:25:51,720 --> 01:25:55,800
Speaker 4: saw something about how our nervous system is wired for familiarity.

1668
01:25:55,920 --> 01:25:56,240
Speaker 3: Correct.

1669
01:25:56,320 --> 01:25:58,000
Speaker 4: So it's like, if it is something like a learned

1670
01:25:58,040 --> 01:26:01,000
Speaker 4: behavior that you've just done for a long time, changing it,

1671
01:26:01,080 --> 01:26:02,600
Speaker 4: your nervous system is literally going to tell you, no,

1672
01:26:02,680 --> 01:26:05,000
Speaker 4: you can't change that. That's like we that's what we do,

1673
01:26:05,320 --> 01:26:08,320
Speaker 4: that's a part of us. But it's just your nervous

1674
01:26:08,320 --> 01:26:09,599
Speaker 4: system playing tricks on you.

1675
01:26:09,600 --> 01:26:13,160
Speaker 1: You know, it's just your brain playing a trick on exactly. Yeah,

1676
01:26:13,200 --> 01:26:17,000
Speaker 1: if you want to be in a successful long term relationship,

1677
01:26:17,360 --> 01:26:22,560
Speaker 1: you have to be ready to attend one thousand funerals

1678
01:26:23,240 --> 01:26:28,160
Speaker 1: of your old behaviors. M Oh wow. And the other

1679
01:26:28,200 --> 01:26:30,920
Speaker 1: person has to have that willingness as well. Yeah, and

1680
01:26:30,960 --> 01:26:34,240
Speaker 1: we feel threatened by this, we feel scared. Yeah, No,

1681
01:26:34,439 --> 01:26:35,719
Speaker 1: that just made me scared.

1682
01:26:35,800 --> 01:26:39,479
Speaker 4: Hearing that that just I was like, oh, whoa, that's

1683
01:26:40,200 --> 01:26:41,439
Speaker 4: that's a good way to put that.

1684
01:26:41,720 --> 01:26:44,559
Speaker 1: Do you know what that fear is? That's your ego

1685
01:26:45,200 --> 01:26:50,040
Speaker 1: telling you these behaviors make up my idea of who

1686
01:26:50,120 --> 01:26:52,439
Speaker 1: I think I am. I don't want to change them,

1687
01:26:52,479 --> 01:26:56,600
Speaker 1: because then I won't know who I am. Your behaviors

1688
01:26:57,160 --> 01:27:00,679
Speaker 1: are not who you are, especially the negative ones. They're

1689
01:27:00,720 --> 01:27:03,520
Speaker 1: just things that you have learned as a coping mechanism,

1690
01:27:03,640 --> 01:27:07,439
Speaker 1: as a defense mechanism, as a survival mechanism. And you

1691
01:27:07,439 --> 01:27:09,360
Speaker 1: seem like a great guy. I'm sure most of your

1692
01:27:09,400 --> 01:27:13,200
Speaker 1: behaviors are productive. Shucks, Kevin, Thanks, but I appreciate that.

1693
01:27:13,360 --> 01:27:16,920
Speaker 1: But if your girlfriend points out something to you that

1694
01:27:17,040 --> 01:27:19,800
Speaker 1: she believes would be in your benefit or in the

1695
01:27:19,840 --> 01:27:23,679
Speaker 1: benefit of the relationship, to modify or to alter slightly.

1696
01:27:24,320 --> 01:27:28,240
Speaker 1: Don't let your ego get scared and get small, and

1697
01:27:28,320 --> 01:27:31,080
Speaker 1: don't have such a fragile ego that you think she's

1698
01:27:31,160 --> 01:27:34,080
Speaker 1: trying to reach in and manipulate you and warp who

1699
01:27:34,120 --> 01:27:37,240
Speaker 1: you are. I don't know your girlfriend, but assuming she

1700
01:27:37,320 --> 01:27:42,880
Speaker 1: has good intentions, maybe she's just trying to elevate you

1701
01:27:43,120 --> 01:27:44,280
Speaker 1: and the relationship.

1702
01:27:44,479 --> 01:27:47,439
Speaker 4: Yeah, I definitely wouldn't say she's she's out there trying

1703
01:27:47,439 --> 01:27:49,400
Speaker 4: to change the biggest thing she's changed was.

1704
01:27:49,320 --> 01:27:53,240
Speaker 1: My wardrobe, and she definitely elevated that. Okay, cool. We

1705
01:27:53,280 --> 01:27:56,240
Speaker 1: can look back on pre girlfriend episodes and see how you.

