Speaker 1: Hi, Catherine, Hi Chelsea, how are you.
Speaker 2: Oh, we're just packing up, getting ready for summer. My
Speaker 2: house is a it's always every day I come home,
Speaker 2: there's the furniture from the living room has been put
Speaker 2: into the library. The furniture in the library is being
Speaker 2: put in the dining room. Everyone's just testing out different
Speaker 2: areas for different pieces.
Speaker 3: So it's a moving puzzle piece, right, thing is a moving.
Speaker 1: Are you in the design pace?
Speaker 2: Yeah, we are designing. Yes, the house is erect it
Speaker 2: has been erected. We're not done. No, we're still not done.
Speaker 2: It will never be done, but we are closing the
Speaker 2: gap between now and done. And then I had a
Speaker 2: conversation with my cousin Molly yesterday. I was trying to
Speaker 2: figure out whether or not to bring Doug to my
Speaker 2: Orca for the month of June, because I'm going to
Speaker 2: Myorca and I want him to come to my Orca.
Speaker 2: But that's selfish because it's not going to be so
Speaker 2: hot there in June. But there's not a lot of
Speaker 2: grassy areas, so like every morning I have to take
Speaker 2: him down to the end of the thing and find
Speaker 2: this dog park, and he's going to be in a
Speaker 2: new in that house, he's getting pee.
Speaker 1: I was gonna say, how much dog pee do you
Speaker 1: want in your house?
Speaker 2: That's the new house, isn't It's all travertine, so it's okay,
Speaker 2: it's not carpeting. Yeah, but I don't really want to
Speaker 2: clean up dog piss because boys.
Speaker 1: Also it's like not just on the flat surface.
Speaker 3: And yeah, yeah, I know.
Speaker 2: And he's also a lunatic, so I have to bring
Speaker 2: him on a plane, Like, I don't think I can
Speaker 2: do that yet until you get trained. But you can
Speaker 2: hear me talking about you can't you. He's in the
Speaker 2: office right now with his big fat lions Maine.
Speaker 1: That's right, you know, he's just perfect.
Speaker 3: Actually, So what's it like to fly with a dog
Speaker 3: that's dog sized?
Speaker 1: You have to buy him his own seat or something.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I would buy a ticket and we take like
Speaker 2: a honeymoon pot over together, which I'm totally down to do,
Speaker 2: but obviously, because but I just think it's I just
Speaker 2: think it's going to be a disaster.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Plus everyone's going to be all fucked up all the time,
Speaker 2: and then people where's dog? And I lose him and then.
Speaker 1: Yeah, maybe he's an LA dog.
Speaker 3: Yeah, he's a La boy La and whistler. He loves whistler. Oh,
Speaker 3: I'll bet so.
Speaker 1: He saw you posted that. He likes to sleep on
Speaker 1: the patio just because it's like nice and cool.
Speaker 3: That's cool.
Speaker 2: He comes in Sometimes it rains outside, her drizzles and
Speaker 2: he comes in and he's all wet in the morning
Speaker 2: because he comes in the morning in the bed to
Speaker 2: say hello, and then he gets into the bed until
Speaker 2: I let him go outside.
Speaker 1: He probably can't even like feel the wetness because he's
Speaker 1: just like, he's so.
Speaker 3: Beautiful it does. Everything he does is excusable because of
Speaker 3: his good looks.
Speaker 2: I understand now you know why men get away with
Speaker 2: murder because he's a beautiful man and he can do
Speaker 2: no wrong. I took him for a walk yesterday and
Speaker 2: it was like taking a kangaroo for a walk. I mean,
Speaker 2: he is such a lunatic. I have to carry treats
Speaker 2: everywhere I go because that's the only way he comes.
Speaker 2: It's the worst. I have never had a trained dog,
Speaker 2: and now they're going to train him when I'm in Majorca.
Speaker 2: But great, we'll see how that works out. I haven't
Speaker 2: had much success in the past.
Speaker 1: Yeah, he's very smart, though, I feel like he'll pick
Speaker 1: it up.
Speaker 3: Is he smart?
Speaker 1: I don't know yet, just dumb and beautiful.
Speaker 2: Okay, So our guest today is an actress. Her directorial
Speaker 2: debut is called Downtown Owl is streaming now, and you
Speaker 2: can catch her in the upcoming The Great lilyan Hap
Speaker 2: Please welcome Lily Rabe.
Speaker 3: She was my favorite in Love and Death. It was
Speaker 3: so fun. I was on Jimmy Fallon and Robert de Niro.
Speaker 2: It was a tenth anniversary, So Robert de Niro, They're like,
Speaker 2: would you mind being a second guest?
Speaker 3: And I was like, why they go? Because it's a
Speaker 3: tenth in year anniversary and it's Robert de Niro, He's
Speaker 3: the first guest.
Speaker 2: I go, of course, of course, And then I thought, god,
Speaker 2: you know, I really am sexually attracted to Robert de Niro.
Speaker 3: Like I was like, fuck, I don't even want to
Speaker 3: be in the scene.
Speaker 2: I've already made advances towards him publicly, like at the Critics'
Speaker 2: Choice Awards, I talked about how I wanted to, I think,
Speaker 2: sit on his face or something. I don't think I
Speaker 2: said it that way, but that's what I was thinking.
Speaker 2: And then and so I don't want him to see me.
Speaker 3: You know what I mean. I don't want him to
Speaker 3: have to deal with me.
Speaker 2: I just want to say I said to them last night,
Speaker 2: I go, please let me know when he's left the
Speaker 2: building and then I'll leave. And they're like, he's still here.
Speaker 2: He watched your whole segment. Would you like to meet him?
Speaker 2: I go, no, thank you, I'd like to go to
Speaker 2: dinner now. Anyway, we're here with Lily Ray. But which
Speaker 2: There's been a lot of back and forth about how
Speaker 2: we pronounce your last name because it's spelled r abe.
Speaker 3: What kind of name is rape?
Speaker 1: It's German.
Speaker 2: Oh I'm German too, Yeah, spreckensy Deutsch. No spreckency Deutsche.
Speaker 2: I don't sprekanzy Deutsch either, so don't worry. Okay, So
Speaker 2: it's a German name.
Speaker 1: I think it might mean raven or something.
Speaker 4: But yeah, anyway, rab maybe okay, but not like the broccoli.
Speaker 4: But then I like, it's the silent e or my
Speaker 4: as my kids now are they say it's the magic E.
Speaker 4: When I learned it was silenty Now it's magic e.
Speaker 4: But like babe, Rabe, babe, babe babe.
Speaker 3: Okay, so I didn't know you came from like a
Speaker 3: Hollywood family.
Speaker 1: I can't.
Speaker 2: I mean, your mom's a famous actress Jill Klayburg, right,
Speaker 2: I had no idea, So.
Speaker 1: I take that as a compliment.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, I mean, is that was that something
Speaker 2: that you had to struggle with, like with your career
Speaker 2: and stuff, kind of creating your own identity and individuating.
Speaker 4: I think yes, but more emotionally because I had like
Speaker 4: the most wonderful parents and she was amazing at kind
Speaker 4: of separating and she really stopped working for a big chunk.
Speaker 4: So I had like mom and then sometimes people would
Speaker 4: come up to around the street. But it wasn't like
Speaker 4: we weren't like in Hollywood. We weren't living in la
Speaker 4: We were like in the country.
Speaker 3: It's not like your mom was j low is what
Speaker 3: you're saying.
Speaker 1: It's also not like that.
Speaker 3: Yeah, very similar.
Speaker 4: We were in a place where it wasn't you know,
Speaker 4: it's different living out here. It's like it was it's
Speaker 4: like such a it's like a mining town or it's
Speaker 4: it wasn't like that where we were, So there was
Speaker 4: a lot of separation. But yeah, I was like I
Speaker 4: danced and I was a writer, and I was like
Speaker 4: finding all these other ways my dad's a writer too,
Speaker 4: But I was like, you know, how can I have
Speaker 4: my own way towards this thing that ultimately felt kind
Speaker 4: of like where I was headed the whole time.
Speaker 2: But I want to talk about this show that I
Speaker 2: didn't discover you on that show I've seen you in.
Speaker 2: I saw you on an American horror story, and then
Speaker 2: Love and Death. I saw you on the series Love
Speaker 2: and Death, which was such a phenomenal performance that I
Speaker 2: watched it twice, not just with you, Elizabeth Olson. I
Speaker 2: was blown away by every part of that and Jesse Plemens, Yes,
Speaker 2: your performance was just so.
Speaker 3: This was a story that.
Speaker 2: Was based on on a true story about a woman
Speaker 2: about an affair, and then about the woman whose husband
Speaker 2: was cheating finding out about the fair, and then there
Speaker 2: being a fight between the two women and somebody dying
Speaker 2: one of them murdered the other woman and her being
Speaker 2: on trial, and it was she was basically let off
Speaker 2: right found not guilty for temporary insanity, which I always
Speaker 2: have a real problem getting my mind around temporary insanity,
Speaker 2: because okay, so if I lose my shit and a
Speaker 2: lunch because someone pisses me.
