1 00:00:00,560 --> 00:00:05,200 Speaker 1: When you start a statement with all men or all 2 00:00:05,320 --> 00:00:10,240 Speaker 1: women and you follow it up with any opinion, oftentimes 3 00:00:10,320 --> 00:00:13,360 Speaker 1: it says more about you than the people you think 4 00:00:13,360 --> 00:00:17,159 Speaker 1: you're talking about. Damn, you're just gonna put people on 5 00:00:17,280 --> 00:00:19,840 Speaker 1: front street like that off the bat in the sound bite, 6 00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:23,160 Speaker 1: Well ship, my sound lit is I happen to agree 7 00:00:23,160 --> 00:00:27,760 Speaker 1: with that. Let's find out why. Hey, I'm Cadine and 8 00:00:28,840 --> 00:00:32,320 Speaker 1: we're the Ellises. You may know us from posting funny 9 00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:36,080 Speaker 1: videos with our boys and reading each other publicly as 10 00:00:36,080 --> 00:00:39,000 Speaker 1: a form of therapy. Wait, I'll make you need therapy 11 00:00:39,479 --> 00:00:42,720 Speaker 1: most days. Wow. And one more important thing to mention, 12 00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:46,720 Speaker 1: we're married. We are. We created this podcast to open 13 00:00:46,800 --> 00:00:49,600 Speaker 1: dialogue about some of the live's most taboo topics, things 14 00:00:49,840 --> 00:00:52,520 Speaker 1: most folks don't want to talk about through the lens 15 00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:54,800 Speaker 1: of a millennium married couple. That ass is the term 16 00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:57,280 Speaker 1: that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, 17 00:00:57,280 --> 00:01:01,840 Speaker 1: we're actually saying facts one and the truth, the whole truth, 18 00:01:02,120 --> 00:01:04,440 Speaker 1: and nothing but the truth. Were about to take pillow 19 00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:10,080 Speaker 1: talk to our whole new level. Dead ass starts right now. 20 00:01:12,120 --> 00:01:16,640 Speaker 1: So when I played ball, I'm not gonna say where 21 00:01:16,640 --> 00:01:19,840 Speaker 1: because people be nosy, they'll probably google it though. There 22 00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:22,800 Speaker 1: was a young man who used to hang out with 23 00:01:23,040 --> 00:01:26,160 Speaker 1: a particular group of ladies. I'm not going to say 24 00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:29,840 Speaker 1: what their occupation is, but you can use your imagination. 25 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:35,039 Speaker 1: And typically in the off season, he spent a lot 26 00:01:35,080 --> 00:01:39,680 Speaker 1: of time with these young ladies. One day, who're coming 27 00:01:39,680 --> 00:01:44,560 Speaker 1: in for O T S. And do was late. Get 28 00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:47,080 Speaker 1: a phone call. You know, all the guys in the 29 00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:49,720 Speaker 1: group get a phone call. Have you seen so and so? 30 00:01:50,720 --> 00:01:54,840 Speaker 1: Nobody's seen someone, So finally we have a team meeting. 31 00:01:55,920 --> 00:01:59,760 Speaker 1: So and so was part of a pushing robbery m 32 00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:03,000 Speaker 1: and apparently these young ladies that he had been bringing 33 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:07,000 Speaker 1: back over time, they all fell asleep. He and the 34 00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:09,679 Speaker 1: young ladies together, and when he woke up, they were 35 00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:15,120 Speaker 1: young men in his apartment. It rans acted, asked him 36 00:02:15,120 --> 00:02:18,520 Speaker 1: for the code for the safe, took everything he was paid, 37 00:02:18,560 --> 00:02:20,800 Speaker 1: and he wasn't really concerned about the things that he 38 00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:23,079 Speaker 1: was concerned, you know, he wasn't concerned about his materialistic things, 39 00:02:23,160 --> 00:02:25,440 Speaker 1: nothing like that. But then when he came into the 40 00:02:25,480 --> 00:02:30,079 Speaker 1: locker room after that, his first statement was, that's why 41 00:02:30,080 --> 00:02:35,560 Speaker 1: you can't trust bitches. And my first thought process and 42 00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:40,040 Speaker 1: that was can we not trust bitches or should you 43 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,320 Speaker 1: not trust the type of bitches that you'd be around 44 00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:47,520 Speaker 1: all the time. You know what I'm saying, guy, dead ass. 45 00:02:56,960 --> 00:03:10,800 Speaker 1: Let me know thenn na from niggah me who what 46 00:03:10,919 --> 00:03:23,480 Speaker 1: these bitches from my nigga? Who can yo tell me? 47 00:03:23,520 --> 00:03:26,680 Speaker 1: But from me? Baby, tell me what you want from me? 48 00:03:27,560 --> 00:03:34,520 Speaker 1: It was Brenda, Letitia, Linda, Felicia shan on that and Delicia. Yo. 49 00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:39,120 Speaker 1: That is one of the most classic songs. That's great. 50 00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:41,040 Speaker 1: I look, you wish my name was in that, but 51 00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:44,760 Speaker 1: I know Kadina coming enough to probably make it coming. 52 00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:51,680 Speaker 1: Shout out to DMX, resting p shout out to Cisco. 53 00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:55,600 Speaker 1: You know I couldn't wait. Um so like it got 54 00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:58,120 Speaker 1: to the point where he was like, um, one thing, 55 00:03:58,200 --> 00:04:01,680 Speaker 1: you gotta know, I'm a big a player for life. 56 00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:09,280 Speaker 1: That's like a classic R and B moment. It's the 57 00:04:09,360 --> 00:04:12,840 Speaker 1: classic moment for that. Baby. Let's take a quick break, yes, 58 00:04:13,080 --> 00:04:14,640 Speaker 1: and we'll come back and see how we can apply 59 00:04:15,640 --> 00:04:19,880 Speaker 1: this DMX song. And you're sound about in your story 60 00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:24,080 Speaker 1: to everybody, got choices and how the hardships that we're 61 00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:28,359 Speaker 1: facing are directly defined by those choices. All right, So 62 00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:35,440 Speaker 1: stick around, we'll be back. So we're back, guys, and 63 00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:41,280 Speaker 1: the reason why I chose that song for karaoke is 64 00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:45,800 Speaker 1: because we're talking about choices, right, And one thing DMX 65 00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:48,760 Speaker 1: kept saying was that he kept saying different name, name 66 00:04:48,839 --> 00:04:52,320 Speaker 1: after name after name. Right, And that's gonna take me 67 00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:57,039 Speaker 1: to story time, because in the story time, this particular 68 00:04:57,040 --> 00:05:00,280 Speaker 1: teammate of mine always had choices, and he he used 69 00:05:00,279 --> 00:05:01,960 Speaker 1: to run through the names of the chicks that he 70 00:05:02,360 --> 00:05:05,320 Speaker 1: could talk to, what had access to until he got 71 00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:07,920 Speaker 1: robbed and then it was just on some fun these 72 00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:12,440 Speaker 1: bitches type ship. But I'm gonna pose this question to you, 73 00:05:12,520 --> 00:05:19,000 Speaker 1: coulde how many women do you think the greatest bachelor 74 00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:24,760 Speaker 1: of all time has dated? Like Wilke Chamberlain. Right, Will 75 00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:27,919 Speaker 1: chamber Will Chamberlain is known to sleep with a thousand women. 76 00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:32,359 Speaker 1: A thousand women. Right, Even if Wilke Chamberlains slept with 77 00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:34,120 Speaker 1: a thousand women, we don't know. Some of it could 78 00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:35,919 Speaker 1: be it could be a facade, it could be a 79 00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:40,160 Speaker 1: folk tale. But what if he did, right, what percentage 80 00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:42,960 Speaker 1: of the population is those a thousand women that he 81 00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:48,360 Speaker 1: slept with. It's a very small percentage. It's still less 82 00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:51,200 Speaker 1: than one percent. So with that being said, right, when 83 00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:54,200 Speaker 1: a man or a woman stands up and proclaims that 84 00:05:54,240 --> 00:05:57,960 Speaker 1: they know everything about the opposite is sex based on 85 00:05:58,000 --> 00:06:01,200 Speaker 1: their own experiences. Can we really believe that they know 86 00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:03,880 Speaker 1: what they're talking about? I mean, that's very factual, and 87 00:06:04,440 --> 00:06:07,320 Speaker 1: like we were trying to say for this show, choices 88 00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:11,039 Speaker 1: are are intentional, and then you have people who just 89 00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:15,119 Speaker 1: like mistakenly end up into these situations that they claim 90 00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:19,080 Speaker 1: our accidents, right, But it's not an accident if you're 91 00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:21,440 Speaker 1: picking the same kind of or same type of person 92 00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:25,560 Speaker 1: over and over again. So, um, I think it's important 93 00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:27,800 Speaker 1: for us in this show today to just that's like 94 00:06:27,880 --> 00:06:30,000 Speaker 1: what that looks like? No, No, the first first thing 95 00:06:30,120 --> 00:06:35,120 Speaker 1: is we can put certain things to rest. Things. There's 96 00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:38,560 Speaker 1: nobody on the planet that can stand up and say 97 00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:41,240 Speaker 1: they know how the opposite sex acts all the same 98 00:06:41,279 --> 00:06:45,119 Speaker 1: sex acts based on their personal relationships. So when people 99 00:06:45,160 --> 00:06:48,000 Speaker 1: say that we can stop arguing with people, let's say 100 00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:50,680 Speaker 1: I know because I've been through this, right, And we're 101 00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:53,120 Speaker 1: talking about even if someone's dated a thousand people, right, 102 00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:55,880 Speaker 1: most people in the span of their life having dated 103 00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:59,640 Speaker 1: a thousand people, right, so they probably dated five I'll 104 00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:05,800 Speaker 1: give you ten. Is just like smash. I'm talking dating 105 00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:10,920 Speaker 1: in relationships because purposeful relationships. And the reason why I 106 00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:13,480 Speaker 1: bring this up is because even with that young man, 107 00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:15,280 Speaker 1: because at the time we were having these conversations, I 108 00:07:15,360 --> 00:07:17,440 Speaker 1: was twenty two, was in the NFL, is twenty two. 109 00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:19,920 Speaker 1: He was young too. But to sit up here and 110 00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:22,400 Speaker 1: say that like something like this is why you can't 111 00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:28,240 Speaker 1: trust bitches based on the women that you've dated, really 112 00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:31,080 Speaker 1: says more about the type of women you choose to 113 00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:34,320 Speaker 1: date and less about the women that exists in this planet. 114 00:07:34,320 --> 00:07:36,600 Speaker 1: And it goes both ways, because a lot of women 115 00:07:36,640 --> 00:07:39,680 Speaker 1: sit our hand and say, what niggas ain't shit? What 116 00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:44,000 Speaker 1: type of men are you dating? For example, if you 117 00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:47,360 Speaker 1: are a young man and you're in your mid twenties 118 00:07:47,880 --> 00:07:50,760 Speaker 1: and you go to the same club and you meet 119 00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:53,679 Speaker 1: the same women the same age, at the same club, 120 00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:57,640 Speaker 1: doing the same thing every Saturday, ultimately you're dating the 121 00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:01,120 Speaker 1: same type of person. Now, they may be different areations 122 00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:03,280 Speaker 1: of who that person is, but if you're at the 123 00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:05,160 Speaker 1: same place, doing the same thing and you're getting the 124 00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:08,080 Speaker 1: same result, that means you tend to pick the same 125 00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:10,800 Speaker 1: type of person that's man or woman. So you mean 126 00:08:10,920 --> 00:08:13,680 Speaker 1: he needs to change your venue. Yes, that's one way. 127 00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:17,480 Speaker 1: Change the venue also, or change the type of date, 128 00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:21,200 Speaker 1: change your approach, because if you're if you're getting access 129 00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:23,320 Speaker 1: to these women and you're approaching the same way, that 130 00:08:23,360 --> 00:08:25,720 Speaker 1: means you're getting the same response off of that approach, 131 00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:27,960 Speaker 1: which means, if this is the approach that gets this 132 00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:32,280 Speaker 1: woman's attention, I'm dating the same person using the same approach, 133 00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:36,480 Speaker 1: and if the same result keeps happening, at some point 134 00:08:36,559 --> 00:08:39,160 Speaker 1: something has to change. And it's not the fact that 135 00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:41,880 Speaker 1: you you know, it's it's women or as men. You 136 00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:44,720 Speaker 1: have to change how you choose or the discernment you 137 00:08:44,760 --> 00:08:47,439 Speaker 1: have when picking a significant other. So I feel like 138 00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:49,320 Speaker 1: some people are just for punishment in that though, right, 139 00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:52,040 Speaker 1: because I know a couple of people. One person comes 140 00:08:52,040 --> 00:08:56,800 Speaker 1: to mind immediately, and we always think there's so many 141 00:08:56,840 --> 00:09:00,320 Speaker 1: people in this world, how does he end up with 142 00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:03,959 Speaker 1: the same kind of woman who seems like they come 143 00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:07,880 Speaker 1: from the same place, the same area broken, it's like 144 00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:11,960 Speaker 1: the same baggage, right, mint right, And it's just like, okay, 145 00:09:12,040 --> 00:09:15,000 Speaker 1: now clearly it's not them, yes it's him, But what 146 00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:19,280 Speaker 1: in that is advertising? Like, what in that scenario makes 147 00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:21,760 Speaker 1: him feel like this is this is it for me? 148 00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:24,679 Speaker 1: This is this is worth going through another round of 149 00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:26,959 Speaker 1: this knowing that the outcome, like you said, may not 150 00:09:27,080 --> 00:09:31,600 Speaker 1: be the same result, but it's giving familiar and I 151 00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:34,199 Speaker 1: can't understand that well what I've deduced because I'm not 152 00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:36,240 Speaker 1: a doctor and I'm not an expert. Right, the first 153 00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:38,120 Speaker 1: thing you say is that no one is an expert 154 00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:40,040 Speaker 1: or anything, so then you can you speak as if 155 00:09:40,040 --> 00:09:42,200 Speaker 1: you're an expert. I'm not an expert, but what I've 156 00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:45,040 Speaker 1: seen from my my friend groups, right, is that men 157 00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:49,880 Speaker 1: in particular get into a routine that's comfortable. And when 158 00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:52,760 Speaker 1: you get into a routine that's comfortable, the way you 159 00:09:53,920 --> 00:09:58,240 Speaker 1: are received by other people will determine who's going to 160 00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:02,760 Speaker 1: um accept your advances. You see what I'm saying. So, 161 00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:04,240 Speaker 1: like I said, if you do the same thing and 162 00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:07,400 Speaker 1: you're comfortable saying the same thing and meeting the same people, um, 163 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:10,640 Speaker 1: you're only going to get a response that's receptive from 164 00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:14,400 Speaker 1: a certain type of person. And unless you're comfortable changing 165 00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:17,680 Speaker 1: your approach, which most most men once they get comfortable 166 00:10:17,679 --> 00:10:19,360 Speaker 1: in there. And I'm I can only speak from a 167 00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:23,200 Speaker 1: man's standpoint, right, because we are tasked with being the 168 00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:25,720 Speaker 1: person to approach a woman, whether be at a bar 169 00:10:26,200 --> 00:10:29,640 Speaker 1: or a party or at a club, and most guys 170 00:10:29,679 --> 00:10:32,640 Speaker 1: have they go to like this is this is what 171 00:10:32,679 --> 00:10:36,000 Speaker 1: I'm going to do. Right, If