Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome to dear Chelsea. Hello, Chelsea, I heard
Speaker 1: that you received an award. That's very exciting. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: I did you, guys, I won the People's Choice Award
Speaker 1: for Best Comedy Tour for Vaccinated and Hoarding. I know,
Speaker 1: it's so exciting. It's so exciting, and I want to
Speaker 1: thank every single person that spent the time to vote
Speaker 1: for me, because I would never do that. I would
Speaker 1: never go and vote and sit there on a thing.
Speaker 1: So I just want to say thank you for all
Speaker 1: the people that did that. I really appreciate the love.
Speaker 1: And this tour has been awesome. We're adding new cities.
Speaker 1: We're adding l A. We just announced uh Mauie, Philly, Pittsburgh.
Speaker 1: We're adding a second show in Portland, and we have
Speaker 1: second shows up for Seattle, Winnipeg, Vancouver, Toronto, all of
Speaker 1: those places, and we are continuing to add dates. So
Speaker 1: make sure you go to Chelsea handler dot com to
Speaker 1: come see the People's Choice Award winning Vaccinated at Horny Tour.
Speaker 1: That's so I never win awards. I mean, well, I
Speaker 1: guess I do know, yeah, I mean exactly. We'll put
Speaker 1: that out in I don't know I'm nominated for a Grammy.
Speaker 1: You guys, I got nominated for a Grammy for my
Speaker 1: last special resolution for Best Comedy Album. It's O I
Speaker 1: cannot tell you the amount of emails we got about Evolution,
Speaker 1: Like of course it's the most recent one, but also
Speaker 1: people mentioned your other books and your other specials, but
Speaker 1: like this one, it's like it just touched so many
Speaker 1: people so deeply. Oh, I love that so much. That's
Speaker 1: so meaningful to me. Thank you. I mean, I woke up.
Speaker 1: We were in Hawaii for Thanksgiving, Joe and me, and
Speaker 1: then I woke up and I was like, my agent,
Speaker 1: Heidi was like, You've been nominated for a Grammy And
Speaker 1: I was like, I wrote back for what And she's like,
Speaker 1: for Best Comedy Album for Evolution with HBO Max. And
Speaker 1: I was like, Joe, I've been nominated for a Grammy
Speaker 1: and He's like what I mean? So that was really
Speaker 1: fucking awesome and I'm so excited. I mean, ever since
Speaker 1: Joe Coy came into my life, it's just been raining goodness.
Speaker 1: That's so wonderful. But it's also because you did the
Speaker 1: work and you leveled up and like all the good
Speaker 1: things were trickling in. Oh yeah, it feels really good.
Speaker 1: Thank you. I'm feeling really good that I dove deep
Speaker 1: into myself because the payoff doesn't come right away, but
Speaker 1: you see the results when you start to see them,
Speaker 1: you really see them. And and and yeah, it feels
Speaker 1: good to have done all of that stuff. Yeah, that's
Speaker 1: so good. Good, thank you. I'm very excited for today. Yeah,
Speaker 1: we have a very special guest. This girl is well,
Speaker 1: she's not a girl, she's a woman. But I like
Speaker 1: to call all my female friends girls because it keeps
Speaker 1: us young. She's a stand up comedian as well. She's
Speaker 1: an actress, she's a producer, she's a writer, she's got
Speaker 1: her own production company. She just came out with her
Speaker 1: new HBO Max special which was called Sorry Harriet Tubman,
Speaker 1: so please check that out. And her most recent book
Speaker 1: is called Please Don't Sit on My Bed in Your
Speaker 1: Outside Clothes. And her name is Phoebe Robinson. So welcome
Speaker 1: Phoebe Robinson. Thank you for having me, Chelsea Handler. This
Speaker 1: is great. I'm excited. Oh, I'm excited to see you.
Speaker 1: I know we just met recently. Well, we've met online
Speaker 1: on on Instagram, d m NG and stuff over the
Speaker 1: course of some months. But I had read one of
Speaker 1: your previous books, and you came to my show at
Speaker 1: the Beacond recently with your lover, who you talk about
Speaker 1: in your book Please don't sit on my bed in
Speaker 1: your outside clothes. You talk a lot about him, and
Speaker 1: a lot about how different you guys are from each
Speaker 1: other and what a successful relationship you are experiencing, which
Speaker 1: I found very inspiring and I think helpful for a
Speaker 1: lot of people to hear about, because you guys started
Speaker 1: out in a situation where it was a long distance
Speaker 1: and not looking very hopeful considering his career trajectory as
Speaker 1: well as your own. Yeah, I mean he so he
Speaker 1: works in music, he travels all the time, and when
Speaker 1: I met him in ten I didn't want to date,
Speaker 1: and I certainly didn't want to date like a tour
Speaker 1: manager for rock bands. I'm like, okay, so this guy
Speaker 1: is gonna like cheat on me, like do whatever, like
Speaker 1: who cares? And we just really hit it off, like
Speaker 1: I never expected to end up with a British guy.
Speaker 1: He's a little bit younger than me, four years younger,
Speaker 1: which I don't even know if that really counts as anything,
Speaker 1: but he's so great and honestly, like we do couples
Speaker 1: therapy like once every three months, just to like I
Speaker 1: feel like people don't want to talk about that, and
Speaker 1: just like your relationship is just supposed to be perfect,
Speaker 1: and it's like, no, it's not like it's two different
Speaker 1: people who have like different thoughts, different upbringings, different everything.
Speaker 1: It's you really have to be like all we're gonna
Speaker 1: like constantly check in and work on each other. But
Speaker 1: he's so amazing, he's so funny, and he's a much
Speaker 1: better person than me. So I really hit the jack
Speaker 1: box with him. Did you not want to date anybody
Speaker 1: at that time in your life or were you just
Speaker 1: to everything? So I was what about to turn thirty three,
Speaker 1: and I was just I come out of a long
Speaker 1: term relationship in which I thought I was going to
Speaker 1: marry that guy and then didn't happen. What happened there,
Speaker 1: it was just like it was so it was a
Speaker 1: lot of things, Like I think it just sort of
Speaker 1: like we were just growing apart differently, and like, to
Speaker 1: be fair, in my career at the time, was not
Speaker 1: anything to like write home about. Like I got like
Speaker 1: a writing job on this like crappy show and few
Speaker 1: TV that like no one watched and like the Tito
Speaker 1: Queen's podcast is about to come out, but he felt
Speaker 1: like a little like threatened by and I was like, dude,
Speaker 1: it's a podcast. It doesn't mean like my life is
Speaker 1: gonna Like I'm not like a famous person having a podcast.
Speaker 1: I'm like a broke comic having a podcast. It's like
Speaker 1: not the same thing. But he just sort of felt
Speaker 1: weird about it, and he was like, I don't want
Speaker 1: to be in your shadow, and I was like, there's
Speaker 1: no shadow there. Look at my bank account, there is
Speaker 1: no shadow. So I didn't work out. And then after that,
Speaker 1: I was like so thirsty. It was so desperate. I
Speaker 1: was like I need to find a new boyfriend. And
Speaker 1: then I got to a point where I was just like, girl,
Speaker 1: why are you so desperate to like being another relationship.
Speaker 1: So I was like, Okay, I'm just gonna take the
Speaker 1: next year to be by myself, figure out what who
Speaker 1: I am in my thirties now because I started dating
Speaker 1: this guy when I was in my twenties and just
Speaker 1: really sort of figure out like what do I want
Speaker 1: the next ten years of my life to be? And
Speaker 1: of course I mean my boyfriend. Like three months after
Speaker 1: I made that declaration here we are and here you are, guys,
Speaker 1: and and he and your your schedules aren't easy to
Speaker 1: work around. I mean, if it hadn't been for COVID,
Speaker 1: you guys wouldn't have been forced to spend that much
Speaker 1: time together. Yeah, in I would say we probably spent
Speaker 1: like thirty five thirty six weeks apart. Like it's just
Speaker 1: it's tough, you know, like you travel all the time
Speaker 1: and it's a grind. And so then with COVID and everything,
Speaker 1: we really had to like be around each other all
Speaker 1: day every day. And I love him and he loves me.
Speaker 1: But I think I'm a person who really needs their
Speaker 1: alone time to sort of like disn't work on myself.
Speaker 1: So I read this book called Quiet by Susan Caine,
Speaker 1: which is amazing and talked about like introverse extroverts, and
Speaker 1: I'm an ambiverse, I'm accommodation both. So when I'm around
Speaker 1: a lot of people, like I get my energies range,
Speaker 1: so I really need just like holl away for a
Speaker 1: while and they come back out. And so he was
Speaker 1: just like, oh, this is great. I could be around
Speaker 1: you like all the time. And I was like, I
Speaker 1: don't think I feel that way about anyone. That's how
Speaker 1: I am. I can relate to that a lot. I'm
Speaker 1: anna hamb avert, but I also can relate to I
Speaker 1: feel sucked dry when I you know, when I perform,
Speaker 1: if I have shows, like the next day, I need
Speaker 1: to be alone in my bed. It's not out and about.
Speaker 1: It's like if it's a big energy suck for me,
Speaker 1: which is something I didn't recognize earlier on in my life,
Speaker 1: which is why I would, you know, my battery would
Speaker 1: run out so frequently, because I wasn't mindful of the
Speaker 1: fact that how much you're expending versus how much you
Speaker 1: know and other people who don't feel this way. If
Speaker 1: you're listening, it's like it's a performance thing for sure,
Speaker 1: if you're a performer. And you know, I tried to
Speaker 1: explain to my girlfriends all the time, like if I
Speaker 1: go to a dinner and I feel like it's it's
Speaker 1: expected of me to be entertaining, it's expected of me
Speaker 1: to be the life of the party, and you know,
Speaker 1: I when I explained that to my girlfriend sometimes when
Speaker 1: I'm like, I don't want to go to this thing
Speaker 1: because I feel the onus, She'll be like, but no
Speaker 1: one's expecting that from you. I'm like, it doesn't matter
Speaker 1: if you say that or not. I'm expecting it from me.
