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Speaker 1: It's stay or go. Scott is here, I Scott, good morning, Hey,

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Speaker 1: good morning, Scott, welcome. Thanks for hitting this up. There's

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Speaker 1: a lot of places you can get ahold of us,

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Speaker 1: fred shiw Radio and the social search for the Fred

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Speaker 1: Show fredshow radio dot com. And so you're having an

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Speaker 1: issue with your girlfriend of about six years. So what's

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Speaker 1: going on? I can't wait to hear about this.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, Well, like you said, we've been together six years,

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Speaker 2: and like, I don't know, lately, I'm feeling a lot

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Speaker 2: of pressure to like propose, but I'm just not ready.

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Speaker 1: So sounds familiar.

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Speaker 3: I guess.

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Speaker 2: I guess they're just fun. I kind of want your

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Speaker 2: opinion on that, Like, do you think it's too long

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Speaker 2: or do you think it's like I shouldn't worry about it?

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Speaker 1: Well, okay, you should worry, all right. I need a

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Speaker 1: little more information. I need I need a lot more information.

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Speaker 1: I mean, right, so that's been six years, right, what

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Speaker 1: do you think? Okay? Well, I mean we were talking

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Speaker 1: about this earlier, but you know, whether it's kiky and

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Speaker 1: almost eight years of whatever, it was seven and a

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Speaker 1: half and then you you know, sort of joking about

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Speaker 1: since the day that I met you where is my proposal?

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Speaker 1: Or you know, it's Kaylin who's been with someone for

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Speaker 1: a little while and isn't in any hurry whatsoever. I mean,

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Speaker 1: there's a lot of context here. So six years is

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Speaker 1: she pressuring you? Like?

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Speaker 3: Is she?

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Speaker 1: Is she fairly so beginning to ask or has she

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Speaker 1: been asking? Hey, where's this going? I mean it's because

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Speaker 1: maybe people are together forever and never get married and

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Speaker 1: they're okay with that, and then maybe people are together

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Speaker 1: for three months and they're like, hey, where's the ring?

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Speaker 1: I mean I've kind of encountered both. What what's happening here?

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Speaker 2: Oh yeah, this is gonna sound kind of silly, so

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Speaker 2: like normally like she's never really brought it up or

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Speaker 2: really even seem to like worry too much either, but

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Speaker 2: like she's a giant swifties. So with the last couple

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Speaker 2: of weeks, like with all the big news and stuff,

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Speaker 2: like you get really caught the marriage buck, I'd say.

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Speaker 1: Get out of here, get out of it. Has she

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Speaker 1: actually did that? Like she said, well, you know, you know,

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Speaker 1: Travis and Taylor are engaged, so I mean that hasn't

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Speaker 1: actually come up?

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Speaker 2: Oh well, I was sitting next to her when she

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Speaker 2: saw the news on her phone and she like started

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Speaker 2: like crying and being like so emotionable, like I don't know,

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Speaker 2: like and then yeah, so like the last couple of

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Speaker 2: weeks kind of just been like talking about our future

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Speaker 2: and like you know what things look like.

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Speaker 1: Down the line and things you got to be kiddo.

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Speaker 1: I was emotionable too.

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Speaker 4: I get it, but.

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Speaker 1: It's something to be It's one thing to be emotionable

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Speaker 1: like Scott's grow up friend. To be emotionable, that's one thing.

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Speaker 1: But then but to put the pressure on because because

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Speaker 1: she's swifty and because she got engaged. I mean, it's

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Speaker 1: like I'll look at her life, Well what about you

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Speaker 1: slack her?

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Speaker 3: Right?

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Speaker 1: I mean is that that's not fair? But here's the thing.

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Speaker 1: So she's indicated to you that she wants to be

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Speaker 1: married to you. How long has she been talking like that?

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Speaker 1: Of the six years you've been together, just recently.

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Speaker 2: On like it's something we've kind of talked about, Like

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Speaker 2: I feel like we both always wanted to get married,

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Speaker 2: but like this, like like I said, as marriage bug,

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Speaker 2: like that's brand new. Like I'm honestly it makes me

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Speaker 2: like I'm ready to fight Travis Kelcey, Like I may

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Speaker 2: not be as big as him or as strong as him.

