WEBVTT - I’ve Made a Decision on IVF 0:00:03.400 --> 0:00:07.400 I think IVF is a great thing, Thank goodness for science. 0:00:07.720 --> 0:00:10.080 I just feel that it's not right for me right now. 0:00:10.240 --> 0:00:11.920 I just don't know if I want to put my 0:00:12.039 --> 0:00:14.840 body through that. And people might think, Okay, is it 0:00:14.840 --> 0:00:16.680 because you don't want to ruin your body. I'm not 0:00:16.720 --> 0:00:18.639 gonna lie. That's part of it. But then again, I 0:00:18.640 --> 0:00:20.880 could just have a surrogate. You know. It's more of 0:00:20.920 --> 0:00:24.279 the responsibility of having a child. If God wants to 0:00:24.320 --> 0:00:26.880 put a child in my womb and I'm forty five, 0:00:27.480 --> 0:00:29.800 that is his will, and I will raise it a 0:00:29.840 --> 0:00:39.240 wonderful child. I know I'll be a wonderful mother. What up, guys, 0:00:39.320 --> 0:00:42.440 Welcome to your favorite podcast, Cheeky's and Chill. I'm your 0:00:42.479 --> 0:00:44.599 host Cheeky's and I am so happy to be here. 0:00:44.640 --> 0:00:47.240 And I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday 0:00:47.240 --> 0:00:49.199 with your friends and family. I had the best time 0:00:49.280 --> 0:00:52.360 with my family and I ate some really delicious food. AnyWho, 0:00:52.520 --> 0:00:55.320 Today's episode is going to be a very personal one. 0:00:55.560 --> 0:00:58.040 About a year ago, I recorded an episode on my 0:00:58.120 --> 0:01:01.800 experience with IVF. I decided not to go through with it. 0:01:02.000 --> 0:01:04.520 I gave myself until October of this year to figure 0:01:04.520 --> 0:01:07.320 out if IVF is right for me, and so that's 0:01:07.360 --> 0:01:09.560 what I'm going to talk about today. I hope you 0:01:09.640 --> 0:01:12.479 all listen to this episode with open ears and open hearts, 0:01:12.480 --> 0:01:14.760 because I'm going to get very vulnerable with you guys. 0:01:15.120 --> 0:01:24.240 This is Cheeky's and chill. Okay, let me take a 0:01:24.240 --> 0:01:28.840 deep breath. So, motherhood, I think it's a beautiful thing. 0:01:28.920 --> 0:01:31.520 I think it's a blessing. I think children are a blessing. 0:01:32.640 --> 0:01:35.560 And I have been with Emilio for two and a 0:01:35.600 --> 0:01:39.520 half years. He's younger than I am, he has no children, 0:01:40.080 --> 0:01:43.479 and before I met him, I was pretty sure that 0:01:43.920 --> 0:01:47.319 I was okay with not having any kids. And I've 0:01:47.319 --> 0:01:50.400 told you guys a story before on the pod that 0:01:50.760 --> 0:01:53.360 the day I met him, I had removed my IUD. 0:01:53.640 --> 0:01:55.680 That's how I was, you know, taking care of myself. 0:01:55.680 --> 0:01:58.240 That was my form of birth control, the one that 0:01:58.280 --> 0:02:00.800 has no hormones, the copper one, right, So that's what 0:02:00.840 --> 0:02:03.120 I was using, and the day I met him, or 0:02:03.120 --> 0:02:05.080 the day that we started talking, I had removed it. 0:02:05.280 --> 0:02:07.920 And well, we've been doing our thing and I haven't 0:02:07.920 --> 0:02:11.959 gotten pregnant, and I really feel that that is God's 0:02:11.960 --> 0:02:16.720 plan if it hasn't happened. Naturally, it's because God wants 0:02:16.760 --> 0:02:18.560 to wait, or he has a different plan for me. 0:02:18.680 --> 0:02:21.600 I don't know. The only reason I even thought about 0:02:22.160 --> 0:02:25.200 having children you guys are going through with IVF was 0:02:25.320 --> 0:02:29.000 because Emilia's younger, and I don't want to take that 0:02:29.120 --> 0:02:32.640 from him either. And it's a very heavy topic for 0:02:32.720 --> 0:02:36.639 me because I've had a lot of issues with my ovaries. 