1 00:00:01,320 --> 00:00:04,680 Speaker 1: I am Yamla, your host for this journey. I was 2 00:00:04,760 --> 00:00:09,440 Speaker 1: a hopeless loveaholic but just could not get my love 3 00:00:09,560 --> 00:00:14,840 Speaker 1: to work. Then, after a series of heartbreaks and deep heartache, 4 00:00:15,400 --> 00:00:19,360 Speaker 1: I finally got clear about what love is and what 5 00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:22,279 Speaker 1: it is not. I want to share some of what 6 00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:27,240 Speaker 1: I've learned about lover holism. Welcome to the R Spot, 7 00:00:27,520 --> 00:00:44,000 Speaker 1: a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Welcome, Welcome, Welcome, 8 00:00:44,040 --> 00:00:47,600 Speaker 1: Welcome to the R Spot. I am Yamla, your facilitator, 9 00:00:47,680 --> 00:00:51,320 Speaker 1: your guide, your coach, your partner on this journey to 10 00:00:51,479 --> 00:00:55,400 Speaker 1: making relationships better. If you were with us last week, 11 00:00:55,520 --> 00:00:58,760 Speaker 1: you know that myself and my guest coach Ken Canyon 12 00:00:59,040 --> 00:01:01,920 Speaker 1: were talking about what a good man wants and we 13 00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:04,759 Speaker 1: got some good, good, good insight. I got so much 14 00:01:04,800 --> 00:01:07,560 Speaker 1: to ask him today. I'm not gonna review it, go 15 00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:10,640 Speaker 1: back and listen to last weeks because we're gonna pick 16 00:01:10,720 --> 00:01:13,839 Speaker 1: up from right there. What is it that a good 17 00:01:13,920 --> 00:01:17,240 Speaker 1: man wants? And I've got some questions for you. Coach Ken. 18 00:01:17,440 --> 00:01:21,119 Speaker 1: Thank you for being here with us today, and thank 19 00:01:21,160 --> 00:01:26,560 Speaker 1: you for your relationship academy and the Kenyon methodology and 20 00:01:26,640 --> 00:01:30,280 Speaker 1: all of the things that you're using to make relationships better. 21 00:01:30,280 --> 00:01:33,760 Speaker 1: I want to start here today, and why are relationships 22 00:01:33,800 --> 00:01:34,839 Speaker 1: so damn hard? 23 00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:40,120 Speaker 2: So I have a quote that I say, relationships wouldn't 24 00:01:40,160 --> 00:01:42,160 Speaker 2: be so hard if we didn't expect them to be 25 00:01:42,240 --> 00:01:46,000 Speaker 2: so easy. I want to ask you a question. You've 26 00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:48,320 Speaker 2: been trained to do what you do and you're master 27 00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:51,880 Speaker 2: at it. When people have a job, they get trained, 28 00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:55,680 Speaker 2: they get coached on how to do their job right. 29 00:01:57,000 --> 00:02:00,840 Speaker 2: But why is it that relationships are the only think 30 00:02:01,520 --> 00:02:04,480 Speaker 2: that we get no training, we'll get no coaching, we'll 31 00:02:04,480 --> 00:02:08,079 Speaker 2: get nothing, no mentoring or anything. But we just expect 32 00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:11,560 Speaker 2: it to work because we feel a certain way now. 33 00:02:11,639 --> 00:02:13,520 Speaker 2: And nobody could come to the our spot and do 34 00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:16,400 Speaker 2: what you do because they've been trained, they've been mentor 35 00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:21,079 Speaker 2: they could not do that unless But why is that 36 00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:24,600 Speaker 2: relationships are the only thing Because we feel good, because 37 00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:26,920 Speaker 2: we feel like I'm in love, because we feel a 38 00:02:26,919 --> 00:02:29,680 Speaker 2: certain affinity for the person, it will just work. 39 00:02:30,639 --> 00:02:32,600 Speaker 3: But I've never had the tools. 40 00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:36,600 Speaker 1: I believe relationships of classrooms. And you don't go into 41 00:02:36,639 --> 00:02:39,320 Speaker 1: a classroom to learn what you know. You go in 42 00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:42,640 Speaker 1: the classroom to master what you don't know. So many 43 00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:45,880 Speaker 1: of us don't even know ourselves, and we go into 44 00:02:45,919 --> 00:02:49,480 Speaker 1: the relationship to learn more about ourselves. We don't know 45 00:02:49,520 --> 00:02:53,080 Speaker 1: what love is. We go into a relationship to really 46 00:02:53,160 --> 00:02:59,160 Speaker 1: learn about love. We don't know how to really accept nonjudgmental, positive, 47 00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:05,839 Speaker 1: unconditional regard, because our parenting is conditional, our education is conditional, 48 00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:10,760 Speaker 1: our pure relationships are conditional. So we don't know how 49 00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:16,520 Speaker 1: to really engage in non judgmental positive regard. And the 50 00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:20,200 Speaker 1: relationship is a classroom that we go together, and we 51 00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:22,680 Speaker 1: think that it's got to feel good all the time, 52 00:03:22,919 --> 00:03:25,000 Speaker 1: it's going to be fun all the time, and it's 53 00:03:25,120 --> 00:03:28,240 Speaker 1: not at all. And so I think women, because we 54 00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:32,120 Speaker 1: talked last week about women being done, I think women 55 00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:39,360 Speaker 1: are tired or just done with carrying the emotional weight 56 00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:44,960 Speaker 1: of a relationship. So how does a good man prepare himself? 57 00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:50,360 Speaker 1: How does he get ready to really really carry some 58 00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:51,560 Speaker 1: of that emotional weight. 59 00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:56,040 Speaker 2: But first, let me go back to help the women 60 00:03:56,960 --> 00:04:00,440 Speaker 2: understand why men have the deficit. So nothing happens in 61 00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:03,480 Speaker 2: a vacuum because some of the very women who are 62 00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:07,080 Speaker 2: dealing with the deficit have perpetuated the deficit. 63 00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:11,680 Speaker 3: And I'm gonna tell you how. So I go show you. 64 00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:14,839 Speaker 2: So when a child a male child, especially a man 65 00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:18,880 Speaker 2: of color, when he's six seven years old, between seven 66 00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:22,200 Speaker 2: zero and seven, that's when his subconscious mind is being formed. 67 00:04:23,279 --> 00:04:24,520 Speaker 3: So when the. 68 00:04:24,480 --> 00:04:28,640 Speaker 2: First thing, he gets hurt outside and what do they say, 69 00:04:29,560 --> 00:04:33,680 Speaker 2: shut us, suck it up, suck it up, don't cry down. 70 00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:36,720 Speaker 3: I'm just just saying that, suck it. And so the. 71 00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:41,760 Speaker 2: Boy registers that if I show my emotions, even women 72 00:04:41,920 --> 00:04:45,480 Speaker 2: say it, if I show my emotions, then it's a 73 00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:46,240 Speaker 2: sign of weakness. 