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Speaker 2: But like I'm ready to go.

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Speaker 1: I'm telling you, I wonder how many people are in

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Speaker 1: this situation where you know, she she sort of inspired

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Speaker 1: within a bunch of folks, men, women, whomever, Like no, no,

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Speaker 1: I want that too, proposed to me in the backyard.

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Speaker 1: What are you doing?

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Speaker 3: So?

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Speaker 1: Okay? What's your position though? I mean, are you what's

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Speaker 1: the do you want to be married? Why are you

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Speaker 1: not proposing? I mean, and again I don't say it

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Speaker 1: in the judgmental way. I mean, you have every right

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Speaker 1: to live your life however you want. But what, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: what is the hold up?

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Speaker 2: I mean, there's a few reasons, but plat out, I'm

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Speaker 2: just not ready, Like it's something I want to do

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Speaker 2: in the future, but like I don't know, Like I

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Speaker 2: don't see why it's a problem for like everyone to

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Speaker 2: take their own path, Like like, yeah, six years, but

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Speaker 2: if we're not ready after six years, then why rush?

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Speaker 2: Like I don't know, Like I'm still trying to figure

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Speaker 2: out my career a little bit, and you know, like

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Speaker 2: there's no way where we can afford like the wedding

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Speaker 2: i'd want to give her, or the ring i'd want

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Speaker 2: to give her yet, so like, I guess that's one

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Speaker 2: of the stuff I'm working on.

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Speaker 1: But so she wants to be married, how long do

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Speaker 1: you think that those things are going to take? Like

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Speaker 1: how the time frame? Yeah, you're thinking before we get

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Speaker 1: the career and the money things sorted out. I mean

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Speaker 1: the year. I mean, how long are we thinking? Because

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Speaker 1: I mean, you know, at some point I do understand

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Speaker 1: that I don't No one should be rushed, and no

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Speaker 1: one should do anything that they're uncomfortable doing or they

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Speaker 1: don't feel compelled to do. But and here's my question,

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Speaker 1: everybody else eight five, five, five, nine, one one three five,

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Speaker 1: at what juncture is it fair for a person who

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Speaker 1: wants to be married to say this is enough time?

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Speaker 1: And yeah, I can hear people now going, well, there

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Speaker 1: isn't one, and I would normally agree with that. But

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Speaker 1: if you're somebody who wants to get married, maybe you

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Speaker 1: want to have kids, there is and you want to

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Speaker 1: be married when you have if those are things that

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Speaker 1: are important to you, there is kind of a time frame.

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Speaker 1: It's a little bit of a finite thing. You know,

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Speaker 1: you can't necessarily do this when you're fifty, you know,

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Speaker 1: you can't necessarily you can, but you know, I mean,

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Speaker 1: if you're are you gonna be the gun for twenty

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Speaker 1: years before you feel comfortable? And then at that point

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Speaker 1: have things passed you by somewhat? I mean, how long

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Speaker 1: is it gonna take?

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Speaker 3: Bro? I don't know?

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Speaker 2: And I totally get what you're saying, like we're well,

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Speaker 2: still relatively young, but like, I don't know, I'm just

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Speaker 2: not ready. It might be a year, it might be

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Speaker 2: another two years. I don't know, but I definitely get

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Speaker 2: what you're saying.

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Speaker 1: Because the worst thing is if you know, I want

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Speaker 1: to be married to you and I'm getting emotionable about it,

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Speaker 1: and then and then we keep you know, we keep

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Speaker 1: this going for another two, three, four years, and then

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Speaker 1: we're ten years in and then you're like, eh, actually

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Speaker 1: I don't want to do this anymore. And now it's like, well, okay,

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Speaker 1: I invested a lot of time in this aspiration that

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Speaker 1: is not coming to fruition. And you might say, well,

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Speaker 1: then good, I'm glad it didn't because it wasn't supposed to.

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Speaker 1: But that's still a lot of time to spend on something.