Speaker 3: Off and I stabbed someone and they die.
Speaker 4: You didn't stab them once. I mean, it was just
Speaker 4: so many, so many hits. It's like an unbelievable so
Speaker 4: it doesn't feel very temporary.
Speaker 2: It's not temporary at all. I just can't believe that's
Speaker 2: a real thing. It's it's like, even if you lose
Speaker 2: your mind for ten minutes, that's not an excuse.
Speaker 3: You fucking did it. You still did it.
Speaker 1: I agree with you.
Speaker 3: Yeah, But what I.
Speaker 2: Recognized about you in that show is, Hey, you're sole
Speaker 2: because I've seen you in so many different things, and
Speaker 2: you have one of these very interesting faces where you're
Speaker 2: always like, I know who that is, but I don't
Speaker 2: know who that is, and you're like, I think that's
Speaker 2: such an advantage as an actor.
Speaker 3: It's not.
Speaker 2: I don't think it is an advantage of an actor,
Speaker 2: because you can be so mercurial or you can be
Speaker 2: not mercurial.
Speaker 3: What's a shape shifter like a chameleon? Yeah?
Speaker 5: Right?
Speaker 3: Do you feel that way about yourself?
Speaker 4: I mean it's hard to talk about myself, but I
Speaker 4: can say that in the actors that I love watching
Speaker 4: the most, those are the faces that I am sort
Speaker 4: of like the most attracted to as a viewer. I
Speaker 4: love when a face kind of surprises me all the time.
Speaker 4: That's such a high compliment, And like Julianne Moore is
Speaker 4: like that, she's just and you never and you're constantly
Speaker 4: surprised by her.
Speaker 3: Yeah, she's in her character every step of the life.
Speaker 4: She's a character actress who plays leading ladies, and to me,
Speaker 4: that's like the most wonderful thing to be. But you're
Speaker 4: really approaching like everything through character, and she's a great
Speaker 4: example of that. I think Nicole ca Men too, who's
Speaker 4: like definitely one of the most beautiful women on the planet.
Speaker 4: But I still feel every time I watch her, Yes,
Speaker 4: I'm just watching this absolutely new, surprising creation.
Speaker 2: Yeah, she's like that too, you get It's funny. I
Speaker 2: once saw I was watching Meryl Streep in this I
Speaker 2: forget which movie it was, and I saw her do
Speaker 2: this thing that only Meryl Streep does, but she was
Speaker 2: in character, and I got so upset because I was like, wait,
Speaker 2: you just revealed that you're Meryl Streep. She does this
Speaker 2: thing where she like scratches or touches her nose. It
Speaker 2: was some gesticulation, and I remember being so upset with her,
Speaker 2: and then I was like, you can't be upset with
Speaker 2: Meryl streep stup it like she's a gift to all
Speaker 2: of us, you know, the gift that keeps on giving.
Speaker 2: Talk about somebody who like cannot every time that woman
Speaker 2: does anything. She should be nominated just by being around
Speaker 2: for this long and being so revered.
Speaker 3: But I did see that you're directing your very first project.
Speaker 3: This is your directorial debut.
Speaker 4: Yes, co directorial debut with my life partner, baby Daddy.
Speaker 3: Baby Daddy.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 4: Also we've worked together a lot and then we directed
Speaker 4: this movie together. I was in it, he's in it
Speaker 4: very briefly. I was in it a lot.
Speaker 3: It's called Downtown Owl.
Speaker 1: Yes.
Speaker 3: And where is it streaming?
Speaker 4: It's on Apple and Amazon. And there's one other one
Speaker 4: that I'm forgetting.
Speaker 2: Oh, I didn't know that you could do that. You
Speaker 2: could put it on multiple It is on multiple We
Speaker 2: have to buy it. Oh okay, Oh I rent I
Speaker 2: see I see rent it? Okay, buy it?
Speaker 1: Don't rent it by yea, buy it?
Speaker 3: Okay, buy it everybody.
Speaker 4: But it was adapted. We I optioned this Chuck Closterman
Speaker 4: book many years ago. I had done the audio book
Speaker 4: when I was like doing a lot of Feeder and
Speaker 4: wanted to make a little extra money. I asked my
Speaker 4: agents how I could do that, and they said, well,
Speaker 4: audiobooks are you know?
Speaker 1: Some people love them, hate them. I like loved doing them.
Speaker 3: Mind you doing my audio book?
Speaker 6: Oh?
Speaker 3: I can hate recording audio.
Speaker 1: Really.
Speaker 2: I just don't like being in that booth for that
Speaker 2: many hours. But you just said you love it, right,
Speaker 2: I do.
Speaker 3: I love that.
Speaker 1: I don't know. I love being alone. I being alone
Speaker 1: feels very I mean, I.
Speaker 4: Know there's someone there, but they're Yeah, but your children aren't,
Speaker 4: no one.
Speaker 3: How many children do you have? Three?
Speaker 1: I have, well four, I have three?
Speaker 3: Uh, you have another one on your I have three.
Speaker 4: Out of my body. I've step daughter too. Oh, yes,
Speaker 4: I love her. I love being a step mom too.
Speaker 3: Four is a great number for children.
Speaker 1: It's great.
Speaker 3: I'm from six. I like that.
Speaker 2: I like anything above three. Yeah, three, four or five six.
Speaker 2: I just think it's it just is so joyful when
Speaker 2: you have that many kids.
Speaker 4: You know, I camber the parents just outnumber them, my
Speaker 4: parents anything.
Speaker 1: It's great.
Speaker 4: It's just like beautiful chaos all the time, and everything
Speaker 4: happens so quickly, and I don't know, I love it.
Speaker 4: But anyway, we directed this movie together and my my
Speaker 4: latest and I'll say probably last baby was because Hamish
Speaker 4: did say recently, like are my eldest?
Speaker 1: Asked for one more? And he was like, literally over
Speaker 1: my dead body.
Speaker 3: So how old is your young?
Speaker 4: He loves he loves, he loves it too. Two. But
Speaker 4: was three weeks old when we started shooting. Oh three
Speaker 4: weeks wow, so you're bastfeeding.
Speaker 1: As breastfeating, I was bleeding.
Speaker 4: I mean it was like three weeks like basically he
Speaker 4: was still coming out of my box, So you're bleeding.
Speaker 6: I was.
Speaker 3: He was like he was like women, the things that
Speaker 3: women are capable of.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, because three weeks and he was big.
Speaker 4: But it was I had him at home and I
Speaker 4: was like on a zoom meeting like I think eight
Speaker 4: hours later or something doing remote h wow, location scouting.
Speaker 2: Now when you have three babies, yeah, through your Pikachu,
Speaker 2: are you is it not a big deal like once
Speaker 2: you've been down the road or is it scarier because you.
Speaker 3: Know what's coming?
Speaker 1: I mean my vagina like like like a bird, you
Speaker 1: said birthing at home.
Speaker 2: I'm not actually talking to your vagina, but I'm talking
Speaker 2: about your vagina. Like you said you had the baby
Speaker 2: at home, so there's a level of confidence that comes
Speaker 2: with that to be able to birth at home or
Speaker 2: say declare that you're going to do that.
Speaker 4: Yeah. Yeah, And each I had, like my first labor
Speaker 4: was crazed, like forty five hours. The second one was
Speaker 4: like twenty Like they just it just kept have having
Speaker 4: so it was like forty five, I have twenty two
Speaker 4: and then like eleven eleven or ten or twelve or something,
Speaker 4: which felt to someone and they're like, that's so long.
Speaker 4: I had my baby in two hours, But to me
Speaker 4: that was like pretty fast.
Speaker 3: And how were those experiences for you?
Speaker 4: I've gosh, you know, it's like I'm not a person
Speaker 4: who I had this amazing doctor who really he matched
Speaker 4: my personality so well because he is like half hippie,
Speaker 4: half total neurotic.
Speaker 1: Which I think I am.
Speaker 4: M So he would have like I could be in
Speaker 4: the bathtub and we're all at home and the kids
Speaker 4: are there, and he like showed up to my house
Speaker 4: with like a paper bag of like a couple of tools.
Speaker 4: But I also knew that he would he would like
Speaker 4: call me always the next day and be like I
Speaker 4: left it there. I have a video of Hamish like
Speaker 4: giving him directions while I'm screaming in labor in the
Speaker 4: background to my house for like the fortieth time that
Speaker 4: I'll treasure forever. He's like, oh, you've we've passed the
Speaker 4: girls know you've gone too far. But I also I
Speaker 4: knew that he was not going to push it, like
Speaker 4: we would go to the hospital if we needed to.
Speaker 3: I'm always just amazed. But anyone says like home delivery,
Speaker 3: I'm always like, what do you know that? I don't know?
Speaker 3: That sounds so scary, Like I want to many.
