WEBVTT - Anxiety and Sexy Times 0:00:08.560 --> 0:00:11.400 This is the Anxiety Bites podcast and I am your host, 0:00:11.560 --> 0:00:18.439 Jen Kirkman. Welcome to another episode of Anxiety Bites. I 0:00:18.480 --> 0:00:22.239 am your host, Jen Kirkman, and today we are going 0:00:22.280 --> 0:00:27.319 to talk about sex, sex and anxiety. Well, actually my guest, 0:00:27.360 --> 0:00:30.080 Shan Boudrum is going to talk about sex. I'm going 0:00:30.160 --> 0:00:35.199 to ask the questions. Actually, these are questions that you 0:00:35.400 --> 0:00:40.240 asked me. And this is not necessarily from my listener emails. 0:00:40.280 --> 0:00:43.479 That's what I found so urgent about the questions in 0:00:43.479 --> 0:00:46.599 a way, because I did give out the email address 0:00:46.680 --> 0:00:49.840 to this podcast, Anxiety Bites Weekly at gmail dot com. 0:00:49.880 --> 0:00:52.920 Please send an email if you have any questions that 0:00:53.040 --> 0:00:57.000 you want solved, if you have any anxiety tips to 0:00:57.080 --> 0:01:01.160 give our listeners, send an email and I could read 0:01:01.160 --> 0:01:04.360 it on air. But before I even gave out that 0:01:04.440 --> 0:01:08.520 email address, I was getting d M s on my 0:01:08.600 --> 0:01:12.240 social media from people saying what what they wanted me 0:01:12.319 --> 0:01:15.319 to talk about on the podcast, topics that they hoped 0:01:15.360 --> 0:01:20.840 would be upcoming, And a few people were writing about 0:01:21.680 --> 0:01:24.480 their anxiety around sex. Somebody just wrote, I have anxiety 0:01:24.520 --> 0:01:27.480 around sex. Help. Usually I don't want to d m 0:01:28.040 --> 0:01:30.720 people like that back. You know, I just gathered the 0:01:30.760 --> 0:01:33.760 info and I'm paraphrasing your questions on behalf of all 0:01:33.800 --> 0:01:36.240 of you. But a lot of people obviously have have 0:01:36.400 --> 0:01:40.440 asked for episodes about relationships and anxiety, and we did 0:01:40.480 --> 0:01:43.800 cover those in February. But there were a lot of 0:01:43.800 --> 0:01:45.919 people that seemed to be really suffering in the area 0:01:46.000 --> 0:01:51.760 of sexuality, whether it is they're married, but ever since 0:01:51.800 --> 0:01:54.440 the pandemic, they don't feel like having sex anymore. Mean 0:01:54.440 --> 0:01:58.680 they're having anxiety around the conversation of how do I 0:01:58.760 --> 0:02:03.880 even talk ab out this? Does this mean we're going 0:02:03.920 --> 0:02:06.400 to end up getting a divorce? People who are anxious 0:02:06.480 --> 0:02:09.840 just about sex in general, People who are anxious about 0:02:10.520 --> 0:02:13.320 getting on dating apps because you know, maybe they watch 0:02:13.400 --> 0:02:15.920 too much true crime and they know they know what's 0:02:15.960 --> 0:02:19.120 out there or what could be lurking out there. You know, 0:02:19.600 --> 0:02:22.680 anxieties from the very real to the kind of imagined. 0:02:23.520 --> 0:02:25.400 And as Shan says, you know, anxiety is a part 0:02:25.440 --> 0:02:27.160 of life. So it's obviously going to be a part 0:02:27.200 --> 0:02:29.760 of sex, because sex is a part of life, and 0:02:29.800 --> 0:02:32.000 it's a part of life whether you're having it or not, 0:02:32.080 --> 0:02:36.240 and that that can cause anxiety. I mean, it's you're 0:02:36.280 --> 0:02:38.360 standing there with your clothes off, I assume in front 0:02:38.400 --> 0:02:41.800 of someone, even if it's someone you have been with forever, 0:02:42.800 --> 0:02:46.560 that can still cause anxiety. There's performance anxiety, There's what 0:02:46.680 --> 0:02:50.720 will they think of me? Anxiety. There's something called arousal 0:02:50.800 --> 0:02:55.320 confusion that that I get into with Shannon about is 0:02:55.360 --> 0:02:59.720 this excitement or anxiety? So I'm hoping that you get 0:02:59.720 --> 0:03:01.320 a lot to this episode. I know that you will. 0:03:01.400 --> 0:03:03.800 I just knew you know what this is. This is 0:03:03.840 --> 0:03:09.000 not my area of expertise. So let's have an expert 0:03:09.520 --> 0:03:11.560 answer some of your questions that I don't even know 0:03:11.600 --> 0:03:13.880 if you thought I would say on the show. I 0:03:13.880 --> 0:03:16.760 didn't say anyone's names. I tried to paraphrase these. These 0:03:16.760 --> 0:03:21.080 were down deep d m s that that got through 0:03:21.120 --> 0:03:24.639 that got to me. I mean they made their way 0:03:24.639 --> 0:03:26.440 to me. I don't mean they got to me like emotionally. 