Speaker 1: You know, it's my condition. So I have to dismantle
Speaker 1: that from my own behavioral you know behavior. It's hard
Speaker 1: because you're you're a really funny person. So everyone is
Speaker 1: going to be like, oh, I was at this event
Speaker 1: and Chelsea healing, and she was really funny, you know,
Speaker 1: like you just you just know that people are thinking
Speaker 1: that even if they're not saying it. Let's just be real.
Speaker 1: So how did it work? So tell us a little
Speaker 1: bit how you acclimated to spending all that one on
Speaker 1: one time with him. Her partner is a tour manager,
Speaker 1: and he wants to do that for the you know,
Speaker 1: for the next ten years of his life, right or now.
Speaker 1: He's like, I think, I think he wants to do
Speaker 1: one more tour in that he's done. It's like, I
Speaker 1: want to be home. That's more reasonable. So but with that,
Speaker 1: those expectations were not that you would ever be in
Speaker 1: the same city for more than a you know, a
Speaker 1: twenty four hour thirty six hour period unless it was
Speaker 1: a holiday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we went from like
Speaker 1: that where it's like everything feels romantic and it feels
Speaker 1: like a vacation because it's just three days together, so
Speaker 1: everyone's in their best behavior. And then it's just like
Speaker 1: we're quarantining together. It's like, I'm a gassy person. I
Speaker 1: want to let it rip. I want my alone time.
Speaker 1: He wants to, you know, play video games with his
Speaker 1: friends over in the UK, and we were quarantining a
Speaker 1: two bedroom apartment, which is a great size, but in
Speaker 1: New York that's kind of tight. There's no balcony, so
Speaker 1: it was just we were constantly around each other. So
Speaker 1: there are moments where I just had to be like, Okay,
Speaker 1: I need my alone time, and so I would just
Speaker 1: go into a room with a cup of tea and
Speaker 1: just like read a book or scroll on my phone
Speaker 1: or watch like Sex in the City in the bath
Speaker 1: and just like have that little bit of time apart.
Speaker 1: But it was definitely it was definitely hard, and we
Speaker 1: had to sort of figure out our rhythm because I like, um,
Speaker 1: I didn't really know this is about me, but I
Speaker 1: like kind of a quiet home. And he would like
Speaker 1: wake up at like eight in the morning and put
Speaker 1: on like Band of Brothers, like he loves War were
Speaker 1: two movies, and so would just be fucking machine gun
Speaker 1: firing for like an hour. I'm like, I'm on a zoom.
Speaker 1: I just I was like, you need to turn this
Speaker 1: ship held down. So it was a lot of that,
Speaker 1: but we we figured out. But definitely we had to
Speaker 1: be like, Okay, I need this, I need this. You're cranky.
Speaker 1: You can't be cranky like this much because we're around
Speaker 1: each other all the time. And I was like, all right, yeah,
Speaker 1: i mean, if my boyfriend wakes up with a loud voice,
Speaker 1: I'm like, shut the funk up. I'm like morning voice,
Speaker 1: morning voices. You know, I don't like loud volumes in
Speaker 1: the morning. I don't either, it's too much. I'm like,
Speaker 1: I'm like, there's no reason you need to talk to
Speaker 1: me before eleven am, which I realized is kind of extreme.
Speaker 1: So I like dial to back, yeah, and video games
Speaker 1: and sports to me, video game. The sound of video
Speaker 1: games and the sound of sporting events in the background
Speaker 1: makes my vagina close up. I'm just I cannot fucking
Speaker 1: handle constant a sports announcement on in the background. It
Speaker 1: just reminds me of everything about my childhood that was depressing.
Speaker 1: About a Sunday so day football games, having to go
Speaker 1: back to school and having everyone just sit like a
Speaker 1: bunch of couch potatoes on the couch watching football all
Speaker 1: fucking day long. So that's why I don't like sports. Everybody,
Speaker 1: have you ever been to a Formula one race? He
Speaker 1: got me into Formula one and it's so fun. I
Speaker 1: bet I could. I could get into it, I could
Speaker 1: get into a specific natue, I could. I How many
Speaker 1: times have you been to one of those? When two
Speaker 1: weekends ago in Austin there was like a hundred and
Speaker 1: forty thousand people there, so we of course got tested
Speaker 1: when we came back because I was fucking wild. But
Speaker 1: I was never really into the sport. I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: I like Louis Hamilton's he's hot, he's black, a one
Speaker 1: whim and then he would always like watch it every
Speaker 1: Sunday and I would just fall asleep to the race
Speaker 1: because like the car into like really good a SMR.
Speaker 1: And then we went to actual race and got to
Speaker 1: see everyone. I was really impressed, and I was like, oh, shoot,
Speaker 1: this is a really hard sport and I'm super into
Speaker 1: it now. And what is a SMR stand for? Just
Speaker 1: like it's a soothing sound like just here, like oh,
Speaker 1: and then I would just like, we'll asleep to that
Speaker 1: on Sundays. Yeah, okay, that's like me putting on my
Speaker 1: rain machine at night, a machine to drown out Joe
Speaker 1: Koi's seapap machine because he has sleep at me. So
Speaker 1: he goes into a submarine every night. He has to
Speaker 1: put this mouth guard over his mouth and turn it on,
Speaker 1: and it sounds like a very low level storm, and
Speaker 1: so then I have to up that so that I'm
Speaker 1: not listening to that, and I put on my little
Speaker 1: rain app which is like thunderstorm or you know, hurricane
Speaker 1: whatever you're interested in listening to. But is there any
Speaker 1: cure for sleep apnea? Yeah, well you could get surgery.
Speaker 1: He has a special kind. We're gonna go to the
Speaker 1: doctor together when we get home to l A, because
Speaker 1: I need to talk to his doctor directly since I'm
Speaker 1: also a medical professional. But he claims that he has
Speaker 1: the type of sleep apnea that there's nothing he can
Speaker 1: do anything about. You can get surgery, but it requires
Speaker 1: your mouth being wired shuck for like two to three weeks.
Speaker 1: So you know, obviously people aren't app to get that.
Speaker 1: Men will be barely even use that fucking machine because
Speaker 1: they're just like, oh no, you know, it's a weakness,
Speaker 1: but like without it, he couldn't sleep, and you're just
Speaker 1: you know, with that when someone has bad sleep apnea,
Speaker 1: if you if you've ever been with anyone who's had it,
Speaker 1: it sounds like somebody is dying right next to you
Speaker 1: because they lose their breath and then they wake themselves
Speaker 1: up because they're they're they're choking, so it's like like you,
Speaker 1: their stomach goes in in and then it's a gasp.
Speaker 1: So it's very un you know, it's not very cooperative.
Speaker 1: So you definitely need to use a c PAP machine
Speaker 1: because then he sleeps like a baby, and that's what
Speaker 1: I wanted to do, is sleep like a baby. In
Speaker 1: your book, also you talk a lot about which I
Speaker 1: think is is really critical because there aren't a lot
Speaker 1: of blueprints for how to be a black female boss, entrepreneur,
Speaker 1: captain of your own ship. And you talk a lot
Speaker 1: about that and you break it down how it works
Speaker 1: for you and all the work that isn't involved in
Speaker 1: having your own imprint, in having your own production company
Speaker 1: and also being the guiding force of your very own career.
Speaker 1: So what are some of the things something that has
Speaker 1: helped you that you've learned on your own you didn't
Speaker 1: necessarily learn by reading about somebody else. One of the
Speaker 1: things that so I started going to therapy like a
Speaker 1: little over a year ago. And when I started going,
Speaker 1: it was just because I was during COVID. I was
Speaker 1: just like, my whole personality has just working. Now, wake up, work,
Speaker 1: go to sleep like I did. That was the only
Speaker 1: way I could cope. And I was just sort of like, oh,
Speaker 1: this is not healthy. To let me go. And one
Speaker 1: of the biggest things that I'm currently working through is
Speaker 1: I go to my therapist and I'm like, oh, you know,
Speaker 1: like we're all a family here, and I feel like
Speaker 1: the mom and blah blah blah. And she was like,
Speaker 1: y'all are not family and I was like no, but
Speaker 1: it's like a you know, like we're all like we
Speaker 1: spend time together. And she's like, you are not family,
Speaker 1: Like you need to make this professional. So one of
Speaker 1: the things that I've been working on is compassionate detachment.
Speaker 1: Is that what it's called, I think that's what it's called,
Speaker 1: where it's just me not me, just establishing boundaries and
Speaker 1: just being like I can be professional and that doesn't
Speaker 1: mean that I'm being a bit because I think I
Speaker 1: was so worried about like as a black woman. I'm like,
Speaker 1: I don't want anyone to think that I'm angry or
Speaker 1: that I'm mad at them, and so like I'm going
Speaker 1: to like go above and beyond and being like really
Speaker 1: cheery and like being super nurturing so everyone knows that
Speaker 1: I'm cool and like I'm not this horrible person. And
Speaker 1: she was just like, you need to be professional. If
Speaker 1: you're going to be a boss. You can't be here
Speaker 1: trying to be everyone's best friend making sure everyone likes you.
Speaker 1: She's like, not, everyone's gonna like you. And that's just
Speaker 1: a part of it. And you know, sometimes it is
Speaker 1: hard for me to just be like I want to
Speaker 1: fix this thing or do this thing for another person,
Speaker 1: but I have to sort of reel it back. I'm
Speaker 1: the kind of person or a friend where I'm I
Speaker 1: will bend over backwards for other people, and I have
Speaker 1: to sort of be like, you don't have to do
Speaker 1: that for every single person. You could be a little
Speaker 1: more sort of discerning about it. But it's hard because
Speaker 1: when you're I don't know if you ever felt this.
