Speaker 1: The biggest mistake we make is we believe that the
Speaker 1: way we are is who we are and that we
Speaker 1: won't change that who we are right now is who
Speaker 1: we have to be forever. And the truth is we
Speaker 1: are simply a set of patterns, a set of systems
Speaker 1: that can be changed and transformed. The number one health
Speaker 1: and wellness podcast, Jay set Jay Setty, Hey, everyone, welcome
Speaker 1: back to On Purpose, where you come to listen, learn
Speaker 1: and grow. Remember we've got over five hundred episodes in
Speaker 1: our library, so if you're looking to grow on a
Speaker 1: daily basis, check in to On Purpose. Today's episode is
Speaker 1: all about something that I think a lot of us
Speaker 1: deal with. How many of you have something in the
Speaker 1: back of your mind that just keeps replaying. Could be
Speaker 1: a conversation, could be an event, could be a thought,
Speaker 1: and it just sits there in the back of your
Speaker 1: mind while you're going about your day, betraining your energy.
Speaker 1: How many of you have something similar in the sense
Speaker 1: that maybe there's someone in your life that you're worried about,
Speaker 1: maybe they're unwell, maybe they're going through a difficult time.
Speaker 1: And no matter whether you're at work, whether you're socializing,
Speaker 1: whether you're with your family, you keep thinking about that
Speaker 1: person and what they're going through. Hey, maybe you've moved
Speaker 1: state or country and you're worried about a parent's health.
Speaker 1: You're always thinking that when you wake up in the morning,
Speaker 1: there's a certain level of anxiety or overwhelm of what
Speaker 1: could have happened to them, and I can empathize with
Speaker 1: how difficult that may be. Or maybe in the back
Speaker 1: of your mind you worry that you're going to lose
Speaker 1: your job, maybe you worry that things aren't going to
Speaker 1: work out, Maybe you worry that things are not going
Speaker 1: in the right direction, and there's just this underlying feeling
Speaker 1: you have that just stays there in the background. That's
Speaker 1: super unnerving, super draining, and really discouraging because every time
Speaker 1: you feel a glimpse of moving forward, this brings you
Speaker 1: right back. Sometimes we get hit with something that's always
Speaker 1: just in the back of our mind, right And what's
Speaker 1: really interesting about this is that, like I said, we
Speaker 1: all have something and it affects us in the same way.
Speaker 1: It makes our smile less large, it makes our moment
Speaker 1: of joy less pleasant, it makes our moment of escape
Speaker 1: feel fleeting and ephemeral, And we all deal with this
Speaker 1: very complex emotion where we're not going through the challenge
Speaker 1: right now, but we feel like we are every single day.
Speaker 1: We almost put ourselves through through that every single day.
Speaker 1: And that's why Seneca famously said and wrote, we suffer twice,
Speaker 1: once in imagination and once in reality. The visualization of
Speaker 1: a challenge, the visualization of a moment of pain, can
Speaker 1: often cause more pain if we're not using it as
Speaker 1: a processing tool. And when we don't use it as
Speaker 1: a processing tool, but we use it subconsciously, it keeps
Speaker 1: us in a state of pain. So what do we
Speaker 1: do about this? How do we do it? We can't
Speaker 1: solve it, we can't get away from it. It's just
Speaker 1: something that exists there. The first thing I'm going to
Speaker 1: share with you is anything that you worry about, anything
Speaker 1: that causes you anxiety, don't deal with it first thing
Speaker 1: in the morning, and don't deal with it the last
Speaker 1: thing at night. When we wake up in the morning,
Speaker 1: we're barely awakened. We're barely prepared to deal with anything stressful.