you're approaching ever changes, 172 00:10:36,040 --> 00:10:38,640 Speaker 1: you're always gonna find the same type of person, that's 173 00:10:38,679 --> 00:10:43,080 Speaker 1: the bottom line. And also, how deliberate are you about 174 00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:46,520 Speaker 1: being different within the relationship if it gets to that point, 175 00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:49,160 Speaker 1: or are you exuding the same behavior and then in 176 00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:51,880 Speaker 1: response getting the same behavior from these women and then 177 00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:55,240 Speaker 1: saying it's all them, whereas you can't expect a different 178 00:10:55,760 --> 00:10:58,720 Speaker 1: response from them if your behavior continues to stay the same. 179 00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:03,480 Speaker 1: For example, I got buddies who choose not to be 180 00:11:03,679 --> 00:11:06,880 Speaker 1: exclusive with women, right, that's they make it clear. I'm 181 00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:08,800 Speaker 1: going to be upfront and honest with these women. I 182 00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:11,040 Speaker 1: don't want to be exclusive. I just want to have 183 00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:13,280 Speaker 1: a good time and do X y Z. Right. But 184 00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:15,960 Speaker 1: then what happens is he he has a certain type 185 00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:20,520 Speaker 1: of woman that he likes. He likes high class women 186 00:11:20,559 --> 00:11:24,400 Speaker 1: who like to do high class women things. Right, But 187 00:11:24,559 --> 00:11:28,559 Speaker 1: then we'll complain these bitches a gold diggers. Now here's 188 00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,680 Speaker 1: my thing. You made it very clear in the beginning 189 00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:32,400 Speaker 1: that you're gonna tell these women that you're here for 190 00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:34,319 Speaker 1: a good time, not a long time, and you don't 191 00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:36,439 Speaker 1: want to be exclusive, So you have your things, you 192 00:11:36,480 --> 00:11:39,400 Speaker 1: want to get out this relationship, they have theirs. He 193 00:11:39,480 --> 00:11:43,200 Speaker 1: got upset because some of these women, not one. Some 194 00:11:43,360 --> 00:11:46,920 Speaker 1: of them all requested that if we're going out on 195 00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:48,560 Speaker 1: the date and as simple where I have to be, 196 00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:52,680 Speaker 1: you gotta get the uber. Now, his approach has always 197 00:11:52,679 --> 00:11:54,920 Speaker 1: been to show them, even though he's not a celebrity, 198 00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:58,400 Speaker 1: that he's you know, not well off, but he's doing okay, 199 00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:00,960 Speaker 1: show him a good time. So if you show a 200 00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:03,560 Speaker 1: woman that you're here for a good time, not a 201 00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:05,720 Speaker 1: long time. You like to do things, nice things, you 202 00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:07,839 Speaker 1: like a woman likes to do nice things, and you're 203 00:12:07,880 --> 00:12:11,320 Speaker 1: looking to gain something, preferably sex. There are women out 204 00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:12,920 Speaker 1: there to be like, I'm cool to play this game. 205 00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:15,640 Speaker 1: You're gonna get my car, you're gonna take me out 206 00:12:15,679 --> 00:12:17,880 Speaker 1: to dinner, we're gonna go on trips and we can 207 00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:21,520 Speaker 1: have a good time. But then, right right, pretty much 208 00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:24,160 Speaker 1: gonna play for the pool. You're gonna play for the pool. Right. 209 00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:27,720 Speaker 1: So but then he gets upset and said stuff like 210 00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:29,720 Speaker 1: this is why I treat these women like this because 211 00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:31,959 Speaker 1: they all the same, they all want the same thing, 212 00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:35,880 Speaker 1: And I'm like, dude, how can you even say that, like, 213 00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:41,000 Speaker 1: how can you say that? Conversely? Right, I have a 214 00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:45,959 Speaker 1: home girl that's I'm not gonna say. She's in the industry. 215 00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:48,640 Speaker 1: She makes a lot of money as well, right, But 216 00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:51,800 Speaker 1: she's also looking for the type of man that can 217 00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:53,400 Speaker 1: give her the same type of life that she can 218 00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:56,720 Speaker 1: give herself because you want to date at the same level, 219 00:12:57,080 --> 00:12:59,120 Speaker 1: which is fair. I think that's fair. Ain't wrong with that. 220 00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:02,679 Speaker 1: But she also has been very honest and be like, yo, 221 00:13:02,760 --> 00:13:05,160 Speaker 1: I can do for myself. I don't need no man 222 00:13:05,280 --> 00:13:07,280 Speaker 1: to do anything for me. I got my own money, 223 00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:10,360 Speaker 1: blah blah blah. So when she goes on dates, the 224 00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:13,520 Speaker 1: dudes oftentime will be like, okay, so is this date 225 00:13:13,559 --> 00:13:16,839 Speaker 1: on you? And then she'll get upset and she'd be like, 226 00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:19,040 Speaker 1: I don't know what's wrong with these niggas, Like every 227 00:13:19,040 --> 00:13:21,480 Speaker 1: time we go on the date, they hesitant about the 228 00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:24,960 Speaker 1: wallet because I said, well, hold on, you always lead 229 00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:27,280 Speaker 1: with I can take care of myself. I'm independent, I 230 00:13:27,280 --> 00:13:29,559 Speaker 1: can do what I want. But then you want him 231 00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:32,560 Speaker 1: to pay for everything. That's not gonna work, he said, 232 00:13:32,559 --> 00:13:34,160 Speaker 1: all these niggas, And she's like, all these niggas is 233 00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:35,959 Speaker 1: like that, and I'm like, you keep picking the same 234 00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:39,840 Speaker 1: type of guys and you keep reading with the same approach, 235 00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:42,719 Speaker 1: because some some people might take it as afense. You 236 00:13:42,760 --> 00:13:44,280 Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. Like a woman, for example, like 237 00:13:44,679 --> 00:13:46,440 Speaker 1: she's made it clear that she can take care of herself, 238 00:13:46,440 --> 00:13:48,800 Speaker 1: she can do for herself. So you have a first date, 239 00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:50,160 Speaker 1: or you have a couple of dates in and it's 240 00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:52,080 Speaker 1: just like, oh after even with us, after a couple 241 00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:54,160 Speaker 1: of dates, I was like, yeah, I got it this time, 242 00:13:54,559 --> 00:13:56,199 Speaker 1: you know. And I don't think you were offended in 243 00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:58,560 Speaker 1: that moment. But some women may take offense because they 244 00:13:58,559 --> 00:14:00,960 Speaker 1: feel like, oh, this guy is trying to you know, 245 00:14:01,200 --> 00:14:04,120 Speaker 1: um flexes his muscles, or he's trying to be male 246 00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:06,960 Speaker 1: dominant in this situation, so he wants to pay for it. 247 00:14:07,160 --> 00:14:08,800 Speaker 1: Even think about when you had to hold the door 248 00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:11,240 Speaker 1: for someone one time. You know, it's like you're trying 249 00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:16,400 Speaker 1: to be a gentleman. But if you're not a gentleman. Yes, guys, guys, 250 00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:18,200 Speaker 1: let me tell you what happened. It's it's it's rougher 251 00:14:18,240 --> 00:14:21,560 Speaker 1: here in this world. It's confusing as hell. I'll say 252 00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:23,760 Speaker 1: that it was a group of US men and women. 253 00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:26,560 Speaker 1: I got to the door first, I held the door 254 00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:29,360 Speaker 1: because I got to the door first, some women walked in, 255 00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:31,560 Speaker 1: some men walked in. When it got to her, she 256 00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:33,160 Speaker 1: says to me, I don't got time for your micro 257 00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:37,640 Speaker 1: aggressions today. And I was really like perplex confused. I said, 258 00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:39,720 Speaker 1: excuse me, and she was like, yeah, I don't have 259 00:14:39,760 --> 00:14:41,360 Speaker 1: time for your micro aggressions day. I can get the 260 00:14:41,360 --> 00:14:45,120 Speaker 1: door for myself. So I was like, my bad, Like 261 00:14:45,160 --> 00:14:46,800 Speaker 1: I just I was holding the door for everybody, not 262 00:14:46,880 --> 00:14:48,480 Speaker 1: just you. And she was just like, I've existed in 263 00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:51,680 Speaker 1: the patriarch long enough. I understand when someone is trying 264 00:14:51,720 --> 00:14:54,160 Speaker 1: to set their dominance. So I said, cool, So I 265 00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:57,760 Speaker 1: let the door go right, let's do go. Then we 266 00:14:57,800 --> 00:15:02,080 Speaker 1: were on our way home and I so she's taking 267 00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:04,800 Speaker 1: the train. So they're like, hey, is everybody okay they 268 00:15:04,800 --> 00:15:06,280 Speaker 1: get home blah blah blah blah. Im like, yeah, I 269 00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:07,680 Speaker 1: live in Brooklyn. You know what I'm saying. I'm just 270 00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:10,800 Speaker 1: top on the the what is it, the Western Highway 271 00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:12,800 Speaker 1: at home. She's like, oh, I'm headed that way too. 272 00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:14,520 Speaker 1: I get a ride. I was like, I don't got 273 00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:18,840 Speaker 1: time for your microaggressives today. She was like, what do 274 00:15:18,880 --> 00:15:21,200 Speaker 1: you mean, I said, because of the patriarchy I don't 275 00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:23,320 Speaker 1: want to make you feel like you're not equal to me. 276 00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:26,840 Speaker 1: So I'm gonna take my ride and you can take yours, period, 277 00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:33,080 Speaker 1: so that that uh the train and I'm petty, I 278 00:15:33,080 --> 00:15:34,560 Speaker 1: ain't gonna lie. It was a real petty thing for 279 00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:38,040 Speaker 1: me to do. That was a great moment, but but 280 00:15:38,440 --> 00:15:41,920 Speaker 1: I was still kind of like like upset, but then 281 00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:45,040 Speaker 1: also thinking about if that's her approach to when she 282 00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:49,080 Speaker 1: meets guys. Right, it's till in the very beginning put 283 00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:51,720 Speaker 1: that blindness in, and then when guys approach her with 284 00:15:51,760 --> 00:15:54,200 Speaker 1: the same energy, she's then going to say, all niggas 285 00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:57,800 Speaker 1: ain't ship. But if your approach it's fucked up, your 286 00:15:57,800 --> 00:16:00,400 Speaker 1: responses you get are gonna be fucked up. And I 287 00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:02,720 Speaker 1: think a lot more people need to take inventory to 288 00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:06,000 Speaker 1: their approach and the type of people that they are 289 00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:09,840 Speaker 1: addressing and attracting, because that says a lot about you. 290 00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:13,040 Speaker 1: If the same thing keeps happening to you with every 291 00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:16,760 Speaker 1: single person you date, at some point you gotta say, 292 00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:19,920 Speaker 1: wait a minute, wait a minute. And then if that's 293 00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:22,960 Speaker 1: the case accepted for what it is, Yes, if that's 294 00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:24,840 Speaker 1: just the kind of person that you're pulling each time, 295 00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:27,560 Speaker 1: that just maybe what you're into today. Don't don't call 296 00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:30,440 Speaker 1: me complaining about it either, because that's clearly what you're 297 00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:33,240 Speaker 1: looking for, and that's clearly what you got right. It's facts. 298 00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:36,040 Speaker 1: Could have another homeboy who keeps he's our age, so 299 00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:38,360 Speaker 1: he's in his mid thirties, and he keeps telling me 300 00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:42,400 Speaker 1: single women out here dumb and have nothing going for themselves. Right, 301 00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:47,520 Speaker 1: only women he date between twenty two and now. I'm 302 00:16:47,520 --> 00:16:50,440 Speaker 1: not saying that all five year old dumb and don't 303 00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:52,440 Speaker 1: have anything going for themselves, but I will say this, 304 00:16:52,840 --> 00:16:54,600 Speaker 1: most of the people in the world we see between 305 00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:57,480 Speaker 1: twenty two and twenty five are still trying to discover themselves, 306 00:16:57,520 --> 00:16:59,920 Speaker 1: for sure, you know what I'm saying. And if you're 307 00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:03,120 Speaker 1: your mid thirties and you're only dating that age bracket 308 00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:05,719 Speaker 1: and you're expecting to find someone in that age bracket 309 00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:08,760 Speaker 1: who has everything in the world figured out, you're going 310 00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:11,320 Speaker 1: to be lost because you're never gonna find that. Like 311 00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:14,360 Speaker 1: even the greatest people of all time, we're still struggling 312 00:17:14,359 --> 00:17:17,639 Speaker 1: to find out who they were between twenty two. But 313 00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:21,360 Speaker 1: that's just another example of people making choices and then 314 00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:24,800 Speaker 1: being upset at everyone else because of the choices they make. 315 00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:28,880 Speaker 1: That is so factual. Listen, we gotta just dive into 316 00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:31,160 Speaker 1: just choices in general, right, talk about it. Let's talk 317 00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:33,639 Speaker 1: about choices all right. So, like I said before, choices 318 00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:37,359 Speaker 1: are intentional while mistakes are accidents. Right, And the wisdom 319 00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:39,960 Speaker 1: to know the difference comes from the maturity to admit 320 00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:43,879 Speaker 1: exactly what it is. The choices we make impact our lives, 321 00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:46,119 Speaker 1: whether we admit it or not, and the lives that 322 00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:49,359 Speaker 1: we live or that we want to live, and lives 323 00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:51,800 Speaker 1: the lives that we're happy in. Our choices must reflect 324 00:17:51,840 --> 00:17:53,920 Speaker 1: our true desires. So how do we do that. Let's 325 00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:56,640 Speaker 1: unpack it by asking the first question. Well, let's let's 326 00:17:56,680 --> 00:18:00,240 Speaker 1: unpack that. First, choices are intentional. Mistakes are accidents. Right. 327 00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:02,400 Speaker 1: A lot of people make choices and try to mask 328 00:18:02,440 --> 00:18:09,240 Speaker 1: the mass mistakes. So, for example, um, in relationships, a 329 00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:13,480 Speaker 1: person makes a decision, a choice to step out of 330 00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:17,440 Speaker 1: his relationship, right, makes a decision. When they make the decisions. 