0:02:36.760 --> 0:02:41.040 I've had cysts, i have endometriosis. Now this whole situation 0:02:41.200 --> 0:02:43.920 with you know, polyps in the lightning of my uterus, 0:02:44.280 --> 0:02:47.480 and there are times that I feel like, oh my gosh, 0:02:47.480 --> 0:02:49.720 my body is giving up on me. And it's not 0:02:49.760 --> 0:02:52.639 a sexy conversation. It's not a conversation that a lot 0:02:52.680 --> 0:02:55.280 of women want to talk about. But I feel that 0:02:55.320 --> 0:02:58.440 God has given me this position, and thank goodness a 0:02:58.560 --> 0:03:02.280 podcast and listeners like you guys where I can share 0:03:02.320 --> 0:03:04.240 these things because I know I'm not the only one 0:03:04.280 --> 0:03:07.640 out there. And yes, I know, and I'm aware that 0:03:07.720 --> 0:03:11.240 talking about these things kind of age me. But then again, 0:03:11.280 --> 0:03:14.160 there are women in their twenties that also have these, 0:03:15.000 --> 0:03:18.560 you know, endometriosis or things going on with their bodies, 0:03:19.400 --> 0:03:22.320 and I think it's important to talk about it because 0:03:22.520 --> 0:03:27.120 it is something that is very personal and I feel 0:03:27.120 --> 0:03:29.080 like being vulnerable there's a lot of power in that. 0:03:29.280 --> 0:03:31.799 So I just want to tell you guys my story. Okay, 0:03:31.840 --> 0:03:35.480 So anyways, now we're here. Now, October came around. I 0:03:35.560 --> 0:03:37.400 kept my word. I said, Okay, I'm gonna see if 0:03:37.400 --> 0:03:41.560 it happens naturally, because when I first started IVF last 0:03:41.600 --> 0:03:46.120 October of twenty twenty two, I wasn't ready mentally, physically. 0:03:46.160 --> 0:03:47.800 And I explained it to you guys in that episode. 0:03:47.840 --> 0:03:49.440 So if you haven't heard it, if you haven't listened 0:03:49.480 --> 0:03:51.840 to that episode, go back to that one where I 0:03:51.880 --> 0:03:54.320 talk about my experience and why I decided to hold off. 0:03:54.520 --> 0:03:57.360 And I told myself, Okay, I'm gonna give myself into 0:03:57.400 --> 0:04:00.440 October of twenty twenty three and see if I get 0:04:00.440 --> 0:04:03.560 pregnant naturally, and that's going to be God's will. And 0:04:03.640 --> 0:04:06.480 so I went to the doctor and they told me 0:04:06.520 --> 0:04:09.960 that I had another CIS, but not to worry about it. 0:04:10.000 --> 0:04:11.840 So I was like, okay, it's not bothering me. You know, 0:04:11.880 --> 0:04:13.440 we're going to leave it alone. And then she said, 0:04:13.600 --> 0:04:16.080 but the reason why you're spotting is because you have 0:04:16.160 --> 0:04:18.560 poly ups. I'm like, what the hell are those? I'm like, 0:04:18.680 --> 0:04:22.320 now what, and she said, well, you know, it's pretty 0:04:22.360 --> 0:04:25.320 normal and women that have endometriosis and they're like these 0:04:25.360 --> 0:04:28.799 little kind of like blood cloths like just I guess 0:04:28.839 --> 0:04:32.520 it's weird, but like little Bolita's like little balls of 0:04:33.160 --> 0:04:37.440 I guess tissue, you know, filled with blood. And that's 0:04:37.440 --> 0:04:39.360 why I was spotting and I was cramping and I 0:04:39.480 --> 0:04:43.440 rarely cramped, so I was like, oh my goodness. So AnyWho, 0:04:43.680 --> 0:04:46.160 she says, we have to remove those because if you 0:04:46.160 --> 0:04:48.240 want to start IVF, you're only going to feed this 0:04:48.279 --> 0:04:50.600 stuff with other hormones that they're going to give you. 0:04:50.680 --> 0:04:52.880 So I don't recommend it. This is what my obg 0:04:53.120 --> 0:04:55.200 y N said. So she told me, you know, I 0:04:55.200 --> 0:04:57.520 think you should wait and then maybe once you remove them. 0:04:57.880 --> 0:04:59.920 I find that a lot of women get pregnant naturally. 