1 00:00:04,559 --> 00:00:07,960 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, I'm Jemma Spake and welcome back to the 2 00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:11,280 Speaker 1: Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through 3 00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:16,000 Speaker 1: the biggest changes, moments, and transitions of our twenties and 4 00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:25,799 Speaker 1: what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back 5 00:00:25,840 --> 00:00:28,840 Speaker 1: to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. It is 6 00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:33,280 Speaker 1: great to have you here for another episode. Today, let's 7 00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:36,960 Speaker 1: talk about how we are going to get our personalities back. 8 00:00:37,400 --> 00:00:42,199 Speaker 1: How are we going to reclaim who we are from 9 00:00:42,680 --> 00:00:49,320 Speaker 1: the forces of scrolling and over consumption and comparison and distraction. 10 00:00:50,240 --> 00:00:53,519 Speaker 1: I have come to a pretty scary realization over the 11 00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:56,960 Speaker 1: past month that although I may think I know who 12 00:00:56,960 --> 00:01:01,040 Speaker 1: I am, I rarely actually act out the hearts myself 13 00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:05,399 Speaker 1: that I most enjoy or that I pride myself on. 14 00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:12,840 Speaker 1: And because of that, I'm in this like really aimless, lonely, hollow, 15 00:01:12,959 --> 00:01:15,440 Speaker 1: kind of distracted place where like, I don't really know 16 00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:20,000 Speaker 1: who I am anymore. And maybe you've had a similar experience, 17 00:01:20,040 --> 00:01:22,600 Speaker 1: a similar realization. A lot of who we think we 18 00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:25,200 Speaker 1: are is just words, you know, our actions don't always 19 00:01:25,240 --> 00:01:27,840 Speaker 1: reflect it. And if someone was to ask you, you know, 20 00:01:27,880 --> 00:01:30,400 Speaker 1: how would you describe yourself? How do you spend your days, 21 00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:32,560 Speaker 1: What are your hobbies, what do you care about? What 22 00:01:32,600 --> 00:01:35,679 Speaker 1: do you do for fun? A lot of us, you know, 23 00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:37,600 Speaker 1: we may not like to admit it, but we don't 24 00:01:37,600 --> 00:01:40,240 Speaker 1: have an answer. We spend so much of our time 25 00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:46,200 Speaker 1: consuming and scrolling and working that we don't really have 26 00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:49,520 Speaker 1: a clear or at least an executed idea of the 27 00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:53,640 Speaker 1: person that we are. This is how that expresses itself. 28 00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:55,880 Speaker 1: You may not want to acknowledge that this is what's. 29 00:01:55,720 --> 00:01:56,320 Speaker 2: Happening to you. 30 00:01:56,440 --> 00:02:00,400 Speaker 1: But if you are feeling detached, if you are feeling 31 00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:03,480 Speaker 1: an increasing sense of anxiety that you don't know who 32 00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:06,040 Speaker 1: you are, you aren't where you need to be. If 33 00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:11,480 Speaker 1: you feel boredom, loneliness just like despondency in your life, 34 00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:14,679 Speaker 1: if there's like a groundhog day's sense of every day 35 00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:17,800 Speaker 1: being the same, this may be what's happening. You have 36 00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:22,760 Speaker 1: lost your personality and I want to talk about how 37 00:02:22,800 --> 00:02:27,440 Speaker 1: we are going to rediscover it again, using actual psychology, 38 00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:31,800 Speaker 1: evidence based tools and tips that can let us become 39 00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:34,840 Speaker 1: our best selves, or at least discover the parts of ourselves, 40 00:02:34,919 --> 00:02:39,200 Speaker 1: rediscover the parts of ourselves that we really really like. 41 00:02:39,880 --> 00:02:42,960 Speaker 1: You are not alone in this experience. Trust me and 42 00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:47,440 Speaker 1: investing in getting your personality back, finding what you care 43 00:02:47,560 --> 00:02:50,720 Speaker 1: about and what makes you want to strive, I think 44 00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:54,959 Speaker 1: will mend a lot of like the deep psychological I 45 00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:59,799 Speaker 1: don't want to say holes, like wounds, psychological deficiencies that 46 00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:03,160 Speaker 1: so many of us are experiencing on a daily basis. 47 00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:06,520 Speaker 1: So we are going to run through seven tips for 48 00:03:06,600 --> 00:03:08,880 Speaker 1: how I've done this, how I've seen other people do this, 49 00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:12,359 Speaker 1: how they've reconnected with the best parts of themselves that 50 00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:15,560 Speaker 1: they've maybe lost. I'm really excited for this episode. Without 51 00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:23,640 Speaker 1: further ado, let's jump into it. So you guys know, 52 00:03:23,720 --> 00:03:27,120 Speaker 1: one of my favorite quotes of all time comes from 53 00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:31,760 Speaker 1: Kao Yung. It is that the privilege of a lifetime 54 00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:36,360 Speaker 1: is to become who you truly are. That is your mission, 55 00:03:36,480 --> 00:03:39,440 Speaker 1: even when everything else feels really scary. If you are 56 00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:44,520 Speaker 1: at least discovering new facets and sides to yourself, you 57 00:03:44,720 --> 00:03:48,480 Speaker 1: are you're doing something right now. Becoming who you are 58 00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:52,920 Speaker 1: means kind of understanding who you've been shaped into so far, 59 00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:56,880 Speaker 1: and then how you want to shape yourself from here 60 00:03:56,920 --> 00:04:00,600 Speaker 1: on out deliberately or what you want to become. And 61 00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:02,040 Speaker 1: that is the part that is up to you, And 62 00:04:02,080 --> 00:04:05,160 Speaker 1: that is the part that requires effort and like a 63 00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:09,440 Speaker 1: mindset shift. People really assume that your personality is like 64 00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:13,920 Speaker 1: what you are essentially born with. It's so natural to 65 00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:16,400 Speaker 1: us that you just you fall into it, you remain 66 00:04:16,440 --> 00:04:18,440 Speaker 1: in it. You don't have to work on it. It 67 00:04:18,520 --> 00:04:23,200 Speaker 1: is God given, predetermined, and to some degree that is right. 68 00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:25,800 Speaker 1: You know, there is a part of us that just 69 00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:30,320 Speaker 1: seems to like exist without influence. There is our natural 70 00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:34,039 Speaker 1: temperament which often remains quite stable. Some of us have 71 00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:36,960 Speaker 1: talents that we were like simply born with and there's 72 00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:40,599 Speaker 1: like no other explanation for it. But it's also a 73 00:04:40,600 --> 00:04:44,359 Speaker 1: lot more complex than that. Essentially, personality and our self 74 00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:47,120 Speaker 1: concept which is basically just a fancy word for how 75 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:50,520 Speaker 1: we see ourselves in our mind's eye, it comes down 76 00:04:50,640 --> 00:04:56,640 Speaker 1: to a few things. Genetics the blueprint is one component. 