WEBVTT - Rufus Wainwright 0:00:03.000 --> 0:00:05.720 It's not a perfect piece, but in a strange way, 0:00:05.720 --> 0:00:08.119 that kind of makes me enjoy it more because you 0:00:08.160 --> 0:00:11.000 can see how it could evolve into something like that. 0:00:11.000 --> 0:00:13.920 It's emanating from it. It's a live the piece. 0:00:14.160 --> 0:00:17.439 I can't wait. I don't want perfection. Perfection should actually 0:00:17.480 --> 0:00:19.080 go in a big hole in the back garden. 0:00:19.160 --> 0:00:24.880 Yeah, along with the words should hello, I'm mini driver. 0:00:25.480 --> 0:00:29.840 I've always loved Preust's questionnaire. It was originally in nineteenth 0:00:29.880 --> 0:00:33.360 century parlor game where players would ask each other thirty 0:00:33.360 --> 0:00:37.080 five questions aimed at revealing the other player's true nature. 0:00:37.960 --> 0:00:40.879 In asking different people the same set of questions, you 0:00:40.880 --> 0:00:44.240 can make observations about which truths appear to be universal. 0:00:44.440 --> 0:00:47.280 And it made me wonder, what if these questions were 0:00:47.320 --> 0:00:50.000 just the jumping off point, what greater depths would be 0:00:50.040 --> 0:00:54.080 revealed if I asked these questions as conversation starters. So 0:00:54.320 --> 0:00:57.000 I adapted Prus's questionnaire and I wrote my own seven 0:00:57.080 --> 0:01:00.440 questions that I personally think are pertinent to a person's story. 0:01:00.680 --> 0:01:03.840 They are when and where were you happiest? What is 0:01:03.840 --> 0:01:07.319 the quality you like least about yourself? What relationship, real 0:01:07.480 --> 0:01:11.080 or fictionalized, defines love for you? What question would you 0:01:11.120 --> 0:01:15.200 most like answered, what person, place, or experience has shaped 0:01:15.200 --> 0:01:17.960 you the most? What would be your last meal? And 0:01:18.000 --> 0:01:20.560 can you tell me something in your life that's grown 0:01:20.640 --> 0:01:24.039 out of a personal disaster. And I've gathered a group 0:01:24.280 --> 0:01:28.600 of really remarkable people, ones that I am honored and 0:01:28.720 --> 0:01:31.319 humbled to have had the chance to engage with. You 0:01:31.360 --> 0:01:34.600 may not hear their answers to all seven of these questions. 0:01:34.800 --> 0:01:38.160 We've whittled it down to which questions felt closest to 0:01:38.240 --> 0:01:42.520 their experience, or the most surprising, or created the most 0:01:42.520 --> 0:01:47.680 fertile ground to connect. My guest today is the musician 0:01:47.720 --> 0:01:53.120 and composer Rufus Wainwright. I remember waking up super hungover 0:01:53.640 --> 0:01:57.360 in the early summer of nineteen ninety eight. Elliot Smith 0:01:57.360 --> 0:01:59.680 had been sleeping on my sofa, and we went down 0:01:59.680 --> 0:02:01.840 to this old diner called the One oh One, which 0:02:01.880 --> 0:02:04.280 was near where I used to live, and we listened 0:02:04.280 --> 0:02:07.640 to Rufus's self titled first album on my CD Walkman 0:02:08.120 --> 0:02:11.360 leaning in so we both had a headphone. I remember 0:02:11.400 --> 0:02:14.160 how much we loved a song called April Fools and 0:02:14.200 --> 0:02:18.079 how that record became the anthem of our summer. Then 0:02:18.120 --> 0:02:20.359 I used to see Rufus at the Chelsea Hotel where 0:02:20.400 --> 0:02:22.960 my aunt Serena Bass used to have a bar, and 0:02:23.000 --> 0:02:26.200 when his next record Poses came out, I always wanted 0:02:26.200 --> 0:02:27.960 to go up to him and tell him how his 0:02:28.120 --> 0:02:31.000 music spoke and gave voice to a part of myself. 