0:05:00.640 --> 0:05:02.880 So That's where I'm at right now, which brings me 0:05:03.200 --> 0:05:07.120 back to the IVF. Guys. I've been thinking about it, 0:05:07.440 --> 0:05:09.599 and I just don't know if I want to put 0:05:09.640 --> 0:05:13.320 my body through that. I respect everyone's decision. I think 0:05:13.360 --> 0:05:16.960 IVF is a great thing. I think that Thank goodness 0:05:16.960 --> 0:05:20.840 for science and you know that we're able to do this. 0:05:21.120 --> 0:05:23.760 You know, I just feel that it's not right for 0:05:23.839 --> 0:05:27.120 me right now. I don't want to force it. I 0:05:27.279 --> 0:05:30.200 feel that for me personally, I feel like i'd be 0:05:30.279 --> 0:05:32.360 forcing it. I feel like, Okay, if I haven't gotten 0:05:32.360 --> 0:05:36.080 pregnant naturally in these two and a half years, then 0:05:37.040 --> 0:05:39.800 that's God's will and that's how I really feel. And 0:05:39.839 --> 0:05:42.840 if it happens, then it'll be a blessing. But the 0:05:42.839 --> 0:05:46.159 more time that passes by and the older that I get, 0:05:47.320 --> 0:05:51.039 I'm really enjoying my life. And that might sound selfish 0:05:51.040 --> 0:05:54.120 to some people, but let me remind you, guys. I 0:05:54.160 --> 0:05:57.000 am the eldest of five and I have, you know, 0:05:57.120 --> 0:06:00.679 raised my siblings. I'm still in a way them because 0:06:00.680 --> 0:06:04.039 I'm the oldest sister. And even though they are grown 0:06:04.120 --> 0:06:07.080 up and they live in their own homes and you 0:06:07.160 --> 0:06:10.200 have their own children, oh Janica doesn't, but they come 0:06:10.240 --> 0:06:13.359 to me. I'm still that mother figure to them in 0:06:13.400 --> 0:06:17.000 some way, you know. And I love it. I absolutely 0:06:17.000 --> 0:06:19.640 love it, especially with Johnny. Johnny still lives with me, 0:06:20.080 --> 0:06:23.320 and you know, I still worry about him. I still 0:06:24.000 --> 0:06:27.840 I'm still guiding him. And I had him. See look 0:06:27.839 --> 0:06:31.240 at this, I had him on my mom said here 0:06:31.320 --> 0:06:33.680 at six months, take care of this kid. I gotta 0:06:33.760 --> 0:06:36.279 go work, and I have and it's been a blessing 0:06:36.360 --> 0:06:38.320 and I love it and I don't regret a minute 0:06:38.320 --> 0:06:41.119 of it. I learned so much about myself, about life, 0:06:41.120 --> 0:06:44.280 about having children with him, because he was given to 0:06:44.320 --> 0:06:47.159 me so young, so I went through all of it everything. 0:06:47.560 --> 0:06:49.359 I really feel like I know what it is to 0:06:49.400 --> 0:06:52.280 have a child and once they grow up, how much 0:06:52.320 --> 0:06:54.920 it hurts, and how you still worry about your children 0:06:54.920 --> 0:06:58.160 no matter what. So I feel for so many years 0:06:59.000 --> 0:07:03.880 I focused on my siblings and raising them, and now 0:07:03.920 --> 0:07:06.760 they're grown and they're doing their thing, and I'm so proud, 0:07:06.839 --> 0:07:10.640 and I feel like right now is my time to travel, 0:07:10.760 --> 0:07:15.080 to do as I please. And that's why I just 0:07:15.400 --> 0:07:25.360 want to hold off on having kids. I have thought 0:07:25.360 --> 0:07:28.760 about it. I'm like, Okay, what if I have no children, Well, 0:07:28.800 --> 0:07:31.160 I regret it, and there is that possibility. There is 0:07:31.200 --> 0:07:33.800 the possibility of me regretting it ten years from now. 0:07:35.080 --> 0:07:37.200 But I don't want to think that way. I want 0:07:37.240 --> 0:07:39.800 to think about what is best for me now. And 0:07:39.880 --> 0:07:42.160 here's the thing. I'm not saying I don't want kids 0:07:42.160 --> 0:07:46.040 at all. I'm just saying I don't want to actively try. 0:07:46.240 --> 0:07:49.160 I don't want to go through IVF, because if I'm 0:07:49.160 --> 0:07:52.280 getting a period, guys, and I'm pretty regular, I feel like, Okay, 0:07:52.400 --> 0:07:55.520 there's eggs in there, so why isn't happening. I should 0:07:55.520 --> 0:07:58.840 start worrying or really like obviously or say that I 0:07:58.840 --> 0:08:01.000 can't do anything about it if I no longer have 0:08:01.040 --> 