1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:26,960 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:27,160 --> 00:00:31,440 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever 6 00:00:31,480 --> 00:00:33,560 Speaker 1: you are in the world, it's great to have you here. 7 00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:38,440 Speaker 1: Back for another episode. Today, we're in for a freaking 8 00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:44,040 Speaker 1: fascinating topic. I think we've all heard of in a 9 00:00:44,159 --> 00:00:48,199 Speaker 1: child healing by this stage and the value in acknowledging 10 00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:53,640 Speaker 1: and making peace with our childhood wounds. However, our childhood 11 00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:56,520 Speaker 1: self is not the only past version of us that 12 00:00:56,760 --> 00:01:01,279 Speaker 1: deserves love and attention. So today we are going to 13 00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:05,319 Speaker 1: expand on the principles and the theories behind healing out 14 00:01:05,319 --> 00:01:08,600 Speaker 1: in a child, to talk about healing our inner teen 15 00:01:09,240 --> 00:01:13,000 Speaker 1: and what exactly that means and why it requires more 16 00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:17,160 Speaker 1: of our focus. This is not spoken about enough, I think, 17 00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:20,319 Speaker 1: because the idea of healing out in a child is 18 00:01:20,319 --> 00:01:23,160 Speaker 1: a lot more. I would say, well, well, gentle and 19 00:01:23,240 --> 00:01:27,119 Speaker 1: sweet and lovely, it's very easy to not blame our 20 00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:29,640 Speaker 1: childhood selves. So what they went through and how they're 21 00:01:29,680 --> 00:01:33,120 Speaker 1: showing up in our adult behavior because of our innate 22 00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:37,400 Speaker 1: vulnerability at that age, But our teenage selves are this 23 00:01:37,520 --> 00:01:41,280 Speaker 1: whole different ballgame. I think I'm not the only one 24 00:01:41,319 --> 00:01:44,200 Speaker 1: that looks back at my teen years with like an 25 00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:48,520 Speaker 1: overtone of cringe, seeing the decisions she made, the rage 26 00:01:48,600 --> 00:01:52,240 Speaker 1: she felt for the world, but then also how alone 27 00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:57,520 Speaker 1: she felt and misunderstood. It's this mixture of embarrassment and 28 00:01:57,560 --> 00:02:01,559 Speaker 1: I guess also sadness. But what I've come to realize 29 00:02:01,880 --> 00:02:05,880 Speaker 1: is that this version of me deserves just as much 30 00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:10,880 Speaker 1: consideration and compassion as that younger version of myself and 31 00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:14,880 Speaker 1: my current version of myself as well. The wounded taine 32 00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:19,160 Speaker 1: looks a lot different to the wounded child. As we'll discuss, 33 00:02:19,919 --> 00:02:23,320 Speaker 1: it's not just about needing love and care and security, 34 00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:28,400 Speaker 1: but also about feelings of intense anger at times and 35 00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:32,799 Speaker 1: rebellion and frustration. And this shows up in many ways, 36 00:02:32,840 --> 00:02:39,560 Speaker 1: like impulsive behaviors, emotional outbursts, self sabotage, overspending, rejection, sensitivity, 37 00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:42,920 Speaker 1: all things that I think we could do without. So 38 00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:47,280 Speaker 1: in today's episode we are going to discuss it all. 39 00:02:47,880 --> 00:02:51,080 Speaker 1: I will say that compared to healing out inner child, 40 00:02:51,720 --> 00:02:56,280 Speaker 1: there is a lot less psychological research on this, but 41 00:02:56,480 --> 00:02:58,680 Speaker 1: I think a lot of the foundational knowledge is still 42 00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:01,440 Speaker 1: the same, as well as some of that emerging literature 43 00:03:01,480 --> 00:03:05,639 Speaker 1: on things like suppression and early teenage isolation, identity theory, 44 00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:12,000 Speaker 1: and also some really fascinating articles on events and experiences 45 00:03:12,280 --> 00:03:15,360 Speaker 1: like our first time having sex, our first sexual experience, 46 00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:19,360 Speaker 1: especially in our teenage years. Things like that are a 47 00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:22,720 Speaker 1: lot more impactful than we once thought. So we're going 48 00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:25,760 Speaker 1: to break down the way that our wounded in a 49 00:03:25,880 --> 00:03:30,360 Speaker 1: teen shows up and why the experiences during this period 50 00:03:30,440 --> 00:03:34,079 Speaker 1: are highly influential for our adult selves, as much as 51 00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:36,680 Speaker 1: we may try to avoid looking back at that time. 52 00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:40,800 Speaker 1: We're also going to dive into some of the catalysts 53 00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:45,960 Speaker 1: for our inner teen wounds, things like rejection, feeling excluded, parentification, 54 00:03:46,880 --> 00:03:53,119 Speaker 1: and how we can identify with this lonely, angry, perhaps vengeful, 55 00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:57,240 Speaker 1: impulsive version of us, but also how we can reconnect 56 00:03:57,400 --> 00:04:00,440 Speaker 1: and how we can move forward. Some of the stratuses 57 00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:04,080 Speaker 1: we'll discuss include the adult chair method, one I haven't 58 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:08,440 Speaker 1: spoken about before but which is so deeply influential I 59 00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:12,320 Speaker 1: cannot wait to discuss it, and also why listening to 60 00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:15,640 Speaker 1: your old Taylor Swift or Blink one eighty two albums 61 00:04:16,279 --> 00:04:20,200 Speaker 1: might actually be rather healthy for us. So I'm so 62 00:04:20,400 --> 00:04:23,799 Speaker 1: fascinated by this topic. I'm really keen to get into 63 00:04:23,839 --> 00:04:26,480 Speaker 1: it because if this didn't make me realize how much 64 00:04:26,520 --> 00:04:30,159 Speaker 1: I actually hated my teenage self, oh my goodness, there's 65 00:04:30,160 --> 00:04:33,080 Speaker 1: a lot of work to be done there, and I 66 00:04:33,120 --> 00:04:35,760 Speaker 1: also want to share how I've been approaching it and 67 00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:39,160 Speaker 1: all the value that I've found in this level of 68 00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:43,200 Speaker 1: deep retrospection. So I'm going to stop rambling. That's not 69 00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:46,960 Speaker 1: why you're here, So without further ado, let's jump into 70 00:04:47,080 --> 00:04:54,839 Speaker 1: how to heal. You're in a team, all right, So 71 00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:59,240 Speaker 1: you've most likely heard of inner child healing before, especially 72 00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:02,159 Speaker 1: if you are in low time listener of this show. 73 00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:05,159 Speaker 1: I talk about it quite a lot because I think 74 00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:09,640 Speaker 1: it's really valuable to understand how the experiences of our 75 00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:14,760 Speaker 1: childhood self impact our adult behavior, in particular our self 76 00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:18,800 Speaker 1: perception and how we approach things like love and attachment 77 00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:22,240 Speaker 1: and decision making in a child healing for a bit 78 00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:26,120 Speaker 1: of a refresher, it essentially rests on the premise that 79 00:05:26,520 --> 00:05:31,719 Speaker 1: within all of us is this injured, vulnerable being who 80 00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:35,680 