WEBVTT - Living with Grief Before Loss – How to Find Peace During Difficult Times 0:00:00.120 --> 0:00:02.280 We live like the people we love are going to 0:00:02.320 --> 0:00:05.160 be here forever, not because we actually believe it, but 0:00:05.280 --> 0:00:08.319 because we don't want to believe that to be true. 0:00:08.440 --> 0:00:10.640 It's not conscious, it's just how the mind works. You 0:00:10.680 --> 0:00:12.799 assume you'll call them the next week, you'll visit them 0:00:12.880 --> 0:00:16.759 next month. It's delusional optimism at its best, mixed with 0:00:16.920 --> 0:00:19.600 not wanting to even think about something that is so painful. 0:00:19.720 --> 0:00:22.840 I'm rather Dablukiah and on my podcast A Really Good Cry, 0:00:23.000 --> 0:00:26.720 we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space 0:00:26.800 --> 0:00:30.880 for raw, unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow you 0:00:30.960 --> 0:00:34.320 to tune in to learn, connect and find comfort together. 0:00:34.600 --> 0:00:36.640 Hey everyone, and welcome back to this week's episode of 0:00:36.680 --> 0:00:39.519 A Really Good Cry. Hope people had such a wonderful week. 0:00:39.880 --> 0:00:42.479 It's really sunny where I am right now, and it's 0:00:42.479 --> 0:00:46.040 honestly been so wonderful to just bask in the sunlight. 0:00:46.360 --> 0:00:49.760 It's actually so hot. Unexpectedly, the UK is never this hot, 0:00:50.080 --> 0:00:53.200 but for some reason we've got la weather in the UK. 0:00:54.040 --> 0:00:56.840 But I'm just enjoying it and trying to sit in it, 0:00:56.920 --> 0:00:58.960 you know, rather than complain about it, because that's all 0:00:58.960 --> 0:01:00.760 we do. In the UK's complain about the weather. So 0:01:00.920 --> 0:01:04.080 this week's episode is actually based on something that I 0:01:04.120 --> 0:01:07.039 am currently going through in my own life right now. 0:01:07.240 --> 0:01:09.800 Like I said, I am back in the UK, and 0:01:09.840 --> 0:01:12.840 I'm actually here for my grandma. She is a ninety 0:01:12.880 --> 0:01:17.120 one year old powerhouse and recently she got diagnosed with 0:01:17.280 --> 0:01:20.280 a cancer that she's not able to actually get treated. 0:01:20.600 --> 0:01:23.000 So if you have followed me for a while now 0:01:23.280 --> 0:01:27.560 you know how much I am absolutely obsessed with her 0:01:28.080 --> 0:01:30.920 and how deeply she has inspired me for my whole 0:01:31.120 --> 0:01:33.319 entire life, to be honest, But if this is the 0:01:33.319 --> 0:01:35.319 first time you're hearing about her, then I'm not sure 0:01:35.360 --> 0:01:36.800 how I'm going to be able to sum her up 0:01:36.800 --> 0:01:39.000 in a couple of minutes and some up just how 0:01:39.040 --> 0:01:40.880 amazing she is. But I'm going to try to give 0:01:40.920 --> 0:01:43.400 you the essence of who she is as a person. 0:01:44.800 --> 0:01:47.039 I guess the first place to really start is that 0:01:47.240 --> 0:01:50.400 she talks to God more than she speaks to humans, 0:01:50.480 --> 0:01:54.200 and that is no lie. Like I'm not even over exaggerating. 0:01:54.680 --> 0:01:57.200 She has woken up pretty much at five am, if 0:01:57.240 --> 0:01:59.800 not earlier, since I can remember, so that's at least 0:02:00.040 --> 0:02:03.560 thirty four years of her life, probably more because I'm 0:02:03.600 --> 0:02:06.440 pretty sure she started that long ago, where she sits 0:02:06.480 --> 0:02:10.160 down to pray and meditate till about nine ten am, 0:02:10.400 --> 0:02:12.400 and then again she sits down to pray at twelve 0:02:12.440 --> 0:02:15.200 o'clock in the afternoon, and then again at four pm 0:02:15.400 --> 0:02:18.200 until dinner time, and then again she sits down to 0:02:18.320 --> 0:02:21.040 pray at night before she sleeps, and then before she 0:02:21.080 --> 0:02:23.600 goes to bed. When she's actually in bed, she'll also 0:02:23.680 --> 0:02:25.880 say a little prayer to God, and she speaks to 0:02:25.919 --> 0:02:28.920 God like