0:08:02.720 a period. But I have a period. I get a 0:08:02.720 --> 0:08:05.240 period every month. I'm very regular, so I feel like 0:08:05.240 --> 0:08:08.600 if it's not sticking, it's for a reason. That's what 0:08:08.680 --> 0:08:11.120 my body's telling me, that's what my faith tells me. 0:08:11.200 --> 0:08:13.360 And I feel like even if I'm forty two and 0:08:13.400 --> 0:08:15.680 I still have a period and God says here's the baby, 0:08:16.520 --> 0:08:18.920 then I'll be happy. I'll be like, Okay, God, this 0:08:19.040 --> 0:08:21.600 is your will, Let's go for it, you know what 0:08:21.640 --> 0:08:23.320 I mean. So I think I'm at that point right 0:08:23.360 --> 0:08:25.520 now where I'm like, I don't know if IVF is 0:08:25.640 --> 0:08:29.200 right for me. And obviously with IVF, the longer you wait, 0:08:29.480 --> 0:08:32.320 the less eggs you can you know they can remove. 0:08:33.000 --> 0:08:36.600 So I understand that. And yes, some people might say, okay, well, 0:08:36.640 --> 0:08:38.920 cheeky's why don't you just do the IVF have the 0:08:38.960 --> 0:08:41.480 eggs just in case? But then I'd feel like, there 0:08:41.520 --> 0:08:45.480 they are they're just frozen, and what am I gonna do. 0:08:45.520 --> 0:08:48.040 What if I decide not to have kids, then what 0:08:48.559 --> 0:08:50.680 I just throw them away? You know what I mean. 0:08:50.720 --> 0:08:53.000 So I'm like, I'd rather just go through it naturally, 0:08:53.080 --> 0:08:56.240 and I have faith that if that is what's meant 0:08:56.240 --> 0:08:58.559 for me, it's going to happen. And people might think, 0:08:58.600 --> 0:09:00.680 oh my gosh, because they've asked me, okay, is it 0:09:00.720 --> 0:09:02.840 because you know you don't want to ruin your body. 0:09:02.840 --> 0:09:04.800 I'm not gonna lie. That's part of it. I mean. 0:09:04.840 --> 0:09:07.080 But then again, I could just have a surrogate. You know. 0:09:07.720 --> 0:09:10.520 It's more of the responsibility of having a child. It's 0:09:11.320 --> 0:09:14.520 a lifetime thing, you guys. It's not something to play with. 0:09:14.720 --> 0:09:16.800 And I know I'd be a good mother, I know it. 0:09:17.400 --> 0:09:19.840 I just don't know in my heart if I want 0:09:19.880 --> 0:09:22.760 to stop my life. I feel like I'm finally living 0:09:22.800 --> 0:09:24.960 it for myself and doing as I place it. I'm like, 0:09:25.640 --> 0:09:28.600 I don't know. I just don't know. So I think, 0:09:28.880 --> 0:09:30.720 if I'm already feeling like this, why would I go 0:09:30.760 --> 0:09:33.160 through IVF And kind of in a way, I guess 0:09:33.240 --> 0:09:35.120 I don't know if the correct word is force it 0:09:35.679 --> 0:09:38.120 and go through the process and then knowing that I 0:09:38.120 --> 0:09:40.560 feel this way, I feel like, is that fair to 0:09:40.600 --> 0:09:42.800 the child? Is that fair to myself? Is that fair 0:09:42.840 --> 0:09:46.000 to their future versus me just leaving it in God's hands, 0:09:46.400 --> 0:09:48.840 doing my thing with my man, and if it happens, 0:09:49.040 --> 0:09:50.680 then it happens, then I'll be like, well, this is 0:09:50.679 --> 0:09:53.000 God's will and I'll feel better about it. I'm like, Okay, 0:09:53.040 --> 0:09:55.080 I've done my part. I got off birth control, been 0:09:55.120 --> 0:09:58.360 having unprotected sets with my man. Hasn't happened. Maybe it's 0:09:58.440 --> 0:10:00.920 just not the right time. I'm a woman of faith, 0:10:01.000 --> 0:10:03.240 So even if it happens when I'm forty five, I'm 0:10:03.240 --> 0:10:06.440 forty five and it happens, and whoa, that's what God wants. 0:10:06.800 --> 0:10:08.640 So that's kind of where I'm at before. If you 0:10:08.679 --> 0:10:11.199 would have asked me this, I don't know, maybe ten years, 0:10:11.200 --> 0:10:13.360 five years ago. Is it because you don't want to 0:10:13.440 --> 0:10:15.480 ruin your body or you don't want to gain more weight? 