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Speaker 1: Conversations on life, style, beauty and relationships. It's the Velvet's

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Speaker 1: Edge Podcast with Kelly Henderson, certified holistic chef.

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Speaker 2: Laura Lee Bryant is here. Hi, laur Le Hi, how

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Speaker 2: are you. I'm good. I was just saying to you,

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Speaker 2: this is like sort of like a little catch up

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Speaker 2: for us. We've known each other for a really long time.

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Speaker 2: Back in the blog days. Is how I think that

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Speaker 2: you and I got connected. There was ll Balanced and

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Speaker 2: I had Velvet's Edge, the blog, and we used to

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Speaker 2: go to like blog events together back in the day.

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Speaker 3: Yes, it's like blog retreat. That was definitely the height

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Speaker 3: of all of that.

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Speaker 2: I feel like we were bloggers before everyone was a blogger,

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Speaker 2: and so now it feels a little oversaturated. But back

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Speaker 2: in the day, you guys that are listening, when we

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Speaker 2: had these blogs, it was like, I don't know, it's

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Speaker 2: like the heyday. We got to go to all these

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Speaker 2: cool events. We would go on these trips together. It

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Speaker 2: was so fun, was fun.

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Speaker 3: I know I kind of missed that, but yeah, but

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Speaker 3: this was long overdue.

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Speaker 2: Yes what we were saying, because we haven't had a

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Speaker 2: time to catch up since then. Both of us, I

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Speaker 2: think have kind of gone through similar experiences, and it's

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Speaker 2: just that stage of our life as women, where your

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Speaker 2: thirties and into your forties, I think you're really figuring

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Speaker 2: out your path, your purpose, you are, and all of

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Speaker 2: those important factors into that and what makes you you.

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Speaker 2: So back when I knew you and you had ll

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Speaker 2: balanced in a couple cookbooks under your belt, life seemed

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Speaker 2: pretty picture perfect on the outside. I mean, I feel

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Speaker 2: like you had this very successful career, you were married,

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Speaker 2: there were all these things that I think anyone looking

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Speaker 2: in would be like, this girl's got it figured out.

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Speaker 2: And then since then, and I know this now from

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Speaker 2: reading the new book, but some things have shifted and

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Speaker 2: it sounds like life took a turn. So can you

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Speaker 2: kind of do a little obsession with me now and

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Speaker 2: maybe give the listeners a little backstory because I think

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Speaker 2: this will lead into what you are doing now.

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Speaker 3: Yeah. Absolutely, So. You know, I met my ex husband

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Speaker 3: when I was twenty seven, which isn't that young, but

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Speaker 3: the reality was when I met him, I had just

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Speaker 3: graduated from culinary school, and besides knowing that I wanted

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Speaker 3: to do this like food stuff, I really had no

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Speaker 3: idea who I was. I mean, all of this is

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Speaker 3: in retrospect. I didn't realize that this at the time,

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Speaker 3: but I really didn't know who I was. And the

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Speaker 3: truth is, he really did, like he was very consistent

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Speaker 3: about who he was and what he wanted from the beginning,

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Speaker 3: and as we you know, we had a really quick engagement.

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Speaker 3: It all kind of happened relatively quickly, and I think

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Speaker 3: as I grew up, kind of alongside the relationship and

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Speaker 3: the marriage, I started to get to know myself and

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Speaker 3: realize that even so he'd been really consistent, I was

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Speaker 3: actually a very different person than I was trying to be.

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Speaker 3: And I felt very sure that the version of myself

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Speaker 3: that I was getting to know, which was my more

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Speaker 3: authentic self, was not going to be compatible with like

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Speaker 3: big life things that he wanted versus what I wanted.

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Speaker 3: And that was a excruciating revelation. And it also, you know,

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Speaker 3: it doesn't happen overnight, So I think it was one

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Speaker 3: of those things where as my career grew that really

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Speaker 3: sort of catalyzed getting to know myself better. But it

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Speaker 3: also meant that it was behind the scenes, I was

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Speaker 3: realizing more and more that the relationship that I was

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Speaker 3: in wasn't the right fit, and you know, there was

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Speaker 3: a lot of shame about that, but at the end

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Speaker 3: of the day was it was definitely the right decision,

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Speaker 3: I think for both of us. But that's kind of

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Speaker 3: what was going on behind the scenes, and I was

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Speaker 3: just trying to pretend like everything was still great.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, why do you think we do that as women?

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Speaker 2: Because I think that's a big thing. I mean, with

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Speaker 2: it the beginning of your career taking off, or just

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Speaker 2: the idea like being in the South, you know, divorce

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Speaker 2: is bad or anything like that, Like what do you

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Speaker 2: think the message is going through your head where at

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Speaker 2: that time.

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Speaker 3: I definitely think there is a lot of stigma around

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Speaker 3: divorce for sure, and I, you know, was aware enough

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Speaker 3: that part of being an influencer. Again, it's not like

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Speaker 3: these were things I was musing over in a really

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Speaker 3: specific way at the time. But again, looking back, I

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Speaker 3: can see that I think on a semi conscious level,

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Speaker 3: I was afraid of what it would mean because I

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Speaker 3: knew so many people in my community thought I had

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Speaker 3: it all together. Because we are taught as women, especially

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Speaker 3: in the South, that this is the right thing and

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Speaker 3: this is what you're supposed to do, and it's a

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Speaker 3: huge problem if that somehow is not a good fit

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Speaker 3: for you. So I think I was swallowing that shame

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Speaker 3: in a lot of ways, and I also was really

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Speaker 3: scared of what it would mean for, you know, every

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Speaker 3: aspect of my life.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. I think that's one of the things that people

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Speaker 2: underestimate about the influencing culture just in general. It is

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Speaker 2: like when you make your life kind of the storyline

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Speaker 2: for your business in some capacity, when that life starts

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Speaker 2: to shift, it's very uncomfortable to navigate because you're doing

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Speaker 2: it in front of a lot of people.

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Speaker 3: M hm oh yeah. Yeah. I had to make that

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Speaker 3: mistake three times, three times hearing about the relationships before

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Speaker 3: I learned my lesson. But you know, yeah, it is.

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Speaker 3: It's tricky, and I think I think that right after

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Speaker 3: my divorce, I still refused to really face what I

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Speaker 3: was experiencing. I think because I really felt like it

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Speaker 3: was the right decision. I mistook that for being healed

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Speaker 3: from it, or being okay. I wasn't okay. I wasn't healed.