0:02:31.080 --> 0:02:35.520 I couldn't articulate. I never did, though. He's been one 0:02:35.560 --> 0:02:38.560 of the most diversely prolific artists of the past twenty 0:02:38.600 --> 0:02:42.160 five years, in my opinion, writing operas and musicals, setting 0:02:42.160 --> 0:02:45.600 Shakespeare's sonnets to music, and writing songs that hum with 0:02:45.760 --> 0:02:48.720 a kind of raw Americana that reaches out into folk 0:02:48.880 --> 0:02:52.240 music but is really an invention all of his own. 0:02:52.680 --> 0:02:55.400 I am so happy I got to talk to him today, 0:02:55.800 --> 0:02:58.000 and I hope you love our conversation as much as 0:02:58.040 --> 0:03:04.520 I do. I was talking with Sam the other time. Yes, 0:03:04.560 --> 0:03:07.120 we were talking about our mutual adoration. 0:03:07.919 --> 0:03:09.720 Yes, yes, I know, I know we've all. 0:03:09.880 --> 0:03:13.400 Sam and I have both just been through, you know, 0:03:13.480 --> 0:03:19.200 the whirlwind of the British of the British press with Also, 0:03:19.680 --> 0:03:22.160 you know, I just came back from London because I 0:03:22.560 --> 0:03:25.800 put on my first musical. I'm very happy with the piece. 0:03:25.880 --> 0:03:30.519 I don't think it's necessarily finished. I will say though, 0:03:30.560 --> 0:03:34.639 that experiencing the kind of English press and how they 0:03:34.800 --> 0:03:38.240 just once they kind of find a little crack or anything. 0:03:38.840 --> 0:03:41.440 It's just amazing how it just it's becomes like a 0:03:41.480 --> 0:03:45.120 blood sport between all the different papers, and you know, 0:03:45.240 --> 0:03:48.320 certain people are you know, so so so whatever. So 0:03:48.360 --> 0:03:50.839 it's it's uh and I know with samso movie, it's 0:03:50.880 --> 0:03:52.920 it's it's it's a it's a really brutal world over 0:03:52.960 --> 0:03:55.560 there in that in that sense, so so yeah. 0:03:55.600 --> 0:03:57.600 Well but I still love England. 0:03:57.240 --> 0:03:59.240 So oh my god. 0:03:59.680 --> 0:04:02.760 I know I have only ever really been at the 0:04:02.840 --> 0:04:05.720 hands of the British press, and it is there is 0:04:05.800 --> 0:04:10.400 honestly nowhere more that likes blood letting more. 0:04:10.480 --> 0:04:13.000 Yeah, yeah, it's astonishing. Love. 0:04:13.080 --> 0:04:15.280 Well, I'm going to crack on with these questions, and 0:04:15.320 --> 0:04:17.120 I'm so grateful that you're here. 0:04:17.240 --> 0:04:22.400 Thank you. 0:04:22.520 --> 0:04:26.919 What relationship, real or fictionalized, defines love for you? 0:04:27.680 --> 0:04:30.520 Well, I mean, the greatest love I have to say, 0:04:30.920 --> 0:04:32.240 or I hate to say it, but I don't hate 0:04:32.240 --> 0:04:35.120 to say it, are with some dead composers. For me, 0:04:36.160 --> 0:04:41.719 I really I have this inordinate love for opera composers, 0:04:42.000 --> 0:04:44.360 especially Verdi and even you know, we went to see 0:04:44.360 --> 0:04:46.600 a Puccini opera the other day in New York, and 0:04:46.640 --> 0:04:49.200 I had a similar reaction or Mahler or any of 0:04:49.240 --> 0:04:53.360 these great composers, because it is, I don't know, I 0:04:53.400 --> 0:04:56.800 can always go to them and listen to their music 0:04:56.920 --> 0:05:00.920 and be comforted by their spirit and their artists offerings, 0:05:00.960 --> 0:05:03.279 and it always does the trick, you know, it always 0:05:03.360 --> 0:05:06.240 does the trick. So I think my love for great composers, 0:05:06.560 --> 0:05:08.880 that really is what keeps me going in a lot 0:05:08.920 --> 0:05:09.520 of ways. 0:05:09.880 --> 0:05:12.839 Wow, is it the turnd do that you just thought? 