1 00:00:00,120 --> 00:00:02,280 Speaker 1: We live like the people we love are going to 2 00:00:02,320 --> 00:00:05,160 Speaker 1: be here forever, not because we actually believe it, but 3 00:00:05,280 --> 00:00:08,319 Speaker 1: because we don't want to believe that to be true. 4 00:00:08,440 --> 00:00:10,640 Speaker 1: It's not conscious, it's just how the mind works. You 5 00:00:10,680 --> 00:00:12,799 Speaker 1: assume you'll call them the next week, you'll visit them 6 00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:16,759 Speaker 1: next month. It's delusional optimism at its best, mixed with 7 00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:19,600 Speaker 1: not wanting to even think about something that is so painful. 8 00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:22,840 Speaker 1: I'm rather Dablukiah and on my podcast A Really Good Cry, 9 00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:26,720 Speaker 1: we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space 10 00:00:26,800 --> 00:00:30,880 Speaker 1: for raw, unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow you 11 00:00:30,960 --> 00:00:34,320 Speaker 1: to tune in to learn, connect and find comfort together. 12 00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:36,640 Speaker 1: Hey everyone, and welcome back to this week's episode of 13 00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:39,519 Speaker 1: A Really Good Cry. Hope people had such a wonderful week. 14 00:00:39,880 --> 00:00:42,479 Speaker 1: It's really sunny where I am right now, and it's 15 00:00:42,479 --> 00:00:46,040 Speaker 1: honestly been so wonderful to just bask in the sunlight. 16 00:00:46,360 --> 00:00:49,760 Speaker 1: It's actually so hot. Unexpectedly, the UK is never this hot, 17 00:00:50,080 --> 00:00:53,200 Speaker 1: but for some reason we've got la weather in the UK. 18 00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:56,840 Speaker 1: But I'm just enjoying it and trying to sit in it, 19 00:00:56,920 --> 00:00:58,960 Speaker 1: you know, rather than complain about it, because that's all 20 00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:00,760 Speaker 1: we do. In the UK's complain about the weather. So 21 00:01:00,920 --> 00:01:04,080 Speaker 1: this week's episode is actually based on something that I 22 00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:07,039 Speaker 1: am currently going through in my own life right now. 23 00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:09,800 Speaker 1: Like I said, I am back in the UK, and 24 00:01:09,840 --> 00:01:12,840 Speaker 1: I'm actually here for my grandma. She is a ninety 25 00:01:12,880 --> 00:01:17,120 Speaker 1: one year old powerhouse and recently she got diagnosed with 26 00:01:17,280 --> 00:01:20,280 Speaker 1: a cancer that she's not able to actually get treated. 27 00:01:20,600 --> 00:01:23,000 Speaker 1: So if you have followed me for a while now 28 00:01:23,280 --> 00:01:27,560 Speaker 1: you know how much I am absolutely obsessed with her 29 00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:30,920 Speaker 1: and how deeply she has inspired me for my whole 30 00:01:31,120 --> 00:01:33,319 Speaker 1: entire life, to be honest, But if this is the 31 00:01:33,319 --> 00:01:35,319 Speaker 1: first time you're hearing about her, then I'm not sure 32 00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:36,800 Speaker 1: how I'm going to be able to sum her up 33 00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:39,000 Speaker 1: in a couple of minutes and some up just how 34 00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:40,880 Speaker 1: amazing she is. But I'm going to try to give 35 00:01:40,920 --> 00:01:43,400 Speaker 1: you the essence of who she is as a person. 36 00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:47,039 Speaker 1: I guess the first place to really start is that 37 00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:50,400 Speaker 1: she talks to God more than she speaks to humans, 38 00:01:50,480 --> 00:01:54,200 Speaker 1: and that is no lie. Like I'm not even over exaggerating. 39 00:01:54,680 --> 00:01:57,200 Speaker 1: She has woken up pretty much at five am, if 40 00:01:57,240 --> 00:01:59,800 Speaker 1: not earlier, since I can remember, so that's at least 41 00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:03,560 Speaker 1: thirty four years of her life, probably more because I'm 42 00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:06,440 Speaker 1: pretty sure she started that long ago, where she sits 43 00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:10,160 Speaker 1: down to pray and meditate till about nine ten am, 44 00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:12,400 Speaker 1: and then again she sits down to pray at twelve 45 00:02:12,440 --> 00:02:15,200 Speaker 1: o'clock in the afternoon, and then again at four pm 46 00:02:15,400 --> 00:02:18,200 Speaker 1: until dinner time, and then again she sits down to 47 00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:21,040 Speaker 1: pray at night before she sleeps, and then before she 48 00:02:21,080 --> 00:02:23,600 Speaker 1: goes to bed. When she's actually in bed, she'll also 49 00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:25,880 Speaker 1: say a little prayer to God, and she speaks to 50 00:02:25,919 --> 00:02:28,920 Speaker 1: God like it's not just a prayer moment. It's not 51 00:02:29,040 --> 00:02:32,119 Speaker 1: a God I'm in all of you. It is a 52 00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:35,480 Speaker 1: constant conversation with God that she is having day in, 53 00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:38,119 Speaker 1: day out, every single minute of the day. If she's 54 00:02:38,160 --> 00:02:40,440 Speaker 1: not speaking to someone, she's speaking to God. And I 55 00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:44,000 Speaker 1: just have never really experienced that. It's actually so beautiful 56 00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:48,160 Speaker 1: to see someone so deeply connected to God through their practice, 57 00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:50,880 Speaker 1: And honestly, I think that is what impacts the way 58 00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:56,000 Speaker 1: that people feel around her. Her energy is just so dynamic. 59 00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:58,600 Speaker 1: It pours out of her, not just in the words 60 00:02:58,600 --> 00:03:00,600 Speaker 1: that she says, because actually most of the time she 61 00:03:00,639 --> 00:03:04,440 Speaker 1: communicates in Gujarati, which is her mother tongue. She rarely 62 00:03:04,440 --> 00:03:07,560 Speaker 1: speaks in English, but just in her presence. People feel 63 00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:10,280 Speaker 1: so much from her. There has never been a time 64 00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:14,200 Speaker 1: where someone, whether it's friends or work colleagues or people 65 00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:16,760 Speaker 1: on the street that meets her or see her smile, 66 00:03:16,840 --> 00:03:20,000 Speaker 1: that they don't feel this instant connection to her and 67 00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:22,280 Speaker 1: don't feel some sort of peace or ease from just 68 00:03:22,280 --> 00:03:25,799 Speaker 1: seeing her. And I think that speaks a massive amount 69 00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:28,400 Speaker 1: about her as a person, where she doesn't even have 70 00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:31,200 Speaker 1: to use words, but people feel her presence. She has 71 00:03:31,240 --> 00:03:33,800 Speaker 1: always left an impression of love and kindness in pretty 72 00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:36,520 Speaker 1: much every single person that she meets. She came to 73 00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:39,320 Speaker 1: the UK as a refugee from Uganda, and she has 74 00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:44,119 Speaker 1: worked tirelessly most of her life serving the community and teaching, 75 00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:47,920 Speaker 1: and while doing that, she also served her family relentlessly, 76 00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:52,520 Speaker 1: whether it's her children, to her grandchildren to her great grandchildren, 77 00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:55,840 Speaker 1: and it has been with pure love and devotion throughout 78 00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:59,080 Speaker 1: her life. I could go on, but I'm sure that 79 00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:01,680 Speaker 1: from this you really understand just how special she is. 80 00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:04,480 Speaker 1: And honestly, when I was thinking about recording this podcast, 81 00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:06,400 Speaker 1: I was a little bit apprehensive, if I'm honest, to 82 00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:09,680 Speaker 1: try to record it a couple of times and it 83 00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:13,240 