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Speaker 3: But because I felt like, Okay, this is the right thing,

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Speaker 3: I confused the two and I really tried to just

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Speaker 3: barrel ahead, and for a while, even through my second

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Speaker 3: book through all of that pain and what was going on,

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Speaker 3: you know, below the surface, and try to keep my

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Speaker 3: personal and professional life kind of separate in terms of

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Speaker 3: how my work showed up, and eventually I really hit

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Speaker 3: that rock bottom.

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Speaker 2: Well, talk me through a little bit of the patterns

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Speaker 2: you started to recognize in yourself, because I resonate with

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Speaker 2: everything you just said, and I feel like a lot

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Speaker 2: of times when we do the barrel forward, it does

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Speaker 2: feel good kind of in the moment, because it's like, Okay,

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Speaker 2: I'm good. It's like this like reassurance to yourself, like no,

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Speaker 2: this is fine, that was the right decision, This is good.

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Speaker 2: I can keep moving. I can do this. But you

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Speaker 2: said there was a lot that you were kind of

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Speaker 2: keeping under the surface. So what did that look like?

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Speaker 2: And then what were some of the patterns that you

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Speaker 2: started to recognize within yourself as you kept barreling forward.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, definitely. I think even though I had had the

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Speaker 3: awareness that while my ex husband was very consistent and thorough,

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Speaker 3: you know, throughout that I was sort of the one

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Speaker 3: who was changing and growing and learning and wasn't particularly consistent,

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Speaker 3: that I was aware of what that actually meant and

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Speaker 3: what I then wanted and needed and what was right

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Speaker 3: for me that I didn't know. I just knew okay,

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Speaker 3: that wasn't that wasn't the right fit. And I think

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Speaker 3: it was more of what's not versus what is. And

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Speaker 3: so the pattern really that I noticed was simply that

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Speaker 3: I was just attracting relationships that weren't compatible for me,

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Speaker 3: that weren't right for me at all, whatever the reasoning is,

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Speaker 3: and it's because I still didn't really know who I

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Speaker 3: was or what I wanted in a romantic relationship. I was,

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Speaker 3: I had a much clearer idea of who I am

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Speaker 3: as a businesswoman, who I was when it came to food.

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Speaker 3: All of that felt really solid. And again I think

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Speaker 3: I confused that with my personal inner identity. And unfortunately

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Speaker 3: it did take you know, going through just an excruciatingly

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Speaker 3: sad heartbreak for me to finally say something has to change.

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Speaker 3: I have to actually stop and investigate this rather than

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Speaker 3: just the numbing and the you know, full steam ahead.

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Speaker 2: So what does that look like when you have that realization,

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Speaker 2: like you hit a bottom if you want to call

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Speaker 2: it that, or you go through another heartbreak, What what

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Speaker 2: did that look like for you? In those days after

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Speaker 2: that like, did you you know, how do you find yourself?

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Speaker 2: I guess is what I'm asking ultimately, Yes.

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Speaker 3: So after my divorce, I honestly and part of the

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Speaker 3: reason it was such a tough time was because I

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Speaker 3: was just again pushing the feelings down and covering it

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Speaker 3: up with While I was writing a healthy cookbook, I

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Speaker 3: was covering it up with eating just not eating well

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Speaker 3: at all, drinking way too much, not taking care of myself.

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Speaker 3: Like I am all about indulgences in moderation, but I

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Speaker 3: was really not eating. I was eating just like mostly

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Speaker 3: sugar and fast food, I mean things I would never

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Speaker 3: have recommended the quantities that I was having them, So

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Speaker 3: I did that after my divorce. That was my numbing

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Speaker 3: and coping. Those are my numbing and coping devices, plus

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Speaker 3: I think being a workaholic. But the breakup that I had,

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Speaker 3: it was February of twenty twenty one, and I had

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Speaker 3: actually moved out of my ex boyfriend's house in a

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Speaker 3: snowstorm at night, and over the course of three hours,

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Speaker 3: I moved into an airbnb with a girlfriend, and I

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Speaker 3: just was so beyond devastated that even those numbing and

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Speaker 3: coping devices just weren't they weren't cutting it. And the

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Speaker 3: thing is, yes, I was grieving that most recent relationship,

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Speaker 3: but I was also grieving my marriage, like I was

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Speaker 3: grieving all of the things that I hadn't faced yet.

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Speaker 3: So it was a culmination of a lot, and it

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Speaker 3: was to the point where I just realized that I

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Speaker 3: needed to take a different approach and actually have a

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Speaker 3: holistic approach, much like I've had with food to heartbreak,

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Speaker 3: which I've never I'd never studied that before, I'd never

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Speaker 3: heard of that before. And so I started working with

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Speaker 3: a coach and I was learning some of these some

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Speaker 3: mindset tools, but I also knew. I just knew, Okay,

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Speaker 3: I can't do the kinds of exercise that I used

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Speaker 3: to because I can tell it's dysregulating my nervous system.

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Speaker 3: I can't eat the kind of things I've been eating.

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Speaker 3: It's just making me feel so much worse. I can't

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Speaker 3: socialize the way I've been socializing. It's making everything worse.

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Speaker 3: And so then I was like, Okay, but then what

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Speaker 3: do I replace that with.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it's so interesting because as I'm listening to talk,

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Speaker 2: I'm thinking just about our culture in general, that it

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Speaker 2: is kind of the way that we look at life

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Speaker 2: like we want it to just be pretty on the outside.

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Speaker 2: And so you're sitting here, you're saying, you're writing this

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Speaker 2: book that's like all about holistic healing through food and

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Speaker 2: how to take care of yourself. Yet behind the scenes,

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Speaker 2: your life didn't look like that. But it's almost like

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Speaker 2: people don't care or like until we actually embrace it ourselves.

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Speaker 2: Like people just want the pretty picture, and so a

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Speaker 2: lot of times, I think the pressure we put on

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Speaker 2: ourselves is to just do that at any cost. And

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Speaker 2: what I hear you saying is like, no, what I

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Speaker 2: realized is like that was like slowly killing me. And

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Speaker 2: I wasn't living in an authentic place either. So was

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Speaker 2: there like a breakthrough moment when things just like kind

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Speaker 2: of came to light for you?

