1 00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:09,240 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:12,240 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,480 --> 00:00:16,840 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:22,080 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. 5 00:00:23,040 --> 00:00:26,599 Speaker 2: Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to 6 00:00:26,680 --> 00:00:30,319 Speaker 2: the podcast. New listeners, oh listeners, wherever you are in 7 00:00:30,320 --> 00:00:33,040 Speaker 2: the world, it is so great to have you here, 8 00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:36,600 Speaker 2: back for another episode as we, of course break down 9 00:00:36,600 --> 00:00:41,440 Speaker 2: the Psychology of our twenties. Before we begin, I just 10 00:00:41,440 --> 00:00:45,440 Speaker 2: want to let you know that this episode actually has 11 00:00:45,720 --> 00:00:48,760 Speaker 2: two parts. It has basically, like I guess, a sister 12 00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:54,120 Speaker 2: episode over on my other podcast, Mantra. So if you 13 00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:58,400 Speaker 2: prefer a more kind of compact, succinct version of this 14 00:00:58,440 --> 00:01:00,720 Speaker 2: episode to start your day or just out your week, 15 00:01:01,080 --> 00:01:03,440 Speaker 2: I'm going to leave a link in the description of 16 00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:06,200 Speaker 2: this episode for you guys to go and check it out. 17 00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:09,200 Speaker 2: I would love if you just gave Mantra a try. 18 00:01:09,319 --> 00:01:11,200 Speaker 2: I'm sure if you love this podcast, you will love 19 00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:15,040 Speaker 2: that podcast because it's basically the Psychology of Your Twenties, 20 00:01:15,040 --> 00:01:20,399 Speaker 2: but more spiritual, more philosophical, more meditative. So yeah, go 21 00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:24,960 Speaker 2: check it out. But as for our topic today, we're 22 00:01:24,959 --> 00:01:27,640 Speaker 2: going to talk about confidence and what it is about 23 00:01:27,680 --> 00:01:32,520 Speaker 2: confident people that is so alluring, so fabulous, and how 24 00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:37,279 Speaker 2: we can emulate it, how we can cultivate this brilliant, bright, 25 00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:44,800 Speaker 2: amazing attitude. Because confidence, my friends, it's actually not something 26 00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:48,440 Speaker 2: that you were born with. It is a skill, a 27 00:01:48,480 --> 00:01:52,320 Speaker 2: skill that you can develop. One of my closest friends, Percy, 28 00:01:52,440 --> 00:01:55,840 Speaker 2: actually inspired this episode friend of the show. We love Percy. 29 00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:59,400 Speaker 2: She is what simularly well, she similarly is a very 30 00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:03,360 Speaker 2: confident person, and she just approaches every single social situation, 31 00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:08,360 Speaker 2: every work presentation, every first date with just such a grounded, 32 00:02:08,680 --> 00:02:13,160 Speaker 2: secure mindset. It's honestly, it's sexy, Like she is so 33 00:02:13,240 --> 00:02:16,800 Speaker 2: magnetic to watch and sometimes I've even like found myself 34 00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:19,000 Speaker 2: just being like where did this come from? Like who 35 00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:22,680 Speaker 2: is this amazing woman? Because her confidence is like an aura, 36 00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:26,480 Speaker 2: It's like a color that almost surrounds her. And I 37 00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:30,440 Speaker 2: think it's so easy to observe people like her and 38 00:02:30,560 --> 00:02:33,360 Speaker 2: conclude that she was simply born with this, this is 39 00:02:33,760 --> 00:02:36,880 Speaker 2: always who she was going to become. But the thing is, 40 00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:40,720 Speaker 2: I've been friends with Percy for some time, for a 41 00:02:40,720 --> 00:02:43,240 Speaker 2: long time, and I know her very well, and I 42 00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:45,280 Speaker 2: know that this is not always what she was like 43 00:02:45,440 --> 00:02:49,200 Speaker 2: she was a very shy, reserved kid. I know she 44 00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:52,960 Speaker 2: was bullied quite badly. I know she really struggled, And 45 00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:55,679 Speaker 2: so it really got me thinking, what does she kind 46 00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:59,760 Speaker 2: of know that we don't like? What is this for 47 00:02:59,840 --> 00:03:02,320 Speaker 2: me that she has? What are the profound kind of 48 00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:07,600 Speaker 2: psychological principles or shifts that delineate people who are confident 49 00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:09,480 Speaker 2: and people who are not confident? What is it about 50 00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:13,040 Speaker 2: the history they're upbringing their personality whatever it is, and 51 00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:18,480 Speaker 2: what about that can we change? What about ourselves can 52 00:03:18,520 --> 00:03:22,000 Speaker 2: we kind of work with to come into any situation 53 00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:24,640 Speaker 2: and just feel like we own the room, feel like 54 00:03:24,680 --> 00:03:28,639 Speaker 2: we deserve and belong to be there. Because once we 55 00:03:28,800 --> 00:03:33,840 Speaker 2: understand the science of confidence, once we kind of break 56 00:03:33,840 --> 00:03:36,400 Speaker 2: down the myth that confidence is only something that you 57 00:03:36,440 --> 00:03:39,440 Speaker 2: are born with, we really do become unstoppable. Like we 58 00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:44,240 Speaker 2: become unstoppable in work, in romance, in friendship, in loving ourselves, 59 00:03:44,360 --> 00:03:46,560 Speaker 2: in directing our lives. You know, the list could go 60 00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:48,960 Speaker 2: on and on and on. So where do we begin, 61 00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:51,760 Speaker 2: what do we do? How do we get there? That 62 00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:55,000 Speaker 2: is exactly what we are going to talk about today, 63 00:03:55,040 --> 00:04:04,360 Speaker 2: your formula for confidence. Let's get into it. So let's 64 00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:10,000 Speaker 2: begin by dismantling this core assumption or core misconception. I 65 00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:14,760 Speaker 2: should say that confidence is a fixed personal attribute. You 66 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:18,440 Speaker 2: either have it or you don't. Is that true or not? Well, 67 00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:20,000 Speaker 2: I'm going to give you the answer right now, and 68 00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:22,480 Speaker 2: then I'm going to give you the explanation. The answer 69 00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:26,440 Speaker 2: is no, it's not. According to research, including a really 70 00:04:26,720 --> 00:04:30,719 Speaker 2: comprehensive study on the heritability of confidence conducted in twenty 71 00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:35,479 Speaker 2: twenty one, confidence is only between nine to twenty eight 72 00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:40,000 Speaker 2: percent heritable. What that means, if you don't understand genetics, 73 00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:43,240 Speaker 2: because sometimes I barely do, is that the majority of 74 00:04:43,279 --> 00:04:46,720 Speaker 2: our confidence, somewhere between seventy two and ninety one percent, 75 00:04:47,240 --> 00:04:53,680 Speaker 2: is shaped by things like environment, experiences, mindset choices, not 76 00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:57,359 Speaker 2: just your genetics, not just things that feel outside of 77 00:04:57,400 --> 00:05:01,200 Speaker 2: your orbit of control. For the most part, something like 78 00:05:01,240 --> 00:05:05,720 Speaker 2: confidence is something that we can change. We can we 79 00:05:05,760 --> 00:05:09,720 Speaker 2: can kind of intercept and form to our desires. And 80 00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:13,279 Speaker 2: to truly understand why this is the case, and to 81 00:05:13,279 --> 00:05:16,320 Speaker 2: truly understand like the foundation of confidence, you have to 82 00:05:16,440 --> 00:05:20,280 Speaker 2: understand one of its core ingredients, which is self efficacy. 83 00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:24,479 Speaker 2: Self efficacy is a concept that was first named or labeled, 84 00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:27,680 Speaker 2: I guess by someone called Albert Bondura, a very famous 85 00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:30,440 Speaker 2: social psychologist who we talk about a lot, and it 86 00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:34,640 Speaker 2: is basically our belief in our capacity to execute the 87 00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:40,599 Speaker 2: behavior is necessary to produce specific performance attainments. In simpler terms, 88 00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:43,080 Speaker 2: because that is such a convoluted definition, it is your 89 00:05:43,080 --> 00:05:47,200 Speaker 2: belief that you can successfully perform a given task, you 90 00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:51,400 Speaker 2: can achieve a particular goal, you can I guess, present 91 00:05:51,440 --> 00:05:56,760 Speaker 2: yourself a specific way based on your intentions and your desires. 