77 00:04:57,120 --> 00:05:00,360 Speaker 1: According to a twenty twenty study published in Nature that 78 00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:03,560 Speaker 1: looked at twins, which is like the highest standard for 79 00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:08,160 Speaker 1: these kinds of studies, human personality is around forty to 80 00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:12,320 Speaker 1: sixty percent heritable. Forty to sixty percent of who you 81 00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:15,640 Speaker 1: are in some way comes down to who your parents 82 00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:19,640 Speaker 1: are or you know, the DNA that you have inherited 83 00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:23,279 Speaker 1: forty to sixty percent, though, is like a pretty big margin. 84 00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:25,839 Speaker 1: Like that's that shows that we don't really have that 85 00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:29,200 Speaker 1: much of an accurate estimate, because a twenty percent could 86 00:05:29,240 --> 00:05:32,000 Speaker 1: go this way, could go that way. Is I don't know, 87 00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:34,520 Speaker 1: not something I want to stake my odds on. I 88 00:05:34,640 --> 00:05:37,240 Speaker 1: like to sup put the difference. Let's say fifty percent. 89 00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:41,400 Speaker 1: Fifty percent of who you are is you know, genetics, 90 00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:45,080 Speaker 1: is your parents is DNA. Another thirty percent has to 91 00:05:45,120 --> 00:05:52,000 Speaker 1: do with environment, so gender, culture, personal experiences, upbringing, education, country, trauma, 92 00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:57,599 Speaker 1: those kinds of things. That leaves twenty percent or probably 93 00:05:57,640 --> 00:06:04,080 Speaker 1: more that is entirely up to you. And that final part, 94 00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:10,279 Speaker 1: that final twenty percent, acts with great intensity on the 95 00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:14,679 Speaker 1: remaining eighty percent, and I think it basically determines how 96 00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:20,680 Speaker 1: all those other factors environment, upbringing, genetics is expressed. So 97 00:06:21,040 --> 00:06:24,239 Speaker 1: basically what I'm trying to say is that your choice 98 00:06:24,320 --> 00:06:26,839 Speaker 1: is to do with your personality and how you feel 99 00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:29,680 Speaker 1: about yourself and how you want your personality to be expressed. 100 00:06:30,440 --> 00:06:32,520 Speaker 1: That at the end of the day, accounts couldn't end 101 00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:34,719 Speaker 1: up accounting for one hundred percent of who you actually become, 102 00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:39,080 Speaker 1: how you go about your personality and your life. Yes, 103 00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:41,320 Speaker 1: it might not be able to change the past or 104 00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:46,160 Speaker 1: change your genetic blueprint, but it can change how you 105 00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:50,200 Speaker 1: approach all those other factors. Maybe the reason you've lost 106 00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:54,000 Speaker 1: yourself is because up until this point, you've let your 107 00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:58,520 Speaker 1: personality simply be the byproduct of the things you have 108 00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:03,359 Speaker 1: no control over and have simply accepted. Now you're at 109 00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:06,120 Speaker 1: a stage where you're noticing that that's maybe harmful and 110 00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:08,720 Speaker 1: you don't feel good anymore. But you're also at a 111 00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:11,440 Speaker 1: stage where you can actually put in the work and 112 00:07:11,480 --> 00:07:13,840 Speaker 1: you can approach your personality and the parts of you 113 00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:16,880 Speaker 1: that you feel you've become disconnected from in a very 114 00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:21,120 Speaker 1: proactive manner. So with all of that in mind, let's 115 00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:25,800 Speaker 1: get into my number one tip. Number one, go back 116 00:07:26,040 --> 00:07:31,600 Speaker 1: to a simpler time. I read this amazing idea the 117 00:07:31,640 --> 00:07:35,640 Speaker 1: other day. You don't lose your personality, You freeze it. 118 00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:43,800 Speaker 1: Somewhere between childhood and adulthood. You just suddenly, you just 119 00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:46,280 Speaker 1: suddenly stop doing all the things that you loved. You know, 120 00:07:46,880 --> 00:07:49,720 Speaker 1: at some stage you played for the last time. At 121 00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:53,120 Speaker 1: some stage you made up imaginary worlds for the last time. 122 00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:56,440 Speaker 1: You stopped crafting on the weekends. Remember when you were. 123 00:07:56,360 --> 00:07:59,320 Speaker 2: A kid and you'd be like you know what, Today's 124 00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:01,200 Speaker 2: the day I learned how to make lemonade, or like 125 00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:04,680 Speaker 2: today's day that I write a song, Today's the day 126 00:08:04,760 --> 00:08:07,320 Speaker 2: that I run around the neighborhood with my friends. 127 00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:10,920 Speaker 1: We don't do that anymore. We just spend seven hours 128 00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:15,480 Speaker 1: a day on TikTok, consuming other people's lives whilst they 129 00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:19,120 Speaker 1: perform for us, pretending they have lives of their own. 130 00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:23,400 Speaker 1: A part of us that used to come alive during 131 00:08:23,480 --> 00:08:27,680 Speaker 1: those moments, during those times of childhood wondering delight has 132 00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:33,240 Speaker 1: become frozen by inactivity and a lack of use. But 133 00:08:33,320 --> 00:08:37,160 Speaker 1: what that means is that doing what your childhood or 134 00:08:37,160 --> 00:08:41,040 Speaker 1: younger self enjoyed most is probably how you're going to 135 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:45,080 Speaker 1: find the missing piece of your personality that you're looking for, 136 00:08:45,679 --> 00:08:48,000 Speaker 1: the piece that you kind of left in the past. 137 00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:52,600 Speaker 1: You've got to start doing the things that you used 138 00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:56,679 Speaker 1: to love doing as a child again as an adult 139 00:08:57,200 --> 00:09:01,880 Speaker 1: and finding your way back to that joy that you had, 140 00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:05,320 Speaker 1: and that just like pure interest, so much of who 141 00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:09,800 Speaker 1: we are is just like so raw and visible when 142 00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:13,400 Speaker 1: we are children, because because of the very psychological nature 143 00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:17,400 Speaker 1: of childhood itself, you know, our little minds are open 144 00:09:17,440 --> 00:09:20,920 Speaker 1: to so much. We have such a natural curiosity. But 145 00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:25,480 Speaker 1: as children we also follow the path of natural enjoyment 146 00:09:25,559 --> 00:09:30,960 Speaker 1: with incredible ease because there's less, if not nothing, stopping 147 00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:33,400 Speaker 1: you from doing that. You know, for example, a child 148 00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:36,640 Speaker 1: who loves art can make art all weaken and just 149 00:09:36,760 --> 00:09:38,520 Speaker 1: enjoy it because they don't have to worry about it 150 00:09:38,559 --> 00:09:42,120 Speaker 1: being good. They don't have to worry hopefully about obligation. 