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Speaker 1: Nick Yes, Nicky here, I am hi. No, uh hello,

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Speaker 1: We're in the same room for the first time since

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Speaker 1: we started this show. It feels unreal, like I can't

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Speaker 1: believe I'm seeing you in person. I know, hello, Welcome

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Speaker 1: to the house I've been living in for the past

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Speaker 1: I don't know how long. Um, when we get in

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Speaker 1: a week ago, something like that. I live here now.

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Speaker 1: When I first moved in, I was like when we

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Speaker 1: first arrived, I was I do this with every new

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Speaker 1: place I live in. I make a decision, I get

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Speaker 1: there and I'm like, I hate it, and I freak

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Speaker 1: out and I go it smells weird, like I smell

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Speaker 1: weird smells because it's all in your head. Like the

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Speaker 1: first night we arrived, I was just in such a

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Speaker 1: bad I talked about it on the show. Um, I

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Speaker 1: was in such a bad mood that like, I was

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Speaker 1: spending so much money on this place and it wasn't

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Speaker 1: I wanted it to be like better decorated. I don't

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Speaker 1: know what. I wanted to have the right odor. And

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Speaker 1: it started smelling because I was upset about it, and

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Speaker 1: I was like, it smells like ship. Also, Carlisle brought

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Speaker 1: her dog that was farting a lot, and I hate

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Speaker 1: dog farts of a dog that I'm like, I just

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Speaker 1: haven't been like I have don't love yet. I mean,

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Speaker 1: I do love her dog, but it has human eyes

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Speaker 1: and it freaks me out and it has human farts,

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Speaker 1: and so they were like, it's not the dog, it's

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Speaker 1: just the place. And I was like, this place smells

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Speaker 1: like dog farts, and I was so mad. And but

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Speaker 1: now I come home and I'm like, I love my

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Speaker 1: house and I like love it so much. So that's

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Speaker 1: just to anyone in my life who constantly deals with

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Speaker 1: my wishy washiness. Let me get through a period of

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Speaker 1: being like I want to leave and I don't want

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Speaker 1: to do this. Just let me sleep on it, and

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Speaker 1: I will be so attached that I end up buying

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Speaker 1: this house. That's how I work. I was recently asked

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Speaker 1: by some guy I was talking to of like, what's

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Speaker 1: your worst What's like the worst thing about you in

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Speaker 1: a relationship? And I was trying to figure out, like, oh,

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Speaker 1: what would have my ex boyfriend have said? M hmmm,

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Speaker 1: what do what you know? Trying to answer honestly not

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Speaker 1: like well, sometimes I have morning breath or like I

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Speaker 1: feel like that was a joke in something, but like

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Speaker 1: just some like little flaw of like sometimes you know,

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Speaker 1: my hair gets frizzy. It was like I was really searching,

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Speaker 1: like what's my fucking character defect in a relationship, and

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Speaker 1: it's I changed my mind a lot. I changed my

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Speaker 1: mind a lot. But I always land on the where

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Speaker 1: I'm supposed to be so like I and sometimes I don't.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes I do, you know, I I will always I

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Speaker 1: have knee jerk reactions of like I want him out

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Speaker 1: of my life, like what there it's a friend or

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Speaker 1: something like someone's like I'm done with this, reach a

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Speaker 1: point and I'm like I and I'm brutal about it,

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Speaker 1: or I'm like I want to leave this hotel, this

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Speaker 1: is disgusting or whatever, and then just let me sit

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Speaker 1: with it, and then I will calm down. I'll stop

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Speaker 1: smelling the phantom smells. I will stop thinking that I

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Speaker 1: can never forgive this person, when really I can forgive

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Speaker 1: a house for smells. I can forgive myself for paying

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Speaker 1: too much money for a place that really I'm not

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Speaker 1: gonna be homeless because of how I overspent on this.

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Speaker 1: And I can also um forgive people even though there's

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Speaker 1: I have made those excisions in my life where I've

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Speaker 1: I like kind to fire people that I've loved because

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Speaker 1: it was just like a bad like I I used

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Speaker 1: to have, like a person that worked on my show,

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Speaker 1: and um, we did it. He was just like causing

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Speaker 1: me a lot of stress because he was just anxious

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Speaker 1: and he was supposed to be someone who kind of

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Speaker 1: like put me at ease, like that was his job.

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Speaker 1: And I was like, this isn't gonna work even though

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Speaker 1: I love you, and I had to like fire him,

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Speaker 1: and I don't know that that was for the best,

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Speaker 1: but I did think about it a lot, but it

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Speaker 1: was a knee jerk that I ended up executing. Do

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Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. I don't even know what

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Speaker 1: I'm talking about, but I'm wishy washy and I didn't

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Speaker 1: know that about myself until everyone started telling me. But

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Speaker 1: I changed my mind a lot, and um, it's my

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Speaker 1: ex boyfriend said. I think that was the hardest thing

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Speaker 1: about dating me was that we would be going to lunch.

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Speaker 1: This was an example he gave. We would be going

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Speaker 1: to lunch and I'd be like, I really want to

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Speaker 1: invite Lizzie and I want invite Bubble and I would

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Speaker 1: just like start inviting people and be like I just

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Speaker 1: want to make it as fun as possible. Like for

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Speaker 1: this house here, I'm like, I want all the rooms

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Speaker 1: filled constantly. Why not, like why not offer this awesome

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Speaker 1: place to like everyone? And then I like keep adding

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Speaker 1: people and then I'm like do I even want them here?

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Speaker 1: And then they get here and I'm like so happy,

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Speaker 1: But there's a moment of like why do I do that?

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Speaker 1: Why do I always like have to like make these

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Speaker 1: things and put these things into action, and then they're happening,

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Speaker 1: and I like regret it, and then I get mad

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Speaker 1: at the person that is accepting the thing, coming to

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Speaker 1: dinner or whatever, and I'm like, I don't even wonder there,

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Speaker 1: why did I do that? It's like, yes, I did,

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Speaker 1: just trust the moment anyway, Um, is any of this relatable?

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Speaker 1: I mean, yes, this is I feel like this is

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Speaker 1: called decision paralysis. We're constantly bombarded with so many decision

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Speaker 1: making processes that it's it's hard. I understand what you mean.

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Speaker 1: I have the same thing for me. I call it

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Speaker 1: a time out, And if I'm angry over something or

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Speaker 1: if I'm arguing over something, I know that like I

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Speaker 1: just I need my brain to have everything settled in

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Speaker 1: there before I can truly know what I want. Yes,

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Speaker 1: but sometimes you make a knee jerk and you just

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Speaker 1: have to deal with the fallout and you can't go

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Speaker 1: why did I do that? NICKI? Why did you? Why

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Speaker 1: did you invite that person? Why did you agree to

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Speaker 1: that job? What you like? It's like because in the

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Speaker 1: moment I did want it, Like we were talking about

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Speaker 1: this last night of like yesterday, I was like, oh no,

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Speaker 1: this was two days ago. I had my um curson

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Speaker 1: in town, my best friends in fourth grade, and like,

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Speaker 1: before I get to l A, I just said yes

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Speaker 1: to every set that came in. I wasn't really paying

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Speaker 1: attention to the dates. I was like, I need to

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Speaker 1: work on the MTV monologue, and I accepted sets like

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Speaker 1: after the show already taped, and I'm like, why am

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Speaker 1: I doing? Why am I running around doing five sets

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Speaker 1: in one night when I just taped this award show

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Speaker 1: two nights ago that I was so exhausted from. And

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Speaker 1: it's like because in the time that they asked me,

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Speaker 1: I want to so how do you? And I had

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Speaker 1: to do it because they sold tickets with my face

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Speaker 1: on them, so I was like, I and I want

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Speaker 1: to be a person of my word, but I will

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Speaker 1: say that if I agree to go to a like

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Speaker 1: a thing, that when it shows up, I don't want

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Speaker 1: to do it. I can just be honest. Like the

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Speaker 1: other day, I was scheduled to do a podcast and

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Speaker 1: I was like, I do I. I looked at the

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Speaker 1: UM address right before I was supposed to be there,

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Speaker 1: was like an hour before I Suppo to be there.

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Speaker 1: In the address, it was forty minutes away in an uber,

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Speaker 1: and I'm just like annoyed, I have to buy my

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Speaker 1: own uber to this podcast, annoyed all to buy it

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Speaker 1: back um, annoyed it so far away. It's all my

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Speaker 1: fault though, because she sent the address a week ago,

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Speaker 1: so it's like I should have looked at it. But

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Speaker 1: I was just like, I don't want to do it.

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Speaker 1: I'm going to be in a bad mood. So I

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Speaker 1: wrote her. I was like I instead of being like

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Speaker 1: I almost started drafting a thing of like I don't

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Speaker 1: feel good this morning, which is not a lie because

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Speaker 1: I didn't feel good, but I was like, you're too

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Speaker 1: far away and I didn't look at the address, and

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Speaker 1: this is my fault. I'm sorry, and it ended up

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Speaker 1: being fine because I told the truth. But um, I

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Speaker 1: think this is what I'm talking about, though, Like you

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Speaker 1: have so many offers coming at you. It's like going

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Speaker 1: to a department store and trying and and and figuring

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Speaker 1: out what shirt you're gonna buy. There's so many things

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Speaker 1: for you that it's it's and they're all people that

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Speaker 1: I really want to do the things, like the people

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Speaker 1: I would have dreamed of asking me to do this

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Speaker 1: thing before. So it's hard to turn down. Or they're

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Speaker 1: my friends who have done that show every time I've

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Speaker 1: been in town for the past ten years, and so

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Speaker 1: how am I suddenly turning it down now? And it's

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Speaker 1: a fun night. But I will say that Friday night

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Speaker 1: I went to a show and and there were there

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Speaker 1: there was potential of like, uh people being there that

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Speaker 1: I was like attracted to and like wanting to be

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Speaker 1: like want you know, like I was telling you this yesterday,

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Speaker 1: I wanted to take Friday night off because Thursday night

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Speaker 1: was the Awards. They went great, and then I go

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Speaker 1: on Friday night, I was like, I'm taking the night off,

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Speaker 1: but then you know, I wanted to hang out with

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Speaker 1: David Spade and uh, he was going to Theo's show

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Speaker 1: that was like this fun outdoor show and Andrew was

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Speaker 1: on it and it was gonna be a hang, and

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Speaker 1: I go, I'll just go hang and I don't want

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Speaker 1: to do a set. I invite some friends. Kurson was

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Speaker 1: in town. It was such a fun hang backstage because

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Speaker 1: backstage you can watch the show, but they can't hear you,

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Speaker 1: so you can talk through the whole damn thing. When usually,

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Speaker 1: like when you're like with a crowd of comedians in

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Speaker 1: the back, you've like watch the show even though we

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Speaker 1: don't want to watch comedy most of the time. I mean,

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Speaker 1: we all watched thee O set and it was fucking hilarious.

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Speaker 1: And Spade set was insanely good too, and it made

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Speaker 1: they made me not want to go up because I

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Speaker 1: was I'm so just grasping at new ideas that I'm

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Speaker 1: just not going to be as strong as these guys

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Speaker 1: and um, and I didn't want to go up because

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Speaker 1: there was like someone coming that I like have a

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Speaker 1: crush on that I was like, I don't want to

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Speaker 1: be up there, like so like, it's just that's my

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Speaker 1: masculine energy killing it in my job woman, and that's

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Speaker 1: not who I want to be in a relationship. Who

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Speaker 1: is I telling this to yesterday me? But I was

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Speaker 1: telling someone else then they didn't get it. They could

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Speaker 1: not grasp it. I know you grasp that. Sure. I

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Speaker 1: did Rick Lesbon's podcast two days ago and I was

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Speaker 1: explaining this to him and he was like, well, then

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Speaker 1: aren't you yourself on stage? And I'm like yes, But

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Speaker 1: in a relationship, I'm like, I just want to be

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Speaker 1: like a girl that doesn't have like, you know, hot

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Speaker 1: takes and and I want to make hot cakes, not

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Speaker 1: hot takes in a relationship. Of course, I want to

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Speaker 1: be like stand up for myself and all those things.

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Speaker 1: But the energy I have when I am in a

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Speaker 1: relationship is the not on stage. So if you're attracted

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Speaker 1: to me on stage and that's not one of the way,

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Speaker 1: I'm not gonna boss you around in bed like that.

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Speaker 1: I'm not going to be like that. I am like

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Speaker 1: a little girl in a relationship that just wants to

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Speaker 1: be like, wants to have my feelings met, not feelings heard,

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Speaker 1: not my thoughts respected. Like on stage, I'm like getting

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Speaker 1: my thoughts. People are like, wow, she's smart and funny.

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Speaker 1: And and then when I got up stage, I went

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Speaker 1: people to be like, she's so cute and sensitive and

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Speaker 1: all those things. I want that, if that makes sense.

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Speaker 1: So I didn't want to go up and see it

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Speaker 1: was like plays, Nikki, go up, plays however he talks

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Speaker 1: and um, Gang Gang Love CEO is like a deeper

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Speaker 1: voiced Carlyle. Yes. Carlott was like, Nikki, go up. You

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Speaker 1: cann't go up, And I was like, I don't want

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Speaker 1: to carl out because I just wanted to. I want

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Speaker 1: the night off. I want to be able this new

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Speaker 1: post COVID. Nikki wants to be able to take a

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Speaker 1: goddamn night enough of comedy. Even though I'm hanging out

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Speaker 1: of the club. Just because there's a stage doesn't mean

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Speaker 1: I need to be on it. But then the people

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Speaker 1: start chanting Nick. No they didn't, but I Carlisle needed

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Speaker 1: to practice a set for an audition. The only way

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Speaker 1: I knew that I was going to be able to

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Speaker 1: finagle her a set on the show was if I

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Speaker 1: offered up myself to as a package deal. It's much

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Speaker 1: like how publicists work. Yeah you can if you do

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Speaker 1: a piece with Nikki, will give you Beyonce kind of

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Speaker 1: thing like That's so I did the same thing, I

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Speaker 1: go THEO, okay, I'll go up as you let Carlile

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Speaker 1: go up. So I took the bullet for my friend,

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Speaker 1: and I begged the room of people, including the potential

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Speaker 1: guy that I was like kind of into and wanted

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Speaker 1: only to see me in a feminine way, even though

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Speaker 1: he had also seen me host he seen me do

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Speaker 1: stand up. It's not like these guys, because Rick was like, so,

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Speaker 1: these guys should never see you do stand up. And

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Speaker 1: it's not that I just I was in an energy

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Speaker 1: that night of like flirty and like being like the

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Speaker 1: way I am in a relationship, like inviting and like submissive,

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Speaker 1: and then when I go on stage, it rex all that.

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Speaker 1: So I went on stage and I begged them not

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Speaker 1: to watch, and and then I came back off stage

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Speaker 1: and they all did this fake like It was almost

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Speaker 1: like a middle school play where they're like murmur, like

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Speaker 1: you know, there's like I remembered to kill mock murder

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Speaker 1: in middle school. They were like everyone like, you know,

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Speaker 1: then talking about yourself and everyone goes murmur. That's how

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Speaker 1: murmur got to be. You say that enough and it

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Speaker 1: sounds like talking. And they were all doing that, and

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Speaker 1: I walked again and I go, fuck you all, I

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Speaker 1: know this, and they all laughed so hard because they

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Speaker 1: were like, we watched it was great. I'm like, no,

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Speaker 1: it wasn't. You don't know. I'm not. I didn't ask

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Speaker 1: you to watch because I'm not going to be funny.

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Speaker 1: Of course I am. It's because I want this person

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Speaker 1: to potentially look at me like a girlfriend or like whatever.

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Speaker 1: That not that I'm even thinking that far, but like

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Speaker 1: it should be on the table. I always want to.

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Speaker 1: I want to separate those two now, and I don't

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Speaker 1: think I have in the past. So that's what I've

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Speaker 1: learned from you too. Noah, thanks, I mean you're the

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Speaker 1: one that's really echoed these things that we've heard in

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Speaker 1: the book that have worked for me personally. It's hard

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Speaker 1: to do, though. It's hard to separate those two, yeah,

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Speaker 1: because the one has gotten us so far ahead and

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Speaker 1: gotten us so much in life, being like, I know

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Speaker 1: who I am, and I know what I want the

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Speaker 1: kind of men I like do not that's not like

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Speaker 1: that's not what they and people go So you want

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Speaker 1: to be submissive and you have to like hide away

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Speaker 1: a part of yourself. It's not that I don't want

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Speaker 1: to be that in a relationship. I don't want to

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Speaker 1: boss a man around. I want to be bossed around.

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Speaker 1: It's not even about bossing. But it's not even about

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Speaker 1: the kind of guys that you want. It's just about

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Speaker 1: the energy that you want to bring to a relationship.

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Speaker 1: It's not even about a person, it's it's what you

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Speaker 1: bring to a relationship. All makes sense because I've never

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Speaker 1: been attracted to people who are like I saw you

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Speaker 1: on stage last night and you were just so killer,

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Speaker 1: and I'm just like, I think I know I'm good,

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Speaker 1: but that doesn't make me horny. And I don't even

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Speaker 1: want to hear you say you were so hot on stage,

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Speaker 1: Like it's still like I was in um on stage.

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Speaker 1: I Am not trying to be sexy at all, unless

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Speaker 1: you know, back when I used to have a crush

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Speaker 1: from the comedian, they would be in the room and

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Speaker 1: I knew that I didn't even know about this energy thing,

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Speaker 1: so I would try to like maybe like stand in

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Speaker 1: a hot way. But I was never with my material

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Speaker 1: trying to be like seductive. That's when guys get like

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Speaker 1: horny from me talking about sex on a podcast or

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Speaker 1: something like the other day. It was on Theo's podcast,

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Speaker 1: and we were talking about really horny stuff because I

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Speaker 1: was giving tips on how to like make women have

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Speaker 1: a better time in bed, and I killed it on

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Speaker 1: those tips. By the way, I had so many dems

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Speaker 1: from guys that were like, I just used the thing

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Speaker 1: where I told her not to come and didn't give

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Speaker 1: her permission to come. And he was like, it was

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Speaker 1: so many people writing in that those tips are great,

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Speaker 1: But I could tell that THEO was kind of getting

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Speaker 1: like uncomfortable because it was getting horny. I was, you know,

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Speaker 1: if I would let myself, I could get horny too.