92 00:05:57,400 --> 00:06:00,080 Speaker 2: It is not so much your belief that things will 93 00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:03,359 Speaker 2: go well. It's not so much your belief that people 94 00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:06,480 Speaker 2: will like you. It's not your belief in anything outside 95 00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:10,080 Speaker 2: of your control. It is belief in yourself. Before we 96 00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:14,919 Speaker 2: can become confident, we need self efficacy. And the great 97 00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:18,640 Speaker 2: thing about self efficacy is that it can only be 98 00:06:18,839 --> 00:06:22,400 Speaker 2: built and earned. It cannot just be granted to us. 99 00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:25,200 Speaker 2: It is not either there or not the moment we 100 00:06:25,240 --> 00:06:29,400 Speaker 2: are born. So there are four primary sources through which 101 00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:34,040 Speaker 2: self efficacy is developed and strengthened. When you understand these sources, 102 00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:38,039 Speaker 2: you kind of precisely know how confidence is built in 103 00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:41,359 Speaker 2: someone brick by brick, through the process of learning and 104 00:06:41,480 --> 00:06:46,000 Speaker 2: environment and experiences. So the first source, the very first 105 00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:52,839 Speaker 2: one is something called mastery experiences or inactive attainments. Basically, 106 00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:57,200 Speaker 2: when you successfully perform a task, especially one that you 107 00:06:57,279 --> 00:07:02,360 Speaker 2: initially found rather challenging, it creates a belief in your capabilities. 108 00:07:02,920 --> 00:07:06,080 Speaker 2: This starts like as like from like three months old. 109 00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:09,400 Speaker 2: Let's use the example of learning how to ride a bike, 110 00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:11,400 Speaker 2: because it's a very good one. You know, the riding 111 00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:14,680 Speaker 2: a bike is kind of scary, Like it is kind 112 00:07:14,680 --> 00:07:16,600 Speaker 2: of scary, like you have to balance on these two 113 00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:19,320 Speaker 2: wheels and you can go really really fast and you'll 114 00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:22,680 Speaker 2: probably fall off. You know. The first few attempts involve 115 00:07:22,720 --> 00:07:26,080 Speaker 2: wobbling and falling, and that erodes your confidence. But with 116 00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:29,520 Speaker 2: each kind of like successful pedal stroke, each moment of balance, 117 00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:33,400 Speaker 2: like your belief and your ability to ride independently grows stronger. 118 00:07:34,320 --> 00:07:36,720 Speaker 2: It's all based on these moments of feeling like I 119 00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:39,640 Speaker 2: didn't believe I could do this, but I can, and 120 00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:42,920 Speaker 2: that for our mind kind of acts as these concrete 121 00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:48,760 Speaker 2: data points that rewire your internal narrative. It rewires your 122 00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:51,640 Speaker 2: trust and your own abilities, the fact that you've kind 123 00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:55,680 Speaker 2: of you are capable. Now the brain actively seeks and 124 00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:59,920 Speaker 2: reinforces these positive experiences, which means that the next time 125 00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:03,600 Speaker 2: you encounter something scary or new, the judgment of others, 126 00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:06,960 Speaker 2: the beginning of a new job, whatever it is, your 127 00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:09,760 Speaker 2: brain kind of subconsciously looks back at these prior moments 128 00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:11,760 Speaker 2: and goes, actually, no, like, we are fully capable of 129 00:08:12,160 --> 00:08:17,880 Speaker 2: managing this. These moments of mastery can be deliberately created, 130 00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:21,920 Speaker 2: and that's really important because the more times you show 131 00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:25,720 Speaker 2: yourself through trial and error and through believing in yourself 132 00:08:25,720 --> 00:08:30,080 Speaker 2: that you can do something, the more confident you will become. Next, 133 00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:34,160 Speaker 2: we have vicarious experiences or social modeling. We are, of 134 00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:37,959 Speaker 2: course inherently social beings, and we learn a tremendous amount 135 00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:42,599 Speaker 2: by simply observing others. When you see someone similar to 136 00:08:42,679 --> 00:08:46,800 Speaker 2: yourself successfully perform a task that you want to do, 137 00:08:47,440 --> 00:08:51,280 Speaker 2: it can significantly strengthen your belief that you also possess 138 00:08:51,360 --> 00:08:56,520 Speaker 2: the capabilities to master similar activities. This is why mentors, 139 00:08:56,720 --> 00:09:01,480 Speaker 2: role models, even peers are so u in building confidence. 140 00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:06,080 Speaker 2: If you're abudding entrepreneur and you see someone from a 141 00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:09,520 Speaker 2: similar background successfully launch their business, it sends a really 142 00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:12,600 Speaker 2: powerful message like, if they can do it, maybe I 143 00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:17,720 Speaker 2: can too. This actually really explains why representation matters and 144 00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:21,440 Speaker 2: is so important for marginalized groups. There was a study 145 00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:25,480 Speaker 2: done in twenty sixteen in the UK and researchers asked 146 00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:30,000 Speaker 2: high achieving university students from underrepresented backgrounds to basically send 147 00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:34,240 Speaker 2: letters to students from similar backgrounds who were considering university 148 00:09:34,679 --> 00:09:37,760 Speaker 2: and just talk about their experience, talk about the fact 149 00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:41,840 Speaker 2: that it's possible. So there were over eleven thousand people 150 00:09:42,360 --> 00:09:45,960 Speaker 2: in this study and these letters were really positive. They 151 00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:48,520 Speaker 2: were like, shoot for the stars, you can do it. 152 00:09:48,559 --> 00:09:53,480 Speaker 2: Aim higher and the researchers tracked students application decisions and 153 00:09:53,520 --> 00:09:56,880 Speaker 2: found that there was a significant increase in applications to 154 00:09:56,960 --> 00:10:00,520 Speaker 2: more prestigious unis amongst the group that received the letters 155 00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:05,160 Speaker 2: versus groups that did not. So this isn't about blind imitation. 156 00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:08,760 Speaker 2: It's about seeing a pathway to success that is demonstrated 157 00:10:08,760 --> 00:10:12,720 Speaker 2: by others, which then informs your own sense of possibility. 158 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:15,679 Speaker 2: It's also why I think that we could do with 159 00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:18,920 Speaker 2: more admiration in this society. Instead of being jealous of 160 00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:21,560 Speaker 2: people who are have what you want, or have the 161 00:10:21,559 --> 00:10:23,320 Speaker 2: life that you want, or who are doing better than you, 162 00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:28,000 Speaker 2: these people can actors basically proof that your dreams, maybe 163 00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:30,440 Speaker 2: you aren't even that aren't big enough. Because this person 164 00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:33,400 Speaker 2: has managed to do it, therefore you can too. There 165 00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:37,600 Speaker 2: is a pathway that is accessible. So confidence can be 166 00:10:37,679 --> 00:10:41,960 Speaker 2: acquired through observation in a really significant way. The third 167 00:10:42,040 --> 00:10:45,520 Speaker 2: way we gain self efficacy is through social persuasion. So 168 00:10:45,559 --> 00:10:49,600 Speaker 2: it's not observing someone else doing something, it's being encouraged 169 00:10:50,080 --> 00:10:53,640 Speaker 2: by people who you admire, having people like a coach, 170 00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:59,000 Speaker 2: a parent, a teacher, a friend, someone that can say 171 00:10:59,080 --> 00:11:02,079 Speaker 2: you're doing a good job. You are capable of doing 172 00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:07,560 Speaker 2: this positive feedback. It's truly so motivational because we really 173 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:12,000 Speaker 2: do like external validation secretly but also not secretly. And 174 00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:13,839 Speaker 2: so if you have someone who you admire who was 175 00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:16,920 Speaker 2: saying like, wow, you really are getting better and you're 176 00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:21,160 Speaker 2: improving and you're doing well, you're actually prepared to fail more. 177 00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:25,480 Speaker 2: You're prepared to fail more in some circumstances, at least 178 00:11:25,880 --> 00:11:30,400 Speaker 2: because you have this weird desire within you to succeed more, 179 00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:33,920 Speaker 2: and you kind of put yourself you kind of face 180 00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:37,520 Speaker 2: opportunities more often, You put yourself on the path for 181 00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:40,360 Speaker 2: success more often, even though you know that failure might 182 00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:43,920 Speaker 2: be a possibility, because you believe in yourself even in 183 00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:46,400 Speaker 2: those moments when you do fail, because you have this 184 00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:51,600 Speaker 2: strong sense of someone else believes in me, despite missed opportunities, 185 00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:55,960 Speaker 2: despite moments of ill confidence. Therefore I can believe in myself. 