0:05:13.200 --> 0:05:14.919 No, I saw you. 0:05:16.600 --> 0:05:22.040 My partner's mother is a lifelong Metropolitan opera goer. 0:05:22.400 --> 0:05:22.919 Oh wow. 0:05:23.120 --> 0:05:26.640 And she took him backstage. She took him on at all. 0:05:27.120 --> 0:05:30.240 And Henry, who's fifteen, said that they were bringing up 0:05:30.240 --> 0:05:33.640 the Zephyr early sets and actually. 0:05:33.279 --> 0:05:36.560 Getting to see them. And he said, watching the sets 0:05:36.600 --> 0:05:41.880 coming up and on the hydraulics and then hearing these 0:05:42.400 --> 0:05:46.039 opera singers warming up, he said, it was the most 0:05:46.040 --> 0:05:48.080 incredible feeling. And he has no reference. 0:05:48.120 --> 0:05:51.080 He's never been to the opera, he'd never been backstage 0:05:51.080 --> 0:05:54.800 at the Metropolitan, so there was something really extraordinary about 0:05:54.880 --> 0:05:57.080 kind of seeing it through his Oh. 0:05:57.040 --> 0:05:59.320 Yeah, yeah, no, no, No. Opera houses have always been 0:05:59.400 --> 0:06:01.320 my trick, My Catheeds was. 0:06:01.240 --> 0:06:03.440 Like, yeah, now, why do you think that is? 0:06:03.600 --> 0:06:05.599 I mean, that happened early for me. And it's interesting 0:06:05.600 --> 0:06:09.440 because I composed a requiem mass that's premiering in Paris 0:06:09.800 --> 0:06:13.680 on the fourteenth of June. It's called the Dream Requiem, 0:06:13.880 --> 0:06:16.680 and there's actually lots of singers and soprano. There's also 0:06:16.720 --> 0:06:20.080 a narrator in it because there's a Byron poem that 0:06:20.160 --> 0:06:22.440 kind of interweaves through it. And actually Meryl Streep is 0:06:22.480 --> 0:06:25.520 going to be the narrator. Yeah, so she's coming in 0:06:25.560 --> 0:06:28.160 for that, So we're going to do that concert. So 0:06:28.200 --> 0:06:31.320 it's exciting. But that's all because when I was thirteen, 0:06:31.760 --> 0:06:35.360 I heard Veriti's Requiem for the first time. My mother 0:06:35.560 --> 0:06:37.960 brought it home and we listened to it together, my 0:06:38.040 --> 0:06:39.720 mother and my aunt, the three of us did, and 0:06:39.720 --> 0:06:42.800 it just by the end of that two hour stint, 0:06:42.880 --> 0:06:45.120 I was a complete opera fanatic. It was like my 0:06:45.160 --> 0:06:47.440 own requiem in a lot of ways of my childhood 0:06:47.480 --> 0:06:49.479 and I just started going to operas all the time. 0:06:49.640 --> 0:06:52.360 It was nineteen eighty seven or so, and I knew 0:06:52.360 --> 0:06:55.640 I was gay, and you know, AIDS was everywhere, and 0:06:55.839 --> 0:06:57.440 it was a pretty brutal world. 0:06:57.600 --> 0:06:58.480 So opera. I don't know. 0:06:58.720 --> 0:07:01.320 It became my salvation in a lot of ways, just 0:07:01.520 --> 0:07:03.440 both the music and going to the opera house to 0:07:03.480 --> 0:07:05.480 seeing the sets and the singers and so forth. 0:07:05.560 --> 0:07:06.240 That's so funny. 0:07:06.320 --> 0:07:08.440 At my school you had to be in the choir 0:07:08.839 --> 0:07:11.280 and thirty's Requiem was the first piece that I learned. 0:07:12.640 --> 0:07:14.480 That's a pretty good one. 0:07:14.600 --> 0:07:17.080 By the way, starters you mean to go on, I 0:07:17.120 --> 0:07:21.520 thought they were all that good. I know that you're 0:07:21.520 --> 0:07:23.920 the child of musicians, But why do you think it 0:07:23.960 --> 0:07:24.480 was composers? 0:07:24.480 --> 0:07:26.680 Do you think it's because it was separate? 