0:10:15.840 --> 0:10:17.960 I'd be like, yes, that scares the hell out of me, 0:10:18.200 --> 0:10:21.080 you know. But now that I've kind of taken control 0:10:21.240 --> 0:10:23.000 of that part of my life and I know what 0:10:23.080 --> 0:10:25.360 I need to do in order for that not to happen, 0:10:25.440 --> 0:10:27.880 or keep working out as I'm pregnant. I'm not as 0:10:27.920 --> 0:10:30.920 scared of that anymore. It's more of the world we 0:10:31.000 --> 0:10:34.160 live in, all of the realities that surround us on 0:10:34.200 --> 0:10:38.280 a daily basis. My reality, my personal reality, what I 0:10:38.440 --> 0:10:41.640 lived taking care of my siblings, and it's been a 0:10:41.640 --> 0:10:44.280 beautiful thing, but also experiencing all that and I don't 0:10:44.320 --> 0:10:46.240 want to take it away from immedia either. So we've 0:10:46.240 --> 0:10:49.080 had these conversations and that's kind of what we're working through. 0:10:49.400 --> 0:10:51.840 One of the conversations that or should I say topics 0:10:51.960 --> 0:10:55.240 in you know, premarital counseling is the topic of children, 0:10:55.280 --> 0:10:56.720 like we have to be on the same page, and 0:10:57.000 --> 0:10:58.640 we've talked about it, and I'm like, what if I can't, 0:10:58.679 --> 0:11:01.000 What if I don't want to? What if he says, well, 0:11:01.160 --> 0:11:02.920 I'm fine with that, I'll be fine with you. Just 0:11:02.960 --> 0:11:04.400 give me a lot of love. And I'm like, Okay, 0:11:04.400 --> 0:11:07.000 that's perfect, that's great. But then again, I'm not gonna lie. 0:11:07.040 --> 0:11:08.480 I think about it all the time. Guys. I'm like, 0:11:08.640 --> 0:11:11.120 he's seven years younger than I am. What if he 0:11:11.200 --> 0:11:14.280 regrets it later? What if he wants something different? And 0:11:14.360 --> 0:11:16.040 I've thought about that and it's kept me up at night. 0:11:16.080 --> 0:11:18.280 But I'm like you know what. I can't think about that. 0:11:18.320 --> 0:11:20.040 I can't think that way. I have to think about 0:11:20.040 --> 0:11:25.439 it right now, enjoy our relationship now, and once that happens, 0:11:25.440 --> 0:11:27.840 and if it happens, or maybe it never will happen, 0:11:28.040 --> 0:11:30.320 maybe he will be one hundred percent a thousand percent, 0:11:31.000 --> 0:11:33.360 you know, satisfied with me and not having to have kids. 0:11:33.679 --> 0:11:35.760 That could be our reality, you know. But if it 0:11:35.800 --> 0:11:37.200 does and he's like, you know, I want a kid, 0:11:37.240 --> 0:11:39.319 and now I just really can't. You know, let's say 0:11:39.320 --> 0:11:41.400 five years from her, I don't know. Then we'll cross 0:11:41.440 --> 0:11:43.320 that bridge when we get there, you know what I mean. Like, 0:11:43.320 --> 0:11:45.040 I don't want to have to put myself through that 0:11:45.080 --> 0:11:47.440 stress or my body through that stress thinking about that 0:11:47.520 --> 0:11:49.199 right now. I just want to enjoy the moment. And 0:11:49.240 --> 0:11:51.240 that's where I'm at. And I wanted to be really 0:11:51.280 --> 0:11:53.240 honest with you guys, because it is something that I'm 0:11:53.280 --> 0:11:55.120 asked about all the time. Like, I know a lot 0:11:55.120 --> 0:11:56.720 of people would want me to have a kid, and 0:11:57.440 --> 0:11:59.960 I'm not saying I wouldn't be happy if it happened, 0:12:00.360 --> 0:12:03.880 but I'm also okay not having kids. And on the 0:12:03.920 --> 0:12:06.600 other side of the token, I have thought about my career. 0:12:07.440 --> 0:12:11.160 It's going well or moving forward. Things are happening, thank goodness. 0:12:11.320 --> 0:12:14.720 You know, it's been ten long years uphill battle, and 0:12:14.760 --> 0:12:16.640 I feel like we're finally somewhere where it's a little 0:12:16.640 --> 0:12:19.480 bit more stable, and I don't want to lose a momentum. 