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Speaker 1: And I hate that when I'm trying to be funny

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Speaker 1: and there's horny nous. But I also and I don't

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Speaker 1: mind being funny in bed, but it's a different kind

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Speaker 1: of funny. I rest my case. Let's get Andrew it

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Speaker 1: in here. Hello Andrew? Who what? What? Hello? Andrew? Hello? Hello?

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Speaker 1: Why did you hide upstairs all more? Come again? Yeah?

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Speaker 1: I mean, is that what you were doing up there?

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Speaker 1: Came again? I'm trying to think coming again? Did you

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Speaker 1: just jerk off off there? I swear it was the

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Speaker 1: last night. I bet you anything last night before you went.

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Speaker 1: I bet you were saving up your stock last night

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Speaker 1: I bet until but when I saw you last night, Noah,

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Speaker 1: we all were here last night before Andrew left to

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Speaker 1: go bowling with a bunch of comedians. I bet you

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Speaker 1: what your stock was saved? No, no, no, I just

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Speaker 1: think that it wasn't you. It was just a coincidence.

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Speaker 1: I think that your stock was not It was up

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Speaker 1: because based on your energy last night, just that I

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Speaker 1: felt in the kitchen. Is that correct? When was the

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Speaker 1: last time you jerked off? I'm just I'm just trying

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Speaker 1: to see if I can. I know, I'm just thinking.

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00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:47,000
Speaker 1: I'm thinking it's hard because I only do it like

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Speaker 1: four every four days. I think I last time I

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00:15:50,160 --> 00:15:53,360
Speaker 1: jerked off, I did. My stock is full right now? Okay,

338
00:15:53,400 --> 00:15:55,640
Speaker 1: so it was full last night and it's even fuller

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Speaker 1: this morning. If you really want to know, what are

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Speaker 1: you going to do with it? Oh? It's coming out

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00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:04,080
Speaker 1: of yours in your face. You're looking dewey. It's out

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00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:08,000
Speaker 1: of my armpits. Why why every four days? Bro? Look

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Speaker 1: um for? And how are you sleeping with that? You're

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Speaker 1: getting wetties. I cut a hole in the mattress and

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00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:18,760
Speaker 1: I sleep on my stomach. That would be like really

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00:16:18,840 --> 00:16:21,520
Speaker 1: fun to just sleep with wouldn't you good to sleep

347
00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:23,480
Speaker 1: with your penis inside something? Because sometimes after I hook

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00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:24,960
Speaker 1: up with a guy, I just want to hold his

349
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Speaker 1: penis all night long because little blankets. I mean, I

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00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:30,760
Speaker 1: guess condoms could be that, but little blankets for your penis.

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Speaker 1: I used to just want to like hold it as

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00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:37,440
Speaker 1: I go to sleep like a limp. No, just like

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Speaker 1: just I feel like we're holding hands. But I just like,

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Speaker 1: I love it so much that I just want to

355
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Speaker 1: keep it. But it does that feel weird? And would

356
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Speaker 1: you ever fall asleep inside a woman? And that would

357
00:16:45,240 --> 00:16:48,240
Speaker 1: that feel weird? After you've come? You know, there is

358
00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:51,480
Speaker 1: an insecurity of like having a shriveled penis and having

359
00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:53,760
Speaker 1: a shrivel no, not in a woman, but a shriveled

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00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:56,280
Speaker 1: penis in a woman's hand. Because if you're a grower,

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00:16:57,000 --> 00:17:01,160
Speaker 1: which guys with pathetic dick say, uh, your dick can

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00:17:01,240 --> 00:17:03,200
Speaker 1: get smaller throughout the night and then you have no

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00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:06,480
Speaker 1: blood flow and then your chief loves you and has

364
00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:11,880
Speaker 1: seen your full penis before, like yeah, and my vagina

365
00:17:11,920 --> 00:17:14,960
Speaker 1: can get so inflated from the um what's it called

366
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:17,199
Speaker 1: the wand that if I share that with someone, they

367
00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:20,680
Speaker 1: can share with me my their tiny shriveled penis you

368
00:17:20,760 --> 00:17:24,720
Speaker 1: sound like a witch, the wand the wand I mean

369
00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:27,720
Speaker 1: the things that does. It turns my vagina into a bowl.

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00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:29,639
Speaker 1: For like, it's like the way the witches will be

371
00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:33,040
Speaker 1: like and I shall catch if a thousand years. Like

372
00:17:33,359 --> 00:17:35,800
Speaker 1: it is like that. Last night. I used it and

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Speaker 1: I was like, oh no, we're gonna have some We're

374
00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:40,200
Speaker 1: gonna have a jellyfish on her hands down there today

375
00:17:40,359 --> 00:17:46,399
Speaker 1: And it's not too popped up, but it is like, yeah, Noah,

376
00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:48,440
Speaker 1: coming back into the house knowing that there was well,

377
00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:51,160
Speaker 1: you weren't around, you were still bowling. So I was like, okay,

378
00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:54,040
Speaker 1: so I can I don't feel as gross that there's

379
00:17:54,080 --> 00:17:56,640
Speaker 1: like someone right because in our home in St. Louis,

380
00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:59,320
Speaker 1: we have a long ways like I'm tucked away, so

381
00:17:59,440 --> 00:18:03,080
Speaker 1: I never feel my my pussy ain't talked. We all

382
00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:07,359
Speaker 1: know that running around. No, It's like fantastic. I'm so

383
00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:10,199
Speaker 1: proud of my vagina. I'm like very accepting of my vagina. Now.

384
00:18:10,359 --> 00:18:12,200
Speaker 1: All the things I used to say about it, I

385
00:18:12,320 --> 00:18:14,680
Speaker 1: take back, but I validate them because they do. I

386
00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:17,240
Speaker 1: can let every woman know that you can end up

387
00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:18,960
Speaker 1: liking your vagina if I'm able to like mine even

388
00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:21,000
Speaker 1: though it there's nothing not to like about it. I

389
00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:22,920
Speaker 1: just was insecure about things that were in my head

390
00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:28,240
Speaker 1: and on and hanging out of my yeah vagina, And

391
00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:33,119
Speaker 1: but anyway, um no, it's great. I have like an

392
00:18:33,119 --> 00:18:35,879
Speaker 1: amazing vagina, like I'm I can't wait to share with anyone.

393
00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:38,600
Speaker 1: I have none of that, Like what if he doesn't like?

394
00:18:38,720 --> 00:18:42,440
Speaker 1: Like it's awesome? Um And and that's done not not

395
00:18:42,560 --> 00:18:46,640
Speaker 1: just me being like dove body positivity, like it's legit good.

396
00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:49,159
Speaker 1: I've never had bad reviews. So this whole idea in

397
00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:52,120
Speaker 1: my head that it's something that it isn't their days

398
00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:54,280
Speaker 1: that it's not great. I mean, Ashley Hasseltine and I

399
00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:58,440
Speaker 1: have that same thing of what did she call it? Something?

400
00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:01,160
Speaker 1: It was something like it was she had some word

401
00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:03,119
Speaker 1: for it. But some days of the month, your vagina

402
00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:05,680
Speaker 1: just looks a little different. It just like it is

403
00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:07,960
Speaker 1: just like not as good. But as long as I'm

404
00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:10,960
Speaker 1: shaving frequently and keeping it and getting the dust in

405
00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:15,160
Speaker 1: the toilet paper off, it every so often looks great. However,

406
00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:17,800
Speaker 1: so last night I did I did do it. Last

407
00:19:17,880 --> 00:19:19,520
Speaker 1: night I told No I was going to I was like,

408
00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:26,320
Speaker 1: how long did no last night. I got it done

409
00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:29,680
Speaker 1: in um, probably forty five minutes. But I was having

410
00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:31,560
Speaker 1: fun the whole time because I was watching like all

411
00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:34,200
Speaker 1: these videos and just like having a good time. It's

412
00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:36,800
Speaker 1: I missed my ladies. I was telling Noah that, like

413
00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:38,840
Speaker 1: when I'm in a relationship and hooking up a lot,

414
00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:42,359
Speaker 1: I their nights Like there was recently I was like

415
00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:44,639
Speaker 1: okay with someone and it was like no nights off

416
00:19:44,720 --> 00:19:46,639
Speaker 1: and I was like one night we had like I

417
00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:48,159
Speaker 1: couldn't meet up, and I was sad, But I was

418
00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:50,800
Speaker 1: also like, I gotta go see my ladies in the dungeon.

419
00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:54,800
Speaker 1: Gotta go check on them. I gotta no my ladies,

420
00:19:55,119 --> 00:19:57,760
Speaker 1: my porn, all the girls in the dungeon. I gotta

421
00:19:57,800 --> 00:19:59,920
Speaker 1: go refill their water bowls. They've been down there. It's

422
00:19:59,920 --> 00:20:03,200
Speaker 1: a was like when you know these perverts keep young

423
00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:05,360
Speaker 1: women in their basement, you know the guy in Cleveland,

424
00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:07,840
Speaker 1: and like, what's I recently read a book where a

425
00:20:07,880 --> 00:20:10,160
Speaker 1: girl was stored in a basement by this crazy woman

426
00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:12,480
Speaker 1: and she was terrified that the woman would like get

427
00:20:12,520 --> 00:20:14,120
Speaker 1: hit by a car or something because the only person

428
00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:15,920
Speaker 1: that knew the woman was down there was her, and

429
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:17,960
Speaker 1: so this woman would starve to death if this wooden

430
00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:20,040
Speaker 1: woman didn't come back. So that's how those women look

431
00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:21,119
Speaker 1: at me. I feel like I have to do a

432
00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:22,840
Speaker 1: check in on them, and I go, I'm so sorry

433
00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:24,359
Speaker 1: I left you alone so long. It's like when you

434
00:20:24,480 --> 00:20:26,560
Speaker 1: leave your dog in the crate for too long and

435
00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:28,880
Speaker 1: you like get caught up and you're like, oh, I'm

436
00:20:28,920 --> 00:20:31,640
Speaker 1: so sorry. Usually I only leave you for five hours tops.

437
00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:33,399
Speaker 1: Today was eight, and then I have to pee, and

438
00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:37,239
Speaker 1: then you know, you know, and then instead of at

439
00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:39,840
Speaker 1: squirt anyway, I checked her ladies last night. You cheating

440
00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:44,600
Speaker 1: with a real person, and I felt like I needed

441
00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:46,760
Speaker 1: in a relationship. I think I will want to go

442
00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:49,120
Speaker 1: visit my ladies every now and again, Like I wouldn't

443
00:20:49,119 --> 00:20:51,320
Speaker 1: mind like beat it. I want to hang out with

444
00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:54,240
Speaker 1: my toys and my ladies, and you feel like that's

445
00:20:54,280 --> 00:20:57,239
Speaker 1: not cheating at all. No, And I don't think if

446
00:20:57,280 --> 00:20:58,520
Speaker 1: a guy I wanted to go hang out with his

447
00:20:58,680 --> 00:21:02,119
Speaker 1: ladies in porn and I was like down the hall,

448
00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:04,639
Speaker 1: I'd be a little pissed, but like, I will always

449
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:06,760
Speaker 1: prefer in person. But it was a nice thing to

450
00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:09,879
Speaker 1: be like, oh, I'm glad this restaurant's closed. That I

451
00:21:10,080 --> 00:21:12,760
Speaker 1: is always fine dining. I want to go eat at Applebee's.

452
00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:15,520
Speaker 1: I do like Apple can ask questions when you wand

453
00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:19,240
Speaker 1: it up? Do you do different positions? Oh, I'm just

454
00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:23,640
Speaker 1: on my back the whole time. Minutes. Yeah, I thought

455
00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:26,240
Speaker 1: maybe you would sit on Like I started with outside

456
00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:28,480
Speaker 1: the comforter. I did this all on I think I

457
00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:30,479
Speaker 1: covered it on Sex with Emily this podcast I did.

458
00:21:30,560 --> 00:21:33,159
Speaker 1: But I start with the one outside the comforter, and

459
00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:36,560
Speaker 1: then I go inside the comforter and then I'm like

460
00:21:36,760 --> 00:21:38,960
Speaker 1: and then when I'm ready to like, okay, we're ready

461
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,040
Speaker 1: to come, I like, find the other thing. And I

462
00:21:41,080 --> 00:21:42,960
Speaker 1: turned out last night one of my vibrators was dead,

463
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:44,080
Speaker 1: so I had to go for the other one that

464
00:21:44,119 --> 00:21:49,399
Speaker 1: goes it goes like this, you know, it goes being sorry,

465
00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:52,040
Speaker 1: I think that's what. Yeah, the the hook the um,

466
00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:54,200
Speaker 1: it goes right and it's a little bit bigger. So

467
00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:56,680
Speaker 1: I'm just like a and I got but I was

468
00:21:56,800 --> 00:22:00,040
Speaker 1: really horned up. So uh but it's the funniest. So

469
00:22:00,119 --> 00:22:04,200
Speaker 1: it's inside you doing the spot um not well, I

470
00:22:04,280 --> 00:22:06,520
Speaker 1: don't really know, but it's just like making I can

471
00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:08,639
Speaker 1: hold it in place so that it feels if I

472
00:22:08,880 --> 00:22:11,160
Speaker 1: if I can imagine it, it feels like someone's doing

473
00:22:11,240 --> 00:22:12,680
Speaker 1: it to me and I'm not doing it to myself

474
00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:15,879
Speaker 1: because it's that's like the best thing about it. But um,

475
00:22:16,280 --> 00:22:18,919
Speaker 1: the frequency is so funny. I recorded the sound at

476
00:22:18,960 --> 00:22:21,120
Speaker 1: one point the other night because I wanted you guys

477
00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:23,119
Speaker 1: to hear how funny the sound. I think this is

478
00:22:23,160 --> 00:22:27,680
Speaker 1: how Billie Eilish made her latest album. They always say that.

479
00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:31,760
Speaker 1: They're like, I got this sound from a car hitting

480
00:22:31,840 --> 00:22:34,720
Speaker 1: the brakes while a bird chirked. I think it's this.

481
00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:42,159
Speaker 1: Oh no, that was me trying to play guitar's son.

482
00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:45,680
Speaker 1: Oh my god, it must be this one seconds? Is that?

483
00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:53,639
Speaker 1: How longer did it? No, that's hilarious. I did record

484
00:22:53,680 --> 00:22:55,280
Speaker 1: it the other night and I was like, made sure

485
00:22:55,359 --> 00:22:58,760
Speaker 1: did not make any kind of noise. Oh here it is, okay,

486
00:22:58,880 --> 00:23:04,040
Speaker 1: one more? Dry? No, what the hell? What she doing? Comedy?

487
00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:08,800
Speaker 1: Oh man? And I think these one Oh maybe it's

488
00:23:08,840 --> 00:23:14,040
Speaker 1: this okay, one more. I don't know why seven seconds? Okay, no,

489
00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:16,520
Speaker 1: never mind, that wasn't it either, But I recorded it

490
00:23:16,560 --> 00:23:21,879
Speaker 1: and its right. But it changes frequency, so sometimes you

491
00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:25,080
Speaker 1: hear different things. And I'm not even kidding you one time.

492
00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:27,600
Speaker 1: A lot of times it's been like read more read

493
00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:30,400
Speaker 1: more read more read more like whatever you need to hear,

494
00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:34,160
Speaker 1: this thing will tell you. It's like tarot um. So anyway, yeah,

495
00:23:34,160 --> 00:23:36,080
Speaker 1: I had some fun last night. I definitely, but I

496
00:23:36,080 --> 00:23:40,159
Speaker 1: don't think I actually let myself have one. It was

497
00:23:40,240 --> 00:23:42,240
Speaker 1: just like an extended one throughout the whole time, and

498
00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:47,440
Speaker 1: then I was like, I'm just tired. Um yeah, I'm

499
00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:50,560
Speaker 1: just like I am done. Yeah, I'm just like t

500
00:23:52,240 --> 00:23:54,840
Speaker 1: and uh, I've had this before where I'll be like

501
00:23:55,560 --> 00:23:58,080
Speaker 1: halfway in and I'll just be like, my penis is

502
00:23:58,160 --> 00:24:00,640
Speaker 1: in my hand, like I know, like weird me out

503
00:24:00,680 --> 00:24:04,640
Speaker 1: a little bit. Then I'm because like stroking any other

504
00:24:04,720 --> 00:24:07,960
Speaker 1: part of your body forty it's kind of weird to sell,

505
00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:11,720
Speaker 1: like massage yourself. I don't touch myself with my hand though.

506
00:24:12,600 --> 00:24:16,280
Speaker 1: Oh so you keep it separate. Yeah, so yeah, it's

507
00:24:16,280 --> 00:24:18,760
Speaker 1: like the Stranger where you you know, you sit on

508
00:24:18,840 --> 00:24:21,480
Speaker 1: your hand and you just tuck your friend's dick and

509
00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:26,359
Speaker 1: there's one really it's like where you sit on your

510
00:24:26,400 --> 00:24:29,000
Speaker 1: hand and then you jerk someone else. It's like it's

511
00:24:29,040 --> 00:24:32,480
Speaker 1: like that, it's better I heard one where than the

512
00:24:32,560 --> 00:24:35,679
Speaker 1: one I just sit. I hear one where it's uh,

513
00:24:36,720 --> 00:24:38,480
Speaker 1: I don't know. Actually I was just talking to a

514
00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:40,960
Speaker 1: friend and maybe this wasn't someone there was someone else's joke.