it's not just a prayer moment. It's not 0:02:29.040 --> 0:02:32.119 a God I'm in all of you. It is a 0:02:32.160 --> 0:02:35.480 constant conversation with God that she is having day in, 0:02:35.600 --> 0:02:38.119 day out, every single minute of the day. If she's 0:02:38.160 --> 0:02:40.440 not speaking to someone, she's speaking to God. And I 0:02:40.600 --> 0:02:44.000 just have never really experienced that. It's actually so beautiful 0:02:44.040 --> 0:02:48.160 to see someone so deeply connected to God through their practice, 0:02:48.280 --> 0:02:50.880 And honestly, I think that is what impacts the way 0:02:50.880 --> 0:02:56.000 that people feel around her. Her energy is just so dynamic. 0:02:56.200 --> 0:02:58.600 It pours out of her, not just in the words 0:02:58.600 --> 0:03:00.600 that she says, because actually most of the time she 0:03:00.639 --> 0:03:04.440 communicates in Gujarati, which is her mother tongue. She rarely 0:03:04.440 --> 0:03:07.560 speaks in English, but just in her presence. People feel 0:03:07.800 --> 0:03:10.280 so much from her. There has never been a time 0:03:10.320 --> 0:03:14.200 where someone, whether it's friends or work colleagues or people 0:03:14.240 --> 0:03:16.760 on the street that meets her or see her smile, 0:03:16.840 --> 0:03:20.000 that they don't feel this instant connection to her and 0:03:20.040 --> 0:03:22.280 don't feel some sort of peace or ease from just 0:03:22.280 --> 0:03:25.799 seeing her. And I think that speaks a massive amount 0:03:26.080 --> 0:03:28.400 about her as a person, where she doesn't even have 0:03:28.480 --> 0:03:31.200 to use words, but people feel her presence. She has 0:03:31.240 --> 0:03:33.800 always left an impression of love and kindness in pretty 0:03:33.880 --> 0:03:36.520 much every single person that she meets. She came to 0:03:36.560 --> 0:03:39.320 the UK as a refugee from Uganda, and she has 0:03:39.400 --> 0:03:44.119 worked tirelessly most of her life serving the community and teaching, 0:03:44.440 --> 0:03:47.920 and while doing that, she also served her family relentlessly, 0:03:48.600 --> 0:03:52.520 whether it's her children, to her grandchildren to her great grandchildren, 0:03:52.920 --> 0:03:55.840 and it has been with pure love and devotion throughout 0:03:55.840 --> 0:03:59.080 her life. I could go on, but I'm sure that 0:03:59.160 --> 0:04:01.680 from this you really understand just how special she is. 0:04:01.960 --> 0:04:04.480 And honestly, when I was thinking about recording this podcast, 0:04:04.480 --> 0:04:06.400 I was a little bit apprehensive, if I'm honest, to 0:04:06.400 --> 0:04:09.680 try to record it a couple of times and it 0:04:09.960 --> 0:04:13.240 just wasn't feeling right. But it's hard to share something 0:04:13.280 --> 0:04:17.200 that is so that it's so sensitive and also so intimate, 0:04:17.279 --> 0:04:19.960 and also when you're going through something rather than even 0:04:20.000 --> 0:04:23.719 in retrospection, because sometimes easier to talk about something once 0:04:23.720 --> 0:04:26.480 you've been through it. But then I realized that actually, 0:04:26.560 --> 0:04:28.840 this is why I want to speak about it right now, 0:04:29.200 --> 0:04:33.640 because I'm actually going through something that everybody in their 0:04:33.680 --> 0:04:37.280 life are going to go through. And I realize that 0:04:37.360 --> 0:04:39.600 this may not sound like a person that you're grieving 0:04:39.680 --> 0:04:42.600 right now. You may not even going through grief at 0:04:42.680 --> 0:04:46.040 all while you're listening to this episode. But I right 0:04:46.080 --> 0:04:48.480 now in my life, I'm going through living grief, which 0:04:48.600 --> 0:04:51.120 I never really thought that I would go through something 0:04:51.160 --> 0:04:53.520 like that. I always thought grief came once someone leaves, 0:04:53.680 --> 0:04:57.000 like once you end up losing somebody, that's when grief happens. 