Speaker 1: just wasn't feeling right. But it's hard to share something 84 00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:17,200 Speaker 1: that is so that it's so sensitive and also so intimate, 85 00:04:17,279 --> 00:04:19,960 Speaker 1: and also when you're going through something rather than even 86 00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:23,719 Speaker 1: in retrospection, because sometimes easier to talk about something once 87 00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:26,480 Speaker 1: you've been through it. But then I realized that actually, 88 00:04:26,560 --> 00:04:28,840 Speaker 1: this is why I want to speak about it right now, 89 00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:33,640 Speaker 1: because I'm actually going through something that everybody in their 90 00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:37,280 Speaker 1: life are going to go through. And I realize that 91 00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:39,600 Speaker 1: this may not sound like a person that you're grieving 92 00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:42,600 Speaker 1: right now. You may not even going through grief at 93 00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:46,040 Speaker 1: all while you're listening to this episode. But I right 94 00:04:46,080 --> 00:04:48,480 Speaker 1: now in my life, I'm going through living grief, which 95 00:04:48,600 --> 00:04:51,120 Speaker 1: I never really thought that I would go through something 96 00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:53,520 Speaker 1: like that. I always thought grief came once someone leaves, 97 00:04:53,680 --> 00:04:57,000 Speaker 1: like once you end up losing somebody, that's when grief happens. 98 00:04:57,560 --> 00:05:00,920 Speaker 1: But because we were given this notice where they told 99 00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:03,120 Speaker 1: us that she can't get treatment and we have a 100 00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:05,440 Speaker 1: certain amount of time left with her, I've gone through 101 00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:08,000 Speaker 1: this process of living grief, and I've had so much 102 00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:11,240 Speaker 1: time to reflect on it, and I've learnt so many 103 00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:14,960 Speaker 1: unexpected life lessons throw it from this journey, and I 104 00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:16,719 Speaker 1: really felt the urge to just share them with you, 105 00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:19,800 Speaker 1: not because I feel like I've figured much out, but 106 00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:22,880 Speaker 1: because maybe you've been here too, and maybe you're still 107 00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:28,160 Speaker 1: really struggling to grieve the person that you've lost, or unfortunately, 108 00:05:28,200 --> 00:05:31,120 Speaker 1: one day you probably will be here and at that time, 109 00:05:31,279 --> 00:05:35,120 Speaker 1: when that time comes, I really hope that something in 110 00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:38,520 Speaker 1: this podcast episode will feel like a hand to hold 111 00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:41,880 Speaker 1: through that journey and hopefully help to shift your perspective 112 00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:44,440 Speaker 1: for the time that you need it most. You know, 113 00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:47,320 Speaker 1: one thing that was highlighted to me throughout this time 114 00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:51,119 Speaker 1: is how difficult we find it to talk about grief 115 00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:54,560 Speaker 1: and death. It's something that we find so difficult to discuss, 116 00:05:54,920 --> 00:05:56,880 Speaker 1: but it should be something we're able to share so 117 00:05:57,040 --> 00:06:00,360 Speaker 1: easily because it truly is one of the few certain 118 00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:03,120 Speaker 1: things in life that will happen to us. In The Vaders, 119 00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:05,120 Speaker 1: it actually says that there are four things that are 120 00:06:05,160 --> 00:06:07,520 Speaker 1: certain that are going to happen to us while we 121 00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:11,320 Speaker 1: are on this planet. That is old age, birth, disease, 122 00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:15,200 Speaker 1: and death. And so those four things should be the 123 00:06:15,240 --> 00:06:16,800 Speaker 1: things that we get we are able to talk about 124 00:06:16,839 --> 00:06:19,440 Speaker 1: the most because they are the only things that are certain. Now, 125 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:22,560 Speaker 1: birth is something we're very comfortable talking about, but old 126 00:06:22,600 --> 00:06:25,719 Speaker 1: age we really struggle with, and death we struggle with 127 00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:29,040 Speaker 1: even more, and disease we usually try and avoid. And 128 00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:31,760 Speaker 1: so I think grief actually involves all three of these. 129 00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:34,200 Speaker 1: Most of the time it is old age, disease and 130 00:06:34,279 --> 00:06:36,560 Speaker 1: death and three of the things that we find the 131 00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:39,520 Speaker 1: hardest to talk about. My grandma is actually still here 132 00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:42,760 Speaker 1: with us. She is a true soldier, and so most 133 00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:45,880 Speaker 1: of this is going to be about living grief, of course, 134 00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:49,000 Speaker 1: but I find living grief is something that sometimes can 135 00:06:49,080 --> 00:06:52,320 Speaker 1: feel even harder because we suppress it, or we carry 136 00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:55,000 Speaker 1: it quietly, or we have no idea how to manage 137 00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:57,159 Speaker 1: it because we weren't expecting to have to go through that. 138 00:06:57,680 --> 00:06:59,440 Speaker 1: And so, just to give you a little bit of context, 139 00:06:59,440 --> 00:07:01,839 Speaker 1: when I first about my grandma's prognosis, I was actually 140 00:07:01,839 --> 00:07:05,760 Speaker 1: in the US. I was in LA And to be honest, 141 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:09,480 Speaker 1: since I moved away from my family maybe eight nine, 142 00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:10,960 Speaker 1: I didn't even know how many years ago, maybe ten 143 00:07:11,040 --> 00:07:13,680 Speaker 1: years ago. I do not think that there has been 144 00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:16,520 Speaker 1: a day where I haven't woken up with some sort 145 00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:18,920 Speaker 1: of mild worry in the back of my mind, whether 146 00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:22,080 Speaker 1: it's about losing someone or something happening when I'm not there. 147 00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:24,960 Speaker 1: It has been something that I wake up to every 148 00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:27,600 Speaker 1: single day, and to be honest, I hadn't even noticed 149 00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:29,960 Speaker 1: that it was there. It became something that was so 150 00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:32,800 Speaker 1: in the background, that became so normalized in my mind. 151 00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:35,040 Speaker 1: And it's probably something I should have worked on a 152 00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:38,440 Speaker 1: little bit earlier, but I didn't. But when I heard 153 00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:41,360 Speaker 1: this news, I honestly was struggling to just function, Like 154 00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:44,640 Speaker 1: my anxiety was at an all time high. I was 155 00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:46,520 Speaker 1: crying in my sleep and when I was awake, and 156 00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:50,040 Speaker 1: I was just really struggling to focus in my work, 157 00:07:50,120 --> 00:07:52,920 Speaker 1: focus in anything else that I was doing, and not 158 00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:55,320 Speaker 1: being physically present was making it really hard for me. 159 00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:57,880 Speaker 1: And it was really interesting because at that point, I 160 00:07:58,040 --> 00:08:00,480 Speaker 1: was honestly trying to decide should I go back or 161 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,120 Speaker 1: should I not? Should I go back to London to 162 00:08:02,120 --> 00:08:04,640 Speaker 1: be with my grandma or should I not? What about work? 163 00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:07,680 Speaker 1: What about my team? And then I realized, and I 164 00:08:07,760 --> 00:08:10,960 Speaker 1: was being reminded constantly by the people around me, that 165 00:08:11,440 --> 00:08:13,520 Speaker 1: what is all this for if not to be there 166 00:08:13,640 --> 00:08:16,040 Speaker 1: for the people that you love in these moments, Like, 167 00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:18,440 Speaker 1: how is this even a question for me? And you know, 168 00:08:18,520 --> 00:08:21,080 Speaker 1: of course, for some people, there's really not a choice. 