0:03:26.880 --> 0:03:33.800 And hopefully you're listening and this will help. So. Shann 0:03:33.840 --> 0:03:38.440 Boodrum is a sex and intimacy educator. She mashes up 0:03:38.440 --> 0:03:44.120 sex ology and psychology as a certified intimacy educator. Her podcast, 0:03:44.200 --> 0:03:48.960 Lovers and Friends tackles a lot of subjects about sex, 0:03:50.440 --> 0:03:53.120 and she's got a lot to say about anxiety in 0:03:53.200 --> 0:03:57.800 relation to sex. And Relationships on this week's episode. But 0:03:57.880 --> 0:04:01.280 she is kicking as she is every where UM as 0:04:01.320 --> 0:04:04.000 she calls herself. She's kind of like Dr Ruth meets Rihanna. 0:04:05.120 --> 0:04:09.240 She wants to teach people to be more competent and confident. 0:04:10.400 --> 0:04:14.800 And she's got a YouTube channel over seventy million YouTube views. 0:04:14.840 --> 0:04:17.320 She's been on so many shows, She's been written up 0:04:17.320 --> 0:04:20.640 in The New York Times, Forbes, Time Magazine. She's now 0:04:20.839 --> 0:04:24.120 a relationship and sex expert on Peacock's new dating show 0:04:24.160 --> 0:04:27.040 called X Rated, hosted by Andy Cohen. She's also an 0:04:27.040 --> 0:04:32.200 intimacy expert and workshop facilitator on Netflix's show Too Hot 0:04:32.320 --> 0:04:35.560 to Handle. So you can find out about Shannon, I 0:04:35.560 --> 0:04:38.960 will put the links to her best selling books, to 0:04:39.040 --> 0:04:42.200 her podcast, to her website. All of that is sitting 0:04:42.640 --> 0:04:46.919 right there, right now in the UH links in the 0:04:47.040 --> 0:04:50.919 show notes. And let's see what she has to say 0:04:51.040 --> 0:04:56.680 about people who are just anxious about sex. Let's listen 0:04:56.720 --> 0:05:03.159 to my conversation with Shan m H. Shan, you are 0:05:04.560 --> 0:05:09.039 a UM sexologist, you have studied psychology or certified intimacy educator. 0:05:09.120 --> 0:05:11.680 My getting this right? Would you please tell me in 0:05:11.720 --> 0:05:14.479 my audience exactly what that is I thought it would 0:05:14.520 --> 0:05:16.840 be more interesting coming from you than than me saying 0:05:16.880 --> 0:05:19.920 in the intro. Yes, Um. The easiest way I think 0:05:19.920 --> 0:05:23.880 about this is a sexologist is to sex what nutritionist 0:05:24.040 --> 0:05:28.160 is to food. So it's the study of how sex 0:05:28.240 --> 0:05:32.600 interacts with people. And you can choose a discipline of psychology, 0:05:32.640 --> 0:05:38.479 of biology of wellness, pharmaceutical, physiological, it could be. Fromn 0:05:38.560 --> 0:05:44.120 educational standpoint. As a sexologist and uh intimacy educator, I'm 0:05:44.160 --> 0:05:47.919 a public facing sex educator. So my goal is to 0:05:48.000 --> 0:05:51.920 take information from way more smarter people who work in researches, 0:05:52.640 --> 0:05:55.400 research centers, and labs, and then try to find ways 0:05:55.440 --> 0:05:59.200 to make that interesting and accessible to the general public. 