Speaker 1: Thanksgiving is just around the corner, and that means getting
Speaker 1: together with family members who you might not see ida
Speaker 1: eye with. But this Thanksgiving, Leslie Jones will come to
Speaker 1: your house and politely interject when the conversation becomes political.
Speaker 2: I'm just thinking that Roe v.
Speaker 3: Wade was finally overturned.
Speaker 4: That's the conversation you want to start right now at
Speaker 4: this table while everybody's happy during Thanksgiving, while we trying
Speaker 4: to be happy. You know what has them? Dry ass
Speaker 4: turkey and shut the.
Speaker 1: Fuck up.
Speaker 2: The way I The way I see it is your
Speaker 2: generation are all a bunch of lazy socialists.
Speaker 4: Who is you calling lazy? You can't even bring proper
Speaker 4: pie to Thanksgiving? And stop kissing the kids in the mouth.
Speaker 4: That's nasty. They don't like that.
Speaker 1: Leslie can hookle them to knowing conversations before they even begin.
Speaker 5: Try to make a ship.
Speaker 4: Try it, and now to everybody in his room that
Speaker 4: you use Nana's Wi Fi to jack off.
Speaker 1: And if that doesn't work, Leslie goes back to basis.
Speaker 3: I'll just say these transgender people, I.
Speaker 5: Just can I have some suvice.
Speaker 1: Leslie will even stop by the kids table to teach
Speaker 1: them how to shout down problematic relatives.
Speaker 4: No, no, okay, look from the diaphragm.
Speaker 1: You ready, one, two three. Talking to your family is hard.
Speaker 1: Watching Leslie Jones shut them down is easy.
Speaker 3: And I think it should be acknowledged that this dinner
Speaker 3: is taking place on Cherokee Land.
Speaker 4: Shut up, all this land is Cherokee. If we're talking
Speaker 4: about are you smell indigenous? You can't even smell it.
Speaker 2: Can't shut up?
Speaker 4: Don't agree with me?
Speaker 5: Thank you for sure?
Speaker 4: Who invited me.
Speaker 1: To this foras that they need, including.
Speaker 2: Michael. How will ozenpic effect Thanksgiving this year?
Speaker 3: Well, it definitely comes with its own problems. If everyone
Speaker 3: in the family is eating less, that means most of
Speaker 3: the food is going to waste unless you take it
Speaker 3: to the homeless shelter. But come on, that's like a
Speaker 3: twenty minute drive.
Speaker 2: Okay, but I mean, I guess the family could just.
Speaker 3: Make less food. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's not go that far. Okay,
Speaker 3: there's actually a much better solution. Gluttonol It's a new
Speaker 3: drug that dramatically increases your appetite during the twenty four
Speaker 3: hours of Thanksgiving. You inject ozepic into your thigh. You
Speaker 3: inject gluttonol into your neck and boom your deep throating
Speaker 3: ant Aaron's fingerlings all night long.
Speaker 2: Yeah okay, but isn't that gonna help your metabolism?
Speaker 5: Oh?
Speaker 3: Yeah, big time. If only there was a drug that
Speaker 3: could fix that. Well, guess what it's called. Composo. You
Speaker 3: pop a couple of these pills up your butt, and
Speaker 3: your metabolism is even down for the day.
Speaker 2: Okay, hold on, hold on, Costa, you're putting these drugs
Speaker 2: up your butt at Thanksgiving table. Won't that wind on
Speaker 2: your family?
Speaker 5: Oh?
Speaker 3: It will, which is why you'll have to drug your family.
Speaker 3: Introducing Happy narrowl It sends everyone's oxytocin levels through the roof.
Speaker 3: Just slip a tablespoon of this in the gravy boat
Speaker 3: and let the hugging begin.
Speaker 2: Okay, Wait, isn't oxytocin the whole moone that makes people horny?
Speaker 1: Yes?
