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Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome to dear Chelsea. Hello, Chelsea, I heard

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Speaker 1: that you received an award. That's very exciting. Oh my god,

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Speaker 1: I did you, guys, I won the People's Choice Award

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Speaker 1: for Best Comedy Tour for Vaccinated and Hoarding. I know,

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Speaker 1: it's so exciting. It's so exciting, and I want to

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Speaker 1: thank every single person that spent the time to vote

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Speaker 1: for me, because I would never do that. I would

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Speaker 1: never go and vote and sit there on a thing.

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Speaker 1: So I just want to say thank you for all

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Speaker 1: the people that did that. I really appreciate the love.

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Speaker 1: And this tour has been awesome. We're adding new cities.

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Speaker 1: We're adding l A. We just announced uh Mauie, Philly, Pittsburgh.

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Speaker 1: We're adding a second show in Portland, and we have

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Speaker 1: second shows up for Seattle, Winnipeg, Vancouver, Toronto, all of

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Speaker 1: those places, and we are continuing to add dates. So

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Speaker 1: make sure you go to Chelsea handler dot com to

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Speaker 1: come see the People's Choice Award winning Vaccinated at Horny Tour.

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Speaker 1: That's so I never win awards. I mean, well, I

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Speaker 1: guess I do know, yeah, I mean exactly. We'll put

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Speaker 1: that out in I don't know I'm nominated for a Grammy.

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Speaker 1: You guys, I got nominated for a Grammy for my

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Speaker 1: last special resolution for Best Comedy Album. It's O I

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Speaker 1: cannot tell you the amount of emails we got about Evolution,

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Speaker 1: Like of course it's the most recent one, but also

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Speaker 1: people mentioned your other books and your other specials, but

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Speaker 1: like this one, it's like it just touched so many

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Speaker 1: people so deeply. Oh, I love that so much. That's

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Speaker 1: so meaningful to me. Thank you. I mean, I woke up.

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Speaker 1: We were in Hawaii for Thanksgiving, Joe and me, and

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Speaker 1: then I woke up and I was like, my agent,

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Speaker 1: Heidi was like, You've been nominated for a Grammy And

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Speaker 1: I was like, I wrote back for what And she's like,

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Speaker 1: for Best Comedy Album for Evolution with HBO Max. And

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Speaker 1: I was like, Joe, I've been nominated for a Grammy

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Speaker 1: and He's like what I mean? So that was really

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Speaker 1: fucking awesome and I'm so excited. I mean, ever since

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Speaker 1: Joe Coy came into my life, it's just been raining goodness.

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Speaker 1: That's so wonderful. But it's also because you did the

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Speaker 1: work and you leveled up and like all the good

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Speaker 1: things were trickling in. Oh yeah, it feels really good.

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Speaker 1: Thank you. I'm feeling really good that I dove deep

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Speaker 1: into myself because the payoff doesn't come right away, but

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Speaker 1: you see the results when you start to see them,

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Speaker 1: you really see them. And and and yeah, it feels

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Speaker 1: good to have done all of that stuff. Yeah, that's

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Speaker 1: so good. Good, thank you. I'm very excited for today. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: we have a very special guest. This girl is well,

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Speaker 1: she's not a girl, she's a woman. But I like

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Speaker 1: to call all my female friends girls because it keeps

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Speaker 1: us young. She's a stand up comedian as well. She's

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Speaker 1: an actress, she's a producer, she's a writer, she's got

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Speaker 1: her own production company. She just came out with her

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Speaker 1: new HBO Max special which was called Sorry Harriet Tubman,

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Speaker 1: so please check that out. And her most recent book

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Speaker 1: is called Please Don't Sit on My Bed in Your

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Speaker 1: Outside Clothes. And her name is Phoebe Robinson. So welcome

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Speaker 1: Phoebe Robinson. Thank you for having me, Chelsea Handler. This

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Speaker 1: is great. I'm excited. Oh, I'm excited to see you.

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Speaker 1: I know we just met recently. Well, we've met online

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Speaker 1: on on Instagram, d m NG and stuff over the

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Speaker 1: course of some months. But I had read one of

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Speaker 1: your previous books, and you came to my show at

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Speaker 1: the Beacond recently with your lover, who you talk about

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Speaker 1: in your book Please don't sit on my bed in

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Speaker 1: your outside clothes. You talk a lot about him, and

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Speaker 1: a lot about how different you guys are from each

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Speaker 1: other and what a successful relationship you are experiencing, which

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Speaker 1: I found very inspiring and I think helpful for a

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Speaker 1: lot of people to hear about, because you guys started

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Speaker 1: out in a situation where it was a long distance

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Speaker 1: and not looking very hopeful considering his career trajectory as

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Speaker 1: well as your own. Yeah, I mean he so he

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Speaker 1: works in music, he travels all the time, and when

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Speaker 1: I met him in ten I didn't want to date,

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Speaker 1: and I certainly didn't want to date like a tour

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Speaker 1: manager for rock bands. I'm like, okay, so this guy

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Speaker 1: is gonna like cheat on me, like do whatever, like

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Speaker 1: who cares? And we just really hit it off, like

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Speaker 1: I never expected to end up with a British guy.

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Speaker 1: He's a little bit younger than me, four years younger,

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Speaker 1: which I don't even know if that really counts as anything,

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Speaker 1: but he's so great and honestly, like we do couples

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Speaker 1: therapy like once every three months, just to like I

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Speaker 1: feel like people don't want to talk about that, and

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Speaker 1: just like your relationship is just supposed to be perfect,

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Speaker 1: and it's like, no, it's not like it's two different

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Speaker 1: people who have like different thoughts, different upbringings, different everything.

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Speaker 1: It's you really have to be like all we're gonna

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Speaker 1: like constantly check in and work on each other. But

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Speaker 1: he's so amazing, he's so funny, and he's a much

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Speaker 1: better person than me. So I really hit the jack

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Speaker 1: box with him. Did you not want to date anybody

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Speaker 1: at that time in your life or were you just

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Speaker 1: to everything? So I was what about to turn thirty three,

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Speaker 1: and I was just I come out of a long

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Speaker 1: term relationship in which I thought I was going to

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Speaker 1: marry that guy and then didn't happen. What happened there,

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Speaker 1: it was just like it was so it was a

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Speaker 1: lot of things, Like I think it just sort of

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Speaker 1: like we were just growing apart differently, and like, to

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Speaker 1: be fair, in my career at the time, was not

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Speaker 1: anything to like write home about. Like I got like

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Speaker 1: a writing job on this like crappy show and few

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Speaker 1: TV that like no one watched and like the Tito

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Speaker 1: Queen's podcast is about to come out, but he felt

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Speaker 1: like a little like threatened by and I was like, dude,

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Speaker 1: it's a podcast. It doesn't mean like my life is

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Speaker 1: gonna Like I'm not like a famous person having a podcast.

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Speaker 1: I'm like a broke comic having a podcast. It's like

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Speaker 1: not the same thing. But he just sort of felt

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Speaker 1: weird about it, and he was like, I don't want

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Speaker 1: to be in your shadow, and I was like, there's

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Speaker 1: no shadow there. Look at my bank account, there is

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Speaker 1: no shadow. So I didn't work out. And then after that,

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Speaker 1: I was like so thirsty. It was so desperate. I

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Speaker 1: was like I need to find a new boyfriend. And

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Speaker 1: then I got to a point where I was just like, girl,

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Speaker 1: why are you so desperate to like being another relationship.

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Speaker 1: So I was like, Okay, I'm just gonna take the

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Speaker 1: next year to be by myself, figure out what who

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Speaker 1: I am in my thirties now because I started dating

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Speaker 1: this guy when I was in my twenties and just

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Speaker 1: really sort of figure out like what do I want

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Speaker 1: the next ten years of my life to be? And

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Speaker 1: of course I mean my boyfriend. Like three months after

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Speaker 1: I made that declaration here we are and here you are, guys,

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Speaker 1: and and he and your your schedules aren't easy to

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Speaker 1: work around. I mean, if it hadn't been for COVID,

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Speaker 1: you guys wouldn't have been forced to spend that much

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Speaker 1: time together. Yeah, in I would say we probably spent

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Speaker 1: like thirty five thirty six weeks apart. Like it's just

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Speaker 1: it's tough, you know, like you travel all the time

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Speaker 1: and it's a grind. And so then with COVID and everything,

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Speaker 1: we really had to like be around each other all

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Speaker 1: day every day. And I love him and he loves me.

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Speaker 1: But I think I'm a person who really needs their

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Speaker 1: alone time to sort of like disn't work on myself.

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Speaker 1: So I read this book called Quiet by Susan Caine,

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Speaker 1: which is amazing and talked about like introverse extroverts, and

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Speaker 1: I'm an ambiverse, I'm accommodation both. So when I'm around

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Speaker 1: a lot of people, like I get my energies range,

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Speaker 1: so I really need just like holl away for a

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Speaker 1: while and they come back out. And so he was

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Speaker 1: just like, oh, this is great. I could be around

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Speaker 1: you like all the time. And I was like, I

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Speaker 1: don't think I feel that way about anyone. That's how

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Speaker 1: I am. I can relate to that a lot. I'm

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Speaker 1: anna hamb avert, but I also can relate to I

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Speaker 1: feel sucked dry when I you know, when I perform,

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Speaker 1: if I have shows, like the next day, I need

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Speaker 1: to be alone in my bed. It's not out and about.

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Speaker 1: It's like if it's a big energy suck for me,

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Speaker 1: which is something I didn't recognize earlier on in my life,

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Speaker 1: which is why I would, you know, my battery would

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Speaker 1: run out so frequently, because I wasn't mindful of the

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Speaker 1: fact that how much you're expending versus how much you

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Speaker 1: know and other people who don't feel this way. If

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Speaker 1: you're listening, it's like it's a performance thing for sure,

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Speaker 1: if you're a performer. And you know, I tried to

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Speaker 1: explain to my girlfriends all the time, like if I

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Speaker 1: go to a dinner and I feel like it's it's

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Speaker 1: expected of me to be entertaining, it's expected of me

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Speaker 1: to be the life of the party, and you know,

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Speaker 1: I when I explained that to my girlfriend sometimes when

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Speaker 1: I'm like, I don't want to go to this thing

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Speaker 1: because I feel the onus, She'll be like, but no

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Speaker 1: one's expecting that from you. I'm like, it doesn't matter

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Speaker 1: if you say that or not. I'm expecting it from me.

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Speaker 1: You know, it's my condition. So I have to dismantle

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Speaker 1: that from my own behavioral you know behavior. It's hard

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Speaker 1: because you're you're a really funny person. So everyone is

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Speaker 1: going to be like, oh, I was at this event

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Speaker 1: and Chelsea healing, and she was really funny, you know,

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Speaker 1: like you just you just know that people are thinking

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Speaker 1: that even if they're not saying it. Let's just be real.

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Speaker 1: So how did it work? So tell us a little

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Speaker 1: bit how you acclimated to spending all that one on

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Speaker 1: one time with him. Her partner is a tour manager,

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Speaker 1: and he wants to do that for the you know,

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Speaker 1: for the next ten years of his life, right or now.

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Speaker 1: He's like, I think, I think he wants to do

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Speaker 1: one more tour in that he's done. It's like, I

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Speaker 1: want to be home. That's more reasonable. So but with that,

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Speaker 1: those expectations were not that you would ever be in

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Speaker 1: the same city for more than a you know, a

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Speaker 1: twenty four hour thirty six hour period unless it was

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Speaker 1: a holiday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we went from like

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Speaker 1: that where it's like everything feels romantic and it feels

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Speaker 1: like a vacation because it's just three days together, so

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Speaker 1: everyone's in their best behavior. And then it's just like

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Speaker 1: we're quarantining together. It's like, I'm a gassy person. I

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Speaker 1: want to let it rip. I want my alone time.

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Speaker 1: He wants to, you know, play video games with his

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Speaker 1: friends over in the UK, and we were quarantining a

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Speaker 1: two bedroom apartment, which is a great size, but in

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Speaker 1: New York that's kind of tight. There's no balcony, so

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Speaker 1: it was just we were constantly around each other. So

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Speaker 1: there are moments where I just had to be like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: I need my alone time, and so I would just

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Speaker 1: go into a room with a cup of tea and

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Speaker 1: just like read a book or scroll on my phone

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Speaker 1: or watch like Sex in the City in the bath

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Speaker 1: and just like have that little bit of time apart.

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Speaker 1: But it was definitely it was definitely hard, and we

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Speaker 1: had to sort of figure out our rhythm because I like, um,

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Speaker 1: I didn't really know this is about me, but I

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Speaker 1: like kind of a quiet home. And he would like

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Speaker 1: wake up at like eight in the morning and put

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Speaker 1: on like Band of Brothers, like he loves War were

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Speaker 1: two movies, and so would just be fucking machine gun

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Speaker 1: firing for like an hour. I'm like, I'm on a zoom.

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Speaker 1: I just I was like, you need to turn this

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Speaker 1: ship held down. So it was a lot of that,

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Speaker 1: but we we figured out. But definitely we had to

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Speaker 1: be like, Okay, I need this, I need this. You're cranky.

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Speaker 1: You can't be cranky like this much because we're around

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Speaker 1: each other all the time. And I was like, all right, yeah,

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Speaker 1: i mean, if my boyfriend wakes up with a loud voice,

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Speaker 1: I'm like, shut the funk up. I'm like morning voice,

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Speaker 1: morning voices. You know, I don't like loud volumes in

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Speaker 1: the morning. I don't either, it's too much. I'm like,

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Speaker 1: I'm like, there's no reason you need to talk to

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Speaker 1: me before eleven am, which I realized is kind of extreme.

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Speaker 1: So I like dial to back, yeah, and video games

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Speaker 1: and sports to me, video game. The sound of video

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Speaker 1: games and the sound of sporting events in the background

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Speaker 1: makes my vagina close up. I'm just I cannot fucking

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Speaker 1: handle constant a sports announcement on in the background. It

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Speaker 1: just reminds me of everything about my childhood that was depressing.

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Speaker 1: About a Sunday so day football games, having to go

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Speaker 1: back to school and having everyone just sit like a

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Speaker 1: bunch of couch potatoes on the couch watching football all

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Speaker 1: fucking day long. So that's why I don't like sports. Everybody,

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Speaker 1: have you ever been to a Formula one race? He

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Speaker 1: got me into Formula one and it's so fun. I

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Speaker 1: bet I could. I could get into it, I could

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Speaker 1: get into a specific natue, I could. I How many

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Speaker 1: times have you been to one of those? When two

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Speaker 1: weekends ago in Austin there was like a hundred and

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Speaker 1: forty thousand people there, so we of course got tested

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Speaker 1: when we came back because I was fucking wild. But

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Speaker 1: I was never really into the sport. I was like, oh,

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Speaker 1: I like Louis Hamilton's he's hot, he's black, a one

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Speaker 1: whim and then he would always like watch it every

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Speaker 1: Sunday and I would just fall asleep to the race

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Speaker 1: because like the car into like really good a SMR.

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Speaker 1: And then we went to actual race and got to

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Speaker 1: see everyone. I was really impressed, and I was like, oh, shoot,

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Speaker 1: this is a really hard sport and I'm super into

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Speaker 1: it now. And what is a SMR stand for? Just

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Speaker 1: like it's a soothing sound like just here, like oh,

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Speaker 1: and then I would just like, we'll asleep to that

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Speaker 1: on Sundays. Yeah, okay, that's like me putting on my

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Speaker 1: rain machine at night, a machine to drown out Joe

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Speaker 1: Koi's seapap machine because he has sleep at me. So

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Speaker 1: he goes into a submarine every night. He has to

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Speaker 1: put this mouth guard over his mouth and turn it on,

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Speaker 1: and it sounds like a very low level storm, and

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Speaker 1: so then I have to up that so that I'm

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Speaker 1: not listening to that, and I put on my little

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Speaker 1: rain app which is like thunderstorm or you know, hurricane

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Speaker 1: whatever you're interested in listening to. But is there any

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Speaker 1: cure for sleep apnea? Yeah, well you could get surgery.

