WEBVTT - Tig Notaro on learning to embrace vulnerability 0:00:04.120 --> 0:00:06.120 What do you do when life doesn't go according to 0:00:06.200 --> 0:00:09.760 plan that moment you lose a job, or a loved one, 0:00:10.280 --> 0:00:14.080 or even a piece of yourself. I'm Brookshields and this 0:00:14.560 --> 0:00:18.759 is now What a podcast about pivotal moments as told 0:00:18.760 --> 0:00:21.600 by people who lived them. Each week, I sit down 0:00:21.600 --> 0:00:23.840 with a guest to talk about the times they were 0:00:23.920 --> 0:00:26.920 knocked off course and what they did to move forward. 0:00:27.880 --> 0:00:33.080 Some stories are funny, others are gut wrenching, but all 0:00:33.360 --> 0:00:38.320 are unapologetically human and remind us that every success and 0:00:38.479 --> 0:00:42.800 every setback is accompanied by a choice, and that choice 0:00:43.000 --> 0:00:51.840 answers one question. Now, what are either of your son's performers? 0:00:52.640 --> 0:00:52.800 Uh? 0:00:52.920 --> 0:00:53.840 Yeah? 0:00:53.880 --> 0:00:54.880 Are they very different? 0:00:55.000 --> 0:00:57.720 Oh my gosh, completely different, but they have the same 0:00:57.960 --> 0:01:04.920 interest in that they're both very into to sports baseball, basketball, football, soccer. 0:01:05.360 --> 0:01:10.440 But then our son Max is into musicals, but only 0:01:10.480 --> 0:01:15.399 if there's an orphan involved, and so that's we hear 0:01:15.440 --> 0:01:18.600 a lot of musicals coming from his room that are 0:01:18.760 --> 0:01:19.720 you know, what is it? 0:01:19.800 --> 0:01:21.720 Oliver and Annie and. 0:01:21.640 --> 0:01:26.440 Oliver Annie and probably Newsy's has a there's an orphan Newsy's. 0:01:26.560 --> 0:01:30.840 Yeah, yeah, that's it. Yes, yeah, all about orphans. 0:01:31.120 --> 0:01:37.360 And Stephanie always says if Max went in for an audition, 0:01:37.600 --> 0:01:38.800 he would book every role. 0:01:39.200 --> 0:01:41.160 He's just so comfortable with himself. 0:01:43.000 --> 0:01:46.520 My guest today is the hilarious Tig Nataro Take as 0:01:46.560 --> 0:01:49.760 a comedian, an actor, a podcaster, a writer, a wife, 0:01:49.800 --> 0:01:53.000 and a loving mother to twin boys. I'm a huge 0:01:53.040 --> 0:01:55.840 fan of her many stand up specials, her Amazon series 0:01:55.840 --> 0:02:00.720 One Mississippi, and her gut wrenching documentary Take, which chronicles 0:02:00.760 --> 0:02:05.400 a number of life altering events, including her twenty twelve 0:02:05.440 --> 0:02:11.320 cancer diagnosis. To an outsider, Tigs now, what moments seem insurmountable, 0:02:12.320 --> 0:02:16.520 yet she's here encouraging us to be vulnerable and making 0:02:16.639 --> 0:02:19.600 us laugh. I'm so pleased that she agreed to speak 0:02:19.639 --> 0:02:21.520 with me, and I think that her courage in the 0:02:21.520 --> 0:02:25.280 face of adversity is something that we could all emulate. So, 0:02:25.360 --> 0:02:32.720 without further ado, here is Tig Nataro. I just want 0:02:32.760 --> 0:02:36.320 to say thank you so much for taking your time 0:02:36.720 --> 0:02:39.320 to spend a little time with me. I'm a huge fan, 0:02:40.000 --> 0:02:42.560 and I wanted to thank you for not only doing 0:02:42.560 --> 0:02:45.000 the show, but for all the wonderfully sweet things that 0:02:45.040 --> 0:02:49.880 you and Cheryl Hines said about my documentary. Yeah, and 0:02:50.200 --> 0:02:54.000 as you know, you are a symbol of we admire 0:02:54.080 --> 0:02:56.280 in the documentary as well, Well. 0:02:56.280 --> 0:02:59.720 Yeah, I was stunned to see myself pop up. I 0:02:59.760 --> 0:03:03.320 was with my childhood friend and we were watching it, 0:03:03.880 --> 0:03:07.080 and uh and my face popped up, and she's like, did. 0:03:06.880 --> 0:03:08.079 You know that was gonna happen? 