151 00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:44,440 Speaker 1: Some children do, but hopefully they don't have to worry 152 00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:47,600 Speaker 1: about getting dinner ready, or you know, how exhausted they 153 00:09:47,600 --> 00:09:50,679 Speaker 1: are from work or fomo or all the other things 154 00:09:50,679 --> 00:09:53,720 Speaker 1: they could be doing with their time productivity. You know, 155 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:56,920 Speaker 1: a child who loves reading just feels the positive reward 156 00:09:57,080 --> 00:10:01,480 Speaker 1: of reading without thinking if it's productive, without thinking if 157 00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:07,440 Speaker 1: other people think it's cool. It's the natural flow of 158 00:10:07,679 --> 00:10:12,000 Speaker 1: joy that is uninterrupted by adult judgments, uninterrupted by adult 159 00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:16,720 Speaker 1: frustrations and realism and responsibilities. That is why we probably 160 00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:20,760 Speaker 1: felt most like ourselves when we were small, and it 161 00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:23,280 Speaker 1: really reflects a lot of what we know about in 162 00:10:23,360 --> 00:10:26,720 Speaker 1: a child healing and play and connecting with our younger 163 00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:31,080 Speaker 1: selves as a path to authenticity in adulthoods So that's 164 00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:33,360 Speaker 1: where I need you to return. Find an activity you 165 00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:35,760 Speaker 1: loved as a child, the one you can remember enjoying 166 00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:39,120 Speaker 1: the most, doing the most, and incorporate it into your 167 00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:42,640 Speaker 1: daily routine. In fact, literally put it on your to 168 00:10:42,679 --> 00:10:44,560 Speaker 1: do list at first, you know, the way that you 169 00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:48,440 Speaker 1: would put personal hygiene, or your fitness routine, or your 170 00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:51,280 Speaker 1: work priorities on your to do list. You know you 171 00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:55,840 Speaker 1: are fighting back against some pretty powerful forces here who 172 00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:59,080 Speaker 1: want to distract you from your personality your phone. Your 173 00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:04,160 Speaker 1: phone is a literal slot machine in your pocket. Busy schedules, exhaustion, 174 00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:08,320 Speaker 1: the pressure to work more. You can't fight those forces randomly. 175 00:11:08,440 --> 00:11:11,160 Speaker 1: You need a plan. You need to make it a priority, 176 00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:14,480 Speaker 1: to paint a priority to play the piano, to make lego, 177 00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:17,720 Speaker 1: to go play sports, to craft, make sure it's on 178 00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:19,400 Speaker 1: your to do list. And if you want to go 179 00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:22,400 Speaker 1: even smaller and you want to really reconnect with that 180 00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:24,840 Speaker 1: inner child version of you who felt most pure and 181 00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:28,960 Speaker 1: like yourself, even just listen to your favorite childhood music 182 00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:31,079 Speaker 1: on your way to work, or on your commute or 183 00:11:31,120 --> 00:11:35,640 Speaker 1: when you cook dinner. Music is actually a deeply emotional trigger, 184 00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:39,880 Speaker 1: and listening to nostalgic music can actually cue a similar 185 00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:43,920 Speaker 1: mindset to the time you first heard the song therefore 186 00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:47,120 Speaker 1: really bringing you back to that simpler time and bringing 187 00:11:47,160 --> 00:11:51,920 Speaker 1: back with it that same attitude, spirit, feeling, sense of 188 00:11:52,520 --> 00:11:56,800 Speaker 1: authenticity as long as you make it a priority. This 189 00:11:57,080 --> 00:12:00,640 Speaker 1: brings me to tip number two. Make sure that you 190 00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:04,840 Speaker 1: are fulfilling one of your core soul needs per day. 191 00:12:05,559 --> 00:12:08,480 Speaker 1: Soul needs are the spiritual things you do to fill 192 00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:11,640 Speaker 1: your cup purely by feeling human. It doesn't have to 193 00:12:11,640 --> 00:12:15,839 Speaker 1: be productive. It's purely by practicing the things that make 194 00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:19,040 Speaker 1: us unlike anything else on the planet. And when I 195 00:12:19,080 --> 00:12:21,640 Speaker 1: say spiritual, I don't mean religious. I don't mean prayer. 196 00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:23,720 Speaker 1: I like that can be part of it for you. 197 00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:26,680 Speaker 1: I mean the stuff that makes you feel like you 198 00:12:26,760 --> 00:12:31,520 Speaker 1: literally you have a soul. These include adventure and curiosity 199 00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:35,920 Speaker 1: that is a soul need. Playfulness and silliness, being seen 200 00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:41,920 Speaker 1: and kinship, humor and laughter, deep enjoyment or indulgence, you know, 201 00:12:42,040 --> 00:12:45,960 Speaker 1: really spending extra time making your dinner, feeling the warmth 202 00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:48,240 Speaker 1: of the sun, spending an extra five minutes in bed, 203 00:12:48,880 --> 00:12:52,920 Speaker 1: sex or deep physical connection with yourself for others, or 204 00:12:53,559 --> 00:12:57,240 Speaker 1: and creating something that didn't exist this morning. So those 205 00:12:57,720 --> 00:13:01,679 Speaker 1: are some of your soul needs. Your soul needs are 206 00:13:01,679 --> 00:13:07,559 Speaker 1: the things that make you sentient, alive feeling. Specifically, though 207 00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:11,120 Speaker 1: they make you feel not like a machine. Often we 208 00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:16,120 Speaker 1: lose our personalities because we do craft our daily lives 209 00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:19,640 Speaker 1: to reflect that more of a machine and machines they 210 00:13:19,679 --> 00:13:23,280 Speaker 1: don't have personalities, like AI doesn't have a personality, a 211 00:13:23,320 --> 00:13:27,319 Speaker 1: truck doesn't have a personality, A lawn mower, a typewriter 212 00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:30,720 Speaker 1: doesn't have a personality unless we as humans, this anient 213 00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:36,040 Speaker 1: creatures apply onto them. So how can you expect yourself 214 00:13:36,880 --> 00:13:38,960 Speaker 1: to have a personality? How can you expect yourself to 215 00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:41,199 Speaker 1: know who you are if you act like a machine. 216 00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:45,080 Speaker 1: If your daily life is get up, plug in, commute, water, eat, 217 00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:49,360 Speaker 1: operate in outproduce, go home, turn off, that's really what 218 00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:51,880 Speaker 1: like the daily like daily life is trying to push 219 00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:55,840 Speaker 1: us into becoming, or is incidentally pushing us into becoming, 220 00:13:56,720 --> 00:14:00,600 Speaker 1: you have to act out against that. There was a 221 00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:07,120 Speaker 1: recent paper I read about burnout due to monotony, not 222 00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:11,000 Speaker 1: just excess work, that was so fascinating. You know, we 223 00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:13,760 Speaker 1: typically think of burnout as just having too much on 224 00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:17,480 Speaker 1: your plate, having too much going on. Essentially, what this 225 00:14:17,559 --> 00:14:22,080 Speaker 1: paper was saying that actually making your life too simplistic 226 00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:27,800 Speaker 1: and having too much routine can be psychologically harmful and 227 00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:31,760 Speaker 1: can become actually quite exhausting and destructive. Routine can be 228 00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:34,880 Speaker 1: really protective only up to a point when there is 229 00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:37,480 Speaker 1: no room for soul. When there is no room for 230 00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:42,080 Speaker 1: deviation from your routine, that's why we end up losing ourselves. 