Speaker 1: Hell I Suck At Dating with Dean, Vanessa and Jared
Speaker 1: and I Heart Radio Podcast. Hello one and all, and
Speaker 1: welcome to an all new episode of Help I Suck
Speaker 1: At Dating. My name is Jared Haveven. Dean Angler is
Speaker 1: not in studio. I think he's in Japan right now.
Speaker 1: He's not in the country, He's not in country. He
Speaker 1: might not be on planet Earth. We don't know. We
Speaker 1: cannot confirm, nor deny Eastern Marcus in studio. The beautiful
Speaker 1: Vanessa Gamaldi coming to us live from another country as well,
Speaker 1: a little country know as Canadian shirt. You're very Canadian.
Speaker 1: I like plaid. Plaids nice. But we have a very
Speaker 1: important announcement right now. We just received breaking news that
Speaker 1: just happened five minutes ago. Guys in the dating world,
Speaker 1: It's incredible, sad, but also maybe a little happy. Lady
Speaker 1: Gaga and her fiance Christian karin No have ended their engagement.
Speaker 1: Now this is big news because the entire world, after
Speaker 1: seeing a Star is born, I'm pretty sure is shipping
Speaker 1: the relationship between Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper. And here
Speaker 1: is one step towards Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga. Finally,
Speaker 1: becoming the couple everybody in the United States and all
Speaker 1: around the world really wants to happen. Is Bradley Cooper single.
Speaker 1: No oh, come on, So don't put that energy onto him.
Speaker 1: I know I feel bad, but honestly, because here's the thing,
Speaker 1: Ashley has been behind this the whole time, like thinking
Speaker 1: that they're actually in love. There's actually a rumor a
Speaker 1: couple of days ago that Lady Gaga got a tattoo
Speaker 1: that was a secret shout out to Bradley Cooper. I
Speaker 1: don't know if you saw this, but she got a
Speaker 1: tattoo on what appears to be her arm, her forearm,
Speaker 1: and it's music notes. Yeah, she's also a musician, that
Speaker 1: is true. Yes, And apparently the notes spell g A
Speaker 1: g A Gaga. There's four notes on there. But somebody
Speaker 1: tweeted that they must they had information that apparently the
Speaker 1: notes spelling Gaga in the treble clef. I'm hoping I'm
Speaker 1: pronouncing that correctly spell bc BC in the base clef
Speaker 1: and b C b C Bradley Cooper, Bradley Cooper. Listen,
Speaker 1: I'm not saying it. I'm just reading what's on the internet. Okay, guys,
Speaker 1: all of a sudden, Lady Gaga ends her engagement. She's
Speaker 1: getting tattoos that could allude to Bradley Cooper. I've been
Speaker 1: against it this entire time. Let them live their lives,
Speaker 1: let them be happy. But now it's like, Okay, well
Speaker 1: she entered engagement, Bradley still with someone. Bradley is with
Speaker 1: a stunning woman, a stunning woman together too as well.
Speaker 1: But you know what, look at Orlando Bloom and Um,
Speaker 1: Katy Perry. They ended their relationship and now back together
Speaker 1: and now back together and engaged. Engaged yet? But can
Speaker 1: we talk about the engagement ring for a second. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I want to talk about it. What are your thoughts
Speaker 1: on it? So the um he was engaged? Who was
Speaker 1: engaged to previous to Katie Perry? Um, it was the
Speaker 1: guy from Getting to the Greeks brand. No, no, no,
Speaker 1: no, no no, I'm not talking about Lady Gaga. I'm saying
Speaker 1: Nando Bloom wasn't Miranda cur Randa cur and Miranda curs ring.
Speaker 1: Um looks like a flower, Like there's a diamond in
Speaker 1: the middle, and there's diamonds all around. And if you
Speaker 1: look at Katie's Katie Perry's new engagement ring given from
Speaker 1: Bradley from Orlando bloom. Uh looks basically the same, just
Speaker 1: different colors. Just like, yes, i'm looking, I'm looking at
Speaker 1: two pictures right now. I'm looking at Miranda curR. Oh,
Speaker 1: I'm looking. I'm a looking. But they're they're different colors,
Speaker 1: they're different styles. It's it's not that, No, it's the
Speaker 1: exact same style. Well it's a flower, yeah, but the
Speaker 1: flowers are completely different. I mean, all right, here's the thing.
Speaker 1: It does. Apparently her the Miranda what's her name or
Speaker 1: Miranda curs ring, I don't see the flower. I guess it.
