1
00:00:00,320 --> 00:00:03,000
Speaker 1: Brought to you by the reinvented two thousand twelve Camray.

2
00:00:03,240 --> 00:00:10,000
Speaker 1: It's ready. Are you welcome to step Mom Never Told You?

3
00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:18,120
Speaker 1: From housetop works dot com. Hey thereon, Welcome to the podcast.

4
00:00:18,160 --> 00:00:20,640
Speaker 1: Is this Kristen and this is Molly, So Molly. This

5
00:00:20,680 --> 00:00:25,000
Speaker 1: week marked the fifteenth anniversary of the Violence Against Women Act,

6
00:00:25,440 --> 00:00:29,760
Speaker 1: which was passed in nineteen and it formally recognized domestic

7
00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:35,120
Speaker 1: abuse as criminal behavior. And this is really landmark legislation

8
00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:38,960
Speaker 1: for women and men um in the United States because

9
00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:41,440
Speaker 1: while we might not think of domestic abuse is something

10
00:00:41,479 --> 00:00:43,879
Speaker 1: that we talk about a lot, we might not think

11
00:00:43,880 --> 00:00:45,519
Speaker 1: of it as something that would ever happen to us.

12
00:00:45,560 --> 00:00:47,960
Speaker 1: But the fact of the matter is, according to the

13
00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:51,520
Speaker 1: Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, one point five million

14
00:00:51,560 --> 00:00:54,640
Speaker 1: women are raped or assaulted annually by a spouse or

15
00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:59,560
Speaker 1: intimate partner, and one third of female homicides are perpetrated

16
00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:03,160
Speaker 1: by an intimate partner. Those are some depressing statistics, Christen, Yeah,

17
00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:06,160
Speaker 1: they're very startling. It's it's it's sort of a it's

18
00:01:06,160 --> 00:01:08,160
Speaker 1: an awful problem. But I think what really makes it

19
00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:11,640
Speaker 1: perhaps more awful is the fact that it's not talked

20
00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:14,120
Speaker 1: about and then if it is talked about, people are like,

21
00:01:14,120 --> 00:01:15,800
Speaker 1: why do I need to hear this? This is very

22
00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:19,520
Speaker 1: Debbie Downer. Why should we talk about violence dance women, Jenny,

23
00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:22,880
Speaker 1: We're going to focus specifically on dating violence. You know,

24
00:01:23,080 --> 00:01:25,600
Speaker 1: we see a lot of things about women who are

25
00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:28,399
Speaker 1: married and abused by their husbands, or not as much

26
00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:30,399
Speaker 1: about husbands who are abused by their wives, but that

27
00:01:30,440 --> 00:01:32,760
Speaker 1: happens as well. But we know we have a lot

28
00:01:32,800 --> 00:01:34,760
Speaker 1: of young listeners out there, and it seems like it's

29
00:01:34,760 --> 00:01:37,520
Speaker 1: a real problem that these young kids don't know when

30
00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:40,959
Speaker 1: violence and relationship takes place right. And obviously the case

31
00:01:41,040 --> 00:01:44,160
Speaker 1: to point back to is the now very famous incident

32
00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:47,040
Speaker 1: between Rihanna and Chris Brown that really got a national

33
00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:51,520
Speaker 1: conversation going about dating violence and especially teen dating violence

34
00:01:51,880 --> 00:01:53,920
Speaker 1: and how it all gets started. So to start, I

35
00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:55,680
Speaker 1: think that we should just throw out a definition of

36
00:01:55,720 --> 00:01:59,280
Speaker 1: what exactly dating violence is, and dating violence is the

37
00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:04,120
Speaker 1: occurrence of physically, sexually, and or psychologically violent episodes in

38
00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:07,440
Speaker 1: the intimate interpersonal relationship. And I think it's important to

39
00:02:07,480 --> 00:02:12,480
Speaker 1: recognize that it is a threefold uh definition, because when

40
00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:15,320
Speaker 1: we hear violence, we just think about someone slapping you

41
00:02:15,480 --> 00:02:17,760
Speaker 1: or hitting you. But there are all these different layers

42
00:02:17,840 --> 00:02:20,840
Speaker 1: to dating violence that can occur that can make it

43
00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:23,400
Speaker 1: hard to recognize. Right, So I found the stuff from

44
00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:25,080
Speaker 1: the A p A that kind of breaks down what

45
00:02:25,240 --> 00:02:28,760
Speaker 1: something just like psychological abuse means. So here are some

46
00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:35,320
Speaker 1: examples of things that are considered dating violence. Name calling, insults,

47
00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:44,280
Speaker 1: public humiliation, yelling, threats, put downs, telling a person's secrets, jealousy, possessiveness,

48
00:02:44,280 --> 00:02:48,680
Speaker 1: isolating a person from friends and family, destroying gifts, clothing, letters,

49
00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:52,799
Speaker 1: damaging a car, home, or other prize possessions. Uh, those

50
00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:54,560
Speaker 1: are the things I think that we really don't think

51
00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:57,120
Speaker 1: about that often. We might just assume that their normal behavior.

52
00:02:57,160 --> 00:03:00,480
Speaker 1: These are the things we probably think about. Slapping, hitting, shoving, grabbing,

53
00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:05,359
Speaker 1: hair pulling, biting, throwing objects at a person, um insisting

54
00:03:05,480 --> 00:03:07,680
Speaker 1: physically or verbally that a person who said no have

55
00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:12,799
Speaker 1: sex anyway, forcing sex, and then um abuse of privilege. Also,

56
00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:16,760
Speaker 1: so one person in the couple makes all the decisions. Uh,

57
00:03:16,760 --> 00:03:19,120
Speaker 1: Like and a guy. This is an example from the apia.

58
00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:22,200
Speaker 1: The guy expects his girlfriend to wait on and pamper him,

59
00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:25,200
Speaker 1: or a guy makes his girlfriend treats his girlfriend as

60
00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:28,520
Speaker 1: if she is a property he owns. Which that can happen.