0:03:08.800 --> 0:03:12.360 No, No, in fact, I thought I hallucinated that. 0:03:14.320 --> 0:03:17.280 Well, I appreciate it and thank you for watching it. 0:03:17.400 --> 0:03:21.360 And I absolutely loved your documentary. 0:03:21.760 --> 0:03:22.480 Oh, thank you. 0:03:23.040 --> 0:03:28.160 I just I think that you your type of comedy is 0:03:28.320 --> 0:03:34.360 my favorite favorite place to be. It's so perfect, and 0:03:34.400 --> 0:03:37.680 I just I'm so thank you. You do what you 0:03:37.720 --> 0:03:38.560 do well. 0:03:38.400 --> 0:03:39.480 I appreciate that. 0:03:40.520 --> 0:03:43.960 And I I guess you saw in the documentary. 0:03:44.000 --> 0:03:45.880 I know your husband. I love your husband. 0:03:46.000 --> 0:03:49.360 I had I had that memory of telling him to 0:03:49.520 --> 0:03:53.760 tell you that I loved your book. I mean it 0:03:53.920 --> 0:03:59.480 was so, so, so great. And then anyway, anyway, I 0:03:59.560 --> 0:04:03.160 just went tell you to your face how great that 0:04:03.200 --> 0:04:03.680 book was. 0:04:04.320 --> 0:04:07.680 Thank you very much. Tell me a little bit about 0:04:07.800 --> 0:04:10.200 I mean, it's so much of it is in your documentary. 0:04:10.240 --> 0:04:13.120 But for people don't know, what was your world like 0:04:13.160 --> 0:04:15.080 when you were a little kid. 0:04:14.960 --> 0:04:17.200 When I was little growing up, I mean I would 0:04:17.279 --> 0:04:20.480 say I probably had a lot of similarity to your 0:04:21.440 --> 0:04:26.520 except for being a model and an actor. But my 0:04:26.640 --> 0:04:31.200 mother was kind of unpredictable and like to party, and 0:04:32.040 --> 0:04:36.120 my stepfather was very he was an attorney, he was 0:04:36.120 --> 0:04:40.160 in the military. So I had these two very different 0:04:40.720 --> 0:04:47.240 parents raising me. And so my mother encouraged the artist 0:04:47.360 --> 0:04:50.680 and me and the athlete and me and kind of 0:04:50.760 --> 0:04:55.520 everything that I was. And my stepfather didn't get it 0:04:55.880 --> 0:05:01.240 and wasn't terribly supportive, but he provided I did structure, 0:05:01.440 --> 0:05:03.640 and and then he'd go out of town. And then 0:05:04.480 --> 0:05:08.960 there was absolutely no structure with my mother. But you know, 0:05:09.120 --> 0:05:13.640 we we did cool things. And I'm originally from Mississippi, 0:05:13.720 --> 0:05:17.480 and we'd go hang out with our family out there, 0:05:17.600 --> 0:05:23.279 who are very fun and open loving, not perfect people, 0:05:23.800 --> 0:05:28.920 but you know, had some, i would say, really fun 0:05:29.440 --> 0:05:34.240 crazy times as a kid, water skiing and swamps, you know, 0:05:34.800 --> 0:05:36.280 as a little girl does. 0:05:36.120 --> 0:05:38.480 As one does. In your book, you talk a lot 0:05:38.480 --> 0:05:43.880 about your mom, and there's some similarities. And she was 0:05:44.080 --> 0:05:45.480 she drank as well, yes. 0:05:45.560 --> 0:05:48.760 Yeah, and she's she would stop and she'd start, and 0:05:48.800 --> 0:05:53.160 she would stop and she'd start, and and there's that 0:05:53.240 --> 0:05:57.760 whole roller coaster of she was so fun and funny 0:05:57.839 --> 0:06:02.520 and beautiful and and and then just like would nose 0:06:02.640 --> 0:06:06.680 dive in the world of alcohol and kind of be 0:06:06.800 --> 0:06:11.360 a little reckless. And like, I can't even imagine doing 0:06:11.600 --> 0:06:14.440 what my mother, like she would put us to sleep 0:06:14.480 --> 0:06:19.400 and then go out. I can't even imagine