Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2: From New York City, the only city in America. It's
Speaker 2: the show that you news. It's the Daily Show with
Speaker 2: your host Lightly.
Speaker 1: Jones and Jordan Clipper.
Speaker 3: I'm Jordan Clipper and.
Speaker 4: This is the Daily Show.
Speaker 5: We worked on that all day, all day and completely
Speaker 5: forgot to prepare the rest of the show.
Speaker 3: Yeah, so we are just waking up from here on out.
Speaker 3: But it's gonna be a great show.
Speaker 1: So let's get into the headlines.
Speaker 5: All right, Let's begin with the big story out.
Speaker 1: Of Washington, d C.
Speaker 5: One of the rising young stars of the Republican Party
Speaker 5: is not rising anymore.
Speaker 6: We begin with that shocking turn by a battle New
Speaker 6: York Congressman George Santos saying he will not run for reelection.
Speaker 6: That announcement follows the release of the House e Fics
Speaker 6: Committee report just hours ago, concluding their substantial evidence Santos
Speaker 6: violated federal criminal laws.
Speaker 7: This report could potentially change the calculation on Capitol Hill.
Speaker 5: Say the fraudedly exploited every aspect of his House candidacy
Speaker 5: for his own personal financial profit.
Speaker 8: They say that Santos blatantly stole from his campaign spending,
Speaker 8: campaign funds, according to this report, on things like botox,
Speaker 8: lavish trips to Atlantic City, on only fans, on designer goods.
Speaker 8: I mean, really everything under the sun? What?
Speaker 1: No volleyball, play, no lesie.
Speaker 3: I hate to say it, but this man is really
Speaker 3: making me start to distrust politicians. Buzzy, can you believe this?
Speaker 1: I can't believe it. I can't believe it, but it's true.
Speaker 5: Santo's got caught spending campaign money on botox and OnlyFans.
Speaker 5: And this is on top of him stealing credit cards,
Speaker 5: wirefraud and identity that theft.
Speaker 1: When he goes to jail and they ask him what
Speaker 1: are you in for, He's going to be like, o'tat thing.
Speaker 1: And I don't even get some of the spending.
Speaker 5: How do you how do you spend money on lavish
Speaker 5: trips to Atlantic City?
Speaker 9: Have you been to Atlantic City?
Speaker 5: A lavis trip that means that you don't go home
Speaker 5: with bad bugs. And he's spending money on only fans.
Speaker 1: I mean, I feel sorry.
Speaker 5: For his campaign manager, mister Santos, Should we buy some
Speaker 5: more bumper stickers?
Speaker 1: Now? I mean this to jack Off.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean here's what I think. Why is he
Speaker 3: spending money on botox. He's the youngest member of Congress
Speaker 3: by a thousand years, and you don't get botox. Just
Speaker 3: stand next to Mitch McConnell exactly.
Speaker 5: He doesn't need botox, But the rest of them old
Speaker 5: ass congressmen do. We should at least get Chuck Schumer
Speaker 5: smo titties, some new titties.
Speaker 3: Oh, everybody he wants, he gets. Let's consider the case settled.
Speaker 3: Moving on to international news. Yesterday, President Biden met with
Speaker 3: Chinese President Jijingping, and it sounds like the results were mixed.
Speaker 6: Out of the high stake summit between President and Biden
Speaker 6: and China's president, She the leaders of.
Speaker 10: The world's two greatest superpowers had not even spoken in
Speaker 10: a year. Now lowering the temperature, agreeing, President Biden says
Speaker 10: to pick up the phone when the other one calls.
Speaker 6: There was another headline out of the meeting that I
Speaker 6: think a lot of Americans will be happy to hear.
Speaker 10: Just a week after Washington's National Zoo said farewell to
Speaker 10: those three giant pandas in DC, President She overnight teas
Speaker 10: that China will send more pandas back to the US,
Speaker 10: calling them envoys of friendship. You fall out this morning
Speaker 10: from President Biden's meeting with a man he called a dictator.
Speaker 1: Look he is, I mean, he's a dictator in Saints.
Speaker 2: He is the guy who is runs the country that
Speaker 2: is based on former government.