231 00:14:42,160 --> 00:14:45,400 Speaker 1: So your soul needs I need you to add them 232 00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:47,480 Speaker 1: back into your life. I need you to sprinkle them 233 00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:51,520 Speaker 1: back into your life like your childhood activities. I also 234 00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:54,160 Speaker 1: will say this is probably the quickest tip of all 235 00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:58,080 Speaker 1: on this list. Fulfill one soul, need a day for 236 00:14:58,160 --> 00:15:03,560 Speaker 1: a month, hit any categories as you can, and I 237 00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:07,200 Speaker 1: promise money back guarantee. Right here you will be feeling 238 00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:10,160 Speaker 1: honestly brand new. You will be feeling better than ever. 239 00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:13,120 Speaker 1: You will like. People will notice the difference in you. 240 00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:16,240 Speaker 1: They will see something shining out of you that they 241 00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:18,040 Speaker 1: haven't seen for a while, or that you haven't seen 242 00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:23,160 Speaker 1: or felt for a while either. Okay, we are going 243 00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:26,400 Speaker 1: to take a short break here before we return for 244 00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:37,360 Speaker 1: our next three tips, so stay with us. This next 245 00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:43,040 Speaker 1: strategy is one that I frequently rely on in my 246 00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:48,000 Speaker 1: own I guess emotional psychological toolbox. I've spoken about it 247 00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:49,840 Speaker 1: on the podcast before. I just have to mention it 248 00:15:49,880 --> 00:15:52,880 Speaker 1: again because it is so important for people to know. 249 00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:57,000 Speaker 1: This is my question for you. Do you ever feel 250 00:15:57,200 --> 00:16:00,000 Speaker 1: like you are your best self when you are traveling? 251 00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:03,640 Speaker 1: You are your best self when you are on holiday, 252 00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:07,600 Speaker 1: and suddenly you have like all of these crazy ideas 253 00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:13,200 Speaker 1: for projects, businesses, a rebrand. Do you find that, like, 254 00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:16,640 Speaker 1: you are so much more productive when you study at 255 00:16:16,680 --> 00:16:20,640 Speaker 1: the library or at your national or institutional library rather 256 00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:24,280 Speaker 1: than the one that you typically study at, Or that 257 00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:27,120 Speaker 1: you are so much more productive after a hike, after 258 00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:30,600 Speaker 1: you've been outdoors. These are all leading questions. You're probably 259 00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:35,120 Speaker 1: gonna say yes. What you are experiencing in this moment 260 00:16:35,240 --> 00:16:40,480 Speaker 1: is the psychological power of geographical novelty, specifically the power 261 00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:45,240 Speaker 1: of a new environment. This is somewhat similar to our 262 00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:48,080 Speaker 1: last tip, but it focuses mainly on like your location. 263 00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:50,800 Speaker 1: If you want to get your personality back, like you've 264 00:16:50,800 --> 00:16:54,520 Speaker 1: got to be putting yourself in new environments. There is 265 00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:59,760 Speaker 1: this fantastic could not recommend enough series of research by 266 00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:02,840 Speaker 1: the research as David Gonzalez and his team that they 267 00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:05,720 Speaker 1: conducted between I think it was like late two thousand 268 00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:11,000 Speaker 1: and two thousand teens, like twenty seventeen twenty eighteen, where 269 00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:17,240 Speaker 1: they essentially explored the importance of novelty for our memory, 270 00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:22,040 Speaker 1: for our neural health, and crucially for our personality. And 271 00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:25,800 Speaker 1: they found that when looking at like thousands of people, 272 00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:30,200 Speaker 1: literally thousands of people of all ages, all ethnicities or 273 00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:35,680 Speaker 1: cultures or genders, those who had novel experiences, those who 274 00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:42,399 Speaker 1: put themselves in new environments, tried new things, tried food, music, movies, 275 00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:46,600 Speaker 1: were so much happier, and they also had a deeper 276 00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:50,800 Speaker 1: sense of personal enlightenment and they knew who they were. 277 00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:56,480 Speaker 1: For example, one twenty seventeen study in particular observed production 278 00:17:56,600 --> 00:18:00,280 Speaker 1: workers who were given novel tasks once a shift, and 279 00:18:00,320 --> 00:18:04,160 Speaker 1: they found that afterwards, these people felt better about themselves. 280 00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:07,919 Speaker 1: They had more gray matter in their brains compared to 281 00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:11,239 Speaker 1: those who didn't have these novel experiences, who didn't have 282 00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:15,639 Speaker 1: to solve unfamiliar problems. What that means for you is 283 00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:20,760 Speaker 1: give yourself new curious challenges, Get into new spaces, get 284 00:18:20,760 --> 00:18:24,000 Speaker 1: into new environments wherever you can, different routes to work, 285 00:18:24,560 --> 00:18:27,280 Speaker 1: walk a different way to work every single day, just 286 00:18:27,320 --> 00:18:30,879 Speaker 1: for fun, studying in a new library, going to a 287 00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:34,320 Speaker 1: different coffee shop rather than your favorite, Even like watching 288 00:18:34,359 --> 00:18:36,600 Speaker 1: something new at night instead of the same episode of 289 00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:40,080 Speaker 1: the Office for like the fifth time in a row, 290 00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:43,439 Speaker 1: which I'm very much guilty of. You know, the reason 291 00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:46,280 Speaker 1: this is helpful for getting our personality back is because 292 00:18:46,720 --> 00:18:50,720 Speaker 1: it ensures that our brains remain plastic and adaptable. Your 293 00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:55,000 Speaker 1: brain was built for newness. It was built to be 294 00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:59,240 Speaker 1: challenged and inspired by the world, to taste berries, to 295 00:18:59,359 --> 00:19:03,479 Speaker 1: experience or to meet new people, to see new types 296 00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:07,440 Speaker 1: of trees. And when it doesn't get that, I kind 297 