Speaker 2: Not that I'm having a baby obviously, but if I
Speaker 2: had one, I would want as many doctors medical professionals
Speaker 2: as possible, which.
Speaker 4: I completely understand. I just yeah, I loved. I loved
Speaker 4: being at home, but not like I loved. I mean,
Speaker 4: it's it hurts so much.
Speaker 3: I'm not like, and then I you know, and you're
Speaker 3: having a natural birth. Yeah it hurts. You're having a
Speaker 3: natural childbirth at home?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I mean the whole thing.
Speaker 2: Yeah, no, there's nothing and the kids are they there
Speaker 2: when you're sitting there in contractions and screaming your other kids?
Speaker 3: Or do you how does that work?
Speaker 6: Yeah?
Speaker 4: You know it went on for so long, like we
Speaker 4: blacked out all the way. I was like, I can't
Speaker 4: know if the sun is rising or setting at this
Speaker 4: point because this is never going to end. But yeah,
Speaker 4: they would come in, like with the last one they
Speaker 4: were they were there, particularly my eldest was my stepdaughter.
Speaker 7: No.
Speaker 4: She was like, you guys can give me a call
Speaker 4: on the babies out, I'm going to my mom's. But
Speaker 4: one of them like slept through so much screaming it
Speaker 4: was unbelievable and sort of like right when the baby
Speaker 4: came out like came in.
Speaker 1: I don't know.
Speaker 4: They must have some sense of like those screams and
Speaker 4: noises because they're so close to them that they know
Speaker 4: the difference between like she's not actually yeah, dying or
Speaker 4: something in a way that maybe even adults don't know.
Speaker 4: It feels like cosmic in that way a little bit,
Speaker 4: because they like whatever they they've been through it.
Speaker 1: And they're nearer to it. Right. Yeah, yeah that rings
Speaker 1: a bell.
Speaker 3: That's interesting. But that's an interesting way to look.
Speaker 1: At it, right, because like if a neighbor hurts, right,
Speaker 1: they would.
Speaker 3: Be like, Okay, what's going on over there?
Speaker 4: Absolutely, and Hamah should always like very He was always like, well,
Speaker 4: she's gone into the Gorillas in the mist.
Speaker 6: Z which.
Speaker 2: Gorillas in the mist is always a good Okay, So
Speaker 2: how was the experience directing Downtown Owl. You were telling
Speaker 2: me about the book, Tell me a little bit more
Speaker 2: about it. What's the story?
Speaker 1: I was easier than child, No, no, it was. It
Speaker 1: was hard.
Speaker 4: But anyway, So it's eighties, middle of nowhere, tiny, tiny
Speaker 4: little town. Everyone knows everything, and this woman comes in
Speaker 4: to sort of temporarily teach there. We don't really know
Speaker 4: if she's running away from something, what she's doing there.
Speaker 4: During the course of it, she has her students, she
Speaker 4: meets Ed Harris's character and the who so.
Speaker 3: Thet I love Ed Harris. He's another older man that
Speaker 3: I'm attracted to.
Speaker 1: Well, you know, you see is is it Ed Harris?
Speaker 1: The old Ed Harris the beautiful in the movie?
Speaker 3: You see his butt?
Speaker 2: Oh okay, I've been attracted to Ed Harris for a
Speaker 2: long time, along with Robert, along with Robert de Niro.
Speaker 2: Older men are my that is my media.
Speaker 1: But Ed is like, that's the most beautiful face.
Speaker 3: He's got the best dimples and his eyes. Yes, and
Speaker 3: he's so sweet, oh yeah, yeah, And.
Speaker 1: He's the greatest factory is a legend is.
Speaker 3: He single, no, no, and a long time. That's the greatest. Yeah,
Speaker 3: I would imagine that to be true.
Speaker 4: And then during the course of the film, she sort
Speaker 4: of falls in love with this town and I think
Speaker 4: is kind of confronted with her life where she's at,
Speaker 4: what she actually wants, what she's missing. And then there
Speaker 4: is a big snowstorm that comes and what's the town
Speaker 4: out based on an actual storm that did happen.
Speaker 3: In North Dakota.
Speaker 1: Yeah, this is like.
Speaker 3: Dakota.
Speaker 2: It's too cold up there, and I like Canada's, but
Speaker 2: North Dakota something is happening.
Speaker 3: There's like a vortex of cold cold.
Speaker 4: We shot in Minnesota and it was cold cold, and
Speaker 4: we had to we needed it to be cold because
Speaker 4: we had to sort of beat like the We couldn't
Speaker 4: have blossoms on the trees, so we needed to be freezing.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Well, I'm sure it's going to be an incredible performance
Speaker 2: and I will be renting it. It's available now, right,
Speaker 2: it's available now, it's available now. Okay, I'll be renting
Speaker 2: it tonight via Apple or Amazon.
Speaker 1: Thanks.
Speaker 3: Okay, So that's one project that you have. The other
Speaker 3: project is The Great Lilian Hall.
Speaker 4: So tell us about how much just this is all
Speaker 4: like very new news because I think they just announced
Speaker 4: that it's that you're going to be starring in that
Speaker 4: that it's going to be on HBO soon at May
Speaker 4: thirty first, And that was with Jessica Lang and Kathy Bates.
Speaker 1: I play her daughter.
Speaker 2: Okay, let's just back up about Jessica Lang and Kathy
Speaker 2: Bates too. I mean, you're working with legends, thanks Ed Harris,
Speaker 2: Jessica Lang, Kathy Bates. I know, I'm working with Robert
Speaker 2: de Niro.
Speaker 7: You are.
Speaker 4: And they have the best stories too, Like there's nothing
Speaker 4: you know, I just gosh, they really because you The
Speaker 4: stories are so romantic about how movies used to be made,
Speaker 4: so I just like to bask in those stories. But yes,
Speaker 4: I played Jessica's daughter, and I loved her so much.
Speaker 4: I love Kathy so much. It was really a wonderful shoot.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I've hung out with Kathy Bates. I had a
Speaker 3: couple of drinks with her. She's a lot of fun,
Speaker 3: so much fun. She's exactly what you would imagine, right,
Speaker 3: so much fun just from Sayer and all of her roles.
Speaker 2: I love when people exactly how you picture them. I
Speaker 2: mean you know, sometimes you meet somebody and you're like,
Speaker 2: I wish.
Speaker 3: I hadn't met that person.
Speaker 2: That was a disappointment, or but they when they live
Speaker 2: up to your expectations, it's really like joyful.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Now with your experience as a mother, right, how old
Speaker 3: is your oldest.
Speaker 1: So seven turning four and two three and.
Speaker 3: A half two, so little ones? And your stepdaughter's how old?
Speaker 3: Seventeen seventeen.
Speaker 2: So I've had a lot of relationships that have had children,
Speaker 2: and I love that dynamic, Like I love to step
Speaker 2: into that role, like I less pressure, you know, more,
Speaker 2: more reward almost you know what I mean. You have
Speaker 2: to do not less of the work once you're married
Speaker 2: to them. Obviously it's an equal amount of work that
Speaker 2: you are. You know, you have another kid. But talk
Speaker 2: to me about acclimating into that role. Like of becoming
Speaker 2: a stepmother.
Speaker 4: I had that my mother was a stepmother to my
Speaker 4: older brother. I have a younger full brother and an
Speaker 4: older half brother, and my older brother lived with us mostly.
Speaker 4: Of course I didn't realize at the time, but then
Speaker 4: becoming a stepmother and had I had lost my mother
Speaker 4: by that point. But it was this amazing gift because
Speaker 4: it just all made sense to me. It felt really
Speaker 4: natural and sort of like, oh, this is something I'm
Speaker 4: supposed to do because I don't really have a lot
Speaker 4: of stepmother friends I've realized, but I kind of communicate
Speaker 4: in the way that one does with my mother about
Speaker 4: the experience even though she's not around, Like I'm constantly
Speaker 4: reflecting or being getting these hits of like times that
Speaker 4: she was a stepmother, which was all the time basically,
Speaker 4: so I love it. I also it can be tough
Speaker 4: because I'm the third vote, Like if there's a decision
Speaker 4: to be made, I know I'll get like the third vote.
Speaker 4: But I also get all the truth, Like I know
Speaker 4: the truth about everything that's going on.
Speaker 3: Ah, right, right, I can relate to that as an aunt,
Speaker 3: I get all the truth.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yes, yes, that's a very it's a very maternal
Speaker 2: role to be in, right, even though it is it
Speaker 2: is a maternal role, but that's where your maternal instinct
Speaker 2: comes in, you know, with younger women, younger girls. For me,
Speaker 2: I know, especially like I feel very very protective of
Speaker 2: young women and helping them bloom, you know, helping them
Speaker 2: with their confidence and like helping them come into their
Speaker 2: own Like there's nothing better than like a sixteen seventeen
Speaker 2: year old girl that's blossoming.
Speaker 3: My ex boyfriend had two girls.