331 00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:19,280 Speaker 1: A lot of times if they get caught, the first 332 00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:21,920 Speaker 1: thing they say is it was a mistake. I didn't 333 00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:24,840 Speaker 1: mean to do it. No, that is a choice. You 334 00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:29,159 Speaker 1: decided to do this. The mistake was not doing it 335 00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:34,399 Speaker 1: properly and getting caught that s was not a lotting 336 00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:37,960 Speaker 1: for getting caught, right, But when you made that decision, 337 00:18:38,359 --> 00:18:39,960 Speaker 1: you have to live with the fact that you made 338 00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:42,159 Speaker 1: a choice. So one thing Codeine and I have decided 339 00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:44,080 Speaker 1: to do in our relationship is we always say to 340 00:18:44,119 --> 00:18:46,240 Speaker 1: each other when we make a decision that the other 341 00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:50,240 Speaker 1: person doesn't agree with or isn't in alignment. Without relationship, 342 00:18:50,480 --> 00:18:53,679 Speaker 1: we don't try to get a cop out answer and say, baby, 343 00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:55,480 Speaker 1: it was a mistake. It was like, hey, look this 344 00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:57,280 Speaker 1: is the choice I made, and I made this choice 345 00:18:57,320 --> 00:19:01,080 Speaker 1: for this reason. Right, we're not in alignment because of 346 00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:02,560 Speaker 1: what you want in your life and what I want 347 00:19:02,560 --> 00:19:04,240 Speaker 1: in my life. How can we get in alignment? And 348 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:06,520 Speaker 1: can you live with this choice? Or should we have 349 00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:08,680 Speaker 1: to find something else? And that doesn't always have to 350 00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:10,439 Speaker 1: be with Infidelita, that's good, that could be with anything. 351 00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:13,480 Speaker 1: I could do anything. You know, um, where you're gonna live, 352 00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:15,400 Speaker 1: where you go to school, what time are you going 353 00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:17,600 Speaker 1: to leave a party? You know, which friend do you 354 00:19:17,640 --> 00:19:19,679 Speaker 1: want to hang out with in this week? Or you know. 355 00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:22,160 Speaker 1: It's like there's so many different choices that happen over 356 00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:25,000 Speaker 1: the course of a relationship that will reflect how you 357 00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:27,960 Speaker 1: feel about your partner and the amount of respect you 358 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,680 Speaker 1: have for your partner. Those are all choices. And every 359 00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:32,960 Speaker 1: time you you get caught making a choice that your partner, 360 00:19:33,119 --> 00:19:36,200 Speaker 1: your partner doesn't align with, it's not fair to say 361 00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:38,720 Speaker 1: it was a mistake because it was a choice, right, 362 00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:40,280 Speaker 1: because then this is a mistake, and then there's what 363 00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:43,280 Speaker 1: the apology. And then, for at least with my husband, 364 00:19:43,320 --> 00:19:45,920 Speaker 1: I know who I'm dealing with. You don't take apologies 365 00:19:46,480 --> 00:19:49,520 Speaker 1: just off that you don't agree that you can just 366 00:19:49,560 --> 00:19:51,600 Speaker 1: do something mistake or not and just say oh, I'm 367 00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:55,200 Speaker 1: sorry and this it'll it'll change, um. And also to 368 00:19:55,359 --> 00:19:57,720 Speaker 1: when I think about it. That's why it's important for me, 369 00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:01,480 Speaker 1: like I've said in the past, asked when something happens 370 00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:03,400 Speaker 1: and we're not aligning on it, or is something that 371 00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:05,080 Speaker 1: you wouldn't have done the way I've done, That's why 372 00:20:05,119 --> 00:20:08,360 Speaker 1: I feel like it's important to have the discussion about why. 373 00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:11,120 Speaker 1: And I'm packing that why right, So it's like understanding 374 00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:13,080 Speaker 1: where you come from, but then also saying like damn, 375 00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:16,480 Speaker 1: I have to really sit here and unpack and let 376 00:20:16,520 --> 00:20:19,160 Speaker 1: you know why I arrive at this result or ride 377 00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:21,640 Speaker 1: at this decision. So it's not just passed off as 378 00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:24,360 Speaker 1: just a random choice or as a mistake. Well, that's 379 00:20:24,359 --> 00:20:26,720 Speaker 1: important for me. It is important because I can have 380 00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:31,800 Speaker 1: empathy for a choice. Understand. Don't have to agree. I 381 00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:33,680 Speaker 1: can have empathy for a choice and understand where you're 382 00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:37,960 Speaker 1: coming from. I can forgive a mistake. You see what 383 00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:41,760 Speaker 1: I'm saying. You can't forgive a choice because that's a choice. 384 00:20:41,760 --> 00:20:43,800 Speaker 1: There's nothing to forgive. That person made that choice, and 385 00:20:43,840 --> 00:20:46,200 Speaker 1: you have to make a decision if that choice is 386 00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:49,119 Speaker 1: in alignment with your life. But a mistake you can forgive. 387 00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:52,840 Speaker 1: For example, you leave the house, You leave the house 388 00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:55,199 Speaker 1: all day. You've been going seven eight hours and I 389 00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:57,639 Speaker 1: don't hear from you all day. If you have your 390 00:20:57,680 --> 00:21:00,320 Speaker 1: phone on you and I'm texting you a only you 391 00:21:00,359 --> 00:21:01,800 Speaker 1: and you're not getting back to me, you made a 392 00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:05,080 Speaker 1: choice to ignore me, right. I have to then decide 393 00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:08,359 Speaker 1: if I'm in alignment with that decision. You left your 394 00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:12,399 Speaker 1: phone home. That was a mistake. So I'm texting and 395 00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:16,320 Speaker 1: calling You didn't do anything purposefully, but you left your 396 00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:19,440 Speaker 1: phone home. That's a mistake. There is a vast difference 397 00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:22,600 Speaker 1: between making a choice to not answer a phone and 398 00:21:22,640 --> 00:21:25,720 Speaker 1: then leaving your phone at home. Unless you made a 399 00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:27,800 Speaker 1: choice to leave your phone home. And at that point 400 00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:30,359 Speaker 1: then we're back to well, I wasn't trying to get 401 00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:32,600 Speaker 1: in touch with you, know how, And people need to 402 00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:35,399 Speaker 1: understand the differences between making a choice and making the mistakes. 403 00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:40,400 Speaker 1: That is spot on, my guy. So now shout out 404 00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:44,160 Speaker 1: to because um triuble put these facts and stats up here. 405 00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:46,000 Speaker 1: I love Trouble because Trouble is the one who kind 406 00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:48,119 Speaker 1: of keeps us to make sure we're saying things that 407 00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:51,840 Speaker 1: are not just opinions, right, We're actually giving educated um 408 00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:55,240 Speaker 1: analysis based on facts and stats. So, for example, why 409 00:21:55,240 --> 00:21:58,240 Speaker 1: do smart people make dumb choices? Go ahead, baby, always 410 00:21:58,480 --> 00:22:01,359 Speaker 1: ask this question. It's are people making dumb choices? And 411 00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:03,160 Speaker 1: every now and again you get a dumb person making 412 00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:06,480 Speaker 1: a smart choice either way. Um, Smart people often form 413 00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:08,760 Speaker 1: their opinions based on their beliefs and the beliefs of 414 00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:13,400 Speaker 1: others with whom they share close ties. It's more important 415 00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:15,560 Speaker 1: for them to make decisions that are aligned with their 416 00:22:15,560 --> 00:22:18,800 Speaker 1: community's values then to make rational decisions. Now let's let's 417 00:22:18,840 --> 00:22:23,000 Speaker 1: unpack that. What does that mean? For example, you know, 418 00:22:23,119 --> 00:22:25,879 Speaker 1: for a fact, what's the right thing and what's the 419 00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:30,960 Speaker 1: wrong thing to do? But say you're in a friend group, Well, 420 00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:33,679 Speaker 1: your friends just decide that they just constantly want to 421 00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:37,119 Speaker 1: make poor choices, right. There are a lot of smart 422 00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:41,320 Speaker 1: people who are easily influenced by their friend groups or 423 00:22:41,359 --> 00:22:45,000 Speaker 1: their community because of things like, for example, tradition. Right, 424 00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:47,760 Speaker 1: that's just the way we do things. And even though 425 00:22:47,760 --> 00:22:50,840 Speaker 1: you're a smart person, smart people also realize, like, you know, 426 00:22:50,880 --> 00:22:55,080 Speaker 1: what is it worth me stepping out of my moral 427 00:22:55,119 --> 00:22:59,280 Speaker 1: clause for this purpose just to appease my friends. And 428 00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:02,600 Speaker 1: sometimes of people will be like, yeah, yeah, you know 429 00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:04,639 Speaker 1: what I'm saying, Like I'm only with my friends with 430 00:23:04,720 --> 00:23:06,439 Speaker 1: for this small amount of time. Let's just have a 431 00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:09,480 Speaker 1: good time. That's what it is. Yes, something about to 432 00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:12,280 Speaker 1: sound something you only love one so you know what 433 00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:13,919 Speaker 1: the right thing to do is. But you know what, 434 00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:15,560 Speaker 1: let me just make this decision because I'm having a 435 00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:18,600 Speaker 1: good time. I'm in Vegas, I'm in Miami. There's drinks flowing, like, 436 00:23:18,920 --> 00:23:21,240 Speaker 1: let's just have a good time. So there are times 437 00:23:21,240 --> 00:23:23,720 Speaker 1: with smart people make poor decisions based on influence, right, 438 00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:26,199 Speaker 1: I mean, and the smart decision or the poor choice 439 00:23:26,600 --> 00:23:29,000 Speaker 1: may be at all, well that ends well the type situation, 440 00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:31,680 Speaker 1: and there's no repercussion for that. So in that moment. 441 00:23:31,720 --> 00:23:33,800 Speaker 1: It's just like, hey, we had a great moment. It 442 00:23:33,840 --> 00:23:35,600 Speaker 1: was funny. It's something to talk about later on. But 443 00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:39,560 Speaker 1: will I repeat that moment? Maybe? Maybe not? What does 444 00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:43,400 Speaker 1: it become a repeat offensive situation? I'm glad you brought 445 00:23:43,400 --> 00:23:46,520 Speaker 1: that up, since we're talking about relationships, right, you can't 446 00:23:46,520 --> 00:23:48,800 Speaker 1: really get upset at someone from making a poor choice 447 00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:52,400 Speaker 1: if they thought the choice was in alignment with their 448 00:23:52,480 --> 00:23:55,960 Speaker 1: partner or in alignment with what they want collectively. Exactly. 449 00:23:56,560 --> 00:23:58,840 Speaker 1: You can't get upset though. If someone makes a poor choice, 450 00:23:58,920 --> 00:24:01,240 Speaker 1: you have a discussion, you decided this choice wasn't the 451 00:24:01,280 --> 00:24:04,560 Speaker 1: best choice for your partner or for y'all collectively, But 452 00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:07,520 Speaker 1: then you still continue to make the same choice over 453 00:24:07,560 --> 00:24:10,480 Speaker 1: and over again. That's where it's like, all right, I 454 00:24:10,520 --> 00:24:13,480 Speaker 1: can no longer have empathy. I've already expressed that the 455 00:24:13,560 --> 00:24:15,760 Speaker 1: choice you make isn't in alignment with what I want, 456 00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:19,160 Speaker 1: So I'm going to move differently now when it comes 457 00:24:19,160 --> 00:24:21,760 Speaker 1: to choices. Now, you have a right to make a choice. 458 00:24:22,119 --> 00:24:24,399 Speaker 1: If the person across from you continues to make choices 459 00:24:24,400 --> 00:24:27,000 Speaker 1: that's in alignment for themselves and not for you, you 460 00:24:27,119 --> 00:24:28,640 Speaker 1: then have to make a choice of whether you want 461 00:24:28,640 --> 00:24:30,639 Speaker 1: to stay or not. You can't then put it on 462 00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:33,320 Speaker 1: that person and tell them to stop. You can walk away, 463 00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:35,600 Speaker 1: and if you choose not to walk away, that's on you, 464 00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:37,800 Speaker 1: that's not on them no more, you know what I'm saying. 465 00:24:37,840 --> 00:24:39,800 Speaker 1: That's when you get to the whole. You know, when 466 00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:44,000 Speaker 1: people show you who they really are, believe them, and 467 00:24:44,080 --> 00:24:47,159 Speaker 1: having enough confidence and trust in yourself to believe what 468 00:24:47,240 --> 00:24:49,760 Speaker 1: you see to move what's in the best alignment for yourself. 469 00:24:49,960 --> 00:24:52,120 Speaker 1: A lot of people make poor choices by not doing that. 470 00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:54,080 Speaker 1: I mean, it's the kind of case of your you know, 471 00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:56,920 Speaker 1: female best friend, for example, complaining about the dude that's 472 00:24:56,920 --> 00:25:00,159 Speaker 1: been doing by her all the time. By girl, you know, 473 00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:02,639 Speaker 1: we're gonna keep something the same thing over and over again. 474 00:25:03,040 --> 00:25:06,159 Speaker 1: You're condoning behavior that's in turn maybe allowing him to 475 00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:09,159 Speaker 1: think that this is okay, and you're stinking around for it. 476 00:25:09,240 --> 00:25:11,600 Speaker 1: So why are we complaining. That's a choice that you're making, 477 00:25:11,920 --> 00:25:14,320 Speaker 1: and by you making that choice is enabling him to 478 00:25:14,400 --> 00:25:16,720 Speaker 1: make the choice to continue to treat you that way. 479 00:25:17,040 --> 00:25:20,280 Speaker 1: It's a very vicious cycle, y'all. Very vicious cycle. Alright. 480 00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:24,240 Speaker 1: So moving on to why smart people make dumb choices. 481 00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:26,959 Speaker 1: Second on the list, smart people may think that they 482 00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:31,000 Speaker 1: know things that they really don't know. Over Estimating your 483 00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:34,159 Speaker 1: intelligence can cause you to make choices without first examining 484 00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:38,560 Speaker 1: your knowledge. It's interesting because you always say, what what 485 00:25:38,680 --> 00:25:40,959 Speaker 1: I do know is what I don't know. Is that 486 00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:44,000 Speaker 1: you know what one thing I do know is what 487 00:25:44,080 --> 00:25:46,080 Speaker 1: I don't know? And then I don't know everything. And 488 00:25:46,119 --> 00:25:48,960 Speaker 1: I got that from Confucius or things unsue. I read 489 00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:56,920 Speaker 1: a lot of books about philosophy. Alright, functually, the saying 490 00:25:56,960 --> 00:26:03,240 Speaker 1: I think is a wise man once said nothing. Oh 491 00:26:04,320 --> 00:26:08,080 Speaker 1: yet it right like that, a wise man once said nothing. 492 00:26:08,080 --> 00:26:11,600 Speaker 1: And the thing, um, the lesson behind it is that 493 00:26:11,640 --> 00:26:14,879 Speaker 1: you learn more when you listen, right, when you listen 494 00:26:14,880 --> 00:26:21,440 Speaker 1: and observed, observe, and absorb. Overthinking can cause smart people 495 00:26:21,480 --> 00:26:29,119 Speaker 1: to have choices be made for them that might be met. 496 00:26:29,880 --> 00:26:32,080 Speaker 1: When you think too much, sometimes you may end up 497 00:26:32,119 --> 00:26:34,800 Speaker 1: not even making a decision, forcing someone else or the 498 00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:37,600 Speaker 1: circumstance that you're in to make the decision for you. 499 00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:40,560 Speaker 1: You know, my father drive me nuts with this point. 500 00:26:40,560 --> 00:26:45,639 Speaker 1: You'all okay, my father, Papa, love him the death. We 501 00:26:45,800 --> 00:26:50,960 Speaker 1: will be debating over something very very simple and and simple. 502 00:26:51,200 --> 00:26:53,640 Speaker 1: Nothing can never be really simple in my family sometimes 503 00:26:53,640 --> 00:26:58,240 Speaker 1: like it requires so many steps. For example, we're deciding 504 00:26:58,280 --> 00:27:02,480 Speaker 1: that we want to renovate the kitchen, so it's like, 505 00:27:02,520 --> 00:27:05,359 Speaker 1: all right, everyone's an agreement with that. Right. Then it 506 00:27:05,400 --> 00:27:09,680 Speaker 1: comes down to what color tile we should pick? Right, 507 00:27:10,640 --> 00:27:13,040 Speaker 1: so you'll have three or four or five tow choices. 