169 00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:23,080 Speaker 1: It's a luxury to be able to spend have the 170 00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:25,000 Speaker 1: time to spend with the people that you love in 171 00:08:25,040 --> 00:08:28,160 Speaker 1: these moments, and so how could I take that for granted? 172 00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:30,880 Speaker 1: And so the morning that I found out, I booked 173 00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:33,840 Speaker 1: a flight for that evening and I'm in my way 174 00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:37,800 Speaker 1: to London, and I have been here ever since, spending 175 00:08:37,840 --> 00:08:41,760 Speaker 1: time with her, looking after her, being a care for her, 176 00:08:41,880 --> 00:08:44,880 Speaker 1: and it has been the most beautiful thing. There is 177 00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:47,839 Speaker 1: not one moment that I regret doing this and making 178 00:08:47,840 --> 00:08:50,720 Speaker 1: that decision. And so I guess the first gift grief 179 00:08:50,760 --> 00:08:54,680 Speaker 1: really gave me was perspective. It really helps you to 180 00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:58,560 Speaker 1: clearly see what actually matters, what is important to you, 181 00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:01,320 Speaker 1: what needs to be done. And for me, the first 182 00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:05,000 Speaker 1: day of processing involved a lot of crying. I pretty 183 00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:09,000 Speaker 1: much cried the entire day, no matter what someone was 184 00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:11,800 Speaker 1: talking to me about or what I was doing. For 185 00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:14,680 Speaker 1: some reason, it was triggering such a deep emotional response 186 00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:17,400 Speaker 1: and that was just pouring tears out of my eyes. 187 00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:20,880 Speaker 1: And then after I kind of had cried for hours 188 00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:23,000 Speaker 1: and hours, I started to ask myself, what am I 189 00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:26,360 Speaker 1: actually crying about? What part am I actually upset about? 190 00:09:26,840 --> 00:09:29,720 Speaker 1: And you know, people experience grief in so many different ways, 191 00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:32,960 Speaker 1: and during this time experienced so many different things. For 192 00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:35,120 Speaker 1: some people, it's a regret of the past, which I 193 00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:37,720 Speaker 1: didn't have at the time. But that's usually the case 194 00:09:37,720 --> 00:09:40,240 Speaker 1: for a lot of people. But for me, if I'm honest, 195 00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:42,480 Speaker 1: my mind wasn't in the past at all. It was 196 00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:46,640 Speaker 1: actually more in the future. It was the future things 197 00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:49,360 Speaker 1: that she might not be able to be part of, 198 00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:52,280 Speaker 1: whether it's my future babies that wouldn't get to meet her, 199 00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:56,640 Speaker 1: meet someone that honestly means everything to me and that 200 00:09:56,679 --> 00:09:58,440 Speaker 1: has been so special to me my whole life, and 201 00:09:58,480 --> 00:10:02,080 Speaker 1: that I envisioned having the opportunity to spend time with, 202 00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:04,719 Speaker 1: Like that's the vision that I had every time I 203 00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:07,240 Speaker 1: thought about having children, was them playing with my grandma 204 00:10:07,280 --> 00:10:09,559 Speaker 1: as I was able to, Or she wouldn't get to 205 00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:11,640 Speaker 1: come and visit me in La or every time I 206 00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:14,040 Speaker 1: come back home, I would usually stop on the way 207 00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:16,559 Speaker 1: from the airport to see her first, because she's always 208 00:10:16,559 --> 00:10:19,240 Speaker 1: waiting for me and giving me a hug. Like all 209 00:10:19,280 --> 00:10:23,160 Speaker 1: those little things that in my mind I envisioned my 210 00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:26,480 Speaker 1: future to have with her was suddenly not going to happen, 211 00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:29,640 Speaker 1: And so I realized it was actually really important for 212 00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:33,160 Speaker 1: me to recognize what grief I was feeling, and for you, 213 00:10:33,280 --> 00:10:35,880 Speaker 1: what grief are you feeling? Not just the feeling of 214 00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:40,040 Speaker 1: overall sadness or loss, but identifying the thoughts and where 215 00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:44,040 Speaker 1: they're coming from. And then it's about rewriting those stories 216 00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:46,480 Speaker 1: that you've created in your mind of how life should 217 00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:50,240 Speaker 1: go and understanding that that has to change and how 218 00:10:50,280 --> 00:10:52,720 Speaker 1: you will adapt those stories. And once I came to 219 00:10:52,760 --> 00:10:55,880 Speaker 1: that realization, I was able to break it down and 220 00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:59,280 Speaker 1: really talk myself through it. So I had to think about, Okay, 221 00:10:59,320 --> 00:11:01,240 Speaker 1: how will I show her in the future with the 222 00:11:01,280 --> 00:11:03,720 Speaker 1: people who didn't get a chance to meet her, whether 223 00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:06,720 Speaker 1: it's pictures or videos or stories that I have to 224 00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:10,360 Speaker 1: remember and write down. And you know, the biggest part 225 00:11:10,440 --> 00:11:12,680 Speaker 1: to all of this has been gratitude. And I know 226 00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:15,400 Speaker 1: we hear that word so much, but honestly, it is 227 00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:19,360 Speaker 1: a saving grace in all of this, reminding myself constantly 228 00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:21,720 Speaker 1: of how lucky I was to even have a grandma 229 00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:24,760 Speaker 1: for this long in my life, constantly finding my way 230 00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:27,360 Speaker 1: back to gratitude for what was and what is rather 231 00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:30,000 Speaker 1: than what isn't in the future, but also what a 232 00:11:30,080 --> 00:11:33,760 Speaker 1: lesson in surrender lost can be. Surrendering to God's plan 233 00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:37,680 Speaker 1: and detaching from trying to control the narrative, which my 234 00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:40,440 Speaker 1: mind had definitely done. I'd planned it all out and 235 00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:42,760 Speaker 1: so it should be that way, and you are taking 236 00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:44,840 Speaker 1: this from me, and that's how I was feeling. But no, 237 00:11:44,920 --> 00:11:47,280 Speaker 1: that wasn't part of her story. It was only part 238 00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:50,200 Speaker 1: of mine. And there's that saying, right. If you don't 239 00:11:50,280 --> 00:11:53,439 Speaker 1: choose to surrender yourself, life will force you to surrender 240 00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:57,079 Speaker 1: your plans, the things that you have in your life, everything. 