61
00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:30,800
Speaker 1: You know, either party in a in any in any

62
00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:33,400
Speaker 1: relationship can do that, right, And as we'll talk about

63
00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:36,280
Speaker 1: later in the podcast, all of these behaviors feed into

64
00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:39,680
Speaker 1: what's called the cycle of violence. But Molly, let's um,

65
00:03:40,040 --> 00:03:44,160
Speaker 1: let's talk about how prevalent dating violence is, because to me,

66
00:03:44,240 --> 00:03:47,360
Speaker 1: this was one of the most shocking findings from our research. Because,

67
00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:51,960
Speaker 1: according to the CDC's two thousand seven Youth Risk Behavior Survey,

68
00:03:52,120 --> 00:03:55,320
Speaker 1: nine point nine percent of teen respondents answered yes to

69
00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:58,240
Speaker 1: the question during the past year, did your boyfriend a

70
00:03:58,320 --> 00:04:02,240
Speaker 1: girlfriend ever hits up or physically hurt you on purpose?

71
00:04:02,480 --> 00:04:05,240
Speaker 1: And that's just physical abuse, Like, that's what we're saying

72
00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:09,680
Speaker 1: is the easiest to recognize, but the number just jumps

73
00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:12,160
Speaker 1: if people are asked whether they have been called a

74
00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:15,480
Speaker 1: name or insulted. Are just made to feel humiliated? Right? Yeah.

75
00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:17,800
Speaker 1: According to Safe Youth dot org, first of all, it

76
00:04:17,839 --> 00:04:20,320
Speaker 1: is difficult to to say how common dating violence is

77
00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:24,520
Speaker 1: because different surveys are going to pinpoint different types of abuse.

78
00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:27,000
Speaker 1: But they say that past estimates of physical and sexual

79
00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:30,720
Speaker 1: dating violence among high school high school students typically ranges

80
00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:34,320
Speaker 1: between ten and twenty five percent, and then esthmates for

81
00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:37,440
Speaker 1: college students go up to between twenty and thirty percent,

82
00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:40,400
Speaker 1: and then once they take into account verbal threats and

83
00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:43,640
Speaker 1: emotional abuse, those estimates go up even higher. So this

84
00:04:43,760 --> 00:04:45,800
Speaker 1: is a very prevalent problem. It might it might be

85
00:04:45,800 --> 00:04:49,320
Speaker 1: as highest fifty seven according to UM Pediatric Nursing, a

86
00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:51,640
Speaker 1: study that was published there. So, I mean, it depends

87
00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:53,520
Speaker 1: how you ask the question, it depends what you are

88
00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:56,760
Speaker 1: viewing as abuse. UM, I think the number to stick

89
00:04:56,800 --> 00:04:59,920
Speaker 1: with probably that is most pinpointable as this nine percent.

90
00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:03,360
Speaker 1: But I think why one of the reasons we've decided

91
00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:05,320
Speaker 1: some port to talk about DAN violence is because of

92
00:05:05,360 --> 00:05:09,279
Speaker 1: these other things that aren't easily noticeable. Yeah, this article

93
00:05:09,320 --> 00:05:11,760
Speaker 1: that we found in the journal Pediatric Nursing pointed out

94
00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:16,080
Speaker 1: that especially with teens, they have a difficulty discriminating between

95
00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:20,479
Speaker 1: what is actually abuse and what's just kidding around or

96
00:05:20,640 --> 00:05:23,360
Speaker 1: just a show of affection. You know, because when you're

97
00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:25,280
Speaker 1: in think about it on the playground, you know, when

98
00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:27,400
Speaker 1: you like to boy you would push them down and

99
00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:29,680
Speaker 1: like kind of silly things like that, and you have

100
00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:35,040
Speaker 1: raging hormones going on. Maybe you know you are misinterpreting behaviors.

101
00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:38,799
Speaker 1: And I think for teens especially, They also aren't expecting

102
00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:42,839
Speaker 1: to ever be in an abusive relationships, so it can

103
00:05:42,920 --> 00:05:45,599
Speaker 1: be very hard for them to spot right. So what's

104
00:05:45,640 --> 00:05:48,960
Speaker 1: interesting to me about this UM article that you cited, Kristen,

105
00:05:49,120 --> 00:05:52,280
Speaker 1: is that boys and girls have very different viewpoints on

106
00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:57,200
Speaker 1: what is abuse and how each gender perpetrates abuse because

107
00:05:57,680 --> 00:06:00,000
Speaker 1: we do have sort of the stereotype that women are

108
00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:03,120
Speaker 1: of victims and men are the abusers. But you know,

109
00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:05,240
Speaker 1: it's just as easy for the tables to be flipped.

110
00:06:05,279 --> 00:06:09,200
Speaker 1: But men and women or you know, young teens inflict

111
00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:11,880
Speaker 1: this abuse in different ways. It's more likely that women

112
00:06:11,880 --> 00:06:15,200
Speaker 1: are trying to exert control over the male in terms

113
00:06:15,279 --> 00:06:18,720
Speaker 1: of you know, cutting them off from friends, um, being

114
00:06:18,800 --> 00:06:20,479
Speaker 1: very jealous, you know, going through a cell phone or

115
00:06:20,520 --> 00:06:22,560
Speaker 1: something like that, and they might that might also involve

116
00:06:22,640 --> 00:06:25,839
Speaker 1: more minor physical violence. Yeah, mind games. I mean, you know,

117
00:06:25,920 --> 00:06:27,560
Speaker 1: that's the old thing is that girls are always good

118
00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:29,400
Speaker 1: at that. So how can you determine between when a

119
00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:32,440
Speaker 1: girl is just being controlling and when it's abuse. But

120
00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:35,760
Speaker 1: males were more likely to use this physical violence as

121
00:06:35,800 --> 00:06:38,560
Speaker 1: a way to punish a woman for something she had done.

122
00:06:38,839 --> 00:06:41,880
Speaker 1: And while abuse can be mutual and is mutual, in

123
00:06:41,920 --> 00:06:45,400
Speaker 1: a number of relationships and especially in uh teen dating

124
00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:50,159
Speaker 1: violence scenarios. Uh, there is a difference in um, the

125
00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:53,359
Speaker 1: type of abuse, but the girls and guys give because,

126
00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:56,200
Speaker 1: like you said, the stuff that girls are doing is

127
00:06:56,240 --> 00:06:59,840
Speaker 1: more mind or physical violence and more of the mind games.