515
00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:43,080
Speaker 1: But like, I was thinking that if you sat on

516
00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:46,560
Speaker 1: your own penis, so you make your penis, no, that's it,

517
00:24:46,880 --> 00:24:48,639
Speaker 1: so you feel like you're jerking off a stranger. That

518
00:24:48,680 --> 00:24:51,119
Speaker 1: was Dan. Men like I do this thing where I

519
00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:54,200
Speaker 1: sit on my penis until it's not so that I

520
00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:58,639
Speaker 1: feel like I'm jerking off a street. Dan Mence is

521
00:24:58,680 --> 00:25:01,280
Speaker 1: one of the fundiest comedians. All you guys got to

522
00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:02,520
Speaker 1: look him up if you have. And he does the

523
00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:06,440
Speaker 1: voice of um, the daughter on Bob's Burger's the girl

524
00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:09,800
Speaker 1: who talks like this, and it's really, um what I

525
00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:12,800
Speaker 1: was gonna say to you, damn it. It's the same

526
00:25:12,840 --> 00:25:14,720
Speaker 1: thing as sometimes I'll do that on stage, or I

527
00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:17,560
Speaker 1: used to. I remember being at the Seller a couple

528
00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:20,960
Speaker 1: times on stage and I go, I'm holding a microphone

529
00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:23,119
Speaker 1: and everyone's looking at me. You have this moment of like,

530
00:25:23,800 --> 00:25:26,160
Speaker 1: what is happening right now? It's almost sometimes when you're

531
00:25:26,280 --> 00:25:28,600
Speaker 1: walking upstairs and you go, I'm on stairs, and then

532
00:25:28,600 --> 00:25:31,160
Speaker 1: you can't do the stairs, and you like, trip, does

533
00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:35,159
Speaker 1: that ever happen to you? Guys? If you think about stairs,

534
00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:36,600
Speaker 1: you can't do it. But if you're just in the

535
00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:38,720
Speaker 1: zone of like I'm like, you don't think about it.

536
00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:43,119
Speaker 1: It's fine. Like if you were walking on a balanced beam,

537
00:25:43,440 --> 00:25:45,280
Speaker 1: if you're if you need to walk a straight line

538
00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:48,439
Speaker 1: that was written on the ground, you wouldn't fall if

539
00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:50,960
Speaker 1: you weren't drunk, right, But if that was suddenly a

540
00:25:51,119 --> 00:25:53,520
Speaker 1: hundred feet in air, you would be like, it's like

541
00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:57,440
Speaker 1: the it's like how you percept perceive it. That's yeah,

542
00:25:57,520 --> 00:25:59,680
Speaker 1: that's so true. And I think you know you do

543
00:25:59,760 --> 00:26:01,480
Speaker 1: stand you don't even know the mikes in your hand.

544
00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:03,359
Speaker 1: I couldn't. I wouldn't even you know, you do stand

545
00:26:03,440 --> 00:26:04,800
Speaker 1: up long enough, you don't know the mike's and you

546
00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:07,320
Speaker 1: you don't know where you're staying. Nothing, you're not thinking

547
00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:09,080
Speaker 1: at all. Yeah. Well, the other night I did the

548
00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:11,919
Speaker 1: MTV Movie and TV Awards Unscripted, which comes out tonight

549
00:26:12,520 --> 00:26:15,359
Speaker 1: that everyone watches it. It's probably like on in several

550
00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:17,680
Speaker 1: hours from when you're hearing this, so make sure to

551
00:26:17,720 --> 00:26:21,320
Speaker 1: watch it on MTV. And I was wearing for the opening.

552
00:26:21,359 --> 00:26:23,200
Speaker 1: I was wearing this white, low cut thing and I

553
00:26:23,320 --> 00:26:25,920
Speaker 1: needed in my stylist are like just have your shoulders

554
00:26:25,960 --> 00:26:28,120
Speaker 1: back like stamp straight and and the guy also gave

555
00:26:28,160 --> 00:26:29,560
Speaker 1: me a microphone, was like, don't hold it at the

556
00:26:29,600 --> 00:26:31,680
Speaker 1: tip and at the bottom, and I go, I'm not

557
00:26:31,800 --> 00:26:33,919
Speaker 1: going to think about either of those things while I'm performing,

558
00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:36,720
Speaker 1: like they are not on my mind, and like you

559
00:26:36,760 --> 00:26:38,720
Speaker 1: can tell me to have good posture, but it is

560
00:26:38,800 --> 00:26:41,760
Speaker 1: a fluke if it happens, I I want to give

561
00:26:41,840 --> 00:26:43,320
Speaker 1: that to you, but to make the stress look as

562
00:26:43,359 --> 00:26:45,600
Speaker 1: amazing as possible. But it ain't gonna happen, because that

563
00:26:45,760 --> 00:26:48,240
Speaker 1: is just I can't think of all those things. But

564
00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:49,720
Speaker 1: there are times. There's one time when I was on

565
00:26:49,840 --> 00:26:52,760
Speaker 1: stage and I thought for the awards, No, this was

566
00:26:52,800 --> 00:26:54,600
Speaker 1: for like on stage, and I was just like, it's

567
00:26:54,960 --> 00:26:57,480
Speaker 1: wild to me that I am holding a microphone and

568
00:26:57,480 --> 00:26:59,480
Speaker 1: there are adult people that are older than me and

569
00:26:59,560 --> 00:27:01,720
Speaker 1: like smaller than me, all in this crowd that paid,

570
00:27:02,160 --> 00:27:03,879
Speaker 1: and they have to be quiet and listen to me,

571
00:27:04,520 --> 00:27:07,920
Speaker 1: who I have no education, Like there's nothing I shouldn't

572
00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:10,280
Speaker 1: be able to talk onto microphone and tell these people things.

573
00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:12,440
Speaker 1: And if they talk, if a doctor stands up and

574
00:27:12,440 --> 00:27:14,959
Speaker 1: it's like I have a cure for cancer, people will

575
00:27:14,960 --> 00:27:16,560
Speaker 1: be like, get the funk out of here. She's talking

576
00:27:16,560 --> 00:27:19,520
Speaker 1: about her pussy and he'll get thrown out a doctor

577
00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:24,080
Speaker 1: because I am out there talking about like jerking off

578
00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:26,520
Speaker 1: in the college or whatever it is. It's like, that

579
00:27:26,760 --> 00:27:29,080
Speaker 1: is so funny to me. Well, it's because you're the

580
00:27:29,200 --> 00:27:33,240
Speaker 1: complete opposite of a doctor. Like no one people aren't well,

581
00:27:33,359 --> 00:27:36,040
Speaker 1: some people are coming. I disagree with that, honestly, Okay,

582
00:27:36,080 --> 00:27:37,920
Speaker 1: I didn't I didn't mean it. I didn't mean it

583
00:27:38,080 --> 00:27:40,120
Speaker 1: like you can't be a doctor. You're not as smart

584
00:27:40,160 --> 00:27:43,800
Speaker 1: as a doctor. I meant like people. It's people don't

585
00:27:43,840 --> 00:27:46,800
Speaker 1: want to so I don't couldn't be a doctor. They

586
00:27:46,800 --> 00:27:50,640
Speaker 1: don't want to think about geting. I'm sorry, I have empathy,

587
00:27:50,680 --> 00:27:52,679
Speaker 1: so I couldn't be a doctor. Oh yeah, well it's

588
00:27:52,720 --> 00:27:54,760
Speaker 1: hard to have empathy as a doctor if your people

589
00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:56,479
Speaker 1: starting all the time. You have to start it off

590
00:27:56,720 --> 00:27:58,680
Speaker 1: from saying if doctors are listening, I know you started

591
00:27:58,680 --> 00:28:00,280
Speaker 1: out with empathy, but now you don't have it because

592
00:28:00,320 --> 00:28:02,640
Speaker 1: you watched too many people die. Yeah, my dad being

593
00:28:02,680 --> 00:28:06,720
Speaker 1: a cancer doctor, he can't he he just like yeah,

594
00:28:06,800 --> 00:28:08,880
Speaker 1: I mean at first, like he would be like he'd

595
00:28:08,920 --> 00:28:11,440
Speaker 1: become friends with his patients, like a breast cancer patient,

596
00:28:11,520 --> 00:28:14,600
Speaker 1: and yeah, I mean they all die. That's why that

597
00:28:14,880 --> 00:28:17,199
Speaker 1: Veterinarians have the highest rate of suicide because they get

598
00:28:17,200 --> 00:28:18,840
Speaker 1: into it because they love animals and then all day

599
00:28:18,840 --> 00:28:21,440
Speaker 1: all they do is to put down animals, and so

600
00:28:21,840 --> 00:28:24,640
Speaker 1: people think it's dentists, but it's actually veterinarians because they're

601
00:28:24,640 --> 00:28:27,960
Speaker 1: the most animal lovers of just people bursting with empathy

602
00:28:28,600 --> 00:28:30,720
Speaker 1: for like creatures, and then they get into it. They're like,

603
00:28:30,760 --> 00:28:32,479
Speaker 1: I love animals and then they just kill them all

604
00:28:32,600 --> 00:28:35,200
Speaker 1: day and deal with like see horrible things of abuse

605
00:28:35,320 --> 00:28:39,480
Speaker 1: and just neglect, and it's just just makes you so depressed.

606
00:28:39,640 --> 00:28:42,360
Speaker 1: So how can you you shut it off? Yeah, but

607
00:28:42,440 --> 00:28:44,440
Speaker 1: then how do you shut it on or shut it on?

608
00:28:44,680 --> 00:28:46,880
Speaker 1: Turn it on with your family. Well that's what I'm

609
00:28:46,920 --> 00:28:49,240
Speaker 1: saying with me when I was talking to you the

610
00:28:49,520 --> 00:28:52,120
Speaker 1: other night. I had someone at that show that I

611
00:28:52,160 --> 00:28:54,040
Speaker 1: didn't want to go on stage four because I wanted

612
00:28:54,080 --> 00:28:57,760
Speaker 1: to be in my girlfriend and like the feminine energy

613
00:28:57,800 --> 00:29:00,320
Speaker 1: of like I'm flirting, I'm a girl, I'm vulne horble,

614
00:29:00,440 --> 00:29:02,840
Speaker 1: come get me. And then I at THEO was like,

615
00:29:02,960 --> 00:29:06,160
Speaker 1: go on stage Nikki whatever, how guy and Gang and

616
00:29:06,240 --> 00:29:08,680
Speaker 1: I'm like I was like do it. It's like it's

617
00:29:08,680 --> 00:29:10,640
Speaker 1: not because I'm scared. I won't kill in front of

618
00:29:10,680 --> 00:29:12,680
Speaker 1: this person. I'm like, I don't give a funk about that.

619
00:29:13,200 --> 00:29:15,760
Speaker 1: I care about coming off like a dude in front

620
00:29:15,800 --> 00:29:17,640
Speaker 1: of this guy I like and and not that sant

621
00:29:17,680 --> 00:29:21,360
Speaker 1: Up is dude. Like that's why I didn't I know

622
00:29:21,480 --> 00:29:23,520
Speaker 1: I'm gonna kill. I don't care if you guys watched me,

623
00:29:23,960 --> 00:29:25,760
Speaker 1: if he weren't there, I didn't wouldn't care if the

624
00:29:25,800 --> 00:29:28,040
Speaker 1: comics watch. It was because I didn't want that guy,

625
00:29:28,520 --> 00:29:30,200
Speaker 1: not because he wouldn't be like, of course that guy

626
00:29:30,280 --> 00:29:31,880
Speaker 1: respects me and it's like, you're amazing. I mean he

627
00:29:32,040 --> 00:29:35,080
Speaker 1: was at the awards the night before, but like the

628
00:29:35,200 --> 00:29:37,880
Speaker 1: next night, like I just didn't want to do stand up.

629
00:29:37,920 --> 00:29:40,400
Speaker 1: I just was like I want to be flirty and

630
00:29:40,480 --> 00:29:42,360
Speaker 1: like if in a stand up vibe, I just have

631
00:29:42,480 --> 00:29:45,320
Speaker 1: to be like I gotta analyze the world and like

632
00:29:45,440 --> 00:29:48,560
Speaker 1: tell it like it is. And it's just yeah, now

633
00:29:48,640 --> 00:29:50,000
Speaker 1: I see why you didn't want But you don't have

634
00:29:50,080 --> 00:29:51,560
Speaker 1: to do that. You don't have to switch it off

635
00:29:51,640 --> 00:29:55,680
Speaker 1: for girls. I've done sets, I've had a girl coming,

636
00:29:55,760 --> 00:29:58,560
Speaker 1: I've and I'm I could be pretty self deprecating where

637
00:29:58,600 --> 00:30:00,160
Speaker 1: I think a girl will be turned off by me.

638
00:30:01,200 --> 00:30:04,040
Speaker 1: Oh like self deprecating on stage. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's

639
00:30:04,160 --> 00:30:07,160
Speaker 1: just like you're almost like more because when male comics

640
00:30:07,200 --> 00:30:09,760
Speaker 1: are feminine energy up there. And that's what that one

641
00:30:09,880 --> 00:30:12,000
Speaker 1: woman told me, because I told this one woman, the

642
00:30:12,120 --> 00:30:13,720
Speaker 1: woman that wrote the book getting too I do that

643
00:30:14,000 --> 00:30:15,680
Speaker 1: is the worst name. And I'm not trying to get

644
00:30:15,720 --> 00:30:17,480
Speaker 1: do I do. I just want to like figure out

645
00:30:17,480 --> 00:30:20,400
Speaker 1: how to maybe have a committed relationship. Freaking out people

646
00:30:20,440 --> 00:30:23,200
Speaker 1: who are listening to this that I might like, um.

647
00:30:24,320 --> 00:30:28,200
Speaker 1: She said that, like because I asked her about UM.

648
00:30:28,240 --> 00:30:29,600
Speaker 1: I was like, I have a crush on the male

649
00:30:29,680 --> 00:30:31,480
Speaker 1: comedian and I know I probably shouldn't date them because

650
00:30:31,520 --> 00:30:33,960
Speaker 1: that's masculine energy and I'm a masculine energy woman. She goes, no,

651
00:30:34,040 --> 00:30:36,240
Speaker 1: they're feminine. That's a man who does stand up is

652
00:30:36,280 --> 00:30:38,160
Speaker 1: feminine energy, and a woman who does stand up is

653
00:30:38,200 --> 00:30:40,720
Speaker 1: masculine energy. I'm like, what, So when you get on

654
00:30:40,800 --> 00:30:43,560
Speaker 1: stage and you're like telling all these vulnerable stories, that

655
00:30:43,800 --> 00:30:47,200
Speaker 1: is very feminine energy for you, and so women who

656
00:30:47,320 --> 00:30:49,680
Speaker 1: might but you want to be a masculine in a relationship,

657
00:30:49,760 --> 00:30:52,680
Speaker 1: I think, I mean someone somewhere in the middle. Probably

658
00:30:53,920 --> 00:30:58,560
Speaker 1: you can't be in the middle. It's too complex. I mean,

659
00:30:58,600 --> 00:31:00,440
Speaker 1: I guess I should just become one of his comedians.

660
00:31:00,600 --> 00:31:03,680
Speaker 1: Is like it speaks truth and then I get sucked

661
00:31:03,720 --> 00:31:07,840
Speaker 1: so much. No, but like, yeah, well this is how

662
00:31:08,000 --> 00:31:14,240
Speaker 1: it is. All right, let's get to the news first.

663
00:31:15,720 --> 00:31:17,280
Speaker 1: I know that's who you're thinking. When you do that

664
00:31:17,320 --> 00:31:20,480
Speaker 1: in person, you weren't doing a good impression of him,

665
00:31:20,560 --> 00:31:26,520
Speaker 1: But like that it was it was a generality. Oh man.

666
00:31:27,120 --> 00:31:29,000
Speaker 1: First of all, I hope you all had a great weekend.

667
00:31:29,320 --> 00:31:31,120
Speaker 1: I'm sure you had all the swells out there and

668
00:31:31,200 --> 00:31:33,600
Speaker 1: you're having a fun time on a Monday. Okay, here

669
00:31:33,640 --> 00:31:36,320
Speaker 1: we go. A car burst into flames when a driver

670
00:31:36,600 --> 00:31:41,400
Speaker 1: used hand sanitizer while smoking. I mean, this is wild.

671
00:31:41,800 --> 00:31:46,800
Speaker 1: Whoa that is is a cop car? Wise the top

672
00:31:46,840 --> 00:31:49,200
Speaker 1: of the car white, in the body of its black.

673
00:31:51,600 --> 00:31:56,800
Speaker 1: Who knows, highly flammable. It contains a large amount of

674
00:31:56,840 --> 00:32:00,520
Speaker 1: alcohol combined with the closed, non ventilated car and a cigarette.

675
00:32:00,560 --> 00:32:02,440
Speaker 1: You can have a recipe for disap How does that

676
00:32:02,520 --> 00:32:05,920
Speaker 1: not happened before? People are always using hand sanitizer and smoking.

677
00:32:06,000 --> 00:32:07,959
Speaker 1: I mean, this is a total fluke. I don't think

678
00:32:08,000 --> 00:32:09,920
Speaker 1: we need to be scared that this could happen to you.

679
00:32:10,640 --> 00:32:12,320
Speaker 1: You don't need to add another thing for people to

680
00:32:12,360 --> 00:32:15,800
Speaker 1: be terrified of. I mean, how did this really happen? Well,

681
00:32:15,880 --> 00:32:21,200
Speaker 1: let's see. Um, let's well, there's video apparently closed non

682
00:32:21,320 --> 00:32:23,640
Speaker 1: ventilated car, a cigarette. You have a recipe for disaster.

683
00:32:23,800 --> 00:32:27,320
Speaker 1: The motorist was immediately transport the hospital. Okay, well that's

684
00:32:27,360 --> 00:32:33,440
Speaker 1: where did this happen? In Maryland? Classic Maryland? I mean,

685
00:32:34,280 --> 00:32:38,680
Speaker 1: are you scared of? I mean, here's another way you

686
00:32:38,720 --> 00:32:42,000
Speaker 1: could die from smoking cigarettes? Added to the list emphysema.

