Speaker 1: Did you realize that I did upon job? John bon
Speaker 1: Jovi quote, just then, No, it's my life. It's now ormember.
Speaker 1: I'm I ain't gonna god, how did I miss that?
Speaker 1: Where can I hand in my jersey card? Jesus more Better,
Speaker 1: More Better? Just for posterity reasons, I want on the
Speaker 1: recording for everyone to know that our producer Isis didn't
Speaker 1: hit record and I did like probably the greatest intro
Speaker 1: that I've ever done on anything ever. It was so clean.
Speaker 1: I sounded so profreshed. Anyway, this is More Better, a
Speaker 1: podcast where we stop pretending to try to have it
Speaker 1: all together. You know what you're listening to. It's us
Speaker 1: trying to be better at life. That's so Romo laughing
Speaker 1: in the background, and that is Stephanie Beatrice. Hey, y'all,
Speaker 1: I'm just drinking my coffee. Sorry, you're in rare form today.
Speaker 1: I really am. This is what we got. Here's my
Speaker 1: life hack for those of you don't that have trouble
Speaker 1: working out in the morning. I did it. I bought
Speaker 1: myself a tiny little espresso maker. It's one of those
Speaker 1: little boopy doo You just press them in the boot
Speaker 1: bump bump, and then you're done, and I have a
Speaker 1: shot of espresso at seven am, and then I walk
Speaker 1: my ass downstairs to the basement and fucking work out
Speaker 1: yep yah, and so then I have my regular coffee later,
Speaker 1: which is why I am in rear form right now. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I like it. I hate that little No, I'm the
Speaker 1: same sometimes I am. If I'm I'm going our setup
Speaker 1: is in the garage, or even if I'm going to
Speaker 1: a class, I just I do this thing where I
Speaker 1: almost like try to turn my brain off. I don't
Speaker 1: think about where I'm going. I just am like, put
Speaker 1: one foot in front of the other, bitch, drink your coffee,
Speaker 1: get in the car, and then you will get there
Speaker 1: and you will have no choice. You have no choice
Speaker 1: because you are just there and you will do the thing.
Speaker 1: Maybe you'll do it well today, maybe you won't, but
Speaker 1: you did it. You did it. That's why I think
Speaker 1: a lot of the time. Why it's my workout closer
Speaker 1: and the drawer and they're like all everything's together, like
Speaker 1: the socks are right above where the pants are and
Speaker 1: the bras are and it's just grab, grab, don't think,
Speaker 1: go downstairs, Like I don't have to think because if
Speaker 1: I have to think about trying to do it. It's
Speaker 1: not gonna happen because I have to think twice. I
Speaker 1: mean I had to think twice this month. I was
Speaker 1: like I want to and Brad was like, you better
Speaker 1: do it. You're gonna be sad that you didn't do it. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 1: The workout closes is another one too. Sometimes I'll just
Speaker 1: put workout clothes on to go drop the kids off,
Speaker 1: and then there's something about having the outfit on that
Speaker 1: where I'm like, well, no, I gotta do it. I
Speaker 1: gotta do it. Yeah, otherwise I gotta get dressed. I'm
Speaker 1: off actually, so if I put them on and then
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, work out later, I never do. Oh,
Speaker 1: I'm just like I just I'm like living at my
Speaker 1: ladies ladies who lunch moment and I'm like, I don't know,
Speaker 1: I'm just like running errands and my yoga pants, you know,
Speaker 1: like I can't I have to do I have to
Speaker 1: do it first. I have to do it first thing
Speaker 1: otherwise it's not gonna happen. Or I can sign up
Speaker 1: for a class like in the evening or something, but oh,
Speaker 1: that's my favorite, Like signing up for the class and
Speaker 1: then you know, you spend the money. Yeah, and you're like,
Speaker 1: now I have to go. Two days ago, I was
Speaker 1: sitting in our front yard and uh so nice outside
Speaker 1: of sitting in our front yard and Brad and Ross
Speaker 1: came out and Brad handed me in Appearl sprits and
Speaker 1: I was like, oh my god, it was so I
Speaker 1: did it. And then I was like shit because I
Speaker 1: signed up for You're like the epsy doodle that was.
Speaker 1: That did kind of suck because I was like, dang,
Speaker 1: I can't go now, like, yeah, what we're gonna do?
Speaker 1: I can't I mean not drink your approls. Yeah, in
Speaker 1: the beautiful day and Friday, think about it until like
Speaker 1: halfway through the approl sprits, you know, oh yeah yeah,
Speaker 1: and it's over. It's over. Yeah, It's okay, you're human.
Speaker 1: It's fine, I'm human. What have you done lately? That's
Speaker 1: more better. I guess we just talked about it, honestly, yeah,
Speaker 1: kind of you know. I are you working on in
Speaker 1: the ATL are you doing? Do people call it this?
Speaker 1: Does everyone just hate me for calling it this? I
Speaker 1: don't know. I haven't been here long enough. I don't
Speaker 1: think people say ATL. Nobody calls it that that's so dumb. Ya,
Speaker 1: that's the air, that's very the atl. What am I doing?
Speaker 1: What is the I don't know, how's it going in
Speaker 1: the lax yi yike. I was on a really good
Speaker 1: run of working out and then was working a lot,
Speaker 1: and it just it hasn't really happened in uh, probably
Speaker 1: more than two weeks, which sucks because that means, first
Speaker 1: of all, there's that fun thing where you get like
Speaker 1: I get like achy and like little pains when I'm
Speaker 1: not working out. I don't know what that's about. Is
Speaker 1: it just like getting older or is it like because
Speaker 1: you've been working out and then your body gets used
Speaker 1: to I don't know. I don't know, but my knee's
Speaker 1: hurt and yeah cool. And then I just know that
Speaker 1: whenever I do work out, it's going to suck so bad. Yeah,
Speaker 1: those first few workouts and uh, and then you just
Speaker 1: have to like push through and you feel like you're
Speaker 1: starting over and you're like more sore, even though you're like,
Speaker 1: all I did was a fucking squat, not even multiple squats.
