WEBVTT - Two-Day Pity Parties with Phoebe Robinson 0:00:00.920 --> 0:00:07.360 Hello, and welcome to dear Chelsea. Hello, Chelsea, I heard 0:00:07.600 --> 0:00:11.119 that you received an award. That's very exciting. Oh my god, 0:00:11.160 --> 0:00:14.200 I did you, guys, I won the People's Choice Award 0:00:14.240 --> 0:00:20.200 for Best Comedy Tour for Vaccinated and Hoarding. I know, 0:00:20.440 --> 0:00:22.840 it's so exciting. It's so exciting, and I want to 0:00:22.880 --> 0:00:25.119 thank every single person that spent the time to vote 0:00:25.120 --> 0:00:27.600 for me, because I would never do that. I would 0:00:27.640 --> 0:00:30.000 never go and vote and sit there on a thing. 0:00:30.200 --> 0:00:32.720 So I just want to say thank you for all 0:00:32.720 --> 0:00:35.520 the people that did that. I really appreciate the love. 0:00:35.680 --> 0:00:38.320 And this tour has been awesome. We're adding new cities. 0:00:38.760 --> 0:00:44.200 We're adding l A. We just announced uh Mauie, Philly, Pittsburgh. 0:00:44.560 --> 0:00:46.559 We're adding a second show in Portland, and we have 0:00:46.640 --> 0:00:51.680 second shows up for Seattle, Winnipeg, Vancouver, Toronto, all of 0:00:51.720 --> 0:00:54.920 those places, and we are continuing to add dates. So 0:00:55.480 --> 0:00:57.280 make sure you go to Chelsea handler dot com to 0:00:57.360 --> 0:01:02.680 come see the People's Choice Award winning Vaccinated at Horny Tour. 0:01:03.280 --> 0:01:07.320 That's so I never win awards. I mean, well, I 0:01:07.360 --> 0:01:09.800 guess I do know, yeah, I mean exactly. We'll put 0:01:09.800 --> 0:01:13.080 that out in I don't know I'm nominated for a Grammy. 0:01:13.200 --> 0:01:16.440 You guys, I got nominated for a Grammy for my 0:01:16.520 --> 0:01:22.120 last special resolution for Best Comedy Album. It's O I 0:01:22.160 --> 0:01:24.640 cannot tell you the amount of emails we got about Evolution, 0:01:24.720 --> 0:01:26.679 Like of course it's the most recent one, but also 0:01:27.040 --> 0:01:29.520 people mentioned your other books and your other specials, but 0:01:29.560 --> 0:01:32.520 like this one, it's like it just touched so many 0:01:32.520 --> 0:01:36.040 people so deeply. Oh, I love that so much. That's 0:01:36.080 --> 0:01:38.720 so meaningful to me. Thank you. I mean, I woke up. 0:01:38.959 --> 0:01:42.080 We were in Hawaii for Thanksgiving, Joe and me, and 0:01:42.080 --> 0:01:44.919 then I woke up and I was like, my agent, 0:01:45.000 --> 0:01:48.200 Heidi was like, You've been nominated for a Grammy And 0:01:48.240 --> 0:01:51.120 I was like, I wrote back for what And she's like, 0:01:51.200 --> 0:01:54.520 for Best Comedy Album for Evolution with HBO Max. And 0:01:54.560 --> 0:01:57.600 I was like, Joe, I've been nominated for a Grammy 0:01:57.720 --> 0:02:00.480 and He's like what I mean? So that was really 0:02:00.520 --> 0:02:03.240 fucking awesome and I'm so excited. I mean, ever since 0:02:03.320 --> 0:02:05.720 Joe Coy came into my life, it's just been raining goodness. 0:02:06.240 --> 0:02:08.560 That's so wonderful. But it's also because you did the 0:02:08.600 --> 0:02:10.840 work and you leveled up and like all the good 0:02:10.840 --> 0:02:13.359 things were trickling in. Oh yeah, it feels really good. 0:02:13.400 --> 0:02:15.800 Thank you. I'm feeling really good that I dove deep 0:02:15.800 --> 0:02:18.760 into myself because the payoff doesn't come right away, but 0:02:18.919 --> 0:02:21.359 you see the results when you start to see them, 0:02:21.400 --> 0:02:23.840 you really see them. And and and yeah, it feels 0:02:23.840 --> 0:02:26.399 good to have done all of that stuff. Yeah, that's 0:02:26.440 --> 0:02:30.600 so good. Good, thank you. I'm very excited for today. Yeah, 0:02:30.800 --> 0:02:34.079 we have a very special guest. This girl is well, 0:02:34.080 --> 0:02:35.800 she's not a girl, she's a woman. But I like 0:02:35.880 --> 0:02:38.119 to call all my female