Speaker 10: Totally different on the Chinese Foreign ministry quickly responding, calling
Speaker 10: the remark extremely wrong and irresponsible political manipulation.
Speaker 3: Now I understand why China is mad, But in Biden's defense,
Speaker 3: dictator is actually the least defensive thing I've heard an
Speaker 3: eighty year old man called a Chinese dude. And some
Speaker 3: people wish Biden was more diplomatic to a guest. But
Speaker 3: let's be honest. A week from now, everyone in America
Speaker 3: is gonna talk shit about every single person who comes
Speaker 3: over for Thanksgiving. And if I can call my cousin
Speaker 3: a pill popping drama queen, then Biden can call a
Speaker 3: dictator a dictator. Leslie, Am I wrong about this?
Speaker 1: Now?
Speaker 5: You are not wrong about this, but you know, I
Speaker 5: sure wish he had the balls to say it to
Speaker 5: him in person. You know, if you don't call me
Speaker 5: a bitch, call me a bitch to my face.
Speaker 3: I have that on a throw pillow.
Speaker 5: Now what we should be talking about, though, is those pandas.
Speaker 1: I'm so excited they come in here.
Speaker 3: Okay, yes, yes, yes, I pandas are exciting. But let's
Speaker 3: not get distracted by side shows. The media will pay
Speaker 3: attention to the little things, not the serious issues. We
Speaker 3: need to focus on Taiwan, the wigers, climate change.
Speaker 5: Yes, of course, of course taiwan is is very important.
Speaker 1: Of course, but the pandas.
Speaker 5: Did you see the video on the pandness where they
Speaker 5: roll around in the snow?
Speaker 1: Oh my god, they are very cute. The snow makes
Speaker 1: it only cutter.
Speaker 3: I mean, I get it, But we shouldn't take our
Speaker 3: eye off the ball. O.
Speaker 5: Speaking of a ball, did you see the video of
Speaker 5: them playing with the ball?
Speaker 3: I mean that's a now that is adorable that It's
Speaker 3: like a dog meets a bear.
Speaker 1: This is a cute, little big jet cute matter.
Speaker 11: What were we talking about?
Speaker 1: It doesn't matter, It doesn't seem to matter. No, let's
Speaker 1: move on, shall we, Yes, let's move on.
Speaker 5: It's been two years since the Taliban took over Afghanistan,
Speaker 5: and if you're wondering how they're running the country, just
Speaker 5: check this out.
Speaker 7: Fog out of Afghanistan shows Taliban security forces controlling the
Speaker 7: streets of Kambo on rollerblades. The video, which has gone
Speaker 7: viral after being uploaded to YouTube, shows soldiers holding onto
Speaker 7: the side of military vehicles and training on inline skates.
Speaker 5: Okay, I wasn't sure before, but now it's official.
Speaker 1: The Taliban are bad people.
Speaker 11: I mean, God.
Speaker 5: Damn, what the hell is going on with the Taliban?
Speaker 5: Are y'all making another Xanadu movie? And you know what,
Speaker 5: I can't believe how smooth their roads are. I can't
Speaker 5: even drive down the FDR without giving my car a hysterectomy.
Speaker 5: It's just so embarrassing for America that we lost the
Speaker 5: war to a bunch of dudes that's doing the roll bounced.
Speaker 3: You know, although I will say, if we had to
Speaker 3: fight them again, it's good to know all we'll need
Speaker 3: is just a handful of loose gravel.
Speaker 1: And also.
Speaker 11: It's all you need, It's all you need.
Speaker 3: I will say this to be fair to the Taliban,
Speaker 3: which is a phrase I never thought I'd say. This
Speaker 3: is not that much weirder than what police officers over
Speaker 3: here are doing when the riding horses.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's true.
Speaker 5: Like whenever I see a police on a horse, I'm like,
Speaker 5: how's this gonna work if he arrests me.
Speaker 1: Do I just jump on the back of the horse, yeh?
Speaker 1: Or do I have to get my own horse?
Speaker 3: Or does he drag me behind his horse like a
Speaker 3: Western or something.