0:06:00.240 --> 0:06:02.480 And what was someone who isn't front facing, like, what 0:06:02.520 --> 0:06:04.919 would they be doing as a career. Would that be 0:06:05.000 --> 0:06:07.919 the person that taught me sex said in high school? No, 0:06:08.240 --> 0:06:11.320 it should be, but it's more than likely your gym 0:06:11.360 --> 0:06:14.120 teacher or somebody who was just thrust into that role 0:06:14.160 --> 0:06:18.039 who has no idea you know, about language and about 0:06:18.040 --> 0:06:21.000 the various components of sexuality themselves, and didn't get good 0:06:21.000 --> 0:06:23.640 sex education growing up. And then also now just was 0:06:24.040 --> 0:06:26.440 given this textbook and told to read verbatim out of it. 0:06:26.440 --> 0:06:28.440 It should. I know, if you went to a grade school, 0:06:28.800 --> 0:06:30.440 that would be amazing. I don't know one person who 0:06:30.480 --> 0:06:32.920 had a sexologist teach their sex said class, but that 0:06:32.960 --> 0:06:36.520 should be a thing. But there are definitely sex educators 0:06:36.560 --> 0:06:40.440 who do write curriculum, mostly for more private schools or 0:06:40.600 --> 0:06:43.640 for chartered schools. So that is a pathway to take 0:06:43.680 --> 0:06:47.359 to be on the educational route. UM a SECT which 0:06:47.600 --> 0:06:51.320 is uh the number one certification board for sex sex 0:06:51.320 --> 0:06:54.440 sex alogist, sex educators in America. They you know, have 0:06:54.600 --> 0:06:57.400 a sex educator realm and those usually speak to people 0:06:57.440 --> 0:07:00.600 who are either working in education or are doing one 0:07:00.640 --> 0:07:03.760 to one work. Got it well, since none of us 0:07:03.760 --> 0:07:06.520 grew up with someone like you in our schools. This 0:07:06.600 --> 0:07:10.400 is probably why people are emailing my podcast because I'm 0:07:10.440 --> 0:07:12.960 just a comedian with anxiety. I mean, that's what my 0:07:13.040 --> 0:07:16.600 podcast is. I am certainly no experts, and you know, 0:07:16.680 --> 0:07:19.080 I was thinking, I need I need you to help 0:07:19.600 --> 0:07:22.320 um and so somebody wrote me and it was just 0:07:22.560 --> 0:07:25.960 very generic. I mean, honestly, they didn't give me many details, 0:07:26.040 --> 0:07:28.640 but they wrote and said, I need you to do 0:07:28.680 --> 0:07:32.240 an episode about sex and anxiety. I have a lot 0:07:32.280 --> 0:07:36.520 of anxiety about having sex. I mean, I don't even 0:07:36.520 --> 0:07:40.800 know where to begin. But how do you begin with 0:07:40.880 --> 0:07:43.600 such a generic question like that, like where does your 0:07:43.600 --> 0:07:46.600 mind go first? Like what do you what are they asking? Yeah, 0:07:46.640 --> 0:07:49.920 I think our minds should go to empathy because there 0:07:49.960 --> 0:07:52.960 are a billion different places that our mind goes, which 0:07:53.000 --> 0:07:55.360 lets us know that this is a place that is 0:07:55.400 --> 0:08:00.560 extremely anxiety inducing. And there are so many different facets 0:08:00.560 --> 0:08:03.560 and ways that this can be very stressful, uh and 0:08:03.600 --> 0:08:06.800 mentally painful for people. So the fact of the matter 0:08:06.960 --> 0:08:09.800 is that that we don't know where to start. That 0:08:09.880 --> 0:08:12.440 just lets us know that there are so many conversations 0:08:12.440 --> 0:08:16.560 that still have yet to be had publicly. Yeah, And 0:08:16.680 --> 0:08:20.160 what I'm guessing is they're probably simply asking, like I 0:08:20.240 --> 0:08:22.800 don't know what to do, as though there's a right 0:08:22.800 --> 0:08:25.160 and wrong to do, and it makes them anxious. And 0:08:25.200 --> 0:08:27.360 it's like unlike someone who's saying, oh, I don't like 0:08:27.400 --> 0:08:29.040 to fly in an airplane. I'm not gonna go do 0:08:29.080 --> 0:08:32.240 some you know, you're not gonna be with your you know, 0:08:32.480 --> 0:08:34.600 partner and go No, I need to do some deep 0:08:34.640 --> 0:08:37.320 breathing in the corner and just a ten minute meditation. 