friends girls because it keeps 0:02:38.160 --> 0:02:40.880 us young. She's a stand up comedian as well. She's 0:02:40.880 --> 0:02:44.000 an actress, she's a producer, she's a writer, she's got 0:02:44.000 --> 0:02:47.320 her own production company. She just came out with her 0:02:47.520 --> 0:02:51.160 new HBO Max special which was called Sorry Harriet Tubman, 0:02:51.560 --> 0:02:54.880 so please check that out. And her most recent book 0:02:55.080 --> 0:02:57.520 is called Please Don't Sit on My Bed in Your 0:02:57.560 --> 0:03:01.359 Outside Clothes. And her name is Phoebe Robinson. So welcome 0:03:01.400 --> 0:03:05.520 Phoebe Robinson. Thank you for having me, Chelsea Handler. This 0:03:05.600 --> 0:03:08.480 is great. I'm excited. Oh, I'm excited to see you. 0:03:08.560 --> 0:03:11.280 I know we just met recently. Well, we've met online 0:03:11.400 --> 0:03:14.240 on on Instagram, d m NG and stuff over the 0:03:14.280 --> 0:03:17.560 course of some months. But I had read one of 0:03:17.600 --> 0:03:20.799 your previous books, and you came to my show at 0:03:20.800 --> 0:03:25.079 the Beacond recently with your lover, who you talk about 0:03:25.200 --> 0:03:27.520 in your book Please don't sit on my bed in 0:03:27.560 --> 0:03:30.720 your outside clothes. You talk a lot about him, and 0:03:30.800 --> 0:03:34.360 a lot about how different you guys are from each 0:03:34.360 --> 0:03:38.800 other and what a successful relationship you are experiencing, which 0:03:38.920 --> 0:03:42.320 I found very inspiring and I think helpful for a 0:03:42.360 --> 0:03:44.840 lot of people to hear about, because you guys started 0:03:44.840 --> 0:03:47.880 out in a situation where it was a long distance 0:03:48.360 --> 0:03:52.000 and not looking very hopeful considering his career trajectory as 0:03:52.000 --> 0:03:54.400 well as your own. Yeah, I mean he so he 0:03:54.440 --> 0:03:57.440 works in music, he travels all the time, and when 0:03:57.480 --> 0:04:00.000 I met him in ten I didn't want to date, 0:04:00.480 --> 0:04:02.119 and I certainly didn't want to date like a tour 0:04:02.240 --> 0:04:04.360 manager for rock bands. I'm like, okay, so this guy 0:04:04.440 --> 0:04:06.440 is gonna like cheat on me, like do whatever, like 0:04:06.480 --> 0:04:09.200 who cares? And we just really hit it off, like 0:04:09.480 --> 0:04:12.200 I never expected to end up with a British guy. 0:04:12.560 --> 0:04:14.680 He's a little bit younger than me, four years younger, 0:04:14.720 --> 0:04:16.960 which I don't even know if that really counts as anything, 0:04:17.560 --> 0:04:21.120 but he's so great and honestly, like we do couples 0:04:21.160 --> 0:04:24.920 therapy like once every three months, just to like I 0:04:25.520 --> 0:04:27.600 feel like people don't want to talk about that, and 0:04:27.760 --> 0:04:29.880 just like your relationship is just supposed to be perfect, 0:04:29.920 --> 0:04:32.240 and it's like, no, it's not like it's two different 0:04:32.240 --> 0:04:35.880 people who have like different thoughts, different upbringings, different everything. 0:04:35.920 --> 0:04:37.920 It's you really have to be like all we're gonna 0:04:37.960 --> 0:04:40.599 like constantly check in and work on each other. But 0:04:41.120 --> 0:04:44.279 he's so amazing, he's so funny, and he's a much 0:04:44.320 --> 0:04:46.320 better person than me. So I really hit the jack 0:04:46.360 --> 0:04:48.279 box with him. Did you not want to date anybody 0:04:48.320 --> 0:04:50.080 at that time in your life or were you just 0:04:51.040 --> 0:04:54.600 to everything? So I was what about to turn thirty three, 0:04:54.640 --> 0:04:56.200 and I was just I come out of a long 0:04:56.320 --> 0:04:58.360 term relationship in which I thought I was going to 0:04:58.520 --> 0:05:01.520 marry that guy and then didn't happen. What happened there, 0:05:01.800 --> 0:05:05.640 it was just like it was so it was a 0:05:05.680 --> 0:05:07.400 lot of