0:04:57.560 --> 0:05:00.920 But because we were given this notice where they told 0:05:01.000 --> 0:05:03.120 us that she can't get treatment and we have a 0:05:03.160 --> 0:05:05.440 certain amount of time left with her, I've gone through 0:05:05.440 --> 0:05:08.000 this process of living grief, and I've had so much 0:05:08.000 --> 0:05:11.240 time to reflect on it, and I've learnt so many 0:05:11.360 --> 0:05:14.960 unexpected life lessons throw it from this journey, and I 0:05:15.000 --> 0:05:16.719 really felt the urge to just share them with you, 0:05:17.200 --> 0:05:19.800 not because I feel like I've figured much out, but 0:05:19.920 --> 0:05:22.880 because maybe you've been here too, and maybe you're still 0:05:22.960 --> 0:05:28.160 really struggling to grieve the person that you've lost, or unfortunately, 0:05:28.200 --> 0:05:31.120 one day you probably will be here and at that time, 0:05:31.279 --> 0:05:35.120 when that time comes, I really hope that something in 0:05:35.160 --> 0:05:38.520 this podcast episode will feel like a hand to hold 0:05:38.520 --> 0:05:41.880 through that journey and hopefully help to shift your perspective 0:05:42.520 --> 0:05:44.440 for the time that you need it most. You know, 0:05:44.520 --> 0:05:47.320 one thing that was highlighted to me throughout this time 0:05:47.960 --> 0:05:51.119 is how difficult we find it to talk about grief 0:05:51.160 --> 0:05:54.560 and death. It's something that we find so difficult to discuss, 0:05:54.920 --> 0:05:56.880 but it should be something we're able to share so 0:05:57.040 --> 0:06:00.360 easily because it truly is one of the few certain 0:06:00.400 --> 0:06:03.120 things in life that will happen to us. In The Vaders, 0:06:03.160 --> 0:06:05.120 it actually says that there are four things that are 0:06:05.160 --> 0:06:07.520 certain that are going to happen to us while we 0:06:07.560 --> 0:06:11.320 are on this planet. That is old age, birth, disease, 0:06:11.680 --> 0:06:15.200 and death. And so those four things should be the 0:06:15.240 --> 0:06:16.800 things that we get we are able to talk about 0:06:16.839 --> 0:06:19.440 the most because they are the only things that are certain. Now, 0:06:19.480 --> 0:06:22.560 birth is something we're very comfortable talking about, but old 0:06:22.600 --> 0:06:25.719 age we really struggle with, and death we struggle with 0:06:25.760 --> 0:06:29.040 even more, and disease we usually try and avoid. And 0:06:29.080 --> 0:06:31.760 so I think grief actually involves all three of these. 0:06:31.800 --> 0:06:34.200 Most of the time it is old age, disease and 0:06:34.279 --> 0:06:36.560 death and three of the things that we find the 0:06:36.600 --> 0:06:39.520 hardest to talk about. My grandma is actually still here 0:06:39.560 --> 0:06:42.760 with us. She is a true soldier, and so most 0:06:42.800 --> 0:06:45.880 of this is going to be about living grief, of course, 0:06:46.200 --> 0:06:49.000 but I find living grief is something that sometimes can 0:06:49.080 --> 0:06:52.320 feel even harder because we suppress it, or we carry 0:06:52.360 --> 0:06:55.000 it quietly, or we have no idea how to manage 0:06:55.040 --> 0:06:57.159 it because we weren't expecting to have to go through that. 0:06:57.680 --> 0:06:59.440 And so, just to give you a little bit of context, 0:06:59.440 --> 0:07:01.839 when I first about my grandma's prognosis, I was actually 0:07:01.839 --> 0:07:05.760 in the US. I was in LA And to be honest, 0:07:05.800 --> 0:07:09.480 since I moved away from my family maybe eight nine, 0:07:09.520 --> 0:07:10.960 I didn't even know how many years ago, maybe ten 0:07:11.040 --> 0:07:13.680 years ago. I do not think that there has been 0:07:13.720 --> 0:07:16.520 a day where I haven't woken up with some sort 0:07:16.560 --> 0:07:18.920 of mild worry in the back of my mind, whether 0:07:18.960 --> 0:07:22.080 it's about losing someone or something happening when I'm not there. 