WEBVTT - Anna Kai: Escaping Toxic Relationships, Dating Red Flags and How to Attract a Healed Man 0:00:00.120 --> 0:00:02.480 Booked a call with a TikTok coach and it went 0:00:02.560 --> 0:00:04.200 viral almost immediately, and. 0:00:04.160 --> 0:00:05.440 I was like, this is it. This is what I'm 0:00:05.440 --> 0:00:06.200 supposed to be doing. 0:00:12.880 --> 0:00:15.960 Anybody that does something to land themselves in jail for 0:00:16.000 --> 0:00:18.480 a month is not somebody you should be dating. 0:00:18.680 --> 0:00:20.720 What does this person from the moment you meet them? 0:00:21.040 --> 0:00:22.960 What are they doing to your nervous system? 0:00:23.200 --> 0:00:25.600 Most of the time women can't let go of what 0:00:25.640 --> 0:00:27.440 doesn't serve them anymore, and they don't realize if I 0:00:27.480 --> 0:00:28.920 just let oh of this, I'm going to create so 0:00:29.000 --> 0:00:31.400 much space for what I really want to come into 0:00:31.440 --> 0:00:31.880 my life. 0:00:32.000 --> 0:00:34.960 Oh I really want these butterflies and the excitement they 0:00:35.120 --> 0:00:36.400 use to dating traumatic men. 0:00:36.479 --> 0:00:39.440 If it's not working out Shift Gears. 0:00:43.640 --> 0:00:46.720 I'm Radi Wukiah and on my podcast a Really Good Cry, 0:00:46.920 --> 0:00:50.640 we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space 0:00:50.720 --> 0:00:54.760 for raw, unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow you 0:00:54.840 --> 0:00:58.240 to tune in to learn, connect and find comfort together. 0:00:58.560 --> 0:01:01.840 So I want to know, Wow, you got started and 0:01:02.360 --> 0:01:04.360 what brought you to the genie or now. 0:01:05.160 --> 0:01:08.679 I always knew I wanted to do something creative since 0:01:08.680 --> 0:01:11.880 I was a very little kid, and I knew I 0:01:11.959 --> 0:01:15.320 loved performing and telling stories, and I was a theater kid, 0:01:15.560 --> 0:01:18.520 and you know, I think my parents always said, like, 0:01:18.560 --> 0:01:20.839 you should allow your children to do what they want 0:01:20.920 --> 0:01:23.199 to do, because if they want to do something, it's. 0:01:23.120 --> 0:01:24.520 Very likely that they're good at it. 0:01:25.240 --> 0:01:28.080 And that rang pretty true for me because I was 0:01:28.160 --> 0:01:31.280 really terrible at math and science and all the things 0:01:31.319 --> 0:01:34.960 that Asian immigrant kids are supposed to be good at. 0:01:35.000 --> 0:01:37.520 All of their friends who had come over from China 0:01:37.560 --> 0:01:40.600 around the same generation and had children around my age, 0:01:40.920 --> 0:01:43.800 they were all getting full scores on their SATs in 0:01:43.840 --> 0:01:47.120 eighth grade when they were taking early SAT exams and everything, 0:01:47.160 --> 0:01:52.000 and I just I was academically decent, but I was 0:01:52.120 --> 0:01:56.200 never a genius when it came to be like reading 0:01:56.240 --> 0:02:00.120 and everything like that. So I just kind of real 0:02:00.480 --> 0:02:02.480 just like, I'm not into sports, I'm not into math 0:02:02.520 --> 0:02:05.160 and sciences. I was actually very good at writing and 0:02:05.200 --> 0:02:08.000 I like performing, and so that kind of hits you 0:02:08.040 --> 0:02:09.960 at a young age and you kind of realize you 0:02:10.040 --> 0:02:12.960 like that. So I went to college always knowing like 0:02:13.000 --> 0:02:14.880 I kind of wanted to be a performer, but I 0:02:14.919 --> 0:02:18.040 didn't really know what. So I tried out the singer's 0:02:18.040 --> 0:02:21.240 songwriter route, for about twenty five seconds, and I realized 0:02:21.320 --> 0:02:23.320 I was like, this is not it. I don't have 0:02:23.360 --> 0:02:27.280 a great voice, nor can I write amazing songs. So 0:02:27.960 --> 0:02:31.000 then I was like, I'm going to be an actress. 