things, Like I think it just sort of 0:05:07.440 --> 0:05:10.120 like we were just growing apart differently, and like, to 0:05:10.200 --> 0:05:11.760 be fair, in my career at the time, was not 0:05:11.839 --> 0:05:13.839 anything to like write home about. Like I got like 0:05:13.880 --> 0:05:17.280 a writing job on this like crappy show and few 0:05:17.440 --> 0:05:19.640 TV that like no one watched and like the Tito 0:05:19.720 --> 0:05:21.880 Queen's podcast is about to come out, but he felt 0:05:21.880 --> 0:05:25.240 like a little like threatened by and I was like, dude, 0:05:25.279 --> 0:05:27.359 it's a podcast. It doesn't mean like my life is 0:05:27.360 --> 0:05:30.200 gonna Like I'm not like a famous person having a podcast. 0:05:30.240 --> 0:05:32.720 I'm like a broke comic having a podcast. It's like 0:05:32.760 --> 0:05:35.279 not the same thing. But he just sort of felt 0:05:35.279 --> 0:05:37.040 weird about it, and he was like, I don't want 0:05:37.040 --> 0:05:38.320 to be in your shadow, and I was like, there's 0:05:38.360 --> 0:05:41.400 no shadow there. Look at my bank account, there is 0:05:41.440 --> 0:05:44.520 no shadow. So I didn't work out. And then after that, 0:05:44.560 --> 0:05:47.279 I was like so thirsty. It was so desperate. I 0:05:47.279 --> 0:05:49.599 was like I need to find a new boyfriend. And 0:05:49.640 --> 0:05:51.680 then I got to a point where I was just like, girl, 0:05:51.680 --> 0:05:54.960 why are you so desperate to like being another relationship. 0:05:55.040 --> 0:05:56.560 So I was like, Okay, I'm just gonna take the 0:05:56.640 --> 0:05:59.880 next year to be by myself, figure out what who 0:05:59.880 --> 0:06:02.400 I am in my thirties now because I started dating 0:06:02.400 --> 0:06:04.280 this guy when I was in my twenties and just 0:06:04.400 --> 0:06:06.360 really sort of figure out like what do I want 0:06:06.400 --> 0:06:08.560 the next ten years of my life to be? And 0:06:08.600 --> 0:06:11.000 of course I mean my boyfriend. Like three months after 0:06:11.040 --> 0:06:14.680 I made that declaration here we are and here you are, guys, 0:06:14.720 --> 0:06:16.839 and and he and your your schedules aren't easy to 0:06:16.839 --> 0:06:19.080 work around. I mean, if it hadn't been for COVID, 0:06:19.120 --> 0:06:21.640 you guys wouldn't have been forced to spend that much 0:06:21.680 --> 0:06:25.679 time together. Yeah, in I would say we probably spent 0:06:25.920 --> 0:06:29.960 like thirty five thirty six weeks apart. Like it's just 0:06:30.080 --> 0:06:32.000 it's tough, you know, like you travel all the time 0:06:32.040 --> 0:06:36.200 and it's a grind. And so then with COVID and everything, 0:06:36.240 --> 0:06:38.480 we really had to like be around each other all 0:06:38.600 --> 0:06:42.560 day every day. And I love him and he loves me. 0:06:42.600 --> 0:06:45.480 But I think I'm a person who really needs their 0:06:45.480 --> 0:06:49.000 alone time to sort of like disn't work on myself. 0:06:49.000 --> 0:06:51.160 So I read this book called Quiet by Susan Caine, 0:06:51.320 --> 0:06:54.440 which is amazing and talked about like introverse extroverts, and 0:06:54.440 --> 0:06:57.440 I'm an ambiverse, I'm accommodation both. So when I'm around 0:06:57.480 --> 0:07:00.320 a lot of people, like I get my energies range, 0:07:00.360 --> 0:07:02.479 so I really need just like holl away for a 0:07:02.480 --> 0:07:05.320 while and they come back out. And so he was 0:07:05.360 --> 0:07:07.120 just like, oh, this is great. I could be around 0:07:07.120 --> 0:07:10.120 you like all the time. And I was like, I 0:07:10.160 --> 0:07:14.640 don't think I feel that way about anyone. That's how 0:07:14.680 --> 0:07:16.560 I am. I can relate to that a lot. I'm 0:07:16.560 --> 0:07:19.040 anna hamb avert, but I also can relate to I 0:07:19.080 --> 0:07:22.120 feel sucked dry when I you know, when I perform, 0:07:22.280 --> 0:07:24.400 if I have shows, like the next day, I need 0:07:24.440 --> 0:07:27.520 to be alone in my bed. It's not out and about. 