0:08:37.360 --> 0:08:40.320 I mean, so if someone is saying, like, look, I 0:08:40.360 --> 0:08:42.080 don't know what I'm doing, or I hope I won't 0:08:42.080 --> 0:08:46.360 be bad, my heart starts racing or whatnot. What can 0:08:46.440 --> 0:08:50.080 someone do physically in the moment if they're, you know, 0:08:50.400 --> 0:08:51.960 right in front of someone, they're abound to take their 0:08:51.960 --> 0:08:53.640 clothes off or however people want to do it. Is 0:08:53.640 --> 0:08:58.120 there is there some quick tip? Yeah, I think meet 0:08:58.160 --> 0:09:02.440 yourself where you are. So if your There's Life is 0:09:02.440 --> 0:09:04.840 not a rom com, nor is it a porn, so 0:09:04.920 --> 0:09:08.960 you don't have to follow sexual script that you've seen before, 0:09:09.000 --> 0:09:11.240 you don't have to follow a certain timeline. If you 0:09:11.360 --> 0:09:13.280 are on a time crunch, that could also be what's 0:09:13.360 --> 0:09:17.160 leading to some of the anxiety, and that could be favorable. Like, 0:09:17.480 --> 0:09:20.160 there's a difference, but in arousal, right, there is excitement 0:09:20.400 --> 0:09:23.920 and then there is anxiousness, and so if it's not excitement, 0:09:23.920 --> 0:09:26.080 it's anxiousness, and I'd probably be like, hey, these are 0:09:26.080 --> 0:09:28.160 not the conditions that are favorable for me. And then 0:09:28.520 --> 0:09:32.800 obviously high anxiety can interfere with sexual performance and sexual 0:09:32.840 --> 0:09:34.720 pleasure in general, so that's even more of a reason 0:09:34.760 --> 0:09:37.440 to be like, these are not my conditions, and that's 0:09:37.440 --> 0:09:41.480 okay because there's other activities. So I'm not like, you know, 0:09:41.760 --> 0:09:43.680 I'm feeling really stressed out and I don't want to 0:09:43.679 --> 0:09:46.800 have sex. Let me just quickly give myself one to 0:09:47.000 --> 0:09:49.400 three mantra or a Wussan ear massage, and then I'm 0:09:49.440 --> 0:09:51.840 going to force myself in it. Instead, I would just 0:09:51.920 --> 0:09:55.040 pause on that and then think about, like what action 0:09:55.520 --> 0:09:58.480 because sex is about pleasure, m and it's one of 0:09:58.520 --> 0:10:01.680 the unique places in life where you really don't have 0:10:01.800 --> 0:10:04.240 to do it. And there's health benefits for sure, and 0:10:04.280 --> 0:10:08.240 there is intimacy benefits for sure, but that's not you know, 0:10:08.280 --> 0:10:10.559 it's not like paying your bills or like making sure 0:10:10.600 --> 0:10:13.719 that your car is registered at the DMV, like it's 0:10:13.760 --> 0:10:16.600 it's not even eating right, Like it's something that you 0:10:16.679 --> 0:10:21.800 engage in hopefully to improve your health and your happiness. 0:10:22.320 --> 0:10:24.280 And if the way that you're engaging with it is 0:10:24.320 --> 0:10:27.400 not taking those boxes and don't gauge, it's okay, Like 0:10:27.720 --> 0:10:29.959 we don't need you to procriate. We're all good here 0:10:29.960 --> 0:10:33.200 on preeditor Earth. And furthermore, yeah, the other person that 0:10:33.240 --> 0:10:36.480 you're with probably doesn't want a partner who's not enthusiastic 0:10:36.520 --> 0:10:38.600 and relaxed, and they listen to say I can't get 0:10:38.640 --> 0:10:41.160 there within our time spent together. I might just need 0:10:41.160 --> 0:10:44.200 an extra half hour to pause that activity. UM have 0:10:44.320 --> 0:10:46.760 something called turn on triggers, where I talk about on 0:10:46.760 --> 0:10:50.000 my website. How similarly to love languages, we have to 0:10:50.040 --> 0:10:54.760 acknowledge that not everybody gets their sexual engine revving the 0:10:54.800 --> 0:10:58.040 exact same way. So it could just be that you 0:10:58.080 --> 0:11:01.120 are a sabio sexual, which is a fancy term for 0:11:01.200 --> 0:11:03.720 somebody who just likes to feel mentally connected to people 0:11:03.760 --> 0:11:07.560 before they feel sexual desire. So what you might require 0:11:07.960 --> 0:11:10.000 is a conversation where I'm like, I just feel like 0:11:10.040 --> 0:11:11.680 we just kind of got together and it's all like 0:11:11.760 --> 0:11:14.319 rush restaurants close off, and I just want to plug 0:11:14.360 --> 0:11:16.280 into you first as a human, I want you to 0:11:16.280 --> 0:11:18.480 plug into me. I want to feel like we're connected 0:11:18.520 --> 0:11:21.720 mentally before that even feels sensual to me to like 0:11:21.760 --> 0:11:27.560 think about sex. So your anxiety, if