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Speaker 1: He has a special kind. We're gonna go to the

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Speaker 1: doctor together when we get home to l A, because

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Speaker 1: I need to talk to his doctor directly since I'm

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Speaker 1: also a medical professional. But he claims that he has

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Speaker 1: the type of sleep apnea that there's nothing he can

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Speaker 1: do anything about. You can get surgery, but it requires

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Speaker 1: your mouth being wired shuck for like two to three weeks.

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Speaker 1: So you know, obviously people aren't app to get that.

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Speaker 1: Men will be barely even use that fucking machine because

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Speaker 1: they're just like, oh no, you know, it's a weakness,

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Speaker 1: but like without it, he couldn't sleep, and you're just

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Speaker 1: you know, with that when someone has bad sleep apnea,

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Speaker 1: if you if you've ever been with anyone who's had it,

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Speaker 1: it sounds like somebody is dying right next to you

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Speaker 1: because they lose their breath and then they wake themselves

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Speaker 1: up because they're they're they're choking, so it's like like you,

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Speaker 1: their stomach goes in in and then it's a gasp.

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Speaker 1: So it's very un you know, it's not very cooperative.

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Speaker 1: So you definitely need to use a c PAP machine

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Speaker 1: because then he sleeps like a baby, and that's what

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Speaker 1: I wanted to do, is sleep like a baby. In

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Speaker 1: your book, also you talk a lot about which I

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Speaker 1: think is is really critical because there aren't a lot

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Speaker 1: of blueprints for how to be a black female boss, entrepreneur,

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Speaker 1: captain of your own ship. And you talk a lot

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Speaker 1: about that and you break it down how it works

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Speaker 1: for you and all the work that isn't involved in

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Speaker 1: having your own imprint, in having your own production company

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Speaker 1: and also being the guiding force of your very own career.

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Speaker 1: So what are some of the things something that has

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Speaker 1: helped you that you've learned on your own you didn't

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Speaker 1: necessarily learn by reading about somebody else. One of the

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Speaker 1: things that so I started going to therapy like a

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Speaker 1: little over a year ago. And when I started going,

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Speaker 1: it was just because I was during COVID. I was

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Speaker 1: just like, my whole personality has just working. Now, wake up, work,

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Speaker 1: go to sleep like I did. That was the only

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Speaker 1: way I could cope. And I was just sort of like, oh,

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Speaker 1: this is not healthy. To let me go. And one

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Speaker 1: of the biggest things that I'm currently working through is

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Speaker 1: I go to my therapist and I'm like, oh, you know,

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Speaker 1: like we're all a family here, and I feel like

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Speaker 1: the mom and blah blah blah. And she was like,

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Speaker 1: y'all are not family and I was like no, but

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Speaker 1: it's like a you know, like we're all like we

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Speaker 1: spend time together. And she's like, you are not family,

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Speaker 1: Like you need to make this professional. So one of

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Speaker 1: the things that I've been working on is compassionate detachment.

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Speaker 1: Is that what it's called, I think that's what it's called,

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Speaker 1: where it's just me not me, just establishing boundaries and

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Speaker 1: just being like I can be professional and that doesn't

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Speaker 1: mean that I'm being a bit because I think I

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Speaker 1: was so worried about like as a black woman. I'm like,

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Speaker 1: I don't want anyone to think that I'm angry or

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Speaker 1: that I'm mad at them, and so like I'm going

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Speaker 1: to like go above and beyond and being like really

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Speaker 1: cheery and like being super nurturing so everyone knows that

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Speaker 1: I'm cool and like I'm not this horrible person. And

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Speaker 1: she was just like, you need to be professional. If

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Speaker 1: you're going to be a boss. You can't be here

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Speaker 1: trying to be everyone's best friend making sure everyone likes you.

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Speaker 1: She's like, not, everyone's gonna like you. And that's just

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Speaker 1: a part of it. And you know, sometimes it is

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Speaker 1: hard for me to just be like I want to

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Speaker 1: fix this thing or do this thing for another person,

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Speaker 1: but I have to sort of reel it back. I'm

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Speaker 1: the kind of person or a friend where I'm I

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Speaker 1: will bend over backwards for other people, and I have

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Speaker 1: to sort of be like, you don't have to do

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Speaker 1: that for every single person. You could be a little

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Speaker 1: more sort of discerning about it. But it's hard because

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Speaker 1: when you're I don't know if you ever felt this.

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Speaker 1: I mean, you have been a boss for so long,

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Speaker 1: you're like so fucking dope, But like, did you ever

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Speaker 1: have those moments where you were like, I want to

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Speaker 1: do X y Z, but I'm I'm afraid to do

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Speaker 1: it because I'm not sure if people are gonna like

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Speaker 1: me afterwards. I think it falls into the same category,

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Speaker 1: Like it's just it's about people pleasing you, know what

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Speaker 1: I mean, It's what you how you are in your

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Speaker 1: life when you want people to like you and you

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Speaker 1: want people to respect you, and that bleeds over when

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Speaker 1: you do become a boss of something. You also that

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Speaker 1: those characteristics are the same. Like, if you're relying on

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Speaker 1: people to like you like you're you're not going to

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Speaker 1: be the most efficacious boss, because that's not how it works.

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Speaker 1: It's not a popularity contest. People are working for you

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Speaker 1: for a reason and they have to deliver a product too.

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Speaker 1: You know, there's you can be cool and you can

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Speaker 1: be fun, but whenever we over extend ourselves, it's like

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Speaker 1: we don't get what we want. We ended up just

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Speaker 1: depleting our own energy resources. And that's something that I

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Speaker 1: learned a long time ago. My my shortness or shortcoming

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Speaker 1: is more that, you know, I just like I like

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Speaker 1: to just funk off, you know. I like to have

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Speaker 1: a lot of people around me and get very little

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Speaker 1: work done. You know, I'm a bad influence in that

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Speaker 1: way because I'm not really you know, professional, and so

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Speaker 1: I like to just get down to business when I'm

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Speaker 1: there and it's my time. But when it's you know,

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Speaker 1: when everybody's around an office all day, I couldn't have

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Speaker 1: probably set a worse example on how to behave because

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Speaker 1: I just wanted. I wanted to have fun and I

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Speaker 1: wanted everyone to have a good time. I wasn't as

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Speaker 1: concerned with everybody liking me as I was concerned with

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Speaker 1: everybody having a good time, um and wanting to be

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Speaker 1: at that place of work, not because it ended up

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Speaker 1: in a better bottom line, but because it ended up

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Speaker 1: in a really fun place to be, you know, because

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Speaker 1: I remember being on you know, even as far back

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Speaker 1: as Chelsea Lately, like I'd be so excited to get

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Speaker 1: into work, I'd go in early because it was just

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Speaker 1: like one big fraternity house, you know. And then I

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Speaker 1: remember doing my Netflix show a couple of years ago,

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Speaker 1: and the vibe wasn't like that, it wasn't fun because

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Speaker 1: I wasn't in it anymore. I was just like, how

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Speaker 1: little of time can I spend at this place? You know,

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Speaker 1: like I would literally go in for my hair and makeup.

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Speaker 1: You approve all these ideas, go watch the edit, do

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Speaker 1: that ship, but get out as quickly as possible. And

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Speaker 1: that's also a bad way to behave as a boss.

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Speaker 1: So I think we're always all learning, but it's your

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Speaker 1: personality that drives how you are going to be in

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Speaker 1: a rational environment, and it's a much different thing. And

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Speaker 1: I think as a black woman, for you you will

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Speaker 1: tell me, but I think it's it's even more pressure

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Speaker 1: because you want to set an example and you want

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Speaker 1: to be the person that people are going to respect

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Speaker 1: and look to for advice and so on and so forth.

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Speaker 1: That's for any woman, but especially a woman of color,

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Speaker 1: there's a there's a lot more I would imagine pressure

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Speaker 1: on your shoulders. Absolutely. Like one of my former assistants,

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Speaker 1: she was like, I've never worked for a black person before.

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Speaker 1: She was like, all my bosses have been white. Most

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Speaker 1: have been like white dudes. And she's like, I'm really

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Speaker 1: am sort of like curious about this new experience and

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Speaker 1: it's just sort of one of those things where it's like, well,

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Speaker 1: now there's this weird sort of pressure that I have

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Speaker 1: to sort of like represent or behave in a certain way,

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Speaker 1: you know what I mean. It's just the cold get

404
00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:50,439
Speaker 1: tricky at times. It's like I just want to do

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Speaker 1: the job, and I just want to be able to

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Speaker 1: sort of like say what I need to say and

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Speaker 1: not worry like, oh, is this not making the environment

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Speaker 1: not fun? Or oh is this like me being boss

409
00:19:00,359 --> 00:19:02,360
Speaker 1: in a way that's not going to make people feel good?

410
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Speaker 1: But I just am getting to a place where I

411
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:08,919
Speaker 1: have to sort of trust myself and go, you know what,

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Speaker 1: I don't need to second and guess myself. I know

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Speaker 1: what I'm doing and I'm paying the bills, and I

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Speaker 1: should be allowed to express my opinions because of that,

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Speaker 1: and also be open to people's feedback, right, Like that's

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Speaker 1: that's really the best you can do is to hear

417
00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:26,760
Speaker 1: when somebody's telling you something, or something rubs somebody the

418
00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:28,880
Speaker 1: wrong way, then of course then you should be there

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Speaker 1: for that. You should always be open to hearing feedback

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Speaker 1: and making adjustments. Right, Because none of us are fully cooked,

421
00:19:34,480 --> 00:19:37,280
Speaker 1: and none of us are done growing or evolving or

422
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Speaker 1: understanding our power. But the most important thing to do

423
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Speaker 1: is to trust your instincts and is to operate from

424
00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:46,000
Speaker 1: you know, the source of your power. Who are you?

425
00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:48,080
Speaker 1: Why is your personality strong? How did you You're the

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Speaker 1: reason you got here in the first place. Right, You're

427
00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:52,400
Speaker 1: the reason you're in this position. So all of that

428
00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:55,320
Speaker 1: data is backed up by the virtue of you having

429
00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:58,160
Speaker 1: this opportunity. And that's something that I think women forget

430
00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:01,040
Speaker 1: a lot, and they have to remember. You know, you're

431
00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:03,640
Speaker 1: in the position. You're in because of you, not because

432
00:20:03,640 --> 00:20:07,920
Speaker 1: somebody did you a favor. Oh, there we go that.

433
00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:13,600
Speaker 1: And on that note, Katherine, should we take some callers? Absolutely, Now,

434
00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:15,600
Speaker 1: let's take a quick break and we'll come back and

435
00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:18,200
Speaker 1: get to some callers. We'll be right back. Well, we'll

436
00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:25,199
Speaker 1: be right back. Okay, welcome back everybody. So we're here

437
00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:28,120
Speaker 1: with Phoebe Robinson and Catherine and we're going to take

438
00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:31,080
Speaker 1: some callers or some write ins. You know that. I'm

439
00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:33,399
Speaker 1: always confused about how this podcast works. I don't know

440
00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:36,440
Speaker 1: if people are alive or if they're writing. But Catherine's

441
00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:39,080
Speaker 1: in charge of that, so I abdicate all of my

442
00:20:39,119 --> 00:20:41,719
Speaker 1: responsibilities to her. It's I was a fun surprise for you.

443
00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:45,800
Speaker 1: So our first email, just an email, comes from Kayla.

444
00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:48,680
Speaker 1: She says, Dear Chelsea, I'm a twenty eight year old

445
00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:51,640
Speaker 1: heterosexual woman. For as long as I can remember, I've

446
00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:53,880
Speaker 1: known that I do not want to change my last

447
00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:57,160
Speaker 1: name if and when I get married. I strongly identify

448
00:20:57,240 --> 00:20:59,880
Speaker 1: with my father's side of the family and feel connected

449
00:21:00,080 --> 00:21:02,919
Speaker 1: to my maiden name. On top of this connection, the

450
00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:06,159
Speaker 1: tradition of changing a woman's name is so deeply rooted

451
00:21:06,160 --> 00:21:08,119
Speaker 1: in the patriarchy that I struggled to think of it

452
00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:11,280
Speaker 1: outside this framing, and not for nothing. It's also a

453
00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:13,840
Speaker 1: pain in the ass to legally change your name. My

454
00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:16,840
Speaker 1: question is when's the right time to tell my current

455
00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:19,480
Speaker 1: boyfriend that I don't want to change my name. We've

456
00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:21,800
Speaker 1: been together for a few months, and I could definitely

457
00:21:21,840 --> 00:21:24,840
Speaker 1: see myself marrying him if our relationship continues to grow

458
00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:27,199
Speaker 1: as it has been so far. I know that he

459
00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:29,399
Speaker 1: feels the same way, but I worry that if I

460
00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:31,639
Speaker 1: bring it up too soon, it'll freak him out or

461
00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:34,119
Speaker 1: make him think I'm looking for a proposal a SAP,

462
00:21:34,280 --> 00:21:37,480
Speaker 1: which I'm not. In my last relationship, I told my

463
00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:40,199
Speaker 1: ex at about seven months of dating It came up

464
00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:43,120
Speaker 1: pretty naturally in conversation, and I didn't think twice about

465
00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:45,919
Speaker 1: telling him at the time, but he was very upset

466
00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:47,959
Speaker 1: and told me he felt that I had been hiding

467
00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:51,800
Speaker 1: something from him by waiting so long to tell him.

468
00:21:51,840 --> 00:21:54,240
Speaker 1: I would like to avoid a repeat of that scenario,

469
00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:56,240
Speaker 1: but I don't want to freak out my current partner

470
00:21:56,280 --> 00:21:59,240
Speaker 1: by telling him too soon. So when's the right time?

471
00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:04,920
Speaker 1: Best Hala, Oh, it's Kayla on the phone. She's not

472
00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:06,480
Speaker 1: she's not. But I think this would be such a

473
00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:08,760
Speaker 1: good one for you to talk about with with Phoebe,

474
00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:13,000
Speaker 1: because that's like right up for ally Phoebe. Yeah, I'm

475
00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:15,800
Speaker 1: not changing my last name. I I told my boyfriend

476
00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:18,320
Speaker 1: maybe like a year and I was like, I will

477
00:22:18,359 --> 00:22:20,480
Speaker 1: never change my last name for a man, and he

478
00:22:20,560 --> 00:22:24,439
Speaker 1: was like, okay, I mean I I even have a problem,

479
00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:27,399
Speaker 1: you know. I struggled with this, like with the concept

480
00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:30,000
Speaker 1: of marriage, because I just think it's such a construct

481
00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:32,960
Speaker 1: created by men to control women. So even the construct

482
00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:35,919
Speaker 1: of marriage is I have I just bristle at it

483
00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:38,159
Speaker 1: because of course I want to marry my boyfriend. I

484
00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:40,560
Speaker 1: because it's important to him, and I love him and

485
00:22:40,560 --> 00:22:42,680
Speaker 1: and he's worth marrying, but like, I don't want to

486
00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:44,680
Speaker 1: be a married woman, you know what I mean, I

487
00:22:44,720 --> 00:22:47,560
Speaker 1: don't want to be somebody who's married because I feel

488
00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:51,399
Speaker 1: a responsibility to not get married to say, like, you

489
00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:54,320
Speaker 1: can achieve all of this without the without that, but

490
00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:58,479
Speaker 1: that that personal feelings about marriage aside. It's not an

491
00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:01,040
Speaker 1: uncommon thing to keep your maiden name, to keep your

492
00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:05,240
Speaker 1: birth name, your father's name, whatever. So your ex boyfriend

493
00:23:05,280 --> 00:23:08,560
Speaker 1: sounds like an idiot, so to disregard him, and I

494
00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:10,640
Speaker 1: just think the natural time to bring it up, isn't

495
00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:13,160
Speaker 1: that the next time marriage comes up in the conversation

496
00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:17,239
Speaker 1: in a very warm, calm, you know, loving way, Like

497
00:23:17,359 --> 00:23:19,920
Speaker 1: just so you know, my father's name means so much

498
00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:22,760
Speaker 1: to me that I would never feel comfortable changing my name.