Speaker 2: One of my ex boyfriends had two daughters, and I'm
Speaker 2: so close still to one of them, and we broke
Speaker 2: up like ten years ago.
Speaker 3: She's in her thirties now. Her name is Alessandra, and she's.
Speaker 2: My baby, like she is my baby, Like I don't
Speaker 2: look at her as a friend or as a younger sister.
Speaker 3: I look at her as my stepdaughter, you know.
Speaker 2: And I don't know why that lens helps me to
Speaker 2: like prioritize her, But just because she is like that,
Speaker 2: she has a special position in my life that nobody
Speaker 2: else has.
Speaker 1: No so lucky to have you.
Speaker 4: It's like it's a really wonderful dynamic. I'm so grateful
Speaker 4: for it.
Speaker 3: How did you meet your husband?
Speaker 4: Well, I met him because he had worked with my mom. Actually,
Speaker 4: but I met him, he said, I was like texting
Speaker 4: the whole time, like we just met and didn't get
Speaker 4: to know him. But he was like my mom's friend.
Speaker 4: They loved each other, and they worked together twice actually.
Speaker 4: But then however, many years later, like probably I don't know,
Speaker 4: I want to say, like seven years after they had
Speaker 4: done play together. We were cast opposite one another in
Speaker 4: the Merchant of Venice.
Speaker 3: Which you were nominated for Tony four, right.
Speaker 4: Ultimately, like it started in the park with al Pacino,
Speaker 4: then we transferred to Broadway. Hamish didn't come to Broadway,
Speaker 4: David Harbor. Hamish went to make Battleship. David Harbor replaced him.
Speaker 4: So it was like, you know, two great actors in
Speaker 4: that role. And then we ran on Broadway for a
Speaker 4: while doing Merchant of Venice. But that's how I got
Speaker 4: to know Hamish. We weren't dating, but that's like and
Speaker 4: then we did play after play after play together. So
Speaker 4: we love working together, like that thing of don't bring
Speaker 4: your work home, where like we just bring the work
Speaker 4: all the time, and we love it and we keep
Speaker 4: wanting to do more and more together. So and it's
Speaker 4: funny like life. We create jobs to do together and
Speaker 4: we go to you know, we pitch things and we're
Speaker 4: developed things. But then like we get cast opposite one
Speaker 4: another just randomly from the outside world a lot.
Speaker 3: Hmm. That's interesting. Are you into past lives and all
Speaker 3: that stuff? Regression a little bit? Ya, Do you think
Speaker 3: that you guys have had lives together? Have you looked
Speaker 3: into that. Yeah, that's interesting.
Speaker 2: I'm just starting to believe it because the stories you
Speaker 2: hear are just like, they're just ridiculous, you know, not
Speaker 2: even that book Many Lives, Many Masters is a book
Speaker 2: we've mentioned a lot, which everyone I'm sure you've read,
Speaker 2: but beyond that, like the stories that I hear about
Speaker 2: past life regressionists, I'm like, oh god, I just really
Speaker 2: don't want to fucking come back again.
Speaker 3: So I'm trying to make this the last visit.
Speaker 2: You know, every time I hear someone tell a story,
Speaker 2: I'm like, oh no, oh no, I'm going to be
Speaker 2: born somewhere in some country that I don't want.
Speaker 3: To be in, and it's going to be a struggle
Speaker 3: because this is the one.
Speaker 7: Well.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so I talk to a guy and he goes,
Speaker 2: if you want this to be your last life, you've
Speaker 2: got to double down on your spirituality, like double down
Speaker 2: and get as spiritual as possible.
Speaker 3: And I was like, all right, I'm already I'm on
Speaker 3: that road, and I'll take it more seriously.
Speaker 1: So it makes sense be a good last one, like
Speaker 1: you're really going out with a bang.
Speaker 3: So I'm a I'm so so grateful for this life.
Speaker 3: I'm so happy. I just want to go to sleep now.
Speaker 3: I mean not now, but when this is over, I
Speaker 3: want to go to sleep peacefully.
Speaker 1: Okay, she's just tired.
Speaker 3: And on that note, we'll take a break and we'll
Speaker 3: be right back.
Speaker 1: This week.
Speaker 8: We'd love to get questions from anyone with parenting questions
Speaker 8: or step parenting questions. We'd also like to hear from
Speaker 8: any trans or non binary folks who would like advice
Speaker 8: from Chelsea, whether that be about friendships, dating, work issues,
Speaker 8: or anything else. Right into Dear Chelsea Podcast at gmail
Speaker 8: dot com, and we're.
Speaker 2: Back with Lily Rabe, who is a delight and so talented.
Speaker 2: I mean, I mean that's where you started. It was
Speaker 2: the theater, right, I mean everybody knows you from that.
Speaker 2: I mean you've been in so many plays and you
Speaker 2: must just really love doing that.
Speaker 1: I really love it.
Speaker 4: I really miss it. It's been a long time since
Speaker 4: I've done a play. I never thought I would be
Speaker 4: away from the theater for this long.
Speaker 3: And what is it about it that you love?
Speaker 5: You know?
Speaker 4: It's like I love process so much. I hate being
Speaker 4: done with things. I hate letting go of things, which
Speaker 4: is a total blessing and curse. But with the theater,
Speaker 4: when you're doing a play, you never you're just in
Speaker 4: process the whole time. You never have to sort of
Speaker 4: you know, you're never like moving on from the scene
Speaker 4: or handing it over. You get to revisit it the
Speaker 4: next night, the next night, the next night, and keep
Speaker 4: trying things and have the experience of what it is
Speaker 4: to say those words in front of a completely different
Speaker 4: sea of people and have that relationship.
Speaker 3: And I love that.
Speaker 4: And then it's sad because when it's over, it's like
Speaker 4: those sand sculptures, like it's just gone.
Speaker 3: So just an interesting metaphor for life, really.
Speaker 4: Yeah, rather than like and then I had it on
Speaker 4: the other side editing this movie where I would be
Speaker 4: looking at Ed Harris and I'm like, but I have
Speaker 4: four takes that are like, they're all the greatest things
Speaker 4: I've ever seen, and I have to choose one, and
Speaker 4: you know which one it should be, and there's a
Speaker 4: reason for it, and you're you know, the movie is
Speaker 4: sort of talking to in the edit, and that was
Speaker 4: such an amazing process.
Speaker 1: But I find that, you know, I like choosing the best.
Speaker 4: It's like, well, there is no the best, but then
Speaker 4: the rest of them they have to disappear and at
Speaker 4: least with the theater.
Speaker 1: You're like, well, I tried that, and I'll try this.
Speaker 2: I'll try something different. Yeoh yeah, Okay, Well, let's take
Speaker 2: some callers.
Speaker 6: Catherine shout absolutely well. Our first question comes from Heather.
Speaker 6: Heather says, should I change my son's name? Dear Chelsea,
Speaker 6: I'm on a bit of a sticky wicket. I'm a
Speaker 6: single mom by choice with a boyfriend who's been in
Speaker 6: the picture since I was five or six months pregnant.
Speaker 6: We dated before I decided to have a baby, broke up,
Speaker 6: and he came back after finding out I was pregnant
Speaker 6: thanks to Facebook. He's been a father to my son,
Speaker 6: and an amazing one at that. He loves my son,
Speaker 6: now three, more than anything and takes great pride in
Speaker 6: his relationship and care of him. He's changed diapers, willingly,
Speaker 6: picked him up when I got stuck at work, and
Speaker 6: just been super attentive in a good way. The irony
Speaker 6: is the part of the reason that we didn't work
Speaker 6: out in round one is he wasn't sure he wanted kids.
Speaker 6: Well apparently he did, and my son is equally in
Speaker 6: love with my boyfriend.
Speaker 1: It's a really beautiful thing to watch. Here's the issue.
Speaker 1: We were talking.
Speaker 6: Recently about the future, and he thought that if we
Speaker 6: get married, we'd both change our last names to his Burger.
Speaker 6: I thought he knew that my son and I would
Speaker 6: keep my last name, which is Cook. I agonized over
Speaker 6: what to name my son, and I really love his name.
Speaker 6: I appreciate my boyfriend's feelings and that he would formally
Speaker 6: adopt my son when we got married. Hyphenating isn't an
Speaker 6: option Cook Burger, I mean, And while we're both Democrats,
Speaker 6: I don't think he's.
Speaker 1: Quite progressive enough to take my name.
Speaker 6: I could tell that my boyfriend was hurt when I
Speaker 6: said we'd be keeping my name, and I do want
Speaker 6: to honor the father he's been to my son. But
Speaker 6: the other part of me loves my son's name. It
Speaker 6: feels a bit of haven't all the things I did solo,
Speaker 6: like egg retrieval at thirty eight doctor's appointments, shots and
Speaker 6: more painful shots appointments alone during COVID spending the money
Speaker 6: earned me the right to decide his name. Like I said,
Speaker 6: Sticky Wicket, curious for your take on this. It's new
Speaker 6: territory for me and my family. Thank you, Heather.