Speaker 1: I guess it has a little bit of a flower
Speaker 1: shape with the diamond in the middle. And then Katy
Speaker 1: Perry's new ring, it's just it's the same. It's the
Speaker 1: same shape, but just different colors, but also like a
Speaker 1: different style because hers has like HER's it Katy Perry's
Speaker 1: looks bigger, and there's like it's like, what kind of
Speaker 1: flower would that be? What kind of flowers Katy Perry's
Speaker 1: engagement ring, it's basically a flower, like when kids draw
Speaker 1: flowers on a piece of paper, You draw like a circle,
Speaker 1: and then you draw circles all around that circle. Vanessa
Speaker 1: you're trying to say that Orlando Bloom gave an engagement
Speaker 1: ring to Katy Perry that resembles the illustrations of a
Speaker 1: third grader. I think it looks like a girl's cookie
Speaker 1: to me. Oh yeah, now I'm hungry. I can see
Speaker 1: a girl cell cookie. I guess I don't see the
Speaker 1: flower on the first engagement ring. I don't know. I'm
Speaker 1: looking at it right now. It just looks like a
Speaker 1: big dude, So we don't really can't. So if you
Speaker 1: got this from a guy and you knew he had
Speaker 1: given the other one to a previous fiance, this would
Speaker 1: bother you. Um. I mean if it was if it
Speaker 1: was the actual same ring, then yeah, I'd be like, dude,
Speaker 1: if it was as similar as what you're looking at
Speaker 1: right now, no, no, no, If it was similar, that's
Speaker 1: it's fine. But I would like him to be a
Speaker 1: little bit more creative. Maybe this is his favorite style
Speaker 1: of ring so well obviously, well was there when he
Speaker 1: got engaged with Miranda? Was there talk of a flowered
Speaker 1: shaped ring? Or is this just all coming out now
Speaker 1: because they resemble each other. It's all coming out now
Speaker 1: because they resemble each other. Interesting. I wonder if he
Speaker 1: even thought about it. I wonder if he was like, oh, yeah,
Speaker 1: I got Probably not. I mean, I'm assuming. Note, I
Speaker 1: don't know. I don't think it's that bad. I don't
Speaker 1: think it's that that crazy. Do you think it's crazy? Though?
Speaker 1: That are not crazy? Do you think it's a good
Speaker 1: idea for people to break up and then get back
Speaker 1: together again? Sure didn't justin timber Lake and Jessica Bill.
Speaker 1: There's a bunch of people who did that. Yeah. Actually,
Speaker 1: surprisingly enough, I was researching this and Kelly Rippa and
Speaker 1: Mark Consuelos. Is that is that same? Yeah, they broke
Speaker 1: up a day before they got so they broke up,
Speaker 1: and then they got back together, and then the day
Speaker 1: after they got back together that eloped and have been
Speaker 1: together for I don't know how many years. You can't
Speaker 1: truly know unless you let it go. There is something
Speaker 1: to that. There is. Amy and I broke up for
Speaker 1: literally less than forty eight hours. But that break up
Speaker 1: maybe not you could argue that, but at the moment
Speaker 1: it felt very major and upsetting. But it also made
Speaker 1: us both realize that this is stupid. How long were
Speaker 1: you guys together when this breakup occurred? I would say
Speaker 1: three years? So a decent amount significant. Yeah, were you
Speaker 1: guys married yet? Okay? Yeah, I'm I I know a
Speaker 1: very healthy couple now that have been married for a
Speaker 1: very long time that broke up years back for a
Speaker 1: few months and realized that they couldn't live without one another.
Speaker 1: I think I think people have there's like a bad
Speaker 1: taste in people's mouth when they realize a couple broke
Speaker 1: up and now they're back together, because maybe there's a
Speaker 1: trust issue or people think there is. But man, there's
Speaker 1: something to be said about appreciating somebody else and you
Speaker 1: can't really appreciate them unless you experience life without them.
Speaker 1: You look at yeah, I mean, look at Justin Bieber
Speaker 1: and Haley h Baldwin, Um, Miley Cyrus and Liam just
Speaker 1: got married and they were engaged and they broke their
Speaker 1: engagement and now they're married. Yeah, So I think it.
Speaker 1: I think it comes down to how you you relationships.
Speaker 1: I'm someone that was very black and white growing up
Speaker 1: in my twenties and now coming off with a bachelor
Speaker 1: and you know, just being able to be open to
Speaker 1: different types of relationships has shaped me into someone that
Speaker 1: is open to that kind of gray zone where I
Speaker 1: mean Vanessa life is happening in the gray. I know
Speaker 1: it's so, and I'm learning. I'm trying. I know it's
Speaker 1: a it's a big struggle of mine to swim in
Speaker 1: the areas of gray, and I'm really trying to get
Speaker 1: better at it. You gotta swim in it, you gotta
Speaker 1: breathe in it. You gotta really just accept trying. At
Speaker 1: least I'm admitting it though. That's you know, hey, the
Speaker 1: first step in solving a problem is realizing that there
Speaker 1: is one. Also, you said Haley Baldwin did Haley never
Speaker 1: changed her name. She's not Haley Bieber, She's just Haley Baldwin.
Speaker 1: Thinks she is Haley Bieber. Is that she's Harley Eastern.
Speaker 1: You're nodding your head as if you know Haley is
Speaker 1: the kind of thing that Easter Biber Baldwin. It is
Speaker 1: Haley Bieber Instagram. Her legal name know is Haley Road Bieber.
Speaker 1: I didn't know that, which is actually a full sentence.
Speaker 1: So there's still together though, right because I heard rumors
Speaker 1: that they were I mean, I knew that they were
Speaker 1: going in counseling, and they were very beautiful thing. It
Speaker 1: is a very beautiful thing. I hope they're doing all right.
Speaker 1: I suggest counseling before it hits the fan in a relationship,
Speaker 1: because that's when you have to start undoing a mess
Speaker 1: and undoing so much hurt that's been done to two people.
Speaker 1: It's I think, um, yeah, I think a couple of
Speaker 1: therapy is great when you're like getting to know each
Speaker 1: other and super excited and you know, working on yourself
Speaker 1: and working on the relationship. I think that's uh for
Speaker 1: me at least, it's it's it makes me feel very
Speaker 1: optimistic about a relationship because that means that person is
Speaker 1: willing to put in the work and not run away.