0:07:27.640 --> 0:07:30.000 It's like if it's a big energy suck for me, 0:07:30.040 --> 0:07:32.520 which is something I didn't recognize earlier on in my life, 0:07:32.760 --> 0:07:35.000 which is why I would, you know, my battery would 0:07:35.040 --> 0:07:37.520 run out so frequently, because I wasn't mindful of the 0:07:37.560 --> 0:07:40.600 fact that how much you're expending versus how much you 0:07:40.640 --> 0:07:42.920 know and other people who don't feel this way. If 0:07:42.960 --> 0:07:45.600 you're listening, it's like it's a performance thing for sure, 0:07:45.760 --> 0:07:48.000 if you're a performer. And you know, I tried to 0:07:48.000 --> 0:07:49.600 explain to my girlfriends all the time, like if I 0:07:49.600 --> 0:07:52.600 go to a dinner and I feel like it's it's 0:07:52.640 --> 0:07:55.080 expected of me to be entertaining, it's expected of me 0:07:55.120 --> 0:07:56.520 to be the life of the party, and you know, 0:07:56.640 --> 0:07:58.600 I when I explained that to my girlfriend sometimes when 0:07:58.600 --> 0:08:00.000 I'm like, I don't want to go to this thing 0:07:59.880 --> 0:08:02.600 because I feel the onus, She'll be like, but no 0:08:02.600 --> 0:08:04.600 one's expecting that from you. I'm like, it doesn't matter 0:08:04.640 --> 0:08:07.520 if you say that or not. I'm expecting it from me. 0:08:07.720 --> 0:08:10.640 You know, it's my condition. So I have to dismantle 0:08:10.720 --> 0:08:15.000 that from my own behavioral you know behavior. It's hard 0:08:15.360 --> 0:08:18.120 because you're you're a really funny person. So everyone is 0:08:18.160 --> 0:08:20.120 going to be like, oh, I was at this event 0:08:20.160 --> 0:08:22.000 and Chelsea healing, and she was really funny, you know, 0:08:22.160 --> 0:08:24.880 like you just you just know that people are thinking 0:08:24.920 --> 0:08:27.960 that even if they're not saying it. Let's just be real. 0:08:28.360 --> 0:08:30.160 So how did it work? So tell us a little 0:08:30.160 --> 0:08:33.520 bit how you acclimated to spending all that one on 0:08:33.520 --> 0:08:37.480 one time with him. Her partner is a tour manager, 0:08:37.720 --> 0:08:39.280 and he wants to do that for the you know, 0:08:39.400 --> 0:08:42.520 for the next ten years of his life, right or now. 0:08:42.679 --> 0:08:44.440 He's like, I think, I think he wants to do 0:08:44.480 --> 0:08:45.960 one more tour in that he's done. It's like, I 0:08:46.000 --> 0:08:49.160 want to be home. That's more reasonable. So but with that, 0:08:49.280 --> 0:08:52.120 those expectations were not that you would ever be in 0:08:52.120 --> 0:08:53.920 the same city for more than a you know, a 0:08:54.120 --> 0:08:56.679 twenty four hour thirty six hour period unless it was 0:08:56.720 --> 0:08:59.360 a holiday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we went from like 0:09:00.080 --> 0:09:02.600 that where it's like everything feels romantic and it feels 0:09:02.600 --> 0:09:04.800 like a vacation because it's just three days together, so 0:09:04.840 --> 0:09:07.200 everyone's in their best behavior. And then it's just like 0:09:07.720 --> 0:09:10.720 we're quarantining together. It's like, I'm a gassy person. I 0:09:10.720 --> 0:09:13.120 want to let it rip. I want my alone time. 0:09:13.640 --> 0:09:15.760 He wants to, you know, play video games with his 0:09:15.840 --> 0:09:19.280 friends over in the UK, and we were quarantining a 0:09:19.320 --> 0:09:22.040 two bedroom apartment, which is a great size, but in 0:09:22.080 --> 0:09:25.400 New York that's kind of tight. There's no balcony, so 0:09:25.480 --> 0:09:28.640 it was just we were constantly around each other. So 0:09:28.679 --> 0:09:30.920 there are moments where I just had to be like, Okay, 0:09:30.920 --> 0:09:33.440 I need my alone time, and so I would just 0:09:33.480 --> 0:09:35.120 go into a room with a cup of tea and 0:09:35.160 --> 0:09:37.040 just like read a book or scroll on my phone 0:09:37.160 --> 0:09:39.040 or watch like Sex in the City in the bath 0:09:39.160 --> 0:09:41.640 and just like have that little bit of time apart. 