Speaker 2: Well, first of all, you have no yes, keep the
Speaker 2: name whatever you want the name to be. You did
Speaker 2: this on your own without him. It's great that he's
Speaker 2: back in the picture. It's great that he's an act
Speaker 2: of father. That's wonderful. I couldn't be happier for you.
Speaker 2: He can get over it.
Speaker 4: Now. I was gonna say, I'm not married technically, even
Speaker 4: if we were, I wouldn't change my name. But my
Speaker 4: kids have Hamish's last name because I wanted them to
Speaker 4: have the same name as my stepdaughter. But Hamish has
Speaker 4: his mother's name because he was the only child of
Speaker 4: a single mother.
Speaker 2: So and I also think it's just all mixy and
Speaker 2: MATCHI these days, it doesn't matter, like that's the least
Speaker 2: of the worries, like I understand.
Speaker 3: But he could get over it. So that's that's the
Speaker 3: end of that story.
Speaker 1: And it sounds like he's great and he will and
Speaker 1: he will.
Speaker 2: Yeah, based on his based on his actions, it sounds
Speaker 2: like he's going to be great at getting over it.
Speaker 7: All.
Speaker 6: Right, Well, there you go, Heather. Our first caller today
Speaker 6: is Shannon. Kind of have this theme of what makes
Speaker 6: a family. But Shannon says, Dear Chelsea. I'm a thirty
Speaker 6: five year old mom in northern California. I've been with
Speaker 6: the love of my life for about three years now.
Speaker 6: I didn't know what was possible to be this happy
Speaker 6: in a relationship.
Speaker 1: I have kids.
Speaker 6: I know like positive affirmations. Yeah, I have kids from
Speaker 6: a previous relationship and he does not. Also, my tubes
Speaker 6: are tied and I'm not interested in having any more children.
Speaker 6: He's accepted this and sees my kids as his own.
Speaker 6: They call him dad, and his relationship with them is beautiful.
Speaker 6: My ex husband pays one thousand dollars a month in
Speaker 6: state mandated child support, but that's where his involvement ends.
Speaker 6: He makes zero effort to see them and hardly ever
Speaker 6: even bothers to call. He didn't even call them on
Speaker 6: the holidays this year. Thankfully, my kids now have my
Speaker 6: boyfriend in their life. We plan to get married soon,
Speaker 6: and he's mentioned wishing he could adopt them because I
Speaker 6: know I'm unable to give him a chance to have
Speaker 6: kids of his own. I would love to make the
Speaker 6: adoption happen for him. My kids absolutely love him and
Speaker 6: see him as their dad. They were only two and
Speaker 6: three when I left their birth father. My question, do
Speaker 6: I have the right to ask their birth father to
Speaker 6: sign over his parental rights since he isn't involved in
Speaker 6: their life anyway?
Speaker 1: Thanks Shannon, Hi, how are you?
Speaker 3: This is our special guest Lily Ray.
Speaker 6: Hi.
Speaker 2: I think that's a great idea. I think your situation
Speaker 2: sounds awesome. First of all, congrats on everything. You have
Speaker 2: great children, you've got a great partner, and you've got
Speaker 2: an ex husband. Sounds like he probably will be relieved
Speaker 2: to be relieved of any child sport. Does that stop
Speaker 2: his child support once that happens?
Speaker 7: I think so.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: So I think you have every right to ask him. Absolutely.
Speaker 2: Have the kids spent any time with him in recent years?
Speaker 5: He has never gone out of his way, Like maybe
Speaker 5: six months ago, he lives about three hours away and
Speaker 5: I was over there, so I called him and they
Speaker 5: went over there for a little bit.
Speaker 3: I see, never gone out of his way to get
Speaker 3: them or anything like that.
Speaker 2: Okay, Well, I mean it's a totally reasonable question for you,
Speaker 2: a request actually for you to ask him.
Speaker 3: Anything wrong with that. I don't know what he's going
Speaker 3: to say, obviously.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I think it might hurt his ego a bit, But.
Speaker 2: Well, yes, because he's a man and he has one
Speaker 2: and it will hurt his ego. But you know, maybe
Speaker 2: if you give him some time to think about it
Speaker 2: and don't demand an answer right away, this will relieve
Speaker 2: you of your child support payments.
Speaker 3: You know they're very close with him. I don't want
Speaker 3: to offend you.
Speaker 2: I don't want to hurt your feelings, but if this
Speaker 2: is something you're open to, this is something that's come
Speaker 2: up in our conversations, and you know, we totally want
Speaker 2: you in on this decision.
Speaker 3: Yeah, okay, you know, inclusivity.
Speaker 2: Bring him into the decision making, make him feel like
Speaker 2: he's actually having a say in it.
Speaker 7: Yeah. And he has other kids now, so, like I
Speaker 7: know he would love to spend his money on them.
Speaker 3: Great.
Speaker 2: Mention that too, Mention that too, Yeah, you know that
Speaker 2: sounds like that that will work in your favor as well. Yeah.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 6: And emphasizing what a healthy relationship your kids have with
Speaker 6: your boyfriend and that I think that would be great. Chelsea,
Speaker 6: is this do you think this is an email? Is
Speaker 6: this a handwritten letter? What kind of communication.
Speaker 2: I'd like an email? I? No, No, I think emails
Speaker 2: are nice. Are you comfortable writing that kind of email?
Speaker 2: Or would you rather talk to him?
Speaker 7: No, I'd definitely rather be an email or a text message.
Speaker 3: I don't think a text message is right to give
Speaker 3: up your children, but I think an email.
Speaker 2: Is more appropriate because you can make all of your
Speaker 2: points and then wrap it up nicely, you know, like, again,
Speaker 2: this is not my decision, it's up to you, but
Speaker 2: this is what we're proposing, and this is what we'd
Speaker 2: be willing to do and be very coddling to a
Speaker 2: man whose ego is you know, a factor.
Speaker 5: True.
Speaker 2: Yes, I don't want to say manipulate, but sometimes you
Speaker 2: have to manipulate men in order for them to think
Speaker 2: it was their decision. And that's not the advice that
Speaker 2: I would stand next to and be like, yes, I
Speaker 2: say that, but you know what I'm talking about, so
Speaker 2: just do it.
Speaker 7: Yeah, okay, Yeah.
Speaker 6: One last thing I would say is if he is
Speaker 6: sort of upset about it at first, give it like
Speaker 6: three to six months and come back to him again
Speaker 6: again with the same like loving kindness and like we
Speaker 6: thought this.
Speaker 1: Would be great for you.
Speaker 6: It's your decision, but it would help make our house
Speaker 6: a home, right, Yeah, give him some time to process and.
Speaker 2: Make sure you accent the part about him being able
Speaker 2: to do this now with his new children. He can
Speaker 2: shift his focus and his money to them so that
Speaker 2: they can create the same environment that you guys have
Speaker 2: created in your home.
Speaker 3: Right, Okay, that's the kind of manipulation I'm talking about. Well,
Speaker 3: good luck with that.
Speaker 1: Thank you, Shannon.
Speaker 3: Thank you, Shannon. Let us know how it goes. Yeah,
Speaker 3: I well, thank you, Okay, bye bye, Lily.
Speaker 6: Do you have any thoughts on that as far as
Speaker 6: making a house a home, incorporating family, maybe in a
Speaker 6: less traditional way.
Speaker 1: Listen, I you know, I guess we sort of have.
Speaker 4: I have a very untraditional home in a way because
Speaker 4: we're not married, but it doesn't.
Speaker 1: Are you not in a marriage? No, you're not.
Speaker 4: We're not married, but maybe we'll get married. We had
Speaker 4: sort of like compelling reasons not to do it. Those
Speaker 4: reasons are becoming less and less compelling, and now our
Speaker 4: my eldest is asking about it. But then the other
Speaker 4: day she was like, but why would you get married
Speaker 4: or already married? And I was like, right, right, kind of,
Speaker 4: I mean that's sort of how I feel. But I
Speaker 4: think that this sort of I don't know how to
Speaker 4: even define traditional. It's like, you know, he was raised
Speaker 4: in a sort of theater commune. It was by a
Speaker 4: single mother. I guess mine was slightly My parents were married,
Speaker 4: but they were it was my dad's second marriage.
Speaker 1: We had my stepbrother living with us. They're artists, like
Speaker 1: you know.
Speaker 2: I just feel like the definition of family values is
Speaker 2: a moving is a moving definition, and for everybody, like
Speaker 2: what we're told is traditional and correct isn't right for Everybody's.
Speaker 1: So personal and I think so often it's like, what
Speaker 1: are you doing for other people?
Speaker 7: You know?
Speaker 4: Often I will just call him my husband just for yes,
Speaker 4: to take of the other person. It doesn't I'm perfectly
Speaker 4: fine to do it, but it's like I don't wanna.
