Speaker 1: When you start a statement with all men or all
Speaker 1: women and you follow it up with any opinion, oftentimes
Speaker 1: it says more about you than the people you think
Speaker 1: you're talking about. Damn, you're just gonna put people on
Speaker 1: front street like that off the bat in the sound bite,
Speaker 1: Well ship, my sound lit is I happen to agree
Speaker 1: with that. Let's find out why. Hey, I'm Cadine and
Speaker 1: we're the Ellises. You may know us from posting funny
Speaker 1: videos with our boys and reading each other publicly as
Speaker 1: a form of therapy. Wait, I'll make you need therapy
Speaker 1: most days. Wow. And one more important thing to mention,
Speaker 1: we're married. We are. We created this podcast to open
Speaker 1: dialogue about some of the live's most taboo topics, things
Speaker 1: most folks don't want to talk about through the lens
Speaker 1: of a millennium married couple. That ass is the term
Speaker 1: that we say every day. So when we say dead ass,
Speaker 1: we're actually saying facts one and the truth, the whole truth,
Speaker 1: and nothing but the truth. Were about to take pillow
Speaker 1: talk to our whole new level. Dead ass starts right now.
Speaker 1: So when I played ball, I'm not gonna say where
Speaker 1: because people be nosy, they'll probably google it though. There
Speaker 1: was a young man who used to hang out with
Speaker 1: a particular group of ladies. I'm not going to say
Speaker 1: what their occupation is, but you can use your imagination.
Speaker 1: And typically in the off season, he spent a lot
Speaker 1: of time with these young ladies. One day, who're coming
Speaker 1: in for O T S. And do was late. Get
Speaker 1: a phone call. You know, all the guys in the
Speaker 1: group get a phone call. Have you seen so and so?
Speaker 1: Nobody's seen someone, So finally we have a team meeting.
Speaker 1: So and so was part of a pushing robbery m
Speaker 1: and apparently these young ladies that he had been bringing
Speaker 1: back over time, they all fell asleep. He and the
Speaker 1: young ladies together, and when he woke up, they were
Speaker 1: young men in his apartment. It rans acted, asked him
Speaker 1: for the code for the safe, took everything he was paid,
Speaker 1: and he wasn't really concerned about the things that he
Speaker 1: was concerned, you know, he wasn't concerned about his materialistic things,
Speaker 1: nothing like that. But then when he came into the
Speaker 1: locker room after that, his first statement was, that's why
Speaker 1: you can't trust bitches. And my first thought process and
Speaker 1: that was can we not trust bitches or should you
Speaker 1: not trust the type of bitches that you'd be around
Speaker 1: all the time. You know what I'm saying, guy, dead ass.
Speaker 1: Let me know thenn na from niggah me who what
Speaker 1: these bitches from my nigga? Who can yo tell me?
Speaker 1: But from me? Baby, tell me what you want from me?
Speaker 1: It was Brenda, Letitia, Linda, Felicia shan on that and Delicia. Yo.
Speaker 1: That is one of the most classic songs. That's great.
Speaker 1: I look, you wish my name was in that, but
Speaker 1: I know Kadina coming enough to probably make it coming.
Speaker 1: Shout out to DMX, resting p shout out to Cisco.
Speaker 1: You know I couldn't wait. Um so like it got
Speaker 1: to the point where he was like, um, one thing,
Speaker 1: you gotta know, I'm a big a player for life.
Speaker 1: That's like a classic R and B moment. It's the
Speaker 1: classic moment for that. Baby. Let's take a quick break, yes,
Speaker 1: and we'll come back and see how we can apply
Speaker 1: this DMX song. And you're sound about in your story
Speaker 1: to everybody, got choices and how the hardships that we're
Speaker 1: facing are directly defined by those choices. All right, So
Speaker 1: stick around, we'll be back. So we're back, guys, and
Speaker 1: the reason why I chose that song for karaoke is
Speaker 1: because we're talking about choices, right, And one thing DMX
Speaker 1: kept saying was that he kept saying different name, name
Speaker 1: after name after name. Right, And that's gonna take me
Speaker 1: to story time, because in the story time, this particular
Speaker 1: teammate of mine always had choices, and he he used
Speaker 1: to run through the names of the chicks that he
Speaker 1: could talk to, what had access to until he got
Speaker 1: robbed and then it was just on some fun these
Speaker 1: bitches type ship. But I'm gonna pose this question to you,
Speaker 1: coulde how many women do you think the greatest bachelor
Speaker 1: of all time has dated? Like Wilke Chamberlain. Right, Will
Speaker 1: chamber Will Chamberlain is known to sleep with a thousand women.
Speaker 1: A thousand women. Right, Even if Wilke Chamberlains slept with
Speaker 1: a thousand women, we don't know. Some of it could
Speaker 1: be it could be a facade, it could be a
Speaker 1: folk tale. But what if he did, right, what percentage
Speaker 1: of the population is those a thousand women that he
Speaker 1: slept with. It's a very small percentage. It's still less
Speaker 1: than one percent. So with that being said, right, when
Speaker 1: a man or a woman stands up and proclaims that
Speaker 1: they know everything about the opposite is sex based on
Speaker 1: their own experiences. Can we really believe that they know
Speaker 1: what they're talking about? I mean, that's very factual, and
Speaker 1: like we were trying to say for this show, choices
Speaker 1: are are intentional, and then you have people who just
Speaker 1: like mistakenly end up into these situations that they claim
Speaker 1: our accidents, right, But it's not an accident if you're
Speaker 1: picking the same kind of or same type of person
Speaker 1: over and over again. So, um, I think it's important
Speaker 1: for us in this show today to just that's like
Speaker 1: what that looks like? No, No, the first first thing
Speaker 1: is we can put certain things to rest. Things. There's
Speaker 1: nobody on the planet that can stand up and say
Speaker 1: they know how the opposite sex acts all the same
Speaker 1: sex acts based on their personal relationships. So when people
Speaker 1: say that we can stop arguing with people, let's say
Speaker 1: I know because I've been through this, right, And we're
Speaker 1: talking about even if someone's dated a thousand people, right,
Speaker 1: most people in the span of their life having dated
Speaker 1: a thousand people, right, so they probably dated five I'll
Speaker 1: give you ten. Is just like smash. I'm talking dating
Speaker 1: in relationships because purposeful relationships. And the reason why I
Speaker 1: bring this up is because even with that young man,
Speaker 1: because at the time we were having these conversations, I
Speaker 1: was twenty two, was in the NFL, is twenty two.
Speaker 1: He was young too. But to sit up here and
Speaker 1: say that like something like this is why you can't
Speaker 1: trust bitches based on the women that you've dated, really
Speaker 1: says more about the type of women you choose to
Speaker 1: date and less about the women that exists in this planet.
Speaker 1: And it goes both ways, because a lot of women
Speaker 1: sit our hand and say, what niggas ain't shit? What
Speaker 1: type of men are you dating? For example, if you
Speaker 1: are a young man and you're in your mid twenties
Speaker 1: and you go to the same club and you meet
Speaker 1: the same women the same age, at the same club,
Speaker 1: doing the same thing every Saturday, ultimately you're dating the
Speaker 1: same type of person. Now, they may be different areations
Speaker 1: of who that person is, but if you're at the
Speaker 1: same place, doing the same thing and you're getting the
Speaker 1: same result, that means you tend to pick the same
Speaker 1: type of person that's man or woman. So you mean
Speaker 1: he needs to change your venue. Yes, that's one way.
Speaker 1: Change the venue also, or change the type of date,
Speaker 1: change your approach, because if you're if you're getting access
Speaker 1: to these women and you're approaching the same way, that
Speaker 1: means you're getting the same response off of that approach,
Speaker 1: which means, if this is the approach that gets this
Speaker 1: woman's attention, I'm dating the same person using the same approach,
Speaker 1: and if the same result keeps happening, at some point
Speaker 1: something has to change. And it's not the fact that
Speaker 1: you you know, it's it's women or as men. You
Speaker 1: have to change how you choose or the discernment you
Speaker 1: have when picking a significant other. So I feel like
Speaker 1: some people are just for punishment in that though, right,
Speaker 1: because I know a couple of people. One person comes
Speaker 1: to mind immediately, and we always think there's so many
Speaker 1: people in this world, how does he end up with
Speaker 1: the same kind of woman who seems like they come
Speaker 1: from the same place, the same area broken, it's like
Speaker 1: the same baggage, right, mint right, And it's just like, okay,
Speaker 1: now clearly it's not them, yes it's him, But what
Speaker 1: in that is advertising? Like, what in that scenario makes
Speaker 1: him feel like this is this is it for me?
Speaker 1: This is this is worth going through another round of
Speaker 1: this knowing that the outcome, like you said, may not
Speaker 1: be the same result, but it's giving familiar and I
Speaker 1: can't understand that well what I've deduced because I'm not
Speaker 1: a doctor and I'm not an expert. Right, the first
Speaker 1: thing you say is that no one is an expert
Speaker 1: or anything, so then you can you speak as if
Speaker 1: you're an expert. I'm not an expert, but what I've
Speaker 1: seen from my my friend groups, right, is that men
Speaker 1: in particular get into a routine that's comfortable. And when
Speaker 1: you get into a routine that's comfortable, the way you
Speaker 1: are received by other people will determine who's going to
Speaker 1: um accept your advances. You see what I'm saying. So,
Speaker 1: like I said, if you do the same thing and
Speaker 1: you're comfortable saying the same thing and meeting the same people, um,
Speaker 1: you're only going to get a response that's receptive from
Speaker 1: a certain type of person. And unless you're comfortable changing
Speaker 1: your approach, which most most men once they get comfortable
Speaker 1: in there. And I'm I can only speak from a
Speaker 1: man's standpoint, right, because we are tasked with being the
Speaker 1: person to approach a woman, whether be at a bar
Speaker 1: or a party or at a club, and most guys
Speaker 1: have they go to like this is this is what
Speaker 1: I'm going to do. Right, If you're approaching ever changes,
Speaker 1: you're always gonna find the same type of person, that's
Speaker 1: the bottom line. And also, how deliberate are you about
Speaker 1: being different within the relationship if it gets to that point,
Speaker 1: or are you exuding the same behavior and then in
Speaker 1: response getting the same behavior from these women and then
Speaker 1: saying it's all them, whereas you can't expect a different
Speaker 1: response from them if your behavior continues to stay the same.
Speaker 1: For example, I got buddies who choose not to be
Speaker 1: exclusive with women, right, that's they make it clear. I'm
Speaker 1: going to be upfront and honest with these women. I
Speaker 1: don't want to be exclusive. I just want to have
Speaker 1: a good time and do X y Z. Right. But
Speaker 1: then what happens is he he has a certain type
Speaker 1: of woman that he likes. He likes high class women
Speaker 1: who like to do high class women things. Right, But
Speaker 1: then we'll complain these bitches a gold diggers. Now here's
Speaker 1: my thing. You made it very clear in the beginning
Speaker 1: that you're gonna tell these women that you're here for
Speaker 1: a good time, not a long time, and you don't
Speaker 1: want to be exclusive, So you have your things, you
Speaker 1: want to get out this relationship, they have theirs. He
Speaker 1: got upset because some of these women, not one. Some
Speaker 1: of them all requested that if we're going out on
Speaker 1: the date and as simple where I have to be,
Speaker 1: you gotta get the uber. Now, his approach has always
Speaker 1: been to show them, even though he's not a celebrity,
Speaker 1: that he's you know, not well off, but he's doing okay,
Speaker 1: show him a good time. So if you show a
Speaker 1: woman that you're here for a good time, not a
Speaker 1: long time. You like to do things, nice things, you
Speaker 1: like a woman likes to do nice things, and you're
Speaker 1: looking to gain something, preferably sex. There are women out
Speaker 1: there to be like, I'm cool to play this game.