with our kids, 0:06:19.720 --> 0:06:24.400 you know, we're so yeah, I just I cannot even 0:06:24.600 --> 0:06:28.240 imagine doing half the stuff my mother didn't. 0:06:28.960 --> 0:06:32.400 I was basically an only child of an alcoholic mom. 0:06:32.440 --> 0:06:34.719 I mean, my parents were separated but when I was 0:06:34.920 --> 0:06:37.680 very very young, and I did have that duality too 0:06:37.720 --> 0:06:42.280 with my father's very structured life. But I definitely had 0:06:42.320 --> 0:06:45.000 to grow up, probably more quickly than many of my 0:06:45.920 --> 0:06:49.120 friends did, and sort of learn how to fend for myself. 0:06:49.560 --> 0:06:51.760 What do you think having that kind of a mother 0:06:52.440 --> 0:06:54.080 did for you? 0:06:54.640 --> 0:06:58.160 I mean, I feel like I grew up a lot faster, 0:06:58.720 --> 0:07:01.640 you know, and I think I had it forced me 0:07:01.800 --> 0:07:08.040 to be more aware and careful of just my surroundings. 0:07:09.360 --> 0:07:13.600 My mother, my mother, definitely, yeah. I mean, you you 0:07:13.720 --> 0:07:14.600 know how how. 0:07:14.480 --> 0:07:18.320 It is where there's just there's both of those. 0:07:19.600 --> 0:07:24.880 Sides of somebody, and the extraordinary and incredible is through 0:07:24.880 --> 0:07:30.200 the roof, and the unpredictable, terrible stuff is through the roof. 0:07:30.800 --> 0:07:31.920 And when and when. 0:07:31.760 --> 0:07:38.600 They're happening, they are fully those things glorious in that moment. 0:07:39.200 --> 0:07:41.640 But yeah, I think it just I think that really 0:07:42.160 --> 0:07:44.320 made me grow up a lot faster too. And I 0:07:44.320 --> 0:07:47.840 think it also there's this kind of famous moment from 0:07:47.920 --> 0:07:51.760 my childhood of my principle saying to me, what if 0:07:51.800 --> 0:07:54.640 your mother knew what you were up to? And I 0:07:54.760 --> 0:07:56.960 said to my principal, what if you knew what my 0:07:57.040 --> 0:08:02.560 mother was up to? And so I kind of had 0:08:02.600 --> 0:08:06.320 this side of me where it was a vibe and 0:08:06.360 --> 0:08:08.320 I still have it, if you can go to hell. 0:08:08.920 --> 0:08:10.000 And my mother kind. 0:08:09.840 --> 0:08:13.360 Of instilled that in me because she really had my 0:08:13.520 --> 0:08:16.200 back in ways in life, and she would just be like, 0:08:16.280 --> 0:08:18.480 if anyone's got a problem, you tell them to go 0:08:18.520 --> 0:08:23.240 to hell. But I think also having a parent like 0:08:23.320 --> 0:08:26.440 that kind of gave me this vibe of. 0:08:27.080 --> 0:08:29.360 You can go to hell. You know, you don't even 0:08:29.360 --> 0:08:30.680 know what I'm dealing with. 0:08:31.560 --> 0:08:34.640 I can identify with that. I mean, you know, my 0:08:34.760 --> 0:08:38.720 mom was always like she used other choice words to 0:08:38.800 --> 0:08:43.360 say the same thing, but she you know, she always 0:08:43.360 --> 0:08:45.439 had this I was born into the world alone. I'll 0:08:45.520 --> 0:08:48.760 leave the world alone and everybody can just go, you know, 0:08:48.880 --> 0:08:51.920 And it's funny because there's a false bravado in that, 0:08:52.160 --> 0:08:57.440 you know. And I find the complexity of loving somebody 0:08:57.880 --> 0:09:02.960 like that so deeply fascinating because people seem to want 0:09:03.000 --> 0:09:05.120 it to be one way or the other. And I 0:09:05.200 --> 0:09:09.000 find that you really have to acknowledge both sides. Because 0:09:09.080 --> 0:09:14.080 part of my mother her fabulousness, her terry terrific, which 0:09:14.120 --> 0:09:18.760 is what she nicknamed herself. But my mom also had 0:09:18.760 --> 0:09:22.360 this brilliant sense of humor. And I got so much 0:09:22.400 --> 0:09:24.079 of my sense of humor. Did your mom have a 0:09:24.120 --> 0:09:24.640 sense of humor? 