0:07:22.480 --> 0:07:24.960 It has been something that I wake up to every 0:07:25.040 --> 0:07:27.600 single day, and to be honest, I hadn't even noticed 0:07:27.600 --> 0:07:29.960 that it was there. It became something that was so 0:07:30.040 --> 0:07:32.800 in the background, that became so normalized in my mind. 0:07:33.560 --> 0:07:35.040 And it's probably something I should have worked on a 0:07:35.080 --> 0:07:38.440 little bit earlier, but I didn't. But when I heard 0:07:38.480 --> 0:07:41.360 this news, I honestly was struggling to just function, Like 0:07:41.400 --> 0:07:44.640 my anxiety was at an all time high. I was 0:07:44.680 --> 0:07:46.520 crying in my sleep and when I was awake, and 0:07:46.560 --> 0:07:50.040 I was just really struggling to focus in my work, 0:07:50.120 --> 0:07:52.920 focus in anything else that I was doing, and not 0:07:52.960 --> 0:07:55.320 being physically present was making it really hard for me. 0:07:55.760 --> 0:07:57.880 And it was really interesting because at that point, I 0:07:58.040 --> 0:08:00.480 was honestly trying to decide should I go back or 0:08:00.480 --> 0:08:02.120 should I not? Should I go back to London to 0:08:02.120 --> 0:08:04.640 be with my grandma or should I not? What about work? 0:08:04.720 --> 0:08:07.680 What about my team? And then I realized, and I 0:08:07.760 --> 0:08:10.960 was being reminded constantly by the people around me, that 0:08:11.440 --> 0:08:13.520 what is all this for if not to be there 0:08:13.640 --> 0:08:16.040 for the people that you love in these moments, Like, 0:08:16.120 --> 0:08:18.440 how is this even a question for me? And you know, 0:08:18.520 --> 0:08:21.080 of course, for some people, there's really not a choice. 0:08:21.200 --> 0:08:23.080 It's a luxury to be able to spend have the 0:08:23.120 --> 0:08:25.000 time to spend with the people that you love in 0:08:25.040 --> 0:08:28.160 these moments, and so how could I take that for granted? 0:08:28.680 --> 0:08:30.880 And so the morning that I found out, I booked 0:08:30.880 --> 0:08:33.840 a flight for that evening and I'm in my way 0:08:33.840 --> 0:08:37.800 to London, and I have been here ever since, spending 0:08:37.840 --> 0:08:41.760 time with her, looking after her, being a care for her, 0:08:41.880 --> 0:08:44.880 and it has been the most beautiful thing. There is 0:08:44.960 --> 0:08:47.839 not one moment that I regret doing this and making 0:08:47.840 --> 0:08:50.720 that decision. And so I guess the first gift grief 0:08:50.760 --> 0:08:54.680 really gave me was perspective. It really helps you to 0:08:54.800 --> 0:08:58.560 clearly see what actually matters, what is important to you, 0:08:58.760 --> 0:09:01.320 what needs to be done. And for me, the first 0:09:01.400 --> 0:09:05.000 day of processing involved a lot of crying. I pretty 0:09:05.040 --> 0:09:09.000 much cried the entire day, no matter what someone was 0:09:09.040 --> 0:09:11.800 talking to me about or what I was doing. For 0:09:11.840 --> 0:09:14.680 some reason, it was triggering such a deep emotional response 0:09:14.679 --> 0:09:17.400 and that was just pouring tears out of my eyes. 0:09:18.440 --> 0:09:20.880 And then after I kind of had cried for hours 0:09:20.880 --> 0:09:23.000 and hours, I started to ask myself, what am I 0:09:23.000 --> 0:09:26.360 actually crying about? What part am I actually upset about? 0:09:26.840 --> 0:09:29.720 And you know, people experience grief in so many different ways, 0:09:30.200 --> 0:09:32.960 and during this time experienced so many different things. For 0:09:33.040 --> 0:09:35.120 some people, it's a regret of the past, which I 0:09:35.240 --> 0:09:37.720 didn't have at the time. But that's usually the case 0:09:37.720 --> 0:09:40.240 for a lot of people. But for me, if I'm honest, 0:09:40.520 --> 0:09:42.480 my mind wasn't in the past at all. It was 0:09:42.520 --> 0:09:46.640 actually more in the future. It was the future things 0:09:46.720 --> 0:09:49.360 that she might not be able to be part of, 0:09:49.640 --> 0:09:52.280 whether it's my future babies that wouldn't get to meet her, 0:09:52.960 --> 0:09:56.640 meet someone that honestly means everything to me and that 0:09:56.679 --> 