241 00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:00,280 Speaker 1: Eventually we have to let it go and let and 242 00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:02,280 Speaker 1: surrender to the fact that we are not in control 243 00:12:02,320 --> 00:12:04,400 Speaker 1: of it. And grief sometimes can also be a little 244 00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:07,040 Speaker 1: bit of a selfish thing. It becomes about your loss 245 00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:10,080 Speaker 1: and not necessarily theirs. Because I realized once I came 246 00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:12,160 Speaker 1: back home and I saw how much pain she was in, 247 00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:14,559 Speaker 1: there was no part of me that would have wanted 248 00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:17,559 Speaker 1: her to be alive just to fulfill my stories if 249 00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:19,840 Speaker 1: it meant her living in a way that she would 250 00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:24,400 Speaker 1: not want to, living with integrity and without pain and 251 00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:28,200 Speaker 1: being able to get up and walk around or be 252 00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:31,920 Speaker 1: able to shower herself, whatever those things were. I realized 253 00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:33,280 Speaker 1: when I came back there was no part of me 254 00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:35,960 Speaker 1: that thought I would come back and want her not 255 00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:38,760 Speaker 1: to be here, which sounds really crazy to say, but 256 00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:41,800 Speaker 1: I did realize that I would rather her not be 257 00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:43,960 Speaker 1: here and not be in the pain that she was in, 258 00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:47,160 Speaker 1: than be here just to fulfill the dreams that I 259 00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:49,400 Speaker 1: had created or the stories I had created in my 260 00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:52,520 Speaker 1: mind that involved her. So after I got past that 261 00:12:52,559 --> 00:12:57,160 Speaker 1: initial twenty four hours of just distraughtness, if that's a word, 262 00:12:57,280 --> 00:13:00,400 Speaker 1: this distraught state that I was in, I then realized 263 00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:07,280 Speaker 1: how precious and how incredible it is that God gave 264 00:13:07,360 --> 00:13:10,280 Speaker 1: us time. That God was so kind to even give 265 00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:13,199 Speaker 1: us this time, to give us notice, like to give 266 00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:16,240 Speaker 1: us this warning, to give us the chance and opportunity 267 00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:19,160 Speaker 1: to do everything that I've ever wanted to do for her. 268 00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:21,959 Speaker 1: I got that chance to do that. And also how 269 00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:25,400 Speaker 1: blessed she is that she gets to prepare herself spiritually, mentally, 270 00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:28,320 Speaker 1: and physically for death, and that we get to serve 271 00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:31,640 Speaker 1: her through that journey. And it's been so beautiful to 272 00:13:31,679 --> 00:13:34,960 Speaker 1: watch her actually, because my Mum has been such an 273 00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:38,439 Speaker 1: anchor for her in that journey that she's taking. Now, 274 00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:41,800 Speaker 1: you know, it talks about this in our scriptures as well, 275 00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:46,199 Speaker 1: of how there is a preparation that is required when 276 00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:48,160 Speaker 1: you are dying. And I know that sounds really crazy 277 00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:50,240 Speaker 1: because like you won't always know when you're gonna die, 278 00:13:50,320 --> 00:13:53,040 Speaker 1: But actually that saying of yolo you only live once, 279 00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:58,920 Speaker 1: really actually what it means is every single day we 280 00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:01,320 Speaker 1: have to realize there is chance that we could be 281 00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:04,360 Speaker 1: our last. And so how can I prepare? How am 282 00:14:04,360 --> 00:14:07,200 Speaker 1: I in constant preparation for that moment? So I have 283 00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:11,240 Speaker 1: less attachments, So I have done all the things I 284 00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:12,760 Speaker 1: want to do, So I've said all the things I 285 00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:14,959 Speaker 1: want to have said so that I can, so that 286 00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:18,320 Speaker 1: I've experienced the things I want to experience, and so 287 00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:19,840 Speaker 1: that I have let go of all the things that 288 00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:22,920 Speaker 1: I need to let go of. And it's really interesting. 289 00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:25,720 Speaker 1: My mum told me this recently that a big part 290 00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:30,680 Speaker 1: of that preparation is detachment and detachment from the worldly things, 291 00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:35,160 Speaker 1: whether it's physical objects or whether it's attachment to people 292 00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:38,000 Speaker 1: and relationships. And that doesn't mean to say that you 293 00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:40,600 Speaker 1: don't love them, but you let go of the physical 294 00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:42,920 Speaker 1: attachment you have to them, you can have a soul 295 00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:46,000 Speaker 1: to soul connection. You can understand that you're spiritually connected, 296 00:14:46,480 --> 00:14:49,960 Speaker 1: but not pining for anybody, not hankering for anyone, not 297 00:14:50,240 --> 00:14:53,720 Speaker 1: trying to stay on this earth for anybody. And my 298 00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:55,640 Speaker 1: mum was telling us that even in the moment when 299 00:14:55,680 --> 00:14:59,000 Speaker 1: someone is passing away, like in their last moments, actually 300 00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:01,800 Speaker 1: the best thing is, especially for family members, is not 301 00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:04,920 Speaker 1: to even touch their body, not to keep them attached 302 00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:08,240 Speaker 1: to their physical body by holding them or holding their hand, 303 00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:13,160 Speaker 1: but just to be praying around them and singing meditations 304 00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:15,880 Speaker 1: to them around like as they're passing. And that is 305 00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:17,520 Speaker 1: actually the most beautiful thing you can do to them, 306 00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:19,600 Speaker 1: because a lot of the time holding them is for 307 00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:22,760 Speaker 1: us and not for them. And so my mom has 308 00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:25,960 Speaker 1: been doing these beautiful prayers with her every single night. 309 00:15:26,120 --> 00:15:29,040 Speaker 1: She has been sharing all the words of wisdom that 310 00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:32,160 Speaker 1: are in our scriptures about the moments of death and 311 00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:35,680 Speaker 1: how our minds should be thinking, and how it's constantly 312 00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:38,000 Speaker 1: not why do I have this pain, but seeing it 313 00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:40,520 Speaker 1: as a gift from God, or saying all I want 314 00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:43,320 Speaker 1: to do is be with you, like God, any whatever 315 00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:45,520 Speaker 1: the plan is, let the plan be for me to 316 00:15:45,520 --> 00:15:47,720 Speaker 1: be with you. I don't want control over anything else 317 00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:50,480 Speaker 1: except for that, or not control over that. But I'm 318 00:15:50,480 --> 00:15:52,440 Speaker 1: not trying to control anything in my life. This is 319 00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:55,560 Speaker 1: my only desire is to be with you. And it's 320 00:15:55,600 --> 00:15:59,280 Speaker 1: been incredible to watch my mom, even though it's such 321 00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:01,480 Speaker 1: a difficult time for her to just have full Her 322 00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:04,520 Speaker 1: full focus has been I'm getting her ready for this moment. 