it's a medical condition, 0:11:27.600 --> 0:11:29.360 that's something different. You talk to your doctor about it, 0:11:29.400 --> 0:11:32.160 you know, if you've got chronic anxiety. But if it 0:11:32.320 --> 0:11:35.760 is situational, then I think it's a morning sign to 0:11:35.800 --> 0:11:39.400 do something different and not something different like a quick 0:11:39.440 --> 0:11:42.000 fixed band aid. And don't you think too. I mean, 0:11:42.120 --> 0:11:46.119 anytime someone's having anxiety, it makes us really self focused, um, 0:11:46.160 --> 0:11:48.319 you know, anywhere from like we have to focus on 0:11:48.360 --> 0:11:51.520 ourselves to calm down all the way to like we're paranoid, 0:11:51.520 --> 0:11:53.319 we're worried what the other person is thinking of us, 0:11:53.360 --> 0:11:55.800 and sex is really kind of the opposite, right, It's 0:11:55.840 --> 0:11:59.559 it's really about, you know, focusing on yourself in the 0:11:59.600 --> 0:12:00.960 sense that you're going to speak up for like what 0:12:01.040 --> 0:12:03.400 your needs are, but you really have to focus on 0:12:03.440 --> 0:12:07.080 another person. And you know, I I think if someone 0:12:07.200 --> 0:12:10.560 is anxious being with someone they've never been with esexually 0:12:10.640 --> 0:12:13.960 for the first time, um, it is very different than 0:12:14.600 --> 0:12:17.960 someone who's just for some reason having anxiety around sex 0:12:17.960 --> 0:12:20.679 when they're already in a relationship with someone. So I 0:12:20.720 --> 0:12:24.400 feel like, you know, I know it sounds easier said 0:12:24.440 --> 0:12:26.440 than done, but I feel like, if that person is 0:12:26.480 --> 0:12:28.480 going to be a viable sexual partner for you, it's 0:12:28.480 --> 0:12:31.400 not really about Oh, I'm so nervous. I hope I 0:12:31.440 --> 0:12:33.319 please them, because like you said, it's not a porn 0:12:33.440 --> 0:12:35.360 you know, it's not going to be Oh I have 0:12:35.440 --> 0:12:37.400 to do this like flip in this trick and this thing. 0:12:37.400 --> 0:12:39.760 It's like, if you don't feel like you can talk 0:12:39.800 --> 0:12:42.760 to that person for whatever reason, they might not be 0:12:42.800 --> 0:12:44.680 a good partner for you. You know, if they're getting 0:12:44.679 --> 0:12:46.559 a sense that they might be shamed or judged, then 0:12:46.640 --> 0:12:49.000 like that's never going to work, right, That's that's not 0:12:49.040 --> 0:12:52.040 you being anxious so much as it's you being aware 0:12:52.040 --> 0:12:55.320 of the fact that you're not being accepted. Yeah, I 0:12:55.320 --> 0:12:56.840 think going back to what you said at to talk 0:12:56.880 --> 0:12:59.480 about that person right in that question in there's just 0:12:59.559 --> 0:13:02.720 so many iterations, and so you have to be open 0:13:02.760 --> 0:13:05.640 to all possibilities, especially if you're not having the discussion 0:13:05.640 --> 0:13:08.200 with yourself constantly. So if you're not in tune with 0:13:08.240 --> 0:13:10.480 yourself in this specific way to be able to decipher 0:13:10.520 --> 0:13:15.200 the difference between performance anxiety and pressure based anxiety, then yeah, 0:13:15.240 --> 0:13:17.560 you kind of have to weigh both, you know, options 0:13:17.559 --> 0:13:20.440 that are possible for you. But also I think it's 0:13:20.480 --> 0:13:24.240 important to acknowledge, you know, on a non chronic mental 0:13:24.320 --> 0:13:27.160 illness based way, the anxiety is a natural part of life. 0:13:27.200 --> 0:13:30.000 It's a healthy part of life. And yes, like sex 0:13:30.280 --> 0:13:33.800 is exciting, you know, it's the risk and reward center 0:13:33.800 --> 0:13:36.800 of the brain is activated. You've got your cortisol levels 0:13:36.840 --> 0:13:39.760 are going to go up, You're going to feel a 0:13:39.840 --> 0:13:42.480 rush of dopamine. You're gonna feel a rush of adrenaline, 0:13:42.520 --> 0:13:47.320 So naturally you're going to feel heightened anxiety and heightened 0:13:47.320 --> 