Speaker 4: I want the other person to feel comfortable because I
Speaker 4: have had people say when I'm like, well, my boyfriend,
Speaker 4: They're like, oh, what happened to the father?
Speaker 3: I'm like, no, the father, yeah yeah, so, but.
Speaker 4: I feel like so much of that or like you know,
Speaker 4: when divorces go well, but then there's all this.
Speaker 1: I don't know.
Speaker 4: The way you have to take care of other people
Speaker 4: is so much of it, and I don't it shouldn't
Speaker 4: be like that. It should be you taking care of
Speaker 4: your family and whatever that looks.
Speaker 2: Like I think that that applies what you're saying to
Speaker 2: so many things with babies, with pregnancies, with your dating
Speaker 2: wirth question.
Speaker 4: It's like when people I'm not like pro homeworth, it
Speaker 4: was like, right, you're a doula, but I'm not.
Speaker 1: You know, It's it's I'm.
Speaker 4: Very kind of wary of when people say, well, this
Speaker 4: is the way to do it, and yes, with pregnancy,
Speaker 4: well this will happen. What do you mean this will happen?
Speaker 4: This is what happened to you, this is what so yeah,
Speaker 4: it's like it's just so personal and specific.
Speaker 2: And it's so nuanced for each person, Like every situation,
Speaker 2: every pregnancy is different for every woman. Like you're saying
Speaker 2: every marriage, every relationship, every dynamic between a child.
Speaker 3: It's like there is no blanket.
Speaker 2: Assessment that you can have, which is what tradition kind
Speaker 2: of is, is a blanket assessment like you're gonna have
Speaker 2: a husband, you're gonna have a dog, you're gonna have
Speaker 2: two kids, and you're gonna be like, there's all this,
Speaker 2: there's all this. It's like a box and the box
Speaker 2: is made to be broken open by other people choosing
Speaker 2: to do other things. And when people say like, you know,
Speaker 2: when you show up with, oh, when are you guys
Speaker 2: gonna get married?
Speaker 5: Like?
Speaker 3: Or when you get married, when are you gonna have
Speaker 3: a baby? Like that's so rude to.
Speaker 1: Say, and they're like, when's the next tee.
Speaker 2: I've caught myself saying those stupid things to people because
Speaker 2: I'm out of ideas, Like I've caught myself in going
Speaker 2: why are you doing that? Why just don't say anything
Speaker 2: instead of being like asking such a predictable question.
Speaker 6: Well, our next caller is a Levia, and she has
Speaker 6: a very unpredictable situation.
Speaker 1: Olivia's fifty four. She lives in Canada. She says, Dear Chelsea,
Speaker 1: here's the issue.
Speaker 6: I dated a man for six years and lived with
Speaker 6: him for three until I was served at work with
Speaker 6: a registered letter. Unbeknownst to me, he had stopped paying
Speaker 6: our rent for fourteen months, and I'm on the lease.
Speaker 6: I paid him and I paid the majority of our expenses,
Speaker 6: thinking that he was paying rent. Once I found out
Speaker 6: that he lied about this for fourteen months and we
Speaker 6: owed over seventy thousand dollars, I moved out. Now I'm
Speaker 6: learning he lied about almost everything, including being legally married.
Speaker 6: Even though he was separated. The issue is we own
Speaker 6: a business together. I have to work with a proven
Speaker 6: liar and someone I don't trust. How do I cope
Speaker 6: with my rage when I watch him interact with all
Speaker 6: the same bs he used with me. The staff haven't
Speaker 6: caught on yet, and I worry about the business because
Speaker 6: he's incompetent. I can't afford to buy him out yet.
Speaker 6: And I love my job, except that I work with
Speaker 6: a con man. Any thoughts on how to cope with
Speaker 6: this situation?
Speaker 1: Olivia?
Speaker 3: Ooh, hi Olivia.
Speaker 7: Hi.
Speaker 2: This is our special guest Lily Ray this year today.
Speaker 2: Hi bhi, So wow, this sounds like a script from
Speaker 2: a TV show or a movie. This is a terrible
Speaker 2: predicament you found yourself in.
Speaker 7: It is, and I'm not getting paid for it, so
Speaker 7: I wish it was a script.
Speaker 3: Well A, let's start with the good stuff.
Speaker 2: Kudos to you for getting the fuck out of that
Speaker 2: house and not letting him manipulate you any further. That's
Speaker 2: great strength, good moves, and you made strong decisions.
Speaker 3: So good for you for doing that.
Speaker 2: And I know that must have been really difficult to
Speaker 2: find out all those things about him. Someone you trust
Speaker 2: that is lying, So the status of the business. When
Speaker 2: can you get away from him? And when is the
Speaker 2: possibility of that happening?
Speaker 7: Never? Because we're fifty to fifty partners and he won't
Speaker 7: buy me out because that's his only link to me.
Speaker 7: And I don't have the money to buy him out.
Speaker 7: So I just feel trapped and I have to see
Speaker 7: him five days a week. He's in and out of
Speaker 7: my office every hour. I cann't get away from him.
Speaker 2: Well, you have to, so you have to figure out
Speaker 2: a way to get the money to buy him out.
Speaker 2: Have you thought about a small business loan, like going
Speaker 2: to your bank and actually getting a loan to buy
Speaker 2: him out.
Speaker 7: I could, but I just bought a place because I
Speaker 7: had to get away from him. And I've talked to
Speaker 7: three people in my life that are possible investors. So
Speaker 7: what I'm waiting for is maybe he will do like
Speaker 7: pull a shotgun clause and then I'm out of there.
Speaker 7: He would have to offer me the money. Then I
Speaker 7: would have to come back with the money. So I'm
Speaker 7: trying to tee up the money now so that if
Speaker 7: that happens, I have it ready to go. I just
Speaker 7: don't I can get alone because now that I've bought
Speaker 7: a house, right, I don't have the equity.
Speaker 3: Well, you do have the equity because you bought a house.
Speaker 7: Yeah, there's not a lot of money into it yet, right,
Speaker 7: So I don't know I could chuck you into a lite.
Speaker 3: I mean there's a legal argument for this also.
Speaker 2: I know that's costly as well to hire a lawyer,
Speaker 2: but this is I do have Oh, okay, And what
Speaker 2: is his take or her take on it.
Speaker 7: Well, he's saying that if he's not financially viable, that
Speaker 7: would be one way of getting him out of the business,
Speaker 7: right because I'm shouldering all the debt of the business.
Speaker 7: Because he has no credit, he can't get a credit card.
Speaker 7: So everything is put on my credit card until the
Speaker 7: business can pay for it. Now, so I just put
Speaker 7: a stop on my credit card. I've locked it, and
Speaker 7: I said, supply credit card or we just don't have
Speaker 7: the money.
Speaker 2: And also because of what he did with your money
Speaker 2: already and that you were seventy thousand dollars in the hole,
Speaker 2: like there is proof of that behavior, so there has
Speaker 2: to be a legal argument for you to regain control
Speaker 2: of the company, get him out, or get him to
Speaker 2: buy you out.
Speaker 3: Well, you said that part isn't an option for him
Speaker 3: to buy you out.
Speaker 7: I don't think he can come up with the money
Speaker 7: to buy me out. I think that he's tapped out
Speaker 7: all his sources, like he's used everybody in his life.
Speaker 7: He's sixty six years old. Like he's not going to
Speaker 7: find another sucker. I don't think.
Speaker 1: But oh, they can always find another sucker.
Speaker 2: The move, yeah, but the move is for you to
Speaker 2: buy him out. The move is for you that you
Speaker 2: need to get him out of your life completely. And
Speaker 2: I think so there's a possible investor or you're saying
Speaker 2: that might give you the money.
Speaker 7: Well, the people would be want to be partners with me.
Speaker 7: That's where I'm looking at because if I had three partners,
Speaker 7: and I have an accountant right now reviewing the books
Speaker 7: to make sure the books are good because it was
Speaker 7: his accountant.
Speaker 3: Yeah, first you got to find out if the books
Speaker 3: are good. Oh yeah.
Speaker 4: And just I have a question in terms of just
Speaker 4: like when you said he's coming into your office every hour,
Speaker 4: why with work things or just to torture you.
Speaker 7: He's actually delusional. He thinks that we're gonna work on this,
Speaker 7: things are going to get better. Just give me another chance.
Speaker 7: It's like, no, are you kidding me?
Speaker 4: Can't you have some You have to have some boundaries
Speaker 4: just in your workplace so that he's not coming in
Speaker 4: because it's your office.
Speaker 1: He can't just come in all the time.
Speaker 4: I mean, just to sort of protect your state of
Speaker 4: mind and your ability to do your job in the
Speaker 4: in the time before this all gets sorted.
Speaker 7: He's like a small child. I lock my office door
Speaker 7: and I have a window, and he'll do like, hi, knock,
Speaker 7: knock high, like it's constant, right, So I'll open the door,
Speaker 7: like what do you need? Uh, I just wanted to
Speaker 7: see you know, like you know, did you read that email?