0:02:31.040 --> 0:02:34.600 And I left NYU with a liberal arts degree with 0:02:34.680 --> 0:02:38.240 the intention of giving myself the next eight years to 0:02:38.960 --> 0:02:42.360 try making it as an actress. And it was an 0:02:42.400 --> 0:02:46.760 incredibly unstable eight years, but you know, I learned a 0:02:46.800 --> 0:02:49.280 lot and through that I was also trying to find 0:02:49.320 --> 0:02:51.320 a husband, and so there was a lot of instability. 0:02:51.360 --> 0:02:52.920 I did a lot of gigwork, a lot of jobs 0:02:52.919 --> 0:02:55.720 I didn't want to do. Eventually, I did find my 0:02:55.800 --> 0:02:58.080 way into real estate, which was a great kind of 0:02:58.160 --> 0:03:00.400 day job because it gave me the flexibil to go 0:03:00.440 --> 0:03:04.639 on auditions, but also gave me somewhat of a stable income. 0:03:05.520 --> 0:03:07.120 By the time I met my husband, I was on 0:03:07.160 --> 0:03:09.760 pretty solid ground in terms of, like my finances, which 0:03:09.800 --> 0:03:13.160 was really important, and I honestly think that that gave 0:03:13.200 --> 0:03:16.200 me so much confidence in my late twenties to be like, 0:03:16.320 --> 0:03:18.880 I would love a man in my life right now, 0:03:18.919 --> 0:03:20.959 but I can take care of myself and I can 0:03:21.040 --> 0:03:23.760 save money, and I don't need somebody to take care 0:03:23.800 --> 0:03:28.920 of me like that. And I think when you feel 0:03:28.960 --> 0:03:31.560 confident in yourself and what you have to offer, you 0:03:31.600 --> 0:03:33.920 walk into a first date so much more relaxed and 0:03:33.960 --> 0:03:36.840 so much more yourself like I would like to have this, 0:03:37.000 --> 0:03:39.960 but I don't need this, And I think the timing 0:03:40.040 --> 0:03:42.520 was right. And so by the time we got together, 0:03:42.560 --> 0:03:44.720 I was in my late twenties, he was in He 0:03:44.840 --> 0:03:48.960 was thirty four, and then the pandemic hit and everything 0:03:49.320 --> 0:03:52.760 went to utter shit. I was working in real estate 0:03:52.800 --> 0:03:55.800 and I was an actress, which are two very non 0:03:55.960 --> 0:04:00.000 COVID friendly jobs. And then we moved to Connecticut because 0:04:00.040 --> 0:04:02.400 that's where his job was, and you know, we didn't 0:04:02.400 --> 0:04:04.400 want him commuting on the train and everything, and so 0:04:05.000 --> 0:04:07.200 I kind of had a lonother quarter life crisis at 0:04:07.200 --> 0:04:08.720 thirty and I was like, what am I going to do? 0:04:08.960 --> 0:04:12.000 Like auditions ground to a halt. I didn't have my 0:04:12.040 --> 0:04:14.160 real estate job anymore because we were in a different 0:04:14.240 --> 0:04:17.680 place and real estate is very local. So I did 0:04:17.680 --> 0:04:20.120 what any practical thirty year old would do. Instead of 0:04:20.120 --> 0:04:22.360 getting my real estate license and starting over in a 0:04:22.400 --> 0:04:23.400 new state, I was like, I'm. 0:04:23.320 --> 0:04:24.200 Going to start a blog. 0:04:25.600 --> 0:04:28.239 I started a word press of all things in twenty twenty, 0:04:28.279 --> 0:04:31.720 when everyone's already getting on TikTok, right, everyone's blowing up 0:04:31.760 --> 0:04:36.400 on TikTok. I was just like, I think word press 0:04:36.440 --> 0:04:39.040 and Instagram is the way to go. And I started 0:04:39.080 --> 0:04:41.840 off trying to do home decorp because I didn't want 0:04:41.839 --> 0:04:45.400 to be on camera because I think, to me, I 0:04:45.480 --> 0:04:49.320 love design and everything. But it almost felt safer to 0:04:49.360 --> 0:04:51.880 me because I was like, I'm not showing