Speaker 1: needs caring for, who needs you to step up and 81 00:05:35,839 --> 00:05:39,680 Speaker 1: parent them and show yourself, the compassion and the unconditional 82 00:05:39,760 --> 00:05:45,480 Speaker 1: love you maybe previously hadn't experienced. A core foundation of 83 00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:50,120 Speaker 1: this practice is that past versions of ourselves still exist, 84 00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:56,160 Speaker 1: even if our overall physical form has changed. Those experiences 85 00:05:56,320 --> 00:06:00,640 Speaker 1: we had during our formative years, either in childhood or lessons, 86 00:06:01,120 --> 00:06:05,600 Speaker 1: they don't disappear. They stayed with us as very emotionally 87 00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:09,960 Speaker 1: present and salient memories, and so in some ways we 88 00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:13,320 Speaker 1: are still carrying every version of us that has come before, 89 00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:17,679 Speaker 1: including all the baggage that they themselves were carrying. Now, 90 00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:21,839 Speaker 1: whilst in a child, work and talking about our inner 91 00:06:21,920 --> 00:06:27,560 Speaker 1: child is really about reflecting on our emotional core, the vulnerable, innocent, 92 00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:31,560 Speaker 1: often needy part of you. Our inner team is a 93 00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:35,400 Speaker 1: lot more messy. As they say, maybe they're angry, maybe 94 00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:39,599 Speaker 1: they're isolated, maybe they're misunderstood. This version of you, this 95 00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:45,560 Speaker 1: past version. They were intellectually and emotionally developed enough to 96 00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:49,880 Speaker 1: be able to rationalize what they were experiencing, but perhaps 97 00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:53,560 Speaker 1: not to process it. And the nature of the experiences 98 00:06:53,720 --> 00:06:58,240 Speaker 1: they went through that perhaps left these psychological scars are 99 00:06:58,279 --> 00:07:01,520 Speaker 1: going to be very different. So approaching in a child 100 00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:06,680 Speaker 1: healing and in healing separately is really valuable. And the 101 00:07:06,720 --> 00:07:11,800 Speaker 1: distinction is mainly the age at which you received certain 102 00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:15,880 Speaker 1: emotional or social wounds. So you're inner teenager is a 103 00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:19,559 Speaker 1: representation of what you went through in your teen years, 104 00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:25,000 Speaker 1: the emotional experiences that perhaps shaped you, and most importantly, 105 00:07:25,120 --> 00:07:28,560 Speaker 1: how that is still impacting you today. And the age 106 00:07:28,560 --> 00:07:32,160 Speaker 1: at which we had these experiences will impact how they 107 00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:38,480 Speaker 1: manifest So, in developmental psychology, the distinction between children and adolescents, 108 00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:41,320 Speaker 1: it's kind of more than just age. Yes, we kind 109 00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:44,440 Speaker 1: of tend to see teenagers as those between the ages 110 00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:48,000 Speaker 1: of thirteen to eighteen or nineteen, and that's our main 111 00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:52,560 Speaker 1: way of categorizing this group of people. But during that time, 112 00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:57,120 Speaker 1: we're also undergoing a really rapid level of development that 113 00:07:57,240 --> 00:08:01,560 Speaker 1: distinguishes us from children. And it's not just physical, because 114 00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:05,400 Speaker 1: this is the time when we really begin to figure 115 00:08:05,440 --> 00:08:07,600 Speaker 1: out our identity and where we sit in the world. 116 00:08:07,680 --> 00:08:12,440 Speaker 1: This includes things like our sexual identity, our relational identity, 117 00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:15,040 Speaker 1: perhaps where we stand, you know, in relation to our 118 00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:19,280 Speaker 1: parents and our peers, and then most importantly, I would say, 119 00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:22,360 Speaker 1: is our personal identity. It's kind of a combination of everything. 120 00:08:23,040 --> 00:08:25,840 Speaker 1: Who are we actually, who do we feel like we are? 121 00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:30,600 Speaker 1: It's this stage of development that the psychoanalyst Eric Ericksson 122 00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:36,400 Speaker 1: called the conflict between identity and identity or role confusions. So, 123 00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:40,880 Speaker 1: during this stage adolescence search for a sense of self 124 00:08:41,360 --> 00:08:47,360 Speaker 1: through a really intense personal exploration of values, of goals, 125 00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:51,800 Speaker 1: of belief systems, and they tend to also rebel against 126 00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:56,480 Speaker 1: broader societal norms, particularly those represented in the family unit. 127 00:08:56,960 --> 00:09:00,480 Speaker 1: As a way of going about this, So maybe from 128 00:09:00,520 --> 00:09:03,200 Speaker 1: your personal experience, you had a bit of an emo 129 00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:07,000 Speaker 1: phase during this time, got a few piercings, your parents 130 00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:11,560 Speaker 1: didn't approve of, listen to angsty music, you know, skip school, 131 00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:16,200 Speaker 1: drank alcohol, or you just kind of tried on different 132 00:09:16,520 --> 00:09:20,160 Speaker 1: costumes or masks for who you wanted to be. Even 133 00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:23,080 Speaker 1: though you may cringe at that now, it's actually really 134 00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:27,400 Speaker 1: valuable because what Ericson concludes is that if you don't 135 00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:30,880 Speaker 1: give yourself that space to really figure that stuff out, 136 00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:35,319 Speaker 1: if you don't make mistakes, if you don't successfully move 137 00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:38,800 Speaker 1: through this stage or resolve that conflict between who we 138 00:09:38,880 --> 00:09:41,520 Speaker 1: think we are whose society thinks we are in our 139 00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:45,840 Speaker 1: true self, this is when we begin to see some 140 00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:49,560 Speaker 1: of those emotional and social wounds and that are most 141 00:09:49,720 --> 00:09:53,960 Speaker 1: characteristic of a wounded in a team, and at the 142 00:09:54,080 --> 00:09:58,560 Speaker 1: same time we're experiencing a lot of independence and a 143 00:09:58,559 --> 00:10:02,440 Speaker 1: lot of i would say, personal identity growth. We're also 144 00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:06,280 Speaker 1: seeing a very big biological shift, you know, the beginnings 145 00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:10,680 Speaker 1: of puberty, and this exacerbates a lot of the experiences 146 00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:14,439 Speaker 1: that we ultimately need to move through. So beginning at puberty, 147 00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:18,679 Speaker 1: the brain is literally being reshaped because we're going to 148 00:10:18,720 --> 00:10:22,480 Speaker 1: start pruning some of those synapses and neural pathways that 149 00:10:22,520 --> 00:10:26,000 Speaker 1: we no longer need. But also, hormonally, our bodies are 150 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:31,400 Speaker 1: being pumped with things like adrenal stress hormones, growth hormones, 151 00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:36,280 