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Speaker 3: I think it really was that next morning when I

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Speaker 3: woke up in the Airbnb. I mean, it was just

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Speaker 3: it was a level of pain that I hadn't experienced,

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Speaker 3: and it was just it was definitely one of my

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Speaker 3: darkest moments, and I think that was you know, I

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Speaker 3: think a lot of the time, change doesn't happen in

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Speaker 3: an instant, but I really do feel like in this situation,

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Speaker 3: even though I took a lot of steps, and it

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Speaker 3: took a lot of work and repetition and practice. I

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Speaker 3: do think that morning I immediately knew I have to

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Speaker 3: do something different. I really did in that time, and

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Speaker 3: you're so right. One of the other greeting process is

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Speaker 3: that I've had to do in the last few years

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Speaker 3: since that time has been in realizing that understandably. You know,

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Speaker 3: Instagram in particular is a very voyeuristic platform by nature,

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Speaker 3: you know, and that's how it developed. Ten years ago.

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Speaker 3: Was at least a lot of my engagement. I think

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Speaker 3: a lot of it was for food, and I think

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Speaker 3: people do did like my food, do like my food,

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Speaker 3: but I do think a lot of it was that,

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Speaker 3: you know, it's like semi attainability, that perfect life, that aspirational,

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Speaker 3: you know, perspective. And I from that day on, one

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Speaker 3: of the many changes that I made was I promised

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Speaker 3: myself I will never share a relationship publicly again, you know,

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Speaker 3: pictures or specifics or anything like that. And I also

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Speaker 3: just generally decided to be much more private and be

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Speaker 3: in my life a lot more. And that has been

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Speaker 3: for my mental health incredibly, just healing. But it has

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Speaker 3: also meant that I've lost a lot of engagement over

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Speaker 3: eight years, and that's like, that's a bummer, you.

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Speaker 2: Know, totally. I mean, I feel like you're telling my

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Speaker 2: story because it's so similar. I just have gone through

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Speaker 2: the same thing. And I've actually heard so many other

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Speaker 2: if you want to call them, quote unquote influencers or

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Speaker 2: whatever we were, you know, or whatever that is called

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Speaker 2: back in the day. But like I do think from

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Speaker 2: a mental health perspective, as a culture, maybe it was

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Speaker 2: the COVID pandemic or just that that feels like a

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Speaker 2: lot of people kind of hit some sort of realization

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Speaker 2: during that time because of that or because of other

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Speaker 2: things happening in their life, But like we need more

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Speaker 2: of the real now, which is I think what you

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Speaker 2: hit too, was like I have to find some middle

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Speaker 2: ground between the way I'm living my life and then

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Speaker 2: the work that I'm doing, Like it has to be

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Speaker 2: cohesive through my life. And I feel that too, and

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Speaker 2: keeping some things for ourselves as sacred private things, you know,

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Speaker 2: because we've lived in this culture that was just kind

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Speaker 2: of making everything in life storyline, which is good if

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Speaker 2: things are good, but man, when things are bad, it's

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Speaker 2: not so pretty, that is it.

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Speaker 3: That's it. Whenever I feel that, you know, disappointment of

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Speaker 3: I wish I had, you know, a faster growing community,

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Speaker 3: I wish I had just more interaction in general, I

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Speaker 3: just always go back to the fact that, yes, the

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Speaker 3: highs are high, but the lows are so so low,

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Speaker 3: and I wouldn't I wouldn't trade it for a day.

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Speaker 2: Well, let's talk. Let's switch into what you are doing now,

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Speaker 2: because you did hit such a really dark season of

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Speaker 2: your life, but now it seems like it's brought you

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Speaker 2: to maybe one of the brightest moments of your life.

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Speaker 2: You have a new book called Recipes for an Aching Heart,

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Speaker 2: Healthy and Easy Meals to help you heal from grief, loss,

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Speaker 2: or the stress of everyday life. So you've really taken

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Speaker 2: your pain and turned it into this passion for helping

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Speaker 2: other women go through breakups or divorces and really like

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Speaker 2: what that means psychologically and what the healing process can

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Speaker 2: look like. So can you talk to us a little

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Speaker 2: bit about when the shift happened for you into this work.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean truly it was. It kind of all

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Speaker 3: happened right after that breakup because while I was working

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Speaker 3: learning some of these mindset tools from a coach. I

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Speaker 3: also was making a lot of actual lifestyle shifts. I

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Speaker 3: didn't know the science behind it right away, but I

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Speaker 3: was really listening to my body, and I could tell

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Speaker 3: when I was activated in my nervous system, dysregulated, when

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Speaker 3: something that normally might have been energizing was really depleting.

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Speaker 3: And so I kind of started writing down, like all

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Speaker 3: these these things that I was naturally shifting over to

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Speaker 3: instead of what I'd been doing. And then as I

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Speaker 3: implemented that and time went on, I actually it was

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Speaker 3: so successful. It was it was such a powerful healing experience.

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Speaker 3: And I mean in my body, but actually most importantly

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Speaker 3: in my mind because it's all related. And it was

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Speaker 3: very much like twelve years ago when I started studying

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Speaker 3: holistic food. I remember for the first time reading the

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Speaker 3: work of a woman named Kimberly Snyder back in twenty twelve.

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Speaker 3: And Kimberly, Yeah, no one knows about her. She was

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Speaker 3: the generation before us.

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Speaker 2: Gosh, yeah, she was OG.

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Speaker 3: She was the OG. And I remember she was the

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Speaker 3: first person who was talking about the relationship between food

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Speaker 3: and mental and emotional health. And it was such an aha,

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Speaker 3: very much like what I experienced two years ago. Which

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Speaker 3: is this aha of when we are grieving, we cannot

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Speaker 3: separate that from what we normally do and try to

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Speaker 3: again just move through the world in the same way

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Speaker 3: when you are really grieving and when you are in

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Speaker 3: that state of particularly when your brain is perceiving a

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Speaker 3: breakup as a rejection, which by the way, it can

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Speaker 3: do even if you were the one who ended it,

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Speaker 3: you can still perceive it as a rejection when you're

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Speaker 3: in that. What I say to my clients is they're

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Speaker 3: literally in a different like time space continuum. They're on fire,

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Speaker 3: they're tired and wired. They're not living this in the

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Speaker 3: same world that the rest of us are living in.