Speaker 1: And that's why when we wake up in the morning
Speaker 1: and we check our messages frantically, when we make a
Speaker 1: call frantically, when we run around and rush around it
Speaker 1: creates more anxiety. It compounds that feeling of overwhelm, of stress,
Speaker 1: of pressure. And when we do something just before we
Speaker 1: go to bed, we're programming our subconscious to be thinking
Speaker 1: about it at night. We're programming our subconscious to be
Speaker 1: attentive and aware of it while we're asleep. So now
Speaker 1: what we've done is we've depleted our sleep, which has
Speaker 1: diminished our focus and energy, which is diminishing our intellect
Speaker 1: and our ability to deal with the situation when we
Speaker 1: wake up. We have weakened ourselves so deeply that we
Speaker 1: don't have the ability to deal with it. So when
Speaker 1: we wake up in the morning, we want that time
Speaker 1: to be the time to set a foundation. For you,
Speaker 1: at maybe fifteen minutes, for someone else, it may be
Speaker 1: an hour. You want your mourning moments to be moments
Speaker 1: that are foundational, that are sustainable, and that are consistent.
Speaker 1: Maybe you wake up every day and you write a
Speaker 1: grateful thought in your journal. Studies show that when we
Speaker 1: have grateful thoughts, we can't have worry filled thoughts at
Speaker 1: the same time. So think about that really carefully. If
Speaker 1: gratitude is renting space in your mind, worry can't rent
Speaker 1: the same space. If you're having a thankful thought in
Speaker 1: your mind, anxiety can't rent the same space. So we
Speaker 1: want to make sure that our tenant is gratitude. We
Speaker 1: want to make sure that the person staying in our
Speaker 1: home is gratitude. And this is a practice that we
Speaker 1: have to build consciously until it becomes subconscious. Here's what's
Speaker 1: really interesting about patterns of thought, patterns of behavior. Patterns
Speaker 1: are people. We have to recognize that when we were young,
Speaker 1: we subconsciously absorbed patterns that became our reality. Right maybe
Speaker 1: there were things your parents said, Maybe there were decisions
Speaker 1: your parents made, Maybe there were ways they operated that
Speaker 1: defined who you were. And now what we have to
Speaker 1: do is we have to plant conscious patterns that become
Speaker 1: our subconscious. The biggest mistake we make is we believe
Speaker 1: that the way we are is who we are and
Speaker 1: that we won't change that. Who we are right now
Speaker 1: is who we have to be forever. And if that's
Speaker 1: who we are forever, then there is no shift, there
Speaker 1: is no transformation. And the truth is we are simply
Speaker 1: a set of patterns, a set of systems that can
Speaker 1: be changed and transformed. As Dr Joe Despenser says, we
Speaker 1: have to break the habit of being yourself. He talks
Speaker 1: about how to lose your mind and create a new one. Right,
Speaker 1: we think our mind is made up. We think our
Speaker 1: mind is what it is, But actually our mind is
Speaker 1: just made up of patterns. Our mind is just made
Speaker 1: up of thoughts. Our mind is just made up of
Speaker 1: subconscious beliefs that can all be reprogrammed. And the two
Speaker 1: key times of the day that our subconscious beliefs are
Speaker 1: reprogrammed a first thing in the morning and lasting in
Speaker 1: the night, especially that which you do it, those two
Speaker 1: times will program your subconscious So we want to start
Speaker 1: our day with gratitude. We want to start our day
Speaker 1: with a thankful thought. And for a grateful thought to work,
Speaker 1: it has to be expressed. It has to be specific,
Speaker 1: and it has to be personalized. When you write something
Speaker 1: in your journal, you also want to share that with someone.
Speaker 1: You want to express it to that person. Maybe you're
Speaker 1: going to write a text message in the morning to
Speaker 1: that individual and express it. You want it to be specific. Right.
Speaker 1: A lot of people could say to you, oh, yeah,
Speaker 1: thanks so much, thanks for that, But when someone's specific,
Speaker 1: it touches your heart. If someone said you, thank you
Speaker 1: so much, for how well you made that presentation at work.
Speaker 1: It was brilliant. That goes a long way. And then
Speaker 1: you want it to be personalized. You wanted to feel
Speaker 1: like it was only about you. We all wanted to
Speaker 1: feel like you can just say that to everyone else.
