Speaker 1: We live like the people we love are going to
Speaker 1: be here forever, not because we actually believe it, but
Speaker 1: because we don't want to believe that to be true.
Speaker 1: It's not conscious, it's just how the mind works. You
Speaker 1: assume you'll call them the next week, you'll visit them
Speaker 1: next month. It's delusional optimism at its best, mixed with
Speaker 1: not wanting to even think about something that is so painful.
Speaker 1: I'm rather Dablukiah and on my podcast A Really Good Cry,
Speaker 1: we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space
Speaker 1: for raw, unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow you
Speaker 1: to tune in to learn, connect and find comfort together.
Speaker 1: Hey everyone, and welcome back to this week's episode of
Speaker 1: A Really Good Cry. Hope people had such a wonderful week.
Speaker 1: It's really sunny where I am right now, and it's
Speaker 1: honestly been so wonderful to just bask in the sunlight.
Speaker 1: It's actually so hot. Unexpectedly, the UK is never this hot,
Speaker 1: but for some reason we've got la weather in the UK.
Speaker 1: But I'm just enjoying it and trying to sit in it,
Speaker 1: you know, rather than complain about it, because that's all
Speaker 1: we do. In the UK's complain about the weather. So
Speaker 1: this week's episode is actually based on something that I
Speaker 1: am currently going through in my own life right now.
Speaker 1: Like I said, I am back in the UK, and
Speaker 1: I'm actually here for my grandma. She is a ninety
Speaker 1: one year old powerhouse and recently she got diagnosed with
Speaker 1: a cancer that she's not able to actually get treated.
Speaker 1: So if you have followed me for a while now
Speaker 1: you know how much I am absolutely obsessed with her
Speaker 1: and how deeply she has inspired me for my whole
Speaker 1: entire life, to be honest, But if this is the
Speaker 1: first time you're hearing about her, then I'm not sure
Speaker 1: how I'm going to be able to sum her up
Speaker 1: in a couple of minutes and some up just how
Speaker 1: amazing she is. But I'm going to try to give
Speaker 1: you the essence of who she is as a person.
Speaker 1: I guess the first place to really start is that
Speaker 1: she talks to God more than she speaks to humans,
Speaker 1: and that is no lie. Like I'm not even over exaggerating.
Speaker 1: She has woken up pretty much at five am, if
Speaker 1: not earlier, since I can remember, so that's at least
Speaker 1: thirty four years of her life, probably more because I'm
Speaker 1: pretty sure she started that long ago, where she sits
Speaker 1: down to pray and meditate till about nine ten am,
Speaker 1: and then again she sits down to pray at twelve
Speaker 1: o'clock in the afternoon, and then again at four pm
Speaker 1: until dinner time, and then again she sits down to
Speaker 1: pray at night before she sleeps, and then before she
Speaker 1: goes to bed. When she's actually in bed, she'll also
Speaker 1: say a little prayer to God, and she speaks to
Speaker 1: God like it's not just a prayer moment. It's not
Speaker 1: a God I'm in all of you. It is a
Speaker 1: constant conversation with God that she is having day in,
Speaker 1: day out, every single minute of the day. If she's
Speaker 1: not speaking to someone, she's speaking to God. And I
Speaker 1: just have never really experienced that. It's actually so beautiful
Speaker 1: to see someone so deeply connected to God through their practice,
Speaker 1: And honestly, I think that is what impacts the way
Speaker 1: that people feel around her. Her energy is just so dynamic.
Speaker 1: It pours out of her, not just in the words
Speaker 1: that she says, because actually most of the time she
Speaker 1: communicates in Gujarati, which is her mother tongue. She rarely
Speaker 1: speaks in English, but just in her presence. People feel
Speaker 1: so much from her. There has never been a time
Speaker 1: where someone, whether it's friends or work colleagues or people
Speaker 1: on the street that meets her or see her smile,
Speaker 1: that they don't feel this instant connection to her and
Speaker 1: don't feel some sort of peace or ease from just
Speaker 1: seeing her. And I think that speaks a massive amount
Speaker 1: about her as a person, where she doesn't even have
Speaker 1: to use words, but people feel her presence. She has
Speaker 1: always left an impression of love and kindness in pretty
Speaker 1: much every single person that she meets. She came to
Speaker 1: the UK as a refugee from Uganda, and she has
Speaker 1: worked tirelessly most of her life serving the community and teaching,
Speaker 1: and while doing that, she also served her family relentlessly,
Speaker 1: whether it's her children, to her grandchildren to her great grandchildren,
Speaker 1: and it has been with pure love and devotion throughout
Speaker 1: her life. I could go on, but I'm sure that
Speaker 1: from this you really understand just how special she is.