499
00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:25,560
Speaker 1: It has nothing to do with our relationship. In fact,

500
00:23:25,640 --> 00:23:27,480
Speaker 1: I really have thought about this because I want to

501
00:23:27,520 --> 00:23:30,280
Speaker 1: marry you so much or whatever. You know. Your version

502
00:23:30,280 --> 00:23:31,840
Speaker 1: of that is because it sounds like you do want

503
00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:34,520
Speaker 1: to marry him, and you said you did that. You know.

504
00:23:34,640 --> 00:23:38,680
Speaker 1: It's just it's a totally reasonable, acceptable thing to say

505
00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:41,920
Speaker 1: to somebody, and you don't have to bring it up prematurely.

506
00:23:42,040 --> 00:23:44,080
Speaker 1: Just wait until the time is right. I think we

507
00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:46,199
Speaker 1: always have these ideas in our head that we have

508
00:23:46,280 --> 00:23:49,639
Speaker 1: to have these conversations, like when when just because you

509
00:23:49,720 --> 00:23:52,440
Speaker 1: thought of it doesn't mean it needs to happen right away.

510
00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:56,760
Speaker 1: And I feel you could also sort of test the waters.

511
00:23:56,800 --> 00:23:59,000
Speaker 1: If you're still kind of scared, you can maybe just

512
00:23:59,040 --> 00:24:02,920
Speaker 1: talk about others s of like relationship things are kind

513
00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:05,399
Speaker 1: of like milestones for you guys, just to see if

514
00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:07,359
Speaker 1: he's even on the same page as you in terms

515
00:24:07,359 --> 00:24:10,480
Speaker 1: of seeing this as a long term relationship. But definitely

516
00:24:10,520 --> 00:24:12,960
Speaker 1: don't shy away from it. Like, like Chelsea said, it's

517
00:24:12,960 --> 00:24:15,439
Speaker 1: not an uncommon thing to keep your maiden name, and

518
00:24:15,480 --> 00:24:18,080
Speaker 1: if it means that much to you, he will respect that.

519
00:24:18,119 --> 00:24:19,880
Speaker 1: If he doesn't respect that, then he's out the door

520
00:24:20,200 --> 00:24:22,880
Speaker 1: straight out exactly. If he doesn't respect that, then there's

521
00:24:22,960 --> 00:24:25,080
Speaker 1: no question there, you know, Like what he's going to

522
00:24:25,200 --> 00:24:26,760
Speaker 1: force you to change your name, that's the man you're

523
00:24:26,760 --> 00:24:30,040
Speaker 1: gonna marry. I doubt it. What was your boyfriend's reaction

524
00:24:30,080 --> 00:24:32,959
Speaker 1: when you told him that he was totally fine with it?

525
00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:35,639
Speaker 1: Like he doesn't like, we're in the we don't want

526
00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:39,000
Speaker 1: to have kids sort of thing, and I don't know,

527
00:24:39,119 --> 00:24:42,600
Speaker 1: we just sort of wanna live life in a our

528
00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:45,760
Speaker 1: own sort of way, and we were talking about getting married.

529
00:24:46,359 --> 00:24:48,119
Speaker 1: He was like, oh, I'm gonna ask your father for

530
00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:50,760
Speaker 1: your hand in marriage, and I was like, what's Like,

531
00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:53,360
Speaker 1: who cares? And then he was like, I think your

532
00:24:53,440 --> 00:24:55,840
Speaker 1: dad will care. So I just I'm going to do

533
00:24:55,880 --> 00:24:58,040
Speaker 1: it for your dad and no, it doesn't mean anything

534
00:24:58,080 --> 00:25:00,360
Speaker 1: to you, but he's like, it would be a nice

535
00:25:00,359 --> 00:25:01,520
Speaker 1: thing to do for your dad. And I was like

536
00:25:01,560 --> 00:25:04,000
Speaker 1: all right, but I'm We're going back and forth about

537
00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:06,119
Speaker 1: it where I'm just sort of like I don't know,

538
00:25:06,240 --> 00:25:08,720
Speaker 1: Like I don't want to wear white. I'm thirty seven.

539
00:25:08,760 --> 00:25:10,920
Speaker 1: I don't want to wear white and walk down I'm

540
00:25:10,920 --> 00:25:12,280
Speaker 1: being a churl, Like I just don't want to do

541
00:25:12,280 --> 00:25:13,960
Speaker 1: any of that. So we're trying to figure out like

542
00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:16,160
Speaker 1: do we just want to do like a backyard thing,

543
00:25:16,359 --> 00:25:19,000
Speaker 1: Like I don't know, I just wanted to feel, like

544
00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:21,560
Speaker 1: you said, not like the patriarchy, just sort of like

545
00:25:21,760 --> 00:25:24,560
Speaker 1: I love this person and that's it. And also just

546
00:25:24,600 --> 00:25:28,879
Speaker 1: the wedding industry that the capitalistic nonsense of. Like I

547
00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:31,240
Speaker 1: said to Joe, I'm like, listen, we can talk about

548
00:25:31,240 --> 00:25:33,359
Speaker 1: being married, but like I'm not walking around with a

549
00:25:33,440 --> 00:25:36,280
Speaker 1: rock on my finger, like that is embarrassing for me,

550
00:25:36,400 --> 00:25:39,359
Speaker 1: and I'm never going to participate in that way. You know,

551
00:25:39,440 --> 00:25:41,439
Speaker 1: It's got to be something low key and it's not

552
00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:43,560
Speaker 1: going to be like an engagement ring. I don't want

553
00:25:43,560 --> 00:25:45,800
Speaker 1: you getting on your knee, which he would totally do

554
00:25:46,280 --> 00:25:48,720
Speaker 1: and all of the things. But yeah, all of a sudden,

555
00:25:48,760 --> 00:25:52,280
Speaker 1: I feel the pressure of like, just this idea, because

556
00:25:52,320 --> 00:25:54,560
Speaker 1: that's the next step. That's the way you demonstrate the

557
00:25:54,600 --> 00:25:56,199
Speaker 1: most love. And it's like, well, then what do we

558
00:25:56,200 --> 00:25:59,640
Speaker 1: do after we're married? You know? An I guess, but

559
00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:04,199
Speaker 1: you got you know what I did it anal on

560
00:26:04,280 --> 00:26:07,440
Speaker 1: the first date with my boyfriend. Really, that's the way.

561
00:26:08,480 --> 00:26:11,720
Speaker 1: It's just like, listen, who cares. I think people are

562
00:26:11,800 --> 00:26:13,920
Speaker 1: getting warming up to anal a lot more than they

563
00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:17,160
Speaker 1: used to, because it's just another orifice that you should

564
00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:20,080
Speaker 1: be you know, using why not why as they say

565
00:26:20,119 --> 00:26:25,480
Speaker 1: in Espana, know exactly. Okay, Well I hope that helps you. Yeah,

566
00:26:25,600 --> 00:26:28,359
Speaker 1: let us know what happened, follow up with us, and yeah,

567
00:26:28,560 --> 00:26:31,359
Speaker 1: you hold onto your maiden name. That's yours, and that's yours,

568
00:26:31,400 --> 00:26:35,160
Speaker 1: that's your family, and that's your history, so stick with it. Yep,

569
00:26:35,480 --> 00:26:38,960
Speaker 1: problem solved. It sounds like to me. It sounds like

570
00:26:39,000 --> 00:26:42,479
Speaker 1: a so Our next question comes from Sarah. We have

571
00:26:42,600 --> 00:26:46,159
Speaker 1: her on the line. She works at a community center

572
00:26:46,359 --> 00:26:50,280
Speaker 1: and her boyfriend is in tech. Dear Chelsea, I feel

573
00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:53,080
Speaker 1: like my relationship is in a constant power struggle due

574
00:26:53,119 --> 00:26:55,920
Speaker 1: to my boyfriend making significantly more money than I do.

575
00:26:56,480 --> 00:26:59,920
Speaker 1: We split almost every monthly bill, including mortgage and groceries,

576
00:27:00,200 --> 00:27:03,120
Speaker 1: but the expensive things like the house, the furniture, the TV,

577
00:27:03,320 --> 00:27:06,400
Speaker 1: and many flights and hotels are all paid for by him.

578
00:27:06,400 --> 00:27:08,879
Speaker 1: In theory, that would be fine, but there are times

579
00:27:08,920 --> 00:27:11,440
Speaker 1: he uses it against me. He'll say that he pays

580
00:27:11,480 --> 00:27:13,600
Speaker 1: for more stuff and makes it seem like that's a

581
00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:17,280
Speaker 1: valid reason for him to make more decisions. We aren't married,

582
00:27:17,280 --> 00:27:19,560
Speaker 1: but lived together and have been dating for four years.

583
00:27:19,880 --> 00:27:22,120
Speaker 1: I want to be in an equal partnership, but find

584
00:27:22,119 --> 00:27:24,280
Speaker 1: it difficult when he is the one who can afford

585
00:27:24,320 --> 00:27:27,520
Speaker 1: everything and therefore calls a lot of the shots. I

586
00:27:27,560 --> 00:27:29,840
Speaker 1: do think he should pay for more because he makes

587
00:27:29,840 --> 00:27:31,960
Speaker 1: so much more money, but I also want to be

588
00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:34,359
Speaker 1: equitable and have just as many choices in what we

589
00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:36,680
Speaker 1: do with our life together. Are we doomed to fight

590
00:27:36,680 --> 00:27:44,440
Speaker 1: about money forever? Sarah Hi, Sarah Hi, Hi, This is

591
00:27:44,520 --> 00:27:49,680
Speaker 1: Phoebe too, so get a little bit more specific. Does

592
00:27:49,680 --> 00:27:52,639
Speaker 1: he kind of hold it over your head? No, I

593
00:27:52,640 --> 00:27:55,240
Speaker 1: wouldn't say that. I know it kind of sounds like that,

594
00:27:55,320 --> 00:27:59,560
Speaker 1: but I think it's more just like specifically financial decisions,

595
00:27:59,640 --> 00:28:02,560
Speaker 1: likes about like what we buy like in our house

596
00:28:02,680 --> 00:28:06,240
Speaker 1: and strictly financial stuff really that he's like, well if

597
00:28:06,240 --> 00:28:09,639
Speaker 1: I'm paying for of it, Like I think he thinks

598
00:28:09,760 --> 00:28:14,159
Speaker 1: his voke sort of holds more weight, you know, Okay,

599
00:28:14,240 --> 00:28:18,080
Speaker 1: And you don't feel that way obviously, Yeah, I mean

600
00:28:18,640 --> 00:28:20,880
Speaker 1: I feel like I kind of have to argue for

601
00:28:21,160 --> 00:28:23,600
Speaker 1: things that I want, like I really need like a

602
00:28:23,640 --> 00:28:25,920
Speaker 1: new dishwasher, and he's like, no, we don't. It works fine,

603
00:28:25,960 --> 00:28:27,520
Speaker 1: we don't need one. Like I have to kind of

604
00:28:27,560 --> 00:28:30,639
Speaker 1: fight for like all of those types of things, and

605
00:28:30,680 --> 00:28:32,040
Speaker 1: it sort of makes me feel like I don't have

606
00:28:32,080 --> 00:28:34,240
Speaker 1: as much of a voice, I guess when it comes

607
00:28:34,240 --> 00:28:36,679
Speaker 1: to that kind of stuff. And even though I'm probably

608
00:28:36,720 --> 00:28:38,480
Speaker 1: never going to make as much money as he does,

609
00:28:38,960 --> 00:28:41,600
Speaker 1: I still just want to feel like it's fifty fifty

610
00:28:41,600 --> 00:28:44,120
Speaker 1: with the stuff that we do together, the things that

611
00:28:44,160 --> 00:28:45,840
Speaker 1: are in our house. I don't want it to feel

612
00:28:45,880 --> 00:28:48,120
Speaker 1: like it's his house and I'm living in it, you

613
00:28:48,120 --> 00:28:51,440
Speaker 1: know what I mean, absolutely shouldn't feel that way because

614
00:28:51,440 --> 00:28:54,680
Speaker 1: it's a partnership. You're in a partnership, and however much

615
00:28:54,720 --> 00:28:57,440
Speaker 1: money one person makes isn't what a partnership is about.

616
00:28:57,960 --> 00:29:00,800
Speaker 1: So him holding the kind of persetings in that way

617
00:29:01,400 --> 00:29:04,520
Speaker 1: isn't hot or sexy, and you will only build resentment

618
00:29:04,600 --> 00:29:07,120
Speaker 1: over that over a course of a long relationship. I

619
00:29:07,200 --> 00:29:10,120
Speaker 1: just had this conversation with a woman three weeks ago,

620
00:29:10,200 --> 00:29:12,200
Speaker 1: and she was just like, my husband made all the

621
00:29:12,240 --> 00:29:15,080
Speaker 1: decisions in our marriage because he made all the money

622
00:29:15,320 --> 00:29:17,040
Speaker 1: and I had never had to say in anything, and

623
00:29:17,040 --> 00:29:18,920
Speaker 1: she's sick of it, and she left him, and he

624
00:29:18,960 --> 00:29:20,840
Speaker 1: doesn't know what the funk to do. And I even

625
00:29:20,880 --> 00:29:23,920
Speaker 1: when I told him, I'm like, she's resentful of the

626
00:29:23,960 --> 00:29:26,400
Speaker 1: fact that you were in control of everything. We all

627
00:29:26,440 --> 00:29:28,840
Speaker 1: have a voice. You know, how much money you make

628
00:29:28,880 --> 00:29:31,720
Speaker 1: doesn't define your value in a relationship. So that's a

629
00:29:31,760 --> 00:29:33,760
Speaker 1: sentence you might want to write down to make sure

630
00:29:33,840 --> 00:29:36,920
Speaker 1: that you bring up when you have a normal, calm

631
00:29:37,080 --> 00:29:41,480
Speaker 1: conversation with him, because it is very archetypal for people

632
00:29:41,680 --> 00:29:44,360
Speaker 1: men specifically to think that they have more control because

633
00:29:44,360 --> 00:29:46,480
Speaker 1: they make more money, and we're just not living in

634
00:29:46,520 --> 00:29:49,280
Speaker 1: that time anymore where that's acceptable when you're a free

635
00:29:49,280 --> 00:29:52,040
Speaker 1: thinking person and you are well aware of your own

636
00:29:52,160 --> 00:29:55,240
Speaker 1: value and self worth and that it has nothing to

637
00:29:55,240 --> 00:29:58,800
Speaker 1: do with how much money you make. Yeah, I think

638
00:29:58,880 --> 00:30:01,400
Speaker 1: that because I am the brever or my relationship and

639
00:30:01,960 --> 00:30:04,600
Speaker 1: Bay is totally fine with that. But like, if you're

640
00:30:04,640 --> 00:30:07,760
Speaker 1: not both making the same amount of money one or both,

641
00:30:07,800 --> 00:30:10,920
Speaker 1: you might feel a little whatever about that. And so

642
00:30:10,960 --> 00:30:13,360
Speaker 1: it's good to have open communication about that and for

643
00:30:13,440 --> 00:30:17,479
Speaker 1: him to sort of also voice what he's thinking about it,

644
00:30:17,560 --> 00:30:19,600
Speaker 1: and then he can if he even just says what

645
00:30:19,680 --> 00:30:22,040
Speaker 1: he's thinking of, Oh, well, I think it should make

646
00:30:22,040 --> 00:30:25,280
Speaker 1: all decisions because I make more money. Just him saying that,

647
00:30:25,320 --> 00:30:27,640
Speaker 1: he might go, oh, Ship, I can't believe that's how

648
00:30:27,640 --> 00:30:30,200
Speaker 1: I actually feel. And then he might go, oh, I

649
00:30:30,280 --> 00:30:32,480
Speaker 1: need to unpack that. Not we, but he needs to

650
00:30:32,560 --> 00:30:35,520
Speaker 1: unpack like how he feels. Like that creates a hierarchy

651
00:30:35,520 --> 00:30:39,800
Speaker 1: in the relationship instead of being equal, because like Chelsea said,

652
00:30:39,800 --> 00:30:41,880
Speaker 1: like you don't want to resent him, and he shouldn't

653
00:30:41,880 --> 00:30:45,080
Speaker 1: be walking around like it's like the nineteen twenties where

654
00:30:45,080 --> 00:30:47,440
Speaker 1: he's making all the decisions, because it's not, and like

655
00:30:48,440 --> 00:30:51,320
Speaker 1: he both brings so many things to the relationship, and

656
00:30:51,480 --> 00:30:54,680
Speaker 1: my boyfriend brings so much of the relationship that is

657
00:30:54,760 --> 00:30:58,080
Speaker 1: not related to money, and you bring so much relationship

658
00:30:58,080 --> 00:30:59,880
Speaker 1: that has nothing to do with money. And it's like

659
00:31:00,680 --> 00:31:03,840
Speaker 1: that adds value. That's a contribution, and that should be

660
00:31:03,880 --> 00:31:07,480
Speaker 1: recognized as well. And he should also respect your contributions

661
00:31:07,520 --> 00:31:10,000
Speaker 1: and bow down to you for all the great things

662
00:31:10,040 --> 00:31:13,240
Speaker 1: that you bring to make the relationship special. Right, and

663
00:31:13,280 --> 00:31:16,400
Speaker 1: reminding him of those things isn't a bad idea, you know,

664
00:31:16,560 --> 00:31:20,360
Speaker 1: sitting down and just evaluating, like what your qualities are,

665
00:31:20,400 --> 00:31:24,480
Speaker 1: your attributes with regard to your relationship is an important reminder.