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Speaker 1: So I mean, or she can meet her husband tomorrow. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: what would you do if she meant someone else and said, hey,

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Speaker 1: this guy's more serious than you are. How would that

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Speaker 1: make you feel?

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Speaker 5: That be heartbreaking?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I'd be very emotionable and it'd be heartbreaking. And

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Speaker 2: I don't think we've ever had commitment issues, like we're

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Speaker 2: both like, you know, we both know how committed we

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Speaker 2: are to each other, and you know how serious we

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Speaker 2: are about each other. It's just it's just like the

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Speaker 2: marriage part itself, like I'm not ready for. It's not

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Speaker 2: the relationship that makes me not ready. It's like I said,

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Speaker 2: it's more like just like the timing and the wedding

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Speaker 2: and the I don't know all that kind of stuff,

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Speaker 2: like I'm just not ready for.

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Speaker 1: Well, if you're not ready, don't do it. But I

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Speaker 1: think at some point if you don't get ready, and

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Speaker 1: this isn't the threat, but I think at some point

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Speaker 1: if you don't get ready, then you might expect that

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Speaker 1: she'll find someone who is. And again, don't do anything

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Speaker 1: that you don't feel comfortable doing, because that's I think

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Speaker 1: where bad things start to happen. But if you're not

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Speaker 1: compelled to do it within five, six, seven years, I mean,

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Speaker 1: and I don't know, but then again, you got Jason

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Speaker 1: over here fourteen years and I don't know, maybe it

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Speaker 1: happens now, maybe maybe you feel like it's beginning to happen,

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Speaker 1: or it's more a realm of possible in the realm

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Speaker 1: of possibility than it was. Yeah, I think it's a

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Speaker 1: lost cause. But I also never mind I was being optimistic.

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Speaker 1: I don't know. I never like actually expressed like, hey,

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Speaker 1: this is really important to me. I want to do

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Speaker 1: it because I don't feel that way. It would be

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Speaker 1: nice if it did, but it's not a deal breaker

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Speaker 1: for me. It sounds like for her it might be. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and our kids a factor here? Do you guys want

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Speaker 1: both one kids?

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Speaker 3: Again?

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Speaker 2: Like if the situations right, kind.

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Speaker 1: Of a situation right, it's not like got a well,

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Speaker 1: I know.

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Speaker 5: It's a lot of a kid in this world.

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Speaker 1: Six years. I mean the situation seems we're six years right,

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Speaker 1: is I'm sorry, I.

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Speaker 2: Don't want to have a kid if I can't feed it,

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Speaker 2: you know, like like I.

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Speaker 6: Don't know's you know, I don't know if money for

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Speaker 6: a wedding, you just got to play.

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Speaker 1: Money around. Let me take some phone calls, Scott and

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Speaker 1: I look, I appreciate you and thanks you being a

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Speaker 1: good spport about this and have the radio and we'll

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Speaker 1: see what people have to say. Have a good day,

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Speaker 1: all right. I'm really torn on this. I'm really intorn

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Speaker 1: on this because I don't want people to do anything

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Speaker 1: they're not ready to do. And I am a proponent

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Speaker 1: of situations where people can be together forever and not

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Speaker 1: necessarily get married legally or in a church or whatever,

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Speaker 1: and live very happy lives. You know, people think, well,

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Speaker 1: if I get married, you won't cheat or she won't. No,

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Speaker 1: they will try it. Let me assure you, Let me

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Speaker 1: assure you. That doesn't seem to stop anybody. But it's

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Speaker 1: just like, how about just be happy?

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Speaker 3: Right?

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Speaker 1: But but if here's where here's where I'm on the

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Speaker 1: other side of this. If your goals differ, you know,

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Speaker 1: and your level of comfort and priorities differ, how long

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Speaker 1: do you live in that sort of middle ground? I mean, Kiki, realistically,

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Speaker 1: and it's easy for you to say now because you're engaged,

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Speaker 1: but realistically, how much longer were you going to give

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Speaker 1: big tim because you want to be married?

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Speaker 6: Right until I met my husband, Like I was that

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Speaker 6: serious about that?