186 00:11:56,960 --> 00:12:01,079 Speaker 2: There's also the opposite, which is discouragement. Other people can 187 00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:05,120 Speaker 2: really make us feel terrible about ourselves, from parents who 188 00:12:05,160 --> 00:12:07,240 Speaker 2: are dismissive to childhood bullies. 189 00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:07,640 Speaker 1: You know. 190 00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:10,320 Speaker 2: I remember I had a teacher once who was really 191 00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:11,760 Speaker 2: really mean to me, and I was like, why do 192 00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:13,920 Speaker 2: you have beef with me? Like I'm literally seven years old? 193 00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:16,520 Speaker 2: And I felt really like I remember feeling really bad 194 00:12:16,559 --> 00:12:18,679 Speaker 2: about myself and not wanting to try and not wanting 195 00:12:18,720 --> 00:12:24,040 Speaker 2: to speak up. Discouragement is equally as powerful as encouragement. 196 00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:28,520 Speaker 2: That is why it is so important to surround yourself 197 00:12:28,559 --> 00:12:33,160 Speaker 2: with good people. It may be hard to go up 198 00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:35,559 Speaker 2: against this if you've had, you know, a family who 199 00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:37,640 Speaker 2: was really awful, or if you were bullied, or if 200 00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:41,480 Speaker 2: you do feel like your environment is really what made 201 00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:43,160 Speaker 2: you the way you were, and it's hard to escape. 202 00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:45,960 Speaker 2: But the older you get, you do have choices to 203 00:12:46,080 --> 00:12:49,240 Speaker 2: be around people who will care about you, who will 204 00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:52,719 Speaker 2: elevate you, who will encourage you. You know, if your 205 00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:57,600 Speaker 2: friends are secretly trying to tear you down or if 206 00:12:57,760 --> 00:13:00,560 Speaker 2: you are constantly listening to what people on a saying 207 00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:03,120 Speaker 2: that is mean or cruel. If you let the words 208 00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:07,480 Speaker 2: of your family members really invade your mindset confidence, it 209 00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:11,360 Speaker 2: will be harder to obtain. Luckily, we have one final 210 00:13:11,520 --> 00:13:14,600 Speaker 2: source of self efficacy to talk about, and that's our 211 00:13:14,640 --> 00:13:19,120 Speaker 2: ability to manage our own emotional reaction to stress. It's 212 00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:25,600 Speaker 2: our physiological and emotional states, our mood, our stress levels 213 00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:29,720 Speaker 2: that can profoundly influence how we judge our potential for success. 214 00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:34,440 Speaker 2: If you're feeling calm, energized and physically prepared for a task, 215 00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:38,120 Speaker 2: you will believe in yourself more than if you went 216 00:13:38,160 --> 00:13:40,680 Speaker 2: to bed super late, or if you have had too 217 00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:44,800 Speaker 2: much coffee or you're hungry. These choices matter, and these 218 00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:48,040 Speaker 2: are choices that you have control over. Basically, how you 219 00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:50,880 Speaker 2: approach stress, how you learn to relate to your emotions, 220 00:13:51,360 --> 00:13:54,040 Speaker 2: how you physically prepare yourself is a factor in whether 221 00:13:54,080 --> 00:13:56,920 Speaker 2: you feel capable. But that also means that we can 222 00:13:57,000 --> 00:14:01,760 Speaker 2: create routines and patterns and additions that we know will 223 00:14:01,760 --> 00:14:04,880 Speaker 2: make us feel confident and good as a way to 224 00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:08,560 Speaker 2: prepare us and counteract negative emotional states that kind of 225 00:14:08,559 --> 00:14:10,960 Speaker 2: come with doing new things or being in front of 226 00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:15,400 Speaker 2: new people. So when you understand these four sources, it 227 00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:19,560 Speaker 2: becomes really clear right that confidence isn't an inherited trait. 228 00:14:20,080 --> 00:14:23,840 Speaker 2: If you consistently seek out opportunities for mastery, if you 229 00:14:24,040 --> 00:14:27,320 Speaker 2: observe others who are successful, if you go where you 230 00:14:27,360 --> 00:14:30,560 Speaker 2: are valued, if you learn how to manage your anxiety 231 00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:34,360 Speaker 2: and your physiological state, your self efficacy and therefore your 232 00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:39,320 Speaker 2: confidence will likely grow. It is important here to talk 233 00:14:39,320 --> 00:14:45,000 Speaker 2: about the fact that although confidence isn't inherited, it is, 234 00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:49,560 Speaker 2: you know, really quite deeply influenced by how you were 235 00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:53,640 Speaker 2: raised and who you grew up around. You know, if 236 00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:57,080 Speaker 2: you again had parents who are deeply discouraging, if you 237 00:14:57,080 --> 00:15:00,680 Speaker 2: grew up in poverty, if you grew up with you know, 238 00:15:01,160 --> 00:15:05,000 Speaker 2: mentors or teachers or no examples of success, you are 239 00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:07,800 Speaker 2: starting from a harder point. And we have to be 240 00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:11,680 Speaker 2: completely honest about that. It's not about ignoring those disadvantages. 241 00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:14,640 Speaker 2: I would not be doing my job if I sat 242 00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:18,880 Speaker 2: here and said everyone starts from zero and starts at 243 00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:20,680 Speaker 2: the same starting point, you know what I mean, and 244 00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:23,640 Speaker 2: everyone has the equal ability to build confidence, because it's 245 00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:26,560 Speaker 2: just not the case. But what I'm really trying to 246 00:15:26,560 --> 00:15:29,240 Speaker 2: say is that it is possible. So it's not like 247 00:15:29,280 --> 00:15:33,400 Speaker 2: if you've had these experiences, you are completely doomed. If 248 00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:36,600 Speaker 2: you have been raised to shrink yourself, to talk down 249 00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:40,080 Speaker 2: to yourself, if you don't feel great about yourself, these 250 00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:43,400 Speaker 2: are things that can actually be undone. They were done 251 00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:46,640 Speaker 2: to you. That means that they have kind of like 252 00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:50,520 Speaker 2: a counteracting or counterbalancing action that can also do upon 253 00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:53,280 Speaker 2: you that you can do upon yourself, not to reverse 254 00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:57,000 Speaker 2: those things and to reverse those experiences, but to integrate 255 00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:58,640 Speaker 2: them and say that you are more than them. We're 256 00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:00,400 Speaker 2: going to talk a little bit more about that later on, 257 00:16:00,480 --> 00:16:03,560 Speaker 2: but I think it's an important caveat to add here. 258 00:16:04,640 --> 00:16:07,920 Speaker 2: Now that we kind of understand self efficacy, let's also 259 00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:11,400 Speaker 2: talk about how confidence is in part dictated by the 260 00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:14,800 Speaker 2: conversation that you have with yourself. If you want to 261 00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:19,000 Speaker 2: understand how you can make yourself believe that you are confident, 262 00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:23,280 Speaker 2: you have to know the name Carol Dweck. She is 263 00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:28,080 Speaker 2: a renowned Stanford psychologist, one of the best who discovered 264 00:16:28,080 --> 00:16:32,640 Speaker 2: that there are two and really only two fundamental mindsets 265 00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:36,920 Speaker 2: we can have regarding our intelligence and our abilities. You've 266 00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:39,720 Speaker 2: probably heard of them before. You can either have a 267 00:16:39,840 --> 00:16:45,960 Speaker 2: fixed or a growth mindset. Someone with a fixed mindset 268 00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:51,840 Speaker 2: believes that they're basic abilities. Their intelligence, their confidence, These 269 00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:56,120 Speaker 2: are static traits. They are what they are. They were 270 00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:58,920 Speaker 2: born that way. There's little that can