0:12:19.760 --> 0:12:22.160 And I've thought, Okay, would I have to stop for 0:12:22.240 --> 0:12:24.600 nine months while I'm pregnant and then sometime after that 0:12:24.679 --> 0:12:27.600 because i have to tend to the baby. But then again, 0:12:27.600 --> 0:12:29.679 I'm like, you know what, But that doesn't even stop 0:12:29.679 --> 0:12:32.160 me anymore. I'm like, Okay, I've seen Cardi b I've 0:12:32.200 --> 0:12:35.200 seen Jennifer Lopez. I've seen so many different women do 0:12:35.280 --> 0:12:38.960 their thing while they're pregnant, and it's all good, you 0:12:39.000 --> 0:12:40.680 know what I mean, Like I'll have my baby with me, 0:12:40.800 --> 0:12:42.959 I'll have a nanny, Like I feel like I can 0:12:43.000 --> 0:12:46.760 figure it out. It's really more of the long term. 0:12:47.200 --> 0:12:50.120 I don't know. I'm still even as I'm speaking to 0:12:50.160 --> 0:12:52.600 you guys, I'm still a little conflicted because I'm like, 0:12:53.000 --> 0:12:54.960 there are days where I'm like, yes, I want kids 0:12:54.960 --> 0:12:56.840 so bad. I'm like, oh my god, because I love children, 0:12:56.880 --> 0:12:59.600 you know, like kids gravitate towards me. I love kids. 0:12:59.840 --> 0:13:02.400 And Johnny, my brother, was actually saying that. He's like, 0:13:02.440 --> 0:13:04.480 I think it's because you tell yourself so much that 0:13:04.520 --> 0:13:06.839 you don't want them, or you're not sure that your 0:13:06.880 --> 0:13:09.240 body's kind of like you have a very powerful mind. 0:13:09.280 --> 0:13:11.080 And I'm like, well, yeah, I really do believe in 0:13:11.080 --> 0:13:13.000 the law of attraction. So maybe if I were to 0:13:13.000 --> 0:13:14.400 tell myself, yes, I want a kid, I want a kid. 0:13:14.400 --> 0:13:15.920 I want a kid, it right now, God will give 0:13:15.920 --> 0:13:18.520 it to me. But since I'm like, oh, in the 0:13:18.559 --> 0:13:21.040 gray area, I'm like, I don't know. Yes, no, maybe, 0:13:21.040 --> 0:13:23.440 so it hasn't happened. But I have so much faith 0:13:23.480 --> 0:13:25.640 you guys, and I'm like, I know if that is 0:13:25.679 --> 0:13:28.199 what's going to happen for me, it's going to happen naturally. 0:13:28.320 --> 0:13:32.360 I really truly, really truly believe that. But right now 0:13:32.760 --> 0:13:35.640 I'm just not sure. But I am very sure that 0:13:35.760 --> 0:13:39.360 IVF for the time being is not for me, because 0:13:40.120 --> 0:13:42.319 if I was meant to do it in October the 0:13:42.360 --> 0:13:44.360 way I had told myself, then I wouldn't have had 0:13:44.400 --> 0:13:47.320 the ciss. These polyps I get put another halt on 0:13:47.440 --> 0:13:50.320 the IVF process, this whole situation that I'm dealing with 0:13:50.440 --> 0:13:53.000 right now, which, thank goodness, the polyps are out. I 0:13:53.040 --> 0:13:54.800 don't know what's going on with the damn cys. It's 0:13:54.840 --> 0:13:57.480 just there. They love me. But I can't start IVF 0:13:57.559 --> 0:13:59.600 because even if I wanted to, I would have to 0:13:59.600 --> 0:14:01.720 get this it's removed. It's like this whole thing. So 0:14:01.720 --> 0:14:03.720 I'm just like, you know what, it's not for me. 0:14:03.800 --> 0:14:06.280 I'm good with not doing it. The only reason I'm 0:14:06.320 --> 0:14:08.760 talking to you guys about this is because I want to, 0:14:09.320 --> 0:14:11.439 you know, hold myself accountable. And I told you guys, 0:14:11.800 --> 0:14:13.640 you guys have been with me, my listeners here on 0:14:13.720 --> 0:14:15.480 chigizin Chill, you guys have been with me through the 0:14:15.600 --> 0:14:18.600 entire process when I talked to the IVF doctor, when 0:14:18.640 --> 0:14:21.680 I went, when I stopped the whole thing. So I'm like, 0:14:21.800 --> 0:14:25.680 I want to be accountable and have you guys with 0:14:25.760 --> 0:14:29.320 me on this process the entire way. And I feel 0:14:29.320 --> 0:14:30.960 like the