1 00:00:00,160 --> 00:00:13,960 Speaker 1: Family Secrets is a production of I Heart Radio. I'm 2 00:00:14,040 --> 00:00:17,200 Speaker 1: Danny Shapiro and welcome to a new bonus episode of 3 00:00:17,239 --> 00:00:20,720 Speaker 1: Family Secrets. As my amazing producers and I are in 4 00:00:20,760 --> 00:00:24,160 Speaker 1: the midst of creating our second season. Blown away by 5 00:00:24,160 --> 00:00:27,400 Speaker 1: the response from millions of listeners from season one, we're 6 00:00:27,440 --> 00:00:30,280 Speaker 1: delivering bonus content to you each week that I hope 7 00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:32,320 Speaker 1: you'll enjoy and that you'll be a part of the 8 00:00:32,360 --> 00:00:36,199 Speaker 1: continuing dialogue we've begun about family secrets in all forms, 9 00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:40,080 Speaker 1: the ways that giving voices to those secrets frees us. 10 00:00:40,920 --> 00:00:43,360 Speaker 1: You might even say that we're in a moment, a 11 00:00:43,520 --> 00:00:49,640 Speaker 1: movement in which secrecy will no longer be possible. I 12 00:00:49,680 --> 00:00:52,280 Speaker 1: want to talk with you guys today about what I've 13 00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:54,600 Speaker 1: been seeing out there as I've criss crossed the country 14 00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:56,960 Speaker 1: over the past months while on book tour from my 15 00:00:57,000 --> 00:01:00,640 Speaker 1: memoir Inheritance. For those of you just listening for the 16 00:01:00,680 --> 00:01:03,840 Speaker 1: first time, Inheritance as a memoir about a discovery I 17 00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:07,080 Speaker 1: made after taking a DNA test that my dad had 18 00:01:07,120 --> 00:01:11,279 Speaker 1: not been my biological father. It turns out that lots 19 00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:14,800 Speaker 1: of people, hundreds of thousands of us each year, are 20 00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:18,920 Speaker 1: making similar discoveries. At my events I've met people who 21 00:01:18,920 --> 00:01:22,560 Speaker 1: have just discovered as adults that they were adopted, people 22 00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:25,000 Speaker 1: who have just discovered they were conceived using a sperm 23 00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:28,680 Speaker 1: donor or an egg donor. People have discovered half siblings 24 00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:32,360 Speaker 1: or even full siblings they never knew existed. Fathers have 25 00:01:32,480 --> 00:01:36,280 Speaker 1: learned of children they hadn't known they had. Birth Parents 26 00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:39,680 Speaker 1: who gave up children for adoption are being discovered by 27 00:01:39,720 --> 00:01:44,560 Speaker 1: those children, and children also discovered by birth parents. The 28 00:01:44,640 --> 00:01:50,280 Speaker 1: list goes on. Now there are no more secrets. Last month, 29 00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:54,280 Speaker 1: I spoke at Harvard Medical School's Center for Bioethics. A 30 00:01:54,360 --> 00:01:56,680 Speaker 1: woman in her sixties raised her hand during the Q 31 00:01:56,840 --> 00:02:00,480 Speaker 1: and a. Her eyes were filled with tears. She had 32 00:02:00,560 --> 00:02:02,880 Speaker 1: just discovered that the father who raised her had not 33 00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:07,640 Speaker 1: been her biological father. She was quaking literally, she trembled 34 00:02:07,680 --> 00:02:11,200 Speaker 1: from head to toe as she spoke. She mentioned the 35 00:02:11,280 --> 00:02:13,840 Speaker 1: name of a nearby Boston hospital where she had been born, 36 00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:16,240 Speaker 1: and she wondered if there might be any one in 37 00:02:16,240 --> 00:02:19,720 Speaker 1: the room who could help her solve the mystery. After 38 00:02:19,760 --> 00:02:23,560 Speaker 1: the event, she was surrounded by people offering her insight, 39 00:02:23,880 --> 00:02:28,040 Speaker 1: support and advice, and after a couple of weeks, she 40 00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:34,720 Speaker 1: found her biological father in Portland, Oregon, A young woman 41 00:02:34,760 --> 00:02:37,760 Speaker 1: approached me on the book signing line. I could tell 42 00:02:37,800 --> 00:02:40,760 Speaker 1: before she said even a single word, that she too, 43 00:02:40,840 --> 00:02:45,280 Speaker 1: had just made a profound discovery. I found my biological father, 44 00:02:45,360 --> 00:02:47,880 Speaker 1: she said. I wrote to him and I got two 45 00:02:47,919 --> 00:02:53,840 Speaker 1: words back. Not interested. In Laguna Beach, a middle aged 46 00:02:53,880 --> 00:02:56,440 Speaker 1: woman clutched the hand of her friend as she said, 