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Speaker 3: So I wanted to create a protocol that basically builds

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Speaker 3: a world to help them heal inside and out, even

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Speaker 3: when the rest of the world around them isn't honoring

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Speaker 3: what they're going through to the extent that they really need.

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Speaker 3: And so just started studying it. I started studying the

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Speaker 3: work of Pmlody, doctor Helen Fisher, Elizabeth Koopler Ross, the

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Speaker 3: book Attached by Rachel Heller and Amir Levine, and I

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Speaker 3: created this and a lot of actual, you know, scholarly articles,

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Speaker 3: scientific journals and really came up with a psychological and

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Speaker 3: physiological set of tools, sets of tools that I then

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Speaker 3: use for my clients that I now take them through.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean you're mentioning first of all, people that

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Speaker 2: I love P Melody. I mean all of these people too.

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Speaker 2: Even the book, it's hat like it's all talking about

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Speaker 2: I think, you know, attachment in general and relationships is

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Speaker 2: such a big topic in our culture. So a lot

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Speaker 2: of people know about that, but so much of that

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Speaker 2: is like about regulating your nervous system. So what are

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Speaker 2: the connections between food and what we consume or what

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Speaker 2: we don't consume? Because I know when I'm going through grief,

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Speaker 2: I have such a hard time eating in general, Like

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Speaker 2: that becomes very difficult for me because I feel so

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Speaker 2: like physically nauseous because my nervous system is like so disregulated.

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Speaker 2: So what did you find with the connections between this

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Speaker 2: holistic diet or you know, eating plan and regulating your

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Speaker 2: nervous system?

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Speaker 3: Definitely, I would say, you know specifically, So let me

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Speaker 3: say too, when a client comes to me, I can

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Speaker 3: tell pretty quickly through a thirty minute call if we're

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Speaker 3: a good fit. And I know someone's a good fit

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Speaker 3: if they are probably going to fall into the buckets

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Speaker 3: of anxiously attached or tend towards that they again perceive

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Speaker 3: the breakup as action, even if they initiated it. They're

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Speaker 3: very disregulated. They have these looping, obsessive thoughts, and all

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Speaker 3: of those things tell me, and this is pretty much

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Speaker 3: always the case, that they're probably not going to have

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Speaker 3: much of an appetite again. They're going to feel like

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Speaker 3: they're on fire. Everything is painful, everything's hard. Sometimes they

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Speaker 3: may vacillate from that into numbness a little bit, but

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Speaker 3: either way, they're probably nothing sounds good to them. Not

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Speaker 3: only does nothing sound good to them food wise, but

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Speaker 3: when they do get a little bit hungry, they may

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Speaker 3: crave something that's so not what they would normally. Ever,

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Speaker 3: I mean for me personally, and I've seen this with

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Speaker 3: several clients. I have a huge sweet tooth, but when

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Speaker 3: I am grieving, when I'm in that particular that much

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Speaker 3: of a dysregulated state, the idea of something sweet makes

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Speaker 3: me nauseous. All I want is salt. If I'm going

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Speaker 3: to eat something, I want it to be salty. So

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Speaker 3: what I do is say, Okay, this is the state

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Speaker 3: that they're in. The stage of grief that they're in.

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Speaker 3: What is going on with their digestion, because it affects

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Speaker 3: your immune system, your gut microbiome, It affects your adrenaline

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Speaker 3: and your cortisol, It affects your neurotransmitters. In the beginning

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Speaker 3: of a breakup. Again, for my specific client, they have

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Speaker 3: a lot of dopamine because they're often still their brain

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Speaker 3: is in the protest phase, the chase, the I can

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Speaker 3: fix this, I can get them back, and so again,

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Speaker 3: cortisol and adrenaline are through the roof, which may also

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Speaker 3: lessen appetite. So there's a lot of things that are

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Speaker 3: contributing to that. Plus their digestion is just more sensitive.

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Speaker 3: So whereas you know, on a normal day, quote normal

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Speaker 3: I might offer them, I might say, yeah, sure, your

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Speaker 3: usual lunch of this salad with mixed screens and all

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Speaker 3: these raw veggies and nuts and seeds and dried fruit.

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Speaker 3: Maybe that's super healthy quote healthy for you normally. But

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Speaker 3: that's not going to go down well. So let's focus

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Speaker 3: on things like if you're going to have vegetables cooked

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Speaker 3: or blended into a smoothie or a soup, let's you know,

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Speaker 3: be really liquefying the diet as much as possible. Let's

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Speaker 3: check with your taste buds what actually might sound good,

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Speaker 3: and we keep it as simple but nutrient dense as possible.

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Speaker 3: And then as time goes on, what I tend to

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Speaker 3: find is they move into more of the clinic. When

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Speaker 3: I say depression, that's Elizabeth kou Koubleros's depression, not clinical depression.

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Speaker 3: So the depression stage, which leads into the acceptance stage.

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Speaker 3: As we do all this work on their mind, which

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Speaker 3: is really where the change happens, what then results in

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Speaker 3: their body is their appetite increases, and this is where

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Speaker 3: they might tend to find. Cravings come in hot one

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Speaker 3: because they've probably been deprived for a while. It's just

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Speaker 3: really hard to get the amount of calories and nutrition

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Speaker 3: that you need when you have absolutely no appetite. So there,

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Speaker 3: you know, the hunger comes back with a vengeance. And

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Speaker 3: then we start to see because they're losing some of

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Speaker 3: that dopamine, dopamine decreases, then their brains might start looking

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Speaker 3: for that dopamine, which may come in the form of

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Speaker 3: hyper palatable foods. So that's when all of a sudden

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Speaker 3: they want, you know, the fast food and the sugary

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Speaker 3: food and the carbe crunchy, all of that, and so

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Speaker 3: we have to come up with healthier alternatives of their

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Speaker 3: favorite cravings.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it's so interesting to hear you talk about the

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Speaker 2: science behind it, because what I do think that I

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Speaker 2: started to realize, like going through a deep grief is

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Speaker 2: like you don't want to eat, like you're saying, you

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Speaker 2: don't have this appetite, But when you don't take care

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Speaker 2: of yourself, it's such a spiral effect into so many

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Speaker 2: different things. Like you mentioned gut health, I think it

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Speaker 2: really can affect your sleep as well, and so there's

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Speaker 2: all these other physical things happening to you and all

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Speaker 2: you can really think sometimes when you're in that deep

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Speaker 2: of grief is like getting out of bed feels so

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Speaker 2: difficult and like you're exhausted. So I love this idea

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Speaker 2: of like, no, we really still have to nourish our bodies,

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Speaker 2: Like the importance of nourishing our bodies through that time.