74 00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:47,159 Speaker 3: It's not a good thing. 75 00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:51,800 Speaker 2: And so that little boy grows up never being taught 76 00:04:52,080 --> 00:04:53,600 Speaker 2: how to be emotionally intelligent. 77 00:04:54,080 --> 00:04:56,760 Speaker 3: And he's twenty something years old, thirty something years old, 78 00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:57,800 Speaker 3: and he's still. 79 00:04:57,640 --> 00:05:01,880 Speaker 2: Not He still has this condition that if I show 80 00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:05,560 Speaker 2: my emotions it's weakness. Then he becomes thirty and forty 81 00:05:05,600 --> 00:05:08,120 Speaker 2: and get in a relationship and he doesn't know how. 82 00:05:08,240 --> 00:05:11,720 Speaker 3: Nobody has ever told him, ever, ever taught him. So 83 00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:13,360 Speaker 3: let's start there. 84 00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:18,080 Speaker 2: Just understand that a lot of us men, I was 85 00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:20,680 Speaker 2: one of them, weren't taught that. 86 00:05:21,480 --> 00:05:23,640 Speaker 3: So now that can change, all right. 87 00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:28,680 Speaker 2: But the second thing is this is is you're right. 88 00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:30,760 Speaker 3: That's the one conditioning. 89 00:05:30,839 --> 00:05:33,360 Speaker 2: The second conditioning is this, and this is the part 90 00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:36,440 Speaker 2: I tell you when you ask a little boy how 91 00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:37,640 Speaker 2: many girlfriends. 92 00:05:37,240 --> 00:05:39,640 Speaker 3: You got at six or seven, and he be like, 93 00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:43,599 Speaker 3: I got me too. Yeah, man, you the man, well. 94 00:05:43,600 --> 00:05:47,680 Speaker 2: His subconscious mind says, wait a minute, to have more girlfriends, 95 00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:51,000 Speaker 2: to have more women, that is a good thing, all right, 96 00:05:51,640 --> 00:05:51,960 Speaker 2: And so. 97 00:05:52,040 --> 00:05:54,120 Speaker 3: Now he grows up condition. 98 00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:58,039 Speaker 2: Now some women might say, oh, that's bullshit because of that, 99 00:05:58,240 --> 00:06:00,680 Speaker 2: But I'm just talking about why do you think therapists 100 00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:03,040 Speaker 2: go back to your childhood? Are yelling you done went 101 00:06:03,080 --> 00:06:05,680 Speaker 2: back to Well, tell me about your childhood. Let's talk 102 00:06:05,680 --> 00:06:09,160 Speaker 2: about that. Well, because you know that that conditioning of 103 00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:14,839 Speaker 2: the subconscious mind, it's big. That's our proved computer program. 104 00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:20,159 Speaker 2: Now that being said, the most important thing that a 105 00:06:20,279 --> 00:06:23,359 Speaker 2: woman can do with a man who is even in 106 00:06:23,440 --> 00:06:24,280 Speaker 2: condition trauma. 107 00:06:24,320 --> 00:06:26,600 Speaker 3: All of us have, god some trauma toxicity. 108 00:06:26,839 --> 00:06:30,240 Speaker 2: All of that is, we've got a get across that 109 00:06:30,560 --> 00:06:33,680 Speaker 2: this man has to say. You know what, I acknowledge. 110 00:06:34,240 --> 00:06:38,000 Speaker 2: I am conscious that I need help. I am conscious 111 00:06:38,040 --> 00:06:40,880 Speaker 2: that I am not only conscious that I need help. 112 00:06:41,080 --> 00:06:43,520 Speaker 3: I do remember the willingness I talked about last week. 113 00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:48,240 Speaker 2: I am willing to change to get the help to 114 00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:52,320 Speaker 2: understand who I am so I can become better and 115 00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:54,440 Speaker 2: with a woman the way she talks to a man. 116 00:06:55,120 --> 00:06:56,359 Speaker 3: Because I've remember that. 117 00:06:56,440 --> 00:06:58,159 Speaker 2: We go back to what we talked about last week, 118 00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:01,600 Speaker 2: her communicating that I think you need to be better. 119 00:07:01,640 --> 00:07:05,920 Speaker 2: I think this will help you be better in our communication. 120 00:07:06,520 --> 00:07:09,440 Speaker 2: And so starting from that point of view, because if 121 00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:12,400 Speaker 2: you tell somebody you know your ass don't talk, you 122 00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:13,840 Speaker 2: know you'll never communicate. 123 00:07:14,160 --> 00:07:15,920 Speaker 3: You know, I don't know what to say. I'm tired 124 00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:20,920 Speaker 3: of it. You know what that does? You know, I'm 125 00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:21,440 Speaker 3: telling it you. 126 00:07:22,040 --> 00:07:24,920 Speaker 2: Whenever somebody feels attacked, what do they do is attack back? 127 00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:29,840 Speaker 1: Two points you made here. They asked a little boy, 128 00:07:31,240 --> 00:07:34,680 Speaker 1: how many girlfriends you got? Too good for you? Is 129 00:07:34,760 --> 00:07:40,520 Speaker 1: it true that a good man can be in love 130 00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:42,920 Speaker 1: with more than one woman at the same time. 131 00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:47,000 Speaker 3: I'm gonna kick it to you. Real. A man. 132 00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:54,880 Speaker 2: Can love two women, but he cannot love them the same. Now, 133 00:07:54,920 --> 00:07:57,520 Speaker 2: listen to what I'm about the same. He will always 134 00:07:57,600 --> 00:07:59,720 Speaker 2: love one more than the other, and he will be 135 00:07:59,720 --> 00:08:01,320 Speaker 2: in love. I was one more than that. He cannot 136 00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:06,240 Speaker 2: lead will. I found this out years ago, years ago, 137 00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:09,520 Speaker 2: when I was in college. My ex roommate we'd be 138 00:08:09,560 --> 00:08:12,640 Speaker 2: still friends today because I had a girl back home. 139 00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:16,440 Speaker 2: I went to school to HBCU, and I met a 140 00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:19,760 Speaker 2: girl up at the HBCU, and I was like, oh God. 141 00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:22,920 Speaker 2: And I felt a sense of obligation from a girl 142 00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:24,360 Speaker 2: at home because she had been with me, we had 143 00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:25,000 Speaker 2: been to dinner. 144 00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:28,440 Speaker 3: I asked him this question. I asked him this question, 145 00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:29,360 Speaker 3: can you love two women? 