WEBVTT - I'd rather be single than settle 0:00:00.110 --> 0:00:04.010 Hi guys, and welcome back to Too Much. I am 0:00:04.050 --> 0:00:08.610 recording at night right now. This is not something I 0:00:08.630 --> 0:00:11.230 typically do. I'm pretty much like a middle of the 0:00:11.289 --> 0:00:17.520 day kind of a gal when I record. So drinking 0:00:17.550 --> 0:00:23.980 a Celsius at 6.15 p.m. Please pray for me that 0:00:24.540 --> 0:00:27.440 I'm gonna be able to sleep tonight. Also, not sponsored 0:00:27.480 --> 0:00:32.370 by Celsius, but... If you know a guy, let me know. 0:00:32.810 --> 0:00:36.150 Love my energy drinks. Anyways, I don't really have too 0:00:36.170 --> 0:00:40.709 much of a catch up today. I haven't like been 0:00:40.750 --> 0:00:43.570 doing anything but working recently. I haven't even really been 0:00:43.610 --> 0:00:46.449 dating or. 0:00:45.229 --> 0:00:47.710 Going on dates, I'll say, because like I'm open. 0:00:47.729 --> 0:00:51.580 I will. Just no one's asking me on any dates. 0:00:53.200 --> 0:00:55.740 I'm choosing that life. It's not them. 0:00:57.500 --> 0:01:01.050 Just kidding. No one's asking me on dates. Anyways, moving on. 0:01:01.070 --> 0:01:05.130 I don't really have any life updates, but I feel 0:01:05.190 --> 0:01:09.610 I will soon. So TBD, more to come, to be continued, 0:01:09.640 --> 0:01:13.080 I guess. But we are still in the Midtown studio 0:01:13.200 --> 0:01:16.640 for you don't know where I am. We're still in 0:01:16.660 --> 0:01:19.780 the other studio, the new studio. I have not really 0:01:19.819 --> 0:01:23.510 found a darker one yet for myself, and I don't 0:01:23.550 --> 0:01:25.700 think I will. I just got a comment when I 0:01:25.720 --> 0:01:27.740 was walking into this building of someone being like, I 0:01:27.760 --> 0:01:30.590 prefer your old studio. And I'm like, motherfuckers, so would I. 0:01:31.240 --> 0:01:33.100 But this is what we're dealing with. And I got 0:01:33.120 --> 0:01:35.830 to roll with the punches. But at the very least, 0:01:35.910 --> 0:01:40.790 I have become more comfortable with this studio. But anyways, 0:01:40.870 --> 0:01:43.770 I digress. This is what we're dealing with until I 0:01:43.810 --> 0:01:49.020 have the funds to build my own goddamn studio. So like, follow, subscribe, comment, 0:01:49.220 --> 0:01:53.440 tell your friends, tell your mom, tell your cousins, whatever, whoever, 0:01:53.540 --> 0:01:55.560 tell your co-workers. everyone. 0:01:56.260 --> 0:01:58.300 Blast it. I'm done. I'm done here. 0:01:58.480 --> 0:02:03.750 Anyways, what we're going to talk about today. So apparently 0:02:03.770 --> 0:02:10.410 recording at night is hard for me. What we're going 0:02:10.430 --> 0:02:13.109 to talk about today is something I feel very passionate 0:02:13.130 --> 0:02:15.989 about and I feel a lot of you will as well. 0:02:17.210 --> 0:02:20.630 And it's kind of like a controversial topic. It's something 0:02:20.669 --> 0:02:22.500 that a lot of. 0:02:22.500 --> 0:02:24.540 People like to debate over. 0:02:25.360 --> 0:02:28.820 And ironically, as I was walking into the building, I 0:02:28.860 --> 0:02:34.519 was smacked with the exact feeling and fact of the 0:02:34.580 --> 0:02:38.639 rabbit hole I'm about to go down. Because apparently there 0:02:38.900 --> 0:02:43.700 is a bridal salon in this building, wedding dresses, whatever. 0:02:43.720 --> 0:02:45.000 I don't even know what the fuck it's called because 0:02:45.030 --> 0:02:46.950 I've never entered that phase of my life. But I 0:02:47.000 --> 0:02:49.590 saw some girl walking out with a wedding dress, And 0:02:49.630 --> 0:02:52.820 then four other girls loading into the elevator with me 0:02:52.980 --> 0:02:56.120 to go try on wedding dresses on a Wednesday at 0:02:56.120 --> 0:03:04.470 6 p.m. And ironically, today we are talking about the 0:03:04.500 --> 0:03:08.950 fact that so many of us women are staying single 0:03:09.470 --> 0:03:10.190 for much longer. 