Speaker 1: If it's kind of like trying to stop a cold
Speaker 1: before occurs. You know how your road starts getting a
Speaker 1: little itchy, it's a little irritated. You don't want it
Speaker 1: to get worse. Yeah, you know, you got got to
Speaker 1: get that emergency emergency really the fan. So what would
Speaker 1: you say to people who would say that if you
Speaker 1: have to be in therapy when you're still dating, well,
Speaker 1: you don't need to be in therapy with double the advocate,
Speaker 1: devil's advocate throwing them out there. Yeah, I don't agree
Speaker 1: with that, because then I think you're kind of taking
Speaker 1: the easy road out. It's the grass is greener on
Speaker 1: the other side. Mentally, compare it. I compare it to
Speaker 1: we we live in a society that's so superficial, Like
Speaker 1: you know, we put on our best self on Instagram,
Speaker 1: these filters we put on Instagram, and you know, all
Speaker 1: these things that we do to ourselves physically going to
Speaker 1: the gym and eating well to look good. But what's
Speaker 1: really happening internally, what's happening in our head? And why
Speaker 1: aren't we working on exercising our feelings and exercising our
Speaker 1: communication skills and bettering that um And I think it's
Speaker 1: still seen as you know, a sign of oh, well,
Speaker 1: your relationship is not really strong. If you're going to
Speaker 1: therapy and being able to be open to talk about that,
Speaker 1: that means you guys really have shoes. No, it means
Speaker 1: like I'm going to the gym for my brain, and
Speaker 1: so is my boyfriend. I also think commitment is a choice,
Speaker 1: and so when you commit yourself to someone, if things
Speaker 1: are going poorly, you should do what you need to
Speaker 1: do to try to fix those things, and then includes therapy.
Speaker 1: But I don't think it's necessarily just fixing. I think
Speaker 1: it's just checking in. Right. When you're going to the gym,
Speaker 1: you're not really fixing anything. You're fixing I'm fixing this thing.
Speaker 1: If I'm going to the gym, you could be maintaining
Speaker 1: as well, right because you're not just going to go
Speaker 1: and then stop, because then what ends up happening. So
Speaker 1: it's about maintaining um. And I think it's it's such
Speaker 1: a beautiful thing and I'm so grateful that I did
Speaker 1: it while I was on the Bachelor, And that's like
Speaker 1: one of my biggest takeaways from the show is a
Speaker 1: therapy I did well. We have some wonderful guests coming
Speaker 1: up on this episode of the podcast. We have the
Speaker 1: author of a new book called A Terrible Data, Sabrina
Speaker 1: must and then we also have coming in later on
Speaker 1: life coach Mike Bayer. He's also known as Coach Mike,
Speaker 1: who just wrote a book called Best Self, Be You
Speaker 1: Only Better. He's actually a guest on Dr Phil Weekly,
Speaker 1: so we're very excited. He treats celebrities like Jennifer Lopez.
Speaker 1: Uh So he's a big deal. We're very excited for
Speaker 1: him to come into the podcast today. I feel like
Speaker 1: it's going to be a really enlightening podcast, and it's
Speaker 1: going to be an incredibly enlightening podcast. And we actually
Speaker 1: have Sabrina Musk coming up in just a moment. Who
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Speaker 1: Dean to try it out. Today on the line joining us.
Speaker 1: Right now, we have the author of the new book
Speaker 1: called A Terrible Data. Sabrina must Is on the line.
Speaker 1: Sabrina are you there, Yeah, Sabrina. Sabrina. That's such a
Speaker 1: great name, because obviously reminds me of Sabrina the Teenage,
Speaker 1: which which was a big show in my growing years.
Speaker 1: So Sabrina, tell us a little bit about yourself and
Speaker 1: then tell us about your book. Yeah, I'm from Michigan.
Speaker 1: I'm actually here right now in my parents house. It's
Speaker 1: freezing here, but I live in San Diego. And the
Speaker 1: new book I've you know, I haven't come out with
Speaker 1: a new book in about seven or eight years, and
Speaker 1: I do a lot of blogging and run a content
Speaker 1: company and then obviously write books. And the book is
Speaker 1: really it's not just for singles. Um, it's about what
Speaker 1: are we taught about dating and courtship and all the
Speaker 1: ridiculousness that kind of goes along with that, and um,
Speaker 1: it kind of is the message of empowerment and discovery.
Speaker 1: But it has a lot of ridiculous anecdotes over the year,
Speaker 1: so um, very fun and you know, humorous, and UM,
Speaker 1: I mean it's dating. Who who doesn't have a lot
Speaker 1: of ridiculous stories? Oh yeah, I know, I do. I
Speaker 1: wanted to know how did you start? So I see
Speaker 1: that you have you have a blog and you travel
Speaker 1: a lot. How did you become a writer? I know
Speaker 1: the story if you want to share that story. I
Speaker 1: find it's so empowering, the you know, it's funny. I had.
Speaker 1: So I went to school out east in Baltimore and
Speaker 1: UM Hopkins at a at a writing seminars program. It's
Speaker 1: like a pretty prestigious writing program. But I was one
Speaker 1: of the few in the whole program that didn't have
Speaker 1: this like master plan to become an author. UM. I
Speaker 1: just kind of did the degree because I liked all
Speaker 1: the distribution classes and I didn't want to do UM
Speaker 1: international relations anyways. So about a month before I was
Speaker 1: finishing up, my oldest sister died, UM committed suicide, and
Speaker 1: I moved back to Michigan and I just kind of
Speaker 1: started writing, which turned into this book UM called Must
Speaker 1: Girls Off. It's my first book, and it's very intense.