Speaker 1: I don't know, it's weird.
Speaker 3: The point is Leslie and I both agree that we're
Speaker 3: no different than the Taliban. Finally, let's turn us some
Speaker 3: music news. What rahaps most beloved stars is finally releasing
Speaker 3: a new album that takes the genre in a whole
Speaker 3: new direction.
Speaker 12: Ocass Is Andre three thousand is releasing his first album
Speaker 12: in seventeen years, but it is not what you might expect.
Speaker 12: His debut solo album, in New Blue Sun centers around woodwinds.
Speaker 12: The rapper and songwriter plays flew throughout the album, along
Speaker 12: with other instrumentalists.
Speaker 3: Oh you know what, it's a beautiful, fascinating experiment in this.
Speaker 1: You know it is?
Speaker 5: I gotta say something, Jordan, this man is one of
Speaker 5: the greatest rappers of all time. We have been waiting
Speaker 5: seventeen years for this wall of to release a new
Speaker 5: album and it's all fluke.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna kill somebody.
Speaker 5: This is how you know the white people all winning?
Speaker 5: Y'allna turn Andre three thousand. It took Jeff Rotel.
Speaker 3: It's a fair point, Leslie, but I'm sorry. I think
Speaker 3: this is brave, Yes.
Speaker 1: Ray, because if you play this shit in the hood,
Speaker 1: you're gonna get.
Speaker 3: Your ask me no, you know what, No, don't listen
Speaker 3: to Leslie Andrew three thousand and and sorry sorry, Yes,
Speaker 3: Andre three thousand, Although says more of An Andrew three
Speaker 3: thousand projects, artists have to evolve as they age. You
Speaker 3: can't be rapping into your fifties. There are only so
Speaker 3: many words that rhyme with sciatica.
Speaker 5: I mean, I'm not saying that he can't involved. I'm
Speaker 5: not saying that you don't always have to stay in
Speaker 5: your lane, but try not to drive completely off the
Speaker 5: road into a damn flute star.
Speaker 3: I think it's great.
Speaker 1: He's reaching a new audience.
Speaker 3: You know, a rapper released an instrumental album and finally
Speaker 3: I can understand the lyrics.
Speaker 1: What man, you're crazy? A flu can only go so hard.
Speaker 5: It's not like somebody's saying, yo, be quiet, be quiet.
Speaker 1: The flute is about to come on. That's my shit.
Speaker 3: A flute can still slap, Yes, a flute can slap
Speaker 3: A fluke and slap a flute can slap.
Speaker 1: Personally.
Speaker 3: I can't wait for that moment when a tesla pulls
Speaker 3: up next to me blasting this album at a moderate volume. Y'all,
Speaker 3: I'll travel, no base, sw no Andre.
Speaker 5: Now, do not listen to him. And you know what
Speaker 5: you owe me an apology right now?
Speaker 1: And you know what that apology should sound like. Sorry,
Speaker 1: miss Leslie.
Speaker 8: And for re.
Speaker 3: No but to make a Leslie apologize for playing the
Speaker 3: flute's sorrow, miss les we come back all your time, sir,
Speaker 3: miss lastly.
Speaker 1: For real, walk them back to the Daily Show.
Speaker 5: The holidays are coming soon, which means it's time to
Speaker 5: open up our hearts, even for people who don't deserve it.
Speaker 5: So I hit the streets to find out if New
Speaker 5: Yorkers can get into the holiday spirit.
Speaker 1: All right, I'm out here on the streets, and uh.
Speaker 5: We're gonna see if people can reach down into their
Speaker 5: heart and soul for the holidays and say something nice.
Speaker 5: I gotta I gotta remember to say something nice.
Speaker 1: I gotta I gotta.
Speaker 5: This Thanksgiving time, it's time to you know, do nice
Speaker 5: things for people.
Speaker 1: You know, goodwill to men, you know all that all
Speaker 1: that shit.
Speaker 5: So there's gotta be something you can say nice about
Speaker 5: mikes man?
Speaker 1: Mmm, it's fed. Maybe this it's shit. Yea, this is
Speaker 1: not really.