666
00:31:24,560 --> 00:31:26,720
Speaker 1: And a lot of men are stuck in their roles

667
00:31:26,720 --> 00:31:29,040
Speaker 1: as men, and they needed to be reminded by us,

668
00:31:29,200 --> 00:31:32,200
Speaker 1: the closest people to them, and sometimes with very gentle

669
00:31:32,200 --> 00:31:34,520
Speaker 1: prodding and sometimes with very loud prodding, depending on what

670
00:31:34,600 --> 00:31:36,720
Speaker 1: kind of guy that you're with. Are you guys in

671
00:31:36,800 --> 00:31:39,720
Speaker 1: therapy at all or counseling of any kind? We're not.

672
00:31:39,960 --> 00:31:43,600
Speaker 1: I've suggested it before, but I think and then he's like,

673
00:31:43,640 --> 00:31:50,040
Speaker 1: I have to pay for it. I think he would

674
00:31:50,040 --> 00:31:53,040
Speaker 1: be open, but we're good in every other aspect. I

675
00:31:53,080 --> 00:31:56,680
Speaker 1: think it's really just I think I internalize a lot

676
00:31:56,720 --> 00:31:58,760
Speaker 1: of it, which I think therapy would probably help. Like,

677
00:31:58,800 --> 00:32:01,880
Speaker 1: I think that it's my own security sometimes, like you're saying,

678
00:32:01,880 --> 00:32:04,360
Speaker 1: like feeling like I'm not the Brent winner and maybe

679
00:32:04,400 --> 00:32:07,400
Speaker 1: I'm just it's my own issue, and I think in

680
00:32:07,480 --> 00:32:10,240
Speaker 1: his mind he thinks that we are equal, and like,

681
00:32:10,280 --> 00:32:13,160
Speaker 1: I don't think he's intentionally trying to make me feel

682
00:32:13,160 --> 00:32:15,120
Speaker 1: that way, but I don't know how to get past

683
00:32:15,120 --> 00:32:18,600
Speaker 1: feeling like that. You might also think about going to

684
00:32:18,880 --> 00:32:20,800
Speaker 1: since that is kind of the crux of the issue,

685
00:32:20,880 --> 00:32:25,320
Speaker 1: a financial therapist. There are also financial psychologists that could

686
00:32:25,360 --> 00:32:28,320
Speaker 1: help you guys unpack like where this is coming from

687
00:32:28,360 --> 00:32:30,160
Speaker 1: for him, like why he feels like he needs to

688
00:32:30,200 --> 00:32:32,760
Speaker 1: make the decisions and that way, rather than going to

689
00:32:33,720 --> 00:32:37,000
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm all for you know, relationship therapy and

690
00:32:37,040 --> 00:32:39,880
Speaker 1: marital therapy as well, but that could be something if

691
00:32:39,920 --> 00:32:42,600
Speaker 1: he's not open to just regular therapy helping you unpack

692
00:32:42,680 --> 00:32:45,400
Speaker 1: some of the financial issues around that. MM. That's a

693
00:32:45,400 --> 00:32:47,680
Speaker 1: good idea. And also, you know what you're saying about

694
00:32:47,680 --> 00:32:49,800
Speaker 1: internalizing it, Yes, you're right, because I'm sure you could

695
00:32:49,800 --> 00:32:51,120
Speaker 1: bring it up to him and hope, like god, it'll

696
00:32:51,160 --> 00:32:53,520
Speaker 1: feel that way. What do you mean we are fifty fifty,

697
00:32:53,560 --> 00:32:55,840
Speaker 1: but like you know, the dishwasher example, I'm sure you

698
00:32:55,840 --> 00:32:59,280
Speaker 1: have other examples. Either way, it's important to start the

699
00:32:59,320 --> 00:33:02,080
Speaker 1: dialogue communicate between the two of you so that you

700
00:33:02,120 --> 00:33:05,280
Speaker 1: have an open communication, so that he understands how you're

701
00:33:05,360 --> 00:33:08,520
Speaker 1: feeling about it and how his actions can impact your

702
00:33:08,560 --> 00:33:12,160
Speaker 1: feelings and vice versa. Right, so he could be oblivious

703
00:33:12,160 --> 00:33:13,920
Speaker 1: to this and say, oh my god, I totally think

704
00:33:13,920 --> 00:33:16,560
Speaker 1: of you as a partner, yet you're having all these emotions,

705
00:33:16,680 --> 00:33:18,880
Speaker 1: he still should know that you feel this way, that

706
00:33:18,960 --> 00:33:21,520
Speaker 1: you are internalizing this, that you are thinking about it

707
00:33:21,560 --> 00:33:23,840
Speaker 1: in a way that makes you feel like in this

708
00:33:23,880 --> 00:33:27,120
Speaker 1: way in the financial aspect of your relationship, you don't

709
00:33:27,160 --> 00:33:29,600
Speaker 1: feel like it's even Stephen, and the rest of your

710
00:33:29,600 --> 00:33:32,800
Speaker 1: relationship is great, and you do feel like it's equitable

711
00:33:32,840 --> 00:33:35,520
Speaker 1: in those terms. That's also worth saying to him too.

712
00:33:35,560 --> 00:33:37,560
Speaker 1: I mean, start out with all the positives you know,

713
00:33:38,000 --> 00:33:40,440
Speaker 1: and then give an area where you can where you

714
00:33:40,760 --> 00:33:43,760
Speaker 1: would like to see some improvement, and then start from that.

715
00:33:43,800 --> 00:33:46,040
Speaker 1: Starts with you. You're going to start to improve the

716
00:33:46,040 --> 00:33:49,000
Speaker 1: way that you internalize it and understand your value. But

717
00:33:49,120 --> 00:33:51,160
Speaker 1: he also should be made aware of it, because that's

718
00:33:51,200 --> 00:33:54,080
Speaker 1: only going to bring you closer together being communicative in

719
00:33:54,120 --> 00:33:57,160
Speaker 1: that way, for sure, that's good advice. I'm definitely trying

720
00:33:57,200 --> 00:33:58,800
Speaker 1: to talk to him and he does the whole like

721
00:33:58,880 --> 00:34:03,280
Speaker 1: he said, like what you're talking about, so I don't know,

722
00:34:03,320 --> 00:34:06,000
Speaker 1: maybe I needed to have word it. And well that's

723
00:34:06,080 --> 00:34:09,359
Speaker 1: also his actions, right because he can say that, but

724
00:34:09,400 --> 00:34:11,960
Speaker 1: like where his actions showing you know what I mean?

725
00:34:12,000 --> 00:34:14,040
Speaker 1: And that's where you can point him and be like, honey,

726
00:34:14,080 --> 00:34:16,440
Speaker 1: even if you do feel like we're fifty fifty in

727
00:34:16,520 --> 00:34:19,560
Speaker 1: this moment, you made me feel this way based on

728
00:34:19,640 --> 00:34:22,200
Speaker 1: what you did, So how can we work through that

729
00:34:22,560 --> 00:34:25,680
Speaker 1: so it doesn't happen again? You know? Yeah? Yeah, And

730
00:34:25,880 --> 00:34:27,919
Speaker 1: I also want to point out that you mentioned that

731
00:34:28,000 --> 00:34:30,600
Speaker 1: you will never make as much money as he does,

732
00:34:30,719 --> 00:34:33,680
Speaker 1: and that might not be true. You never know if

733
00:34:33,760 --> 00:34:36,880
Speaker 1: he could have a lose his job in three months

734
00:34:36,880 --> 00:34:38,480
Speaker 1: and not have work for a couple of months and

735
00:34:38,520 --> 00:34:41,720
Speaker 1: then you're the breadwinner, or maybe you decide to change careers.

736
00:34:41,800 --> 00:34:45,000
Speaker 1: But you're doing good work and we just don't know

737
00:34:45,000 --> 00:34:47,719
Speaker 1: what our relationships have in store. So and look at it,

738
00:34:47,719 --> 00:34:50,120
Speaker 1: it's like it's an exciting challenge to kind of face

739
00:34:50,239 --> 00:34:52,480
Speaker 1: this like it's not a huge problem. It's just a

740
00:34:52,520 --> 00:34:55,000
Speaker 1: little bit of a thing, right, and like look at

741
00:34:55,040 --> 00:34:57,239
Speaker 1: it as a great way to like experiment with your

742
00:34:57,239 --> 00:35:01,200
Speaker 1: communication skills and also facilitate get a relationship that grows

743
00:35:01,239 --> 00:35:04,600
Speaker 1: together instead of a part right, because resentment builds and

744
00:35:04,600 --> 00:35:06,719
Speaker 1: that's all that's when people start to separate and they

745
00:35:06,719 --> 00:35:09,000
Speaker 1: go off in their different directions. So this is a

746
00:35:09,080 --> 00:35:12,840
Speaker 1: great opportunity for you to kind of model for yourself

747
00:35:12,880 --> 00:35:15,520
Speaker 1: the behavior that you would like to see in your

748
00:35:15,560 --> 00:35:18,360
Speaker 1: own relationship. It doesn't have to be a burden or

749
00:35:18,440 --> 00:35:21,040
Speaker 1: it doesn't have to be scary. It's like, Okay, how

750
00:35:21,040 --> 00:35:23,279
Speaker 1: can I have this conversation the right way? How can

751
00:35:23,320 --> 00:35:24,879
Speaker 1: I have it? So we're both on the same team.

752
00:35:24,920 --> 00:35:27,200
Speaker 1: You want to remind yourself that you're on the same team.

753
00:35:27,239 --> 00:35:29,480
Speaker 1: You know, you're both playing for the same team. It's

754
00:35:29,520 --> 00:35:31,839
Speaker 1: not one against the other, So how can you both

755
00:35:31,840 --> 00:35:34,200
Speaker 1: take care of each other's feelings in that way? Yeah,

756
00:35:34,320 --> 00:35:37,200
Speaker 1: resentment building is kind of like my biggest year because

757
00:35:37,239 --> 00:35:40,000
Speaker 1: I can like ex sense that starting and so yeah,

758
00:35:40,239 --> 00:35:42,759
Speaker 1: that's good advice. Well, that's what women are known for.

759
00:35:43,000 --> 00:35:45,400
Speaker 1: We build resentment because we have so much to be

760
00:35:45,440 --> 00:35:49,080
Speaker 1: resentful for and we have no outlet to speak about it.

761
00:35:49,320 --> 00:35:51,239
Speaker 1: So this is your moment. You're living in the best

762
00:35:51,280 --> 00:35:53,520
Speaker 1: time ever to be a woman and fucking tell your truth,

763
00:35:53,920 --> 00:35:58,000
Speaker 1: So start there. Another thing that might help is starting

764
00:35:58,000 --> 00:36:01,319
Speaker 1: a new account where you too are sharing living expenses,

765
00:36:01,360 --> 00:36:04,440
Speaker 1: and you're not sharing them evenly, but you're both putting

766
00:36:04,440 --> 00:36:08,120
Speaker 1: in the same percentage of your incomes, so you know,

767
00:36:08,160 --> 00:36:10,040
Speaker 1: figure out how much you need to live on depending

768
00:36:10,080 --> 00:36:12,560
Speaker 1: on what expenses you're sharing. You know, maybe you don't

769
00:36:12,560 --> 00:36:15,239
Speaker 1: share expenses for vacations, or maybe you do, but you

770
00:36:15,320 --> 00:36:19,279
Speaker 1: share expenses for rent and for groceries and electric bill

771
00:36:19,360 --> 00:36:21,480
Speaker 1: and those sorts of things. So you figure out how

772
00:36:21,560 --> 00:36:23,799
Speaker 1: much you need, and then you both put in the

773
00:36:23,840 --> 00:36:27,520
Speaker 1: same percentage until it equals that amount of money. So

774
00:36:27,600 --> 00:36:30,960
Speaker 1: it might be of your incomes, it might be of

775
00:36:30,960 --> 00:36:34,040
Speaker 1: both of your incomes. But what that then allows you

776
00:36:34,080 --> 00:36:36,319
Speaker 1: to do is even the playing field when making those

777
00:36:36,360 --> 00:36:38,200
Speaker 1: decisions on what sort of stuff you're going to buy,

778
00:36:38,200 --> 00:36:40,680
Speaker 1: because it's already in an account where you know the

779
00:36:40,680 --> 00:36:43,239
Speaker 1: amount of money you've put in feels the same to

780
00:36:43,320 --> 00:36:45,799
Speaker 1: both of you. Even though it's not technically the same

781
00:36:45,840 --> 00:36:48,880
Speaker 1: amount of money, it's the same percentage, and having an

782
00:36:48,920 --> 00:36:55,280
Speaker 1: even playing field is kind of what we want, right, Okay,

783
00:36:55,280 --> 00:36:57,040
Speaker 1: Well it was not good luck with everything. Let us

784
00:36:57,040 --> 00:36:59,520
Speaker 1: know how it goes. Okay, keep us posted. Thank you

785
00:36:59,600 --> 00:37:04,279
Speaker 1: so much, Okay, take care, thank you. It's funny. I

786
00:37:04,280 --> 00:37:07,160
Speaker 1: have the exact problem with Joe Koy. He won't let

787
00:37:07,160 --> 00:37:10,239
Speaker 1: me pay for anything ever, and to the point where

788
00:37:10,280 --> 00:37:13,440
Speaker 1: it's like, Joe, I know I have more money than you,

789
00:37:14,080 --> 00:37:16,560
Speaker 1: and you know I have more money than you. Please,

790
00:37:16,880 --> 00:37:19,960
Speaker 1: this is not about and he will not like not

791
00:37:20,040 --> 00:37:22,600
Speaker 1: even like an uber draw and we don't take upers,

792
00:37:22,600 --> 00:37:25,480
Speaker 1: but he won't even let me pay for anything. And

793
00:37:25,520 --> 00:37:27,359
Speaker 1: we go out to dinner with my friends, he doesn't

794
00:37:27,440 --> 00:37:29,719
Speaker 1: let anyone pay because he has such an ego about

795
00:37:29,760 --> 00:37:33,359
Speaker 1: wanting to be the provider. And it's just so it's

796
00:37:33,400 --> 00:37:36,879
Speaker 1: just so silly the way that men have that, you know,

797
00:37:37,200 --> 00:37:39,279
Speaker 1: and it's going to take so long for us to

798
00:37:39,360 --> 00:37:42,279
Speaker 1: peel that away. And I find it so attractive to

799
00:37:42,800 --> 00:37:46,120
Speaker 1: hear about your boyfriend who's okay with like you being

800
00:37:46,120 --> 00:37:48,640
Speaker 1: the breadwinner, because that is the way of the future,

801
00:37:48,760 --> 00:37:50,880
Speaker 1: you know. More men need to warm up to that idea.