Speaker 1: I did a squat, and now I can't walk and
Speaker 1: you feel bad about yourself and it fucking sucks. And
Speaker 1: then you just have to like push through that phase.
Speaker 1: And so like that's where I am now, Like I
Speaker 1: just know that that is uh where I am headed.
Speaker 1: Whenever I well, next week, I have some time. I'm
Speaker 1: next week, so I know I'm going to work out
Speaker 1: next week and it's gonna suck. It's gonna suck. What
Speaker 1: if you had acceptance of the suckage, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean, radical acceptance of the suckage. Yes, you just
Speaker 1: have to sort of go, okay, this is what I mean,
Speaker 1: Like if you want, because I straight up will resist.
Speaker 1: I'll be like, oh no, it's going to be so hard.
Speaker 1: It's going to be And then like three weeks have
Speaker 1: passed by. That's where I'm at right now. Because I
Speaker 1: was like in my closet trying on clothes and I
Speaker 1: was like, this skirt doesn't fit. I don't understand, Like
Speaker 1: I guess this up in the same way. I mean,
Speaker 1: I got it on, but it didn't it wasn't giving
Speaker 1: what I wanted it to give. So I was like,
Speaker 1: what is going on? How could this be? And I
Speaker 1: was like it's because I haven't been waking out at all.
Speaker 1: I was like not doing anything. So you know, that
Speaker 1: combined with like a sedentary lifestyle. It's probably gonna change.
Speaker 1: It's going to happen. You know it's going to happen.
Speaker 1: But yeah, I don't today. Yeah, I just had to
Speaker 1: sort of go whoa, yeah, okay, like, let's do this
Speaker 1: more better? Why why would I have done anything more better?
Speaker 1: I'm just hanging out in my house. I mean it's
Speaker 1: been nice. I've got therapy, you know, Like, listen, you
Speaker 1: have earned a RESTful period, a RESTful season, and you
Speaker 1: are making the most of it. And I think that
Speaker 1: that's amazing. I am making the most of it. Ish Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean, listen, have ever did I buy three thirty
Speaker 1: inch necklaces off of atsy yesterday because they were each
Speaker 1: price to twenty dollars? Yes? I did making the most
Speaker 1: of it. I made the most of it. I'm going
Speaker 1: on a tangent. Guys, Come on, this is three technically
Speaker 1: this is a third espresso, so more better? What are
Speaker 1: we talking about today? We are talking about something a
Speaker 1: little heavy. It comes from a listener. We'll see, We'll see,
Speaker 1: John accept it. Today's topic comes from a listener. And
Speaker 1: as a reminder, if you listeners out there, whoever you
Speaker 1: may be, need help with something in your life or
Speaker 1: you have an idea for us. Please send us an
Speaker 1: email at Morebetter Pod at gmail dot com. You can
Speaker 1: include a voice note and we will feature it on
Speaker 1: the pod. And today we have an email. Shall I
Speaker 1: read it? Yes? Read it? Okay? It is from Rachel, Hi, Stephanie,
Speaker 1: Melissa and team. I've really enjoyed the More Better podcast,
Speaker 1: so thank you all for your hard work. I have
Speaker 1: a question I've been mulling over for a while and
Speaker 1: would love any advice or even just shared stories some
Speaker 1: context for you. My husband and I just got married
Speaker 1: in October twenty twenty four, which was amazing Corets, congrats.
Speaker 1: We had been together for about six years before getting married,
Speaker 1: and we lived together for two years as well. Fairy sound.
Speaker 1: I am white and my husband is Indian. Born in
Speaker 1: India but grew up in the US. From the start
Speaker 1: of our relationship, my parents had always been pretty chill
Speaker 1: about cultural and religious differences and quickly came to love him.
Speaker 1: His parents were not thrilled with me being white and Christian,
Speaker 1: but came to love and accept me as well. We
Speaker 1: planned our wedding to honor both cultures, with two different
Speaker 1: ceremonies and including different traditions from both sides, gorgeous cool.
Speaker 1: My family had been relatively hands off during a wedding process,
Speaker 1: and I perceived them as being laid back about everything
Speaker 1: until just two days before my wedding. Oh God, I'm scared.
Speaker 1: My parents expressed fears over our combined wedding and how
Speaker 1: I seem to be quote losing myself and my faith
Speaker 1: because we were doing a lot of traditional Hindu rituals
Speaker 1: as well. Oh my Okay, needless to say, this horribly
Speaker 1: upset me. Of course it did, and I felt extremely
Speaker 1: betrayed by this sudden opinion. I feel like it came
Speaker 1: from them being uncomfortable and avoiding it since we planned
Speaker 1: the wedding for over a year and did not hide
Speaker 1: anything totally. Yeah, trying to keep a long story short ish.
Speaker 1: All the wedding festivities went beautifully and both families had
Speaker 1: an amazing time. However, months after, I'm still processing and
Speaker 1: working through the hurt that came right before we got married.
Speaker 1: So with this backstory, my question is, how do you
Speaker 1: handle sharing parts of your culture or loved ones, culture, beliefs,
Speaker 1: et cetera with those outside of it. Any advice for
Speaker 1: navigating multicultural families or friend groups. How to handle criticism
Speaker 1: with it. Thank you for taking the time to read this, Rachel. Ooh, Rachel,
Speaker 1: how to handle criticism with it? You could just be like,
Speaker 1: don't be still closed minded, you fucking closed minded. Button.