Speaker 1: I mean, you have been a boss for so long,
Speaker 1: you're like so fucking dope, But like, did you ever
Speaker 1: have those moments where you were like, I want to
Speaker 1: do X y Z, but I'm I'm afraid to do
Speaker 1: it because I'm not sure if people are gonna like
Speaker 1: me afterwards. I think it falls into the same category,
Speaker 1: Like it's just it's about people pleasing you, know what
Speaker 1: I mean, It's what you how you are in your
Speaker 1: life when you want people to like you and you
Speaker 1: want people to respect you, and that bleeds over when
Speaker 1: you do become a boss of something. You also that
Speaker 1: those characteristics are the same. Like, if you're relying on
Speaker 1: people to like you like you're you're not going to
Speaker 1: be the most efficacious boss, because that's not how it works.
Speaker 1: It's not a popularity contest. People are working for you
Speaker 1: for a reason and they have to deliver a product too.
Speaker 1: You know, there's you can be cool and you can
Speaker 1: be fun, but whenever we over extend ourselves, it's like
Speaker 1: we don't get what we want. We ended up just
Speaker 1: depleting our own energy resources. And that's something that I
Speaker 1: learned a long time ago. My my shortness or shortcoming
Speaker 1: is more that, you know, I just like I like
Speaker 1: to just funk off, you know. I like to have
Speaker 1: a lot of people around me and get very little
Speaker 1: work done. You know, I'm a bad influence in that
Speaker 1: way because I'm not really you know, professional, and so
Speaker 1: I like to just get down to business when I'm
Speaker 1: there and it's my time. But when it's you know,
Speaker 1: when everybody's around an office all day, I couldn't have
Speaker 1: probably set a worse example on how to behave because
Speaker 1: I just wanted. I wanted to have fun and I
Speaker 1: wanted everyone to have a good time. I wasn't as
Speaker 1: concerned with everybody liking me as I was concerned with
Speaker 1: everybody having a good time, um and wanting to be
Speaker 1: at that place of work, not because it ended up
Speaker 1: in a better bottom line, but because it ended up
Speaker 1: in a really fun place to be, you know, because
Speaker 1: I remember being on you know, even as far back
Speaker 1: as Chelsea Lately, like I'd be so excited to get
Speaker 1: into work, I'd go in early because it was just
Speaker 1: like one big fraternity house, you know. And then I
Speaker 1: remember doing my Netflix show a couple of years ago,
Speaker 1: and the vibe wasn't like that, it wasn't fun because
Speaker 1: I wasn't in it anymore. I was just like, how
Speaker 1: little of time can I spend at this place? You know,
Speaker 1: like I would literally go in for my hair and makeup.
Speaker 1: You approve all these ideas, go watch the edit, do
Speaker 1: that ship, but get out as quickly as possible. And
Speaker 1: that's also a bad way to behave as a boss.
Speaker 1: So I think we're always all learning, but it's your
Speaker 1: personality that drives how you are going to be in
Speaker 1: a rational environment, and it's a much different thing. And
Speaker 1: I think as a black woman, for you you will
Speaker 1: tell me, but I think it's it's even more pressure
Speaker 1: because you want to set an example and you want
Speaker 1: to be the person that people are going to respect
Speaker 1: and look to for advice and so on and so forth.
Speaker 1: That's for any woman, but especially a woman of color,
Speaker 1: there's a there's a lot more I would imagine pressure
Speaker 1: on your shoulders. Absolutely. Like one of my former assistants,
Speaker 1: she was like, I've never worked for a black person before.
Speaker 1: She was like, all my bosses have been white. Most
Speaker 1: have been like white dudes. And she's like, I'm really
Speaker 1: am sort of like curious about this new experience and
Speaker 1: it's just sort of one of those things where it's like, well,
Speaker 1: now there's this weird sort of pressure that I have
Speaker 1: to sort of like represent or behave in a certain way,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. It's just the cold get
Speaker 1: tricky at times. It's like I just want to do
Speaker 1: the job, and I just want to be able to
Speaker 1: sort of like say what I need to say and
Speaker 1: not worry like, oh, is this not making the environment
Speaker 1: not fun? Or oh is this like me being boss
Speaker 1: in a way that's not going to make people feel good?
Speaker 1: But I just am getting to a place where I
Speaker 1: have to sort of trust myself and go, you know what,
Speaker 1: I don't need to second and guess myself. I know
Speaker 1: what I'm doing and I'm paying the bills, and I
Speaker 1: should be allowed to express my opinions because of that,
Speaker 1: and also be open to people's feedback, right, Like that's
Speaker 1: that's really the best you can do is to hear
Speaker 1: when somebody's telling you something, or something rubs somebody the
Speaker 1: wrong way, then of course then you should be there
Speaker 1: for that. You should always be open to hearing feedback
Speaker 1: and making adjustments. Right, Because none of us are fully cooked,
Speaker 1: and none of us are done growing or evolving or
Speaker 1: understanding our power. But the most important thing to do
Speaker 1: is to trust your instincts and is to operate from
Speaker 1: you know, the source of your power. Who are you?
Speaker 1: Why is your personality strong? How did you You're the
Speaker 1: reason you got here in the first place. Right, You're
Speaker 1: the reason you're in this position. So all of that
Speaker 1: data is backed up by the virtue of you having
Speaker 1: this opportunity. And that's something that I think women forget
Speaker 1: a lot, and they have to remember. You know, you're
Speaker 1: in the position. You're in because of you, not because
Speaker 1: somebody did you a favor. Oh, there we go that.
Speaker 1: And on that note, Katherine, should we take some callers? Absolutely, Now,
Speaker 1: let's take a quick break and we'll come back and
Speaker 1: get to some callers. We'll be right back. Well, we'll
Speaker 1: be right back. Okay, welcome back everybody. So we're here
Speaker 1: with Phoebe Robinson and Catherine and we're going to take
Speaker 1: some callers or some write ins. You know that. I'm
Speaker 1: always confused about how this podcast works. I don't know
Speaker 1: if people are alive or if they're writing. But Catherine's
Speaker 1: in charge of that, so I abdicate all of my
Speaker 1: responsibilities to her. It's I was a fun surprise for you.
Speaker 1: So our first email, just an email, comes from Kayla.
Speaker 1: She says, Dear Chelsea, I'm a twenty eight year old
Speaker 1: heterosexual woman. For as long as I can remember, I've
Speaker 1: known that I do not want to change my last
Speaker 1: name if and when I get married. I strongly identify
Speaker 1: with my father's side of the family and feel connected
Speaker 1: to my maiden name. On top of this connection, the
Speaker 1: tradition of changing a woman's name is so deeply rooted
Speaker 1: in the patriarchy that I struggled to think of it
Speaker 1: outside this framing, and not for nothing. It's also a
Speaker 1: pain in the ass to legally change your name. My
Speaker 1: question is when's the right time to tell my current
Speaker 1: boyfriend that I don't want to change my name. We've
Speaker 1: been together for a few months, and I could definitely
Speaker 1: see myself marrying him if our relationship continues to grow
Speaker 1: as it has been so far. I know that he
Speaker 1: feels the same way, but I worry that if I
Speaker 1: bring it up too soon, it'll freak him out or
Speaker 1: make him think I'm looking for a proposal a SAP,
Speaker 1: which I'm not. In my last relationship, I told my
Speaker 1: ex at about seven months of dating It came up
Speaker 1: pretty naturally in conversation, and I didn't think twice about
Speaker 1: telling him at the time, but he was very upset
Speaker 1: and told me he felt that I had been hiding
Speaker 1: something from him by waiting so long to tell him.
Speaker 1: I would like to avoid a repeat of that scenario,
Speaker 1: but I don't want to freak out my current partner
Speaker 1: by telling him too soon. So when's the right time?
Speaker 1: Best Hala, Oh, it's Kayla on the phone. She's not
Speaker 1: she's not. But I think this would be such a
Speaker 1: good one for you to talk about with with Phoebe,
Speaker 1: because that's like right up for ally Phoebe. Yeah, I'm
Speaker 1: not changing my last name. I I told my boyfriend
Speaker 1: maybe like a year and I was like, I will
Speaker 1: never change my last name for a man, and he
Speaker 1: was like, okay, I mean I I even have a problem,
Speaker 1: you know. I struggled with this, like with the concept
Speaker 1: of marriage, because I just think it's such a construct
Speaker 1: created by men to control women. So even the construct
Speaker 1: of marriage is I have I just bristle at it
Speaker 1: because of course I want to marry my boyfriend. I
Speaker 1: because it's important to him, and I love him and
Speaker 1: and he's worth marrying, but like, I don't want to
Speaker 1: be a married woman, you know what I mean, I
Speaker 1: don't want to be somebody who's married because I feel
Speaker 1: a responsibility to not get married to say, like, you
Speaker 1: can achieve all of this without the without that, but
Speaker 1: that that personal feelings about marriage aside. It's not an
Speaker 1: uncommon thing to keep your maiden name, to keep your
Speaker 1: birth name, your father's name, whatever. So your ex boyfriend
Speaker 1: sounds like an idiot, so to disregard him, and I
Speaker 1: just think the natural time to bring it up, isn't
Speaker 1: that the next time marriage comes up in the conversation
Speaker 1: in a very warm, calm, you know, loving way, Like
Speaker 1: just so you know, my father's name means so much
Speaker 1: to me that I would never feel comfortable changing my name.
Speaker 1: It has nothing to do with our relationship. In fact,
Speaker 1: I really have thought about this because I want to
Speaker 1: marry you so much or whatever. You know. Your version
Speaker 1: of that is because it sounds like you do want
Speaker 1: to marry him, and you said you did that. You know.
Speaker 1: It's just it's a totally reasonable, acceptable thing to say
Speaker 1: to somebody, and you don't have to bring it up prematurely.
Speaker 1: Just wait until the time is right. I think we
Speaker 1: always have these ideas in our head that we have
Speaker 1: to have these conversations, like when when just because you
Speaker 1: thought of it doesn't mean it needs to happen right away.
Speaker 1: And I feel you could also sort of test the waters.