802
00:37:51,120 --> 00:37:54,600
Speaker 1: But I will admit that when COVID happened and he

803
00:37:54,719 --> 00:37:57,120
Speaker 1: like couldn't tour anything at first, I was a little

804
00:37:57,160 --> 00:38:00,000
Speaker 1: bit like, oh, I have to like pay for everything,

805
00:38:00,160 --> 00:38:02,319
Speaker 1: like just just like it's sort of like not a

806
00:38:02,440 --> 00:38:06,000
Speaker 1: thing that you expect or you're sort of prepared for.

807
00:38:06,120 --> 00:38:08,239
Speaker 1: But it made me go like, well, what sort of

808
00:38:08,280 --> 00:38:11,080
Speaker 1: like gender hangups do I have about this? You know

809
00:38:11,120 --> 00:38:13,640
Speaker 1: what I mean? And now I'm in a place where

810
00:38:13,640 --> 00:38:16,440
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, it's great. Like his contributions are like amazing.

811
00:38:16,520 --> 00:38:21,520
Speaker 1: He makes our home like so loving and incredible, and

812
00:38:21,560 --> 00:38:23,160
Speaker 1: it's just sort of like you have two sort of

813
00:38:23,239 --> 00:38:26,120
Speaker 1: deep program kind of the what society tells you is

814
00:38:26,200 --> 00:38:29,799
Speaker 1: like what counts. Yeah, you know what. I for so

815
00:38:29,840 --> 00:38:32,080
Speaker 1: long because I've been single for so long, and I

816
00:38:32,160 --> 00:38:37,279
Speaker 1: was so fiercely independent and so strong minded about not

817
00:38:37,400 --> 00:38:40,200
Speaker 1: ever relying on a man or his income or and

818
00:38:40,320 --> 00:38:43,040
Speaker 1: in any way really even emotionally, I was stunted in

819
00:38:43,080 --> 00:38:44,719
Speaker 1: that way that I couldn't rely on a man for

820
00:38:44,760 --> 00:38:47,360
Speaker 1: that because I just have been disappointed by my brother

821
00:38:47,680 --> 00:38:50,800
Speaker 1: or my father or whatever. And so for so long,

822
00:38:50,960 --> 00:38:53,680
Speaker 1: I was always me, like the hustle was always up

823
00:38:53,719 --> 00:38:56,000
Speaker 1: to me, my family, my friends. I was in charge

824
00:38:56,000 --> 00:38:58,600
Speaker 1: of that domain, you know, of our the worlds we

825
00:38:58,719 --> 00:39:02,080
Speaker 1: create for ourselves, and so to come along and now

826
00:39:02,120 --> 00:39:05,840
Speaker 1: be in a relationship with somebody who can contribute in

827
00:39:05,880 --> 00:39:09,120
Speaker 1: that way is also a learning lesson for me because

828
00:39:09,120 --> 00:39:12,120
Speaker 1: it's it's like, it's such a nice idea. It's like, oh, wait,

829
00:39:12,160 --> 00:39:14,600
Speaker 1: it's not all on me. Now we're going to, you know,

830
00:39:14,600 --> 00:39:17,759
Speaker 1: on Safari. We're going on some trip to Africa, and

831
00:39:17,800 --> 00:39:20,000
Speaker 1: we're taking my three nieces and we're taking his son

832
00:39:20,040 --> 00:39:22,960
Speaker 1: and two of his nephews. And I was like, let's

833
00:39:22,960 --> 00:39:25,719
Speaker 1: split this trip. It's crazy. And you know, of course

834
00:39:25,719 --> 00:39:27,800
Speaker 1: he said yes to that. He said yeah. To his credit,

835
00:39:27,800 --> 00:39:29,839
Speaker 1: he said yes to that. But I thought, oh, this

836
00:39:29,960 --> 00:39:33,439
Speaker 1: is so nice that it's not all about me having

837
00:39:33,480 --> 00:39:35,799
Speaker 1: to deal with everything on my own all the time.

838
00:39:35,840 --> 00:39:39,040
Speaker 1: Now I forgot about that. I forgot about that element

839
00:39:39,120 --> 00:39:43,800
Speaker 1: of like, oh, there's somebody else contributing. So that's yeah,

840
00:39:43,840 --> 00:39:49,600
Speaker 1: that's a nice development. That's happy here. Yeah, exactly. Yeah,

841
00:39:49,719 --> 00:39:52,000
Speaker 1: what if you guys didn't get married, you just just

842
00:39:52,040 --> 00:39:54,480
Speaker 1: sort of like the Kurt Russell Goldie Hawn thing. Will

843
00:39:54,560 --> 00:39:57,480
Speaker 1: he be fine with that because that could be an option.

844
00:39:57,880 --> 00:40:00,879
Speaker 1: He'll be fine with whatever. I'm fine with. Timately, he's

845
00:40:01,040 --> 00:40:03,880
Speaker 1: very respectful of whatever. My there's part of me that

846
00:40:03,880 --> 00:40:06,200
Speaker 1: wants to marry him because it will make him so happy,

847
00:40:06,200 --> 00:40:08,480
Speaker 1: and it's really about I do want to make him happy,

848
00:40:08,560 --> 00:40:09,920
Speaker 1: you know, I want him to be happy. I want

849
00:40:10,000 --> 00:40:11,279
Speaker 1: him to be able to say, this is my wife,

850
00:40:11,280 --> 00:40:13,600
Speaker 1: because that's what he wants to say. But he's already

851
00:40:13,600 --> 00:40:15,400
Speaker 1: my husband. You know. I'm not going to date anybody

852
00:40:15,400 --> 00:40:19,279
Speaker 1: after him. It's him and me. That's it. So I

853
00:40:19,320 --> 00:40:21,560
Speaker 1: mean that's how you feel too. Yeah, I told him.

854
00:40:21,560 --> 00:40:23,600
Speaker 1: I was like, when you die, because he's going to

855
00:40:23,719 --> 00:40:26,239
Speaker 1: die before me. I'm like, I'm just gonna my best

856
00:40:26,280 --> 00:40:27,960
Speaker 1: friend from college care and we're just going to get

857
00:40:27,960 --> 00:40:30,920
Speaker 1: a house upstate and then we're just gonna like sit

858
00:40:31,080 --> 00:40:33,120
Speaker 1: and drink wine and that's it. I'm not going to

859
00:40:33,239 --> 00:40:35,520
Speaker 1: date again. That's right. I told my sister, that's what

860
00:40:35,680 --> 00:40:37,719
Speaker 1: I said. I said, Simone, you and I are going

861
00:40:37,760 --> 00:40:41,560
Speaker 1: to transition into later in life lesbians together at some point.

862
00:40:41,680 --> 00:40:43,360
Speaker 1: It's just gonna be you and me. And she's like,

863
00:40:43,400 --> 00:40:45,239
Speaker 1: why do we have to be lesbians? Why can't we

864
00:40:45,280 --> 00:40:47,640
Speaker 1: just be together without being lesbians. I'm like, that's part

865
00:40:47,640 --> 00:40:50,399
Speaker 1: of the deal. So she's warming up to that idea.

866
00:40:50,440 --> 00:40:52,279
Speaker 1: It's going to be a while, though, I mean, you know,

867
00:40:52,800 --> 00:40:55,120
Speaker 1: but she's getting older, my sister, because she's ten years

868
00:40:55,160 --> 00:40:58,560
Speaker 1: older than me. I'm forty six, she's fifty six. So

869
00:40:58,880 --> 00:41:02,600
Speaker 1: we'll see I mean hopefully. You know, Joe has stamina though,

870
00:41:02,640 --> 00:41:05,800
Speaker 1: I mean, I'll probably die before Joe because he's older

871
00:41:05,800 --> 00:41:08,640
Speaker 1: than he's fifty. But he's got some sort of Filipino

872
00:41:08,760 --> 00:41:11,920
Speaker 1: d NA that gives people extra energy. He can do.

873
00:41:12,280 --> 00:41:14,279
Speaker 1: I've never seen anybody like him. He just we went

874
00:41:14,320 --> 00:41:16,040
Speaker 1: to the gym this morning and he ran four miles.

875
00:41:16,080 --> 00:41:17,840
Speaker 1: He hasn't run in like a year, and he just

876
00:41:17,960 --> 00:41:21,680
Speaker 1: ran four miles. And then he's been working out for

877
00:41:21,719 --> 00:41:23,640
Speaker 1: four days. Like he comes to the gym with me

878
00:41:23,680 --> 00:41:26,040
Speaker 1: every morning. He's been working out four days, and his

879
00:41:26,160 --> 00:41:29,440
Speaker 1: body already is like more muscular and leaner. I'm like,

880
00:41:29,520 --> 00:41:32,920
Speaker 1: I can see your muscles already. It's just a fucking joke.

881
00:41:33,360 --> 00:41:38,040
Speaker 1: But he's got some weird strength. Well. Our next email

882
00:41:38,239 --> 00:41:43,160
Speaker 1: comes from Jess. She's thirty five. Dear Chelsea, I recently

883
00:41:43,200 --> 00:41:45,560
Speaker 1: quit my job of eight point five years at a

884
00:41:45,600 --> 00:41:50,000
Speaker 1: small nonprofit organization because of its extremely toxic work environment.

885
00:41:50,600 --> 00:41:53,880
Speaker 1: I left very abruptly, and to my surprise, many people

886
00:41:53,880 --> 00:41:57,040
Speaker 1: close to me, both personally and professionally were very supportive.

887
00:41:57,600 --> 00:42:00,319
Speaker 1: Everyone assured me i'd land something better and that I

888
00:42:00,360 --> 00:42:03,920
Speaker 1: deserved more respect and frankly, a respite from the burnout.

889
00:42:04,560 --> 00:42:07,640
Speaker 1: It's now been about two months and I haven't found anything.

890
00:42:07,920 --> 00:42:10,759
Speaker 1: I'm having a bit of a crisis of confidence. I

891
00:42:10,800 --> 00:42:13,439
Speaker 1: went from an independent career woman, living on my own

892
00:42:13,560 --> 00:42:15,840
Speaker 1: terms and taking care of all my own ship to

893
00:42:15,920 --> 00:42:18,720
Speaker 1: a thirty five year old loser living back with her parents.

894
00:42:19,040 --> 00:42:21,799
Speaker 1: I want so badly to get back my independence and

895
00:42:21,800 --> 00:42:24,319
Speaker 1: self reliance, but I also really want to wait for

896
00:42:24,360 --> 00:42:27,319
Speaker 1: a job opportunity that feels like the right fit in

897
00:42:27,360 --> 00:42:30,800
Speaker 1: a field. I have more passion for any advice Jess.

898
00:42:31,320 --> 00:42:34,719
Speaker 1: Stop calling yourself a loser. First of all, stop that

899
00:42:35,640 --> 00:42:38,640
Speaker 1: if you're not on your own team, then you are behind.

900
00:42:39,080 --> 00:42:42,680
Speaker 1: You are setting yourself back by so much when you

901
00:42:42,719 --> 00:42:45,400
Speaker 1: are not rooting for yourself. So you have got to

902
00:42:45,480 --> 00:42:48,680
Speaker 1: be rooting for yourself. And if it takes you writing

903
00:42:48,680 --> 00:42:52,160
Speaker 1: down sentences that say I matter, I have value. If

904
00:42:52,200 --> 00:42:54,840
Speaker 1: you have to write that down and say self affirmations

905
00:42:54,880 --> 00:42:58,440
Speaker 1: every morning when you wake up, start there. Because nothing

906
00:42:58,600 --> 00:43:01,960
Speaker 1: is worse than calling yourself that you don't You're not

907
00:43:02,040 --> 00:43:05,319
Speaker 1: a loser. You how to sit a bad situation that

908
00:43:05,400 --> 00:43:08,400
Speaker 1: you're not in anymore. That's a good thing. You're living

909
00:43:08,400 --> 00:43:11,919
Speaker 1: with your parents, that's temporary, that's not permanent. It's only

910
00:43:11,960 --> 00:43:15,239
Speaker 1: permanent if you believe it's permanent. And now you can

911
00:43:15,320 --> 00:43:18,040
Speaker 1: work towards building a better life for yourself and getting

912
00:43:18,080 --> 00:43:20,879
Speaker 1: the job and the opportunities that you want. But that's

913
00:43:20,920 --> 00:43:23,880
Speaker 1: not where your happiness is only going to come from.

914
00:43:23,920 --> 00:43:26,040
Speaker 1: You know, all of this is an inside job, So

915
00:43:26,080 --> 00:43:29,960
Speaker 1: you're not just gonna get your meaning and defining moment

916
00:43:30,040 --> 00:43:32,880
Speaker 1: for yourself through your work. You also have to cultivate

917
00:43:32,920 --> 00:43:36,120
Speaker 1: that in other ways, with your friendships, with your hobbies.

918
00:43:36,560 --> 00:43:40,719
Speaker 1: Start there, you know, start exercising, getting outside, getting out

919
00:43:40,719 --> 00:43:43,480
Speaker 1: of your own ass, because you're having a pity party

920
00:43:43,520 --> 00:43:46,000
Speaker 1: for yourself right now, and that that doesn't go anywhere.

921
00:43:46,360 --> 00:43:48,600
Speaker 1: You're the only person able to pull yourself up out

922
00:43:48,600 --> 00:43:52,560
Speaker 1: of that. Two months does not a career make I

923
00:43:52,600 --> 00:43:55,960
Speaker 1: mean no, no, not at all. And you know it's

924
00:43:55,960 --> 00:43:58,600
Speaker 1: okay to feel sorry for yourself. I mean, we've I'm

925
00:43:58,640 --> 00:44:02,480
Speaker 1: sure you Phoebe had I have a pity party, but

926
00:44:02,520 --> 00:44:05,440
Speaker 1: you have I stopped. My pity parties can only last

927
00:44:05,480 --> 00:44:07,880
Speaker 1: for two days. That's my new rules. After that you

928
00:44:07,920 --> 00:44:11,080
Speaker 1: have to just move on. Take the forty hours, take

929
00:44:11,120 --> 00:44:13,839
Speaker 1: the hit, feel bad. But then, like Chelsea said, like

930
00:44:14,160 --> 00:44:16,719
Speaker 1: what maybe, like while you're in the morning, you distilka,

931
00:44:16,760 --> 00:44:18,759
Speaker 1: I'm gonna I'm gonna apply to like five jobs a

932
00:44:18,800 --> 00:44:21,200
Speaker 1: day in the morning, and then like you can spend

933
00:44:21,200 --> 00:44:24,400
Speaker 1: like your afternoon like cultivating some hobbies, hanging out with friends,

934
00:44:24,520 --> 00:44:28,239
Speaker 1: like taking this time to sort of eat, pray, love

935
00:44:28,280 --> 00:44:30,560
Speaker 1: even though this wasn't like intentional, you know what I mean,

936
00:44:30,760 --> 00:44:32,759
Speaker 1: but take this time to really sort of figure out

937
00:44:32,800 --> 00:44:35,279
Speaker 1: what you want to do, what brings you joy while

938
00:44:35,280 --> 00:44:37,719
Speaker 1: you're looking for a job. I remember during the recession

939
00:44:37,880 --> 00:44:39,399
Speaker 1: in two thousand and eight, I worked at this film

940
00:44:39,400 --> 00:44:41,640
Speaker 1: company is shut down, and so then I just took

941
00:44:41,680 --> 00:44:44,759
Speaker 1: like temp jobs, like I work like half the day

942
00:44:44,880 --> 00:44:46,239
Speaker 1: and then I spent the other half of a day

943
00:44:46,280 --> 00:44:49,440
Speaker 1: like journaling or writing or what have you. There's so

944
00:44:49,480 --> 00:44:52,279
Speaker 1: many things that you can do. And also it's so

945
00:44:52,360 --> 00:44:55,720
Speaker 1: amazing that you could stay at your parents place during

946
00:44:55,760 --> 00:44:59,319
Speaker 1: this transition because so many people don't have that, and

947
00:44:59,400 --> 00:45:02,279
Speaker 1: so you use them as emotional support to and like

948
00:45:02,400 --> 00:45:05,920
Speaker 1: have them like help you get through this season and

949
00:45:06,080 --> 00:45:08,719
Speaker 1: encourage you. But you you have so much going for you.