323 00:16:04,840 --> 00:16:08,640 Speaker 1: And so gratitude has definitely seriously been a savior for 324 00:16:08,720 --> 00:16:13,360 Speaker 1: a spiraling mind. Gratitude is this ability to truly, not fakely, 325 00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:16,720 Speaker 1: not forcefully, but truly see the blessings in the lessons 326 00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:20,080 Speaker 1: and experiences that life brings us. It's believing in the 327 00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:22,800 Speaker 1: magic of life and that life is happening for you, 328 00:16:23,240 --> 00:16:26,840 Speaker 1: not against you, And if you so choose to adjust 329 00:16:26,880 --> 00:16:30,680 Speaker 1: your vision to see that, how different life would be. 330 00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:33,880 Speaker 1: How we experience life is a choice. How we perceive 331 00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:37,080 Speaker 1: experiences is also a choice, And would you not rather 332 00:16:37,320 --> 00:16:39,520 Speaker 1: be in that state of mind rather than seeing life 333 00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:42,040 Speaker 1: as a dark place. Even when you are going through 334 00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:45,320 Speaker 1: your darkest moments, you need that little glimmer or that 335 00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:48,960 Speaker 1: glimpse of something hopeful, and gratitude gives you that. And 336 00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:50,880 Speaker 1: so one of the other reflections that I have had 337 00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:54,600 Speaker 1: during this time is how we have to become more 338 00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:56,400 Speaker 1: familiar with death. And let me explain what I mean 339 00:16:56,440 --> 00:16:59,120 Speaker 1: by that. You know, even if we know the theory, 340 00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:01,560 Speaker 1: which we all do, that everybody dies. That is a fact. 341 00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:05,120 Speaker 1: Most of us live in this illusion of immortality. We 342 00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:07,280 Speaker 1: live like the people we love are going to be 343 00:17:07,359 --> 00:17:11,240 Speaker 1: here forever, not because we actually believe it, but because 344 00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:14,240 Speaker 1: we don't want to believe that to be true. It's 345 00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:16,639 Speaker 1: not conscious, it's just how the mind works. You assume 346 00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:19,359 Speaker 1: you'll call them the next week, you'll visit them next month. 347 00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:23,320 Speaker 1: It's delusional optimism at its best, mixed with not wanting 348 00:17:23,359 --> 00:17:26,240 Speaker 1: to even think about something that is so painful, like 349 00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:28,879 Speaker 1: our body and our mind want the path of least resistance, 350 00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:31,800 Speaker 1: the least pain, and so naturally, if the best way 351 00:17:32,040 --> 00:17:34,720 Speaker 1: is to block something out or not believe it, we will. 352 00:17:35,760 --> 00:17:38,080 Speaker 1: And I remember when Jay and I got married, and 353 00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:41,600 Speaker 1: I would tell him my anxiety of losing someone and 354 00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:45,000 Speaker 1: not being there when they are in pain or when 355 00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:48,399 Speaker 1: something's happened to them, and he would always say to me, 356 00:17:48,720 --> 00:17:51,359 Speaker 1: we have to talk about and think about this right now. 357 00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:54,479 Speaker 1: Whether it's our parents, whether it's our grandparents, we have 358 00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:58,560 Speaker 1: to start discussing it from now. We need to actually 359 00:17:58,560 --> 00:18:00,920 Speaker 1: talk about it on a regular basis, because if we don't, 360 00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:04,080 Speaker 1: when it happens, it will hit us even harder and 361 00:18:04,119 --> 00:18:06,800 Speaker 1: the pain will be unbearable. So we need to start 362 00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:09,680 Speaker 1: processing this and talking about it and crying about it 363 00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:12,439 Speaker 1: from right now. And that changed the way that I 364 00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:15,359 Speaker 1: experienced life after that. I really believe that the more 365 00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:18,560 Speaker 1: you think about something, the less power it has over you, 366 00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:21,320 Speaker 1: especially if it's something that you fear, and then you 367 00:18:21,359 --> 00:18:24,560 Speaker 1: can start to act in ways accordingly. So I started 368 00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:27,720 Speaker 1: from the moment I moved away, I started to because 369 00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:29,959 Speaker 1: of this fear and anxiety that I had. I started 370 00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:32,119 Speaker 1: to plan things that I want to do with family, 371 00:18:32,119 --> 00:18:35,760 Speaker 1: whether it was holidays, whether it was experiences, whether it 372 00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:38,399 Speaker 1: was schedule time that I spend with each person, and 373 00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:40,320 Speaker 1: I kept thinking about what I wouldn't want to feel 374 00:18:40,359 --> 00:18:42,919 Speaker 1: at their funeral or what regrets I may have, and 375 00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:46,960 Speaker 1: then I just took action. And so as morbid as 376 00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:50,280 Speaker 1: that sounds, it's actually really empowering because you no longer 377 00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:52,879 Speaker 1: feel like you're waiting for something to happen to act, 378 00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:55,359 Speaker 1: and that's usually what we end up doing. Something happens, 379 00:18:55,359 --> 00:18:58,719 Speaker 1: then you frantically act in ways that you wouldn't normally, 380 00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:01,000 Speaker 1: and you can't actually think st But if you start 381 00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:04,240 Speaker 1: thinking about it from now, you have clarity, you have time, 382 00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:07,560 Speaker 1: you have peace of mind to make these decisions without 383 00:19:07,600 --> 00:19:11,919 Speaker 1: feeling erratic. And I remember hearing this one quote, and 384 00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:13,280 Speaker 1: I don't know whether there was rather than not Swami 385 00:19:13,280 --> 00:19:15,520 Speaker 1: who said this, I think it was. But fear comes 386 00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:18,240 Speaker 1: from lack of knowledge, and death is a scary thing, 387 00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:20,760 Speaker 1: especially when you don't know what you believe about it. 388 00:19:21,359 --> 00:19:24,480 Speaker 1: And so fear coming from lack of knowledge means the 389 00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:27,320 Speaker 1: more you understand death, the more you figure out what 390 00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,879 Speaker 1: you believe about this process of death. Like for me, 391 00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:32,760 Speaker 1: I believe that there are the soul is immortal, the 392 00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:36,280 Speaker 1: soul continues, but the physical body changes. And having a 393 00:19:36,280 --> 00:19:38,840 Speaker 1: deep faith in something can really help doing these moments 394 00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:41,720 Speaker 1: as well. And there are these beautiful verses actually in 395 00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:45,120 Speaker 1: the chapter two of bugwig Ghita about life after physical death. 