Speaker 1: If you're still kind of scared, you can maybe just
Speaker 1: talk about others s of like relationship things are kind
Speaker 1: of like milestones for you guys, just to see if
Speaker 1: he's even on the same page as you in terms
Speaker 1: of seeing this as a long term relationship. But definitely
Speaker 1: don't shy away from it. Like, like Chelsea said, it's
Speaker 1: not an uncommon thing to keep your maiden name, and
Speaker 1: if it means that much to you, he will respect that.
Speaker 1: If he doesn't respect that, then he's out the door
Speaker 1: straight out exactly. If he doesn't respect that, then there's
Speaker 1: no question there, you know, Like what he's going to
Speaker 1: force you to change your name, that's the man you're
Speaker 1: gonna marry. I doubt it. What was your boyfriend's reaction
Speaker 1: when you told him that he was totally fine with it?
Speaker 1: Like he doesn't like, we're in the we don't want
Speaker 1: to have kids sort of thing, and I don't know,
Speaker 1: we just sort of wanna live life in a our
Speaker 1: own sort of way, and we were talking about getting married.
Speaker 1: He was like, oh, I'm gonna ask your father for
Speaker 1: your hand in marriage, and I was like, what's Like,
Speaker 1: who cares? And then he was like, I think your
Speaker 1: dad will care. So I just I'm going to do
Speaker 1: it for your dad and no, it doesn't mean anything
Speaker 1: to you, but he's like, it would be a nice
Speaker 1: thing to do for your dad. And I was like
Speaker 1: all right, but I'm We're going back and forth about
Speaker 1: it where I'm just sort of like I don't know,
Speaker 1: Like I don't want to wear white. I'm thirty seven.
Speaker 1: I don't want to wear white and walk down I'm
Speaker 1: being a churl, Like I just don't want to do
Speaker 1: any of that. So we're trying to figure out like
Speaker 1: do we just want to do like a backyard thing,
Speaker 1: Like I don't know, I just wanted to feel, like
Speaker 1: you said, not like the patriarchy, just sort of like
Speaker 1: I love this person and that's it. And also just
Speaker 1: the wedding industry that the capitalistic nonsense of. Like I
Speaker 1: said to Joe, I'm like, listen, we can talk about
Speaker 1: being married, but like I'm not walking around with a
Speaker 1: rock on my finger, like that is embarrassing for me,
Speaker 1: and I'm never going to participate in that way. You know,
Speaker 1: It's got to be something low key and it's not
Speaker 1: going to be like an engagement ring. I don't want
Speaker 1: you getting on your knee, which he would totally do
Speaker 1: and all of the things. But yeah, all of a sudden,
Speaker 1: I feel the pressure of like, just this idea, because
Speaker 1: that's the next step. That's the way you demonstrate the
Speaker 1: most love. And it's like, well, then what do we
Speaker 1: do after we're married? You know? An I guess, but
Speaker 1: you got you know what I did it anal on
Speaker 1: the first date with my boyfriend. Really, that's the way.
Speaker 1: It's just like, listen, who cares. I think people are
Speaker 1: getting warming up to anal a lot more than they
Speaker 1: used to, because it's just another orifice that you should
Speaker 1: be you know, using why not why as they say
Speaker 1: in Espana, know exactly. Okay, Well I hope that helps you. Yeah,
Speaker 1: let us know what happened, follow up with us, and yeah,
Speaker 1: you hold onto your maiden name. That's yours, and that's yours,
Speaker 1: that's your family, and that's your history, so stick with it. Yep,
Speaker 1: problem solved. It sounds like to me. It sounds like
Speaker 1: a so Our next question comes from Sarah. We have
Speaker 1: her on the line. She works at a community center
Speaker 1: and her boyfriend is in tech. Dear Chelsea, I feel
Speaker 1: like my relationship is in a constant power struggle due
Speaker 1: to my boyfriend making significantly more money than I do.
Speaker 1: We split almost every monthly bill, including mortgage and groceries,
Speaker 1: but the expensive things like the house, the furniture, the TV,
Speaker 1: and many flights and hotels are all paid for by him.
Speaker 1: In theory, that would be fine, but there are times
Speaker 1: he uses it against me. He'll say that he pays
Speaker 1: for more stuff and makes it seem like that's a
Speaker 1: valid reason for him to make more decisions. We aren't married,
Speaker 1: but lived together and have been dating for four years.
Speaker 1: I want to be in an equal partnership, but find
Speaker 1: it difficult when he is the one who can afford
Speaker 1: everything and therefore calls a lot of the shots. I
Speaker 1: do think he should pay for more because he makes
Speaker 1: so much more money, but I also want to be
Speaker 1: equitable and have just as many choices in what we
Speaker 1: do with our life together. Are we doomed to fight
Speaker 1: about money forever? Sarah Hi, Sarah Hi, Hi, This is
Speaker 1: Phoebe too, so get a little bit more specific. Does
Speaker 1: he kind of hold it over your head? No, I
Speaker 1: wouldn't say that. I know it kind of sounds like that,
Speaker 1: but I think it's more just like specifically financial decisions,
Speaker 1: likes about like what we buy like in our house
Speaker 1: and strictly financial stuff really that he's like, well if
Speaker 1: I'm paying for of it, Like I think he thinks
Speaker 1: his voke sort of holds more weight, you know, Okay,
Speaker 1: And you don't feel that way obviously, Yeah, I mean
Speaker 1: I feel like I kind of have to argue for
Speaker 1: things that I want, like I really need like a
Speaker 1: new dishwasher, and he's like, no, we don't. It works fine,
Speaker 1: we don't need one. Like I have to kind of
Speaker 1: fight for like all of those types of things, and
Speaker 1: it sort of makes me feel like I don't have
Speaker 1: as much of a voice, I guess when it comes
Speaker 1: to that kind of stuff. And even though I'm probably
Speaker 1: never going to make as much money as he does,
Speaker 1: I still just want to feel like it's fifty fifty
Speaker 1: with the stuff that we do together, the things that
Speaker 1: are in our house. I don't want it to feel
Speaker 1: like it's his house and I'm living in it, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean, absolutely shouldn't feel that way because
Speaker 1: it's a partnership. You're in a partnership, and however much
Speaker 1: money one person makes isn't what a partnership is about.
Speaker 1: So him holding the kind of persetings in that way
Speaker 1: isn't hot or sexy, and you will only build resentment
Speaker 1: over that over a course of a long relationship. I
Speaker 1: just had this conversation with a woman three weeks ago,
Speaker 1: and she was just like, my husband made all the
Speaker 1: decisions in our marriage because he made all the money
Speaker 1: and I had never had to say in anything, and
Speaker 1: she's sick of it, and she left him, and he
Speaker 1: doesn't know what the funk to do. And I even
Speaker 1: when I told him, I'm like, she's resentful of the
Speaker 1: fact that you were in control of everything. We all
Speaker 1: have a voice. You know, how much money you make
Speaker 1: doesn't define your value in a relationship. So that's a
Speaker 1: sentence you might want to write down to make sure
Speaker 1: that you bring up when you have a normal, calm
Speaker 1: conversation with him, because it is very archetypal for people
Speaker 1: men specifically to think that they have more control because
Speaker 1: they make more money, and we're just not living in
Speaker 1: that time anymore where that's acceptable when you're a free
Speaker 1: thinking person and you are well aware of your own
Speaker 1: value and self worth and that it has nothing to
Speaker 1: do with how much money you make. Yeah, I think
Speaker 1: that because I am the brever or my relationship and
Speaker 1: Bay is totally fine with that. But like, if you're
Speaker 1: not both making the same amount of money one or both,
Speaker 1: you might feel a little whatever about that. And so
Speaker 1: it's good to have open communication about that and for
Speaker 1: him to sort of also voice what he's thinking about it,
Speaker 1: and then he can if he even just says what
Speaker 1: he's thinking of, Oh, well, I think it should make
Speaker 1: all decisions because I make more money. Just him saying that,
Speaker 1: he might go, oh, Ship, I can't believe that's how
Speaker 1: I actually feel. And then he might go, oh, I
Speaker 1: need to unpack that. Not we, but he needs to
Speaker 1: unpack like how he feels. Like that creates a hierarchy
Speaker 1: in the relationship instead of being equal, because like Chelsea said,
Speaker 1: like you don't want to resent him, and he shouldn't
Speaker 1: be walking around like it's like the nineteen twenties where
Speaker 1: he's making all the decisions, because it's not, and like
Speaker 1: he both brings so many things to the relationship, and
Speaker 1: my boyfriend brings so much of the relationship that is
Speaker 1: not related to money, and you bring so much relationship
Speaker 1: that has nothing to do with money. And it's like
Speaker 1: that adds value. That's a contribution, and that should be
Speaker 1: recognized as well. And he should also respect your contributions
Speaker 1: and bow down to you for all the great things
Speaker 1: that you bring to make the relationship special. Right, and
Speaker 1: reminding him of those things isn't a bad idea, you know,
Speaker 1: sitting down and just evaluating, like what your qualities are,
Speaker 1: your attributes with regard to your relationship is an important reminder.
Speaker 1: And a lot of men are stuck in their roles
Speaker 1: as men, and they needed to be reminded by us,
Speaker 1: the closest people to them, and sometimes with very gentle
Speaker 1: prodding and sometimes with very loud prodding, depending on what
Speaker 1: kind of guy that you're with. Are you guys in
Speaker 1: therapy at all or counseling of any kind? We're not.