Speaker 1: and sex hormones like testosterone and estrogen. All of these 152 00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:40,559 Speaker 1: greatly impact things like mood and impulse control, even our 153 00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:43,600 Speaker 1: mental health. So there's been studies that have shown that 154 00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:49,160 Speaker 1: higher rates of estrogen impact the availability of serotonin. So serotonin, 155 00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:51,520 Speaker 1: as we know it more generally, it's one of the 156 00:10:51,559 --> 00:10:56,640 Speaker 1: primary neurotransmitters responsible for happiness. So it kind of explains 157 00:10:56,679 --> 00:11:00,679 Speaker 1: why women, in particular teenage girls who have such high 158 00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:06,000 Speaker 1: levels of this hormone have significantly high rates of things 159 00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:09,800 Speaker 1: like anxiety and depression because of those shifts as we 160 00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:14,520 Speaker 1: become you know, women rather than girls. So what does 161 00:11:14,559 --> 00:11:16,880 Speaker 1: this actually mean just sounds like a bunch of science. 162 00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:22,160 Speaker 1: It means that what we're battling as teenagers is in 163 00:11:22,160 --> 00:11:24,640 Speaker 1: some ways a lot more advanced than what we needed 164 00:11:24,679 --> 00:11:29,280 Speaker 1: as children. Our inner child just wants love and security 165 00:11:29,520 --> 00:11:33,319 Speaker 1: and attachment, and that probably feels very different to your 166 00:11:33,320 --> 00:11:36,840 Speaker 1: inner teenager, who has a lot of feelings of perhaps 167 00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:43,280 Speaker 1: displacement and frustration, confusion, and I think most importantly insecurity. 168 00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:48,480 Speaker 1: I think our teenage years is when we become clued 169 00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:51,240 Speaker 1: into the world and perhaps very angry with what it 170 00:11:51,280 --> 00:11:55,760 Speaker 1: has to offer. I remember feeling really misunderstood as a teenager. 171 00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:58,000 Speaker 1: I would sit in my room for hours. I would 172 00:11:58,040 --> 00:12:01,160 Speaker 1: have these bites with my parents, and for many of us, 173 00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:06,000 Speaker 1: our transition into adolescence is marked by these very heightened 174 00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:10,800 Speaker 1: emotions and a changing landscape around what society expects of us. 175 00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:15,000 Speaker 1: The three main I would say, like social cultural experiences 176 00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:18,760 Speaker 1: are trying to find independence and perhaps grow up a 177 00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:22,880 Speaker 1: bit too fast, feeling misunderstood and maybe trying to be 178 00:12:23,120 --> 00:12:27,319 Speaker 1: someone where not for other people's benefit. And then finally 179 00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:32,400 Speaker 1: the experience of shame. The last one in particular, I 180 00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:36,720 Speaker 1: think really distinguishes our childhood selves from our teenage selves. 181 00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:42,160 Speaker 1: We start feeling shame as we enter our teenage years 182 00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:46,720 Speaker 1: about our behavior and worrying about other people's perceptions of us. 183 00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:50,040 Speaker 1: If you kind of think back to your childhood self, 184 00:12:50,559 --> 00:12:52,719 Speaker 1: you really didn't have those concerns. You know. We were 185 00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:56,160 Speaker 1: pretty happy to play and run around. If you've ever 186 00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:58,920 Speaker 1: spoken to like a seven or eight even nine year 187 00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:02,480 Speaker 1: old child, they say, like the wildest shit, like they 188 00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:06,000 Speaker 1: have no impulse control, and we would wear whatever we wanted. 189 00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:10,319 Speaker 1: And I think it's important to notice when did that stop. 190 00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:14,840 Speaker 1: When was the first time you realized that maybe you 191 00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:19,760 Speaker 1: didn't fit in or you became conscious of the expectations 192 00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:23,960 Speaker 1: and opinions of others. And is that still impacting you now? 193 00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:28,600 Speaker 1: In what ways? Is that teenage version of you still 194 00:13:28,640 --> 00:13:32,440 Speaker 1: seeking out approval from others in your adult behavior, in 195 00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:36,000 Speaker 1: your current adult life. And then we also want to 196 00:13:36,040 --> 00:13:38,840 Speaker 1: be perceived as older than we are. We're in such 197 00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:42,400 Speaker 1: a rush to grow up, to push the limits, and 198 00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:46,360 Speaker 1: yet we actually don't really have the cognitive or emotional 199 00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:50,319 Speaker 1: skills to process some of the things that we go through, 200 00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:54,600 Speaker 1: particularly how they impact things like future attachment style and 201 00:13:54,640 --> 00:13:58,800 Speaker 1: self concept. Because we are still very much children. That's 202 00:13:58,840 --> 00:14:02,319 Speaker 1: how the legal system says us, our voting system, our 203 00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:07,200 Speaker 1: healthcare system, and yet we're having these very adult experiences 204 00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:13,760 Speaker 1: in this like weird limbo between childhood and adulthood. One 205 00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:19,720 Speaker 1: of these experiences in particular is around sex. So the 206 00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:23,840 Speaker 1: average age most of us lose our virginity is kind 207 00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:25,840 Speaker 1: of smack bang in the middle of the teenage years, 208 00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:30,120 Speaker 1: according to a lot of the research, so around sixteen 209 00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:32,720 Speaker 1: to seventeen. Now, I will say this is self reported, 210 00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:35,920 Speaker 1: so there may be some level of social desirability that 211 00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:40,440 Speaker 1: people want to be seen as sexually active younger, but 212 00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:43,400 Speaker 1: that kind of actually helps my point that we really 213 00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:45,360 Speaker 1: do want to grow out faster. And you know, it's 214 00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:49,720 Speaker 1: not everyone's experience, but for those of us who did 215 00:14:49,920 --> 00:14:54,320 Speaker 1: have our first sexual experience during our teenage years, that 216 00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:57,640 Speaker 1: may actually have a lot of long term impacts that 217 00:14:57,680 --> 00:15:01,120 Speaker 1: we don't really come to terms with until much later 218 00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:04,760 Speaker 1: in life. And they've just you know, conducted studies into 219 00:15:04,800 --> 00:15:09,040 Speaker 1: this quite a few recently, actually suggesting that the age 220 00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:13,480 Speaker 1: of a person's first sexual experience can determine your romantic 221 00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:18,240 Speaker 1: outcomes later in life. One study in particular, published in 222 