be done to 271 00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:01,520 Speaker 2: change them. If you're good at math, it's because you 272 00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:04,160 Speaker 2: were born being good at math. If you don't have confidence, 273 00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:06,600 Speaker 2: it's because that's how you were born. There's nothing you 274 00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:10,000 Speaker 2: can change. There's nothing you do to change that. This 275 00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:15,399 Speaker 2: kind of perspective is voluntary. I know it's going to 276 00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:18,080 Speaker 2: sound harsh, but you do choose to believe that way. 277 00:17:18,760 --> 00:17:21,640 Speaker 2: And so what that means is that when you face obstacles, 278 00:17:22,119 --> 00:17:25,840 Speaker 2: when you face setbacks, when you look at your confidence 279 00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:28,960 Speaker 2: levels and feel depleted by them, you don't feel like 280 00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:32,800 Speaker 2: you can change them. You feel like you are always 281 00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:36,720 Speaker 2: going to be this way. In contrast, a person with 282 00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:41,159 Speaker 2: a growth mindset believes in themselves but also believes that 283 00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:46,040 Speaker 2: their most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and 284 00:17:46,080 --> 00:17:51,480 Speaker 2: hard work and practice and your brain, talent, personality, those 285 00:17:51,520 --> 00:17:54,560 Speaker 2: are just starting points. In other words, they have what 286 00:17:54,600 --> 00:17:59,159 Speaker 2: we call an internal locus of control. They believe in 287 00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:03,119 Speaker 2: their ability to change their actions and therefore an outcome, 288 00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:07,400 Speaker 2: but also to change their fate. Basically, when you believe 289 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:11,960 Speaker 2: I am capable, I'm expanding, I am learning, I'm experiencing, 290 00:18:12,359 --> 00:18:16,399 Speaker 2: I am confident, you act that way. You know that 291 00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:19,440 Speaker 2: how you think about your situation and how you think 292 00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:23,560 Speaker 2: about yourself will influence what part what parts of yourself 293 00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:27,760 Speaker 2: grow and expand, and what parts you know ultimately shrink. 294 00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:32,959 Speaker 2: The reality, of course, is more nuanced. We've kind of 295 00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:36,520 Speaker 2: already talked about this. You know, confidence is a skill. 296 00:18:36,600 --> 00:18:39,280 Speaker 2: It is something that comes from mindset. It isn't something 297 00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:41,560 Speaker 2: that you're born with, but there are other things that 298 00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:44,920 Speaker 2: we are born into that can make it harder. What 299 00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:49,040 Speaker 2: it's about discerning is really when your mindset can trump 300 00:18:49,119 --> 00:18:53,960 Speaker 2: those things and when it cannot, And that's when having 301 00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:57,560 Speaker 2: a formula for confidence, or having skills and things in 302 00:18:57,680 --> 00:19:01,040 Speaker 2: like your toolbox really helps because instead of just feeling 303 00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:05,040 Speaker 2: paralyzed by situations, you do have options to try out 304 00:19:05,119 --> 00:19:09,119 Speaker 2: to kind of counteract your lack of confidence, counteract your anxiety, 305 00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:13,719 Speaker 2: counteract your social anxiety, counteract your imposter syndrome or your 306 00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:17,600 Speaker 2: belief that you don't deserve to be there. So that 307 00:19:17,640 --> 00:19:19,520 Speaker 2: really leads to the biggest question that we have today. 308 00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:21,880 Speaker 2: How do we do that. I'm not just gonna leave 309 00:19:21,920 --> 00:19:25,680 Speaker 2: you guys here without some practical tips, including the formulas 310 00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:27,600 Speaker 2: of some of the most confident people in the world, 311 00:19:28,040 --> 00:19:31,440 Speaker 2: how you can walk into any room feeling amazing, unshakable, 312 00:19:32,119 --> 00:19:37,040 Speaker 2: completely yourself. That's what we're going to explore after this shortbreak. 313 00:19:41,840 --> 00:19:44,560 Speaker 2: Confidence is truly a mental game, and the good thing 314 00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:47,720 Speaker 2: about that is that if you have the right mental strategies, 315 00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:51,320 Speaker 2: you can bring these with you everywhere. You can apply 316 00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:53,760 Speaker 2: them in any situation. If your brain's coming with you, 317 00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:56,919 Speaker 2: these strategies are coming with you as well. So the 318 00:19:57,000 --> 00:20:00,000 Speaker 2: first part of our mindset that we want to target 319 00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:03,159 Speaker 2: it are the deeper beliefs that we have that we 320 00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:06,760 Speaker 2: don't deserve to be confident at all, or that people 321 00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:08,960 Speaker 2: will always be able to see through us, They will 322 00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:11,600 Speaker 2: always see us as a fraud, they will always know 323 00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:15,280 Speaker 2: we're faking it. We call these thoughts, or at least 324 00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:22,119 Speaker 2: I call them confidence blockers. Your thoughts are powerful architects 325 00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:24,960 Speaker 2: of your confidence and of your self belief. So I 326 00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:28,560 Speaker 2: do need you to become aware of your confidence blockers, 327 00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:32,960 Speaker 2: or your inner critics. What is your inner critics' favorite 328 00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:36,680 Speaker 2: catchphrase and favorite thing to tell you when you're putting 329 00:20:36,720 --> 00:20:40,000 Speaker 2: yourself out there or trying something new, probably something along 330 00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:42,600 Speaker 2: the lines of you can't do this, You're definitely going 331 00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:44,880 Speaker 2: to mess it up. Everyone's going to know that you're 332 00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:48,800 Speaker 2: a fraud. Everyone's going to see you fail. Not true firstly, 333 00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:55,200 Speaker 2: but when those self defeating thoughts surface, consciously pause, then 334 00:20:55,280 --> 00:20:59,000 Speaker 2: begin to question them, is that thought truly one hundred 335 00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:03,240 Speaker 2: percent accurate? Like what concrete evidence do you actually have 336 00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:06,160 Speaker 2: for that? And what evidence do you have against it? 337 00:21:07,240 --> 00:21:09,880 Speaker 2: You can fight back. You know, your inner critic isn't 338 00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:12,240 Speaker 2: the only one with a voice. You're in a cheerleader 339 00:21:12,800 --> 00:21:15,639 Speaker 2: also has something to say, and they can say it louder, 340 00:21:16,040 --> 00:21:20,639 Speaker 2: they can freakin scream it. You get to choose what 341 00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:23,560 Speaker 2: you want to believe about the future and about where 342 00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:25,680 Speaker 2: you sit in the future, because it hasn't happened yet. 343 00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:28,119 Speaker 2: So as much as your in a critic wants you 344 00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:29,720 Speaker 2: to believe that you're going to fail and you're going 345 00:21:29,760 --> 00:21:33,680 Speaker 2: to embarrass yourself, it has no idea. It has no 346 00:21:33,680 --> 00:21:35,520 Speaker 2: more idea than you're in a cheerleader who thinks that 347 00:21:35,520 --> 00:21:39,280 Speaker 2: you're going to do absolutely amazing. So every time you 348 00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:43,440 Speaker 2: encounter a confidence blocker, I want you to repeat this mantra. Well, 349 00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:47,960 Speaker 2: this series of martras, I'm magnetic. People flock to me. 350 00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:52,520 Speaker 2: My energy. It opens doors before I arrive. I move 351 00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:56,159 Speaker 2: through this space, steady and prepared. I am calm, I 352 00:21:56,240 --> 00:21:59,560 Speaker 2: am collected. I deserve to be here. I am confident. 353 00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:03,719 Speaker 2: Any version of this, any series of phrases that supports 354 00:22:03,760 --> 00:22:07,040 Speaker 2: you and elevates you, and which capture you and you 355 00:22:07,080 --> 00:22:09,760 Speaker 2: know entro all you. I need you to be ready 356 00:22:09,800 --> 00:22:12,719 Speaker 2: to kind of like throw them at your owner critic. 