Speaker 1: It's a very different in some ways, there's a similarity
Speaker 1: because it's still memoir and it's still UM very raw
Speaker 1: and honest, like a terrible data but it's very intense,
Speaker 1: and I always kind of prefaced that for anyone, but
Speaker 1: I just kind of that was like my outlet. And
Speaker 1: then I started writing UM the Living Witnesses the Holocaust
Speaker 1: IF publication with my mom to a photographer, and it
Speaker 1: just kind of everything just kind of you know, I
Speaker 1: just one ft after the next and just kind of
Speaker 1: fell into it. Um, but not you know, the life
Speaker 1: trajectory so to speak, that I had kind of planned.
Speaker 1: So um, yeah, you know it's you. You always I
Speaker 1: did a lot of things that weren't healthy for me
Speaker 1: in terms of grief, and then a lot of things
Speaker 1: that were really healthy, and this was like one of
Speaker 1: those things. So so did you find writing was a
Speaker 1: therapeutic way for you to maybe kind of reconnected because
Speaker 1: there was a loss of a connection and that was
Speaker 1: their way of grieving. It was it was the best
Speaker 1: way that I could have spent especially those first two
Speaker 1: years they were some of the most like the most
Speaker 1: intense in my life. And it a lot of it
Speaker 1: was selfish, Like it was the way that I was
Speaker 1: grieving and then knowing that I was going to help
Speaker 1: someone else that I didn't understand what was going on
Speaker 1: when they were going to you know, eventually grieve someone
Speaker 1: that was very close to them. Um. And then on
Speaker 1: you know, on the flip side, people that have never
Speaker 1: lost someone closed um, for them to have kind of
Speaker 1: an insider look of hey, this is what's really going on.
Speaker 1: And you know once like un Jewish so well not religious,
Speaker 1: but you know one ship was over once. Um, I
Speaker 1: don't know all the different denominations, Like how they kind
Speaker 1: of grieve, um around funerals but once everyone goes home
Speaker 1: and a month later and everyone forgets about it. Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: that's rights Like life stucks right right. I mean really,
Speaker 1: how we spoke about this before on the podcast in
Speaker 1: the seventh stage of grieving and how you can get
Speaker 1: stuck in one stage. Um. And your story is so
Speaker 1: powerful and you sound like such an amazing influence for
Speaker 1: for women and men and everyone out there. Um. So
Speaker 1: I'm I want to say thank you for sharing your
Speaker 1: story because it is a powerful one. And now you're
Speaker 1: diving into the relationship aspects of things, and I want
Speaker 1: to ask you what does a healthy relationship look for you? Yeah,
Speaker 1: you know it's been that in itself is kind of
Speaker 1: pendourney over the years, um and kind of deconstructing everything
Speaker 1: that I was taught. And um, my parents are still together,
Speaker 1: they love each other, do they have the healthiest relationship? Hell? Now, Um,
Speaker 1: you know my dad is I love him, but he's
Speaker 1: overly reactive and my mom does her own thing, and
Speaker 1: and so you take all these examples around you, and
Speaker 1: then you take all the knowledge that constantly thrown at you,
Speaker 1: or people say that it's knowledge um from media and
Speaker 1: from all the movies and everyone else that considers that
Speaker 1: I'm a dating and that, and then all of a
Speaker 1: sudden you have to go, well, shoot, that doesn't really
Speaker 1: this is life. So yeah. And so then suddenly over
Speaker 1: the years and I do I think some of it
Speaker 1: just kind of comes with age and failing a million
Speaker 1: times until you go, oh, like, this is what a
Speaker 1: healthy relationship is. And I don't think that you know
Speaker 1: what it is until you're in it. I think you
Speaker 1: brought up a really good point as you as you
Speaker 1: grow up and you see your parents interact, and you
Speaker 1: see people like in Disney movies and all these romantic
Speaker 1: stories that end up in a really happy ending, and
Speaker 1: but you don't see what actually happens behind closed stores,
Speaker 1: and we emulate someone else's love story as we grew up.
Speaker 1: At least I know I did. I hope really talked
Speaker 1: about my parents divorce and how hard it was. I
Speaker 1: was a team when they got divorced, and I did
Speaker 1: there a therapy session last night with my therapist, and
Speaker 1: we went through like why I have some sort of
Speaker 1: trust issues and how it dates back to over ten
Speaker 1: years ago of something that happened so significant that I
Speaker 1: guess I try to brush over and think, you know,
Speaker 1: I was over it, but mm hmm there was parts
Speaker 1: of it that I still needed to work on. Um So,
Speaker 1: and I love that this book is not only for
Speaker 1: single people. It's for basically anyone that wants to fall
Speaker 1: in love and wants to find that connection. Well, Sabrina,
Speaker 1: yet you guys talked about emulating uh movies, TV shows.
Speaker 1: A lot of people accused The Bachelor of being a
Speaker 1: part of that, of showcasing a love that isn't really
Speaker 1: possible in teaching uh people, you know, give an example
Speaker 1: of what love should be, but giving a bad example.