00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:21,880 Speaker 1: the Journal of Sex and Marital therapy. It kind of 223 00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:27,720 Speaker 1: concluded that this is particularly profound for women and their 224 00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:32,040 Speaker 1: later sexual desire because losing your virginity, you know, we 225 00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:34,000 Speaker 1: don't really talk about it on the podcast, but it's 226 00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:38,560 Speaker 1: such a powerful learning experience and our you know, especially 227 00:15:38,560 --> 00:15:45,400 Speaker 1: for our teenage years, and sometimes it can contain quite 228 00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:47,920 Speaker 1: a bit of you know, not just trauma, but a 229 00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:51,560 Speaker 1: real sense of like we've suddenly grown up. We've suddenly 230 00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:55,840 Speaker 1: this is like this milestone that kind of really sits 231 00:15:55,840 --> 00:15:59,320 Speaker 1: in our brains as teenagers, and we might feel like 232 00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:02,560 Speaker 1: we're old and enough to deal with things, you know, 233 00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:06,800 Speaker 1: and take on adult responsibilities like having sex, but our 234 00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:10,720 Speaker 1: brains aren't really fully developed until much later on. So 235 00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:18,400 Speaker 1: in essence, in a teen, healing acknowledges those experiences that 236 00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:23,040 Speaker 1: may have been quite painful, all the ways in which 237 00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:27,160 Speaker 1: you were perhaps rejected or unheard or trying to fit in. 238 00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:31,120 Speaker 1: And what we want to do is provide space to 239 00:16:31,160 --> 00:16:35,280 Speaker 1: feel and verbalize and process all of that in a 240 00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:39,480 Speaker 1: way that you know, your arrogance as a teenager, just 241 00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:43,000 Speaker 1: kind of your naivity didn't let you do. What we 242 00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:47,080 Speaker 1: might see is this power struggle around the fight for control, 243 00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:49,720 Speaker 1: wanting to feel older, than we are, and then also 244 00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:54,040 Speaker 1: feeling very much alienated. And when we internalize these feelings, 245 00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:59,200 Speaker 1: this contributes to a lot of uncomfortable things. And that's 246 00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:02,320 Speaker 1: where the kind of remus lies. So what does it 247 00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:06,639 Speaker 1: look like when you're entertain kind of takes control. So 248 00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:10,000 Speaker 1: there are a few signs that you may have what 249 00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:13,000 Speaker 1: we would call a wounded in a tein, and they'll 250 00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:15,120 Speaker 1: differ from person to person, but I want to list 251 00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:19,440 Speaker 1: a few that are most commonly shared. So the first 252 00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:24,359 Speaker 1: is being highly emotionally reactive or responding to situations in 253 00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:31,240 Speaker 1: a manner that others see as immature, experiencing intense rejection, sensitivity, 254 00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:38,560 Speaker 1: self sabotaging behaviors like procrastination, overspending, even addictive behaviors, replicating 255 00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:45,040 Speaker 1: early romantic experiences, or partners holding onto resentment, self isolating, 256 00:17:45,440 --> 00:17:48,920 Speaker 1: or even reverting to kind of like the silent treatment 257 00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:54,639 Speaker 1: or withdrawal, feeling intense anger, you know, for no apparent reason, 258 00:17:54,840 --> 00:18:01,240 Speaker 1: wanting to be violent or petty or scornful. And finally, regression, 259 00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:05,720 Speaker 1: which is what we would call a maladaptive defense mechanism 260 00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:11,320 Speaker 1: against stressful or overwhelming situations. So regression is not as common, 261 00:18:11,359 --> 00:18:15,719 Speaker 1: but it's pretty profound, and it's a very interesting indicator 262 00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:19,080 Speaker 1: of an inner tea or even a childhood wound. So 263 00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:23,600 Speaker 1: it involves reverting to behaviors that are not age appropriate 264 00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:26,600 Speaker 1: in order to kind of replicate a time when you 265 00:18:26,680 --> 00:18:32,360 Speaker 1: felt safer and more secure. So for example, sucking your 266 00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:36,199 Speaker 1: thumb when you're feeling really stressed, wanting to go and 267 00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:38,520 Speaker 1: like hide away in your closet or go into the 268 00:18:38,560 --> 00:18:42,359 Speaker 1: feet or position, even talking in like a baby voice 269 00:18:42,560 --> 00:18:45,359 Speaker 1: or a stuffed you know, using a stuffed animal from 270 00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:48,600 Speaker 1: your childhood as kind of like a coping device something 271 00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:52,560 Speaker 1: to attach to. It's not as common as the others, 272 00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:57,200 Speaker 1: but you know, things like temper tantrums could even fall 273 00:18:57,280 --> 00:19:01,359 Speaker 1: under this category as well. It's just these things that 274 00:19:01,920 --> 00:19:05,400 Speaker 1: we did to self soothe as younger versions of us 275 00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:09,000 Speaker 1: that are no longer appropriate, and yet we still rely on. 276 00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:13,359 Speaker 1: So these behaviors are going to impact us all very differently, 277 00:19:14,040 --> 00:19:17,359 Speaker 1: and there are certainly more than just this list, but 278 00:19:17,440 --> 00:19:22,560 Speaker 1: opinions and kind of psychoanalytic psychology in particular really suggests 279 00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:25,800 Speaker 1: that these emotional habits and behaviors are really indicative that 280 00:19:25,920 --> 00:19:30,680 Speaker 1: at some stage in your adolescence you experience something that 281 00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:34,439 Speaker 1: altered your ability to relate to yourself and relate to 282 00:19:34,520 --> 00:19:40,440 Speaker 1: others in a sustainable and productive way once you kind 283 00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:42,320 Speaker 1: of I think it's one of those things when you 284 00:19:42,359 --> 00:19:44,480 Speaker 1: start on this journey you can't really come back like 285 00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:47,720 Speaker 1: You may find that a lot of the behaviors or 286 00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:51,240 Speaker 1: habits you've learned over time can be traced back to 287 00:19:51,280 --> 00:19:54,360 Speaker 1: your teenage self and a lot of the emotional conflicts 288 00:19:54,359 --> 00:19:58,920 Speaker 1: that you encountered. For example, if you're a highly sensitive 289 00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:03,760 Speaker 1: person and highly sensitive to any indicators of rejection, perhaps 290 00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:06,640 Speaker 1: from a partner or a friend, and you respond by 291 00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:12,240 Speaker 1: pulling away, by acting cruelly, by feeling incredibly anxious, that 292 00:20:12,359 --> 00:20:15,400 Speaker 1: may be indicative that at some stage as a teenager, 293 00:20:16,119 --> 00:20:20,000 Speaker 1: you felt really excluded and you felt really unliked, and 294 00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:22,119 Speaker 1: so you now feel like you have to work for 295 00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:27,360 Speaker 1: people's attention, and you feel uncomfortable when they take away 296 00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:31,440 Speaker 1: that feeling. You feel uncomfortable in a way that you 297 00:20:31,520 --> 00:20:35,320 Speaker 1: want to have control over this situation, because you didn't 298 00:20:35,359 --> 00:20:39,520 Speaker 1: have control over feeling liked or feeling like your authentic 299 00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:43,600 Speaker 1: self when you were younger. Another one that I find 300 00:20:43,640 --> 00:20:49,360 Speaker 1: really interesting is when you continually replicate early romantic experiences 301 00:20:50,119 --> 00:20:53,640 Speaker 1: that might be indicative that you haven't really processed how 302 00:20:54,119 --> 00:20:57,000 Speaker 1: they were maybe quite negative and gave you the wrong 303 00:20:57,040 --> 00:21:00,000 Speaker 1: impression of how love should be. But because you haven't 304 00:21:00,080 --> 00:21:03,119 Speaker 1: come to terms with that, you're stuck in this really 305 00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:08,200 Speaker 1: repetitive pattern. So I want to talk about what events 306 00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:14,280 Speaker 1: or triggers or experiences create these reactions, Specifically, how did 307 00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:20,160 Speaker 1: your entertain come to be wounded? The biggest one kind 308 00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:22,399 Speaker 1: of in my personal opinion, I just find this one 309 00:21:22,560 --> 00:21:26,600 Speaker 1: perhaps most relatable is a time when you felt really 310 00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:32,600 Speaker 1: rejected or ostracized, especially if you've been bullied or perhaps 311 00:21:32,920 --> 00:21:37,560 Speaker 1: excluded by certain groups or supposed friends when you're a teenager. 312 00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:42,560 Speaker 1: This is such a painful experience and it can leave 313 00:21:43,640 --> 00:21:49,440 Speaker 1: very long lasting psychological scars, particularly around our innate sense 314 00:21:49,480 --> 00:21:54,399 Speaker 1: of self worth and feeling worthy of friendship. Each of 315 00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:58,600 Speaker 1: us has an innate need to belong and to be 316 00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:02,840 Speaker 1: accepted by this social groups we are surrounded by. Belonging 317 00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:07,159 Speaker 1: is actually our third most important need according to Maslow's 318 00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:11,080 Speaker 1: hierarchy of need. It's just above things like literal food 319 00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:16,000 Speaker 1: and shelter, but below things like a sense of esteem 320 00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:20,680 Speaker 1: or identity or self actualization. So we need to belong 321 00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:23,520 Speaker 1: before we can come to terms with our higher self. 322 00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:26,679 Speaker 1: So if you perhaps didn't feel like you really had 323 00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:30,679 Speaker 1: a place where you felt accepted as a teenager, you 324 00:22:30,760 --> 00:22:33,359 Speaker 1: may have been unable to kind of undergo some of 325 00:22:33,359 --> 00:22:37,240 Speaker 1: that discovery that other people did. What that means is 326 00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:40,120 Speaker 1: that in adulthood or when we feel like we are 327 00:22:40,119 --> 00:22:45,360 Speaker 1: being excluded, like we spoke about before, that hurt lonely 328 00:22:45,800 --> 00:22:49,879 Speaker 1: teenage version of us who maybe spent time really longing 329 00:22:49,880 --> 00:22:53,160 Speaker 1: for the future, who really just wanted to belong, who 330 00:22:53,200 --> 00:22:56,720 Speaker 1: wanted a friend, that version of us is activated and 331 00:22:56,760 --> 00:23:01,159 Speaker 1: it begins to take control, perhaps isolating you you even further. 332 00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:04,880 Speaker 1: We see this in so many ways because we are 333 00:23:04,880 --> 00:23:08,040 Speaker 1: worried that we will be hurt again, that people won't 334 00:23:08,080 --> 00:23:12,439 Speaker 1: accept us. We can react by becoming quite codependent with 335 00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:17,680 Speaker 1: just one person, feeling intense anger at even the slightest 336 00:23:17,720 --> 00:23:21,880 Speaker 1: sense of rejection, all of these being indicators of some 337 00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:26,920 Speaker 1: deeper emotional origin or dysregulation. One way in particular I've 338 00:23:26,960 --> 00:23:31,000 Speaker 1: actually seen this exhibited in my own behavior is the 339 00:23:31,080 --> 00:23:34,360 Speaker 1: need to almost hold or like collect friends and sometimes 340 00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:38,399 Speaker 1: even take on different personalities or identities with different people 341 00:23:38,520 --> 00:23:41,399 Speaker 1: or groups because I want them to like me. I 342 00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:44,320 Speaker 1: want them to accept me. It's definitely something I've had 343 00:23:44,359 --> 00:23:47,159 Speaker 1: to work on over the past five years. You know. 344 00:23:47,200 --> 00:23:50,320 Speaker 1: Filling up our social calendars or our circles with so 345 00:23:50,400 --> 00:23:54,080 Speaker 1: many people that we can't even maintain all the relationships 346 00:23:54,119 --> 00:23:58,600 Speaker 1: at once is really, in some ways our subconscious brain saying, 347 00:23:58,840 --> 00:24:01,960 Speaker 1: you know, hey, if we do this, we'll never have 348 00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:04,680 Speaker 1: to feel alone again. We will never have to feel 349 00:24:04,720 --> 00:24:09,160 Speaker 1: rejected because there will always be someone there. I think 350 00:24:09,200 --> 00:24:12,600 Speaker 1: the second thing that we can see really cause in 351 00:24:12,720 --> 00:24:17,439 Speaker 1: a teen wounds has to do with parentification. So I 352 00:24:17,560 --> 00:24:20,680 Speaker 1: talked about this in our hyperindependence episode, and I think 353 00:24:20,760 --> 00:24:24,399 Speaker 1: it's one of the most fascinating concepts to kind of 354 00:24:24,440 --> 00:24:30,840 Speaker 1: come out of developmental psychology. Parentification occurs when we experience 355 00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:34,280 Speaker 1: a role reversal with our parents or caregivers as children 356 00:24:34,359 --> 00:24:37,000 Speaker 1: or teenagers. In this way, we kind of had to 357 00:24:37,080 --> 00:24:40,680 Speaker 1: provide them with the emotional support, not the other way around, 358 00:24:41,440 --> 00:24:45,200 Speaker 1: and we acted as their confident or their mediator. This 359 00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:50,160 Speaker 1: role reversal disrupts the natural process of maturing because we've 360 00:24:50,160 --> 00:24:54,080 Speaker 1: been forced to take on responsibilities as adolescents well beyond 361 00:24:54,119 --> 00:24:57,439 Speaker 1: what our years should require, and we were also denied 362 00:24:57,480 --> 00:25:00,000 Speaker 1: that kind of chance to be a little bit helpless 363 00:25:00,320 --> 00:25:04,119 Speaker 1: to have someone help us and to provide room for 364 00:25:04,240 --> 00:25:09,119 Speaker 1: us to make mistakes. The consequences of this advanced maturity 365 00:25:09,359 --> 00:25:11,960 Speaker 1: may show up later in life, you know, by us 366 00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:17,720 Speaker 1: acting out or doing impulsive, risky things because we didn't 367 00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:21,359 Speaker 1: get that opportunity as teenagers. We may also be highly 368 00:25:21,440 --> 00:25:26,360 Speaker 1: emotionally reactive, particularly when we feel a sense of restriction 369 00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:30,639 Speaker 1: or responsibility, because our inner teen is once again in 370 00:25:30,680 --> 00:25:35,560 Speaker 1: this situation in control. Those unhealed wounds are