0:03:11.210 --> 0:03:12.310 And I don't want to put an age on it. 0:03:12.310 --> 0:03:13.730 I'm not gonna put a decade on it or anything 0:03:13.750 --> 0:03:14.250 like that. 0:03:14.630 --> 0:03:16.570 And, you know, this is all. 0:03:18.000 --> 0:03:22.120 Mainly my own opinion and also some statistics from the internet. 0:03:22.280 --> 0:03:24.079 But it's up for debate. 0:03:24.139 --> 0:03:25.900 It's a generalization. I know this whole episode is going 0:03:25.919 --> 0:03:28.660 to piss all the men off. But anyways, this is 0:03:28.680 --> 0:03:30.400 what we're talking about today. So let's go down the 0:03:30.419 --> 0:03:33.460 fucking rabbit hole. And I'll shut up about all this 0:03:33.500 --> 0:03:34.100 other random shit. 0:03:34.410 --> 0:03:35.030 Anyways, let's go. 0:03:37.660 --> 0:03:39.830 So the other night, I was out to dinner with 0:03:39.970 --> 0:03:42.590 some of my girlfriends. And one of them was talking 0:03:42.630 --> 0:03:46.270 about this conversation that she had with her mom. And essentially... 0:03:47.050 --> 0:03:49.970 her mom said to her, are you happy with the 0:03:50.010 --> 0:03:54.110 decisions you've made? Implying, do you regret the decisions that 0:03:54.150 --> 0:03:57.490 you have made throughout your life up until now to 0:03:57.510 --> 0:04:01.290 the point where you're single still? So naturally this sparked 0:04:01.560 --> 0:04:06.000 and fueled a hour long conversation amongst us because the 0:04:06.040 --> 0:04:07.460 three of us are all in our thirties and we're 0:04:07.500 --> 0:04:10.740 all single and none of us are even dating anyone. 0:04:11.700 --> 0:04:15.640 I look around at my friends and most women I 0:04:15.700 --> 0:04:19.570 know And they have careers. They have apartments that they 0:04:19.630 --> 0:04:22.770 pay for. They constantly are going on trips. They have hobbies. 0:04:22.810 --> 0:04:26.240 They have friends. They eat at the best restaurants. They 0:04:26.279 --> 0:04:31.240 have entire fucking lives that are completely self-funded. And yet 0:04:31.260 --> 0:04:36.200 there is this bizarre cultural narrative going on that if 0:04:36.250 --> 0:04:41.130 you are 32 and single, something must have gone wrong. 0:04:41.790 --> 0:04:43.790 And most of my friends are single. I am single. 0:04:44.750 --> 0:04:47.730 But the problem we're having is not that we cannot 0:04:47.830 --> 0:04:52.630 find anyone to date. The problem is finding someone whose 0:04:52.730 --> 0:04:58.810 presence would make our already good life better. Our grandmothers 0:04:59.210 --> 0:05:05.230 needed husbands. Our mothers prioritized husbands. We are the first 0:05:05.270 --> 0:05:08.890 generation of women who can genuinely ask, but do I 0:05:09.029 --> 0:05:12.620 actually like this man enough to build a life around him? 0:05:13.150 --> 0:05:13.690 And apparently. 0:05:14.600 --> 0:05:19.100 That question has resulted in a bit of a staffing shortage. 0:05:20.060 --> 0:05:25.150 Women didn't suddenly become impossible to please. We didn't suddenly 0:05:25.230 --> 0:05:32.730 become these impenetrable fortresses. In fact, we did the opposite. 0:05:33.610 --> 0:05:38.010 We removed a barrier of entry. And we became harder 0:05:38.040 --> 0:05:43.480 to impress because partnership is no longer required for survival. 0:05:44.540 --> 0:05:48.100 So what happens to heterosexual relationships when women no longer 0:05:48.220 --> 0:05:52.020 need men to survive yet still want partnership? 0:05:53.800 --> 0:05:54.940 We're all fucking single. 