Speaker 1: That's dialogue, though, don't do that out loud. Don't do
Speaker 1: that out loud. Yeah, so sucks. Sucks. My heart goes
Speaker 1: out to Rachel. That's a really tough thing. I'm so
Speaker 1: sorry your family sprung that on you two days before
Speaker 1: your wedding, which, you know what, I feel like that's
Speaker 1: always the case though, like not just with this topic,
Speaker 1: but like anytime particularly, I don't know what weddings do
Speaker 1: to parents. They will like sit on their opinion, sit
Speaker 1: on their opinions until they become like they burst right
Speaker 1: before the wedding like a boil, like a yackfle And
Speaker 1: then you're just like, what the fuck?
Speaker 2: First of all, this is not your wedding, it's out wedding.
Speaker 2: And second of all, why don't you say this shit
Speaker 2: to begin with? This is a lesson, and don't keep
Speaker 2: shit inside.
Speaker 1: Say what you think or feel in a nice, appropriate,
Speaker 1: empathetic way, because you're supposed to be my family Damn,
Speaker 1: I am in a marriage where my family is Bolivian
Speaker 1: and Colombian and my husband's family is not, but they are.
Speaker 1: I think he's like, I don't know, the dnahs is hilarious.
Speaker 1: It's like one hundred percent European, you know. But you know,
Speaker 1: there's different kinds of people have different reactions to being
Speaker 1: introduced to new cultures. I think one of the cool
Speaker 1: things about having a kid is that, uh, I can
Speaker 1: see how heavy my influence kind of lands with my kids.
Speaker 1: You know, the things that I say and how I
Speaker 1: am around her inform how she feels about the world too,
Speaker 1: because like at this point, I'm her hero, you know, Like, right,
Speaker 1: they listen to everything that we say. You know, however
Speaker 1: you're parents feel about your husband, and however his parents
Speaker 1: felt about you, they each did a good enough job
Speaker 1: of raising two people that like, we're interested and curious
Speaker 1: about the world and fell in love with someone that
Speaker 1: was unlike themselves, and yeah, and like you should put
Speaker 1: yourself on the back about that, right, you know, Like
Speaker 1: you and Ross are in love? And did you like
Speaker 1: that that I named him Ross? Just then I was like, wait, Nan,
Speaker 1: you and Ross are deeply in love, and yeah, I mean,
Speaker 1: this is such a hard question because, like you know,
Speaker 1: in my experience, most of the time, people are pretty
Speaker 1: interested and open, but have some fear, you know, because
Speaker 1: it's being introduced to cultures that are not like yourself.
Speaker 1: Your can be like, yes, what's this going to be?
Speaker 1: I'm not used to it. I don't know what it is,
Speaker 1: you know, Yes, I don't know where this lands. Like
Speaker 1: I don't I've never had an experience like this before.
Speaker 1: I'm a little nervous or worried or like I don't
Speaker 1: know how to be, you know. And the less you've
Speaker 1: been exposed to different cultures in your own life, the
Speaker 1: more fear you're going to have about it. So like, yeah,
Speaker 1: you know, if the only exposure you have to other
Speaker 1: cultures is going out to eat at different kinds of restaurants, like,
Speaker 1: that's gonna be hard for you when you get to
Speaker 1: a wedding that is very, very different culturally than your own.
Speaker 1: I just yeah, like it's hard because like it sounds
Speaker 1: like what happened is they had a bunch of feelings
Speaker 1: and then they like busted out with them two days
Speaker 1: before the wedding. All you can continue to do and
Speaker 1: it sounds like everybody had fun at the wedding. So like,
Speaker 1: all you can continue to do is slowly gently foster
Speaker 1: a environment in which when your husband's uh, culture and
Speaker 1: and like traditions. Yeah, parts of that are like involved.
Speaker 1: You can choose which way to go about it, right,
Speaker 1: Like if you you can choose to be it sucks
Speaker 1: because it lands on you, right, Like it's going to
Speaker 1: be like a little bit more emotional labor for Rachel. Yes,
Speaker 1: this is what this is, and this is what this is,
Speaker 1: and here's some you know, like here's some explanations of this,
Speaker 1: and like I want you know, like and this is
Speaker 1: why I like this, and this is what I how
Speaker 1: it's important to it and why we we think it's
Speaker 1: important to include in our life for our children's life.
Speaker 1: And yeah, and just like hold their hand a little bit. Maybe, Yeah,
Speaker 1: the hand holding is restrating because you want to be like,
Speaker 1: what the fuck? The Internet's right there, you guys, But
Speaker 1: can you do some of this work? You can you
Speaker 1: utilize Google a little bit? Yeah, the handholding it also
Speaker 1: does make it personal. So in my experience with for example,
Speaker 1: some of my husband's family, they've been really curious and
Speaker 1: they just don't know and so when I talk about it,
Speaker 1: it's fun for them to be, you know, interested, They're interested,
Speaker 1: they want to know more. They have like, they have questions.
Speaker 1: Some of their questions are hilarious, but I try to
Speaker 1: answer them as best I can, you know, even you know,
Speaker 1: I think the more that you can accept that they're
Speaker 1: trying it sounds like they're trying, the more that you
Speaker 1: can come at them with like a less frustrated, more
Speaker 1: kind of like open. But at the same time, it's like,
Speaker 1: you know, some of your parents maybe prejudices are showing
Speaker 1: through if they're saying things like we're afraid we're gonna
Speaker 1: lose you, We're afraid we're gonna you know, like, depending
Speaker 1: on certain people's religions, it can feel like a battle
Speaker 1: for somebody's soul to be like, oh no, you have
Speaker 1: to be a practicing xyz, you know, and that can
Speaker 1: get really tricky and sticky. And I don't really have
Speaker 1: any advice about that because I don't practice a specific religion.