0:09:24.600 --> 0:09:25.240 Oh my gosh. 0:09:25.280 --> 0:09:28.160 My mother was the funniest person in the room. And 0:09:29.040 --> 0:09:32.480 I remember after she had died, her best friend had 0:09:32.520 --> 0:09:34.720 come to see me do stand up and came up 0:09:34.760 --> 0:09:37.840 and she said, you know where you got that? That's 0:09:37.920 --> 0:09:41.120 not all that's not you, that's not all you. You 0:09:41.200 --> 0:09:43.080 know where you got that? And I'm like, yeah, I do. 0:09:44.679 --> 0:09:48.480 I'm very aware, very aware. I mean I always tell 0:09:48.520 --> 0:09:52.000 people that there's no world where somebody would ever say 0:09:52.040 --> 0:09:57.160 to me, yeah, I think I met your mother. It 0:09:57.160 --> 0:10:00.839 would be like, oh I met your mother, Oh yeah, 0:10:01.000 --> 0:10:01.559 I've met her. 0:10:02.679 --> 0:10:06.680 Yeah. She was very funny, very wild, very amusing person. 0:10:07.640 --> 0:10:13.320 What kind of mothering from her. Do you retain for 0:10:13.440 --> 0:10:14.120 your children? 0:10:15.400 --> 0:10:18.160 I think just the side of me that's very much 0:10:18.400 --> 0:10:22.719 like you be exactly who you are, you'd be exactly 0:10:23.520 --> 0:10:27.080 who you want to be. Our job is to build 0:10:27.120 --> 0:10:33.199 a safety fence around the huge pasture, and then that's 0:10:33.440 --> 0:10:36.280 hopefully what we'll keep them safe, and then within that 0:10:36.600 --> 0:10:40.079 area go nuts and figure stuff out. 0:10:40.160 --> 0:10:44.800 And you talked about always wanting children when you were 0:10:44.840 --> 0:10:45.520 a little kid. 0:10:46.040 --> 0:10:49.400 Yeah, And it's so funny because it was clearly before 0:10:49.400 --> 0:10:52.120 I knew I was gay. And if you look at 0:10:52.160 --> 0:10:55.040 pictures of me through my whole life, it's a mystery 0:10:55.040 --> 0:10:59.400 that I didn't know I was gay. But I always 0:10:59.440 --> 0:11:03.840 pictured myself solo with a child, and I didn't know 0:11:03.880 --> 0:11:06.640 how that child was going to get there. I always 0:11:06.679 --> 0:11:09.200 pictured putting the baby in a basket and just riding 0:11:09.240 --> 0:11:14.320 my bicycle around. That was just the vision of my 0:11:14.400 --> 0:11:15.719 life that I imagined. 0:11:16.520 --> 0:11:19.440 I always wanted children, and I always thought that i'd 0:11:19.440 --> 0:11:23.480 be a single mom, don't I thought I'd be in there, huh, 0:11:23.520 --> 0:11:25.839 I have the kid like strapped to me somewhere, and 0:11:25.880 --> 0:11:29.520 I'd be just going about and with like my fun 0:11:29.559 --> 0:11:32.400 friends and going to theater and just having the baby, 0:11:32.400 --> 0:11:35.679 and just like I, you know, I tell Chris sometimes 0:11:35.679 --> 0:11:37.840 that's still my still my vision. I know. 0:11:37.920 --> 0:11:40.720 It's so weird to look up in my life and 0:11:40.960 --> 0:11:46.280 see that I have a stable life and family and 0:11:46.440 --> 0:11:51.440 spouse and in laws like I don't even I can't 0:11:51.480 --> 0:11:54.520 even believe. I thought I would be working a minimum 0:11:54.600 --> 0:11:58.760 wage job, have my baby and my bicycle basket, and 0:11:58.880 --> 0:12:01.240 that would be the extent of my life and I'd 0:12:01.240 --> 0:12:08.640 have just rotating girlfriends, you know, my whole life. 0:12:12.040 --> 0:12:13.760 At what point do you think that you started to 0:12:13.840 --> 0:12:16.880 craft the life that you have now? Because what you 0:12:16.960 --> 0:12:20.719 described takes work, and maybe it's something you couldn't have 0:12:20.800 --> 0:12:22.400 arrived at much earlier. 