146 00:08:29,480 --> 00:08:33,280 Speaker 2: And he answered the question that way that I just answered, well, 147 00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:35,760 Speaker 2: I didn't believe him. At the time, I didn't believe it. 148 00:08:36,160 --> 00:08:39,200 Speaker 2: So I started doing my own research. I started, you know, 149 00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:42,920 Speaker 2: as a coach in writing all these books. And what 150 00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:47,320 Speaker 2: I realized is I realized this when it comes to 151 00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:52,320 Speaker 2: emotional connection, When it comes to emotional connection, the way 152 00:08:52,920 --> 00:08:54,280 Speaker 2: the brain works and all of that. 153 00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:56,800 Speaker 3: I want to get too deep into all of that, 154 00:08:57,240 --> 00:08:57,559 Speaker 3: but I. 155 00:08:57,559 --> 00:09:01,720 Speaker 2: Realized something that yes, he can have an affinity for 156 00:09:01,840 --> 00:09:05,080 Speaker 2: two women, but he will never love them the same 157 00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:09,800 Speaker 2: that there is one woman that is going to get 158 00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:12,160 Speaker 2: his heart, that is going to have a deeper connection. 159 00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:14,080 Speaker 3: That's just it. 160 00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:16,280 Speaker 2: And some people try to Some people say, well, I 161 00:09:16,320 --> 00:09:18,760 Speaker 2: love both of them, now you Even on the show 162 00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:21,559 Speaker 2: that I'm on, one dude said I want both of um. No, 163 00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:24,800 Speaker 2: I said, you desire both of them, but you don't 164 00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:26,760 Speaker 2: love both of them. Say he was like, yeah, you're right, 165 00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:29,079 Speaker 2: I love this one more, but I still want the 166 00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:31,960 Speaker 2: other one too because the other one provides a need 167 00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:34,559 Speaker 2: for me. So that's where we go with that. In 168 00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:38,920 Speaker 2: your that the reason why they want two or three 169 00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:43,600 Speaker 2: is because each one of them provides the need that 170 00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:47,839 Speaker 2: I perceived need that I have in my life, and 171 00:09:47,880 --> 00:09:48,840 Speaker 2: I weigh that need. 172 00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:53,319 Speaker 1: Isn't it his responsibility to get his needs met. Let 173 00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:55,720 Speaker 1: me give you a straight up example. I work with 174 00:09:56,000 --> 00:10:00,400 Speaker 1: a couple and he there was a section you will 175 00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:04,800 Speaker 1: need that he had and she was not willing to fulfill. 176 00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:08,560 Speaker 1: She said, I ain't doing that. You know. They we 177 00:10:08,760 --> 00:10:12,120 Speaker 1: worked through it. We were and she understood why he 178 00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:17,199 Speaker 1: tried to coerce her, cajole her everything, and she said, 179 00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:20,280 Speaker 1: I can't do it, and if it's going to cost 180 00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:23,640 Speaker 1: us our marriage is just going to cost us our marriage, 181 00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:27,199 Speaker 1: I don't want to do it. I ain't doing it. 182 00:10:27,679 --> 00:10:30,400 Speaker 1: They were a really good couple. I don't know where 183 00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:32,320 Speaker 1: this need came from. I don't know if he ate 184 00:10:32,400 --> 00:10:37,480 Speaker 1: something or whatever. He just had, so, you know, they 185 00:10:37,679 --> 00:10:40,880 Speaker 1: went on about their business about maybe a year and 186 00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:43,960 Speaker 1: a half. Two years later, she called me and she 187 00:10:44,280 --> 00:10:48,000 Speaker 1: was in this total breakdown because she discovered that he 188 00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:54,079 Speaker 1: was cheating. He was cheating, and when she confronted him, 189 00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:59,560 Speaker 1: he told her, yeah, because you just refused to do 190 00:10:59,640 --> 00:11:02,080 Speaker 1: this and I needed it and I wanted it, and 191 00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:05,160 Speaker 1: she's willing to do it and you're not. Well. She 192 00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:12,120 Speaker 1: was devastated. She was devastated, and it was perplexing for 193 00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:15,640 Speaker 1: me at first, you know. And I eventually told her, 194 00:11:15,679 --> 00:11:18,960 Speaker 1: you're gonna have to make a choice. Either you're gonna 195 00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:21,040 Speaker 1: have to be okay with the fact that he has 196 00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:23,600 Speaker 1: this need that you're not willing to meet and she 197 00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:26,920 Speaker 1: meets it, or if you don't want to be in 198 00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:29,480 Speaker 1: a relationship with a man who has another woman, you're 199 00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:33,200 Speaker 1: going to have to sacrifice the relationship. There's no other choice. 200 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:35,480 Speaker 1: Stay here and be. He's not going to stop that 201 00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:39,880 Speaker 1: because she's fulfilling the need for him, and I believe 202 00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:45,360 Speaker 1: that was his responsibility to get that need filled. Either 203 00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:48,480 Speaker 1: lay it down or get it filled. And he was like, 204 00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:50,920 Speaker 1: I don't know why, I just want it. It makes 205 00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:52,280 Speaker 1: me feel good and bood about. 206 00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:58,199 Speaker 2: So I heard it the Yalla Vinzentne say something one 207 00:11:58,280 --> 00:12:05,280 Speaker 2: time about someone I can't be with, someone who can't 208 00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:08,840 Speaker 2: love me the way I need to be loved, and 209 00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:13,640 Speaker 2: she said, if the person cannot love me the way 210 00:12:13,679 --> 00:12:16,840 Speaker 2: that I need to be loved, I cannot be in 211 00:12:16,880 --> 00:12:22,440 Speaker 2: this relationship. So the dilemma is you want the relationship, 212 00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:28,240 Speaker 2: You're weighing the relationship versus this need. That So when 213 00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:30,240 Speaker 2: it gets to the point where you have to weigh 214 00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:33,480 Speaker 2: the relationship whether I'm willing to give up this for 215 00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:39,000 Speaker 2: this need, then you're already at a point where if 216 00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:43,960 Speaker 2: you're weighing those two things, then that need must be powerful. 