0:05:55.680 --> 0:06:00.460 According to research, in 1975, the median American woman married 0:06:00.480 --> 0:06:05.680 for the first time at 21 years old. And in 2025, 0:06:05.680 --> 0:06:09.719 it was 28 years old. That is a massive cultural 0:06:09.779 --> 0:06:14.770 shift in one generation in 50 years. And so when 0:06:14.810 --> 0:06:18.590 I first read this, I was like, okay, putting it 0:06:18.630 --> 0:06:22.279 into perspective, so much actually has to change for the 0:06:22.620 --> 0:06:27.820 average age of all the women in America to increase 0:06:27.860 --> 0:06:31.219 by seven years. But then I was like, well, is 0:06:31.279 --> 0:06:36.970 that just the incline, the trajectory? Does it just increase, 0:06:37.010 --> 0:06:39.930 you know, seven years every 50 years? So I looked 0:06:39.970 --> 0:06:45.460 into it and turns out, In. 0:06:44.580 --> 0:06:45.820 1925, 50 years earlier. 0:06:45.839 --> 0:06:51.850 The median American woman married for the first time at 0:06:51.850 --> 0:06:55.710 21 years old. So there was no increase in the 0:06:55.770 --> 0:07:03.820 median age for 100 fucking years until us, until now. 0:07:04.520 --> 0:07:10.920 And unfortunately, regardless of all of this changing, people's expectations 0:07:10.980 --> 0:07:14.430 have not. Marriage has obviously always included love and affection 0:07:14.770 --> 0:07:19.520 and attention, connection, companionship, all of those things. But for women, 0:07:20.120 --> 0:07:22.460 for so much of history, it was also deeply connected 0:07:22.540 --> 0:07:29.900 to economic stability, financial security, social status, and survival. Continuation 0:07:29.930 --> 0:07:33.790 of the lineage, of the bloodline. Someone to carry on 0:07:33.830 --> 0:07:37.230 their father's last name. And women had fewer ways to 0:07:37.370 --> 0:07:41.300 independently build a life that they wanted. There were fewer 0:07:41.330 --> 0:07:44.680 career opportunities. It was so much harder to be financially independent. 0:07:45.060 --> 0:07:49.980 There was also the stigma and the judgment amongst the townspeople. 0:07:50.800 --> 0:07:53.060 You were considered a harlot or an old maid if 0:07:53.080 --> 0:07:56.260 you weren't married by fucking 13 years old. There was 0:07:56.290 --> 0:08:01.510 a lot more pressure back then to get married because 0:08:01.610 --> 0:08:04.550 without a husband, without someone who could earn the money, 0:08:05.730 --> 0:08:08.010 you were left for the streets. If you wanted a 0:08:08.150 --> 0:08:11.900 comfortable life, there really weren't any other options other than 0:08:11.940 --> 0:08:14.460 to rely on a man and get married. The question 0:08:14.500 --> 0:08:17.620 was hardly ever, is this the greatest man I've ever met? 0:08:18.170 --> 0:08:20.170 And most of the time it was, can I build 0:08:20.210 --> 0:08:22.810 a stable life with this man? Or can he build 0:08:22.850 --> 0:08:25.790 a stable life that I can tack on to? And 0:08:26.390 --> 0:08:33.250 those are two very different auditions. They're very different boxes 0:08:33.309 --> 0:08:35.670 that they need to check off. Because when you need 0:08:35.740 --> 0:08:41.180 marriage to access the life you want good enough, sometimes 0:08:41.260 --> 0:08:44.200 actually can be good enough. But when you've already built 0:08:44.880 --> 0:08:49.050 the apartment, the career, the life, the friendships, the vacations, 0:08:49.590 --> 0:08:55.150 now you're evaluating your partner almost entirely on who he is. 0:08:55.929 --> 0:08:59.790 And suddenly, it matters a bit more if you're a 0:08:59.910 --> 0:09:01.290 Chad with no personality. 0:09:02.030 --> 0:09:03.850 And I think that the biggest shift. 0:09:03.710 --> 0:09:08.420 Of them all is that men are no longer competing 0:09:08.660 --> 0:09:11.320 with other men. A lot of the dating advice out 0:09:11.360 --> 0:09:16.780 there directed towards men still frames the competition incorrectly. Other 0:09:16.820 --> 0:09:19.559 guys are trying to get her. If you don't, someone 0:09:19.620 --> 0:09:25.420 else will. Like, okay, duh, yes, obviously. But increasingly, you 0:09:25.480 --> 0:09:29.110 are not competing against another guy. You are competing against 0:09:29.730 --> 0:09:36.850 her peace, her solitude, her Sunday mornings, her... career goals, 0:09:37.710 --> 0:09:41.130 her friends who probably send her flowers a lot more 0:09:41.150 --> 0:09:45.380 than you do, her ability to travel whenever she wants, 0:09:46.179 --> 0:09:51.559 her clean bathroom, her king-size bed, her ability to eat 0:09:51.600 --> 0:09:54.650 sushi on her couch without someone breathing next to her 0:09:55.410 --> 0:09:57.110 while watching whatever show she wants to watch. 