my face, 0:04:52.440 --> 0:04:54.520 and so it's almost like if it doesn't do well, 0:04:54.520 --> 0:04:56.760 it's like my face, and I didn't have to be 0:04:56.760 --> 0:04:59.640 as vulnerable. It was just like my designs right. And 0:04:59.720 --> 0:05:02.560 then I was like, I can't redecorate my living room 0:05:02.600 --> 0:05:06.280 eight thousand times. I have so much respect for home 0:05:06.360 --> 0:05:10.479 day core bloggers who just continuously come up with these 0:05:10.760 --> 0:05:15.039 magical creations like Lone Fox Home the way he just 0:05:15.080 --> 0:05:19.000 like does his house over and over again. He's like, 0:05:19.080 --> 0:05:21.719 I found this vintage piece on the back of like 0:05:21.720 --> 0:05:23.960 a horse and buggy and Amish country, and I just say, 0:05:24.200 --> 0:05:27.200 I'm like, oh my god, that's incredible. And that's just 0:05:27.240 --> 0:05:29.760 like a passion and a love for it that I 0:05:29.839 --> 0:05:32.080 just didn't have. I was like, okay, so what next. 0:05:32.160 --> 0:05:34.240 So then I was like, well, everybody's doing fashion. So 0:05:34.320 --> 0:05:36.160 I tried to do fashion for a bit that also 0:05:36.160 --> 0:05:40.320 didn't work out, and so I probably should have quit. 0:05:40.480 --> 0:05:44.920 Honestly many times. I was two years in basically and 0:05:45.720 --> 0:05:47.560 to very little fruition. I think I had like twenty 0:05:47.600 --> 0:05:50.280 five hundred followers, about a thousand of those for people 0:05:50.320 --> 0:05:53.680 I knew, and I didn't know what was going on, 0:05:53.760 --> 0:05:54.840 and so I just. 0:05:55.400 --> 0:05:57.160 Booked a call with a TikTok coach. 0:05:57.200 --> 0:05:59.159 I was like, let's see what I'm doing wrong, right, 0:05:59.640 --> 0:06:02.400 and she goes, I think you should start talking to 0:06:02.480 --> 0:06:05.160 camera because you have the personality to talk to camera, 0:06:05.920 --> 0:06:07.920 Like you should not be doing these fashion reels where 0:06:07.920 --> 0:06:09.760 nobody hears you, and why don't you try that? 0:06:09.839 --> 0:06:10.440 Tell a story? 0:06:10.440 --> 0:06:12.880 And I was like, okay, what do I you know, 0:06:12.920 --> 0:06:14.240 it's like when you get to a certain age, like 0:06:14.240 --> 0:06:17.040 what am I good at? So I was like, I 0:06:17.080 --> 0:06:19.159 had a lot of crazy dating experiences and I know 0:06:19.160 --> 0:06:20.000 how to do my makeup. 0:06:20.040 --> 0:06:20.800 So I just did that. 0:06:21.360 --> 0:06:24.599 I told a story and it went viral almost immediately, 0:06:24.640 --> 0:06:27.279 and I am very quick to change course when I 0:06:27.320 --> 0:06:29.120 realized I need to, and I was like, this is it, 0:06:29.160 --> 0:06:31.200 this is what I'm supposed to be doing, and it's 0:06:31.279 --> 0:06:33.960 just been crazy since it's been two years. 0:06:34.000 --> 0:06:34.719 Two years. 0:06:35.360 --> 0:06:38.479 Props to your parents for being so open to you 0:06:38.520 --> 0:06:41.440 doing what you love versus what they might have expected 0:06:41.480 --> 0:06:43.600 you to do. So that's actually quite I feel like, 0:06:43.680 --> 0:06:48.280 especially in Asian communities, South Asian and I'm sure your community. 0:06:48.040 --> 0:06:49.600 There is where we are from the same. 0:06:49.760 --> 0:06:53.240 Yeah, it's like, really, arts, is that really what you 0:06:53.240 --> 0:06:55.760 want to do? Like anything creative is kind of like hmm, 0:06:56.400 --> 0:06:59.240 But that's so wonderful that they really encouraged you in that, 0:06:59.520 --> 0:07:01.000 and that makes such a difference. 