Speaker 3: Yeah, a family orgy is a possible side effect, which
Speaker 3: is why you need imre awling. Just put a few
Speaker 3: drops in your eyes and voila, you're as flaccid and
Speaker 3: dry as Grandma's brisket. Now you do have to take
Speaker 3: it at the same time as the butt pills, Otherwise
Speaker 3: you'll die.
Speaker 2: Okay, Okay, because that stalk. Okay, this is dumb, instill
Speaker 2: people taking all these drugs. Why can't they just not
Speaker 2: eat as much?
Speaker 5: Oh?
Speaker 3: Oh, I'm so sorry that some of us need a
Speaker 3: little help to eat less and then eat more and
Speaker 3: then talk to our family without having sex with them.
Speaker 2: Okay, Okay, I'm I'm sorry. Okay, I guess I just
Speaker 2: wish there was a way people could enjoy life without
Speaker 2: putting drugs into veins and up the butts.
Speaker 3: Well, there is running introducing cocaine. Cocaine is one of
Speaker 3: the look off of your wife.
Speaker 5: Welcome back.
Speaker 3: As you know, Thanksgiving is a time, a blessed time
Speaker 3: of year. We all give thanks for our families and
Speaker 3: our health and prepare to beat the set of people
Speaker 3: to go shopping. Jessica Williams has more.
Speaker 6: Black Friday is just around the corner, and it seems
Speaker 6: like everyone on television has tips for shoppers.
Speaker 3: Steals are in the back, prioritized by price.
Speaker 5: Don't buy toys, don't turn right, and.
Speaker 6: Most importantly, don't be black.
Speaker 2: Two black shoppers in just one week are accusing the
Speaker 2: department store of wrongful detainment.
Speaker 3: He was racially profiled in Macy's Harrold Square.
Speaker 7: She used her tax rebate money to buy this bag
Speaker 7: at Varney's and was then stopped by the cops.
Speaker 6: It is hard to take advantage of all the black
Speaker 6: Friday steals when you're being accused of steel.
Speaker 1: When I left the store, three blocks away from the store,
Speaker 1: four undercover cops told me that they would like to
Speaker 1: see what.
Speaker 6: I purchased, and what did your white friend say?
Speaker 5: My white friend.
Speaker 6: Everybody knows they're supposed to bring your white friend with
Speaker 6: you when you go shopping at a place like that.
Speaker 4: I should have next time, I know, to bring my
Speaker 4: white friend.
Speaker 6: Ah. So the problem is in racial profiling in stores.
Speaker 6: It's that black people had forgotten.
Speaker 2: How to shop.
Speaker 4: When they finally came up to me, I thought they
Speaker 4: were going to help me, and they didn't. They actually
Speaker 4: asked me to leave.
Speaker 6: Just because you look like a gap model doesn't mean
Speaker 6: you won't get profiled. I went into a store and
Speaker 6: asked the sales girl if I could see some jeans,
Speaker 6: and she said they're so expensive.
Speaker 2: I felt like I was a pretty woman.
Speaker 6: You thought, because you're very well put together, and that
Speaker 6: you could just go in and shop any where you want.
Speaker 3: Without getting racially profile.
Speaker 6: You don't know you're black?
Speaker 5: Right? I know? Oh?
Speaker 6: Watch how cops, cops. It's time to give black Americans
Speaker 6: my own Black Friday shopping tips. Let's start simple. When
Speaker 6: entering a store, alert everyone to your presence. Hey, everybody,
Speaker 6: my name is Jessica Williams, and I intend to buy
Speaker 6: a pack of gum. Reaching into my pocket right now
Speaker 6: to pull out money, not a gun, permission to approach.
Speaker 6: But upscale stores are the trickies. To be sure that
Speaker 6: you don't get arrested, try making friends with security. I
Speaker 6: bised some cookies.
Speaker 4: Can I go shop now?
Speaker 6: Or if that doesn't work, ask a white person to
Speaker 6: shop for you. Do you think you can buy me
Speaker 6: that wash on the display? You can totally use my
Speaker 6: credit card. All you have to do is sign my
Speaker 6: name and then just bring me that.