Speaker 1: I've suggested it before, but I think and then he's like,
Speaker 1: I have to pay for it. I think he would
Speaker 1: be open, but we're good in every other aspect. I
Speaker 1: think it's really just I think I internalize a lot
Speaker 1: of it, which I think therapy would probably help. Like,
Speaker 1: I think that it's my own security sometimes, like you're saying,
Speaker 1: like feeling like I'm not the Brent winner and maybe
Speaker 1: I'm just it's my own issue, and I think in
Speaker 1: his mind he thinks that we are equal, and like,
Speaker 1: I don't think he's intentionally trying to make me feel
Speaker 1: that way, but I don't know how to get past
Speaker 1: feeling like that. You might also think about going to
Speaker 1: since that is kind of the crux of the issue,
Speaker 1: a financial therapist. There are also financial psychologists that could
Speaker 1: help you guys unpack like where this is coming from
Speaker 1: for him, like why he feels like he needs to
Speaker 1: make the decisions and that way, rather than going to
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm all for you know, relationship therapy and
Speaker 1: marital therapy as well, but that could be something if
Speaker 1: he's not open to just regular therapy helping you unpack
Speaker 1: some of the financial issues around that. MM. That's a
Speaker 1: good idea. And also, you know what you're saying about
Speaker 1: internalizing it, Yes, you're right, because I'm sure you could
Speaker 1: bring it up to him and hope, like god, it'll
Speaker 1: feel that way. What do you mean we are fifty fifty,
Speaker 1: but like you know, the dishwasher example, I'm sure you
Speaker 1: have other examples. Either way, it's important to start the
Speaker 1: dialogue communicate between the two of you so that you
Speaker 1: have an open communication, so that he understands how you're
Speaker 1: feeling about it and how his actions can impact your
Speaker 1: feelings and vice versa. Right, so he could be oblivious
Speaker 1: to this and say, oh my god, I totally think
Speaker 1: of you as a partner, yet you're having all these emotions,
Speaker 1: he still should know that you feel this way, that
Speaker 1: you are internalizing this, that you are thinking about it
Speaker 1: in a way that makes you feel like in this
Speaker 1: way in the financial aspect of your relationship, you don't
Speaker 1: feel like it's even Stephen, and the rest of your
Speaker 1: relationship is great, and you do feel like it's equitable
Speaker 1: in those terms. That's also worth saying to him too.
Speaker 1: I mean, start out with all the positives you know,
Speaker 1: and then give an area where you can where you
Speaker 1: would like to see some improvement, and then start from that.
Speaker 1: Starts with you. You're going to start to improve the
Speaker 1: way that you internalize it and understand your value. But
Speaker 1: he also should be made aware of it, because that's
Speaker 1: only going to bring you closer together being communicative in
Speaker 1: that way, for sure, that's good advice. I'm definitely trying
Speaker 1: to talk to him and he does the whole like
Speaker 1: he said, like what you're talking about, so I don't know,
Speaker 1: maybe I needed to have word it. And well that's
Speaker 1: also his actions, right because he can say that, but
Speaker 1: like where his actions showing you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: And that's where you can point him and be like, honey,
Speaker 1: even if you do feel like we're fifty fifty in
Speaker 1: this moment, you made me feel this way based on
Speaker 1: what you did, So how can we work through that
Speaker 1: so it doesn't happen again? You know? Yeah? Yeah, And
Speaker 1: I also want to point out that you mentioned that
Speaker 1: you will never make as much money as he does,
Speaker 1: and that might not be true. You never know if
Speaker 1: he could have a lose his job in three months
Speaker 1: and not have work for a couple of months and
Speaker 1: then you're the breadwinner, or maybe you decide to change careers.
Speaker 1: But you're doing good work and we just don't know
Speaker 1: what our relationships have in store. So and look at it,
Speaker 1: it's like it's an exciting challenge to kind of face
Speaker 1: this like it's not a huge problem. It's just a
Speaker 1: little bit of a thing, right, and like look at
Speaker 1: it as a great way to like experiment with your
Speaker 1: communication skills and also facilitate get a relationship that grows
Speaker 1: together instead of a part right, because resentment builds and
Speaker 1: that's all that's when people start to separate and they
Speaker 1: go off in their different directions. So this is a
Speaker 1: great opportunity for you to kind of model for yourself
Speaker 1: the behavior that you would like to see in your
Speaker 1: own relationship. It doesn't have to be a burden or
Speaker 1: it doesn't have to be scary. It's like, Okay, how
Speaker 1: can I have this conversation the right way? How can
Speaker 1: I have it? So we're both on the same team.
Speaker 1: You want to remind yourself that you're on the same team.
Speaker 1: You know, you're both playing for the same team. It's
Speaker 1: not one against the other, So how can you both
Speaker 1: take care of each other's feelings in that way? Yeah,
Speaker 1: resentment building is kind of like my biggest year because
Speaker 1: I can like ex sense that starting and so yeah,
Speaker 1: that's good advice. Well, that's what women are known for.
Speaker 1: We build resentment because we have so much to be
Speaker 1: resentful for and we have no outlet to speak about it.
Speaker 1: So this is your moment. You're living in the best
Speaker 1: time ever to be a woman and fucking tell your truth,
Speaker 1: So start there. Another thing that might help is starting
Speaker 1: a new account where you too are sharing living expenses,
Speaker 1: and you're not sharing them evenly, but you're both putting
Speaker 1: in the same percentage of your incomes, so you know,
Speaker 1: figure out how much you need to live on depending
Speaker 1: on what expenses you're sharing. You know, maybe you don't
Speaker 1: share expenses for vacations, or maybe you do, but you
Speaker 1: share expenses for rent and for groceries and electric bill
Speaker 1: and those sorts of things. So you figure out how
Speaker 1: much you need, and then you both put in the
Speaker 1: same percentage until it equals that amount of money. So
Speaker 1: it might be of your incomes, it might be of
Speaker 1: both of your incomes. But what that then allows you
Speaker 1: to do is even the playing field when making those
Speaker 1: decisions on what sort of stuff you're going to buy,
Speaker 1: because it's already in an account where you know the
Speaker 1: amount of money you've put in feels the same to
Speaker 1: both of you. Even though it's not technically the same
Speaker 1: amount of money, it's the same percentage, and having an
Speaker 1: even playing field is kind of what we want, right, Okay,
Speaker 1: Well it was not good luck with everything. Let us
Speaker 1: know how it goes. Okay, keep us posted. Thank you
Speaker 1: so much, Okay, take care, thank you. It's funny. I
Speaker 1: have the exact problem with Joe Koy. He won't let
Speaker 1: me pay for anything ever, and to the point where
Speaker 1: it's like, Joe, I know I have more money than you,
Speaker 1: and you know I have more money than you. Please,
Speaker 1: this is not about and he will not like not
Speaker 1: even like an uber draw and we don't take upers,
Speaker 1: but he won't even let me pay for anything. And
Speaker 1: we go out to dinner with my friends, he doesn't
Speaker 1: let anyone pay because he has such an ego about
Speaker 1: wanting to be the provider. And it's just so it's
Speaker 1: just so silly the way that men have that, you know,
Speaker 1: and it's going to take so long for us to
Speaker 1: peel that away. And I find it so attractive to
Speaker 1: hear about your boyfriend who's okay with like you being
Speaker 1: the breadwinner, because that is the way of the future,
Speaker 1: you know. More men need to warm up to that idea.
Speaker 1: But I will admit that when COVID happened and he
Speaker 1: like couldn't tour anything at first, I was a little
Speaker 1: bit like, oh, I have to like pay for everything,
Speaker 1: like just just like it's sort of like not a
Speaker 1: thing that you expect or you're sort of prepared for.
Speaker 1: But it made me go like, well, what sort of
Speaker 1: like gender hangups do I have about this? You know
Speaker 1: what I mean? And now I'm in a place where
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, it's great. Like his contributions are like amazing.
Speaker 1: He makes our home like so loving and incredible, and
Speaker 1: it's just sort of like you have two sort of
Speaker 1: deep program kind of the what society tells you is
Speaker 1: like what counts. Yeah, you know what. I for so
Speaker 1: long because I've been single for so long, and I
Speaker 1: was so fiercely independent and so strong minded about not
Speaker 1: ever relying on a man or his income or and
Speaker 1: in any way really even emotionally, I was stunted in
Speaker 1: that way that I couldn't rely on a man for
Speaker 1: that because I just have been disappointed by my brother
Speaker 1: or my father or whatever. And so for so long,
Speaker 1: I was always me, like the hustle was always up
Speaker 1: to me, my family, my friends. I was in charge
Speaker 1: of that domain, you know, of our the worlds we
Speaker 1: create for ourselves, and so to come along and now
Speaker 1: be in a relationship with somebody who can contribute in
Speaker 1: that way is also a learning lesson for me because
Speaker 1: it's it's like, it's such a nice idea. It's like, oh, wait,
Speaker 1: it's not all on me. Now we're going to, you know,
Speaker 1: on Safari. We're going on some trip to Africa, and
Speaker 1: we're taking my three nieces and we're taking his son
Speaker 1: and two of his nephews. And I was like, let's
Speaker 1: split this trip. It's crazy. And you know, of course
Speaker 1: he said yes to that. He said yeah. To his credit,
Speaker 1: he said yes to that. But I thought, oh, this
Speaker 1: is so nice that it's not all about me having
Speaker 1: to deal with everything on my own all the time.
Speaker 1: Now I forgot about that. I forgot about that element
Speaker 1: of like, oh, there's somebody else contributing. So that's yeah,
Speaker 1: that's a nice development. That's happy here. Yeah, exactly. Yeah,
Speaker 1: what if you guys didn't get married, you just just
Speaker 1: sort of like the Kurt Russell Goldie Hawn thing. Will
Speaker 1: he be fine with that because that could be an option.
Speaker 1: He'll be fine with whatever. I'm fine with. Timately, he's
Speaker 1: very respectful of whatever. My there's part of me that
Speaker 1: wants to marry him because it will make him so happy,
Speaker 1: and it's really about I do want to make him happy,
Speaker 1: you know, I want him to be happy. I want
Speaker 1: him to be able to say, this is my wife,
Speaker 1: because that's what he wants to say. But he's already
Speaker 1: my husband. You know. I'm not going to date anybody
Speaker 1: after him. It's him and me. That's it. So I
Speaker 1: mean that's how you feel too. Yeah, I told him.