0:09:57.830 --> 0:09:58.740 That's what you're competing with. 0:09:59.220 --> 0:10:02.940 So the question women today are asking is not, are 0:10:02.980 --> 0:10:06.860 you better than other men? It's, is having you in 0:10:06.920 --> 0:10:10.200 my life better than having you not in my life? 0:10:10.880 --> 0:10:14.660 And I think that is the question that far too 0:10:14.700 --> 0:10:17.780 many men have not quite caught on to yet. Enter. 0:10:18.630 --> 0:10:20.469 The male loneliness epidemic. 0:10:21.130 --> 0:10:23.250 Now, I do not want to spend too much time 0:10:23.450 --> 0:10:26.609 on this because today is not about them, but I 0:10:26.670 --> 0:10:30.150 do think this is worth double-clicking into, if you will. 0:10:30.929 --> 0:10:36.550 Women gaining independence didn't just change women's lives. It fundamentally 0:10:36.590 --> 0:10:39.890 changed what men need to bring into a relationship. For 0:10:39.990 --> 0:10:43.500 so long, men were socialized to be the providers, get 0:10:43.530 --> 0:10:46.640 a job, provide for the family, protect the family, put 0:10:46.679 --> 0:10:49.339 a roof over their heads. But what happens when a 0:10:49.400 --> 0:10:51.970 woman can put a roof over her own head? The 0:10:52.000 --> 0:10:56.090 role does not disappear, but the job description definitely changes. 0:10:56.750 --> 0:10:59.429 And I think there is an argument that women adapted 0:10:59.530 --> 0:11:05.030 to their new freedom much faster than men adapted to. 0:11:07.309 --> 0:11:09.530 The fact that women need something different from them now. 0:11:10.460 --> 0:11:14.599 Women no longer need men economically at the same level 0:11:15.440 --> 0:11:16.340 they did in the past. 0:11:17.080 --> 0:11:17.760 But many men. 0:11:18.280 --> 0:11:23.100 were never taught how to become necessary emotionally. They weren't 0:11:23.140 --> 0:11:30.300 necessarily raised to build deep friendships, be emotionally available, communicate 0:11:30.350 --> 0:11:35.829 their feelings, be vulnerable, maintain emotional support systems, or just 0:11:35.890 --> 0:11:42.930 develop relationship skills that we as women are constantly prioritizing. 0:11:43.530 --> 0:11:47.050 So you end up with this bizarre disconnect. Women saying, 0:11:47.840 --> 0:11:50.860 I can't find a man who can meet me emotionally. 0:11:51.520 --> 0:11:55.480 And men saying, I'm fucking lonely. So yeah, those might 0:11:55.520 --> 0:11:58.840 not be two separate problems, but they might be two 0:11:58.900 --> 0:12:03.600 symptoms of the same cultural transition. And this is for 0:12:03.740 --> 0:12:09.430 our generation specifically, because we basically spent the previous generations 0:12:09.910 --> 0:12:13.150 raising boys, telling them, don't cry, don't be needy, don't 0:12:13.190 --> 0:12:16.050 talk about your feelings, toughen up, rub some dirt in it. 0:12:16.390 --> 0:12:17.350 And then they became adults. 0:12:18.250 --> 0:12:21.929 And the women that they are trying to partner up 0:12:21.990 --> 0:12:27.430 with went, okay, actually, we want you to be emotionally available, 0:12:27.450 --> 0:12:29.770 have a high EQ, and talk about your feelings with me. 0:12:30.490 --> 0:12:35.469 And some of these men, I think, went, bitch, when 0:12:35.530 --> 0:12:36.870 was I supposed to learn how to do that? 0:12:37.650 --> 0:12:38.650 And if you. 0:12:38.350 --> 0:12:43.130 Have learned what I've learned in the past is it's 0:12:43.170 --> 0:12:46.190 really hard to teach old dogs new tricks. So. 0:12:47.990 --> 0:12:50.910 We've put ourselves in a bit of a pickle, again, 0:12:50.970 --> 0:12:55.290 with this generation specifically, because the kids who are growing 0:12:55.330 --> 0:12:57.310 up now are going to be fine because their parents 0:12:57.350 --> 0:12:59.890 are in therapy. They're talking about big feelings and all 0:12:59.910 --> 0:13:04.460 these things. And boys and girls are learning to be 0:13:04.550 --> 0:13:06.000 really emotionally vulnerable. 