0:09:58.440 has been so special to me my whole life, and 0:09:58.480 --> 0:10:02.080 that I envisioned having the opportunity to spend time with, 0:10:02.200 --> 0:10:04.719 Like that's the vision that I had every time I 0:10:04.720 --> 0:10:07.240 thought about having children, was them playing with my grandma 0:10:07.280 --> 0:10:09.559 as I was able to, Or she wouldn't get to 0:10:09.600 --> 0:10:11.640 come and visit me in La or every time I 0:10:11.720 --> 0:10:14.040 come back home, I would usually stop on the way 0:10:14.080 --> 0:10:16.559 from the airport to see her first, because she's always 0:10:16.559 --> 0:10:19.240 waiting for me and giving me a hug. Like all 0:10:19.280 --> 0:10:23.160 those little things that in my mind I envisioned my 0:10:23.200 --> 0:10:26.480 future to have with her was suddenly not going to happen, 0:10:26.840 --> 0:10:29.640 And so I realized it was actually really important for 0:10:29.720 --> 0:10:33.160 me to recognize what grief I was feeling, and for you, 0:10:33.280 --> 0:10:35.880 what grief are you feeling? Not just the feeling of 0:10:35.920 --> 0:10:40.040 overall sadness or loss, but identifying the thoughts and where 0:10:40.040 --> 0:10:44.040 they're coming from. And then it's about rewriting those stories 0:10:44.080 --> 0:10:46.480 that you've created in your mind of how life should 0:10:46.520 --> 0:10:50.240 go and understanding that that has to change and how 0:10:50.280 --> 0:10:52.720 you will adapt those stories. And once I came to 0:10:52.760 --> 0:10:55.880 that realization, I was able to break it down and 0:10:55.920 --> 0:10:59.280 really talk myself through it. So I had to think about, Okay, 0:10:59.320 --> 0:11:01.240 how will I show her in the future with the 0:11:01.280 --> 0:11:03.720 people who didn't get a chance to meet her, whether 0:11:03.760 --> 0:11:06.720 it's pictures or videos or stories that I have to 0:11:06.760 --> 0:11:10.360 remember and write down. And you know, the biggest part 0:11:10.440 --> 0:11:12.680 to all of this has been gratitude. And I know 0:11:12.760 --> 0:11:15.400 we hear that word so much, but honestly, it is 0:11:15.440 --> 0:11:19.360 a saving grace in all of this, reminding myself constantly 0:11:19.400 --> 0:11:21.720 of how lucky I was to even have a grandma 0:11:21.880 --> 0:11:24.760 for this long in my life, constantly finding my way 0:11:24.800 --> 0:11:27.360 back to gratitude for what was and what is rather 0:11:27.400 --> 0:11:30.000 than what isn't in the future, but also what a 0:11:30.080 --> 0:11:33.760 lesson in surrender lost can be. Surrendering to God's plan 0:11:33.920 --> 0:11:37.680 and detaching from trying to control the narrative, which my 0:11:37.800 --> 0:11:40.440 mind had definitely done. I'd planned it all out and 0:11:40.480 --> 0:11:42.760 so it should be that way, and you are taking 0:11:42.800 --> 0:11:44.840 this from me, and that's how I was feeling. But no, 0:11:44.920 --> 0:11:47.280 that wasn't part of her story. It was only part 0:11:47.320 --> 0:11:50.200 of mine. And there's that saying, right. If you don't 0:11:50.280 --> 0:11:53.439 choose to surrender yourself, life will force you to surrender 0:11:53.800 --> 0:11:57.079 your plans, the things that you have in your life, everything. 0:11:58.000 --> 0:12:00.280 Eventually we have to let it go and let and 0:12:00.320 --> 0:12:02.280 surrender to the fact that we are not in control 0:12:02.320 --> 0:12:04.400 of it. And grief sometimes can also be a little 0:12:04.400 --> 0:12:07.040 bit of a selfish thing. It becomes about your loss 0:12:07.040 --> 0:12:10.080 and not necessarily theirs. Because I realized once I came 0:12:10.120 --> 0:12:12.160 back home and I saw how much pain she was in, 0:12:12.760 --> 0:12:14.559 there was no part of me that would have wanted 0:12:14.600 --> 0:12:17.559 her to be alive just to fulfill my stories if 0:12:17.600 --> 0:12:19.840 it meant her living in a way that she would 0:12:19.920 --> 0:12:24.400 not want to, living with integrity and without pain and 0:12:24.440 --> 0:12:28.200 being able to get up and walk around or be 0:12:28.280 --> 0:12:31.920 able to shower herself, whatever those things were. I realized 0:12:31.960 --> 0:12:33.280 when I came back there was no part of me 0:12:33.320 --> 0:12:35.960 that thought I would come back and want her not 0:12:36.080 --> 0:12:38.760 to be here, which sounds really crazy to say, but 0:12:39.360 --> 0:12:41.800 I did realize that I would rather her not be 0:12:41.960 --> 0:12:43.960 here and not be in the pain that she was in, 0:12:44.400 --> 0:12:47.160 than be here just to fulfill the dreams that I 0:12:47.200 --> 0:12:49.400 had created or the stories I had created in my 0:12:49.480 --> 0:12:52.520 mind that involved her. So after I got past that 0:12:52.559 --> 0:12:57.160 initial twenty four hours of just distraughtness, if that's a word, 0:12:57.280 --> 0:13:00.400 this distraught state that I was in, I then realized 0:13:01.880 --> 0:13:07.280 how precious and how incredible it is that God gave 0:13:07.360 --> 0:13:10.280 us time. That God was so kind to even give 0:13:10.400 --> 0:13:13.199 us this time, to give us notice, like to give 0:13:13.280 --> 0:13:16.240 us this warning, to give us the chance and opportunity 0:13:16.320 --> 0:13:19.160 to do everything that I've ever wanted to do for her. 0:13:19.400 --> 0:13:21.959 I got that chance to do that. And also how 0:13:21.960 --> 0:13:25.400 blessed she is that she gets to prepare herself spiritually, mentally, 0:13:25.480 --> 0:13:28.320 and physically for death, and that we get to serve 0:13:28.360 --> 0:13:31.640 her through that journey. And it's been so beautiful to 0:13:31.679 --> 0:13:34.960 watch her actually, because my Mum has been such an 0:13:35.240 --> 0:13:38.439 anchor for her in that journey that she's taking. Now, 0:13:38.800 --> 0:13:41.800 you know, it talks about this in our scriptures as well, 0:13:41.840 --> 0:13:46.199 of how there is a preparation that is required when 0:13:46.240 --> 0:13:48.160 you are dying. And I know that sounds really crazy 0:13:48.160 --> 0:13:50.240 because like you won't always know when you're gonna die, 0:13:50.320 --> 0:13:53.040 But actually that saying of yolo you only live once, 0:13:53.760 --> 0:13:58.920 really actually what it means is every single day we 0:13:59.040 --> 0:14:01.320 have to realize there is chance that we could be 0:14:01.360 --> 0:14:04.360 our last. And so how can I prepare? How am 0:14:04.360 --> 0:14:07.200 I in constant preparation for that moment? So I have 0:14:08.240 --> 0:14:11.240 less attachments, So I have done all the things I 0:14:11.280 --> 0:14:12.760 want to do, So I've said all the things I 0:14:12.800 --> 0:14:14.959 want to have said so that I can, so that 0:14:15.000 --> 0:14:18.320 I've experienced the things I want to experience, and so 0:14:18.360 --> 0:14:19.840 that I have let go of all the things that 0:14:19.880 --> 0:14:22.920 I need to let go of. And it's really interesting. 0:14:23.240 --> 0:14:25.720 My mum told me this recently that a big part 0:14:25.800 --> 0:14:30.680 of that preparation is detachment and detachment from the worldly things, 0:14:30.720 --> 0:14:35.160 whether it's physical objects or whether it's attachment to people 0:14:35.400 --> 0:14:38.000 and relationships. And that doesn't mean to say that you 0:14:38.040 --> 0:14:40.600 don't love them, but you let go of the physical 0:14:40.600 --> 0:14:42.920 attachment you have to them, you can have a soul 0:14:42.960 --> 0:14:46.000 to soul connection. You can understand that you're spiritually connected, 0:14:46.480 --> 0:14:49.960 but not pining for anybody, not hankering for anyone, not 0:14:50.240 --> 0:14:53.720 trying to stay on this earth for anybody. And my 0:14:53.800 --> 0:14:55.640 mum was telling us that even in the moment when 0:14:55.680 --> 0:14:59.000 someone is passing away, like in their last moments, actually 0:14:59.160 --> 0:15:01.800 the best thing is, especially for family members, is not 0:15:01.840 --> 0:15:04.920 to even touch their body, not to keep them attached 0:15:04.920 --> 0:15:08.240 to their physical body by holding them or holding their hand, 0:15:08.640 --> 0:15:13.160 but just to be praying around them and singing meditations 0:15:13.160 --> 0:15:15.880 to them around like as they're passing. And that is 0:15:15.880 --> 0:15:17.520 actually the most beautiful thing you can do to them, 0:15:17.520 --> 0:15:19.600 because a lot of the time holding them is for 0:15:19.720 --> 0:15:22.760 us and not for them. And so my mom has 0:15:22.800 --> 0:15:25.960 been doing these beautiful prayers with her every single night. 