950
00:45:08,760 --> 00:45:10,600
Speaker 1: And the fact that you could recognize you are at

951
00:45:10,600 --> 00:45:14,120
Speaker 1: a toxic work environment and you could leave it. That

952
00:45:14,280 --> 00:45:17,719
Speaker 1: is amazing because so many people don't have the ability

953
00:45:17,760 --> 00:45:20,120
Speaker 1: to believe in themselves enough to step off a bad

954
00:45:20,160 --> 00:45:24,920
Speaker 1: work situation. So give yourself some freaking props for what

955
00:45:24,960 --> 00:45:27,200
Speaker 1: you you don't do with your life instead of sort

956
00:45:27,239 --> 00:45:29,080
Speaker 1: of looking at like, oh, I dropped the ball, you

957
00:45:29,080 --> 00:45:31,479
Speaker 1: didn't drop the ball. You're getting yourself to a better

958
00:45:31,520 --> 00:45:36,640
Speaker 1: place exactly exactly, and it's an opportunity for growth. Anytime

959
00:45:36,680 --> 00:45:38,920
Speaker 1: you come out of a bad situation, it is an

960
00:45:38,920 --> 00:45:41,880
Speaker 1: opportunity for you to open newer doors that sends you

961
00:45:41,920 --> 00:45:44,239
Speaker 1: in the better direction for your life. So when you

962
00:45:44,280 --> 00:45:47,239
Speaker 1: say no to something that doesn't meet your standards, you

963
00:45:47,280 --> 00:45:50,360
Speaker 1: are raising your level of standards to something else. You know,

964
00:45:50,400 --> 00:45:52,879
Speaker 1: whether the decision was made for you or you made

965
00:45:52,880 --> 00:45:55,680
Speaker 1: the decision. Your standards are different now because you're not

966
00:45:55,719 --> 00:45:58,480
Speaker 1: in that situation anymore. And so you can apply that

967
00:45:58,560 --> 00:46:02,680
Speaker 1: to your love life, your friendships, your hobbies, and your work.

968
00:46:03,080 --> 00:46:05,160
Speaker 1: You set the standard of what's going to be acceptable

969
00:46:05,239 --> 00:46:07,759
Speaker 1: to you, and you look at this time in your

970
00:46:07,800 --> 00:46:10,880
Speaker 1: parents house as a gift. This is a gift for

971
00:46:10,920 --> 00:46:13,680
Speaker 1: you to recalibrate and get yourself on the right track

972
00:46:13,960 --> 00:46:16,120
Speaker 1: so that you can be in a different place in

973
00:46:16,200 --> 00:46:19,840
Speaker 1: six months. Don't denounce the place that you're in, accept

974
00:46:19,880 --> 00:46:22,680
Speaker 1: it and understand this is temporary too. You're not gonna

975
00:46:22,719 --> 00:46:24,400
Speaker 1: live with your parents for the rest of your life,

976
00:46:24,680 --> 00:46:27,120
Speaker 1: so it's it's a huge opportunity and you just need

977
00:46:27,160 --> 00:46:29,719
Speaker 1: to flip the script on yourself and honestly start out

978
00:46:29,719 --> 00:46:32,239
Speaker 1: with affirmations in the morning that they're not gonna hurt you.

979
00:46:32,520 --> 00:46:35,800
Speaker 1: Just wake up and say you're valuable, you're beautiful inside

980
00:46:35,840 --> 00:46:38,839
Speaker 1: and out, You're you know, you mean something, and who

981
00:46:38,920 --> 00:46:41,879
Speaker 1: you love and who you're grateful for. Instead of looking

982
00:46:41,880 --> 00:46:43,680
Speaker 1: at what you don't have, look at things you do

983
00:46:43,800 --> 00:46:46,640
Speaker 1: have and build on that because that is the power

984
00:46:46,760 --> 00:46:49,960
Speaker 1: of positive thinking. It sounds like a cliche, it sounds

985
00:46:50,000 --> 00:46:52,840
Speaker 1: like something only spiritual people can access, but it is

986
00:46:53,080 --> 00:46:55,920
Speaker 1: very practical and it's a huge tool that will help

987
00:46:55,960 --> 00:46:57,600
Speaker 1: you through the rest of your life. If you can

988
00:46:57,840 --> 00:47:00,120
Speaker 1: learn how to use it and apply it to your

989
00:47:00,160 --> 00:47:01,960
Speaker 1: life right now, it's going to be your best friend.

990
00:47:02,360 --> 00:47:05,760
Speaker 1: There's this app that I use. It's called I AM Affirmations,

991
00:47:06,360 --> 00:47:09,000
Speaker 1: and they send me I want to say maybe like

992
00:47:09,840 --> 00:47:13,040
Speaker 1: ten and twenty throughout the day. And I always find,

993
00:47:13,200 --> 00:47:17,000
Speaker 1: especially in low days, the affirmation that they send me

994
00:47:17,400 --> 00:47:20,080
Speaker 1: somehow is the perfect thing that I need to read

995
00:47:20,080 --> 00:47:22,799
Speaker 1: in that moment to get my ship together. So I

996
00:47:22,880 --> 00:47:25,839
Speaker 1: highly recommend you can choose a cute background you can

997
00:47:25,960 --> 00:47:27,719
Speaker 1: they have like a play sound where you could just

998
00:47:27,760 --> 00:47:29,680
Speaker 1: like press play and they'll just like say it to

999
00:47:29,719 --> 00:47:32,200
Speaker 1: you over and over and over again. But it really

1000
00:47:32,200 --> 00:47:33,879
Speaker 1: will help you in those days when you don't feel

1001
00:47:33,880 --> 00:47:35,959
Speaker 1: that great about yourself. I love that. What's that called?

1002
00:47:36,280 --> 00:47:39,480
Speaker 1: I am affirmations? I am affirmations. That's a good one.

1003
00:47:39,480 --> 00:47:41,520
Speaker 1: Thank you. And what was the book you referenced earlier

1004
00:47:41,520 --> 00:47:45,400
Speaker 1: in the episode Quiet Buy Susan Kane. Okay, yeah, I

1005
00:47:45,400 --> 00:47:47,600
Speaker 1: haven't read that one. It's so good. I read it

1006
00:47:47,640 --> 00:47:49,680
Speaker 1: in like a week. I was just devouring it. It's

1007
00:47:49,960 --> 00:47:54,000
Speaker 1: so good. That stuff is very valuable because our narrative

1008
00:47:54,080 --> 00:47:56,239
Speaker 1: is what are you know, especially when we sink low,

1009
00:47:56,360 --> 00:47:59,080
Speaker 1: we just get into ego and when we're down, we

1010
00:47:59,200 --> 00:48:02,640
Speaker 1: just think out everything that is not important, and it

1011
00:48:02,760 --> 00:48:05,959
Speaker 1: rarely get to focus on the things that are So Yes,

1012
00:48:06,400 --> 00:48:08,759
Speaker 1: have the power to lift yourself out of this. You

1013
00:48:08,840 --> 00:48:11,200
Speaker 1: take your two days, like Phoebe said, and then get

1014
00:48:11,200 --> 00:48:16,800
Speaker 1: your ship together. I love that well. Our last question

1015
00:48:16,840 --> 00:48:21,359
Speaker 1: it comes from Samantha. She says, Dear Chelsea. I met

1016
00:48:21,400 --> 00:48:25,160
Speaker 1: my boyfriend on Tinder, and our relationships started off very sexually,

1017
00:48:25,640 --> 00:48:28,840
Speaker 1: sexting often and hooking up. I wasn't looking for anything

1018
00:48:28,840 --> 00:48:31,719
Speaker 1: serious at the time, but we ended up together. We've

1019
00:48:31,760 --> 00:48:34,080
Speaker 1: been dating for a year now and everything is perfect

1020
00:48:34,360 --> 00:48:37,560
Speaker 1: except a month ago, I found some messages on his

1021
00:48:37,640 --> 00:48:40,520
Speaker 1: phone that looked like he was sexting other women. I

1022
00:48:40,560 --> 00:48:43,239
Speaker 1: confronted him about it, and he explained that it wasn't

1023
00:48:43,280 --> 00:48:46,000
Speaker 1: what it looked like. He said that it's basically role

1024
00:48:46,000 --> 00:48:48,800
Speaker 1: play and that he messages other men about the women

1025
00:48:48,800 --> 00:48:51,759
Speaker 1: in their life. The men he messages get off on

1026
00:48:51,880 --> 00:48:56,239
Speaker 1: other men wanting their wives and girlfriends. Should I believe him?

1027
00:48:56,280 --> 00:48:58,600
Speaker 1: He seemed really embarrassed, and I could tell it was

1028
00:48:58,640 --> 00:49:00,759
Speaker 1: hard for him to talk about, which makes me think

1029
00:49:00,800 --> 00:49:03,440
Speaker 1: that it's true. Who would make that up if it

1030
00:49:03,520 --> 00:49:05,920
Speaker 1: wasn't true. I did believe him right away, but I

1031
00:49:05,960 --> 00:49:08,440
Speaker 1: have a history of being naive and trusting too easily

1032
00:49:08,480 --> 00:49:11,680
Speaker 1: in relationships. I didn't want to kink shame him, but

1033
00:49:11,800 --> 00:49:14,000
Speaker 1: I told him I was uncomfortable with it, and I

1034
00:49:14,040 --> 00:49:15,960
Speaker 1: didn't think it was appropriate for him to sex to

1035
00:49:16,000 --> 00:49:18,920
Speaker 1: anyone else while in a relationship. He told me he

1036
00:49:18,960 --> 00:49:22,480
Speaker 1: felt he had an addiction and it started before we

1037
00:49:22,520 --> 00:49:24,480
Speaker 1: started dating, and it was hard for him to stop

1038
00:49:24,520 --> 00:49:27,720
Speaker 1: when he met me. He promised me and has since stopped,

1039
00:49:27,880 --> 00:49:30,800
Speaker 1: and I have reason to believe that's true. Since then,

1040
00:49:30,920 --> 00:49:33,279
Speaker 1: I found a few more old messages which were all

1041
00:49:33,360 --> 00:49:36,279
Speaker 1: dated from before I found out. Every time I bring

1042
00:49:36,320 --> 00:49:39,160
Speaker 1: it up or ask about it, he's very open, answers

1043
00:49:39,200 --> 00:49:42,719
Speaker 1: all questions, and it's very apologetic. Do I believe him?

1044
00:49:42,880 --> 00:49:45,719
Speaker 1: Is this a deal breaker? Either way? He views it

1045
00:49:45,760 --> 00:49:47,960
Speaker 1: as a form of porn, but I can't help but

1046
00:49:48,080 --> 00:49:56,240
Speaker 1: feel hurt and betrayed. Thanks in advance, Samantha m hm, yeah, yeah,

1047
00:49:56,280 --> 00:49:58,880
Speaker 1: I vascillated there because at first I'm just like listen,

1048
00:49:59,120 --> 00:50:01,839
Speaker 1: but I mean then she says he stopped. I think

1049
00:50:01,840 --> 00:50:03,920
Speaker 1: if somebody has an addiction and they throw around the

1050
00:50:03,960 --> 00:50:06,520
Speaker 1: word addiction, you should listen to that because that's not

1051
00:50:06,600 --> 00:50:10,080
Speaker 1: a light term, even though men can use that term

1052
00:50:10,120 --> 00:50:12,200
Speaker 1: just to get out of ship, right. You know, men

1053
00:50:12,239 --> 00:50:14,000
Speaker 1: are like, oh, I'm a sex addict. It's like, why

1054
00:50:14,040 --> 00:50:15,880
Speaker 1: aren't I a sex addict. How come I don't own

1055
00:50:15,920 --> 00:50:19,120
Speaker 1: women who are sex addict. But I can't tell you

1056
00:50:19,160 --> 00:50:21,560
Speaker 1: what to do in this situation because this is your relationship,

1057
00:50:21,600 --> 00:50:24,280
Speaker 1: and this is you have to trust your gut here

1058
00:50:24,480 --> 00:50:27,279
Speaker 1: and and follow it. If you believe him and you're

1059
00:50:27,360 --> 00:50:32,080
Speaker 1: still checking his phone and he hasn't made any more,

1060
00:50:32,120 --> 00:50:36,080
Speaker 1: you know, contact with other people, it just it sounds

1061
00:50:36,080 --> 00:50:39,279
Speaker 1: like a bigger issue than just the texting, right, Like,

1062
00:50:39,360 --> 00:50:42,160
Speaker 1: if this is an issue, then there's more to the matter.