128
00:06:59,880 --> 00:07:02,440
Speaker 1: And as you said, whereas with boys, UM, they're a

129
00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:06,080
Speaker 1: lot more likely to use severe physical violence and actually

130
00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:09,040
Speaker 1: terrorize the girls. So while there is abuse going on

131
00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:12,040
Speaker 1: on both sides of the spectrum, UM, it is usually

132
00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:15,200
Speaker 1: more severe on UM on the girl's side when she

133
00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:18,280
Speaker 1: is the victim. So dating violence, UM, it's sort of

134
00:07:18,320 --> 00:07:21,200
Speaker 1: a new thing in terms of being studied because you know,

135
00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:23,440
Speaker 1: we we typically just think more about because you know,

136
00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:26,120
Speaker 1: it's it's such a private thing right now, researchers think

137
00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:29,160
Speaker 1: that it starts around the tenth grade. It may start

138
00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:31,680
Speaker 1: becoming you know, lower and lower in terms of grade

139
00:07:31,760 --> 00:07:34,560
Speaker 1: level as girls get involved the relationships earlier. You know,

140
00:07:34,560 --> 00:07:38,160
Speaker 1: we've talked about how girls are maturing much faster these days,

141
00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:40,800
Speaker 1: So that might involve getting into your first romantic relationship

142
00:07:40,840 --> 00:07:43,440
Speaker 1: at a really young age. UM, and you don't have

143
00:07:43,520 --> 00:07:45,880
Speaker 1: sort of that background in relationships to let you know

144
00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:48,640
Speaker 1: what's right and what's wrong. And I think you know,

145
00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:52,160
Speaker 1: it's important to say that abuse can happen to anyone,

146
00:07:52,280 --> 00:07:55,600
Speaker 1: regardless of where you live, your background, your beliefs, anything

147
00:07:55,640 --> 00:07:58,400
Speaker 1: like that. But there are a few risk factors for

148
00:07:58,560 --> 00:08:02,480
Speaker 1: UM abusive relations ships. Yeah, certain behaviors MOLLY that UM

149
00:08:02,880 --> 00:08:07,280
Speaker 1: are more associated with dating violence include UM high risk

150
00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:11,880
Speaker 1: behaviors such as smoking, unsafe, unsafe sex, gang membership, low

151
00:08:11,920 --> 00:08:16,040
Speaker 1: academic achievement, access to weapons, and alcohol abuse. And they're

152
00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:20,600
Speaker 1: also certain perpetrator personality traits UM that are shared among

153
00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:26,840
Speaker 1: abusers UM, such as expressing feelings of betrayal, jealousy, and security, hostility,

154
00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:31,280
Speaker 1: and a correlation to earlier victimization in life. Like when

155
00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:34,280
Speaker 1: the Chris Brown Rihanna case came out, one of the

156
00:08:34,320 --> 00:08:36,679
Speaker 1: first things that people started talking about was the fact

157
00:08:36,720 --> 00:08:41,280
Speaker 1: that one of Chris Brown's mom's ex boyfriends was abusive

158
00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:43,559
Speaker 1: toward her. And in the Larry King Live interview that

159
00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:45,800
Speaker 1: he gave, they kind of talked a little bit about that,

160
00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:48,720
Speaker 1: and he talked about being able to UM not necessarily

161
00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:51,840
Speaker 1: being abused directly by the boyfriend, but being able to

162
00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:55,000
Speaker 1: hear his mom being beaten up by the boyfriend and

163
00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:57,600
Speaker 1: how traumatic that was and how that probably fed into

164
00:08:57,920 --> 00:09:00,920
Speaker 1: a cycle of abuse later on in life. And speaking

165
00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:03,800
Speaker 1: of teen male abusers, UM, there was one l a

166
00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:06,679
Speaker 1: times blog posts that I ran across that was pointing

167
00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:09,600
Speaker 1: to UM a study in the American Journal of Men's

168
00:09:09,640 --> 00:09:13,040
Speaker 1: Health that was looking into the lives of violent boys.

169
00:09:13,040 --> 00:09:15,840
Speaker 1: Because a lot of times this research about dating violence

170
00:09:15,840 --> 00:09:18,480
Speaker 1: and domestic violence is usually focused on the women because

171
00:09:18,480 --> 00:09:20,760
Speaker 1: it's generally assumed that the women are going to be

172
00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:24,079
Speaker 1: the victims, which our statistics are showing is not necessarily

173
00:09:24,080 --> 00:09:27,960
Speaker 1: the case. But UM, this study looking into kind of

174
00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:31,640
Speaker 1: the home lives of these these boys who UH were

175
00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:35,280
Speaker 1: displaying violent tendencies, UM found a correlation between that and

176
00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:40,719
Speaker 1: problematic home environments, inadequate supported school UM community contexts characterized

177
00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:45,040
Speaker 1: by violence and peer interactions that encourage sexual maltreatment of girls.

178
00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:48,679
Speaker 1: So it's problems starting on so many different levels, and

179
00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:51,880
Speaker 1: the at home, in the community, at school, all these

180
00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:56,720
Speaker 1: different factors going into UM erupting into a violent relationship. Yeah.

181
00:09:56,760 --> 00:09:59,560
Speaker 1: The Journal Pediatric Nursing points out that while you know,

182
00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:02,240
Speaker 1: many of these abusers have this history, it's more of

183
00:10:02,280 --> 00:10:05,280
Speaker 1: the fact that uh, this violence as a means of

184
00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:08,320
Speaker 1: controlling your significant other is accepted by your peers. If

185
00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:10,560
Speaker 1: a guy is trying to, you know, get along with

186
00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:13,800
Speaker 1: his buddies and his girl is doing something that embarrasses him,

187
00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:16,160
Speaker 1: it seems like a lot of it. You know, how

188
00:10:16,160 --> 00:10:18,240
Speaker 1: he's gonna deal with it depends on what his friends

189
00:10:18,280 --> 00:10:21,880
Speaker 1: think is acceptable. And I think it's also important to

190
00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:24,720
Speaker 1: point out, UM, what we're talking about dating violence is

191
00:10:24,760 --> 00:10:27,920
Speaker 1: that while it's often framed in terms of guy girl relationships,

192
00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:31,160
Speaker 1: UH Safe youth dot Org points out that this also

193
00:10:31,200 --> 00:10:36,640
Speaker 1: happens in team homosexual relationships and transgender relationships, especially UM