0:07:01.320 --> 0:07:03.839 They always supported me. I think they were very worried 0:07:03.880 --> 0:07:05.839 by the way they want like, oh yeah, it'll be fine. 0:07:06.000 --> 0:07:06.240 Yeah. 0:07:06.320 --> 0:07:09.279 They were like this is not great, especially in your 0:07:09.320 --> 0:07:10.720 early twenties, mid twenties. 0:07:10.760 --> 0:07:12.040 You she'll figure it out. 0:07:12.320 --> 0:07:14.160 My dad was like I always just assumed you would 0:07:14.200 --> 0:07:15.880 hit thirty and if it didn't work out, you would 0:07:15.880 --> 0:07:17.080 just go get a sales job. 0:07:17.120 --> 0:07:19.160 Everybody was always like, go get a job in sales. 0:07:19.160 --> 0:07:21.600 I'm like, because you like to talk, right, I was 0:07:21.640 --> 0:07:25.560 like selling what, Like, there's nothing that I'm that passionate 0:07:25.600 --> 0:07:27.480 about in terms of like somebody told me to be 0:07:27.520 --> 0:07:30.160 like go into pharma sales. I was like that's so boring, 0:07:30.240 --> 0:07:34.080 you know, so you know it's but they were very nervous. 0:07:34.120 --> 0:07:36.680 I think they just realized I was also so stubborn 0:07:36.840 --> 0:07:37.320 that I was. 0:07:37.280 --> 0:07:38.560 Never going to do it anyway. 0:07:38.760 --> 0:07:42.280 Yeah, so it obviously worked out, but it was a 0:07:42.320 --> 0:07:45.000 long It was a long journey together. I was thirty 0:07:45.040 --> 0:07:48.040 two before I made a dime off of social media 0:07:48.120 --> 0:07:50.840 and being a creative. And so it's like, I think 0:07:50.880 --> 0:07:54.200 when people get discouraged because it's not happening, it's like, 0:07:54.280 --> 0:07:56.200 don't quit before you get there. Like if magine, if 0:07:56.240 --> 0:07:58.440 i'd quit a year before I went viral, that would 0:07:58.480 --> 0:07:59.720 have been the final stop. 0:08:00.120 --> 0:08:03.320 But's so good that you're so aware of when you 0:08:03.400 --> 0:08:05.280 need to change course and that you still have the 0:08:05.320 --> 0:08:08.600 motivation to keep doing that, like looking back and reflecting 0:08:08.800 --> 0:08:11.320 what was it that allowed you to keep changing course 0:08:11.360 --> 0:08:14.840 and still having belief in what you were doing, Because, 0:08:14.920 --> 0:08:16.840 like you said, most people would quit. What stopped you 0:08:16.880 --> 0:08:17.480 from quitting? 0:08:18.440 --> 0:08:22.320 Not having another choice is actually really good because I 0:08:22.360 --> 0:08:24.960 honestly think that sometimes when you have a backup plan, 0:08:25.440 --> 0:08:27.440 you just fall back on that backup. 0:08:27.080 --> 0:08:28.480 Plan feel safer. 0:08:28.720 --> 0:08:29.040 Yeah. 0:08:29.160 --> 0:08:33.320 So I'm not saying be fiscally irresponsible. I'm just saying 0:08:33.440 --> 0:08:36.360 that you know, don't have a comfortable job that you 0:08:36.400 --> 0:08:39.360 can live with but you don't love as a backup plan, 0:08:39.480 --> 0:08:41.440 because if it's not working out and what you love, 0:08:41.600 --> 0:08:44.920 oftentimes you will just fall back and stay there. I 0:08:45.000 --> 0:08:48.120 think the other thing too, is that I saw my 0:08:48.320 --> 0:08:53.960 parents come to this country and make it from impossible circumstances, 0:08:54.480 --> 0:08:56.360 and I always had that in the back of my 0:08:56.440 --> 0:08:58.840 mind that if they could make it here with far 0:08:58.960 --> 0:09:01.720 less resources than I had and far less support. 