0:09:42.320 --> 0:09:45.680 But it was definitely it was definitely hard, and we 0:09:45.720 --> 0:09:48.920 had to sort of figure out our rhythm because I like, um, 0:09:48.960 --> 0:09:50.840 I didn't really know this is about me, but I 0:09:50.880 --> 0:09:54.080 like kind of a quiet home. And he would like 0:09:54.160 --> 0:09:56.920 wake up at like eight in the morning and put 0:09:56.960 --> 0:10:00.199 on like Band of Brothers, like he loves War were 0:10:00.320 --> 0:10:03.480 two movies, and so would just be fucking machine gun 0:10:03.640 --> 0:10:06.120 firing for like an hour. I'm like, I'm on a zoom. 0:10:06.120 --> 0:10:08.240 I just I was like, you need to turn this 0:10:08.320 --> 0:10:10.240 ship held down. So it was a lot of that, 0:10:10.280 --> 0:10:12.760 but we we figured out. But definitely we had to 0:10:12.800 --> 0:10:17.160 be like, Okay, I need this, I need this. You're cranky. 0:10:17.240 --> 0:10:20.400 You can't be cranky like this much because we're around 0:10:20.400 --> 0:10:22.280 each other all the time. And I was like, all right, yeah, 0:10:22.320 --> 0:10:24.120 i mean, if my boyfriend wakes up with a loud voice, 0:10:24.160 --> 0:10:26.960 I'm like, shut the funk up. I'm like morning voice, 0:10:27.240 --> 0:10:31.000 morning voices. You know, I don't like loud volumes in 0:10:31.040 --> 0:10:33.800 the morning. I don't either, it's too much. I'm like, 0:10:34.240 --> 0:10:35.960 I'm like, there's no reason you need to talk to 0:10:36.000 --> 0:10:39.120 me before eleven am, which I realized is kind of extreme. 0:10:39.200 --> 0:10:42.240 So I like dial to back, yeah, and video games 0:10:42.240 --> 0:10:44.960 and sports to me, video game. The sound of video 0:10:45.000 --> 0:10:47.240 games and the sound of sporting events in the background 0:10:47.720 --> 0:10:51.200 makes my vagina close up. I'm just I cannot fucking 0:10:51.280 --> 0:10:55.199 handle constant a sports announcement on in the background. It 0:10:55.280 --> 0:10:58.760 just reminds me of everything about my childhood that was depressing. 0:10:58.800 --> 0:11:01.520 About a Sunday so day football games, having to go 0:11:01.600 --> 0:11:04.080 back to school and having everyone just sit like a 0:11:04.120 --> 0:11:07.400 bunch of couch potatoes on the couch watching football all 0:11:07.679 --> 0:11:10.880 fucking day long. So that's why I don't like sports. Everybody, 0:11:10.960 --> 0:11:12.920 have you ever been to a Formula one race? He 0:11:13.000 --> 0:11:15.640 got me into Formula one and it's so fun. I 0:11:15.720 --> 0:11:17.360 bet I could. I could get into it, I could 0:11:17.360 --> 0:11:20.720 get into a specific natue, I could. I How many 0:11:20.760 --> 0:11:23.240 times have you been to one of those? When two 0:11:23.280 --> 0:11:25.880 weekends ago in Austin there was like a hundred and 0:11:25.920 --> 0:11:28.520 forty thousand people there, so we of course got tested 0:11:28.520 --> 0:11:30.760 when we came back because I was fucking wild. But 0:11:31.679 --> 0:11:33.400 I was never really into the sport. I was like, oh, 0:11:33.440 --> 0:11:35.520 I like Louis Hamilton's he's hot, he's black, a one 0:11:35.679 --> 0:11:38.040 whim and then he would always like watch it every 0:11:38.040 --> 0:11:40.640 Sunday and I would just fall asleep to the race 0:11:40.679 --> 0:11:43.960 because like the car into like really good a SMR. 0:11:44.559 --> 0:11:46.520 And then we went to actual race and got to 0:11:46.520 --> 0:11:50.000 see everyone. I was really impressed, and I was like, oh, shoot, 0:11:50.000 --> 0:11:52.080 this is a really hard sport and I'm super into 0:11:52.120 --> 0:11:55.240 it now. And what is a SMR stand for? Just 0:11:55.320 --> 