396 00:19:45,359 --> 00:19:48,040 Speaker 1: And that's why actually in our tradition they say the 397 00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:50,280 Speaker 1: person left their body. They don't say they died, they 398 00:19:50,320 --> 00:19:52,639 Speaker 1: say they left their body. And this verse in the 399 00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:54,919 Speaker 1: bugwig Ghita, it says, just as a person puts on 400 00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:58,440 Speaker 1: new garments, giving up old ones, the soul similarly accepts 401 00:19:58,440 --> 00:20:01,639 Speaker 1: new material bodies, giving up the old and useless ones. 402 00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:03,960 Speaker 1: So it's a verse that's helping us to realize that 403 00:20:04,080 --> 00:20:06,639 Speaker 1: it is not the end, it's just a transition. And 404 00:20:06,680 --> 00:20:09,040 Speaker 1: there's this other verse that says, just as the embodied 405 00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:13,080 Speaker 1: soul continuously passes in this body from childhood to youth 406 00:20:13,119 --> 00:20:16,679 Speaker 1: to old age, the soul similarly passes into another body 407 00:20:16,720 --> 00:20:20,080 Speaker 1: at death. The wires are not deluded by this. So 408 00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:22,320 Speaker 1: this verse is basically saying, just as we move through 409 00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:25,439 Speaker 1: different stages in life in the same body, our body 410 00:20:25,440 --> 00:20:27,879 Speaker 1: eventually moves on to a new one. It is pretty 411 00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:30,080 Speaker 1: much the same. And so just as we think of 412 00:20:30,359 --> 00:20:33,440 Speaker 1: going from youth to old age in the same way 413 00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:37,320 Speaker 1: as we transition in that, we transition our physical bodies too. 414 00:20:37,480 --> 00:20:40,720 Speaker 1: We move from body to body, planet to planet. Even 415 00:20:41,080 --> 00:20:43,399 Speaker 1: I'm really not saying that you should believe this, but 416 00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:45,159 Speaker 1: I do think that you need to know what you 417 00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:47,880 Speaker 1: believe in, and if you don't, then spend some time 418 00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:51,640 Speaker 1: reading different paths, different perspectives and see which feels right 419 00:20:51,680 --> 00:20:54,080 Speaker 1: to you. And I really think it will help you 420 00:20:54,119 --> 00:20:57,280 Speaker 1: in your journey in grief and not feeling as much 421 00:20:57,359 --> 00:21:00,199 Speaker 1: fear about it. Azoic philosopher, and I always she has 422 00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:03,520 Speaker 1: name but Epiticus. So death is nothing dreadful, but the 423 00:21:03,640 --> 00:21:07,280 Speaker 1: judgment that death is dreadful. This is what is dreadful, 424 00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:10,520 Speaker 1: and so it does, it creates dread in us, and 425 00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:13,320 Speaker 1: so coming to a place of deep acceptance of death 426 00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:16,959 Speaker 1: comes by remembering death often and understanding that it is 427 00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:19,320 Speaker 1: not something to be feared, but is something to be 428 00:21:19,359 --> 00:21:22,920 Speaker 1: prepared for, not as something morbid, but as a tool 429 00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:25,919 Speaker 1: to really focus on what truly matters, and as a 430 00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:28,840 Speaker 1: celebration of the life that we get to live every 431 00:21:28,880 --> 00:21:31,439 Speaker 1: single day. The one thing that my grandma has always 432 00:21:31,480 --> 00:21:34,199 Speaker 1: wanted is our family to be together. And just like 433 00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:36,400 Speaker 1: most families, we of course have had our ups and 434 00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:40,159 Speaker 1: downs what family hasn't, But honestly, this has brought us 435 00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:43,880 Speaker 1: all together in a way nothing else ever has, and 436 00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:46,840 Speaker 1: she honestly made her deep desire come to fruition through this. 437 00:21:47,520 --> 00:21:50,359 Speaker 1: And it's been really interesting to observe each family member 438 00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:52,600 Speaker 1: and how fear and pain can be expressed in such 439 00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:56,480 Speaker 1: different ways through different people, especially you know when communication 440 00:21:56,640 --> 00:22:00,320 Speaker 1: isn't there, And this time I feel my family from 441 00:22:00,359 --> 00:22:03,920 Speaker 1: the start chose to lead with compassion, kindness, and understanding 442 00:22:04,359 --> 00:22:07,679 Speaker 1: and have constantly reminded each other of this, and that 443 00:22:07,720 --> 00:22:09,600 Speaker 1: has been such a beautiful thing to watch and I 444 00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:12,280 Speaker 1: think it's so important to remember this when you go 445 00:22:12,359 --> 00:22:15,440 Speaker 1: through it and whenever you do. It is hard enough 446 00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:18,320 Speaker 1: as it is, and adding family tension on top of 447 00:22:18,359 --> 00:22:22,159 Speaker 1: that is just such an unnecessary weight. Every single person 448 00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:26,000 Speaker 1: grieves differently. Some talk more, some retreat, some keep busy, 449 00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:30,200 Speaker 1: some cry openly. There is honestly no manual. Just because 450 00:22:30,240 --> 00:22:33,000 Speaker 1: someone's grief doesn't look like mine or like yours, it 451 00:22:33,040 --> 00:22:35,440 Speaker 1: doesn't mean they're not feeling it. And so the last 452 00:22:35,480 --> 00:22:38,359 Speaker 1: thing people need is a judge judy during this time. 453 00:22:38,920 --> 00:22:42,679 Speaker 1: So I encourage you to keep your heart open, be 454 00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:46,600 Speaker 1: deeply compassionate at all times, and leave all that judgment 455 00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:48,439 Speaker 1: at the door, because there is no space left for 456 00:22:48,480 --> 00:22:50,880 Speaker 1: that amongst all the feelings that people are feeling during 457 00:22:50,880 --> 00:22:53,399 Speaker 1: this time. And you know, it's actually quite common for 458 00:22:53,480 --> 00:22:57,480 Speaker 1: people to sometimes panic and become possessive or aggressive in 459 00:22:57,520 --> 00:23:00,840 Speaker 1: their desire to connect to the person that's leaving, and 460 00:23:00,840 --> 00:23:04,639 Speaker 1: it's quite understandable. You know, they end up feeling worried 461 00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:06,520 Speaker 1: that they're not going to get the time that they wanted, 462 00:23:06,560 --> 00:23:10,800 Speaker 1: and so sometimes that leads to competition or possessiveness or 463 00:23:10,840 --> 00:23:13,600 Speaker 1: even a sense of competition. But the fact is that 464 00:23:13,760 --> 00:23:16,919 Speaker 1: every single person has a different relationship with that person, 465 00:23:17,400 --> 00:23:20,200 Speaker 1: and that understanding, I think is really key during times 466 00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:23,719 Speaker 1: like this, especially in a family dynamic. I have always 467 00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:25,840 Speaker 1: had a role of service to my grandma like that 468 00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:28,040 Speaker 1: is why it was a no brainer to me to 469 00:23:28,119 --> 00:23:31,200 Speaker 1: leave everything and come and be her care and look 470 00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:33,720 Speaker 1: after her day and day out, because that has always 471 00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:35,840 Speaker 1: been my role with her, especially when she's been in 472 00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:37,840 Speaker 1: and out of hospital over the past couple of years. 