Speaker 1: So yeah, I don't know, do you. I don't even know,
Speaker 1: do you You're not like I don't know. No, we
Speaker 1: don't really practice. We have religious traditions that we love,
Speaker 1: but yeah, yes, yeah, spiritual perhaps, but I've definitely seen
Speaker 1: that dynamic with some Jewish friends I have that have
Speaker 1: married non Jewish people, and it, you know, can be tricky.
Speaker 1: And some of them celebrate both Christian holidays and Jewish
Speaker 1: holidays and sort of do like a combined thing, and
Speaker 1: some have just fully converted, and you know, I think, yeah,
Speaker 1: the religious part can be really tricky. And ultimately though,
Speaker 1: like since you and Ross got married, you this is
Speaker 1: the start of your family, yeah, and it is a
Speaker 1: blended family and outside of and it can be hard
Speaker 1: and tricky, but you two will decide together what your
Speaker 1: combined life and culture and traditions are going to look
Speaker 1: like and what makes sense for you, and people are
Speaker 1: gonna have fucking opinions about it, and you know, and
Speaker 1: it's we're not here to today like that's gonna be easy,
Speaker 1: Like it's not, you know, I'm sure it's gonna be
Speaker 1: tough at times, particularly if there's any traditions you choose
Speaker 1: to not do anymore or engage in or replace maybe
Speaker 1: with some that you connect with more from your husband's side. Like,
Speaker 1: however it all lays out, I think boundaries kind of
Speaker 1: come into play here, and like reminding yourself that this
Speaker 1: is especially if you have kids, like this is, or
Speaker 1: even if you don't have kids, this is your new
Speaker 1: family unit, right, and it's your new life and it's
Speaker 1: how you want it to look and be and and
Speaker 1: you know it's hey, and that's okay, and you can
Speaker 1: still have empathy for your families and their opinions. But
Speaker 1: then eventually you have to get to the point where
Speaker 1: it's like I hear you, I empathize, I'm sorry you're upset,
Speaker 1: but this is our life. It's my life. It's now
Speaker 1: or ever. I ain't gonna live forever. This is my life.
Speaker 1: This is how yeah, this this is how we want
Speaker 1: to live our life. And these are the things that
Speaker 1: we want to include in our life. And that just
Speaker 1: you know, it is what it is. And you know,
Speaker 1: there's lots of families I think that have to navigate that,
Speaker 1: and hopefully everyone will come to a place where you know,
Speaker 1: they see the value in it, especially like if they
Speaker 1: see you happy, they see you guys happy and you
Speaker 1: have a happy life, hopefully they are open and love
Speaker 1: you enough to see that you're doing what's best for
Speaker 1: you and your family. Did you realize that I did
Speaker 1: a bon Jovi John bon Jovi quote just son, No,
Speaker 1: it's my life. It's now or never. I'm gonna god,
Speaker 1: how did I miss that? Can I hand in my
Speaker 1: jersey card? Jesus? I can't sing it, you guys, because
Speaker 1: we'll have to pay sorry to the State of New Jersey,
Speaker 1: r Jersey girl, and to bon Jovi for not clocking that.
Speaker 1: Oh God, I'm embarrassed or better. I think part of this,
Speaker 1: like especially with marriages and people making their new family. Yes,
Speaker 1: it's like some families do have a and this is
Speaker 1: like across the board and lots of different cultures, they
Speaker 1: have a sort of like you owe it to us
Speaker 1: to live your life the way that we've taught you,
Speaker 1: you know, right, And that's harry on the family, the
Speaker 1: way we built the family. And it's very tricky, right,
Speaker 1: Like I mean, tricky is not the word that I
Speaker 1: want to use, but I don't know what word to use.
Speaker 1: It's fucking frustrating, and like you've got to decide whether
Speaker 1: or not you're going to do that, whether you're going
Speaker 1: to say, yes, my parents have ultimate control of my marriage,
Speaker 1: or if you're going to say no, that's not okay
Speaker 1: for me, you know. And and I don't know what
Speaker 1: it sounds like. It sounds like, you know, Rachel and Ross,
Speaker 1: what you want out of your lives, Like you guys
Speaker 1: met each other, and even though his parents at first
Speaker 1: were like you guys were like, we're getting married, we
Speaker 1: love each other. For some people, it's more complex than that.
Speaker 1: It might be more challenging than that. I will say,
Speaker 1: I'm certainly I know people that are estranged from their
Speaker 1: families because of it, you know, and that's really really tough.
Speaker 1: But those are the choices that you ultimately have to make,
Speaker 1: because I think if you want to be the kind
Speaker 1: of person that is that you describe yourself as, like
Speaker 1: I'm open minded, I want to learn about the world,
Speaker 1: I want to learn about different cultures, I want to
Speaker 1: learn about this kind of stuff. Like, then that's a
Speaker 1: that's you get to choose that for your life. And
Speaker 1: there's some people that don't want that, you know, Like
Speaker 1: we're seeing it more and more all over the world
Speaker 1: right now. They're like, it's my way or the highway,
Speaker 1: it's this way, and everybody else's way is wrong, which
Speaker 1: I don't really understand because, like you know, if you
Speaker 1: look at historically the history of people on the planet.