0:15:26.120 --> 0:15:29.040 She has been sharing all the words of wisdom that 0:15:29.080 --> 0:15:32.160 are in our scriptures about the moments of death and 0:15:32.200 --> 0:15:35.680 how our minds should be thinking, and how it's constantly 0:15:36.120 --> 0:15:38.000 not why do I have this pain, but seeing it 0:15:38.000 --> 0:15:40.520 as a gift from God, or saying all I want 0:15:40.520 --> 0:15:43.320 to do is be with you, like God, any whatever 0:15:43.360 --> 0:15:45.520 the plan is, let the plan be for me to 0:15:45.520 --> 0:15:47.720 be with you. I don't want control over anything else 0:15:47.760 --> 0:15:50.480 except for that, or not control over that. But I'm 0:15:50.480 --> 0:15:52.440 not trying to control anything in my life. This is 0:15:52.480 --> 0:15:55.560 my only desire is to be with you. And it's 0:15:55.600 --> 0:15:59.280 been incredible to watch my mom, even though it's such 0:15:59.280 --> 0:16:01.480 a difficult time for her to just have full Her 0:16:01.480 --> 0:16:04.520 full focus has been I'm getting her ready for this moment. 0:16:04.840 --> 0:16:08.640 And so gratitude has definitely seriously been a savior for 0:16:08.720 --> 0:16:13.360 a spiraling mind. Gratitude is this ability to truly, not fakely, 0:16:13.480 --> 0:16:16.720 not forcefully, but truly see the blessings in the lessons 0:16:16.760 --> 0:16:20.080 and experiences that life brings us. It's believing in the 0:16:20.120 --> 0:16:22.800 magic of life and that life is happening for you, 0:16:23.240 --> 0:16:26.840 not against you, And if you so choose to adjust 0:16:26.880 --> 0:16:30.680 your vision to see that, how different life would be. 0:16:30.960 --> 0:16:33.880 How we experience life is a choice. How we perceive 0:16:33.960 --> 0:16:37.080 experiences is also a choice, And would you not rather 0:16:37.320 --> 0:16:39.520 be in that state of mind rather than seeing life 0:16:39.600 --> 0:16:42.040 as a dark place. Even when you are going through 0:16:42.040 --> 0:16:45.320 your darkest moments, you need that little glimmer or that 0:16:45.400 --> 0:16:48.960 glimpse of something hopeful, and gratitude gives you that. And 0:16:49.000 --> 0:16:50.880 so one of the other reflections that I have had 0:16:51.000 --> 0:16:54.600 during this time is how we have to become more 0:16:54.600 --> 0:16:56.400 familiar with death. And let me explain what I mean 0:16:56.440 --> 0:16:59.120 by that. You know, even if we know the theory, 0:16:59.160 --> 0:17:01.560 which we all do, that everybody dies. That is a fact. 0:17:01.920 --> 0:17:05.120 Most of us live in this illusion of immortality. We 0:17:05.200 --> 0:17:07.280 live like the people we love are going to be 0:17:07.359 --> 0:17:11.240 here forever, not because we actually believe it, but because 0:17:11.400 --> 0:17:14.240 we don't want to believe that to be true. It's 0:17:14.280 --> 0:17:16.639 not conscious, it's just how the mind works. You assume 0:17:16.680 --> 0:17:19.359 you'll call them the next week, you'll visit them next month. 