687
00:32:42,480 --> 00:32:44,720
Speaker 1: Your car explodes because you're trying to keep your hands

688
00:32:44,760 --> 00:32:48,160
Speaker 1: clean when you use your phone and pump gas. Can't

689
00:32:48,240 --> 00:32:52,680
Speaker 1: your phone? Like somehow, people, I'm sorry, these whole things

690
00:32:52,720 --> 00:32:54,840
Speaker 1: of like you can't do this. It's like this is

691
00:32:54,960 --> 00:33:00,080
Speaker 1: totally a fluke. People a wives tale because they I

692
00:33:00,200 --> 00:33:02,960
Speaker 1: like to protect their children. They probably made up things

693
00:33:03,040 --> 00:33:04,720
Speaker 1: that were scary, like when my mom told me that

694
00:33:04,760 --> 00:33:06,600
Speaker 1: if you go down to the river you will die

695
00:33:07,520 --> 00:33:09,320
Speaker 1: when we lived on a river when I was a child,

696
00:33:09,680 --> 00:33:11,920
Speaker 1: if you go down there you will die. And I'd

697
00:33:11,960 --> 00:33:13,520
Speaker 1: be like, okay, Mom, I'll never go down there. Then

698
00:33:13,520 --> 00:33:15,440
Speaker 1: my dad would get home from work and be like, Nichols,

699
00:33:15,480 --> 00:33:18,360
Speaker 1: go down the river. I'd be like, and he'd be like,

700
00:33:18,560 --> 00:33:20,560
Speaker 1: why is she so scared of the river. My mom's like,

701
00:33:20,600 --> 00:33:24,720
Speaker 1: I don't know. And that's why sale, I mean, is

702
00:33:24,760 --> 00:33:27,840
Speaker 1: that a good thing to do to You should just

703
00:33:27,880 --> 00:33:29,520
Speaker 1: watch your child and make sure they don't go down

704
00:33:29,520 --> 00:33:32,080
Speaker 1: to the river. And that's why my first word as

705
00:33:32,120 --> 00:33:35,080
Speaker 1: a as a child was dangerous. And I'm not joking you.

706
00:33:35,520 --> 00:33:38,920
Speaker 1: My first multi syllabic word was dangerous. Dangerous, and I

707
00:33:39,000 --> 00:33:41,320
Speaker 1: used to point at things that were dangerous, and I

708
00:33:41,560 --> 00:33:44,719
Speaker 1: was scared of everything and I was terrified. And then

709
00:33:44,760 --> 00:33:47,040
Speaker 1: when my sister was born, my parents didn't have the

710
00:33:47,080 --> 00:33:49,840
Speaker 1: same kind of like fears, so no one was telling

711
00:33:49,880 --> 00:33:51,680
Speaker 1: her things were dangerous, so I had to be the one.

712
00:33:51,880 --> 00:33:56,680
Speaker 1: First word was courageous. Nikki, shut up, Nikki, shut up. Um,

713
00:33:57,080 --> 00:33:59,680
Speaker 1: I got this, Nikky. Yeah, so I was scared of everything.

714
00:33:59,720 --> 00:34:01,720
Speaker 1: But that's old wives sales is, I think, just to

715
00:34:01,800 --> 00:34:04,040
Speaker 1: protect their children because the world is scary, and you

716
00:34:04,560 --> 00:34:07,640
Speaker 1: I do it sometimes. Yeah, I mean, well, you know,

717
00:34:07,720 --> 00:34:10,520
Speaker 1: you could probably tell a kid like the river can

718
00:34:10,560 --> 00:34:15,200
Speaker 1: be such a happy place to like that's the thing, like, yeah,

719
00:34:16,160 --> 00:34:17,879
Speaker 1: you will die if you go down to it. I'm

720
00:34:17,920 --> 00:34:19,799
Speaker 1: not even getting you. I would shriek in horror, where

721
00:34:19,800 --> 00:34:22,880
Speaker 1: my dad would be like get go don't And and

722
00:34:23,000 --> 00:34:25,919
Speaker 1: now I hate camping and outdoors things you wonder, God, damn,

723
00:34:25,960 --> 00:34:28,600
Speaker 1: why my mom just because she wanted My mom would

724
00:34:28,600 --> 00:34:31,359
Speaker 1: watch soap operas instead of watching me. No offense, mom,

725
00:34:31,440 --> 00:34:33,400
Speaker 1: but that's kind of true. She's like, be afraid of

726
00:34:33,480 --> 00:34:37,000
Speaker 1: the river, the woods, a date in the woods, an man,

727
00:34:37,680 --> 00:34:39,680
Speaker 1: that's what she did. She sailed to me that if

728
00:34:39,719 --> 00:34:42,080
Speaker 1: if I was alone with a boy, they would rape me.

729
00:34:42,680 --> 00:34:45,000
Speaker 1: So like all these things I was. That's why I'm

730
00:34:45,000 --> 00:34:46,719
Speaker 1: scared of men. I'm scared of being alone with men.

731
00:34:46,840 --> 00:34:48,680
Speaker 1: It's like, and it's not my mom's fault. She just

732
00:34:48,760 --> 00:34:51,520
Speaker 1: wanted me to be safe and had no other tools

733
00:34:51,640 --> 00:34:53,960
Speaker 1: to to get me to make sure I was safe.

734
00:34:54,640 --> 00:34:57,880
Speaker 1: Back then, they couldn't just give you an iPad. No,

735
00:34:58,320 --> 00:35:01,480
Speaker 1: and you know what I mean, Like now, oh, you

736
00:35:01,560 --> 00:35:04,640
Speaker 1: gotta like a TV that really worked. I mean I

737
00:35:04,719 --> 00:35:07,359
Speaker 1: did watch a lot of TV, but I was scared

738
00:35:07,400 --> 00:35:11,840
Speaker 1: of TV. I was scared of everything. Oh dude, my

739
00:35:11,960 --> 00:35:13,840
Speaker 1: parents tell a story. When I was really young, I

740
00:35:13,880 --> 00:35:16,680
Speaker 1: was watching Sesame Street and this is a common thing. Noah,

741
00:35:16,719 --> 00:35:20,720
Speaker 1: look it up. Snuffle up agus in the mid eighties,

742
00:35:22,120 --> 00:35:25,840
Speaker 1: snuff for you, stephalopagus in the mid eighties was a

743
00:35:26,160 --> 00:35:29,440
Speaker 1: terrifying puppet. And I used to be watching sesame and

744
00:35:29,480 --> 00:35:33,480
Speaker 1: then I would run type in stephalop agus um scary okay,

745
00:35:33,600 --> 00:35:36,320
Speaker 1: because they had to change the design of snuff alopgus

746
00:35:36,360 --> 00:35:38,600
Speaker 1: because so many kids were getting frightened by it. So

747
00:35:38,800 --> 00:35:43,480
Speaker 1: I used to be terrified. Look at this thing. Look, wait,

748
00:35:43,560 --> 00:35:46,560
Speaker 1: that's a that's an exactly this thing. It's just so

749
00:35:47,160 --> 00:35:50,880
Speaker 1: scary and like it's like too big, it's like droopy.

750
00:35:51,480 --> 00:35:53,080
Speaker 1: I think that's what I was scared of. Penises too,

751
00:35:53,280 --> 00:35:57,360
Speaker 1: Like it's all snuffle up because uncircumcised penis. Like I

752
00:35:57,560 --> 00:36:01,040
Speaker 1: used to be terrified. It's too big and it's too

753
00:36:01,360 --> 00:36:03,840
Speaker 1: like its eyes are creepy. So I would run. It

754
00:36:04,280 --> 00:36:07,280
Speaker 1: looks like like track like, it looks like it's dirty.

755
00:36:08,000 --> 00:36:10,080
Speaker 1: You want to call my dad and get the recount

756
00:36:10,160 --> 00:36:11,759
Speaker 1: of like how scared I used to be? Can I

757
00:36:11,800 --> 00:36:14,120
Speaker 1: call him really quick? Of course? What if it was

758
00:36:14,160 --> 00:36:15,719
Speaker 1: the sound of my vibrator that we've been looking for

759
00:36:15,760 --> 00:36:17,360
Speaker 1: all along? And then my dad take somebody goes right,

760
00:36:19,400 --> 00:36:24,480
Speaker 1: Hi Dad, Hey, we're recording. Yeah, you call me babe?

761
00:36:24,760 --> 00:36:27,040
Speaker 1: Was that weird? And my mom's on too? Hi guys,

762
00:36:30,160 --> 00:36:34,040
Speaker 1: Hey baby, hey, baby cakes, daughter. Oh no, that's not

763
00:36:34,680 --> 00:36:42,040
Speaker 1: that's not hey, you old man with nice nipples, Hey,

764
00:36:42,120 --> 00:36:43,759
Speaker 1: speaking of snow gums? Do you guys? I was just

765
00:36:43,800 --> 00:36:46,600
Speaker 1: telling the story on the podcast of being horrified as

766
00:36:46,640 --> 00:36:49,200
Speaker 1: a child of everything, and I want you to um

767
00:36:49,719 --> 00:36:51,960
Speaker 1: tell me what happened one day when I was watching

768
00:36:52,040 --> 00:36:56,000
Speaker 1: Sesame Street and you guys like you you remember, I

769
00:36:56,200 --> 00:36:59,960
Speaker 1: wasn't there, but but you happened. It happened multiple time,

770
00:37:00,560 --> 00:37:02,080
Speaker 1: like your mom would be in the kitchen. You would

771
00:37:02,080 --> 00:37:04,520
Speaker 1: be watching Sesame Street by yourself, and all of a

772
00:37:04,560 --> 00:37:08,960
Speaker 1: sudden you would come running in, completely horrified, completely scared,

773
00:37:09,360 --> 00:37:11,359
Speaker 1: and we couldn't figure out what it was. And your

774
00:37:11,400 --> 00:37:14,799
Speaker 1: mom was like because I couldn't talk yet, right, yeah, yeah,

775
00:37:14,840 --> 00:37:18,040
Speaker 1: you were just just you know, looking perplexed, and I

776
00:37:18,040 --> 00:37:21,680
Speaker 1: would cry totally hear, and then your mom finally, after

777
00:37:21,760 --> 00:37:23,600
Speaker 1: after three or four times, are you doing that? Your

778
00:37:23,640 --> 00:37:26,120
Speaker 1: mom ran in to see what it might have been

779
00:37:26,160 --> 00:37:28,719
Speaker 1: on the television you were watching, and sure enough it

780
00:37:28,760 --> 00:37:32,560
Speaker 1: was snuffled up again. We just pulled up a picture. Dad,

781
00:37:32,600 --> 00:37:35,319
Speaker 1: I've investigated this and I was not the only child.

782
00:37:35,400 --> 00:37:38,520
Speaker 1: They had to re do his whole costume because kids

783
00:37:38,560 --> 00:37:41,200
Speaker 1: were freaked out by him. So if any of my

784
00:37:41,280 --> 00:37:43,480
Speaker 1: bustees out there were also scared of snuffle up, I

785
00:37:43,480 --> 00:37:46,800
Speaker 1: guess in the mid to late eighties, you are not alone.

786
00:37:49,880 --> 00:37:52,719
Speaker 1: I know that stuff like this was creepy. I I

787
00:37:53,800 --> 00:37:56,560
Speaker 1: I commiserated with you holy on that one. Okay, well,

788
00:37:56,560 --> 00:37:57,960
Speaker 1: we gotta get to the next new story. Thank you

789
00:37:58,000 --> 00:38:02,400
Speaker 1: for corroborating my story, all right? By my baby? Do

790
00:38:02,480 --> 00:38:04,399
Speaker 1: you think it's where my come? No? I just thought

791
00:38:04,400 --> 00:38:07,200
Speaker 1: it was funny to make fun. Okay. Now I'm like, God,

792
00:38:07,440 --> 00:38:11,239
Speaker 1: should I look into that? Okay? Next story? Uh, next story.

793
00:38:11,280 --> 00:38:15,399
Speaker 1: Scientists developed a method allowing lab animals to breathe from

794
00:38:15,440 --> 00:38:19,200
Speaker 1: their rectum. I saw a girl breathing from a rectum

795
00:38:19,239 --> 00:38:22,080
Speaker 1: last night on my porn. I mean, I'm not even

796
00:38:22,160 --> 00:38:24,520
Speaker 1: kidding you. That thing was going opening and closing in

797
00:38:24,560 --> 00:38:26,360
Speaker 1: a way that I was like, it looks like a blowhole.

798
00:38:27,800 --> 00:38:31,080
Speaker 1: The sea was angry that day. My friends like an

799
00:38:31,080 --> 00:38:33,080
Speaker 1: old man in a deli trying to send back soup.

800
00:38:33,440 --> 00:38:36,480
Speaker 1: That's a side belt reference, but honestly, it was crazy.

801
00:38:36,640 --> 00:38:38,440
Speaker 1: So you can breathe through your rectum? What animals are

802
00:38:38,480 --> 00:38:41,800
Speaker 1: doing there? You know? I was against animal testing, and

803
00:38:41,880 --> 00:38:45,320
Speaker 1: now I'm into it. If that's if that's the next forefront.

804
00:38:49,400 --> 00:38:51,480
Speaker 1: That's crazy. Yeah, you could give a blow job and

805
00:38:51,560 --> 00:38:55,239
Speaker 1: breathe through your ass, or I can get animal and

806
00:38:55,280 --> 00:38:59,120
Speaker 1: breathe through my mouth. Oh wait, never mind the Japanese

807
00:38:59,160 --> 00:39:02,240
Speaker 1: scientists who begin and research. When his dad got lung cancer,

808
00:39:02,360 --> 00:39:07,840
Speaker 1: pumped oxygen up directums of oxygen deprived mice and pigs,

809
00:39:08,360 --> 00:39:11,320
Speaker 1: a procedure is too painful for humans since the intestine

810
00:39:11,360 --> 00:39:15,359
Speaker 1: had to be scraped. His research showed that intestines could

811
00:39:15,400 --> 00:39:20,280
Speaker 1: absorb oxygen when he squirted oxygen pack liquid into directum.

812
00:39:20,400 --> 00:39:22,600
Speaker 1: And dad, we're doing this thing to animals. That's too

813
00:39:22,760 --> 00:39:25,160
Speaker 1: excruciating for humans, so let's do it to animals. Did

814
00:39:25,200 --> 00:39:26,880
Speaker 1: you guys hear that? That's what? Did you hear that?

815
00:39:27,000 --> 00:39:29,319
Speaker 1: The mice started walking around again? It did work for mice,

816
00:39:29,800 --> 00:39:32,239
Speaker 1: but it starts like that and then they I don't care.

817
00:39:32,360 --> 00:39:35,000
Speaker 1: Then do it to humans if it's if it's so excruciating,

818
00:39:35,200 --> 00:39:37,719
Speaker 1: why don't you do it to yourself? Doctor? That's the thing,

819
00:39:37,800 --> 00:39:40,120
Speaker 1: like we just do things the animals that are were like,

820
00:39:40,200 --> 00:39:41,880
Speaker 1: it's two people for human, let's go to an animal.

821
00:39:41,920 --> 00:39:44,960
Speaker 1: It's like, don't do you think animals have feelings? I

822
00:39:45,080 --> 00:39:47,160
Speaker 1: do think they have feelings. But I mean it's the

823
00:39:47,360 --> 00:39:51,120
Speaker 1: greater good to save women, save people's lives, to save

824
00:39:51,200 --> 00:39:54,040
Speaker 1: your dad's life because a mouse can breathe through his asshole,

825
00:39:54,440 --> 00:39:56,760
Speaker 1: But then you have, like can you imagine being treated

826
00:39:56,840 --> 00:39:59,600
Speaker 1: for that and you are breathing through your rectum for

827
00:39:59,640 --> 00:40:01,239
Speaker 1: the rest of your life? I mean, is it worth?

828
00:40:01,280 --> 00:40:03,239
Speaker 1: It would be pretty cool to smoke cigarettes street there,

829
00:40:03,280 --> 00:40:10,960
Speaker 1: just don't use hand sanitizer. Okay, Well, I'm glad that

830
00:40:11,000 --> 00:40:13,319
Speaker 1: we have another way that that you could breathe if

831
00:40:13,360 --> 00:40:16,880
Speaker 1: someone's like choking you or something, or like, Okay, my mom,

832
00:40:16,920 --> 00:40:20,400
Speaker 1: for example, she can't breathe normally through her mouth. If

833
00:40:20,480 --> 00:40:22,880
Speaker 1: my mom was able to get oxygen through her rectum,

834
00:40:23,920 --> 00:40:27,160
Speaker 1: that'd be so cool. I couldn't wear pants in public,

835
00:40:27,320 --> 00:40:30,759
Speaker 1: that's the problem. You can't get it. Oh my god,

836
00:40:31,080 --> 00:40:36,239
Speaker 1: I I need to get retrained in CPR. What would

837
00:40:36,239 --> 00:40:38,399
Speaker 1: you wear? You'd wear pants cover with a little hole

838
00:40:38,800 --> 00:40:42,080
Speaker 1: with a strong would I bet? I'm sure your mom.

839
00:40:42,280 --> 00:40:44,239
Speaker 1: If this was a thing that could save people that

840
00:40:44,400 --> 00:40:47,560
Speaker 1: have no um lung capacity anymore, I think it would

841
00:40:47,560 --> 00:40:49,960
Speaker 1: probably be like a tube up your ask that's breathing,

842
00:40:50,080 --> 00:40:53,560
Speaker 1: putting accogen in your butt. I feel good, My mom

843
00:40:53,640 --> 00:41:03,000
Speaker 1: like started doing like zoomba again. What is that this

844
00:41:03,160 --> 00:41:07,360
Speaker 1: new procedure. I mean, that would be amazing if this

845
00:41:07,400 --> 00:41:09,440
Speaker 1: could help your mom. But I just the fact that

846
00:41:09,520 --> 00:41:11,399
Speaker 1: that little line of it was too painful for humans,

847
00:41:11,440 --> 00:41:14,200
Speaker 1: so we did it to pigs. It's like, fuck everyone,

848
00:41:14,880 --> 00:41:19,640
Speaker 1: all y'all just treat animals like their robots. It's just disgusting.

