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Speaker 1: This is the most dramatic podcast ever and iHeartRadio podcast.

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Speaker 1: Chris Harrison and Lauren Zema coming to you from Austin, Texas.

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Speaker 1: Opening up the playbook once again, LZ, what are we

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Speaker 1: talking about?

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Speaker 2: Okay, big topic today, something I think you and I

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Speaker 2: have had a lot of experience with as a couple.

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Speaker 2: Do you have to do everything together?

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Speaker 1: Yes, that's the end of this playbook. We are inseparable.

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Speaker 1: I'll talk to you next time.

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Speaker 2: Well, I think this is an important playbook situation in

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Speaker 2: a relationship. How do you play it? It kind of

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Speaker 2: popped up into my mind because on the new season

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Speaker 2: of Real Housewives of New York there was a husband

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Speaker 2: in kind of an extreme situation. He was going on

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Speaker 2: these solo trips to Vietnam for like a day each time.

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Speaker 2: It raised some questions from the other women on the show.

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Speaker 2: They were a little suspicious, why is he doing this?

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Speaker 2: He said it was to a crew airline miles and

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Speaker 2: he also said, which might have come across a little mean.

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Speaker 2: He said it was to get away from his wife

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Speaker 2: and kids. He said he would take a first class

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Speaker 2: trip to Vietnam just to literally get some alone time

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Speaker 2: on a plane, to get served great food. He'd kind

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Speaker 2: of spend one night in Vietnam and then come back.

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Speaker 2: Now his wife said she didn't care. She said, I

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Speaker 2: let him be who he is and do what he wants.

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Speaker 2: It's fine by me and you guys, this is not

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Speaker 2: your business, and he's doing it to a crew his

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Speaker 2: miles and get a little alone time. I will admit

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Speaker 2: that I fell in the camp of being a little skeptical.

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Speaker 2: It's a little odd to go to Vietnam for one

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Speaker 2: night alone. But hey, I don't know what it's like

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Speaker 2: to have twin two year olds as this couple does.

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Speaker 2: But I did think no matter what his reasoning was.

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Speaker 2: On the one hand, it felt a little hurtful for

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Speaker 2: him to say, I'm trying to get away from my

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Speaker 2: wife and kids. On the other hand, I do think

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Speaker 2: alone time is important. So the question is do you

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Speaker 2: have to do everything together? Should you be together all

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Speaker 2: the time? What's healthiest for a relationship?

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Speaker 1: First of all, I call complete bullshit on that guy.

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Speaker 2: Yikes, he's in the hot seat.

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Speaker 1: Okay, you know what blew it for me? Getting served

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Speaker 1: a great meal like on the airplane. In the last

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Speaker 1: forty five years, when was the last time you had

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Speaker 1: a really good meal on an airplane. Elz and I

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Speaker 1: were just on a plane two days ago, and we

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Speaker 1: were in the back of the plane, and you know,

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Speaker 1: you could see through the secret sheer curtain in.

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Speaker 2: The first class, first class cabin.

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Speaker 1: And by the way, the people in first class, you're

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Speaker 1: no longer in first class either. The dude was handing

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Speaker 1: out a cardboard box, literally handing out a box of food.

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Speaker 1: So I and I know, when you travel abroad it

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Speaker 1: gets a little bit better, but it ain't.

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Speaker 2: It's not what I used to you.

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Speaker 1: You're not You're not sitting back having a great meal. Now.

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Speaker 1: I've been to Vietnam. We shot the show there. I

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Speaker 1: love Vietnam, and I agree. The food was so good.

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Speaker 1: I loved it.

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Speaker 2: He says he wants to go to get a bond

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Speaker 2: me sandwich.

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Speaker 1: Oh God, okay. So I do think it is very vital.

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Speaker 1: It is very important. And I think this comes with

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Speaker 1: age and wisdom. I think when I was younger, and

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Speaker 1: I think younger couples tend to think we need to

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Speaker 1: do everything together. We are together, We're bonded. We're gonna

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Speaker 1: travel together. When you ongo on golf trips, I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: go and I'm gonna walk with you at Pebble Beach,

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Speaker 1: and look, I think that's fine sometimes and I see

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Speaker 1: couple doing that a lot. But you, and this is

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Speaker 1: one of the many things I love about you are

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Speaker 1: very good about babe. Your stuff does not need to

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Speaker 1: be mine. My stuff does not need to be yours.