Speaker 1: And honestly, when I was thinking about recording this podcast,
Speaker 1: I was a little bit apprehensive, if I'm honest, to
Speaker 1: try to record it a couple of times and it
Speaker 1: just wasn't feeling right. But it's hard to share something
Speaker 1: that is so that it's so sensitive and also so intimate,
Speaker 1: and also when you're going through something rather than even
Speaker 1: in retrospection, because sometimes easier to talk about something once
Speaker 1: you've been through it. But then I realized that actually,
Speaker 1: this is why I want to speak about it right now,
Speaker 1: because I'm actually going through something that everybody in their
Speaker 1: life are going to go through. And I realize that
Speaker 1: this may not sound like a person that you're grieving
Speaker 1: right now. You may not even going through grief at
Speaker 1: all while you're listening to this episode. But I right
Speaker 1: now in my life, I'm going through living grief, which
Speaker 1: I never really thought that I would go through something
Speaker 1: like that. I always thought grief came once someone leaves,
Speaker 1: like once you end up losing somebody, that's when grief happens.
Speaker 1: But because we were given this notice where they told
Speaker 1: us that she can't get treatment and we have a
Speaker 1: certain amount of time left with her, I've gone through
Speaker 1: this process of living grief, and I've had so much
Speaker 1: time to reflect on it, and I've learnt so many
Speaker 1: unexpected life lessons throw it from this journey, and I
Speaker 1: really felt the urge to just share them with you,
Speaker 1: not because I feel like I've figured much out, but
Speaker 1: because maybe you've been here too, and maybe you're still
Speaker 1: really struggling to grieve the person that you've lost, or unfortunately,
Speaker 1: one day you probably will be here and at that time,
Speaker 1: when that time comes, I really hope that something in
Speaker 1: this podcast episode will feel like a hand to hold
Speaker 1: through that journey and hopefully help to shift your perspective
Speaker 1: for the time that you need it most. You know,
Speaker 1: one thing that was highlighted to me throughout this time
Speaker 1: is how difficult we find it to talk about grief
Speaker 1: and death. It's something that we find so difficult to discuss,
Speaker 1: but it should be something we're able to share so
Speaker 1: easily because it truly is one of the few certain
Speaker 1: things in life that will happen to us. In The Vaders,
Speaker 1: it actually says that there are four things that are
Speaker 1: certain that are going to happen to us while we
Speaker 1: are on this planet. That is old age, birth, disease,
Speaker 1: and death. And so those four things should be the
Speaker 1: things that we get we are able to talk about
Speaker 1: the most because they are the only things that are certain. Now,
Speaker 1: birth is something we're very comfortable talking about, but old
Speaker 1: age we really struggle with, and death we struggle with
Speaker 1: even more, and disease we usually try and avoid. And
Speaker 1: so I think grief actually involves all three of these.
Speaker 1: Most of the time it is old age, disease and
Speaker 1: death and three of the things that we find the
Speaker 1: hardest to talk about. My grandma is actually still here
Speaker 1: with us. She is a true soldier, and so most
Speaker 1: of this is going to be about living grief, of course,
Speaker 1: but I find living grief is something that sometimes can
Speaker 1: feel even harder because we suppress it, or we carry
Speaker 1: it quietly, or we have no idea how to manage
Speaker 1: it because we weren't expecting to have to go through that.
Speaker 1: And so, just to give you a little bit of context,
Speaker 1: when I first about my grandma's prognosis, I was actually
Speaker 1: in the US. I was in LA And to be honest,
Speaker 1: since I moved away from my family maybe eight nine,
Speaker 1: I didn't even know how many years ago, maybe ten
Speaker 1: years ago. I do not think that there has been
Speaker 1: a day where I haven't woken up with some sort
Speaker 1: of mild worry in the back of my mind, whether
Speaker 1: it's about losing someone or something happening when I'm not there.
Speaker 1: It has been something that I wake up to every
Speaker 1: single day, and to be honest, I hadn't even noticed
Speaker 1: that it was there. It became something that was so
Speaker 1: in the background, that became so normalized in my mind.
Speaker 1: And it's probably something I should have worked on a
Speaker 1: little bit earlier, but I didn't. But when I heard
Speaker 1: this news, I honestly was struggling to just function, Like
Speaker 1: my anxiety was at an all time high. I was
Speaker 1: crying in my sleep and when I was awake, and
Speaker 1: I was just really struggling to focus in my work,
Speaker 1: focus in anything else that I was doing, and not
Speaker 1: being physically present was making it really hard for me.
Speaker 1: And it was really interesting because at that point, I
Speaker 1: was honestly trying to decide should I go back or
Speaker 1: should I not? Should I go back to London to
Speaker 1: be with my grandma or should I not? What about work?