217 00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:47,000 Speaker 3: Okay, now here's what I say. 218 00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:51,800 Speaker 2: I say, Look, if that need is your deal breaker, 219 00:12:51,880 --> 00:12:53,679 Speaker 2: is something that you have to have, then have it. 220 00:12:54,280 --> 00:12:56,800 Speaker 2: Then you got to do it. You must do it. 221 00:12:57,400 --> 00:13:01,079 Speaker 2: But you must but you are You're responsible for fulfilling 222 00:13:01,120 --> 00:13:04,960 Speaker 2: that need. But you're also responsible for telling the other 223 00:13:05,080 --> 00:13:08,719 Speaker 2: person that I have to fulfill that need. See where 224 00:13:08,360 --> 00:13:12,760 Speaker 2: he wasn't wrong in his need, that's his need. Here's 225 00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:15,840 Speaker 2: where he went wrong. Way went wrong is he never 226 00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:18,280 Speaker 2: said I have to have this need. I have to 227 00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:20,120 Speaker 2: communicate this in a way. 228 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:23,640 Speaker 1: He did say that. He said, I'm going to work 229 00:13:23,679 --> 00:13:27,120 Speaker 1: with myself, but this is something I want. 230 00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:30,280 Speaker 2: That's what I mean in communication. That's what I was 231 00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:32,480 Speaker 2: talking about. I'm sorry. I was talking about the need. 232 00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:35,800 Speaker 2: I'm talking about communicating about the outside relationship. He should 233 00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:40,959 Speaker 2: have communicated and said, if I cannot have this, then 234 00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:43,400 Speaker 2: I've got to find a way to get it, or 235 00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:45,240 Speaker 2: this can't happen this way. 236 00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:46,560 Speaker 3: He's got to communicate that. 237 00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:48,720 Speaker 2: That's way he went wrong, not because the need, but 238 00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:51,480 Speaker 2: because he didn't He wasn't honest enough to tell her 239 00:13:52,280 --> 00:13:54,240 Speaker 2: because he you know why, because then he didn't have 240 00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:56,280 Speaker 2: to make a choice about the relationship with the need. 241 00:13:56,600 --> 00:13:57,920 Speaker 3: He didn't have to make a choice. 242 00:13:58,559 --> 00:14:03,000 Speaker 1: Really, it was really sad, but the lessons were more 243 00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:06,679 Speaker 1: powerful for her to take a firm stand in her no. 244 00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:11,360 Speaker 1: And in the end he was like, he said, I 245 00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:15,000 Speaker 1: don't know what that was. I don't know why I 246 00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:17,600 Speaker 1: was willing to leave my baby for that. He's I 247 00:14:17,679 --> 00:14:19,600 Speaker 1: just don't even know. But when he got over there 248 00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:22,760 Speaker 1: with the thing that was fulfilling the need and he 249 00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:26,080 Speaker 1: saw what it was, he didn't want it. But anyway, 250 00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:29,400 Speaker 1: let me ask you this question. In that situation, it 251 00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:34,080 Speaker 1: came up too as a good man, can you have 252 00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:37,920 Speaker 1: an expectation of a woman of your partner that you 253 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:39,200 Speaker 1: don't hold yourself to. 254 00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:44,120 Speaker 2: People do it all the time. Is it right to 255 00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:49,000 Speaker 2: do no? People hold himself a good man? Yeah, he 256 00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:51,800 Speaker 2: would do that too. I say, good man, do that, 257 00:14:52,440 --> 00:14:55,200 Speaker 2: and I've coached good man who did that. And then 258 00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:58,200 Speaker 2: I would say, wait a minute, hold up, now, let 259 00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:03,120 Speaker 2: me get this straight. And when I say that, they 260 00:15:03,120 --> 00:15:05,440 Speaker 2: look at me like I said, so, let me get 261 00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:10,520 Speaker 2: this straight. You want her to do blank, but you 262 00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:14,480 Speaker 2: are unwilling to do blank. Now I want you and 263 00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:17,280 Speaker 2: I and I just sit back and get quiet, and 264 00:15:17,320 --> 00:15:20,240 Speaker 2: you know what happens. I said, now, I want you 265 00:15:20,280 --> 00:15:26,800 Speaker 2: to explain to me how that's equitable. And they can't, 266 00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:28,720 Speaker 2: and LI said, I just want it. I said, well, 267 00:15:29,320 --> 00:15:32,800 Speaker 2: that's the same thing. If she wants something, but she's 268 00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:36,320 Speaker 2: willing she she wants to hold you to a higher standard, 269 00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:39,520 Speaker 2: and she's willing to hold herself to that is not right. 270 00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:42,800 Speaker 2: You can't hold her to a higher standard than you're 271 00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:46,720 Speaker 2: willing to hold yourself too. It's kind of like, I'll 272 00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:49,560 Speaker 2: give you a prime example. I have certain quirks about 273 00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:53,680 Speaker 2: when I travel. Right, So when I travel, I don't 274 00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:56,840 Speaker 2: like to come home and the house is a spotless 275 00:15:57,120 --> 00:16:00,680 Speaker 2: I just got this quirk. It's like a thing with chaos. 276 00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:03,920 Speaker 2: I just don't like it. So here's what it is. 277 00:16:04,280 --> 00:16:07,480 Speaker 2: So when my wife travels, I make sure when she 278 00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:10,080 Speaker 2: come home the house is spotless. 279 00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:11,760 Speaker 3: What am I doing? 280 00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:15,400 Speaker 2: I'm simply I'm not gonna hold myself. I'm not gonna 281 00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:17,880 Speaker 2: hold her to a higher standard that I hold myself. 282 00:16:18,120 --> 00:16:21,640 Speaker 2: And so now in our marriage, when I go travel, 283 00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:25,160 Speaker 2: when I come home, I don't care what's going on 284 00:16:25,280 --> 00:16:29,720 Speaker 2: the house, just just because that is something that I said. 285 00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:32,560 Speaker 2: I want to show you this is what I want, 286 00:16:32,720 --> 00:16:34,120 Speaker 2: but I gotta be willing to do it too. 287 00:16:35,920 --> 00:16:44,280 Speaker 1: We'll talk about that right after this break. Welcome back 288 00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:47,120 Speaker 1: to the R Spot. Let's get back to the conversation. 