Speaker 5: But you don't have to worry about him, girl, because
Speaker 5: I mean unless the name of his mother, Mi Grol,
Speaker 5: would not be into him.
Speaker 1: No, you say that so hard and then you never know.
Speaker 5: Penn, slide up to your girl and be like, don't
Speaker 5: believe what these hoes be saying.
Speaker 1: We gotta say something nice. So what nice do you
Speaker 1: have to say about this man?
Speaker 5: Let's see, he looks like he he can tie a
Speaker 5: nice time.
Speaker 1: He could tie a nice time. That actually is it
Speaker 1: is pretty clean? Damn, Kim Joe. What can you give
Speaker 1: me about cleoting? Okay, he shaves his chest. He shaves
Speaker 1: his chest, so I gotta give him the nice skin.
Speaker 5: Nice skin, thanksgiving, goodness, animal lovers, comfortable, He's possible in
Speaker 5: his own skin.
Speaker 1: Body positivity. You are killing it. What can you say
Speaker 1: nice about this man? He's rich? That's not well, okay,
Speaker 1: I mean nothing.
Speaker 12: I will say he's intelligent like he is.
Speaker 1: He's mark who.
Speaker 12: He's done a lot right like technology, and.
Speaker 11: They all make mistakes.
Speaker 5: I'm sure he has good ideas, but yeah, exactly, he
Speaker 5: doesn't do them.
Speaker 1: I don't know.
Speaker 5: Okay, see David, David said nice thing, and they'd take
Speaker 5: him back.
Speaker 1: All right, Yeah, do you know what it says?
Speaker 9: Oh?
Speaker 5: Yes, Moderick Taylor, she's more than a damn Okay, No,
Speaker 5: we gotta be nice.
Speaker 1: We gotta be nice. What can you say about this
Speaker 1: woman that is nice? She seems to love her country.
Speaker 1: I'll take it.
Speaker 5: That's right, that that's on that that's on the line.
Speaker 1: But I will take it. This is the season for love.
Speaker 5: We gotta say nice things about people.
Speaker 1: Amy and Jeff. What can you say nice about this woman?
Speaker 4: Boy?
Speaker 5: Come on, dig down, its thank it's Thanksgiving, it's Christmas.
Speaker 5: Nice nice, nice feet or maybe wait a minute, teeth
Speaker 5: she has nice team like Okay, she could be in
Speaker 5: a Barbie movie, right yeah, it definitely could be.
Speaker 1: In a Barbie movie. Right yeah, yeah, positive, it's I
Speaker 1: know who that is. You don't know who it is.
Speaker 1: I have no clue that is who is? That is
Speaker 1: the vaka Trump?
Speaker 5: Oh she's pretty.
Speaker 1: I would think she's pretty. Listen, her hair is nice.
Speaker 1: Her hair is nice.
Speaker 5: They're like you, David, that's that's take what we could take.
Speaker 5: The bangs ain't good though, Reach down, reach deep, down
Speaker 5: like he does into the budget to send people to
Speaker 5: where they're not supposed to be sent.
Speaker 1: He is, he is one of God's children. He's one
Speaker 1: of God's child.
Speaker 7: It's a beautiful kid.
Speaker 5: I'm gonna disagree, Joannette. I don't think God creating this
Speaker 5: piece of ship. Okay, No, God, I'm trying. I'm trying
Speaker 5: so hard with the the.
Speaker 1: Thank you, let's letter.
Speaker 4: When we come back, Tako, let's say j let is
Speaker 4: top of that, We'll go away.
Speaker 1: Oh, welcome back to the day they show.
Speaker 5: My guest tonight is an actor and an Oscar winning
Speaker 5: filmmaker whose new movie is called Next Goal Wins. Yes,
Speaker 5: please welcome tis out. Yes he's silly, Yes he is
Speaker 5: very very Yes he is very silly.
Speaker 1: Are you here very silly? Yes? Boom.
Speaker 11: Then this is let me absorbed their energy and their souls.
Speaker 1: So damn second.
Speaker 11: I'm ready enough, I'm fed, I'm ready.
