WEBVTT - Be An Example of Change 0:00:02.320 --> 0:00:05.360 Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm not your glover to wob 0:00:05.519 --> 0:00:09.280 and you need to hear this. Do you believe that 0:00:09.760 --> 0:00:14.120 relationships can be easy? I mean, have you ever experienced that? 0:00:14.360 --> 0:00:18.520 Like you have this long term friendship and it's just 0:00:19.440 --> 0:00:21.480 we get along so well. We don't have a lot 0:00:21.520 --> 0:00:25.400 of arguments. We you know, we understand each other. So 0:00:25.480 --> 0:00:31.560 we're very respectful of each person's need for space or 0:00:31.680 --> 0:00:34.239 this person's need for this or that. Like, have you 0:00:34.520 --> 0:00:40.600 had some friendships that feel easy? They don't feel like work. 0:00:40.640 --> 0:00:44.640 It feels, you know, very organic, and you know, things 0:00:44.720 --> 0:00:49.680 typically work, you know. I think sometimes we think that 0:00:49.920 --> 0:00:53.639 relationships have to be tough. We have been so this 0:00:53.800 --> 0:00:57.200 idea that relationships should be tough, even friendships, you know, 0:00:57.400 --> 0:01:01.480 like you have your ups and downs, you have communication issues, 0:01:02.080 --> 0:01:04.360 And I think that is the case sometimes when we 0:01:04.480 --> 0:01:08.600 have to notice when it is always the case. Are 0:01:08.680 --> 0:01:13.559 all of our friendships characterized by the same type of ending? 0:01:13.640 --> 0:01:15.880 Do we have the same ending? If so, we are 0:01:15.880 --> 0:01:20.080 writing the same book. Are we having the same type 0:01:20.080 --> 0:01:22.959 of dispute? Every time I have a friend we fight 0:01:23.040 --> 0:01:28.320 about this? How is it that we get ourselves into 0:01:28.880 --> 0:01:32.480 the same situations over and over again? I'll tell you 0:01:32.520 --> 0:01:37.039 how we're not learning anything new and we're not implementing 0:01:37.160 --> 0:01:41.520 anything different. When we do the same things, we have 0:01:41.560 --> 0:01:46.440 the same problems in our relationships. I think that one 0:01:46.440 --> 0:01:51.360 thing about friendship is we are meeting people where they are. 0:01:51.840 --> 0:01:55.360 What does that mean. If you have a friend who 0:01:55.840 --> 0:01:59.520 doesn't like to work out with you, you don't work 0:01:59.520 --> 0:02:02.800 out with that person. You find another friend or another 0:02:02.880 --> 0:02:07.360 person in your life to feel that need. If your 0:02:07.440 --> 0:02:13.359 friends share some information with you and you disagree with it, 0:02:13.680 --> 0:02:15.840 you have to figure out is this the sort of 0:02:15.919 --> 0:02:20.400 person that appreciates honesty or is this the sort of 0:02:20.440 --> 0:02:24.480 person where I have to zip it up. Sometimes we're 0:02:24.520 --> 0:02:29.240 not asking ourselves those questions, and we are just giving 0:02:29.320 --> 0:02:33.720 people stuff and we're just making requirements of them, and 0:02:33.720 --> 0:02:38.560 it impacts our friendships. It causes lots of issues, either 0:02:38.639 --> 0:02:42.079 on their side or our side. Sometimes we are overgiving. 0:02:42.200 --> 0:02:45.760 Sometimes we are saying yes to things that we need 0:02:45.800 --> 0:02:49.079 to say no to. So on both sides, we have 0:02:49.160 --> 0:02:52.320 to respect who the person is, not who we want 0:02:52.360 --> 0:02:55.960 them to be. It isn't build a friend, it's have 0:02:56.040 --> 0:02:59.840 a friendship. And sometimes we're trying to like build a 0:03:00.160 --> 0:03:03.959 friend and if I am truly your friend. That might 0:03:04.000 --> 0:03:07.680 come with some you know, limitations in our relationship, and 0:03:07.760 --> 0:03:09.800 I can pick that up with other friends. I don't 0:03:09.840 --> 0:03:12.760 have to stick beside you as if you're the only 0:03:12.800 --> 0:03:17.800 person in the world. Perhaps there are other people. The 0:03:17.880 --> 0:03:20.600 other thing I noticed with our friendships is we