Speaker 1: What about my team? And then I realized, and I
Speaker 1: was being reminded constantly by the people around me, that
Speaker 1: what is all this for if not to be there
Speaker 1: for the people that you love in these moments, Like,
Speaker 1: how is this even a question for me? And you know,
Speaker 1: of course, for some people, there's really not a choice.
Speaker 1: It's a luxury to be able to spend have the
Speaker 1: time to spend with the people that you love in
Speaker 1: these moments, and so how could I take that for granted?
Speaker 1: And so the morning that I found out, I booked
Speaker 1: a flight for that evening and I'm in my way
Speaker 1: to London, and I have been here ever since, spending
Speaker 1: time with her, looking after her, being a care for her,
Speaker 1: and it has been the most beautiful thing. There is
Speaker 1: not one moment that I regret doing this and making
Speaker 1: that decision. And so I guess the first gift grief
Speaker 1: really gave me was perspective. It really helps you to
Speaker 1: clearly see what actually matters, what is important to you,
Speaker 1: what needs to be done. And for me, the first
Speaker 1: day of processing involved a lot of crying. I pretty
Speaker 1: much cried the entire day, no matter what someone was
Speaker 1: talking to me about or what I was doing. For
Speaker 1: some reason, it was triggering such a deep emotional response
Speaker 1: and that was just pouring tears out of my eyes.
Speaker 1: And then after I kind of had cried for hours
Speaker 1: and hours, I started to ask myself, what am I
Speaker 1: actually crying about? What part am I actually upset about?
Speaker 1: And you know, people experience grief in so many different ways,
Speaker 1: and during this time experienced so many different things. For
Speaker 1: some people, it's a regret of the past, which I
Speaker 1: didn't have at the time. But that's usually the case
Speaker 1: for a lot of people. But for me, if I'm honest,
Speaker 1: my mind wasn't in the past at all. It was
Speaker 1: actually more in the future. It was the future things
Speaker 1: that she might not be able to be part of,
Speaker 1: whether it's my future babies that wouldn't get to meet her,
Speaker 1: meet someone that honestly means everything to me and that
Speaker 1: has been so special to me my whole life, and
Speaker 1: that I envisioned having the opportunity to spend time with,
Speaker 1: Like that's the vision that I had every time I
Speaker 1: thought about having children, was them playing with my grandma
Speaker 1: as I was able to, Or she wouldn't get to
Speaker 1: come and visit me in La or every time I
Speaker 1: come back home, I would usually stop on the way
Speaker 1: from the airport to see her first, because she's always
Speaker 1: waiting for me and giving me a hug. Like all
Speaker 1: those little things that in my mind I envisioned my
Speaker 1: future to have with her was suddenly not going to happen,
Speaker 1: And so I realized it was actually really important for
Speaker 1: me to recognize what grief I was feeling, and for you,
Speaker 1: what grief are you feeling? Not just the feeling of
Speaker 1: overall sadness or loss, but identifying the thoughts and where
Speaker 1: they're coming from. And then it's about rewriting those stories
Speaker 1: that you've created in your mind of how life should
Speaker 1: go and understanding that that has to change and how
Speaker 1: you will adapt those stories. And once I came to
Speaker 1: that realization, I was able to break it down and
Speaker 1: really talk myself through it. So I had to think about, Okay,
Speaker 1: how will I show her in the future with the
Speaker 1: people who didn't get a chance to meet her, whether
Speaker 1: it's pictures or videos or stories that I have to
Speaker 1: remember and write down. And you know, the biggest part
Speaker 1: to all of this has been gratitude. And I know
Speaker 1: we hear that word so much, but honestly, it is
Speaker 1: a saving grace in all of this, reminding myself constantly
Speaker 1: of how lucky I was to even have a grandma
Speaker 1: for this long in my life, constantly finding my way
Speaker 1: back to gratitude for what was and what is rather
Speaker 1: than what isn't in the future, but also what a
Speaker 1: lesson in surrender lost can be. Surrendering to God's plan
Speaker 1: and detaching from trying to control the narrative, which my
Speaker 1: mind had definitely done. I'd planned it all out and
Speaker 1: so it should be that way, and you are taking
Speaker 1: this from me, and that's how I was feeling. But no,
Speaker 1: that wasn't part of her story. It was only part
Speaker 1: of mine. And there's that saying, right. If you don't
Speaker 1: choose to surrender yourself, life will force you to surrender
Speaker 1: your plans, the things that you have in your life, everything.