0:07:27.080 --> 0:07:29.840 What I love about the whole concept of being a composer, 0:07:29.880 --> 0:07:34.040 and this is, you know, being a traditional Western classical 0:07:34.160 --> 0:07:37.120 music composer is the trajectory, you know. I think it 0:07:37.160 --> 0:07:41.080 was Beethoven when he died. You know, he was obviously 0:07:41.160 --> 0:07:45.040 very sick and deaf, and apparently right before he died 0:07:45.120 --> 0:07:48.040 there was some thunder lightning and he kind of stood 0:07:48.120 --> 0:07:49.920 up and it was like he was trying to conduct it, 0:07:50.200 --> 0:07:51.800 you know, and then he died. 0:07:52.120 --> 0:07:53.560 And look, he arguably wrote. 0:07:53.360 --> 0:07:56.119 The most incredible music near the end of his life, 0:07:56.160 --> 0:07:58.920 like the last Quartets and the Misa Solemnis and stuff 0:07:58.960 --> 0:08:01.480 like that. In the Ninth Symphony, and that tends to 0:08:01.520 --> 0:08:04.360 be the goal for composers, is that you write the 0:08:04.360 --> 0:08:06.960 greatest stuff before you die, and most of them are 0:08:07.040 --> 0:08:10.280 like that. You know, Strauss's Four Last Songs or Verity's 0:08:10.280 --> 0:08:12.960 False Staff, you know, all of these great works. So 0:08:13.000 --> 0:08:15.680 I guess it's the trajectory that I admire, and this 0:08:15.840 --> 0:08:18.920 kind of constant deepening of your palette and trying to 0:08:19.240 --> 0:08:21.760 really make it better each time, which, of course the 0:08:21.800 --> 0:08:25.840 pop world is so lacking and has always been. 0:08:25.920 --> 0:08:26.600 You know, that's more. 0:08:26.520 --> 0:08:28.880 About youth and vigor and what's the hottest thing on 0:08:28.920 --> 0:08:31.000 the block right now, So it's an antidote to. 0:08:30.960 --> 0:08:31.440 That for me. 0:08:31.960 --> 0:08:34.679 My god, I'm thinking about you talking about having. 0:08:34.640 --> 0:08:38.800 Suffered whatever British press reactions to the musical that you've written, 0:08:38.840 --> 0:08:42.880 but you're answering that by going to Paris to perform 0:08:42.920 --> 0:08:47.240 a requiem written with Meryl Street narrating it. To me, 0:08:47.400 --> 0:08:49.640 it feels like that's the trajectory that you're talking about. 0:08:49.720 --> 0:08:53.960 It's not chasing the white hot popularity contest music. 0:08:54.080 --> 0:08:56.440 Yeah, And what's interesting about the requiem is that is that, 0:08:56.880 --> 0:09:00.880 like Verity, what I'm hoping is that, you know, if 0:09:00.880 --> 0:09:05.080 the piece does well, there's really pre requiem and post 0:09:05.160 --> 0:09:08.720 requiem for verity. After he wrote that piece, he became 0:09:08.840 --> 0:09:12.640 a much better composer because doing a religious piece you. 0:09:12.679 --> 0:09:14.920 Have to go to this other dimension. 0:09:15.000 --> 0:09:18.800 I mean, I'm not particularly religious per se, though I 0:09:18.880 --> 0:09:23.199 was a little shocked by how well it all fits, 0:09:23.679 --> 0:09:26.280 like all the Latin texts and the prayers and stuff like, 0:09:26.320 --> 0:09:28.720 it's all in there. But nonetheless, even if you're not 0:09:28.720 --> 0:09:31.640 a religious person, if you're writing religious music, you know, 0:09:31.679 --> 0:09:35.760 you have to at least try to believe in something. 0:09:36.520 --> 0:09:40.880 Yeah yeah, wait, did it encourage you to believe more 0:09:41.240 --> 0:09:43.439 in some Yeah? 0:09:43.559 --> 0:09:44.480 No, I question. 0:09:44.679 --> 0:09:46.640 I mean I was never baptized, but I had to 0:09:46.679 --> 0:09:48.679 go to church, you know, because of school and stuff 0:09:48.720 --> 0:09:51.000 as a kid. But I did have thoughts of maybe, 0:09:51.120 --> 0:09:53.160 you know, getting baptized just for the hell of it. 0:09:53.480 --> 0:09:55.160 But then I did go to church a few times, 0:09:55.200 --> 0:09:58.160 like over Christmas, I went to midnight Mass, and I 0:09:58.200 --> 0:09:59.599 was reminded of how boring. 