508 00:27:13,040 --> 00:27:15,040 Speaker 1: We narrow it down to two with very little input 509 00:27:15,080 --> 00:27:17,640 Speaker 1: from him. Now we're at the two right top two. 510 00:27:18,160 --> 00:27:21,840 Speaker 1: Time to pick a tie. I don't really know which one. 511 00:27:21,920 --> 00:27:23,560 Speaker 1: You know, both of them can work or none of 512 00:27:23,560 --> 00:27:25,560 Speaker 1: them can work. But like, all right, bro, what does 513 00:27:25,560 --> 00:27:27,640 Speaker 1: that even mean? Both can work or none can work? Fine? 514 00:27:27,920 --> 00:27:29,680 Speaker 1: So what we'll do? My mom, my brother, and my 515 00:27:29,720 --> 00:27:31,480 Speaker 1: sister and I will be like, you know what, Hey, 516 00:27:31,840 --> 00:27:33,320 Speaker 1: there are two shades of gray here. We're gonna go 517 00:27:33,359 --> 00:27:36,680 Speaker 1: with the lighter shade of gray. So we'll make the decision. Right, 518 00:27:37,840 --> 00:27:40,679 Speaker 1: We'll put down the light gray tie, pay for it 519 00:27:40,720 --> 00:27:43,000 Speaker 1: to get done, all that good stuff. We stand back, 520 00:27:43,359 --> 00:27:46,560 Speaker 1: we're admiring the place. Everyone's kind of excited about this 521 00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:49,679 Speaker 1: brand new, like great tie we got. And then what 522 00:27:49,800 --> 00:27:52,520 Speaker 1: is my father say? Man? You know, if it was 523 00:27:52,600 --> 00:27:54,199 Speaker 1: me I able to go the dark one, you know, 524 00:27:56,880 --> 00:28:00,119 Speaker 1: and everybody wants to strangle him, because it's like, bro, oh, 525 00:28:01,040 --> 00:28:04,200 Speaker 1: you're sitting over here overthinking this situation or not even 526 00:28:04,240 --> 00:28:06,359 Speaker 1: thinking about it at all, because we're not even sure 527 00:28:06,359 --> 00:28:08,480 Speaker 1: half the time what it is. But then when somebody 528 00:28:08,520 --> 00:28:12,320 Speaker 1: makes a decision and makes a choice, you then will 529 00:28:12,359 --> 00:28:14,920 Speaker 1: combat that by not saying, you know what, guys, I'm 530 00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:17,320 Speaker 1: glad y'all took that responsibility away for me. You did 531 00:28:17,359 --> 00:28:18,960 Speaker 1: a good job because you know I could live with 532 00:28:19,000 --> 00:28:22,159 Speaker 1: this light great tyler looks good. It's I would have 533 00:28:22,200 --> 00:28:23,840 Speaker 1: went with the other one. But let me tell you 534 00:28:24,240 --> 00:28:27,200 Speaker 1: where that comes from. Right, A lot of people don't 535 00:28:27,200 --> 00:28:28,760 Speaker 1: really want to make choices. You want to know why. 536 00:28:28,800 --> 00:28:31,800 Speaker 1: They don't want to be accountability for it there. But 537 00:28:31,800 --> 00:28:33,520 Speaker 1: but you know what happens when they don't make the choice. 538 00:28:33,960 --> 00:28:36,520 Speaker 1: They don't mind pointing out all of the flaws with 539 00:28:36,560 --> 00:28:40,560 Speaker 1: the choice you made. People in relationships. So it's just 540 00:28:40,600 --> 00:28:42,120 Speaker 1: like you're not going to say left or right, but 541 00:28:42,160 --> 00:28:43,920 Speaker 1: if we go right in this traffic, you know I 542 00:28:43,920 --> 00:28:46,719 Speaker 1: should I knew we should have warn left. People do 543 00:28:46,760 --> 00:28:49,520 Speaker 1: that gears like a person that I should have could 544 00:28:49,520 --> 00:28:51,280 Speaker 1: have with a person you know what I call them? 545 00:28:51,400 --> 00:28:54,240 Speaker 1: What backseat drivers? There are a lot of back seat 546 00:28:54,320 --> 00:28:57,360 Speaker 1: drivers in right, and this is, this is, and this, 547 00:28:57,360 --> 00:29:01,200 Speaker 1: This analogy works for any type of relationship. Right. Backseat 548 00:29:01,240 --> 00:29:03,720 Speaker 1: drivers like to sit in the back because it's safe 549 00:29:03,760 --> 00:29:06,280 Speaker 1: back there. Right, there's no button suppressed, you don't have 550 00:29:06,320 --> 00:29:08,040 Speaker 1: to handle the ox cord. If you're on the front, 551 00:29:08,320 --> 00:29:10,720 Speaker 1: you're saying, you don't gotta drive, you don't gotta turn 552 00:29:10,840 --> 00:29:12,680 Speaker 1: right or left, you don't gotta decide where we're going. 553 00:29:12,760 --> 00:29:15,120 Speaker 1: You can just sit in the back and enjoy the atmosphere. 554 00:29:15,280 --> 00:29:16,680 Speaker 1: But you know what those people do when they sit 555 00:29:16,720 --> 00:29:19,880 Speaker 1: back in the atmosphere, complain about every choice to people 556 00:29:19,920 --> 00:29:22,080 Speaker 1: in the front. Mate. And the truth of the matter 557 00:29:22,200 --> 00:29:24,960 Speaker 1: is there are a lot of backseat drivers letting life 558 00:29:25,040 --> 00:29:27,280 Speaker 1: happen to them, right. You see how it's said it here. 559 00:29:27,320 --> 00:29:29,120 Speaker 1: A lot of times when you don't make a choice, 560 00:29:29,360 --> 00:29:31,880 Speaker 1: you allow the circumstance to make a choice for you. 561 00:29:32,080 --> 00:29:34,360 Speaker 1: And when you allow the circumstance to make a choice 562 00:29:34,400 --> 00:29:37,640 Speaker 1: for you, then you complain about everything that's happened. All 563 00:29:37,720 --> 00:29:39,960 Speaker 1: my life is messed up, Oh woe is me? You 564 00:29:39,960 --> 00:29:41,800 Speaker 1: want to know why you never want to get in 565 00:29:41,800 --> 00:29:44,680 Speaker 1: the front and grab the wheel and be the person 566 00:29:44,760 --> 00:29:47,479 Speaker 1: to make the choice, because once you make that choice, 567 00:29:47,840 --> 00:29:50,120 Speaker 1: you have to be accountable. That's true. I might even 568 00:29:50,120 --> 00:29:52,160 Speaker 1: fall in this category, quiet as it's kept you all 569 00:29:52,200 --> 00:29:55,160 Speaker 1: because what we're about on this podcast owning up to 570 00:29:55,200 --> 00:29:59,960 Speaker 1: stuff and accountability and speaking responsibility and I too. Really 571 00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:06,200 Speaker 1: that's how sometimes me procrastinating with things I've gotten better, 572 00:30:04,120 --> 00:30:08,600 Speaker 1: will be procrastinating with things I can see how it 573 00:30:08,640 --> 00:30:11,240 Speaker 1: is then allowing a circumstance to happen to me or 574 00:30:11,720 --> 00:30:15,480 Speaker 1: will leave me or particular parties involved scrambling in the 575 00:30:15,600 --> 00:30:19,240 Speaker 1: end and causing major stress and major issues to get 576 00:30:19,280 --> 00:30:22,400 Speaker 1: something done. There's there's nothing there's nothing wrong with sometimes 577 00:30:22,600 --> 00:30:26,040 Speaker 1: being a backseat driver in a certain situation, if you 578 00:30:26,080 --> 00:30:28,760 Speaker 1: don't mind supporting the driver when they made the decision, 579 00:30:29,200 --> 00:30:31,760 Speaker 1: for example, right. One thing I will say about you, 580 00:30:31,760 --> 00:30:33,440 Speaker 1: you don't like to make a decision a lot of 581 00:30:33,440 --> 00:30:35,480 Speaker 1: the times every time we come to we pick right. 582 00:30:35,800 --> 00:30:39,320 Speaker 1: But once I say we go in this direction, you'll 583 00:30:39,360 --> 00:30:42,560 Speaker 1: be like, all right, fact, this is the direction we're going, 584 00:30:42,640 --> 00:30:45,120 Speaker 1: Like okay, babe, how are we getting there? What direction 585 00:30:45,160 --> 00:30:47,800 Speaker 1: we gotta go? What what color tiles are we going 586 00:30:47,840 --> 00:30:50,080 Speaker 1: to use in the direction that we take? And the 587 00:30:50,080 --> 00:30:52,600 Speaker 1: thing is, I learned to reciprocate that because I'm a 588 00:30:52,640 --> 00:30:55,560 Speaker 1: control freak, right, I love to be in a driver's seat. 589 00:30:55,880 --> 00:30:57,680 Speaker 1: But what I've learned to do is, and I think 590 00:30:57,680 --> 00:31:00,520 Speaker 1: it's important for people in relationships to hear. When you 591 00:31:00,640 --> 00:31:03,200 Speaker 1: decide to be in the back seat and let someone drive, right, 592 00:31:03,240 --> 00:31:05,800 Speaker 1: you now have a responsibility since you put that person 593 00:31:05,840 --> 00:31:09,200 Speaker 1: in position to make a choice, is to be supportive 594 00:31:09,240 --> 00:31:11,640 Speaker 1: of whatever choice they make, unless it's going to be 595 00:31:11,680 --> 00:31:15,480 Speaker 1: a detriment to you them or you or them. Why 596 00:31:15,520 --> 00:31:19,800 Speaker 1: because y'all all headed to the same direction exactly. So 597 00:31:19,800 --> 00:31:21,680 Speaker 1: if you're going to be a back seat driver, which 598 00:31:21,720 --> 00:31:23,280 Speaker 1: I really like to call it a back seat driver 599 00:31:23,320 --> 00:31:24,440 Speaker 1: at this point, but if you're going to be a 600 00:31:24,560 --> 00:31:27,480 Speaker 1: navigator in that sense and not sitting the front the 601 00:31:28,000 --> 00:31:32,760 Speaker 1: co pilot, everybody can't drive. It's okay if you don't 602 00:31:32,760 --> 00:31:34,760 Speaker 1: want to make a decision right, let me copilot, right, 603 00:31:34,960 --> 00:31:37,840 Speaker 1: let me cope. That's a better but co pilot to 604 00:31:38,000 --> 00:31:39,840 Speaker 1: the person who you know is gonna drive you safely. 605 00:31:40,360 --> 00:31:43,520 Speaker 1: The person who might have passed driver said on the 606 00:31:43,560 --> 00:31:45,920 Speaker 1: highway before you know what I'm saying, who got a 607 00:31:45,920 --> 00:31:48,920 Speaker 1: good night's rest, who didn't have a drink before he 608 00:31:48,960 --> 00:31:51,360 Speaker 1: sat down? And she sat down behind the wheel. So 609 00:31:51,440 --> 00:31:55,040 Speaker 1: that comes with a layer of choice making. Choice making 610 00:31:55,120 --> 00:31:57,600 Speaker 1: to the side, is this wise for me to even 611 00:31:57,640 --> 00:32:00,600 Speaker 1: embark on this journey with this person? That's the key. 612 00:32:00,680 --> 00:32:03,080 Speaker 1: What you just said right there is the key. If 613 00:32:03,120 --> 00:32:06,920 Speaker 1: you don't feel comfortable driving the car, make sure you 614 00:32:07,040 --> 00:32:09,880 Speaker 1: use discernment with who you're gonna let drive you around. 615 00:32:11,000 --> 00:32:12,880 Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. At some point in life, 616 00:32:13,000 --> 00:32:16,000 Speaker 1: you have to make a decision. You can't sit back 617 00:32:16,160 --> 00:32:19,320 Speaker 1: and just say the universe is plotting against me. If 618 00:32:19,560 --> 00:32:24,440 Speaker 1: the only way you're going to be successful in life, marriage, business, 619 00:32:24,920 --> 00:32:28,480 Speaker 1: as a parent is if you make decisions and live 620 00:32:28,560 --> 00:32:31,360 Speaker 1: and own up to whatever consequences come with the decisions 621 00:32:31,360 --> 00:32:33,520 Speaker 1: you make. Because there are no losses in life, there 622 00:32:33,520 --> 00:32:35,880 Speaker 1: only lessons. So if there's a little bit traffic on 623 00:32:35,920 --> 00:32:38,680 Speaker 1: that road you took, you can pivot find another road. 624 00:32:39,160 --> 00:32:42,440 Speaker 1: But as long as the road don't end right and 625 00:32:42,440 --> 00:32:45,280 Speaker 1: be okay, we're getting lost together, yes, you know, getting 626 00:32:45,320 --> 00:32:48,040 Speaker 1: lost together and figuring it out. Some of the best 627 00:32:48,040 --> 00:32:51,320 Speaker 1: times we had in life we were both lost because 628 00:32:52,000 --> 00:32:54,760 Speaker 1: we didn't know exactly what decision was the right decision. 629 00:32:55,120 --> 00:32:57,320 Speaker 1: So it's like, let's just make a decision and now 630 00:32:57,360 --> 00:33:00,640 Speaker 1: we're here and we had each other. Now we're here. 631 00:33:00,640 --> 00:33:02,960 Speaker 1: It's not easier to to kind of feel like you're 632 00:33:02,960 --> 00:33:05,680 Speaker 1: empowered to make a decision or not when you have 633 00:33:05,720 --> 00:33:07,560 Speaker 1: a support system that's going to be there for you 634 00:33:07,640 --> 00:33:10,160 Speaker 1: regardless too. You know, I can imagine how scary it 635 00:33:10,240 --> 00:33:12,560 Speaker 1: is as a single or as somebody who doesn't have 636 00:33:12,600 --> 00:33:15,040 Speaker 1: a support system to say, damn, this could be a 637 00:33:15,640 --> 00:33:18,560 Speaker 1: make me or break new situation decision and I don't 638 00:33:18,560 --> 00:33:21,240 Speaker 1: know which we should go. I gotta say this as 639 00:33:21,280 --> 00:33:23,480 Speaker 1: a as a man who feels like I'm the leader 640 00:33:23,520 --> 00:33:26,840 Speaker 1: of my household. Right I feel confident in the decisions 641 00:33:26,920 --> 00:33:29,680 Speaker 1: I make because I know that regardless of whether I'm 642 00:33:29,720 --> 00:33:32,800 Speaker 1: lost or not, I have a co pilot who's gonna 643 00:33:32,840 --> 00:33:35,880 Speaker 1: be there to support me regardless. I've been able to 644 00:33:35,960 --> 00:33:40,640 Speaker 1: make decisions, make mistakes, you know, because sometimes when you 645 00:33:40,680 --> 00:33:42,640 Speaker 1: make a decision and you don't have control over everything, 646 00:33:43,240 --> 00:33:45,479 Speaker 1: or make poor decisions and always felt like you were 647 00:33:45,480 --> 00:33:48,320 Speaker 1: going to be there. I think it's important for people 648 00:33:48,320 --> 00:33:50,640 Speaker 1: who are listening to this podcast, who are in relationships 649 00:33:50,640 --> 00:33:53,080 Speaker 1: to understand what that looks like. When I walk out 650 00:33:53,120 --> 00:33:55,920 Speaker 1: in the world, I never walk out alone because I 651 00:33:55,920 --> 00:33:58,440 Speaker 1: know I got somebody with me. So for example, when 652 00:33:58,440 --> 00:34:02,520 Speaker 1: they came time to the property in Michigan and and no, 653 00:34:03,120 --> 00:34:05,640 Speaker 1: rent out the property in Michigan and moved back to Brooklyn. 654 00:34:06,720 --> 00:34:11,799 Speaker 1: This is a decision. Was sold and sure about the decision. No, 655 00:34:12,239 --> 00:34:14,480 Speaker 1: But I said, I have to make a decision, and 656 00:34:14,520 --> 00:34:17,279 Speaker 1: I have somebody with me who's gonna rock with me 657 00:34:17,640 --> 00:34:21,680 Speaker 1: regardless of what this decision looks like. So when I 658 00:34:21,760 --> 00:34:24,520 Speaker 1: made the decision to run out the property, move back, 659 00:34:24,840 --> 00:34:27,880 Speaker 1: spend the money on the wedding, because ultimately, yes, I 660 00:34:27,920 --> 00:34:29,960 Speaker 1: asked you what you thought, but it was ultimately up 661 00:34:30,040 --> 00:34:34,400 Speaker 1: to me and I made those decisions. Hindsight, we were 662 00:34:34,480 --> 00:34:36,319 Speaker 1: lost after that. We should have used that money a 663 00:34:36,360 --> 00:34:38,719 Speaker 1: better way. But what did we do. We had each 664 00:34:38,719 --> 00:34:43,360 Speaker 1: other's back the whole time and never once blamed the other. No, no, 665 00:34:43,560 --> 00:34:49,080 Speaker 1: whatever situation we were in now we were circumstances. Never 666 00:34:49,080 --> 00:34:51,520 Speaker 1: there was never one person to blame, because I always knew, 667 00:34:51,520 --> 00:34:53,359 Speaker 1: if anything, your heart was in the right place, if 668 00:34:53,400 --> 00:34:55,040 Speaker 1: you were trying to make a decision, you weren't gonna, 669 00:34:55,719 --> 00:34:58,600 Speaker 1: you know, purposefully bring us into you know, life of 670 00:34:59,120 --> 00:35:02,160 Speaker 1: you know, broke dumb and ship. But it happens the 671 00:35:02,280 --> 00:35:04,399 Speaker 1: life of broke them and you're telling the truth. Because 672 00:35:04,440 --> 00:35:05,960 Speaker 1: on our wedding veils when they said for rich Or 673 00:35:05,960 --> 00:35:08,800 Speaker 1: poor I said rich Or Richard because I never intended 674 00:35:08,800 --> 00:35:10,360 Speaker 1: for us to ever be in a space where I 675 00:35:10,360 --> 00:35:13,840 Speaker 1: couldn't provide. And even though we weren't rich in those moments, 676 00:35:13,840 --> 00:35:16,480 Speaker 1: you were still right there. And that also goes back 677 00:35:16,480 --> 00:35:20,359 Speaker 1: to choices. Right when you make a choice you got, 678 00:35:20,800 --> 00:35:22,480 Speaker 1: they're gonna be moments where you're gonna look at your 679 00:35:22,520 --> 00:35:25,279 Speaker 1: partner and you're gonna be like, you're the reason I'm 680 00:35:25,320 --> 00:35:28,760 Speaker 1: in this motherfuone, right because and you've had those moments. 681 00:35:28,880 --> 00:35:31,319 Speaker 1: I've had those moments right when you start the self 682 00:35:31,360 --> 00:35:33,680 Speaker 1: loathing and you start the blame game. So when you're 683 00:35:33,680 --> 00:35:35,760 Speaker 1: in a relationship and you get to that blame game 684 00:35:35,920 --> 00:35:38,360 Speaker 1: portion of it, that's normal because K and I have 685 00:35:38,440 --> 00:35:40,319 Speaker 1: been there. We're not gonna lie and sit here and 686 00:35:40,360 --> 00:35:42,200 Speaker 1: be like the whole time we were Hunky Dorry. Come on, 687 00:35:42,640 --> 00:35:46,480 Speaker 1: come on, Kdelan, your choices, choric choices, your choice. No, 688 00:35:46,600 --> 00:35:48,239 Speaker 1: there was a lot of times he was like the 689 00:35:48,280 --> 00:35:52,960 Speaker 1: fun like, when right mind does that? Why would that? 690 00:35:53,120 --> 00:35:55,160 Speaker 1: It was a mistake that I sliped the credit card 691 00:35:55,239 --> 00:35:57,440 Speaker 1: and I just don't know what to keep happening. So 692 00:35:57,520 --> 00:35:59,600 Speaker 1: the story keeps sliping the card and I don't know 693 00:35:59,600 --> 00:36:02,400 Speaker 1: how to He's a mistake. He tripped and fell on 694 00:36:02,440 --> 00:36:04,560 Speaker 1: the card. The card reader now is the tap joint 695 00:36:04,560 --> 00:36:07,720 Speaker 1: and making that much easier for you. Fall forward, tap charge, 696 00:36:08,520 --> 00:36:11,160 Speaker 1: Ladies and gentlemen, Ladies and gentlemen. This was our life 697 00:36:11,200 --> 00:36:13,799 Speaker 1: and in our mid twenties we made a lot of 698 00:36:13,960 --> 00:36:17,600 Speaker 1: poor decisions and choices. We definitely did. But we have 699 00:36:17,719 --> 00:36:20,320 Speaker 1: fun climbing out that bitch though, because we put ourselves 700 00:36:20,320 --> 00:36:22,080 Speaker 1: in a lot of holes. Though, Like I can laugh 701 00:36:22,080 --> 00:36:24,640 Speaker 1: about it now, you know, but during the time, and 702 00:36:24,680 --> 00:36:26,759 Speaker 1: it wasn't funny. It was not funny at all. Listen, 703 00:36:26,800 --> 00:36:29,520 Speaker 1: we've ready to keep each other. When smart people don't 704 00:36:29,560 --> 00:36:32,200 Speaker 1: have the resources or support to feel the privilege in 705 00:36:32,320 --> 00:36:37,040 Speaker 1: making choices, they often are too tired, frustrated, or apathetic 706 00:36:37,360 --> 00:36:41,120 Speaker 1: about making choices. I think that's what we just covered 707 00:36:41,160 --> 00:36:43,799 Speaker 1: that as far as wanting to be able to make 708 00:36:43,800 --> 00:36:46,360 Speaker 1: the choice, but just don't just fatigued, because life is 709 00:36:46,360 --> 00:36:47,719 Speaker 1: all about choice. Every day. I gotta do this, I 710 00:36:47,719 --> 00:36:49,200 Speaker 1: gotta do that, I gotta go here. What time I'm 711 00:36:49,280 --> 00:36:51,200 Speaker 1: gonna go? When are we going to play this? After 712 00:36:51,239 --> 00:36:52,600 Speaker 1: a while, It's like, I don't even want to make 713 00:36:52,600 --> 00:36:55,360 Speaker 1: these choices anymore. You know which, which choice for me 714 00:36:55,520 --> 00:36:58,319 Speaker 1: kind of just falls under this category. I guess, um 715 00:36:58,400 --> 00:37:02,359 Speaker 1: that has become very very munchy Jane and daunting. What's 716 00:37:02,360 --> 00:37:07,160 Speaker 1: for dinner? What's for dinner? What you want for dinner? 