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Speaker 1: I love things that you're not gonna love, and vice versa.

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Speaker 1: I'm not gonna do everything with you, and it's important

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Speaker 1: that we keep those things that we love, our passions,

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Speaker 1: our hobbies and whatever that may be for us. It's

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Speaker 1: golfing and you know, I'll go biking or whatever. You

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Speaker 1: don't need to do that.

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Speaker 2: I don't, but I do think we should note and

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Speaker 2: be honest and open here. We did have a little

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Speaker 2: bit of a bump in the road with that. I

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Speaker 2: think we had a miscommunication on like, on the one hand,

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Speaker 2: you've always applauded me and said that you love that

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Speaker 2: I'm independent, I do what I like to do, and

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Speaker 2: that I support you doing what you like to do,

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Speaker 2: and then I'm not needy. But on the other hand,

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Speaker 2: I do think we had to find that middle ground

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Speaker 2: more so than I realized. You or maybe a little

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Speaker 2: hurt sometimes by my level of independence, Like I think

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Speaker 2: that when I because I'd be like, I'm going on

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Speaker 2: a girl's trip and I basically wouldn't call you for

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Speaker 2: five days. And I do think that maybe hurt or

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Speaker 2: I don't know, hurt, it's not the right word.

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Speaker 1: I I wanted to know what that independence meant, what

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Speaker 1: you were getting from it, what you needed, and then

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Speaker 1: also being able to communicate and.

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Speaker 2: Know well and you know what independence isn't the right word.

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Speaker 2: And maybe this is the important clarity point. I think

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Speaker 2: you took it as I'm so no independent, I don't

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Speaker 2: need you. But it wasn't about independence. It's about being

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Speaker 2: present when I'm on my trips with my girlfriends, which

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Speaker 2: I do once a year with my sorority sisters. We

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Speaker 2: all live all over the country. I get one weekend

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Speaker 2: with them a year. I want to be so present

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Speaker 2: in that moment and I want And if you think

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Speaker 2: about it, this is something new couples deal with, very

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Speaker 2: new really in the grand scheme. Because of the age

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Speaker 2: of cell phones years not that long ago, you couldn't

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Speaker 2: necessarily call somebody or takes them all day.

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Speaker 1: Long distance from Vietnam was a big deal.

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Speaker 2: Right when you're on a trip with friends. Now, you

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Speaker 2: could be texting all day long if you want it to,

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Speaker 2: but I don't think you should be present in the moment.

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Speaker 1: It's really hard. You got to make an effort to

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Speaker 1: be present and put down your phone. Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Actually, we have to make the effort to not be

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Speaker 2: connected all the time.

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Speaker 1: I mean I did that last week. I mean I

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Speaker 1: was in one of my favorite places in the world,

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Speaker 1: which you encouraged. I went to Pebble Beach for a

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Speaker 1: big charity event with Tiger Woods and the tgr Foundation.

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Speaker 1: And you know that that foundation and Tiger and the people,

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Speaker 1: the women behind him that run the foundation mean a

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Speaker 1: lot to me. And so I kind of, at least

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Speaker 1: during the day would disconnect and enjoy Pebble Beach and

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Speaker 1: I'd go play golf and do the things, and then

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Speaker 1: you know, you can connect later. But I think it's

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Speaker 1: important to try to disconnect on some of these things.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, So we're advocates for trying not to do everything together.

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Speaker 1: I think it's I think it's vital, and it makes

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Speaker 1: me miss you. I love coming home. I like getting

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Speaker 1: excited about coming home, and I like I get excited

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Speaker 1: about missing you, And it's good to have again. It

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Speaker 1: builds stories. You come home, you have things to talk about.

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Speaker 1: It feeds you in a lot of ways.

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Speaker 2: Now, I will say there's a case by case of

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Speaker 2: like we, for example, are together a lot. We work together,

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Speaker 2: we have our production company together, we do this podcast together,

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Speaker 2: we are working on things together. So I think that

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Speaker 2: time away is good for us. Some people their spouse

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Speaker 2: work separately, is traveling a lot for work, so they

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Speaker 2: really need to make sure they're having that together time,

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Speaker 2: you know. I just think it's about balance and communication,

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Speaker 2: like I have.

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Speaker 1: Some couples need the opposite. Yeah, like we need time together.