0:09:59.400 --> 0:09:59.719 It was. 0:10:01.720 --> 0:10:04.559 And how I really don't like the whole actually being 0:10:04.600 --> 0:10:06.080 in church and all of that stuff. 0:10:06.120 --> 0:10:11.000 I find it needs an update, major updates. 0:10:11.120 --> 0:10:15.480 I love it, an update, but the prayers themselves and 0:10:15.520 --> 0:10:17.360 the stories and also Jesus. 0:10:17.440 --> 0:10:18.079 I think there are. 0:10:18.160 --> 0:10:22.200 Things that Jesus professed which we need to actually really start, 0:10:23.120 --> 0:10:24.079 you know, thinking about. 0:10:24.400 --> 0:10:28.280 I think perhaps also we need our approach to be updated. 0:10:28.640 --> 0:10:31.080 Yeah, yeah, I think all of that. 0:10:31.160 --> 0:10:32.520 Could we need a little. 0:10:32.240 --> 0:10:34.280 Bit, Yeah, yeah, we need we love. 0:10:35.720 --> 0:10:55.360 Less Didge. Where and when were you happiest? 0:10:56.040 --> 0:10:57.199 I would say. 0:10:59.000 --> 0:11:04.400 Probably a few months ago when I had nothing to 0:11:04.440 --> 0:11:08.080 do in the evening and I was just having dinner 0:11:08.720 --> 0:11:11.840 with my husband and our thirteen year old daughter, Viva, 0:11:11.960 --> 0:11:14.640 and we were just talking about the day, and then 0:11:14.679 --> 0:11:18.079 afterwards we played the game of Uno. And I think 0:11:18.120 --> 0:11:21.400 that fundamentally, it's when I've been happiest. You know, those 0:11:21.720 --> 0:11:23.959 nights are few and far between because I work so much. 0:11:24.080 --> 0:11:27.360 But I just hit fifty And what I'm realizing is that, 0:11:27.440 --> 0:11:29.920 you know, when you're happiest is not necessarily when you're 0:11:29.920 --> 0:11:33.400 happiest that's good meaning, that's sort of you know, the 0:11:33.720 --> 0:11:38.320 euphoria of being happy is tricky. But when there's this 0:11:38.400 --> 0:11:43.600 sort of there's a moment of peace and calm and 0:11:43.360 --> 0:11:46.880 and just beauty, I guess that I think is true happiness, 0:11:46.960 --> 0:11:49.680 even though it's not you know, ecstatic. So yeah, because 0:11:49.960 --> 0:11:52.640 the ecstatic thing always I love it, obviously, but it 0:11:52.679 --> 0:11:55.760 also you know, I've had a lot of ecstatic moments 0:11:55.800 --> 0:11:59.320 when in fact I was very unhappy without sort ofly 0:11:59.400 --> 0:12:00.120 knowing it. 0:12:00.320 --> 0:12:02.360 I wonder if that is something that comes with age, 0:12:02.400 --> 0:12:05.680 because it was the same with love. It was like 0:12:05.880 --> 0:12:09.480 love had to be ecstatic or I didn't recognize it 0:12:09.520 --> 0:12:11.880 as love. And the same with happiness, and I think 0:12:11.920 --> 0:12:14.280 there's such a what's the word. 0:12:14.679 --> 0:12:15.680 Maybe it's mellowing? 0:12:16.080 --> 0:12:17.600 Yeah, yeah, around. 0:12:17.320 --> 0:12:20.960 Happiness and love. It's not less, it's ten times more, 0:12:21.000 --> 0:12:21.520 but not be. 0:12:22.000 --> 0:12:23.600 And it's what you refer back to. 0:12:23.760 --> 0:12:26.680 I mean, you know, the touching moments in my life 0:12:27.360 --> 0:12:29.840 are when I think of those evenings of just me 0:12:29.960 --> 0:12:32.640 and my husband and my daughter having a nice meal together, 0:12:32.720 --> 0:12:34.880 how important that is, and how great that is, and 0:12:34.920 --> 0:12:37.240 how thankful I am for that, and how happy I 0:12:37.240 --> 0:12:38.319 am in that space. 0:12:38.760 --> 0:12:40.960 Can I ask you about writing from that space? 0:12:41.120 --> 0:12:41.320 Yes? 0:12:41.480 --> 0:12:44.080 Yes, Like, is it harder to write from a happy 0:12:44.240 --> 0:12:46.080 place than it is from a sad place? 