717 00:37:07,239 --> 00:37:10,439 Speaker 1: Nobody ever knows what they want for dinner. That ship 718 00:37:10,480 --> 00:37:12,600 Speaker 1: is annoying. Make a choice, tell me, give me options 719 00:37:12,640 --> 00:37:14,520 Speaker 1: the kids knowing what they want. You just don't like 720 00:37:14,560 --> 00:37:17,240 Speaker 1: the choice. They say, chicken fingers and frogs or pizza. 721 00:37:17,320 --> 00:37:19,399 Speaker 1: It's not gonna fly every day. It's just not. It's 722 00:37:19,440 --> 00:37:21,880 Speaker 1: just not. But what's wrong with chicken fingers and frouds 723 00:37:21,920 --> 00:37:25,680 Speaker 1: every day? No, you need variety in your life. Yeah, 724 00:37:25,840 --> 00:37:27,600 Speaker 1: you need some vegetables, you need some of the food 725 00:37:27,600 --> 00:37:30,840 Speaker 1: groups in there. It's not not an option. And lastly, 726 00:37:30,880 --> 00:37:34,800 Speaker 1: smart people come from different backgrounds and experiences. Your history 727 00:37:34,960 --> 00:37:37,839 Speaker 1: informs the choices that you make in the present. Being 728 00:37:37,880 --> 00:37:42,640 Speaker 1: better choice, making better choices sometimes requires that you first 729 00:37:42,640 --> 00:37:45,400 Speaker 1: face your past and heal from the things that have 730 00:37:45,520 --> 00:37:49,239 Speaker 1: hurt you. That's the biggest one. Yeah, that's the biggest one. Um, 731 00:37:49,360 --> 00:37:52,320 Speaker 1: Codeine and I have been trying to spend the last 732 00:37:52,360 --> 00:37:55,920 Speaker 1: couple of years peeling back the layers of who we 733 00:37:55,960 --> 00:38:00,520 Speaker 1: are based on where we came from, and we've realized, 734 00:38:00,600 --> 00:38:04,400 Speaker 1: for example, I like to make choices and being controlled 735 00:38:04,440 --> 00:38:07,759 Speaker 1: because I hate that feeling of not knowing. Being in 736 00:38:07,800 --> 00:38:12,800 Speaker 1: the NFL and having my livelihood taken from me without 737 00:38:12,840 --> 00:38:16,840 Speaker 1: any like valuable explanation other than they just want to 738 00:38:16,880 --> 00:38:19,799 Speaker 1: go a different direction. Made me feel like I was 739 00:38:20,840 --> 00:38:23,719 Speaker 1: in the ocean with no life raft. You know, there 740 00:38:23,800 --> 00:38:25,799 Speaker 1: was just so many variables I couldn't control, and now 741 00:38:25,880 --> 00:38:29,200 Speaker 1: I'm stuck out here and I'm treading water. But when 742 00:38:29,239 --> 00:38:32,000 Speaker 1: you're when you're treading water in the ocean and you 743 00:38:32,040 --> 00:38:33,640 Speaker 1: can't see where the land is, you don't even know 744 00:38:33,680 --> 00:38:36,879 Speaker 1: what direction to swim. And when I first got cut 745 00:38:36,880 --> 00:38:39,279 Speaker 1: from the NFL, not knowing what my second career plan 746 00:38:39,680 --> 00:38:42,560 Speaker 1: plan was at the moment and trying to figure out, well, 747 00:38:42,600 --> 00:38:43,840 Speaker 1: I know I want to act, but I don't know 748 00:38:43,840 --> 00:38:46,400 Speaker 1: how to get there. To me, that felt like I 749 00:38:46,480 --> 00:38:47,880 Speaker 1: know I want to get back to land, but I 750 00:38:47,960 --> 00:38:50,080 Speaker 1: don't know which direction the land is, and if I 751 00:38:50,080 --> 00:38:52,440 Speaker 1: start swimming, I could be swimming in the wrong direction, 752 00:38:53,280 --> 00:38:55,840 Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. And a lot of times 753 00:38:55,840 --> 00:38:59,799 Speaker 1: for people When you get to that point, it's like 754 00:39:00,560 --> 00:39:03,920 Speaker 1: do I just drown or do I just pick a 755 00:39:04,040 --> 00:39:09,680 Speaker 1: place and start swimming the hope that I am going 756 00:39:09,719 --> 00:39:15,160 Speaker 1: to tell everyone you have to start swimming, because this 757 00:39:15,200 --> 00:39:17,719 Speaker 1: is one thing I do know about water. There's land 758 00:39:17,760 --> 00:39:20,560 Speaker 1: all around it. So if you swim long enough and 759 00:39:20,640 --> 00:39:25,040 Speaker 1: you have much more determination then the waves, you will 760 00:39:25,080 --> 00:39:28,480 Speaker 1: find your way back to land. And also you have 761 00:39:28,520 --> 00:39:30,960 Speaker 1: to learn how to be peaceful and be still. You 762 00:39:30,960 --> 00:39:32,799 Speaker 1: know how the Bible says be still? You know why 763 00:39:32,800 --> 00:39:35,920 Speaker 1: the Bible says to be still? Think about that same analogy. Right, 764 00:39:36,440 --> 00:39:39,120 Speaker 1: be still, Let the universe take control. Right, let Jesus 765 00:39:39,200 --> 00:39:41,600 Speaker 1: take the wheel. If you're out in the ocean and 766 00:39:41,640 --> 00:39:43,520 Speaker 1: you just lay still on your back and you tread water, 767 00:39:43,600 --> 00:39:47,400 Speaker 1: the current will ultimately take you to land if you 768 00:39:47,440 --> 00:39:51,160 Speaker 1: allow it. Sometimes, when you're so hardheaded about your choices 769 00:39:51,160 --> 00:39:54,880 Speaker 1: and you just keep fighting fighting against the current, if 770 00:39:54,920 --> 00:39:57,360 Speaker 1: you don't know where you're going, sometimes it's okay to 771 00:39:57,400 --> 00:39:59,800 Speaker 1: be still and let God take over. Let go and 772 00:39:59,880 --> 00:40:02,480 Speaker 1: let God. And I just want people to if you're 773 00:40:02,520 --> 00:40:04,640 Speaker 1: listening to this, when it comes to choices, if you 774 00:40:04,680 --> 00:40:06,759 Speaker 1: don't know, sometimes let go on that guy. You know 775 00:40:06,880 --> 00:40:09,320 Speaker 1: that's amazing and not to laugh at your epic moment 776 00:40:09,320 --> 00:40:12,400 Speaker 1: that you just made right there. I am envisioning. I 777 00:40:15,200 --> 00:40:17,200 Speaker 1: knew it. I knew he was gonna bring up that 778 00:40:17,200 --> 00:40:18,959 Speaker 1: store here. I am trying to have a serious moment 779 00:40:18,960 --> 00:40:22,480 Speaker 1: with the people you're gonna bring up Almost this was amazing, Devil, 780 00:40:22,520 --> 00:40:24,160 Speaker 1: and it was a great way for you to tie 781 00:40:24,160 --> 00:40:25,719 Speaker 1: that in and wrap it all up and put a 782 00:40:25,760 --> 00:40:28,120 Speaker 1: bow on top of it. Almost died. You're making jokes, 783 00:40:28,320 --> 00:40:32,040 Speaker 1: but devout y'all. When we were on our first trip 784 00:40:32,600 --> 00:40:35,000 Speaker 1: together away out of the country, we went to Jamaica, 785 00:40:35,200 --> 00:40:37,719 Speaker 1: I took him back yard row all right. We were 786 00:40:37,760 --> 00:40:40,080 Speaker 1: in the grill, went to real and we were on 787 00:40:40,120 --> 00:40:43,120 Speaker 1: the coast, you know, got into a little glass was 788 00:40:43,160 --> 00:40:50,840 Speaker 1: a glass bottom bom bottom PTSD from this just you know, 789 00:40:50,960 --> 00:40:53,200 Speaker 1: along the coast, and the driver was like, you know what, 790 00:40:53,200 --> 00:40:55,120 Speaker 1: I'm gonna take you guys to Rick's Cafe. Man, you 791 00:40:55,160 --> 00:40:56,480 Speaker 1: can go and you can jump off the cliff and 792 00:40:56,520 --> 00:40:59,240 Speaker 1: all kind of stuff. So we were like, oh, that's interesting, 793 00:40:59,320 --> 00:41:02,120 Speaker 1: sounds good talking to Nobody said that. It was us 794 00:41:02,160 --> 00:41:06,719 Speaker 1: with like two other couples at the time of strange couples. 795 00:41:06,800 --> 00:41:12,759 Speaker 1: We were in the boat with two other white couples. Okay, now, no, 796 00:41:12,920 --> 00:41:16,439 Speaker 1: that is important. It's important because white people do white 797 00:41:16,440 --> 00:41:19,239 Speaker 1: people ship, right, Like, if you're Asafar, you know what 798 00:41:19,280 --> 00:41:20,759 Speaker 1: the white people are gonna do. They're gonna jump out 799 00:41:20,760 --> 00:41:23,440 Speaker 1: the truck, go try to pet the lion ship. We're 800 00:41:23,480 --> 00:41:25,200 Speaker 1: gonna keep out black asses in the truck. I like 801 00:41:25,239 --> 00:41:27,640 Speaker 1: it from here, I'll take pictures in video. Right, So 802 00:41:27,800 --> 00:41:30,680 Speaker 1: I had no I had nothing in me. Wanted to 803 00:41:30,719 --> 00:41:33,399 Speaker 1: get out this damn boat. But again, why do smart 804 00:41:33,440 --> 00:41:36,799 Speaker 1: people make dumb choices? Because they bringing it back to exactly, 805 00:41:37,040 --> 00:41:40,440 Speaker 1: bringing it back to point number one? Okay, aligned with 806 00:41:40,480 --> 00:41:45,560 Speaker 1: their curt community values and the influence of being around 807 00:41:45,560 --> 00:41:50,640 Speaker 1: other people. I can't believe the window so devot proceeds, y'all. 808 00:41:51,440 --> 00:41:54,920 Speaker 1: I was peer pressured. I was peer pressured. All right. 809 00:41:55,000 --> 00:41:57,600 Speaker 1: We were twenty two years old. Both couples are a 810 00:41:57,600 --> 00:42:00,920 Speaker 1: little bit older, and I was in the best shape 811 00:42:00,960 --> 00:42:03,439 Speaker 1: of all of the men there. And we were doing 812 00:42:03,440 --> 00:42:05,279 Speaker 1: the glass bottom boat and then we get off to 813 00:42:05,320 --> 00:42:07,680 Speaker 1: do snorkeling, and I put the life vessel on the 814 00:42:07,760 --> 00:42:09,680 Speaker 1: do snorkeling, right, And they were making fun of me 815 00:42:10,000 --> 00:42:12,040 Speaker 1: because I had on a life vessel, right, They were 816 00:42:12,080 --> 00:42:18,640 Speaker 1: like this big NFL every yeah, every day was making 817 00:42:18,640 --> 00:42:20,760 Speaker 1: all sorts of jokes, and it's saying bro and laughing 818 00:42:20,760 --> 00:42:23,480 Speaker 1: and calling me brown ships. I was getting pissed right. So, 819 00:42:23,600 --> 00:42:27,200 Speaker 1: and while we pull up to Ricks Cafe, the kids 820 00:42:27,200 --> 00:42:29,440 Speaker 1: were jumping off of Rick's Cafe and swimming up to 821 00:42:29,480 --> 00:42:31,560 Speaker 1: the boat for tips. So I see all of these 822 00:42:31,560 --> 00:42:33,440 Speaker 1: young kids jumping off the boat and swimming to the 823 00:42:33,440 --> 00:42:36,000 Speaker 1: boat or whatever. And then one of the guys just, man, 824 00:42:36,080 --> 00:42:37,960 Speaker 1: we need to go jump off, right, And my first 825 00:42:38,200 --> 00:42:40,640 Speaker 1: instinct is to be like, hell, no, I'm jumping off 826 00:42:40,680 --> 00:42:44,040 Speaker 1: that cliff or getting out this boat. Right. Dude was 827 00:42:44,080 --> 00:42:50,000 Speaker 1: smoking a cigarette. The other dude was smoking a cigarette. Yeah, yeah, yeah, 828 00:42:50,080 --> 00:42:53,200 Speaker 1: let's go. They both jump in the water and start 829 00:42:53,280 --> 00:42:58,520 Speaker 1: swimming to Risk Cafe. Now at this point, look back 830 00:42:59,200 --> 00:43:02,200 Speaker 1: and the only guy in the boat. It's me. I 831 00:43:02,280 --> 00:43:04,719 Speaker 1: can't be the only guy still on the boat, listen. 832 00:43:04,719 --> 00:43:06,360 Speaker 1: I was content with you being there because I had 833 00:43:06,440 --> 00:43:07,920 Speaker 1: that one thing to prove to these people because we 834 00:43:07,960 --> 00:43:11,000 Speaker 1: didn't see him. Then see him again, you didn't, but 835 00:43:11,040 --> 00:43:12,880 Speaker 1: I had to pool. I was doing this for your honor. 836 00:43:13,400 --> 00:43:15,080 Speaker 1: I was doing this for your honor because your man 837 00:43:15,160 --> 00:43:17,000 Speaker 1: can't be their own. They will be laughing back at you. 838 00:43:17,040 --> 00:43:19,360 Speaker 1: Want to resort. We was in re You then the 839 00:43:19,640 --> 00:43:21,560 Speaker 1: grill and the re You and the grill, and I 840 00:43:21,600 --> 00:43:23,440 Speaker 1: don't want to come back and anybody be laughing at 841 00:43:23,440 --> 00:43:28,800 Speaker 1: you because your husband the re You without you. Imagine 842 00:43:28,840 --> 00:43:30,640 Speaker 1: me going back to red You without you? What that 843 00:43:30,680 --> 00:43:34,040 Speaker 1: looked like? Parents just be read? No, you would just 844 00:43:34,080 --> 00:43:37,960 Speaker 1: be read by herself. So I'm like, how far could 845 00:43:38,000 --> 00:43:39,600 Speaker 1: it be? It looked like it was about what two 846 00:43:39,680 --> 00:43:43,319 Speaker 1: hundred yards? So I jump off the boat to both 847 00:43:43,360 --> 00:43:45,719 Speaker 1: the boat. I'm swimming because I could swim, right, I'm 848 00:43:45,760 --> 00:43:48,640 Speaker 1: not Michael Felshim, So I swimmed. I put my head down. 849 00:43:48,640 --> 00:43:51,680 Speaker 1: I swimmed for like smooth thirty seconds. I'm kicking and kicking. 850 00:43:51,680 --> 00:43:53,680 Speaker 1: I'm swinging my arms right. I bring my head up. 851 00:43:53,680 --> 00:43:55,600 Speaker 1: I look back. The boat is still right behind me. 852 00:43:56,040 --> 00:43:58,480 Speaker 1: So I've gone nowhere, like I've done all this swimmen, 853 00:43:58,719 --> 00:44:03,000 Speaker 1: and I'm still right my first So now I'm getting tired, 854 00:44:03,000 --> 00:44:05,120 Speaker 1: but I pushed through. I keep swimming, keeps swimming. I 855 00:44:05,239 --> 00:44:07,279 Speaker 1: end up swimming for about four and a half five 856 00:44:07,320 --> 00:44:11,880 Speaker 1: minutes straight. Finally got to Ricks Cafe. Right when I 857 00:44:11,920 --> 00:44:17,239 Speaker 1: get there, both white boys jump off whoa, yeah, splash right, 858 00:44:17,560 --> 00:44:20,479 Speaker 1: come on, come on, they go climb up again, jump 859 00:44:20,520 --> 00:44:23,839 Speaker 1: off again. At this point I have a full body cramp, right, 860 00:44:24,200 --> 00:44:26,880 Speaker 1: full body cramp from my toes all it to my eyebrows. 861 00:44:26,880 --> 00:44:30,200 Speaker 1: My whole body is like like nas, you are staying 862 00:44:30,239 --> 00:44:32,080 Speaker 1: on this rock. But I'm like, I gotta do this 863 00:44:32,120 --> 00:44:34,560 Speaker 1: for my my woman, like it's for her honor. I 864 00:44:34,600 --> 00:44:36,440 Speaker 1: gotta make sure I don't look like a punk. Right, 865 00:44:36,680 --> 00:44:41,120 Speaker 1: So I climb up there to ricks Cafe right, step off. 866 00:44:41,160 --> 00:44:43,120 Speaker 1: Now the rest of them jump. There was kids jumping 867 00:44:43,160 --> 00:44:45,560 Speaker 1: off the trees at the top of ricks Cafe. I 868 00:44:45,600 --> 00:44:47,160 Speaker 1: was at the very edge of the low part. I 869 00:44:47,200 --> 00:44:49,920 Speaker 1: jumped off right. Once I hit the water right, I 870 00:44:49,920 --> 00:44:53,560 Speaker 1: don't remember hearing anything because I went deaf for a minute. 871 00:44:53,600 --> 00:44:56,120 Speaker 1: Like that. You hit the water with such impact. It 872 00:44:56,200 --> 00:45:00,719 Speaker 1: was like like you hear the ringing. And I still 873 00:45:00,760 --> 00:45:04,120 Speaker 1: can't breathe from swimming. Finally get to the top, climbed 874 00:45:04,120 --> 00:45:07,040 Speaker 1: back out to the rocks. I'm so tired, right, and 875 00:45:07,640 --> 00:45:09,719 Speaker 1: now I'm watching the guys that jumped off the boat 876 00:45:09,760 --> 00:45:12,680 Speaker 1: with me. They're swimming back to the boat. Come on, 877 00:45:12,840 --> 00:45:14,480 Speaker 1: let's come on, we gotta get back before Sunday. We 878 00:45:14,520 --> 00:45:17,359 Speaker 1: gotta get back right, people laughing pointing at me. Huh, 879 00:45:17,520 --> 00:45:19,279 Speaker 1: get him a life vest, Get him a life vest. 880 00:45:19,520 --> 00:45:22,359 Speaker 1: So now I'm like, I can't be a punk now 881 00:45:22,360 --> 00:45:24,000 Speaker 1: and get a light vest. Get a light vest. I 882 00:45:24,000 --> 00:45:27,440 Speaker 1: gotta swim back to the boat. I see Codeine screaming 883 00:45:27,520 --> 00:45:30,320 Speaker 1: from the boat, yelling at the guy who was running 884 00:45:30,320 --> 00:45:36,040 Speaker 1: the boat, y'all gotta get closer, go get him. Only 885 00:45:36,120 --> 00:45:37,880 Speaker 1: I was I've seen the struggle in the panic in 886 00:45:37,960 --> 00:45:39,520 Speaker 1: your face. And I was like, y'all have to take 887 00:45:39,560 --> 00:45:41,480 Speaker 1: this boat closer. And he said, no, Mom, I can't. 888 00:45:41,800 --> 00:45:43,719 Speaker 1: We're gonna look up ponder rocks to the man. Then 889 00:45:43,800 --> 00:45:46,440 Speaker 1: well we have no boat no more. I'm like, great, 890 00:45:46,840 --> 00:45:48,760 Speaker 1: So now we can't get closer to him. He clearly 891 00:45:48,800 --> 00:45:51,160 Speaker 1: can't get to so I'm like, you have to have 892 00:45:51,200 --> 00:45:53,120 Speaker 1: a rope, you have to have something. I can throw nothing. 893 00:45:53,440 --> 00:45:55,000 Speaker 1: So at this point I had to make a decision. 894 00:45:55,640 --> 00:45:57,840 Speaker 1: I said, you know what, I'm gonna just go for 895 00:45:57,880 --> 00:45:59,920 Speaker 1: the gust. Though, man, if I die, at least my 896 00:46:00,120 --> 00:46:02,160 Speaker 1: wife could say she was my girlfriend the time. We 897 00:46:02,160 --> 00:46:05,160 Speaker 1: weren't even wife, we were boyfriend girlfriend. My girlfriend could 898 00:46:05,160 --> 00:46:08,359 Speaker 1: tell everybody what happened. Because it was also the kids 899 00:46:08,360 --> 00:46:09,840 Speaker 1: was pointing at me and laughing at me because they 900 00:46:09,840 --> 00:46:12,080 Speaker 1: had jumped over the trees and I see the points 901 00:46:12,200 --> 00:46:13,640 Speaker 1: and they was like and he was saying, like rocks 902 00:46:13,680 --> 00:46:15,880 Speaker 1: cloud or something like that. And I was getting and 903 00:46:15,920 --> 00:46:17,960 Speaker 1: I was getting mad because I heard rocks cloud puss over. 904 00:46:18,000 --> 00:46:21,440 Speaker 1: I was getting pissed. So I jumped in the water, 905 00:46:22,680 --> 00:46:25,600 Speaker 1: started swimming. Got a muscle cramp, right, says, shoot, I'm 906 00:46:25,600 --> 00:46:28,000 Speaker 1: gonna have to backstroke, so I turned on my back 907 00:46:28,000 --> 00:46:31,520 Speaker 1: and I started floating. As I'm floating, I realized the 908 00:46:31,560 --> 00:46:35,000 Speaker 1: current was taking me back to the boat, so I 909 00:46:35,040 --> 00:46:37,520 Speaker 1: didn't have to do much swimming. Now here's the kicker, right, 910 00:46:38,440 --> 00:46:39,880 Speaker 1: I float all the way back to the boat. I 911 00:46:39,920 --> 00:46:42,640 Speaker 1: get there. I'm still tired, right, They're gonna say to 912 00:46:42,640 --> 00:46:44,960 Speaker 1: me when I get there. Yeah. Man, we were wondering 913 00:46:45,000 --> 00:46:46,600 Speaker 1: why you were swimming at the top of the water. 