0:11:59.120 like it's a soothing sound like just here, like oh, 0:11:59.160 --> 0:12:00.680 and then I would just like, we'll asleep to that 0:12:00.720 --> 0:12:03.520 on Sundays. Yeah, okay, that's like me putting on my 0:12:03.559 --> 0:12:07.120 rain machine at night, a machine to drown out Joe 0:12:07.200 --> 0:12:10.080 Koi's seapap machine because he has sleep at me. So 0:12:10.160 --> 0:12:12.199 he goes into a submarine every night. He has to 0:12:12.240 --> 0:12:15.280 put this mouth guard over his mouth and turn it on, 0:12:15.320 --> 0:12:18.960 and it sounds like a very low level storm, and 0:12:19.040 --> 0:12:20.800 so then I have to up that so that I'm 0:12:20.840 --> 0:12:22.680 not listening to that, and I put on my little 0:12:22.760 --> 0:12:26.719 rain app which is like thunderstorm or you know, hurricane 0:12:27.000 --> 0:12:30.400 whatever you're interested in listening to. But is there any 0:12:30.480 --> 0:12:33.600 cure for sleep apnea? Yeah, well you could get surgery. 0:12:33.679 --> 0:12:35.520 He has a special kind. We're gonna go to the 0:12:35.520 --> 0:12:37.720 doctor together when we get home to l A, because 0:12:37.720 --> 0:12:39.839 I need to talk to his doctor directly since I'm 0:12:39.840 --> 0:12:42.920 also a medical professional. But he claims that he has 0:12:42.960 --> 0:12:44.800 the type of sleep apnea that there's nothing he can 0:12:44.840 --> 0:12:47.880 do anything about. You can get surgery, but it requires 0:12:47.880 --> 0:12:50.320 your mouth being wired shuck for like two to three weeks. 0:12:50.360 --> 0:12:52.760 So you know, obviously people aren't app to get that. 0:12:52.960 --> 0:12:55.920 Men will be barely even use that fucking machine because 0:12:55.960 --> 0:12:58.880 they're just like, oh no, you know, it's a weakness, 0:12:58.960 --> 0:13:01.480 but like without it, he couldn't sleep, and you're just 0:13:01.640 --> 0:13:04.080 you know, with that when someone has bad sleep apnea, 0:13:04.280 --> 0:13:06.560 if you if you've ever been with anyone who's had it, 0:13:06.559 --> 0:13:08.800 it sounds like somebody is dying right next to you 0:13:09.000 --> 0:13:12.199 because they lose their breath and then they wake themselves 0:13:12.240 --> 0:13:15.960 up because they're they're they're choking, so it's like like you, 0:13:16.040 --> 0:13:18.480 their stomach goes in in and then it's a gasp. 0:13:19.000 --> 0:13:22.120 So it's very un you know, it's not very cooperative. 0:13:22.200 --> 0:13:24.680 So you definitely need to use a c PAP machine 0:13:24.679 --> 0:13:26.840 because then he sleeps like a baby, and that's what 0:13:26.920 --> 0:13:29.480 I wanted to do, is sleep like a baby. In 0:13:29.520 --> 0:13:31.600 your book, also you talk a lot about which I 0:13:31.600 --> 0:13:34.120 think is is really critical because there aren't a lot 0:13:34.120 --> 0:13:38.319 of blueprints for how to be a black female boss, entrepreneur, 0:13:38.840 --> 0:13:41.079 captain of your own ship. And you talk a lot 0:13:41.120 --> 0:13:43.160 about that and you break it down how it works 0:13:43.200 --> 0:13:45.760 for you and all the work that isn't involved in 0:13:45.840 --> 0:13:49.679 having your own imprint, in having your own production company 0:13:49.800 --> 0:13:52.720 and also being the guiding force of your very own career. 0:13:53.360 --> 0:13:57.280 So what are some of the things something that has 0:13:57.360 --> 0:14:00.439 helped you that you've learned on your own you didn't 0:14:00.440 --> 0:14:04.760 necessarily learn by reading about somebody else. One of the 0:14:04.800 --> 0:14:08.200 things that so I started going to therapy like a 0:14:08.240 --> 0:14:11.360 little over a year ago. And when I started going, 0:14:11.600 --> 0:14:14.120 it was just because I was during COVID. I was 0:14:14.160 --> 0:14:16.880 just like, my whole personality has just working. Now, wake up, work, 0:14:17.120 --> 0:14:18.679 go to sleep like I