0:12:23.160 --> 0:12:27.000 I for sure couldn't have arrived where I am any earlier. 0:12:27.240 --> 0:12:32.240 And I think that when I got really sick in 0:12:32.240 --> 0:12:37.719 twenty twelve and had these three potentially deadly illnesses at 0:12:37.720 --> 0:12:42.240 the same time. And it's funny because after I came 0:12:42.400 --> 0:12:47.640 through being so sick, I would get asked all the time. 0:12:48.600 --> 0:12:49.440 You know, most. 0:12:49.240 --> 0:12:53.520 People that have this that they say, oh, I really 0:12:53.559 --> 0:12:56.440 needed that wake up call, And at the time when 0:12:56.440 --> 0:13:00.360 I had first gotten better, I thought, oh, oh no, 0:13:00.600 --> 0:13:02.760 you know, I never needed a wake up call, or 0:13:02.880 --> 0:13:05.679 oh no. I think if you talk to any of 0:13:05.679 --> 0:13:08.280 my friends, they would say takes out the type of 0:13:08.280 --> 0:13:10.280 person that needs a wake up call. And it's not 0:13:10.360 --> 0:13:13.800 that I think that it happened as that I needed 0:13:13.840 --> 0:13:17.600 a wake up call. But it took me years after 0:13:18.559 --> 0:13:22.960 I was so sick to realize how it actually was 0:13:23.040 --> 0:13:28.240 a wake up call in a huge disguise. And I 0:13:28.280 --> 0:13:32.360 think that I just was floating through life, and after 0:13:32.440 --> 0:13:38.880 being so ill, I realized where I was on just 0:13:39.080 --> 0:13:42.160 cruise control in life and I wasn't That's why I 0:13:42.200 --> 0:13:46.400 think I was. I mean not that if you're having 0:13:46.480 --> 0:13:49.640 a bunch of different girlfriends or dating a lot, that 0:13:49.720 --> 0:13:52.559 you need a wake up call. I just wasn't really 0:13:52.600 --> 0:13:56.400 connecting on a deeper level. And I wasn't very focused 0:13:56.440 --> 0:13:59.880 in my job, and I wasn't. I just I just 0:14:01.120 --> 0:14:03.880 I think that the way I arrived where I am 0:14:04.000 --> 0:14:08.440 now is truly oddly thanks to when I was so 0:14:08.559 --> 0:14:09.960 sick in twenty twelve. 0:14:10.400 --> 0:14:13.960 For people that are not fully aware of those years 0:14:14.240 --> 0:14:17.680 or that year starting in twenty twelve, it was just 0:14:18.040 --> 0:14:22.040 a four month span of time that you were hospitalized, 0:14:22.080 --> 0:14:27.200 you had an intestinal disease seediff, you were diagnosed SEED if. 0:14:27.840 --> 0:14:30.320 I had pneumonia, I had seedediff, and I also had 0:14:30.440 --> 0:14:33.360 invasive cancer, all simultaneously. 0:14:33.920 --> 0:14:35.960 Well, the whole thing. And then on top of that, 0:14:36.040 --> 0:14:37.920 your mother passes away. 0:14:37.680 --> 0:14:40.200 Suddenly she tripped and hit her head. 0:14:40.120 --> 0:14:41.560 And you break up with your girlfriend. 0:14:41.680 --> 0:14:45.040 Yeah time, Yeah, the whole four months was freakish. And yeah, 0:14:45.400 --> 0:14:48.560 my girlfriend and I split up in the middle of 0:14:48.600 --> 0:14:49.200 all that too. 0:14:49.520 --> 0:14:52.600 How did you even begin to cope with all of 0:14:52.640 --> 0:14:53.600 that at once? 0:14:54.400 --> 0:14:55.520 I really don't know. 0:14:57.400 --> 0:15:01.160 I know that there were just the the moments that 0:15:02.040 --> 0:15:05.640 what I was relying on to give myself any sort 0:15:05.680 --> 0:15:09.680 of encouragement or strength, But it was the tiniest moments 0:15:09.760 --> 0:15:12.320 of Okay, I got up, I got out of bed, 0:15:12.440 --> 0:15:17.840 I brushed my teeth. I kept things very small and focused. 