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Speaker 1: You were not? I were not really looking for all people?

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Speaker 1: Stop it? Right, now with you with your skits to live.

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Speaker 6: This is not a skit or a lie. If you

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Speaker 6: are in a relationship with a good woman and you

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Speaker 6: all have built something together, and she has been clear

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Speaker 6: about her desires to be married if you can, If

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Speaker 6: you are not making attempts to prepare yourself for that,

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Speaker 6: you are in the way of her husband. And so

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Speaker 6: I was very clear to Big Tim about I love you,

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Speaker 6: where have We are great friends, we have a great relationship.

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Speaker 6: I want to be married, okay, And if you are

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Speaker 6: going to prepare yourself to do that, then I am

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Speaker 6: actively out here letting the world know that I'm single.

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Speaker 6: I mean a man that is serious about his goals

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Speaker 6: and can get it together, then we may be in trouble.

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Speaker 1: You got serious years that I watched many many, many

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Speaker 1: many men try we all have, and you didn't give

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Speaker 1: any of them the time of day.

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Speaker 6: Right because I was in love with Tim.

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Speaker 1: And so you weren't really looking to replace him.

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Speaker 6: I may that clear to him, because that is what's

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Speaker 6: that's gonna happen. I'm gonna sit there for twenty five

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Speaker 6: years and still be talking about I'm single.

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Speaker 7: No, I feel like men also know, and I'm no man.

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Speaker 1: But I know I'm not a man right now, happen.

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Speaker 1: I have been with a man, A couple, A couple

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Speaker 1: of men. Yes, pull up a chair. I like to

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Speaker 1: hear more about this. I would talk to you really quick.

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Speaker 1: I think men know that they want to marry a woman,

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Speaker 1: like right away.

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Speaker 6: I've heard this.

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Speaker 1: I know you.

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Speaker 7: You know, because you have. I don't think met the

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Speaker 7: woman you're like. I want to be with her like

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Speaker 7: I had, but I was very wrong, so well up

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Speaker 7: in there too exactly be honest with you.

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Speaker 1: The ones where I think I really want to be

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Speaker 1: with you, I should probably just go the other way.

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Speaker 1: I should do the opposite of what my brain tells

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Speaker 1: me to do.

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Speaker 7: I hear you. But I do feel like men know

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Speaker 7: instantly if they want to block this in. I mean,

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Speaker 7: I call me crazy, but I do feel like, if

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Speaker 7: you're gonna make it happen, you're making it happen. The

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Speaker 7: six year thing, like you're just wasting all of our time.

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Speaker 1: Now I see that I'm really in the middle of this,

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Speaker 1: because if it takes ten years and you guys, everyone

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Speaker 1: gets there and then it's this wonderful thing and it

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Speaker 1: lasts forever, then that's all good if it takes ten

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Speaker 1: years and it dissolves and it's not you don't it's

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Speaker 1: just not that cutting dry and this whole thing where

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Speaker 1: the moment I saw her, I knew, not the moment,

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Speaker 1: it's not quite not for everybody.

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Speaker 7: Three months, Okay, I think in three months, Like if

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Speaker 7: I call Shane right now, he will tell me, I'm Shane.

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Speaker 1: He wanted to marry her before.

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Speaker 7: He loves Hale and he's had all the relationships.

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Speaker 1: And I hears you not feeling.

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Speaker 3: Amusing.

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Speaker 1: Shane is an example do not have.

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Speaker 7: He loves her, and I'm trying to point that out.

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Speaker 7: I guarantee you he did not feel that way about

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Speaker 7: other girlfriends the way he feels about you.

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Speaker 1: I can promise you that.

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Speaker 7: And it shows and his actions and who he is

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Speaker 7: as a man, like he would marry you yesterday, you know,

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Speaker 7: and because he knew.

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Speaker 1: Okay, Serena, yes, hi Hi. So this dude not a

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Speaker 1: mask over the fact that Taylor Swift is putting pressure

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Speaker 1: on his six year relationship. But that's what's happening. And

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Speaker 1: now all of a sudden, he knew his girlfriend wanted

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Speaker 1: to get married after six years they've been together. But

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Speaker 1: now it's like, wait a minute, they did it, so

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Speaker 1: now where are we at with this? And it seems

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Speaker 1: like it's intensifying. Now what does one do in this situation?