0:17:19.560 --> 0:17:23.320 It's delusional optimism at its best, mixed with not wanting 0:17:23.359 --> 0:17:26.240 to even think about something that is so painful, like 0:17:26.320 --> 0:17:28.879 our body and our mind want the path of least resistance, 0:17:29.000 --> 0:17:31.800 the least pain, and so naturally, if the best way 0:17:32.040 --> 0:17:34.720 is to block something out or not believe it, we will. 0:17:35.760 --> 0:17:38.080 And I remember when Jay and I got married, and 0:17:38.080 --> 0:17:41.600 I would tell him my anxiety of losing someone and 0:17:41.880 --> 0:17:45.000 not being there when they are in pain or when 0:17:45.600 --> 0:17:48.399 something's happened to them, and he would always say to me, 0:17:48.720 --> 0:17:51.359 we have to talk about and think about this right now. 0:17:51.800 --> 0:17:54.479 Whether it's our parents, whether it's our grandparents, we have 0:17:54.560 --> 0:17:58.560 to start discussing it from now. We need to actually 0:17:58.560 --> 0:18:00.920 talk about it on a regular basis, because if we don't, 0:18:01.280 --> 0:18:04.080 when it happens, it will hit us even harder and 0:18:04.119 --> 0:18:06.800 the pain will be unbearable. So we need to start 0:18:06.840 --> 0:18:09.680 processing this and talking about it and crying about it 0:18:09.720 --> 0:18:12.439 from right now. And that changed the way that I 0:18:12.480 --> 0:18:15.359 experienced life after that. I really believe that the more 0:18:15.400 --> 0:18:18.560 you think about something, the less power it has over you, 0:18:18.760 --> 0:18:21.320 especially if it's something that you fear, and then you 0:18:21.359 --> 0:18:24.560 can start to act in ways accordingly. So I started 0:18:25.520 --> 0:18:27.720 from the moment I moved away, I started to because 0:18:27.720 --> 0:18:29.959 of this fear and anxiety that I had. I started 0:18:29.960 --> 0:18:32.119 to plan things that I want to do with family, 0:18:32.119 --> 0:18:35.760 whether it was holidays, whether it was experiences, whether it 0:18:35.800 --> 0:18:38.399 was schedule time that I spend with each person, and 0:18:38.480 --> 0:18:40.320 I kept thinking about what I wouldn't want to feel 0:18:40.359 --> 0:18:42.919 at their funeral or what regrets I may have, and 0:18:42.960 --> 0:18:46.960 then I just took action. And so as morbid as 0:18:46.960 --> 0:18:50.280 that sounds, it's actually really empowering because you no longer 0:18:50.320 --> 0:18:52.879 feel like you're waiting for something to happen to act, 0:18:53.200 --> 0:18:55.359 and that's usually what we end up doing. Something happens, 0:18:55.359 --> 0:18:58.719 then you frantically act in ways that you wouldn't normally, 0:18:58.760 --> 0:19:01.000 and you can't actually think st But if you start 0:19:01.040 --> 0:19:04.240 thinking about it from now, you have clarity, you have time, 0:19:04.640 --> 0:19:07.560 you have peace of mind to make these decisions without 0:19:07.600 --> 0:19:11.919 feeling erratic. And I remember hearing this one quote, and 0:19:11.960 --> 0:19:13.280 I don't know whether there was rather than not Swami 0:19:13.280 --> 0:19:15.520 who said this, I think it was. But fear comes 0:19:15.560 --> 0:19:18.240 from lack of knowledge, and death is a scary thing, 0:19:18.440 --> 0:19:20.760 especially when you don't know what you believe about it. 0:19:21.359 --> 0:19:24.480 And so fear coming from lack of knowledge means the 0:19:24.480 --> 0:19:27.320 more you understand death, the more you figure out what 0:19:27.400 --> 0:19:29.879 you believe about this process of death. Like for me, 0:19:29.960 --> 0:19:32.760 I believe that there are the soul is immortal, the 0:19:32.800 --> 0:19:36.280 soul continues, but the physical body changes. And having a 0:19:36.280 --> 0:19:38.840 deep faith in something can really help doing these moments 0:19:38.880 --> 0:19:41.720 as well. And there are these beautiful verses actually in 0:19:41.760 --> 0:19:45.120 the chapter two of bugwig Ghita about life after physical death. 0:19:45.359 --> 0:19:48.040 And that's why actually in our tradition they say the 0:19:48.080 --> 0:19:50.280 person left their body. They don't say they died, they 0:19:50.320 --> 0:19:52.639 say they left their body. And this verse in the 0:19:52.640 --> 0:19:54.919 bugwig Ghita, it says, just as a person puts on 0:19:55.000 --> 0:19:58.440 new garments, giving up old ones, the soul similarly accepts 0:19:58.440 --> 0:20:01.639