Speaker 1: Eventually we have to let it go and let and
Speaker 1: surrender to the fact that we are not in control
Speaker 1: of it. And grief sometimes can also be a little
Speaker 1: bit of a selfish thing. It becomes about your loss
Speaker 1: and not necessarily theirs. Because I realized once I came
Speaker 1: back home and I saw how much pain she was in,
Speaker 1: there was no part of me that would have wanted
Speaker 1: her to be alive just to fulfill my stories if
Speaker 1: it meant her living in a way that she would
Speaker 1: not want to, living with integrity and without pain and
Speaker 1: being able to get up and walk around or be
Speaker 1: able to shower herself, whatever those things were. I realized
Speaker 1: when I came back there was no part of me
Speaker 1: that thought I would come back and want her not
Speaker 1: to be here, which sounds really crazy to say, but
Speaker 1: I did realize that I would rather her not be
Speaker 1: here and not be in the pain that she was in,
Speaker 1: than be here just to fulfill the dreams that I
Speaker 1: had created or the stories I had created in my
Speaker 1: mind that involved her. So after I got past that
Speaker 1: initial twenty four hours of just distraughtness, if that's a word,
Speaker 1: this distraught state that I was in, I then realized
Speaker 1: how precious and how incredible it is that God gave
Speaker 1: us time. That God was so kind to even give
Speaker 1: us this time, to give us notice, like to give
Speaker 1: us this warning, to give us the chance and opportunity
Speaker 1: to do everything that I've ever wanted to do for her.
Speaker 1: I got that chance to do that. And also how
Speaker 1: blessed she is that she gets to prepare herself spiritually, mentally,
Speaker 1: and physically for death, and that we get to serve
Speaker 1: her through that journey. And it's been so beautiful to
Speaker 1: watch her actually, because my Mum has been such an
Speaker 1: anchor for her in that journey that she's taking. Now,
Speaker 1: you know, it talks about this in our scriptures as well,
Speaker 1: of how there is a preparation that is required when
Speaker 1: you are dying. And I know that sounds really crazy
Speaker 1: because like you won't always know when you're gonna die,
Speaker 1: But actually that saying of yolo you only live once,
Speaker 1: really actually what it means is every single day we
Speaker 1: have to realize there is chance that we could be
Speaker 1: our last. And so how can I prepare? How am
Speaker 1: I in constant preparation for that moment? So I have
Speaker 1: less attachments, So I have done all the things I
Speaker 1: want to do, So I've said all the things I
Speaker 1: want to have said so that I can, so that
Speaker 1: I've experienced the things I want to experience, and so
Speaker 1: that I have let go of all the things that
Speaker 1: I need to let go of. And it's really interesting.
Speaker 1: My mum told me this recently that a big part
Speaker 1: of that preparation is detachment and detachment from the worldly things,
Speaker 1: whether it's physical objects or whether it's attachment to people
Speaker 1: and relationships. And that doesn't mean to say that you
Speaker 1: don't love them, but you let go of the physical
Speaker 1: attachment you have to them, you can have a soul
Speaker 1: to soul connection. You can understand that you're spiritually connected,
Speaker 1: but not pining for anybody, not hankering for anyone, not
Speaker 1: trying to stay on this earth for anybody. And my
Speaker 1: mum was telling us that even in the moment when
Speaker 1: someone is passing away, like in their last moments, actually
Speaker 1: the best thing is, especially for family members, is not
Speaker 1: to even touch their body, not to keep them attached
Speaker 1: to their physical body by holding them or holding their hand,
Speaker 1: but just to be praying around them and singing meditations
Speaker 1: to them around like as they're passing. And that is
Speaker 1: actually the most beautiful thing you can do to them,
Speaker 1: because a lot of the time holding them is for
Speaker 1: us and not for them. And so my mom has
Speaker 1: been doing these beautiful prayers with her every single night.
Speaker 1: She has been sharing all the words of wisdom that
Speaker 1: are in our scriptures about the moments of death and
Speaker 1: how our minds should be thinking, and how it's constantly
Speaker 1: not why do I have this pain, but seeing it
Speaker 1: as a gift from God, or saying all I want
Speaker 1: to do is be with you, like God, any whatever
Speaker 1: the plan is, let the plan be for me to
Speaker 1: be with you. I don't want control over anything else
Speaker 1: except for that, or not control over that. But I'm
Speaker 1: not trying to control anything in my life. This is
Speaker 1: my only desire is to be with you. And it's
Speaker 1: been incredible to watch my mom, even though it's such
Speaker 1: a difficult time for her to just have full Her
Speaker 1: full focus has been I'm getting her ready for this moment.
Speaker 1: And so gratitude has definitely seriously been a savior for
Speaker 1: a spiraling mind. Gratitude is this ability to truly, not fakely,
Speaker 1: not forcefully, but truly see the blessings in the lessons
Speaker 1: and experiences that life brings us. It's believing in the
Speaker 1: magic of life and that life is happening for you,
Speaker 1: not against you, And if you so choose to adjust
Speaker 1: your vision to see that, how different life would be.