914 00:46:47,239 --> 00:46:49,480 Speaker 1: But what you mean it was like the current. The 915 00:46:49,480 --> 00:46:52,160 Speaker 1: current goes into ricks Cafe, bounces off the rocks and 916 00:46:52,160 --> 00:46:54,040 Speaker 1: pushes you back out. If you want to get to 917 00:46:54,160 --> 00:46:56,680 Speaker 1: ricks Cafe faster, you go underneath the water and let 918 00:46:56,680 --> 00:46:59,160 Speaker 1: the current from underneath. K That's why they got there 919 00:46:59,160 --> 00:47:02,080 Speaker 1: so fast. Me at the top swimming. I was swimming 920 00:47:02,120 --> 00:47:05,120 Speaker 1: against the current that was against the rocks and pushing 921 00:47:05,239 --> 00:47:07,839 Speaker 1: back and that's what took me so long to get back. Man, 922 00:47:07,840 --> 00:47:10,640 Speaker 1: I got back on that boat and passed, sure did. 923 00:47:10,840 --> 00:47:12,560 Speaker 1: And then I was puking off the side at that 924 00:47:12,600 --> 00:47:15,400 Speaker 1: point because after the rocky nous, I just had to 925 00:47:15,440 --> 00:47:16,719 Speaker 1: make sure that he was back on the boat. And 926 00:47:16,719 --> 00:47:19,000 Speaker 1: then I was like, so ceasick. After that, I'm like, 927 00:47:19,040 --> 00:47:21,640 Speaker 1: you know what, get us home. So that's a perfect 928 00:47:21,680 --> 00:47:26,200 Speaker 1: example of smart people making poor decisions because they're influenced 929 00:47:26,239 --> 00:47:31,320 Speaker 1: by their environment. Right who making smart? Neither? Clearly Jamaican 930 00:47:31,360 --> 00:47:34,120 Speaker 1: kids were smart. They were talking a boys on the boat. 931 00:47:34,719 --> 00:47:37,799 Speaker 1: They got their money. The one little kid was like, oh, 932 00:47:37,800 --> 00:47:40,000 Speaker 1: puss old pussles. I want to fight him, but I 933 00:47:40,000 --> 00:47:45,719 Speaker 1: had a full body cramp and d he was half 934 00:47:45,760 --> 00:47:48,719 Speaker 1: your size. So how are we teaching our kids to 935 00:47:48,760 --> 00:47:53,279 Speaker 1: make good choices? That's a pretty good question, how our 936 00:47:53,440 --> 00:47:55,920 Speaker 1: kids to make How are we teaching our children to 937 00:47:55,960 --> 00:47:58,120 Speaker 1: make good choices? I don't know if this is something 938 00:47:58,160 --> 00:48:01,080 Speaker 1: that we've deliberately. I don't think I've really thought about 939 00:48:01,120 --> 00:48:03,640 Speaker 1: this yet, per se, Like, how am I teaching you 940 00:48:03,680 --> 00:48:05,719 Speaker 1: to make a good choice? I know I'm trying to 941 00:48:05,800 --> 00:48:09,680 Speaker 1: in this moment, particularly with Jackson, for example, equipped him 942 00:48:09,760 --> 00:48:13,360 Speaker 1: with every single scenario that I can think of sometimes 943 00:48:13,680 --> 00:48:16,880 Speaker 1: to make sure that he's at least prepared and aware 944 00:48:17,040 --> 00:48:20,440 Speaker 1: of how a choice that he makes will affect the outcome. 945 00:48:20,520 --> 00:48:22,640 Speaker 1: It could be something as simple as an exam. Right, 946 00:48:22,960 --> 00:48:25,640 Speaker 1: He's in middle school now, so this is a big jump, 947 00:48:26,120 --> 00:48:31,600 Speaker 1: you know, socially, physically academically for him from elementary to 948 00:48:31,600 --> 00:48:34,600 Speaker 1: middle school. So one way, for example, I'm teaching him 949 00:48:34,600 --> 00:48:38,280 Speaker 1: how to make a choice, right, he doesn't quite grasp 950 00:48:38,280 --> 00:48:41,440 Speaker 1: the concept yet. In elementary school of just studying, you know, 951 00:48:41,520 --> 00:48:44,040 Speaker 1: everyone has their different technique in way of staying. They 952 00:48:44,040 --> 00:48:46,080 Speaker 1: have their you know, their tips and tricks or their 953 00:48:46,120 --> 00:48:49,319 Speaker 1: tactics that help them to absorb information and all that. 954 00:48:49,760 --> 00:48:52,799 Speaker 1: So when I saw you know, newsletters coming in from 955 00:48:52,800 --> 00:48:55,440 Speaker 1: his various subject teachers and stuff, and they're telling me 956 00:48:55,480 --> 00:48:58,960 Speaker 1: when exams are happening and tests are happening quiz in 957 00:48:58,960 --> 00:49:00,840 Speaker 1: the first month of s cool, I would notice, like, 958 00:49:00,880 --> 00:49:02,880 Speaker 1: you know, I know Jackson has a science examp tomorrow, 959 00:49:02,880 --> 00:49:07,239 Speaker 1: but I don't see him studying. So so because it's 960 00:49:07,239 --> 00:49:08,520 Speaker 1: new to him, you know, I make sure I have 961 00:49:08,560 --> 00:49:10,520 Speaker 1: the conversation, and I'm like, hey, buddy, you know, now 962 00:49:10,560 --> 00:49:13,680 Speaker 1: that you have these different teachers, different subjects, happening is 963 00:49:13,719 --> 00:49:15,839 Speaker 1: going to require a lot of organization on your part. 964 00:49:16,160 --> 00:49:18,000 Speaker 1: Got him a little student agenda like I used to 965 00:49:18,080 --> 00:49:20,439 Speaker 1: have back in the day, and here's your your week. 966 00:49:20,680 --> 00:49:22,400 Speaker 1: Is what your week looks like. You put your exams 967 00:49:22,400 --> 00:49:23,719 Speaker 1: on the calendar, so you know when you have to 968 00:49:23,719 --> 00:49:26,319 Speaker 1: study leading up to that. But what I realized is 969 00:49:26,360 --> 00:49:29,799 Speaker 1: that I cannot tell him how to be that kind 970 00:49:29,800 --> 00:49:34,000 Speaker 1: of right. So what I did was instead say, hey, 971 00:49:34,320 --> 00:49:37,400 Speaker 1: here's what worked for me in the past. You're going 972 00:49:37,440 --> 00:49:40,200 Speaker 1: to develop your own system on how to study, and 973 00:49:40,239 --> 00:49:43,359 Speaker 1: just make sure whatever system you develop is effective enough 974 00:49:43,640 --> 00:49:45,319 Speaker 1: for you to bring home to A's because if you 975 00:49:45,320 --> 00:49:47,600 Speaker 1: don't bring home to A's is gonna be a problem. Right, 976 00:49:47,920 --> 00:49:50,960 Speaker 1: So what ends up happening Jackson after knowing all of 977 00:49:51,000 --> 00:49:52,480 Speaker 1: these things, because of course, too, I don't want to 978 00:49:52,520 --> 00:49:54,000 Speaker 1: micro manage him, or I don't want to be that 979 00:49:54,080 --> 00:49:57,160 Speaker 1: mom that's like helicopter mom trying to, you know, make 980 00:49:57,200 --> 00:50:00,239 Speaker 1: all of the decisions for him. Because we've also seeing 981 00:50:00,280 --> 00:50:03,920 Speaker 1: the detriment in children who have become adults where their 982 00:50:03,960 --> 00:50:06,520 Speaker 1: parents were always making the choices for them, and then 983 00:50:06,560 --> 00:50:08,680 Speaker 1: how here they are adults and don't know how to 984 00:50:08,719 --> 00:50:11,319 Speaker 1: even make a choice for themselves. So I never want 985 00:50:11,360 --> 00:50:13,520 Speaker 1: that to be the case. But he'll know the consequence. 986 00:50:13,560 --> 00:50:15,920 Speaker 1: So if you don't study for a science exam, for example, 987 00:50:16,200 --> 00:50:18,680 Speaker 1: and you bring home at eighty, then you're gonna have 988 00:50:18,719 --> 00:50:20,319 Speaker 1: to talk to me about why you brought home an eighty. 989 00:50:20,440 --> 00:50:22,400 Speaker 1: Wasn't an eighty because you weren't prepared because you made 990 00:50:22,440 --> 00:50:24,439 Speaker 1: the choice not to study, or was it an eighty 991 00:50:24,480 --> 00:50:26,879 Speaker 1: because you genuinely didn't understand the stuff And you talk 992 00:50:26,920 --> 00:50:33,520 Speaker 1: about eight with the disgust in your face. Absolutely absolutely, 993 00:50:33,520 --> 00:50:34,960 Speaker 1: I got a lot of eighties in my day. I'm 994 00:50:35,000 --> 00:50:37,040 Speaker 1: doing all you're doing, all right, But the standard is 995 00:50:38,600 --> 00:50:42,080 Speaker 1: you know what time it is? The kids be ready 996 00:50:42,080 --> 00:50:43,919 Speaker 1: to cry? Yeah, no, I mean it's not that bad, 997 00:50:43,960 --> 00:50:47,200 Speaker 1: but oh yes it is, Yes, it is it, Yes 998 00:50:47,239 --> 00:50:49,879 Speaker 1: it is. Jackson is terrified to get anything below nine. 999 00:50:50,640 --> 00:50:52,680 Speaker 1: And Cayro has gotten all hundreds on this for he's 1000 00:50:52,680 --> 00:50:55,360 Speaker 1: in kindergarten and he's got all hundreds so far. Like 1001 00:50:55,400 --> 00:50:57,359 Speaker 1: all he got to know is the color red is red. 1002 00:50:57,760 --> 00:50:59,880 Speaker 1: But if he don't, if he gets one wrong, he's concerned. 1003 00:51:00,080 --> 00:51:01,720 Speaker 1: But there's a difference to me though, there's a difference 1004 00:51:01,760 --> 00:51:04,080 Speaker 1: in like so for example, when they do get something incorrect, 1005 00:51:04,160 --> 00:51:05,719 Speaker 1: or you come home with something in the eighties or 1006 00:51:06,000 --> 00:51:08,040 Speaker 1: seventies even right, because as we've been there with them, 1007 00:51:08,400 --> 00:51:11,359 Speaker 1: with Jackson particularly, it's more of a concern for me 1008 00:51:11,400 --> 00:51:13,600 Speaker 1: to say, Okay, is this material that you do not 1009 00:51:13,760 --> 00:51:16,319 Speaker 1: genuinely understand that we have to now get you a 1010 00:51:16,320 --> 00:51:18,239 Speaker 1: tutor or sit down and unpack why you may not 1011 00:51:18,400 --> 00:51:20,520 Speaker 1: understand this stuff or is it just from the choice 1012 00:51:20,520 --> 00:51:23,160 Speaker 1: to just not study in that moment and just allow 1013 00:51:23,239 --> 00:51:26,040 Speaker 1: yourself take the exam. Let me tell you something and 1014 00:51:26,080 --> 00:51:27,719 Speaker 1: the chips fall with their main let me tell you 1015 00:51:27,760 --> 00:51:30,560 Speaker 1: what it is, right. And I've noticed this with with moms, 1016 00:51:31,680 --> 00:51:34,360 Speaker 1: my mom, with your mom, with most of the moms 1017 00:51:34,360 --> 00:51:37,000 Speaker 1: that I've helped, did I inherit me? Yes, you've inherit 1018 00:51:37,080 --> 00:51:41,280 Speaker 1: You've inherited right. Okay. A lot of times, you guys 1019 00:51:41,440 --> 00:51:44,680 Speaker 1: care so much about your children, right that you protect 1020 00:51:44,680 --> 00:51:48,000 Speaker 1: them from the consequences that come from the decisions they made. Right. 1021 00:51:48,480 --> 00:51:51,480 Speaker 1: I'm trying what you can't do as a dad. I've 1022 00:51:51,520 --> 00:51:53,520 Speaker 1: heard other dad said the same thing, or he did that, 1023 00:51:53,600 --> 00:51:55,759 Speaker 1: let him do with it. And like, no, that's my baby. 1024 00:51:55,760 --> 00:51:58,160 Speaker 1: I'm gonna let him deal with it. One the way 1025 00:51:58,160 --> 00:52:00,600 Speaker 1: I'm teaching my boys how to learn how to make 1026 00:52:00,600 --> 00:52:03,880 Speaker 1: better choices is teaching them to deal with the consequences 1027 00:52:03,880 --> 00:52:06,919 Speaker 1: that they get from the choices they make when they're young, 1028 00:52:07,680 --> 00:52:10,600 Speaker 1: because the stakes aren't as high. So, for example, like 1029 00:52:10,600 --> 00:52:12,800 Speaker 1: you said with Jackson and the reading thing, I remember 1030 00:52:12,800 --> 00:52:15,000 Speaker 1: when he first got to fifth grade and they transitioned 1031 00:52:15,040 --> 00:52:19,520 Speaker 1: from um in school, don't know, from virtual learning back 1032 00:52:19,520 --> 00:52:21,480 Speaker 1: to in school, and he wasn't taking it as serious, 1033 00:52:21,880 --> 00:52:23,719 Speaker 1: and you was on him every day, did you really dread? 1034 00:52:23,719 --> 00:52:27,800 Speaker 1: And say, yo, just relax. Then he got his reading grades, 1035 00:52:28,120 --> 00:52:31,120 Speaker 1: and one grade was the sixty five I believe, Yeah, 1036 00:52:31,160 --> 00:52:35,239 Speaker 1: I think that, And I think he had got a 1037 00:52:35,280 --> 00:52:38,280 Speaker 1: sixty five for something and he was distrought about it. 1038 00:52:38,360 --> 00:52:40,920 Speaker 1: But the point of the matter was unless he feels 1039 00:52:41,239 --> 00:52:43,400 Speaker 1: what it's like to get a sixty five and no 1040 00:52:43,520 --> 00:52:46,040 Speaker 1: he don't want it, he'll always continue to think that 1041 00:52:46,080 --> 00:52:48,719 Speaker 1: my mom is going to create a space or save 1042 00:52:48,800 --> 00:52:52,880 Speaker 1: me from whatever the consequences are. He didn't study the 1043 00:52:52,920 --> 00:52:54,839 Speaker 1: way he was supposed to. He got a sixty five. 1044 00:52:55,160 --> 00:52:57,600 Speaker 1: I then told him, you get another sixty five, you 1045 00:52:57,640 --> 00:52:59,840 Speaker 1: can't play basketball and you have to go to tutoring. 1046 00:53:00,320 --> 00:53:03,319 Speaker 1: Those are the consequences. You give them those consequences when 1047 00:53:03,320 --> 00:53:05,120 Speaker 1: they're young enough, and then they can make decision to 1048 00:53:05,200 --> 00:53:07,640 Speaker 1: change the outcome. That's how you teach them how to 1049 00:53:07,640 --> 00:53:10,600 Speaker 1: make better choices. Unlike some parents who will stay on 1050 00:53:10,640 --> 00:53:13,120 Speaker 1: their kids NonStop and make sure that they like you said, 1051 00:53:13,440 --> 00:53:15,319 Speaker 1: teach them how to study, but call them every day 1052 00:53:15,320 --> 00:53:17,719 Speaker 1: to make sure they study, literally put the pencil in 1053 00:53:17,760 --> 00:53:19,359 Speaker 1: their hands and set them down. And then when they 1054 00:53:19,360 --> 00:53:21,680 Speaker 1: get to college and it's time to make choices on 1055 00:53:21,719 --> 00:53:24,239 Speaker 1: your own, they don't know how to make choices. And 1056 00:53:24,520 --> 00:53:26,279 Speaker 1: I'm not telling you, I'm not itching to take that 1057 00:53:26,320 --> 00:53:28,520 Speaker 1: agenda and write down every email that I've gotten from 1058 00:53:28,520 --> 00:53:31,440 Speaker 1: his teachers and organize everything for him, just because I 1059 00:53:31,480 --> 00:53:34,120 Speaker 1: know I thrive in that kind of environment, and academically, 1060 00:53:34,120 --> 00:53:36,480 Speaker 1: I see Jackson, we have a lot of similarities. So 1061 00:53:36,640 --> 00:53:39,640 Speaker 1: that's why instead of doing that, because I fear that, 1062 00:53:39,800 --> 00:53:43,319 Speaker 1: I fear having boys who are then becoming you know, 1063 00:53:43,480 --> 00:53:45,680 Speaker 1: weak men or weak young men, because they just feel 1064 00:53:45,680 --> 00:53:47,800 Speaker 1: like they're not equipped and don't know how to navigate 1065 00:53:47,840 --> 00:53:49,960 Speaker 1: the world and make the choices that are best for them. 1066 00:53:50,000 --> 00:53:53,080 Speaker 1: So as much as I want to. I think i've 1067 00:53:53,120 --> 00:53:55,799 Speaker 1: it's finally clicked to me um a couple of years now, 1068 00:53:55,800 --> 00:53:59,759 Speaker 1: like I haven't been nearly as you know, hovering or 1069 00:54:00,040 --> 00:54:02,000 Speaker 1: copped a mom with the kids as I used to 1070 00:54:02,040 --> 00:54:04,160 Speaker 1: be or want to be, because I really think it's 1071 00:54:04,200 --> 00:54:07,480 Speaker 1: important that they are equipped and armed with, you know, 1072 00:54:07,560 --> 00:54:09,279 Speaker 1: all of the essentials to make sure that they're making 1073 00:54:09,280 --> 00:54:12,600 Speaker 1: the right choices. So all right, y'all, we're gonna get 1074 00:54:12,640 --> 00:54:15,480 Speaker 1: into this money real quick, take a break, and we'll 1075 00:54:15,520 --> 00:54:31,319 Speaker 1: be back. And we're back from our quick break. We 1076 00:54:31,400 --> 00:54:32,920 Speaker 1: made a choice to come back because we love you 1077 00:54:32,960 --> 00:54:35,520 Speaker 1: all like that, and I'm going to make a choice 1078 00:54:35,560 --> 00:54:39,520 Speaker 1: and it was no mistake. I'm gonna be a gentleman 1079 00:54:39,520 --> 00:54:41,600 Speaker 1: and let my wife go first. Sounds good, I'll read 1080 00:54:41,680 --> 00:54:44,960 Speaker 1: Number one Deared Canina Develle. I've been with my man 1081 00:54:45,080 --> 00:54:48,080 Speaker 1: Sean for a year, but we've been dating on and 1082 00:54:48,160 --> 00:54:50,680 Speaker 1: off for four years. I've had an issue with his 1083 00:54:50,760 --> 00:54:54,839 Speaker 1: female friend. They had sexual relations before me and him 1084 00:54:54,880 --> 00:54:58,880 Speaker 1: started him before me and him and started dating. But 1085 00:54:59,080 --> 00:55:02,240 Speaker 1: although their sexual relationship has stopped, I feel some type 1086 00:55:02,239 --> 00:55:05,000 Speaker 1: of way about it. We all work together, but the 1087 00:55:05,040 --> 00:55:10,840 Speaker 1: way she looks at him bothers me, um, girl like 1088 00:55:11,000 --> 00:55:14,600 Speaker 1: she's not over the fact that he finally has a girlfriend. 1089 00:55:14,640 --> 00:55:17,440 Speaker 1: Now he tells me that they're just friends, but when 1090 00:55:17,480 --> 00:55:19,759 Speaker 1: they talk, she looks at him like she's so in love, 1091 00:55:20,000 --> 00:55:24,280 Speaker 1: like constantly laughing at his corny ass jokes and stuff 1092 00:55:24,320 --> 00:55:28,000 Speaker 1: like that. It makes me uncomfortable because she's like, I 1093 00:55:28,000 --> 00:55:31,000 Speaker 1: wanted to beat this little bit ahead. Um. It makes 1094 00:55:31,040 --> 00:55:33,799 Speaker 1: me uncomfortable because Sean doesn't see the issue because he 1095 00:55:33,840 --> 00:55:36,359 Speaker 1: says he's not cheating and he doesn't want her in 1096 00:55:36,400 --> 00:55:39,080 Speaker 1: that way. Also, when he first told her that we 1097 00:55:39,080 --> 00:55:41,600 Speaker 1: were together, she had an attitude and I still don't 1098 00:55:41,640 --> 00:55:44,080 Speaker 1: know why because I don't know this girl at all. 1099 00:55:44,360 --> 00:55:47,359 Speaker 1: But now it makes sense because she's not over him 1100 00:55:47,360 --> 00:55:50,760 Speaker 1: and it shows I don't think he's sleeping with her. However, 1101 00:55:50,920 --> 00:55:54,280 Speaker 1: I feel that those friendly interactions should be at a minimum, 1102 00:55:54,360 --> 00:55:56,840 Speaker 1: especially since he's in a committed relationship now and my 1103 00:55:56,920 --> 00:55:58,799 Speaker 1: tripping or is he too blind to see that she 1104 00:55:58,880 --> 00:56:03,560 Speaker 1: still wants him. I always wonder that do guys choose 1105 00:56:03,600 --> 00:56:06,680 Speaker 1: to see or not see if a woman is into them? 1106 00:56:06,719 --> 00:56:09,120 Speaker 1: Because I know you've told me, even though we're married, 1107 00:56:09,640 --> 00:56:12,560 Speaker 1: that you can tell when you're around a woman who 1108 00:56:12,840 --> 00:56:16,480 Speaker 1: if you you know, yeah, if you throw that ball up, 1109 00:56:16,960 --> 00:56:25,600 Speaker 1: the balls up. That's not where I intended for it 1110 00:56:25,680 --> 00:56:29,640 Speaker 1: to go. However, Yeah, like you know, as I when 1111 00:56:29,680 --> 00:56:32,080 Speaker 1: a woman is into you or would be into you 1112 00:56:32,160 --> 00:56:34,080 Speaker 1: if you was about it. So what do you think 1113 00:56:34,080 --> 00:56:36,399 Speaker 1: in the circumstance here, because I'm with homegrow, I'm ready 1114 00:56:36,400 --> 00:56:39,600 Speaker 1: to fighter. You know, this is this is the problem 1115 00:56:40,239 --> 00:56:44,320 Speaker 1: comes a double standard, right because women have male friends, 1116 00:56:44,680 --> 00:56:46,560 Speaker 1: and you'll always say all the time, it's just like, oh, 1117 00:56:46,560 --> 00:56:49,200 Speaker 1: he's just a friend. I control everything, So don't worry 1118 00:56:49,200 --> 00:56:51,719 Speaker 1: aboudy again, do not. Absolutely we can do the same thing. 