849
00:41:19,920 --> 00:41:23,600
Speaker 1: Next story, all right. Olivia Munn said she was obsessed

850
00:41:23,600 --> 00:41:26,839
Speaker 1: with John Mullaney years ago. Well one of these where

851
00:41:26,840 --> 00:41:29,160
Speaker 1: it's like Katie Holmes said she wanted to date Tom

852
00:41:29,200 --> 00:41:32,600
Speaker 1: Cruise in seventeen magazine and then she married him. Uh,

853
00:41:33,080 --> 00:41:35,080
Speaker 1: what's his name? A rod One said in The Red

854
00:41:35,160 --> 00:41:37,480
Speaker 1: Carpet that his dream girl was Jlo cut two. Always

855
00:41:37,480 --> 00:41:40,200
Speaker 1: with Jlo like these things coming true. Nicky Glazer once

856
00:41:40,280 --> 00:41:42,279
Speaker 1: was in love with Dave Matthews. He left his wife

857
00:41:42,320 --> 00:41:46,400
Speaker 1: and his family another together. Yeah, I mean she emailed

858
00:41:46,440 --> 00:41:48,360
Speaker 1: him when he was engaged. He would say, like I

859
00:41:48,400 --> 00:41:51,840
Speaker 1: would like to take them both out, like to dinner,

860
00:41:52,040 --> 00:41:54,120
Speaker 1: Like she wrote to them like she was flirting with

861
00:41:54,239 --> 00:41:56,920
Speaker 1: them kind of. She started as a couple, but she

862
00:41:57,040 --> 00:42:00,040
Speaker 1: was hot to like you could be too hot to

863
00:42:00,120 --> 00:42:02,320
Speaker 1: do that, Like you can't be like how about we

864
00:42:02,400 --> 00:42:04,879
Speaker 1: have a threesome. It's like, I want to have John

865
00:42:04,920 --> 00:42:09,520
Speaker 1: Mullaney's Uh you're John and I'm John's wife. Yeah, and

866
00:42:09,719 --> 00:42:13,080
Speaker 1: you're talking to me about um, hey, so Olivia wants

867
00:42:13,120 --> 00:42:15,799
Speaker 1: to go out with us? Yeah yeah? Wait are you John?

868
00:42:15,880 --> 00:42:19,760
Speaker 1: Or am I John? Um? I can be John. Okay,

869
00:42:19,840 --> 00:42:21,520
Speaker 1: I'll be I'll be I'll be here, I'll be like,

870
00:42:21,760 --> 00:42:24,759
Speaker 1: oh I just got that. I don't know. I mean

871
00:42:24,840 --> 00:42:27,319
Speaker 1: he usually probably off stage he's like, I just got

872
00:42:27,440 --> 00:42:34,560
Speaker 1: this email. Um yeah, let's do it, so um babe, Uh,

873
00:42:35,480 --> 00:42:40,360
Speaker 1: you know, you know I don't want to do this

874
00:42:40,440 --> 00:42:43,680
Speaker 1: from all time, let's just talk about this. When John

875
00:42:43,760 --> 00:42:46,720
Speaker 1: Mullaney got an email or a d M from oliviam

876
00:42:46,760 --> 00:42:48,040
Speaker 1: On being like I'd love to hang out with you

877
00:42:48,160 --> 00:42:50,520
Speaker 1: and your wife, and then he presented it to his wife,

878
00:42:51,480 --> 00:42:53,200
Speaker 1: you know, he was like, God, I can't believe my

879
00:42:53,280 --> 00:42:58,600
Speaker 1: wife has to go like, yes, I'm sorry, I don't

880
00:42:58,680 --> 00:43:00,680
Speaker 1: have John's my friend. Like, you know, we're friendly. So

881
00:43:00,680 --> 00:43:02,520
Speaker 1: I don't want to make any assumptions about this. But

882
00:43:02,719 --> 00:43:06,120
Speaker 1: the last thing you want is for Olivia Munn to

883
00:43:06,320 --> 00:43:09,600
Speaker 1: want to be friends with you and your boyfriend. And honestly,

884
00:43:09,640 --> 00:43:11,480
Speaker 1: I'm friends with people as hot as Olivia mun and

885
00:43:11,480 --> 00:43:13,840
Speaker 1: I would bring my boyfriend around them if there were

886
00:43:13,880 --> 00:43:16,640
Speaker 1: any troubles in my relationship. No, dice, we're not doing that.

887
00:43:16,800 --> 00:43:20,239
Speaker 1: And if Olivia Munn was like just obsessed with the

888
00:43:20,560 --> 00:43:23,600
Speaker 1: art that my boyfriend puts out, I mean, it's just

889
00:43:23,840 --> 00:43:26,080
Speaker 1: it's it's you're asking for trouble. And at that point,

890
00:43:26,120 --> 00:43:30,239
Speaker 1: I'd go just go, you know what, just explore this

891
00:43:30,520 --> 00:43:32,839
Speaker 1: because I know that you are in I'm not even

892
00:43:32,880 --> 00:43:35,479
Speaker 1: getting you. If this happened to me where I knew

893
00:43:36,000 --> 00:43:39,840
Speaker 1: that my boyfriend and we're not, we're on shaky ground already,

894
00:43:39,960 --> 00:43:42,160
Speaker 1: because this would only happen if it was like if

895
00:43:42,160 --> 00:43:44,400
Speaker 1: if guy loves you enough, he can anyone could come

896
00:43:44,440 --> 00:43:46,040
Speaker 1: on to him and he can be like he can

897
00:43:46,120 --> 00:43:49,239
Speaker 1: have integrity enough to go. I would like to, but

898
00:43:49,320 --> 00:43:52,480
Speaker 1: I'm not going to because it's it's risking losing this

899
00:43:52,560 --> 00:43:55,480
Speaker 1: relationship with this girl that doesn't look as good as

900
00:43:55,520 --> 00:43:58,120
Speaker 1: this other one. But you know, but if there's a

901
00:43:58,200 --> 00:44:01,880
Speaker 1: prominent relationship already, boy, this is the cigarette smoke and

902
00:44:01,960 --> 00:44:05,200
Speaker 1: the fucking or the cigarette and the hand sanitizer to

903
00:44:05,320 --> 00:44:09,279
Speaker 1: blow it up, I would go, she likes you, I

904
00:44:09,360 --> 00:44:12,360
Speaker 1: know you're attracted to her, Go go explore it, Go

905
00:44:12,560 --> 00:44:15,160
Speaker 1: explore it, and you let me know if that's worth

906
00:44:15,239 --> 00:44:17,799
Speaker 1: it to you. I because the last thing I would

907
00:44:17,800 --> 00:44:20,200
Speaker 1: do is stop it, because if you stop it, he's

908
00:44:20,280 --> 00:44:22,280
Speaker 1: just gonna And I'm not saying that anyone did anything

909
00:44:22,320 --> 00:44:24,719
Speaker 1: wrong here, and I'm I'm speaking totally hypothetically in a

910
00:44:24,760 --> 00:44:26,360
Speaker 1: situation I've never been in, so I don't know how,

911
00:44:26,800 --> 00:44:30,360
Speaker 1: but I would hope to go. She likes you, I

912
00:44:30,560 --> 00:44:33,200
Speaker 1: know you're attracted to her, because who the funk isn't

913
00:44:34,000 --> 00:44:36,719
Speaker 1: go at it? Go at it and you tell me

914
00:44:37,280 --> 00:44:40,239
Speaker 1: if it's gonna be go and you know it would

915
00:44:40,239 --> 00:44:42,000
Speaker 1: be very painful, but I would have to just like

916
00:44:42,160 --> 00:44:44,280
Speaker 1: let it go. But that being friends with a couple,

917
00:44:45,480 --> 00:44:49,879
Speaker 1: it's well yeah. Also there's like nothing worse than no. Yeah,

918
00:44:50,040 --> 00:44:52,680
Speaker 1: like the idea that you're with that person, knowing Olivia

919
00:44:52,800 --> 00:44:56,640
Speaker 1: munn Is and do you you know what I mean, like, yes,

920
00:44:56,800 --> 00:44:59,560
Speaker 1: experience it rather than hold it over, you know, as

921
00:44:59,600 --> 00:45:02,239
Speaker 1: a girl when a girl isn't your guy. And I'm

922
00:45:02,280 --> 00:45:04,600
Speaker 1: usually very turned on. I mean, I would be fucking

923
00:45:04,840 --> 00:45:07,239
Speaker 1: so horned up if Olivia Man was trying to fun

924
00:45:07,320 --> 00:45:09,439
Speaker 1: my boyfriend and I felt secure with him, I didn't

925
00:45:09,440 --> 00:45:12,359
Speaker 1: feel secure with him. I would just go, well, it's

926
00:45:12,400 --> 00:45:15,280
Speaker 1: probably over. Yeah, it's like David Beckham or like whatever,

927
00:45:15,560 --> 00:45:18,960
Speaker 1: whoever you're like idea crushes. It's like, hey, Nikki, I

928
00:45:19,080 --> 00:45:21,000
Speaker 1: love you. Let me take you and your husband out

929
00:45:21,360 --> 00:45:24,560
Speaker 1: to dinner. He's not wanting to, he's not talking to

930
00:45:24,640 --> 00:45:28,240
Speaker 1: the husband that it makes it innocent and flirty. He's saying,

931
00:45:28,280 --> 00:45:31,080
Speaker 1: I want to fuck you in the kitchen. Well or whatever.

932
00:45:31,320 --> 00:45:34,080
Speaker 1: Had a guy that I was like, very like my

933
00:45:34,239 --> 00:45:37,640
Speaker 1: boyfriend knew was like a dream person of mine kind

934
00:45:37,680 --> 00:45:40,880
Speaker 1: of flirt with me. And I told my boyfriend I

935
00:45:41,680 --> 00:45:43,919
Speaker 1: had a flirty interaction and I know it seems crazy,

936
00:45:44,960 --> 00:45:47,400
Speaker 1: and I go, I bet you, I have a feeling

937
00:45:47,440 --> 00:45:49,080
Speaker 1: he might slide in my d MS. I'm just letting

938
00:45:49,080 --> 00:45:51,480
Speaker 1: you know. But I did that because I wanted to

939
00:45:51,560 --> 00:45:53,160
Speaker 1: bring him in on it and make him a part

940
00:45:53,200 --> 00:45:55,120
Speaker 1: of it, as opposed to lying and being like in

941
00:45:55,400 --> 00:45:57,520
Speaker 1: handling it all my own, the other one where I

942
00:45:57,560 --> 00:45:59,759
Speaker 1: think you've got to keep that to yourself. I I

943
00:46:00,160 --> 00:46:04,000
Speaker 1: just don't think they like a person has He asked

944
00:46:04,040 --> 00:46:05,719
Speaker 1: me to tell him the next thing that happened, and

945
00:46:05,880 --> 00:46:07,600
Speaker 1: he was like, I don't because there were guy to

946
00:46:07,800 --> 00:46:09,080
Speaker 1: florm with me and I would try to handle it

947
00:46:09,120 --> 00:46:11,000
Speaker 1: on my own because I wasn't interested in these guys,

948
00:46:11,080 --> 00:46:13,560
Speaker 1: or maybe a little bit, but maybe they were powerful

949
00:46:13,680 --> 00:46:14,880
Speaker 1: enough that I was like, I don't want to be

950
00:46:15,000 --> 00:46:16,480
Speaker 1: mean to them, so I'll flirt a little bit, but

951
00:46:16,520 --> 00:46:19,080
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna, like ever do anything that would be cheating,

952
00:46:19,200 --> 00:46:22,400
Speaker 1: you know. And my boyfriend found out and he was like,

953
00:46:23,200 --> 00:46:25,319
Speaker 1: we can just bring me in on it. You don't

954
00:46:25,360 --> 00:46:27,120
Speaker 1: have to be mean to them. We can just like

955
00:46:27,280 --> 00:46:29,400
Speaker 1: joke about that they like you and we can handle

956
00:46:29,440 --> 00:46:31,480
Speaker 1: it together and be like what should you right back

957
00:46:31,520 --> 00:46:33,160
Speaker 1: to him and it can be our thing as opposed

958
00:46:33,200 --> 00:46:36,320
Speaker 1: to you and him against keeping me out. And so

959
00:46:36,600 --> 00:46:38,040
Speaker 1: that's why I did the next time, and he was

960
00:46:38,080 --> 00:46:41,000
Speaker 1: annoyed by it, but it wasn't by any means something

961
00:46:41,080 --> 00:46:42,840
Speaker 1: that we thought about. It was way worse when I

962
00:46:42,920 --> 00:46:44,839
Speaker 1: hit it from a way worse. I mean, he never

963
00:46:45,080 --> 00:46:47,560
Speaker 1: he maybe never forgave me for the time that this

964
00:46:47,640 --> 00:46:49,680
Speaker 1: guy slid in and I just the guy was like

965
00:46:49,719 --> 00:46:51,319
Speaker 1: trying to flirt with me, and he was like, send

966
00:46:51,360 --> 00:46:53,200
Speaker 1: me a picture, and so I sent him a picture

967
00:46:53,239 --> 00:46:54,880
Speaker 1: of me after I got hit by a car the

968
00:46:55,000 --> 00:46:57,080
Speaker 1: day before and I was in I had sent it

969
00:46:57,120 --> 00:47:00,400
Speaker 1: to my boyfriend. I was just like, like, I looked disgusting.

970
00:47:00,440 --> 00:47:02,160
Speaker 1: So I sent him the selfie that I had taken.

971
00:47:02,520 --> 00:47:04,560
Speaker 1: My boyfriend found out and he was like, you sent himself,

972
00:47:04,560 --> 00:47:05,640
Speaker 1: and I was like, but it was one where it

973
00:47:05,680 --> 00:47:07,799
Speaker 1: looked disgusting. I was just trying to like give him

974
00:47:07,840 --> 00:47:09,840
Speaker 1: what he wanted without, you know, And he was like,

975
00:47:10,000 --> 00:47:12,040
Speaker 1: I really wish he would have just told me and

976
00:47:12,120 --> 00:47:13,719
Speaker 1: then we could have just sunked around with it and

977
00:47:13,840 --> 00:47:15,640
Speaker 1: been like, I can't believe this guy wants to bang you.

978
00:47:15,719 --> 00:47:17,920
Speaker 1: Let's just like funk with him. But sending the ugly

979
00:47:18,080 --> 00:47:21,279
Speaker 1: version of you is kind of like Olivia Mund be like,

980
00:47:21,400 --> 00:47:23,120
Speaker 1: let me take you both out to dinner. Like you're

981
00:47:23,120 --> 00:47:26,440
Speaker 1: still showing him attention, even if it's not a hot photo,

982
00:47:26,880 --> 00:47:28,640
Speaker 1: You're still like And that was his point. That was

983
00:47:28,719 --> 00:47:30,239
Speaker 1: his point. And I didn't realize that I was just

984
00:47:30,360 --> 00:47:32,440
Speaker 1: trying to do the thing that wouldn't make it that

985
00:47:32,560 --> 00:47:35,520
Speaker 1: if he got if I got caught that because I

986
00:47:35,600 --> 00:47:37,840
Speaker 1: didn't wasn't into this guy, you know, let's get so

987
00:47:37,920 --> 00:47:41,200
Speaker 1: why do I care? Why do I care? Alright, So

988
00:47:41,320 --> 00:47:45,680
Speaker 1: Seth Rogan says the weirdest audition he ever Eminem's eight

989
00:47:45,760 --> 00:47:47,880
Speaker 1: Mile Movies. Wait, can I tell the story because I

990
00:47:47,960 --> 00:47:50,360
Speaker 1: read it last night? Okay. So him and Jason Segal

991
00:47:50,440 --> 00:47:53,800
Speaker 1: went into audition for the same role of a character

992
00:47:54,040 --> 00:48:00,239
Speaker 1: named it was a funny name. It's like, uh, trick

993
00:48:00,320 --> 00:48:02,480
Speaker 1: Track or something like. It's what like, it's like some

994
00:48:03,000 --> 00:48:05,880
Speaker 1: dumb name. And they both went in. But the audition

995
00:48:06,000 --> 00:48:09,160
Speaker 1: required you. It doesn't matter. The audition required you. It

996
00:48:09,160 --> 00:48:12,880
Speaker 1: doesn't matter, Andrew to listen to me. The the audition,

997
00:48:13,160 --> 00:48:14,839
Speaker 1: which usually you go in and you read and there's

998
00:48:14,840 --> 00:48:17,680
Speaker 1: a casting director who reads the other Eminem's lines and

999
00:48:17,760 --> 00:48:20,600
Speaker 1: then you play the trick track line or whatever you

1000
00:48:20,719 --> 00:48:22,680
Speaker 1: do that. But in this audition you had to bring

1001
00:48:22,760 --> 00:48:24,600
Speaker 1: in a friend to read it with you for some reason.

1002
00:48:25,000 --> 00:48:26,520
Speaker 1: So they both brought in each other because they both

1003
00:48:26,560 --> 00:48:29,560
Speaker 1: had an audition. They practiced so hard and they both

1004
00:48:29,600 --> 00:48:32,640
Speaker 1: went into this audition, Jason Segal and Seth Rogan, and

1005
00:48:33,440 --> 00:48:37,480
Speaker 1: they were laughing so hard during the whole audition. They

1006
00:48:37,560 --> 00:48:40,440
Speaker 1: were giggling. They couldn't stop cracking up because they couldn't

1007
00:48:40,440 --> 00:48:42,640
Speaker 1: believe that one of them was playing Eminem and one

1008
00:48:42,680 --> 00:48:44,840
Speaker 1: of them was playing this guy that like this this

1009
00:48:45,080 --> 00:48:47,600
Speaker 1: guy that's like apparently there's like a conversation with a gun,

1010
00:48:47,680 --> 00:48:49,880
Speaker 1: like it's supposed to be this like really highly charged scene,

1011
00:48:50,280 --> 00:48:52,279
Speaker 1: and they're both just like what are we doing this for?