Speaker 1: I was like, when you die, because he's going to
Speaker 1: die before me. I'm like, I'm just gonna my best
Speaker 1: friend from college care and we're just going to get
Speaker 1: a house upstate and then we're just gonna like sit
Speaker 1: and drink wine and that's it. I'm not going to
Speaker 1: date again. That's right. I told my sister, that's what
Speaker 1: I said. I said, Simone, you and I are going
Speaker 1: to transition into later in life lesbians together at some point.
Speaker 1: It's just gonna be you and me. And she's like,
Speaker 1: why do we have to be lesbians? Why can't we
Speaker 1: just be together without being lesbians. I'm like, that's part
Speaker 1: of the deal. So she's warming up to that idea.
Speaker 1: It's going to be a while, though, I mean, you know,
Speaker 1: but she's getting older, my sister, because she's ten years
Speaker 1: older than me. I'm forty six, she's fifty six. So
Speaker 1: we'll see I mean hopefully. You know, Joe has stamina though,
Speaker 1: I mean, I'll probably die before Joe because he's older
Speaker 1: than he's fifty. But he's got some sort of Filipino
Speaker 1: d NA that gives people extra energy. He can do.
Speaker 1: I've never seen anybody like him. He just we went
Speaker 1: to the gym this morning and he ran four miles.
Speaker 1: He hasn't run in like a year, and he just
Speaker 1: ran four miles. And then he's been working out for
Speaker 1: four days. Like he comes to the gym with me
Speaker 1: every morning. He's been working out four days, and his
Speaker 1: body already is like more muscular and leaner. I'm like,
Speaker 1: I can see your muscles already. It's just a fucking joke.
Speaker 1: But he's got some weird strength. Well. Our next email
Speaker 1: comes from Jess. She's thirty five. Dear Chelsea, I recently
Speaker 1: quit my job of eight point five years at a
Speaker 1: small nonprofit organization because of its extremely toxic work environment.
Speaker 1: I left very abruptly, and to my surprise, many people
Speaker 1: close to me, both personally and professionally were very supportive.
Speaker 1: Everyone assured me i'd land something better and that I
Speaker 1: deserved more respect and frankly, a respite from the burnout.
Speaker 1: It's now been about two months and I haven't found anything.
Speaker 1: I'm having a bit of a crisis of confidence. I
Speaker 1: went from an independent career woman, living on my own
Speaker 1: terms and taking care of all my own ship to
Speaker 1: a thirty five year old loser living back with her parents.
Speaker 1: I want so badly to get back my independence and
Speaker 1: self reliance, but I also really want to wait for
Speaker 1: a job opportunity that feels like the right fit in
Speaker 1: a field. I have more passion for any advice Jess.
Speaker 1: Stop calling yourself a loser. First of all, stop that
Speaker 1: if you're not on your own team, then you are behind.
Speaker 1: You are setting yourself back by so much when you
Speaker 1: are not rooting for yourself. So you have got to
Speaker 1: be rooting for yourself. And if it takes you writing
Speaker 1: down sentences that say I matter, I have value. If
Speaker 1: you have to write that down and say self affirmations
Speaker 1: every morning when you wake up, start there. Because nothing
Speaker 1: is worse than calling yourself that you don't You're not
Speaker 1: a loser. You how to sit a bad situation that
Speaker 1: you're not in anymore. That's a good thing. You're living
Speaker 1: with your parents, that's temporary, that's not permanent. It's only
Speaker 1: permanent if you believe it's permanent. And now you can
Speaker 1: work towards building a better life for yourself and getting
Speaker 1: the job and the opportunities that you want. But that's
Speaker 1: not where your happiness is only going to come from.
Speaker 1: You know, all of this is an inside job, So
Speaker 1: you're not just gonna get your meaning and defining moment
Speaker 1: for yourself through your work. You also have to cultivate
Speaker 1: that in other ways, with your friendships, with your hobbies.
Speaker 1: Start there, you know, start exercising, getting outside, getting out
Speaker 1: of your own ass, because you're having a pity party
Speaker 1: for yourself right now, and that that doesn't go anywhere.
Speaker 1: You're the only person able to pull yourself up out
Speaker 1: of that. Two months does not a career make I
Speaker 1: mean no, no, not at all. And you know it's
Speaker 1: okay to feel sorry for yourself. I mean, we've I'm
Speaker 1: sure you Phoebe had I have a pity party, but
Speaker 1: you have I stopped. My pity parties can only last
Speaker 1: for two days. That's my new rules. After that you
Speaker 1: have to just move on. Take the forty hours, take
Speaker 1: the hit, feel bad. But then, like Chelsea said, like
Speaker 1: what maybe, like while you're in the morning, you distilka,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna I'm gonna apply to like five jobs a
Speaker 1: day in the morning, and then like you can spend
Speaker 1: like your afternoon like cultivating some hobbies, hanging out with friends,
Speaker 1: like taking this time to sort of eat, pray, love
Speaker 1: even though this wasn't like intentional, you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: but take this time to really sort of figure out
Speaker 1: what you want to do, what brings you joy while
Speaker 1: you're looking for a job. I remember during the recession
Speaker 1: in two thousand and eight, I worked at this film
Speaker 1: company is shut down, and so then I just took
Speaker 1: like temp jobs, like I work like half the day
Speaker 1: and then I spent the other half of a day
Speaker 1: like journaling or writing or what have you. There's so
Speaker 1: many things that you can do. And also it's so
Speaker 1: amazing that you could stay at your parents place during
Speaker 1: this transition because so many people don't have that, and
Speaker 1: so you use them as emotional support to and like
Speaker 1: have them like help you get through this season and
Speaker 1: encourage you. But you you have so much going for you.
Speaker 1: And the fact that you could recognize you are at
Speaker 1: a toxic work environment and you could leave it. That
Speaker 1: is amazing because so many people don't have the ability
Speaker 1: to believe in themselves enough to step off a bad
Speaker 1: work situation. So give yourself some freaking props for what
Speaker 1: you you don't do with your life instead of sort
Speaker 1: of looking at like, oh, I dropped the ball, you
Speaker 1: didn't drop the ball. You're getting yourself to a better
Speaker 1: place exactly exactly, and it's an opportunity for growth. Anytime
Speaker 1: you come out of a bad situation, it is an
Speaker 1: opportunity for you to open newer doors that sends you
Speaker 1: in the better direction for your life. So when you
Speaker 1: say no to something that doesn't meet your standards, you
Speaker 1: are raising your level of standards to something else. You know,
Speaker 1: whether the decision was made for you or you made
Speaker 1: the decision. Your standards are different now because you're not
Speaker 1: in that situation anymore. And so you can apply that
Speaker 1: to your love life, your friendships, your hobbies, and your work.
Speaker 1: You set the standard of what's going to be acceptable
Speaker 1: to you, and you look at this time in your
Speaker 1: parents house as a gift. This is a gift for
Speaker 1: you to recalibrate and get yourself on the right track
Speaker 1: so that you can be in a different place in
Speaker 1: six months. Don't denounce the place that you're in, accept
Speaker 1: it and understand this is temporary too. You're not gonna
Speaker 1: live with your parents for the rest of your life,
Speaker 1: so it's it's a huge opportunity and you just need
Speaker 1: to flip the script on yourself and honestly start out
Speaker 1: with affirmations in the morning that they're not gonna hurt you.
Speaker 1: Just wake up and say you're valuable, you're beautiful inside
Speaker 1: and out, You're you know, you mean something, and who
Speaker 1: you love and who you're grateful for. Instead of looking
Speaker 1: at what you don't have, look at things you do
Speaker 1: have and build on that because that is the power
Speaker 1: of positive thinking. It sounds like a cliche, it sounds
Speaker 1: like something only spiritual people can access, but it is
Speaker 1: very practical and it's a huge tool that will help
Speaker 1: you through the rest of your life. If you can
Speaker 1: learn how to use it and apply it to your
Speaker 1: life right now, it's going to be your best friend.
Speaker 1: There's this app that I use. It's called I AM Affirmations,
Speaker 1: and they send me I want to say maybe like
Speaker 1: ten and twenty throughout the day. And I always find,
Speaker 1: especially in low days, the affirmation that they send me
Speaker 1: somehow is the perfect thing that I need to read
Speaker 1: in that moment to get my ship together. So I
Speaker 1: highly recommend you can choose a cute background you can
Speaker 1: they have like a play sound where you could just
Speaker 1: like press play and they'll just like say it to
Speaker 1: you over and over and over again. But it really
Speaker 1: will help you in those days when you don't feel
Speaker 1: that great about yourself. I love that. What's that called?
Speaker 1: I am affirmations? I am affirmations. That's a good one.
Speaker 1: Thank you. And what was the book you referenced earlier
Speaker 1: in the episode Quiet Buy Susan Kane. Okay, yeah, I
Speaker 1: haven't read that one. It's so good. I read it
Speaker 1: in like a week. I was just devouring it. It's
Speaker 1: so good. That stuff is very valuable because our narrative
Speaker 1: is what are you know, especially when we sink low,
Speaker 1: we just get into ego and when we're down, we
Speaker 1: just think out everything that is not important, and it
Speaker 1: rarely get to focus on the things that are So Yes,
Speaker 1: have the power to lift yourself out of this. You
Speaker 1: take your two days, like Phoebe said, and then get
Speaker 1: your ship together. I love that well. Our last question
Speaker 1: it comes from Samantha. She says, Dear Chelsea. I met
Speaker 1: my boyfriend on Tinder, and our relationships started off very sexually,
Speaker 1: sexting often and hooking up. I wasn't looking for anything
Speaker 1: serious at the time, but we ended up together. We've
Speaker 1: been dating for a year now and everything is perfect
Speaker 1: except a month ago, I found some messages on his
Speaker 1: phone that looked like he was sexting other women. I
Speaker 1: confronted him about it, and he explained that it wasn't
Speaker 1: what it looked like. He said that it's basically role
Speaker 1: play and that he messages other men about the women
Speaker 1: in their life. The men he messages get off on
Speaker 1: other men wanting their wives and girlfriends. Should I believe him?