Speaker 1: So expressed, specific and personalized is how gratitude has to
Speaker 1: be shared. And I think a lot of us these
Speaker 1: days we think that a gratitude journalist to be grateful
Speaker 1: to the sky and be grateful to the plants and
Speaker 1: the moon and whatever else it may be. Being grateful
Speaker 1: to people is the most reciprocal form of gratitude because
Speaker 1: when you get to share it with someone and see
Speaker 1: the look in their eyes, when you get to see
Speaker 1: how it impacts them, it can be transformational. And by
Speaker 1: the way, the way we receive gratitude is as important.
Speaker 1: I think a lot of us have trained ourselves to
Speaker 1: be modest, to say things like, oh no, it's nothing,
Speaker 1: it's all good. And when we don't receive gratitude, we
Speaker 1: also don't get to give that person sharing with us
Speaker 1: a beautiful moment. I'm so lucky that so many of
Speaker 1: you come up to me when you see me around,
Speaker 1: whether you know a couple of weeks ago, I was
Speaker 1: in Austin for south By Southwest. Maybe some of you
Speaker 1: saw me at Expert West, maybe some of you saw
Speaker 1: me in Mexico. And I love that you come up
Speaker 1: to me and you tell me how much On Purposes
Speaker 1: helped you, or how much think like a Monk or
Speaker 1: eight Rules of Love you've loved reading. And when I
Speaker 1: hear that, in the beginning, I used to always be like, yeah, yeah, no, no,
Speaker 1: thank you so much. And you know, I used to
Speaker 1: feel that that was the way to deal with it. And
Speaker 1: I realized that actually being able to say back to
Speaker 1: you like thank you so much, I'm so grateful, I
Speaker 1: really needed that. By the way, I do need it. It
Speaker 1: means the world to me. I appreciate it so deeply.
Speaker 1: I'm humbled by it. But saying that back to you
Speaker 1: makes it a moment that we can share. And so
Speaker 1: what I'm trying to say is giving gratitude and reciprocating
Speaker 1: back with g attitude are both good for the heart.
Speaker 1: And I think if we start our mornings that way,
Speaker 1: we focus on an amplify gratitude so much that the
Speaker 1: pain we're feeling, the stress we're feeling, It's not that
Speaker 1: it goes away, it's that we have the strength to
Speaker 1: deal with it. This is the point I want you
Speaker 1: to take home. It's not about getting rid of pain.
Speaker 1: It's not about moving on from pain. It's not about
Speaker 1: just saying it doesn't exist anymore. It's about having the
Speaker 1: strength and the courage and the support to deal with it.
Speaker 1: Hey guys, it's Jay Sheddy here and I couldn't be
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Speaker 1: With only one third of the caffeine found in brood
Speaker 1: Green tea, it provides a gentle energy boost without the crash.
Speaker 1: It only has five calories and zero grams of sugar,
Speaker 1: making it the perfect drink. Plus, it's made with the
Speaker 1: delicious blend of adaptogens and neotropics that may help boost
Speaker 1: your metabolism, combat stress, pack your body with antioxidants, and
Speaker 1: stimulate brain function. Head over to your local Sprouts. Visit
Speaker 1: sprouts dot com to find the closest location near you.
Speaker 1: So we talked about the importance of what to do
Speaker 1: in the morning, but it's equally as important to figure
Speaker 1: out the evening. When we program our subconscious mind before
Speaker 1: we go to bed, we have the ability not only
Speaker 1: to get better rest, but to wake up feeling more
Speaker 1: energized and ready for the day. So many of us,
Speaker 1: just before we go to bed, we'll do something that
Speaker 1: induces anxiety. Maybe we'll think about or ruminate about this
Speaker 1: thing that's been on our mind. Maybe we'll watch something
Speaker 1: that makes us feel anxious. Maybe the last thing we'll
Speaker 1: say is I really that doesn't happen, or I'm really
Speaker 1: worried about this. And that's not something you're saying out loud.