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:10,159 Speaker 1: of imagine it like turns into like a zoo animal 298 00:19:10,200 --> 00:19:13,920 Speaker 1: of sorts, like a tiger, you know, pacing up and down, 299 00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:16,760 Speaker 1: pacing up and down its cage, kind of trapped in 300 00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:20,680 Speaker 1: by the by the boringness of things. And you will 301 00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:23,880 Speaker 1: feel the difference in the wiring of your brain. When 302 00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:29,400 Speaker 1: you make this a priority. Your brain moves from stagnant 303 00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:33,159 Speaker 1: and bored, like you know, a river with no flow, 304 00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:38,439 Speaker 1: to like expansive and rushing and curious and fresh. I 305 00:19:38,520 --> 00:19:40,800 Speaker 1: just think it is like one of the easiest things 306 00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:45,080 Speaker 1: you could do tomorrow to feel more like yourself, just 307 00:19:45,119 --> 00:19:48,240 Speaker 1: by like opening your brain up a little bit more 308 00:19:48,400 --> 00:19:51,760 Speaker 1: to the world. Okay, Tip number four. You will start 309 00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:54,080 Speaker 1: to see a theme here at this point, have a 310 00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:58,840 Speaker 1: completely unproductive goal and make it really really random, like 311 00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:04,040 Speaker 1: totally we totally separate from everything else you're doing in life. 312 00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:06,520 Speaker 1: You can call it a side quest, a side quest 313 00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:12,159 Speaker 1: if you will, that will take effort and time, but 314 00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:18,480 Speaker 1: does not feel exhausting nor productive or like productive in 315 00:20:18,920 --> 00:20:21,120 Speaker 1: one sense of the world. Let me kind of explain 316 00:20:21,160 --> 00:20:23,000 Speaker 1: what I mean by this. Let me give you some 317 00:20:23,080 --> 00:20:25,840 Speaker 1: examples of what I mean by these side quests or 318 00:20:25,840 --> 00:20:31,400 Speaker 1: these unproductive goals. For example, read five biographies about artists 319 00:20:31,520 --> 00:20:36,200 Speaker 1: you admire. Memorize all one hundred and ninety six flags, 320 00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:40,560 Speaker 1: go to every museum in the town city place where 321 00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:43,919 Speaker 1: you live before the end of the year. Paint a 322 00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:45,879 Speaker 1: portrait for every single one of your friends by the 323 00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:48,720 Speaker 1: end of the year. Learn how to make your own clothes. 324 00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:53,040 Speaker 1: You know, the best example of this is if you've 325 00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:56,480 Speaker 1: read the book Slash seen the movie Julian Julia, where 326 00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:58,960 Speaker 1: this woman basically is like, I'm going to cook my 327 00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:03,159 Speaker 1: way through a Julia Child cookbook in one year. That 328 00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:06,080 Speaker 1: is a great example. That is an you know, I 329 00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:10,240 Speaker 1: hate using the word unproductive, but unproductive for her other ambitions, 330 00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:16,440 Speaker 1: an unproductive goal that still feels nourishing and is difficult. 331 00:21:16,680 --> 00:21:19,800 Speaker 1: I think the core element of this is that it 332 00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:22,720 Speaker 1: adds a bit of whimsy and a lack of seriousness 333 00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:27,320 Speaker 1: back into your life, whilst still asking you to strive 334 00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:31,000 Speaker 1: in a direction that you normally don't. All of those 335 00:21:31,119 --> 00:21:34,040 Speaker 1: weird goals I gave you like they are achievable with effort. 336 00:21:34,320 --> 00:21:38,320 Speaker 1: They also tap into something we've really been discussing this 337 00:21:38,359 --> 00:21:41,840 Speaker 1: whole episode, which is like a sense of wonder and 338 00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:46,840 Speaker 1: a humanness and a curiosity that we've probably lost along 339 00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:51,119 Speaker 1: the way at some point. What is the psychological justification 340 00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:55,480 Speaker 1: for this? The psychological justification for setting an unproductive goal 341 00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:59,360 Speaker 1: as a means to reconnect with your personality is that 342 00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:06,800 Speaker 1: it's diversifying your personality the way people diversify investments. It's 343 00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:10,640 Speaker 1: ensuring that you have multiple avenues, multiple streams through which 344 00:22:11,040 --> 00:22:14,600 Speaker 1: you are able to investigate and explore and see yourself. 345 00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:17,600 Speaker 1: You cannot be defined by one thing, one thing like 346 00:22:17,720 --> 00:22:22,440 Speaker 1: work or study or your business and think that that's 347 00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:26,240 Speaker 1: going to deliver your happy life. In our twenties, particularly, 348 00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:30,880 Speaker 1: you know, there is this major emphasis on being focused, selective, 349 00:22:31,520 --> 00:22:36,960 Speaker 1: choosing one path to specialize in, whether it's choosing a 350 00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:42,000 Speaker 1: major choosing a sport, choosing your hobby, choosing a literal 351 00:22:42,119 --> 00:22:45,240 Speaker 1: career path, and just like being on that until you retire, 352 00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:48,720 Speaker 1: basically concentrating all your effort on one thing for the 353 00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:52,800 Speaker 1: next forty to fifty years. You know, even I feel 354 00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:55,280 Speaker 1: like at times I am guilty of that, because having 355 00:22:55,280 --> 00:22:59,480 Speaker 1: that focus does bring results. But does it make you 356 00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:01,600 Speaker 1: feel al if you have nothing else going on in 357 00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:03,560 Speaker 1: your life? Does it make you feel connected to who 358 00:23:03,560 --> 00:23:08,040 Speaker 1: you are? Let's be honest, not all the time. We 359 00:23:08,160 --> 00:23:12,280 Speaker 1: get that laser focus and everything else fades away. And 360 00:23:12,359 --> 00:23:17,040 Speaker 1: so what happens? What happens when things when that thing 361 00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:22,080 Speaker 1: isn't satisfying anymore? What happens when you get fired? What 362 00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:25,920 Speaker 1: happens when you want to change? When the main focus 363 00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:30,240 Speaker 1: drops off, you're kind of left with like a bit 364 00:23:30,240 --> 00:23:34,760 Speaker 1: of a wasteland. You're left contemplating who you are, and 365 00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:40,000 Speaker 1: life feels very narrow because it's almost like there's going 366 00:23:40,040 --> 00:23:43,800 Speaker 1: to be a weird metaphor. It's almost like you've put 367 00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:47,920 Speaker 1: these glasses on that narrow your focus, and then you 368 00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:50,080 Speaker 1: take them off, and you expect your eye to suddenly 369 00:23:50,119 --> 00:23:52,359 Speaker 1: be able to see what's out on the on the 370 00:23:52,400 --> 00:23:55,679 Speaker 1: periphery and what's out all around despite not giving it 371 00:23:55,720 --> 00:23:58,040 Speaker 1: the opportunity to for many, many years. And now that 372 00:23:58,080 --> 00:24:01,200 Speaker 