Speaker 1: You're gonna get my car, you're gonna take me out
Speaker 1: to dinner, we're gonna go on trips and we can
Speaker 1: have a good time. But then, right right, pretty much
Speaker 1: gonna play for the pool. You're gonna play for the pool. Right.
Speaker 1: So but then he gets upset and said stuff like
Speaker 1: this is why I treat these women like this because
Speaker 1: they all the same, they all want the same thing,
Speaker 1: And I'm like, dude, how can you even say that, like,
Speaker 1: how can you say that? Conversely? Right, I have a
Speaker 1: home girl that's I'm not gonna say. She's in the industry.
Speaker 1: She makes a lot of money as well, right, But
Speaker 1: she's also looking for the type of man that can
Speaker 1: give her the same type of life that she can
Speaker 1: give herself because you want to date at the same level,
Speaker 1: which is fair. I think that's fair. Ain't wrong with that.
Speaker 1: But she also has been very honest and be like, yo,
Speaker 1: I can do for myself. I don't need no man
Speaker 1: to do anything for me. I got my own money,
Speaker 1: blah blah blah. So when she goes on dates, the
Speaker 1: dudes oftentime will be like, okay, so is this date
Speaker 1: on you? And then she'll get upset and she'd be like,
Speaker 1: I don't know what's wrong with these niggas, Like every
Speaker 1: time we go on the date, they hesitant about the
Speaker 1: wallet because I said, well, hold on, you always lead
Speaker 1: with I can take care of myself. I'm independent, I
Speaker 1: can do what I want. But then you want him
Speaker 1: to pay for everything. That's not gonna work, he said,
Speaker 1: all these niggas, And she's like, all these niggas is
Speaker 1: like that, and I'm like, you keep picking the same
Speaker 1: type of guys and you keep reading with the same approach,
Speaker 1: because some some people might take it as afense. You
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. Like a woman, for example, like
Speaker 1: she's made it clear that she can take care of herself,
Speaker 1: she can do for herself. So you have a first date,
Speaker 1: or you have a couple of dates in and it's
Speaker 1: just like, oh after even with us, after a couple
Speaker 1: of dates, I was like, yeah, I got it this time,
Speaker 1: you know. And I don't think you were offended in
Speaker 1: that moment. But some women may take offense because they
Speaker 1: feel like, oh, this guy is trying to you know,
Speaker 1: um flexes his muscles, or he's trying to be male
Speaker 1: dominant in this situation, so he wants to pay for it.
Speaker 1: Even think about when you had to hold the door
Speaker 1: for someone one time. You know, it's like you're trying
Speaker 1: to be a gentleman. But if you're not a gentleman. Yes, guys, guys,
Speaker 1: let me tell you what happened. It's it's it's rougher
Speaker 1: here in this world. It's confusing as hell. I'll say
Speaker 1: that it was a group of US men and women.
Speaker 1: I got to the door first, I held the door
Speaker 1: because I got to the door first, some women walked in,
Speaker 1: some men walked in. When it got to her, she
Speaker 1: says to me, I don't got time for your micro
Speaker 1: aggressions today. And I was really like perplex confused. I said,
Speaker 1: excuse me, and she was like, yeah, I don't have
Speaker 1: time for your micro aggressions day. I can get the
Speaker 1: door for myself. So I was like, my bad, Like
Speaker 1: I just I was holding the door for everybody, not
Speaker 1: just you. And she was just like, I've existed in
Speaker 1: the patriarch long enough. I understand when someone is trying
Speaker 1: to set their dominance. So I said, cool, So I
Speaker 1: let the door go right, let's do go. Then we
Speaker 1: were on our way home and I so she's taking
Speaker 1: the train. So they're like, hey, is everybody okay they
Speaker 1: get home blah blah blah blah. Im like, yeah, I
Speaker 1: live in Brooklyn. You know what I'm saying. I'm just
Speaker 1: top on the the what is it, the Western Highway
Speaker 1: at home. She's like, oh, I'm headed that way too.
Speaker 1: I get a ride. I was like, I don't got
Speaker 1: time for your microaggressives today. She was like, what do
Speaker 1: you mean, I said, because of the patriarchy I don't
Speaker 1: want to make you feel like you're not equal to me.
Speaker 1: So I'm gonna take my ride and you can take yours, period,
Speaker 1: so that that uh the train and I'm petty, I
Speaker 1: ain't gonna lie. It was a real petty thing for
Speaker 1: me to do. That was a great moment, but but
Speaker 1: I was still kind of like like upset, but then
Speaker 1: also thinking about if that's her approach to when she
Speaker 1: meets guys. Right, it's till in the very beginning put
Speaker 1: that blindness in, and then when guys approach her with
Speaker 1: the same energy, she's then going to say, all niggas
Speaker 1: ain't ship. But if your approach it's fucked up, your
Speaker 1: responses you get are gonna be fucked up. And I
Speaker 1: think a lot more people need to take inventory to
Speaker 1: their approach and the type of people that they are
Speaker 1: addressing and attracting, because that says a lot about you.
Speaker 1: If the same thing keeps happening to you with every
Speaker 1: single person you date, at some point you gotta say,
Speaker 1: wait a minute, wait a minute. And then if that's
Speaker 1: the case accepted for what it is, Yes, if that's
Speaker 1: just the kind of person that you're pulling each time,
Speaker 1: that just maybe what you're into today. Don't don't call
Speaker 1: me complaining about it either, because that's clearly what you're
Speaker 1: looking for, and that's clearly what you got right. It's facts.
Speaker 1: Could have another homeboy who keeps he's our age, so
Speaker 1: he's in his mid thirties, and he keeps telling me
Speaker 1: single women out here dumb and have nothing going for themselves. Right,
Speaker 1: only women he date between twenty two and now. I'm
Speaker 1: not saying that all five year old dumb and don't
Speaker 1: have anything going for themselves, but I will say this,
Speaker 1: most of the people in the world we see between
Speaker 1: twenty two and twenty five are still trying to discover themselves,
Speaker 1: for sure, you know what I'm saying. And if you're
Speaker 1: your mid thirties and you're only dating that age bracket
Speaker 1: and you're expecting to find someone in that age bracket
Speaker 1: who has everything in the world figured out, you're going
Speaker 1: to be lost because you're never gonna find that. Like
Speaker 1: even the greatest people of all time, we're still struggling
Speaker 1: to find out who they were between twenty two. But
Speaker 1: that's just another example of people making choices and then
Speaker 1: being upset at everyone else because of the choices they make.
Speaker 1: That is so factual. Listen, we gotta just dive into
Speaker 1: just choices in general, right, talk about it. Let's talk
Speaker 1: about choices all right. So, like I said before, choices
Speaker 1: are intentional while mistakes are accidents. Right, And the wisdom
Speaker 1: to know the difference comes from the maturity to admit
Speaker 1: exactly what it is. The choices we make impact our lives,
Speaker 1: whether we admit it or not, and the lives that
Speaker 1: we live or that we want to live, and lives
Speaker 1: the lives that we're happy in. Our choices must reflect
Speaker 1: our true desires. So how do we do that. Let's
Speaker 1: unpack it by asking the first question. Well, let's let's
Speaker 1: unpack that. First, choices are intentional. Mistakes are accidents. Right.
Speaker 1: A lot of people make choices and try to mask
Speaker 1: the mass mistakes. So, for example, um, in relationships, a
Speaker 1: person makes a decision, a choice to step out of
Speaker 1: his relationship, right, makes a decision. When they make the decisions.
Speaker 1: A lot of times if they get caught, the first
Speaker 1: thing they say is it was a mistake. I didn't
Speaker 1: mean to do it. No, that is a choice. You
Speaker 1: decided to do this. The mistake was not doing it
Speaker 1: properly and getting caught that s was not a lotting
Speaker 1: for getting caught, right, But when you made that decision,
Speaker 1: you have to live with the fact that you made
Speaker 1: a choice. So one thing Codeine and I have decided
Speaker 1: to do in our relationship is we always say to
Speaker 1: each other when we make a decision that the other
Speaker 1: person doesn't agree with or isn't in alignment. Without relationship,
Speaker 1: we don't try to get a cop out answer and say, baby,
Speaker 1: it was a mistake. It was like, hey, look this
Speaker 1: is the choice I made, and I made this choice
Speaker 1: for this reason. Right, we're not in alignment because of
Speaker 1: what you want in your life and what I want
Speaker 1: in my life. How can we get in alignment? And
Speaker 1: can you live with this choice? Or should we have
Speaker 1: to find something else? And that doesn't always have to
Speaker 1: be with Infidelita, that's good, that could be with anything.
Speaker 1: I could do anything. You know, um, where you're gonna live,
Speaker 1: where you go to school, what time are you going
Speaker 1: to leave a party? You know, which friend do you
Speaker 1: want to hang out with in this week? Or you know.
Speaker 1: It's like there's so many different choices that happen over
Speaker 1: the course of a relationship that will reflect how you
Speaker 1: feel about your partner and the amount of respect you
Speaker 1: have for your partner. Those are all choices. And every
Speaker 1: time you you get caught making a choice that your partner,
Speaker 1: your partner doesn't align with, it's not fair to say
Speaker 1: it was a mistake because it was a choice, right,
Speaker 1: because then this is a mistake, and then there's what
Speaker 1: the apology. And then, for at least with my husband,
Speaker 1: I know who I'm dealing with. You don't take apologies
Speaker 1: just off that you don't agree that you can just
Speaker 1: do something mistake or not and just say oh, I'm
Speaker 1: sorry and this it'll it'll change, um. And also to
Speaker 1: when I think about it. That's why it's important for me,
Speaker 1: like I've said in the past, asked when something happens
Speaker 1: and we're not aligning on it, or is something that
Speaker 1: you wouldn't have done the way I've done, That's why
Speaker 1: I feel like it's important to have the discussion about why.
Speaker 1: And I'm packing that why right, So it's like understanding
Speaker 1: where you come from, but then also saying like damn,
Speaker 1: I have to really sit here and unpack and let
Speaker 1: you know why I arrive at this result or ride
Speaker 1: at this decision. So it's not just passed off as
Speaker 1: just a random choice or as a mistake. Well, that's
Speaker 1: important for me. It is important because I can have
Speaker 1: empathy for a choice. Understand. Don't have to agree. I
Speaker 1: can have empathy for a choice and understand where you're
Speaker 1: coming from. I can forgive a mistake. You see what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. You can't forgive a choice because that's a choice.
Speaker 1: There's nothing to forgive. That person made that choice, and
Speaker 1: you have to make a decision if that choice is
Speaker 1: in alignment with your life. But a mistake you can forgive.