0:15:17.920 --> 0:15:22.680 I didn't socialize. I had my very tight knit group 0:15:22.720 --> 0:15:27.960 of friends. I patted myself on the back for, like 0:15:28.000 --> 0:15:30.200 I said, getting up and brushing my teeth. I just 0:15:30.280 --> 0:15:33.200 I tried to keep everything very my world very small, 0:15:33.760 --> 0:15:39.160 so I didn't get distracted or overwhelmed by anything beyond 0:15:39.840 --> 0:15:43.560 brushing my teeth, seeing my three friends. 0:15:44.080 --> 0:15:47.280 And I don't know how I got through it. 0:15:47.360 --> 0:15:50.760 Sometimes when I look back, I kind of I kind 0:15:50.760 --> 0:15:53.920 of can't believe that all of that happened in four months. 0:15:54.480 --> 0:15:58.840 I'm struck by why you didn't really sort of tell 0:15:59.080 --> 0:16:02.760 your family the extent of how sick you were. 0:16:03.080 --> 0:16:03.400 Well. 0:16:03.800 --> 0:16:08.720 I told my family about the cancer. It was when 0:16:08.760 --> 0:16:12.120 I had SEEDFF and pneumonia that I kept that to 0:16:12.240 --> 0:16:17.720 myself because I was so that's that wake up call. 0:16:17.880 --> 0:16:20.800 Is before I was sick, and when I was sick, 0:16:20.880 --> 0:16:24.720 I was so closed off and protective of myself that 0:16:25.000 --> 0:16:29.040 I didn't want to worry my friends or family, and 0:16:29.120 --> 0:16:31.120 I just wanted to kind of get through it. And 0:16:31.160 --> 0:16:34.960 I wasn't typically a sickly person, and so I just thought, 0:16:35.120 --> 0:16:38.280 I'll just get through this and not bother anyone with it. 0:16:38.800 --> 0:16:42.840 And I remember also, when I had gotten out of 0:16:42.840 --> 0:16:46.560 the hospital, I ran into this comedian, Pete Holmes and 0:16:46.600 --> 0:16:48.880 he said, oh my gosh, I heard you were sick. 0:16:48.960 --> 0:16:52.800 And Sarah Silverman showed me this picture of you in 0:16:52.880 --> 0:16:57.280 the hospital, and I was said, she did, she showed 0:16:57.320 --> 0:16:57.720 you that. 0:16:58.160 --> 0:17:00.000 I was so mortified. 0:17:00.560 --> 0:17:04.320 This is before everybody shared everything on Instagram and whatever. 0:17:04.400 --> 0:17:07.280 And I called Sarah and I was like, you cannot 0:17:07.400 --> 0:17:10.840 show anybody, you know, and she was so sorry and 0:17:10.880 --> 0:17:13.760 she said, oh my god, I wasn't thinking. I was 0:17:13.880 --> 0:17:16.800 just thinking, Oh, if it were me, I wouldn't care. 0:17:16.880 --> 0:17:20.680 I would show anybody anything. And I was so upset 0:17:20.800 --> 0:17:25.880 and so protective. And now after I went through all 0:17:25.960 --> 0:17:30.760 that and just the vulnerability of being so sick and 0:17:30.840 --> 0:17:35.200 needing so much help and being so deeply sad with 0:17:35.320 --> 0:17:40.480 the loss, and you just kind of you don't hold 0:17:40.560 --> 0:17:44.360 so tightly to those things anymore. 0:17:44.760 --> 0:17:46.640 Is it really just you don't want to bother them? 0:17:46.960 --> 0:17:51.679 Or what's the fear in that? I'm just interested in, like, 0:17:51.800 --> 0:17:53.439 what why we do that? 0:17:54.080 --> 0:17:55.080 Yeah? I am too. 0:17:55.720 --> 0:18:00.240 I really I don't know where that comes from, but 0:18:00.320 --> 0:18:03.960 I'm you know, probably it's connected to this life that 0:18:04.000 --> 0:18:08.160 we're talking about, the childhood of you develop a protective 0:18:08.960 --> 0:18:11.959 way when you've been through a certain amount in life, 0:18:12.040 --> 0:18:17.040 I think, and you kind of have that, you have 0:18:17.080 --> 0:18:21.320 that layer of protection and you don't want anyone to 0:18:21.440 --> 0:18:24.000 think that you're down or suffering. 