0:13:07.460 --> 0:13:08.860 So they're not going to deal with this the way 0:13:08.880 --> 0:13:09.360 that we are. 0:13:10.380 --> 0:13:14.220 This is truly the first and only generation that is 0:13:15.160 --> 0:13:19.100 dealing with this specific problem. Our parents raised men to 0:13:19.140 --> 0:13:24.459 provide financially. And then out comes this generation of women 0:13:25.600 --> 0:13:29.300 who can do it themselves. Yet nobody updated the curriculum. 0:13:30.120 --> 0:13:34.160 But enough about them. Like I said, not about them today. 0:13:35.000 --> 0:13:37.770 Because let's be honest, whether a man is in the 0:13:37.809 --> 0:13:41.670 middle of a loneliness epidemic or not, he still does 0:13:41.730 --> 0:13:46.410 not have every single person he comes into contact with 0:13:47.270 --> 0:13:49.540 asking whether or not he's popping his eggs into a 0:13:49.580 --> 0:13:52.660 freezer until someone says, I love you. I always heard 0:13:52.700 --> 0:13:57.020 about this stigma of relatives berating you at every holiday, 0:13:57.220 --> 0:13:59.900 every event, all the things, asking when you're going to 0:13:59.920 --> 0:14:03.430 settle down, if you and so-and-so are going to get married. 0:14:04.110 --> 0:14:06.690 And I thought it was a myth, or maybe I 0:14:06.730 --> 0:14:08.890 thought I was never going to enter that phase of 0:14:08.929 --> 0:14:10.370 my life, or maybe I thought I was going to 0:14:10.390 --> 0:14:12.630 be married by 26 years old and I just wouldn't 0:14:12.670 --> 0:14:16.940 have it happen to me. But when Mr. Right then 0:14:16.980 --> 0:14:19.640 and I broke up, I very much realized this is 0:14:19.720 --> 0:14:24.280 a real thing. And it happens every time I'm in 0:14:24.320 --> 0:14:26.990 a crowded room. They ask if you're dating someone. They're 0:14:27.000 --> 0:14:29.230 asking if it's serious. They're asking if he's the one. 0:14:29.250 --> 0:14:30.510 They're asking when you're going to have kids, when you're 0:14:30.530 --> 0:14:37.150 going to get married. It's unbelievable how many people are 0:14:37.370 --> 0:14:40.430 so tone deaf to what we are going through to 0:14:40.650 --> 0:14:44.150 ask these stupid fucking questions. I thought my life was 0:14:44.190 --> 0:14:46.730 going in one direction and then it took a hard 0:14:46.790 --> 0:14:49.690 left and drove off a cliff. And the thing is, 0:14:49.770 --> 0:14:53.650 is that I was fine with it. I wasn't worried. 0:14:53.730 --> 0:14:55.360 I wasn't like, oh my God, I thought I was 0:14:55.380 --> 0:14:56.460 going to get married and now I'm not. 0:14:56.500 --> 0:14:57.220 My life is over. 0:14:58.880 --> 0:15:04.080 That didn't even enter my mind. I was like, opportunity, 0:15:04.100 --> 0:15:10.340 new life, new chapter, new plot, like great. I was 0:15:10.400 --> 0:15:14.140 fine with it. But I noticed that it made everyone 0:15:14.160 --> 0:15:19.530 else around me really uncomfortable. When you're 25 and you 0:15:19.550 --> 0:15:22.650 get out of a relationship or you're single, it's fine. 0:15:23.110 --> 0:15:25.250 You feel young. You know how much time is ahead 0:15:25.290 --> 0:15:28.390 of you. You are like just passing a quarter of 0:15:28.430 --> 0:15:29.190 your life. 0:15:30.130 --> 0:15:30.430 Hopefully. 