Speaker 1: How we experience life is a choice. How we perceive
Speaker 1: experiences is also a choice, And would you not rather
Speaker 1: be in that state of mind rather than seeing life
Speaker 1: as a dark place. Even when you are going through
Speaker 1: your darkest moments, you need that little glimmer or that
Speaker 1: glimpse of something hopeful, and gratitude gives you that. And
Speaker 1: so one of the other reflections that I have had
Speaker 1: during this time is how we have to become more
Speaker 1: familiar with death. And let me explain what I mean
Speaker 1: by that. You know, even if we know the theory,
Speaker 1: which we all do, that everybody dies. That is a fact.
Speaker 1: Most of us live in this illusion of immortality. We
Speaker 1: live like the people we love are going to be
Speaker 1: here forever, not because we actually believe it, but because
Speaker 1: we don't want to believe that to be true. It's
Speaker 1: not conscious, it's just how the mind works. You assume
Speaker 1: you'll call them the next week, you'll visit them next month.
Speaker 1: It's delusional optimism at its best, mixed with not wanting
Speaker 1: to even think about something that is so painful, like
Speaker 1: our body and our mind want the path of least resistance,
Speaker 1: the least pain, and so naturally, if the best way
Speaker 1: is to block something out or not believe it, we will.
Speaker 1: And I remember when Jay and I got married, and
Speaker 1: I would tell him my anxiety of losing someone and
Speaker 1: not being there when they are in pain or when
Speaker 1: something's happened to them, and he would always say to me,
Speaker 1: we have to talk about and think about this right now.
Speaker 1: Whether it's our parents, whether it's our grandparents, we have
Speaker 1: to start discussing it from now. We need to actually
Speaker 1: talk about it on a regular basis, because if we don't,
Speaker 1: when it happens, it will hit us even harder and
Speaker 1: the pain will be unbearable. So we need to start
Speaker 1: processing this and talking about it and crying about it
Speaker 1: from right now. And that changed the way that I
Speaker 1: experienced life after that. I really believe that the more
Speaker 1: you think about something, the less power it has over you,
Speaker 1: especially if it's something that you fear, and then you
Speaker 1: can start to act in ways accordingly. So I started
Speaker 1: from the moment I moved away, I started to because
Speaker 1: of this fear and anxiety that I had. I started
Speaker 1: to plan things that I want to do with family,
Speaker 1: whether it was holidays, whether it was experiences, whether it
Speaker 1: was schedule time that I spend with each person, and
Speaker 1: I kept thinking about what I wouldn't want to feel
Speaker 1: at their funeral or what regrets I may have, and
Speaker 1: then I just took action. And so as morbid as
Speaker 1: that sounds, it's actually really empowering because you no longer
Speaker 1: feel like you're waiting for something to happen to act,
Speaker 1: and that's usually what we end up doing. Something happens,
Speaker 1: then you frantically act in ways that you wouldn't normally,
Speaker 1: and you can't actually think st But if you start
Speaker 1: thinking about it from now, you have clarity, you have time,
Speaker 1: you have peace of mind to make these decisions without
Speaker 1: feeling erratic. And I remember hearing this one quote, and
Speaker 1: I don't know whether there was rather than not Swami
Speaker 1: who said this, I think it was. But fear comes
Speaker 1: from lack of knowledge, and death is a scary thing,
Speaker 1: especially when you don't know what you believe about it.
Speaker 1: And so fear coming from lack of knowledge means the
Speaker 1: more you understand death, the more you figure out what
Speaker 1: you believe about this process of death. Like for me,
Speaker 1: I believe that there are the soul is immortal, the
Speaker 1: soul continues, but the physical body changes. And having a
Speaker 1: deep faith in something can really help doing these moments
Speaker 1: as well. And there are these beautiful verses actually in
Speaker 1: the chapter two of bugwig Ghita about life after physical death.
Speaker 1: And that's why actually in our tradition they say the
Speaker 1: person left their body. They don't say they died, they
Speaker 1: say they left their body. And this verse in the
Speaker 1: bugwig Ghita, it says, just as a person puts on
Speaker 1: new garments, giving up old ones, the soul similarly accepts
Speaker 1: new material bodies, giving up the old and useless ones.
Speaker 1: So it's a verse that's helping us to realize that
Speaker 1: it is not the end, it's just a transition. And
Speaker 1: there's this other verse that says, just as the embodied
Speaker 1: soul continuously passes in this body from childhood to youth
Speaker 1: to old age, the soul similarly passes into another body
Speaker 1: at death. The wires are not deluded by this. So
Speaker 1: this verse is basically saying, just as we move through
Speaker 1: different stages in life in the same body, our body
Speaker 1: eventually moves on to a new one. It is pretty
Speaker 1: much the same. And so just as we think of
Speaker 1: going from youth to old age in the same way
Speaker 1: as we transition in that, we transition our physical bodies too.