289 00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:52,400 Speaker 1: We are talking about what a good man wants. My 290 00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:56,120 Speaker 1: guest has been with me two weeks, many hours, Coach 291 00:16:56,280 --> 00:17:00,560 Speaker 1: Ken Canyon what you spoke about last week, that he's 292 00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:03,840 Speaker 1: willing to do it first, he's willing to demonstrate how 293 00:17:03,840 --> 00:17:06,680 Speaker 1: to do what it is that he wants. I want 294 00:17:06,720 --> 00:17:08,680 Speaker 1: to I want to ask this question. Then I'm gonna 295 00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:12,480 Speaker 1: my theory to you. One of the theories. And my 296 00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:16,760 Speaker 1: assistant Zakiah wrote a book called What's Real, What's Not? 297 00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:20,400 Speaker 1: In some place in Between, and in that book she 298 00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:28,760 Speaker 1: says that, uh, a man wants to give you his heart, 299 00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:31,240 Speaker 1: but he has to know he's safe to do so. 300 00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:36,399 Speaker 1: I mean I believe that too. How does a woman 301 00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:41,560 Speaker 1: make a good man feel safe? What? What? 302 00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:41,720 Speaker 4: What? 303 00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:44,360 Speaker 1: What is a man's concept of safety? 304 00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:49,040 Speaker 2: Okay, well I'm glad you asked that question. All right, 305 00:17:49,560 --> 00:17:54,479 Speaker 2: So the first thing for a man to feel safe, 306 00:17:54,800 --> 00:17:57,800 Speaker 2: I'm gonna start with. But I always say, let's plant 307 00:17:57,800 --> 00:18:01,160 Speaker 2: the seed of safety. You tell him I want to 308 00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:04,280 Speaker 2: create a safe environment for you. Notice what I just said. 309 00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:08,200 Speaker 2: I just planted a see into his subconscious mind. Right, 310 00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:13,040 Speaker 2: that's the first thing. The second thing is this is then, 311 00:18:13,359 --> 00:18:16,760 Speaker 2: is that you demonstrate what safety looks like. Communication safety. 312 00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:19,720 Speaker 2: I'm going to start it first. I want to start 313 00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:23,359 Speaker 2: there because a lot of people listen for a safe place. 314 00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:26,280 Speaker 2: Then show me what it looks like. Tell me something 315 00:18:26,280 --> 00:18:28,040 Speaker 2: because I always tell people if you want to want 316 00:18:28,080 --> 00:18:30,520 Speaker 2: him to share something with you of importance, and it 317 00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:34,000 Speaker 2: hard to share something that you feel important that's important. 318 00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:36,480 Speaker 3: For you, show him what it looks like. The third 319 00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:38,160 Speaker 3: way to create a safe place. 320 00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:47,399 Speaker 2: Huge never ever ever reaponize is something he tells you. 321 00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:50,560 Speaker 2: You can if you tell if he tells you something 322 00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:54,560 Speaker 2: and you bring that shit up at any point to 323 00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:58,680 Speaker 2: see that's why you did such as such, he will 324 00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:03,679 Speaker 2: never ever ever tell you anything again. A lot of 325 00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:08,120 Speaker 2: times when we feel attacked, we just want to hurt 326 00:19:08,119 --> 00:19:11,000 Speaker 2: the other person who want to hurt it. So what 327 00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:13,639 Speaker 2: better way to hurt them is to bring up something 328 00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:16,160 Speaker 2: that you know hurt them. 329 00:19:17,160 --> 00:19:18,480 Speaker 3: But the problem. 330 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:21,840 Speaker 2: Is is you create an environment that will make him 331 00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:24,639 Speaker 2: shut down. He will never trust you as a safe 332 00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:29,879 Speaker 2: place ever again. And so that's that's how you create 333 00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:30,600 Speaker 2: a safe place. 334 00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:38,600 Speaker 1: I think sometimes we miss cutes because other things aren't there. 335 00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:43,400 Speaker 1: We're into the transaction. How does a woman know that 336 00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:45,560 Speaker 1: she has a good man? How does she know that? 337 00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:47,760 Speaker 3: So I want to. 338 00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:52,439 Speaker 2: Start that conversation by saying this, if you don't know 339 00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:55,000 Speaker 2: what something looks like, you won't know it when you 340 00:19:55,040 --> 00:19:59,359 Speaker 2: see it. And so a lot of them may not 341 00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:01,400 Speaker 2: know that that they have a good man because they've 342 00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:05,639 Speaker 2: never seen They've only seen dysfunction, they've only seen toxicity, 343 00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:12,200 Speaker 2: they've only seen an example of what isn't a good man. Okay, 344 00:20:12,720 --> 00:20:18,320 Speaker 2: So starting from that perspective, here's how you start the process. 345 00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:20,520 Speaker 3: Go back to my definition. 346 00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:24,880 Speaker 2: I may not know what something looks like, but I 347 00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:28,400 Speaker 2: know a good man wants to be better. A good 348 00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:31,240 Speaker 2: man wants to be better than he is now? 349 00:20:31,359 --> 00:20:35,399 Speaker 3: Is he ambitious? Does he want to be better? Is he? 350 00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:37,480 Speaker 2: And I'm not talking about a person ambitious. I don't 351 00:20:37,480 --> 00:20:40,000 Speaker 2: necessarily mean a person who wants a new job. He 352 00:20:40,119 --> 00:20:43,119 Speaker 2: could go back to school. But he wants you, guys, 353 00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:46,000 Speaker 2: to be better. He wants the relationship to be better. 354 00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:49,080 Speaker 2: He wants you to be better in communication. He wants 355 00:20:49,119 --> 00:20:53,440 Speaker 2: to do and so that's where we start, okay, because 356 00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:55,760 Speaker 2: he has good intentions. 357 00:20:56,440 --> 00:20:59,560 Speaker 3: Notice what I said, he has good intentions. He starts there. 358 00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:05,520 Speaker 2: The second thing is the way a man does he 359 00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:06,320 Speaker 2: empower you? 360 00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:09,040 Speaker 3: Does he empower you to be better? Does he inspire 361 00:21:09,119 --> 00:21:10,720 Speaker 3: you to be better? Now? 362 00:21:11,040 --> 00:21:12,960 Speaker 2: A lot of women don't like it when a man 363 00:21:13,080 --> 00:21:16,159 Speaker 2: tells them, Hey, I want you to work out, I 364 00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:17,080 Speaker 2: want you to be a verger. 