0:12:46.600 --> 0:12:52.120 Well, look, I was kind of licking some of my 0:12:52.200 --> 0:12:54.960 wounds from some of what the press said about Opening 0:12:55.120 --> 0:12:58.439 Night and really went to a dark place, and then 0:12:58.480 --> 0:13:01.040 all of a sudden, all I could do was write 0:13:01.040 --> 0:13:04.480 another song, you know, And I started writing this other 0:13:04.559 --> 0:13:06.439 song and I think it's quite good, and it was 0:13:06.480 --> 0:13:07.920 a bit like, you know, you just got to move on 0:13:07.960 --> 0:13:11.400 to the next thing. And it did come from strife. 0:13:11.760 --> 0:13:14.360 So I mean, I don't want to say that. 0:13:15.440 --> 0:13:15.800 I don't know. 0:13:16.160 --> 0:13:18.520 Unfortunately, I think artists have to always kind of put 0:13:18.520 --> 0:13:19.760 themselves through all of it. 0:13:20.120 --> 0:13:22.160 I don't know. I'd like to let go of that notion. 0:13:22.440 --> 0:13:25.040 I don't know. There's a grain of truth in there. Yeah, 0:13:25.160 --> 0:13:28.000 So I don't know. I agree, No, I agree. 0:13:28.320 --> 0:13:31.520 I always think about Joni Mitchell, about her blowing up 0:13:31.880 --> 0:13:35.200 her relationship and then writing Blue because she was just 0:13:35.240 --> 0:13:38.839 too happy and too yeah yeah, was too beautiful as 0:13:38.880 --> 0:13:41.080 we yeah yeah, yeah yeah. 0:13:41.200 --> 0:13:44.360 I think being fundamentally happy and in a good place 0:13:44.440 --> 0:13:48.520 isn't necessarily conducive with great art. But I could be wrong, 0:13:48.600 --> 0:13:52.400 and I'm willing to also accept that if I am, hopefully. 0:13:56.640 --> 0:13:59.600 What is the quality you like least about yourself? 0:14:00.440 --> 0:14:06.760 My lack of initiative and kind of terms of the 0:14:06.840 --> 0:14:10.400 heart meaning that I I don't know. I think with 0:14:10.440 --> 0:14:13.800 the arts and with artistic pursuits and even with my career, 0:14:14.160 --> 0:14:16.360 I'm pretty good at shooting the arrow where it needs 0:14:16.400 --> 0:14:19.200 to go. But in terms of my personal life and 0:14:19.280 --> 0:14:21.760 so forth, I seem to have like this delayed reaction 0:14:21.880 --> 0:14:25.600 to everything. You know, I'll only realize three or four 0:14:25.680 --> 0:14:29.120 days later that I've been hurt emotionally or that I've 0:14:29.160 --> 0:14:32.560 done something a bit off, you know. And there are 0:14:32.600 --> 0:14:35.280 moments where I kind of know that I'm saying something 0:14:35.400 --> 0:14:38.600 or someone is saying something to me that's not productive, 0:14:39.040 --> 0:14:41.080 and I just sort of clam up. It's like a 0:14:41.120 --> 0:14:43.640 defense mechanism, and I just was in the moment I 0:14:43.680 --> 0:14:45.920 could actually say what I feel, and say what I need, 0:14:45.960 --> 0:14:48.640 and say what I really want and just you know, 0:14:48.720 --> 0:14:51.400 get to the meat of the matter. So that's what 0:14:51.440 --> 0:14:52.800 I hate about myself sometimes. 0:14:53.240 --> 0:14:57.200 Wow, that's interesting, the delay. But it's that it's not 0:14:57.560 --> 0:15:01.560 you thinking later, oh what I said about that person 0:15:01.640 --> 0:15:03.960 or to that person, but rather also for yourself. Like 0:15:04.480 --> 0:15:06.760 that's really interesting you saying I didn't know that i'd 0:15:06.800 --> 0:15:07.320 been hurt. 0:15:07.720 --> 0:15:09.360 Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah. 0:15:09.440 --> 0:15:12.480 With things that you find difficult about yourself, do you 0:15:12.560 --> 0:15:16.360 consciously work on them when they're not actually happening, or 0:15:16.400 --> 0:15:19.400 do you notice them when they do and go shit, 0:15:19.440 --> 0:15:20.120 I got to get to that. 0:15:20.800 --> 0:15:24.560 Well, I found more now and once again, I'm still 0:15:24.560 --> 0:15:27.080 referring to this experience I had of putting on a musical. 