194
00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:40,280
Speaker 1: when the relationship is more covert and the abuser might

195
00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:42,360
Speaker 1: be able to exert a little more control over that

196
00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:44,840
Speaker 1: person because they don't want to be out in the

197
00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:47,560
Speaker 1: public right have them know what's going on, and it

198
00:10:47,640 --> 00:10:49,400
Speaker 1: might be harder for these people to get help because

199
00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:52,360
Speaker 1: already they are not they're outside of a norm in

200
00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:55,720
Speaker 1: their school environment. So Molly wants the cycle of abuse

201
00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:59,680
Speaker 1: has started. It can have obviously behavioral effects on the

202
00:10:59,679 --> 00:11:03,320
Speaker 1: person and who is being abused. For instance, UM adolescent

203
00:11:03,360 --> 00:11:06,720
Speaker 1: girls who report abuse UM abuse from dating partners have

204
00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:10,160
Speaker 1: been found to have elevated risk of engaging in risky

205
00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:14,840
Speaker 1: sexual behaviors. The use of alcohol, tobacco, and cocaine, unhealthy

206
00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:17,800
Speaker 1: weight control. There's a big correlation between abuse and eating

207
00:11:17,800 --> 00:11:22,959
Speaker 1: disorders and also um early pregnancy, which is we'll talk

208
00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:25,240
Speaker 1: about this later, but it only makes it harder to

209
00:11:25,280 --> 00:11:28,040
Speaker 1: get yourself out of a situation with an abuser if

210
00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:30,720
Speaker 1: then you find yourself pregnant with an abuser's baby. Yeah,

211
00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:34,200
Speaker 1: because in adult relationships, pregnancy is one of the main

212
00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:39,280
Speaker 1: triggers for abuse to start happening, which is pretty disturbing. UM.

213
00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:43,040
Speaker 1: So let's talk about once this, uh, the abuse starts,

214
00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:47,440
Speaker 1: how this cycle of violence uh perpetuates this pattern. So

215
00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:49,680
Speaker 1: I think the cycle of violence takes into account the

216
00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:52,080
Speaker 1: fact that that both people recognize that some sort of

217
00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:54,679
Speaker 1: line has been crossed. You know, you slap someone, you're like, oh,

218
00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:56,680
Speaker 1: shouldn't have done that, and then you go into a

219
00:11:56,720 --> 00:12:00,440
Speaker 1: cycle of guilt where you know you're worrieded, you're gonna

220
00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:02,360
Speaker 1: get caught, You're worried the person is gonna leave you,

221
00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:04,920
Speaker 1: and the person is going to do what they can

222
00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:08,120
Speaker 1: to regain control, act like nothing's happened. You might have

223
00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:10,800
Speaker 1: a nice little honeymoon period where you know, they try

224
00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:12,959
Speaker 1: and make it up to you, and you might think

225
00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:16,439
Speaker 1: everything is fine. But then after that phase of normal behavior,

226
00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:19,640
Speaker 1: when uh, the the abuser and the victim are kind

227
00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:22,439
Speaker 1: of back in their their regular routine and and the

228
00:12:22,520 --> 00:12:25,920
Speaker 1: victim is feeling better about things, then there's this phase

229
00:12:26,040 --> 00:12:30,000
Speaker 1: called fantasy where the abuser will start to fantasize again

230
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:34,840
Speaker 1: about UM abusing either hitting or slapping, or UM sexually

231
00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:38,680
Speaker 1: abusing UM the partner and UM. Then there will be

232
00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:43,200
Speaker 1: some kind of set up in which um uh there

233
00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:47,120
Speaker 1: Let's say someone he sees like a text from it's

234
00:12:47,160 --> 00:12:49,960
Speaker 1: a guy girl relationship, and the guy sees a text

235
00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:53,120
Speaker 1: on his girlfriend's phone from a guy friend of hers.

236
00:12:53,160 --> 00:12:56,360
Speaker 1: No nothing, no hanky bank going on bcs A text,

237
00:12:56,679 --> 00:12:59,480
Speaker 1: and he goes into some jealous rage and blames her

238
00:12:59,559 --> 00:13:02,959
Speaker 1: for leading this guy on, setting her up for um

239
00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:06,720
Speaker 1: the situation where he then gets violent again, and so

240
00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:09,360
Speaker 1: the abuse happens, and then the guilt happens, and then

241
00:13:09,360 --> 00:13:12,120
Speaker 1: once again we're back into the excuses in the normative

242
00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:15,120
Speaker 1: period where um, you know, he calms her down and

243
00:13:15,240 --> 00:13:18,920
Speaker 1: everything is fine and it uh. It's all also often

244
00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:23,040
Speaker 1: preceded by a period of psychological abuse, where the girl

245
00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:26,880
Speaker 1: is usually her self confidence is battered and you know,

246
00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:29,320
Speaker 1: she takes on this victim mentality that you know, she

247
00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:32,280
Speaker 1: does deserve the treatment that she's getting, and I'm using

248
00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:34,920
Speaker 1: he she And obviously this pronounce can be switched around

249
00:13:34,920 --> 00:13:37,640
Speaker 1: depending on whatever kind of relationship we're talking about, but

250
00:13:37,679 --> 00:13:39,560
Speaker 1: I think it's important that UM, for a lot of

251
00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:42,480
Speaker 1: that cycle. As you point out, there's this fantasy stage

252
00:13:42,480 --> 00:13:44,760
Speaker 1: where it's just sort of in one person's head, which

253
00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:47,240
Speaker 1: is why it might if you're in that situation. Seems

254
00:13:47,240 --> 00:13:50,000
Speaker 1: so hard to fathom that you're in an abusive relationship

255
00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:53,640
Speaker 1: because it happens and then the guilt, fantasy, etcetera. Is

256
00:13:53,679 --> 00:13:55,959
Speaker 1: sort of on the other person's head and you think

257
00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:57,880
Speaker 1: everything's fine, it was out of the ordinary, it was

258
00:13:57,920 --> 00:14:01,439
Speaker 1: just a one time thing, and um, then when it

259
00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:03,839
Speaker 1: happens again, it's it's almost like a sister and your

260
00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:06,600
Speaker 1: self confidence because it seems so out of the ordinary,

261
00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:09,560
Speaker 1: right because dating violence usually doesn't happen after you know,