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Speaker 8: Well, I know my husband's listening because he listens to

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Speaker 8: every morning. And I gave him an ultimatum. I said,

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Speaker 8: we've been together eight years, we have three kids, my

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Speaker 8: last name, Okay, I want to get married, and he's like, well,

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Speaker 8: marriage is just a piece.

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Speaker 3: Of paper, and so I don't care.

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Speaker 4: I want to get married.

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Speaker 3: You have a year to propose, and we get married

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Speaker 3: in our ten year anniversary. That's exactly what we did.

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Speaker 1: Period. Yeah, and you've got kids in their life together

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Speaker 1: and it's a little more substantial than just But I

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Speaker 1: never like it, Serena different. I don't like an ultimatum.

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Speaker 1: I don't like it because I feel like, then in

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Speaker 1: the back of your mind, it's like, would you ever

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Speaker 1: have done it if I hadn't just said you're doing it?

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Speaker 1: And I hope it works out. It looks sounds like

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Speaker 1: it is and maybe he needed a little shove and again,

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Speaker 1: you guys have a life together and a lot to

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Speaker 1: speak for it. But I hate an ultimatum in these situations.

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Speaker 1: I hate it.

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Speaker 8: Yeah, I get it, But at the same time, I'm like,

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Speaker 8: I have already invested eight years and I'm not you

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Speaker 8: know what, it's either now or never, because I will

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Speaker 8: find someone else.

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Speaker 1: And the case thing is important because and not that

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Speaker 1: you should definitely get married because you have kids, you shouldn't,

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Speaker 1: but this guy's going to be a part of your

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Speaker 1: life forever anyway, So I understand why that is an

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Speaker 1: interesting dynamic. But I hate it when people are like,

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Speaker 1: you got one year because even if that, even if

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Speaker 1: that person intended to do it, I feel like forever

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Speaker 1: it would be like if I had not said to

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Speaker 1: you you have one year, then would you have done it?

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Speaker 1: And then that's in the back of your mind And

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Speaker 1: that's not fair to anybody. But hey, I'm glad it

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Speaker 1: worked out for you. And what's your husband's name?

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Speaker 3: Irving.

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Speaker 1: Shout out to you, man, blink twice. If you're okay, Irving,

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Speaker 1: have a good day. Yeah. Oh, she's brilliant and she's hot.

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Speaker 1: She listens to this show. One of the smartest people

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Speaker 1: that was ever in mind. Right, Oh my god, they

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Speaker 1: both how could she? She should have been begging him?

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Speaker 1: He listens to Well, if you listen to this show,

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Speaker 1: then you're brilliant. Hi Samantha, except the people who hate

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Speaker 1: on this, but do you have fine? Hi Samantha, Hi,

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Speaker 1: good morning, Hey Sarah. What do you think? Good morning?

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Speaker 3: Well?

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Speaker 4: I think it's interesting that this guy is calling in

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Speaker 4: to get a decision because I really think it's the girl.

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Speaker 4: I think that she should go. And he may be

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Speaker 4: like a lovely man, but I do think he's wasting

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Speaker 4: her time. I think after six years, like other people

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Speaker 4: have said, you know, if you want to be with

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Speaker 4: somebody for marriage, and if he wants to stay with

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Speaker 4: somebody's long term without getting married, that's totally okay. And

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Speaker 4: also I have to add that I too, am a

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Speaker 4: huge swiftie, and I think that maybe she kind of

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Speaker 4: had an itch that was scratched when she thought Taylor

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Speaker 4: Swift get engaged because she's ben fifty and she sees like,

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Speaker 4: oh wow, love is real. Maybe this can kind of,

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Speaker 4: you know, be my story too. I don't really think

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Speaker 4: that's unrealistic. It probably just showed her that, you know,

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Speaker 4: I can have a love story like this too, even

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Speaker 4: if it's just getting engaged and being married.