Speaker 1: We move from body to body, planet to planet. Even
Speaker 1: I'm really not saying that you should believe this, but
Speaker 1: I do think that you need to know what you
Speaker 1: believe in, and if you don't, then spend some time
Speaker 1: reading different paths, different perspectives and see which feels right
Speaker 1: to you. And I really think it will help you
Speaker 1: in your journey in grief and not feeling as much
Speaker 1: fear about it. Azoic philosopher, and I always she has
Speaker 1: name but Epiticus. So death is nothing dreadful, but the
Speaker 1: judgment that death is dreadful. This is what is dreadful,
Speaker 1: and so it does, it creates dread in us, and
Speaker 1: so coming to a place of deep acceptance of death
Speaker 1: comes by remembering death often and understanding that it is
Speaker 1: not something to be feared, but is something to be
Speaker 1: prepared for, not as something morbid, but as a tool
Speaker 1: to really focus on what truly matters, and as a
Speaker 1: celebration of the life that we get to live every
Speaker 1: single day. The one thing that my grandma has always
Speaker 1: wanted is our family to be together. And just like
Speaker 1: most families, we of course have had our ups and
Speaker 1: downs what family hasn't, But honestly, this has brought us
Speaker 1: all together in a way nothing else ever has, and
Speaker 1: she honestly made her deep desire come to fruition through this.
Speaker 1: And it's been really interesting to observe each family member
Speaker 1: and how fear and pain can be expressed in such
Speaker 1: different ways through different people, especially you know when communication
Speaker 1: isn't there, And this time I feel my family from
Speaker 1: the start chose to lead with compassion, kindness, and understanding
Speaker 1: and have constantly reminded each other of this, and that
Speaker 1: has been such a beautiful thing to watch and I
Speaker 1: think it's so important to remember this when you go
Speaker 1: through it and whenever you do. It is hard enough
Speaker 1: as it is, and adding family tension on top of
Speaker 1: that is just such an unnecessary weight. Every single person
Speaker 1: grieves differently. Some talk more, some retreat, some keep busy,
Speaker 1: some cry openly. There is honestly no manual. Just because
Speaker 1: someone's grief doesn't look like mine or like yours, it
Speaker 1: doesn't mean they're not feeling it. And so the last
Speaker 1: thing people need is a judge judy during this time.
Speaker 1: So I encourage you to keep your heart open, be
Speaker 1: deeply compassionate at all times, and leave all that judgment
Speaker 1: at the door, because there is no space left for
Speaker 1: that amongst all the feelings that people are feeling during
Speaker 1: this time. And you know, it's actually quite common for
Speaker 1: people to sometimes panic and become possessive or aggressive in
Speaker 1: their desire to connect to the person that's leaving, and
Speaker 1: it's quite understandable. You know, they end up feeling worried
Speaker 1: that they're not going to get the time that they wanted,
Speaker 1: and so sometimes that leads to competition or possessiveness or
Speaker 1: even a sense of competition. But the fact is that
Speaker 1: every single person has a different relationship with that person,
Speaker 1: and that understanding, I think is really key during times
Speaker 1: like this, especially in a family dynamic. I have always
Speaker 1: had a role of service to my grandma like that
Speaker 1: is why it was a no brainer to me to
Speaker 1: leave everything and come and be her care and look
Speaker 1: after her day and day out, because that has always
Speaker 1: been my role with her, especially when she's been in
Speaker 1: and out of hospital over the past couple of years.
Speaker 1: That is the role that I took, and that feels
Speaker 1: most comfortable to me to look after her physically when
Speaker 1: she needs it. I actually always joke around saying that
Speaker 1: I think that she was my daughter in my past
Speaker 1: life because my heart is always pulled to care for
Speaker 1: her in that way. And then my uncle has this
Speaker 1: beautiful ability to make her laugh whenever he's with her
Speaker 1: and to bring lightness to her day. My mom looks
Speaker 1: after her spiritually. One of my cousins asks her questions
Speaker 1: and creates moments for reflection about her past for my grandma.
Speaker 1: Another cousin does her self care, which was does her
Speaker 1: nails for her, makes her feel really special, and does
Speaker 1: her hair. And there's just so many different roles unlimited
Speaker 1: roles that we can have in someone's life. And so
Speaker 1: when you get to this point, don't worry about what
Speaker 1: anybody else's relationship is with that person. It is not
Speaker 1: a competition, but it is about connection, really trying to
Speaker 1: connect deeply to that person how you want to and
Speaker 1: how you see your role being in their life and
Speaker 1: the connection that you're desiring. So don't think about what
Speaker 1: anyone else is doing. Just think about what your relationship
Speaker 1: with that person looks like. Love has so many languages,
Speaker 1: and in grief we express them in our own ways.