Speaker 1: I think a lot of people talk about The Bachelor
Speaker 1: like that because Sabrini talked about false truth. Well, I'm
Speaker 1: not saying that's that's what it is or not. I'm
Speaker 1: just saying what people have said because you say the
Speaker 1: lack of dating education, is that what you mean by that?
Speaker 1: Like what people see some ways? I think that we
Speaker 1: can define that in a lot of different you know,
Speaker 1: going to the bathtor I listen, if you're in the
Speaker 1: spotlight and there's something someone could see a false in
Speaker 1: what you're doing, whether it's a show or a person
Speaker 1: or whatever. Um, people latched onto that was like, oh,
Speaker 1: this is the reason, Like you're you're to blame, and
Speaker 1: the reality is, you know, if you take I haven't
Speaker 1: been on the bathrooor. I have actually a funny story
Speaker 1: where like I actually was asked to like audition at
Speaker 1: the end kind of thing. But it was two years ago,
Speaker 1: and yeah, you know it's it was like last minute
Speaker 1: I was. It was the end of August. They had
Speaker 1: me drive up to l A. My friend who's a
Speaker 1: comedi in l A knew one of the producers, and
Speaker 1: they like looked me over. They were really interested, and
Speaker 1: they looked at me as I was leaving, they got
Speaker 1: we gotta stay. You're kind of abreast of fresh air
Speaker 1: because I kept seeing all these ridiculous these women coming
Speaker 1: in that were so different for me. You know, it
Speaker 1: was like I was definitely over the hill kind of
Speaker 1: in bachelor years. Um. And it's just you know, they
Speaker 1: said to me at the end, they were like, we
Speaker 1: just try to fit. They basically try to fit a puzzle.
Speaker 1: So everything, every person is a character and it just
Speaker 1: didn't work out for whatever reason. But UM, interesting experience.
Speaker 1: But you know, if you remove the TV, you know,
Speaker 1: or the cameras, I know that a lot of people
Speaker 1: go on the show just because they want the same
Speaker 1: or whatever. They have ulterior motives. But the reality is
Speaker 1: that people fall in love like that all the time,
Speaker 1: like very quick. They don't really get to know each
Speaker 1: other at the beginning, you know. And and so you
Speaker 1: can't really blame the Bachelor. I think that it really
Speaker 1: stems from you know, years and years and years of
Speaker 1: building this up as you want that spark in that
Speaker 1: fast romance and you know, it's like the go to
Speaker 1: Vegas and get a like Elope kind of fantasy. Um,
Speaker 1: it's not just the Bestler thing. Like Bastler didn't create
Speaker 1: that ideal of um immediate love. It just you know,
Speaker 1: kind of perpetuated that. But UM, I think it's possible.
Speaker 1: I just think it's more rare than it is you
Speaker 1: know reality. So how do we better educate everybody on dating? UM?
Speaker 1: I really think it comes down to I think one
Speaker 1: of my biggest things when it comes to dating is
Speaker 1: it's kind of about kindness. And in realizing that it's enough,
Speaker 1: it's like it's a human being that you're interacting with,
Speaker 1: and so when you no longer I've always have said
Speaker 1: to people like, I'm not so concerned with how someone
Speaker 1: is when I'm dating him. I'm concerned how he treats
Speaker 1: me after. And that tells me so much more about
Speaker 1: the person. When you're hurt and or if I've hurt
Speaker 1: your ego or if you hurt me, like how we
Speaker 1: treat one another as human beings and so as kids,
Speaker 1: if we can really treat each other, how like to
Speaker 1: teach these children how to I sound like such like
Speaker 1: a preacher, if we teach kids better about listen, this
Speaker 1: is what this is what emphasy is, and this is
Speaker 1: how you actually communicate with another human being. And when
Speaker 1: you're not interested, you know, this is really what you
Speaker 1: should say to them, not just ghost them or being
Speaker 1: mean to them or put them down or humiliate them.
Speaker 1: And it and I think that once you kind of
Speaker 1: it becomes a domino effect where people actually start being
Speaker 1: just nicer to one another and not seeing it as
Speaker 1: something like a personal attack. It's just, hey, we just
Speaker 1: didn't work out, and and you know, and and I
Speaker 1: don't know. I mean, there there's a lot of difference.
Speaker 1: So yeah, but when we talk about breakups though, like
Speaker 1: ego always gets in the way, right, because it's a
Speaker 1: huge factor. And I think once you allow yourself to
Speaker 1: really see, Okay, well, obviously, if this person doesn't want
Speaker 1: to be with me and there's a reason why we're
Speaker 1: not working out, then why am I trying to fight
Speaker 1: for it? And then you start to rationalize like, Okay,
Speaker 1: it makes sense that we're not together. But I think initially,
Speaker 1: at least for me, I admit it my egos like
Speaker 1: what for sure that I NA see this coming? Yeah,
Speaker 1: But again, some of that is like doing the work
Speaker 1: on yourself as like to say, is that sounds and
Speaker 1: and having more experiences as an adult where you learn
Speaker 1: to kind of separate. Okay, is this is this just
Speaker 1: my ego? Or is this actually like what's like what's
Speaker 1: reality here? And and why am I hurt? Or why
Speaker 1: do I think this person is the right person for me? Um?
Speaker 1: I mean you know, I mean the amount of times
Speaker 1: that I like hit myself over the head where I
Speaker 1: was just so set on wanting to be with the
Speaker 1: particular man and he didn't want me and I'm sitting
Speaker 1: there going, no, You're just wrong, Like maybe not even
Speaker 1: to him, just to my friends, going he's wrong, you know.