let 0:03:20.639 --> 0:03:23.400 things go on for too long. Usually when we end 0:03:23.639 --> 0:03:26.880 a friendship, it's been ending for a very long time. 0:03:26.919 --> 0:03:29.760 We've been having this issue for a very long time. 0:03:30.200 --> 0:03:32.240 You know, I was in your wedding. You didn't want 0:03:32.280 --> 0:03:34.720 to be in my wedding. I won't say anything about it. 0:03:34.800 --> 0:03:36.400 You could do whatever you want to do. But eight 0:03:36.480 --> 0:03:38.880 years later, oh my gosh, I'm so mad at your 0:03:38.920 --> 0:03:42.760 tea party. I bring up this thing. Right, having those 0:03:42.840 --> 0:03:49.160 conversations pretty close to the time of the impacting event 0:03:49.800 --> 0:03:53.720 is really important. Eight years later, people don't even remember 0:03:54.160 --> 0:03:56.320 this thing because it wasn't a big thing to them. 0:03:56.360 --> 0:04:01.040 So having those conversations around the time of the offense 0:04:01.560 --> 0:04:06.120 could be key to repairing and being able to move 0:04:06.200 --> 0:04:12.320 forward in those relationships. So if you have not thought about, like, 0:04:12.520 --> 0:04:15.360 oh my gosh, I'm having this issue with this person, 0:04:15.840 --> 0:04:19.480 how do I have this hard conversation? You might have 0:04:19.560 --> 0:04:21.560 to sit with that for a very long time, and 0:04:21.600 --> 0:04:24.599 the person may not change. They will continue to be 0:04:24.680 --> 0:04:27.840 themselves and you will be stuck with being mad at 0:04:27.880 --> 0:04:33.640 them and them having no idea. Let's get into today's call, 0:04:33.880 --> 0:04:37.200 which you've guessed it. It's about friendship. It's about a 0:04:37.279 --> 0:04:41.799 long term friendship field with ups and downs. So let's 0:04:41.839 --> 0:04:44.040 see how we can help. 0:04:48.480 --> 0:04:52.080 Hi, Nindra, I love your podcast, and I have a 0:04:52.080 --> 0:04:55.520 couple of questions that relate to long term friendships and 0:04:55.920 --> 0:04:59.960 navigating conflict. So I've been friends with someone, a woman, 0:05:00.240 --> 0:05:02.760 for over ten years, and we're part of a friend 0:05:02.760 --> 0:05:04.680 group that's been close for the same amount of time. 0:05:05.080 --> 0:05:07.920 So this friendship with this person has been filled with 0:05:07.960 --> 0:05:11.080 a lot of ups and downs, a lot of you know, arguments, disagreements, 0:05:11.120 --> 0:05:13.960 and quite a bit of drama since we became friends 0:05:14.000 --> 0:05:18.840 over ten years ago. A bit about me. I've struggled 0:05:18.839 --> 0:05:22.719 with communication in various relationships, so romantic friendships, et cetera, 0:05:23.000 --> 0:05:25.320 such as like, you know, communicating my needs, what works 0:05:25.360 --> 0:05:29.240 for me, what doesn't, my boundaries, et cetera. It's something 0:05:29.279 --> 0:05:32.400 I've been actively working on and it's something over the 0:05:32.440 --> 0:05:34.359 past five years that I've really put in a lot 0:05:34.400 --> 0:05:38.279 of effort for and since I've started to communicate my 0:05:38.360 --> 0:05:41.080 needs and my boundary is a bit better. Over the years, 0:05:41.160 --> 0:05:44.600 I've noticed that this friendship, it's been struggling quite a 0:05:44.640 --> 0:05:48.599 bit lately. I won't go into details without some of 0:05:48.640 --> 0:05:51.080 the issues, but a couple of years ago, there was 0:05:51.120 --> 0:05:53.160 a lot of drama around one of our friend's wedding 0:05:53.240 --> 0:05:55.000 who's also in the group, And there's just been other 0:05:55.040 --> 0:05:57.200 issues that have come up, kind of about different issues, 0:05:57.200 --> 0:06:00.680 but a lot of them centering around this person's reactivity. 