0:15:27.200 --> 0:15:28.760 Do you talk about it? It's very fresh. 0:15:28.880 --> 0:15:32.880 So I've gone through that experience and now I find 0:15:33.520 --> 0:15:36.000 just now I'm back to life and back to normal 0:15:36.080 --> 0:15:41.000 quote unquote existence. Yes, there are things that you know, 0:15:41.200 --> 0:15:44.720 with bringing up a child, or being married, or or 0:15:45.080 --> 0:15:48.160 dealing with you know, financial things, you know, nuts and 0:15:48.160 --> 0:15:51.920 bolts of life that I'm like, I got to just 0:15:52.000 --> 0:15:55.520 deal with this right now. You know, I can't blank 0:15:55.600 --> 0:15:58.640 out here, and it's easy for me to just lie 0:15:58.680 --> 0:16:02.040 in my bed and oh, I'm this tortured artist who 0:16:02.240 --> 0:16:05.240 has no room for anything else but creativity in my mind. 0:16:05.680 --> 0:16:08.720 But the truth is that you actually should probably you know, 0:16:08.800 --> 0:16:11.320 express this, And so I kind of slip into the 0:16:11.440 --> 0:16:14.520 artist mood to kind of avert some just normal things 0:16:14.520 --> 0:16:17.240 in life which would eventually bites you in the ass. 0:16:17.800 --> 0:16:20.400 Well, as my dad said, you never run up a 0:16:20.440 --> 0:16:22.640 bar tab you don't eventually have to pay. 0:16:23.000 --> 0:16:26.400 Yeah, it's horribly. 0:16:26.000 --> 0:16:28.360 It's horrible, and I think especially now because you know, 0:16:28.360 --> 0:16:30.840 because we have a thirteen year old daughter and she's amazing, 0:16:31.160 --> 0:16:34.960 but it's a really treacherous road right now bringing up 0:16:35.040 --> 0:16:36.880 kids and yeah it is, and you've got to really 0:16:36.880 --> 0:16:40.240 be on the ball and be ready to act immediately. 0:16:39.680 --> 0:16:40.280 Real quickly. 0:16:40.360 --> 0:16:43.400 I agree, I agree, I mean it does it forces 0:16:43.440 --> 0:16:47.120 you to be like vigilantly present having a teenager. 0:16:47.360 --> 0:16:48.720 I'm so I'm trying to do that. 0:16:52.920 --> 0:16:55.280 What question would she most like answered? 0:16:56.000 --> 0:17:01.480 I would say, oh god, I'm going to kind of 0:17:01.520 --> 0:17:04.439 go for the million dollar one. You know what happens 0:17:04.480 --> 0:17:07.560 after death? Yeah, you know, it's the one question that 0:17:07.600 --> 0:17:08.760 nobody has the answer to. 0:17:08.960 --> 0:17:11.439 So do you think it would make your life better 0:17:11.800 --> 0:17:12.560 if you knew? 0:17:13.280 --> 0:17:13.800 I don't know. 0:17:13.920 --> 0:17:16.919 It's something that and this goes back to like the 0:17:17.000 --> 0:17:20.359 composer thing is that is that you know, when you 0:17:20.400 --> 0:17:22.560 listen to that music, which is still so alive and 0:17:22.600 --> 0:17:26.800 still grappling with all of those big feelings and philosophies, 0:17:26.880 --> 0:17:29.919 there's always something screaming out from beyond the grave, you know, 0:17:30.040 --> 0:17:33.320 like come to me, or I know there's messages coming 0:17:33.320 --> 0:17:33.720 from there. 0:17:33.840 --> 0:17:35.520 You know that I hear loud and clear. 0:17:36.080 --> 0:17:38.000 I Mean, I can't say what they are exactly, but 0:17:38.040 --> 0:17:43.080 I'm very attuned to the other world. And if anything 0:17:43.160 --> 0:17:45.040 is just to like calm me down a little bit 0:17:46.800 --> 0:17:48.240 so I can focus on something else. 0:17:49.320 --> 0:17:51.080 I love it, So you'd like to know so that 0:17:51.119 --> 0:17:53.000 you can just relax a little. 