1119 00:56:51,840 --> 00:56:54,600 Speaker 1: Absolutely we do the same thing. I mean, I believe it. 1120 00:56:54,680 --> 00:56:57,719 Speaker 1: I believe it. I'm just saying in her particular scenario, 1121 00:56:57,800 --> 00:57:01,840 Speaker 1: I think it's like she has male friends. I'm pretty 1122 00:57:01,880 --> 00:57:04,520 Speaker 1: sure she does. Like I don't. I have never met 1123 00:57:04,520 --> 00:57:07,560 Speaker 1: one person that says I only commingle with the people 1124 00:57:07,600 --> 00:57:10,040 Speaker 1: who have the same genital ys me. Like, that's just 1125 00:57:10,120 --> 00:57:14,120 Speaker 1: not acord. And what doesn't help is if the person 1126 00:57:14,200 --> 00:57:17,080 Speaker 1: is attractive. I forget that, Like, don't have an attractive friend, 1127 00:57:17,080 --> 00:57:18,680 Speaker 1: because then it's like, oh, there has to be a 1128 00:57:18,720 --> 00:57:24,040 Speaker 1: reason why they're actually look the truth, friends and platonic 1129 00:57:24,120 --> 00:57:27,840 Speaker 1: at that. This goes back to choices. He every day 1130 00:57:27,880 --> 00:57:29,280 Speaker 1: has to make a choice if he wants to be 1131 00:57:29,320 --> 00:57:31,440 Speaker 1: with his girlfriend or if he wants to be with 1132 00:57:31,520 --> 00:57:35,680 Speaker 1: his His friend explained, if he's continuously making the choice 1133 00:57:35,720 --> 00:57:38,360 Speaker 1: to be with you, and you continue to focus on 1134 00:57:38,480 --> 00:57:41,040 Speaker 1: that girl, you're going to become the problem and not 1135 00:57:41,120 --> 00:57:44,479 Speaker 1: that girl. You have to understand and let people show 1136 00:57:44,480 --> 00:57:46,200 Speaker 1: you who they are. If he's showing you that he 1137 00:57:46,240 --> 00:57:48,800 Speaker 1: wants to be committed to you and she's still laughing 1138 00:57:48,800 --> 00:57:50,840 Speaker 1: at his corny jokes, let her laugh at the corny 1139 00:57:50,920 --> 00:57:53,760 Speaker 1: jokes until he decides that he wants to disrespect you. 1140 00:57:53,760 --> 00:57:56,080 Speaker 1: Why is this even a problem, Because what you can't 1141 00:57:56,120 --> 00:57:59,360 Speaker 1: do as a person is trying to block everybody that's 1142 00:57:59,400 --> 00:58:01,480 Speaker 1: around your signing if again, other that gets exhausting and 1143 00:58:01,560 --> 00:58:05,160 Speaker 1: also looks corny, Like every time a guy comes around you, 1144 00:58:05,680 --> 00:58:09,920 Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure the guys and probably the women that 1145 00:58:09,960 --> 00:58:11,960 Speaker 1: are around you would have sex you to if they 1146 00:58:11,960 --> 00:58:15,520 Speaker 1: had the chance, right, right, And so am I going 1147 00:58:15,560 --> 00:58:17,720 Speaker 1: to sit here and look at everybody's giggle every time 1148 00:58:17,760 --> 00:58:19,720 Speaker 1: you make a joke because your jokes don't be funny, 1149 00:58:19,720 --> 00:58:26,040 Speaker 1: but niggas be laughing. My jokes are very funny. My 1150 00:58:26,120 --> 00:58:29,000 Speaker 1: jokes be funny, not only a joke. Sometimes your jokes 1151 00:58:29,000 --> 00:58:30,959 Speaker 1: be laying in a little flat, you know what I'm saying. 1152 00:58:31,000 --> 00:58:32,360 Speaker 1: I've been trying to work with you on how you 1153 00:58:32,400 --> 00:58:34,320 Speaker 1: tell stories so that you get to the punch line 1154 00:58:34,320 --> 00:58:36,760 Speaker 1: a little later rather than giving it away earlier. But 1155 00:58:36,840 --> 00:58:39,600 Speaker 1: that's why you do story time and not me. I 1156 00:58:39,640 --> 00:58:42,240 Speaker 1: just had the razzle dazz with y'all, and that's all 1157 00:58:42,280 --> 00:58:45,520 Speaker 1: I'm responsible. You definitely do bring the razzle and the dass. 1158 00:58:45,560 --> 00:58:48,000 Speaker 1: But my point is is that people are going to 1159 00:58:48,080 --> 00:58:50,080 Speaker 1: be attracted to you. With my wife, like, what am 1160 00:58:50,080 --> 00:58:51,760 Speaker 1: I supposed to do? I can't walk around with a 1161 00:58:51,760 --> 00:58:55,240 Speaker 1: guard up and just be so defensive her circumstance because 1162 00:58:55,240 --> 00:58:58,360 Speaker 1: they've had a sexual past. You know, it's a little 1163 00:58:58,360 --> 00:59:00,600 Speaker 1: bit harder for her to move on from that. But 1164 00:59:00,680 --> 00:59:03,760 Speaker 1: also since you don't want your insecurity to show particularly 1165 00:59:03,800 --> 00:59:07,320 Speaker 1: to her either, because then the last thing I always 1166 00:59:07,360 --> 00:59:09,240 Speaker 1: said I ever wanted was some other bits to have 1167 00:59:09,360 --> 00:59:13,520 Speaker 1: something on me, right, and that feeling alone is enough 1168 00:59:13,560 --> 00:59:17,000 Speaker 1: to make you crazy. So I'm hoping that she's not 1169 00:59:17,560 --> 00:59:22,240 Speaker 1: exuding that insecurity around home girl too, because you know 1170 00:59:22,440 --> 00:59:24,920 Speaker 1: girls too, they want to play the game. She might 1171 00:59:24,960 --> 00:59:26,760 Speaker 1: be turning it up just because she knows it gets 1172 00:59:26,840 --> 00:59:28,680 Speaker 1: under your skin. That's a good point. And she might 1173 00:59:28,720 --> 00:59:31,000 Speaker 1: just be doing it just to do it, because that's 1174 00:59:31,000 --> 00:59:33,560 Speaker 1: how some people are. But if your man hasn't given 1175 00:59:33,560 --> 00:59:37,320 Speaker 1: you any reason to doubt him and to make you 1176 00:59:37,440 --> 00:59:40,880 Speaker 1: feel as if there's legitimately something going on here, let 1177 00:59:40,880 --> 00:59:43,320 Speaker 1: that keep laughing. Yeah, let let her. Let her laugh 1178 00:59:43,360 --> 00:59:45,440 Speaker 1: at you, Joe, he's laughing at the corny as choke. 1179 00:59:45,560 --> 00:59:47,560 Speaker 1: Because here's the thing, and I've learned this for some 1180 00:59:47,600 --> 00:59:51,400 Speaker 1: of my my lady friends, there is nothing more attractive 1181 00:59:52,160 --> 00:59:55,120 Speaker 1: than a man that kid's attention from other women, but 1182 00:59:55,200 --> 00:59:58,760 Speaker 1: still focuses on his woman. This is what my lady 1183 00:59:58,760 --> 01:00:01,280 Speaker 1: friends tell me. You when you have a man that 1184 01:00:01,680 --> 01:00:04,520 Speaker 1: he knows, who he's committed to, can still entertain and 1185 01:00:04,640 --> 01:00:07,120 Speaker 1: joke and kihi with these other women, but then be like, yo, piece, 1186 01:00:07,120 --> 01:00:08,760 Speaker 1: I gotta go home to my wife, for it's like 1187 01:00:08,920 --> 01:00:11,920 Speaker 1: it's about my wife that's attractive to them. So you 1188 01:00:11,920 --> 01:00:14,880 Speaker 1: have to expect nobody wants somebody that nobody wants. I 1189 01:00:14,920 --> 01:00:17,160 Speaker 1: know that when I when I think in the restaurants, 1190 01:00:17,160 --> 01:00:18,720 Speaker 1: if nobody looking at her the way I think they 1191 01:00:18,720 --> 01:00:20,000 Speaker 1: should be looking at her. I'm like, we need to 1192 01:00:20,040 --> 01:00:22,040 Speaker 1: go home and need to change our fit because I 1193 01:00:22,080 --> 01:00:24,040 Speaker 1: ain't see enough eyes that way. You know what I'm saying, Like, 1194 01:00:24,080 --> 01:00:26,160 Speaker 1: we gotta figure something out right, and you should expect 1195 01:00:26,160 --> 01:00:28,520 Speaker 1: that if if you're your man and your woman looks good, 1196 01:00:28,600 --> 01:00:31,760 Speaker 1: it's like, shoot, yeah they have charisma. Yeah, you expect that. 1197 01:00:31,880 --> 01:00:33,600 Speaker 1: And I never changes man. When you get married, people 1198 01:00:33,600 --> 01:00:35,440 Speaker 1: are going to be attracted to your significant other the 1199 01:00:35,480 --> 01:00:38,080 Speaker 1: same reason why you were attracted to them. That doesn't 1200 01:00:38,120 --> 01:00:40,120 Speaker 1: go away when they get a boyfriend or a girlfriend. 1201 01:00:40,200 --> 01:00:43,160 Speaker 1: So you know, just unless they prove to you or 1202 01:00:43,160 --> 01:00:45,160 Speaker 1: show you something different, make the choice to be in 1203 01:00:45,160 --> 01:00:48,959 Speaker 1: a good space. Don't allow the what ifs to create 1204 01:00:48,960 --> 01:00:51,840 Speaker 1: an environment that's uncomfortable. And now your relationship is going 1205 01:00:51,840 --> 01:00:55,400 Speaker 1: down the drains than you harpen on something and putting 1206 01:00:55,400 --> 01:00:57,480 Speaker 1: a hundred on ten on something that is nothing. And 1207 01:00:57,520 --> 01:01:00,520 Speaker 1: then you in turn all to the entire your mood 1208 01:01:01,280 --> 01:01:04,760 Speaker 1: of your relationship because you're just harping on something that 1209 01:01:05,080 --> 01:01:09,880 Speaker 1: may not even be You know that's a fact. Good 1210 01:01:09,960 --> 01:01:11,960 Speaker 1: luck to you, says Tell Sean to get it together 1211 01:01:12,000 --> 01:01:16,560 Speaker 1: with home girl. Sean, keep telling jokes, all right, what 1212 01:01:16,720 --> 01:01:19,680 Speaker 1: these bitches going from a nigga last that's what they want. 1213 01:01:19,720 --> 01:01:21,640 Speaker 1: They want to laugh, Sean, keep him laughing, all right. 1214 01:01:24,400 --> 01:01:26,280 Speaker 1: Number two, Hey, Codeine and de Val, just want to 1215 01:01:26,320 --> 01:01:28,280 Speaker 1: say I love you guys so much. Of my big 1216 01:01:28,280 --> 01:01:30,760 Speaker 1: siblings in my head. Thank you so much. I'm a 1217 01:01:30,760 --> 01:01:33,160 Speaker 1: young first time mom twenty three who had my child 1218 01:01:33,240 --> 01:01:37,240 Speaker 1: five months ago. Congratulations. My fiance had a child prior 1219 01:01:37,280 --> 01:01:40,640 Speaker 1: to our relationship, making this his second child. While pregnant, 1220 01:01:40,640 --> 01:01:42,919 Speaker 1: he gave me the option to of not working since 1221 01:01:42,960 --> 01:01:44,880 Speaker 1: I was finishing up my last year of school and 1222 01:01:44,920 --> 01:01:47,920 Speaker 1: I had a job lined up two months after graduating 1223 01:01:48,240 --> 01:01:50,360 Speaker 1: one switching to a one income household, We've had a 1224 01:01:50,400 --> 01:01:52,720 Speaker 1: lot of financial issues, which tends to happen. I now 1225 01:01:52,840 --> 01:01:54,360 Speaker 1: work from home and I take care of the baby 1226 01:01:54,400 --> 01:01:56,680 Speaker 1: as well. Since the day she was born, I've been 1227 01:01:56,680 --> 01:01:58,920 Speaker 1: the only one up taking care of her at nights 1228 01:01:59,080 --> 01:02:02,120 Speaker 1: and throughout the days. Since my baby is breastfed. Is 1229 01:02:02,120 --> 01:02:04,960 Speaker 1: a breastfed baby. My fiance says there's no point in 1230 01:02:05,320 --> 01:02:07,280 Speaker 1: him waking up and losing sleep since he has to 1231 01:02:07,320 --> 01:02:09,439 Speaker 1: go to work and there's nothing he can do. Since 1232 01:02:09,520 --> 01:02:12,440 Speaker 1: having the baby, he never took time off of work. 1233 01:02:12,640 --> 01:02:14,840 Speaker 1: He leaves at six am, and doesn't get home until 1234 01:02:14,920 --> 01:02:17,200 Speaker 1: nine pm now since he has to go to his 1235 01:02:17,280 --> 01:02:20,240 Speaker 1: other child's football practice, but that time our baby is 1236 01:02:20,240 --> 01:02:22,040 Speaker 1: already and by that time my baby is already in 1237 01:02:22,120 --> 01:02:25,640 Speaker 1: bed or going to bed. Sounds like me getting up 1238 01:02:25,640 --> 01:02:29,720 Speaker 1: early and then Jackson. I'm also expected to make sure 1239 01:02:29,800 --> 01:02:31,960 Speaker 1: the house is tidy and there's food ready, and to 1240 01:02:32,000 --> 01:02:34,640 Speaker 1: still be intimate while running on three to four hours 1241 01:02:34,640 --> 01:02:37,120 Speaker 1: of sleep. I have no family or help where I am. 1242 01:02:37,480 --> 01:02:39,920 Speaker 1: That's a tough one since all of my support system 1243 01:02:39,920 --> 01:02:42,040 Speaker 1: and family is back home in Brooklyn and only and 1244 01:02:42,160 --> 01:02:45,240 Speaker 1: it's only my fiance here. His family lives an hour 1245 01:02:45,280 --> 01:02:47,480 Speaker 1: away from us, but they do not help out at all. 1246 01:02:47,520 --> 01:02:49,360 Speaker 1: When I expressed my fiance that I feel like a 1247 01:02:49,360 --> 01:02:52,000 Speaker 1: single parent doing majority of the work with the baby, 1248 01:02:52,040 --> 01:02:54,000 Speaker 1: this is a tough one. But the baby, he says. 1249 01:02:54,040 --> 01:02:56,040 Speaker 1: He says I'm disrespecting him as a father and that 1250 01:02:56,120 --> 01:02:58,840 Speaker 1: he's working to provide for the house and he's there 1251 01:02:58,960 --> 01:03:01,400 Speaker 1: when he's available. I expressed to him that I'm not 1252 01:03:01,520 --> 01:03:03,840 Speaker 1: trying to disrespect him, but clearly just tell him how 1253 01:03:03,880 --> 01:03:06,800 Speaker 1: I feel, and everything gets spun around to me being 1254 01:03:06,840 --> 01:03:10,480 Speaker 1: at fault since having my baby. He has never she 1255 01:03:10,520 --> 01:03:13,440 Speaker 1: said my baby, y'all baby, but since having my baby, 1256 01:03:13,560 --> 01:03:15,200 Speaker 1: has never checked in with me to see how I'm 1257 01:03:15,240 --> 01:03:18,280 Speaker 1: doing mentally, emotionally inspiration. That's not good. During my pregnancy 1258 01:03:18,320 --> 01:03:22,120 Speaker 1: I suffered with prenatal depression and started therapy. I'm at 1259 01:03:22,120 --> 01:03:24,640 Speaker 1: a point where I'm starting to resent him and just 1260 01:03:24,720 --> 01:03:27,200 Speaker 1: keep my feelings to myself to avoid arguments and all 1261 01:03:27,320 --> 01:03:29,680 Speaker 1: being my fault. I don't know what to do or 1262 01:03:29,760 --> 01:03:33,000 Speaker 1: what to say anymore. Is there any advice you can give? Um? 1263 01:03:33,000 --> 01:03:34,680 Speaker 1: Thank you for all you do for the people in 1264 01:03:34,720 --> 01:03:36,360 Speaker 1: the culture, and I'm so happy for you all to 1265 01:03:36,400 --> 01:03:40,080 Speaker 1: see the growth and success. Caribbean Brooklyn represent much love, 1266 01:03:40,600 --> 01:03:44,200 Speaker 1: Caribbean massive. Wow. This is a difficult one. Difficult one 1267 01:03:44,240 --> 01:03:51,120 Speaker 1: because I know what that feeling is like pregnancy, baby, postpartum, 1268 01:03:51,160 --> 01:03:53,440 Speaker 1: and she had prenatal depression and so chances that are 1269 01:03:53,480 --> 01:03:56,400 Speaker 1: postpartum depression was right around the corner for her regardless. 1270 01:03:57,080 --> 01:04:00,480 Speaker 1: And that lack of sleep makes you crazy, the body 1271 01:04:00,560 --> 01:04:05,080 Speaker 1: healing makes you crazy. The hormonal imbalance and the readjustment 1272 01:04:05,160 --> 01:04:09,280 Speaker 1: makes you even crazier. And it's just really really unfortunate 1273 01:04:09,280 --> 01:04:11,960 Speaker 1: that they don't have someone or a family or a 1274 01:04:12,000 --> 01:04:14,520 Speaker 1: system to or a village to lean on because that's 1275 01:04:15,000 --> 01:04:18,440 Speaker 1: ultimately what got us through these rough patches. But one 1276 01:04:18,440 --> 01:04:20,680 Speaker 1: thing I will say, the vow was deliberate about being 1277 01:04:20,880 --> 01:04:25,520 Speaker 1: with each of my pregnancy, particularly the last three, was 1278 01:04:26,000 --> 01:04:28,840 Speaker 1: very in tune with me, trying to make the atmosphere 1279 01:04:28,880 --> 01:04:30,400 Speaker 1: the best that it could meet for me, for me 1280 01:04:30,480 --> 01:04:34,080 Speaker 1: to be low stress. Um checking in on me, making 1281 01:04:34,080 --> 01:04:38,440 Speaker 1: sure that I was okay mentally physically being one and 1282 01:04:38,240 --> 01:04:40,400 Speaker 1: and but but also too, he was out. You were out, 1283 01:04:40,400 --> 01:04:44,280 Speaker 1: working out, working ridiculous hours. At one point, you were 1284 01:04:44,280 --> 01:04:46,880 Speaker 1: getting up in some mornings five am, a little before 1285 01:04:46,960 --> 01:04:49,720 Speaker 1: five to get to a client. Yeah, to get to 1286 01:04:49,760 --> 01:04:52,600 Speaker 1: a client for five and you'd be in the gym 1287 01:04:52,680 --> 01:04:55,680 Speaker 1: till ten PM. And it was just for me in 1288 01:04:55,760 --> 01:04:58,800 Speaker 1: that moment, just a sacrificial period that I saw it as. 1289 01:04:58,840 --> 01:05:00,240 Speaker 1: But it's easy for me to see it is that 1290 01:05:00,280 --> 01:05:02,560 Speaker 1: because I was able to take a break sometimes by 1291 01:05:02,600 --> 01:05:04,880 Speaker 1: having help from my mom. Well, this is the thing though, 1292 01:05:04,920 --> 01:05:09,360 Speaker 1: I think, Uh, oftentimes when people are in these these situations, 1293 01:05:09,680 --> 01:05:13,560 Speaker 1: they don't recognize what their significant others going through. For example, 1294 01:05:13,600 --> 01:05:15,160 Speaker 1: we had a couple of friends who just recently went 1295 01:05:15,200 --> 01:05:19,440 Speaker 1: through this right and gentlemen are all upstanding gentlemen so 1296 01:05:19,480 --> 01:05:21,520 Speaker 1: when I'm giving you these examples, I'm giving you these 1297 01:05:21,520 --> 01:05:24,360 Speaker 1: examples with dudes who are not douchebags and women who 1298 01:05:24,360 --> 01:05:28,280 Speaker 1: are not just selfish money hungry women. But these are 1299 01:05:28,360 --> 01:05:31,680 Speaker 1: dudes who work work full time jobs, who gave their 1300 01:05:32,400 --> 01:05:35,479 Speaker 1: uh baby's mother or their wives the opportunity to stay 1301 01:05:35,520 --> 01:05:38,720 Speaker 1: home while they provide because they know how difficult it is. 1302 01:05:39,080 --> 01:05:40,720 Speaker 1: Um They also don't have a ton of help, but 1303 01:05:40,760 --> 01:05:44,160 Speaker 1: they've had help. The gentleman often feel like I'm the 1304 01:05:44,160 --> 01:05:46,200 Speaker 1: one waking up early in the morning, I have to 1305 01:05:46,240 --> 01:05:48,840 Speaker 1: be outside the house, away from my child, and providing 1306 01:05:48,880 --> 01:05:53,040 Speaker 1: you with the opportunity to stay home. So I'm giving 1307 01:05:53,040 --> 01:05:56,760 Speaker 1: you a privilege, whereas the women often feel like I'm 1308 01:05:56,800 --> 01:05:58,600 Speaker 1: the only one that has to be up every two 1309 01:05:58,640 --> 01:06:01,560 Speaker 1: and a half hours with this child. Even though I'm home, 1310 01:06:01,640 --> 01:06:04,120 Speaker 1: I never get a chance to sleep. You get a 1311 01:06:04,120 --> 01:06:05,960 Speaker 1: break because you get to go to work and deal 1312 01:06:06,000 --> 01:06:10,440 Speaker 1: with just adults. Right, there's no wrong here. Both can 1313 01:06:10,520 --> 01:06:12,800 Speaker 1: be right at the same time, and both people can 1314 01:06:12,840 --> 01:06:15,400 Speaker 1: also feel the way. This is what you gotta remember, gentlemen. 1315 01:06:16,840 --> 01:06:19,439 Speaker 1: Navy seals go through training, right, and there's a part 1316 01:06:19,440 --> 01:06:21,760 Speaker 1: of the training where they call it sleep deprivation. Training 1317 01:06:22,000 --> 01:06:24,080 Speaker 1: where they make the Navy Seals stay up for thirty 1318 01:06:24,080 --> 01:06:26,960 Speaker 1: six hours, because once you stay up past thirty six hours, 1319 01:06:27,000 --> 01:06:31,520 Speaker 1: your ability to function cognitively starts to discipertate, which means 1320 01:06:31,520 --> 01:06:35,760 Speaker 1: you you are not emotionally or mentally at your best. 1321 01:06:36,360 --> 01:06:38,680 Speaker 1: So imagine being a woman and you've been up every 1322 01:06:38,680 --> 01:06:41,280 Speaker 1: two and a half to three hours for the past 1323 01:06:41,960 --> 01:06:46,280 Speaker 1: I say, six to nine months, and if you're breastfeeding, 1324 01:06:46,320 --> 01:06:49,080 Speaker 1: this is where you are. So realistically, you can't be 1325 01:06:49,160 --> 01:06:54,520 Speaker 1: expected to function at the same cognitive place as your 1326 01:06:54,520 --> 01:06:56,680 Speaker 1: significant other. So when people say, oh, my wife is 1327 01:06:56,720 --> 01:07:00,560 Speaker 1: crazy she postpartum, She's not crazy, bro, She's really going 1328 01:07:00,680 --> 01:07:04,240 Speaker 1: through something, right. So if you understand that as a 1329 01:07:04,280 --> 01:07:07,880 Speaker 1: man first, you approach this differently, meaning what I did, 1330 01:07:08,000 --> 01:07:09,520 Speaker 1: and this is what I talked about all the time. 1331 01:07:10,000 --> 01:07:12,840 Speaker 1: I said, my wife is going to need help. Do 1332 01:07:12,920 --> 01:07:16,480 Speaker 1: I want to live with my mother in law, my mom, 1333 01:07:17,000 --> 01:07:18,880 Speaker 1: my dad, my father in law. Do I want to 1334 01:07:18,880 --> 01:07:22,240 Speaker 1: live with anybody except my wife? No? I want to 1335 01:07:22,280 --> 01:07:24,439 Speaker 1: live with just my wife so we can walk around naked, 1336 01:07:24,480 --> 01:07:25,680 Speaker 1: and do we want to do when the kids? I 1337 01:07:25,760 --> 01:07:27,800 Speaker 1: want to do that. But I do also understand that 1338 01:07:27,840 --> 01:07:29,360 Speaker 1: there's going to be a point in my life where 1339 01:07:29,400 --> 01:07:31,920 Speaker 1: my wife is gonna need help, and even though I 1340 01:07:31,960 --> 01:07:34,680 Speaker 1: can provide her with the space to be at home 1341 01:07:34,680 --> 01:07:37,840 Speaker 1: with the kids all day, that's not necessarily a fucking break. 