0:18:24.800 --> 0:18:27.240 I just always wonder why we do that, And I 0:18:27.280 --> 0:18:30.080 do think it's upbringing for me. I don't know if 0:18:30.119 --> 0:18:33.400 do you ever find that there's a fear that somehow 0:18:33.640 --> 0:18:34.879 you won't be taken care of? 0:18:35.359 --> 0:18:37.399 Maybe that might be part of it. 0:18:38.520 --> 0:18:42.200 And I when I'm thinking about it, I feel if 0:18:42.200 --> 0:18:45.600 that's any part of where I was coming from before. 0:18:46.680 --> 0:18:51.600 I feel so lucky to have Stephanie because she has 0:18:51.920 --> 0:19:00.359 taken care of me like nobody's business. 0:19:03.560 --> 0:19:06.320 You had a famous comedy set not long after your 0:19:06.359 --> 0:19:12.160 diagnosis that took your career to a new level. Listening 0:19:12.200 --> 0:19:16.080 to it feels like a type of Catharsis. Did your 0:19:16.119 --> 0:19:18.280 stand up help you process things at all or be 0:19:18.400 --> 0:19:20.720 vulnerable and contained space? 0:19:21.840 --> 0:19:24.760 I guess so. I think that. 0:19:26.200 --> 0:19:30.000 I've always I mean, I was raised by with humor 0:19:30.160 --> 0:19:33.000 all around me, whether it was meant to be funny 0:19:33.119 --> 0:19:37.680 or not, and I do think that it's something I 0:19:37.720 --> 0:19:42.600 have always used when I've needed any sort of out 0:19:42.720 --> 0:19:47.440 or support. That's how I've handled it is making light, 0:19:47.880 --> 0:19:51.399 and that's what I really started to do in twenty 0:19:51.520 --> 0:19:55.840 twelve when I went through all that. I opened myself 0:19:55.920 --> 0:19:59.000 up in a way on stage that I hadn't good evening. 0:19:59.080 --> 0:20:03.320 Hello, I have cancer? 0:20:03.480 --> 0:20:04.000 How are you? 0:20:05.680 --> 0:20:08.000 Hi? How are you? Is everybody having a good time? 0:20:09.240 --> 0:20:10.680 I have cancer? How are you? 0:20:11.840 --> 0:20:13.480 Did you know you were going to do that or 0:20:14.160 --> 0:20:15.000 did it just happen? 0:20:15.200 --> 0:20:16.600 Well? 0:20:16.760 --> 0:20:21.160 I had this show booked at Largo in Los Angeles 0:20:21.200 --> 0:20:25.200 for quite a while, and then all those things happened, 0:20:26.560 --> 0:20:31.080 and then when I got diagnosed with cancer, I called flanagain, 0:20:31.160 --> 0:20:34.399 the owner of the venue, and said, hey, I on 0:20:34.520 --> 0:20:37.280 top of everything else that I just went through that 0:20:37.320 --> 0:20:39.359 he was aware of, I said, I just got a 0:20:39.560 --> 0:20:43.360 cancer diagnosis and I just am not going to come in. 0:20:44.359 --> 0:20:46.240 And he said, well, why don't you just keep it 0:20:46.280 --> 0:20:50.520 on the books and if you feel like performing, the 0:20:50.560 --> 0:20:52.359 stage is here for you, and if you want to 0:20:52.400 --> 0:20:55.880 cancel a second before you walk on stage, you can 0:20:55.920 --> 0:20:59.879 do that. And so I thought, he clearly does not 0:21:00.160 --> 0:21:03.200 understand what I'm telling him. I'm really down and out. 0:21:03.640 --> 0:21:06.200 Or maybe he does, or yeah, or maybe he does, 0:21:06.280 --> 0:21:08.679 but in that moment, I was thinking, oh, he doesn't. 0:21:08.760 --> 0:21:12.439 He doesn't understand what's happening. I was just so sick 0:21:12.520 --> 0:21:16.680 and so sad. I just I was without a partner, 0:21:16.840 --> 0:21:20.119 I was without my mother. I had invasive cancer, I 0:21:20.160 --> 0:21:21.680 had a digestive disease. 