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Speaker 1: And having paid just go and buy her all seven

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Speaker 1: CDs of Life of a Showgirl. Make sure they'll show

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Speaker 1: up one a day and that'll buy them another year.

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Speaker 1: You know, she'll be distracted listening to all seven CDs

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Speaker 1: even though they're all the same. Samantha, thank you, have

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Speaker 1: a good day too. Yeah, and the kids thing is

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Speaker 1: that it's a big factor. Someone said she's wasting her

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Speaker 1: good child bearing years on him. I mean, yeah, again,

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Speaker 1: not a reason to force a marriage, but that's that's

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Speaker 1: a real thing. You know, if you want to be

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Speaker 1: married to someone and have a family, things get more

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Speaker 1: complicated this time goes on. Not impossible, but there's there'd

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Speaker 1: be a lot of resentment there. I would think if

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Speaker 1: you invest all that time and then it doesn't happen,

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna say three as years. It's kind of that, sorry, Jason.

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Speaker 1: It's kind of that gray area we're kind of transitioning into, like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: we've made a life together now after three years, like

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Speaker 1: I've seen, we've probably traveled to this is this doesn't

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Speaker 1: ply to you at all. We've probably traveled together. Like

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Speaker 1: you know, I know if you're stinky, I know you know.

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Speaker 1: I have a good idea what I'm working with here.

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Speaker 1: You've had ups and downs, Like I think we're in

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Speaker 1: that kind of area. It's like, you know, that's what

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Speaker 1: we kind of got to say. This is foreverthing or

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Speaker 1: a long term thing or not not six months or

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Speaker 1: and again this is me just generalizing because Paulina over

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Speaker 1: here thinks every guy just looks at the woman and so.

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Speaker 3: You wont cow me.

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Speaker 1: I'm wrong, though.

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Speaker 7: They are men know when they're somebody, you know, don't

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Speaker 7: let a man waste your time. I'm gonna just leave that.

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Speaker 1: Don't men say that. I don't think it's that simple.

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Speaker 1: I really don't think it's that simple. I think a

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Speaker 1: lot of people have said that to other people and

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Speaker 1: they're divorced.

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Speaker 7: Okay, possibly, but I'm not saying you look at a

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Speaker 7: woman you're like, I'm gonna marry you tomorrow.

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Speaker 1: But I think if you just you just know, you're

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Speaker 1: like I know people who have done that, Paulina, and

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Speaker 1: they're still together and have been together for twenty years.

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Speaker 1: I know people who have done that and they're not

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Speaker 1: together anymore. I don't think that it's I simply don't

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Speaker 1: think it's that simple. There are men listening right now,

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Speaker 1: going Nope. I was compelled and there are men listening

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Speaker 1: right now? Who are going? I was compelled and now

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Speaker 1: I'm paying galimony. Well, married to the gamble.

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Speaker 6: And some people just are ready when they're ready. Some

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Speaker 6: men just marry whatever is in front of them when

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Speaker 6: they're ready.

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Speaker 1: That that part too, can't have that. Hey, Jane, that's

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Speaker 1: a bad idea. Oh no, sorry, Mike. Now I want

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Speaker 1: to talk to mikeather Man. That we'll get to Jane.

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Speaker 3: Mike.

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Speaker 1: Sorry, Mike, how you doing? Male perspective?

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Speaker 5: Go? Yeah, what's up? Guys?

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Speaker 3: So?

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Speaker 5: I mean, like my dad told me when I married

404
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Speaker 5: my wife back in twenty fifteen, we are engaged in

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Speaker 5: twenty fourteen. I was scared. He's like yeah, he says,

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Speaker 5: you're the provider, You're the protector, You're the shield. Now

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00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:45,320
Speaker 5: you've got to protect her and provide for for the

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Speaker 5: rest of your life. I was like, I'm scared to death.

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Speaker 5: And he's like, good, and he says, can you imagine

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00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:53,359
Speaker 5: her with someone else? I said no, if she walked

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Speaker 5: away from me, that would end my world. And I said,

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Speaker 5: he says, then she's the one for you.

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Speaker 1: So we married.