1: I'm saying it sounds like a stupid analogy, but that's 373 00:24:01,240 --> 00:24:02,639 Speaker 1: just how I see it in my mind. Of like 374 00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:06,240 Speaker 1: you're literally blinding yourself to everything else by not giving 375 00:24:06,440 --> 00:24:09,200 Speaker 1: your eyes, or your vision or your personality the opportunity 376 00:24:09,280 --> 00:24:12,880 Speaker 1: to explore. That's why I need you to be collecting 377 00:24:12,920 --> 00:24:19,080 Speaker 1: these side quests. Consider it personality insurance. If the things 378 00:24:19,119 --> 00:24:24,920 Speaker 1: you typically base your personality on, work, relationships, accolades, praise, passion, 379 00:24:25,480 --> 00:24:31,080 Speaker 1: if those things fade, they become exhausting. This way, you'll 380 00:24:31,119 --> 00:24:33,920 Speaker 1: still know who you are, and you'll still be able 381 00:24:33,920 --> 00:24:35,800 Speaker 1: to connect with the deeper part of you because you're 382 00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:39,840 Speaker 1: expressing yourself elsewhere in a way that feels meaningful, in 383 00:24:39,880 --> 00:24:42,639 Speaker 1: a way that doesn't feel tied to anything to do 384 00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:45,000 Speaker 1: with your career or work or those kind of things 385 00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:47,879 Speaker 1: of importance. It's just something you're doing and want to 386 00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:50,240 Speaker 1: give it and want to give a red hot go. 387 00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:54,560 Speaker 2: Actually I had this as a fifth tip, this next one, 388 00:24:54,600 --> 00:24:58,000 Speaker 2: but I think it may come under this one. 389 00:24:58,720 --> 00:25:01,040 Speaker 1: So I'm just going to include it here. My fifth 390 00:25:01,080 --> 00:25:02,879 Speaker 1: tip was going to be such kind of still is 391 00:25:03,280 --> 00:25:07,640 Speaker 1: to start journaling, specifically, commit to a year of junk journaling. 392 00:25:08,560 --> 00:25:11,240 Speaker 1: Talk about life changing micro habits, this one is it. 393 00:25:11,640 --> 00:25:16,600 Speaker 1: I started junk journaling recently after my friend Sally recommended 394 00:25:16,600 --> 00:25:19,760 Speaker 1: it to me. The most beautiful woman on the planet 395 00:25:20,119 --> 00:25:24,840 Speaker 1: of this earth, She's just like remarkable. And I had 396 00:25:24,840 --> 00:25:27,280 Speaker 1: this conversation with her middle of last year where I 397 00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:29,280 Speaker 1: was like, Sally, like. 398 00:25:29,200 --> 00:25:31,159 Speaker 2: I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know 399 00:25:31,160 --> 00:25:33,440 Speaker 2: who I am without my phone. I don't know who 400 00:25:33,480 --> 00:25:35,919 Speaker 2: I am without work. All I want to do is 401 00:25:35,960 --> 00:25:37,520 Speaker 2: work or be on my phone, work or be on 402 00:25:37,560 --> 00:25:42,120 Speaker 2: my phone. I don't find myself interested or interesting anymore. 403 00:25:42,760 --> 00:25:44,320 Speaker 2: And she was like, you got to get one of 404 00:25:44,359 --> 00:25:47,320 Speaker 2: these junk journals that everybody on Instagram has been talking about, 405 00:25:47,359 --> 00:25:49,600 Speaker 2: Like you've got to get just a journal and just 406 00:25:49,880 --> 00:25:54,040 Speaker 2: collect literal trash. And I was like, Okay, I'll just 407 00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:56,639 Speaker 2: try it because I trust her opinion. And what I 408 00:25:56,720 --> 00:26:02,080 Speaker 2: found is that it's basically journaling on easy mode. Love journaling, 409 00:26:02,640 --> 00:26:05,760 Speaker 2: just like out my feelings onto the page in an 410 00:26:05,880 --> 00:26:08,960 Speaker 2: unstructured manner. But when I really don't feel like I 411 00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:13,360 Speaker 2: have the energy for that, this is like the best alternative. 412 00:26:13,840 --> 00:26:21,120 Speaker 2: You basically just collect junk like receipts, labels, stickers, train tickets, 413 00:26:21,960 --> 00:26:24,520 Speaker 2: airplane tickets. 414 00:26:23,560 --> 00:26:25,960 Speaker 1: Whatever it is from your day, from your life. You 415 00:26:26,040 --> 00:26:29,040 Speaker 1: get a glu stick, you paste it in your journal 416 00:26:29,600 --> 00:26:33,280 Speaker 1: and you just write small comments about it, and you 417 00:26:33,280 --> 00:26:37,119 Speaker 1: know how this junk is basically reflecting your kind of 418 00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:40,240 Speaker 1: life story in a weird way. And it's given me 419 00:26:40,320 --> 00:26:43,640 Speaker 1: such a sense of Firstly, it's a really important ritual 420 00:26:43,760 --> 00:26:46,520 Speaker 1: and habit that I do every single night in a 421 00:26:46,560 --> 00:26:47,560 Speaker 1: systematic way that. 422 00:26:47,520 --> 00:26:48,400 Speaker 2: Has been grounding. 423 00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:52,080 Speaker 1: It's also given me such a sense of self continuity, 424 00:26:52,880 --> 00:26:56,359 Speaker 1: basically being able to look back and see who I 425 00:26:56,520 --> 00:26:58,520 Speaker 1: was three weeks ago, who I was a month ago, 426 00:26:59,119 --> 00:27:01,120 Speaker 1: and hopefully the future of being able to look back 427 00:27:01,160 --> 00:27:04,320 Speaker 1: and see who I was now and what I've seen. 428 00:27:04,440 --> 00:27:08,640 Speaker 1: Being my own case study, is that we find our 429 00:27:08,680 --> 00:27:13,120 Speaker 1: personality through this process because by doing this, by journaling 430 00:27:13,200 --> 00:27:18,200 Speaker 1: or junk journaling, we add narrative back into our lives. 431 00:27:18,480 --> 00:27:23,480 Speaker 1: This is a core premise of narrative psychology. We like 432 00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:26,200 Speaker 1: when something has a story to it that we can 433 00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:30,800 Speaker 1: reflect on, including our own lives. We love a story. 434 00:27:30,840 --> 00:27:33,639 Speaker 1: We love when something feels coherent because there is a 435 00:27:33,680 --> 00:27:36,720 Speaker 1: line that goes all the way through. Journaling in whatever 436 00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:40,480 Speaker 1: form does that for us. We can coherently draw lines 437 00:27:40,520 --> 00:27:44,719 Speaker 1: between our thoughts and our experiences. We can observe ourselves 438 00:27:45,040 --> 00:27:47,640 Speaker 1: in the past and in the present. We see patterns 439 00:27:47,640 --> 00:27:52,439 Speaker 1: in behaviors, We notice things about who we are because 440 00:27:52,480 --> 00:27:56,840 Speaker 1: we are the specimen. We are the subject under the microscope, 441 00:27:56,960 --> 00:28:00,000 Speaker 1: and that just helps us recognize the parts of us 442 00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:02,479 Speaker 1: that we love that we may be forgetting, that we 443 00:28:02,560 --> 00:28:06,640 Speaker 1: may be missing dare I say it that we may 444 00:28:06,720 --> 00:28:14,640 Speaker 1: be avoiding. Basically, journaling is like a mirror. I think 445 00:28:14,680 --> 00:28:17,480 Speaker 1: that is why it is such a well worn, tested 446 00:28:17,760 --> 00:28:21,040 Speaker 1: therapy or self help method, because it just lets you 447 00:28:21,080 --> 00:28:24,920 Speaker 1: see yourself without I guess the frills that we put 448 00:28:24,960 --> 00:28:27,520 Speaker 1: on for other people with the junk journal like you 449 00:28:27,560 --> 00:28:30,480 Speaker 1: literally see yourself through garbage like that is as raw 450 00:28:30,520 --> 00:28:34,040 Speaker 1: and real as it can get. Bonus to this as well, 451 00:28:34,640 --> 00:28:36,359 Speaker 1: and this is why I started in the first place. 452 00:28:36,760 --> 00:28:39,760 Speaker 1: It gets you off your fucking phone. If you want 453 00:28:39,800 --> 00:28:42,480 Speaker 1: to get your personality back, and I know I've said 454 00:28:42,480 --> 00:28:46,320 Speaker 1: this before, you've got to stop consuming and start creating. 