Speaker 7: Like it's just like so like it's just my numbing right,
Speaker 7: Like he's beyond And so the frustration for me is
Speaker 7: I feel trapped, but I'm like the process has already started.
Speaker 7: I have a lawyer, I have investors, teet up. Potentially
Speaker 7: it's my mental health in going there every day and
Speaker 7: being lied to every day and feeling harassed, and you know,
Speaker 7: like normal people, you could say a boundary like don't
Speaker 7: come in my office, only email me, don't call me.
Speaker 7: I have to block him, Like I feel like he's
Speaker 7: like a cloud over me. I just can't.
Speaker 3: He is and he is, he is a cloud over you.
Speaker 6: I want to jump in with something about boundaries, because
Speaker 6: there's a very common, I think, misconception that like the
Speaker 6: boundary you set is for the other person's action. So
Speaker 6: you say, my boundary is that you can't do this,
Speaker 6: But in reality, we can't actually control what another person
Speaker 6: is doing. You can only really set the boundary for
Speaker 6: what your behavior will be. And it sounds like you
Speaker 6: need to extricate yourself in every small and large way
Speaker 6: you can. So that means setting up a home office
Speaker 6: so he can't be in your window waving at you.
Speaker 6: You know, he's breaking up you know, a quote unquote boundary.
Speaker 6: But that's like you're there in the office, and I
Speaker 6: think anyway we can get you out of this in
Speaker 6: small ways as well before you're out in a big way.
Speaker 1: Is something you need to take action on.
Speaker 7: Right Except it's hard for me to run the business
Speaker 7: with stuff if I'm always from home, so I need
Speaker 7: to be present. And the good thing is he's incompetence,
Speaker 7: so he's not there a lot, like he's in and out.
Speaker 7: He's there for you know, fifteen minutes, then he goes
Speaker 7: for draw. I don't know what he does, but I
Speaker 7: need to be there, and the boundaries that I've established
Speaker 7: are as soon as I leave work, I block him.
Speaker 7: And so what he does that night is you'll start
Speaker 7: sending emails that are work related, and of course I
Speaker 7: don't get any of those. So every day he has
Speaker 7: to resetd things. But it doesn't seem to click with
Speaker 7: him that there's a structure here. Right, So if I
Speaker 7: didn't go to work, I'm going to miss a lot
Speaker 7: of things that are going on the data day. Because
Speaker 7: it's a client based business. I need to see these clients.
Speaker 3: Can he not come to work? It would it work
Speaker 3: that way if he stayed away?
Speaker 7: Yeah, I would love that.
Speaker 3: Okay, Well, maybe you have.
Speaker 2: To get a third party involved, like a mediator of sorts.
Speaker 2: You know, business partners do this all the time, and
Speaker 2: you have a marriage history. If you get a third
Speaker 2: party involved to create some more specific boundaries where he's
Speaker 2: accountable not only to you, but to the third person. Like,
Speaker 2: it's an unworkable situation and I can totally I totally
Speaker 2: feel for you, but I know you're.
Speaker 3: Moving in the right direction.
Speaker 2: This is just the ugly murkiness until you get, you know,
Speaker 2: until you get an investor, and if it's not this investor,
Speaker 2: it'll be another one. But you've set everything in motion,
Speaker 2: like you're looking out for yourself and your business, and
Speaker 2: I have complete faith that it will work out for you.
Speaker 2: But I would bring in another person, ye, whether it's
Speaker 2: a business counselor or a marriage counsel. I mean, not
Speaker 2: a marriage counselor you're not married, but a relationship I
Speaker 2: think a business counselor to really set the tone with him.
Speaker 2: Also that you guys are not together in a romantic relationship,
Speaker 2: and these are the behaviors that you're not willing to
Speaker 2: put up with. You don't want emails from him after
Speaker 2: you leave work, you don't want him walking into your
Speaker 2: office unannounced.
Speaker 3: He has to make appointments.
Speaker 2: I mean, you have to be very stringent with the
Speaker 2: rules with someone like that, and make more rules than
Speaker 2: you care about, because then he has more walls to climb,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean, and he's going to be
Speaker 2: more easily defeated, knowing there's not as many avenues to
Speaker 2: get to you. But I would definitely bring in somebody
Speaker 2: a professional, like a mediator, like a business yeah, like
Speaker 2: a work counselor or like you know, like what a
Speaker 2: couple's counselor would do, but for a work partner, like
Speaker 2: business relationships, those kinds of things are all over the place,
Speaker 2: you know, And then you're having a third party tell him,
Speaker 2: so it's not just you and your history going back
Speaker 2: and forth with each other and him trying to get
Speaker 2: back to you or back with you, or you know whatever,
Speaker 2: into into your your life, into you.
Speaker 3: But you were going to inside you. No, I wasn't
Speaker 3: going to say that, but thank you for filling it
Speaker 3: in for me.
Speaker 6: Have you sat down with him and asked him, like,
Speaker 6: what's the number that would get you to go away?
Speaker 7: No, because I don't want to do that. I don't
Speaker 7: want to start that up until I actually have the funds,
Speaker 7: and I do want to do like this financial review
Speaker 7: to know if the business is even viable, like should
Speaker 7: I be buying a motor? Should I be bought out?
Speaker 3: Absolutely?
Speaker 7: Find that out right, So I don't want to start
Speaker 7: like opening that kind of words without having my facts
Speaker 7: and money lined up.
Speaker 2: Okay, well, you sound like you have your shit together,
Speaker 2: So I would say, just keep doing what you're doing
Speaker 2: and then do what we said okay, people like that
Speaker 2: he can't be trusted around you alone.
Speaker 4: I was just going to say that you need you
Speaker 4: need other people, like even if it's like you have
Speaker 4: an assistant, just another body in the room at all
Speaker 4: times when he's there, and then this third person will
Speaker 4: come in and help. But it seems like being alone
Speaker 4: with you is something that he knows how much it's
Speaker 4: provoking you and how crazy making it is. And I'm
Speaker 4: sure that's part of why he's continuing to do it.
Speaker 4: So like to break up that dynamic.
Speaker 7: The problem is when I I'm alone with him, he's
Speaker 7: constantly grabbing me and I'll say it and don't touch me,
Speaker 7: and he's.
Speaker 4: Like, you know you like it, Like, oh you just
Speaker 4: you got to have another un Well, that's that's harassment
Speaker 4: in the workplace.
Speaker 3: Yeah, so that's it.
Speaker 7: Yeah to me, like like his aggressive tendencies with me,
Speaker 7: like grabbing me and saying like, don't worry about it,
Speaker 7: you know you like it. You know we're going to
Speaker 7: get back together. It's like I start off my day
Speaker 7: every way like I'm not going to react to this.
Speaker 7: I'm going to stay calm, and then usually by two
Speaker 7: o'clock I'm ready to fucking throttle him, and then I'm
Speaker 7: telling him how much I hate him, and then I
Speaker 7: feel like, oh, this is really good for the whole
Speaker 7: like staff vibe, right.
Speaker 2: Yeah, right exactly. I would really try to get he's
Speaker 2: got to not be at work. I know he's really
Speaker 2: not gonna. I mean, you're gonna have to figure out
Speaker 2: a system where he's not coming in as frequently as
Speaker 2: he is. And that's a boundary you're going to have
Speaker 2: to set as a part business owner.
Speaker 7: I did ask him, I said, do you want to
Speaker 7: split days? Like I'm work Monday Wednesday Friday, you work
Speaker 7: Tuesday Thursday, for example, we don't have to both be here.
Speaker 1: Well, no, he doesn't want to do that because then
Speaker 1: he doesn't have access to you.
Speaker 3: Right, But don't ask him.
Speaker 2: You have to kind of state that this is the
Speaker 2: new mandate because he doesn't seem to respect the fact
Speaker 2: that you are not together anymore and that you're a
Speaker 2: business owner, and he's not being professional, and he's proven
Speaker 2: himself to be untrustworthy. So these are all things that
Speaker 2: you need somebody else to be in the room as
Speaker 2: a witness so that there is actual like consequence, you
Speaker 2: know what I mean, So that there's accountability, and.
Speaker 7: Then what's the accountability, Like, you know what I mean,
Speaker 7: if he continues to act like this, then what happens nothing?
Speaker 7: He's still an owner.
Speaker 2: Well, I mean, there's an accountability in the terms of
Speaker 2: the three party. That's the first step. And you're right,
Speaker 2: he still is an owner until you figure out the situation.
Speaker 2: But you can't keep operating the way you're You can't
Speaker 2: just keep rebuffing his advances. You don't. That's not acceptable.
Speaker 2: He's sixty six years old and he needs to hear
Speaker 2: from he's married.
Speaker 1: I mean, it's like it's irrelevant. He couldn't do that.
Speaker 4: He's not He can't do that with anyone in the office.
Speaker 4: He can't do that right right, And there are are
Speaker 4: protections in places.