Speaker 1: That's just not how we do it. We don't really
Speaker 1: do it like that. So trying to fit a square
Speaker 1: peg in a round hole is a bit strange in
Speaker 1: that way. I think if you're a listener of this podcast,
Speaker 1: you probably skew kind of like open minded if you're
Speaker 1: at this point in the podcast and you don't I
Speaker 1: don't really know why you're hanging around, but maybe like
Speaker 1: the sounds of our voices, what can we do? Maybe
Speaker 1: they're melodious. I just feel like there's and there's lots
Speaker 1: of ways to integrate two different cultures, three different cultures,
Speaker 1: four different cultures in your family, right, Like there's ways
Speaker 1: of of like you know, choosing picking and choosing like
Speaker 1: what you want to celebrate how you want to. I mean,
Speaker 1: like listen, we are not My family is not pagan.
Speaker 1: But there's some cool like pagan winter Solstice things that
Speaker 1: we did this year because I thought they were really
Speaker 1: interesting for Roz to hear about, like the wheel of
Speaker 1: time and like my stuff that I don't really know about,
Speaker 1: but I wanted to introduce the ideas to her a
Speaker 1: little bit, and like you know, just sort of like
Speaker 1: learning about like where religious holidays come from. And like
Speaker 1: how they've evolved over the years and listen choose three,
Speaker 1: So like it was like Chapin's books, you know, and
Speaker 1: me looking at books too, and you know, I'm fascinated
Speaker 1: and interested in different cultures and how they celebrate and
Speaker 1: like how how like different cultures have echoes of similar
Speaker 1: things in you know, there's so many For example, there's
Speaker 1: so many winter ish around wintertime celebrations that had to
Speaker 1: with light and light coming back, like going away, the
Speaker 1: celebration of light, what light means, like human beings are
Speaker 1: all we're also connected. And I don't know, I just
Speaker 1: think like the finding the similarities and different kinds of
Speaker 1: cultures can be interesting too. That could be maybe a
Speaker 1: way to kind of like attack it with family that's
Speaker 1: like what is this? I don't know what this is?
Speaker 1: You know? Oh yeah, yeah. And I have to wonder too,
Speaker 1: like going back to their reaction a couple of days
Speaker 1: before the wedding, kind of off of what you said, Stephanie,
Speaker 1: is a little bit I have to wonder too if
Speaker 1: it's maybe just more that feeling of being uncomfortable and
Speaker 1: maybe it was more projection, Maybe it was more about
Speaker 1: them than it actually is about you. Know, you know,
Speaker 1: it always is right. Like I can remember, you know,
Speaker 1: first time I was at like a cultural wedding and
Speaker 1: feeling like, oh am I going to mess up? Oh
Speaker 1: I don't know the dances or I don't know what
Speaker 1: comes next, and everyone else seems too and it's uncomfortable.
Speaker 1: And it's really easy to go to a place because
Speaker 1: you're a human being of like I don't like this,
Speaker 1: I don't you know, like why why do they have
Speaker 1: to do this? But that's just like resistance, you know,
Speaker 1: that's just like being uncomfortable, and it can be hard
Speaker 1: sometimes to just like, oh, nobody wants to be uncomfortable.
Speaker 1: Nobody wants to be uncomfortable. Humanity are like constantly avoiding
Speaker 1: any kind of still avoiding that, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: And so maybe that was about like are they gonna
Speaker 1: look dumb, you know, and some of the more traditional
Speaker 1: Indian aspects of the wedding and are they going to
Speaker 1: mess up? Or are they going to do the wrong thing?
Speaker 1: And like maybe it was about that, you know, to
Speaker 1: give them the benefit of the doubt and like maybe
Speaker 1: or maybe they'd always imagined you know you and some
Speaker 1: kind of like rightific church setting and now they're not
Speaker 1: getting exactly what they want and they can't kind of
Speaker 1: they have to come to deal with it, yes, and
Speaker 1: they have to like rewire the image and their brains
Speaker 1: and like, Okay, it's gonna look like this, And off
Speaker 1: topic just for a second, though, I have always wanted
Speaker 1: to go to a fucking Indian wedding. They look so
Speaker 1: bomb and so fun. South Asian parties period are just
Speaker 1: the best and greatest parties. I don't know what it is.
Speaker 1: I just I really the color, it's so beautiful. It's
Speaker 1: like anyways, that was just a side tangent side. Do
Speaker 1: you want to invite me to your You're beautiful? Glorious?
Speaker 1: You're beautiful glorious? I was. When I got married. My
Speaker 1: mom was like, well, you're not going to do it
Speaker 1: in a church and I was like no. She's like,
Speaker 1: why you're not gonna have a priest and I was like, no,
Speaker 1: we don't. We don't practice, Like, yeah, we're not, We're
Speaker 1: not doing that, and like she had a hard time
Speaker 1: with that. She had a really hard time with it,
Speaker 1: you know at first. Yeah, So sometimes it really is
Speaker 1: just like your parents having these expectations or dreams of
Speaker 1: you know, they've been around you since you were little,
Speaker 1: and they sure this day many time about it, you know,
Speaker 1: particularly with girls. Yeah, and it's true. It's it's really like,
Speaker 1: it can be challenging to let go of your own
Speaker 1: expectations of your children as a mother. And she's only three,
Speaker 1: so you know, you're a grown person. It can be
Speaker 1: challenging for my mom to let go of expectations of me.
Speaker 1: And I'm a grown, grown, grown person, you know, and
Speaker 1: she still thinks of me as like a ten year old.
Speaker 1: My sister is an eight year old, you know. So
Speaker 1: there's a it's a fine line between like cutting them
Speaker 1: some slack and also knowing when to be like whoa bro? No,
Speaker 1: like not that's sokay, prejudice, you're not opening your mind.
Speaker 1: I need you to do harder work because you're going
Speaker 1: to lose our relationship. You know. I'm not saying like
Speaker 1: to make threats or anything, but I do think it's like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I think calling about yeah, bulling them in. And you know,
Speaker 1: everyone's like family's everything, family has everything, and family is everything.