Speaker 1: And you know, that reminds me of something one of
Speaker 1: my family members told me when she found out the news.
Speaker 1: She hasn't necessarily had as much time with my grandma
Speaker 1: as others may have, and she said when she thought
Speaker 1: of coming back to London to see my grandma, she said,
Speaker 1: I thought people are going to be wondering why I'm
Speaker 1: coming back, because you know, I'm not really as close
Speaker 1: to her as everybody else. But I really wanted to
Speaker 1: be there and have these times with her. And she
Speaker 1: has made such beautiful gestures and memories for my bar
Speaker 1: But I'm telling you this story because she chose to come.
Speaker 1: She didn't let her thoughts of people's perceptions or the
Speaker 1: barriers that came up for her stop her from doing
Speaker 1: what she actually wanted to do. And I actually think
Speaker 1: more often than not, people choose not to and that
Speaker 1: becomes the biggest source of regret. You cannot change the past,
Speaker 1: but you can definitely make choices right now that matter.
Speaker 1: And you could change your relationships with someone within days
Speaker 1: if you want to. I have experienced this through friendship.
Speaker 1: But it's not about how long you've known someone, it's
Speaker 1: how deep that connection is, and you can do that
Speaker 1: within such a short period of time. And so her
Speaker 1: nearing absence has actually made us all so much more
Speaker 1: present than ever, and that's pretty amazing. I always hear
Speaker 1: about these stories of people holding on to grudges or
Speaker 1: stories from the past, even when someone is on their
Speaker 1: deathbed and beyond, even once they've lost that person, and
Speaker 1: it makes me so sad, not for the person that's dying,
Speaker 1: but for the person carrying that. And don't do that
Speaker 1: to yourself. If you're listening to this and you are
Speaker 1: holding on to the weight of anger or frustration or
Speaker 1: any emotion that doesn't bring you some sort of relief
Speaker 1: or joy, don't do that to yourself. There are some
Speaker 1: horrific things that have happened to people, and I can
Speaker 1: completely understand why you would hold on to it, But
Speaker 1: letting go of it doesn't make it okay. All it
Speaker 1: does is relieve you of the weight that you are
Speaker 1: carrying and holding onto that. Once that person has left,
Speaker 1: it's only affecting you, and so you have to have
Speaker 1: those difficult conversations, whether it's or the person that's still alive.
Speaker 1: We have to make the hard decision whether they've already
Speaker 1: left you and how you want to continue your life
Speaker 1: holding on to them in that way or letting go completely.
Speaker 1: And sometimes it can be a little bit of pride
Speaker 1: and eager that has to be swallowed and letting go
Speaker 1: of other people's perceptions and do what you know you
Speaker 1: need to do for that relationship, because regret is even
Speaker 1: harder when you know you could have done it but
Speaker 1: you didn't. That's when I really think it the most.
Speaker 1: It really did get me taking actions on things that
Speaker 1: I had been wanting to do for so long, Like
Speaker 1: I took all of our home videos and I sent
Speaker 1: them off to get digitalized so we can actually all
Speaker 1: watch them and have those memories and those tapes have
Speaker 1: been sitting there since I was born, and for the
Speaker 1: past few years, I've been saying I want to do it,
Speaker 1: I want to do it, but I didn't get round
Speaker 1: to it. And so all thirty of these tapes that
Speaker 1: we hadn't even watched since we recorded them, I finally
Speaker 1: got round to doing it, and I organized all the
Speaker 1: pictures that I have with my grandma over the past
Speaker 1: few years. I've also collected all these stories about her
Speaker 1: to hopefully create this illustration book that I can give
Speaker 1: to family members or the people in our life that
Speaker 1: you know in the future don't get to meet her,
Speaker 1: to really preserve her memories. And if anybody's interested. This
Speaker 1: is not an ad at all, but I actually use
Speaker 1: this platform. This one's based in the UK, but it's
Speaker 1: called Digital Converters for my home videos and it's amazing
Speaker 1: because it just goes online and you don't have to
Speaker 1: have anything physical, but you can access them whenever you want.
Speaker 1: And when I do end up making that book, I
Speaker 1: will definitely let you know what I end up using
Speaker 1: for it, because I'm really excited to create that. But
Speaker 1: I really recommend asking questions to that person become curious.