1012
00:48:52,400 --> 00:48:54,400
Speaker 1: And they laughed. They laughed so hard that they had

1013
00:48:54,400 --> 00:48:56,200
Speaker 1: to like stop the audition and leave the room. And

1014
00:48:56,239 --> 00:48:59,120
Speaker 1: it was like, is that basically the story they started

1015
00:48:59,200 --> 00:49:01,680
Speaker 1: laughing at serially and literally couldn't make it through the auditions,

1016
00:49:02,000 --> 00:49:03,759
Speaker 1: But that would be so fun to be able to

1017
00:49:03,840 --> 00:49:06,320
Speaker 1: bring in a friend. You went into audition with me

1018
00:49:06,400 --> 00:49:10,880
Speaker 1: one time. Yeah, I just think rap in general is

1019
00:49:10,960 --> 00:49:13,520
Speaker 1: like the opposite of comedy, you know, like it has

1020
00:49:13,560 --> 00:49:16,520
Speaker 1: to be taken so serious and like like this is

1021
00:49:16,560 --> 00:49:18,840
Speaker 1: a rap movie, even though there were there are jokes

1022
00:49:19,040 --> 00:49:21,360
Speaker 1: inside wrap, but like, oh yeah, rap is I'm not

1023
00:49:21,400 --> 00:49:22,920
Speaker 1: talking about rap. I think this was just a really

1024
00:49:23,000 --> 00:49:24,879
Speaker 1: serious scene where he was no. But I think that's

1025
00:49:24,920 --> 00:49:26,920
Speaker 1: why they were laughing to her because it was a

1026
00:49:27,000 --> 00:49:30,960
Speaker 1: serious like again them trying to be serious about your

1027
00:49:31,040 --> 00:49:34,120
Speaker 1: name trick track or whatever. Yes, yes, it's very hard

1028
00:49:34,200 --> 00:49:37,480
Speaker 1: to like not see the humor and being like little dick,

1029
00:49:37,719 --> 00:49:40,680
Speaker 1: little whatever, little whatever your name is. Like I think

1030
00:49:40,719 --> 00:49:43,040
Speaker 1: I care about this story because it teaches me that,

1031
00:49:43,160 --> 00:49:46,120
Speaker 1: like Jason Segel and Seth Rogan both were like dying

1032
00:49:46,200 --> 00:49:48,480
Speaker 1: to get that role in practice so hard and they

1033
00:49:48,560 --> 00:49:51,720
Speaker 1: didn't get it, And it doesn't matter. There will always

1034
00:49:51,760 --> 00:49:53,440
Speaker 1: be something else. It wasn't meant to be. So when

1035
00:49:53,440 --> 00:49:55,560
Speaker 1: I don't get things, I can still end up a

1036
00:49:55,640 --> 00:49:59,800
Speaker 1: Jason Segel or a Seth Rogan. And honestly, those times

1037
00:50:00,120 --> 00:50:02,080
Speaker 1: them laughing through the audition is a way better story

1038
00:50:02,120 --> 00:50:05,640
Speaker 1: than them appearing an eight mile, Like you think these roles.

1039
00:50:05,800 --> 00:50:08,400
Speaker 1: I don't know who played trick Track and eight Who cares.

1040
00:50:08,760 --> 00:50:11,160
Speaker 1: But the problem is there's a guy that might have

1041
00:50:11,280 --> 00:50:14,000
Speaker 1: laughed that didn't get trick Track and he never got

1042
00:50:14,080 --> 00:50:16,560
Speaker 1: another role like trick Track was like the perfect I

1043
00:50:16,600 --> 00:50:19,479
Speaker 1: wouldn't say that because he didn't get that role. Something

1044
00:50:19,560 --> 00:50:21,920
Speaker 1: else happened in his life that was great. That let like,

1045
00:50:23,200 --> 00:50:25,360
Speaker 1: something terrible happened to a friend of mine recently and

1046
00:50:25,440 --> 00:50:28,279
Speaker 1: forget what. And I was like, oh, Carlo got hit

1047
00:50:28,360 --> 00:50:33,080
Speaker 1: by a fucking Lime scooter on Saturday night so badly

1048
00:50:33,239 --> 00:50:34,759
Speaker 1: that if she would have walked out of them, but

1049
00:50:34,880 --> 00:50:36,080
Speaker 1: she was walking on the improv and there was a

1050
00:50:36,120 --> 00:50:39,280
Speaker 1: Lime scooter coming down the street. This you little piece

1051
00:50:39,320 --> 00:50:42,040
Speaker 1: of ship that I know you're out there somewhere. You're

1052
00:50:42,120 --> 00:50:45,560
Speaker 1: this twentysomething year old, little white, privileged piece of ship

1053
00:50:45,760 --> 00:50:47,840
Speaker 1: kid that was probably drunk on a lime scooter. He

1054
00:50:48,440 --> 00:50:51,759
Speaker 1: was going past on the sidewalk, which is illegal. If

1055
00:50:51,960 --> 00:50:54,960
Speaker 1: Carlo would have walked out point zero four seconds before,

1056
00:50:55,080 --> 00:50:57,040
Speaker 1: she would be dead. And I'm not joking you. He

1057
00:50:57,120 --> 00:51:00,560
Speaker 1: clipped her so hard she fell she uh. I don't

1058
00:51:00,640 --> 00:51:02,200
Speaker 1: even know if she had a concussion. We don't really

1059
00:51:02,280 --> 00:51:05,239
Speaker 1: know yet. It was so scary the kid, I go,

1060
00:51:05,600 --> 00:51:07,200
Speaker 1: can I get your number in case there something wrong

1061
00:51:07,200 --> 00:51:09,280
Speaker 1: with her? He gave me a fake number, this little twat,

1062
00:51:09,840 --> 00:51:14,680
Speaker 1: this little rich kid that obviously I mean, yeah, I go,

1063
00:51:14,920 --> 00:51:17,040
Speaker 1: is this Jack from this line? And it was green?

1064
00:51:17,280 --> 00:51:18,920
Speaker 1: You know, I go, this kid didn't have an android?

1065
00:51:19,480 --> 00:51:21,120
Speaker 1: This was and then he never wrote back, this kid

1066
00:51:21,200 --> 00:51:24,000
Speaker 1: is a liar, gave me a fake number. Um, it

1067
00:51:24,160 --> 00:51:26,600
Speaker 1: just felt that really piss me off. I hope really

1068
00:51:26,640 --> 00:51:30,600
Speaker 1: bad things happened to that kid fell down on the ground.

1069
00:51:30,600 --> 00:51:32,960
Speaker 1: I mean it was brutal, it was I'm not kidding you.

1070
00:51:33,080 --> 00:51:35,040
Speaker 1: She would have died if it was just a second before.

1071
00:51:35,080 --> 00:51:37,200
Speaker 1: And I know we talked about this before, like one

1072
00:51:37,280 --> 00:51:39,000
Speaker 1: second Leader, you would have died but it was like

1073
00:51:39,120 --> 00:51:41,040
Speaker 1: one of those I was like, oh my god, I

1074
00:51:41,080 --> 00:51:42,920
Speaker 1: almost just saw my friend die from a lime scooter.

1075
00:51:43,120 --> 00:51:46,200
Speaker 1: It was so upsetting. But I go, Carlisle, because you

1076
00:51:46,320 --> 00:51:48,920
Speaker 1: got hit, something good's going to happen, Like I know it,

1077
00:51:49,360 --> 00:51:53,600
Speaker 1: this will lead to something great by a bird. Yeah,

1078
00:51:55,480 --> 00:51:58,960
Speaker 1: I mean, yeah, I guess, yeah, I hope. Yeah, it's hopeful.

1079
00:51:59,520 --> 00:52:01,520
Speaker 1: It's just you don't expect to get hit by a

1080
00:52:01,600 --> 00:52:05,799
Speaker 1: fucking Everything that happens is for a reason, is why.

1081
00:52:06,080 --> 00:52:09,279
Speaker 1: I know. That's hard to know because you're like, why

1082
00:52:09,320 --> 00:52:12,400
Speaker 1: are children being raped? And it's like, so that's some

1083
00:52:13,000 --> 00:52:14,880
Speaker 1: It's like I don't know. I don't know, but I

1084
00:52:15,080 --> 00:52:17,800
Speaker 1: try to believe that. Like anything I don't get or

1085
00:52:18,160 --> 00:52:20,960
Speaker 1: something that happens to me, I go, well, because this happened,

1086
00:52:21,040 --> 00:52:23,319
Speaker 1: something's gonna happen that wouldn't have if if everything would

1087
00:52:23,360 --> 00:52:25,400
Speaker 1: have gone the way I wanted it to. Yeah, I

1088
00:52:25,480 --> 00:52:27,520
Speaker 1: mean I think that's why you have to look at

1089
00:52:27,560 --> 00:52:31,359
Speaker 1: it though. Okay, Top one bottom one sports moment. Did

1090
00:52:31,440 --> 00:52:33,640
Speaker 1: you have one last night bowling? Did you bowl? Well? No?

1091
00:52:33,760 --> 00:52:36,000
Speaker 1: I both, like shit, I both straight. My arm hurt,

1092
00:52:36,080 --> 00:52:39,320
Speaker 1: my leg hurts, everything hurts. But whatever, wait, really I

1093
00:52:39,400 --> 00:52:41,880
Speaker 1: usually spin the ball. I've bowled two thirty six before,

1094
00:52:42,440 --> 00:52:45,000
Speaker 1: and I bold literally like one ten and a one

1095
00:52:45,080 --> 00:52:47,960
Speaker 1: fifteen last night. What are you used to? What else

1096
00:52:48,000 --> 00:52:51,000
Speaker 1: did you hurt? No? When I tried to curl the bar,

1097
00:52:51,200 --> 00:52:54,200
Speaker 1: my forearm hurt. Who are you trying to show off for? No,

1098
00:52:54,480 --> 00:52:56,880
Speaker 1: I'm trying to just be good at something. Yeah. And

1099
00:52:57,000 --> 00:52:59,920
Speaker 1: we were very competitive, right, yeah, like and Johnny are

1100
00:53:00,080 --> 00:53:03,080
Speaker 1: insanely We're like hitting each other in between talking and

1101
00:53:03,120 --> 00:53:06,040
Speaker 1: calling each other fat. Yeah, I'm sure, Yeah, I see

1102
00:53:06,080 --> 00:53:07,680
Speaker 1: it happen all the time. But then we go I

1103
00:53:07,800 --> 00:53:10,440
Speaker 1: love you man, Yeah, and you know, I really do

1104
00:53:10,600 --> 00:53:12,320
Speaker 1: love you, And I was like, yeah, to keep what

1105
00:53:12,440 --> 00:53:15,319
Speaker 1: don't you don't do that? It's so fun make fun

1106
00:53:15,400 --> 00:53:18,040
Speaker 1: of my nipples? Yeah, you love that, I do. I

1107
00:53:18,160 --> 00:53:20,480
Speaker 1: love you found around like I almost see you get

1108
00:53:20,560 --> 00:53:22,400
Speaker 1: more nervous around cool guys that you want to be

1109
00:53:22,480 --> 00:53:25,440
Speaker 1: friends with than like hot girls. For sure. It's so funny.

1110
00:53:26,120 --> 00:53:28,399
Speaker 1: For sure, you'd think you were gay sometimes the way

1111
00:53:28,440 --> 00:53:31,480
Speaker 1: you get like like anxiety and like excited to be

1112
00:53:31,560 --> 00:53:34,759
Speaker 1: around cool guys. Yeah. I'm the same way with cool girls,

1113
00:53:35,160 --> 00:53:37,600
Speaker 1: like pretty girls, and like cool girls more than do

1114
00:53:37,800 --> 00:53:41,840
Speaker 1: when you gossip with your girlfriends that's guy's gossip is

1115
00:53:41,960 --> 00:53:44,400
Speaker 1: just roasting each other and beating the ship out of

1116
00:53:44,440 --> 00:53:48,680
Speaker 1: each other, and it's so fun. Okay, bottom sports moment,

1117
00:53:48,920 --> 00:53:52,439
Speaker 1: go Andrew worst worst personally. We're gonna start with Okay, yeah,

1118
00:53:52,440 --> 00:53:56,320
Speaker 1: we started bottom. Okay, my bottom. It was hard to

1119
00:53:56,400 --> 00:53:59,600
Speaker 1: figure out a bottom, not because I'm so great, it's

1120
00:53:59,640 --> 00:54:02,440
Speaker 1: just like I just couldn't think of one moment I

1121
00:54:02,520 --> 00:54:05,560
Speaker 1: was so embarrassing. But one of my bottoms, I think,

1122
00:54:05,719 --> 00:54:07,799
Speaker 1: and I learned a lot from it, is we were

1123
00:54:07,840 --> 00:54:12,200
Speaker 1: in a basketball camp and we got like like some

1124
00:54:12,440 --> 00:54:15,520
Speaker 1: award for essentially being the worst team that gave the

1125
00:54:15,600 --> 00:54:18,120
Speaker 1: most heart. Like it was such like a pathetic award

1126
00:54:18,239 --> 00:54:20,600
Speaker 1: to get. It was like a participation trophy back then.

1127
00:54:21,239 --> 00:54:24,680
Speaker 1: And I remember we got like free like posters and

1128
00:54:24,800 --> 00:54:29,080
Speaker 1: our coach, Mirandy comes and he was such a serious

1129
00:54:29,160 --> 00:54:31,120
Speaker 1: guy and he went to give each one of us

1130
00:54:31,200 --> 00:54:34,040
Speaker 1: the posters and we're all online, and I go, hey, coach,

1131
00:54:34,400 --> 00:54:37,000
Speaker 1: you can just throw mine in the garbage, right like.

1132
00:54:37,480 --> 00:54:40,759
Speaker 1: And I looked around like yeah, because you were acknowledging

1133
00:54:40,800 --> 00:54:42,600
Speaker 1: this is such a piece of ship, which I was,

1134
00:54:42,760 --> 00:54:45,880
Speaker 1: right yeah, And it was funny people did. Everyone was

1135
00:54:45,920 --> 00:54:50,840
Speaker 1: like he lost his fucking mind on me. Yeah, he's like,

1136
00:54:51,000 --> 00:54:55,759
Speaker 1: how how can you be this unappreciative, like this is

1137
00:54:55,840 --> 00:54:59,160
Speaker 1: why we're not playing like whatever, like everything like and

1138
00:54:59,239 --> 00:55:01,720
Speaker 1: he would spit. You remember his coaches I would always

1139
00:55:01,760 --> 00:55:04,759
Speaker 1: have like one like like they'd have like it was

1140
00:55:04,840 --> 00:55:09,320
Speaker 1: like really white space, like they never drink and he

1141
00:55:09,440 --> 00:55:12,400
Speaker 1: had to spit to Stone Mount and just like and

1142
00:55:12,440 --> 00:55:14,480
Speaker 1: then he got arrested for prostitution later on, so I

1143
00:55:14,480 --> 00:55:17,440
Speaker 1: think it was more about him. Wait, he was a prostitute.

1144
00:55:18,560 --> 00:55:21,200
Speaker 1: He had Let's be honest, lots of men could have

1145
00:55:21,239 --> 00:55:25,560
Speaker 1: been arrested for prostitution and just never got caught. And

1146
00:55:25,600 --> 00:55:28,719
Speaker 1: then he died from like Luke Garret disease. Oh ship,

1147
00:55:28,880 --> 00:55:32,520
Speaker 1: that's the worst one. Something like that, something horrible. Not

1148
00:55:32,640 --> 00:55:34,520
Speaker 1: to bring it down. I don't think that was my fault.

1149
00:55:34,560 --> 00:55:38,720
Speaker 1: I feel like lu Garrig, this disease is everyone's bottom

1150
00:55:38,760 --> 00:55:43,880
Speaker 1: sports movement. Um not laughing at it. A LS is

1151
00:55:43,920 --> 00:55:47,600
Speaker 1: like the most is Honestly, I would Huntington's and lou

1152
00:55:47,680 --> 00:55:51,000
Speaker 1: Garrig's is my biggest fear of getting either of those dying.

1153
00:55:51,200 --> 00:55:54,480
Speaker 1: To know to have your brain aware, wow, or just

1154
00:55:54,640 --> 00:55:57,680
Speaker 1: like Alzheimer's that you literally forget how to swallow and

1155
00:55:57,719 --> 00:55:59,960
Speaker 1: then you just die. I think I'd rather choking. I'd

1156
00:56:00,080 --> 00:56:02,400
Speaker 1: rather have my brain going than my body going. But

1157
00:56:02,480 --> 00:56:06,919
Speaker 1: dementia leads to that though, Like your brain regulates your body,

1158
00:56:07,040 --> 00:56:09,080
Speaker 1: so it for you literally forget as well. That's how

1159
00:56:09,120 --> 00:56:14,520
Speaker 1: people die from Alzheimer's. Alzheimer's kills you because your body

1160
00:56:14,719 --> 00:56:17,919
Speaker 1: stops being able to remember how to Like, I think

1161
00:56:18,040 --> 00:56:22,080
Speaker 1: my grandma dementia and she's had sex with a guy

1162
00:56:22,120 --> 00:56:24,799
Speaker 1: that was married in her nursing home. Who who who

1163
00:56:24,880 --> 00:56:29,239
Speaker 1: also had dementia. Yeah, get out of jail free card, honey,

1164
00:56:29,280 --> 00:56:31,520
Speaker 1: I have dementia. I mean that's really like when you

1165
00:56:31,640 --> 00:56:33,880
Speaker 1: get cheated on and the guy can be like, I

1166
00:56:34,080 --> 00:56:37,040
Speaker 1: was drunk, It's like, okay, maybe we can wrap my

1167
00:56:37,120 --> 00:56:38,759
Speaker 1: head around. But when a guy cheats on you and

1168
00:56:38,840 --> 00:56:41,200
Speaker 1: he's like, no, I was sober, you're just like you

1169
00:56:41,400 --> 00:56:45,120
Speaker 1: hate me like that, that's it's so much worse. I

1170
00:56:45,200 --> 00:56:47,160
Speaker 1: know that's an excuse me, like I was drunk, babe.

1171
00:56:47,200 --> 00:56:49,840
Speaker 1: But you gotta hope if you're someone that got cheated on,

1172
00:56:50,000 --> 00:56:52,120
Speaker 1: that the guy was drunk, because otherwise it's just like

1173
00:56:52,719 --> 00:56:55,720
Speaker 1: I can never forgive you. Yeah, otherwise he made plans, babe.