telling us 371 00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:39,000 Speaker 1: to act in a certain way based on past experiences, 372 00:25:39,040 --> 00:25:41,720 Speaker 1: and the same kind of goes for things like strict 373 00:25:41,800 --> 00:25:45,280 Speaker 1: parents that may have contained our identity, not kind of 374 00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:49,399 Speaker 1: allowing us to pass through that role confusion stage, or 375 00:25:49,520 --> 00:25:53,120 Speaker 1: to be exploratory or to make mistakes. This gives us 376 00:25:53,520 --> 00:25:57,479 Speaker 1: a sense of almost hatred for authority, and you may 377 00:25:57,520 --> 00:26:00,800 Speaker 1: struggle later in life with people in high positions, like 378 00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:04,920 Speaker 1: your boss telling you what to do acting in defiance 379 00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:08,400 Speaker 1: because it's triggering that teenage version of you who felt 380 00:26:08,440 --> 00:26:14,239 Speaker 1: misunderstood and wasn't allowed to make mistakes. Narcissistic parents and 381 00:26:14,280 --> 00:26:16,960 Speaker 1: also the kind of environment they created fall under the 382 00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:20,800 Speaker 1: same banner. I think it's a major contributor feeling like 383 00:26:20,880 --> 00:26:24,400 Speaker 1: you were forced to maintain a certain image for their benefit. 384 00:26:24,520 --> 00:26:27,920 Speaker 1: That might come with a lot of future rebellion or anger. 385 00:26:27,960 --> 00:26:33,240 Speaker 1: And then finally, major life changes and adolescents, and I'm 386 00:26:33,280 --> 00:26:36,639 Speaker 1: talking about things like the death of a parent or 387 00:26:36,680 --> 00:26:41,240 Speaker 1: a close family member, maybe divorce, maybe you moved around 388 00:26:41,280 --> 00:26:45,080 Speaker 1: a lot. What this all links to is a that 389 00:26:45,200 --> 00:26:49,080 Speaker 1: pressure to grow up too fast, not giving our teenage 390 00:26:49,119 --> 00:26:52,600 Speaker 1: self the time to properly come into their own and 391 00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:55,840 Speaker 1: experience the important events they needed to at the proper 392 00:26:55,880 --> 00:27:00,600 Speaker 1: time and be a sense of alienation or disconnet and 393 00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:04,119 Speaker 1: with that a lot of unresolved emotions like frustration and 394 00:27:04,240 --> 00:27:09,000 Speaker 1: rage and resentment. The kind of simplified premise of why 395 00:27:09,080 --> 00:27:11,760 Speaker 1: we need to focus on our innertain and not just 396 00:27:11,840 --> 00:27:16,120 Speaker 1: our inner child is this. The wounds we carry from 397 00:27:16,160 --> 00:27:19,600 Speaker 1: our adolescents are going to be a lot more nuanced 398 00:27:19,720 --> 00:27:23,840 Speaker 1: than the unmet needs we faced as children. They will overlap, 399 00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:27,840 Speaker 1: but how they show up later in life is profoundly 400 00:27:27,880 --> 00:27:32,000 Speaker 1: different in that our teenage wounds are a lot more active. So, 401 00:27:32,119 --> 00:27:35,400 Speaker 1: for example, our inner child wants peace and they want 402 00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:38,560 Speaker 1: love and security, and our inner teens want that as well, 403 00:27:38,560 --> 00:27:42,239 Speaker 1: but they also want expression and identity and rage, but 404 00:27:42,320 --> 00:27:46,639 Speaker 1: ultimately acceptance. So what I want to discuss next is 405 00:27:46,760 --> 00:27:50,679 Speaker 1: how to actually heal this wound and come to regard 406 00:27:50,760 --> 00:27:53,080 Speaker 1: it as a really important element of who we are. 407 00:27:53,160 --> 00:27:55,880 Speaker 1: And you know, as they say, we sometimes do really 408 00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:58,199 Speaker 1: need to shake hands with who we are and to 409 00:27:58,280 --> 00:28:01,720 Speaker 1: reach that next stage of self action. Part of that 410 00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:05,960 Speaker 1: process is managing those inner feelings and those inner wounds. 411 00:28:06,040 --> 00:28:08,239 Speaker 1: So we're going to talk about all of that and 412 00:28:08,320 --> 00:28:17,000 Speaker 1: more after this short break. When I think about my 413 00:28:17,200 --> 00:28:22,400 Speaker 1: teenage self, I really remember this girl who was really 414 00:28:22,440 --> 00:28:25,600 Speaker 1: struggling with a sense of place and identity. I haven't 415 00:28:25,600 --> 00:28:28,440 Speaker 1: really spoken much about like my high school experience because 416 00:28:28,440 --> 00:28:31,119 Speaker 1: it feels like a lifetime ago. But I went to 417 00:28:31,160 --> 00:28:35,720 Speaker 1: this like really progressive school where everyone was studying you know, 418 00:28:35,840 --> 00:28:38,800 Speaker 1: music or art, and you know, it was in Brunswick 419 00:28:39,120 --> 00:28:43,040 Speaker 1: in Melbourne, so everyone was just like really cool. They 420 00:28:43,080 --> 00:28:47,360 Speaker 1: were really cool, and I did not feel cool. I 421 00:28:47,440 --> 00:28:51,160 Speaker 1: was academic, I was really studious. I played the trum bone, 422 00:28:51,760 --> 00:28:55,680 Speaker 1: and I never really felt like anyone understood me. Felt 423 00:28:55,800 --> 00:28:59,400 Speaker 1: very alone, and that created a lot of negative feelings, 424 00:28:59,400 --> 00:29:02,959 Speaker 1: probably a bit of depression, but also anger at the 425 00:29:03,000 --> 00:29:06,880 Speaker 1: world for kind of treating me unfairly. On the other 426 00:29:06,960 --> 00:29:09,480 Speaker 1: side of this was this need to be a good girl. 427 00:29:09,520 --> 00:29:12,120 Speaker 1: I wasn't going to be a bad girl because I 428 00:29:12,120 --> 00:29:15,480 Speaker 1: didn't fit in with the kind of kids that were rebelling, 429 00:29:15,520 --> 00:29:18,560 Speaker 1: and I also wanted everyone to like me. I needed 430 00:29:18,560 --> 00:29:21,840 Speaker 1: the validation of others like it was like it was water. 431 00:29:21,960 --> 00:29:24,560 Speaker 1: And when I didn't receive it, when I didn't get 432 00:29:24,560 --> 00:29:27,400 Speaker 1: the grades that I wanted or I felt excluded, I 433 00:29:27,440 --> 00:29:30,120 Speaker 1: would project that kind of onto my parents or onto 434 00:29:30,160 --> 00:29:33,240 Speaker 1: like the system. So I think what I've reflected on 435 00:29:33,480 --> 00:29:36,000 Speaker 1: a lot is that in many ways I really didn't 436 00:29:36,000 --> 00:29:39,280 Speaker 1: allow myself a teenage experience because I was a always 437 00:29:39,400 --> 00:29:42,760 Speaker 1: worried about what others thought of me, and B I 438 00:29:42,800 --> 00:29:45,240 Speaker 1: was really deeply committed to being good. And you know, 439 00:29:45,800 --> 00:29:48,960 Speaker 1: you know what happened after high school. I completely regressed 440 00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:53,320 Speaker 1: and I became incredibly rebellious because I hadn't allowed myself 441 00:29:53,360 --> 00:29:56,280 Speaker 1: to act out, to try different versions of myself. So 442 00:29:56,320 --> 00:29:58,880 Speaker 1: when I went to UNI, I decided I wanted to 443 00:29:59,080 --> 00:30:01,920 Speaker 1: speed up that pro I wanted to grow up quickly 444 00:30:01,960 --> 00:30:05,880 Speaker 1: like we talked about, and I kind of partied really hard. 445 00:30:05,920 --> 00:30:09,720 Speaker 1: I got tattoos, I spent all my money going to Europe. 446 00:30:09,760 --> 00:30:12,960 Speaker 1: I dyed my hair, I smoked cigarettes behind my college block. 