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Speaker 3: Yes, definitely, And you're so right. I mean it extends

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Speaker 3: so far beyond you know, gut and appetite. It really

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Speaker 3: can and be sleep and brain fog and just just

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Speaker 3: like you said, the most basic, simple tasks can feel insurmountable,

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Speaker 3: and so a lot of the work I do with

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Speaker 3: my clients is helping them through some of these thoughts

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Speaker 3: that you know that they're having of I'm lazy or

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Speaker 3: you know, I can't get it together. We do a

432
00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:20,960
Speaker 3: lot of work on those things, and also we just

433
00:23:21,080 --> 00:23:23,040
Speaker 3: kind of clear out the clutter and say what needs

434
00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:25,320
Speaker 3: to be done now. So I am a huge fan

435
00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:27,320
Speaker 3: of becoming a no person. I talk about this in

436
00:23:27,359 --> 00:23:29,399
Speaker 3: the book I have. In the beginning of the book

437
00:23:29,440 --> 00:23:31,720
Speaker 3: I did, there's a section called how to Mend an

438
00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:34,600
Speaker 3: aching Heart. And obviously it's not a one size fits all,

439
00:23:35,119 --> 00:23:38,680
Speaker 3: but some of those lifestyle shifts are so massive because,

440
00:23:39,440 --> 00:23:41,439
Speaker 3: like you said, just everything is.

441
00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:45,760
Speaker 2: A victory totally. And I don't think that many of

442
00:23:45,880 --> 00:23:48,800
Speaker 2: us know any of these holistic tools because I think

443
00:23:48,880 --> 00:23:51,840
Speaker 2: the way society present that is like either get up,

444
00:23:52,040 --> 00:23:54,200
Speaker 2: get up and get back out there kind of mentality,

445
00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:57,199
Speaker 2: or you know, drink your way through it, or just

446
00:23:57,280 --> 00:23:59,720
Speaker 2: keep moving through work like you were saying, and there

447
00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:04,080
Speaker 2: isn't this moment to actually healthily process feelings, which is

448
00:24:04,119 --> 00:24:06,160
Speaker 2: so so so important because if you don't get it out,

449
00:24:06,200 --> 00:24:07,680
Speaker 2: like you're just going to take it with you into

450
00:24:07,680 --> 00:24:09,760
Speaker 2: something else, is what I've learned at least.

451
00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:15,439
Speaker 3: Oh for sure. What's the book The Body keeps the Score? Yeah,

452
00:24:15,520 --> 00:24:19,200
Speaker 3: it does so true. And also, you know, one thing

453
00:24:19,280 --> 00:24:23,440
Speaker 3: I really believe very strongly is that time doesn't heal

454
00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:29,119
Speaker 3: all wounds. Time lessens the acuteness of how often you

455
00:24:29,160 --> 00:24:32,560
Speaker 3: are experiencing it day to day, but it stays in

456
00:24:32,680 --> 00:24:35,439
Speaker 3: your in your nervous system and your brain, and so

457
00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:37,960
Speaker 3: you know, I think that's one of the reasons why

458
00:24:38,119 --> 00:24:41,480
Speaker 3: interestingly this actually surprised me. I would say at least

459
00:24:41,520 --> 00:24:44,600
Speaker 3: half of my clients went through their breakup or divorce

460
00:24:44,800 --> 00:24:48,680
Speaker 3: over a year ago, several of them three four years,

461
00:24:49,200 --> 00:24:50,560
Speaker 3: because it stays.

462
00:24:50,800 --> 00:24:53,000
Speaker 2: Yeah, and sometimes I don't know that we're ready to

463
00:24:53,040 --> 00:24:54,840
Speaker 2: work through it right away because the pain is just

464
00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:57,399
Speaker 2: too immense, and so it just takes time, but it

465
00:24:57,400 --> 00:24:58,920
Speaker 2: will stay with you. So the only way at is

466
00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:05,080
Speaker 2: three is what I always say. But you've mentioned a

467
00:25:05,080 --> 00:25:08,040
Speaker 2: couple times when you're working with a client, So talk

468
00:25:08,119 --> 00:25:09,800
Speaker 2: us through some of the work you're doing now, like

469
00:25:09,840 --> 00:25:12,480
Speaker 2: as a holistic coach, what does a session like you

470
00:25:12,560 --> 00:25:15,320
Speaker 2: look like, with a session with you look like? And

471
00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:16,639
Speaker 2: that process.

472
00:25:17,119 --> 00:25:21,040
Speaker 3: Absolutely so specifically, I am a holistic breakup coach. So

473
00:25:21,080 --> 00:25:25,199
Speaker 3: I am not a relationship coach by any means. That

474
00:25:25,320 --> 00:25:28,120
Speaker 3: is not my area of expertise. But what I specifically

475
00:25:28,160 --> 00:25:32,000
Speaker 3: specialize in is I have this thirty minute compatibility call

476
00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:34,080
Speaker 3: where I get to know, Okay, are we a good fit?

477
00:25:34,119 --> 00:25:36,480
Speaker 3: And like I said, now after about eight months, it's

478
00:25:36,480 --> 00:25:38,479
Speaker 3: been about eight months of working with clients, I can

479
00:25:38,520 --> 00:25:40,840
Speaker 3: tell pretty quickly if someone is a good fit for me.

480
00:25:41,080 --> 00:25:43,400
Speaker 3: If someone comes to me and they say I went

481
00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:45,440
Speaker 3: through a breakup or a divorce and it's just hurting,

482
00:25:45,560 --> 00:25:47,800
Speaker 3: but I know that I'm really clear that this was

483
00:25:47,840 --> 00:25:51,520
Speaker 3: the right thing, and I can tell they don't need

484
00:25:51,600 --> 00:25:54,679
Speaker 3: to pay me, they don't need me. Yeah, I only

485
00:25:54,800 --> 00:25:59,480
Speaker 3: work with someone who their brains are going completely out

486
00:25:59,480 --> 00:26:03,480
Speaker 3: of control. They can't stop the self blame, the self criticism,

487
00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:06,600
Speaker 3: the what if I'd just done this one thing differently,

488
00:26:07,160 --> 00:26:10,200
Speaker 3: all of that kind of talk. Because I can also

489
00:26:10,320 --> 00:26:13,160
Speaker 3: see in their bodies the way that they show up

490
00:26:13,359 --> 00:26:15,360
Speaker 3: if they need the kind of work that I do.