0:15:31.830 --> 0:15:34.130 And you hardly have any friends that are getting married 0:15:34.270 --> 0:15:37.210 or having kids. And if they are, they're like fucking 0:15:37.970 --> 0:15:42.640 child brides. But something about getting to your 30s It 0:15:42.720 --> 0:15:47.080 is like every single event or holiday you attend feels 0:15:47.200 --> 0:15:51.940 like census data collection. And every time you go on Instagram, 0:15:54.420 --> 0:16:01.060 everything you see is baby, bought a house, got married, whatever, 0:16:01.120 --> 0:16:03.520 second marriage, having your second kid, third kid. 0:16:03.840 --> 0:16:05.479 I have friends right now that are on their third kid. 0:16:06.140 --> 0:16:10.880 And as a 32-year-old single woman, it is almost impossible 0:16:10.900 --> 0:16:14.980 to to not ask myself, am I actually choosing this 0:16:15.800 --> 0:16:19.960 or is nobody choosing me? Being capable of being alone 0:16:20.220 --> 0:16:23.060 does not mean that you don't want a partner. You 0:16:23.080 --> 0:16:28.620 can desperately want a relationship without desperately accepting whoever offers 0:16:28.660 --> 0:16:33.370 it first. The expectations feel like they have just become insurmountable. 0:16:33.810 --> 0:16:35.630 I talk about this all the time. I am good 0:16:35.690 --> 0:16:39.230 being alone. I'm fine being alone. It doesn't mean that 0:16:39.270 --> 0:16:41.950 I don't want partner. It doesn't mean that I don't 0:16:41.990 --> 0:16:45.310 want marriage. It doesn't mean any of those things. It 0:16:45.350 --> 0:16:51.010 just means that I value my independence and I value 0:16:51.050 --> 0:16:54.740 building a life for myself. But it's created this problem 0:16:55.560 --> 0:16:57.860 or society would like to say that it's created this 0:16:57.900 --> 0:17:03.920 problem because women evolved faster than dating culture, than the 0:17:04.600 --> 0:17:09.000 standards and norms set by society. It's like we all 0:17:09.520 --> 0:17:11.900 woke up one day and we were like, fuck this. 0:17:13.700 --> 0:17:19.410 Women entered the workforce. We became breadwinners. We became bosses, homeowners. 0:17:20.330 --> 0:17:24.070 We learned how to support ourselves. And this is why 0:17:24.090 --> 0:17:29.130 the bare minimum has become unacceptable. Providing is not enough 0:17:29.190 --> 0:17:32.730 anymore because she can provide for herself. Having an apartment 0:17:33.010 --> 0:17:33.889 is not enough anymore. 0:17:34.350 --> 0:17:36.590 She has one. Having money isn't enough. 0:17:36.810 --> 0:17:40.460 She has money. Taking her somewhere nice isn't necessarily impressive. 0:17:41.200 --> 0:17:43.580 She's been there before. So what's left? 0:17:45.060 --> 0:17:45.520 Character. 0:17:46.030 --> 0:17:47.200 Because I don't need you to give me a life. 0:17:48.030 --> 0:17:50.570 I need you to be someone that is worth sharing mine. 0:17:51.270 --> 0:17:53.470 And this is going to piss every single man off 0:17:53.510 --> 0:17:55.890 in the comment section. I can already feel it. But 0:17:56.550 --> 0:17:59.930 women today are not asking, what can you provide for me? 0:18:00.530 --> 0:18:03.670 We are asking, what can you provide that I can't 0:18:03.780 --> 0:18:07.860 already provide for myself? And the answer is, is just 0:18:07.890 --> 0:18:09.080 in an emotional partnership. 0:18:09.640 --> 0:18:10.459 And I'd be lying if I. 0:18:10.440 --> 0:18:14.520 Said that I didn't grapple with this. And, you know, 0:18:14.540 --> 0:18:18.179 like I said before, this, am I choosing this or 0:18:18.240 --> 0:18:21.419 is nobody choosing me? I have wondered if my standards 0:18:21.460 --> 0:18:25.280 are too high. I have thought, am I asking for 0:18:25.320 --> 0:18:29.460 too much? And if I wasn't asking for so much, 0:18:30.420 --> 0:18:33.880 would I be married, whatever, by now? But it's like, 0:18:35.369 --> 0:18:38.050 I hate that fucking question. I don't agree with any 0:18:38.070 --> 0:18:40.070 of that. I think every fiber in my being is like, 0:18:40.910 --> 0:18:45.939 absolutely fucking not. Because we can provide for ourselves, because 0:18:45.980 --> 0:18:48.939 we could do all of these things, we deserve to 0:18:49.080 --> 0:18:57.260 ask for someone to meet us