365 00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:18,440 Speaker 3: I want you to look good. 366 00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:21,479 Speaker 2: I want They may they don't like that, they may 367 00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:24,560 Speaker 2: not like that, but look at it like this. 368 00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:25,520 Speaker 3: He wants you. 369 00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:27,320 Speaker 2: If a man says I want you to eat better, 370 00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:29,600 Speaker 2: I want you to be healthy for both of us, well, 371 00:21:29,640 --> 00:21:31,399 Speaker 2: he's attempting to inspire you. 372 00:21:31,480 --> 00:21:32,480 Speaker 3: I'm just using that as. 373 00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:34,760 Speaker 2: An example because I hear that a lot of times, 374 00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:38,320 Speaker 2: and some men may be good men. But I want 375 00:21:38,320 --> 00:21:44,600 Speaker 2: you to understand something because a man is not your idea. 376 00:21:44,680 --> 00:21:47,960 Speaker 2: Maybe he was raised a certain way, but he has 377 00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:51,400 Speaker 2: like you said, and I'm gonna say it here, he's 378 00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:58,320 Speaker 2: a good man. His core value system, his core value 379 00:21:58,480 --> 00:22:01,680 Speaker 2: system lines up with. 380 00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:07,760 Speaker 3: Yours, especially if he believes in family. He believes. 381 00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:11,120 Speaker 1: Let's talk about what values are, because I think women 382 00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:14,320 Speaker 1: who haven't seen a good man also don't understand a 383 00:22:14,359 --> 00:22:15,560 Speaker 1: man who has values. 384 00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:19,240 Speaker 2: Okay, So one of the ways that I help couples 385 00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:23,440 Speaker 2: stay together is I identify your core values because a 386 00:22:23,440 --> 00:22:26,399 Speaker 2: lot of people don't know what their own core values are. 387 00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:28,840 Speaker 2: So me and my wife came up with ten core 388 00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:32,800 Speaker 2: values within our relationship. I'm like, and what we did 389 00:22:32,880 --> 00:22:36,359 Speaker 2: with those ten core values she had hers, I had mine. 390 00:22:36,640 --> 00:22:40,520 Speaker 3: And what we did was see which values merged together. 391 00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:44,520 Speaker 2: For instance, the core values are things are things that you, 392 00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:48,639 Speaker 2: at your deepest level, believe in. Like I believe that 393 00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:51,399 Speaker 2: I should be a good father, I should be a 394 00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:54,760 Speaker 2: good provider. That's the core value of mine. A core 395 00:22:54,920 --> 00:22:58,199 Speaker 2: value of mine is in my household. I believe we 396 00:22:58,200 --> 00:23:02,560 Speaker 2: should budget. We got money because we run our household 397 00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:06,520 Speaker 2: like a business. I believe that's my core value because 398 00:23:06,600 --> 00:23:11,040 Speaker 2: years ago I went bankrupt. Okay, A core value I 399 00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:13,520 Speaker 2: have is I let my wife be who she is. 400 00:23:13,560 --> 00:23:17,160 Speaker 2: I don't support try to suppress her personality. My wife 401 00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:19,800 Speaker 2: is a comedian, the travelers all over the country. I 402 00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:23,800 Speaker 2: let her be who she is, all right, that's her 403 00:23:23,840 --> 00:23:26,879 Speaker 2: core values. I'm loud, I'm upnox with sometimes, but you 404 00:23:26,880 --> 00:23:29,920 Speaker 2: know what she tells me when I need to tell 405 00:23:29,920 --> 00:23:30,080 Speaker 2: that that. 406 00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:31,359 Speaker 3: But she'd let me be me. 407 00:23:32,520 --> 00:23:35,000 Speaker 2: So the first thing people got to understand is you 408 00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:38,320 Speaker 2: got to know your own values. If you don't know 409 00:23:38,359 --> 00:23:42,280 Speaker 2: what you value, what your values are, your core values, 410 00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:45,520 Speaker 2: the thing at your core, you want the thing that's 411 00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:45,840 Speaker 2: your core. 412 00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:47,879 Speaker 3: Now we might want, you know, I might want a 413 00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:48,679 Speaker 3: big house. 414 00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:52,640 Speaker 2: But at my core, I want a home inside where 415 00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:56,560 Speaker 2: we laugh. That's my value. A big house is just 416 00:23:56,600 --> 00:24:00,479 Speaker 2: see that's just the that's just the icing. But I 417 00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:03,720 Speaker 2: want to home where I come home and I feel 418 00:24:03,720 --> 00:24:05,119 Speaker 2: safe and we laugh. 419 00:24:05,840 --> 00:24:08,840 Speaker 1: A woman knows that she's got a good man if 420 00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:15,879 Speaker 1: he's got values that matter to him. Now you say ambition, 421 00:24:16,480 --> 00:24:19,680 Speaker 1: but I say a vision. If he can see where 422 00:24:19,720 --> 00:24:22,600 Speaker 1: he's going and he's moving in that direction, Because you 423 00:24:22,680 --> 00:24:24,840 Speaker 1: also get these men and got a lot of potential, 424 00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:26,280 Speaker 1: which mean he ain't doing nothing. 425 00:24:26,320 --> 00:24:26,600 Speaker 4: Now. 426 00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:30,280 Speaker 1: I think that she can coax that out of him. 427 00:24:30,640 --> 00:24:33,679 Speaker 1: I think that she can support him. But definitely you 428 00:24:33,760 --> 00:24:36,920 Speaker 1: don't want to throw him away. You know, if he 429 00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:39,679 Speaker 1: can just see hisself doing money he's doing for the 430 00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:43,240 Speaker 1: next twenty years to get the gold watch and retire 431 00:24:43,359 --> 00:24:45,960 Speaker 1: so he can come home and watch soap operas. You 432 00:24:46,080 --> 00:24:48,600 Speaker 1: got to check and see if that really matters to you. 433 00:24:50,160 --> 00:24:51,800 Speaker 3: Yeah, correct, Okay, I get it. 434 00:24:51,880 --> 00:24:53,760 Speaker 2: I get it because I hear a lot of women 435 00:24:53,840 --> 00:24:56,399 Speaker 2: say I don't want to build a man, and I 436 00:24:56,400 --> 00:24:59,040 Speaker 2: don't want to build a man, And I simply say, 437 00:24:59,440 --> 00:25:03,160 Speaker 2: going back to what you said, when you're in a relationship, 438 00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:06,560 Speaker 2: it reveals to you many things about you, what you 439 00:25:06,720 --> 00:25:09,919 Speaker 2: don't know, what you know, what you want, what you don't. 440 00:25:09,640 --> 00:25:10,560 Speaker 4: Want, who you are. 441 00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:17,960 Speaker 2: And if a man, some men might think he has vision, 442 00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:20,480 Speaker 2: but he don't know that he don't until he gets 443 00:25:20,480 --> 00:25:21,159 Speaker 2: in a relationship with you. 444 00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:24,520 Speaker 1: I want to speak to that for man, what a 445 00:25:24,600 --> 00:25:29,480 Speaker 1: good man wants, and we'll talk about that when we 446 00:25:29,520 --> 00:25:37,760 Speaker 1: come back. Welcome back to the rspot. We cannot leave 447 00:25:37,800 --> 00:25:41,720 Speaker 1: here today without talking about what you do every week 448 00:25:41,800 --> 00:25:46,720 Speaker 1: on MTV. Let's talk about Cheatah do good men cheat? 