Speaker 5: I really don't feel comfortable doing that.
Speaker 6: Excuse me, excuse me? You look white? Can I ask
Speaker 6: you a favor?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 3: You put you much agoity too.
Speaker 6: What do you think that if I give you one
Speaker 6: hundred and forty dollars you can buy me those sunglasses
Speaker 6: in the window right there?
Speaker 2: Sure?
Speaker 6: Thank you?
Speaker 2: Hey.
Speaker 6: Finally, for a more tangible shopping experience. Hire a middle
Speaker 6: aged white lady as your personal shopper and equipper with
Speaker 6: a hidden camera inside a neck brace. Now she's ready
Speaker 6: to go.
Speaker 5: All right, we're in. Go left, your other left?
Speaker 6: Okay, hat, let's round some hats.
Speaker 7: Oh my god, would you look at this.
Speaker 6: At thet shin back?
Speaker 3: I'm not filling it?
Speaker 6: Wor are you hamdbags? Let's move on, Peggy. Oh look
Speaker 6: you found my cat.
Speaker 7: Oh Jess, this is just perfect.
Speaker 6: That's not really my style because my style is not ugly.
Speaker 3: Good call boots.
Speaker 6: I am digging those knee highs.
Speaker 7: These would look good in the club.
Speaker 6: Did you just say to club? Maybe a little makeup.
Speaker 7: My friend has more of a darker complexion.
Speaker 3: Like a deep tan.
Speaker 6: I'm black, Peggy, you can say black. Oh so that
Speaker 6: was a bust. But thankfully, when all else fails, there
Speaker 6: is one other way to avoid it in racially profiled
Speaker 6: cover your skin.
Speaker 1: Oh got it.
Speaker 5: Next week is my favorite day of the year, Black Friday.
Speaker 5: Trample a guy on a Tuesday afternoon, you get charged
Speaker 5: with assaalt, but do it in a Walmart on Black
Speaker 5: Friday you get a PS four. But this year's something
Speaker 5: about Black Friday is twisting everyone's panties.
Speaker 2: Black Friday itself is turning into an entire season. Do
Speaker 2: I hope Black Friday ends?
Speaker 3: Absolutely?
Speaker 4: I can't stand that day.
Speaker 3: The event is becoming so long.
Speaker 7: Starting Black Friday on Thanksgiving should be illegal. Black Wednesday,
Speaker 7: Great Thursday, Small business Saturday.
Speaker 5: Cyber Monday is the worst thing I've ever heard.
Speaker 3: We might as well call it Black November.
Speaker 5: What the hell are you complaining about? Oh? No, now
Speaker 5: years are on sale for a whole month. God, why
Speaker 5: have thou forsaken us? Nobody's forcing you to buy anything.
Speaker 5: You can shop, you cannot shop. You can do what
Speaker 5: we Jews do and wait until the day after Christmas
Speaker 5: when they're practically giving away.
Speaker 4: But there is.
Speaker 5: One group of people who should be complaining.
Speaker 7: What about the workers at these store?
Speaker 5: Yeah? When exactly do they get to celebrate Thanksgiving with
Speaker 5: their families?
Speaker 7: Workers are upset forced to work.
Speaker 2: They keep saying that they care about their associate. That's
Speaker 2: not the case.
Speaker 7: The daughter of a Kmart employee asking Kmart to change
Speaker 7: his Thanksgiving hours so her mom can spend the day
Speaker 7: at home with her family.
Speaker 1: I think we should all have the ability to say
Speaker 1: I don't want to work Thanksgiving.
Speaker 5: Well, personally, I'd much rather spend Thanksgiving at Kmart, helping
Speaker 5: a fat guy shove his way into a pair of
Speaker 5: crocs beats, listening to my nephew explain again how he's
Speaker 5: allergic to beats. No, you're not, Matthew. You just don't
Speaker 5: like them. Nobody does. But you've got a bed and
Speaker 5: eat them. But if this lady wants to spend Thanksgiving
Speaker 5: with her family, who can blame her? Turns out everybody.