1063
00:50:42,440 --> 00:50:45,560
Speaker 1: You know, you are very hurt. People can change if

1064
00:50:45,560 --> 00:50:47,239
Speaker 1: he had that problem, you know, and if if he

1065
00:50:47,239 --> 00:50:49,959
Speaker 1: seeks the right help. But him changing because you told

1066
00:50:50,000 --> 00:50:52,920
Speaker 1: him not to do it anymore isn't exactly the right

1067
00:50:52,960 --> 00:50:56,640
Speaker 1: way to go about having change, right. Yeah, I feel

1068
00:50:56,680 --> 00:50:59,200
Speaker 1: like it won't stick because he's just doing it for you,

1069
00:50:59,320 --> 00:51:02,040
Speaker 1: and then he's gonna have a moment of weakness and

1070
00:51:02,040 --> 00:51:04,440
Speaker 1: then the floodgates are going to open. And so I

1071
00:51:04,480 --> 00:51:06,800
Speaker 1: really do think that if he does think this is

1072
00:51:06,840 --> 00:51:11,120
Speaker 1: an addiction, he might need to really talk to someone

1073
00:51:11,800 --> 00:51:14,600
Speaker 1: about this in order for this to stick, because I

1074
00:51:14,719 --> 00:51:17,120
Speaker 1: just I'm worried that in six months it's going to

1075
00:51:17,239 --> 00:51:20,799
Speaker 1: start up again and he's gonna be any messages. You're

1076
00:51:20,800 --> 00:51:23,000
Speaker 1: gonna find something. I just don't know. I just don't

1077
00:51:23,040 --> 00:51:25,640
Speaker 1: know if it's gonna last. Yeah, when somebody says I'm

1078
00:51:25,680 --> 00:51:28,359
Speaker 1: gonna stop doing something because you asked me to, and

1079
00:51:28,400 --> 00:51:29,880
Speaker 1: that the fact that he's been doing it since he

1080
00:51:29,960 --> 00:51:32,760
Speaker 1: met you implies that there you guys have been together

1081
00:51:32,800 --> 00:51:34,600
Speaker 1: for a year, right, I mean that implies that it

1082
00:51:34,680 --> 00:51:37,880
Speaker 1: is an addiction. Yeah, So I think it's a deeper

1083
00:51:38,040 --> 00:51:39,759
Speaker 1: It's not just like one and done. You have to

1084
00:51:39,800 --> 00:51:43,560
Speaker 1: have another conversation about it, and possibly several to make

1085
00:51:43,560 --> 00:51:46,200
Speaker 1: sure that you can trust him, and you being hurt

1086
00:51:46,320 --> 00:51:48,880
Speaker 1: is very valid and a good engine for him to

1087
00:51:49,480 --> 00:51:53,560
Speaker 1: make some changes. But it sounds like you're going to

1088
00:51:53,680 --> 00:51:57,000
Speaker 1: find that again, like just off the top of my head,

1089
00:51:57,040 --> 00:51:59,640
Speaker 1: and instinctively, it sounds like you're going to run into

1090
00:51:59,640 --> 00:52:02,560
Speaker 1: this problem with him again. So I guess my advice

1091
00:52:02,560 --> 00:52:05,680
Speaker 1: would be to sit down and really unearthed, possibly with

1092
00:52:05,719 --> 00:52:08,520
Speaker 1: a third party, you know, a therapist on Earth, what

1093
00:52:08,600 --> 00:52:11,000
Speaker 1: this is really about, so you can get to the

1094
00:52:11,040 --> 00:52:13,000
Speaker 1: meat of the matter instead of just kind of putting

1095
00:52:13,040 --> 00:52:15,439
Speaker 1: a band aid on the behavior. You want to find

1096
00:52:15,440 --> 00:52:18,000
Speaker 1: out why that behavior is happening in the first place,

1097
00:52:18,000 --> 00:52:20,839
Speaker 1: and why he has an addiction to sexting people when

1098
00:52:20,840 --> 00:52:23,760
Speaker 1: he's in a relationship with you. Yeah, And I also

1099
00:52:23,880 --> 00:52:27,359
Speaker 1: feel like maybe there's because I don't want to kink

1100
00:52:27,400 --> 00:52:29,560
Speaker 1: shame at all, But maybe there's a way that you

1101
00:52:29,600 --> 00:52:32,960
Speaker 1: guys can find something sexually together that gets you guys

1102
00:52:32,960 --> 00:52:35,680
Speaker 1: off rather than him doing this this whole thing on

1103
00:52:35,760 --> 00:52:37,920
Speaker 1: in the side that's like making him excited that you

1104
00:52:37,960 --> 00:52:40,440
Speaker 1: know nothing about it. Seems like he's putting up a

1105
00:52:40,440 --> 00:52:43,160
Speaker 1: wall there, and it would be I think better for

1106
00:52:43,200 --> 00:52:45,319
Speaker 1: the relationship if you guys could just like have fun

1107
00:52:45,400 --> 00:52:48,560
Speaker 1: sexually together without anyone sneaking around. So I don't know

1108
00:52:48,600 --> 00:52:52,560
Speaker 1: if that helps, but yeah, yeah, so I think you

1109
00:52:52,560 --> 00:52:55,920
Speaker 1: should just don't let it go right now, keep unearthing

1110
00:52:56,000 --> 00:52:58,080
Speaker 1: what the get to the root of the matter on

1111
00:52:58,080 --> 00:53:00,799
Speaker 1: this one. That is what our advice is. Yeah, I mean,

1112
00:53:00,800 --> 00:53:03,440
Speaker 1: he obviously has some shame around it, or you know,

1113
00:53:03,520 --> 00:53:06,320
Speaker 1: he wouldn't feel that sort of embarrassment, So maybe having

1114
00:53:06,320 --> 00:53:09,759
Speaker 1: her to talk to about it might help a little bit.

1115
00:53:09,800 --> 00:53:11,360
Speaker 1: And maybe he also just like needs to see a

1116
00:53:11,400 --> 00:53:15,319
Speaker 1: therapist on his own to really right to get it,

1117
00:53:15,719 --> 00:53:19,640
Speaker 1: to get it sorted. Yeah, so we'll have Samantha follow

1118
00:53:19,719 --> 00:53:22,319
Speaker 1: up with us. Good look we are going to take

1119
00:53:22,320 --> 00:53:24,440
Speaker 1: a quick break so you can hear and add and

1120
00:53:24,480 --> 00:53:29,080
Speaker 1: then we'll be right back. I want to follow up

1121
00:53:29,080 --> 00:53:31,400
Speaker 1: with you, Phoebe about ANAL because I think that's an

1122
00:53:31,400 --> 00:53:35,280
Speaker 1: important thing for us to be I think it's important

1123
00:53:35,280 --> 00:53:37,840
Speaker 1: for women to talk more about it because I remember

1124
00:53:37,840 --> 00:53:39,720
Speaker 1: my girlfriend. I won't mention her name because she's pretty

1125
00:53:39,719 --> 00:53:41,960
Speaker 1: famous and she I don't know how outspoken she is

1126
00:53:41,960 --> 00:53:44,040
Speaker 1: on the subject matter, but I remember hanging out at

1127
00:53:44,080 --> 00:53:46,120
Speaker 1: her house and she was like, God, I love ANAL.

1128
00:53:46,160 --> 00:53:49,880
Speaker 1: And I remember going really, like, you love anal? And

1129
00:53:50,040 --> 00:53:52,440
Speaker 1: I don't. I like anal too. I don't have a

1130
00:53:52,440 --> 00:53:55,480
Speaker 1: problem with that. And I think it's all part of

1131
00:53:55,520 --> 00:53:59,080
Speaker 1: the same machine, especially when you're on your period and

1132
00:53:59,120 --> 00:54:01,160
Speaker 1: you don't want to do you know, and it's a

1133
00:54:01,200 --> 00:54:05,080
Speaker 1: hot mess, and and I think there's something very erotic

1134
00:54:05,239 --> 00:54:08,160
Speaker 1: about ANAL. And I feel like we all have this

1135
00:54:08,280 --> 00:54:12,959
Speaker 1: kind of dirty notion of it because why because it's

1136
00:54:13,040 --> 00:54:17,960
Speaker 1: for gay people, or because it implies what because of

1137
00:54:18,000 --> 00:54:20,799
Speaker 1: the re of its relationship to aids, like what is

1138
00:54:20,800 --> 00:54:23,080
Speaker 1: our dirt? Why do we find anal to be such

1139
00:54:23,120 --> 00:54:25,799
Speaker 1: a taboo subject for women to talk about. Yeah, I

1140
00:54:25,840 --> 00:54:28,640
Speaker 1: think it has to do with being homophobic this whole

1141
00:54:28,719 --> 00:54:32,280
Speaker 1: like you don't want to be like related to that anyway.

1142
00:54:32,440 --> 00:54:34,480
Speaker 1: And then also I think we just find a way

1143
00:54:34,520 --> 00:54:37,799
Speaker 1: to sort of make women feel bad about anything they do,

1144
00:54:38,440 --> 00:54:40,759
Speaker 1: you know, whether it's blow job, whether it's just you know,

1145
00:54:41,200 --> 00:54:44,520
Speaker 1: straight up like regular penetration through the vagina, like all

1146
00:54:44,560 --> 00:54:47,040
Speaker 1: of it, like we're always supposed to why It's like

1147
00:54:47,080 --> 00:54:50,000
Speaker 1: there's we can't win. We can't win. No, no, no,

1148
00:54:50,200 --> 00:54:52,360
Speaker 1: that's exactly right. There was so much the shame and

1149
00:54:52,440 --> 00:54:54,759
Speaker 1: master Like I grew up with shame and masturbating because

1150
00:54:54,760 --> 00:54:58,000
Speaker 1: I got caught masturbating on a jungle gym when I

1151
00:54:58,080 --> 00:55:00,759
Speaker 1: was in first or second grade. I had found out

1152
00:55:00,800 --> 00:55:03,880
Speaker 1: about the feeling. Maybe it was a little bit older,

1153
00:55:04,000 --> 00:55:07,040
Speaker 1: but anyway, I knew when you rode up and down

1154
00:55:07,280 --> 00:55:10,880
Speaker 1: those that those metal bars that held up the swing sets,

1155
00:55:11,280 --> 00:55:13,400
Speaker 1: that that robbed your vagina in a nice way, that

1156
00:55:13,480 --> 00:55:15,640
Speaker 1: eventually would be like, uh, like my teachers would have

1157
00:55:15,640 --> 00:55:17,520
Speaker 1: to come outside and get me and be like I'd

1158
00:55:17,520 --> 00:55:20,440
Speaker 1: be running those monkey bars or those those metal bars

1159
00:55:20,440 --> 00:55:23,240
Speaker 1: like for way past recess. Because I had found myself,

1160
00:55:23,280 --> 00:55:25,520
Speaker 1: I was like, oh my god. But so much shame

1161
00:55:25,640 --> 00:55:29,520
Speaker 1: came from being just yelled at on the school playground

1162
00:55:29,560 --> 00:55:31,799
Speaker 1: by my teachers that for a long time I never

1163
00:55:31,840 --> 00:55:34,080
Speaker 1: even touched my vagina, like I didn't want anything to

1164
00:55:34,120 --> 00:55:36,520
Speaker 1: do with it because of the shame. And so I

1165
00:55:36,560 --> 00:55:39,640
Speaker 1: think sometimes we get yeah, exactly, there is. If there's

1166
00:55:39,680 --> 00:55:41,560
Speaker 1: a way to shame a woman, why not same thing

1167
00:55:41,560 --> 00:55:43,400
Speaker 1: with blow jobs. The first guy I gave a blowjob to,

1168
00:55:43,480 --> 00:55:45,160
Speaker 1: I remember him putting his hand on the back of

1169
00:55:45,160 --> 00:55:48,279
Speaker 1: my head to push my head down, and I lost it,

1170
00:55:48,600 --> 00:55:50,279
Speaker 1: Like I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no,

1171
00:55:50,360 --> 00:55:52,279
Speaker 1: that's never happening. I'm never having a man do that

1172
00:55:52,320 --> 00:55:54,880
Speaker 1: to me. And now you know, I do. You know,

1173
00:55:55,080 --> 00:55:57,400
Speaker 1: I feel completely fine giving blow jobs because I'm in

1174
00:55:57,440 --> 00:55:59,080
Speaker 1: love with somebody who does respect me and I don't

1175
00:55:59,120 --> 00:56:01,719
Speaker 1: have to worry about that. So there is like I'm

1176
00:56:01,760 --> 00:56:04,520
Speaker 1: definitely having a sexual awakening in my four days for

1177
00:56:05,640 --> 00:56:08,000
Speaker 1: because I'm so much more comfortable with all of this

1178
00:56:08,080 --> 00:56:10,520
Speaker 1: stuff and talking about it. Even though I used to

1179
00:56:10,560 --> 00:56:13,919
Speaker 1: be very promiscuous and outspoken about it, it wasn't about

1180
00:56:13,960 --> 00:56:16,480
Speaker 1: being intimate, you know what I mean. So there is

1181
00:56:16,520 --> 00:56:18,960
Speaker 1: some there's a lot of value that comes with your

1182
00:56:19,040 --> 00:56:22,520
Speaker 1: ownership over your own intimacy. Yeah, and just talking and

1183
00:56:22,560 --> 00:56:24,840
Speaker 1: communicating with your partner about what you like, but you

1184
00:56:24,920 --> 00:56:28,279
Speaker 1: don't like what you're sort of like interested in, but

1185
00:56:28,400 --> 00:56:30,800
Speaker 1: you've been too scared to admit it. Like all that

1186
00:56:30,800 --> 00:56:33,839
Speaker 1: stuff is only gonna make sex better and more exciting

1187
00:56:34,000 --> 00:56:35,840
Speaker 1: and you're gonna feel more comfortable with yourself. So I

1188
00:56:35,880 --> 00:56:38,400
Speaker 1: think we've got to just like open the floodgates and

1189
00:56:38,440 --> 00:56:41,120
Speaker 1: talk about it all. And when did you become When

1190
00:56:41,160 --> 00:56:43,879
Speaker 1: do you feel like you became your most comfortable self

1191
00:56:43,960 --> 00:56:47,520
Speaker 1: with your sexuality? I think it's probably with my with

1192
00:56:47,600 --> 00:56:50,000
Speaker 1: my Bay with British bake Off, that's his code name.

1193
00:56:50,040 --> 00:56:53,440
Speaker 1: I just feel like he there's just like an openness

1194
00:56:53,440 --> 00:56:56,120
Speaker 1: and a vulnerability with him too, So it just feels

1195
00:56:56,120 --> 00:56:58,319
Speaker 1: like a safe space where we could say whatever, we

1196
00:56:58,360 --> 00:57:01,440
Speaker 1: can try whatever we want to try, and it's totally fine,

1197
00:57:01,600 --> 00:57:05,719
Speaker 1: and there's no word like, oh my gosh, you're gonna

1198
00:57:05,760 --> 00:57:09,120
Speaker 1: think I'm like whatever, you know what I mean, because

1199
00:57:09,160 --> 00:57:12,160
Speaker 1: I think just growing up, you're sort of the notion

1200
00:57:12,239 --> 00:57:15,560
Speaker 1: is that we're all supposed to be very like Chase

1201
00:57:15,760 --> 00:57:17,520
Speaker 1: right and like not have that much sex at all,

1202
00:57:17,560 --> 00:57:19,600
Speaker 1: but we're supposed to know how to do every single

1203
00:57:19,720 --> 00:57:22,600
Speaker 1: position and have such a mastery over it, and none

1204
00:57:22,640 --> 00:57:24,760
Speaker 1: of it makes sense, and so I feel like with him,

1205
00:57:24,880 --> 00:57:27,240
Speaker 1: we could definitely have the moments where we're like in

1206
00:57:27,320 --> 00:57:29,720
Speaker 1: the zone is really hot and like animalistic, and there's

1207
00:57:29,760 --> 00:57:31,680
Speaker 1: also moments where it's like we're trying to be sexy

1208
00:57:31,720 --> 00:57:34,120
Speaker 1: and we like mess up, we end up just like laughing,

1209
00:57:34,120 --> 00:57:35,800
Speaker 1: and then we get right back into And I think

1210
00:57:35,840 --> 00:57:37,920
Speaker 1: that's hard to find. And when you find that person,

1211
00:57:38,560 --> 00:57:41,040
Speaker 1: it just brings all your walls down. It brings all

1212
00:57:41,040 --> 00:57:43,640
Speaker 1: your walls down. And the more comfortable you are with yourself,

1213
00:57:43,720 --> 00:57:46,760
Speaker 1: the more comfortable your partner is, right because you it's

1214
00:57:46,800 --> 00:57:48,720
Speaker 1: it's just an energy that you give off. It's like

1215
00:57:48,760 --> 00:57:50,760
Speaker 1: when you're nervous, you know, you can make other people

1216
00:57:50,800 --> 00:57:54,040
Speaker 1: nervous around you. And so the more in touch you

1217
00:57:54,080 --> 00:57:55,960
Speaker 1: can get and the more grounded you can get with

1218
00:57:56,000 --> 00:57:59,160
Speaker 1: your own vibes, I think is is an important tool

1219
00:57:59,400 --> 00:58:03,200
Speaker 1: in ground your you and your partner. Sex Lives, sex Life,

1220
00:58:03,480 --> 00:58:10,120
Speaker 1: sex Lives, sex Lives, sex Lives and video tape anyway, Katherine,

1221
00:58:10,160 --> 00:58:12,560
Speaker 1: do you have anything to add on your sexuality, I

1222
00:58:12,600 --> 00:58:16,400
Speaker 1: mean just that it changes. I've been with my we've

1223
00:58:16,440 --> 00:58:19,240
Speaker 1: been married for thirteen years. My husband and I and

1224
00:58:19,480 --> 00:58:21,680
Speaker 1: I mean really even in like the last five years,

1225
00:58:21,680 --> 00:58:24,120
Speaker 1: Like there's still surprises that happened. You're like, oh, this