Speaker 1: It might be to your partner or whoever you're talking
Speaker 1: to your friend on the phone, but often it's a
Speaker 1: subconscious idea. Now it's natural. Right when someone asks you
Speaker 1: the question what's keeping you up at night, it's probably
Speaker 1: this thing, the pressure at work, the challenge with your partner,
Speaker 1: the worry about your parents. Right, it's something very real
Speaker 1: that you can't just say I'm not going to think
Speaker 1: about it. Right. If I say to you, don't think
Speaker 1: about it, that's the worst advice because you're like, well, Jay,
Speaker 1: that's why I'm listening right. So what we need to
Speaker 1: do is we need to recognize that we can't remove
Speaker 1: the thought. Often we think our life is about reducing noise, right,
Speaker 1: reducing negativity, reducing the thing that's keeping us up, and
Speaker 1: that's actually really difficult. And what we have to do
Speaker 1: instead is we have to drown out that noise through
Speaker 1: something else. So a good example is, let's say you're
Speaker 1: an next door neighbors throwing a party, or the apartment
Speaker 1: next door is throwing a party and the music's really loud. Now,
Speaker 1: when you went over there and knocked on their door
Speaker 1: and said, hey, can you keep quiet for a second,
Speaker 1: like I'm trying to focus, they didn't do it. They
Speaker 1: didn't listen, and your persuasive skills didn't really work. Now
Speaker 1: you have two choices. You either listen to that music,
Speaker 1: or you turn on some of your own music, you
Speaker 1: turn up your TV, you focus on what you need
Speaker 1: to do. In the same way, you can't just drown
Speaker 1: out a thought that's perplexing you. But what you can
Speaker 1: do is you can increase the voice you want to hear.
Speaker 1: So this is where we want to subconsciously program on mind.
Speaker 1: I remember when I've been going through health challenges or difficulties,
Speaker 1: I often had an affirmation before I went to bed
Speaker 1: that said, I am happy, I am healthy, I am healed.
Speaker 1: There's something really powerful about the words I am, because
Speaker 1: it's an acceptance of something we're already feeling, not I want,
Speaker 1: which feels like it's in the distant future. I am happy,
Speaker 1: I am healthy, I am healing. I have repeated this
Speaker 1: affirmation to myself when I've been going through physical or
Speaker 1: mental health challenges so that I can remind myself that
Speaker 1: I'm moving in the right direction. And I have found
Speaker 1: that the repetition of that affirmation has started to consciously
Speaker 1: reprogram my mind towards moving and finding progress. Without the
Speaker 1: repetition of that mantrain affirmation, what ends up happening is
Speaker 1: I end up stewing, I end up feeling stuck. I
Speaker 1: end up feeling like nothing's moving in the right direction.
Speaker 1: So that's definitely something to look at. What are we
Speaker 1: doing before we go to bed? A lot of people
Speaker 1: will say to me, Jay, I'm experiencing anxiety, and the
Speaker 1: first thing I'll ask them is what did you watch
Speaker 1: last night? Now, if you want it's one of your
Speaker 1: favorite shows. I am not against any shows, but I
Speaker 1: promise you that these shows are designed to create cliffhanger chemicals.
Speaker 1: And what I mean by that is because it's all
Speaker 1: about what's happening in the next episode. What are they
Speaker 1: going to do? Oh, my gosh, did you see what
Speaker 1: happened to them? Oh? Will they make it right? That's
Speaker 1: the reaction the show is trying to create. Now, that
Speaker 1: makes for great entertainment. What we don't realize is that
Speaker 1: our body and mind are going into that mode just
Speaker 1: before our head hits the pillow. And so now naturally
Speaker 1: your body and mind are in a state of anxiety
Speaker 1: before you go to bed, and so that becomes your
Speaker 1: natural headspace throughout your sleep, which is then disturbed and
Speaker 1: then when you wake up. I have also found it
Speaker 1: really interesting to program almost the code of how I
Speaker 1: want to wake up. And the example I always give is,
Speaker 1: you don't set your alarm the time you wake up.