1706
01:27:56,200 --> 01:28:03,559
Speaker 4: Are Shrek T shirt It's every day, which I still

1707
01:28:03,560 --> 01:28:04,519
Speaker 4: have that jay, I love it.

1708
01:28:04,720 --> 01:28:07,559
Speaker 1: But what's what's funny is I wear a lot of black.

1709
01:28:07,680 --> 01:28:09,679
Speaker 1: As you can see, I'm I'm in all black right now.

1710
01:28:10,120 --> 01:28:12,880
Speaker 1: When I started dating my now fiance two years ago,

1711
01:28:13,280 --> 01:28:15,280
Speaker 1: she was like, all this black has got to go, Like,

1712
01:28:15,320 --> 01:28:17,559
Speaker 1: we gotta get you start wearing like some blues, some gray,

1713
01:28:17,680 --> 01:28:19,840
Speaker 1: some whites. And I was like, hell no, like this

1714
01:28:20,160 --> 01:28:22,360
Speaker 1: you know black is like I wear all black. That's

1715
01:28:22,400 --> 01:28:24,320
Speaker 1: like what I do. I'm in the mob.

1716
01:28:24,840 --> 01:28:32,680
Speaker 4: We wear all black and I eat spaghetti gool pushued gobagool,

1717
01:28:32,680 --> 01:28:34,200
Speaker 4: a little cold passbo motorel.

1718
01:28:34,360 --> 01:28:38,320
Speaker 1: Hey, hey, by the way, I'm not Italian, I'm Persian,

1719
01:28:38,840 --> 01:28:42,280
Speaker 1: you know, so maybe we should be talking about eating kebabs.

1720
01:28:42,320 --> 01:28:44,720
Speaker 4: And I feel like that's, you know, kind of like

1721
01:28:45,040 --> 01:28:47,760
Speaker 4: mob adjacent, you know, like the vibe like you could

1722
01:28:47,760 --> 01:28:49,840
Speaker 4: have like the Persian like version.

1723
01:28:49,720 --> 01:28:51,840
Speaker 3: Persians the new Italian. Is that what you're saying?

1724
01:28:52,000 --> 01:28:55,000
Speaker 4: Yeah, exactly, dude, Persian Sopranos, somebody write that down.

1725
01:28:55,040 --> 01:28:57,000
Speaker 1: I gotta make a pitch packet for I think Persian

1726
01:28:57,000 --> 01:29:01,640
Speaker 1: Sopranos was like the Shaws of Sunset. Oh dude, that

1727
01:29:01,760 --> 01:29:04,760
Speaker 1: stupid show about the real estate guys.

1728
01:29:04,840 --> 01:29:07,160
Speaker 3: Right, yeah, isn't it the Kardashians.

1729
01:29:07,240 --> 01:29:08,400
Speaker 1: Kardashians are Armenian.

1730
01:29:08,439 --> 01:29:08,559
Speaker 4: Bro.

1731
01:29:08,800 --> 01:29:11,880
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's racist. Hey, come on, let's let's have a

1732
01:29:11,880 --> 01:29:13,880
Speaker 1: little class here. Come on, I thought this was a

1733
01:29:13,920 --> 01:29:19,960
Speaker 1: family channel. But yeah, man, listen. The wardrobe is a

1734
01:29:19,960 --> 01:29:26,000
Speaker 1: silly example, but even something as simplistic as wearing a

1735
01:29:26,000 --> 01:29:28,960
Speaker 1: white shirt instead of a black shirt, like at first,

1736
01:29:28,960 --> 01:29:31,519
Speaker 1: my ego had opposition to that because I thought she

1737
01:29:31,640 --> 01:29:34,920
Speaker 1: was trying to change something that was part of my identity.

1738
01:29:35,360 --> 01:29:37,519
Speaker 1: But I had made it part of my identity. My

1739
01:29:37,680 --> 01:29:41,920
Speaker 1: ego had integrated my wardrobe into this idea of who

1740
01:29:41,960 --> 01:29:44,960
Speaker 1: I am, and now like some girl who I just

1741
01:29:45,080 --> 01:29:47,280
Speaker 1: met is not going to change that. But it's so

1742
01:29:47,800 --> 01:29:51,080
Speaker 1: it's so silly, because she just wanted me to look better, right,

1743
01:29:51,280 --> 01:29:54,200
Speaker 1: you see what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, so I think

1744
01:29:54,240 --> 01:29:56,160
Speaker 1: you get the idea. Yeah, I definitely do.

1745
01:29:56,280 --> 01:30:00,000
Speaker 4: I've definitely taken away a lot from our conversations cool Man,

1746
01:30:00,240 --> 01:30:03,439
Speaker 4: or our conversation here today. Thank you, and uh, I

1747
01:30:03,520 --> 01:30:07,080
Speaker 4: believe that's all the time that we've had that we

1748
01:30:07,120 --> 01:30:07,559
Speaker 4: do have.