0:06:01.360 --> 0:06:04.680 So this person tends to react really quickly and somebody's 0:06:04.720 --> 0:06:08.080 quite harshly. When something sets them, they then disappear or 0:06:08.120 --> 0:06:11.320 ghost me or our group for periods of time, So 0:06:11.360 --> 0:06:14.479 it could be like days, weeks, or even months. And 0:06:14.480 --> 0:06:17.120 then either it's myself or someone else in me a group, 0:06:17.279 --> 0:06:19.440 or maybe this person. She will just reach out when 0:06:19.480 --> 0:06:21.479 she feels like making contact, and then she acts like 0:06:21.520 --> 0:06:22.320 nothing's happened. 0:06:28.080 --> 0:06:31.760 Addressing ghosting can be really hard, right, but I think 0:06:31.800 --> 0:06:34.719 the way that you address this is you talk about 0:06:34.760 --> 0:06:37.600 how it made you feel to be out of contact 0:06:37.600 --> 0:06:41.760 with that person when you didn't answer my cause I 0:06:41.800 --> 0:06:44.360 felt really sad because I thought we were close and 0:06:44.400 --> 0:06:47.520 we could talk about things. And I understand you're upset, 0:06:47.680 --> 0:06:51.000 but at least give me a simple response so that 0:06:51.120 --> 0:06:56.640 I know what's going on. I hear that your communication 0:06:56.960 --> 0:07:02.000 challenges in all types of relationships have stopped you from, 0:07:02.360 --> 0:07:05.719 you know, communicating well. And in this situation, it sounds 0:07:05.760 --> 0:07:10.040 like you haven't said anything about this person sort of 0:07:10.120 --> 0:07:14.200 having these dramatic moments with people and then ghosting, maybe 0:07:14.200 --> 0:07:17.480 even before he or she can be confronted. So here's 0:07:17.520 --> 0:07:19.800 the thing. There are some people in our lives who 0:07:19.840 --> 0:07:23.080 are high drama. Do we want to pull them into 0:07:23.160 --> 0:07:25.640 every situation with us? I think we have to be 0:07:25.720 --> 0:07:32.600 careful about what spaces we share with the high drama people. 0:07:32.680 --> 0:07:37.360 Maybe keeping them away from our other people is good. 0:07:37.560 --> 0:07:41.800 So if this friend is going to be in your wedding, 0:07:42.160 --> 0:07:46.480 I would expect some drama. You know. It's not like, ugh, 0:07:46.720 --> 0:07:49.160 she's not this sort of person. It's a one off. 0:07:49.200 --> 0:07:53.800 It sounds like this is a typical response for this person. 0:07:53.840 --> 0:07:56.880 And I understand for you know, some of us, that's 0:07:56.920 --> 0:07:59.480 really hard to accept that this person is just being 0:07:59.520 --> 0:08:02.560 them sales. When they have an opinion about something, they 0:08:02.640 --> 0:08:06.760 harshly express it. And so if you don't want your 0:08:06.880 --> 0:08:10.360 guests or your other friends to be offended. You may 0:08:10.440 --> 0:08:14.440 need to exclude this person from this group stuff when 0:08:14.880 --> 0:08:18.000 they're having this moment. You might have to be the 0:08:18.000 --> 0:08:21.960 person to stand up and diffuse it. Hey hey, hey, hey, hey, 0:08:22.040 --> 0:08:24.600 I see that this is getting out of hand. Let's 0:08:24.840 --> 0:08:28.080 change the topic because this is getting really heated. You 0:08:28.280 --> 0:08:32.960 have to really own the interactions when this person is 0:08:33.040 --> 0:08:35.120 present if you want them to be there. And I 0:08:35.200 --> 0:08:39.640 know you know with communication challenges, that can be really 0:08:39.720 --> 0:08:44.040 hard because you're communicating, you are owning the space. You 0:08:44.160 --> 0:08:47.439 are saying, I am the authority here, I am the facilitator. 0:08:47.880 --> 0:08:51.559 This can and this cannot happen. So we will talk 0:08:51.600 --> 0:08:54.760 more about how to communicate after the break. 0:09:00.440 --> 0:09:03.680 I have let this behavior go on for years with 0:09:04.520 --> 0:09:07.160 not being addressed, and so have other people in the group. 0:09:08.679 --> 0:09:10.960 It is only really being more recently that I've been 0:09:10.960 --> 0:09:13.640 working on addressing it as I find this behavior really hurtful. 