1226
00:58:24,200 --> 00:58:27,840
Speaker 1: is what we like now. It's fun how it continues

1227
00:58:27,880 --> 00:58:30,600
Speaker 1: to evolve. But that really depends on being open, like

1228
00:58:30,640 --> 00:58:33,000
Speaker 1: you said, like trying new things, just try it. If

1229
00:58:33,000 --> 00:58:35,040
Speaker 1: you don't like it, move on to something else. But

1230
00:58:35,160 --> 00:58:37,440
Speaker 1: having that partner that you trust and you can just

1231
00:58:37,480 --> 00:58:40,439
Speaker 1: like have a good time with laugh, you know, make

1232
00:58:40,480 --> 00:58:43,200
Speaker 1: fart jokes in the middle, like yeah, and it's always

1233
00:58:43,240 --> 00:58:45,840
Speaker 1: good to say, like to push the boundaries a little bit,

1234
00:58:45,880 --> 00:58:48,160
Speaker 1: like if that's something you're interested in, or if you

1235
00:58:48,200 --> 00:58:50,520
Speaker 1: want to talk a little dirtier, or if you're interested

1236
00:58:50,560 --> 00:58:53,320
Speaker 1: in having a threesome, like talking about that stuff, you're

1237
00:58:53,320 --> 00:58:55,760
Speaker 1: gonna be surprised, Like some people are so embarrassed. I

1238
00:58:55,760 --> 00:58:57,840
Speaker 1: know I was for a long time to talk about

1239
00:58:57,880 --> 00:59:01,120
Speaker 1: what my actual desires were, but but because I didn't

1240
00:59:01,120 --> 00:59:03,600
Speaker 1: want them to be like, oh, put off or emasculated

1241
00:59:03,680 --> 00:59:06,400
Speaker 1: or whatever. And then it's like, you know, the response

1242
00:59:06,520 --> 00:59:09,920
Speaker 1: usually is in kind, like you know, you'd be surprised

1243
00:59:09,960 --> 00:59:11,720
Speaker 1: what you're going to find out about your partner when

1244
00:59:11,720 --> 00:59:15,600
Speaker 1: you're really honest with yourself and with them. Yeah, maybe

1245
00:59:15,600 --> 00:59:18,040
Speaker 1: before you go, did you want to ask Chelsea for

1246
00:59:18,080 --> 00:59:21,760
Speaker 1: a piece of advice as well. Oh Chelsea, Okay. So

1247
00:59:22,120 --> 00:59:25,800
Speaker 1: I am thirty seven. A lot of my girlfriends are

1248
00:59:25,880 --> 00:59:27,640
Speaker 1: my same age, a little bit older. A lot of

1249
00:59:27,640 --> 00:59:30,840
Speaker 1: them are having kids, and I have made the choice

1250
00:59:30,880 --> 00:59:33,960
Speaker 1: to be voluntarily child free, which I'm very happy about.

1251
00:59:34,160 --> 00:59:37,800
Speaker 1: But when you don't have kids and your friends have kids,

1252
00:59:37,800 --> 00:59:42,600
Speaker 1: like your relationships and your friendships change, and so sometimes

1253
00:59:42,640 --> 00:59:45,240
Speaker 1: I'm like, ship, I don't want to bother my friend.

1254
00:59:45,440 --> 00:59:47,960
Speaker 1: I reached out to them to hang out, and am

1255
00:59:47,960 --> 00:59:49,919
Speaker 1: I like not important enough? Like I just don't know

1256
00:59:50,000 --> 00:59:53,920
Speaker 1: how to like navigate these friendships as they change. Or

1257
00:59:53,920 --> 00:59:56,280
Speaker 1: should I just find new friends who don't want to

1258
00:59:56,280 --> 00:59:58,360
Speaker 1: have kids either, and then we can hang out together.

1259
00:59:58,360 --> 01:00:00,840
Speaker 1: I'm just trying to figure out, like what's the new

1260
01:00:00,880 --> 01:00:04,000
Speaker 1: normal and all this happening under COVID, where everything is

1261
01:00:04,480 --> 01:00:07,160
Speaker 1: just socialization has changed in general, I just don't know

1262
01:00:07,640 --> 01:00:10,640
Speaker 1: where my place fits in. Yeah, I think I think,

1263
01:00:10,680 --> 01:00:12,440
Speaker 1: first of all, it's always nice to be making new

1264
01:00:12,480 --> 01:00:14,520
Speaker 1: friends with whatever stage of life you're in, you know,

1265
01:00:14,640 --> 01:00:17,280
Speaker 1: Like I just was living in Whistler last year for

1266
01:00:17,400 --> 01:00:20,479
Speaker 1: three months, and I made a group of girlfriends because

1267
01:00:20,480 --> 01:00:22,960
Speaker 1: I was there by myself. I couldn't bring my family

1268
01:00:23,040 --> 01:00:25,240
Speaker 1: or my friends because of COVID, so I had to

1269
01:00:25,280 --> 01:00:26,720
Speaker 1: make new friends and it was just one of the

1270
01:00:26,720 --> 01:00:29,920
Speaker 1: most like joyous times of my life because I had

1271
01:00:29,960 --> 01:00:32,560
Speaker 1: never had to make friends, you know, I hadn't been

1272
01:00:32,560 --> 01:00:34,439
Speaker 1: in a situation where I was just like I didn't

1273
01:00:34,440 --> 01:00:36,000
Speaker 1: know anybody, and I just had to be like a

1274
01:00:36,040 --> 01:00:39,120
Speaker 1: local yokel and I loved it. So a you're gonna

1275
01:00:39,160 --> 01:00:41,720
Speaker 1: be always making friends and being open to that is good.

1276
01:00:41,760 --> 01:00:44,200
Speaker 1: I mean, you seem like you're pretty well rounded, so

1277
01:00:44,200 --> 01:00:46,960
Speaker 1: you're going to be open to meeting people anyway. And

1278
01:00:47,040 --> 01:00:49,000
Speaker 1: with your job, you're always going to be meeting people.

1279
01:00:49,120 --> 01:00:51,680
Speaker 1: So being in this industry, there's always people coming in

1280
01:00:51,720 --> 01:00:53,920
Speaker 1: and out. But the other thing is is like, you know,

1281
01:00:54,000 --> 01:00:56,680
Speaker 1: when my friends have kids and they're important to me,

1282
01:00:56,920 --> 01:00:59,120
Speaker 1: I just make sure that I show up at their house,

1283
01:00:59,200 --> 01:01:01,320
Speaker 1: you know, Like I show up so that they're not

1284
01:01:01,400 --> 01:01:03,000
Speaker 1: having to go out of their way to meet up

1285
01:01:03,040 --> 01:01:05,320
Speaker 1: with me. Like I'll go over there, have a coffee,

1286
01:01:05,480 --> 01:01:07,720
Speaker 1: have a drink, hang out with them, hang out with

1287
01:01:07,760 --> 01:01:09,480
Speaker 1: their kids in the background, or if their kids are

1288
01:01:09,480 --> 01:01:11,080
Speaker 1: cool enough, I'll hang out with their kids too. But

1289
01:01:11,320 --> 01:01:12,920
Speaker 1: there's a lot of people in my life that have

1290
01:01:13,400 --> 01:01:17,000
Speaker 1: babies or or small children, and I always prioritize those

1291
01:01:17,000 --> 01:01:19,400
Speaker 1: people and make sure that that I know that I

1292
01:01:19,440 --> 01:01:20,919
Speaker 1: have to go to them, you know what I mean.

1293
01:01:21,360 --> 01:01:24,240
Speaker 1: And you know I don't love children or anything I mean,

1294
01:01:24,680 --> 01:01:27,720
Speaker 1: but I love my friends children enough to be able

1295
01:01:27,760 --> 01:01:30,760
Speaker 1: to like be present in their lives and understand that

1296
01:01:30,840 --> 01:01:33,800
Speaker 1: like the first eight or nine years of having a

1297
01:01:33,880 --> 01:01:36,880
Speaker 1: child is like somebody is in a completely different situation.

1298
01:01:37,400 --> 01:01:40,840
Speaker 1: I have the leisure and license to be able to

1299
01:01:40,880 --> 01:01:42,880
Speaker 1: pop over there more easily than they can do it.

1300
01:01:43,240 --> 01:01:45,360
Speaker 1: So in those times, I think it's really important to

1301
01:01:45,360 --> 01:01:48,680
Speaker 1: show up for your friends in those ways. It's not mandatory,

1302
01:01:48,720 --> 01:01:50,800
Speaker 1: but it is a nice thing to do out of friendship,

1303
01:01:50,840 --> 01:01:52,520
Speaker 1: to be like, hey, you know, you've got a new born.

1304
01:01:52,560 --> 01:01:54,640
Speaker 1: You're dealing with this, And then you know, if you

1305
01:01:54,680 --> 01:01:56,600
Speaker 1: have the type of friend that all they can do

1306
01:01:56,720 --> 01:01:58,680
Speaker 1: is talk about their child and want to be with

1307
01:01:58,720 --> 01:02:01,000
Speaker 1: their child all the time and everything's about the child,

1308
01:02:01,160 --> 01:02:03,439
Speaker 1: that doesn't work for me. If you have the type

1309
01:02:03,440 --> 01:02:05,480
Speaker 1: of friend that can separate the two and have a

1310
01:02:05,520 --> 01:02:07,920
Speaker 1: life that's independent of the child and still as like

1311
01:02:08,200 --> 01:02:11,800
Speaker 1: a woman who's your friend, who's interested in talking about

1312
01:02:12,160 --> 01:02:16,280
Speaker 1: world issues, or gossiping or whatever floats your boat. Then

1313
01:02:16,400 --> 01:02:18,800
Speaker 1: you know you can still honor that in certain ways too.

1314
01:02:19,200 --> 01:02:22,160
Speaker 1: But yeah, people who are completely consumed by their children

1315
01:02:22,400 --> 01:02:25,200
Speaker 1: I have a hard time with because that's not my life,

1316
01:02:25,240 --> 01:02:27,800
Speaker 1: that's your life, and now we're not sharing. Yeah, and

1317
01:02:27,840 --> 01:02:30,720
Speaker 1: then sometimes it just feels like, because I'm not a mom,

1318
01:02:31,680 --> 01:02:34,040
Speaker 1: I'm constantly hey, how's it going? Is anything you need

1319
01:02:34,120 --> 01:02:36,120
Speaker 1: for me? You just feel like sometimes you don't get

1320
01:02:36,160 --> 01:02:39,000
Speaker 1: that back. But maybe that's just an expectation that I

1321
01:02:39,040 --> 01:02:42,000
Speaker 1: shouldn't have, you know, I think it's unfair. I think

1322
01:02:42,000 --> 01:02:43,920
Speaker 1: when people are really in the throes of it, we

1323
01:02:43,960 --> 01:02:46,200
Speaker 1: should cut them a little slack and when they're parenting,

1324
01:02:46,240 --> 01:02:49,360
Speaker 1: because look at how we don't have, like we don't

1325
01:02:49,440 --> 01:02:51,440
Speaker 1: have those times, you know, we don't have to do that.

1326
01:02:51,480 --> 01:02:54,400
Speaker 1: So what's our excuse? What's keeping us from showing up

1327
01:02:54,440 --> 01:02:56,240
Speaker 1: a little bit extra for our friends when they're in

1328
01:02:56,280 --> 01:02:58,959
Speaker 1: that moment, right They're they're looking at us like, fuck,

1329
01:02:59,040 --> 01:03:01,600
Speaker 1: she's singles, she can't have come over here? What is

1330
01:03:01,600 --> 01:03:04,160
Speaker 1: she doing? She's got a drink all day. It's like, yeah,

1331
01:03:04,200 --> 01:03:06,960
Speaker 1: I have responsibilities to know. I could totally come over

1332
01:03:07,000 --> 01:03:09,640
Speaker 1: and hang out there for a couple of hours and

1333
01:03:09,720 --> 01:03:11,760
Speaker 1: that goes a long way. You know, spending time with

1334
01:03:11,800 --> 01:03:14,280
Speaker 1: people in their homes when their kids are around is

1335
01:03:14,320 --> 01:03:17,280
Speaker 1: a very great way to spend time with somebody. You know,

1336
01:03:17,320 --> 01:03:20,120
Speaker 1: when you grew up in your family was like watching

1337
01:03:20,160 --> 01:03:23,600
Speaker 1: TV doing nothing and that that's those are the most

1338
01:03:23,640 --> 01:03:26,360
Speaker 1: comfortable moments when you're all just together in a house.

1339
01:03:26,600 --> 01:03:30,040
Speaker 1: So it kind of takes Also, it lessens the pressure

1340
01:03:30,480 --> 01:03:33,840
Speaker 1: of having an incredible time. You know, you swing by,

1341
01:03:33,960 --> 01:03:36,120
Speaker 1: you show your face, it goes a long way. You

1342
01:03:36,160 --> 01:03:38,920
Speaker 1: have a coffee or have a cocktail or smoke a doobie,

1343
01:03:38,920 --> 01:03:42,360
Speaker 1: whatever you're into, and it kind of brightens their day.

1344
01:03:42,400 --> 01:03:44,200
Speaker 1: That's how I feel when I go to my friend's

1345
01:03:44,240 --> 01:03:45,760
Speaker 1: house who have kids, I'm like, okay, it's time to

1346
01:03:45,800 --> 01:03:49,360
Speaker 1: go bright in their day. Oh I love that. Okay,

1347
01:03:49,400 --> 01:03:52,520
Speaker 1: that's great. I'm gonna do more of that. Great. We're

1348
01:03:52,560 --> 01:03:58,080
Speaker 1: going out with a bang. Thank you, Phoebe for being

1349
01:03:58,080 --> 01:04:00,919
Speaker 1: here today. It was such a pleasure. So hanging out

1350
01:04:00,960 --> 01:04:03,680
Speaker 1: with you and talking to you, this has been so fun.

1351
01:04:03,800 --> 01:04:05,840
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna like fangirl over you, but this is

1352
01:04:06,040 --> 01:04:08,000
Speaker 1: really cool. So thank you so much for Famia. Well,

1353
01:04:08,040 --> 01:04:09,800
Speaker 1: thank you, thank you, and make sure, you guys. You

1354
01:04:09,800 --> 01:04:13,440
Speaker 1: can check out her HBO Max special sorry Harriet Tubman,

1355
01:04:13,880 --> 01:04:16,400
Speaker 1: and you can check out her latest book, which is

1356
01:04:16,520 --> 01:04:18,880
Speaker 1: Please Don't sit on my bed with your outside clothes.

1357
01:04:19,400 --> 01:04:23,080
Speaker 1: That's correct. Boom okay. With regard to my stand up

1358
01:04:23,120 --> 01:04:26,400
Speaker 1: you guys, I have added thirty cities. We've added Des Moines.

1359
01:04:26,480 --> 01:04:30,080
Speaker 1: We've added your request people who requested Louisville, Kentucky. Guess

1360
01:04:30,080 --> 01:04:33,840
Speaker 1: fucking what I'm coming. We've added Montclair, New Jersey. We've

1361
01:04:33,880 --> 01:04:36,160
Speaker 1: added a whole slew of cities. So if you have

1362
01:04:36,320 --> 01:04:40,320
Speaker 1: not gotten your tickets yet, do it Chelsea handler dot com.

1363
01:04:40,440 --> 01:04:45,760
Speaker 1: We just announced thirty more cities, Niagara Falls. I'm talking

1364
01:04:45,760 --> 01:04:48,400
Speaker 1: to you too, so stuck on that. I'll see everybody

1365
01:04:48,480 --> 01:04:53,280
Speaker 1: on tour, loving it, vaccinated in horny. And if you

1366
01:04:53,360 --> 01:04:56,000
Speaker 1: have a question, or you and loved one have a question,

1367
01:04:56,200 --> 01:05:00,960
Speaker 1: please write into beer Chelsea project at gmail dot com