there. If not, surpass it. Emotionally, financially, mentally, 0:18:57.540 --> 0:19:00.940 all the things. And physically, be as hot as me. 0:19:02.540 --> 0:19:04.500 It's not asking for too much. And I think as 0:19:04.540 --> 0:19:07.680 long as you are comfortable in this state of being 0:19:07.740 --> 0:19:11.740 independent and single at a later stage in your life, 0:19:12.500 --> 0:19:16.760 then why settle? We are allowed to have standards. And 0:19:16.800 --> 0:19:21.440 standards are not the same thing as perfectionism. Financial independence 0:19:21.700 --> 0:19:25.540 gives us the privilege of choice. But that does come 0:19:25.600 --> 0:19:30.280 with its own trap because once you don't need anyone, 0:19:31.100 --> 0:19:34.880 you start convincing yourself that anyone who even slightly inconveniences 0:19:34.920 --> 0:19:37.619 you is not right for you. But the truth is, 0:19:38.440 --> 0:19:45.430 relationships are inconvenient. Compromise is inconvenient. Intimacy is inconvenient. Nothing 0:19:45.470 --> 0:19:47.170 worth having is convenient. 0:19:47.869 --> 0:19:49.470 So there is a difference between. 0:19:49.869 --> 0:19:53.129 refusing to settle and refusing to tolerate a human being 0:19:53.630 --> 0:19:57.190 just being a human being. So like, yes, have high standards. 0:19:57.230 --> 0:19:58.770 But you know, I mean, this is a whole different 0:19:58.810 --> 0:20:00.090 episode and whole different topic. 0:20:00.130 --> 0:20:01.970 But like, we need to. 0:20:03.590 --> 0:20:05.790 Give and take somewhere. We all have flaws, you know, whatever. 0:20:06.550 --> 0:20:10.470 But I think The challenge we all face as single 0:20:10.510 --> 0:20:12.310 women who are. 0:20:13.910 --> 0:20:14.369 More mature. 0:20:15.270 --> 0:20:16.510 Again, I don't want to put an age on them 0:20:16.530 --> 0:20:17.869 because I don't want to say older. And it's like, 0:20:18.130 --> 0:20:19.449 you can also be single in your 40s and your 0:20:19.730 --> 0:20:23.609 50s and your 60s or your 30s. It's more just 0:20:24.490 --> 0:20:27.129 single when maybe we didn't think we were going to 0:20:27.150 --> 0:20:30.850 be single or single when all of our friends aren't single. 0:20:31.570 --> 0:20:34.750 The challenge we are faced with is how do we 0:20:34.810 --> 0:20:38.300 explain this to people who don't get it? How do 0:20:38.340 --> 0:20:41.530 we explain it to our parents? How do we explain 0:20:41.550 --> 0:20:43.129 it to people who aren't in the same position that 0:20:43.150 --> 0:20:45.810 we are in? And my answer is that you don't. 0:20:46.330 --> 0:20:49.350 You don't need to explain it to anyone and you shouldn't. Instead, 0:20:49.690 --> 0:20:53.149 when it comes to our parents and older generations, I 0:20:53.170 --> 0:20:56.830 think it's more about having empathy for people who never 0:20:56.869 --> 0:21:00.990 had the privilege to choose themselves over choosing a lifetime 0:21:01.030 --> 0:21:03.380 with someone who could only support them in one way. 0:21:03.820 --> 0:21:07.420 That's got to be really shitty. I think a lot 0:21:07.990 --> 0:21:10.730 of people in the older generations. 0:21:12.330 --> 0:21:13.210 Or even just. 0:21:14.550 --> 0:21:16.670 People who are already married and are older, because I 0:21:17.210 --> 0:21:19.720 think this also is applicable to, you know, women in 0:21:19.740 --> 0:21:24.040 their forties, fifties, who are not millennials. Maybe they're gen X, 0:21:25.020 --> 0:21:28.300 maybe they're boomers who are single, but they held out 0:21:28.460 --> 0:21:31.679 long enough to live in a time where they could 0:21:31.720 --> 0:21:34.600 choose themselves and not choose a man for financial security. 