Speaker 1: Family is so special. But that doesn't mean family can
Speaker 1: do anything exactly, you know, that part, that part, it
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that they can't treat you badly. They can't
Speaker 1: manipulate you into They shouldn't manipulate you into doing what
Speaker 1: they want. You're not an extension of your parents. You're
Speaker 1: your own person. You're your own person. You're not an
Speaker 1: extension of your parents. And I think particularly for people
Speaker 1: that you know are coming into their own and being
Speaker 1: grown ups now, I think I don't think that their
Speaker 1: parents knew that, right. I think everybody thought, oh, well,
Speaker 1: my kid is a little me, you know, an extension
Speaker 1: of me. And yeah, it really is like a newer concept.
Speaker 1: I think of trying to parent from a place of
Speaker 1: thinking of our childre and as their own individuals and
Speaker 1: their own people, and that really our jobs as parents
Speaker 1: are to get to know them. Yeah, steward steward them
Speaker 1: through life. But it's not our lives, not at all.
Speaker 1: I mean, I will say, like, isis our producer. I
Speaker 1: just sent us this article from very well mind that
Speaker 1: is about how when your parents disapprove of your marriage,
Speaker 1: not saying that yours due, but because we're talking about
Speaker 1: this kind of stuff, it can be really challenging and
Speaker 1: it can take a toll on your marriage, Like it
Speaker 1: could be really tricky. That's stupid word. But the article
Speaker 1: is really cool because like the main points in it are, like,
Speaker 1: help your parents get to know your partner, consider counseling,
Speaker 1: Like that's something to consider, right, Like if they're open
Speaker 1: to it, plan for the future, like you can, you know,
Speaker 1: like if there is a wedge between your parents and
Speaker 1: your like maybe you don't force your spouse to go
Speaker 1: with you to events that are more of your family
Speaker 1: and you know they are going to be like hard
Speaker 1: on your spouse. You know, I'm not saying that this
Speaker 1: is Rachel and Ross's experience because but maybe it's Monica
Speaker 1: and Chandler's. I don't know, you know, like I would say,
Speaker 1: I think that this is the quote that I thought
Speaker 1: was really cool from this article. Don't allow your parents'
Speaker 1: reservations to destroy your relationship with your fiance or spouse.
Speaker 1: Studies show the parental disapproval of a spouse can create distrust, criticism,
Speaker 1: and conflict in a marriage. But it can and also
Speaker 1: can be a reoccurring topic of your arguments that can
Speaker 1: drive a wedge between you both if that happens. Considered
Speaker 1: seeing a marriage counselor. I think it's really important to
Speaker 1: talk about this stuff with your partner, even though it
Speaker 1: might be like and you guys, obviously they have it,
Speaker 1: sounds like, but continuing that conversation as you're marriage goes
Speaker 1: along as your parents, both both of you as your parents' age,
Speaker 1: and continuing to talk about, like how you want to
Speaker 1: integrate both of your cultures so that both of you
Speaker 1: feel seen in the relationship is really important, you know,
Speaker 1: Like I spend so much time in my childhood and
Speaker 1: adolescents assimilating and now as an adult, I really really
Speaker 1: desire a connection to much more of my own Latini dad,
Speaker 1: because I want my daughter to have access to it
Speaker 1: in a way that feels not like she's having to
Speaker 1: necessarily pick up a book and read about it, but
Speaker 1: that she has memories and experiences from holidays that's a
Speaker 1: part of her life. That's a part of her life. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's part of her you know. And like, and some
Speaker 1: of those aren't necessarily my own cultural traditions, but that
Speaker 1: I've adopted because I'm LEATINGO in the United States, and
Speaker 1: I want, you know, I want her to celebrate the
Speaker 1: little Mortals and I think it's a really beautiful holiday,
Speaker 1: and like that's important saying and yeah, she is she
Speaker 1: recognizes now that that's coming, and she's excited about it
Speaker 1: and wants to like be a part of it. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I think the other uh sorry, tricky thing and this
Speaker 1: in some of these family dynamics too, is also finding
Speaker 1: the moments like yes, having complete open communication with your spouse,
Speaker 1: but also being careful to not become the thing that's
Speaker 1: like between your spouse and their parents, you know, like
Speaker 1: I mean, well that can try, but yeah, so it can. Well,
Speaker 1: I think it can be some You know, if your
Speaker 1: mother in law you know, says something where to you,
Speaker 1: you know, you might have to decide whether you just
Speaker 1: like keep that to yourself or share it with your husband,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, Like depends on your boundaries
Speaker 1: your own personally. I think it becomes to your own Yes,
Speaker 1: like where where obviously if the line is crossed, like yeah,
Speaker 1: to share that with your spouse, but but what's your line?
Speaker 1: But what's your line? You know? If it's just kind
Speaker 1: of like I didn't that bothered me? You know, you
Speaker 1: know you're gonna have to decide like the areas that
Speaker 1: you just like choose to deal with yourself. Yeah, as
Speaker 1: your own person and your own person married who is
Speaker 1: married to him, right, and the things that you let
Speaker 1: go or just kind of like I'm just gonna like
Speaker 1: push that. I'm not gonna give that any power. I'm
Speaker 1: not going to give that any you know space. It's
Speaker 1: a hard one. It can be a hard one. It
Speaker 1: can be, and then you know what to really bring
Speaker 1: because also I think it can get uh, unintentionally harder
Speaker 1: if you know you are creating even more at tension
Speaker 1: between your spouse and their parents too, Like that can be.