Speaker 1: I have learned so much about my grandma in the
Speaker 1: last couple of weeks that I was surprised about. And
Speaker 1: you know what, even inspired me to start asking questions
Speaker 1: to my mom and my dad because I realized I
Speaker 1: only really know them since I've been born. They had
Speaker 1: a whole life before me, and so I've had little
Speaker 1: glimpses of things. But I started asking deeper questions and
Speaker 1: it gave me so much insight into their life. It
Speaker 1: helped me to understand who they are now, but also
Speaker 1: gave me so much more gratitude for what they have
Speaker 1: given me after hearing about their story. Even if anybody
Speaker 1: isn't ill in your life, you can still start asking
Speaker 1: those questions now so that you can get to know
Speaker 1: the people that you love a little bit better. And lastly,
Speaker 1: I just want to say that you do not have
Speaker 1: to keep it together for anyone. You have to express
Speaker 1: and you need to let it out, and you need
Speaker 1: to share how you feel and it's so okay to
Speaker 1: be sad. Actually, the more you show your feelings, the
Speaker 1: more it gives permissions for others too. I really saw
Speaker 1: that through this with my family. As soon as one
Speaker 1: person broke down crying. You know, other people started sharing
Speaker 1: their emotions too, and so be honest about your feelings
Speaker 1: throughout this You'll be crying one moment and laughing the next.
Speaker 1: And I actually remember when my granddad passed away. I
Speaker 1: was younger, I think I was maybe eleven, and I
Speaker 1: felt bad because me and my cousins had these moments
Speaker 1: of laughter over something silly during the funeral, and I thought,
Speaker 1: we shouldn't We should be sad right now. We can't
Speaker 1: be laughing, we shouldn't be happy. And even now I
Speaker 1: go through so many emotions. I can be doing this
Speaker 1: podcast right now where I'm smiling, and the last two
Speaker 1: times I was trying to record it, I was crying
Speaker 1: my eyes out. And ebbs and flows throughout the day,
Speaker 1: depending on where your mind's at. But the reality is
Speaker 1: you can be two things at once. You can be
Speaker 1: trying to get on with your life while still having
Speaker 1: a person in your life that is dying. You can
Speaker 1: be holding grief in one hand and gratitude in the other.
Speaker 1: And you can be heartbroken and still laugh intensely at
Speaker 1: something that your friend said that was so funny that
Speaker 1: it made you eyes water. And I have gone through
Speaker 1: all of that in this one month that I've been here,
Speaker 1: you can feel deep sadness and still go kill your
Speaker 1: workout and also look after yourself. And so just know
Speaker 1: that there should be no guilt in still living your
Speaker 1: life and having all these other emotions. I don't think
Speaker 1: it makes sense to stay sad constantly. I don't think
Speaker 1: that's what the person would want, or I don't think
Speaker 1: that's the reality of grief either, And so allow yourself
Speaker 1: to ebb and flow through those emotions. And I mentioned
Speaker 1: looking after yourself, and also just wanted to touch on
Speaker 1: this because I've experienced a lot of physical things in
Speaker 1: my body during this time, and it always would say,
Speaker 1: I'm not stressed. I'm not stressed, And to be honest,
Speaker 1: I think my mind is quite resilient and I can
Speaker 1: handle lot of things mentally, but sometimes your physical body
Speaker 1: reacts differently. So from one of my family members, her
Speaker 1: hair started falling out. For another family member, the anxiety
Speaker 1: is at an all time high. For someone else, they've
Speaker 1: had hormonal shifts that are affecting their physical body. So
Speaker 1: it really made me realize we have to start noticing
Speaker 1: all the little things that are happening in our body
Speaker 1: and our mind during this time. So even if you're
Speaker 1: not holding stress mentally, really pay attention to your physical
Speaker 1: body too, because you really have to check in with
Speaker 1: yourself and see are really looking after yourself, because you
Speaker 1: can't look after them if you're not looking after you.
Speaker 1: And I know you hear that all the time, but
Speaker 1: I think that also helps you feel a little bit better.
Speaker 1: Like me going for my workouts and meeteing my friends randomly,
Speaker 1: like all of that has really helped me to also
Speaker 1: move through this and have a better attitude about it. Anyway,
Speaker 1: these have just been some of the thoughts that I've
Speaker 1: been journaling about over the past few weeks. And if
Speaker 1: you are listening to this, say look prayer for my
Speaker 1: grandma's onward journey, And if you are going through something
Speaker 1: similar right now, I really hope that this has helped
Speaker 1: you in some way. And I may not know their name,
Speaker 1: and I may not know who they are, but anybody
Speaker 1: that is listening to this right now, I deeply do
Speaker 1: send a prayer out to anybody going through grief, what
Speaker 1: anybody in the process of pain or suffering in their
Speaker 1: last moments, because it can be a scary time for everyone,
Speaker 1: and sending your so much love and healing energy. I
Speaker 1: know this is a really rough topic to talk about,
Speaker 1: but it is like therapy for me being able to
Speaker 1: share it, and I hope that it is also therapy
Speaker 1: for you. Sending your so much love and dm me.
Speaker 1: I would love to hear all your stories and any
Speaker 1: other recommendations that you have or experiences that you've had
Speaker 1: going through something like this.