447 00:30:13,120 --> 00:30:17,400 Speaker 1: I missed classes because my inner tein now I can see, 448 00:30:17,560 --> 00:30:20,520 Speaker 1: really missed out and she was trying to make up 449 00:30:20,600 --> 00:30:24,520 Speaker 1: for lost time. Slowly, as I got older, I obviously 450 00:30:24,600 --> 00:30:27,800 Speaker 1: have begun to settle down and I came to terms 451 00:30:27,880 --> 00:30:30,960 Speaker 1: with what was really at the root of this behavior 452 00:30:31,360 --> 00:30:34,800 Speaker 1: that seemed so very contradictory to the version of myself, 453 00:30:35,120 --> 00:30:38,200 Speaker 1: you know, twelve even six months before. And the first 454 00:30:38,200 --> 00:30:40,920 Speaker 1: step to coming to terms with that was where I 455 00:30:41,280 --> 00:30:44,960 Speaker 1: noticing where I hurt, what was I afraid of that 456 00:30:45,120 --> 00:30:48,440 Speaker 1: was causing this behavior, Because not all of it was bad, 457 00:30:48,520 --> 00:30:50,480 Speaker 1: as we'll talk about in a second. You know, contained 458 00:30:50,520 --> 00:30:54,240 Speaker 1: rebellion is actually one really valuable way to get in 459 00:30:54,280 --> 00:30:57,480 Speaker 1: touch with your inner tain. But really, you know, what 460 00:30:57,560 --> 00:31:00,959 Speaker 1: was I fighting? What was at that core, and it 461 00:31:01,080 --> 00:31:06,440 Speaker 1: was this very foundational insecurity. I wanted to belong, I 462 00:31:06,480 --> 00:31:09,280 Speaker 1: wanted to be liked. I never felt like I was 463 00:31:09,440 --> 00:31:12,680 Speaker 1: meant to be somewhere, and I never really gave myself 464 00:31:12,720 --> 00:31:15,920 Speaker 1: permission to make mistakes, and so all of that pain 465 00:31:16,120 --> 00:31:19,840 Speaker 1: and suppression had bubbled to the surface. I think if 466 00:31:19,880 --> 00:31:22,280 Speaker 1: you want to heal your entertain you have to be 467 00:31:22,280 --> 00:31:25,800 Speaker 1: able to identify or when they have control or are 468 00:31:25,840 --> 00:31:29,160 Speaker 1: reacting to this situation. I want to return to those 469 00:31:29,240 --> 00:31:34,680 Speaker 1: indicators from before, so things like being highly emotionally reactive, 470 00:31:35,800 --> 00:31:44,440 Speaker 1: angry outbursts, self sabotaging, withdrawing, replicating early romantic experiences, and regression. 471 00:31:45,360 --> 00:31:47,800 Speaker 1: I Also, I think part of that is under self 472 00:31:47,840 --> 00:31:52,080 Speaker 1: sabotaging behaviors is things like overspending and things like procrastination. 473 00:31:52,320 --> 00:31:55,840 Speaker 1: So let's kind of look at overspending as an example. 474 00:31:56,600 --> 00:32:00,400 Speaker 1: Money is something that we all struggle with. Would say, 475 00:32:00,400 --> 00:32:04,880 Speaker 1: I think our relationship to spending is highly influenced by 476 00:32:05,560 --> 00:32:08,160 Speaker 1: how money was approached in our adolescence and within our 477 00:32:08,160 --> 00:32:12,920 Speaker 1: family system. It's a very unique in a teen experience 478 00:32:13,040 --> 00:32:16,280 Speaker 1: to worry about money because I think we only really 479 00:32:16,400 --> 00:32:20,600 Speaker 1: become conscious of its value in those later years. So 480 00:32:20,760 --> 00:32:24,040 Speaker 1: if your family always struggle with money, when you kind 481 00:32:24,040 --> 00:32:27,240 Speaker 1: of begin to make your own income, you might find 482 00:32:27,360 --> 00:32:32,960 Speaker 1: that it's really hard to not spend without thinking kind 483 00:32:33,000 --> 00:32:36,800 Speaker 1: of as a way to fulfill material needs that you 484 00:32:36,840 --> 00:32:40,400 Speaker 1: never felt you got to experience at a younger age. 485 00:32:41,040 --> 00:32:44,440 Speaker 1: And adulthood is expensive, so you know, spending money on 486 00:32:44,520 --> 00:32:47,360 Speaker 1: your rent or to fix your car, or for healthcare. 487 00:32:48,000 --> 00:32:50,200 Speaker 1: That is not what I would call overspending. It's the 488 00:32:50,280 --> 00:32:54,120 Speaker 1: money we put towards our wants rather than our needs. 489 00:32:54,720 --> 00:32:57,920 Speaker 1: So if you find that you have a tendency to 490 00:32:58,040 --> 00:33:02,240 Speaker 1: overspend when you're stress or when you're lonely, or you 491 00:33:02,320 --> 00:33:06,760 Speaker 1: feel out of control, maybe that's urinity. In that moment, 492 00:33:07,280 --> 00:33:10,719 Speaker 1: you have to recognize this version of yourself is kind 493 00:33:10,760 --> 00:33:14,640 Speaker 1: of asking you to recognize them, is asking you to 494 00:33:14,760 --> 00:33:18,160 Speaker 1: look at them face on and really trying to assert 495 00:33:18,240 --> 00:33:22,200 Speaker 1: their independence and authority, kind of at the detriment of 496 00:33:22,240 --> 00:33:26,440 Speaker 1: your adult sense of responsibility. Now, the crucial tip here 497 00:33:26,520 --> 00:33:29,840 Speaker 1: is to not fully suppress this behavior. We know from 498 00:33:29,960 --> 00:33:35,800 Speaker 1: psychological research that suppressing certain urges is about as effective 499 00:33:36,360 --> 00:33:39,560 Speaker 1: as complete avoidance or abstinence. It may feel effective in 500 00:33:39,600 --> 00:33:42,800 Speaker 1: the short term, but over time you cannot rely on 501 00:33:42,880 --> 00:33:48,000 Speaker 1: willpower alone. That behavior of feeling or instinct is going 502 00:33:48,040 --> 00:33:51,720 Speaker 1: to feel more taboo and therefore a lot more attractive, 503 00:33:52,400 --> 00:33:56,280 Speaker 1: and I guess you'll relapse, you'll feel shame, you'll spend more, 504 00:33:56,880 --> 00:34:00,239 Speaker 1: and you're back in the toxic cycle with your kind 505 00:34:00,240 --> 00:34:03,480 Speaker 1: of wounded teen at the wheel. So you need to 506 00:34:03,560 --> 00:34:08,239 Speaker 1: find an outlet and give yourself permission to actually connect 507 00:34:08,280 --> 00:34:12,600 Speaker 1: with that need, acknowledge where it's coming from and why, 508 00:34:13,200 --> 00:34:17,400 Speaker 1: and then treat it like a welcome visitor. For example, 509 00:34:17,960 --> 00:34:20,879 Speaker 1: budgeting for free spend money that you can spend on 510 00:34:21,320 --> 00:34:25,440 Speaker 1: whatever you want within limits. Anger is another example. Often 511 00:34:25,520 --> 00:34:29,160 Speaker 1: when our wounded teen is kind of speaking up, it's 512 00:34:29,239 --> 00:34:34,200 Speaker 1: through things like rage or outbursts or tantrums, and it's 513 00:34:34,480 --> 00:34:37,120 Speaker 1: possibly caused by us feeling the need to suppress this 514 00:34:37,280 --> 00:34:39,960 Speaker 1: feeling for quite a while. And if we look at 515 00:34:39,960 --> 00:34:43,480 Speaker 1: the origins, it may have been that as a child, 516 00:34:43,600 --> 00:34:48,319 Speaker 1: you weren't really given permission to feel emotions intensely, so 517 00:34:48,360 --> 00:34:50,640 Speaker 1: as an adult you don't have the same level of 518 00:34:50,680 --> 00:34:53,880 Speaker 1: self control that others may have. It feels nice to 519 00:34:53,960 --> 00:34:59,160 Speaker 1: be angry, it's highly satisfying, but you need to channel 520 00:34:59,200 --> 00:35:01,799 Speaker 1: that in a product active way to satisfy both your 521 00:35:01,800 --> 00:35:05,319 Speaker 1: inneriteen's needs and your adult needs as well. So go 522 00:35:05,400 --> 00:35:07,360 Speaker 1: to a rage room. I did one of those the 523 00:35:07,400 --> 00:35:10,160 Speaker 1: other day. It was honestly so fun. You can go 524 00:35:10,160 --> 00:35:13,040 Speaker 1: to a boxing class, or better yet, go to a 525 00:35:13,160 --> 00:35:17,480 Speaker 1: nice secluded spot out in nature and just scream or 526 00:35:17,560 --> 00:35:21,239 Speaker 1: dance intensely in your room headphones on Blink one eighty two. 527 00:35:21,840 --> 00:35:26,480 Speaker 1: Some Fearless by Taylor Swift, classic teenage angst albums, and 528 00:35:26,560 --> 00:35:30,920 Speaker 1: let out all of that steam. Emotions like rage and anger, 529 00:35:30,960 --> 00:35:34,080 Speaker 1: they are stored in the body. This study conducted in 530 00:35:34,080 --> 00:35:37,640 Speaker 1: twenty sixteen. It was published in the Oxford Academic. It 531 00:35:37,719 --> 00:35:42,239 Speaker 1: found that anger can create muscle tension and automatic arousal 532 00:35:42,760 --> 00:35:46,480 Speaker 1: in certain areas of the brain. So giving this feeling 533 00:35:46,520 --> 00:35:50,440 Speaker 1: of physical expression will stop you from doing so inappropriately. 534 00:35:50,480 --> 00:35:55,239 Speaker 1: And it feels so nice to give yourself permission to 535 00:35:55,400 --> 00:35:59,960 Speaker 1: actually feel, rather than scolding your enterteen, as you know 536 00:36:00,120 --> 00:36:03,319 Speaker 1: was often done by your parents or by teachers. Do 537 00:36:03,680 --> 00:36:06,399 Speaker 1: you know, express that in a productive way. And that's 538 00:36:06,440 --> 00:36:09,440 Speaker 1: also really important because a lot of researchers have concluded 539 00:36:09,480 --> 00:36:12,120 Speaker 1: that when we store anger and then we let it 540 00:36:12,120 --> 00:36:15,960 Speaker 1: out through lashing out or drinking or other things like that, 541 00:36:16,560 --> 00:36:20,680 Speaker 1: this just creates addictive behaviors. So give in and let 542 00:36:20,719 --> 00:36:23,839 Speaker 1: go in a way that is emotionally fulfilling. And when 543 00:36:23,840 --> 00:36:26,279 Speaker 1: you catch yourself governed by your wounded in a teen, 544 00:36:27,000 --> 00:36:30,680 Speaker 1: it's important to not believe everything that they're telling you. 545 00:36:30,680 --> 00:36:33,280 Speaker 1: You know, you don't want to feed into those beliefs 546 00:36:33,280 --> 00:36:37,560 Speaker 1: that you'll never be loved or accepted or happy. Positively 547 00:36:38,000 --> 00:36:41,520 Speaker 1: reaffirm why all of that isn't true. Speaking to them 548 00:36:41,560 --> 00:36:43,640 Speaker 1: as if they are a separate person, is if they 549 00:36:44,120 --> 00:36:46,520 Speaker 1: you know that version of you, that angry, you know, 550 00:36:46,600 --> 00:36:50,839 Speaker 1: depressed teenager is sitting in front of you right now, 551 00:36:51,480 --> 00:36:53,400 Speaker 1: and then try to switch back to your adult self, 552 00:36:53,840 --> 00:36:57,040 Speaker 1: focus on the life you've now created for yourself, knowing 553 00:36:57,080 --> 00:37:02,160 Speaker 1: you will be okay, and comfort them that foresight. There's 554 00:37:02,200 --> 00:37:05,160 Speaker 1: one final method here that I really want to discuss. 