did. That was the only 0:14:18.679 --> 0:14:20.640 way I could cope. And I was just sort of like, oh, 0:14:20.720 --> 0:14:23.440 this is not healthy. To let me go. And one 0:14:23.440 --> 0:14:26.400 of the biggest things that I'm currently working through is 0:14:26.960 --> 0:14:28.880 I go to my therapist and I'm like, oh, you know, 0:14:29.000 --> 0:14:30.880 like we're all a family here, and I feel like 0:14:30.920 --> 0:14:32.680 the mom and blah blah blah. And she was like, 0:14:33.200 --> 0:14:35.520 y'all are not family and I was like no, but 0:14:35.600 --> 0:14:37.280 it's like a you know, like we're all like we 0:14:37.360 --> 0:14:39.640 spend time together. And she's like, you are not family, 0:14:39.680 --> 0:14:41.960 Like you need to make this professional. So one of 0:14:41.960 --> 0:14:45.840 the things that I've been working on is compassionate detachment. 0:14:46.360 --> 0:14:48.400 Is that what it's called, I think that's what it's called, 0:14:48.600 --> 0:14:53.080 where it's just me not me, just establishing boundaries and 0:14:53.160 --> 0:14:55.560 just being like I can be professional and that doesn't 0:14:55.600 --> 0:14:57.080 mean that I'm being a bit because I think I 0:14:57.120 --> 0:15:00.160 was so worried about like as a black woman. I'm like, 0:15:00.240 --> 0:15:02.720 I don't want anyone to think that I'm angry or 0:15:02.720 --> 0:15:05.120 that I'm mad at them, and so like I'm going 0:15:05.200 --> 0:15:07.600 to like go above and beyond and being like really 0:15:07.720 --> 0:15:11.240 cheery and like being super nurturing so everyone knows that 0:15:11.320 --> 0:15:15.560 I'm cool and like I'm not this horrible person. And 0:15:15.640 --> 0:15:18.240 she was just like, you need to be professional. If 0:15:18.240 --> 0:15:20.000 you're going to be a boss. You can't be here 0:15:20.040 --> 0:15:23.520 trying to be everyone's best friend making sure everyone likes you. 0:15:23.600 --> 0:15:25.720 She's like, not, everyone's gonna like you. And that's just 0:15:25.840 --> 0:15:29.440 a part of it. And you know, sometimes it is 0:15:29.600 --> 0:15:32.000 hard for me to just be like I want to 0:15:32.040 --> 0:15:34.160 fix this thing or do this thing for another person, 0:15:34.200 --> 0:15:36.720 but I have to sort of reel it back. I'm 0:15:36.880 --> 0:15:38.560 the kind of person or a friend where I'm I 0:15:38.600 --> 0:15:41.400 will bend over backwards for other people, and I have 0:15:41.480 --> 0:15:43.600 to sort of be like, you don't have to do 0:15:43.640 --> 0:15:45.840 that for every single person. You could be a little 0:15:45.880 --> 0:15:49.200 more sort of discerning about it. But it's hard because 0:15:49.200 --> 0:15:50.880 when you're I don't know if you ever felt this. 0:15:51.000 --> 0:15:52.840 I mean, you have been a boss for so long, 0:15:52.880 --> 0:15:55.600 you're like so fucking dope, But like, did you ever 0:15:55.680 --> 0:15:59.760 have those moments where you were like, I want to 0:15:59.760 --> 0:16:02.440 do X y Z, but I'm I'm afraid to do 0:16:02.440 --> 0:16:04.400 it because I'm not sure if people are gonna like 0:16:04.480 --> 0:16:07.000 me afterwards. I think it falls into the same category, 0:16:07.080 --> 0:16:09.160 Like it's just it's about people pleasing you, know what 0:16:09.240 --> 0:16:11.000 I mean, It's what you how you are in your 0:16:11.000 --> 0:16:13.040 life when you want people to like you and you 0:16:13.080 --> 0:16:15.800 want people to respect you, and that bleeds over when 0:16:15.800 --> 0:16:19.160 you do become a boss of something. You also that 0:16:19.240 --> 0:16:21.840 those characteristics are the same. Like, if you're relying on 0:16:21.880 --> 0:16:23.880 people to like you like you're you're not going to 0:16:23.920 --> 0:16:27.360 be the most efficacious boss, because that's not how it works. 