Speaker 1: He seemed really embarrassed, and I could tell it was
Speaker 1: hard for him to talk about, which makes me think
Speaker 1: that it's true. Who would make that up if it
Speaker 1: wasn't true. I did believe him right away, but I
Speaker 1: have a history of being naive and trusting too easily
Speaker 1: in relationships. I didn't want to kink shame him, but
Speaker 1: I told him I was uncomfortable with it, and I
Speaker 1: didn't think it was appropriate for him to sex to
Speaker 1: anyone else while in a relationship. He told me he
Speaker 1: felt he had an addiction and it started before we
Speaker 1: started dating, and it was hard for him to stop
Speaker 1: when he met me. He promised me and has since stopped,
Speaker 1: and I have reason to believe that's true. Since then,
Speaker 1: I found a few more old messages which were all
Speaker 1: dated from before I found out. Every time I bring
Speaker 1: it up or ask about it, he's very open, answers
Speaker 1: all questions, and it's very apologetic. Do I believe him?
Speaker 1: Is this a deal breaker? Either way? He views it
Speaker 1: as a form of porn, but I can't help but
Speaker 1: feel hurt and betrayed. Thanks in advance, Samantha m hm, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I vascillated there because at first I'm just like listen,
Speaker 1: but I mean then she says he stopped. I think
Speaker 1: if somebody has an addiction and they throw around the
Speaker 1: word addiction, you should listen to that because that's not
Speaker 1: a light term, even though men can use that term
Speaker 1: just to get out of ship, right. You know, men
Speaker 1: are like, oh, I'm a sex addict. It's like, why
Speaker 1: aren't I a sex addict. How come I don't own
Speaker 1: women who are sex addict. But I can't tell you
Speaker 1: what to do in this situation because this is your relationship,
Speaker 1: and this is you have to trust your gut here
Speaker 1: and and follow it. If you believe him and you're
Speaker 1: still checking his phone and he hasn't made any more,
Speaker 1: you know, contact with other people, it just it sounds
Speaker 1: like a bigger issue than just the texting, right, Like,
Speaker 1: if this is an issue, then there's more to the matter.
Speaker 1: You know, you are very hurt. People can change if
Speaker 1: he had that problem, you know, and if if he
Speaker 1: seeks the right help. But him changing because you told
Speaker 1: him not to do it anymore isn't exactly the right
Speaker 1: way to go about having change, right. Yeah, I feel
Speaker 1: like it won't stick because he's just doing it for you,
Speaker 1: and then he's gonna have a moment of weakness and
Speaker 1: then the floodgates are going to open. And so I
Speaker 1: really do think that if he does think this is
Speaker 1: an addiction, he might need to really talk to someone
Speaker 1: about this in order for this to stick, because I
Speaker 1: just I'm worried that in six months it's going to
Speaker 1: start up again and he's gonna be any messages. You're
Speaker 1: gonna find something. I just don't know. I just don't
Speaker 1: know if it's gonna last. Yeah, when somebody says I'm
Speaker 1: gonna stop doing something because you asked me to, and
Speaker 1: that the fact that he's been doing it since he
Speaker 1: met you implies that there you guys have been together
Speaker 1: for a year, right, I mean that implies that it
Speaker 1: is an addiction. Yeah, So I think it's a deeper
Speaker 1: It's not just like one and done. You have to
Speaker 1: have another conversation about it, and possibly several to make
Speaker 1: sure that you can trust him, and you being hurt
Speaker 1: is very valid and a good engine for him to
Speaker 1: make some changes. But it sounds like you're going to
Speaker 1: find that again, like just off the top of my head,
Speaker 1: and instinctively, it sounds like you're going to run into
Speaker 1: this problem with him again. So I guess my advice
Speaker 1: would be to sit down and really unearthed, possibly with
Speaker 1: a third party, you know, a therapist on Earth, what
Speaker 1: this is really about, so you can get to the
Speaker 1: meat of the matter instead of just kind of putting
Speaker 1: a band aid on the behavior. You want to find
Speaker 1: out why that behavior is happening in the first place,
Speaker 1: and why he has an addiction to sexting people when
Speaker 1: he's in a relationship with you. Yeah, And I also
Speaker 1: feel like maybe there's because I don't want to kink
Speaker 1: shame at all, But maybe there's a way that you
Speaker 1: guys can find something sexually together that gets you guys
Speaker 1: off rather than him doing this this whole thing on
Speaker 1: in the side that's like making him excited that you
Speaker 1: know nothing about it. Seems like he's putting up a
Speaker 1: wall there, and it would be I think better for
Speaker 1: the relationship if you guys could just like have fun
Speaker 1: sexually together without anyone sneaking around. So I don't know
Speaker 1: if that helps, but yeah, yeah, so I think you
Speaker 1: should just don't let it go right now, keep unearthing
Speaker 1: what the get to the root of the matter on
Speaker 1: this one. That is what our advice is. Yeah, I mean,
Speaker 1: he obviously has some shame around it, or you know,
Speaker 1: he wouldn't feel that sort of embarrassment, So maybe having
Speaker 1: her to talk to about it might help a little bit.
Speaker 1: And maybe he also just like needs to see a
Speaker 1: therapist on his own to really right to get it,
Speaker 1: to get it sorted. Yeah, so we'll have Samantha follow
Speaker 1: up with us. Good look we are going to take
Speaker 1: a quick break so you can hear and add and
Speaker 1: then we'll be right back. I want to follow up
Speaker 1: with you, Phoebe about ANAL because I think that's an
Speaker 1: important thing for us to be I think it's important
Speaker 1: for women to talk more about it because I remember
Speaker 1: my girlfriend. I won't mention her name because she's pretty
Speaker 1: famous and she I don't know how outspoken she is
Speaker 1: on the subject matter, but I remember hanging out at
Speaker 1: her house and she was like, God, I love ANAL.
Speaker 1: And I remember going really, like, you love anal? And
Speaker 1: I don't. I like anal too. I don't have a
Speaker 1: problem with that. And I think it's all part of
Speaker 1: the same machine, especially when you're on your period and
Speaker 1: you don't want to do you know, and it's a
Speaker 1: hot mess, and and I think there's something very erotic
Speaker 1: about ANAL. And I feel like we all have this
Speaker 1: kind of dirty notion of it because why because it's
Speaker 1: for gay people, or because it implies what because of
Speaker 1: the re of its relationship to aids, like what is
Speaker 1: our dirt? Why do we find anal to be such
Speaker 1: a taboo subject for women to talk about. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: think it has to do with being homophobic this whole
Speaker 1: like you don't want to be like related to that anyway.
Speaker 1: And then also I think we just find a way
Speaker 1: to sort of make women feel bad about anything they do,
Speaker 1: you know, whether it's blow job, whether it's just you know,
Speaker 1: straight up like regular penetration through the vagina, like all
Speaker 1: of it, like we're always supposed to why It's like
Speaker 1: there's we can't win. We can't win. No, no, no,
Speaker 1: that's exactly right. There was so much the shame and
Speaker 1: master Like I grew up with shame and masturbating because
Speaker 1: I got caught masturbating on a jungle gym when I
Speaker 1: was in first or second grade. I had found out
Speaker 1: about the feeling. Maybe it was a little bit older,
Speaker 1: but anyway, I knew when you rode up and down
Speaker 1: those that those metal bars that held up the swing sets,
Speaker 1: that that robbed your vagina in a nice way, that
Speaker 1: eventually would be like, uh, like my teachers would have
Speaker 1: to come outside and get me and be like I'd
Speaker 1: be running those monkey bars or those those metal bars
Speaker 1: like for way past recess. Because I had found myself,
Speaker 1: I was like, oh my god. But so much shame
Speaker 1: came from being just yelled at on the school playground
Speaker 1: by my teachers that for a long time I never
Speaker 1: even touched my vagina, like I didn't want anything to
Speaker 1: do with it because of the shame. And so I
Speaker 1: think sometimes we get yeah, exactly, there is. If there's
Speaker 1: a way to shame a woman, why not same thing
Speaker 1: with blow jobs. The first guy I gave a blowjob to,
Speaker 1: I remember him putting his hand on the back of
Speaker 1: my head to push my head down, and I lost it,
Speaker 1: Like I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: that's never happening. I'm never having a man do that
Speaker 1: to me. And now you know, I do. You know,
Speaker 1: I feel completely fine giving blow jobs because I'm in
Speaker 1: love with somebody who does respect me and I don't
Speaker 1: have to worry about that. So there is like I'm
Speaker 1: definitely having a sexual awakening in my four days for
Speaker 1: because I'm so much more comfortable with all of this
Speaker 1: stuff and talking about it. Even though I used to
Speaker 1: be very promiscuous and outspoken about it, it wasn't about
Speaker 1: being intimate, you know what I mean. So there is
Speaker 1: some there's a lot of value that comes with your
Speaker 1: ownership over your own intimacy. Yeah, and just talking and
Speaker 1: communicating with your partner about what you like, but you
Speaker 1: don't like what you're sort of like interested in, but
Speaker 1: you've been too scared to admit it. Like all that
Speaker 1: stuff is only gonna make sex better and more exciting
Speaker 1: and you're gonna feel more comfortable with yourself. So I
Speaker 1: think we've got to just like open the floodgates and
Speaker 1: talk about it all. And when did you become When
Speaker 1: do you feel like you became your most comfortable self
Speaker 1: with your sexuality? I think it's probably with my with
Speaker 1: my Bay with British bake Off, that's his code name.