491
00:26:15,960 --> 00:26:18,560
Speaker 3: So once I decipher if someone is a good fit,

492
00:26:18,600 --> 00:26:20,879
Speaker 3: then we start working together. And you know, when I

493
00:26:20,920 --> 00:26:23,520
Speaker 3: first started this, I had a more traditional kind of

494
00:26:23,600 --> 00:26:27,560
Speaker 3: coaching style of saying Hey, you pay me this amount

495
00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:30,720
Speaker 3: of money for six weeks a couple months, but I

496
00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:32,920
Speaker 3: really this time goes on. That wasn't the right fit

497
00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:35,720
Speaker 3: for me or my clients because they're all in different stages.

498
00:26:36,200 --> 00:26:39,600
Speaker 3: So I work with people minimum three sessions because we

499
00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:42,480
Speaker 3: do need to move the needle. But after three sessions,

500
00:26:42,520 --> 00:26:44,399
Speaker 3: it's completely up to them. It's much more like a

501
00:26:44,560 --> 00:26:48,000
Speaker 3: sort of therapist approach. But what I do is and

502
00:26:48,040 --> 00:26:50,000
Speaker 3: I actually require all of my clients to work with

503
00:26:50,040 --> 00:26:52,919
Speaker 3: a therapist as well. And my whole program was vetted

504
00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:55,600
Speaker 3: by a licensed therapist. It was co created with her.

505
00:26:56,320 --> 00:26:58,720
Speaker 3: And like I said, everything is pulled from research in

506
00:26:58,760 --> 00:27:01,399
Speaker 3: science or I say, this is my personal opinion. But

507
00:27:01,520 --> 00:27:04,720
Speaker 3: what I do is I take women, and particularly I

508
00:27:04,760 --> 00:27:07,399
Speaker 3: only work with women who are in that sort of

509
00:27:07,440 --> 00:27:11,320
Speaker 3: brain on fire, can't stop obsessing and looping, and we

510
00:27:11,560 --> 00:27:16,560
Speaker 3: create peace and closure and clarity, and we give them

511
00:27:16,600 --> 00:27:18,919
Speaker 3: the tools. I give them the tools to not only

512
00:27:19,320 --> 00:27:22,040
Speaker 3: kind of get over the pass and what happened and

513
00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:25,560
Speaker 3: understand their relationship blueprint is what I call it, but

514
00:27:25,680 --> 00:27:28,120
Speaker 3: tools that they can then take into their next relationship.

515
00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:31,240
Speaker 3: So I am the middleman. I'm not there, you know,

516
00:27:31,320 --> 00:27:35,720
Speaker 3: helping them when the relationship is falling apart, definitely can't

517
00:27:35,760 --> 00:27:38,240
Speaker 3: speak to that, and I'm not there when they are

518
00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:42,000
Speaker 3: dating someone new and you know, getting into a new relationship.

519
00:27:42,080 --> 00:27:44,320
Speaker 3: I usually take them up to the point where they

520
00:27:44,359 --> 00:27:47,399
Speaker 3: have one to two first dates, usually on an app

521
00:27:47,760 --> 00:27:49,920
Speaker 3: and we do the work to establish, you know, what

522
00:27:50,400 --> 00:27:52,439
Speaker 3: their wants and needs and boundaries are, and then I

523
00:27:52,520 --> 00:27:54,679
Speaker 3: kind of send them off into the world.

524
00:27:55,640 --> 00:27:58,320
Speaker 2: And then the book is called Recipes for an Aching Heart,

525
00:27:58,320 --> 00:28:00,080
Speaker 2: which we've mentioned a couple of times, but you if

526
00:28:00,119 --> 00:28:03,600
Speaker 2: you break down your story and then you also give

527
00:28:03,720 --> 00:28:07,760
Speaker 2: a lot of like daily insight tips into you know,

528
00:28:07,880 --> 00:28:10,639
Speaker 2: just some of the ways that you regulate your nervous

529
00:28:10,640 --> 00:28:12,560
Speaker 2: system through the day, some of the things you've learned

530
00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:15,000
Speaker 2: through the process of your healing work. Can you give

531
00:28:15,119 --> 00:28:17,960
Speaker 2: us a couple of the just the big guys of

532
00:28:18,040 --> 00:28:20,199
Speaker 2: like the ones that you find the most important that

533
00:28:20,240 --> 00:28:21,320
Speaker 2: you mentioned in this book.

534
00:28:22,600 --> 00:28:24,760
Speaker 3: Totally, I think one of the best things that you

535
00:28:24,760 --> 00:28:26,960
Speaker 3: can do. Some people tend to have a harder time

536
00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:29,480
Speaker 3: at night, some people in the morning, but I really

537
00:28:29,520 --> 00:28:33,040
Speaker 3: think coming up with a grief specific morning routine is

538
00:28:33,040 --> 00:28:35,600
Speaker 3: one of the most important parts. If you can start

539
00:28:35,640 --> 00:28:40,080
Speaker 3: the day as regulated as possible because reality hits us

540
00:28:40,080 --> 00:28:42,680
Speaker 3: when we come out of dreamland. And often we're dreaming

541
00:28:42,720 --> 00:28:46,240
Speaker 3: about our ex anyway, but reality hits us. And so

542
00:28:46,520 --> 00:28:48,920
Speaker 3: one of the best things you can do. Some things

543
00:28:49,000 --> 00:28:51,680
Speaker 3: it's all you know, what works for you. But things

544
00:28:51,800 --> 00:28:55,840
Speaker 3: like learning some deep breathing like box breathing exercises, learning

545
00:28:55,920 --> 00:28:59,600
Speaker 3: some really simple meditation that works for you, getting immediate

546
00:28:59,640 --> 00:29:03,200
Speaker 3: sunlight outside, making sure you're hydrated, a little bit of

547
00:29:03,240 --> 00:29:05,440
Speaker 3: caffeine if you're a caffeine person, but making sure that