455 00:28:46,680 --> 00:28:49,120 Speaker 1: There is a very famous saying you are what you eat. 456 00:28:49,520 --> 00:28:51,960 Speaker 1: You are also the digital content and digital world that 457 00:28:52,000 --> 00:28:56,240 Speaker 1: you consume. How can you hope to be your own individual, 458 00:28:56,280 --> 00:29:00,360 Speaker 1: your own unique figure, to have your own personality if 459 00:29:00,360 --> 00:29:06,000 Speaker 1: you just consume other people's personalities for nourishment. Consumption is 460 00:29:06,120 --> 00:29:10,560 Speaker 1: like scrolling consumption, being on your phone. It's like feeding 461 00:29:10,600 --> 00:29:15,440 Speaker 1: your brain artificial stuff all day. Creation is like feeding 462 00:29:15,440 --> 00:29:20,080 Speaker 1: it organic strawberries and vegetables and like delightful things that 463 00:29:20,160 --> 00:29:24,080 Speaker 1: actually give it nutrients. One more bonus to this, and 464 00:29:24,120 --> 00:29:26,360 Speaker 1: I'm sorry that we can move on with the journaling thing, 465 00:29:26,440 --> 00:29:30,040 Speaker 1: but just to beat this horse dead, I think that 466 00:29:30,120 --> 00:29:33,000 Speaker 1: it also not just lets you see who you are now, 467 00:29:33,080 --> 00:29:37,080 Speaker 1: it lets you see yourself in the future. Let me 468 00:29:37,160 --> 00:29:42,000 Speaker 1: elaborate on this a little bit. In five years time, 469 00:29:42,680 --> 00:29:45,520 Speaker 1: in twenty five years time, you may be at a 470 00:29:45,560 --> 00:29:48,720 Speaker 1: similar point as the one you're at now, where you're like, 471 00:29:48,920 --> 00:29:53,160 Speaker 1: who am I? I don't know who I am? What 472 00:29:53,280 --> 00:29:57,840 Speaker 1: is my actual personality? And now, because you started journaling, 473 00:29:57,920 --> 00:30:00,840 Speaker 1: junk journaling, whatever it is, at this point, you will 474 00:30:00,840 --> 00:30:04,719 Speaker 1: have five, ten, fifteen, twenty five years worth of information 475 00:30:05,040 --> 00:30:08,960 Speaker 1: to help you reconnect with yourself and remind you what 476 00:30:09,080 --> 00:30:12,480 Speaker 1: has made you you. My listeners who have been journaling 477 00:30:12,480 --> 00:30:14,440 Speaker 1: for a little bit for a long time, maybe even 478 00:30:14,480 --> 00:30:18,640 Speaker 1: their whole lives can confirm this. For me, there are 479 00:30:18,720 --> 00:30:23,480 Speaker 1: few pleasures as amazing as sitting down with a glass 480 00:30:23,520 --> 00:30:28,640 Speaker 1: of wine or a tea and reading back your old journals. 481 00:30:29,240 --> 00:30:32,400 Speaker 1: Every time I move house, I do this. It's the best. 482 00:30:32,480 --> 00:30:34,680 Speaker 1: I like run away with the day. I like lose 483 00:30:34,800 --> 00:30:39,080 Speaker 1: hours to just like re examining myself through myself and 484 00:30:39,160 --> 00:30:42,800 Speaker 1: like reading what I thought about this guy Ralph who 485 00:30:42,800 --> 00:30:45,000 Speaker 1: I was like had a crush on a year eight, 486 00:30:45,240 --> 00:30:49,000 Speaker 1: or like this girl Lucinda who was like mean to 487 00:30:49,080 --> 00:30:52,160 Speaker 1: me in the year five, because it's all there and 488 00:30:52,440 --> 00:30:55,080 Speaker 1: it's funny, like how I reacted and how I wrote 489 00:30:55,080 --> 00:30:57,200 Speaker 1: and how I approach those things then is kind of 490 00:30:57,240 --> 00:30:59,960 Speaker 1: similar to how I act now. And that's really good 491 00:31:00,120 --> 00:31:03,160 Speaker 1: ratifying in that it's it's nice to see the continuity. 492 00:31:03,440 --> 00:31:07,360 Speaker 1: So yeah, it's sacred, it's spiritual. It's a gift not 493 00:31:07,440 --> 00:31:10,080 Speaker 1: just for your current self but for your future self 494 00:31:10,640 --> 00:31:14,280 Speaker 1: as well. So yeah, totally recommend doing that if you 495 00:31:14,280 --> 00:31:17,080 Speaker 1: don't feel like yourself right now. Okay, we have to 496 00:31:17,080 --> 00:31:19,240 Speaker 1: take one more short break here, but then I have 497 00:31:19,320 --> 00:31:23,320 Speaker 1: two final tips for you, the last one honestly being 498 00:31:24,120 --> 00:31:26,360 Speaker 1: the one that I would recommend the most out of 499 00:31:26,400 --> 00:31:29,280 Speaker 1: all of these, so I promise you it's worth it. 500 00:31:29,360 --> 00:31:37,960 Speaker 1: Stick with us. I will say a lot of these 501 00:31:38,000 --> 00:31:41,240 Speaker 1: tips so far have been kind of solitary, very like 502 00:31:41,760 --> 00:31:44,000 Speaker 1: things that we do in like the quiet of our home. 503 00:31:44,160 --> 00:31:47,200 Speaker 1: But we really know ourselves a lot of the time 504 00:31:47,240 --> 00:31:52,240 Speaker 1: and see ourselves through others and through their appreciation of us. 505 00:31:52,960 --> 00:31:55,800 Speaker 1: If you don't know who you are, your friends and 506 00:31:55,840 --> 00:31:59,080 Speaker 1: family probably do when they love you for it. So 507 00:31:59,240 --> 00:32:03,360 Speaker 1: you have to start aren't asking them questions about yourself 508 00:32:03,600 --> 00:32:06,960 Speaker 1: as if you don't know yourself? Questions like Heyley, you 509 00:32:07,000 --> 00:32:08,840 Speaker 1: know like what song reminds you the most of me? 510 00:32:08,960 --> 00:32:11,960 Speaker 1: What movie makes you think of me? What was I 511 00:32:12,000 --> 00:32:15,840 Speaker 1: really like as a child? What is your favorite memory 512 00:32:15,840 --> 00:32:18,280 Speaker 1: of us together? And why is it so important? What 513 00:32:18,320 --> 00:32:20,720 Speaker 1: do you think my biggest skill is? What is my 514 00:32:20,760 --> 00:32:23,720 Speaker 1: biggest weakness that I don't know about? What are some 515 00:32:23,800 --> 00:32:27,040 Speaker 1: words that you would use to describe me to a stranger? 516 00:32:27,200 --> 00:32:30,840 Speaker 1: Like almost like all these weird kinds of questions, And 517 00:32:30,880 --> 00:32:34,880 Speaker 1: it might sound and feel awkward at first, and then 518 00:32:34,920 --> 00:32:39,800 Speaker 1: it feels really nourishing that there is a version of 519 00:32:39,800 --> 00:32:43,040 Speaker 1: you that exists and that is stable and other people 520 00:32:43,080 --> 00:32:47,560 Speaker 1: see it and they love you. This tip works psychologically 521 00:32:47,640 --> 00:32:51,200 Speaker 1: because of one of the oldest ideas in social psychology. 522 00:32:51,240 --> 00:32:54,840 Speaker 1: Actually it is Charles Houghton Cooley's idea of the looking 523 00:32:55,240 --> 00:32:58,200 Speaker 1: glass self. I actually love this idea. I don't know 524 00:32:58,200 --> 00:33:00,800 Speaker 1: why we don't talk about it more, but he basically 525 00:33:01,040 --> 00:33:06,080 Speaker 1: says claimed that our identity is partly a reflection. We 526 00:33:06,120 --> 00:33:10,880 Speaker 1: can gain a lot of self knowledge by appreciating or 527 00:33:10,960 --> 00:33:15,960 Speaker 1: recognizing how other people see us and their reactions to 528 00:33:16,040 --> 00:33:20,600 Speaker 1: us essentially help us figure out what behaviors we like 529 00:33:20,680 --> 00:33:23,000 Speaker 1: and what the kind of person that we want to 530 00:33:23,000 --> 00:33:27,320 Speaker 1: be through them through their appreciation of us. When you 531 00:33:27,400 --> 00:33:29,960 Speaker 1: ask people questions like, hey, what song reminds you of me? 532 00:33:30,080 --> 00:33:32,760 Speaker 1: What was I like as a child? You are accessing 533 00:33:32,760 --> 00:33:38,600 Speaker 1: what psychologists called reflected appraisals, information about yourself that is 534 00:33:38,800 --> 00:33:42,240 Speaker 1: stored outside of yourself, that exists outside of the own 535 00:33:42,280 --> 00:33:45,600 Speaker 1: internal narrative that you have about you, that is quite 536 00:33:45,640 --> 00:33:50,760 Speaker 1: honestly biased. Research shows these reflected appraisals they play a 537 00:33:50,800 --> 00:33:54,520 Speaker 1: really powerful role in shaping our self concept, especially during 538 00:33:54,560 --> 00:33:58,680 Speaker 1: periods of transition or identity uncertainty like our twenties, where 539 00:33:59,000 --> 00:34:02,760 Speaker 1: we can't really trust ourselves to know ourselves sometimes the 540 00:34:02,760 --> 00:34:05,800 Speaker 1: memories that we have with other people are like again, 541 00:34:05,840 --> 00:34:08,880 Speaker 1: it's like a vault of stuff that's stored outside of 542 00:34:08,960 --> 00:34:11,840 Speaker 1: us that it's like a bank vault of things that 543 00:34:11,880 --> 00:34:13,400 Speaker 1: we can go to and be like, oh, that's who 544 00:34:13,480 --> 00:34:15,960 Speaker 1: I was. Thank god I stored that with somebody else 545 00:34:16,000 --> 00:34:19,120 Speaker 1: who isn't going through this tough time. There's also strong 546 00:34:19,200 --> 00:34:22,800 Speaker 1: evidence from self verification theory, which was developed in the eighties, 547 00:34:22,920 --> 00:34:26,919 Speaker 1: that we seek feedback from others to stabilize our sense 548 00:34:26,960 --> 00:34:31,200 Speaker 1: of identity. So when we do feel unsure, family and 549 00:34:31,280 --> 00:34:35,120 Speaker 1: friends are often one of the most comforting things in 550 00:34:35,160 --> 00:34:40,400 Speaker 1: that time because they are able to notice patterns, provide 551 00:34:40,400 --> 00:34:43,400 Speaker 1: that information back to us and give us a sense 552 00:34:43,440 --> 00:34:46,959 Speaker 1: of self continuity. Again, an idea that's come up time 553 00:34:47,000 --> 