Speaker 3: Yes, and he needs to be aware of all of
Speaker 3: those protections.
Speaker 2: And that's why you want someone who is very familiar
Speaker 2: with workforce laws and like parameters and everything to be
Speaker 2: the person that you go to to be like, just
Speaker 2: so you know, this is something you can get in
Speaker 2: trouble for.
Speaker 3: Just so you know, I'm not interested in your advances.
Speaker 2: This is me telling you in front of a third person,
Speaker 2: I am not interested, and I find them to be
Speaker 2: an affront. You are sexually harassing me in the workplace.
Speaker 2: Now we are not together like That's why it's always
Speaker 2: important just to have another person involved, like a witness,
Speaker 2: and just start there and see if that affects his
Speaker 2: behavior at all. It might take a couple of weeks,
Speaker 2: but if you make a weekly appointment with someone, he
Speaker 2: becomes accountable to that person, and he's going to be
Speaker 2: less interested, less and less interested.
Speaker 3: In coming to the workplace if he knows he has
Speaker 3: to deal with that person.
Speaker 7: Okay, it's worth a shot.
Speaker 3: All right. Well, I don't envy your situation, but I
Speaker 3: think that you're going to see your way out of it.
Speaker 7: Yeah, okay, well, thank you, thanks for giving me that place.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and good for you for getting the fuck out
Speaker 2: of that relationship. And now you'll get out of this one.
Speaker 7: Oh totally, yeah, one of us will.
Speaker 3: Yeah, absolutely, all right, godspeed.
Speaker 7: Thank you, Lily.
Speaker 3: Why do you keep moving away from me? Yeah? You
Speaker 3: did it again?
Speaker 1: Oh wait, no, I yeah, you can move your mic
Speaker 1: Yeah there I go.
Speaker 2: You were going back to your microphone. Oh okay, okay.
Speaker 2: I'm like, God, is it my breath? Is it my body?
Speaker 1: I love being I'm very you know you get clothes.
Speaker 2: Another reminder to all listeners not to go into business
Speaker 2: with your partner.
Speaker 3: Oh sorry, Lily's here. Ja'son business with her partner. Watch
Speaker 3: I fall in love and start a business with my
Speaker 3: partner in about six months. Anytime I say something and
Speaker 3: I declare something, I do the opposite.
Speaker 1: Well, let's take a break and I have a really
Speaker 1: cute one to wrap up with.
Speaker 3: Okay, great, we're going to take a break and we'll
Speaker 3: all be back with Lily Rape. And we're back with Lily.
Speaker 1: Hi, We're back. Our last question comes from Waverley.
Speaker 6: She is twenty four Chelsea. I met a boy over
Speaker 6: the summer who was passing through my city before he
Speaker 6: went on a month long trip. We instantly hit it off,
Speaker 6: but I was convinced i'd never see him again as
Speaker 6: he doesn't live here. He ended up stopping back in
Speaker 6: my city again on his way home one month later
Speaker 6: and stayed with me for twenty four hours. I was
Speaker 6: then again convinced that I wouldn't see him again. Long
Speaker 6: story short. We kept talking and calling every day and
Speaker 6: I ended up traveling across the world to see him.
Speaker 3: For five days to start a business together. He is
Speaker 3: now coming back to.
Speaker 6: Stay with me for two weeks next month, and we've
Speaker 6: decided to be exclusive and long distance date in the meantime,
Speaker 6: and then revisit next steps when we're back in person again.
Speaker 6: All in all, we've technically known each other for about
Speaker 6: five months now. I've been doing with the idea of
Speaker 6: moving to his city if this next trip goes well,
Speaker 6: but I can't decide when it's too early to seriously
Speaker 6: think about that. I'm only twenty four and i've been
Speaker 6: wanting a change, so it's kind of perfect timing, and
Speaker 6: I really liked where he lives.
Speaker 1: I'm just worried about being that.
Speaker 6: Girl who moved for her boyfriend and relies on him
Speaker 6: for everything, and also being so far from my friends
Speaker 6: and family if this doesn't work out. But honestly, I
Speaker 6: could see myself marrying him years from now because I'm
Speaker 6: basically still a child and he feels the exact same way.
Speaker 6: He's a really, really good guy and everything feels right
Speaker 6: with him. But is this insane of me? I kept
Speaker 6: all of the cities vague because I think my sister
Speaker 6: listens to this podcast and she would seriously think I'm
Speaker 6: nuts if she heard me ask this thank you in advance, Waverley.
Speaker 4: Really, Oh, I just think it has to be, you know,
Speaker 4: worrying about what other people think is that's the ego.
Speaker 4: It's just quiet those voices. It doesn't matter, and some
Speaker 4: will think it no matter what you do. You're always
Speaker 4: screwed with what will other people think.
Speaker 3: But if you.
Speaker 4: Feel excited about the place, if he were making a demand,
Speaker 4: like the only way this relationship will work is if
Speaker 4: you move here. But that's not at all what I'm hearing.
Speaker 4: So if you're excited and that feels like invigorating and
Speaker 4: a sort of chapter, it's not permanent necessarily, you're just
Speaker 4: trying something and you're twenty four, and your twenty is the.
Speaker 3: Time to try something like that. Go for it, Go
Speaker 3: move and fall madly, deeply in love, and if it
Speaker 3: doesn't work out, that's okay. Then you'll move back home
Speaker 3: and you'll have some and you'll have another lover.
Speaker 1: Like, just go for it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, if you're in love and you feel that way
Speaker 2: about someone and you're that young, and you have nothing
Speaker 2: keeping you there but your family and friends you can
Speaker 2: still communicate with and visit, go for it.
Speaker 3: This is the only life we get.
Speaker 1: Make it count and that period of a relationship.
Speaker 9: Actually, this isn't the only life we get. We've been
Speaker 9: talking about reincarnations maybe, but in this one, this could
Speaker 9: be a great part of it, or this could be
Speaker 9: your last life. But it's like that, it's so romantic.
Speaker 9: It's so it is romantic.
Speaker 3: I love love too.
Speaker 9: I like that.
Speaker 3: I like like, you know, kind of impulsivity and love.
Speaker 3: I'm for that.
Speaker 1: I love it.
Speaker 6: Yeah, this is basically exactly the story of how my
Speaker 6: one of my best ties Sam met her husband Thomas,
Speaker 6: and now they have lots of little Irish babies together.
Speaker 3: So it's very cute, pep perfect perfect, all right, Waverley
Speaker 3: go go.
Speaker 2: Okay, Well, Lily, you have been on delight. It's such
Speaker 2: a pleasure to meet you in person. Okay, So you
Speaker 2: guys can see Downtown Owl. You can rent it and
Speaker 2: like Apple, you can rent it on Amazon. And then
Speaker 2: you can also catch Lily in upcoming the Great Lilian Hall,
Speaker 2: and you'll just see her all over the place and
Speaker 2: probably in theater again soon sure at some point.
Speaker 3: Thank you so much for being thank you for having me. Okay, Okay,
Speaker 3: So upcoming shows that I have you guys, these are
Speaker 3: the places.
Speaker 2: I'm coming in May Prior Lake, Minnesota, Verona, New York, Auckland,
Speaker 2: New Zealand, Wellington, New Zealand, Melbourne, Australia, Brisbane and Australia, Sydney, Australia.
Speaker 3: We've added second shows to places that have sold out
Speaker 3: the first and.
Speaker 2: Then I'm gonna be in Hawaii on Maui, Ka, Hulue
Speaker 2: and Honolulu. I will be there in July. Also in July,
Speaker 2: I'm coming to Niagara Falls on July twenty seventh. I'm
Speaker 2: coming to Hollywood, Florida for my only show in Florida on.
Speaker 3: July twenty eighth.
Speaker 2: I'll be in Auburn, Washington on August first, and then
Speaker 2: Santa Rosa, cal Fournia for my second show August second.
Speaker 3: And then I'm coming to Atlantic City.
Speaker 2: Mate o'laine and I are co headlining a really fun
Speaker 2: show in Atlantic City this summer.
Speaker 3: August tenth August seventeenth is the Santa Barbara Bowl. You
Speaker 3: do not want to miss that. And then I will
Speaker 3: be all over Maine.
Speaker 2: Charlotte, North Carolina, Charleston, South Carolina.
Speaker 3: I'm coming to Texas. I'm coming to Saint Louis and
Speaker 3: Kansas City.
Speaker 2: I'm coming to Brooklyn, New York at the Kings Theater
Speaker 2: on November eighth, and I have tickets on sale throughout
Speaker 2: the end of the year in December, so if you're
Speaker 2: in a city like Philadelphia or Bethlehem, or San Diego
Speaker 2: or New Orleans or Omaha, check Chelsea Handler dot com
Speaker 2: for tickets.
Speaker 6: Okay, if you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an
Speaker 6: email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and
Speaker 6: be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is
Speaker 6: edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law
Speaker 6: and be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler
Speaker 6: dot com.
Speaker 2: M