0:21:35.260 --> 0:21:38.920 And their peers, the people who maybe 30 years prior 0:21:39.300 --> 0:21:42.660 chose a partner because of financial stability, they didn't have 0:21:42.680 --> 0:21:46.649 that opportunity. So they don't get it. But what 2026 0:21:46.650 --> 0:21:53.230 has offered us is financial freedom, is more independence, even 0:21:53.250 --> 0:21:56.150 the opportunity to freeze our eggs and to have kids later, 0:21:56.190 --> 0:21:59.889 like science has gotten better. And people who are not 0:22:00.750 --> 0:22:05.330 adults and single in this exact time period just don't 0:22:05.450 --> 0:22:05.730 get it. 0:22:07.090 --> 0:22:07.770 They can't relate. 0:22:08.470 --> 0:22:11.709 And maybe this is the uncomfortable part of women's independence 0:22:11.770 --> 0:22:15.469 that nobody talks about. When you remove necessity from marriage, 0:22:16.320 --> 0:22:20.780 all you are left with is desire. And desire is selective. 0:22:21.440 --> 0:22:26.680 If I don't need you financially, socially, or logistically, I 0:22:27.880 --> 0:22:31.479 am able to ask the most dangerous question of them all. 0:22:32.240 --> 0:22:36.629 Do I actually want you? Not your salary, not the wedding, 0:22:36.690 --> 0:22:40.429 not the Instagram posts, not the validation of being chosen. 0:22:41.190 --> 0:22:43.950 Do I want you? And maybe that's why we're getting 0:22:43.970 --> 0:22:49.050 married later. Because for the first time, he'll do doesn't 0:22:49.330 --> 0:22:53.540 actually have to do. Before coming in for today's episode, 0:22:53.940 --> 0:22:56.940 I posted on my Instagram story that I wanted to 0:22:56.980 --> 0:22:59.540 hear from my single ladies because as much as I 0:22:59.580 --> 0:23:04.040 can say this and speak from my experience, it's not 0:23:04.060 --> 0:23:07.899 a unique experience. And I know that we all are 0:23:07.960 --> 0:23:15.830 faced with this burden, this unwarranted burden. And I had 0:23:15.850 --> 0:23:17.210 a bunch of you write in and I want to 0:23:17.270 --> 0:23:21.110 read your messages because I think it's really important just 0:23:21.150 --> 0:23:24.990 to hear other women's perspectives for us to understand that 0:23:25.010 --> 0:23:27.370 we are not alone feeling the way that we do. 0:23:28.070 --> 0:23:31.460 So the question I asked was, DM me about how 0:23:31.520 --> 0:23:35.160 you feel about society's expectations of us getting married, having kids, etc. 0:23:35.460 --> 0:23:37.830 What are your thoughts? How do you feel about being single? 0:23:38.330 --> 0:23:40.510 And why do you think there's been a shift? I 0:23:40.550 --> 0:23:41.570 am reading these. 0:23:44.430 --> 0:23:45.030 First time. 0:23:45.570 --> 0:23:48.639 I did not look at these ahead of time. So 0:23:48.760 --> 0:23:51.680 I'm going to keep these anonymous. But here's a very 0:23:51.720 --> 0:23:53.440 long one that I received from someone. 0:23:54.300 --> 0:23:54.859 But here we go. 0:23:55.510 --> 0:23:57.929 I have so many thoughts on this because I'm 38, single, 0:23:57.990 --> 0:24:01.130 and genuinely think I'm at the most peaceful and fulfilled 0:24:01.230 --> 0:24:02.710 point I've ever been in my life. 0:24:03.170 --> 0:24:04.590 I definitely still hear the questions. 0:24:05.190 --> 0:24:07.169 Why aren't you married? Do you want kids? Aren't you 0:24:07.190 --> 0:24:09.750 worried about getting older? Do you feel like you're running 0:24:09.770 --> 0:24:13.429 out of time? And I really don't. If anything, I'm 0:24:13.470 --> 0:24:16.590 proud of myself for not allowing an arbitrary timeline to 0:24:16.670 --> 0:24:18.989 convince me to settle for a life or relationship that 0:24:19.030 --> 0:24:20.280 doesn't actually make me happy. 0:24:22.260 --> 0:24:22.800 I'm gonna cry. 0:24:24.550 --> 0:24:26.810 I would absolutely love to have a life partner. I 0:24:26.890 --> 0:24:30.690 love love and I love companionship. There are definitely moments 0:24:30.710 --> 0:24:33.950 when I miss having my person around, but I've worked 0:24:34.010 --> 0:24:36.320 really hard to build a life that I genuinely love 0:24:37.060 --> 0:24:40.359 and more importantly, a life that feels peaceful. The person 0:24:40.400 --> 0:24:42.300