Speaker 1: For example, you leave the house, You leave the house
Speaker 1: all day. You've been going seven eight hours and I
Speaker 1: don't hear from you all day. If you have your
Speaker 1: phone on you and I'm texting you a only you
Speaker 1: and you're not getting back to me, you made a
Speaker 1: choice to ignore me, right. I have to then decide
Speaker 1: if I'm in alignment with that decision. You left your
Speaker 1: phone home. That was a mistake. So I'm texting and
Speaker 1: calling You didn't do anything purposefully, but you left your
Speaker 1: phone home. That's a mistake. There is a vast difference
Speaker 1: between making a choice to not answer a phone and
Speaker 1: then leaving your phone at home. Unless you made a
Speaker 1: choice to leave your phone home. And at that point
Speaker 1: then we're back to well, I wasn't trying to get
Speaker 1: in touch with you, know how, And people need to
Speaker 1: understand the differences between making a choice and making the mistakes.
Speaker 1: That is spot on, my guy. So now shout out
Speaker 1: to because um triuble put these facts and stats up here.
Speaker 1: I love Trouble because Trouble is the one who kind
Speaker 1: of keeps us to make sure we're saying things that
Speaker 1: are not just opinions, right, We're actually giving educated um
Speaker 1: analysis based on facts and stats. So, for example, why
Speaker 1: do smart people make dumb choices? Go ahead, baby, always
Speaker 1: ask this question. It's are people making dumb choices? And
Speaker 1: every now and again you get a dumb person making
Speaker 1: a smart choice either way. Um, Smart people often form
Speaker 1: their opinions based on their beliefs and the beliefs of
Speaker 1: others with whom they share close ties. It's more important
Speaker 1: for them to make decisions that are aligned with their
Speaker 1: community's values then to make rational decisions. Now let's let's
Speaker 1: unpack that. What does that mean? For example, you know,
Speaker 1: for a fact, what's the right thing and what's the
Speaker 1: wrong thing to do? But say you're in a friend group, Well,
Speaker 1: your friends just decide that they just constantly want to
Speaker 1: make poor choices, right. There are a lot of smart
Speaker 1: people who are easily influenced by their friend groups or
Speaker 1: their community because of things like, for example, tradition. Right,
Speaker 1: that's just the way we do things. And even though
Speaker 1: you're a smart person, smart people also realize, like, you know,
Speaker 1: what is it worth me stepping out of my moral
Speaker 1: clause for this purpose just to appease my friends. And
Speaker 1: sometimes of people will be like, yeah, yeah, you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, Like I'm only with my friends with
Speaker 1: for this small amount of time. Let's just have a
Speaker 1: good time. That's what it is. Yes, something about to
Speaker 1: sound something you only love one so you know what
Speaker 1: the right thing to do is. But you know what,
Speaker 1: let me just make this decision because I'm having a
Speaker 1: good time. I'm in Vegas, I'm in Miami. There's drinks flowing, like,
Speaker 1: let's just have a good time. So there are times
Speaker 1: with smart people make poor decisions based on influence, right,
Speaker 1: I mean, and the smart decision or the poor choice
Speaker 1: may be at all, well that ends well the type situation,
Speaker 1: and there's no repercussion for that. So in that moment.
Speaker 1: It's just like, hey, we had a great moment. It
Speaker 1: was funny. It's something to talk about later on. But
Speaker 1: will I repeat that moment? Maybe? Maybe not? What does
Speaker 1: it become a repeat offensive situation? I'm glad you brought
Speaker 1: that up, since we're talking about relationships, right, you can't
Speaker 1: really get upset at someone from making a poor choice
Speaker 1: if they thought the choice was in alignment with their
Speaker 1: partner or in alignment with what they want collectively. Exactly.
Speaker 1: You can't get upset though. If someone makes a poor choice,
Speaker 1: you have a discussion, you decided this choice wasn't the
Speaker 1: best choice for your partner or for y'all collectively, But
Speaker 1: then you still continue to make the same choice over
Speaker 1: and over again. That's where it's like, all right, I
Speaker 1: can no longer have empathy. I've already expressed that the
Speaker 1: choice you make isn't in alignment with what I want,
Speaker 1: So I'm going to move differently now when it comes
Speaker 1: to choices. Now, you have a right to make a choice.
Speaker 1: If the person across from you continues to make choices
Speaker 1: that's in alignment for themselves and not for you, you
Speaker 1: then have to make a choice of whether you want
Speaker 1: to stay or not. You can't then put it on
Speaker 1: that person and tell them to stop. You can walk away,
Speaker 1: and if you choose not to walk away, that's on you,
Speaker 1: that's not on them no more, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: That's when you get to the whole. You know, when
Speaker 1: people show you who they really are, believe them, and
Speaker 1: having enough confidence and trust in yourself to believe what
Speaker 1: you see to move what's in the best alignment for yourself.
Speaker 1: A lot of people make poor choices by not doing that.
Speaker 1: I mean, it's the kind of case of your you know,
Speaker 1: female best friend, for example, complaining about the dude that's
Speaker 1: been doing by her all the time. By girl, you know,
Speaker 1: we're gonna keep something the same thing over and over again.
Speaker 1: You're condoning behavior that's in turn maybe allowing him to
Speaker 1: think that this is okay, and you're stinking around for it.
Speaker 1: So why are we complaining. That's a choice that you're making,
Speaker 1: and by you making that choice is enabling him to
Speaker 1: make the choice to continue to treat you that way.
Speaker 1: It's a very vicious cycle, y'all. Very vicious cycle. Alright.
Speaker 1: So moving on to why smart people make dumb choices.
Speaker 1: Second on the list, smart people may think that they
Speaker 1: know things that they really don't know. Over Estimating your
Speaker 1: intelligence can cause you to make choices without first examining
Speaker 1: your knowledge. It's interesting because you always say, what what
Speaker 1: I do know is what I don't know. Is that
Speaker 1: you know what one thing I do know is what
Speaker 1: I don't know? And then I don't know everything. And
Speaker 1: I got that from Confucius or things unsue. I read
Speaker 1: a lot of books about philosophy. Alright, functually, the saying
Speaker 1: I think is a wise man once said nothing. Oh
Speaker 1: yet it right like that, a wise man once said nothing.
Speaker 1: And the thing, um, the lesson behind it is that
Speaker 1: you learn more when you listen, right, when you listen
Speaker 1: and observed, observe, and absorb. Overthinking can cause smart people
Speaker 1: to have choices be made for them that might be met.
Speaker 1: When you think too much, sometimes you may end up
Speaker 1: not even making a decision, forcing someone else or the
Speaker 1: circumstance that you're in to make the decision for you.
Speaker 1: You know, my father drive me nuts with this point.
Speaker 1: You'all okay, my father, Papa, love him the death. We
Speaker 1: will be debating over something very very simple and and simple.
Speaker 1: Nothing can never be really simple in my family sometimes
Speaker 1: like it requires so many steps. For example, we're deciding
Speaker 1: that we want to renovate the kitchen, so it's like,
Speaker 1: all right, everyone's an agreement with that. Right. Then it
Speaker 1: comes down to what color tile we should pick? Right,
Speaker 1: so you'll have three or four or five tow choices.
Speaker 1: We narrow it down to two with very little input
Speaker 1: from him. Now we're at the two right top two.
Speaker 1: Time to pick a tie. I don't really know which one.
Speaker 1: You know, both of them can work or none of
Speaker 1: them can work. But like, all right, bro, what does
Speaker 1: that even mean? Both can work or none can work? Fine?
Speaker 1: So what we'll do? My mom, my brother, and my
Speaker 1: sister and I will be like, you know what, Hey,
Speaker 1: there are two shades of gray here. We're gonna go
Speaker 1: with the lighter shade of gray. So we'll make the decision. Right,
Speaker 1: We'll put down the light gray tie, pay for it
Speaker 1: to get done, all that good stuff. We stand back,
Speaker 1: we're admiring the place. Everyone's kind of excited about this
Speaker 1: brand new, like great tie we got. And then what
Speaker 1: is my father say? Man? You know, if it was
Speaker 1: me I able to go the dark one, you know,
Speaker 1: and everybody wants to strangle him, because it's like, bro, oh,
Speaker 1: you're sitting over here overthinking this situation or not even
Speaker 1: thinking about it at all, because we're not even sure
Speaker 1: half the time what it is. But then when somebody
Speaker 1: makes a decision and makes a choice, you then will
Speaker 1: combat that by not saying, you know what, guys, I'm
Speaker 1: glad y'all took that responsibility away for me. You did
Speaker 1: a good job because you know I could live with
Speaker 1: this light great tyler looks good. It's I would have
Speaker 1: went with the other one. But let me tell you
Speaker 1: where that comes from. Right, A lot of people don't
Speaker 1: really want to make choices. You want to know why.
Speaker 1: They don't want to be accountability for it there. But
Speaker 1: but you know what happens when they don't make the choice.
Speaker 1: They don't mind pointing out all of the flaws with
Speaker 1: the choice you made. People in relationships. So it's just
Speaker 1: like you're not going to say left or right, but
Speaker 1: if we go right in this traffic, you know I
Speaker 1: should I knew we should have warn left. People do
Speaker 1: that gears like a person that I should have could
Speaker 1: have with a person you know what I call them?
Speaker 1: What backseat drivers? There are a lot of back seat
Speaker 1: drivers in right, and this is, this is, and this,
Speaker 1: This analogy works for any type of relationship. Right. Backseat
Speaker 1: drivers like to sit in the back because it's safe
Speaker 1: back there. Right, there's no button suppressed, you don't have
Speaker 1: to handle the ox cord. If you're on the front,
Speaker 1: you're saying, you don't gotta drive, you don't gotta turn
Speaker 1: right or left, you don't gotta decide where we're going.
Speaker 1: You can just sit in the back and enjoy the atmosphere.
Speaker 1: But you know what those people do when they sit
Speaker 1: back in the atmosphere, complain about every choice to people
Speaker 1: in the front. Mate. And the truth of the matter
Speaker 1: is there are a lot of backseat drivers letting life
Speaker 1: happen to them, right. You see how it's said it here.
Speaker 1: A lot of times when you don't make a choice,
Speaker 1: you allow the circumstance to make a choice for you.
Speaker 1: And when you allow the circumstance to make a choice
Speaker 1: for you, then you complain about everything that's happened. All
Speaker 1: my life is messed up, Oh woe is me? You
Speaker 1: want to know why you never want to get in
Speaker 1: the front and grab the wheel and be the person
Speaker 1: to make the choice, because once you make that choice,
Speaker 1: you have to be accountable. That's true. I might even
Speaker 1: fall in this category, quiet as it's kept you all
Speaker 1: because what we're about on this podcast owning up to
Speaker 1: stuff and accountability and speaking responsibility and I too. Really
Speaker 1: that's how sometimes me procrastinating with things I've gotten better,
Speaker 1: will be procrastinating with things I can see how it
Speaker 1: is then allowing a circumstance to happen to me or
Speaker 1: will leave me or particular parties involved scrambling in the
Speaker 1: end and causing major stress and major issues to get
Speaker 1: something done. There's there's nothing there's nothing wrong with sometimes
Speaker 1: being a backseat driver in a certain situation, if you
Speaker 1: don't mind supporting the driver when they made the decision,
Speaker 1: for example, right. One thing I will say about you,
Speaker 1: you don't like to make a decision a lot of
Speaker 1: the times every time we come to we pick right.