Speaker 1: You set the alarm the night before. Right, You program
Speaker 1: some thing to ring or have a tone when you
Speaker 1: wake up in the morning, but you set it the
Speaker 1: night before. In the same way, we have to set
Speaker 1: our programming and code and mindset the night before, I
Speaker 1: am waking up energized, rejuvenated, and ready for the day.
Speaker 1: I am waking up with health, vitality, and energy. Right
Speaker 1: Having that as your repetitive affirmation before you go to
Speaker 1: bed gives you a chance again to subconsciously program your
Speaker 1: mind to make that its code. So I highly recommend
Speaker 1: a powerful morning and evening routine that is away from
Speaker 1: the area that's challenging you. And you may require thirty
Speaker 1: minutes of time before bed and thirty minutes of time
Speaker 1: in the morning, or fifteen minutes before bed is enough.
Speaker 1: Even five minutes, actually, you know what, I'm going to
Speaker 1: make it five five minutes before bed and five minutes
Speaker 1: when you wake up to just journal all your anxieties
Speaker 1: and all your thoughts to really get them off your mind,
Speaker 1: to really get them out of your mind and onto
Speaker 1: the page. I think often we try and fix things
Speaker 1: and solve things in our mind. And what's really interesting
Speaker 1: about that is how many times have you had a
Speaker 1: really amazing reflection or a really amazing realization and you
Speaker 1: don't even remember it a week later. I've had this
Speaker 1: happen so many times. If I don't note down amazing
Speaker 1: ideas insights, thoughts, they disappear and we think, oh, I
Speaker 1: have this idea, now I'll always understand this. The truth
Speaker 1: is it doesn't work like that. So five minutes before,
Speaker 1: about five minutes when you wake up, just to journal
Speaker 1: all of that anxiety, to put it out onto the page,
Speaker 1: to actually feel that release. I think we often feel
Speaker 1: it's a weakness to have a release. We think I've
Speaker 1: just got to solve it in my head. I've just
Speaker 1: got to deal with all of it. I've just got
Speaker 1: to tolerate all of it. And the truth is you
Speaker 1: can try that, but it can feel like you start
Speaker 1: to carry a real weight. And I feel that for
Speaker 1: a lot of people we're just carrying a heavy heavy
Speaker 1: weight because we keep adding to it. Right, it's not
Speaker 1: that it disappears if we don't release it consciously. It
Speaker 1: subconsciously continues to build and build and build to when
Speaker 1: we have a really tough moment where we do want
Speaker 1: to release it, and maybe it comes out at a person,
Speaker 1: we laugh, maybe we take it out on someone at work,
Speaker 1: maybe we take it out on a friend. Right, it
Speaker 1: does come out, It always comes out, but it may
Speaker 1: not come out in a healthy way. I think it's
Speaker 1: really important to recognize that when we have things going on,
Speaker 1: it's okay to stay busy. I think sometimes being busy
Speaker 1: gets a hard time, and I understand rightfully so. But
Speaker 1: when you've got something on your mind and it's bringing
Speaker 1: you down, sometimes staying busy, staying active is really healthy
Speaker 1: because it allows us to process it in different ways.
Speaker 1: I find that when I have a busy day, when
Speaker 1: I have a busy schedule, when I'm moving around, it
Speaker 1: allows me to make sure that I deal with what
Speaker 1: I'm struggling with at the right time, but then not
Speaker 1: let it bleed into the entire day. And that's what
Speaker 1: I mean by keeping busy when as in keeping busy,
Speaker 1: I'm not saying ignore the issue. If we ignore the issue,
Speaker 1: it will just grow. If we ignore the issue, it
Speaker 1: will actually get stronger and bigger and come back harder.