best thing to do is be transparent with 0:14:31.000 --> 0:14:33.040 you guys, and that's what I'm doing. I feel like 0:14:33.040 --> 0:14:35.600 that's my responsibility and I owe that to you guys 0:14:42.400 --> 0:14:44.320 now that we're going to talking about this. My brother 0:14:44.400 --> 0:14:48.240 once told me, Mikey, he told me, you know what, well, 0:14:48.240 --> 0:14:50.479 that's what you came to the earth for to reproduce 0:14:50.840 --> 0:14:53.880 and I'm like, wait a second, some people really think that. 0:14:53.920 --> 0:14:56.240 I think he was joking. Obviously he's going to respect 0:14:56.280 --> 0:14:58.400 whatever decision I make. And I love being a Nina 0:14:58.440 --> 0:15:01.080 and I love being Athia like I love it. I 0:15:01.120 --> 0:15:04.560 love giving kisses and loving them and loving on them 0:15:04.560 --> 0:15:06.640 and giving them whatever they want. I'm the THEATA likes 0:15:06.640 --> 0:15:09.000 to spoil and then giving them back to their parents. 0:15:09.000 --> 0:15:11.920 It's fun. So but there are people guys that really 0:15:11.960 --> 0:15:15.680 feel that that's what women came to Earth for, that's 0:15:15.680 --> 0:15:17.600 what we're here for. That's our main purpose is to 0:15:17.640 --> 0:15:20.040 have children. And now I'm not trying to be feminists. 0:15:20.320 --> 0:15:23.160 I'm just saying we have a choice, and it is 0:15:23.240 --> 0:15:27.160 okay for us to choose for ourselves because it's not 0:15:27.200 --> 0:15:28.560 like those people are gonna come and take care of 0:15:28.560 --> 0:15:31.760 the kid financially, physically, emotionally, like you know what I mean. 0:15:31.800 --> 0:15:35.160 So it's like it's a personal decision and if it 0:15:35.400 --> 0:15:37.680 fits your life and if it's meant for you, I 0:15:37.680 --> 0:15:41.840 feel like it's going to happen regardless of anything. But 0:15:41.960 --> 0:15:43.760 if you choose, I don't want kids for the rest 0:15:43.800 --> 0:15:45.720 of my life. No one should judge you on that. 0:15:46.200 --> 0:15:48.880 I don't feel that that's our only purpose. I feel 0:15:48.880 --> 0:15:51.760 like I could be a mother to many people. I 0:15:51.800 --> 0:15:54.000 have dear Cheeky's, I'm a big sister to many people, 0:15:54.040 --> 0:15:56.600 like I can maybe one day adopt. That's another thing. 0:15:57.080 --> 0:15:58.680 I was just talking to my sister Jennaka about it. 0:15:58.720 --> 0:16:01.760 I'm like, you know what I mean, all adopt. She's 0:16:01.800 --> 0:16:03.760 on the same page. There are so many children in 0:16:03.800 --> 0:16:07.360 the world that need parents, and I've thought about that 0:16:07.560 --> 0:16:10.120 quite a bit, and maybe sometime down the year, if 0:16:10.160 --> 0:16:12.240 I don't have my own child, I'll adopt. And I 0:16:12.240 --> 0:16:15.120 think that's okay. But don't let anyone ever make you 0:16:15.160 --> 0:16:17.480 feel that that is the only reason or your purpose 0:16:17.480 --> 0:16:20.080 on earth is to have children and that's it. No, 0:16:20.160 --> 0:16:22.080 there are so many different things. I feel like I 0:16:22.120 --> 0:16:23.640 have a mission on earth and I feel like I'm 0:16:23.680 --> 0:16:26.280 fulfilling it every single day and like walking towards my 0:16:26.280 --> 0:16:28.840 godly purpose each and every single day in some way 0:16:28.960 --> 0:16:31.880 or another. And if God wants to put a child 0:16:31.920 --> 0:16:35.320 in my womb and I'm forty five, that is his will, 0:16:35.480 --> 0:16:37.920 and I will raise in a wonderful child. I know 0:16:37.960 --> 0:16:40.240 I'll be a wonderful mother. I just don't know if 0:16:40.280 --> 0:16:42.560 I am necessarily one hundred percent ready right now. And 0:16:42.560 --> 0:16:44.320 I don't think you'll ever be one hundred percent ready 0:16:44.480 --> 0:16:46.560 right but I don't even think I'm like fifty percent ready, 0:16:46.560 --> 