Speaker 1: But once I say we go in this direction, you'll
Speaker 1: be like, all right, fact, this is the direction we're going,
Speaker 1: Like okay, babe, how are we getting there? What direction
Speaker 1: we gotta go? What what color tiles are we going
Speaker 1: to use in the direction that we take? And the
Speaker 1: thing is, I learned to reciprocate that because I'm a
Speaker 1: control freak, right, I love to be in a driver's seat.
Speaker 1: But what I've learned to do is, and I think
Speaker 1: it's important for people in relationships to hear. When you
Speaker 1: decide to be in the back seat and let someone drive, right,
Speaker 1: you now have a responsibility since you put that person
Speaker 1: in position to make a choice, is to be supportive
Speaker 1: of whatever choice they make, unless it's going to be
Speaker 1: a detriment to you them or you or them. Why
Speaker 1: because y'all all headed to the same direction exactly. So
Speaker 1: if you're going to be a back seat driver, which
Speaker 1: I really like to call it a back seat driver
Speaker 1: at this point, but if you're going to be a
Speaker 1: navigator in that sense and not sitting the front the
Speaker 1: co pilot, everybody can't drive. It's okay if you don't
Speaker 1: want to make a decision right, let me copilot, right,
Speaker 1: let me cope. That's a better but co pilot to
Speaker 1: the person who you know is gonna drive you safely.
Speaker 1: The person who might have passed driver said on the
Speaker 1: highway before you know what I'm saying, who got a
Speaker 1: good night's rest, who didn't have a drink before he
Speaker 1: sat down? And she sat down behind the wheel. So
Speaker 1: that comes with a layer of choice making. Choice making
Speaker 1: to the side, is this wise for me to even
Speaker 1: embark on this journey with this person? That's the key.
Speaker 1: What you just said right there is the key. If
Speaker 1: you don't feel comfortable driving the car, make sure you
Speaker 1: use discernment with who you're gonna let drive you around.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. At some point in life,
Speaker 1: you have to make a decision. You can't sit back
Speaker 1: and just say the universe is plotting against me. If
Speaker 1: the only way you're going to be successful in life, marriage, business,
Speaker 1: as a parent is if you make decisions and live
Speaker 1: and own up to whatever consequences come with the decisions
Speaker 1: you make. Because there are no losses in life, there
Speaker 1: only lessons. So if there's a little bit traffic on
Speaker 1: that road you took, you can pivot find another road.
Speaker 1: But as long as the road don't end right and
Speaker 1: be okay, we're getting lost together, yes, you know, getting
Speaker 1: lost together and figuring it out. Some of the best
Speaker 1: times we had in life we were both lost because
Speaker 1: we didn't know exactly what decision was the right decision.
Speaker 1: So it's like, let's just make a decision and now
Speaker 1: we're here and we had each other. Now we're here.
Speaker 1: It's not easier to to kind of feel like you're
Speaker 1: empowered to make a decision or not when you have
Speaker 1: a support system that's going to be there for you
Speaker 1: regardless too. You know, I can imagine how scary it
Speaker 1: is as a single or as somebody who doesn't have
Speaker 1: a support system to say, damn, this could be a
Speaker 1: make me or break new situation decision and I don't
Speaker 1: know which we should go. I gotta say this as
Speaker 1: a as a man who feels like I'm the leader
Speaker 1: of my household. Right I feel confident in the decisions
Speaker 1: I make because I know that regardless of whether I'm
Speaker 1: lost or not, I have a co pilot who's gonna
Speaker 1: be there to support me regardless. I've been able to
Speaker 1: make decisions, make mistakes, you know, because sometimes when you
Speaker 1: make a decision and you don't have control over everything,
Speaker 1: or make poor decisions and always felt like you were
Speaker 1: going to be there. I think it's important for people
Speaker 1: who are listening to this podcast, who are in relationships
Speaker 1: to understand what that looks like. When I walk out
Speaker 1: in the world, I never walk out alone because I
Speaker 1: know I got somebody with me. So for example, when
Speaker 1: they came time to the property in Michigan and and no,
Speaker 1: rent out the property in Michigan and moved back to Brooklyn.
Speaker 1: This is a decision. Was sold and sure about the decision. No,
Speaker 1: But I said, I have to make a decision, and
Speaker 1: I have somebody with me who's gonna rock with me
Speaker 1: regardless of what this decision looks like. So when I
Speaker 1: made the decision to run out the property, move back,
Speaker 1: spend the money on the wedding, because ultimately, yes, I
Speaker 1: asked you what you thought, but it was ultimately up
Speaker 1: to me and I made those decisions. Hindsight, we were
Speaker 1: lost after that. We should have used that money a
Speaker 1: better way. But what did we do. We had each
Speaker 1: other's back the whole time and never once blamed the other. No, no,
Speaker 1: whatever situation we were in now we were circumstances. Never
Speaker 1: there was never one person to blame, because I always knew,
Speaker 1: if anything, your heart was in the right place, if
Speaker 1: you were trying to make a decision, you weren't gonna,
Speaker 1: you know, purposefully bring us into you know, life of
Speaker 1: you know, broke dumb and ship. But it happens the
Speaker 1: life of broke them and you're telling the truth. Because
Speaker 1: on our wedding veils when they said for rich Or
Speaker 1: poor I said rich Or Richard because I never intended
Speaker 1: for us to ever be in a space where I
Speaker 1: couldn't provide. And even though we weren't rich in those moments,
Speaker 1: you were still right there. And that also goes back
Speaker 1: to choices. Right when you make a choice you got,
Speaker 1: they're gonna be moments where you're gonna look at your
Speaker 1: partner and you're gonna be like, you're the reason I'm
Speaker 1: in this motherfuone, right because and you've had those moments.
Speaker 1: I've had those moments right when you start the self
Speaker 1: loathing and you start the blame game. So when you're
Speaker 1: in a relationship and you get to that blame game
Speaker 1: portion of it, that's normal because K and I have
Speaker 1: been there. We're not gonna lie and sit here and
Speaker 1: be like the whole time we were Hunky Dorry. Come on,
Speaker 1: come on, Kdelan, your choices, choric choices, your choice. No,
Speaker 1: there was a lot of times he was like the
Speaker 1: fun like, when right mind does that? Why would that?
Speaker 1: It was a mistake that I sliped the credit card
Speaker 1: and I just don't know what to keep happening. So
Speaker 1: the story keeps sliping the card and I don't know
Speaker 1: how to He's a mistake. He tripped and fell on
Speaker 1: the card. The card reader now is the tap joint
Speaker 1: and making that much easier for you. Fall forward, tap charge,
Speaker 1: Ladies and gentlemen, Ladies and gentlemen. This was our life
Speaker 1: and in our mid twenties we made a lot of
Speaker 1: poor decisions and choices. We definitely did. But we have
Speaker 1: fun climbing out that bitch though, because we put ourselves
Speaker 1: in a lot of holes. Though, Like I can laugh
Speaker 1: about it now, you know, but during the time, and
Speaker 1: it wasn't funny. It was not funny at all. Listen,
Speaker 1: we've ready to keep each other. When smart people don't
Speaker 1: have the resources or support to feel the privilege in
Speaker 1: making choices, they often are too tired, frustrated, or apathetic
Speaker 1: about making choices. I think that's what we just covered
Speaker 1: that as far as wanting to be able to make
Speaker 1: the choice, but just don't just fatigued, because life is
Speaker 1: all about choice. Every day. I gotta do this, I
Speaker 1: gotta do that, I gotta go here. What time I'm
Speaker 1: gonna go? When are we going to play this? After
Speaker 1: a while, It's like, I don't even want to make
Speaker 1: these choices anymore. You know which, which choice for me
Speaker 1: kind of just falls under this category. I guess, um
Speaker 1: that has become very very munchy Jane and daunting. What's
Speaker 1: for dinner? What's for dinner? What you want for dinner?
Speaker 1: Nobody ever knows what they want for dinner. That ship
Speaker 1: is annoying. Make a choice, tell me, give me options
Speaker 1: the kids knowing what they want. You just don't like
Speaker 1: the choice. They say, chicken fingers and frogs or pizza.
Speaker 1: It's not gonna fly every day. It's just not. It's
Speaker 1: just not. But what's wrong with chicken fingers and frouds
Speaker 1: every day? No, you need variety in your life. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you need some vegetables, you need some of the food
Speaker 1: groups in there. It's not not an option. And lastly,
Speaker 1: smart people come from different backgrounds and experiences. Your history
Speaker 1: informs the choices that you make in the present. Being
Speaker 1: better choice, making better choices sometimes requires that you first
Speaker 1: face your past and heal from the things that have
Speaker 1: hurt you. That's the biggest one. Yeah, that's the biggest one. Um,
Speaker 1: Codeine and I have been trying to spend the last
Speaker 1: couple of years peeling back the layers of who we
Speaker 1: are based on where we came from, and we've realized,
Speaker 1: for example, I like to make choices and being controlled
Speaker 1: because I hate that feeling of not knowing. Being in
Speaker 1: the NFL and having my livelihood taken from me without
Speaker 1: any like valuable explanation other than they just want to
Speaker 1: go a different direction. Made me feel like I was
Speaker 1: in the ocean with no life raft. You know, there
Speaker 1: was just so many variables I couldn't control, and now
Speaker 1: I'm stuck out here and I'm treading water. But when
Speaker 1: you're when you're treading water in the ocean and you
Speaker 1: can't see where the land is, you don't even know
Speaker 1: what direction to swim. And when I first got cut
Speaker 1: from the NFL, not knowing what my second career plan
Speaker 1: plan was at the moment and trying to figure out, well,
Speaker 1: I know I want to act, but I don't know
Speaker 1: how to get there. To me, that felt like I
Speaker 1: know I want to get back to land, but I
Speaker 1: don't know which direction the land is, and if I
Speaker 1: start swimming, I could be swimming in the wrong direction,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. And a lot of times
Speaker 1: for people When you get to that point, it's like
Speaker 1: do I just drown or do I just pick a
Speaker 1: place and start swimming the hope that I am going
Speaker 1: to tell everyone you have to start swimming, because this
Speaker 1: is one thing I do know about water. There's land
Speaker 1: all around it. So if you swim long enough and
Speaker 1: you have much more determination then the waves, you will
Speaker 1: find your way back to land. And also you have
Speaker 1: to learn how to be peaceful and be still. You
Speaker 1: know how the Bible says be still? You know why
Speaker 1: the Bible says to be still? Think about that same analogy. Right,
Speaker 1: be still, Let the universe take control. Right, let Jesus
Speaker 1: take the wheel. If you're out in the ocean and
Speaker 1: you just lay still on your back and you tread water,
Speaker 1: the current will ultimately take you to land if you
Speaker 1: allow it. Sometimes, when you're so hardheaded about your choices
Speaker 1: and you just keep fighting fighting against the current, if
Speaker 1: you don't know where you're going, sometimes it's okay to
Speaker 1: be still and let God take over. Let go and
Speaker 1: let God. And I just want people to if you're
Speaker 1: listening to this, when it comes to choices, if you
Speaker 1: don't know, sometimes let go on that guy. You know
Speaker 1: that's amazing and not to laugh at your epic moment
Speaker 1: that you just made right there. I am envisioning. I
Speaker 1: knew it. I knew he was gonna bring up that
Speaker 1: store here. I am trying to have a serious moment
Speaker 1: with the people you're gonna bring up Almost this was amazing, Devil,
Speaker 1: and it was a great way for you to tie
Speaker 1: that in and wrap it all up and put a
Speaker 1: bow on top of it. Almost died. You're making jokes,
Speaker 1: but devout y'all. When we were on our first trip
Speaker 1: together away out of the country, we went to Jamaica,
Speaker 1: I took him back yard row all right. We were
Speaker 1: in the grill, went to real and we were on
Speaker 1: the coast, you know, got into a little glass was
Speaker 1: a glass bottom bom bottom PTSD from this just you know,
Speaker 1: along the coast, and the driver was like, you know what,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna take you guys to Rick's Cafe. Man, you
Speaker 1: can go and you can jump off the cliff and
Speaker 1: all kind of stuff. So we were like, oh, that's interesting,
Speaker 1: sounds good talking to Nobody said that. It was us
Speaker 1: with like two other couples at the time of strange couples.