Speaker 1: That can be tricky to navigate like that dynamic because
Speaker 1: they have their whole relationship, their whole life, all the
Speaker 1: hardships they've been through. Sure, and you know, I think
Speaker 1: are you adding to the plate? You mean, yes, you know,
Speaker 1: are you adding to the plate? You know? And sometimes
Speaker 1: I think you have to be selective and thoughtful about
Speaker 1: what battles to choose. Totally makes sense. That's a good point.
Speaker 1: That's a good point. I mean, I would say, you know,
Speaker 1: if it's if it's about if it's just like about
Speaker 1: like you know, I don't know, normal in law kind
Speaker 1: of stuff, that's something right, right. If it's about well,
Speaker 1: it's about I don't want you teaching, you know, she
Speaker 1: should learn Spanish, you know, like because she's an American,
Speaker 1: which is like what you know, like, and I think
Speaker 1: like that that's uh, you know having I mean, speaking
Speaker 1: from personal experience, there's only so much like choking down
Speaker 1: that you should allow yourself to do. Yeah, some of
Speaker 1: that is just gnarly, right. I I have a friend
Speaker 1: who she's got a kid, and her kid loves hanging
Speaker 1: out with her cousins. But the cousin's parents are like
Speaker 1: pretty uh they're they can be very close minded about
Speaker 1: the way that little girls should should be allowed to dress,
Speaker 1: for example, And Okay, that's really difficult for my friend
Speaker 1: because as somebody who she just like is like lives
Speaker 1: in her own body and like it is like she
Speaker 1: kind of can't help that. She's like a babe and
Speaker 1: like she just is who she is. And she also
Speaker 1: doesn't project sexuality onto her child, you know, right, And
Speaker 1: this these family members kind of are like her shorts
Speaker 1: are too short, her shirt is too short, you know,
Speaker 1: like whatever, whatever, and it's like, uh, you know, that's
Speaker 1: a for them. It's like a religious difference in like
Speaker 1: how that particular family feels feels is okay, right, But
Speaker 1: for my friend, she's like, well, then I'm just going
Speaker 1: to take her out of that situation because like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm not going to have her for her, for her
Speaker 1: and her family, it's not it doesn't feel right to
Speaker 1: have her have to change the way she's freely dressing
Speaker 1: in the summer because of that, right cause she's a
Speaker 1: little girl, she's like kid. So yeah, you have to
Speaker 1: kind of like pick your battles, like you said, but
Speaker 1: you also like don't. I mean, I would encourage you
Speaker 1: not to bend over backwards because it does get worse.
Speaker 1: Meaning like it people will if you give them an inch,
Speaker 1: they'll take a mile, and so you do have to
Speaker 1: I'm really glad that Rachel went through with the wedding
Speaker 1: the way she wanted to go through with it, the
Speaker 1: way they wanted to. Ye. Yes, like, kudos to you.
Speaker 1: Pow yourself on the back. Yeah, because people will, they
Speaker 1: will stick their nose in and be like you should
Speaker 1: do it this way, you should be living this way.
Speaker 1: I don't like this, I don't want this. And if
Speaker 1: you give them an inch, they will take a mile
Speaker 1: and they'll be like, oh, well she listened to me
Speaker 1: about this. I wanted to listen to me about this
Speaker 1: other thing. Now, you know. And let's also before we
Speaker 1: wrap up talk about is just gave us also some
Speaker 1: great articles here about the benefits of biculturalism. Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: are so many. So there's one hear the Psychological impact
Speaker 1: of Biculturalism Evidence and theory. The alternation model, which means biculturalism,
Speaker 1: is a model that suggests that a person can become
Speaker 1: proficient into different cultures without having to sacrifice their original
Speaker 1: cultural identity or feel forced to choose one over the other,
Speaker 1: essentially allowing them to comfortably navigate both cultures depending on
Speaker 1: the situation. I love this quote because I feel like
Speaker 1: it just you know, I think that's so true. I
Speaker 1: think the more cultures were exposed to, the more people
Speaker 1: that are different from us, the more flexible, flexible, and
Speaker 1: proficient we can become. You can, you know, and don't
Speaker 1: you ultimately want that for your kid? You want them
Speaker 1: to be able to go into any room and be
Speaker 1: comfortable with the people that are there and not feel
Speaker 1: like out of place or you know, or be able
Speaker 1: to you know. This is where like the idea of
Speaker 1: code switching even comes from, you know, which is a
Speaker 1: lot of bicultural people sort of do annoying naturally, naturally right,
Speaker 1: It's like they just flow between different groups of people.
Speaker 1: And I think in that there's also a lot of
Speaker 1: open mindedness tolerance, right, Like we're just teaching you know,
Speaker 1: to kind of love everyone, right and like judge people
Speaker 1: based on like their character and their their actions or
Speaker 1: words rather than you know, all these ex external things.
Speaker 1: And so I think that there's a lot of benefits
Speaker 1: from multiculturalism or biculturalism that can come from your sort
Speaker 1: of blended family and like, what a beautiful experience if
Speaker 1: you choose to have kids, what you uh, what a
Speaker 1: beautiful experience in life you're going to give them, you know,
Speaker 1: and what a special person you're going to set out
Speaker 1: in the world when they're grown. I think also, you know,
Speaker 1: in terms of handling when people are critical, there's a
Speaker 1: lot of whisk go about it. To me, I always
Speaker 1: defer to humor, sure, but I think humor and honesty
Speaker 1: together is sort of like the most direct route. I
Speaker 1: feel like, like, uh, you know, if if somebody is
Speaker 1: saying something like really specifically to me prejudiced, then I
Speaker 1: give myself the aokay, the highest sign to be like
Speaker 1: yes to do it, Stephanie, And I'm like, WHOA, I
Speaker 1: do not think that means what you think it means.