0:16:27.400 --> 0:16:30.040 It's not a popularity contest. People are working for you 0:16:30.160 --> 0:16:32.800 for a reason and they have to deliver a product too. 0:16:32.960 --> 0:16:34.960 You know, there's you can be cool and you can 0:16:35.000 --> 0:16:38.440 be fun, but whenever we over extend ourselves, it's like 0:16:38.560 --> 0:16:40.320 we don't get what we want. We ended up just 0:16:40.360 --> 0:16:43.120 depleting our own energy resources. And that's something that I 0:16:43.280 --> 0:16:46.560 learned a long time ago. My my shortness or shortcoming 0:16:46.680 --> 0:16:48.960 is more that, you know, I just like I like 0:16:49.080 --> 0:16:51.040 to just funk off, you know. I like to have 0:16:51.120 --> 0:16:52.840 a lot of people around me and get very little 0:16:52.880 --> 0:16:55.000 work done. You know, I'm a bad influence in that 0:16:55.000 --> 0:16:57.880 way because I'm not really you know, professional, and so 0:16:58.040 --> 0:17:00.360 I like to just get down to business when I'm 0:17:00.400 --> 0:17:02.320 there and it's my time. But when it's you know, 0:17:02.400 --> 0:17:05.199 when everybody's around an office all day, I couldn't have 0:17:05.240 --> 0:17:07.920 probably set a worse example on how to behave because 0:17:07.920 --> 0:17:09.879 I just wanted. I wanted to have fun and I 0:17:09.920 --> 0:17:12.120 wanted everyone to have a good time. I wasn't as 0:17:12.119 --> 0:17:14.359 concerned with everybody liking me as I was concerned with 0:17:14.359 --> 0:17:17.439 everybody having a good time, um and wanting to be 0:17:17.560 --> 0:17:20.439 at that place of work, not because it ended up 0:17:20.440 --> 0:17:22.639 in a better bottom line, but because it ended up 0:17:22.640 --> 0:17:24.800 in a really fun place to be, you know, because 0:17:24.840 --> 0:17:27.720 I remember being on you know, even as far back 0:17:27.720 --> 0:17:30.040 as Chelsea Lately, like I'd be so excited to get 0:17:30.080 --> 0:17:32.200 into work, I'd go in early because it was just 0:17:32.240 --> 0:17:35.080 like one big fraternity house, you know. And then I 0:17:35.080 --> 0:17:37.120 remember doing my Netflix show a couple of years ago, 0:17:37.200 --> 0:17:39.440 and the vibe wasn't like that, it wasn't fun because 0:17:39.480 --> 0:17:41.960 I wasn't in it anymore. I was just like, how 0:17:42.080 --> 0:17:44.840 little of time can I spend at this place? You know, 0:17:45.000 --> 0:17:47.080 like I would literally go in for my hair and makeup. 0:17:47.280 --> 0:17:49.719 You approve all these ideas, go watch the edit, do 0:17:49.800 --> 0:17:52.159 that ship, but get out as quickly as possible. And 0:17:52.200 --> 0:17:54.080 that's also a bad way to behave as a boss. 0:17:54.400 --> 0:17:56.480 So I think we're always all learning, but it's your 0:17:56.520 --> 0:17:59.679 personality that drives how you are going to be in 0:17:59.680 --> 0:18:02.840 a rational environment, and it's a much different thing. And 0:18:02.880 --> 0:18:06.120 I think as a black woman, for you you will 0:18:06.119 --> 0:18:08.960 tell me, but I think it's it's even more pressure 0:18:08.960 --> 0:18:11.680 because you want to set an example and you want 0:18:11.680 --> 0:18:14.320 to be the person that people are going to respect 0:18:14.640 --> 0:18:17.679 and look to for advice and so on and so forth. 0:18:18.080 --> 0:18:21.040 That's for any woman, but especially a woman of color, 0:18:21.080 --> 0:18:24.120 there's a there's a lot more I would imagine pressure 0:18:24.160 --> 0:18:28.560 on your shoulders. Absolutely. Like one of my former assistants, 0:18:28.560 --> 0:18:31.680 she was like, I've never worked for a black person before. 0:18:31.760 --> 0:18:33.760 She was like, all my bosses have been white. Most 0:18:33.840 --> 0:18:36.520 have been like white dudes. And she's like, I'm really 0:18:36.560 --> 0:18:38.960 am sort of like curious about this new experience and 0:18:39.000 --> 0:18:41.480 it's just sort of one of those things where it's like, well, 0:18:41.520 --> 0:18:44.480