0:09:14.480 --> 0:09:17.600 So more recently, there was a time this past summer 0:09:17.720 --> 0:09:20.480 where I and some others in the group also let 0:09:20.480 --> 0:09:23.880 this friend down. We all handled it differently, but of 0:09:23.880 --> 0:09:26.880 course it's complex because we're a group and it's a 0:09:26.880 --> 0:09:30.080 group dynamic so I did apologize for my role. She 0:09:30.200 --> 0:09:32.520 apologized for my role, and then I tried to figure 0:09:32.520 --> 0:09:34.960 out how we could move forward with our friendship and 0:09:35.000 --> 0:09:39.880 the situation. But this friend, she, while she had to apologized, 0:09:39.880 --> 0:09:42.359 she was not ready to move on, which I understand, 0:09:42.480 --> 0:09:45.120 but she was just, you know, kind of going in circles, 0:09:45.160 --> 0:09:49.240 blaming me and blaming others in the friend group. So, 0:09:49.720 --> 0:09:52.880 you know, on the one hand, I understand that she 0:09:53.120 --> 0:09:55.880 was upset and she tied a process. She wanted to 0:09:55.920 --> 0:09:58.280 keep talking about it, but I also didn't want to 0:09:58.320 --> 0:10:02.120 hear these not nice things about me and about our 0:10:02.160 --> 0:10:05.160 other friends of the group. It just wasn't a conversation 0:10:05.200 --> 0:10:09.440 that I could continue engaging with. So of course, I 0:10:09.480 --> 0:10:13.439 know friendship group dynamics can be really tricky, and I've 0:10:13.480 --> 0:10:16.440 really struggled over the past five years or so, you know, 0:10:16.440 --> 0:10:20.319 setting boundaries and communicating my needs with people, and specifically 0:10:20.320 --> 0:10:23.000 with this person. So you know, after this summer incident, 0:10:23.040 --> 0:10:24.960 I knew I need some time in space from her. 0:10:25.520 --> 0:10:27.160 I told her she wouldn't hear from me for a while, 0:10:27.320 --> 0:10:30.000 as I wasn't sure if or how we could be 0:10:30.000 --> 0:10:34.040 friends in the future, you know, and I'm finding that 0:10:34.160 --> 0:10:37.360 since I haven't communicated clearly throughout most of the friendship 0:10:37.440 --> 0:10:40.280 that I just have so much resentment and anger towards 0:10:40.280 --> 0:10:43.840 this person, which is really a result of my own 0:10:44.280 --> 0:10:47.920 lack of action. So it's impacting, you know, how I 0:10:47.960 --> 0:10:49.640 show up in the friendship and how I showed up 0:10:49.640 --> 0:10:51.840 in that conversation, And I guess I just need some 0:10:51.880 --> 0:10:53.559 time to figure out how or if I can be 0:10:53.600 --> 0:10:54.280 friends with this person. 0:10:54.320 --> 0:11:01.360 Again, we may focused on the worst case scenario when 0:11:01.440 --> 0:11:05.640 ending a relationship, like oh, people will ask about them, 0:11:05.720 --> 0:11:09.800 they won't be at this thing, I'll miss them. It 0:11:09.880 --> 0:11:14.000 might be to our benefit to look at the positives 0:11:14.400 --> 0:11:19.359 around not being in relationships with certain people. For example, 0:11:19.800 --> 0:11:23.960 I will have less anxiety, I will feel more comfortable 0:11:24.679 --> 0:11:30.800 in group settings. I will have easier friendships. I will 0:11:30.840 --> 0:11:34.720 have more time to spend with people I love who 0:11:34.760 --> 0:11:38.320 are healthy for me. There could be some positives that 0:11:38.360 --> 0:11:42.559 we're overlooking because we're thinking about like, oh, I have 0:11:42.640 --> 0:11:45.320 to say this, I have to do this, but you know, 0:11:45.960 --> 0:11:49.400 in this caller's case, it sounds like you've already said it, 0:11:49.480 --> 0:11:53.120 so I wonder, how do you commit to it if 0:11:53.160 --> 0:11:56.760 that's what you want to do. We don't have to be, 0:11:57.120 --> 0:11:59.640 you know, friends with people because we've been friends with 0:11:59.679 --> 0:12:03.120 them for ten years. Like you know, the average friendship 0:12:03.400 --> 0:12:07.120 is around seven years, and ten is pretty good. You know. 0:12:07.520 --> 0:12:12.079 I have some friends who, thankfully, you know, we've been 0:12:12.160 --> 0:12:16.600 friends twenty plus years, twenty five plus years, and that 0:12:16.800 --> 