0:13:50.840 self awareness. And that's not a bad thing, um And 0:13:51.000 --> 0:13:53.160 nor is it a bad you know, signed if I'm 0:13:53.240 --> 0:13:56.440 nervous about pleasing a partner, that isn't always indicative of 0:13:56.440 --> 0:13:59.720 the person being. You know, somebody who's toxic or somebody 0:13:59.760 --> 0:14:01.720 who's hard to please could just be like a natural 0:14:01.760 --> 0:14:03.600 byproduct of the fact that, like, I'm about to get 0:14:03.679 --> 0:14:05.520 naked in front of somebody and try and engage in 0:14:05.600 --> 0:14:08.760 activity which should result in like maximum pleasure for both 0:14:08.800 --> 0:14:10.920 of us. And by product of that that com and 0:14:11.000 --> 0:14:13.640 makes me a little bit nervous. So it may be 0:14:13.760 --> 0:14:14.920 one of those things where you kind of have to 0:14:14.920 --> 0:14:17.719 think about and you go through that checklist of am 0:14:17.720 --> 0:14:21.920 I unreasonably nervous? Um? Given the circumstances, Is it something 0:14:22.120 --> 0:14:25.280 about me that needs to change? Is something about the person? 0:14:25.400 --> 0:14:28.080 Is something about the environment that used to change? Do 0:14:28.160 --> 0:14:30.000 I just need to take a pause altogether and figured 0:14:30.000 --> 0:14:32.520 this thing out for myself? Um? And what is the 0:14:32.600 --> 0:14:35.160 cost to me if I tried to push through this? 0:14:35.440 --> 0:14:37.000 And if you can go through that kind of mental 0:14:37.080 --> 0:14:40.400 checklist really quickly, then hopefully figure you land on the 0:14:40.480 --> 0:14:42.480 on the side of what's best and healthiest for you. 0:14:43.640 --> 0:14:45.320 I was watching one of your videos on YouTube and 0:14:45.320 --> 0:14:48.160 you were talking specifically about how people can get over 0:14:48.200 --> 0:14:53.680 their fears and anxieties about doing um like video sex, 0:14:53.800 --> 0:14:55.440 like you know, like being intimate on video. This is 0:14:55.440 --> 0:14:59.720 more during the pandemic. And but your advice was great. 0:14:59.760 --> 0:15:02.160 I think applies to any situation which let awkwardness be 0:15:02.240 --> 0:15:05.640 part of it, right like it's it's okna laugh during 0:15:05.680 --> 0:15:08.120 it or before or whatever. I mean, we all feel awkward. 0:15:08.160 --> 0:15:11.160 I'm sure I would be so happy if someone within 0:15:11.240 --> 0:15:13.680 reason approached me saying that they fell awkward. It would 0:15:13.720 --> 0:15:15.120 open me up to be like, oh, could you know 0:15:15.200 --> 0:15:17.000 me too? I can I can at least share in 0:15:17.000 --> 0:15:19.080 this with even Usually I feel like that kind of 0:15:19.840 --> 0:15:22.680 destroys any awkwardness right away. It doesn't usually hang around 0:15:22.680 --> 0:15:25.400 after that. Yeah, I think humor is a great way 0:15:25.440 --> 0:15:27.520 to diffuse as well. If that's something that you're comfortable with. 0:15:27.560 --> 0:15:30.360 Obviously you are, but it is an incredible way to 0:15:30.720 --> 0:15:33.720 express anxiety in a way that can be really bonding 0:15:33.760 --> 0:15:36.480 for people. And again, yeah, life is not a poorn, 0:15:36.520 --> 0:15:38.120 It's not a wrong comm it doesn't have to be 0:15:38.160 --> 0:15:41.240 script doesn't have to be perfect and polished. Nobody is 0:15:41.280 --> 0:15:44.360 filming this. Maybe they are, but like you know, there's 0:15:44.400 --> 0:15:46.920 like there's nothing that's going to make this like, oh 0:15:47.080 --> 0:15:49.840 from here until death do you part? This is going 0:15:49.840 --> 0:15:52.000 to be a representation of what you're like sexually. So 0:15:52.000 --> 0:15:54.880 I gotta get this right. I gotta nail this thing. Um, 0:15:54.920 --> 0:15:58.000 it's not a gymnastics score. So you can follow to 0:15:58.160 --> 0:16:00.120 the line, you can bend your knees, you can do 0:16:00.200 --> 0:16:04.080 something funky midway through like that can actually to me. Um, 0:16:04.120 --> 0:16:07.360 that's what makes