357 00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:15,360 Speaker 2: I kind of think of it as like throwing balls 358 00:22:15,840 --> 00:22:18,879 Speaker 2: of sunshine, and like each time a ball of sunshine 359 00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:21,439 Speaker 2: like hits your like the shadow of your inner critic, 360 00:22:21,480 --> 00:22:24,000 Speaker 2: Like it gets smaller and smaller, and like parts of 361 00:22:24,040 --> 00:22:26,320 Speaker 2: it like dissolve away, whatever makes it visual for you. 362 00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:30,639 Speaker 2: Positive self talk like this is incredibly powerful. You and 363 00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:33,520 Speaker 2: your brain have a two way relationship. You are what 364 00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:37,919 Speaker 2: you tell your brain. You become the words and the 365 00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:41,000 Speaker 2: sayings that you speak to yourself. It's a process kind 366 00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:45,080 Speaker 2: of loosely known as linguistic relativity. Basically, the premise of 367 00:22:45,080 --> 00:22:48,000 Speaker 2: this is that the language that we use towards ourselves 368 00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:51,919 Speaker 2: and towards the world doesn't just reflect what we're thinking 369 00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:55,160 Speaker 2: but actually shapes how we think. So if you are 370 00:22:55,240 --> 00:22:59,360 Speaker 2: constantly using harsh or limiting language towards yourself, you may 371 00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:02,479 Speaker 2: literally narrow how you see the world and how you 372 00:23:02,520 --> 00:23:07,120 Speaker 2: see yourself within it. Conversely, if you use empowering language, 373 00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:12,000 Speaker 2: confident language, open language, you broaden your sense of agency 374 00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:15,760 Speaker 2: and you broaden your sense of the world. If you 375 00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:18,000 Speaker 2: say to yourself and sorry, I'm going to sound so 376 00:23:18,119 --> 00:23:20,520 Speaker 2: repetitive here, but I promise I have a different point. 377 00:23:20,920 --> 00:23:23,600 Speaker 2: If you say to yourself, I will succeed in this moment. 378 00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:28,080 Speaker 2: I will be an image of confidence and power that 379 00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:31,359 Speaker 2: creates somewhat of a self fulfilling prophecy, which we know 380 00:23:31,720 --> 00:23:36,640 Speaker 2: is a psychologically proven and relevant concept because the expectations 381 00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:40,560 Speaker 2: you set, especially through internal dialogue, influence your behavior in 382 00:23:40,640 --> 00:23:45,159 Speaker 2: subliminal ways that often make your expectations come true. I 383 00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:49,359 Speaker 2: also want you to sincerely ask yourself, right now, why 384 00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:52,760 Speaker 2: don't you deserve to be confident? Let's put on our 385 00:23:52,800 --> 00:23:57,080 Speaker 2: investigator hat for a second. Who convinced me that this 386 00:23:57,160 --> 00:24:00,440 Speaker 2: is who I am? Who made me feel small? Who 387 00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:03,639 Speaker 2: told me that I should shrink and that this is 388 00:24:03,640 --> 00:24:08,000 Speaker 2: where I belong and I should be silent and more importantly, 389 00:24:08,040 --> 00:24:11,240 Speaker 2: what makes them right? Seriously, like, what evidence do they have? 390 00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:15,359 Speaker 2: Are they like the head of some accredited committee. Have 391 00:24:15,480 --> 00:24:18,040 Speaker 2: they been ordained to be able to do this? Do 392 00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:21,960 Speaker 2: they have some degree or some authority? And who's allowed 393 00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:26,600 Speaker 2: to be confident? And who doesn't? No, they literally don't. 394 00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:29,320 Speaker 2: They just have an opinion, and you can have a 395 00:24:29,359 --> 00:24:31,640 Speaker 2: better opinion. You can have an opinion that's more accurate 396 00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:35,320 Speaker 2: because you know yourself better than anyone. You know you're 397 00:24:35,320 --> 00:24:38,280 Speaker 2: a good person, you know you're thoughtful, you know you're smart, 398 00:24:38,680 --> 00:24:40,159 Speaker 2: you know that you have things to say and that 399 00:24:40,240 --> 00:24:42,600 Speaker 2: you deserve success. You know that better than anyone because 400 00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:45,280 Speaker 2: you have to live with yourself every single day and 401 00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:49,439 Speaker 2: they don't. So you can choose to disagree not only 402 00:24:49,480 --> 00:24:53,320 Speaker 2: with your inner critic, but also with whoever it is parent, 403 00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:59,600 Speaker 2: family member, ex boyfriend, ex best friend who convince you 404 00:24:59,680 --> 00:25:04,240 Speaker 2: to be silent. Another incredible way to curate a confident 405 00:25:04,320 --> 00:25:11,280 Speaker 2: mindset is through visualization. Visualization is so psychologically powerful, It's 406 00:25:11,320 --> 00:25:14,080 Speaker 2: why we talk about it so much. Visualize how you 407 00:25:14,119 --> 00:25:16,000 Speaker 2: want to enter a room before you enter it, and 408 00:25:16,040 --> 00:25:18,919 Speaker 2: you will enter the room that way. Visualize how you 409 00:25:18,960 --> 00:25:22,119 Speaker 2: want others to feel in your presence, and often they 410 00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:25,879 Speaker 2: will feel that way. Visualize your voice being steady, Visualize 411 00:25:25,920 --> 00:25:30,280 Speaker 2: the eye contact you'll make, Visualize your posture, Visualize your power. 412 00:25:31,080 --> 00:25:34,200 Speaker 2: There are a few exercises to make this easier. One 413 00:25:34,320 --> 00:25:37,600 Speaker 2: I have spoken about before many times called the golden 414 00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:41,920 Speaker 2: Orb theory. This is the one that I personally use. 415 00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:44,000 Speaker 2: If you have ever met me at like a meetup, 416 00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:46,560 Speaker 2: or like on my book tour or at a live event, 417 00:25:47,160 --> 00:25:49,440 Speaker 2: I promise you that I have been doing this when 418 00:25:49,440 --> 00:25:53,800 Speaker 2: you have met me. This is what happens I before 419 00:25:53,840 --> 00:25:58,760 Speaker 2: I enter into any room, I feel this nice golden 420 00:25:59,840 --> 00:26:03,720 Speaker 2: orb in my heart. Obviously it's not there we're visualizing, 421 00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:08,680 Speaker 2: but I imagine there is this like pulsating, beautiful ball 422 00:26:08,720 --> 00:26:11,800 Speaker 2: of light. And every time I breathe in and breathe 423 00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:14,720 Speaker 2: out as I step into this room and expands and 424 00:26:14,840 --> 00:26:17,080 Speaker 2: expands and expands, and any time I make eye contact 425 00:26:17,119 --> 00:26:20,080 Speaker 2: with someone and have a conversation, that fuels it even more. 426 00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:23,600 Speaker 2: And this ball, this orb just gets bigger and bigger 427 00:26:23,640 --> 00:26:26,760 Speaker 2: and bigger, so that anyone it touches, anyone who comes 428 00:26:26,840 --> 00:26:33,280 Speaker 2: into contact with it, immediately feels comfortable, immediately feels tied 429 00:26:33,359 --> 00:26:37,160 Speaker 2: to me, immediately feels you know, good around me immediately 430 00:26:37,160 --> 00:26:38,919 Speaker 2: feels like their best self, and I feel like my 431 00:26:39,040 --> 00:26:42,119 Speaker 2: best self. And it's this visual way of imagining that 432 00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:44,840 Speaker 2: I get to control how other people are feeling. Obviously 433 00:26:44,880 --> 00:26:47,280 Speaker 2: I don't, but I do get to control my own 434 00:26:47,320 --> 00:26:50,000 Speaker 2: perception of their feelings. And I know that sounds strange, 435 00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:54,040 Speaker 2: but often with social anxiety or not feeling confident, it's 436 00:26:54,040 --> 00:26:55,760 Speaker 2: not that you don't know that you can handle yourself. 437 00:26:55,840 --> 00:26:58,080 Speaker 2: It's that you're overly worried with how other people are 438 00:26:58,160 --> 00:27:00,760 Speaker 2: going to perceive you. So if you give yourself the 439 00:27:00,800 --> 00:27:04,200 Speaker 2: illusion that you can change their perception, suddenly nothing else 440 00:27:04,240 --> 00:27:07,080 Speaker 2: really matters, and you feel the ability to be authentic 441 00:27:07,119 --> 00:27:10,280 Speaker 2: and natural. And that's what this kind of activity and 442 00:27:10,359 --> 00:27:13,560 Speaker 2: exercise really does for me. There's another one. It's known 443 00:27:13,600 --> 00:27:16,720 Speaker 2: as the golden thread trick. Golden or theory golden thread trick, 444 00:27:16,760 --> 00:27:20,040 Speaker 2: you're seeing a theme. Basically, it's about imagining like a 445 00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:23,720 Speaker 2: golden thread pulling from the top of your head into 446 00:27:23,800 --> 00:27:27,600 Speaker 2: the sky. Instead of controlling you, it's elevating you, and 447 00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:30,480 Speaker 2: it's making sure that you take up space. It's not 448 00:27:30,480 --> 00:27:32,880 Speaker 2: gonna let you slouch, it's not gonna let you shrink. 