449 00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:49,320 Speaker 3: Sure, sure they do. 450 00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:56,280 Speaker 2: And the misnomer is is that that good men or 451 00:25:56,320 --> 00:25:58,840 Speaker 2: good women don't cheat. Good men and good women cheat. 452 00:25:59,680 --> 00:26:03,920 Speaker 2: Cheat is a byproduct of something else. See there is 453 00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:08,080 Speaker 2: a byproduct of several things, depending on who it is. 454 00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:12,520 Speaker 2: But yeah, there are good people who cheat, who make 455 00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:16,080 Speaker 2: bad decisions to do that then for whatever reason. And 456 00:26:16,119 --> 00:26:18,600 Speaker 2: I can give you a litany of reasons why men cheat, 457 00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:19,920 Speaker 2: why women cheat. 458 00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:22,520 Speaker 3: I've analyzed it all. I can give you all of 459 00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:23,880 Speaker 3: the reasons and all of that. 460 00:26:24,280 --> 00:26:30,240 Speaker 2: At the end of the day, people make decisions based 461 00:26:30,320 --> 00:26:33,800 Speaker 2: on needs that they have at any given moment in 462 00:26:33,840 --> 00:26:38,400 Speaker 2: their life. Okay, some men make a decision because they 463 00:26:38,480 --> 00:26:42,800 Speaker 2: cheat because they weren't getting in attention any sex at home. Okay, 464 00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:45,399 Speaker 2: they feel like lack of sex, then I need to 465 00:26:45,440 --> 00:26:47,880 Speaker 2: meet this need. I'm not getting medic now at home. 466 00:26:47,960 --> 00:26:51,760 Speaker 2: I make a bad decision and I go cheat with somebody. 467 00:26:52,600 --> 00:26:56,160 Speaker 2: A woman feels like her guy is not talking to her. 468 00:26:56,440 --> 00:26:59,720 Speaker 2: He's not, she doesn't have any intimate conversation. 469 00:27:00,320 --> 00:27:01,199 Speaker 3: All he want to do is. 470 00:27:01,240 --> 00:27:06,240 Speaker 2: John found get off and she's lacking that. So somebody 471 00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:09,320 Speaker 2: at work wants to talk to her and find out 472 00:27:09,320 --> 00:27:12,199 Speaker 2: about her day, who she is. She hasn't experienced that. 473 00:27:12,520 --> 00:27:14,879 Speaker 2: Next thing, you know, she makes a decision. I'm in 474 00:27:14,880 --> 00:27:18,479 Speaker 2: a relationship, I'm having an affair. So there are a 475 00:27:18,560 --> 00:27:21,440 Speaker 2: multitude of reasons why people do these things. 476 00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:24,560 Speaker 3: But I want you to understand this is that at. 477 00:27:24,440 --> 00:27:28,760 Speaker 2: The core, at the core, there is a need or 478 00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:32,119 Speaker 2: an expectation a person that has that causes them to 479 00:27:32,200 --> 00:27:34,080 Speaker 2: do something to make that decision. 480 00:27:34,720 --> 00:27:38,440 Speaker 1: I get that you have a need. It's your responsibility 481 00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:44,280 Speaker 1: to have that need met. But what about the breaches 482 00:27:44,320 --> 00:27:48,200 Speaker 1: and the breakdowns and integrity. Is he still a good man? 483 00:27:48,359 --> 00:27:52,280 Speaker 1: If he's going to lie and not listen? 484 00:27:52,480 --> 00:27:55,239 Speaker 2: But I'm going to say good man, good woman. I 485 00:27:55,280 --> 00:27:58,560 Speaker 2: just say good man and good woman. Make bad decisions 486 00:27:58,600 --> 00:28:02,879 Speaker 2: and exhibit bad being here and listen. I'm gonna be honest. 487 00:28:02,880 --> 00:28:07,040 Speaker 2: Which a cheating is no level. It's good, it's not right, 488 00:28:07,359 --> 00:28:10,359 Speaker 2: it's not anything. I will never justify it because if 489 00:28:10,400 --> 00:28:12,280 Speaker 2: things were that bad at home, you should have left, 490 00:28:12,960 --> 00:28:14,960 Speaker 2: you know, you should have or you should have communicated. 491 00:28:15,480 --> 00:28:16,960 Speaker 3: Now you bring. 492 00:28:16,760 --> 00:28:21,120 Speaker 2: Up a philosophical question. Really it's really philosophical. If he cheats, 493 00:28:21,640 --> 00:28:24,199 Speaker 2: is he a good man? If a person so and so, 494 00:28:24,280 --> 00:28:28,920 Speaker 2: I ask you, Guru, I ask you a question. If 495 00:28:28,920 --> 00:28:32,119 Speaker 2: a person that has to feed their family, if they 496 00:28:32,160 --> 00:28:35,920 Speaker 2: steal a loaf of bread out of the store. 497 00:28:35,800 --> 00:28:40,160 Speaker 3: And run out of the store, does the end justify 498 00:28:40,240 --> 00:28:41,080 Speaker 3: the means. 499 00:28:41,920 --> 00:28:46,680 Speaker 1: In that case? Absolutely. I was in relationship with a 500 00:28:46,720 --> 00:28:51,120 Speaker 1: married man. He was a good man. He was a 501 00:28:51,160 --> 00:28:53,960 Speaker 1: good man, and he had good intention, but he had 502 00:28:54,040 --> 00:29:01,880 Speaker 1: poor character. I justified my character lapsed because of my 503 00:29:02,080 --> 00:29:05,800 Speaker 1: own shortcomings. You know, I can't have what I want, 504 00:29:05,840 --> 00:29:08,440 Speaker 1: so I'm gonna take what's available, you know. I mean, 505 00:29:08,640 --> 00:29:11,880 Speaker 1: I process this thing for years. Now, eventually he left her, 506 00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:16,800 Speaker 1: we got married. But what I learned in that situation 507 00:29:16,960 --> 00:29:21,320 Speaker 1: was two things. Number One, he can't give me more 508 00:29:21,360 --> 00:29:24,280 Speaker 1: than I'm willing to give myself. If I'm willing to 509 00:29:24,320 --> 00:29:27,320 Speaker 1: settle for the crumbs of him coming when he's you know, 510 00:29:27,720 --> 00:29:31,200 Speaker 1: and if I'm willing to allow him to lie to her, 511 00:29:32,160 --> 00:29:35,960 Speaker 1: to betray her trust, then I better be you know, 512 00:29:36,120 --> 00:29:38,600 Speaker 1: damn sure that he's going to do the same thing 513 00:29:38,720 --> 00:29:42,920 Speaker 1: to me, which he did, but he did. And the 514 00:29:43,000 --> 00:29:47,000 Speaker 1: other so I had to get real clear about I'm 515 00:29:47,040 --> 00:29:51,320 Speaker 1: not my sister's keeper eye and my sister so he's 516 00:29:51,400 --> 00:29:55,280 Speaker 1: lying and betraying her. He's gonna lie and betray me. 517 00:29:55,840 --> 00:29:59,320 Speaker 1: He's you know, breaching, He's in a breach of integrity 518 00:29:59,360 --> 00:30:03,000 Speaker 1: with her and dishonesty with her and betrayal of trust 519 00:30:03,040 --> 00:30:05,480 Speaker 1: with her. He's going to do the same thing to me. 520 00:30:06,680 --> 00:30:12,240 Speaker 1: And was he a good man? Absolutely? Absolutely, a good 521 00:30:12,280 --> 00:30:18,760 Speaker 1: man with a good heart, really dedicated father to the 522 00:30:18,800 --> 00:30:21,320 Speaker 1: degree that he could be. With the back and forth 523 00:30:21,360 --> 00:30:29,960 Speaker 1: and all of the hollering, conflameration, poor, poor, poor character, Okay, 524 00:30:32,000 --> 00:30:32,720 Speaker 1: poor character. 