Speaker 1: I just he's going to realize how cool I am. Yeah,
Speaker 1: Like how does he not realize him? No matter? Stupid,
Speaker 1: We're all stupid. Sabrina is a terrible data the title
Speaker 1: where'd that come from? Are you the terrible data? Um?
Speaker 1: I think that people? Yeah, so yes, UM, I don't necessarily.
Speaker 1: I was just on a did a little TV thing
Speaker 1: in Detroit this morning and they introduced the book as
Speaker 1: a self proclaimed terrible data and I gotta be kicked
Speaker 1: out of that. Um. I was actually sitting on my
Speaker 1: couch working with one of my interns and worth throwing
Speaker 1: and she had just read it like a few days before,
Speaker 1: and worth throwing aways that I could not come up
Speaker 1: with what do I title this? So a few months ago,
Speaker 1: and all of a sudden she like, throw a gen
Speaker 1: of that and I was like, well, what about terrible dator?
Speaker 1: And we both looked each other, We're like yes. And
Speaker 1: a lot of people would say I had a conversation
Speaker 1: after the fact, was my best friend, who's of course
Speaker 1: heard all my dating you know, disasters and give me
Speaker 1: advice over the years, and I for her and and
Speaker 1: I was like, well, maybe the title doesn't really work,
Speaker 1: Like I'm not that bad. And she looked at she
Speaker 1: was like, Sabrina, you are terrible. But but Sabrina, what
Speaker 1: makes you terrible at dating? Because I don't follow the rules. Um,
Speaker 1: I just say things that I don't I think that
Speaker 1: most people just they don't say or and I don't think.
Speaker 1: I think in some ways that makes me a good data,
Speaker 1: but it just doesn't. Ever, that's not that's not the norm.
Speaker 1: The guy, it's not the norm. Yes, Um, I break
Speaker 1: social norms a lot when I'm dating and it kind
Speaker 1: of catches people off guard. Well, keep breaking those social norms,
Speaker 1: keep breaking them, and then a guy will come around.
Speaker 1: A guy will smart. No, I mean I have a
Speaker 1: boy for right now and he's yeah, no. I mean.
Speaker 1: So you're not a terrible data, I know, but there's
Speaker 1: a lot of situations where I guess what I was
Speaker 1: supposed to do. Well, we really appreciate you coming in, Sabrina.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for joining us. Um So your
Speaker 1: book A Terrible Data can be found? Where can it
Speaker 1: be found? Amazon, Barnes and Nobles, Allmason we're getting into
Speaker 1: some of the bookstores. But if you just go, if
Speaker 1: you go to my site Sabrina must dot com, there's
Speaker 1: links to order directly from the site or to go
Speaker 1: to Amazons on Kindle's paperback. Um, kind of all the
Speaker 1: normal spots. So yeah, these parties too, right, I mean
Speaker 1: I do. So we're I'm in Michigan right now, Detroit Suburbs.
Speaker 1: We're throwing one on Thursday, which should be super fun.
Speaker 1: It's in Birmingham, Michigan if anyone lives there, Um at
Speaker 1: Dick o'dow's. And then next next Thursday on they in
Speaker 1: San Diego, we're doing it at I Fly, which is
Speaker 1: like the indoor sky diving. Um, who I have fine
Speaker 1: I divers in the two is to be super fun.
Speaker 1: That would be great. Maybe you could just throw two
Speaker 1: people in at sky diving at the same time and
Speaker 1: see if it actually a really good idea. Be a
Speaker 1: great test that now, well, Sabrina, thank you so much
Speaker 1: again for joining us. You're awesome guys. You can go
Speaker 1: check out more of what Sabrina is up to by
Speaker 1: checking out her website Sabrina uh Sabrina must dot com.
Speaker 1: That's where her lifestyle blog is. It's where you can
Speaker 1: get her book. We appreciate it. Thank you so much, guys,
Speaker 1: Thank you Sabrina. She was very sweet. I like her
Speaker 1: a lot. I like her reasoning of how people can
Speaker 1: get better at dating is simply bye, just being kind
Speaker 1: to one another. It's this, It's just the most subtle
Speaker 1: and obvious thing, but it really is true. Necessarily kind
Speaker 1: I think my take on it is um obviously kindness,
Speaker 1: but just being transparent and not hiding at least that's
Speaker 1: what I look for in a relationship at the beginning.
Speaker 1: I I talk about this all the time, where people
Speaker 1: feel like they're on just it's an audition and auditioning
Speaker 1: process and they were trying to be a version of
Speaker 1: themselves that they're not, or a part of themselves that's
Speaker 1: only like maybe ten but that's the ten percent that
Speaker 1: the person they're dating is absolutely in love with. And
Speaker 1: then they try to prolong this part of them that's
Speaker 1: not really fully them, and then you only get to
Speaker 1: know that a year or two years down the line.
Speaker 1: That's what happened with the next of mine, who for
Speaker 1: two years and a half said that he wanted kids. Well,
Speaker 1: I think that's what happens everybody, a lot of people.
Speaker 1: That's why a lot of people, including ourselves, say that
Speaker 1: you have to know someone for at least a year
Speaker 1: before even thinking about getting engaged. I don't even know.