Speaker 1: Tell me about this new movie, Next Goal Win. Tell
Speaker 1: me about it.
Speaker 11: I'll tell you about it. It's the true story of
Speaker 11: the worst soccer team in the world and has really happened.
Speaker 11: American Summer had a team and in the history of
Speaker 11: the country, they'd never won a game or scored a goal.
Speaker 11: They still they still hold the record for the biggest
Speaker 11: international loss and that was against Australia and that was
Speaker 11: thirty one zero.
Speaker 1: Wow.
Speaker 11: So they didn't let that deter them. They got a
Speaker 11: new coach played by Michael Fassbender. He came in, turned
Speaker 11: them around, and you know, they gave each other a
Speaker 11: little something and yeah, they both gained something from that relationship.
Speaker 11: And it's just a it's like an uplifting story rare
Speaker 11: these days, you know, where nothing bad happens to anyone,
Speaker 11: and it's just a beautiful, uplifting story about an underdog
Speaker 11: sports team.
Speaker 5: Yes, oh my godness, tell me, tell me, tell me
Speaker 5: how you pick projects because you are funny.
Speaker 1: You know people don't.
Speaker 5: Notice about Taker is that he's very funny. He has
Speaker 5: a great sense of humor and most of his projects
Speaker 5: are really funny.
Speaker 1: Like, what what makes you pick the projtice? What? What
Speaker 1: do you What is your aim when you're doing that?
Speaker 11: I have to most of it is like I want
Speaker 11: to go to work and know that I'm gonna have
Speaker 11: a good time and then I'm gonna enjoy my day.
Speaker 11: And you know, because I'm a filmmaker and we get
Speaker 11: to go and do these projects, and people still haven't
Speaker 11: figured out it's not a real job. You know what
Speaker 11: we what we get to do, I mean we should
Speaker 11: like I'm amazed that they let us still do this stuff.
Speaker 11: You know, we get to go to work, put makeup on,
Speaker 11: trips up and these things. They's not even my clubes.
Speaker 11: You're not going to do these things. I'm gonna give
Speaker 11: these back after this, you know, and then then they
Speaker 11: go pretend all day and then we go home and
Speaker 11: then But in a lot of times in these industries,
Speaker 11: people are bitching the moment in about like oh my
Speaker 11: coffee wasn't hot enough. It's like, man, like, just chill out.
Speaker 11: This is a good. So the whole films about just
Speaker 11: chilling out reminding people what we've got is pretty good.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 11: Yeah, wow, i'most taking this and taking this free cup.
Speaker 11: I'm gonna take it. You know, I got this w
Speaker 11: that's of in mind too. That's it. Oh, you guys
Speaker 11: think we're all big wigs. We're rolling in it. We
Speaker 11: need we get what we can get. We take what we.
Speaker 5: Can get, but we don't have a whole bunch of
Speaker 5: cups for you.
Speaker 1: Tell me now, you know I'm gonna bring it up.
Speaker 1: Our flag means death, yes, yes, yes, Spanish jacket.
Speaker 5: So do you know what beast you was creating when
Speaker 5: you made me Spanish Jackson?
Speaker 1: Do you know the trouble you already in my house.
Speaker 5: Because I can't nobody talk to me now.
Speaker 1: I want twenty.
Speaker 5: Husbands, I have a sword, have a gang of outfits.
Speaker 1: You know, the princess. So what was you thinking when
Speaker 1: you created my mouth?
Speaker 6: My?
Speaker 11: Uh? You know, it's just we need powerful people on
Speaker 11: screen like that. You know that show so inclusive and
Speaker 11: you know everyone's represented, and it's I mean it's like
Speaker 11: Spot the hitter and that's and there and then Butt
Speaker 11: the heter sexual character in that show, which is beautiful.
Speaker 11: It's a great thing to have. Also, you know that
Speaker 11: we we just need more shows that are different and
Speaker 11: feel like that, you know, I mean, I don't know
Speaker 11: if you've seen all the The Amazing Fan which is basically.
Speaker 1: Just so so good.
Speaker 11: Yes, there are some incredible soft porn out of South there.
Speaker 11: I've got people getting my face, so I found one.