Speaker 1: We were in the boat with two other white couples. Okay, now, no,
Speaker 1: that is important. It's important because white people do white
Speaker 1: people ship, right, Like, if you're Asafar, you know what
Speaker 1: the white people are gonna do. They're gonna jump out
Speaker 1: the truck, go try to pet the lion ship. We're
Speaker 1: gonna keep out black asses in the truck. I like
Speaker 1: it from here, I'll take pictures in video. Right, So
Speaker 1: I had no I had nothing in me. Wanted to
Speaker 1: get out this damn boat. But again, why do smart
Speaker 1: people make dumb choices? Because they bringing it back to exactly,
Speaker 1: bringing it back to point number one? Okay, aligned with
Speaker 1: their curt community values and the influence of being around
Speaker 1: other people. I can't believe the window so devot proceeds, y'all.
Speaker 1: I was peer pressured. I was peer pressured. All right.
Speaker 1: We were twenty two years old. Both couples are a
Speaker 1: little bit older, and I was in the best shape
Speaker 1: of all of the men there. And we were doing
Speaker 1: the glass bottom boat and then we get off to
Speaker 1: do snorkeling, and I put the life vessel on the
Speaker 1: do snorkeling, right, And they were making fun of me
Speaker 1: because I had on a life vessel, right, They were
Speaker 1: like this big NFL every yeah, every day was making
Speaker 1: all sorts of jokes, and it's saying bro and laughing
Speaker 1: and calling me brown ships. I was getting pissed right. So,
Speaker 1: and while we pull up to Ricks Cafe, the kids
Speaker 1: were jumping off of Rick's Cafe and swimming up to
Speaker 1: the boat for tips. So I see all of these
Speaker 1: young kids jumping off the boat and swimming to the
Speaker 1: boat or whatever. And then one of the guys just, man,
Speaker 1: we need to go jump off, right, And my first
Speaker 1: instinct is to be like, hell, no, I'm jumping off
Speaker 1: that cliff or getting out this boat. Right. Dude was
Speaker 1: smoking a cigarette. The other dude was smoking a cigarette. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: let's go. They both jump in the water and start
Speaker 1: swimming to Risk Cafe. Now at this point, look back
Speaker 1: and the only guy in the boat. It's me. I
Speaker 1: can't be the only guy still on the boat, listen.
Speaker 1: I was content with you being there because I had
Speaker 1: that one thing to prove to these people because we
Speaker 1: didn't see him. Then see him again, you didn't, but
Speaker 1: I had to pool. I was doing this for your honor.
Speaker 1: I was doing this for your honor because your man
Speaker 1: can't be their own. They will be laughing back at you.
Speaker 1: Want to resort. We was in re You then the
Speaker 1: grill and the re You and the grill, and I
Speaker 1: don't want to come back and anybody be laughing at
Speaker 1: you because your husband the re You without you. Imagine
Speaker 1: me going back to red You without you? What that
Speaker 1: looked like? Parents just be read? No, you would just
Speaker 1: be read by herself. So I'm like, how far could
Speaker 1: it be? It looked like it was about what two
Speaker 1: hundred yards? So I jump off the boat to both
Speaker 1: the boat. I'm swimming because I could swim, right, I'm
Speaker 1: not Michael Felshim, So I swimmed. I put my head down.
Speaker 1: I swimmed for like smooth thirty seconds. I'm kicking and kicking.
Speaker 1: I'm swinging my arms right. I bring my head up.
Speaker 1: I look back. The boat is still right behind me.
Speaker 1: So I've gone nowhere, like I've done all this swimmen,
Speaker 1: and I'm still right my first So now I'm getting tired,
Speaker 1: but I pushed through. I keep swimming, keeps swimming. I
Speaker 1: end up swimming for about four and a half five
Speaker 1: minutes straight. Finally got to Ricks Cafe. Right when I
Speaker 1: get there, both white boys jump off whoa, yeah, splash right,
Speaker 1: come on, come on, they go climb up again, jump
Speaker 1: off again. At this point I have a full body cramp, right,
Speaker 1: full body cramp from my toes all it to my eyebrows.
Speaker 1: My whole body is like like nas, you are staying
Speaker 1: on this rock. But I'm like, I gotta do this
Speaker 1: for my my woman, like it's for her honor. I
Speaker 1: gotta make sure I don't look like a punk. Right,
Speaker 1: So I climb up there to ricks Cafe right, step off.
Speaker 1: Now the rest of them jump. There was kids jumping
Speaker 1: off the trees at the top of ricks Cafe. I
Speaker 1: was at the very edge of the low part. I
Speaker 1: jumped off right. Once I hit the water right, I
Speaker 1: don't remember hearing anything because I went deaf for a minute.
Speaker 1: Like that. You hit the water with such impact. It
Speaker 1: was like like you hear the ringing. And I still
Speaker 1: can't breathe from swimming. Finally get to the top, climbed
Speaker 1: back out to the rocks. I'm so tired, right, and
Speaker 1: now I'm watching the guys that jumped off the boat
Speaker 1: with me. They're swimming back to the boat. Come on,
Speaker 1: let's come on, we gotta get back before Sunday. We
Speaker 1: gotta get back right, people laughing pointing at me. Huh,
Speaker 1: get him a life vest, Get him a life vest.
Speaker 1: So now I'm like, I can't be a punk now
Speaker 1: and get a light vest. Get a light vest. I
Speaker 1: gotta swim back to the boat. I see Codeine screaming
Speaker 1: from the boat, yelling at the guy who was running
Speaker 1: the boat, y'all gotta get closer, go get him. Only
Speaker 1: I was I've seen the struggle in the panic in
Speaker 1: your face. And I was like, y'all have to take
Speaker 1: this boat closer. And he said, no, Mom, I can't.
Speaker 1: We're gonna look up ponder rocks to the man. Then
Speaker 1: well we have no boat no more. I'm like, great,
Speaker 1: So now we can't get closer to him. He clearly
Speaker 1: can't get to so I'm like, you have to have
Speaker 1: a rope, you have to have something. I can throw nothing.
Speaker 1: So at this point I had to make a decision.
Speaker 1: I said, you know what, I'm gonna just go for
Speaker 1: the gust. Though, man, if I die, at least my
Speaker 1: wife could say she was my girlfriend the time. We
Speaker 1: weren't even wife, we were boyfriend girlfriend. My girlfriend could
Speaker 1: tell everybody what happened. Because it was also the kids
Speaker 1: was pointing at me and laughing at me because they
Speaker 1: had jumped over the trees and I see the points
Speaker 1: and they was like and he was saying, like rocks
Speaker 1: cloud or something like that. And I was getting and
Speaker 1: I was getting mad because I heard rocks cloud puss over.
Speaker 1: I was getting pissed. So I jumped in the water,
Speaker 1: started swimming. Got a muscle cramp, right, says, shoot, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna have to backstroke, so I turned on my back
Speaker 1: and I started floating. As I'm floating, I realized the
Speaker 1: current was taking me back to the boat, so I
Speaker 1: didn't have to do much swimming. Now here's the kicker, right,
Speaker 1: I float all the way back to the boat. I
Speaker 1: get there. I'm still tired, right, They're gonna say to
Speaker 1: me when I get there. Yeah. Man, we were wondering
Speaker 1: why you were swimming at the top of the water.
Speaker 1: But what you mean it was like the current. The
Speaker 1: current goes into ricks Cafe, bounces off the rocks and
Speaker 1: pushes you back out. If you want to get to
Speaker 1: ricks Cafe faster, you go underneath the water and let
Speaker 1: the current from underneath. K That's why they got there
Speaker 1: so fast. Me at the top swimming. I was swimming
Speaker 1: against the current that was against the rocks and pushing
Speaker 1: back and that's what took me so long to get back. Man,
Speaker 1: I got back on that boat and passed, sure did.
Speaker 1: And then I was puking off the side at that
Speaker 1: point because after the rocky nous, I just had to
Speaker 1: make sure that he was back on the boat. And
Speaker 1: then I was like, so ceasick. After that, I'm like,
Speaker 1: you know what, get us home. So that's a perfect
Speaker 1: example of smart people making poor decisions because they're influenced
Speaker 1: by their environment. Right who making smart? Neither? Clearly Jamaican
Speaker 1: kids were smart. They were talking a boys on the boat.
Speaker 1: They got their money. The one little kid was like, oh,
Speaker 1: puss old pussles. I want to fight him, but I
Speaker 1: had a full body cramp and d he was half
Speaker 1: your size. So how are we teaching our kids to
Speaker 1: make good choices? That's a pretty good question, how our
Speaker 1: kids to make How are we teaching our children to
Speaker 1: make good choices? I don't know if this is something
Speaker 1: that we've deliberately. I don't think I've really thought about
Speaker 1: this yet, per se, Like, how am I teaching you
Speaker 1: to make a good choice? I know I'm trying to
Speaker 1: in this moment, particularly with Jackson, for example, equipped him
Speaker 1: with every single scenario that I can think of sometimes
Speaker 1: to make sure that he's at least prepared and aware
Speaker 1: of how a choice that he makes will affect the outcome.
Speaker 1: It could be something as simple as an exam. Right,
Speaker 1: He's in middle school now, so this is a big jump,
Speaker 1: you know, socially, physically academically for him from elementary to
Speaker 1: middle school. So one way, for example, I'm teaching him
Speaker 1: how to make a choice, right, he doesn't quite grasp
Speaker 1: the concept yet. In elementary school of just studying, you know,
Speaker 1: everyone has their different technique in way of staying. They
Speaker 1: have their you know, their tips and tricks or their
Speaker 1: tactics that help them to absorb information and all that.
Speaker 1: So when I saw you know, newsletters coming in from
Speaker 1: his various subject teachers and stuff, and they're telling me
Speaker 1: when exams are happening and tests are happening quiz in
Speaker 1: the first month of s cool, I would notice, like,
Speaker 1: you know, I know Jackson has a science examp tomorrow,
Speaker 1: but I don't see him studying. So so because it's
Speaker 1: new to him, you know, I make sure I have
Speaker 1: the conversation, and I'm like, hey, buddy, you know, now
Speaker 1: that you have these different teachers, different subjects, happening is
Speaker 1: going to require a lot of organization on your part.