Speaker 3: They should be happy that they have a job to
Speaker 3: work at.
Speaker 5: What's wrong with a little capitalism? Harbandy wants to open
Speaker 5: up on Thanksgiving.
Speaker 4: Richard writes to us.
Speaker 3: He says, you gotta be kidding me, lady, just go
Speaker 3: to work. You can celebrate by eating a turkey sandwich
Speaker 3: while I break.
Speaker 5: Sure, Thanksgiving is just as good eating a cold sandwich
Speaker 5: alone in the back of a Kmart. You don't even
Speaker 5: need cranberry sauce. You can season it with your tears.
Speaker 5: But this year it's not just employees getting screwed into
Speaker 5: working on Thanksgiving. It's the stores too.
Speaker 7: Yours at the Waldon Gallery, I have a tough choice
Speaker 7: this year. Open on Thanksgiving or possibly pay a lot
Speaker 7: of money in fines and penalties.
Speaker 5: Your taxing stores for observing Thanksgiving. That's the most anti
Speaker 5: American thing I've ever heard. It's like Cheria law for capitalism.
Speaker 5: Why don't you just kick George Washington in the nuts.
Speaker 5: But if no one cares when stores forced employees to
Speaker 5: work on Thanksgiving, who's going to shed a tear when
Speaker 5: mals force stores to stay open.
Speaker 7: A mall in Upstate New York is strong arming its
Speaker 7: retailers into opening on Thanksgiving.
Speaker 3: So much for the holiday spirit.
Speaker 5: So let me get this straight. You can't make a
Speaker 5: store open on Thanksgiving. It's just a poor, helpless corporation.
Speaker 5: But people punching and shut the fuck up. You can
Speaker 5: see your family in January.
Speaker 7: Get back, This one's mine. You are ready to die
Speaker 7: for this blatscreen because I am hello my shopaholics, maxinistas,
Speaker 7: maul rats, coupon clippers, bargain bitches, capitalism warriors, and sales slugs.
Speaker 7: It's the holidays and that means one thing family. No,
Speaker 7: I'm kidding, that means shopping family.
Speaker 4: What the fuck?
Speaker 7: Like many of you, I too will be going out
Speaker 7: on Black Friday, one of America's most treasured excuses to
Speaker 7: buy shit, and Black Friday seems like something that's been
Speaker 7: around forever. I mean, I can't remember a time when
Speaker 7: Black Friday didn't exist. Then again, my memory is a
Speaker 7: little fuzzy from all the head trauma from previous Black Fridays.
Speaker 7: The history of Black Friday is actually quite interesting. It
Speaker 7: started in the nineteen twenties when retail stores wanted to
Speaker 7: set a clear beginning to the Christmas shopping season, so
Speaker 7: department stores like Macy's created grand parades to signal to
Speaker 7: America it's time to start spending cash. Although back then
Speaker 7: parade balloons weren't as cute as the ones today. You know,
Speaker 7: classics like Puff the meth Field Dragon, Whimsical Drifter, Murderer,
Speaker 7: and Thick Daddy Superman. Than they were hoping to scare
Speaker 7: people to run inside the stores.
Speaker 5: I don't know.
Speaker 7: The point is, retailers depended on a big Christmas shopping season,
Speaker 7: and we're willing to do whatever it took to make
Speaker 7: it as long as possible. In fact, during the Great Depression,
Speaker 7: they even lobbied President Franklin Roosevelt to move Thanksgiving a
Speaker 7: week earlier to allow for more Christmas shopping, and after
Speaker 7: his cousin finished giving him a hand job. Fdr agreed.
Speaker 7: Eventually they moved Thanksgiving back, but the retailers got what
Speaker 7: they wanted, because over the next few decades, more and
Speaker 7: more people began their Christmas shopping the day after Thanksgiving.