sex good. I always like my husband 0:16:07.400 --> 0:16:11.080 started out as my f buddy, and I was like 0:16:11.160 --> 0:16:14.160 looking for a specifically like a strictly sexual partner at 0:16:14.160 --> 0:16:16.000 the time that he and I got together, because I 0:16:16.040 --> 0:16:17.840 was I'm from Canada, so it was like on the 0:16:17.880 --> 0:16:21.000 fritz of deportation. It's got a long term relationship. But 0:16:21.080 --> 0:16:23.360 I was studying sex for and I was learning these 0:16:23.360 --> 0:16:25.040 amazing things, but I had no one to practice on. 0:16:25.120 --> 0:16:26.600 So I was like, I really want to find a 0:16:26.640 --> 0:16:28.560 partner who I can just have sex with. And I 0:16:28.560 --> 0:16:29.960 don't know if I'm going to be in the country 0:16:30.040 --> 0:16:32.160 or what's gonna come of me in the next few months, 0:16:32.200 --> 0:16:35.200 so I'm not looking for anything that requires any other 0:16:35.240 --> 0:16:38.640 form of commitment. And the reason why I ended up 0:16:38.680 --> 0:16:42.040 choosing my now husband as my sexual partners because he 0:16:42.120 --> 0:16:47.120 was just so unscripted and authentic and unafraid of making 0:16:47.360 --> 0:16:52.200 weird noises, unafraid of saying things or asking questions, and 0:16:52.240 --> 0:16:54.560 it just made me feel like, Wow, I'll never get 0:16:54.560 --> 0:16:57.480 bored of sex with this person because they're always responding 0:16:57.560 --> 0:17:00.720 authentically to what's happening and how they feel the moment, 0:17:00.960 --> 0:17:03.480 so it's going to be different every time. There's also 0:17:03.520 --> 0:17:07.439 something really pleasure love that that happens when you release 0:17:07.480 --> 0:17:10.639 yourself from these scripts, Like you knew what you wanted 0:17:10.760 --> 0:17:12.280 and you put it out there and it and it 0:17:12.320 --> 0:17:14.920 went a different way, which is great, But at the 0:17:15.040 --> 0:17:17.239 very least, I think people should know exactly what they 0:17:17.280 --> 0:17:20.439 want from a sexual experience. Maybe somebody I don't know, 0:17:20.520 --> 0:17:23.000 they want to feel I don't know, I don't thinking 0:17:23.000 --> 0:17:24.840 of a million different things. Maybe they want it quick 0:17:24.840 --> 0:17:26.600 and dirty. Maybe they wanted to feel like love even 0:17:26.640 --> 0:17:28.520 if it's not. Maybe they want an f Boddy and 0:17:28.640 --> 0:17:30.399 why I'm saying if I could say a fun buddy. 0:17:30.400 --> 0:17:33.520 Maybe they want a partner. But you know, it's sort 0:17:33.520 --> 0:17:35.639 of like getting clear with what you want so that 0:17:35.720 --> 0:17:38.160 you can organically and honestly see if what the person 0:17:38.240 --> 0:17:40.879 you're with matches up with that, and if not, like, okay, 0:17:40.920 --> 0:17:43.200 no big deal, everyone can walk away. But I think 0:17:43.200 --> 0:17:45.840 there is a lot of anxiety to like keep someone 0:17:45.960 --> 0:17:48.960 or keep them interested, and it's like it shouldn't be 0:17:49.000 --> 0:17:51.480 based again, like on performance or anything like that. It's 0:17:51.920 --> 0:17:54.359 it's do we both have what the other person needs 0:17:54.400 --> 0:17:57.480 in a sexual situation? And so rarely is it about 0:17:57.520 --> 0:18:00.959 like they're good in bed because of some you know, 0:18:01.160 --> 0:18:03.080 I think what what what works for you might not 0:18:03.119 --> 0:18:06.159 work for someone else. I think it's also important to 0:18:06.200 --> 0:18:09.320 note too that like knowing what you want is really 0:18:09.400 --> 0:18:11.639 not an easy feat at all. I don't know if 0:18:11.680 --> 0:18:15.360 you've ever tried to pick a medical plan before, and 0:18:15.440 --> 0:18:18.720 they're so fucking confusing because you're like the deductible, the 0:18:19.240 --> 0:18:23.480 co pay, the signing, and the maximum amount. Like it's 0:18:23.520 --> 0:18:25.560 like and I'm paying this much and then I don't 0:18:25.560 --> 0:18:28.119 get a dentist. It's all very confusing because you're not 0:18:28.119 --> 0:18:31.680 accustomed to the language, not used to making those kinds 0:18:31.720 --> 0:18:34.160 of decisions, and so it's very stressful to figure out. 0:18:34.280 --> 0:18:36.320 It's something simple like what kind of health care needs 0:18:36.320 --> 0:18:38.960 do you have? But if you're not familiar with the system, 0:18:38.960 --> 0:18:41.320 you're not familiar with the language, you can be very stressful. 