1174
00:56:55,719 --> 00:56:58,640
Speaker 1: I have dementia that was brought on by you know,

1175
00:56:58,960 --> 00:57:02,640
Speaker 1: fourteen me or not ice is Yeah, yeah, because if

1176
00:57:02,680 --> 00:57:04,600
Speaker 1: they were sober, they were like, hey, let's meet here

1177
00:57:04,640 --> 00:57:06,880
Speaker 1: at seven. Yeah. I was working on a joke for

1178
00:57:06,920 --> 00:57:09,560
Speaker 1: a while about it before It's like, yeah, someone cheats

1179
00:57:09,560 --> 00:57:12,799
Speaker 1: on you sober they you need to get out of that. Yes,

1180
00:57:13,080 --> 00:57:17,000
Speaker 1: there's no excuse my ex boyfriend when they're drunk. Yeah,

1181
00:57:18,120 --> 00:57:20,440
Speaker 1: my ex boyfriend Legit used to get so wasted he

1182
00:57:20,480 --> 00:57:22,200
Speaker 1: wants made out. I did this in my special perfect

1183
00:57:22,280 --> 00:57:24,000
Speaker 1: but it's true. He made out with a girl. My

1184
00:57:24,080 --> 00:57:26,320
Speaker 1: friends saw it. I was like it was long distance.

1185
00:57:26,600 --> 00:57:27,880
Speaker 1: They were like he was making out with a girl.

1186
00:57:27,960 --> 00:57:29,720
Speaker 1: The bar I called him was like I heard you

1187
00:57:29,800 --> 00:57:31,840
Speaker 1: made out with that girl that was so gross, Like

1188
00:57:31,920 --> 00:57:33,920
Speaker 1: we've seen every word. And he goes and like she

1189
00:57:34,080 --> 00:57:35,919
Speaker 1: like was blonde into He was like, babe, I thought

1190
00:57:35,960 --> 00:57:39,080
Speaker 1: it was you, And it was true. He really he

1191
00:57:39,200 --> 00:57:42,040
Speaker 1: used to get so drunk that he would hallucinate and

1192
00:57:42,120 --> 00:57:43,920
Speaker 1: I'm not joking. You people go yeah right, and I'm

1193
00:57:43,920 --> 00:57:46,640
Speaker 1: like I know that he did. He thought it was me,

1194
00:57:46,840 --> 00:57:48,920
Speaker 1: like he it was And then I was kind of

1195
00:57:48,960 --> 00:57:53,960
Speaker 1: like he thought it was me, but she I remember

1196
00:57:54,040 --> 00:57:56,640
Speaker 1: this girl like cold sores, and I was like, oh God,

1197
00:57:58,000 --> 00:57:59,840
Speaker 1: I guess I'm gonna get those now because I don't

1198
00:58:00,000 --> 00:58:02,200
Speaker 1: can't respect myself enough to dump this guy. I don't

1199
00:58:02,240 --> 00:58:03,960
Speaker 1: get the cold stars. I got one. I think one time,

1200
00:58:04,000 --> 00:58:09,160
Speaker 1: maybe it was just it. I haven't happened so funny.

1201
00:58:09,680 --> 00:58:14,160
Speaker 1: I thought it was you. Bottom one is when I

1202
00:58:14,640 --> 00:58:17,760
Speaker 1: was I had to play fucking basketball because all my

1203
00:58:17,840 --> 00:58:19,600
Speaker 1: best friends were doing it, and our coach was the

1204
00:58:19,640 --> 00:58:22,439
Speaker 1: principal of our middle school who was my best friend's dad,

1205
00:58:23,320 --> 00:58:25,640
Speaker 1: and I hated being put in the game. I just

1206
00:58:25,680 --> 00:58:27,360
Speaker 1: want to be on the side that I was scared

1207
00:58:27,360 --> 00:58:29,400
Speaker 1: of the ball. I wanted everything not to do with it.

1208
00:58:29,480 --> 00:58:31,120
Speaker 1: I didn't know how to play. I didn't know anything

1209
00:58:31,160 --> 00:58:34,240
Speaker 1: about basketball, and I ended up scoring a basket and

1210
00:58:34,360 --> 00:58:36,120
Speaker 1: it was just a fluke, you know, like I just

1211
00:58:36,400 --> 00:58:41,080
Speaker 1: got lucky. And then the next day at lunch, our

1212
00:58:41,120 --> 00:58:43,720
Speaker 1: principal thought he wanted to like honor me, so he

1213
00:58:43,960 --> 00:58:48,480
Speaker 1: and by the way, Ellie Vuga scored like twenty baskets,

1214
00:58:48,600 --> 00:58:50,680
Speaker 1: and then I scored one. And the next day at

1215
00:58:51,080 --> 00:58:53,880
Speaker 1: at the Gap Terry, he was like Nikki Glazer scored

1216
00:58:53,920 --> 00:58:55,600
Speaker 1: a basket and everyone like had to cheer and It

1217
00:58:55,680 --> 00:58:58,080
Speaker 1: was so embarrassing because I knew that wasn't impressive, and

1218
00:58:58,120 --> 00:59:02,040
Speaker 1: he thought, he was like, it was so embarrassing, What

1219
00:59:02,120 --> 00:59:05,040
Speaker 1: did you do? I just was like, I didn't. It's

1220
00:59:05,080 --> 00:59:07,640
Speaker 1: my biggest fear that anyone thinks I'm impressive when I

1221
00:59:07,760 --> 00:59:10,600
Speaker 1: know what I did wasn't. I hate it. And that

1222
00:59:10,800 --> 00:59:12,680
Speaker 1: was like the start of it. It was so humiliating

1223
00:59:12,720 --> 00:59:14,520
Speaker 1: because I was like, I know better to be like,

1224
00:59:14,880 --> 00:59:18,080
Speaker 1: this is a pity. It's like having luke when your

1225
00:59:18,080 --> 00:59:20,080
Speaker 1: body is falling apart and you're aware of it. You

1226
00:59:20,280 --> 00:59:24,040
Speaker 1: were aware of that. This was Yeah, what about you

1227
00:59:24,360 --> 00:59:27,439
Speaker 1: know a sports moment? Bottom? Alright, So I guess any

1228
00:59:27,480 --> 00:59:30,000
Speaker 1: time I had to play dodgeball in junior high school,

1229
00:59:30,560 --> 00:59:33,000
Speaker 1: the worst game ever? Why do they do it to us?

1230
00:59:33,280 --> 00:59:35,840
Speaker 1: Any type of ball? Any time a ball is being

1231
00:59:35,920 --> 00:59:38,280
Speaker 1: thrown near me, I'm expected to catch it. Any time

1232
00:59:38,320 --> 00:59:44,360
Speaker 1: that Like there, um, I can't have balls. My surgeon

1233
00:59:44,440 --> 00:59:47,360
Speaker 1: told me I can't have balls flying on my face

1234
00:59:47,520 --> 00:59:51,000
Speaker 1: and there goes your social life. Yeah, did you have

1235
00:59:51,160 --> 00:59:53,200
Speaker 1: one moment when you got hit with the dodge? I

1236
00:59:53,280 --> 00:59:57,800
Speaker 1: just remember always dreading in gym class when the teacher,

1237
00:59:57,840 --> 01:00:01,040
Speaker 1: the gym teacher would announce today's dodgeball get into teams.

1238
01:00:01,640 --> 01:00:05,520
Speaker 1: It just addredded gym class every single day, and we

1239
01:00:06,280 --> 01:00:09,160
Speaker 1: do it with our clothes, the clothes that were sweaty

1240
01:00:09,200 --> 01:00:12,880
Speaker 1: the rest of the day. Yeah, we had to change clothes,

1241
01:00:12,960 --> 01:00:15,160
Speaker 1: but which I found to be like, I was like

1242
01:00:15,320 --> 01:00:17,480
Speaker 1: why because I did wasn't going through pubtery yet so

1243
01:00:17,520 --> 01:00:19,240
Speaker 1: I could sweat and it wouldn't be a problem. But

1244
01:00:19,560 --> 01:00:21,200
Speaker 1: I went to private school, so we had to. And

1245
01:00:21,280 --> 01:00:24,320
Speaker 1: then we put the suit back or like the white

1246
01:00:24,640 --> 01:00:29,919
Speaker 1: button down back on your sweaty, disgusting sports moment, Andrew, Okay,

1247
01:00:29,960 --> 01:00:31,760
Speaker 1: my top sports moment, I'll try to tell it quick.

1248
01:00:31,920 --> 01:00:35,080
Speaker 1: I was. I started lacrosse. I was a starter on

1249
01:00:35,160 --> 01:00:38,120
Speaker 1: the team as a sophomore, like very good at lacrosse.

1250
01:00:38,280 --> 01:00:39,920
Speaker 1: And then I started as a junior. And then we

1251
01:00:39,960 --> 01:00:41,760
Speaker 1: got a new coach senior year and we didn't get

1252
01:00:41,800 --> 01:00:44,640
Speaker 1: back into the lacrosse season because I was playing basketball

1253
01:00:45,000 --> 01:00:47,600
Speaker 1: to like four games in, so the new coach didn't

1254
01:00:47,640 --> 01:00:51,360
Speaker 1: know how good I was. But there were like four

1255
01:00:51,400 --> 01:00:52,960
Speaker 1: other guys he didn't know, but he was just like,

1256
01:00:53,040 --> 01:00:55,080
Speaker 1: I'm going to start them right away their seniors. He

1257
01:00:55,120 --> 01:00:57,120
Speaker 1: didn't start me. He had a freshman starting over me.

1258
01:00:58,080 --> 01:01:01,240
Speaker 1: And he fucking like like I was, So I almost

1259
01:01:01,320 --> 01:01:04,200
Speaker 1: quit because I was like, this is my fucking senior year.

1260
01:01:04,800 --> 01:01:07,680
Speaker 1: So like the fourth game in this season, he finally

1261
01:01:07,720 --> 01:01:10,120
Speaker 1: like put me in because the freshman fucking sucked. And

1262
01:01:10,160 --> 01:01:12,600
Speaker 1: he put me in and I scored four goals and

1263
01:01:12,720 --> 01:01:15,560
Speaker 1: had one assists and we won six five and I

1264
01:01:15,680 --> 01:01:18,080
Speaker 1: was like, you fucking idiot, Like so that need did

1265
01:01:18,120 --> 01:01:21,000
Speaker 1: you start starting? You know? Then I didn't play no, yeah, yeah, yeah.

1266
01:01:21,000 --> 01:01:22,480
Speaker 1: Then he started me from the rest of the seat.

1267
01:01:22,480 --> 01:01:24,160
Speaker 1: But it was just like one of those moments where

1268
01:01:24,200 --> 01:01:27,600
Speaker 1: it's like why am I not getting the appreciation I

1269
01:01:27,680 --> 01:01:34,040
Speaker 1: deserved anyways? And it just felt so good. Yeah, yeah,

1270
01:01:34,080 --> 01:01:37,040
Speaker 1: so that was awesome. Um, what about you? Mine was

1271
01:01:37,120 --> 01:01:40,560
Speaker 1: I was playing field docky uh my sophomore years, maybe

1272
01:01:40,600 --> 01:01:44,200
Speaker 1: my freshman year, and our coaches our coach was newly

1273
01:01:44,280 --> 01:01:46,880
Speaker 1: married to this guy Kyle, and they were, you know,

1274
01:01:47,120 --> 01:01:50,200
Speaker 1: gonna about to start a family and I baby said,

1275
01:01:50,400 --> 01:01:52,000
Speaker 1: oh no that yeah, they had a young baby and

1276
01:01:52,000 --> 01:01:54,000
Speaker 1: I think a baby said for their kid, and um,

1277
01:01:55,000 --> 01:01:57,200
Speaker 1: and I was on the team and he would always

1278
01:01:57,200 --> 01:01:59,040
Speaker 1: come to practice and like watch us, and I think

1279
01:01:59,080 --> 01:02:01,120
Speaker 1: he was involved in store too, and I was not

1280
01:02:01,280 --> 01:02:02,960
Speaker 1: good on the team. But I remember he was like

1281
01:02:03,480 --> 01:02:06,760
Speaker 1: he one time after a game was like, um, you know,

1282
01:02:06,840 --> 01:02:09,320
Speaker 1: I think you're just like an incredible person and he

1283
01:02:09,440 --> 01:02:12,080
Speaker 1: was like, I would love or he goes my my

1284
01:02:12,280 --> 01:02:14,520
Speaker 1: dream if I could, I would have my daughter grow

1285
01:02:14,600 --> 01:02:16,440
Speaker 1: up to be just like you. And I was like,

1286
01:02:16,880 --> 01:02:18,480
Speaker 1: I'm not even that good at field hockey and he

1287
01:02:18,600 --> 01:02:21,560
Speaker 1: was like, oh no, not like that, like as a person,

1288
01:02:21,640 --> 01:02:23,920
Speaker 1: like you're the way you talked to Like it was.

1289
01:02:24,320 --> 01:02:27,000
Speaker 1: It was the best feeling ever being told by this

1290
01:02:27,160 --> 01:02:30,320
Speaker 1: guy that like didn't that only knew me from babysitting

1291
01:02:30,360 --> 01:02:32,640
Speaker 1: his kids and like my interactions on the sidelines with

1292
01:02:32,800 --> 01:02:34,320
Speaker 1: like the other girls because he was like kind of

1293
01:02:34,360 --> 01:02:36,080
Speaker 1: almost like an assistant coach us and he was like

1294
01:02:36,600 --> 01:02:38,240
Speaker 1: for him to say he wanted his daughter to grow

1295
01:02:38,320 --> 01:02:40,000
Speaker 1: up to be like me, even though there were so

1296
01:02:40,120 --> 01:02:43,240
Speaker 1: many popular, beautiful girls on our team. And then it

1297
01:02:43,320 --> 01:02:45,280
Speaker 1: was sports moment because I thought he was complimenting my

1298
01:02:45,360 --> 01:02:46,800
Speaker 1: field like he was like, oh god no, and he

1299
01:02:46,880 --> 01:02:48,320
Speaker 1: was like no, just like as a person. So that

1300
01:02:48,400 --> 01:02:50,320
Speaker 1: to me always stands out as like this thing that

1301
01:02:50,440 --> 01:02:56,000
Speaker 1: was associated with sports that scored I know, and I

1302
01:02:56,400 --> 01:02:59,320
Speaker 1: never scored any goals and feel like like I was terrible.

1303
01:02:59,600 --> 01:03:02,880
Speaker 1: I just wanted to hang out. But seems so athletic. Though.

1304
01:03:02,920 --> 01:03:04,400
Speaker 1: It's so weird to me when you tell me you're

1305
01:03:04,440 --> 01:03:07,880
Speaker 1: not great. I know I have amazing leg muscles. I'm

1306
01:03:08,200 --> 01:03:11,680
Speaker 1: like very long, and you look like like a pro

1307
01:03:11,840 --> 01:03:14,560
Speaker 1: soccer player. I cut. The thing is women who win

1308
01:03:14,880 --> 01:03:17,840
Speaker 1: the Boston or like the different marathons are always in

1309
01:03:17,960 --> 01:03:21,640
Speaker 1: their thirties, like the women that do it like it's

1310
01:03:22,000 --> 01:03:24,600
Speaker 1: I'm right now in a position like if I trained,

1311
01:03:24,640 --> 01:03:26,760
Speaker 1: I could probably be a really good long distance runner,

1312
01:03:27,440 --> 01:03:29,960
Speaker 1: but I just don't have it in me to like, actually,

1313
01:03:29,960 --> 01:03:32,440
Speaker 1: I'm not good at sprints. Short sprints with long distances

1314
01:03:32,520 --> 01:03:33,800
Speaker 1: that could be good. And I was a good swimmer,

1315
01:03:33,880 --> 01:03:36,920
Speaker 1: but no, no, no, no, I don't like athletics enough

1316
01:03:37,000 --> 01:03:40,680
Speaker 1: to to actually do it. What was your top one? Okay,

1317
01:03:40,760 --> 01:03:42,880
Speaker 1: my top one was a couple of years ago. I

1318
01:03:42,960 --> 01:03:47,160
Speaker 1: was thirty six. My first competition in nogi, which is

1319
01:03:47,240 --> 01:03:50,000
Speaker 1: just like wrestling essentially, is that the one where they

1320
01:03:50,080 --> 01:03:59,960
Speaker 1: like fun funny? That was what UFC was Indian Burdham.

1321
01:04:03,680 --> 01:04:07,400
Speaker 1: So anyway, so, um, I'm talking to my coach and

1322
01:04:07,480 --> 01:04:10,600
Speaker 1: in his Brazilian accent, he goes, Noah, that arm drag

1323
01:04:10,680 --> 01:04:12,800
Speaker 1: could be a very good thing. And it was that

1324
01:04:12,920 --> 01:04:14,920
Speaker 1: like piece of advice that he gave me that I

1325
01:04:15,440 --> 01:04:18,560
Speaker 1: it's a it's a form of like a takedown, and

1326
01:04:18,640 --> 01:04:20,520
Speaker 1: I was able to take this woman down and that

1327
01:04:20,720 --> 01:04:22,480
Speaker 1: set the tone for the rest of the match where

1328
01:04:22,640 --> 01:04:25,120
Speaker 1: I won by like so many points, and I just

1329
01:04:25,560 --> 01:04:28,360
Speaker 1: I felt very good about being coachable and I felt

1330
01:04:28,400 --> 01:04:33,040
Speaker 1: really good about um just like achieving that thirty six

1331
01:04:33,160 --> 01:04:36,200
Speaker 1: year old woman like wrestling no being able to like

1332
01:04:36,480 --> 01:04:40,600
Speaker 1: synthesize coaching stuff, use it and make your coach proud

1333
01:04:40,640 --> 01:04:42,800
Speaker 1: and proud. He was so proud of me, your coach proud,

1334
01:04:42,920 --> 01:04:46,560
Speaker 1: and like that's that's really just the validation, like the

1335
01:04:46,640 --> 01:04:49,600
Speaker 1: fatherly kind of coach thing. Yeah, it sucks that, like

1336
01:04:50,320 --> 01:04:53,640
Speaker 1: we get to an age where we like sports for

1337
01:04:53,760 --> 01:04:56,800
Speaker 1: a lot of people was like your whole identity, Like

1338
01:04:56,960 --> 01:05:00,200
Speaker 1: you got all your confidence from sports, and then once

1339
01:05:00,240 --> 01:05:03,160
Speaker 1: you graduate high school, it's like you can't when you play,

1340
01:05:03,280 --> 01:05:06,080
Speaker 1: like you play club or you you do it for fun,

1341
01:05:06,360 --> 01:05:09,120
Speaker 1: it's like you can't get appreciation out of it because

1342
01:05:09,920 --> 01:05:13,479
Speaker 1: and that it's really hard. It's hard for people. Final thought,

1343
01:05:13,560 --> 01:05:16,680
Speaker 1: I did uh this show yesterday where I was there

1344
01:05:16,760 --> 01:05:18,840
Speaker 1: was a ballerina. There were ballerinas, and you had to

1345
01:05:18,840 --> 01:05:21,480
Speaker 1: ask some questions to find out, like who's the real ballerina?