0:21:22.200 --> 0:21:24.440 I was I was so. 0:21:25.520 --> 0:21:31.120 Rock bottom, and I just thought, well, I guess I'll 0:21:31.200 --> 0:21:36.639 just try because I had seen how quickly health goes 0:21:36.680 --> 0:21:41.080 away and with myself, and then also watching my mother 0:21:41.240 --> 0:21:44.400 die after taking her off life support, and I just thought, well, 0:21:44.440 --> 0:21:49.080 I love stand up so much, I might as well 0:21:49.160 --> 0:21:52.080 just go on stage one last time. 0:21:52.160 --> 0:21:53.520 Who knows what's going to happen to me. 0:21:53.920 --> 0:21:56.080 And I don't feel like I can just do my 0:21:56.160 --> 0:22:00.600 regular material where I make jokes about in turning some 0:22:00.640 --> 0:22:03.320 weird sign I saw on a door, you know, I'm 0:22:03.680 --> 0:22:05.880 going to share what's going on in my life. And 0:22:05.960 --> 0:22:09.679 so I went on stage and did my best to 0:22:10.080 --> 0:22:12.760 make light of what I was going through. And the 0:22:12.880 --> 0:22:16.040 show that I did went viral and became the number 0:22:16.040 --> 0:22:18.680 one selling comedy album in the world for the year, 0:22:18.760 --> 0:22:22.160 and I was nominated for a Grammy. And it changed 0:22:22.200 --> 0:22:26.080 my life because I saw the support from the people 0:22:26.119 --> 0:22:31.639 in the room, the people around the world, and I 0:22:31.880 --> 0:22:35.639 just thought, well, I guess it feels a lot better 0:22:35.760 --> 0:22:39.879 to not hold things so tightly. It really changed me. 0:22:40.480 --> 0:22:46.560 It just everything became so crazy and funny, darkly funny. 0:22:47.440 --> 0:22:50.760 The things that were mortifying to me before, like the 0:22:51.480 --> 0:22:55.960 hospital where my mother died, where I watched her slowly die, 0:22:56.720 --> 0:22:59.639 sent me and my family, well, no, they sent my 0:22:59.720 --> 0:23:06.800 mother this, uh, this questionnaire about how her stay at 0:23:06.800 --> 0:23:12.080 the hospital was. And after, right after my mother died, 0:23:12.680 --> 0:23:15.639 I was so mad. I was gonna I was like, 0:23:15.840 --> 0:23:17.440 I am going to call this hospital. 0:23:17.520 --> 0:23:17.760 I am. 0:23:18.119 --> 0:23:19.240 I was so livid. 0:23:19.840 --> 0:23:24.080 And then weeks later I was on stage, after I 0:23:24.119 --> 0:23:26.879 had had time for that to set in. I was 0:23:26.920 --> 0:23:30.600 on stage making jokes about it and answering the questionnaire 0:23:30.640 --> 0:23:34.480 alive on stage, you know, and and. 0:23:34.400 --> 0:23:38.080 So yeah, I was just staying not good. 0:23:38.000 --> 0:23:41.920 Not good, not good? Did not go well? 0:23:43.400 --> 0:23:47.680 Oh god, when do you think that you you talk 0:23:47.760 --> 0:23:51.479 about being sort of in shock after When do you 0:23:51.560 --> 0:23:56.239 think you really started to process the success of it, 0:23:56.440 --> 0:23:59.200 the hype of the show, the experience itself. 0:23:59.720 --> 0:24:02.560 Oh oh, I got it took me years because I 0:24:02.600 --> 0:24:06.240 remember my manager, who I worked with for a really 0:24:06.280 --> 0:24:10.560 long time. I remember calling him two days after the 0:24:10.640 --> 0:24:12.919 album came out, saying, when do you think this is 0:24:12.960 --> 0:24:16.440 going to die down? And he said, what do you mean? 0:24:16.720 --> 0:24:19.119 And I said, just all the like people wanting to 0:24:19.119 --> 0:24:22.919 interview me and offering me things, And when do you 0:24:22.960 --> 0:24:24.919 think I thought it was going to last? Like a 0:24:24.920 --> 0:24:29.120 week and then I'd go back to just being this random, 0:24:29.160 --> 0:24:34.240 low key lesbian on the road telling jokes and voicy Idaho. 0:24:34.720 --> 0:24:38.080 But yeah, he was just he I remember him saying, 0:24:38.160 --> 0:24:40.159