0:12:22.040 is beautiful. But guess what. I've had some friends we 0:12:22.040 --> 0:12:25.200 were friends for one year. I have some friends we 0:12:25.200 --> 0:12:28.800 were friends for six months. I have some we were 0:12:28.840 --> 0:12:33.840 friends for ten years. You know, So everybody isn't going 0:12:33.880 --> 0:12:39.360 to be on the life long journey. Those friendships I've 0:12:39.400 --> 0:12:43.600 had for you know, the long haul so far easy, 0:12:44.520 --> 0:12:47.560 Oh my gosh, so easy. I could take them around anyone, 0:12:47.679 --> 0:12:49.840 and they almost steal my other friends. And you know, 0:12:49.880 --> 0:12:52.800 I'll say, like, don't steal my friend. I don't want 0:12:52.800 --> 0:12:55.080 to see her at your stuff. You know, it's like, 0:12:55.480 --> 0:12:58.680 that's my friend. I only hang out with good people. 0:12:58.760 --> 0:13:03.440 Of course you would like, of course she's wonderful. But 0:13:04.000 --> 0:13:09.400 we have to think about what our friends are representing 0:13:10.360 --> 0:13:15.360 while we have them with other people. What am I 0:13:15.480 --> 0:13:19.560 reflecting as a part of me? You know, I love 0:13:19.640 --> 0:13:22.760 it when people love my other friends. I have one 0:13:22.800 --> 0:13:27.240 friend right now, and he is just he's so fun 0:13:27.280 --> 0:13:30.520 and everybody is like, why didn't you bring him? Where 0:13:30.720 --> 0:13:33.440 is he? I went to a concert recently and he 0:13:33.520 --> 0:13:35.400 was there with some other friends, and all of my 0:13:35.440 --> 0:13:38.520 friends they were like, you know, he's here. It was 0:13:39.240 --> 0:13:43.600 it's like, okay, okay, guys, he is a great person. 0:13:43.720 --> 0:13:47.040 And you know, it's really great when you have those 0:13:47.080 --> 0:13:51.439 situations where it's like that's how it could be that 0:13:51.480 --> 0:13:55.960 you're around people who are excited to be around each other, 0:13:56.280 --> 0:14:00.720 not like, oh my gosh, here she come. She's I 0:14:00.760 --> 0:14:03.000 know she's going to get into a fight with someone. 0:14:03.400 --> 0:14:08.360 Perhaps we've adopted like this Housewives way of friendship, like 0:14:08.400 --> 0:14:12.000 this stuff is now normal to have fights and then 0:14:12.120 --> 0:14:15.760 meet up again. I think it's the oddest thing that 0:14:15.920 --> 0:14:18.920 we feel we have to be in those relationships that 0:14:18.960 --> 0:14:24.120 are chaotic. We have a choice, and that choice could 0:14:24.160 --> 0:14:29.880 be not to deal with all of this high drama conflict, 0:14:30.320 --> 0:14:32.440 you know, and if you're going to deal with it, 0:14:33.400 --> 0:14:38.000 go join the cast of the housewives, Go join married 0:14:38.080 --> 0:14:41.480 to medicine or something like, you know, make a job 0:14:41.520 --> 0:14:45.240 out of it. Don't invite this stuff into your real life. 0:14:45.320 --> 0:14:49.360 I mean, it's a lot. It's a lot to be 0:14:49.400 --> 0:14:52.880 an adult with so many other pools in your life. 0:14:52.920 --> 0:14:57.160 You know, when I think about making dentis appointments, cooking dinner, 0:14:57.360 --> 0:15:02.720 folding my clothes, working, being a daughter, doing this, doing that, 0:15:03.920 --> 0:15:08.320 do we actually have space for people to just take 0:15:08.440 --> 0:15:13.440 up and waste? Do we have space to you know, 0:15:13.480 --> 0:15:16.200 you only get four hours after work to hang out, 0:15:16.200 --> 0:15:19.120 and you go hang out and it's arguing and fighting 0:15:19.640 --> 0:15:24.880 the whole time. Is that what we're making space for. 0:15:28.520 --> 0:15:35.640 We have to prioritize our life overall and how this 0:15:35.760 --> 0:15:41.120 person fits into it. It could be that this friendship 0:15:41.600 --> 0:15:47.520 is paused. It could be that this friendship is outside 0:15:47.520 --> 0:15:50.400 of this group dynamic. It could be that there are 0:15:50.400 --> 0:15:54.680 a lot of difficult conversations had because you want to 0:15:55.800 --> 0:16:00.480 improve it. And I'm not talking about from her side, 0:16:00.520 --> 0:16:03.560 I'm talking about from your side. You will see me 0:16:05.160 --> 0:16:10.240 doing these things differently based on some of the things 0:16:10.280 --> 0:16:14.560 that have occurred in our dynamic. She may not change, 0:16:14.640 --> 0:16:17.640 but you can, you know, you can say, you know, 0:16:17.680 --> 0:16:19.760 I'm gonna start being a little more assertive. So when 0:16:19.800 --> 0:16:23.000 I see a conversation, you know, getting a bit heated, 0:16:23.440 --> 0:16:27.240 I may just loudly say let's change the topic. Or 0:16:27.400 --> 0:16:30.080 I may say, hey, step outside with me. You will 0:16:30.120 --> 0:16:33.600 notice me doing these things because I'm trying to change 0:16:33.640 --> 0:16:38.200 the rhythm of this group. If you truly have an 0:16:38.240 --> 0:16:44.200 issue with setting boundaries communicating with people in general, this 0:16:44.280 --> 0:16:48.280 could be an opportunity for you to improve that. You know, 0:16:49.200 --> 0:16:52.400 set boundaries, find pieces of book you could read. We 0:16:52.480 --> 0:16:55.480 Need to Talk is another great book, but there are 0:16:55.560 --> 0:17:00.880 so many great books about how to communicate and most importantly, 0:17:01.240 --> 0:17:07.960 finding resources that help you communicate when communicating is hard. 0:17:08.560 --> 0:17:11.880 You know, it's not an easy thing, and I often 0:17:12.000 --> 0:17:17.160 think that we assume that people who communicate find it 0:17:17.200 --> 0:17:21.200 to be really easy, and it could be just the opposite. 0:17:21.240 --> 0:17:24.679 Like I sometimes will communicate because I have to because 0:17:24.760 --> 0:17:27.800 I don't want to be uncomfortable. I want to sleep 0:17:28.240 --> 0:17:32.600 without having these ruminating thoughts about what happened with us. 0:17:33.040 --> 0:17:34.920 I want to be able to have a good day. 0:17:35.000 --> 0:17:37.520 So I have to say this thing to you. It's 0:17:37.520 --> 0:17:39.879 not that I want to. I don't want to say this, 0:17:40.480 --> 0:17:43.600 but I have to say it because if I don't, 0:17:43.960 --> 0:17:46.840 I'm going to be up all night. If I don't 0:17:46.880 --> 0:17:49.960 say it, I'm going to be upset. If I don't 0:17:50.000 --> 0:17:52.520 say it. When I see you, I'm going to be 0:17:52.560 --> 0:17:55.600 giving you a little bit of side eye, and so 0:17:55.760 --> 0:17:59.280 if I really want to be authentic, I have to 0:17:59.320 --> 0:18:05.520 speak up. If I don't speak up, I'm suffering. I'm suffering. 0:18:06.960 --> 0:18:07.960 Let's keep listening. 0:18:09.440 --> 0:18:12.080 So basically, to sum up my questions, are, you know, 0:18:12.160 --> 0:18:15.680 how do I move forward here? How do I decide 0:18:15.840 --> 0:18:18.359 if I want to be friends with this person? You know, 0:18:18.480 --> 0:18:21.240 is it possible to mend a relationship or friendship where 0:18:21.320 --> 0:18:23.359 one person has been brushing things under the rug for 0:18:23.359 --> 0:18:26.159 so long? Is there just a point where it's just 0:18:26.200 --> 0:18:29.240 too late and there's nothing left to salvage? I guess. 0:18:29.280 --> 0:18:32.080 My other question is how can we navigate conflict effectively 0:18:32.280 --> 0:18:35.199 in long term friendships and in group dynamics? And you know, 0:18:35.240 --> 0:18:38.560 how do we determine if friendship is salvagable or you know, 0:18:38.720 --> 0:18:40.359 is it time to just move on and kind of 0:18:40.359 --> 0:18:42.399 give up on the friendship? So I know those are 0:18:42.440 --> 0:18:44.240 a lot of questions, but I really would love to 0:18:44.240 --> 0:18:46.919 hear your thoughts on the on the topic, and I 0:18:46.920 --> 0:18:47.879 look forward to hearing from you. 0:18:49.880 --> 0:18:52.480 I want to respond question by question. So here's the 0:18:52.520 --> 0:18:56.280 first question, how do I move forward? When we have 0:18:56.440 --> 0:19:01.160 some disruption or dysfunction in a relationship, it is important 0:19:01.280 --> 0:19:06.520 that we use some repair skills. Some of us are 0:19:06.600 --> 0:19:13.440 moving forward without repairing, and what happens is we find ourselves, 0:19:13.560 --> 0:19:19.440 usually pretty quickly, back in the same situation. We all 0:19:19.520 --> 0:19:23.800 know what happens when we don't repair something, it gets worse. 