Speaker 7: But the first time the day was called Black Friday
Speaker 7: was in the nineteen sixties. It was actually coined by
Speaker 7: the Philadelphia Police Department because the day brought tons of
Speaker 7: traffic and chaos, and for shopping to cause chaos in Philadelphia,
Speaker 7: it has to really be ca I once set fire
Speaker 7: to a mannequin at Azara in Philadelphia, and they didn't
Speaker 7: even kick me out at store. They just threw it
Speaker 7: in the burnt mannequin pile. Sorry. It was in the
Speaker 7: nineteen eighties that Black Friday finally went nationwide, and it
Speaker 7: was all thanks to America's obsession with the adorable little
Speaker 7: vegetable human monster hybrids known as the Cabbage Patch Kids.
Speaker 7: I got this one for three thousand dollars and I
Speaker 7: had to get punched by a lot of Grammas to
Speaker 7: get it, but it was worth it. The toys were
Speaker 7: in such high demand that it caused literal riots across America.
Speaker 7: People fought their neighbors tooth and nail to pay for
Speaker 7: some lettuce shaped plastic. But all the violence was worth
Speaker 7: it for that precious Christmas morning when their kids would
Speaker 7: open the box, see the cabbage Patch kid, and then
Speaker 7: play with the box. The Cabbage Patch Kids set the
Speaker 7: standard for all sorts of Black Friday crazes throughout the nineties,
Speaker 7: from verbies to beanie babies, to tickle me elmos to
Speaker 7: countless other toys bought by newly divorced dads trying to
Speaker 7: buy their way into their kids' hearts. By two thousand
Speaker 7: and two, nearly three quarters of all shoppers were in
Speaker 7: stores over Black Friday weekend. It was paradise for people
Speaker 7: looking for deals and robbers looking for unguarded homes. Black
Speaker 7: Friday was so successful that stores started pushing the start
Speaker 7: time back from Friday morning to Friday at midnight, and
Speaker 7: then all the way back to Thanksgiving night itself. They
Speaker 7: called the new holiday Gray Thursday, as a tribute to
Speaker 7: the moral gray area of abandoning your family on Thanksgiving
Speaker 7: to choke out a stranger for an instapot. Oh that's ready,
Speaker 7: And throughout this time, Black Friday doorbuster sales became more
Speaker 7: dangerous as consumers turned every big box store into a
Speaker 7: big octagon arena. It got so bad that in twenty eleven,
Speaker 7: you were statistically more likely to be injured in a
Speaker 7: Black Friday sale than from a shark attack, unless that
Speaker 7: shark is also at the Black Friday sale, and then
Speaker 7: it depends on whoever wants that blender more got it,
Speaker 7: But sadly, the good times and horrific injuries couldn't last forever.
Speaker 7: With the dawn of online shopping, Black Friday became less relevant,
Speaker 7: and the newer, shinier, two day, primier holiday that took
Speaker 7: its place along came Cyber Monday, an easier way to
Speaker 7: score deals while avoiding the mobs at in person stores.
Speaker 7: Just another way technology has pulled us further apart. I mean, sure,
Speaker 7: it's more convenient, but think of what we lose when
Speaker 7: we no longer have that one on one air frer
Speaker 7: to skull contact. Sad Also, in recent years, retail employees
Speaker 7: have begun pushing back on so called holiday creek, which
Speaker 7: is a term for stores expanding their holiday shopping periods
Speaker 7: into Thanksgiving. Not what happens when your weird cousin hits
Speaker 7: the eggnog too hard and tries to go fdr on
Speaker 7: your underparts. But even as its golden days are behind it,
Speaker 7: Black Friday is still an American institution, standing tall beside
Speaker 7: Thanksgiving and the super Bowl and the Purge. And now
Speaker 7: that you know its history, don't forget to keep it
Speaker 7: in perspective. Sure, saving money is great, but this season
Speaker 7: isn't about fighting some stranger at a store. It's about
Speaker 7: gathering your family and fighting with them. So happy shopping
Speaker 7: season now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta start practicing
Speaker 7: for the big day. Hey, step away from that dice in.
Speaker 7: You think I won't pull out this pin, well guess
Speaker 7: what TikTok, motherfucker