473 00:23:38,280 --> 00:23:40,000 Speaker 1: That is the role that I took, and that feels 474 00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:42,240 Speaker 1: most comfortable to me to look after her physically when 475 00:23:42,240 --> 00:23:44,720 Speaker 1: she needs it. I actually always joke around saying that 476 00:23:44,760 --> 00:23:46,320 Speaker 1: I think that she was my daughter in my past 477 00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:48,960 Speaker 1: life because my heart is always pulled to care for 478 00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:52,040 Speaker 1: her in that way. And then my uncle has this 479 00:23:52,119 --> 00:23:54,840 Speaker 1: beautiful ability to make her laugh whenever he's with her 480 00:23:54,880 --> 00:23:57,520 Speaker 1: and to bring lightness to her day. My mom looks 481 00:23:57,560 --> 00:24:00,600 Speaker 1: after her spiritually. One of my cousins asks her questions 482 00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:03,720 Speaker 1: and creates moments for reflection about her past for my grandma. 483 00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:06,159 Speaker 1: Another cousin does her self care, which was does her 484 00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:09,200 Speaker 1: nails for her, makes her feel really special, and does 485 00:24:09,240 --> 00:24:13,240 Speaker 1: her hair. And there's just so many different roles unlimited 486 00:24:13,320 --> 00:24:15,240 Speaker 1: roles that we can have in someone's life. And so 487 00:24:15,480 --> 00:24:18,359 Speaker 1: when you get to this point, don't worry about what 488 00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:21,240 Speaker 1: anybody else's relationship is with that person. It is not 489 00:24:21,280 --> 00:24:24,520 Speaker 1: a competition, but it is about connection, really trying to 490 00:24:24,520 --> 00:24:27,200 Speaker 1: connect deeply to that person how you want to and 491 00:24:27,240 --> 00:24:30,359 Speaker 1: how you see your role being in their life and 492 00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:33,480 Speaker 1: the connection that you're desiring. So don't think about what 493 00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:35,880 Speaker 1: anyone else is doing. Just think about what your relationship 494 00:24:35,880 --> 00:24:39,200 Speaker 1: with that person looks like. Love has so many languages, 495 00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:42,240 Speaker 1: and in grief we express them in our own ways. 496 00:24:42,520 --> 00:24:45,159 Speaker 1: And you know, that reminds me of something one of 497 00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:47,719 Speaker 1: my family members told me when she found out the news. 498 00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:50,119 Speaker 1: She hasn't necessarily had as much time with my grandma 499 00:24:50,119 --> 00:24:52,960 Speaker 1: as others may have, and she said when she thought 500 00:24:52,960 --> 00:24:57,080 Speaker 1: of coming back to London to see my grandma, she said, 501 00:24:57,119 --> 00:24:58,760 Speaker 1: I thought people are going to be wondering why I'm 502 00:24:58,800 --> 00:25:01,200 Speaker 1: coming back, because you know, I'm not really as close 503 00:25:01,240 --> 00:25:03,639 Speaker 1: to her as everybody else. But I really wanted to 504 00:25:03,680 --> 00:25:05,879 Speaker 1: be there and have these times with her. And she 505 00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:08,720 Speaker 1: has made such beautiful gestures and memories for my bar 506 00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:12,760 Speaker 1: But I'm telling you this story because she chose to come. 507 00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:15,760 Speaker 1: She didn't let her thoughts of people's perceptions or the 508 00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:18,280 Speaker 1: barriers that came up for her stop her from doing 509 00:25:18,280 --> 00:25:21,080 Speaker 1: what she actually wanted to do. And I actually think 510 00:25:21,200 --> 00:25:23,280 Speaker 1: more often than not, people choose not to and that 511 00:25:23,359 --> 00:25:26,920 Speaker 1: becomes the biggest source of regret. You cannot change the past, 512 00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:29,480 Speaker 1: but you can definitely make choices right now that matter. 513 00:25:29,880 --> 00:25:32,359 Speaker 1: And you could change your relationships with someone within days 514 00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:35,600 Speaker 1: if you want to. I have experienced this through friendship. 515 00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:37,200 Speaker 1: But it's not about how long you've known someone, it's 516 00:25:37,240 --> 00:25:39,840 Speaker 1: how deep that connection is, and you can do that 517 00:25:39,880 --> 00:25:42,280 Speaker 1: within such a short period of time. And so her 518 00:25:42,359 --> 00:25:44,840 Speaker 1: nearing absence has actually made us all so much more 519 00:25:44,840 --> 00:25:48,119 Speaker 1: present than ever, and that's pretty amazing. I always hear 520 00:25:48,160 --> 00:25:51,080 Speaker 1: about these stories of people holding on to grudges or 521 00:25:51,119 --> 00:25:53,600 Speaker 1: stories from the past, even when someone is on their 522 00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:57,359 Speaker 1: deathbed and beyond, even once they've lost that person, and 523 00:25:57,400 --> 00:25:59,960 Speaker 1: it makes me so sad, not for the person that's dying, 524 00:26:00,040 --> 00:26:02,520 Speaker 1: but for the person carrying that. And don't do that 525 00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:05,960 Speaker 1: to yourself. If you're listening to this and you are 526 00:26:05,960 --> 00:26:10,280 Speaker 1: holding on to the weight of anger or frustration or 527 00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:13,800 Speaker 1: any emotion that doesn't bring you some sort of relief 528 00:26:13,880 --> 00:26:16,320 Speaker 1: or joy, don't do that to yourself. There are some 529 00:26:16,400 --> 00:26:19,040 Speaker 1: horrific things that have happened to people, and I can 530 00:26:19,080 --> 00:26:21,679 Speaker 1: completely understand why you would hold on to it, But 531 00:26:21,760 --> 00:26:23,879 Speaker 1: letting go of it doesn't make it okay. All it 532 00:26:23,920 --> 00:26:26,240 Speaker 1: does is relieve you of the weight that you are 533 00:26:26,280 --> 00:26:29,800 Speaker 1: carrying and holding onto that. Once that person has left, 534 00:26:29,840 --> 00:26:33,439 Speaker 1: it's only affecting you, and so you have to have 535 00:26:33,440 --> 00:26:36,439 Speaker 1: those difficult conversations, whether it's or the person that's still alive. 536 00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:39,080 Speaker 1: We have to make the hard decision whether they've already 537 00:26:39,119 --> 00:26:42,520 Speaker 1: left you and how you want to continue your life 538 00:26:42,520 --> 00:26:45,040 Speaker 1: holding on to them in that way or letting go completely. 539 00:26:45,200 --> 00:26:47,359 Speaker 1: And sometimes it can be a little bit of pride 540 00:26:47,359 --> 00:26:49,960 Speaker 1: and eager that has to be swallowed and letting go 541 00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:52,520 Speaker 1: of other people's perceptions and do what you know you 542 00:26:52,640 --> 00:26:56,080 Speaker 1: need to do for that relationship, because regret is even 543 00:26:56,119 --> 00:26:57,879 Speaker 1: harder when you know you could have done it but 544 00:26:57,920 --> 00:27:00,679 Speaker 1: you didn't. That's when I really think it the most. 545 00:27:01,240 --> 00:27:03,119 Speaker 1: It really did get me taking actions on things that 546 00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:04,879 Speaker 1: I had been wanting to do for so long, Like 547 00:27:05,240 --> 00:27:07,320 Speaker 1: I took all of our home videos and I sent 548 00:27:07,359 --> 00:27:10,840 Speaker 1: them off to get digitalized so we can actually all 549 00:27:10,880 --> 00:27:14,520 Speaker 1: watch them and have those memories and those tapes have 550 00:27:14,560 --> 00:27:16,560 Speaker 1: been sitting there since I was born, and for the 551 00:27:16,600 --> 00:27:18,119 Speaker 1: past few years, I've been saying I want to do it, 552 00:27:18,160 --> 00:27:19,360 Speaker 1: I want to do it, but I didn't get round 553 00:27:19,400 --> 00:27:21,480 Speaker 1: to it. And so all thirty of these tapes that 554 00:27:21,480 --> 00:27:24,000 Speaker 1: we hadn't even watched since we recorded them, I finally 555 00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:25,720 Speaker 1: got round to doing it, and I organized all the 556 00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:27,840 Speaker 1: pictures that I have with my grandma over the past 557 00:27:27,920 --> 00:27:31,480 Speaker 1: few years. I've also collected all these stories about her 558 00:27:31,520 --> 00:27:35,000 Speaker 1: to hopefully create this illustration book that I can give 559 00:27:35,080 --> 00:27:37,880 Speaker 1: to family members or the people in our life that 560 00:27:38,240 --> 00:27:39,840 Speaker 1: you know in the future don't get to meet her, 561 00:27:39,920 --> 00:27:42,919 Speaker 1: to really preserve her memories. And if anybody's interested. This 562 00:27:43,040 --> 00:27:44,879 Speaker 1: is not an ad at all, but I actually use 563 00:27:44,880 --> 00:27:46,960 Speaker 1: this platform. This one's based in the UK, but it's 564 00:27:46,960 --> 00:27:50,359 Speaker 1: called Digital Converters for my home videos and it's amazing 565 00:27:50,359 --> 00:27:52,399 Speaker 1: because it just goes online and you don't have to 566 00:27:52,480 --> 00:27:55,160 Speaker 1: have anything physical, but you can access them whenever you want. 567 00:27:55,680 --> 00:27:57,080 Speaker 1: And when I do end up making that book, I 568 00:27:57,080 --> 00:28:00,119 Speaker 1: will definitely let you know what I end up using 569 00:28:00,119 --> 00:28:02,520 Speaker 1: for it, because I'm really excited to create that. But 570 00:28:02,840 --> 00:28:06,280 Speaker 1: I really recommend asking questions to that person become curious. 