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Speaker 5: And listen, man, when you're married and the wedding and

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Speaker 5: all that stuff that doesn't make the marriage.

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Speaker 1: Man.

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Speaker 5: That's all for the parents and everybody else. That's all

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Speaker 5: for her, you know what I mean. That doesn't make

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Speaker 5: the marriage. Man. You know what, if you love her,

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Speaker 5: if you ask yourself this question for man to man,

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Speaker 5: I'm talking to the guy. If you can see her

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Speaker 5: walking away from you, she's not the one. It's as

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Speaker 5: simple as that. So you either do it. You know,

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Speaker 5: she might not even want a big wedding or a

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Speaker 5: big ring. You know, big ring. My wife didn't, but

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Speaker 5: I still gave it to her, you know what I mean.

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Speaker 5: So you gotta either crap or get off the pot, man,

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Speaker 5: one or the other.

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Speaker 1: By the way, I don't I think you're right. I

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Speaker 1: don't think it will ever not be scary. Scared then no, right.

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Speaker 5: Okay, you married or you marry her. You have kids.

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Speaker 5: That's where the real scaries come in.

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Speaker 3: Andy.

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00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:47,880
Speaker 5: I know Paulina knows exactly what I'm talking about, because

435
00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:49,719
Speaker 5: when you're a parent, you're constantly afraid.

436
00:18:49,760 --> 00:18:50,800
Speaker 1: I'm worried.

437
00:18:50,920 --> 00:18:51,560
Speaker 3: That's very true.

438
00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:59,320
Speaker 1: Thank you, Mike, have a good day. Appreciate that good perspective. Yeah,

439
00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:00,920
Speaker 1: was always cold.

440
00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:02,159
Speaker 7: I really do like you.

441
00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:06,119
Speaker 1: Jane, Hi, Jane, Why am I wrong?

442
00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:10,399
Speaker 3: Jane ahead, Hi, Fred, I normally think your advice is

443
00:19:10,520 --> 00:19:11,320
Speaker 3: really really great.

444
00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:16,000
Speaker 1: Thank you. It is, but it's fantastic.

445
00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:20,119
Speaker 3: But yeah, but I'm a mental health counselor, and at

446
00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:23,920
Speaker 3: this I kind of hear you mixing up two different

447
00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:26,440
Speaker 3: sets of each. There is a difference between a demand

448
00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:31,960
Speaker 3: and a saying of what your needs and wants and

449
00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:35,399
Speaker 3: goals are in the world and that this is what's

450
00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:39,840
Speaker 3: appropriate for me. And so my Kiki had said, this

451
00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:42,480
Speaker 3: is my life goal, this is why I'm dating this way.

452
00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:46,159
Speaker 3: So I'm just putting in my cards on the table.

453
00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:50,680
Speaker 1: So there you go. But Janet, I don't think we're

454
00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:51,400
Speaker 1: saying the same thing.

455
00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:57,639
Speaker 3: But I don't say that your trauma no no, no,

456
00:19:57,760 --> 00:19:59,480
Speaker 3: no trauma.

457
00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:04,960
Speaker 1: History with what an ultimatum is inherently a demand. Yes,

458
00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:08,080
Speaker 1: it is an ultimatum by definition is saying between.

459
00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:11,720
Speaker 3: But there's a difference between saying this is my life

460
00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:16,399
Speaker 3: goal and this is not, you know, ultimatum. It's it's

461
00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:18,920
Speaker 3: it's not really an ultimatum. It's saying no.

462
00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:21,720
Speaker 1: But we're saying the same thing. If I come to you,

463
00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:23,960
Speaker 1: Jane and say here are the things that are important

464
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:27,760
Speaker 1: to me, that's I agree with you. That is different

465
00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:30,000
Speaker 1: than me coming and saying if you don't marry me

466
00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:32,520
Speaker 1: by the end of the year, I'm gone. Those are

467
00:20:32,560 --> 00:20:37,040
Speaker 1: two different things because one's a threat and the other

468
00:20:37,119 --> 00:20:37,919
Speaker 1: is an expression.