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Speaker 2: We have friends who a guy we know, he travels

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Speaker 2: abroad for work. He's runs a company, and he can

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Speaker 2: be away for weeks at a time. And that's really

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Speaker 2: hard when you when we were together and you were

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Speaker 2: filming the show and you were gone for weeks at

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Speaker 2: a time, especially in the pandemic when you had to

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Speaker 2: quarantine for the show. I think at one point I

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Speaker 2: didn't see you for.

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Speaker 1: Two months, Yeah, month and a half for sure, at yeah,

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Speaker 1: ten twelve weeks, and.

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Speaker 2: That became that was a challenge because then we've been

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Speaker 2: apart for so long. It almost was hurting too. Have

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Speaker 2: you tell me about your day, because it was just

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Speaker 2: a reminder that we were apart.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, that sucks, that really sucked.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that was hard.

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Speaker 1: I didn't like that at all. Lakinta was was brutal.

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Speaker 2: Well, it was you know, you're away, you were away

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Speaker 2: from everybody you love.

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Speaker 1: That was a So I had to be away from

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Speaker 1: the kids, I had to be away from you.

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Speaker 2: But I do think that and maybe that's the good

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Speaker 2: point that there's a time limit on the time apart. Yes,

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Speaker 2: like when you're going on a three day trip, when

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Speaker 2: I'm going away for a weekend, disconnect. I'll figure out

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Speaker 2: my own stuff. I'll make my own plans. I love you,

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Speaker 2: have a great time and be present if you're gone

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Speaker 2: for a week, you know, I'd like for you to

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Speaker 2: call me once a night and yeah and hear about

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Speaker 2: your day.

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Speaker 1: For sure, there is the flip side to it, because

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Speaker 1: I have friends. I've had friends who abuse that time

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Speaker 1: and would go on golf trip after golf trip after

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Speaker 1: golf trip, and guys trip, whatever it is, and they

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Speaker 1: were gone all the time and their significant other was

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Speaker 1: not their home, taking care of the kids, their home,

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Speaker 1: you know, making sure the house runs.

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Speaker 2: Hard when someone's away having fun and the other person's

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Speaker 2: at home handling everything.

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Speaker 1: Just remember what's good for the goose, good for the gander,

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Speaker 1: and is needed for the gander. So the fact that

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Speaker 1: I think you and I share in our getting away

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Speaker 1: and usually we try to do it at the same time.

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Speaker 1: If you tell me, hey, I'm gonna go see my sister,

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna go go see my mom, I'm like, okay,

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Speaker 1: I'll jump out and go see my boys or something.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it definitely helps to be like I don't think

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Speaker 2: it's good when someone's at home and yeah, I mean

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Speaker 2: I know couples were there the one person will say, well,

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Speaker 2: he's off and I have nothing to do while he

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Speaker 2: was away. While he's away, and I tell that person

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Speaker 2: figure out something to do. Like I never think when

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Speaker 2: you leave, oh, I'm going to be home alone. I plan.

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Speaker 2: If I don't plan a trip to go see someone else,

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Speaker 2: I plan dinners with friends. I you know, figure out

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Speaker 2: stuff I'm going to do. I will go work out

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Speaker 2: a ton. So you have to stay busy, and.

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Speaker 1: I know and look and staying busy for people with

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Speaker 1: three or four kids, I know you don't have a

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Speaker 1: choice in your home and you're you know, I was

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Speaker 1: a single dad for ten years, and so I get it.

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Speaker 1: You wake up, make lunches, and then you're an uber

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Speaker 1: driver until nine thirty at night, and it's exhausting. And

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Speaker 1: then you know when your significant other comes home and

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Speaker 1: they're and they're like telling you how tired they are

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Speaker 1: because they you know, we're biking or golfing. Yeah, it's

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Speaker 1: not a great look. It's tough read the room and yeah, look,

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Speaker 1: there's a timeframe when I know that's difficult when you

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Speaker 1: have the kids and you have to be cognizant of that.

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Speaker 1: There's a point in time when it's just difficult to

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Speaker 1: take these trips and there's there's going to be less

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Speaker 1: of them.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, you've always been a really good advocate about that.

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Speaker 2: You have straight up called out some of our couple friends,

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Speaker 2: like your guy friends, and said, like, dude, your kids

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Speaker 2: are young. You can't go on every golf trip right now.

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Speaker 2: You have to You might have to have a couple

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Speaker 2: of years where that takes a back seat, and then

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Speaker 2: when the kids get older and more independent, then you

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Speaker 2: can do all those trips.