47 00:02:57,200 --> 00:03:00,200 Speaker 1: I realized, now I have to tell my thirty year 48 00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:02,640 Speaker 1: old daughter. I have to tell her that the father 49 00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:04,960 Speaker 1: who raised her, who died when she was young, and 50 00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:09,480 Speaker 1: who she worshiped, wasn't her biological father, because I know 51 00:03:10,040 --> 00:03:14,480 Speaker 1: she's going to find out. A man spoke privately to 52 00:03:14,520 --> 00:03:17,240 Speaker 1: me at a Boston bookstore. He and his wife had 53 00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:19,600 Speaker 1: been among the legions of couples who chose not to 54 00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:22,520 Speaker 1: disclose to their daughter that she had been conceived using 55 00:03:22,560 --> 00:03:26,239 Speaker 1: a sperm donor. His daughter found out and now felt 56 00:03:26,520 --> 00:03:30,320 Speaker 1: terribly betrayed. What can I tell her, he asked me. 57 00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:33,920 Speaker 1: How can I help heal her pain? Did it matter 58 00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:38,040 Speaker 1: to you, I asked him. I suddenly felt choked up myself. 59 00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:42,600 Speaker 1: Did it matter that she wasn't your biological child? Of 60 00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:46,000 Speaker 1: course not, he said, of course it had never mattered. 61 00:03:48,040 --> 00:03:51,760 Speaker 1: In ten books I've never had the experience before of 62 00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:55,800 Speaker 1: my events becoming sort of like large scale support groups 63 00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:58,720 Speaker 1: for those who were dealing with family secrets. It's a 64 00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:02,480 Speaker 1: thing of such unex affected beauty. I'm thankful for it 65 00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:07,160 Speaker 1: and humbled by it. One of the side effects of 66 00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:10,080 Speaker 1: learning a secret, or perhaps even of keeping a secret, 67 00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:14,640 Speaker 1: is the feeling of being terribly alone. The shame surrounding 68 00:04:14,680 --> 00:04:17,920 Speaker 1: secrets tells us that we're the only one that no 69 00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:21,120 Speaker 1: one would understand. They were better off just staying quiet 70 00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:25,680 Speaker 1: and powering through. But what I'm seeing and experiencing again 71 00:04:25,720 --> 00:04:28,760 Speaker 1: and again through my own journey and witnessing the journeys 72 00:04:28,760 --> 00:04:32,240 Speaker 1: of others, is that when we tell our stories, when 73 00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:34,760 Speaker 1: we own them, hold them up to the light and 74 00:04:34,839 --> 00:04:39,120 Speaker 1: say this is what happened to me, suddenly all that shame, 75 00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:46,159 Speaker 1: that feeling of otherness, alienation, difference, vanishes. It disappears because 76 00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:49,919 Speaker 1: shame and secrecy can't deal with all that light, with 77 00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:54,200 Speaker 1: all that brightness and clarity, with a beautiful community of 78 00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:58,039 Speaker 1: people all turning toward rather than away from each other 79 00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:03,279 Speaker 1: and saying me too, Me too, I've been there too. 80 00:05:07,360 --> 00:05:09,920 Speaker 1: Over the next couple of months, as we produce season 81 00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:13,880 Speaker 1: two of Family Secrets. I'm also still on tour for Inheritance. 82 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:23,039 Speaker 1: I'll be in New York City, Baltimore, Westchester, Milwaukee, Chicago, Denver, Boulder, Aspen, Atlanta, 83 00:05:23,640 --> 00:05:27,960 Speaker 1: Sun Valley, Idaho, and more. If these are places anywhere 84 00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:31,119 Speaker 1: near you, I hope you'll come, say hi and feel 85 00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:35,279 Speaker 1: for yourself the shift that's happening right here, right now. 86 00:05:50,440 --> 00:05:52,760 Speaker 1: For more podcasts for my Heart Radio, visit the I 87 00:05:52,839 --> 00:05:55,919 Speaker 1: Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to 88 00:05:55,960 --> 00:05:56,760 Speaker 1: your favorite shows.