0:09:02.160 --> 0:09:03.400 Then it was going to be okay. 0:09:03.440 --> 0:09:07.000 That whatever I was going to do was not ever 0:09:07.120 --> 0:09:09.840 going to be as catastrophic as what they would have 0:09:10.080 --> 0:09:13.720 endured if they had lost in their life. And for 0:09:13.800 --> 0:09:15.840 me it was also like, I think the biggest thing too, 0:09:15.920 --> 0:09:18.600 for anybody who's a creative or anybody who's an entrepreneur 0:09:19.040 --> 0:09:22.040 or has a crazy idea that doesn't fit convention, the 0:09:22.040 --> 0:09:24.480 biggest thing you have to lose is actually your ego 0:09:25.040 --> 0:09:27.440 and your pride. Yeah, that is the toughest thing to 0:09:27.480 --> 0:09:29.600 have to swallow. It's not so much the fact it's 0:09:29.600 --> 0:09:33.520 like time spent on creating content or whatever. It's time 0:09:33.600 --> 0:09:36.480 spent on creating content and putting it out into the 0:09:36.520 --> 0:09:40.840 world and not having it do well and knowing that 0:09:40.920 --> 0:09:42.440 maybe the people in your life are. 0:09:42.400 --> 0:09:47.439 Like, ooh, you know exactly exactly, and everybody experiences that 0:09:47.600 --> 0:09:48.280 in the beginning. 0:09:48.400 --> 0:09:51.880 Everybody experiences that shame and just you know, I had 0:09:51.920 --> 0:09:53.840 plenty of situations for that first two years. 0:09:53.840 --> 0:09:55.800 People would ask me what I'm doing, and. 0:09:55.760 --> 0:09:59.400 I remember thinking, oh, it would be so much easier 0:09:59.600 --> 0:10:04.800 if I was just a housewife, Like that would make 0:10:04.840 --> 0:10:08.120 sense to people because I have something to say, yeah, like, oh. 0:10:08.040 --> 0:10:09.560 I've I've stopped working. 0:10:10.040 --> 0:10:13.920 I've had children, and my husband works, and you know, 0:10:13.960 --> 0:10:16.640 we were lucky enough in the sense that he worked 0:10:16.760 --> 0:10:20.640 and could support our family. But I was like, that's 0:10:20.760 --> 0:10:22.920 just not the life I want. And so I would 0:10:23.000 --> 0:10:25.440 go out and hang out at these parties with people 0:10:25.480 --> 0:10:27.080 we knew, and they'd be like, what are you doing 0:10:27.120 --> 0:10:28.240 now that you've moved to Connecticut. 0:10:28.320 --> 0:10:32.480 I'm like, I'm blogging and you just see that, you know. 0:10:32.679 --> 0:10:36.400 Oh wow, that is amazing blog. 0:10:36.160 --> 0:10:39.360 About I'm like it is just like then the word vomit, 0:10:39.440 --> 0:10:41.080 you know, the scramble comes out. 0:10:41.559 --> 0:10:43.200 And so I'm not saying I didn't feel the shame. 0:10:43.240 --> 0:10:44.040 It's just that at some. 0:10:44.120 --> 0:10:50.480 Point I knew that I was afraid of shame and 0:10:50.720 --> 0:10:54.040 afraid of not being successful and what I wanted to do. 0:10:54.080 --> 0:10:56.599 But I would be more afraid of the regret I 0:10:56.600 --> 0:10:58.880 would feel if I didn't do it exactly. So it's 0:10:58.920 --> 0:11:02.560 all about more what do you fear more? I think 0:11:02.600 --> 0:11:04.600 a lot of people are like, oh, how are you 0:11:04.640 --> 0:11:07.840 so confident? And like how did you have like how 0:11:07.880 --> 0:11:09.880 did you get rid of all that self doubt? 0:11:09.920 --> 0:11:11.079 I have self doubt. 0:11:10.840 --> 0:11:14.400 Every day and day every moment, you know, even here now. 0:11:14.400 --> 0:11:16.480 It's like you think you make it to a certain point, right. 0:11:17.000 --> 0:11:19.040 I never thought I would have a million followers on 0:11:19.080 --> 0:11:20.880 any platform combined anything. 0:11:20.960 --> 0:11:22.320 I was just hoping for ten thousand. 0:11:22.440 --> 0:11:22.600 Yeah. 0:11:22.640 --> 0:11:24.480 Yeah, that's what was my base. 0:11:25.240 --> 0:11:27.560 And you think, oh, if I ever made it there, 0:11:28.200 --> 0:11:30.000 I would just be happy forever. 0:11:30.120 --> 0:11:31.320 I would feel calm forever. 