0:17:53.320 --> 0:17:56.800 Yeah, but I don't think we'll ever know. 0:17:57.359 --> 0:17:59.440 No, I don't. I don't. I don't know that we 0:17:59.480 --> 0:18:02.000 will eat. But you're sure. I think you're right. You 0:18:02.040 --> 0:18:02.679 can feel it? 0:18:03.080 --> 0:18:04.720 Yeah, oh yeah, no, I feel it all the time. 0:18:05.000 --> 0:18:06.359 Do you have a right from that place? 0:18:06.920 --> 0:18:08.720 Oh? Yeah, right from that place all the time. 0:18:08.800 --> 0:18:12.240 I mean in my pieces, there's often references to death 0:18:12.320 --> 0:18:14.520 and whether it's gleeful or sad, I don't know. I 0:18:15.200 --> 0:18:18.680 think that's probably my Irish side, you know, from the 0:18:18.760 --> 0:18:20.000 mcgaragyll side. 0:18:20.400 --> 0:18:25.320 Do you think that a requiem could be happy? 0:18:26.359 --> 0:18:30.240 Oh yes, very much so mine isn't those. 0:18:31.000 --> 0:18:33.560 Sadly, it definitely could be mine. 0:18:33.560 --> 0:18:36.080 It's when I think of happy requiems per se, I mean, 0:18:36.119 --> 0:18:38.040 I love for by the way. 0:18:38.119 --> 0:18:40.119 That's the one that was the second one that I 0:18:40.240 --> 0:18:40.880 learned to sing. 0:18:41.200 --> 0:18:44.840 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0:18:44.880 --> 0:18:46.600 It has a very happy middle. 0:18:46.880 --> 0:18:50.760 Yeah yeah, has moments like that, and Mozart's requiem has 0:18:50.800 --> 0:18:53.879 a sort of sense of relief and peace. Mine the 0:18:53.960 --> 0:18:57.520 end especially is a little bit more spooky because it's 0:18:57.560 --> 0:18:59.240 a bit like where are we going? 0:19:00.119 --> 0:19:01.159 Where is this leading? 0:19:01.480 --> 0:19:04.040 Well, in terms of you wondering where are we going? 0:19:04.280 --> 0:19:07.320 Or yeah, well that's are we being led to salvation? 0:19:07.520 --> 0:19:09.320 Or are we being led to a living or are 0:19:09.400 --> 0:19:12.080 we being led to hell? There's a real question mark 0:19:12.119 --> 0:19:13.840 at the end of mine. It ends with like a 0:19:13.920 --> 0:19:17.159 child's chorus and they're kind of being led off. But 0:19:17.240 --> 0:19:19.160 it could also be like the pie piper. 0:19:19.680 --> 0:19:23.240 Oh that's creepy. I like it. Yeah, that's super creepy. 0:19:23.680 --> 0:19:26.320 So actually your answer to the what question do you 0:19:26.359 --> 0:19:29.040 most like answered that is something that you ruminate on? 0:19:29.359 --> 0:19:32.119 Is this after Yeah, I think on one end and 0:19:32.160 --> 0:19:34.360 one thing I'm obsessed with, and I'm also very afraid 0:19:34.400 --> 0:19:35.200 of it. 0:19:35.200 --> 0:19:36.720 It fascinates me. Do you know? 0:19:36.840 --> 0:19:40.320 I became less frightened of it when my mother died 0:19:41.040 --> 0:19:44.240 because I keep thinking, if she's there, I have this 0:19:44.359 --> 0:19:46.440 idea of tethering that because she. 0:19:46.560 --> 0:19:50.320 Was this portal in that there will be some sort 0:19:50.359 --> 0:19:52.520 of like you know, like the guys doing the sammaphore 0:19:52.800 --> 0:19:55.560 or me with the aeroplane. I just can imagine her 0:19:55.560 --> 0:19:57.080 there with headphones on and. 0:19:57.080 --> 0:19:59.560 Like two cons and like a high vis vest, being 0:19:59.600 --> 0:20:03.359 like in coming this way, this way to paradise. 0:20:03.560 --> 0:20:03.879 Men. 0:20:04.080 --> 0:20:06.560 I had to serve of an opposite experience than that 0:20:06.640 --> 0:20:09.000 with my mother, because my mother passed away too, about 0:20:09.240 --> 0:20:12.520 fifteen years ago, but it was her birthday, it was 0:20:12.560 --> 0:20:15.320 my birthday, sorry, And this was maybe six or seven 0:20:15.400 --> 0:20:19.360