0:19:23.880 --> 0:19:27.280 It's like a little hole in a knitted sweater. You know, 0:19:27.440 --> 0:19:30.240 if you don't mend that little tiny hole, it gets 0:19:30.320 --> 0:19:33.880 bigger and bigger and bigger. So we have to repair. 0:19:33.960 --> 0:19:37.320 So how do I move forward? You repair? You have 0:19:37.359 --> 0:19:41.440 a conversation about what happened and how things can be differently. 0:19:41.520 --> 0:19:45.560 You explore her feelings, you explore your feelings, You let 0:19:45.600 --> 0:19:49.879 it out. That's how you move forward. The next question, 0:19:50.320 --> 0:19:52.520 how do I decide if I want to be friends 0:19:52.520 --> 0:19:55.600 with this person? A pro and commas is always good 0:19:55.640 --> 0:19:58.680 for friendship, for deciding if we want to take a job, 0:19:58.840 --> 0:20:03.320 move to a new city. What is the reason for 0:20:03.520 --> 0:20:06.840 wanting to do this? And what is the reason that 0:20:07.440 --> 0:20:11.480 we may not want to do this? So pros this 0:20:11.600 --> 0:20:15.760 person is fun to hang around, They're a great dancer, 0:20:16.119 --> 0:20:21.160 they have an infectious laugh. Cons they are chaotic. Whenever 0:20:21.200 --> 0:20:24.720 we're in a group setting, when you bring up anything 0:20:24.840 --> 0:20:28.080 to them, they cut you off. You know, pros and 0:20:28.119 --> 0:20:31.560 cons make a list. Next question, is it possible to 0:20:31.640 --> 0:20:34.840 mend a relationship or friendship where one person has been 0:20:34.880 --> 0:20:39.240 brushing things under the rug for so long? Absolutely? Yes, 0:20:39.440 --> 0:20:42.720 you know, when we think about family relationships, that's typically 0:20:42.760 --> 0:20:46.040 the case, right, like you've been letting something go for 0:20:46.080 --> 0:20:48.320 a really long time. And yes, it could happen in 0:20:48.359 --> 0:20:52.320 friendships and you know, dating relationships, all sorts of things. 0:20:52.800 --> 0:20:55.520 And as long as you're willing to talk about it today, 0:20:56.680 --> 0:20:59.679 there is still hope, you know, if that person is 0:20:59.720 --> 0:21:02.560 will to hear you out, there is still hope. Not 0:21:02.680 --> 0:21:04.880 everyone gets upset that you say, you know, I've been 0:21:04.920 --> 0:21:08.639 having this issue for five years. It's hopeful for the 0:21:08.680 --> 0:21:11.080 other person to know. There are some people will be like, 0:21:11.119 --> 0:21:13.880 oh my gosh, this has been the problem, and then 0:21:13.920 --> 0:21:16.440 there are lots of people who will say, okay, let's 0:21:16.440 --> 0:21:20.680 address it. Next question, is there just a point where 0:21:20.680 --> 0:21:24.439 it's too late and there's nothing left to salvage? Hmmm? 0:21:28.600 --> 0:21:30.760 You know, I'd like to believe as long as people 0:21:30.840 --> 0:21:35.280 have breath, you know, there's this possibility that we can 0:21:35.920 --> 0:21:41.880 salvage and repair things. However, I think it is okay 0:21:41.960 --> 0:21:47.359 to leave things, things that we really once loved. I 0:21:47.480 --> 0:21:53.439 had a teeth thermis for Oh my gosh, maybe about 0:21:53.480 --> 0:21:58.160 fifteen years, maybe about fifteen years, I had this teeth thermist. 