0:11:31.400 --> 0:11:33.280 I mean, you never thought you would be here, right, 0:11:33.800 --> 0:11:37.040 And it's not ten years ago you had told twenty 0:11:37.040 --> 0:11:39.320 four year Oldrana you'd be here. You'd be like, I 0:11:39.360 --> 0:11:41.520 would never have a bad day in my life, right, 0:11:42.480 --> 0:11:46.080 But like you told me yesterday, you cry almost every week. 0:11:46.160 --> 0:11:49.040 Yeah that is fair, right. 0:11:48.920 --> 0:11:52.360 And it's not just sound ungrateful because obviously we have 0:11:52.480 --> 0:11:55.800 attained a certain level of discomfort that we didn't experience 0:11:56.000 --> 0:11:58.480 a long time ago. But it's like it is just 0:11:58.559 --> 0:12:02.040 to say that everybody struggles and just because you've you know, 0:12:02.080 --> 0:12:03.240 the goalpost keeps. 0:12:03.000 --> 0:12:05.920 Moving definitely, And I think it's just testament too. And 0:12:05.920 --> 0:12:08.600 I think the confidence also comes by the way, as 0:12:08.840 --> 0:12:11.120 knows happen in your life, the fact that you keep 0:12:11.160 --> 0:12:14.719 getting up, that actually builds confidence. It's not necessarily other 0:12:14.800 --> 0:12:17.360 people what they're saying to you. It's not the same 0:12:17.360 --> 0:12:19.960 people that asked what you were doing three years ago 0:12:20.000 --> 0:12:22.079 and you're feeling uncomfortable with them saying, Wow, what you're 0:12:22.120 --> 0:12:25.360 doing now is amazing. That actually doesn't real confidence. What 0:12:25.400 --> 0:12:28.800 builds confidence is when things don't go right, how you 0:12:28.840 --> 0:12:31.120 then react to them, and then you keep going and 0:12:31.120 --> 0:12:34.480 going and going. And I find the process and actually 0:12:34.520 --> 0:12:37.839 being active is what builds confidence rather than just sitting 0:12:37.880 --> 0:12:40.440 back and giving up. And so I think that's basically 0:12:40.440 --> 0:12:41.720 what you've done, which is incredible. 0:12:42.200 --> 0:12:44.840 Thank you, and I've tried, and you know, there's to 0:12:44.920 --> 0:12:48.720 that point, there's a really inspirational quote from Muhammad Ali 0:12:48.760 --> 0:12:51.200 that I'm going to completely mess up, but he had 0:12:51.280 --> 0:12:53.679 just lost a big fight or something. And I always 0:12:53.720 --> 0:12:56.720 remember this because I don't know. Boxing is just like 0:12:56.920 --> 0:12:58.560 you know, you win or you lose. It's such a 0:12:58.600 --> 0:13:00.840 high stakes game. You're getting punch for a living. And 0:13:00.880 --> 0:13:03.080 he had just lost a big fight and he was 0:13:03.120 --> 0:13:06.480 just basically saying, you know, it's important for my fans 0:13:06.520 --> 0:13:09.440 to see me lose because they will also lose in 0:13:09.520 --> 0:13:12.040 their life, and it's important for them to see how 0:13:12.080 --> 0:13:14.400 I handle loss and how I come back from it. 0:13:14.760 --> 0:13:16.800 And then he would go on to win the next 0:13:16.840 --> 0:13:18.800 couple of fights. But it's like I always remember that. 0:13:18.840 --> 0:13:22.760 It's like, oh gracious, yeah. 0:13:21.880 --> 0:13:24.000 Exactly, and sometimes not graciously. 0:13:24.679 --> 0:13:26.640 I'm like, I'm not gracious a lot of the time, 0:13:26.880 --> 0:13:29.520 but figuring out how to get back up. I think 0:13:29.800 --> 0:13:33.400 your character is really what you do when things are 0:13:33.440 --> 0:13:34.520 not going well for you. 0:13:34.679 --> 0:13:37.199 It's so easy to be a great person. 