Speaker 1: Got him a little student agenda like I used to
Speaker 1: have back in the day, and here's your your week.
Speaker 1: Is what your week looks like. You put your exams
Speaker 1: on the calendar, so you know when you have to
Speaker 1: study leading up to that. But what I realized is
Speaker 1: that I cannot tell him how to be that kind
Speaker 1: of right. So what I did was instead say, hey,
Speaker 1: here's what worked for me in the past. You're going
Speaker 1: to develop your own system on how to study, and
Speaker 1: just make sure whatever system you develop is effective enough
Speaker 1: for you to bring home to A's because if you
Speaker 1: don't bring home to A's is gonna be a problem. Right,
Speaker 1: So what ends up happening Jackson after knowing all of
Speaker 1: these things, because of course, too, I don't want to
Speaker 1: micro manage him, or I don't want to be that
Speaker 1: mom that's like helicopter mom trying to, you know, make
Speaker 1: all of the decisions for him. Because we've also seeing
Speaker 1: the detriment in children who have become adults where their
Speaker 1: parents were always making the choices for them, and then
Speaker 1: how here they are adults and don't know how to
Speaker 1: even make a choice for themselves. So I never want
Speaker 1: that to be the case. But he'll know the consequence.
Speaker 1: So if you don't study for a science exam, for example,
Speaker 1: and you bring home at eighty, then you're gonna have
Speaker 1: to talk to me about why you brought home an eighty.
Speaker 1: Wasn't an eighty because you weren't prepared because you made
Speaker 1: the choice not to study, or was it an eighty
Speaker 1: because you genuinely didn't understand the stuff And you talk
Speaker 1: about eight with the disgust in your face. Absolutely absolutely,
Speaker 1: I got a lot of eighties in my day. I'm
Speaker 1: doing all you're doing, all right, But the standard is
Speaker 1: you know what time it is? The kids be ready
Speaker 1: to cry? Yeah, no, I mean it's not that bad,
Speaker 1: but oh yes it is, Yes, it is it, Yes
Speaker 1: it is. Jackson is terrified to get anything below nine.
Speaker 1: And Cayro has gotten all hundreds on this for he's
Speaker 1: in kindergarten and he's got all hundreds so far. Like
Speaker 1: all he got to know is the color red is red.
Speaker 1: But if he don't, if he gets one wrong, he's concerned.
Speaker 1: But there's a difference to me though, there's a difference
Speaker 1: in like so for example, when they do get something incorrect,
Speaker 1: or you come home with something in the eighties or
Speaker 1: seventies even right, because as we've been there with them,
Speaker 1: with Jackson particularly, it's more of a concern for me
Speaker 1: to say, Okay, is this material that you do not
Speaker 1: genuinely understand that we have to now get you a
Speaker 1: tutor or sit down and unpack why you may not
Speaker 1: understand this stuff or is it just from the choice
Speaker 1: to just not study in that moment and just allow
Speaker 1: yourself take the exam. Let me tell you something and
Speaker 1: the chips fall with their main let me tell you
Speaker 1: what it is, right. And I've noticed this with with moms,
Speaker 1: my mom, with your mom, with most of the moms
Speaker 1: that I've helped, did I inherit me? Yes, you've inherit
Speaker 1: You've inherited right. Okay. A lot of times, you guys
Speaker 1: care so much about your children, right that you protect
Speaker 1: them from the consequences that come from the decisions they made. Right.
Speaker 1: I'm trying what you can't do as a dad. I've
Speaker 1: heard other dad said the same thing, or he did that,
Speaker 1: let him do with it. And like, no, that's my baby.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna let him deal with it. One the way
Speaker 1: I'm teaching my boys how to learn how to make
Speaker 1: better choices is teaching them to deal with the consequences
Speaker 1: that they get from the choices they make when they're young,
Speaker 1: because the stakes aren't as high. So, for example, like
Speaker 1: you said with Jackson and the reading thing, I remember
Speaker 1: when he first got to fifth grade and they transitioned
Speaker 1: from um in school, don't know, from virtual learning back
Speaker 1: to in school, and he wasn't taking it as serious,
Speaker 1: and you was on him every day, did you really dread?
Speaker 1: And say, yo, just relax. Then he got his reading grades,
Speaker 1: and one grade was the sixty five I believe, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I think that, And I think he had got a
Speaker 1: sixty five for something and he was distrought about it.
Speaker 1: But the point of the matter was unless he feels
Speaker 1: what it's like to get a sixty five and no
Speaker 1: he don't want it, he'll always continue to think that
Speaker 1: my mom is going to create a space or save
Speaker 1: me from whatever the consequences are. He didn't study the
Speaker 1: way he was supposed to. He got a sixty five.
Speaker 1: I then told him, you get another sixty five, you
Speaker 1: can't play basketball and you have to go to tutoring.
Speaker 1: Those are the consequences. You give them those consequences when
Speaker 1: they're young enough, and then they can make decision to
Speaker 1: change the outcome. That's how you teach them how to
Speaker 1: make better choices. Unlike some parents who will stay on
Speaker 1: their kids NonStop and make sure that they like you said,
Speaker 1: teach them how to study, but call them every day
Speaker 1: to make sure they study, literally put the pencil in
Speaker 1: their hands and set them down. And then when they
Speaker 1: get to college and it's time to make choices on
Speaker 1: your own, they don't know how to make choices. And
Speaker 1: I'm not telling you, I'm not itching to take that
Speaker 1: agenda and write down every email that I've gotten from
Speaker 1: his teachers and organize everything for him, just because I
Speaker 1: know I thrive in that kind of environment, and academically,
Speaker 1: I see Jackson, we have a lot of similarities. So
Speaker 1: that's why instead of doing that, because I fear that,
Speaker 1: I fear having boys who are then becoming you know,
Speaker 1: weak men or weak young men, because they just feel
Speaker 1: like they're not equipped and don't know how to navigate
Speaker 1: the world and make the choices that are best for them.
Speaker 1: So as much as I want to. I think i've
Speaker 1: it's finally clicked to me um a couple of years now,
Speaker 1: like I haven't been nearly as you know, hovering or
Speaker 1: copped a mom with the kids as I used to
Speaker 1: be or want to be, because I really think it's
Speaker 1: important that they are equipped and armed with, you know,
Speaker 1: all of the essentials to make sure that they're making
Speaker 1: the right choices. So all right, y'all, we're gonna get
Speaker 1: into this money real quick, take a break, and we'll
Speaker 1: be back. And we're back from our quick break. We
Speaker 1: made a choice to come back because we love you
Speaker 1: all like that, and I'm going to make a choice
Speaker 1: and it was no mistake. I'm gonna be a gentleman
Speaker 1: and let my wife go first. Sounds good, I'll read
Speaker 1: Number one Deared Canina Develle. I've been with my man
Speaker 1: Sean for a year, but we've been dating on and
Speaker 1: off for four years. I've had an issue with his
Speaker 1: female friend. They had sexual relations before me and him
Speaker 1: started him before me and him and started dating. But
Speaker 1: although their sexual relationship has stopped, I feel some type
Speaker 1: of way about it. We all work together, but the
Speaker 1: way she looks at him bothers me, um, girl like
Speaker 1: she's not over the fact that he finally has a girlfriend.
Speaker 1: Now he tells me that they're just friends, but when
Speaker 1: they talk, she looks at him like she's so in love,
Speaker 1: like constantly laughing at his corny ass jokes and stuff
Speaker 1: like that. It makes me uncomfortable because she's like, I
Speaker 1: wanted to beat this little bit ahead. Um. It makes
Speaker 1: me uncomfortable because Sean doesn't see the issue because he
Speaker 1: says he's not cheating and he doesn't want her in
Speaker 1: that way. Also, when he first told her that we
Speaker 1: were together, she had an attitude and I still don't
Speaker 1: know why because I don't know this girl at all.
Speaker 1: But now it makes sense because she's not over him
Speaker 1: and it shows I don't think he's sleeping with her. However,
Speaker 1: I feel that those friendly interactions should be at a minimum,
Speaker 1: especially since he's in a committed relationship now and my
Speaker 1: tripping or is he too blind to see that she
Speaker 1: still wants him. I always wonder that do guys choose
Speaker 1: to see or not see if a woman is into them?
Speaker 1: Because I know you've told me, even though we're married,
Speaker 1: that you can tell when you're around a woman who
Speaker 1: if you you know, yeah, if you throw that ball up,
Speaker 1: the balls up. That's not where I intended for it
Speaker 1: to go. However, Yeah, like you know, as I when
Speaker 1: a woman is into you or would be into you
Speaker 1: if you was about it. So what do you think
Speaker 1: in the circumstance here, because I'm with homegrow, I'm ready
Speaker 1: to fighter. You know, this is this is the problem
Speaker 1: comes a double standard, right because women have male friends,
Speaker 1: and you'll always say all the time, it's just like, oh,
Speaker 1: he's just a friend. I control everything, So don't worry
Speaker 1: aboudy again, do not. Absolutely we can do the same thing.
Speaker 1: Absolutely we do the same thing. I mean, I believe it.
Speaker 1: I believe it. I'm just saying in her particular scenario,
Speaker 1: I think it's like she has male friends. I'm pretty
Speaker 1: sure she does. Like I don't. I have never met
Speaker 1: one person that says I only commingle with the people
Speaker 1: who have the same genital ys me. Like, that's just
Speaker 1: not acord. And what doesn't help is if the person
Speaker 1: is attractive. I forget that, Like, don't have an attractive friend,
Speaker 1: because then it's like, oh, there has to be a
Speaker 1: reason why they're actually look the truth, friends and platonic
Speaker 1: at that. This goes back to choices. He every day
Speaker 1: has to make a choice if he wants to be
Speaker 1: with his girlfriend or if he wants to be with
Speaker 1: his His friend explained, if he's continuously making the choice
Speaker 1: to be with you, and you continue to focus on
Speaker 1: that girl, you're going to become the problem and not
Speaker 1: that girl. You have to understand and let people show
Speaker 1: you who they are. If he's showing you that he
Speaker 1: wants to be committed to you and she's still laughing
Speaker 1: at his corny jokes, let her laugh at the corny
Speaker 1: jokes until he decides that he wants to disrespect you.
Speaker 1: Why is this even a problem, Because what you can't
Speaker 1: do as a person is trying to block everybody that's
Speaker 1: around your signing if again, other that gets exhausting and
Speaker 1: also looks corny, Like every time a guy comes around you,
Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure the guys and probably the women that
Speaker 1: are around you would have sex you to if they
Speaker 1: had the chance, right, right, And so am I going
Speaker 1: to sit here and look at everybody's giggle every time
Speaker 1: you make a joke because your jokes don't be funny,
Speaker 1: but niggas be laughing. My jokes are very funny. My
Speaker 1: jokes be funny, not only a joke. Sometimes your jokes
Speaker 1: be laying in a little flat, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: I've been trying to work with you on how you
Speaker 1: tell stories so that you get to the punch line
Speaker 1: a little later rather than giving it away earlier. But
Speaker 1: that's why you do story time and not me. I
Speaker 1: just had the razzle dazz with y'all, and that's all
Speaker 1: I'm responsible. You definitely do bring the razzle and the dass.