262
00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:12,120
Speaker 1: like a few weeks of dating. It's something where people

263
00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:15,000
Speaker 1: have been in there an established relationship, and it would

264
00:14:15,040 --> 00:14:17,520
Speaker 1: seem like out of the ordinary behavior for someone to

265
00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:19,680
Speaker 1: lash out like that. So, like you said, they could,

266
00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:21,640
Speaker 1: you know, just think that it's going to be a

267
00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:23,520
Speaker 1: one time thing, and well, I think that this is

268
00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:26,160
Speaker 1: a good time to bring up UM. An email that

269
00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:27,960
Speaker 1: we received which is one of the main reasons why

270
00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:31,760
Speaker 1: we're even doing this podcast, and that kind of um

271
00:14:31,840 --> 00:14:37,440
Speaker 1: illustrates uh, this dating violence teen dating violence. Today. We

272
00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:40,000
Speaker 1: got it from a girl who was very concerned. She's

273
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:41,920
Speaker 1: in the tenth grade, which, as we said, is that

274
00:14:42,160 --> 00:14:46,440
Speaker 1: the grade when this type of stuff usually starts to happen.

275
00:14:47,040 --> 00:14:50,280
Speaker 1: And UM, she was very concerned because she saw another

276
00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:53,120
Speaker 1: girl in the tenth grade and with her UM with

277
00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:55,920
Speaker 1: her boyfriend who was a junior in high school. She

278
00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:57,960
Speaker 1: doesn't know them very well, but they're an established couple.

279
00:14:58,120 --> 00:15:01,800
Speaker 1: They're a really cute couple at school, and it made

280
00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:05,920
Speaker 1: her very uncomfortable because she saw him yelling at her

281
00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:08,120
Speaker 1: in the hall and grabbing her around the neck when

282
00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:10,000
Speaker 1: she tried to pull away, and he was demanding to

283
00:15:10,040 --> 00:15:13,000
Speaker 1: see her phone to look through her text messages. She

284
00:15:13,040 --> 00:15:14,760
Speaker 1: said he pulled it right out of her pocket while

285
00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:18,080
Speaker 1: holding her still and pushed her away against the wall,

286
00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:20,880
Speaker 1: and then he yelled at her about who she was texting.

287
00:15:21,080 --> 00:15:23,200
Speaker 1: But then the bell ring and everyone left her class,

288
00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:26,800
Speaker 1: and she felt terrible because she saw this obviously abusive

289
00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:29,360
Speaker 1: scenario with this couple who has been going out for

290
00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:31,480
Speaker 1: a while, so everyone knows him that this as this couple,

291
00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:33,840
Speaker 1: but um, she doesn't know what to do. She's not

292
00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:36,080
Speaker 1: good friends with a girl, but at the same time,

293
00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:38,760
Speaker 1: she doesn't want to stand by and know that some

294
00:15:38,840 --> 00:15:41,720
Speaker 1: other woman is possibly being abused, especially you know, I

295
00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:44,400
Speaker 1: mean they're teph grade there, what's sixteen years old? And

296
00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:45,960
Speaker 1: so I think that there's the fear that you would

297
00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:48,600
Speaker 1: go to the girl and she would say, oh, it's

298
00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:51,080
Speaker 1: a one time only situation. And that's what we're trying

299
00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:55,720
Speaker 1: to put ourselves in that mindset of how you can justifyed,

300
00:15:55,720 --> 00:15:57,680
Speaker 1: I guess, because I think the question that when you

301
00:15:57,720 --> 00:16:00,480
Speaker 1: see it from the outside, you're like, well, how can

302
00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:02,280
Speaker 1: you put up with that? How you should just leave?

303
00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:04,320
Speaker 1: Obviously she should just break up with her boyfriend and go.

304
00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:07,000
Speaker 1: And I think that that's a really damaging viewpoint. We

305
00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:09,360
Speaker 1: want to try and show how this cycle happened so

306
00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:10,840
Speaker 1: that you would think that it was something out of

307
00:16:10,840 --> 00:16:13,760
Speaker 1: the ordinary. And you need to know that if you're

308
00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:17,680
Speaker 1: trying to approach someone about this situation, because even though

309
00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:19,600
Speaker 1: it makes perfect sense to you that you need to

310
00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:22,520
Speaker 1: get out of that situation. I mean, think about a

311
00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:25,960
Speaker 1: teen relationship. There's nothing more serious or precious or worth

312
00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:29,080
Speaker 1: protecting in the world than like your first big relationship. Absolutely,

313
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:31,240
Speaker 1: and you might get defensive, especially if it's someone you

314
00:16:31,280 --> 00:16:34,200
Speaker 1: don't know very well coming up to you and saying

315
00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:37,200
Speaker 1: that you know your boyfriend's being abusive towards you. And

316
00:16:37,240 --> 00:16:40,720
Speaker 1: even if you know that something wrong is happening, I

317
00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:43,240
Speaker 1: mean plenty of people might just there need your reaction

318
00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:46,160
Speaker 1: might just be very defensive and say, no, what are

319
00:16:46,160 --> 00:16:48,160
Speaker 1: you doing but out of my business? Right, And if

320
00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:51,040
Speaker 1: you do take on that mentality of I did deserve it.

321
00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:52,640
Speaker 1: You know, he did ask to see the phone. We

322
00:16:52,640 --> 00:16:54,240
Speaker 1: don't know the whole story about what was going on.