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Speaker 1: You know, where I am in my life, I get

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Speaker 1: to say yes to a lot of stuff I didn't

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Speaker 1: say yes to ten years ago.

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Speaker 2: But I will say, in defense of going back to

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Speaker 2: our friend who takes the solo trips to Vietnam, weird,

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Speaker 2: But I hear him on he needs a little bit

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Speaker 2: of alone time. Yeah, I think I can't imagine how

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Speaker 2: heart it is. I've never had young kids, but I

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Speaker 2: do just hear from friends of ours, and I don't

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Speaker 2: thing people advocate enough for like, look, when you have

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Speaker 2: young kids, you're trying to make time for the kids.

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Speaker 2: Then you got to make sure you try to make

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Speaker 2: time for each other. But what about a little time

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Speaker 2: for you, like a little time for your own mental piece.

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Speaker 2: I hear him a little bit on it.

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Speaker 1: I wonder if he ever says, Babe, I'm staying you

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Speaker 1: go take your girls, You'll go to a spot.

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Speaker 2: You think that would be a healthy thing as someone

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Speaker 2: who had young kids, is it a healthy thing if

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Speaker 2: you trade off? Like would you advise couples to say, hey,

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Speaker 2: tell your wife, tell your partner, you take the kids

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Speaker 2: for a night and the next week I'll do the

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Speaker 2: same for.

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Speaker 1: Sure, for sure, And what I noticed just in my

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Speaker 1: own household was you can see your significant other coming

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Speaker 1: to the end of their rope. Kids jobs are to

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Speaker 1: push you to the end of your rope. That's their

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Speaker 1: job is to drive you crazy. They wake up and

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Speaker 1: their job is to push boundaries, and your job is

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Speaker 1: to set those boundaries. And it's exhausting. So when you

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Speaker 1: see your significant other being, you know, the fuse is

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Speaker 1: a little short, the tempers a little short. They're just

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Speaker 1: a little afraid, you know, stop the music and say, hey,

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Speaker 1: get away, even if it's just tonight, if it's for

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Speaker 1: one night, or even if it's just for a few hours,

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Speaker 1: just get out of here.

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Speaker 2: The happiest couples I've seen, and it makes me feel

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Speaker 2: really like good about who my friends are with. I

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Speaker 2: have one a couple that you and I love, friends

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Speaker 2: of ours, Lindsay and John. And you pointed out to

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Speaker 2: me that when we go over to their house, I'm

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Speaker 2: my god, John's such a great husband, such a great dad.

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Speaker 2: And you said, that's because he does things without having

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Speaker 2: to be asked. That's the difference. She's not making him

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Speaker 2: a list. John's just doing things. And I've noticed as

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Speaker 2: her friend that when I come there, John makes sure

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Speaker 2: we have time together. They have a beautiful baby girl,

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Speaker 2: and John says, hey, I've got Julia, you guys going

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Speaker 2: to walk together, and.

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Speaker 1: He's still making margarita's.

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Speaker 2: And he makes the best margarita's.

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Speaker 1: Now. He's a pro. He's proactive. Love that seeing that

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Speaker 1: in a parent.

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Speaker 2: And he makes sure she has time and I know

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Speaker 2: that you know she does the same for him. They're

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Speaker 2: very good about that. And I think during a time

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Speaker 2: when they're both working and they have a young kid

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Speaker 2: a difficult time, that's really helping them. And because it

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Speaker 2: says to you that your spouse cares about you, it's

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Speaker 2: not even just about the time. It's about the fact

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Speaker 2: that you know your spouse cares to give you the time.

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Speaker 1: And then there's no resentment, and then you know.

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Speaker 2: That there's effort. It's you don't have as much resentment

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Speaker 2: when you know the person's trying. I want to really

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Speaker 2: quick before we end get to because this topic can

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Speaker 2: be a little all encompassing. The topic is the playbook

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Speaker 2: is do you have to do everything together? We've gotten

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Speaker 2: into vacation and trips, but let's also get into do

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Speaker 2: you have to like do each other's activities day and

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Speaker 2: day out? Do you have to do everything together?

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Speaker 1: For us?

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Speaker 2: I think the answer has been no, based on the

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Speaker 2: simple fact that I've never learned to play golf. But

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Speaker 2: I will say, you know, part of this was spurred

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Speaker 2: by Real Housewives. It's made me happy lately that you've

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Speaker 2: tried watching Real Housewives.