Speaker 1: But my point is is that people are going to
Speaker 1: be attracted to you. With my wife, like, what am
Speaker 1: I supposed to do? I can't walk around with a
Speaker 1: guard up and just be so defensive her circumstance because
Speaker 1: they've had a sexual past. You know, it's a little
Speaker 1: bit harder for her to move on from that. But
Speaker 1: also since you don't want your insecurity to show particularly
Speaker 1: to her either, because then the last thing I always
Speaker 1: said I ever wanted was some other bits to have
Speaker 1: something on me, right, and that feeling alone is enough
Speaker 1: to make you crazy. So I'm hoping that she's not
Speaker 1: exuding that insecurity around home girl too, because you know
Speaker 1: girls too, they want to play the game. She might
Speaker 1: be turning it up just because she knows it gets
Speaker 1: under your skin. That's a good point. And she might
Speaker 1: just be doing it just to do it, because that's
Speaker 1: how some people are. But if your man hasn't given
Speaker 1: you any reason to doubt him and to make you
Speaker 1: feel as if there's legitimately something going on here, let
Speaker 1: that keep laughing. Yeah, let let her. Let her laugh
Speaker 1: at you, Joe, he's laughing at the corny as choke.
Speaker 1: Because here's the thing, and I've learned this for some
Speaker 1: of my my lady friends, there is nothing more attractive
Speaker 1: than a man that kid's attention from other women, but
Speaker 1: still focuses on his woman. This is what my lady
Speaker 1: friends tell me. You when you have a man that
Speaker 1: he knows, who he's committed to, can still entertain and
Speaker 1: joke and kihi with these other women, but then be like, yo, piece,
Speaker 1: I gotta go home to my wife, for it's like
Speaker 1: it's about my wife that's attractive to them. So you
Speaker 1: have to expect nobody wants somebody that nobody wants. I
Speaker 1: know that when I when I think in the restaurants,
Speaker 1: if nobody looking at her the way I think they
Speaker 1: should be looking at her. I'm like, we need to
Speaker 1: go home and need to change our fit because I
Speaker 1: ain't see enough eyes that way. You know what I'm saying, Like,
Speaker 1: we gotta figure something out right, and you should expect
Speaker 1: that if if you're your man and your woman looks good,
Speaker 1: it's like, shoot, yeah they have charisma. Yeah, you expect that.
Speaker 1: And I never changes man. When you get married, people
Speaker 1: are going to be attracted to your significant other the
Speaker 1: same reason why you were attracted to them. That doesn't
Speaker 1: go away when they get a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
Speaker 1: So you know, just unless they prove to you or
Speaker 1: show you something different, make the choice to be in
Speaker 1: a good space. Don't allow the what ifs to create
Speaker 1: an environment that's uncomfortable. And now your relationship is going
Speaker 1: down the drains than you harpen on something and putting
Speaker 1: a hundred on ten on something that is nothing. And
Speaker 1: then you in turn all to the entire your mood
Speaker 1: of your relationship because you're just harping on something that
Speaker 1: may not even be You know that's a fact. Good
Speaker 1: luck to you, says Tell Sean to get it together
Speaker 1: with home girl. Sean, keep telling jokes, all right, what
Speaker 1: these bitches going from a nigga last that's what they want.
Speaker 1: They want to laugh, Sean, keep him laughing, all right.
Speaker 1: Number two, Hey, Codeine and de Val, just want to
Speaker 1: say I love you guys so much. Of my big
Speaker 1: siblings in my head. Thank you so much. I'm a
Speaker 1: young first time mom twenty three who had my child
Speaker 1: five months ago. Congratulations. My fiance had a child prior
Speaker 1: to our relationship, making this his second child. While pregnant,
Speaker 1: he gave me the option to of not working since
Speaker 1: I was finishing up my last year of school and
Speaker 1: I had a job lined up two months after graduating
Speaker 1: one switching to a one income household, We've had a
Speaker 1: lot of financial issues, which tends to happen. I now
Speaker 1: work from home and I take care of the baby
Speaker 1: as well. Since the day she was born, I've been
Speaker 1: the only one up taking care of her at nights
Speaker 1: and throughout the days. Since my baby is breastfed. Is
Speaker 1: a breastfed baby. My fiance says there's no point in
Speaker 1: him waking up and losing sleep since he has to
Speaker 1: go to work and there's nothing he can do. Since
Speaker 1: having the baby, he never took time off of work.
Speaker 1: He leaves at six am, and doesn't get home until
Speaker 1: nine pm now since he has to go to his
Speaker 1: other child's football practice, but that time our baby is
Speaker 1: already and by that time my baby is already in
Speaker 1: bed or going to bed. Sounds like me getting up
Speaker 1: early and then Jackson. I'm also expected to make sure
Speaker 1: the house is tidy and there's food ready, and to
Speaker 1: still be intimate while running on three to four hours
Speaker 1: of sleep. I have no family or help where I am.
Speaker 1: That's a tough one since all of my support system
Speaker 1: and family is back home in Brooklyn and only and
Speaker 1: it's only my fiance here. His family lives an hour
Speaker 1: away from us, but they do not help out at all.
Speaker 1: When I expressed my fiance that I feel like a
Speaker 1: single parent doing majority of the work with the baby,
Speaker 1: this is a tough one. But the baby, he says.
Speaker 1: He says I'm disrespecting him as a father and that
Speaker 1: he's working to provide for the house and he's there
Speaker 1: when he's available. I expressed to him that I'm not
Speaker 1: trying to disrespect him, but clearly just tell him how
Speaker 1: I feel, and everything gets spun around to me being
Speaker 1: at fault since having my baby. He has never she
Speaker 1: said my baby, y'all baby, but since having my baby,
Speaker 1: has never checked in with me to see how I'm
Speaker 1: doing mentally, emotionally inspiration. That's not good. During my pregnancy
Speaker 1: I suffered with prenatal depression and started therapy. I'm at
Speaker 1: a point where I'm starting to resent him and just
Speaker 1: keep my feelings to myself to avoid arguments and all
Speaker 1: being my fault. I don't know what to do or
Speaker 1: what to say anymore. Is there any advice you can give? Um?
Speaker 1: Thank you for all you do for the people in
Speaker 1: the culture, and I'm so happy for you all to
Speaker 1: see the growth and success. Caribbean Brooklyn represent much love,
Speaker 1: Caribbean massive. Wow. This is a difficult one. Difficult one
Speaker 1: because I know what that feeling is like pregnancy, baby, postpartum,
Speaker 1: and she had prenatal depression and so chances that are
Speaker 1: postpartum depression was right around the corner for her regardless.
Speaker 1: And that lack of sleep makes you crazy, the body
Speaker 1: healing makes you crazy. The hormonal imbalance and the readjustment
Speaker 1: makes you even crazier. And it's just really really unfortunate
Speaker 1: that they don't have someone or a family or a
Speaker 1: system to or a village to lean on because that's
Speaker 1: ultimately what got us through these rough patches. But one
Speaker 1: thing I will say, the vow was deliberate about being
Speaker 1: with each of my pregnancy, particularly the last three, was
Speaker 1: very in tune with me, trying to make the atmosphere
Speaker 1: the best that it could meet for me, for me
Speaker 1: to be low stress. Um checking in on me, making
Speaker 1: sure that I was okay mentally physically being one and
Speaker 1: and but but also too, he was out. You were out,
Speaker 1: working out, working ridiculous hours. At one point, you were
Speaker 1: getting up in some mornings five am, a little before
Speaker 1: five to get to a client. Yeah, to get to
Speaker 1: a client for five and you'd be in the gym
Speaker 1: till ten PM. And it was just for me in
Speaker 1: that moment, just a sacrificial period that I saw it as.
Speaker 1: But it's easy for me to see it is that
Speaker 1: because I was able to take a break sometimes by
Speaker 1: having help from my mom. Well, this is the thing though,
Speaker 1: I think, Uh, oftentimes when people are in these these situations,
Speaker 1: they don't recognize what their significant others going through. For example,
Speaker 1: we had a couple of friends who just recently went
Speaker 1: through this right and gentlemen are all upstanding gentlemen so
Speaker 1: when I'm giving you these examples, I'm giving you these
Speaker 1: examples with dudes who are not douchebags and women who
Speaker 1: are not just selfish money hungry women. But these are
Speaker 1: dudes who work work full time jobs, who gave their
Speaker 1: uh baby's mother or their wives the opportunity to stay
Speaker 1: home while they provide because they know how difficult it is.
Speaker 1: Um They also don't have a ton of help, but
Speaker 1: they've had help. The gentleman often feel like I'm the
Speaker 1: one waking up early in the morning, I have to
Speaker 1: be outside the house, away from my child, and providing
Speaker 1: you with the opportunity to stay home. So I'm giving
Speaker 1: you a privilege, whereas the women often feel like I'm
Speaker 1: the only one that has to be up every two
Speaker 1: and a half hours with this child. Even though I'm home,
Speaker 1: I never get a chance to sleep. You get a
Speaker 1: break because you get to go to work and deal
Speaker 1: with just adults. Right, there's no wrong here. Both can
Speaker 1: be right at the same time, and both people can
Speaker 1: also feel the way. This is what you gotta remember, gentlemen.
Speaker 1: Navy seals go through training, right, and there's a part
Speaker 1: of the training where they call it sleep deprivation. Training
Speaker 1: where they make the Navy Seals stay up for thirty
Speaker 1: six hours, because once you stay up past thirty six hours,
Speaker 1: your ability to function cognitively starts to discipertate, which means
Speaker 1: you you are not emotionally or mentally at your best.
Speaker 1: So imagine being a woman and you've been up every
Speaker 1: two and a half to three hours for the past
Speaker 1: I say, six to nine months, and if you're breastfeeding,
Speaker 1: this is where you are. So realistically, you can't be
Speaker 1: expected to function at the same cognitive place as your
Speaker 1: significant other. So when people say, oh, my wife is
Speaker 1: crazy she postpartum, She's not crazy, bro, She's really going
Speaker 1: through something, right. So if you understand that as a
Speaker 1: man first, you approach this differently, meaning what I did,
Speaker 1: and this is what I talked about all the time.
Speaker 1: I said, my wife is going to need help. Do
Speaker 1: I want to live with my mother in law, my mom,
Speaker 1: my dad, my father in law. Do I want to
Speaker 1: live with anybody except my wife? No? I want to
Speaker 1: live with just my wife so we can walk around naked,
Speaker 1: and do we want to do when the kids? I
Speaker 1: want to do that. But I do also understand that
Speaker 1: there's going to be a point in my life where
Speaker 1: my wife is gonna need help, and even though I
Speaker 1: can provide her with the space to be at home
Speaker 1: with the kids all day, that's not necessarily a fucking break.
Speaker 1: I think I think people think, or men maybe think this,
Speaker 1: And I think this goes for like even some of
Speaker 1: our friends who we've had to kind of, you know,
Speaker 1: talk off the ledgen and some moments recently, they think
Speaker 1: that because you're outside, you're in the house, that is
Speaker 1: a break. Yes, Like the fact that you don't have
Speaker 1: to leave the house. Yes, Like oh, were vacation and
Speaker 1: now we're just sitting at home chilling all day, watching TV,
Speaker 1: doing nothing, just watching, just watching the baby. I'll sleep
Speaker 1: in the baby sleeps. It's virtually impossible to do that.