Speaker 1: I mean people, I don't know, Mark, what do you
Speaker 1: think about that? Eastern I'm a fan of the longer
Speaker 1: engagement relationship before engagement because I don't see any downside
Speaker 1: to it. There's plenty of downside of rushing into something.
Speaker 1: There's no downside of dating somebody for three or four
Speaker 1: years before you get engaged, unless that biological clock is ticking.
Speaker 1: I wouldn't know. I'm not thinking biological clock. I'm just
Speaker 1: thinking people will always have not always. I take that back,
Speaker 1: but I people changed throughout the years, and if they're
Speaker 1: not fully working on what's happening internally with themselves, then
Speaker 1: they will always be that same person. If you marry
Speaker 1: them three months, in four years, in five decades in
Speaker 1: you'll find out what's really happening within them once they're
Speaker 1: ready to Unleasha. Well, that's the tough part about relationships.
Speaker 1: Vanessa even mentioned it. People, especially on the first day
Speaker 1: or the first couple of days, and only show the
Speaker 1: best version of themselves and then as you get more
Speaker 1: comfortable with each other, your truer self starts coming out
Speaker 1: more and more. But on top of that, I feel
Speaker 1: like people evolve, people change, Like Mark, are you the
Speaker 1: same guy that you were when you first got married?
Speaker 1: Definitely not, because I do think it's a women's job
Speaker 1: to train their man, so you just get ripped into shape.
Speaker 1: I'm a much better person than I watched that's the
Speaker 1: correct wife. But has have you? Has your wife changed
Speaker 1: as a personally? I think so? Yeah. I think motherhood
Speaker 1: changes a person pretty dramatically. So does that change your
Speaker 1: love at all? Because that's what always been on my
Speaker 1: mind is that I feel like I'm a different man
Speaker 1: now than I was when I was twenty five, and
Speaker 1: I'm assuming I'll be a different man when I'm thirty
Speaker 1: five than I am now. Having said that, does that
Speaker 1: mean my relationship with Ashley will be different? Will my
Speaker 1: love for her be different? It's just an interesting concept
Speaker 1: that I haven't experienced yet. I think because you've changed,
Speaker 1: you've changed in a way to accept different women in
Speaker 1: your life. So maybe if you were twenty four years old,
Speaker 1: you probably wouldn't have dated someone like Ashley, But now
Speaker 1: that you are more mature, and you know you've experienced
Speaker 1: more in your life, you were ready to date a
Speaker 1: woman like Ashley. Yes, I agree, but I guess I'm
Speaker 1: projecting into the future and questioning what kind will it change?
Speaker 1: How will I change? And I think Mark, you can
Speaker 1: answer you well, what I have found after twenty two
Speaker 1: years with my wife is that, um, you both changed,
Speaker 1: but you changed together. It's like an evolutionary process as
Speaker 1: a couple. But I also find that when my wife
Speaker 1: and I get away from the kids and have time
Speaker 1: to travel just the two of us, it's amazing how
Speaker 1: quickly we are kids again. How quickly you know I was,
Speaker 1: you know, when we were in twenties and dating. That's
Speaker 1: what it feels like. The second we get away from
Speaker 1: our kids, we go we went to Toronto a year
Speaker 1: or two ago, we went to London. When we get
Speaker 1: time to ourselves, it's amazing how quickly it comes back,
Speaker 1: How quickly revert to those two kids that were just
Speaker 1: young and in love and dating. And that's you do well.
Speaker 1: I mean, it's a long story, but we were our
Speaker 1: parents are living Wisconsin's we're leaving the kids in Wisconsin.
Speaker 1: We wanted to get away. We didn't want to go
Speaker 1: too far away. You're not going to go to Italy, right,
Speaker 1: But Toronto is a whole other country. It's like, you know,
Speaker 1: there's an exoticness to that. But anyway, that was the
Speaker 1: whole idea. But that's what I love how quickly it
Speaker 1: comes back. That's really adorable. I think you'll find the
Speaker 1: same one day. I hope so. Because kids do take
Speaker 1: over every part of your life. That's what everybody keeps
Speaker 1: telling us that they want us to have kids. But
Speaker 1: please wait, because as soon as you have kids, your
Speaker 1: entire life is different. So we're excited. We're also very
Speaker 1: nervous because I'm afraid that I'll just never sleep again.
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Speaker 1: at function of beauty dot com. And we have another
Speaker 1: very special guest that has joined us in studio, the
Speaker 1: very larger than Life, the life coach himself, Mike Bear.
Speaker 1: Am I saying Mike Bear Bear? Yeah, I am such
Speaker 1: a huge fan of yours when I found out you
Speaker 1: were coming on UM because I've seen you on Dr Phil.