571 00:28:06,359 --> 00:28:08,840 Speaker 1: I have learned so much about my grandma in the 572 00:28:08,880 --> 00:28:11,480 Speaker 1: last couple of weeks that I was surprised about. And 573 00:28:11,520 --> 00:28:13,640 Speaker 1: you know what, even inspired me to start asking questions 574 00:28:13,720 --> 00:28:16,119 Speaker 1: to my mom and my dad because I realized I 575 00:28:16,160 --> 00:28:18,080 Speaker 1: only really know them since I've been born. They had 576 00:28:18,080 --> 00:28:20,240 Speaker 1: a whole life before me, and so I've had little 577 00:28:20,240 --> 00:28:23,800 Speaker 1: glimpses of things. But I started asking deeper questions and 578 00:28:24,280 --> 00:28:26,919 Speaker 1: it gave me so much insight into their life. It 579 00:28:26,920 --> 00:28:29,880 Speaker 1: helped me to understand who they are now, but also 580 00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:32,639 Speaker 1: gave me so much more gratitude for what they have 581 00:28:32,760 --> 00:28:35,879 Speaker 1: given me after hearing about their story. Even if anybody 582 00:28:35,960 --> 00:28:38,000 Speaker 1: isn't ill in your life, you can still start asking 583 00:28:38,040 --> 00:28:40,440 Speaker 1: those questions now so that you can get to know 584 00:28:40,480 --> 00:28:42,840 Speaker 1: the people that you love a little bit better. And lastly, 585 00:28:42,920 --> 00:28:44,479 Speaker 1: I just want to say that you do not have 586 00:28:44,560 --> 00:28:47,280 Speaker 1: to keep it together for anyone. You have to express 587 00:28:47,400 --> 00:28:49,360 Speaker 1: and you need to let it out, and you need 588 00:28:49,400 --> 00:28:52,200 Speaker 1: to share how you feel and it's so okay to 589 00:28:52,240 --> 00:28:54,640 Speaker 1: be sad. Actually, the more you show your feelings, the 590 00:28:54,680 --> 00:28:56,840 Speaker 1: more it gives permissions for others too. I really saw 591 00:28:56,880 --> 00:28:59,440 Speaker 1: that through this with my family. As soon as one 592 00:28:59,480 --> 00:29:03,000 Speaker 1: person broke down crying. You know, other people started sharing 593 00:29:03,000 --> 00:29:06,200 Speaker 1: their emotions too, and so be honest about your feelings 594 00:29:06,200 --> 00:29:09,040 Speaker 1: throughout this You'll be crying one moment and laughing the next. 595 00:29:09,440 --> 00:29:12,400 Speaker 1: And I actually remember when my granddad passed away. I 596 00:29:12,440 --> 00:29:15,239 Speaker 1: was younger, I think I was maybe eleven, and I 597 00:29:15,280 --> 00:29:17,560 Speaker 1: felt bad because me and my cousins had these moments 598 00:29:17,600 --> 00:29:22,560 Speaker 1: of laughter over something silly during the funeral, and I thought, 599 00:29:22,560 --> 00:29:24,960 Speaker 1: we shouldn't We should be sad right now. We can't 600 00:29:24,960 --> 00:29:28,160 Speaker 1: be laughing, we shouldn't be happy. And even now I 601 00:29:28,240 --> 00:29:30,320 Speaker 1: go through so many emotions. I can be doing this 602 00:29:30,360 --> 00:29:32,800 Speaker 1: podcast right now where I'm smiling, and the last two 603 00:29:32,800 --> 00:29:34,520 Speaker 1: times I was trying to record it, I was crying 604 00:29:34,520 --> 00:29:37,600 Speaker 1: my eyes out. And ebbs and flows throughout the day, 605 00:29:37,640 --> 00:29:41,120 Speaker 1: depending on where your mind's at. But the reality is 606 00:29:41,800 --> 00:29:44,320 Speaker 1: you can be two things at once. You can be 607 00:29:44,400 --> 00:29:46,120 Speaker 1: trying to get on with your life while still having 608 00:29:46,160 --> 00:29:48,800 Speaker 1: a person in your life that is dying. You can 609 00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:52,080 Speaker 1: be holding grief in one hand and gratitude in the other. 610 00:29:53,120 --> 00:29:56,720 Speaker 1: And you can be heartbroken and still laugh intensely at 611 00:29:56,760 --> 00:29:59,520 Speaker 1: something that your friend said that was so funny that 612 00:29:59,560 --> 00:30:01,520 Speaker 1: it made you eyes water. And I have gone through 613 00:30:01,560 --> 00:30:04,040 Speaker 1: all of that in this one month that I've been here, 614 00:30:04,400 --> 00:30:06,800 Speaker 1: you can feel deep sadness and still go kill your 615 00:30:06,800 --> 00:30:12,120 Speaker 1: workout and also look after yourself. And so just know 616 00:30:12,320 --> 00:30:15,640 Speaker 1: that there should be no guilt in still living your 617 00:30:15,680 --> 00:30:18,239 Speaker 1: life and having all these other emotions. I don't think 618 00:30:18,280 --> 00:30:20,640 Speaker 1: it makes sense to stay sad constantly. I don't think 619 00:30:20,680 --> 00:30:23,200 Speaker 1: that's what the person would want, or I don't think 620 00:30:23,240 --> 00:30:27,440 Speaker 1: that's the reality of grief either, And so allow yourself 621 00:30:27,480 --> 00:30:29,320 Speaker 1: to ebb and flow through those emotions. And I mentioned 622 00:30:29,360 --> 00:30:34,040 Speaker 1: looking after yourself, and also just wanted to touch on 623 00:30:34,120 --> 00:30:36,840 Speaker 1: this because I've experienced a lot of physical things in 624 00:30:36,880 --> 00:30:40,840 Speaker 1: my body during this time, and it always would say, 625 00:30:40,840 --> 00:30:43,120 Speaker 1: I'm not stressed. I'm not stressed, And to be honest, 626 00:30:43,160 --> 00:30:44,920 Speaker 1: I think my mind is quite resilient and I can 627 00:30:44,960 --> 00:30:47,240 Speaker 1: handle lot of things mentally, but sometimes your physical body 628 00:30:47,320 --> 00:30:50,720 Speaker 1: reacts differently. So from one of my family members, her 629 00:30:50,760 --> 00:30:53,880 Speaker 1: hair started falling out. For another family member, the anxiety 630 00:30:53,920 --> 00:30:56,520 Speaker 1: is at an all time high. For someone else, they've 631 00:30:56,560 --> 00:30:59,840 Speaker 1: had hormonal shifts that are affecting their physical body. So 632 00:31:00,200 --> 00:31:03,280 Speaker 1: it really made me realize we have to start noticing 633 00:31:03,320 --> 00:31:05,480 Speaker 1: all the little things that are happening in our body 634 00:31:05,520 --> 00:31:07,160 Speaker 1: and our mind during this time. So even if you're 635 00:31:07,160 --> 00:31:10,120 Speaker 1: not holding stress mentally, really pay attention to your physical 636 00:31:10,120 --> 00:31:13,280 Speaker 1: body too, because you really have to check in with 637 00:31:13,320 --> 00:31:16,120 Speaker 1: yourself and see are really looking after yourself, because you 638 00:31:16,120 --> 00:31:17,920 Speaker 1: can't look after them if you're not looking after you. 639 00:31:18,080 --> 00:31:19,600 Speaker 1: And I know you hear that all the time, but 640 00:31:19,800 --> 00:31:22,120 Speaker 1: I think that also helps you feel a little bit better. 641 00:31:22,400 --> 00:31:25,840 Speaker 1: Like me going for my workouts and meeteing my friends randomly, 642 00:31:25,920 --> 00:31:28,080 Speaker 1: like all of that has really helped me to also 643 00:31:28,200 --> 00:31:31,600 Speaker 1: move through this and have a better attitude about it. Anyway, 644 00:31:31,640 --> 00:31:33,840 Speaker 1: these have just been some of the thoughts that I've 645 00:31:33,840 --> 00:31:36,200 Speaker 1: been journaling about over the past few weeks. And if 646 00:31:36,200 --> 00:31:38,840 Speaker 1: you are listening to this, say look prayer for my 647 00:31:38,880 --> 00:31:42,880 Speaker 1: grandma's onward journey, And if you are going through something 648 00:31:42,920 --> 00:31:45,560 Speaker 1: similar right now, I really hope that this has helped 649 00:31:45,600 --> 00:31:49,160 Speaker 1: you in some way. And I may not know their name, 650 00:31:49,440 --> 00:31:52,120 Speaker 1: and I may not know who they are, but anybody 651 00:31:52,120 --> 00:31:54,320 Speaker 1: that is listening to this right now, I deeply do 652 00:31:55,440 --> 00:31:58,360 Speaker 1: send a prayer out to anybody going through grief, what 653 00:31:58,440 --> 00:32:03,720 Speaker 1: anybody in the process of pain or suffering in their 654 00:32:03,800 --> 00:32:07,520 Speaker 1: last moments, because it can be a scary time for everyone, 655 00:32:08,200 --> 00:32:11,760 Speaker 1: and sending your so much love and healing energy. I 656 00:32:11,840 --> 00:32:13,760 Speaker 1: know this is a really rough topic to talk about, 657 00:32:13,840 --> 00:32:16,880 Speaker 1: but it is like therapy for me being able to 658 00:32:16,920 --> 00:32:20,160 Speaker 1: share it, and I hope that it is also therapy 659 00:32:20,160 --> 00:32:23,920 Speaker 1: for you. Sending your so much love and dm me. 660 00:32:23,960 --> 00:32:26,240 Speaker 1: I would love to hear all your stories and any 661 00:32:26,280 --> 00:32:29,760 Speaker 1: other recommendations that you have or experiences that you've had 662 00:32:29,800 --> 00:32:30,880 Speaker 1: going through something like this.