525 00:30:35,400 --> 00:30:39,800 Speaker 3: Is there any ever any justification for cheating? 526 00:30:42,440 --> 00:30:46,840 Speaker 1: Well, I wouldn't call it cheating. Is there any justification 527 00:30:46,960 --> 00:30:51,440 Speaker 1: for cheating? I don't think so? Tell me, because see, 528 00:30:51,920 --> 00:30:55,520 Speaker 1: I'm a spiritual technician, right. 529 00:30:55,640 --> 00:30:57,479 Speaker 2: Somebody asked me that question. That's why I ask you. 530 00:30:57,480 --> 00:31:00,160 Speaker 2: They ask the coach because what he's telling me, as 531 00:31:00,160 --> 00:31:02,360 Speaker 2: he said, look, my wife, she hadn't given me sex 532 00:31:02,400 --> 00:31:06,040 Speaker 2: and six months, And he said, is there any justification 533 00:31:06,160 --> 00:31:08,240 Speaker 2: for cheating? So that's why I posed a question for 534 00:31:08,360 --> 00:31:10,160 Speaker 2: you to you? And I told him, I said no, 535 00:31:10,920 --> 00:31:13,480 Speaker 2: I said, because but you choked. You made a decision. 536 00:31:13,840 --> 00:31:14,600 Speaker 2: You made a decision. 537 00:31:14,600 --> 00:31:14,880 Speaker 3: This thing. 538 00:31:15,040 --> 00:31:18,080 Speaker 2: You made a decision too. And I get it. I 539 00:31:18,120 --> 00:31:19,480 Speaker 2: get it, it's something that you didn't like. 540 00:31:19,560 --> 00:31:20,520 Speaker 3: I got it just in. 541 00:31:20,560 --> 00:31:24,440 Speaker 1: That selfishness or just in that choice. Your wife hasn't 542 00:31:24,480 --> 00:31:27,400 Speaker 1: given you sex for six months. This is your wife, 543 00:31:28,120 --> 00:31:31,720 Speaker 1: and for her to withdraw or withhold from you, there's 544 00:31:31,760 --> 00:31:36,800 Speaker 1: a problem. There's a situation that could infect the entire relationship. 545 00:31:37,320 --> 00:31:39,880 Speaker 1: Rather go in the bathroom and meet with Madame Palm 546 00:31:39,920 --> 00:31:42,960 Speaker 1: and her five daughters and then figure out how you 547 00:31:43,040 --> 00:31:45,840 Speaker 1: and your wife are going heal whatever's going on. An 548 00:31:45,960 --> 00:31:52,400 Speaker 1: absolute joy, coach, Can I thank you for just being authentic? 549 00:31:52,760 --> 00:31:55,840 Speaker 1: Tell tell our Spot family where they can find you. 550 00:31:55,920 --> 00:31:59,040 Speaker 1: I know you have the academy. Where can they. 551 00:31:58,920 --> 00:32:02,200 Speaker 2: Find Yeah, you can find me at coach ken k 552 00:32:02,600 --> 00:32:05,440 Speaker 2: N C A N I O N dot com, Coach 553 00:32:05,520 --> 00:32:07,600 Speaker 2: Kim Kenyon dot com. 554 00:32:07,960 --> 00:32:09,680 Speaker 3: Coach Kim Kenyon on every. 555 00:32:09,480 --> 00:32:14,240 Speaker 2: Social media outlet, follow me on YouTube, TikTok, Instagram, all 556 00:32:14,280 --> 00:32:17,360 Speaker 2: of them same handle, and yeah we are And then 557 00:32:17,400 --> 00:32:20,440 Speaker 2: you can follow me. Watch our show Tuesday nights on 558 00:32:20,600 --> 00:32:24,360 Speaker 2: MTV at nine o'clock, carding me at Come Faithful. 559 00:32:25,520 --> 00:32:27,480 Speaker 3: Yeah you're gonna see some all kind of stuff. 560 00:32:27,800 --> 00:32:31,600 Speaker 1: So one last thing you would like to lead the 561 00:32:31,720 --> 00:32:35,520 Speaker 1: our Spot family with in terms of what a good 562 00:32:35,640 --> 00:32:36,800 Speaker 1: man wants. 563 00:32:37,400 --> 00:32:39,160 Speaker 2: Here's the thing I want to leave you with. This 564 00:32:40,400 --> 00:32:44,040 Speaker 2: were every human being is a flawed individual. We come 565 00:32:44,080 --> 00:32:47,000 Speaker 2: to a perfect we come into an imperfect world, and 566 00:32:47,000 --> 00:32:52,560 Speaker 2: we're imperfect. And I will say this is that what 567 00:32:52,960 --> 00:32:56,400 Speaker 2: helps me to be better, live better, do the work 568 00:32:56,440 --> 00:32:58,880 Speaker 2: I do is to understand that I'm. 569 00:33:00,400 --> 00:33:04,800 Speaker 3: That I'm not perfect, but I am doing every day. 570 00:33:05,040 --> 00:33:08,720 Speaker 2: I feel like God helps me to perfect me, to 571 00:33:08,840 --> 00:33:11,440 Speaker 2: be better every single day. And that's all I want 572 00:33:11,480 --> 00:33:14,080 Speaker 2: to do. I want to be better. And the last 573 00:33:14,080 --> 00:33:15,760 Speaker 2: thing I want to leave them with this is the 574 00:33:15,800 --> 00:33:19,000 Speaker 2: one thing I want to leave you with. Perfection is 575 00:33:19,040 --> 00:33:25,200 Speaker 2: the enemy of progress. Focus on progress, not perfection, because 576 00:33:25,200 --> 00:33:26,280 Speaker 2: you're gonna never be perfect. 577 00:33:26,960 --> 00:33:30,920 Speaker 1: And I say this, you know, I know it's there, 578 00:33:31,000 --> 00:33:33,120 Speaker 1: but I want to state it so I can be really, 579 00:33:33,160 --> 00:33:40,000 Speaker 1: really clear. For me, A good man has an honorable, intimate, 580 00:33:40,240 --> 00:33:44,200 Speaker 1: consistent relationship with the God of his understands the God 581 00:33:44,240 --> 00:33:47,120 Speaker 1: to whom he is accountable. So that means he's got 582 00:33:47,120 --> 00:33:50,000 Speaker 1: a scripture. He's got to treat this, he's got a Koran, 583 00:33:50,160 --> 00:33:54,240 Speaker 1: he's got something that he is going to evaluate the 584 00:33:54,320 --> 00:33:59,200 Speaker 1: sets and measure his behavior by. Because a man who 585 00:33:59,320 --> 00:34:02,640 Speaker 1: is not a comptable to somebody is a danger to 586 00:34:02,760 --> 00:34:06,080 Speaker 1: himself and everybody else. He got to know God. He 587 00:34:06,160 --> 00:34:08,880 Speaker 1: got to know God, some God, somebody. I don't care 588 00:34:08,920 --> 00:34:12,000 Speaker 1: if it's a tree or rock in the park, something 589 00:34:12,080 --> 00:34:15,600 Speaker 1: greater than himself. I want to thank you, Coach Ken 590 00:34:15,920 --> 00:34:19,600 Speaker 1: for these two episodes. I hope my Our Spot family, 591 00:34:19,640 --> 00:34:24,080 Speaker 1: I hope you've heard something, gotten something, wrote something down 592 00:34:23,840 --> 00:34:27,480 Speaker 1: and really take it to heart. You know, I think 593 00:34:27,520 --> 00:34:30,719 Speaker 1: it's time for us to be kinder, gentler with each other. 594 00:34:30,719 --> 00:34:36,120 Speaker 1: As Coach Kin said, nobody's perfect, and you do have significance, 595 00:34:36,239 --> 00:34:39,240 Speaker 1: and you are valuable, and you've got to be willing 596 00:34:39,360 --> 00:34:42,480 Speaker 1: to do the work we here at the Our Spot. 597 00:34:43,040 --> 00:34:45,920 Speaker 1: My commitments to us is to give us the tools 598 00:34:46,080 --> 00:34:51,560 Speaker 1: we need to do the work to build healthier, more peaceful, 599 00:34:51,680 --> 00:34:55,920 Speaker 1: more loving relationships, first with yourself, with the God of 600 00:34:55,960 --> 00:35:00,400 Speaker 1: your understanding, and then with other people. That's the vision 601 00:35:00,880 --> 00:35:03,960 Speaker 1: and that's what we're doing. So I will be back. 602 00:35:04,120 --> 00:35:06,680 Speaker 1: I'll see you next week. In the meantime, stay in 603 00:35:06,680 --> 00:35:09,320 Speaker 1: peace and not in pieces. 604 00:35:10,560 --> 00:35:22,440 Speaker 4: Bye. 605 00:35:25,719 --> 00:35:29,160 Speaker 1: The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in 606 00:35:29,239 --> 00:35:34,920 Speaker 1: partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit 607 00:35:34,960 --> 00:35:39,279 Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to 608 00:35:39,640 --> 00:35:40,520 Speaker 1: your favorite show.