548
00:29:05,440 --> 00:29:10,240
Speaker 3: you're limiting your caffeine intake. And then specifically with my clients,

549
00:29:10,240 --> 00:29:12,200
Speaker 3: I can't get it, it was too much to get

550
00:29:12,200 --> 00:29:16,360
Speaker 3: into in the book, but I do specific writing exercises,

551
00:29:16,400 --> 00:29:19,360
Speaker 3: these kind of thought repatterning exercises as part of their

552
00:29:19,400 --> 00:29:22,040
Speaker 3: morning routine. So that's a really big one. And then

553
00:29:22,080 --> 00:29:25,000
Speaker 3: just some other things to think about are again taking

554
00:29:25,040 --> 00:29:28,000
Speaker 3: a look at Okay, here's my normal, quote healthy routine,

555
00:29:28,000 --> 00:29:30,200
Speaker 3: and here are the things that usually make me feel good.

556
00:29:30,640 --> 00:29:32,880
Speaker 3: And then instead of just doing those because it's what

557
00:29:32,920 --> 00:29:35,800
Speaker 3: you've been doing, asking yourself, does this feel like it's

558
00:29:35,800 --> 00:29:38,480
Speaker 3: serving me? So maybe you're someone who normally loves a

559
00:29:38,520 --> 00:29:41,240
Speaker 3: various boot camper an f forty five class, but that's

560
00:29:41,240 --> 00:29:44,520
Speaker 3: probably not the best fit because that's a huge stressor

561
00:29:44,920 --> 00:29:48,240
Speaker 3: so shifting to you know, especially if you can get outside.

562
00:29:48,280 --> 00:29:53,320
Speaker 3: But walking, hiking, yoga, pilates, all of that can make

563
00:29:53,360 --> 00:29:57,320
Speaker 3: a huge, huge difference. This is also a time as

564
00:29:57,400 --> 00:30:00,560
Speaker 3: much as possible. I'm not anti distractions. I think there's

565
00:30:00,600 --> 00:30:03,360
Speaker 3: a there's a healthy place for you know, Netflix during

566
00:30:03,360 --> 00:30:05,800
Speaker 3: this time. But this is a great time to look

567
00:30:05,840 --> 00:30:08,040
Speaker 3: at your calendar and say, what can what's in? What

568
00:30:08,120 --> 00:30:11,200
Speaker 3: can I say no to? What has to be done?

569
00:30:11,720 --> 00:30:13,600
Speaker 3: And with some of my clients will even come up

570
00:30:13,680 --> 00:30:17,320
Speaker 3: with these must lists where these are the things that

571
00:30:17,360 --> 00:30:19,840
Speaker 3: on a daily basis have to get done, taking medication,

572
00:30:20,160 --> 00:30:23,320
Speaker 3: taking care of a child, and then like a bi

573
00:30:23,440 --> 00:30:27,640
Speaker 3: weekly or a monthly list, paying bills, you know, in

574
00:30:27,920 --> 00:30:30,240
Speaker 3: getting your car inspector whatever it is that's on your

575
00:30:30,280 --> 00:30:34,200
Speaker 3: color and the rest of it, honestly is probably needs

576
00:30:34,240 --> 00:30:35,880
Speaker 3: to go by the wayside for a while.

577
00:30:35,960 --> 00:30:39,440
Speaker 2: Yeah, Yeah, for sure. I love the idea of turning

578
00:30:39,480 --> 00:30:41,640
Speaker 2: pain into purpose. And so much too of what I

579
00:30:41,680 --> 00:30:43,560
Speaker 2: hear you saying, even with when you're working with your

580
00:30:43,560 --> 00:30:46,840
Speaker 2: clients is really developing that relationship with self, you know,

581
00:30:46,880 --> 00:30:48,240
Speaker 2: And I think a lot of times as women we

582
00:30:48,320 --> 00:30:50,880
Speaker 2: miss that as well. It's kind of like you get

583
00:30:50,880 --> 00:30:53,200
Speaker 2: on the fashtack to building a career or whatever it is,

584
00:30:53,240 --> 00:30:54,880
Speaker 2: and then you end up in this point in your

585
00:30:54,880 --> 00:30:57,440
Speaker 2: life where you're like, who am I? What am I doing?

586
00:30:57,480 --> 00:30:59,600
Speaker 2: Do I even like this? So I want to know

587
00:30:59,680 --> 00:31:02,440
Speaker 2: what is it feel like to you now, because I

588
00:31:02,480 --> 00:31:05,240
Speaker 2: do think you've taken your life experience and really gotten

589
00:31:05,280 --> 00:31:08,280
Speaker 2: to know yourself as well, and now you've kind of

590
00:31:08,360 --> 00:31:10,800
Speaker 2: connected that to the work you're doing with this book.

591
00:31:10,840 --> 00:31:12,960
Speaker 2: You have recipes for an aching heart, so it goes

592
00:31:13,000 --> 00:31:15,760
Speaker 2: back to your you know, your culinary stuff as well,

593
00:31:15,880 --> 00:31:18,520
Speaker 2: And so what does that feel like to be so integrated?

594
00:31:20,160 --> 00:31:23,880
Speaker 3: It feels amazing. I mean, it feels absolutely amazing. I

595
00:31:23,920 --> 00:31:27,520
Speaker 3: think it has, you know. So when I look at

596
00:31:27,640 --> 00:31:29,920
Speaker 3: the different books and even my second book, you can

597
00:31:30,000 --> 00:31:33,200
Speaker 3: see kind of the stages of it, and you make

598
00:31:33,280 --> 00:31:35,480
Speaker 3: such a good point. I think what I'm hearing you

599
00:31:35,520 --> 00:31:37,560
Speaker 3: say kind of underneath that is that for a lot

600
00:31:37,600 --> 00:31:41,400
Speaker 3: of women, there was either never a true identity cultivated

601
00:31:41,760 --> 00:31:44,680
Speaker 3: because we are taught to be chameleons and pleasers, and

602
00:31:44,920 --> 00:31:49,160
Speaker 3: often our trauma response is a fond response that's really

603
00:31:49,200 --> 00:31:52,840
Speaker 3: common with women, or we've lost our identity because we've

604
00:31:52,840 --> 00:31:55,160
Speaker 3: been it's been subsumed by the person that we're in