Speaker 1: It's so important that we stay busy by creating times
Speaker 1: of the day where we do focused on this. I
Speaker 1: think working out is similar being physically active. When you
Speaker 1: have something on your mind again, it allows you to
Speaker 1: release it, release that energy in a different way. Now,
Speaker 1: a lot of people say something, especially in spiritual circles,
Speaker 1: this idea of we just have to tolerate it. We
Speaker 1: just have to accept it. And while there is truth
Speaker 1: in that, there's a beautiful statement by an amazing part
Speaker 1: of divinity called Chaitanya who says that we should be
Speaker 1: as tolerant as a tree. Now, what I love about
Speaker 1: this statement is that a tree is extremely tolerant. It
Speaker 1: deals with all the seasons. It deals with the cold,
Speaker 1: it deals with the heat, and all the time it
Speaker 1: provides shade to others, It provides fruit to others. It
Speaker 1: tolerates that the soil around it may not be great,
Speaker 1: so the roots grow in a particular way to get
Speaker 1: its nutrients. We have to be as tolerant as a tree.
Speaker 1: But the thing is a tree can't move. So if
Speaker 1: a tree could move, it probably would. And so if
Speaker 1: you can move, if you can change, if you can shift.
Speaker 1: We shouldn't just tolerate and accept. We should learn to
Speaker 1: tolerate and accept the things we can't change, but the
Speaker 1: things we can change, we should change. If you're dealing
Speaker 1: with an issue, it's so important to leave no stone
Speaker 1: unturned in solving the problem. Often what we do is
Speaker 1: we go into acceptance before action, But it's the other
Speaker 1: way around. If you've taken every action you possibly can.
Speaker 1: If you've taken every action within your control, if you've
Speaker 1: taken every action that will help you get out of
Speaker 1: the situation you're in, and then it doesn't shift, then
Speaker 1: we can practice acceptance and tolerance. But if you haven't
Speaker 1: tried everything, if you haven't pushed and questioned and been curious. Right.
Speaker 1: I often find this when I'm struggling with my health.
Speaker 1: It's so easy for me to say, you know what,
Speaker 1: that's it, can't do anything else. And I've realized there's
Speaker 1: another modality I haven't learned about. There's another guide, there's
Speaker 1: another teacher, there's another doctor, there's another healing process that
Speaker 1: I haven't opened my mind to. Please, please, please realize this.
Speaker 1: Whatever you're dealing with, first, deal with it with action.
Speaker 1: Before we get into this pseudo spiritual place of I
Speaker 1: accept it and surrendering, we have to take action right.
Speaker 1: The old statement of the universe helps those who help themselves.
Speaker 1: We have to start with helping ourselves before we expect
Speaker 1: help from anything else. Start there. I really hope that
Speaker 1: this episode gives you a sense of courage. I hope
Speaker 1: that it gives you a sense of comfort, and I
Speaker 1: hope that it gives you a sense of some really
Speaker 1: practical tips and insights to solve this challenge for you.
Speaker 1: I'm rooting for you. I'm always in your corner. Thank
Speaker 1: you for listening. If you love this episode, you will
Speaker 1: also love my interview with Charles Douhig on how to
Speaker 1: hack your brain, change any habit effortlessly, and the secret
Speaker 1: to making better decisions. Look, am I hesitating on this
Speaker 1: because I'm scared of making the choice because I'm scared
Speaker 1: of doing the work, Or am I sitting with this
Speaker 1: because it just doesn't feel right yet. There's a lot
Speaker 1: of talk about mindfulness these days, which is fantastic. I mean,
Speaker 1: we all want to be more present and self aware,
Speaker 1: more patient, less judgmental. We discuss all these themes on
Speaker 1: the podcast, but it's hard to actually be mindful in
Speaker 1: your day to day life. That's where Calm comes in.
Speaker 1: I've been working with Calm for a few years now
Speaker 1: with the goal of making mindfulness fun and easy. Calm
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