469
00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:42,520
Speaker 3: But the thing is, it's we're not talking about We're

470
00:20:42,520 --> 00:20:46,119
Speaker 3: talking about a major life goal and a major life situation,

471
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:49,480
Speaker 3: and you're giving somebody time to make a decision.

472
00:20:50,280 --> 00:20:53,000
Speaker 1: But you're not in an ultimatum. In an ultimatum, you're

473
00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:56,119
Speaker 1: saying it's this or that if I express my need,

474
00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:57,080
Speaker 1: and you don't need to a.

475
00:20:57,000 --> 00:21:00,879
Speaker 3: Mixing of I think it's a mixing of intertations of

476
00:21:00,920 --> 00:21:03,159
Speaker 3: what is being said and how it's being said. But

477
00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:07,080
Speaker 3: it is extremely important in a dating situation to say

478
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:09,560
Speaker 3: this is my need, this is my wife.

479
00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:10,119
Speaker 1: I agree with you.

480
00:21:10,119 --> 00:21:12,399
Speaker 3: Well, I am dating I think I agree with you.

481
00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:13,800
Speaker 3: It's really going on here.

482
00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:17,159
Speaker 1: Yeah. No, this guy's not being given an ultimatum. No, no, no.

483
00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:20,040
Speaker 1: An ultimatum is separate from this. He's this isn't a

484
00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:23,480
Speaker 1: conversation they're having. I'm saying I don't like an ultimatum.

485
00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:26,000
Speaker 1: I don't like an ultimatum in any situation. And you

486
00:21:26,040 --> 00:21:28,159
Speaker 1: hear about it sometimes, like the woman who called earlier

487
00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:30,000
Speaker 1: and said if you don't marry me by the end

488
00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:32,920
Speaker 1: of the year, I'm gone. I don't like that. That's pressure,

489
00:21:33,040 --> 00:21:33,919
Speaker 1: that's what it's a man though.

490
00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:34,919
Speaker 7: I think that's the choice.

491
00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:36,680
Speaker 1: You're giving them the choice. Are you in it? Are

492
00:21:36,680 --> 00:21:37,560
Speaker 1: you out right?

493
00:21:37,840 --> 00:21:38,960
Speaker 3: Like? How exactly?

494
00:21:39,240 --> 00:21:41,600
Speaker 1: That's not why I just say, hey, look, I would

495
00:21:41,640 --> 00:21:43,119
Speaker 1: like to be married to you. I need to be

496
00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:44,960
Speaker 1: married to you soon, you know, or I need to

497
00:21:45,359 --> 00:21:47,440
Speaker 1: I don't know. It's just if you don't or else.

498
00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:52,080
Speaker 3: Nobody it's articulated. Nobody is an articulate. If you Fred,

499
00:21:52,119 --> 00:21:54,280
Speaker 3: you're like one of the most articulate people in the world. Oh,

500
00:21:55,280 --> 00:21:59,440
Speaker 3: Joso say it average. The average people will not say

501
00:21:59,480 --> 00:21:59,960
Speaker 3: it that way.

502
00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:04,320
Speaker 1: Yeah, well the other way. And I respect your perspective

503
00:22:04,359 --> 00:22:06,320
Speaker 1: as a mental health cancer. It's just a threat for me.

504
00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:08,439
Speaker 1: The threat is dangerous and I don't like it, and

505
00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:11,399
Speaker 1: I don't think it's the right way because I feel you're.

506
00:22:13,040 --> 00:22:14,119
Speaker 3: Threat I am I.

507
00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:19,879
Speaker 1: Want wants to be written in any context though nobody

508
00:22:19,920 --> 00:22:20,600
Speaker 1: wants to be threatened.

509
00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:21,960
Speaker 6: But you got to tell him it's not a threat.

510
00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:27,760
Speaker 1: It's a promise to Jane. I appreciate you, thank you

511
00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:30,280
Speaker 1: for calling. I have a good day. No, I hear

512
00:22:30,320 --> 00:22:32,119
Speaker 1: what she's saying. I just don't want I don't want

513
00:22:32,200 --> 00:22:35,000
Speaker 1: to be confused. Absolutely express what's important to you