323
00:16:54,320 --> 00:16:56,560
Speaker 1: I shouldn't be texted. He's right, I shouldn't have texted

324
00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:58,240
Speaker 1: that guy. Yes, I mean I think that if you're

325
00:16:58,240 --> 00:17:00,320
Speaker 1: trying to protect that relationship, that's how you get in

326
00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:02,600
Speaker 1: that mindset. And we're not saying that that mindset is

327
00:17:02,680 --> 00:17:05,280
Speaker 1: right or wrong, just you need to know, I think

328
00:17:05,280 --> 00:17:08,119
Speaker 1: what you're up against if you're going to approach someone

329
00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:10,480
Speaker 1: like this. Yeah. So first, when we're talking about how

330
00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:13,600
Speaker 1: to address um teen dating violence or dating violence in

331
00:17:13,640 --> 00:17:16,680
Speaker 1: general while you, um, you found a good suggestion for

332
00:17:16,720 --> 00:17:20,720
Speaker 1: what people, guys and girls can do to make sure

333
00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:24,280
Speaker 1: that they don't end up in a dangerous situation. Yes,

334
00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:27,720
Speaker 1: this comes courtesy of the Alabama Coalition against Domestic Violence,

335
00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:30,600
Speaker 1: which has a really great site about all types of

336
00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:34,639
Speaker 1: domestic violence, including dating violence. And it are just teams

337
00:17:34,680 --> 00:17:38,120
Speaker 1: to put up a dating safety plan. And so let's say,

338
00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:41,200
Speaker 1: if you're on your first date with someone, um considered

339
00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:43,879
Speaker 1: a double date, let everyone know where you're going and

340
00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:45,720
Speaker 1: when you're going to be back. Um, you may not

341
00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:47,280
Speaker 1: want to do that when you're a team. You've got

342
00:17:47,320 --> 00:17:50,760
Speaker 1: these parents who are bearing, but it's important for your

343
00:17:50,760 --> 00:17:53,480
Speaker 1: own safety for that too, for that plan to be

344
00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:55,679
Speaker 1: in place and to have a trust of person you

345
00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:58,160
Speaker 1: can call should the date go sour. And really that's

346
00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:01,480
Speaker 1: a good idea if you're a teen or your our age.

347
00:18:01,520 --> 00:18:03,280
Speaker 1: I mean, it's just or if you're aiding and going

348
00:18:03,320 --> 00:18:05,600
Speaker 1: on a first date exactly, it's just smart. That's just smart.

349
00:18:05,600 --> 00:18:07,920
Speaker 1: So everyone needs to have this dating safety plan. Now,

350
00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:10,560
Speaker 1: let's say you're a few dates in and um, you're

351
00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:13,239
Speaker 1: not quite sure about a guy. All these sources just

352
00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:15,640
Speaker 1: urge you to trust your guy. If something doesn't seem right.

353
00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:17,080
Speaker 1: Even though you might not have a whole lot of

354
00:18:17,119 --> 00:18:20,080
Speaker 1: experience dating, it's probably not right. But these are sort

355
00:18:20,119 --> 00:18:23,520
Speaker 1: of the UM standard warning signs that your date may

356
00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:29,560
Speaker 1: eventually become abusive. UM extreme jealousy, controlling behavior UH, unpredictable

357
00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:33,359
Speaker 1: mood swings, alcohol and drug use, explosive anger, isolates you

358
00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:37,040
Speaker 1: from friends and family. UM hyper sensitive believes in rigid

359
00:18:37,080 --> 00:18:41,080
Speaker 1: sexuals and blames others for his problems or feelings. So

360
00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:43,600
Speaker 1: you may see that, you may think, oh, it's just

361
00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:46,880
Speaker 1: one part. As time goes on, and you know, let's

362
00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:48,840
Speaker 1: say you're in this relationship. You love the guy, but

363
00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:51,640
Speaker 1: he still has this side of his personality. Don't let

364
00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:54,080
Speaker 1: this isolation from friends and family leave you without that

365
00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:56,480
Speaker 1: same person you can call when things go sour. It's

366
00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:59,320
Speaker 1: really important to have at any point relationship someone you

367
00:18:59,320 --> 00:19:01,439
Speaker 1: can call that can get you out of the situation.

368
00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:05,840
Speaker 1: UM I means you know, immediate means just driving you away.

369
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:08,440
Speaker 1: So always have away, always have an escape plan. Yeah,

370
00:19:08,440 --> 00:19:11,080
Speaker 1: because that is one UM when you when you're talking

371
00:19:11,119 --> 00:19:14,920
Speaker 1: about domestic violence and kind of the pathology of an abuser,

372
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:18,000
Speaker 1: that is one of the main ways that victims get

373
00:19:18,040 --> 00:19:21,320
Speaker 1: trapped in that cycle is uh, they isolated, end up

374
00:19:21,359 --> 00:19:23,840
Speaker 1: isolating themselves away from friends and families. So, like you said,

375
00:19:23,880 --> 00:19:26,719
Speaker 1: in a case of an emergency, they don't have anybody

376
00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:29,960
Speaker 1: to call, So always be sure you have someone to call. UM.

377
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:31,760
Speaker 1: If they take your cell phone, you shall always have

378
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:34,320
Speaker 1: UM change on, you have a calling card, have ways

379
00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:37,080
Speaker 1: to get around your sort of normal ways of communication

380
00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:40,440
Speaker 1: if the person you're with starts to monitor your cell phone,

381
00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:45,040
Speaker 1: use things like that. UM and Uh, we're talking about,

382
00:19:45,080 --> 00:19:47,199
Speaker 1: you know, having somebody to call. And the thing is, like,

383
00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:49,399
Speaker 1: Molly and I can't exactly say that there's one person

384
00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:52,280
Speaker 1: you know, if you you find yourself in a dating

385
00:19:52,359 --> 00:19:56,320
Speaker 1: violence situation, there isn't one person you definitely should talk to.

386
00:19:56,359 --> 00:19:58,600
Speaker 1: It's gonna vary for everybody, Like some people might want

387
00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:00,840
Speaker 1: to talk to their guidance counselor with their school nurse,

388
00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:02,919
Speaker 1: with their mom, or their friend whoever. And even in

389
00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:06,800
Speaker 1: this pediatric nursing article that Molly and I keep referencing,

390
00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:10,000
Speaker 1: um It mentions that girls are more likely to divulge

391
00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:13,600
Speaker 1: information about this to friends, siblings, and parents, whereas boys

392
00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:17,439
Speaker 1: are more likely to talk to non family members and professionals. Okay,

393
00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:20,439
Speaker 1: So that's sort of the explanation of how UM the

394
00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:23,840
Speaker 1: person in the situation deals with it and recognizes it.

395
00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:26,360
Speaker 1: But our email dealt with someone who's seeing it from

396
00:20:26,359 --> 00:20:28,240
Speaker 1: the outside, And I think it's a lot easier to

397
00:20:28,240 --> 00:20:30,760
Speaker 1: see from the outside, but it's a lot harder to

398
00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:33,080
Speaker 1: know how to approach the person about it. Yeah, so

399
00:20:33,160 --> 00:20:36,080
Speaker 1: let's just talk UM for a second about some warning signs.