0:16:48.440 you guys, to be honest, I'm just kind of like, 0:16:48.480 --> 0:16:50.560 hold up, I have a lot of fun. I'm chilling, 0:16:50.800 --> 0:16:52.960 like I'm doing my thing right now, and there's nothing 0:16:53.000 --> 0:16:55.440 wrong with that. I really don't feel like there's anything 0:16:55.480 --> 0:16:57.560 wrong with that at all. I don't feel guilty for it. 0:16:57.640 --> 0:17:00.280 I really don't. And I guess as a Latin, and 0:17:00.320 --> 0:17:02.560 I don't think I'm the only one, because we've talked 0:17:02.560 --> 0:17:04.400 about it quite a bit here on the podcast as well, 0:17:04.800 --> 0:17:07.440 how we are constantly being asked, especially now that I'm 0:17:07.440 --> 0:17:09.480 engaged and I have someone in my life, like Okay, 0:17:09.680 --> 0:17:12.159 when are you having kids? And it's a question that 0:17:12.200 --> 0:17:15.560 comes up quite a bit in interviews in my personal 0:17:15.600 --> 0:17:17.800 life and people that I just meet on the street 0:17:17.800 --> 0:17:19.000 and they're like, oh my god, Cheki's wh are you 0:17:19.040 --> 0:17:21.440 gonna have kids? Like you know said there and the 0:17:21.480 --> 0:17:24.000 whole thing, like, hey, the clock is ticking, but I've 0:17:24.040 --> 0:17:25.800 gone to the point before I was like kind of 0:17:25.840 --> 0:17:28.000 like I'm a little worried, and I felt a little 0:17:28.000 --> 0:17:30.400 guilty maybe saying I don't know if I want kids now. 0:17:30.400 --> 0:17:32.600 I'm okay with saying that because I feel like this 0:17:32.680 --> 0:17:35.560 is my life and I should be able to live 0:17:35.600 --> 0:17:37.520 it any way that I can. I think now that 0:17:37.520 --> 0:17:39.840 I've gotten older and I'm understanding my body and I'm 0:17:39.920 --> 0:17:43.440 understanding things on a different level, and now I guess 0:17:43.480 --> 0:17:46.000 I'm not ashamed. I'm not ashamed to say I love 0:17:46.119 --> 0:17:48.000 kids and i'd be I know, I know for a 0:17:48.040 --> 0:17:50.160 fact i'd be a great mom, and I'm a great 0:17:50.200 --> 0:17:53.040 Thea and Nina and stuff. But I don't feel a 0:17:53.040 --> 0:17:55.240 shame saying that I don't want kids of my own 0:17:55.320 --> 0:17:57.480 right now. But I don't know what changes, guys, because 0:17:57.560 --> 0:17:59.840 last year I was I had a lot of baby fever, 0:18:00.520 --> 0:18:03.000 and now I'm just chilling now and focus on my music. 0:18:03.160 --> 0:18:06.119 I'm really looking forward to next year and being able 0:18:06.160 --> 0:18:09.200 to go somewhere for a few weeks and record my album, 0:18:09.240 --> 0:18:11.080 something I've never been able to do. Like there are 0:18:11.119 --> 0:18:13.080 things that I want to do, and not saying that 0:18:13.160 --> 0:18:14.760 I can't do that while I'm pregnant. I mean, if 0:18:14.760 --> 0:18:16.480 that's God's will, I'm still going to do it. You know, 0:18:16.560 --> 0:18:18.000 if I get pregnant at the beginning of the year 0:18:18.119 --> 0:18:20.680 or whenever he says, then so be it. I'm going 0:18:20.720 --> 0:18:23.960 to receive it. But I think another part of it too, 0:18:24.600 --> 0:18:27.720 and just being honest here is I guess I've been 0:18:27.760 --> 0:18:30.639 forced in a way mentally not to get over the 0:18:30.640 --> 0:18:34.240 idea of having kids because my body is saying something different. 0:18:34.840 --> 0:18:38.679 So instead of being disappointed every month, it's more of like, 0:18:39.280 --> 0:18:42.240 let me push it out of the way. And I 0:18:42.280 --> 0:18:45.520 think that's where I'm at. The conclusion to this episode 0:18:45.640 --> 0:18:48.680 is that I have decided not to go through with IVF. 0:18:49.000 --> 0:18:50.320 I can't even do it even if I want to, 0:18:50.400 --> 0:18:51.680 because I have the cyst and I have to fix 0:18:51.720 --> 0:18:54.800 all of that first. I feel like IVF for me 0:18:55.119 --> 0:18:57.240