0:13:36.840 --> 0:13:40.760 And emanate kindness and love when you know everything's going 0:13:40.800 --> 0:13:43.400 your way, But when things aren't going your way, who 0:13:43.440 --> 0:13:43.680 are you? 0:13:43.760 --> 0:13:44.760 And that's who you are? 0:13:45.040 --> 0:13:47.520 Yeah, I want to switch gears a little bit because 0:13:47.559 --> 0:13:50.800 I need to know some horrific dating stories that have 0:13:50.880 --> 0:13:53.520 happened to you that have inspired you know who? I 0:13:53.559 --> 0:13:57.080 love hearing about Chad all the Chads, well, whoever's called 0:13:57.160 --> 0:14:00.400 Chad in the world is now got you to thanks 0:14:00.440 --> 0:14:03.480 for their popularity, because I'm not saying they've got a 0:14:03.480 --> 0:14:06.120 good name, but they're definitely popular now because of you. 0:14:06.640 --> 0:14:09.360 I feel very badly for all the good chats out there. 0:14:09.600 --> 0:14:12.240 I apologize, not in advance, because the damage is done, 0:14:12.280 --> 0:14:16.560 but I apologize. I think my dating stories are not 0:14:17.240 --> 0:14:20.040 dissimilar to most women's dating stories in their twenties in 0:14:20.120 --> 0:14:23.720 any major city. I just think because I dated so 0:14:23.880 --> 0:14:27.680 many people, I maybe had more experiences to draw from, 0:14:27.880 --> 0:14:31.720 and that was purely because I just couldn't find a 0:14:31.720 --> 0:14:35.680 guy to align with that maybe I really wanted to 0:14:35.720 --> 0:14:37.440 be with a guy and he didn't really want to 0:14:37.480 --> 0:14:39.600 be with me or couldn't be with me for several reasons, 0:14:39.600 --> 0:14:41.920 and maybe he wanted to be with me the next guy, 0:14:41.920 --> 0:14:44.280 but I didn't know if I wanted to be with him, 0:14:44.600 --> 0:14:46.800 and there was a lot of exploration, and I don't 0:14:46.840 --> 0:14:49.760 think I was ready for the marriage and the relationship 0:14:49.800 --> 0:14:51.880 that I thought I was in my early twenties. But 0:14:52.640 --> 0:14:57.440 I think I was very attracted to traumatize people in 0:14:57.440 --> 0:15:00.520 my early twenties. I'll tell you a story. So when 0:15:00.560 --> 0:15:02.840 I was I think twenty three, right, out of college. 0:15:03.040 --> 0:15:06.600 Tinder had just come on the market and dating aps 0:15:06.640 --> 0:15:09.320 were really popular, and I went on a date with 0:15:09.360 --> 0:15:11.160 a guy who was almost a decade older than me. 0:15:11.200 --> 0:15:12.840 I think he was like I was twenty three, he 0:15:12.880 --> 0:15:16.480 was thirty two. Yea, and that was my age range. 0:15:16.480 --> 0:15:19.000 I said anything within ten years, I'll do anything beyond that. 0:15:19.080 --> 0:15:20.440 I was like, eh, I think, is. 0:15:20.360 --> 0:15:22.880 That when you really started thinking about dating someone for 0:15:23.000 --> 0:15:23.480 long term? 0:15:23.640 --> 0:15:24.680 Oh, I was always pretty. 0:15:24.680 --> 0:15:25.960 When he was the girl in high school that I 0:15:25.960 --> 0:15:28.120 was like, it'd be great if I just found my husband. Now, 0:15:28.560 --> 0:15:32.120 I've never been casual, so I knew I was always 0:15:32.120 --> 0:15:33.600 looking for my husband. I go on a date with 0:15:33.640 --> 0:15:36.480 this guy. He's great on paper, really good looking, quite charming, 0:15:36.520 --> 0:15:39.640 and then pretty early into the date, maybe half an 0:15:39.640 --> 0:15:43.720 hour in, he tells me that he's been to jail before. 0:15:44.200 --> 0:15:46.160 And he's not saying it in a way that like 0:15:46.240 --> 0:15:48.600 he's ashamed of it. He's almost kind of like bragging 0:15:48.640 --> 0:15:51.320 because on paper he's so clean cut, he's a finance 0:15:51.440 --> 0:15:56.640 bro and he's and I was like very intrigued because 0:15:57.000 --> 0:15:59.560 obviously that's not what I was expecting. And you knew 0:15:59.600 --> 0:16:01.440 that that it's like kind of almost a source of 0:16:01.480 --> 0:16:04.040 pride for him and that should have been a red 0:16:04.080 --> 0:16:06.680 flag to me, like, maybe don't. 0:16:06.720 --> 0:16:07.200 And because then I. 0:16:07.200 --> 0:16:08.560 Asked him, I was like, what were you in jail for? 0:16:08.640 --> 0:16:11.720 And it was actually not anything crazy. It was marijuana 0:16:11.720 --> 0:16:15.240 was very, very heavily policed fifteen years ago. So he 0:16:15.360 --> 0:16:17.760 was on his college campus and he got caught. 