Speaker 1: I just feel like he there's just like an openness
Speaker 1: and a vulnerability with him too, So it just feels
Speaker 1: like a safe space where we could say whatever, we
Speaker 1: can try whatever we want to try, and it's totally fine,
Speaker 1: and there's no word like, oh my gosh, you're gonna
Speaker 1: think I'm like whatever, you know what I mean, because
Speaker 1: I think just growing up, you're sort of the notion
Speaker 1: is that we're all supposed to be very like Chase
Speaker 1: right and like not have that much sex at all,
Speaker 1: but we're supposed to know how to do every single
Speaker 1: position and have such a mastery over it, and none
Speaker 1: of it makes sense, and so I feel like with him,
Speaker 1: we could definitely have the moments where we're like in
Speaker 1: the zone is really hot and like animalistic, and there's
Speaker 1: also moments where it's like we're trying to be sexy
Speaker 1: and we like mess up, we end up just like laughing,
Speaker 1: and then we get right back into And I think
Speaker 1: that's hard to find. And when you find that person,
Speaker 1: it just brings all your walls down. It brings all
Speaker 1: your walls down. And the more comfortable you are with yourself,
Speaker 1: the more comfortable your partner is, right because you it's
Speaker 1: it's just an energy that you give off. It's like
Speaker 1: when you're nervous, you know, you can make other people
Speaker 1: nervous around you. And so the more in touch you
Speaker 1: can get and the more grounded you can get with
Speaker 1: your own vibes, I think is is an important tool
Speaker 1: in ground your you and your partner. Sex Lives, sex Life,
Speaker 1: sex Lives, sex Lives, sex Lives and video tape anyway, Katherine,
Speaker 1: do you have anything to add on your sexuality, I
Speaker 1: mean just that it changes. I've been with my we've
Speaker 1: been married for thirteen years. My husband and I and
Speaker 1: I mean really even in like the last five years,
Speaker 1: Like there's still surprises that happened. You're like, oh, this
Speaker 1: is what we like now. It's fun how it continues
Speaker 1: to evolve. But that really depends on being open, like
Speaker 1: you said, like trying new things, just try it. If
Speaker 1: you don't like it, move on to something else. But
Speaker 1: having that partner that you trust and you can just
Speaker 1: like have a good time with laugh, you know, make
Speaker 1: fart jokes in the middle, like yeah, and it's always
Speaker 1: good to say, like to push the boundaries a little bit,
Speaker 1: like if that's something you're interested in, or if you
Speaker 1: want to talk a little dirtier, or if you're interested
Speaker 1: in having a threesome, like talking about that stuff, you're
Speaker 1: gonna be surprised, Like some people are so embarrassed. I
Speaker 1: know I was for a long time to talk about
Speaker 1: what my actual desires were, but but because I didn't
Speaker 1: want them to be like, oh, put off or emasculated
Speaker 1: or whatever. And then it's like, you know, the response
Speaker 1: usually is in kind, like you know, you'd be surprised
Speaker 1: what you're going to find out about your partner when
Speaker 1: you're really honest with yourself and with them. Yeah, maybe
Speaker 1: before you go, did you want to ask Chelsea for
Speaker 1: a piece of advice as well. Oh Chelsea, Okay. So
Speaker 1: I am thirty seven. A lot of my girlfriends are
Speaker 1: my same age, a little bit older. A lot of
Speaker 1: them are having kids, and I have made the choice
Speaker 1: to be voluntarily child free, which I'm very happy about.
Speaker 1: But when you don't have kids and your friends have kids,
Speaker 1: like your relationships and your friendships change, and so sometimes
Speaker 1: I'm like, ship, I don't want to bother my friend.
Speaker 1: I reached out to them to hang out, and am
Speaker 1: I like not important enough? Like I just don't know
Speaker 1: how to like navigate these friendships as they change. Or
Speaker 1: should I just find new friends who don't want to
Speaker 1: have kids either, and then we can hang out together.
Speaker 1: I'm just trying to figure out, like what's the new
Speaker 1: normal and all this happening under COVID, where everything is
Speaker 1: just socialization has changed in general, I just don't know
Speaker 1: where my place fits in. Yeah, I think I think,
Speaker 1: first of all, it's always nice to be making new
Speaker 1: friends with whatever stage of life you're in, you know,
Speaker 1: Like I just was living in Whistler last year for
Speaker 1: three months, and I made a group of girlfriends because
Speaker 1: I was there by myself. I couldn't bring my family
Speaker 1: or my friends because of COVID, so I had to
Speaker 1: make new friends and it was just one of the
Speaker 1: most like joyous times of my life because I had
Speaker 1: never had to make friends, you know, I hadn't been
Speaker 1: in a situation where I was just like I didn't
Speaker 1: know anybody, and I just had to be like a
Speaker 1: local yokel and I loved it. So a you're gonna
Speaker 1: be always making friends and being open to that is good.
Speaker 1: I mean, you seem like you're pretty well rounded, so
Speaker 1: you're going to be open to meeting people anyway. And
Speaker 1: with your job, you're always going to be meeting people.
Speaker 1: So being in this industry, there's always people coming in
Speaker 1: and out. But the other thing is is like, you know,
Speaker 1: when my friends have kids and they're important to me,
Speaker 1: I just make sure that I show up at their house,
Speaker 1: you know, Like I show up so that they're not
Speaker 1: having to go out of their way to meet up
Speaker 1: with me. Like I'll go over there, have a coffee,
Speaker 1: have a drink, hang out with them, hang out with
Speaker 1: their kids in the background, or if their kids are
Speaker 1: cool enough, I'll hang out with their kids too. But
Speaker 1: there's a lot of people in my life that have
Speaker 1: babies or or small children, and I always prioritize those
Speaker 1: people and make sure that that I know that I
Speaker 1: have to go to them, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: And you know I don't love children or anything I mean,
Speaker 1: but I love my friends children enough to be able
Speaker 1: to like be present in their lives and understand that
Speaker 1: like the first eight or nine years of having a
Speaker 1: child is like somebody is in a completely different situation.
Speaker 1: I have the leisure and license to be able to
Speaker 1: pop over there more easily than they can do it.
Speaker 1: So in those times, I think it's really important to
Speaker 1: show up for your friends in those ways. It's not mandatory,
Speaker 1: but it is a nice thing to do out of friendship,
Speaker 1: to be like, hey, you know, you've got a new born.
Speaker 1: You're dealing with this, And then you know, if you
Speaker 1: have the type of friend that all they can do
Speaker 1: is talk about their child and want to be with
Speaker 1: their child all the time and everything's about the child,
Speaker 1: that doesn't work for me. If you have the type
Speaker 1: of friend that can separate the two and have a
Speaker 1: life that's independent of the child and still as like
Speaker 1: a woman who's your friend, who's interested in talking about
Speaker 1: world issues, or gossiping or whatever floats your boat. Then
Speaker 1: you know you can still honor that in certain ways too.
Speaker 1: But yeah, people who are completely consumed by their children
Speaker 1: I have a hard time with because that's not my life,
Speaker 1: that's your life, and now we're not sharing. Yeah, and
Speaker 1: then sometimes it just feels like, because I'm not a mom,
Speaker 1: I'm constantly hey, how's it going? Is anything you need
Speaker 1: for me? You just feel like sometimes you don't get
Speaker 1: that back. But maybe that's just an expectation that I
Speaker 1: shouldn't have, you know, I think it's unfair. I think
Speaker 1: when people are really in the throes of it, we
Speaker 1: should cut them a little slack and when they're parenting,
Speaker 1: because look at how we don't have, like we don't
Speaker 1: have those times, you know, we don't have to do that.
Speaker 1: So what's our excuse? What's keeping us from showing up
Speaker 1: a little bit extra for our friends when they're in
Speaker 1: that moment, right They're they're looking at us like, fuck,
Speaker 1: she's singles, she can't have come over here? What is
Speaker 1: she doing? She's got a drink all day. It's like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I have responsibilities to know. I could totally come over
Speaker 1: and hang out there for a couple of hours and
Speaker 1: that goes a long way. You know, spending time with
Speaker 1: people in their homes when their kids are around is
Speaker 1: a very great way to spend time with somebody. You know,
Speaker 1: when you grew up in your family was like watching
Speaker 1: TV doing nothing and that that's those are the most
Speaker 1: comfortable moments when you're all just together in a house.
Speaker 1: So it kind of takes Also, it lessens the pressure
Speaker 1: of having an incredible time. You know, you swing by,
Speaker 1: you show your face, it goes a long way. You
Speaker 1: have a coffee or have a cocktail or smoke a doobie,
Speaker 1: whatever you're into, and it kind of brightens their day.
Speaker 1: That's how I feel when I go to my friend's
Speaker 1: house who have kids, I'm like, okay, it's time to
Speaker 1: go bright in their day. Oh I love that. Okay,
Speaker 1: that's great. I'm gonna do more of that. Great. We're
Speaker 1: going out with a bang. Thank you, Phoebe for being
Speaker 1: here today. It was such a pleasure. So hanging out
Speaker 1: with you and talking to you, this has been so fun.
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna like fangirl over you, but this is
Speaker 1: really cool. So thank you so much for Famia. Well,
Speaker 1: thank you, thank you, and make sure, you guys. You
Speaker 1: can check out her HBO Max special sorry Harriet Tubman,
Speaker 1: and you can check out her latest book, which is
Speaker 1: Please Don't sit on my bed with your outside clothes.
Speaker 1: That's correct. Boom okay. With regard to my stand up
Speaker 1: you guys, I have added thirty cities. We've added Des Moines.
Speaker 1: We've added your request people who requested Louisville, Kentucky. Guess
Speaker 1: fucking what I'm coming. We've added Montclair, New Jersey. We've
Speaker 1: added a whole slew of cities. So if you have
Speaker 1: not gotten your tickets yet, do it Chelsea handler dot com.
Speaker 1: We just announced thirty more cities, Niagara Falls. I'm talking
Speaker 1: to you too, so stuck on that. I'll see everybody
Speaker 1: on tour, loving it, vaccinated in horny. And if you
Speaker 1: have a question, or you and loved one have a question,
Speaker 1: please write into beer Chelsea project at gmail dot com