1346
01:05:22,320 --> 01:05:25,880
Speaker 1: To tell the truth, it will probably air fall or summer, um.

1347
01:05:26,600 --> 01:05:30,720
Speaker 1: But I my first question was, you're gonna you can't

1348
01:05:30,720 --> 01:05:32,160
Speaker 1: do this forever? What the hell are you gonna do?

1349
01:05:32,280 --> 01:05:34,040
Speaker 1: And they were all like young and it was like,

1350
01:05:34,080 --> 01:05:35,600
Speaker 1: I was like, sorry to start on a bad foot,

1351
01:05:35,640 --> 01:05:37,560
Speaker 1: but you all have bad feet. And no one laughed

1352
01:05:37,560 --> 01:05:39,880
Speaker 1: at that joke. I was just like I was making

1353
01:05:39,880 --> 01:05:43,880
Speaker 1: the funniest fucking jokes yesterday that we're like bombing. I

1354
01:05:43,960 --> 01:05:45,760
Speaker 1: did the can I tell this joke that I tell?

1355
01:05:46,560 --> 01:05:48,800
Speaker 1: So this girl was a butter sculptor. Okay, that was

1356
01:05:48,880 --> 01:05:50,400
Speaker 1: the thing. It was like three people that were claiming

1357
01:05:50,400 --> 01:05:51,920
Speaker 1: to be butter sculptures. You have to figure out which

1358
01:05:51,920 --> 01:05:54,760
Speaker 1: one is telling the truth, right, So I I and

1359
01:05:55,080 --> 01:05:57,400
Speaker 1: you're you asked some questions to actually get the information,

1360
01:05:57,440 --> 01:06:00,200
Speaker 1: and some questions I'm just purely jokes. So I go,

1361
01:06:00,760 --> 01:06:03,760
Speaker 1: there was one girl that was really pretty. She's actually comic.

1362
01:06:03,880 --> 01:06:07,640
Speaker 1: She deemed me because she maybe was the butter There

1363
01:06:07,680 --> 01:06:10,320
Speaker 1: was a girl that was pretty, and I go, I go,

1364
01:06:11,360 --> 01:06:14,800
Speaker 1: you um, when you I go, you're a very attractive woman.

1365
01:06:14,840 --> 01:06:17,240
Speaker 1: When you tell guys what you do for a living,

1366
01:06:17,640 --> 01:06:19,880
Speaker 1: do they ever refer to you as a butter career?

1367
01:06:21,080 --> 01:06:23,160
Speaker 1: And everyone was just like, no one got it. And

1368
01:06:23,240 --> 01:06:24,440
Speaker 1: then later on in the show, I was like, did

1369
01:06:24,480 --> 01:06:27,080
Speaker 1: I say it wrong? Like and everyone goes, okay, well

1370
01:06:27,160 --> 01:06:31,240
Speaker 1: Nikki either like there was something like Nikki, just will

1371
01:06:31,280 --> 01:06:33,880
Speaker 1: you play the game? Like I got admonished for making

1372
01:06:33,920 --> 01:06:35,760
Speaker 1: this joke that no one got and then later on

1373
01:06:35,920 --> 01:06:40,000
Speaker 1: I go, um, made a butter face? Soon made it

1374
01:06:40,000 --> 01:06:41,600
Speaker 1: was because I didn't explain it. Well, someone made a

1375
01:06:41,640 --> 01:06:44,520
Speaker 1: butter face joke, and I go, so what I should

1376
01:06:44,520 --> 01:06:46,280
Speaker 1: have said is you know a lot of girls that

1377
01:06:46,320 --> 01:06:49,960
Speaker 1: are pretty that or that aren't that pretty but have

1378
01:06:50,040 --> 01:06:52,280
Speaker 1: a great body or called a butterface because it's she's

1379
01:06:52,320 --> 01:06:55,000
Speaker 1: hot but her face except her face. But do you

1380
01:06:55,080 --> 01:06:56,920
Speaker 1: when you tell people about your career, do you got

1381
01:06:57,040 --> 01:06:59,160
Speaker 1: you're very pretty? Do you guys call you a butter

1382
01:06:59,280 --> 01:07:01,920
Speaker 1: job because everything about you was hot except your job?

1383
01:07:01,960 --> 01:07:04,320
Speaker 1: And then everyone's like oh, And I was like, oh,

1384
01:07:04,400 --> 01:07:06,720
Speaker 1: I forgot. I'm smarter than everyone, and I have to

1385
01:07:06,840 --> 01:07:09,600
Speaker 1: like kind of sometimes not smarter, but like I can

1386
01:07:09,680 --> 01:07:12,840
Speaker 1: see a joke in a way that there are a

1387
01:07:12,840 --> 01:07:15,640
Speaker 1: lot of times you Andrew, you got to explain its

1388
01:07:15,680 --> 01:07:18,240
Speaker 1: audience because they're not following. And it's not because they're

1389
01:07:18,240 --> 01:07:20,720
Speaker 1: not smart. It's like you're they're not holding their hand

1390
01:07:20,760 --> 01:07:23,600
Speaker 1: through the premise you've gotten there because you went there already,

1391
01:07:23,680 --> 01:07:25,919
Speaker 1: you see what's coming. They don't. You have to really

1392
01:07:25,960 --> 01:07:28,080
Speaker 1: hold their hand. And that was usually I get that.

1393
01:07:28,520 --> 01:07:33,160
Speaker 1: I think butter career butter career. It doesn't butter job.

1394
01:07:33,960 --> 01:07:37,040
Speaker 1: It's just such a better. That's what happens when you're

1395
01:07:37,040 --> 01:07:39,360
Speaker 1: writing on the fly and head when you're also trying

1396
01:07:39,400 --> 01:07:43,280
Speaker 1: to ask here, what how the butter is stored because

1397
01:07:43,280 --> 01:07:45,120
Speaker 1: other people are asking questions like how cold does the

1398
01:07:45,160 --> 01:07:47,560
Speaker 1: better have to be? So she's like seventy two degrees

1399
01:07:47,640 --> 01:07:49,480
Speaker 1: fairness and I'm just like trying to think of this

1400
01:07:49,640 --> 01:07:52,160
Speaker 1: butter joke, and it's like there's no audience, right, There

1401
01:07:52,240 --> 01:07:55,600
Speaker 1: was like a smattering of audience. It's not it's not

1402
01:07:55,760 --> 01:07:58,200
Speaker 1: conducive to a There was this one woman though, that

1403
01:07:58,400 --> 01:08:00,920
Speaker 1: was so creepy looking. She was like this grandmother that

1404
01:08:01,040 --> 01:08:03,800
Speaker 1: was like ice sculpt better and she was just like

1405
01:08:04,320 --> 01:08:07,240
Speaker 1: very happy and just like yes I and she just

1406
01:08:07,280 --> 01:08:09,760
Speaker 1: seemed to me to be such an actress like a woman.

1407
01:08:09,840 --> 01:08:12,800
Speaker 1: I go, you are freaking me out. I go, you

1408
01:08:12,960 --> 01:08:15,640
Speaker 1: seem like a grandmother in a horror movie where like

1409
01:08:15,720 --> 01:08:18,639
Speaker 1: eventually you eat the children. And everyone was like, that's

1410
01:08:18,680 --> 01:08:20,240
Speaker 1: a weird thing to say that. I'm like, does she not?

1411
01:08:20,560 --> 01:08:23,120
Speaker 1: And then by the end of it, Anthony Anderson, the host, goes, NICKI,

1412
01:08:23,160 --> 01:08:25,160
Speaker 1: I know exactly what you're talking about. Now, holy sh it.

1413
01:08:25,200 --> 01:08:26,920
Speaker 1: And I go and then I made a reference someone

1414
01:08:26,960 --> 01:08:28,400
Speaker 1: wrote to me that was in the audience, and they go,

1415
01:08:28,479 --> 01:08:29,840
Speaker 1: I know, no one laughed at that, but the fact

1416
01:08:29,920 --> 01:08:33,160
Speaker 1: that you reference, uh, Sound Gardens black Hole Son, I go,

1417
01:08:33,280 --> 01:08:35,240
Speaker 1: you look like you could be in the Sound Garden

1418
01:08:35,680 --> 01:08:38,040
Speaker 1: video black Hole Sun, where it's like black Hole Son.

1419
01:08:38,120 --> 01:08:41,320
Speaker 1: It's like own't chick come and it's like beautiful women

1420
01:08:41,360 --> 01:08:44,200
Speaker 1: that are like melting yeah, holding like iced tea and

1421
01:08:44,280 --> 01:08:47,400
Speaker 1: they're just like too smiley and they're like yeah, where

1422
01:08:47,400 --> 01:08:49,840
Speaker 1: it's like a horror movie. And it was so valid

1423
01:08:49,920 --> 01:08:51,200
Speaker 1: and me to get that DM because I was like,

1424
01:08:51,400 --> 01:08:53,439
Speaker 1: everyone goes, no one knows what you're talking about, NICKI,

1425
01:08:53,479 --> 01:08:57,240
Speaker 1: black Hole Son. I'm like black Holes Sun, black Hole Son,

1426
01:08:57,680 --> 01:09:01,680
Speaker 1: and everyone like, no one knows. I was like, we said, oh,

1427
01:09:01,760 --> 01:09:03,479
Speaker 1: I just was like selling it because at that point

1428
01:09:03,560 --> 01:09:05,680
Speaker 1: I had bombed so much with these jokes that were

1429
01:09:05,760 --> 01:09:08,840
Speaker 1: over people's heads that I was like, I don't they'll

1430
01:09:08,960 --> 01:09:11,320
Speaker 1: edit it out. What's interesting, Like, as a comedian, you're like, well,

1431
01:09:11,400 --> 01:09:14,000
Speaker 1: I need a live audience to know that I'm being funny.

1432
01:09:14,400 --> 01:09:17,320
Speaker 1: But in this instance, it's great knowing that people are

1433
01:09:17,320 --> 01:09:18,840
Speaker 1: going to see it at home and you are going

1434
01:09:18,880 --> 01:09:21,799
Speaker 1: to hit it on the MTV Movie and TV Awards.

1435
01:09:21,920 --> 01:09:23,840
Speaker 1: I did a lot of things that in the room

1436
01:09:24,200 --> 01:09:26,400
Speaker 1: of a bunch of reality stars, it's not they're not

1437
01:09:26,479 --> 01:09:28,360
Speaker 1: going to get the jokes because they're all worried about

1438
01:09:28,400 --> 01:09:29,800
Speaker 1: how they look like on cameras, so they're not even

1439
01:09:29,840 --> 01:09:34,040
Speaker 1: listening to me. So I didn't care about killing it. Bro, Dude,

1440
01:09:34,360 --> 01:09:36,240
Speaker 1: it did kill a lot of your jokes did hit

1441
01:09:36,439 --> 01:09:39,120
Speaker 1: very hard. But the fact that you know, people were

1442
01:09:39,200 --> 01:09:42,760
Speaker 1: getting up there were like empty tables after and there

1443
01:09:42,880 --> 01:09:45,560
Speaker 1: was no real audience except and you just, I don't know,

1444
01:09:45,640 --> 01:09:48,519
Speaker 1: you just fucking owned it and I'm so impressed. I

1445
01:09:48,680 --> 01:09:51,240
Speaker 1: was like, me and Blair were talking about it, We're like, God,

1446
01:09:51,360 --> 01:09:54,040
Speaker 1: she's incredible. Why you said that after the show? And

1447
01:09:54,080 --> 01:09:55,640
Speaker 1: I was like, I let it in because you were

1448
01:09:55,720 --> 01:09:58,240
Speaker 1: like I felt like there was some I was saying,

1449
01:09:58,280 --> 01:10:02,040
Speaker 1: like to Noah, like I saw the way like some

1450
01:10:02,160 --> 01:10:04,280
Speaker 1: people reacted to me afterwards, like my friends that like

1451
01:10:04,320 --> 01:10:05,840
Speaker 1: have seen me on stage a million times and they

1452
01:10:05,880 --> 01:10:07,960
Speaker 1: were just kind of like what just like that was

1453
01:10:08,080 --> 01:10:10,640
Speaker 1: like really different, like a meal has never seen me

1454
01:10:10,720 --> 01:10:14,639
Speaker 1: in like, uh, I'm on TV like doing Red Carpet

1455
01:10:14,680 --> 01:10:16,400
Speaker 1: and I think after I got down with the Red Carpet,

1456
01:10:16,439 --> 01:10:18,879
Speaker 1: he was like, what did I just watch? That was incredible?

1457
01:10:18,920 --> 01:10:21,240
Speaker 1: And I'm like what, I don't know what what? Well,

1458
01:10:21,320 --> 01:10:22,840
Speaker 1: I guess it's like when I saw you do to

1459
01:10:22,960 --> 01:10:25,760
Speaker 1: roast too, I mean, you're larger than life when no

1460
01:10:26,320 --> 01:10:33,640
Speaker 1: not trying to do I was an al no, but

1461
01:10:33,840 --> 01:10:38,040
Speaker 1: you are like you you have you have an it factor.

1462
01:10:38,160 --> 01:10:41,559
Speaker 1: It sounds cheesy, but like you know, it's just uh,

1463
01:10:41,760 --> 01:10:44,640
Speaker 1: I don't know, it's it's it's interesting to see. I

1464
01:10:44,680 --> 01:10:48,759
Speaker 1: mean it's not you have a rare ability to zone

1465
01:10:48,840 --> 01:10:52,559
Speaker 1: in and lock in when there's a lot of their

1466
01:10:52,600 --> 01:10:55,040
Speaker 1: ship going around you and I don't know what it is,

1467
01:10:55,240 --> 01:10:57,760
Speaker 1: but you know, and it's not like, oh, you did

1468
01:10:58,200 --> 01:11:00,679
Speaker 1: good for a bad room. It was like a pity

1469
01:11:00,800 --> 01:11:03,000
Speaker 1: like thing like that either. If that's how you were

1470
01:11:03,040 --> 01:11:05,160
Speaker 1: maybe you know, I took it as like wow, like

1471
01:11:05,320 --> 01:11:07,400
Speaker 1: my friends who have seen me do as a million times,

1472
01:11:07,479 --> 01:11:09,800
Speaker 1: Like you're complimented me afterwards of like you're just such

1473
01:11:09,840 --> 01:11:11,800
Speaker 1: a like I can't even believe that was Like it

1474
01:11:11,880 --> 01:11:13,280
Speaker 1: meant a lot to me because I was like, oh,

1475
01:11:13,360 --> 01:11:16,120
Speaker 1: I just it was the coach impressing your coach and

1476
01:11:16,200 --> 01:11:18,720
Speaker 1: being like damn, like I see you do that all

1477
01:11:18,720 --> 01:11:21,080
Speaker 1: the time, Like you just did something that I knew

1478
01:11:21,080 --> 01:11:22,439
Speaker 1: you were going to do. Great, but like that was

1479
01:11:22,680 --> 01:11:30,880
Speaker 1: really made shots that night. Yes, Ega finally stuck it. No,

1480
01:11:31,080 --> 01:11:34,760
Speaker 1: Ellie was like the most impressive. Yeah, like I and

1481
01:11:34,800 --> 01:11:36,519
Speaker 1: I think when ray got the popcorn, He's like, you

1482
01:11:36,600 --> 01:11:38,320
Speaker 1: just put it in the garbage. Oh my god. Ray

1483
01:11:38,400 --> 01:11:40,800
Speaker 1: J wasn't the audience. There was so many We gotta

1484
01:11:40,840 --> 01:11:43,120
Speaker 1: talk about the MTV Movie TV Awards and scripted tomorrow

1485
01:11:43,200 --> 01:11:44,800
Speaker 1: on the show. We're gonna get into it because you're

1486
01:11:44,800 --> 01:11:46,920
Speaker 1: gonna watch it tonight everyone listening at home. I do

1487
01:11:47,120 --> 01:11:49,680
Speaker 1: drop a cut and you know I do fashion. I

1488
01:11:49,880 --> 01:11:51,680
Speaker 1: really hope they put that fashion egg in. And I

1489
01:11:51,760 --> 01:11:53,800
Speaker 1: didn't want to do it, but I had promised you guys,

1490
01:11:53,880 --> 01:11:55,519
Speaker 1: and so it was only for you and I knew

1491
01:11:55,560 --> 01:11:57,560
Speaker 1: it was only going to confuse the live audience, so

1492
01:11:57,680 --> 01:12:01,559
Speaker 1: it was only detrimental to my sent to aden Ka.

1493
01:12:02,040 --> 01:12:03,640
Speaker 1: But it was just for the best teas. That's how

1494
01:12:03,680 --> 01:12:05,200
Speaker 1: much I love you. So I hope you watch it tonight,

1495
01:12:05,439 --> 01:12:07,800
Speaker 1: MTV Movie and TV Awards, tweet about it, put it

1496
01:12:07,880 --> 01:12:09,600
Speaker 1: on your stories. It would really mean a lot to me.

1497
01:12:09,760 --> 01:12:11,920
Speaker 1: I'll share them and I love you guys, and thank

1498
01:12:11,960 --> 01:12:13,760
Speaker 1: you for listening to the Today's Show. And we're here

1499
01:12:13,800 --> 01:12:17,200
Speaker 1: all week. But know it, it's the best. It's the

1500
01:12:17,240 --> 01:12:18,439
Speaker 1: best job in the world. K