Speaker 11: My my head is black bed tattooed on the body
Speaker 11: of a dog.
Speaker 1: Uh, but you're such a good black beard.
Speaker 5: Oh my god, I would watch the show even if
Speaker 5: I wasn't on it.
Speaker 1: That's how good that show is so good.
Speaker 5: I love the relationship of black and black Beard. I
Speaker 5: just it's one of my favorite things on the show
Speaker 5: because it shows such like vulnerability and love and like
Speaker 5: a tough man finding his feelings. I think it's so
Speaker 5: important that. Yeah, the show that on screen. Do you
Speaker 5: know what I'm saying, That tough men are supposed to
Speaker 5: have feelings too, is like the way you found your
Speaker 5: way to love and everything.
Speaker 1: I love everything about it.
Speaker 11: You know, when you look at human beings in general,
Speaker 11: when people, you know, when tough guys say things like,
Speaker 11: you know, never let anyone get too close, you know,
Speaker 11: not gonna never fall in love. That's because they have
Speaker 11: a tendency to let people get too close and want
Speaker 11: to get close and it suckers for love. Yeah, and
Speaker 11: saying oh I can't get too close. That they love
Speaker 11: getting close to people.
Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's something I've learned about you. Yeah,
Speaker 5: that's something When I first got out, I was like,
Speaker 5: he's just a big old softy and he just loves.
Speaker 11: Love and he wouldn't think it, big big old love lover.
Speaker 5: Well, okay, including me. You had some serious cameos. Come
Speaker 5: on there, Mini driver Bronson Penjolt.
Speaker 1: Is that how you say? His name is?
Speaker 5: Balki will Arnett, Fred Armisen, Like, how.
Speaker 1: Do you get them to come?
Speaker 11: I mean, I mean, it's like I would like to
Speaker 11: think it's just me, but I think that. I think that,
Speaker 11: you know, whatever the popularity of the show was, and
Speaker 11: like how people and people got to see some of
Speaker 11: the stuff that we'd made in the first season, I
Speaker 11: think that just was testament to the good job we
Speaker 11: were doing, and people wanted to sign on to that.
Speaker 11: And you know, I think comedians follow comedians and like, yeah,
Speaker 11: we're all friends and real crib everyone. It's a lot
Speaker 11: easier for us to get each other to convince each other.
Speaker 11: We're so massive extraverst that's yes, it's not that hard
Speaker 11: to get people to be in your show.
Speaker 1: Yes.
Speaker 5: Now, I'm pretty sure you get this question all the time,
Speaker 5: but I'm going to ask it because you know, I'm crazy.
Speaker 1: Do you know you find as hell?
Speaker 5: I mean, you're like, you're like one of those guys
Speaker 5: in high school that don't know that they're cute.
Speaker 11: Oh I know, and I knew back then too. So
Speaker 11: the thing is, you know, I don't know if you
Speaker 11: get like you know, some of you will get this
Speaker 11: when you walk past a shiny surface like a reflection
Speaker 11: and you catch a glimpse of yourself and.
Speaker 1: You're like, nice, is that.
Speaker 11: He's doing it? Why is he looking at me like that?
Speaker 11: I'm not gonna say no.
Speaker 5: Well, people, next Goal WINZ is in the theaters now everywhere.
Speaker 5: On Novem seventeenth, We're gonna take a break.
Speaker 1: Thank you Tiger for coming up.
Speaker 9: WHOA, that's our show for tonight.
Speaker 5: That's our show for tonight and my time as a
Speaker 5: guest host. But if you want to know more about
Speaker 5: what's going on with my upcoming to a day or
Speaker 5: grab my book Leslie Jones, check out the link below
Speaker 5: and stay tuned next week when the Daily Show team
Speaker 5: takes over the desk.
Speaker 1: Now, thank you so much for having me this.
Speaker 2: Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
Speaker 2: searching The Daily Show wherever you.
Speaker 1: Get your podcasts.
Speaker 2: Watch The Daily Show week nights at eleven ten Central
Speaker 2: on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus.
Speaker 1: This has been a Comedy Central podcast.
Speaker 5: Now