Speaker 1: You know, we're some kind of like riff on, like whoa,
Speaker 1: I know you didn't mean to say it like that,
Speaker 1: and then dig a little deeper and see if they
Speaker 1: did mean to say it like that, and then it
Speaker 1: can become at least a back and forth at least
Speaker 1: some conversation happens. Yeah. Man, but like in terms of uh,
Speaker 1: you know, navigating multicultural families or friend groups, like like
Speaker 1: I don't know, like I'm I My default is always
Speaker 1: like listen, like mouth closed and eyes open and ears open,
Speaker 1: and like listen, like listen to people's experiences, Listen to
Speaker 1: how people are talking to each other, Listen to what
Speaker 1: the vibe is. Try to catch the vibe. You know,
Speaker 1: don't make it about you, make it about learning about them.
Speaker 1: You know. It's the same kind of thing that you
Speaker 1: were talking about Melissa about her parents possibly being nervous
Speaker 1: about the wedding. Yeah, it's like, well, then just use
Speaker 1: it as an opportunity, use this like hang out, use
Speaker 1: this moment to like learn And doesn't mean you're like
Speaker 1: taking notes necessarily, Yeah, but maybe in your head you
Speaker 1: are a little like see just learn see and like
Speaker 1: get to know these people as people, not just like
Speaker 1: a wash of like this culture, right, Like it's like
Speaker 1: individually like paying attention to like because you know, every
Speaker 1: family has its culture. Every family, like every unit of
Speaker 1: friends has its own culture, right like every everybody Like
Speaker 1: in my house, we take our shoes off, you know,
Speaker 1: Like yeah, there's little things that belong to every group
Speaker 1: that are signs of them being a group together, and
Speaker 1: you know, like trying to stay open to what they
Speaker 1: can teach you about themselves. So I think that's like
Speaker 1: kind of the fun of like you so like the
Speaker 1: fun of getting to know people and being alive, Like
Speaker 1: what are you doing? You're just like hanging on your
Speaker 1: house like just by yourself, like reading Mad magazine, Like
Speaker 1: no offense, Mad magazine, but you know what you what
Speaker 1: are you doing? What are you doing? Yeah? Yeah, and
Speaker 1: I yeah, I've always felt like I don't know, it
Speaker 1: makes my life every time I get to meet someone
Speaker 1: who's feels very different from me. I don't know, there's
Speaker 1: like growth in that, right, Like yeah, it's cool. It
Speaker 1: like fills fills your cup in a different way, makes
Speaker 1: your life a little fuller, you know, And it's just
Speaker 1: find I find those experiences and those encounters exciting, you know,
Speaker 1: And I don't know, maybe there's a way to have
Speaker 1: conversations with your parents, Rachel, where you can steer it
Speaker 1: more in that direction. You know, like, look at how
Speaker 1: exciting this is. Doesn't have to be scary or you know,
Speaker 1: just because it's different, Like it's you know, you would
Speaker 1: never have had this experience in your life, and now
Speaker 1: you're getting to have this whole new experience and it's
Speaker 1: not taking anything away, it's just adding. It's all adding, yeah,
Speaker 1: you know, and you know, keep keep it more about that. Wow,
Speaker 1: we solved it for you, Rachel and Ross. We fucking
Speaker 1: solved it. We solved we solved it. You're welcome, welcome.
Speaker 1: Look out for our bill. It'll be coming in the mail.
Speaker 1: More better, I feel like, I mean, I hope we
Speaker 1: gave her some solid me too advice. But that was hard,
Speaker 1: and like, yeah, it's hard. It's hard. Everybody's dealing with
Speaker 1: it in some way or another, you know. Yeah, yeah, friends, families,
Speaker 1: this is a real multicultural world, real multicultural country. Open
Speaker 1: yourself up or get left behind. Babe. Hey, I feel yeah,
Speaker 1: I feel a little bit more better. I was a
Speaker 1: little intimidated by this one. I don't know. It was
Speaker 1: kind of an interesting one to talk out though. It
Speaker 1: was something yeah that I've definitely encountered, but not necessarily
Speaker 1: I think unpacked or thought about a lot. I've about
Speaker 1: it a lot. I know you. And with that, dear listeners,
Speaker 1: we leave you thanks for thanks for tuning in. And
Speaker 1: like Mossa said, if you guys have questions that you
Speaker 1: want to ask us, or like topics you want to
Speaker 1: cover whatever, like, come on, maybe we'll do like a
Speaker 1: like an EPP words just listener questions and we'll just
Speaker 1: like yeah, fast, fasty fire those I love that idea.
Speaker 1: Oh okay, get ready for that one. Guys, see you
Speaker 1: next time. Bye bye, More More Better. Do you have
Speaker 1: something you'd like to be more better at that you
Speaker 1: want us to talk about in a future episode. Can
Speaker 1: you relate to our struggles or have you tried one
Speaker 1: of our tips and tricks? Shoot us your thoughts and
Speaker 1: ideas at Morebetter pod at gmail dot com and include
Speaker 1: a voice note if you want to be featured on
Speaker 1: the pod. Ooh More Better with Stephanie Melissa is a
Speaker 1: production from Wvsound and iHeartMedia's Mikutura podcast network hosted by Me,
Speaker 1: Stephanie Beatriz, and Melissa FUMERA More Better is produced by
Speaker 1: Isis Madrid and Sophie Spencer Zagos. Our executive producers are
Speaker 1: Wilmer Valderrama and Leo Klem at Wvsound. This episode was
Speaker 1: edited by Isis Madrid and engineered by Sean Tracy and
Speaker 1: features original music by Madison Davenport and Heylo Boy. Our
Speaker 1: cover art is by Vincent Remis and photography by Davis.
Speaker 1: For more podcasts from iHeart, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. See you
Speaker 1: next week, Sucker up, bye,