605
00:31:55,240 --> 00:31:57,800
Speaker 3: relationship with. And I'm not even saying it's not that

606
00:31:57,840 --> 00:32:01,040
Speaker 3: person's fault, per se, it's that. And we are taught

607
00:32:01,240 --> 00:32:03,960
Speaker 3: as women, if someone's going to change, it's got to

608
00:32:03,960 --> 00:32:06,000
Speaker 3: be us, right, If someone's going to do the work,

609
00:32:06,040 --> 00:32:08,720
Speaker 3: it's going to be us. If someone needs to twist

610
00:32:08,760 --> 00:32:11,320
Speaker 3: themselves in a pretzel, and we're all doing it silently

611
00:32:11,400 --> 00:32:13,720
Speaker 3: and subtly, we're going to be the ones to twist

612
00:32:13,720 --> 00:32:16,640
Speaker 3: ourselves into a pretzel. And that's why I think this

613
00:32:16,680 --> 00:32:19,080
Speaker 3: has been such a healing experience for me, because it

614
00:32:19,120 --> 00:32:22,840
Speaker 3: has really allowed me to create a much more true

615
00:32:22,840 --> 00:32:26,360
Speaker 3: and authentic, while malleable, I mean, we get to change right,

616
00:32:26,440 --> 00:32:29,640
Speaker 3: but authentic sense of myself. And I see that so

617
00:32:29,800 --> 00:32:32,440
Speaker 3: much in this book. This book is just it's just

618
00:32:32,480 --> 00:32:36,040
Speaker 3: like looser. It's less strict. There's even you know, my

619
00:32:36,120 --> 00:32:38,680
Speaker 3: first book, which I love so much, it is so

620
00:32:39,200 --> 00:32:42,280
Speaker 3: by the book healthy everything is dairy free and gluten

621
00:32:42,320 --> 00:32:46,080
Speaker 3: free and cashew cheese and nutritional yeast and datata. And

622
00:32:46,720 --> 00:32:48,920
Speaker 3: that's just not how I live my life anymore. I

623
00:32:48,960 --> 00:32:52,760
Speaker 3: am someone who really does I Kelly, I feel like,

624
00:32:53,360 --> 00:32:56,680
Speaker 3: ten years into Laury balanced, this is the first time

625
00:32:56,720 --> 00:32:59,880
Speaker 3: where I genuinely feel like I'm living a balanced lifestyle

626
00:33:00,320 --> 00:33:02,040
Speaker 3: after doing this for a decade, is you.

627
00:33:02,040 --> 00:33:05,400
Speaker 2: Know, yeah, yes, Well, I just love that you're being

628
00:33:05,560 --> 00:33:08,120
Speaker 2: so honest about that journey because I feel like, you know,

629
00:33:08,200 --> 00:33:10,600
Speaker 2: as I like I said, as I hear you stop talking,

630
00:33:10,680 --> 00:33:13,000
Speaker 2: I'm like, yes, this is what I went through as well.

631
00:33:13,040 --> 00:33:15,720
Speaker 2: And it is so difficult because I think we just

632
00:33:15,800 --> 00:33:18,760
Speaker 2: have so much comparison on social media and just out

633
00:33:18,760 --> 00:33:21,000
Speaker 2: there in general. So I love that you're bringing the

634
00:33:21,040 --> 00:33:24,000
Speaker 2: honest story to your work life and public life and

635
00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:26,680
Speaker 2: putting that out there. And I also love the work

636
00:33:26,680 --> 00:33:30,760
Speaker 2: that you're doing because I feel like teaching each of

637
00:33:30,840 --> 00:33:32,920
Speaker 2: us and like, you know, women in general is like

638
00:33:33,040 --> 00:33:34,800
Speaker 2: we've been talking about women's I'll keep it on women.

639
00:33:34,840 --> 00:33:37,520
Speaker 2: But like the fact that it's okay to grieve and

640
00:33:37,520 --> 00:33:39,760
Speaker 2: that it's a process and to feel the feelings. I

641
00:33:39,760 --> 00:33:42,400
Speaker 2: think that's such we do each other such a disservice

642
00:33:42,640 --> 00:33:45,320
Speaker 2: when we don't talk about all of that and what

643
00:33:45,440 --> 00:33:48,120
Speaker 2: goes into that, because it is a it is a process,

644
00:33:48,320 --> 00:33:51,400
Speaker 2: and it can be a beautiful process. On the other side,

645
00:33:51,440 --> 00:33:54,360
Speaker 2: like you're I think, experiencing and perfect proof of but

646
00:33:54,440 --> 00:33:58,360
Speaker 2: without the tools and without maybe even the help or insights.

647
00:33:58,720 --> 00:34:02,120
Speaker 2: It's happen that way and it's just not talked about.

648
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Speaker 2: So I really love what you're doing. Thank you for

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Speaker 2: being here with us. Where can people find you if

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Speaker 2: they want to either work with you or just keep

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Speaker 2: up with you on social media things like that.

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Speaker 3: Yes, well, thank you so much for having me, and

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Speaker 3: I would love to connect with anyone who might you know,

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Speaker 3: resonate with some of the things I shared. You can

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Speaker 3: find pretty much all the information on my website about

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00:34:23,400 --> 00:34:25,160
Speaker 3: my books and my consulting. You can just go to

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Speaker 3: my consulting page, book yourself right into my calendar. But

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Speaker 3: I'm also I'm on Instagram at loreally Balance, and I'm

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Speaker 3: also having fun on TikTok, so I actually think TikTok

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Speaker 3: information is kind of more aligned structurally with this type

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Speaker 3: of information, So TikTok as well also loarely balanced.

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Speaker 2: Okay, And I will put all of that in a

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00:34:44,840 --> 00:34:47,600
Speaker 2: description for this podcast again. The book is called Recipes

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Speaker 2: for an Aching Heart. Lourally, thank you for being here.

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Speaker 2: It was so nice to catch up with you again.

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Speaker 3: Thank you, Thank you so much.

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Speaker 1: Thanks for listening to The Velvet's Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson,

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00:34:56,880 --> 00:34:59,360
Speaker 1: where we believe everyone has a little velvet in a

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Speaker 1: little edge. Subscribe for more conversations on life, style, beauty

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Speaker 1: and relationships. Search Velvet's Edge wherever you get your podcasts.