0:16:18.000 --> 0:16:19.120 That was his bad boycott. 0:16:19.160 --> 0:16:20.160 That was his bad boycott. 0:16:20.480 --> 0:16:22.280 I'm in finance, but I know. 0:16:23.080 --> 0:16:25.040 He was like, I'm trying to be different, right, And 0:16:25.120 --> 0:16:27.400 I was like, oh, like, maybe don't date a man 0:16:27.440 --> 0:16:30.600 who needs to lead with his you know, prison rectory. 0:16:31.280 --> 0:16:32.720 I was like, does your So it. 0:16:32.760 --> 0:16:34.880 Was really interesting because it was like does your company 0:16:34.880 --> 0:16:37.560 know that? So then it got worse too, because okay, 0:16:37.600 --> 0:16:40.000 so I had an auntie be like, why are you 0:16:40.080 --> 0:16:43.600 dating this man? So he was like yeah, So I 0:16:43.720 --> 0:16:47.960 got arrested for having weed on me and whatever, went 0:16:48.000 --> 0:16:50.040 to court. They put me on probation. They were like, okay, 0:16:50.280 --> 0:16:53.400 just whatever, do community service, all of that. Just don't 0:16:53.400 --> 0:16:55.760 get into trouble for the next three months. And then 0:16:55.800 --> 0:16:58.400 he was like, but then I got into a bar 0:16:58.520 --> 0:17:02.120 fight outside of my front house within that probation period. 0:17:02.120 --> 0:17:03.720 The cops came and then they saw that I was 0:17:03.720 --> 0:17:05.720 already in probation and then I got thrown into jail 0:17:05.760 --> 0:17:09.600 for a month. That's not an insignificant amount of time. 0:17:09.640 --> 0:17:11.520 It was like he was in a holding cell for twenty. 0:17:11.280 --> 0:17:12.640 Four hours, right exactly. 0:17:13.040 --> 0:17:16.560 So my you know, friend's mom, who was like a 0:17:16.720 --> 0:17:20.159 second mom to me, was like, anybody that does something 0:17:20.160 --> 0:17:22.600 to land themselves in jail for a month. 0:17:23.080 --> 0:17:24.400 Is not somebody you should be dating. 0:17:24.440 --> 0:17:26.520 She's like, I don't care that it was technically weed 0:17:26.600 --> 0:17:29.440 and technically because he like punched somebody, It's like, don't 0:17:29.520 --> 0:17:32.280 date men that get into bar fights, Like that's just it, right, 0:17:32.280 --> 0:17:35.800 But there was something intriguing about that because I don't know. 0:17:35.880 --> 0:17:38.760 I guess I just didn't like healthy men. 0:17:40.000 --> 0:17:42.280 What did you learn about like from when you started 0:17:42.320 --> 0:17:44.679 dating in that time, so maybe in the last decade 0:17:44.720 --> 0:17:47.800 of dating before you found your husband, What did you 0:17:47.880 --> 0:17:51.320 learn about yourself in that dating experience of what you 0:17:51.359 --> 0:17:54.520 were looking for? And two, how did you change? Because 0:17:54.680 --> 0:17:57.880 let me tell you, so many of my friends and 0:17:59.040 --> 0:18:01.119 like i'd say, most of the women that I know, 0:18:01.520 --> 0:18:05.440 have this experience of going for men that are either 0:18:05.440 --> 0:18:11.240 emotionally unstable, erratic in their emotions, possessive, you know, all 0:18:11.280 --> 0:18:13.600 the kind of red flags that would come up, but 0:18:14.119 --> 0:18:17.280 being okay with them because oh, you know what, they've 0:18:17.280 --> 0:18:20.240 got good heart, or oh they're a little bit exciting. Yeah, 0:18:20.280 --> 0:18:22.600 so how did you go? But they're struggling now to 0:18:22.640 --> 0:18:24.520 find the man that they really want to settle down 0:18:24.520 --> 0:18:26.800