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Speaker 1: With me, and I love it, and I think.

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Speaker 2: But this is five years You've just started this.

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Speaker 1: And you, as much as we joke about sports, you

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Speaker 1: will go to a sporting event. You'll sit down, Like

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Speaker 1: if I'm watching the Cowboy game, you'll swing by and

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Speaker 1: stick your head in and be like, Hey, what's going on?

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Speaker 2: What's the score of that game?

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Speaker 1: I think the key is it's the investment. You invest

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Speaker 1: in things I care about. I want to invest in

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Speaker 1: things you care about. It doesn't mean I'm going to

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Speaker 1: stop and devote hours to Real Housewives or whatever it

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Speaker 1: is that you're doing, you know, going to home goods

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Speaker 1: or whatever, but I will encourage it, and if I

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Speaker 1: happen to be with you, I'll go with you. Like

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Speaker 1: it's fine. I'm not going to go every time, but

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Speaker 1: the investment and carrying and what someone else cares about

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Speaker 1: is important.

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Speaker 2: Yes, I think it's twofold one do you care? And

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Speaker 2: two do you try? The do you care? Is I

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Speaker 2: might not go plague golf with you, but I will

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Speaker 2: ask you what you shot, and I will ask you

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Speaker 2: if you had a good day, and we'll ask you

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Speaker 2: played with and if you had fun? And two do

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Speaker 2: you try I have ridden in the cart with you.

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Speaker 2: I will do it again. I'm not going to do

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Speaker 2: it all the time. But and then you know on

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Speaker 2: the other side, like have you just tried those things? Period?

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Speaker 2: I think it can be as simple as if your

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Speaker 2: partner has a favorite movie. It's the difference of do

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Speaker 2: you say I hate action movies, I'm never going to

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Speaker 2: watch that with you, or do you try watching it

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Speaker 2: and see if you like the movie. I'm not saying

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Speaker 2: you have to sit through it, but did you try?

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Speaker 2: And it always goes back back to effort. I think

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Speaker 2: you're right, effort and investment.

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Speaker 1: Like recently I made LZ watch con Air.

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Speaker 2: But you didn't make me said I wanted to try it.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, we wanted to say a horrible.

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Speaker 2: Movie, and that could be a whole playbook. That's a

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Speaker 2: hot take, but.

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Speaker 1: He's probably not wrong. I thought it was a great movie.

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Speaker 1: And when when you watch something with l Z, it's

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Speaker 1: like taking the filter off of it and you're right.

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Speaker 1: The cast is great, everything about it. But yeah, when

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Speaker 1: you when you look.

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Speaker 2: At it, the acting is so bad. You can really

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Speaker 2: take a great factor, but the acting is so bad.

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Speaker 2: The movie makes no sense. It's ridiculous. The script is bad.

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Speaker 2: I will say sometimes if you just grew up watching

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Speaker 2: a movie, you'll love it.

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Speaker 1: Well, that was it.

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Speaker 2: I think seeing it for the first time in my thirties,

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Speaker 2: I didn't love.

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Speaker 1: We have serious issues with the Rewatchables and Bill Simmons.

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Speaker 1: We'll have to talk to them about that. But in

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Speaker 1: the meantime, I agree. It's that investment and just caring.

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Speaker 1: And you're right, like just taking a moment to dive

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Speaker 1: into I'll make it this simple.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, you don't have to do everything together, but you

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Speaker 2: do have to try to do things together and try

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Speaker 2: doing what your partner likes and loves.

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Speaker 1: That's a great note to end on.

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Speaker 2: There is no no I was going to quote Yodda,

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Speaker 2: but I don't have it right so that.

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Speaker 1: You're going to quote on air. That would have been

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Speaker 1: a great ending quote. There is no try do just do.

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Speaker 2: Just do it okay anyway, And then.

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Speaker 1: We did the Nike slogan. We'll end on that. Thank

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Speaker 1: you so much for joining us. We love talking to

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Speaker 1: you each and every time, and we will do it

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Speaker 1: again next time because we have a lot more to

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Speaker 1: talk about. Thanks for listening. Follow us on Instagram at

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Speaker 1: the most Dramatic pod Ever, and make sure to write

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Speaker 1: us a review and leave us five stars. I'll talk

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Speaker 1: to you next time.