449 00:27:33,800 --> 00:27:36,560 Speaker 2: It wants you to be present, and you have like 450 00:27:36,640 --> 00:27:40,000 Speaker 2: the permission from this golden string, this thing way up high, 451 00:27:40,080 --> 00:27:42,280 Speaker 2: going into the cosmos and beyond, to be here and 452 00:27:42,320 --> 00:27:45,760 Speaker 2: to be strong. You're drawing all of your power from it. 453 00:27:46,520 --> 00:27:52,320 Speaker 2: There's also the very famous act as if technique, the 454 00:27:52,400 --> 00:27:57,080 Speaker 2: act as if technique. It's a psychological strategy that involves 455 00:27:57,320 --> 00:28:00,080 Speaker 2: behaving as if you already are the version of your 456 00:28:00,119 --> 00:28:04,239 Speaker 2: self you want to become. Confidence, secure, successful, grounded. You 457 00:28:04,240 --> 00:28:06,960 Speaker 2: are already those things, even if you don't fully feel 458 00:28:06,960 --> 00:28:10,200 Speaker 2: it yet. We talked about modeling before, and modeling really 459 00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:12,280 Speaker 2: asks you to look at someone else who has what 460 00:28:12,359 --> 00:28:15,600 Speaker 2: you have and to kind of emulate them. You can 461 00:28:15,640 --> 00:28:20,480 Speaker 2: also kind of emulate yourself as well, right like you 462 00:28:20,520 --> 00:28:23,119 Speaker 2: can emulate a version of yourself that you think is 463 00:28:23,160 --> 00:28:25,520 Speaker 2: incredible and who you want to become, and who you 464 00:28:25,560 --> 00:28:29,640 Speaker 2: can so clearly visualize. It's not about faking it. It's 465 00:28:29,680 --> 00:28:34,600 Speaker 2: about rehearsing the reality that you're stepping into, and over time, 466 00:28:35,080 --> 00:28:37,520 Speaker 2: the gap between who you are and who you're acting 467 00:28:37,600 --> 00:28:40,360 Speaker 2: as if begins to close, and so you feel like 468 00:28:40,400 --> 00:28:43,920 Speaker 2: that version of you is real. It's like method acting, 469 00:28:43,960 --> 00:28:46,640 Speaker 2: almost method acting for a future version of you that 470 00:28:46,680 --> 00:28:50,760 Speaker 2: you want to become. Also not to bring up modeling again, 471 00:28:51,120 --> 00:28:54,360 Speaker 2: but if it's too hard to fake it, you don't 472 00:28:54,440 --> 00:28:58,440 Speaker 2: have to. You can also borrow your confidence. You can 473 00:28:58,560 --> 00:29:03,200 Speaker 2: borrow other people's innate abilities that you can borrow their 474 00:29:03,280 --> 00:29:07,560 Speaker 2: sense of satisfaction and pride in themselves. When you see 475 00:29:07,560 --> 00:29:10,760 Speaker 2: someone that you really admire, think about the coolest person 476 00:29:10,800 --> 00:29:14,760 Speaker 2: you know, like the coolest, most ambitious, amazing person, aspirational 477 00:29:14,800 --> 00:29:17,520 Speaker 2: person you know. Think about everything that they would do 478 00:29:17,640 --> 00:29:19,600 Speaker 2: in this situation that you're scared to be and how 479 00:29:19,640 --> 00:29:22,160 Speaker 2: would they hold themselves, how would they walk in, how 480 00:29:22,200 --> 00:29:25,160 Speaker 2: would they speak, how would they communicate, how would they be? 481 00:29:26,160 --> 00:29:29,440 Speaker 2: Think about that, take it all and pretend that that's 482 00:29:29,520 --> 00:29:33,520 Speaker 2: you borrow what they have. There was a study that 483 00:29:33,560 --> 00:29:36,920 Speaker 2: I read from twenty twenty one that actually looked at 484 00:29:37,200 --> 00:29:39,720 Speaker 2: how this is used to help train the confidence of 485 00:29:39,960 --> 00:29:42,960 Speaker 2: young Olympic athletes or Olympic hopefuls. And there was a 486 00:29:42,960 --> 00:29:48,400 Speaker 2: study done in Korea, and the researchers basically asked their participants, 487 00:29:48,440 --> 00:29:50,760 Speaker 2: who were people who would probably one day be in 488 00:29:50,800 --> 00:29:54,960 Speaker 2: the Olympics, to borrow their confidence from someone they admired. 489 00:29:55,000 --> 00:29:58,720 Speaker 2: They were paired with an older team member or an 490 00:29:58,720 --> 00:30:02,240 Speaker 2: older Olympic hopeful or an Olympian even at that and 491 00:30:02,640 --> 00:30:08,320 Speaker 2: they were asked to think about them before they started 492 00:30:08,320 --> 00:30:10,760 Speaker 2: swimming or dove off the diving board, or did whatever 493 00:30:10,760 --> 00:30:13,600 Speaker 2: sport they were doing. Think about them, think about what 494 00:30:13,640 --> 00:30:17,160 Speaker 2: they would do, think about how they would stand. And 495 00:30:17,200 --> 00:30:21,000 Speaker 2: their self efficacy, which we know is a crucial ingredient, increased. 496 00:30:21,240 --> 00:30:24,480 Speaker 2: Not only did their self efficacy increase, they were also 497 00:30:24,560 --> 00:30:27,000 Speaker 2: better able to really shift into a flow state. They 498 00:30:27,040 --> 00:30:29,280 Speaker 2: were better able to cut through the noise of their 499 00:30:29,320 --> 00:30:32,560 Speaker 2: own insecurity or their lack of self belief and just 500 00:30:32,640 --> 00:30:36,520 Speaker 2: be present in what they were doing. So just choose 501 00:30:36,560 --> 00:30:40,920 Speaker 2: someone you admire borrow what they have. Another step to 502 00:30:41,000 --> 00:30:43,760 Speaker 2: mastering confidence and really building this skill like a muscle, 503 00:30:44,440 --> 00:30:47,680 Speaker 2: is putting yourself in situations where you can prove to 504 00:30:47,760 --> 00:30:51,640 Speaker 2: yourself you can cope, you can win, you can show up, 505 00:30:51,680 --> 00:30:56,080 Speaker 2: you can be successful. Basically, find ways to experience small 506 00:30:56,120 --> 00:30:59,400 Speaker 2: boosts to your confidence like those mastery experience. As we 507 00:30:59,400 --> 00:31:02,440 Speaker 2: were talking about before, a lot of building confidence is 508 00:31:02,440 --> 00:31:05,920 Speaker 2: actually exposure. Like anything, if you have a social phobia, 509 00:31:06,000 --> 00:31:08,320 Speaker 2: like how they treat most phobias as exposures. If you 510 00:31:08,320 --> 00:31:11,840 Speaker 2: have a social phobia or any kind of anxiety around 511 00:31:12,080 --> 00:31:16,160 Speaker 2: specifically being around people. What someone is probably going to 512 00:31:16,160 --> 00:31:17,800 Speaker 2: ask you, what a therapist is probably going to get 513 00:31:17,800 --> 00:31:21,000 Speaker 2: you to do, is to be in those spaces that 514 00:31:21,160 --> 00:31:24,320 Speaker 2: terrify you the most as much as possible. If you 515 00:31:24,400 --> 00:31:27,200 Speaker 2: are terrified of dating, you have to go on ten 516 00:31:27,280 --> 00:31:29,960 Speaker 2: first dates to win the challenge. If you're scared of 517 00:31:29,960 --> 00:31:33,120 Speaker 2: meeting strangers, you have to go to all these stranger events. 518 00:31:33,600 --> 00:31:37,960 Speaker 2: If you're scared of giving presentations, you have to volunteer 519 00:31:38,120 --> 00:31:43,320 Speaker 2: to do them. No skill, ever, is built simply by 520 00:31:43,360 --> 00:31:47,720 Speaker 2: thinking about it. It's built through practice, It's built through stretching, 521 00:31:48,040 --> 00:31:51,440 Speaker 2: pushing yourself. And you know what, that's really scary. It's 522 00:31:51,480 --> 00:31:54,600 Speaker 2: really freaking scary. It's also the only way to do it, 523 00:31:54,640 --> 00:31:57,520 Speaker 2: I'm sorry to say. And then one day, not too 524 00:31:57,560 --> 00:32:01,200 Speaker 2: long in the future, you'll suddenly you find yourself being 525 00:32:01,240 --> 00:32:04,080 Speaker 2: the person who is no longer at the beginning of 526 00:32:04,080 --> 00:32:07,320 Speaker 2: the story, but you know, halfway through it, who was 527 00:32:07,360 --> 00:32:08,960 Speaker 2: able to turn around and say, I used to be 528 00:32:09,000 --> 00:32:10,720 Speaker 2: someone who really struggled with this. I used to be 529 00:32:10,760 --> 00:32:12,800 Speaker 2: someone who didn't want a date, who didn't want to 530 00:32:12,800 --> 00:32:14,840 Speaker 2: put myself out there, who didn't want to wear these clothes. 531 00:32:14,880 --> 00:32:18,800 Speaker 2: And now I'm a success story because I put in 532 00:32:18,920 --> 00:32:24,600 Speaker 2: the work. Finally, really consciously focus on your sphere of control. 533 00:32:25,280 --> 00:32:29,840 Speaker 2: This is like the practical, everyday application of cultivating a 534 00:32:29,880 --> 00:32:34,480 Speaker 2: growth mindset and a strong locus of control. When you 535 00:32:34,560 --> 00:32:38,680 Speaker 2: find yourself facing a challenge or a daunting situation or decision, 536 00:32:39,520 --> 00:32:41,560 Speaker 2: you have to really ask yourself what parts of this 537 00:32:42,320 --> 00:32:45,560 Speaker 2: can I genuinely do something about and what parts do 538 00:32:45,640 --> 00:32:49,840 Speaker 2: I just have to accept or lean into. Then critically 539 00:32:49,880 --> 00:32:53,000 Speaker 2: direct your energy and your effort solely towards the things 540 00:32:53,040 --> 00:32:57,840 Speaker 2: you can influence. Your preparation, your effort, your belief. You're 541 00:32:57,920 --> 00:33:02,360 Speaker 2: learning your attitude, how you choose to adapt, rather than 542 00:33:02,440 --> 00:33:05,760 Speaker 2: wasting precious time and energy on things that are never 543 00:33:05,840 --> 00:33:07,760 Speaker 2: going to be something you can change even if you 544 00:33:07,800 --> 00:33:12,160 Speaker 2: try your hardest. One huge example of something you can't control, 545 00:33:12,240 --> 00:33:15,000 Speaker 2: and this might surprise you, it's what other people choose 546 00:33:15,400 --> 00:33:18,160 Speaker 2: to think of you. You may be thinking like, oh, wait, 547 00:33:18,240 --> 00:33:21,560 Speaker 2: what the heck, Like, isn't that all we've been talking about? 548 00:33:21,600 --> 00:33:23,760 Speaker 2: Like all those exercises that you just told us, Like, 549 00:33:23,920 --> 00:33:28,360 Speaker 2: wasn't that to control or influence what other people think? No, 550 00:33:28,600 --> 00:33:31,480 Speaker 2: those aren't meant to change what they think. They're meant 551 00:33:31,520 --> 00:33:34,200 Speaker 2: to change what you think. They're meant to change how 552 00:33:34,280 --> 00:33:37,560 Speaker 2: you think about yourself. That is way more powerful than 553 00:33:37,600 --> 00:33:39,800 Speaker 2: ever trying to change other people think of you. They're 554 00:33:39,800 --> 00:33:42,440 Speaker 2: going to follow your example. How you think about yourself 555 00:33:42,560 --> 00:33:45,040 Speaker 2: is how other people will often end up thinking about you. 556 00:33:46,080 --> 00:33:48,880 Speaker 2: People can have whatever opinions they want as well. That's 557 00:33:48,880 --> 00:33:52,760 Speaker 2: also not your business. You just can't control it, and 558 00:33:52,840 --> 00:33:56,680 Speaker 2: you will go mad trying to, because trust me, there 559 00:33:56,680 --> 00:34:01,040 Speaker 2: will always be someone who has negative thoughts about everyone, 560 00:34:01,200 --> 00:34:03,600 Speaker 2: no matter who they are. I think we've all been 561 00:34:03,680 --> 00:34:05,840 Speaker 2: on the internet long enough to know this, right you know, 562 00:34:05,920 --> 00:34:08,880 Speaker 2: literally think about like the coolest person on this planet, 563 00:34:08,920 --> 00:34:13,239 Speaker 2: like the most confident, successful, talented person. I can tell 564 00:34:13,239 --> 00:34:15,600 Speaker 2: you right now, there is someone out there who doesn't 565 00:34:15,640 --> 00:34:18,800 Speaker 2: like that person. There is someone out there who could 566 00:34:18,840 --> 00:34:21,759 Speaker 2: sit down with this person and have a big, in 567 00:34:21,800 --> 00:34:26,440 Speaker 2: depth conversation and still not like them. If confidence only 568 00:34:26,480 --> 00:34:29,160 Speaker 2: came from people liking you, no one would ever be 569 00:34:29,200 --> 00:34:32,080 Speaker 2: confident because everyone there is a hater for everyone out there. 