400
00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:38,320
Speaker 1: These are from safe Youth dot org, and these are

401
00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:42,200
Speaker 1: some warning signs that someone might be in a violent situation.

402
00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:45,600
Speaker 1: And this includes do you see signs that the individual

403
00:20:45,680 --> 00:20:48,080
Speaker 1: is afraid of his or her boyfriend or girlfriend. Does

404
00:20:48,119 --> 00:20:50,080
Speaker 1: a boyfriend or girlfriend seem to try to control the

405
00:20:50,080 --> 00:20:53,400
Speaker 1: individual's behavior, making all the decisions, checking up on behavior,

406
00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:58,080
Speaker 1: acting jealous, possessive. Does the individual apologize for the boyfriend

407
00:20:58,119 --> 00:21:02,000
Speaker 1: or girlfriend's behavior to you or others? UM? Has the

408
00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:05,159
Speaker 1: person lost interest in school and other activities as a

409
00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:08,240
Speaker 1: person's appearance or behavior suddenly changed. Like we were talking

410
00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:13,040
Speaker 1: about the link between UM, female abuse and eating disorders.

411
00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:16,480
Speaker 1: UM has individual stuff spending time with friends and family,

412
00:21:16,520 --> 00:21:19,640
Speaker 1: going back to that isolation factor, And has the individual

413
00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:24,360
Speaker 1: recently started uh using alcohol or drugs and seen UM

414
00:21:24,359 --> 00:21:29,080
Speaker 1: sudden changes in mood, and those are all warning signs,

415
00:21:29,119 --> 00:21:31,520
Speaker 1: you know of of that kind of relationship. But once

416
00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:34,200
Speaker 1: you know so our listener who wrote in she's seen

417
00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:37,160
Speaker 1: you know what, definitely seems like some pretty clear red

418
00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:41,080
Speaker 1: flags about this relationship. So what does she do? How

419
00:21:41,080 --> 00:21:44,760
Speaker 1: do you approach someone, um, even someone especially you might

420
00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:48,000
Speaker 1: not be a friend of yours, to say, hey, I'm

421
00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:50,680
Speaker 1: really worried about you. Well, I think that that's the

422
00:21:50,720 --> 00:21:52,639
Speaker 1: best thing you can say is I'm really worried about you.

423
00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:56,200
Speaker 1: Can't go in and I think accuse a boyfriend of something,

424
00:21:56,240 --> 00:21:59,040
Speaker 1: because you know, we read about how I mean, like

425
00:21:59,040 --> 00:22:01,159
Speaker 1: we've just named of all these things. Women are going

426
00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:03,639
Speaker 1: to be apologizing for the behavior. They're not in a

427
00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:07,679
Speaker 1: state to admit the mail is wrong necessarily yet because

428
00:22:07,720 --> 00:22:10,960
Speaker 1: it's so out of the ordinary, they may be making excuses.

429
00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:12,560
Speaker 1: So you say this is why I'm worried about you.

430
00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:15,639
Speaker 1: Don't accuse anyone of doing anything, but say this is

431
00:22:15,680 --> 00:22:19,320
Speaker 1: wrong because you know that's not joking around, that's not

432
00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:22,320
Speaker 1: a punishment for anything you did. That's inappropriate. Yeah, And

433
00:22:22,359 --> 00:22:24,800
Speaker 1: I think it's important before you approach someone to educate

434
00:22:24,840 --> 00:22:28,240
Speaker 1: yourself about this cycle of abuse, to kind of understand

435
00:22:28,680 --> 00:22:32,800
Speaker 1: from the victims perspective what is going on, um, Because

436
00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:36,840
Speaker 1: like right after the Chris Brown Rihanna incident, UM, there

437
00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:40,199
Speaker 1: was obviously a lot of discussion, UM among women. There

438
00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:41,520
Speaker 1: are a lot of blogs that you and I checked

439
00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:44,439
Speaker 1: regularly that we're kind of debating this whole issue because

440
00:22:44,640 --> 00:22:48,160
Speaker 1: right after uh he was arrested, there was the news

441
00:22:48,240 --> 00:22:50,280
Speaker 1: that they had been seen together. You know, when women

442
00:22:50,320 --> 00:22:52,240
Speaker 1: were like, what is she doing with him? She should

443
00:22:52,280 --> 00:22:55,520
Speaker 1: just drop him? This is absurd, um. But the fact

444
00:22:55,520 --> 00:22:58,040
Speaker 1: of the matter is, with the cycle of abuse, UM,

445
00:22:58,080 --> 00:23:00,600
Speaker 1: it is much easier so than done to has dropped

446
00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:03,080
Speaker 1: somebody because of women that I know, and I do

447
00:23:03,160 --> 00:23:05,479
Speaker 1: know a handful of women who have been in UM

448
00:23:05,680 --> 00:23:09,320
Speaker 1: violent relationships before they were long term relationships. It wasn't

449
00:23:09,359 --> 00:23:11,359
Speaker 1: just a couple of months he started hitting her and

450
00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:13,600
Speaker 1: she left. It took a while for them to first

451
00:23:13,640 --> 00:23:16,400
Speaker 1: recognize the pattern of abuse and then actually be able

452
00:23:16,440 --> 00:23:19,600
Speaker 1: to cut ties totally with the guy. Right. So don't

453
00:23:19,640 --> 00:23:22,040
Speaker 1: approach it the way some of these blogs approached this

454
00:23:22,160 --> 00:23:25,480
Speaker 1: very infamous incident. Don't say, oh, you need to leave him,

455
00:23:25,480 --> 00:23:29,160
Speaker 1: Just say, let's talk about this, be very open Endedn't

456
00:23:29,240 --> 00:23:31,919
Speaker 1: don't be judgmental, because that is just the way for

457
00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:34,000
Speaker 1: someone to put the wall down, because how I mean,

458
00:23:34,200 --> 00:23:36,640
Speaker 1: especially if you don't know the couple that well, as

459
00:23:36,640 --> 00:23:39,119
Speaker 1: in this situation, it would be so easy for the

460
00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:41,480
Speaker 1: girl to say you don't understand, you don't know me,

461
00:23:41,560 --> 00:23:43,119
Speaker 1: and that would be the end of it. But I