0:21:58.200 --> 0:22:02.240 I think I got it for my twentieth birthday, maybe 0:22:02.240 --> 0:22:05.359 my nineteenth or twentieth birthday or something. I had this 0:22:05.440 --> 0:22:08.840 thing for a really long time, and I meant it. 0:22:08.840 --> 0:22:11.920 It had taken falls, falls, a little dentse and a 0:22:12.000 --> 0:22:15.560 sipping part, but I love this cup. Oh hot temperature 0:22:15.640 --> 0:22:18.720 all a day for my tea. The mouth spout was 0:22:18.840 --> 0:22:23.040 just perfect, loved it. Dropped it, bottom fell off, dropped 0:22:23.080 --> 0:22:26.680 it again, and you know, the handle was cracked. So 0:22:26.760 --> 0:22:30.560 it became a point where could I glue this? Could 0:22:30.560 --> 0:22:32.560 I find some And I don't even know who you 0:22:32.680 --> 0:22:37.439 find to fix a thing that you can that's not replaceable, right? Like? 0:22:38.160 --> 0:22:40.840 Is there someone who can put new rubber on the bottle? Like? 0:22:40.960 --> 0:22:44.480 I don't know. But for me, it was not salvageable 0:22:44.600 --> 0:22:47.960 because it was broken in ways where I couldn't even 0:22:48.040 --> 0:22:52.600 use it anymore. So I wonder, what are you trying 0:22:52.680 --> 0:22:57.040 to save? When we are trying to salvage something, it's 0:22:57.080 --> 0:22:59.440 really important to think about what am I trying to save? 0:23:00.000 --> 0:23:02.399 Am I trying to save a thermis with half a 0:23:02.480 --> 0:23:06.480 handle and no bottom. No, I'm not trying to save that. Now. 0:23:06.520 --> 0:23:09.560 I need to go to TJ Max and Marshalls and 0:23:09.600 --> 0:23:12.320 do a little cup hunt to find, you know, maybe 0:23:12.320 --> 0:23:15.919 a similar you know, mouth spout, and I need to 0:23:15.920 --> 0:23:18.240 go on a hunt. But what I don't need to 0:23:18.320 --> 0:23:21.959 do is hunt for all these ways to repair something 0:23:22.000 --> 0:23:28.000 that's broken. Next question, how can we navigate conflict effectively 0:23:28.080 --> 0:23:31.760 and long term friendships and group dynamics. We have to 0:23:31.800 --> 0:23:35.440 be honest with people. We have to bring up topics. 0:23:36.080 --> 0:23:37.960 You know the other day when we met, here was 0:23:37.960 --> 0:23:40.480 the problem. We don't need to let things go for 0:23:40.560 --> 0:23:43.719 too long, because once we let them go for too long, 0:23:44.080 --> 0:23:46.399 people think we didn't have an issue with it, or 0:23:46.440 --> 0:23:49.840 they forgot about it, or we forgot parts of the story. 0:23:50.240 --> 0:23:53.879 So if you want to effectively communicate in a long 0:23:54.000 --> 0:23:58.159 term friendship, it's important to bring up the stuff. And 0:23:58.280 --> 0:24:01.760 sometimes that stuff might hurt the person's feelings and it 0:24:01.880 --> 0:24:05.720 still needs to be said. You know, from hearing your voice, 0:24:05.800 --> 0:24:08.800 it doesn't sound like you would be mean or you 0:24:08.840 --> 0:24:11.520 would be aggressive, And I think that's the fear sometimes 0:24:11.560 --> 0:24:15.120 that if I say this, it's going to be so mean. Well, 0:24:15.200 --> 0:24:18.439 tone matters sometimes we have to say hard stuff, but 0:24:18.560 --> 0:24:21.720 if you said in your soft voice, I think it'll 0:24:21.760 --> 0:24:27.520 be kind and clear. Here is the last question. Is 0:24:27.560 --> 0:24:31.120 it time to just move on and kind of give 0:24:31.200 --> 0:24:37.640 up on this friendship? M I cannot answer that for you. 0:24:37.640 --> 0:24:41.439 You know, we all stay in relationships up until the 0:24:41.480 --> 0:24:47.080 point that we can't tolerate them anymore. Sometimes people will say, 0:24:47.119 --> 0:24:49.720 oh my gosh, that's too long. I can't believe you've 0:24:49.760 --> 0:24:53.200 been in that situation for so long, and it may 0:24:53.240 --> 0:24:55.920 feel like it hasn't been long enough for us. It 0:24:56.000 --> 0:25:01.040 is really hard to leave relationships even when we should. 0:25:02.560 --> 0:25:06.360 So it's not always. You know, if people are mistreating you, 0:25:06.359 --> 0:25:08.720 you'll just get out of there. Yeah, if they do 0:25:08.800 --> 0:25:10.679 it the first day. But if you've been in a 0:25:10.720 --> 0:25:14.000 relationship with someone for you know, ten plus years, it's 0:25:14.040 --> 0:25:18.000 a lot harder. You are intertwined into their life, you 0:25:18.040 --> 0:25:20.800