570 00:34:32,440 --> 00:34:35,520 Speaker 2: So instead of fighting against this like immovable brick wall 571 00:34:35,760 --> 00:34:39,560 Speaker 2: that is someone else's nasty thoughts, focus on how you feel. 572 00:34:39,840 --> 00:34:42,000 Speaker 2: What do you want from a situation? How do you 573 00:34:42,040 --> 00:34:45,600 Speaker 2: want to leave feeling. Remember, people that are confident, they're 574 00:34:45,640 --> 00:34:49,279 Speaker 2: not these like shiny, perfect, great at everything people. They 575 00:34:49,320 --> 00:34:52,479 Speaker 2: are often people who can admit when they're not great 576 00:34:52,480 --> 00:34:55,080 Speaker 2: at things, they can ask for help. They also know 577 00:34:55,160 --> 00:34:57,480 Speaker 2: that there will be people who don't like them, but 578 00:34:58,800 --> 00:35:03,480 Speaker 2: they know what's to their control, which is their mindset. Okay, 579 00:35:03,880 --> 00:35:06,879 Speaker 2: we are going to take another short break, but when 580 00:35:06,920 --> 00:35:10,440 Speaker 2: we return, I have some listener questions, some listener dilemmas 581 00:35:10,760 --> 00:35:13,680 Speaker 2: all about confidence, so please stay with us. We will 582 00:35:13,680 --> 00:35:22,160 Speaker 2: be right back after this short break. Welcome back, everybody. 583 00:35:22,719 --> 00:35:26,160 Speaker 2: We have some listener questions coming straight from you guys, obviously, 584 00:35:26,560 --> 00:35:29,120 Speaker 2: the listeners. If you want to be able to partake 585 00:35:29,280 --> 00:35:32,440 Speaker 2: in this section of the podcast, make sure you are 586 00:35:32,480 --> 00:35:38,040 Speaker 2: following us at that Psychology podcast over on Instagram so 587 00:35:38,080 --> 00:35:40,120 Speaker 2: that you can see when I put up question boxes 588 00:35:40,640 --> 00:35:44,959 Speaker 2: for new episodes. Questions for this week, so good. Thank 589 00:35:45,000 --> 00:35:48,640 Speaker 2: you guys for coming out with your question hats on. Wow, 590 00:35:48,680 --> 00:35:51,520 Speaker 2: I sound like a school teacher, but yes, thank you 591 00:35:51,560 --> 00:35:55,120 Speaker 2: for asking some really cool, interesting things. Let's get into it. 592 00:35:55,600 --> 00:35:58,920 Speaker 2: This question, in some form or another, was probably the 593 00:35:59,760 --> 00:36:04,000 Speaker 2: most asked question. I really struggle that if I'm too confident, 594 00:36:04,040 --> 00:36:07,960 Speaker 2: I will come off as cocky in work situations and beyond, 595 00:36:08,640 --> 00:36:11,319 Speaker 2: where is the line? So many of you wanted to 596 00:36:11,320 --> 00:36:14,239 Speaker 2: know this, Where is the line between being confident and 597 00:36:14,440 --> 00:36:17,560 Speaker 2: arrogant or coming off as a jerk? Such a great question. 598 00:36:18,239 --> 00:36:20,560 Speaker 2: I think the fact that you are already aware of 599 00:36:20,600 --> 00:36:25,480 Speaker 2: this possibility means that you are probably self correcting too 600 00:36:25,560 --> 00:36:28,640 Speaker 2: much because you're so conscious of it, which could actually 601 00:36:28,680 --> 00:36:31,680 Speaker 2: be having the opposite effect of meaning you're shrinking yourself 602 00:36:31,680 --> 00:36:34,120 Speaker 2: more than you deserve to. We want to find an 603 00:36:34,160 --> 00:36:38,240 Speaker 2: authentic way of expressing confidence, right, and so what's important 604 00:36:38,320 --> 00:36:41,839 Speaker 2: to notice is how you're really feeling in yourself. Don't 605 00:36:41,880 --> 00:36:44,880 Speaker 2: think about others for a second. When you are truly confident, 606 00:36:45,280 --> 00:36:48,320 Speaker 2: you probably feel very calm. You feel alert, you feel grounded. 607 00:36:48,800 --> 00:36:52,280 Speaker 2: When you are feeling arrogant, you feel tense. You feel anxious, 608 00:36:52,280 --> 00:36:54,640 Speaker 2: you feel like you have something to prove, You feel forceful. 609 00:36:55,640 --> 00:36:58,280 Speaker 2: Learn to tell the two apart, and to just stay 610 00:36:59,040 --> 00:37:04,160 Speaker 2: in the first. When you are authentically confident, that comes 611 00:37:04,200 --> 00:37:08,440 Speaker 2: off amazingly. When you feel grounded, it comes off amazingly. 612 00:37:08,840 --> 00:37:10,880 Speaker 2: When you are anxious is when you actually end up 613 00:37:10,880 --> 00:37:13,680 Speaker 2: being arrogant. So as long as you can tell the difference, 614 00:37:13,719 --> 00:37:16,799 Speaker 2: I think you're pretty safe. I will also say I 615 00:37:16,880 --> 00:37:20,279 Speaker 2: hate the word cocky they're especially when it's used towards 616 00:37:20,320 --> 00:37:22,479 Speaker 2: others to put them down, Like there are very, very 617 00:37:22,600 --> 00:37:26,080 Speaker 2: very few people who are genuinely arrogant and cocky, and 618 00:37:26,160 --> 00:37:29,400 Speaker 2: yet people use that word to really keep other people 619 00:37:29,440 --> 00:37:32,560 Speaker 2: small because it benefits them to do so, or because 620 00:37:32,600 --> 00:37:34,560 Speaker 2: they think that they should get to being in control 621 00:37:34,600 --> 00:37:37,919 Speaker 2: of how people act when it's none of their business. 622 00:37:37,920 --> 00:37:40,799 Speaker 2: Often it is just a projection of how they think 623 00:37:40,840 --> 00:37:44,640 Speaker 2: they themselves should act and therefore how everyone else should 624 00:37:44,680 --> 00:37:47,000 Speaker 2: act because they've chosen to do it. But they don't 625 00:37:47,040 --> 00:37:50,200 Speaker 2: really get to make the rules. No one does. Worry 626 00:37:50,280 --> 00:37:52,920 Speaker 2: less about being seen as cocky and more about what 627 00:37:53,080 --> 00:37:56,279 Speaker 2: feels right for you to share, what feels right for 628 00:37:56,360 --> 00:37:58,799 Speaker 2: you to open up about what you want to say, 629 00:37:58,840 --> 00:38:01,000 Speaker 2: how you want to act, how you feel in a situation. 630 00:38:01,520 --> 00:38:04,040 Speaker 2: If you feel strong and powerful, if you don't doubt 631 00:38:04,120 --> 00:38:07,680 Speaker 2: yourself or question yourself, and say things that genuinely feel 632 00:38:07,719 --> 00:38:10,440 Speaker 2: true and meaningful, that is coming from a deep place. 633 00:38:10,600 --> 00:38:13,440 Speaker 2: And if someone interprets that as cocky, you know that 634 00:38:13,480 --> 00:38:17,120 Speaker 2: it's not your intention, and that's really the only explanation 635 00:38:17,200 --> 00:38:20,319 Speaker 2: you need. Basically, if you're worried about coming off as 636 00:38:20,400 --> 00:38:23,640 Speaker 2: arrogant or conceded. You are actually the person that I'd 637 00:38:23,640 --> 00:38:27,560 Speaker 2: probably be worried least about, because you have self awareness 638 00:38:27,560 --> 00:38:30,040 Speaker 2: and I don't think that truly arrogant people do, so 639 00:38:30,280 --> 00:38:35,000 Speaker 2: you should be okay. Second question, another freakin' banger. Why 640 00:38:35,040 --> 00:38:38,520 Speaker 2: do we feel less confident in a group of very 641 00:38:38,560 --> 00:38:42,560 Speaker 2: confident people? I think there are a few explanations. 642 00:38:43,120 --> 00:38:43,560 Speaker 1: Maybe. 643 00:38:43,640 --> 00:38:47,040 Speaker 2: I think firstly, it feels like there's probably less space 644 00:38:47,160 --> 00:38:50,040 Speaker 2: to take up, less kind of like breathing room, because 645 00:38:50,040 --> 00:38:53,520 Speaker 2: everyone is like really demanding and asking for airtime. Probably 646 00:38:53,520 --> 00:38:57,239 Speaker 2: also triggers a little bit of imposter syndrome, like these 647 00:38:57,280 --> 00:38:59,920 Speaker 2: people have real reasons to be confident, Like these people 648 00:39:00,120 --> 00:39:03,520 Speaker 2: really look like they believe in themselves. I don't. I'm 649 00:39:03,520 --> 00:39:06,600 Speaker 2: just a fraud. Their confidence seems organic. Mine feels fake. 650 00:39:07,400 --> 00:39:10,920 Speaker 2: That's one take. Let's also talk about a more neurobiological 651 00:39:10,920 --> 00:39:13,840 Speaker 2: side to things, which is a bit more complex. But 652 00:39:14,360 --> 00:39:16,640 Speaker 2: we often, I think, feel less confident in groups of 653 00:39:16,719 --> 00:39:20,560 Speaker 2: highly confident people, not just because of imposter syndrome, but 654 00:39:20,600 --> 00:39:24,520 Speaker 2: also because of dominance hierarchies. You know, we are deeply 655 00:39:24,840 --> 00:39:28,480 Speaker 2: social animals. That's encoded into our neurobiology and from an 656 00:39:28,480 --> 00:39:32,080 Speaker 2: evolutionary standpoint, entering a groupment having to be able to 657 00:39:32,120 --> 00:39:35,680 Speaker 2: subconsciously assess where we sat in the social order, So 658 00:39:35,680 --> 00:39:39,120 Speaker 2: like who's dominant, who's subordinate, who's safe to align with, 659 00:39:39,160 --> 00:39:43,240 Speaker 2: who feels like a friend. High confidence and high confident 660 00:39:43,440 --> 00:39:48,280 Speaker 2: people signal dominance through their tone, their posture, their speech. 