0:18:41.320 --> 0:18:42.720 So I don't want to discount the fact too, that 0:18:42.760 --> 0:18:44.840 a lot of people are like, yeah, just like you know, 0:18:44.920 --> 0:18:47.280 be clear about what you want and voice what you need. 0:18:47.400 --> 0:18:50.359 But they've never been given the language described that before. 0:18:50.400 --> 0:18:53.000 They don't even know what the options are, so that 0:18:53.080 --> 0:18:55.119 in itself is easier said than done, which you know, 0:18:55.200 --> 0:18:57.320 is a great point that a lot of the anxiety 0:18:57.560 --> 0:19:00.879 we face around sexuality in general just as a result 0:19:00.960 --> 0:19:04.600 of the fundamental educational gap that we have here that 0:19:04.920 --> 0:19:07.520 from the time that we're young, you know, it starts. 0:19:07.560 --> 0:19:10.160 You know, we're we're told head, shoulders, knees, and toes, 0:19:10.200 --> 0:19:12.959 and we don't get a word to describe our genitals 0:19:13.119 --> 0:19:16.520 until we're like ten twelve years old. So right, and 0:19:16.560 --> 0:19:19.000 you know, I'm thinking of our my dear listener who 0:19:19.000 --> 0:19:21.119 wrote like just a very generic like I'm anxious when 0:19:21.160 --> 0:19:24.520 I have sex. It's like again, like intuitively I'm feeling 0:19:25.400 --> 0:19:29.160 the bigger question is I kind of you know, maybe 0:19:29.160 --> 0:19:30.439 there's a little bit of I don't know what I 0:19:30.480 --> 0:19:32.840 want and who I am, and like there's just so 0:19:32.920 --> 0:19:34.439 much I don't know, and it's like go back to 0:19:34.440 --> 0:19:36.239 square one, you know. Like for me, if I was, 0:19:36.320 --> 0:19:38.560 you know, a therapist, I probably would be like, the 0:19:38.640 --> 0:19:40.200 last thing we need to talk about right now is 0:19:40.280 --> 0:19:42.439 like what you do the second before your pants are 0:19:42.520 --> 0:19:43.879 up and you're about to have sex as someone Like, 0:19:44.359 --> 0:19:46.520 let's take this back. You know, what are your needs? 0:19:46.560 --> 0:19:48.280 Do you feel like you're even allowed to have them? 0:19:48.320 --> 0:19:51.000 Blah blah blah. How's your self esteem? I think it's 0:19:51.040 --> 0:19:55.080 like we've probably disappointing to hear sometimes like oh my god, 0:19:55.080 --> 0:19:58.080 I gotta do all this work. But it's it's I 0:19:58.080 --> 0:20:00.040 don't It can be as hard as it sounds, but 0:20:00.160 --> 0:20:03.240 it's kind of the only way through, you know. Um, 0:20:03.280 --> 0:20:05.640 there's no quick like you said band aid for now, 0:20:05.760 --> 0:20:07.760 just do a quick deep breath and just jump on 0:20:07.840 --> 0:20:11.360 in there. You know, it's deeper. Um. And I think 0:20:11.359 --> 0:20:13.600 this stuff brings up a lot. I think that's a 0:20:13.600 --> 0:20:15.720 great point too, because we're kind of not even told that, 0:20:15.960 --> 0:20:18.399 right We're not told that, Hey, it's okay if you 0:20:18.440 --> 0:20:20.879 don't figure it out. After watching one Sex in the 0:20:20.880 --> 0:20:24.280 City season it's okay if you don't figure it out 0:20:24.320 --> 0:20:27.320 after reading a single book or having one partner you 0:20:27.359 --> 0:20:30.159 know who knew more than you. So we're kind of 0:20:30.200 --> 0:20:34.840 expecting to get to mastery without the general process that 0:20:34.880 --> 0:20:39.080 we know applies to literally everything else. Um and maybe 0:20:39.119 --> 0:20:41.639 comedy might be even a good example, because people are 0:20:41.680 --> 0:20:43.960