1749
01:30:07,960 --> 01:30:10,120
Speaker 1: Man, I just yeah, I see, it's sure. I'm getting

1750
01:30:10,160 --> 01:30:12,240
Speaker 1: lost in your eyes. I can't. I thank you, brother,

1751
01:30:12,320 --> 01:30:13,679
Speaker 1: I've lost my ability stop.

1752
01:30:13,760 --> 01:30:16,880
Speaker 3: He's just getting married in June. Man.

1753
01:30:17,120 --> 01:30:17,960
Speaker 1: Yeah, oh my god, I'm sorry.

1754
01:30:18,840 --> 01:30:21,760
Speaker 3: Kevin. It's been an honor. You've been been a great guest.

1755
01:30:21,920 --> 01:30:24,040
Speaker 3: We have some comments just for you. Yeah, some people

1756
01:30:24,080 --> 01:30:27,599
Speaker 3: are just loving you today. Hey, Kevin has been an

1757
01:30:27,600 --> 01:30:29,879
Speaker 3: absolute favorite guest so far from you, Kats.

1758
01:30:29,760 --> 01:30:33,760
Speaker 1: Leak, that's actually my mom, Thank you. Mom.

1759
01:30:34,360 --> 01:30:38,080
Speaker 3: Stella says, when is Kevin coming back? I think someone said? Uh? Hey,

1760
01:30:38,200 --> 01:30:41,320
Speaker 3: Mingming says, dude, Kevin keeps blowing my damn mind. Shelle

1761
01:30:41,320 --> 01:30:42,920
Speaker 3: Bell says Kevin NEETs a podcast.

1762
01:30:43,479 --> 01:30:44,760
Speaker 1: Thank you, I have a podcast.

1763
01:30:45,040 --> 01:30:48,599
Speaker 3: Oh do you do amazing well, Kevin? Yeah, no, this

1764
01:30:48,439 --> 01:30:50,840
Speaker 3: is this is the perfect time to give that plug

1765
01:30:50,880 --> 01:30:54,160
Speaker 3: of where we can find you, your podcast, your information,

1766
01:30:54,200 --> 01:30:56,280
Speaker 3: how people can reach out to you, maybe even be

1767
01:30:56,360 --> 01:30:59,200
Speaker 3: a client of yours. Please, Kevin, thank you, Kean, You're

1768
01:30:59,280 --> 01:30:59,679
Speaker 3: very welcome.

1769
01:30:59,680 --> 01:31:02,160
Speaker 1: Thank you, Thank you for all the awesome listeners and

1770
01:31:02,200 --> 01:31:04,320
Speaker 1: for all these comments. It really made my day. I

1771
01:31:04,360 --> 01:31:08,480
Speaker 1: have a podcast. It's on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, et cetera. Ironically,

1772
01:31:08,520 --> 01:31:12,599
Speaker 1: it's called Nobody Listens to Kevin. No, well, we're breaking

1773
01:31:12,600 --> 01:31:15,360
Speaker 1: that trend here today. Yeah, and I called it nobody

1774
01:31:15,360 --> 01:31:18,040
Speaker 1: listens to Kevin because there's this joke that I'll tell

1775
01:31:18,040 --> 01:31:20,320
Speaker 1: my clients things they won't listen. Then they'll come back

1776
01:31:20,360 --> 01:31:22,120
Speaker 1: and they'll be like, God, I should have listened to you,

1777
01:31:22,160 --> 01:31:25,720
Speaker 1: like you were totally right. Yeah, but yeah, please check

1778
01:31:25,720 --> 01:31:28,360
Speaker 1: out my podcast. I'm on Instagram. It's just my name

1779
01:31:28,520 --> 01:31:31,240
Speaker 1: Kevin to hi and TikTok is also my name, Kevin

1780
01:31:31,400 --> 01:31:33,800
Speaker 1: High and you can reach out to me anytime on

1781
01:31:33,840 --> 01:31:36,480
Speaker 1: my website, which is Kevinnanehai dot com.

1782
01:31:36,520 --> 01:31:36,920
Speaker 3: Amazing.

1783
01:31:37,040 --> 01:31:39,840
Speaker 1: Thank you, Thank you guys so much. Thank you Ken

1784
01:31:39,880 --> 01:31:43,120
Speaker 1: appreciate you guys. It was an absolute pleasure. Awesome.

1785
01:31:43,280 --> 01:31:44,599
Speaker 3: Thank you, Thank you, Kevin,