661 00:39:48,800 --> 00:39:51,560 Speaker 2: They feel like they are leaders, and so our brain 662 00:39:51,640 --> 00:39:56,320 Speaker 2: has to readjust where we sit, and that may interpret 663 00:39:56,480 --> 00:39:59,520 Speaker 2: things as a challenge to our social standing, even if 664 00:39:59,560 --> 00:40:02,080 Speaker 2: it's not. Because we have these ancient brains. In a 665 00:40:02,120 --> 00:40:05,080 Speaker 2: modern setting, you know, there isn't just one person who's 666 00:40:05,080 --> 00:40:07,120 Speaker 2: always in charge. There isn't just one leader who will 667 00:40:07,120 --> 00:40:10,839 Speaker 2: dominate over others. There is more space. The important thing 668 00:40:10,880 --> 00:40:14,000 Speaker 2: to also remember is that truly confident people, they are 669 00:40:14,040 --> 00:40:16,279 Speaker 2: the ones who want others to thrive and they want 670 00:40:16,320 --> 00:40:19,799 Speaker 2: to elevate you. Confident people have actually been shown to 671 00:40:20,080 --> 00:40:25,520 Speaker 2: judge others less, and they spend more time assessing themselves 672 00:40:25,600 --> 00:40:28,520 Speaker 2: compared to other people. So actually, in a room full 673 00:40:28,520 --> 00:40:31,160 Speaker 2: of confident people, you are probably the safest you will 674 00:40:31,200 --> 00:40:35,279 Speaker 2: ever be from judgment. So actually this is where you 675 00:40:35,320 --> 00:40:38,240 Speaker 2: should feel free to be allowed take risks, tell stories, 676 00:40:38,280 --> 00:40:40,920 Speaker 2: be who you want to be authentically. If they judge you, 677 00:40:41,400 --> 00:40:46,200 Speaker 2: that's something they have to address, not you. Next question, 678 00:40:46,760 --> 00:40:52,640 Speaker 2: does being delusional actually help in elevating confidence? Yes, yes, 679 00:40:53,800 --> 00:40:56,880 Speaker 2: being delusional can make you more confident. It's again the 680 00:40:56,960 --> 00:40:59,400 Speaker 2: language and the way that you're speaking to yourself. It 681 00:40:59,480 --> 00:41:03,400 Speaker 2: relates to that self fulfilling prophecy that we kind of 682 00:41:03,440 --> 00:41:07,160 Speaker 2: talked about before. If you, you know, feel like you 683 00:41:07,200 --> 00:41:10,600 Speaker 2: can be something, if you just so deeply believe it, 684 00:41:10,719 --> 00:41:13,000 Speaker 2: chances are that you're more likely to act in a 685 00:41:13,040 --> 00:41:18,040 Speaker 2: way that will make that happen. Kind of relating to 686 00:41:18,080 --> 00:41:20,000 Speaker 2: the first question, though, there is a fine line here 687 00:41:20,080 --> 00:41:25,280 Speaker 2: between delusion and narcissism, and also delusion and actually putting 688 00:41:25,280 --> 00:41:28,399 Speaker 2: in the work, like confidence is a skill, not a trait. 689 00:41:28,440 --> 00:41:31,759 Speaker 2: That's the title of the episode. Skills require work. So 690 00:41:32,960 --> 00:41:34,759 Speaker 2: saying like this is going to happen to me, this 691 00:41:34,840 --> 00:41:37,800 Speaker 2: is going to happen for me. All great things. You 692 00:41:37,840 --> 00:41:40,880 Speaker 2: should believe in yourself. You should believe in your dreams. 693 00:41:41,239 --> 00:41:43,600 Speaker 2: You also have to do something about them. You also 694 00:41:43,640 --> 00:41:46,120 Speaker 2: have to find a way to take all of that 695 00:41:46,320 --> 00:41:49,839 Speaker 2: really positive energy, like that's a great starting point and 696 00:41:50,320 --> 00:41:53,360 Speaker 2: make a plan. Be willing to initiate be willing to 697 00:41:53,360 --> 00:41:56,640 Speaker 2: put yourself out there, be willing to be cringe embarrassing fail. 698 00:41:56,880 --> 00:41:58,839 Speaker 2: That's what a really confident person would do. But yes, 699 00:41:58,880 --> 00:42:05,080 Speaker 2: being delusional one percent very helpful. Final question, how do 700 00:42:05,160 --> 00:42:07,800 Speaker 2: I feel confident in a physical feature I can't change? 701 00:42:08,239 --> 00:42:10,719 Speaker 2: I don't want to get surgery slash, I can't. So 702 00:42:11,160 --> 00:42:13,600 Speaker 2: how do I embrace if not truly learned to love 703 00:42:13,640 --> 00:42:20,319 Speaker 2: this part of me? I really relate to this. Yeah, 704 00:42:20,360 --> 00:42:22,400 Speaker 2: I really relate to this. For a long time. There 705 00:42:22,400 --> 00:42:24,360 Speaker 2: are things about myself that I really wanted to change. 706 00:42:24,920 --> 00:42:28,440 Speaker 2: I still do. Here's the thing. We were not meant 707 00:42:28,480 --> 00:42:30,520 Speaker 2: to be as conscious of our appearance as we are. 708 00:42:31,360 --> 00:42:35,320 Speaker 2: Appearance was not meant to be such an important factor 709 00:42:35,360 --> 00:42:38,279 Speaker 2: as it is in modern society, and so of course 710 00:42:38,280 --> 00:42:40,719 Speaker 2: it's really hard to love yourself when the thing a 711 00:42:40,719 --> 00:42:43,680 Speaker 2: lot of us feel judged for first and foremost is 712 00:42:44,080 --> 00:42:47,160 Speaker 2: by our looks. And it's not just that looks signal 713 00:42:47,160 --> 00:42:50,520 Speaker 2: attractiveness anymore, or fertility or whatever it was meant to. 714 00:42:50,640 --> 00:42:54,160 Speaker 2: It signals wealth, and it signals social standing, and it 715 00:42:54,239 --> 00:42:57,440 Speaker 2: signals all these other things that it's just like, making 716 00:42:57,480 --> 00:43:01,120 Speaker 2: it such a confusing thing to manage. Oh my god, 717 00:43:01,120 --> 00:43:02,560 Speaker 2: I saw this video the other day, And not to 718 00:43:02,640 --> 00:43:04,640 Speaker 2: judge this woman at all, but I saw this video 719 00:43:04,680 --> 00:43:06,960 Speaker 2: of this woman who had sperm, like what was it, 720 00:43:08,040 --> 00:43:10,400 Speaker 2: like fish sperm injected into her face, and I was 721 00:43:10,440 --> 00:43:15,120 Speaker 2: like that, I imagine telling someone like six thousand years 722 00:43:15,120 --> 00:43:17,239 Speaker 2: ago that that was something that was done like that 723 00:43:17,440 --> 00:43:20,640 Speaker 2: sounds like medieval torture. And yet that's like something that 724 00:43:20,680 --> 00:43:23,839 Speaker 2: people pay for to like stay young these days. And 725 00:43:25,040 --> 00:43:27,040 Speaker 2: it's just the culture that we live in. No wonder 726 00:43:27,040 --> 00:43:30,160 Speaker 2: everyone feels ugly, Like I don't know anyone who like 727 00:43:30,200 --> 00:43:33,440 Speaker 2: truly just feels beautiful in themselves anymore. There's always something 728 00:43:33,480 --> 00:43:36,200 Speaker 2: that an industry or a business or a brand is 729 00:43:36,239 --> 00:43:39,319 Speaker 2: going to try and make you feel insecure about. So 730 00:43:39,520 --> 00:43:42,360 Speaker 2: it's worth asking yourself, who taught me that this was 731 00:43:42,400 --> 00:43:44,200 Speaker 2: a problem in the first place, and what do they 732 00:43:44,239 --> 00:43:49,200 Speaker 2: have to gain from making me feel bad? Often, you know, 733 00:43:49,600 --> 00:43:53,680 Speaker 2: our discomfort is a mirror reflecting society's very narrow ideals. 734 00:43:53,719 --> 00:43:57,759 Speaker 2: It's not an objective truth. Ugliness is actually not objective 735 00:43:59,640 --> 00:44:03,440 Speaker 2: at all. Also, just really start by softening the language. 736 00:44:03,880 --> 00:44:08,520 Speaker 2: Shift from ugly to unusual to unique to special, from 737 00:44:09,000 --> 00:44:14,120 Speaker 2: embarrassing to mine to whatever word you want to use 738 00:44:14,160 --> 00:44:17,440 Speaker 2: that feels firstly neutral and then positive. You don't have 739 00:44:17,480 --> 00:44:20,920 Speaker 2: to force yourself to love yourself right away. Aim for neutrality, 740 00:44:21,000 --> 00:44:23,520 Speaker 2: aim for something that's a little bit easier, and just 741 00:44:23,560 --> 00:44:26,400 Speaker 2: saying this part of me, it exists. I don't need 742 00:44:26,440 --> 00:44:29,480 Speaker 2: to shrink because of it. Also, how you look is 743 00:44:29,520 --> 00:44:32,480 Speaker 2: really the least interesting thing about you. And I know 744 00:44:32,600 --> 00:44:34,560 Speaker 2: I've said that so often, and I'm sorry if you've 745 00:44:34,600 --> 00:44:38,200 Speaker 2: heard it before, but if life was all about appearances, 746 00:44:38,239 --> 00:44:42,359 Speaker 2: it would be very boring. And beauty does fade, and 747 00:44:42,400 --> 00:44:45,160 Speaker 2: beauty becomes something that people can only talk about for 748 00:44:45,200 --> 00:44:48,279 Speaker 2: so long. So focus on the other areas of your 749 00:44:48,280 --> 00:44:52,359 Speaker 2: life where you feel naturally confident and work on expanding them, 750 00:44:52,719 --> 00:44:55,120 Speaker 2: work on thinking about them more, putting more time into 751 00:44:55,160 --> 00:45:02,520 Speaker 2: those areas, celebrating them. Beauty and attractive. It is something 752 00:45:02,520 --> 00:45:05,160 Speaker 2: we all live with, obviously and have to consider, and 753 00:45:05,520 --> 00:45:07,600 Speaker 2: we exist in a system where that does matter. I'm 754 00:45:07,600 --> 00:45:09,600 Speaker 2: not going to deny it. But how much do you 755 00:45:09,640 --> 00:45:12,279 Speaker 2: want it to matter? How much do you want it 756 00:45:12,320 --> 00:45:14,799 Speaker 2: to dictate the rest of your life. That's like a 757 00:45:14,840 --> 00:45:17,080 Speaker 2: big question that I think is very existential and that 758 00:45:17,160 --> 00:45:20,400 Speaker 2: you kind of have to answer for yourself. But I 759 00:45:20,440 --> 00:45:22,319 Speaker 2: wish you the best of luck, and know that I'm 760 00:45:22,360 --> 00:45:25,839 Speaker 2: there with you and I've had many a similar thought. 761 00:45:26,320 --> 00:45:28,720 Speaker 2: That is all we have time for today, my lovely listeners. 762 00:45:29,120 --> 00:45:32,200 Speaker 2: I hope that this episode has given you something to 763 00:45:32,200 --> 00:45:34,839 Speaker 2: think about and given you something to apply to your 764 00:45:34,840 --> 00:45:37,800 Speaker 2: own life. I hope you know confidence is a skill, 765 00:45:37,920 --> 00:45:39,920 Speaker 2: not a trait, and with a skill, with any skill, 766 00:45:39,920 --> 00:45:42,799 Speaker 2: it's something that you can improve in whatever area of 767 00:45:42,840 --> 00:45:46,400 Speaker 2: your life you want to feel more like yourself and 768 00:45:46,520 --> 00:45:51,080 Speaker 2: more for yourself. Leave your most like unhinged confidence tips 769 00:45:51,080 --> 00:45:53,520 Speaker 2: in the comments below. If you have one that I 770 00:45:53,520 --> 00:45:56,640 Speaker 2: haven't mentioned, let's share it. What's the thing that you 771 00:45:56,719 --> 00:45:59,720 Speaker 2: do that is just so weird and wacky bit always 772 00:45:59,760 --> 00:46:02,440 Speaker 2: work and always makes you feel amazing, whether it's like 773 00:46:02,480 --> 00:46:04,839 Speaker 2: a playlist, whether it's like whatever it is, like, what 774 00:46:05,120 --> 00:46:07,520 Speaker 2: is it? I want to know? Make sure again you 775 00:46:07,560 --> 00:46:11,239 Speaker 2: are following me on Instagram at that psychology podcast, and 776 00:46:11,280 --> 00:46:13,799 Speaker 2: that you share this episode with a friend, with a 777 00:46:13,840 --> 00:46:17,000 Speaker 2: family member, with a colleague who you think could benefit 778 00:46:17,040 --> 00:46:21,480 Speaker 2: from listening to it. Follow, subscribe, like share all those things. 779 00:46:21,520 --> 00:46:23,360 Speaker 2: I always forget which order they're in, but you know, 780 00:46:23,440 --> 00:46:26,399 Speaker 2: the deal really helps the show grow, helps it reach 781 00:46:26,480 --> 00:46:28,719 Speaker 2: new people. Also puts a pile on my face if 782 00:46:28,719 --> 00:46:30,839 Speaker 2: that's something you may or may not want to do. 783 00:46:30,960 --> 00:46:34,640 Speaker 2: But anyways, until next time, stay safe, be kind, be 784 00:46:34,800 --> 00:46:38,080 Speaker 2: gentle with yourself. We will talk very very soon.