1342 01:07:38,240 --> 01:07:41,280 Speaker 1: I think I think people think, or men maybe think this, 1343 01:07:41,400 --> 01:07:42,880 Speaker 1: And I think this goes for like even some of 1344 01:07:42,880 --> 01:07:44,760 Speaker 1: our friends who we've had to kind of, you know, 1345 01:07:44,840 --> 01:07:47,919 Speaker 1: talk off the ledgen and some moments recently, they think 1346 01:07:47,920 --> 01:07:50,200 Speaker 1: that because you're outside, you're in the house, that is 1347 01:07:50,240 --> 01:07:52,360 Speaker 1: a break. Yes, Like the fact that you don't have 1348 01:07:52,400 --> 01:07:55,160 Speaker 1: to leave the house. Yes, Like oh, were vacation and 1349 01:07:55,200 --> 01:07:57,200 Speaker 1: now we're just sitting at home chilling all day, watching TV, 1350 01:07:57,320 --> 01:07:59,720 Speaker 1: doing nothing, just watching, just watching the baby. I'll sleep 1351 01:07:59,760 --> 01:08:02,960 Speaker 1: in the baby sleeps. It's virtually impossible to do that. 1352 01:08:03,320 --> 01:08:05,800 Speaker 1: It's virtually impossible. So sorry, I just want to pay 1353 01:08:05,840 --> 01:08:07,840 Speaker 1: you know, I appreciate a part of it, and I 1354 01:08:07,840 --> 01:08:10,200 Speaker 1: want to use that to segue into this too. It's 1355 01:08:10,200 --> 01:08:12,760 Speaker 1: also unfair for a woman to feel like you get 1356 01:08:12,760 --> 01:08:15,720 Speaker 1: a break when you go to work. I never thought 1357 01:08:15,760 --> 01:08:17,360 Speaker 1: that way because I'm like, ship you op just as 1358 01:08:17,400 --> 01:08:20,160 Speaker 1: early as men. You're dealing with people absolutely every day, 1359 01:08:20,200 --> 01:08:21,559 Speaker 1: but a lot of times and may feel like, oh, 1360 01:08:21,600 --> 01:08:22,960 Speaker 1: you get you get a break, you get to go 1361 01:08:23,000 --> 01:08:25,599 Speaker 1: to work. It's like I've been working NonStop. I got 1362 01:08:25,640 --> 01:08:27,240 Speaker 1: up at four in the morning, I had to go 1363 01:08:27,320 --> 01:08:29,160 Speaker 1: to the gym, had to help open the gym. I 1364 01:08:29,200 --> 01:08:31,320 Speaker 1: have clients all day. I was on my feet all day. 1365 01:08:31,360 --> 01:08:33,720 Speaker 1: And in the minute I get back home, you want 1366 01:08:33,720 --> 01:08:35,800 Speaker 1: to throw the baby in my face, say it's your turn. 1367 01:08:36,200 --> 01:08:38,760 Speaker 1: When does that man get a break? And this is 1368 01:08:38,800 --> 01:08:42,160 Speaker 1: where it requires empathy on both parties. No blame blame 1369 01:08:42,520 --> 01:08:44,759 Speaker 1: all right. You both made a choice to have a child. 1370 01:08:45,080 --> 01:08:46,880 Speaker 1: So since you made the choice to have a child, 1371 01:08:46,920 --> 01:08:51,439 Speaker 1: you both have to sacrifice and contribute. Gentlemen, I'm going 1372 01:08:51,479 --> 01:08:54,160 Speaker 1: to give you some of the best advice you've ever heard, 1373 01:08:54,200 --> 01:08:57,559 Speaker 1: because men don't talk about this. If you have the 1374 01:08:57,640 --> 01:09:00,559 Speaker 1: possibility to bring in someone to live with you for 1375 01:09:00,640 --> 01:09:04,280 Speaker 1: at least the first month or two, or at least 1376 01:09:04,320 --> 01:09:07,040 Speaker 1: come over and and be a night nurse like one 1377 01:09:07,080 --> 01:09:10,920 Speaker 1: of our other friends, do do it. Do not say 1378 01:09:11,120 --> 01:09:13,000 Speaker 1: my wife can take care of it because she's gonna 1379 01:09:13,040 --> 01:09:15,559 Speaker 1: be home all day with the kids. I'm giving you 1380 01:09:15,680 --> 01:09:18,519 Speaker 1: some insight that men, we don't talk about this enough. 1381 01:09:19,360 --> 01:09:22,160 Speaker 1: That woman, the person who's home all day with the kids, 1382 01:09:22,439 --> 01:09:25,800 Speaker 1: needs a break. Codeine and I because we travel so much. 1383 01:09:25,840 --> 01:09:28,439 Speaker 1: Her mom is at home with the kids a lot 1384 01:09:28,479 --> 01:09:30,719 Speaker 1: of time. You know, anytimes we come home and be like, yo, 1385 01:09:31,280 --> 01:09:34,200 Speaker 1: mom needs a break. So it's not just about your wife. 1386 01:09:34,280 --> 01:09:36,160 Speaker 1: It's taking care of the people who are in the 1387 01:09:36,240 --> 01:09:39,400 Speaker 1: child care services. So whoever's taking care of your child, 1388 01:09:39,840 --> 01:09:41,799 Speaker 1: if you really want that person to be the nurturer 1389 01:09:41,880 --> 01:09:43,720 Speaker 1: that they need to be in order to have a 1390 01:09:43,720 --> 01:09:46,840 Speaker 1: successfully grown child, you have to give them breaks. It's 1391 01:09:46,920 --> 01:09:49,240 Speaker 1: unfair for you to think that since she's home all day, 1392 01:09:49,400 --> 01:09:51,720 Speaker 1: she's gonna be fine. Now, women, I'm going to give 1393 01:09:51,800 --> 01:09:56,920 Speaker 1: you some advice. Thank you, thank you, because you remember 1394 01:09:56,960 --> 01:10:00,679 Speaker 1: we went you remember we went through that as sure 1395 01:10:00,680 --> 01:10:02,160 Speaker 1: as how I have been in moments when I felt 1396 01:10:02,200 --> 01:10:04,720 Speaker 1: like I could do everything. I still feel like I 1397 01:10:04,720 --> 01:10:08,160 Speaker 1: can do everything, even with assistance in the home, my 1398 01:10:08,240 --> 01:10:10,719 Speaker 1: mother and father being here full time, and I still 1399 01:10:10,760 --> 01:10:13,599 Speaker 1: feel like I can do everything. And even with them 1400 01:10:13,680 --> 01:10:16,640 Speaker 1: here helping to take care of the children, I still 1401 01:10:16,680 --> 01:10:20,639 Speaker 1: with work and children. Had a near breakdown the other 1402 01:10:20,720 --> 01:10:23,840 Speaker 1: day with my husband and our manager, like, I guess 1403 01:10:23,880 --> 01:10:26,600 Speaker 1: I might have to fold now and find someone to 1404 01:10:26,680 --> 01:10:29,519 Speaker 1: assist me, like an assistant, because they're just way too 1405 01:10:29,520 --> 01:10:32,760 Speaker 1: many moving parts on any random giving day. You know, 1406 01:10:32,800 --> 01:10:35,360 Speaker 1: what we have now is a production team that has 1407 01:10:35,760 --> 01:10:39,240 Speaker 1: staff members that need things and need flights and and 1408 01:10:39,280 --> 01:10:41,160 Speaker 1: they're just things that I just don't have the mental 1409 01:10:41,200 --> 01:10:46,960 Speaker 1: capacity to do anymore. To be accepted, right except the help. 1410 01:10:47,840 --> 01:10:51,599 Speaker 1: Be okay with having someone who is trusted to allow 1411 01:10:51,680 --> 01:10:55,080 Speaker 1: you the space to just breathe. Sometimes we talked about 1412 01:10:55,120 --> 01:10:59,160 Speaker 1: it is so necessary. Absolutely feeling like you don't want 1413 01:10:59,160 --> 01:11:01,120 Speaker 1: to let your child is actually a newborn be with 1414 01:11:01,200 --> 01:11:05,360 Speaker 1: someone else. But do yourself, your relationship, and your partner 1415 01:11:05,680 --> 01:11:09,479 Speaker 1: a favor. Allow someone to come help. It's unfair for 1416 01:11:09,520 --> 01:11:12,120 Speaker 1: you as a woman to say I do this all day. 1417 01:11:12,120 --> 01:11:14,479 Speaker 1: Now when you come home, it's your turn. It's un 1418 01:11:14,479 --> 01:11:16,360 Speaker 1: fair for you as a man to say, I'm not 1419 01:11:16,439 --> 01:11:18,720 Speaker 1: going to go go out to work, so you got 1420 01:11:18,760 --> 01:11:20,720 Speaker 1: you gotta stuck doing all of this stuff at home. 1421 01:11:20,960 --> 01:11:23,519 Speaker 1: It's unfair, and it doesn't have to be paid help. 1422 01:11:24,120 --> 01:11:26,639 Speaker 1: If you have friends that you trust, if you have family, 1423 01:11:27,040 --> 01:11:28,880 Speaker 1: don't be afraid to open your mouth and say, listen, 1424 01:11:28,920 --> 01:11:32,000 Speaker 1: I really need a breather for a couple of hours 1425 01:11:32,400 --> 01:11:35,720 Speaker 1: twice a week. You will be shocked what allowing your 1426 01:11:35,720 --> 01:11:38,479 Speaker 1: wife to just get a reprieve and take a nap 1427 01:11:39,040 --> 01:11:41,240 Speaker 1: for four to five hours twice a week will do 1428 01:11:41,400 --> 01:11:44,600 Speaker 1: for her ability to function. And at that time, we 1429 01:11:44,760 --> 01:11:46,559 Speaker 1: when we lived in Brooklyn, we didn't have someone living 1430 01:11:46,560 --> 01:11:49,280 Speaker 1: with us physically only because of the distance. Now that 1431 01:11:49,320 --> 01:11:51,920 Speaker 1: we don't have our family members close by. But man, 1432 01:11:52,040 --> 01:11:53,400 Speaker 1: let me tell you my my mom used to come by. 1433 01:11:53,400 --> 01:11:54,840 Speaker 1: My sister used to come back and be like, yo, 1434 01:11:55,120 --> 01:11:57,280 Speaker 1: I watched the baby for you to take a nap, 1435 01:11:57,800 --> 01:11:59,080 Speaker 1: and then I will find it sometimes like, well, I 1436 01:11:59,080 --> 01:12:01,479 Speaker 1: can nap with the baby. No, no, no, take the 1437 01:12:01,479 --> 01:12:04,559 Speaker 1: baby out the room and get some uninterrupted sleep. If 1438 01:12:04,600 --> 01:12:06,960 Speaker 1: you can arrange the assists for yourself two to three 1439 01:12:07,000 --> 01:12:08,800 Speaker 1: times a week at the very least to start. I 1440 01:12:08,800 --> 01:12:11,760 Speaker 1: know it's hard when you're breastfeeding is all on you. 1441 01:12:11,840 --> 01:12:14,639 Speaker 1: Start pumping, giving some bottles. If you're okay with that, 1442 01:12:15,120 --> 01:12:18,000 Speaker 1: allow other people to help you, because that is very 1443 01:12:18,120 --> 01:12:21,479 Speaker 1: necessary and both of them need to understand that lack 1444 01:12:21,520 --> 01:12:24,360 Speaker 1: of sleep, sleep deprivation thing is real. When people say 1445 01:12:24,360 --> 01:12:26,639 Speaker 1: that pregnant women or women at a postpartum be going 1446 01:12:26,640 --> 01:12:30,080 Speaker 1: through like they just act crazy, it's not them acting crazy. 1447 01:12:30,520 --> 01:12:33,280 Speaker 1: You can't expect the person who's going off of minimal 1448 01:12:33,360 --> 01:12:37,759 Speaker 1: sleep to function as a normal human for the first 1449 01:12:37,880 --> 01:12:41,240 Speaker 1: nine months after having a baby, the hormonal imbalance and 1450 01:12:41,479 --> 01:12:44,080 Speaker 1: balanced forget it. It takes the full nine to twelve 1451 01:12:44,080 --> 01:12:47,759 Speaker 1: months for your hormones even recover to be normal again. 1452 01:12:47,840 --> 01:12:50,599 Speaker 1: And sleep deprivation goes both ways. Because if that man 1453 01:12:50,800 --> 01:12:53,320 Speaker 1: is up at four or forty five to go to 1454 01:12:53,400 --> 01:12:56,160 Speaker 1: work and then he's working until ten pm and then 1455 01:12:56,200 --> 01:12:57,840 Speaker 1: come home and you throw the baby in his face 1456 01:12:57,880 --> 01:12:59,960 Speaker 1: and he doesn't get to bed until twelve one o'clock, 1457 01:13:00,400 --> 01:13:03,480 Speaker 1: now he sleep deprived. So you have to sleep deprived. 1458 01:13:03,520 --> 01:13:07,160 Speaker 1: People looking at each other like that motherfucker crazy, when 1459 01:13:07,160 --> 01:13:11,320 Speaker 1: it's really both of y'all are just exhausted in walks resentment. Yes, 1460 01:13:11,800 --> 01:13:15,479 Speaker 1: that's so, baby, Do yourselves a favor. This is the advice, y'all. 1461 01:13:15,479 --> 01:13:17,639 Speaker 1: Sit down, figure out what type of help you need, 1462 01:13:17,920 --> 01:13:20,320 Speaker 1: Speak to whoever you have in your family to help you, 1463 01:13:20,560 --> 01:13:22,640 Speaker 1: and get it done. Don't try to do it on 1464 01:13:22,680 --> 01:13:25,160 Speaker 1: your own. Don't feel guilty for needing help or asking 1465 01:13:25,160 --> 01:13:27,639 Speaker 1: a requesting for help. Just get the help you need. Baby. 1466 01:13:27,880 --> 01:13:29,720 Speaker 1: That's a fact, all right, y'all. If you want to 1467 01:13:29,720 --> 01:13:31,960 Speaker 1: be featured as one of our listener letters, email us 1468 01:13:32,000 --> 01:13:34,639 Speaker 1: at dead as advice at gmail dot com. We can't 1469 01:13:34,680 --> 01:13:36,600 Speaker 1: wait to hear from you facts. That's d E A 1470 01:13:36,720 --> 01:13:39,160 Speaker 1: D A S S A d V I C E 1471 01:13:39,479 --> 01:13:42,920 Speaker 1: at gmail dot com. All right, and it's time for 1472 01:13:42,960 --> 01:13:52,040 Speaker 1: a moment of truth. We're talking choices today. Everybody getes choices, mistakes, accidents, intentionality, 1473 01:13:52,160 --> 01:13:54,280 Speaker 1: so many words thrown around today. Do you have a 1474 01:13:54,280 --> 01:13:56,720 Speaker 1: moment of truth that the listeners can take away? A 1475 01:13:56,720 --> 01:14:02,240 Speaker 1: little tidbit summarizes everything You get one life. That life 1476 01:14:02,280 --> 01:14:05,680 Speaker 1: is going to be filled with choices. The choices you 1477 01:14:05,720 --> 01:14:08,320 Speaker 1: make are going to determine the trajectory of your life. 1478 01:14:08,880 --> 01:14:11,400 Speaker 1: People often be afraid to make choices because they don't 1479 01:14:11,400 --> 01:14:14,040 Speaker 1: want to make a mistake. There's no such thing as 1480 01:14:14,040 --> 01:14:16,160 Speaker 1: a mistake. There's no such thing as a loss. There's 1481 01:14:16,160 --> 01:14:19,679 Speaker 1: only lessons. You make a decision, you live with whatever 1482 01:14:19,760 --> 01:14:22,360 Speaker 1: decision you make, and whatever you have to do to 1483 01:14:22,479 --> 01:14:25,719 Speaker 1: ascend from that decision, you pivot and get it done. Period. 1484 01:14:25,840 --> 01:14:29,800 Speaker 1: It's simple. It sounds more complex, but it's simple. Make 1485 01:14:29,840 --> 01:14:33,439 Speaker 1: a decision, stick with the decision, and be strong enough 1486 01:14:33,479 --> 01:14:35,880 Speaker 1: to say, whatever the consequences that come with this decision, 1487 01:14:35,920 --> 01:14:38,439 Speaker 1: I'm gonna rock with it. That's how you don't let 1488 01:14:38,479 --> 01:14:44,160 Speaker 1: life happen to you. Same thing in relationships. Make cognitive 1489 01:14:44,280 --> 01:14:47,719 Speaker 1: decisions about how you want your life to be, who 1490 01:14:47,800 --> 01:14:50,280 Speaker 1: you want your life to be with, and you just 1491 01:14:50,479 --> 01:14:53,559 Speaker 1: decide how you're gonna get there. Don't let the dating 1492 01:14:53,600 --> 01:14:56,800 Speaker 1: world happen to you. Don't let the whole internet happen 1493 01:14:56,840 --> 01:15:00,000 Speaker 1: to you. Make decisions for yourself and stick with those decision. 1494 01:15:00,240 --> 01:15:02,920 Speaker 1: That's a fact. Don't let it happen to you. That's 1495 01:15:02,920 --> 01:15:07,759 Speaker 1: a great one. And lastly, when you're thinking about significant others, 1496 01:15:07,840 --> 01:15:10,640 Speaker 1: right and you, before you spew out your mouth that 1497 01:15:10,760 --> 01:15:14,320 Speaker 1: all women or all men act like this, ask yourself 1498 01:15:14,360 --> 01:15:16,479 Speaker 1: if you ever dated all women and all men? And 1499 01:15:16,520 --> 01:15:21,160 Speaker 1: then ask yourself, have my experiences in my life been 1500 01:15:21,200 --> 01:15:23,680 Speaker 1: a product of who I'm dating or who of of 1501 01:15:23,720 --> 01:15:27,559 Speaker 1: who's dating me or who I chose to date? It's 1502 01:15:27,560 --> 01:15:31,120 Speaker 1: the last thing who I chose. To wrap it up, 1503 01:15:31,160 --> 01:15:34,000 Speaker 1: put a bone on him. Y'allus on its day with 1504 01:15:34,120 --> 01:15:36,800 Speaker 1: the moment of truth. Then, I guess the moment of 1505 01:15:36,840 --> 01:15:40,600 Speaker 1: truth is if you're deciding to be how do I 1506 01:15:40,680 --> 01:15:44,360 Speaker 1: put this, If you're deciding to be the backseat driver 1507 01:15:44,920 --> 01:15:47,040 Speaker 1: or the co pilot in this car. First of all, 1508 01:15:47,080 --> 01:15:50,360 Speaker 1: know what you getting in the car with Hey, okay, 1509 01:15:50,600 --> 01:15:52,840 Speaker 1: be okay with that person making a choice and you 1510 01:15:52,960 --> 01:15:56,479 Speaker 1: following their lead. And this is particularly for relationships. And 1511 01:15:56,600 --> 01:15:59,160 Speaker 1: if you're not okay with the car that you're in 1512 01:15:59,240 --> 01:16:02,200 Speaker 1: because of the person and that's driving, getting another car, 1513 01:16:02,479 --> 01:16:06,120 Speaker 1: talk about it, walk talk about take the train, take 1514 01:16:06,160 --> 01:16:09,639 Speaker 1: the bus, talk about it. Get a donkey, talk about it. 1515 01:16:09,960 --> 01:16:12,880 Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying like, don't don't just feel 1516 01:16:12,920 --> 01:16:14,960 Speaker 1: like you have to be trapped in a car, co 1517 01:16:15,200 --> 01:16:18,639 Speaker 1: piloting and backseat drive into some dude to some chick 1518 01:16:18,960 --> 01:16:22,920 Speaker 1: that has you going awry. Never stuck. Focus on what 1519 01:16:22,960 --> 01:16:25,800 Speaker 1: the journey is, Focus on what the task is at hand, 1520 01:16:25,920 --> 01:16:28,400 Speaker 1: and make sure that you were strapped in and co 1521 01:16:28,560 --> 01:16:32,600 Speaker 1: pilot to somebody who's worth that, because if not, baby, 1522 01:16:32,840 --> 01:16:36,000 Speaker 1: there's accidents like car accidents and don't know abody like 1523 01:16:36,040 --> 01:16:38,720 Speaker 1: those neither because you car insurance goes up and then 1524 01:16:38,720 --> 01:16:41,120 Speaker 1: Geico drops you, and then what you're really gonna be 1525 01:16:41,120 --> 01:16:44,280 Speaker 1: on foot or donkey taking this analogy to a hold 1526 01:16:44,280 --> 01:16:47,679 Speaker 1: another level, she told get a donkey, talked about car insurance, 1527 01:16:47,680 --> 01:16:52,000 Speaker 1: shouted out Geico. Geico did not sponsor this, so they 1528 01:16:52,040 --> 01:16:55,080 Speaker 1: sure as much as as freaking car insurance, but nowadays 1529 01:16:55,120 --> 01:16:58,080 Speaker 1: ship exactly. But that's the long story short. And would 1530 01:16:58,280 --> 01:17:00,200 Speaker 1: you in the car with y'all? All right? You know 1531 01:17:00,320 --> 01:17:04,040 Speaker 1: we are going because everybody gets affected that way. All right. 1532 01:17:04,360 --> 01:17:07,320 Speaker 1: We love y'all. Thanks for tuning in for another episode 1533 01:17:07,320 --> 01:17:10,960 Speaker 1: of season nine Dead Ass Podcast and be sure to 1534 01:17:10,960 --> 01:17:14,040 Speaker 1: follow us on social media. Dead as the Podcast is 1535 01:17:14,040 --> 01:17:17,800 Speaker 1: our podcast page and I am Cadine, I am and 1536 01:17:18,000 --> 01:17:20,640 Speaker 1: I am Devout And if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, 1537 01:17:21,000 --> 01:17:27,400 Speaker 1: be sure to rate, review and subscribe. Buckle Up Baby. 1538 01:17:28,560 --> 01:17:31,120 Speaker 1: Dead Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast 1539 01:17:31,200 --> 01:17:34,080 Speaker 1: Network and is produced by the Nora Opinia and Triple 1540 01:17:34,400 --> 01:17:36,880 Speaker 1: Follow the podcast on social media at dead as the 1541 01:17:36,960 --> 01:17:38,479 Speaker 1: Podcasts and never miss a Thing.