462
00:23:43,160 --> 00:23:46,000
Speaker 1: think just knowing that UM, someone cares for you and

463
00:23:46,080 --> 00:23:49,840
Speaker 1: doesn't want UM, that wants the best for you. Yeah,

464
00:23:49,840 --> 00:23:51,879
Speaker 1: even as simple as just asking if they're okay and

465
00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:53,600
Speaker 1: if they ever need to talk, you know, it's a

466
00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:56,720
Speaker 1: very good way to open the door. And I think this, Molly,

467
00:23:56,720 --> 00:23:58,720
Speaker 1: would be a great time for us to throw out

468
00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:01,840
Speaker 1: the number for a National domestic Violence hotline. This is

469
00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:05,440
Speaker 1: something you can call if you are in a violent relationship,

470
00:24:05,560 --> 00:24:08,119
Speaker 1: or if you're worried about a friend or family member

471
00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:10,560
Speaker 1: or whoever who might be in a violent relationship. They

472
00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:13,000
Speaker 1: can help you out there the experts and the number

473
00:24:13,040 --> 00:24:16,280
Speaker 1: to that is one hundred seven nine nine Safe And

474
00:24:16,280 --> 00:24:18,480
Speaker 1: they also have um a website I'm sure if you

475
00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:23,000
Speaker 1: just google National Domestic Violence Hotline. So it's very easy

476
00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:25,719
Speaker 1: for Kristen and I to do all this research and

477
00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:27,560
Speaker 1: to read off things about how you know you just

478
00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:30,880
Speaker 1: go and have this very open ended conversation. It's not judgmental.

479
00:24:30,920 --> 00:24:34,120
Speaker 1: You just tell them you're concerned about their safety. UM.

480
00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:36,240
Speaker 1: But I personally, I have never been in a situation

481
00:24:36,240 --> 00:24:39,119
Speaker 1: where I tried to have this conversation, and I think

482
00:24:39,160 --> 00:24:41,720
Speaker 1: it's one of those things where reading everything you can

483
00:24:41,760 --> 00:24:43,320
Speaker 1: in the world, it's not going to prepare you for

484
00:24:43,359 --> 00:24:45,760
Speaker 1: being in that situation. So we want to hear from

485
00:24:45,760 --> 00:24:49,280
Speaker 1: people who have been in this situation. UM. Not necessarily

486
00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:51,800
Speaker 1: the abuse sad, but maybe what did you do if

487
00:24:51,800 --> 00:24:55,000
Speaker 1: you saw a friend in an uncomfortable situation? Was there

488
00:24:55,040 --> 00:24:57,000
Speaker 1: any tip that you can give us that actually does

489
00:24:57,560 --> 00:25:00,280
Speaker 1: make a difference? And what will do of us? Will

490
00:25:00,359 --> 00:25:02,840
Speaker 1: keep everything anonymous, But Kristen, I have a blog how

491
00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:05,160
Speaker 1: to stuff, and we would like to eventually jo post

492
00:25:05,640 --> 00:25:08,280
Speaker 1: how to talk to a friend who's in a dating

493
00:25:08,320 --> 00:25:11,280
Speaker 1: violent situation. So let us know what should be in

494
00:25:11,520 --> 00:25:14,640
Speaker 1: that blog. What are the good tips or this concerned?

495
00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:17,480
Speaker 1: What are the useless tips? What's helpful to know about

496
00:25:17,480 --> 00:25:20,360
Speaker 1: this cycle of violence? What hit home and what didn't? Yeah,

497
00:25:20,400 --> 00:25:23,639
Speaker 1: we wanna, we wanna call real world information to help

498
00:25:23,880 --> 00:25:26,679
Speaker 1: UM other people out there in this situation because the

499
00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:29,359
Speaker 1: reason why we should talk about dating violence, UM is

500
00:25:29,440 --> 00:25:32,480
Speaker 1: because it happens a lot and not enough people are

501
00:25:32,600 --> 00:25:35,280
Speaker 1: addressing it right And if you know, I hope no

502
00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:37,879
Speaker 1: one saw the topic and thought, oh, what an old retread.

503
00:25:38,119 --> 00:25:40,680
Speaker 1: You know, people get abused, they should leave, it's bad.

504
00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:44,080
Speaker 1: I mean why we should talk about is because, especially

505
00:25:44,119 --> 00:25:46,240
Speaker 1: if you're a team, it's just so hard to recognize

506
00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:50,040
Speaker 1: the difference between joking around, as we said, and a real, violent,

507
00:25:50,400 --> 00:25:54,359
Speaker 1: dangerous situation. Yeah, and it happens, happens more than you think. Yeah. So,

508
00:25:54,440 --> 00:25:58,080
Speaker 1: if you have any questions or comments UM about any

509
00:25:58,119 --> 00:26:01,200
Speaker 1: of this, UH, please feel free to give send me

510
00:26:01,280 --> 00:26:03,840
Speaker 1: and Molly an email at mom stuff and how stuff

511
00:26:03,880 --> 00:26:08,240
Speaker 1: works dot com. And we always make sure to respect anonymity,

512
00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:14,480
Speaker 1: especially in UM more private UH issues like this, And

513
00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:16,960
Speaker 1: as always, you can head over to our blog during

514
00:26:16,960 --> 00:26:18,560
Speaker 1: the week to check out what we're writing on. It's

515
00:26:18,560 --> 00:26:23,040
Speaker 1: called how to stuff and UM. You can also go

516
00:26:23,200 --> 00:26:26,480
Speaker 1: and educate yourself more on a variety of topics, including

517
00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:29,320
Speaker 1: how jealousy works, which is one of the behavioral factors

518
00:26:29,359 --> 00:26:33,240
Speaker 1: that can lead into domestic in dating violence at how

519
00:26:33,320 --> 00:26:38,560
Speaker 1: stuff works dot com for more on this and thousands

520
00:26:38,560 --> 00:26:42,760
Speaker 1: of other topics. Doesn't how stuff works dot com. Want

521
00:26:42,800 --> 00:26:45,640
Speaker 1: more how stuff works, check out our blogs on the house.

522
00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:52,520
Speaker 1: Stuff works dot Com home page. Brought to you by

523
00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:56,000
Speaker 1: the reinvented two thousand twelve Camray. It's ready, are you