555 00:37:05,360 --> 00:37:09,640 Speaker 1: So I discovered this technique through this podcast called the 556 00:37:09,680 --> 00:37:14,200 Speaker 1: Adult Chair Podcast by Michelle Chalfan. Now, when I say 557 00:37:14,200 --> 00:37:19,360 Speaker 1: this method has absolutely changed my life, I'm being dead serious. 558 00:37:19,520 --> 00:37:23,200 Speaker 1: And in all of my courses in psychology studies, I 559 00:37:23,320 --> 00:37:26,399 Speaker 1: really i'd never heard of this before. So what this 560 00:37:26,560 --> 00:37:30,000 Speaker 1: method asks you to do is to use three chairs 561 00:37:30,040 --> 00:37:34,239 Speaker 1: to represent or symbolize you're in a child, you're in 562 00:37:34,280 --> 00:37:37,680 Speaker 1: a teen, and your current self your adult self. And 563 00:37:37,840 --> 00:37:41,360 Speaker 1: working with this model, we're going to understand how you 564 00:37:41,400 --> 00:37:44,320 Speaker 1: feel on the inside and what needs to be healed, 565 00:37:44,360 --> 00:37:47,920 Speaker 1: what might be damaged. So you sit with the three chairs, 566 00:37:48,080 --> 00:37:51,040 Speaker 1: real or imagined, and you speak to each of these 567 00:37:51,120 --> 00:37:55,680 Speaker 1: versions of yourself. What stories would your teenage self tell you? 568 00:37:56,400 --> 00:37:59,160 Speaker 1: What was going on in that phase of life and 569 00:37:59,200 --> 00:38:03,640 Speaker 1: how did that feel. Literally monologue as if you were 570 00:38:03,680 --> 00:38:07,279 Speaker 1: that version of yourself writing your autobiography. I don't know. 571 00:38:07,320 --> 00:38:09,440 Speaker 1: This is kind of intimate and a bit vulnerable. But 572 00:38:09,520 --> 00:38:11,440 Speaker 1: the first time I did this, I also had my 573 00:38:11,640 --> 00:38:14,560 Speaker 1: old journals from when I was a teenager. If you've 574 00:38:14,560 --> 00:38:16,719 Speaker 1: got your old journals, you should really read through them 575 00:38:16,719 --> 00:38:21,320 Speaker 1: because it was so emotionally profound. I genuinely cried because 576 00:38:21,840 --> 00:38:24,520 Speaker 1: it felt so real and so honest and raw, and 577 00:38:24,600 --> 00:38:27,879 Speaker 1: it made me contemplate things that I hadn't for so long, 578 00:38:27,920 --> 00:38:30,920 Speaker 1: and remember things that I could see in my current behavior, 579 00:38:31,280 --> 00:38:34,120 Speaker 1: and take that load for them, you know, tell them 580 00:38:34,160 --> 00:38:37,560 Speaker 1: that everything is going to be okay, tell them about 581 00:38:37,560 --> 00:38:40,680 Speaker 1: the things they never would have expected, that it does 582 00:38:40,760 --> 00:38:42,799 Speaker 1: get better, that you're pushing through, and that you love 583 00:38:42,880 --> 00:38:46,080 Speaker 1: them now. I know when I talk about these techniques 584 00:38:46,160 --> 00:38:49,360 Speaker 1: some people find them quite strange, but I think what 585 00:38:49,560 --> 00:38:53,319 Speaker 1: the very simple psychology would tell you is that it 586 00:38:53,440 --> 00:38:58,239 Speaker 1: is your job to process how your memories and experiences 587 00:38:58,400 --> 00:39:01,759 Speaker 1: have shaped you out of that is, integrating them into 588 00:39:01,760 --> 00:39:05,080 Speaker 1: the current version of yourself, finding a place where these 589 00:39:05,160 --> 00:39:09,200 Speaker 1: experiences sit in your current reality. This is kind of 590 00:39:09,280 --> 00:39:12,960 Speaker 1: just one exercise that allows us to do that, and 591 00:39:13,000 --> 00:39:16,160 Speaker 1: it kind of lets us answer that deep question at 592 00:39:16,200 --> 00:39:19,680 Speaker 1: the very core of inner teen healing. What does this 593 00:39:19,880 --> 00:39:23,520 Speaker 1: version of myself need? What are they missing right now 594 00:39:23,640 --> 00:39:26,160 Speaker 1: that is causing them to react, and how can I 595 00:39:26,239 --> 00:39:29,279 Speaker 1: give them that? It's also valuable to know. I think, 596 00:39:29,400 --> 00:39:32,919 Speaker 1: much like in a child healing, healing you're inner teen 597 00:39:33,280 --> 00:39:36,560 Speaker 1: is a lifelong process, but one that gets easier. I 598 00:39:36,600 --> 00:39:40,040 Speaker 1: think some final reminders would be this, with anything that 599 00:39:40,080 --> 00:39:43,160 Speaker 1: happens in life, you need to choose to be gentle 600 00:39:43,200 --> 00:39:48,160 Speaker 1: with yourself self Punishment unfortunately, never works. It's really just 601 00:39:48,239 --> 00:39:52,200 Speaker 1: our ego punishing us or relieving a sense of guilt 602 00:39:52,239 --> 00:39:55,520 Speaker 1: that we don't know how to process. To make friends 603 00:39:55,520 --> 00:39:58,799 Speaker 1: with who you are, Your past self helped you get here, 604 00:39:59,280 --> 00:40:03,200 Speaker 1: whatever they want through whatever ways they were misbehaving or 605 00:40:03,239 --> 00:40:06,600 Speaker 1: were cringe. It's all still valuable. It's all part of 606 00:40:06,640 --> 00:40:09,840 Speaker 1: the journey, and part of that is three getting to 607 00:40:09,880 --> 00:40:11,759 Speaker 1: know yourself better. I think at the core of this 608 00:40:11,840 --> 00:40:15,360 Speaker 1: podcast is the idea that all of us could benefit 609 00:40:15,520 --> 00:40:20,319 Speaker 1: from some additional introspection and self awareness, and if part 610 00:40:20,320 --> 00:40:23,240 Speaker 1: of that is acknowledging your teenage wounds, then I really 611 00:40:23,239 --> 00:40:26,600 Speaker 1: think that's amazing. So I really hope that this episode 612 00:40:26,600 --> 00:40:29,280 Speaker 1: has benefited you. We talk so much about inner child 613 00:40:29,280 --> 00:40:32,400 Speaker 1: healing on this podcast. I think that our teenage selves 614 00:40:32,440 --> 00:40:35,320 Speaker 1: get a little bit neglected at times, which is not helpful, 615 00:40:35,440 --> 00:40:38,240 Speaker 1: as we have learned. So I'm hoping that this episode 616 00:40:38,239 --> 00:40:41,640 Speaker 1: has really allowed you to contemplate how this version of 617 00:40:41,640 --> 00:40:45,120 Speaker 1: you is showing up in your life and yeah, just 618 00:40:45,440 --> 00:40:47,840 Speaker 1: where you're at with that version of you? Did you 619 00:40:48,080 --> 00:40:52,400 Speaker 1: feel lonely, did you feel neglected? Did you feel angry 620 00:40:52,440 --> 00:40:54,920 Speaker 1: at the world? And have you really come to terms 621 00:40:54,960 --> 00:40:57,920 Speaker 1: with what that meant and how that's still impacting you. 622 00:40:58,160 --> 00:41:01,800 Speaker 1: So I'm so glad you've made it this far. As always, 623 00:41:01,880 --> 00:41:05,080 Speaker 1: if you enjoyed this episode, please feel free to share 624 00:41:05,080 --> 00:41:07,399 Speaker 1: it with a friend or give us a five star 625 00:41:07,480 --> 00:41:11,520 Speaker 1: review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening. Right now, 626 00:41:11,600 --> 00:41:13,800 Speaker 1: I'm going to plug my Patreon here. If you like 627 00:41:13,880 --> 00:41:17,440 Speaker 1: this episode, for just one dollar a month, one dollar, 628 00:41:17,920 --> 00:41:20,839 Speaker 1: one dollar, you can help me make more of this show. 629 00:41:20,880 --> 00:41:23,640 Speaker 1: It's really just me here doing it all, writing the episodes, 630 00:41:23,640 --> 00:41:25,960 Speaker 1: doing the research, and I love it so much, but 631 00:41:26,120 --> 00:41:27,960 Speaker 1: there is a lot of work that goes behind it, 632 00:41:28,040 --> 00:41:30,840 Speaker 1: so I really appreciate the support and if you have 633 00:41:30,880 --> 00:41:35,400 Speaker 1: an episode suggestion, follow us at that Psychology Podcast on Instagram. 634 00:41:35,480 --> 00:41:37,520 Speaker 1: I love to hear what's going on in your lives 635 00:41:38,040 --> 00:41:40,080 Speaker 1: and you can see video content over there and just 636 00:41:40,120 --> 00:41:42,719 Speaker 1: be part of the community. So we will be back 637 00:41:42,880 --> 00:41:48,680 Speaker 1: next week with another episode. Thanks