Speaker 1: It's virtually impossible. So sorry, I just want to pay
Speaker 1: you know, I appreciate a part of it, and I
Speaker 1: want to use that to segue into this too. It's
Speaker 1: also unfair for a woman to feel like you get
Speaker 1: a break when you go to work. I never thought
Speaker 1: that way because I'm like, ship you op just as
Speaker 1: early as men. You're dealing with people absolutely every day,
Speaker 1: but a lot of times and may feel like, oh,
Speaker 1: you get you get a break, you get to go
Speaker 1: to work. It's like I've been working NonStop. I got
Speaker 1: up at four in the morning, I had to go
Speaker 1: to the gym, had to help open the gym. I
Speaker 1: have clients all day. I was on my feet all day.
Speaker 1: And in the minute I get back home, you want
Speaker 1: to throw the baby in my face, say it's your turn.
Speaker 1: When does that man get a break? And this is
Speaker 1: where it requires empathy on both parties. No blame blame
Speaker 1: all right. You both made a choice to have a child.
Speaker 1: So since you made the choice to have a child,
Speaker 1: you both have to sacrifice and contribute. Gentlemen, I'm going
Speaker 1: to give you some of the best advice you've ever heard,
Speaker 1: because men don't talk about this. If you have the
Speaker 1: possibility to bring in someone to live with you for
Speaker 1: at least the first month or two, or at least
Speaker 1: come over and and be a night nurse like one
Speaker 1: of our other friends, do do it. Do not say
Speaker 1: my wife can take care of it because she's gonna
Speaker 1: be home all day with the kids. I'm giving you
Speaker 1: some insight that men, we don't talk about this enough.
Speaker 1: That woman, the person who's home all day with the kids,
Speaker 1: needs a break. Codeine and I because we travel so much.
Speaker 1: Her mom is at home with the kids a lot
Speaker 1: of time. You know, anytimes we come home and be like, yo,
Speaker 1: mom needs a break. So it's not just about your wife.
Speaker 1: It's taking care of the people who are in the
Speaker 1: child care services. So whoever's taking care of your child,
Speaker 1: if you really want that person to be the nurturer
Speaker 1: that they need to be in order to have a
Speaker 1: successfully grown child, you have to give them breaks. It's
Speaker 1: unfair for you to think that since she's home all day,
Speaker 1: she's gonna be fine. Now, women, I'm going to give
Speaker 1: you some advice. Thank you, thank you, because you remember
Speaker 1: we went you remember we went through that as sure
Speaker 1: as how I have been in moments when I felt
Speaker 1: like I could do everything. I still feel like I
Speaker 1: can do everything, even with assistance in the home, my
Speaker 1: mother and father being here full time, and I still
Speaker 1: feel like I can do everything. And even with them
Speaker 1: here helping to take care of the children, I still
Speaker 1: with work and children. Had a near breakdown the other
Speaker 1: day with my husband and our manager, like, I guess
Speaker 1: I might have to fold now and find someone to
Speaker 1: assist me, like an assistant, because they're just way too
Speaker 1: many moving parts on any random giving day. You know,
Speaker 1: what we have now is a production team that has
Speaker 1: staff members that need things and need flights and and
Speaker 1: they're just things that I just don't have the mental
Speaker 1: capacity to do anymore. To be accepted, right except the help.
Speaker 1: Be okay with having someone who is trusted to allow
Speaker 1: you the space to just breathe. Sometimes we talked about
Speaker 1: it is so necessary. Absolutely feeling like you don't want
Speaker 1: to let your child is actually a newborn be with
Speaker 1: someone else. But do yourself, your relationship, and your partner
Speaker 1: a favor. Allow someone to come help. It's unfair for
Speaker 1: you as a woman to say I do this all day.
Speaker 1: Now when you come home, it's your turn. It's un
Speaker 1: fair for you as a man to say, I'm not
Speaker 1: going to go go out to work, so you got
Speaker 1: you gotta stuck doing all of this stuff at home.
Speaker 1: It's unfair, and it doesn't have to be paid help.
Speaker 1: If you have friends that you trust, if you have family,
Speaker 1: don't be afraid to open your mouth and say, listen,
Speaker 1: I really need a breather for a couple of hours
Speaker 1: twice a week. You will be shocked what allowing your
Speaker 1: wife to just get a reprieve and take a nap
Speaker 1: for four to five hours twice a week will do
Speaker 1: for her ability to function. And at that time, we
Speaker 1: when we lived in Brooklyn, we didn't have someone living
Speaker 1: with us physically only because of the distance. Now that
Speaker 1: we don't have our family members close by. But man,
Speaker 1: let me tell you my my mom used to come by.
Speaker 1: My sister used to come back and be like, yo,
Speaker 1: I watched the baby for you to take a nap,
Speaker 1: and then I will find it sometimes like, well, I
Speaker 1: can nap with the baby. No, no, no, take the
Speaker 1: baby out the room and get some uninterrupted sleep. If
Speaker 1: you can arrange the assists for yourself two to three
Speaker 1: times a week at the very least to start. I
Speaker 1: know it's hard when you're breastfeeding is all on you.
Speaker 1: Start pumping, giving some bottles. If you're okay with that,
Speaker 1: allow other people to help you, because that is very
Speaker 1: necessary and both of them need to understand that lack
Speaker 1: of sleep, sleep deprivation thing is real. When people say
Speaker 1: that pregnant women or women at a postpartum be going
Speaker 1: through like they just act crazy, it's not them acting crazy.
Speaker 1: You can't expect the person who's going off of minimal
Speaker 1: sleep to function as a normal human for the first
Speaker 1: nine months after having a baby, the hormonal imbalance and
Speaker 1: balanced forget it. It takes the full nine to twelve
Speaker 1: months for your hormones even recover to be normal again.
Speaker 1: And sleep deprivation goes both ways. Because if that man
Speaker 1: is up at four or forty five to go to
Speaker 1: work and then he's working until ten pm and then
Speaker 1: come home and you throw the baby in his face
Speaker 1: and he doesn't get to bed until twelve one o'clock,
Speaker 1: now he sleep deprived. So you have to sleep deprived.
Speaker 1: People looking at each other like that motherfucker crazy, when
Speaker 1: it's really both of y'all are just exhausted in walks resentment. Yes,
Speaker 1: that's so, baby, Do yourselves a favor. This is the advice, y'all.
Speaker 1: Sit down, figure out what type of help you need,
Speaker 1: Speak to whoever you have in your family to help you,
Speaker 1: and get it done. Don't try to do it on
Speaker 1: your own. Don't feel guilty for needing help or asking
Speaker 1: a requesting for help. Just get the help you need. Baby.
Speaker 1: That's a fact, all right, y'all. If you want to
Speaker 1: be featured as one of our listener letters, email us
Speaker 1: at dead as advice at gmail dot com. We can't
Speaker 1: wait to hear from you facts. That's d E A
Speaker 1: D A S S A d V I C E
Speaker 1: at gmail dot com. All right, and it's time for
Speaker 1: a moment of truth. We're talking choices today. Everybody getes choices, mistakes, accidents, intentionality,
Speaker 1: so many words thrown around today. Do you have a
Speaker 1: moment of truth that the listeners can take away? A
Speaker 1: little tidbit summarizes everything You get one life. That life
Speaker 1: is going to be filled with choices. The choices you
Speaker 1: make are going to determine the trajectory of your life.
Speaker 1: People often be afraid to make choices because they don't
Speaker 1: want to make a mistake. There's no such thing as
Speaker 1: a mistake. There's no such thing as a loss. There's
Speaker 1: only lessons. You make a decision, you live with whatever
Speaker 1: decision you make, and whatever you have to do to
Speaker 1: ascend from that decision, you pivot and get it done. Period.
Speaker 1: It's simple. It sounds more complex, but it's simple. Make
Speaker 1: a decision, stick with the decision, and be strong enough
Speaker 1: to say, whatever the consequences that come with this decision,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna rock with it. That's how you don't let
Speaker 1: life happen to you. Same thing in relationships. Make cognitive
Speaker 1: decisions about how you want your life to be, who
Speaker 1: you want your life to be with, and you just
Speaker 1: decide how you're gonna get there. Don't let the dating
Speaker 1: world happen to you. Don't let the whole internet happen
Speaker 1: to you. Make decisions for yourself and stick with those decision.
Speaker 1: That's a fact. Don't let it happen to you. That's
Speaker 1: a great one. And lastly, when you're thinking about significant others,
Speaker 1: right and you, before you spew out your mouth that
Speaker 1: all women or all men act like this, ask yourself
Speaker 1: if you ever dated all women and all men? And
Speaker 1: then ask yourself, have my experiences in my life been
Speaker 1: a product of who I'm dating or who of of
Speaker 1: who's dating me or who I chose to date? It's
Speaker 1: the last thing who I chose. To wrap it up,
Speaker 1: put a bone on him. Y'allus on its day with
Speaker 1: the moment of truth. Then, I guess the moment of
Speaker 1: truth is if you're deciding to be how do I
Speaker 1: put this, If you're deciding to be the backseat driver
Speaker 1: or the co pilot in this car. First of all,
Speaker 1: know what you getting in the car with Hey, okay,
Speaker 1: be okay with that person making a choice and you
Speaker 1: following their lead. And this is particularly for relationships. And
Speaker 1: if you're not okay with the car that you're in
Speaker 1: because of the person and that's driving, getting another car,
Speaker 1: talk about it, walk talk about take the train, take
Speaker 1: the bus, talk about it. Get a donkey, talk about it.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying like, don't don't just feel
Speaker 1: like you have to be trapped in a car, co
Speaker 1: piloting and backseat drive into some dude to some chick
Speaker 1: that has you going awry. Never stuck. Focus on what
Speaker 1: the journey is, Focus on what the task is at hand,
Speaker 1: and make sure that you were strapped in and co
Speaker 1: pilot to somebody who's worth that, because if not, baby,
Speaker 1: there's accidents like car accidents and don't know abody like
Speaker 1: those neither because you car insurance goes up and then
Speaker 1: Geico drops you, and then what you're really gonna be
Speaker 1: on foot or donkey taking this analogy to a hold
Speaker 1: another level, she told get a donkey, talked about car insurance,
Speaker 1: shouted out Geico. Geico did not sponsor this, so they
Speaker 1: sure as much as as freaking car insurance, but nowadays
Speaker 1: ship exactly. But that's the long story short. And would
Speaker 1: you in the car with y'all? All right? You know
Speaker 1: we are going because everybody gets affected that way. All right.
Speaker 1: We love y'all. Thanks for tuning in for another episode
Speaker 1: of season nine Dead Ass Podcast and be sure to
Speaker 1: follow us on social media. Dead as the Podcast is
Speaker 1: our podcast page and I am Cadine, I am and
Speaker 1: I am Devout And if you're listening on Apple Podcasts,
Speaker 1: be sure to rate, review and subscribe. Buckle Up Baby.
Speaker 1: Dead Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast
Speaker 1: Network and is produced by the Nora Opinia and Triple
Speaker 1: Follow the podcast on social media at dead as the
Speaker 1: Podcasts and never miss a Thing.