00:34:50,440 Speaker 1: and time and throughout this episode, the idea that you 554 00:34:50,480 --> 00:34:52,880 Speaker 1: know there is a beginning and an end to our lives, 555 00:34:52,880 --> 00:34:55,359 Speaker 1: but also there is a story throughout it all that 556 00:34:55,480 --> 00:34:59,360 Speaker 1: ties together and makes sense and has us as a 557 00:34:59,440 --> 00:35:06,880 Speaker 1: main character. So finally, my last actionable insight for this episode, 558 00:35:07,560 --> 00:35:09,360 Speaker 1: I want you to take all of this and I 559 00:35:09,400 --> 00:35:11,960 Speaker 1: want you to write out a person I want to 560 00:35:12,000 --> 00:35:15,040 Speaker 1: be a letter. So I did this the other day 561 00:35:15,080 --> 00:35:18,280 Speaker 1: because I was feeling as you can probably tell slightly 562 00:35:18,320 --> 00:35:21,239 Speaker 1: on Moord and I was in a hotel room and 563 00:35:21,280 --> 00:35:24,040 Speaker 1: I was feeling very inspired by the new year, as 564 00:35:24,080 --> 00:35:27,319 Speaker 1: we are, and I just sat down and I just 565 00:35:27,360 --> 00:35:30,520 Speaker 1: wrote five large themes for the person I most wanted 566 00:35:30,560 --> 00:35:33,680 Speaker 1: to be, not for the next year, just for my life, 567 00:35:33,760 --> 00:35:40,480 Speaker 1: Like five large paragraphs on like if my character and 568 00:35:40,600 --> 00:35:45,319 Speaker 1: my best self was siphoned down into five things, what 569 00:35:45,440 --> 00:35:48,480 Speaker 1: would they be and why is that who I want 570 00:35:48,480 --> 00:35:51,840 Speaker 1: to be? And I obviously used eye statements like I 571 00:35:51,840 --> 00:35:53,480 Speaker 1: think one of them was a couple of them were 572 00:35:53,840 --> 00:35:56,719 Speaker 1: I'm someone who really takes care of myself. That is 573 00:35:56,880 --> 00:35:59,759 Speaker 1: somebody that I want to be. That is my ideal 574 00:36:00,040 --> 00:36:02,879 Speaker 1: person I want to be self. I am someone who 575 00:36:03,360 --> 00:36:06,399 Speaker 1: others find kind and welcoming. Now there's a huge part 576 00:36:06,480 --> 00:36:09,239 Speaker 1: of my values and the person I want to be. 577 00:36:09,719 --> 00:36:12,799 Speaker 1: I am someone who is surrounded by friends. And I 578 00:36:12,840 --> 00:36:15,239 Speaker 1: wrote out, you know, there was a couple more, but 579 00:36:15,280 --> 00:36:18,239 Speaker 1: I wrote out what that looked like, what that would 580 00:36:18,320 --> 00:36:21,120 Speaker 1: look like in practice on a day to day basis 581 00:36:21,120 --> 00:36:23,439 Speaker 1: in my life. So much of what we focused on 582 00:36:23,719 --> 00:36:27,000 Speaker 1: in this episode is kind of like reclaiming the personality 583 00:36:27,080 --> 00:36:30,919 Speaker 1: of the past, but finding yourself again. Rediscovering your personality 584 00:36:30,960 --> 00:36:36,160 Speaker 1: also means thinking about your future ideal self. There is 585 00:36:36,200 --> 00:36:40,200 Speaker 1: this idea in personality psychology and in some therapy self 586 00:36:40,200 --> 00:36:43,840 Speaker 1: help circles that if you don't have a representation of 587 00:36:43,880 --> 00:36:46,960 Speaker 1: how you most want to be, you are not going. 588 00:36:46,719 --> 00:36:47,800 Speaker 2: To end up there. 589 00:36:48,640 --> 00:36:53,719 Speaker 1: Accidentally, the best possible self, the person you most want 590 00:36:53,719 --> 00:36:56,719 Speaker 1: to be, who you see in the future, has to 591 00:36:56,760 --> 00:37:00,720 Speaker 1: be something somebody that you can articulate, you can and feel, 592 00:37:00,880 --> 00:37:05,120 Speaker 1: you can see, you can understand, you can detail in 593 00:37:05,320 --> 00:37:09,040 Speaker 1: order to therefore claim you know. There is this amazing 594 00:37:09,120 --> 00:37:13,040 Speaker 1: ted talk very aptly titled your Real Versus Ideal Self 595 00:37:13,120 --> 00:37:15,480 Speaker 1: that I think you should listen to if you've resonated 596 00:37:15,640 --> 00:37:20,239 Speaker 1: with this episode, that essentially discusses how this kind of exercise, 597 00:37:20,360 --> 00:37:23,960 Speaker 1: this who do I Want to be? Exercise helps you 598 00:37:24,040 --> 00:37:27,319 Speaker 1: bridge the gap between you know who you are in 599 00:37:27,360 --> 00:37:31,400 Speaker 1: the past and a vision that you most certainly have 600 00:37:31,480 --> 00:37:33,960 Speaker 1: about your future self that you just you need to 601 00:37:34,000 --> 00:37:37,920 Speaker 1: bring to the surface in order to become you know. 602 00:37:38,040 --> 00:37:40,919 Speaker 1: Each one of you has fifteen minutes tonight to try 603 00:37:40,920 --> 00:37:45,640 Speaker 1: this or fifteen minutes tomorrow to do it, and if 604 00:37:45,719 --> 00:37:50,600 Speaker 1: you're really feeling detached, listen at most. It can't hurt. 605 00:37:51,200 --> 00:37:53,160 Speaker 1: You can do this in fifteen minutes. It's going to 606 00:37:53,200 --> 00:37:57,239 Speaker 1: make you feel better personally. It's so motivating as well. 607 00:37:57,360 --> 00:37:59,359 Speaker 1: You will feel a wave. 608 00:37:59,080 --> 00:38:04,440 Speaker 2: Of energy and you will feel like yourself again. What 609 00:38:04,520 --> 00:38:06,879 Speaker 2: a little cliche, What a little nice way to wrap 610 00:38:06,960 --> 00:38:10,239 Speaker 2: up the episode. So as we finish up here, it's 611 00:38:10,440 --> 00:38:14,840 Speaker 2: just a quick summary of what we talked about today. 612 00:38:15,160 --> 00:38:18,400 Speaker 2: If you're feeling unlike yourself, if you're feeling stuck lost, 613 00:38:18,920 --> 00:38:21,279 Speaker 2: your personality is something that you have control over. 614 00:38:21,440 --> 00:38:25,319 Speaker 1: It is something that you can reclaim and change. The 615 00:38:25,360 --> 00:38:28,239 Speaker 1: best ways to go about this are to number one, 616 00:38:28,440 --> 00:38:32,920 Speaker 1: revisit your childhood memories and hobbies, fulfill your soul needs, 617 00:38:33,239 --> 00:38:40,080 Speaker 1: Pursue novel environments, set unproductive goals, start journaling junk journaling 618 00:38:40,120 --> 00:38:43,480 Speaker 1: in particular, ask the people who know you best, what 619 00:38:43,680 --> 00:38:47,320 Speaker 1: makes you the best, and write the person I want 620 00:38:47,360 --> 00:38:52,759 Speaker 1: to be letter. I hope these tips have helped you. Seriously, 621 00:38:52,800 --> 00:38:54,680 Speaker 1: if you have made it this far, can I just 622 00:38:54,719 --> 00:38:58,120 Speaker 1: say you are not alone in this. Every day you 623 00:38:58,200 --> 00:39:02,680 Speaker 1: probably pass multiple people on this feeling something very similar 624 00:39:02,760 --> 00:39:05,680 Speaker 1: right now. Most of them will never do anything about it. 625 00:39:05,760 --> 00:39:08,040 Speaker 1: So the fact that you are listening and that you 626 00:39:08,080 --> 00:39:11,600 Speaker 1: don't want to exist on autopilot is just marvelous and 627 00:39:11,680 --> 00:39:14,120 Speaker 1: incredible and shows that you have everything that you need 628 00:39:14,560 --> 00:39:19,000 Speaker 1: to rediscover or just discover for the first time who 629 00:39:19,080 --> 00:39:22,000 Speaker 1: you are. You know, we all go through times like this, 630 00:39:22,360 --> 00:39:24,719 Speaker 1: and I think it says a lot about your intrinsic 631 00:39:24,840 --> 00:39:27,279 Speaker 1: character that you want to change and that you've been 632 00:39:27,280 --> 00:39:31,280 Speaker 1: able to recognize the state that you're in. So congratulations 633 00:39:31,280 --> 00:39:33,680 Speaker 1: for making it this far. And if you have made 634 00:39:33,680 --> 00:39:37,479 Speaker 1: it this far, my request for you is to leave 635 00:39:37,719 --> 00:39:40,040 Speaker 1: a series of emojis down below if you're listening on 636 00:39:40,080 --> 00:39:45,000 Speaker 1: Spotify that best encompass your personality as you know it. 637 00:39:45,640 --> 00:39:50,680 Speaker 1: Whatever emojis come to mind, attract you feel like a 638 00:39:50,719 --> 00:39:53,880 Speaker 1: representation of you, drop them down below. Consider it a 639 00:39:53,920 --> 00:39:57,960 Speaker 1: bonus self evaluation exercise, and thank you for listening all 640 00:39:58,000 --> 00:40:00,320 Speaker 1: the way through. As you have done. Make sure you 641 00:40:00,360 --> 00:40:03,239 Speaker 1: are following along wherever you are listening, following us on 642 00:40:03,320 --> 00:40:07,640 Speaker 1: Instagram at that Psychology Podcast. We also have a substack. 643 00:40:07,719 --> 00:40:11,719 Speaker 1: If you prefer reading or want to revisit this episode 644 00:40:11,880 --> 00:40:15,160 Speaker 1: using our transcripts, you can join us over there. But 645 00:40:15,360 --> 00:40:18,960 Speaker 1: until next time, stay safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself. 646 00:40:19,360 --> 00:40:21,200 Speaker 2: We will talk very very soon.