Speaker 1: I know you've worked with like j Lo who's like
Speaker 1: my ultimate hero and idol um and so I'm super
Speaker 1: excited about this. UM. You have an amazing backstory which
Speaker 1: I know a little bit about UM, and I guess
Speaker 1: can you give us a little bit of a history
Speaker 1: as to how you became who you are today because
Speaker 1: it's such a powerful story and your journey is so
Speaker 1: incredible and touching. Oh thanks, thanks for having me too
Speaker 1: and talking to you from Afar only about you know
Speaker 1: three Yeah, Well, I mean I think we all we
Speaker 1: all have stories and uh kind of where we end
Speaker 1: up today. So a little bit about mine. As I
Speaker 1: grew up in Orange County, California. I grew up an athlete,
Speaker 1: went to a high school called Modern Day, which is
Speaker 1: a big athletic school. Monarch, Yes, the Monarchs. What sports
Speaker 1: did you play? Basketball? Yeah? I couldn't. Um, I had
Speaker 1: to work. I would say I did a lot of
Speaker 1: pump fakes. I wasn't so much you know, dunking on people,
Speaker 1: but um, hey whatever whatever you And so I went
Speaker 1: as a walk on the Fordham. I was already partying
Speaker 1: in high school. But by that time I went out
Speaker 1: to New York, I got heavily addicted to drugs and
Speaker 1: even more so, um, which I was just talking to
Speaker 1: someone earlier day. It's just interesting since marijuana has been legal,
Speaker 1: the amount of people we see who come in with
Speaker 1: marijuana proms as opposed to before. It's just kind of interesting.
Speaker 1: But yeah, yeah, it's jumped up a lot. Yeah. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I know a lot of people don't want to believe it,
Speaker 1: but I mean it makes sense. I I see more
Speaker 1: people in terms of addiction, Yeah, in terms of more
Speaker 1: people losing themselves and being depressed or anxious or paranoid.
Speaker 1: Like I mean a lot of people who started smoking
Speaker 1: two to three years ago, so they're they're they're in
Speaker 1: their thirties. Where is before when it wasn't legal used
Speaker 1: to see young adults or people have been doing it
Speaker 1: for twenty plus years. So anyways, I mean, long story short.
Speaker 1: I was addicted to meth um and I eventually went
Speaker 1: through treatment a few times. The last time I went
Speaker 1: through this final program, and when I got sober almost
Speaker 1: seventeen years ago, I started working as a counselor. That evolved.
Speaker 1: I started doing interventions. I started getting flown around the
Speaker 1: world really to help people who are in crisis and
Speaker 1: didn't want to get well. And then I opened up
Speaker 1: a treatment center in West Hollywood called cast Centers. And yeah,
Speaker 1: just my career has evolved a lot. And uh so
Speaker 1: I work with all different types of people. And I'm
Speaker 1: on doctor Phil every week. That that's pretty awesome. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's he's my coach, So he's my mentor. I'm with
Speaker 1: him every week. And how did that come about? Well,
Speaker 1: I had a charity. I threw these like um on
Speaker 1: music tours. It was called cast On tour, so I
Speaker 1: threw these personal development free events. So I would have like,
Speaker 1: you know, the Mayor of Boston speak in Boston, and
Speaker 1: um Iggy Azalea would speak in Brooklyn or you know,
Speaker 1: we would try to get influencers to make it cool.
Speaker 1: And he his team reached out to speak in l
Speaker 1: A And we kind of had a moment where I
Speaker 1: met him and I don't know, he's like a unicorn
Speaker 1: to me. You know, they don't come around a lot,
Speaker 1: but you know when you have chemistry with someone and
Speaker 1: you just kind of are like, like we're going to
Speaker 1: be best friends. Yeah, Like, I don't even think until
Speaker 1: I met him. I even looked up to a lot
Speaker 1: of people m hm in my career, Like I just
Speaker 1: with him. He's he's brilliant to me. And um, so
Speaker 1: he asked me if I want to jump on the show,
Speaker 1: and I said yeah, let's yeah. Yeah. Of course, if
Speaker 1: Dr Phil asked you to be on his show, you
Speaker 1: say yes, yes, always say yes, always yeah. And he's
Speaker 1: he's a great He's been my mentor now. So he
Speaker 1: got me to write the book. He wrote the foreword
Speaker 1: to Best Self, and um it's been a New York
Speaker 1: Times bestseller for congratulations on that or out last you know,
Speaker 1: six weeks. So it's just been that's amazing, It's been awesome.
Speaker 1: So the title of the book is best self You
Speaker 1: only better you got it. So in regards to dating, UM,
Speaker 1: what I find and what I'll do with a lot
Speaker 1: of couples is we create what's called their best self
Speaker 1: in the relationship or when they're dating, and we create
Speaker 1: what's called their anti self. So the best self is
Speaker 1: like who you authentically are when your feelings aren't heard, um,
Speaker 1: when you're you know, authentically you, and you create a
Speaker 1: character because I always say, our parents give us our names,
Speaker 1: but I like to kind of be in fantasy a
Speaker 1: little bit about who who are we at a deeper level.
Speaker 1: And then our anti self is that part of us
Speaker 1: that comes out, whether it be in dating or relationships.
Speaker 1: So I had people draw it, um describe it, and
Speaker 1: to own it. And I find that's a really good
Speaker 1: way for people to work on their ego, you know,
Speaker 1: instead of calling someone insecure on a date or because
Speaker 1: I know you guys give a lot of dating advice
Speaker 1: are helping a lot of people. I find that sometimes
Speaker 1: it's helpful for someone to just tap into who they
Speaker 1: truly are and not worry so much about even the
Speaker 1: other person liking them or not. What do you think
Speaker 1: of ego in what's context, in the context of whether
Speaker 1: it's good or bad or because you just said something
Speaker 1: that kind of You said that you have people draw
Speaker 1: there their better selflf best self, and they're anti self,
Speaker 1: like they're anti self. But then you said they draw
Speaker 1: their anti self to help control their ego. Well, when
Speaker 1: and when I talk about ego, I'm talking about ego,
Speaker 1: not Freudian ego. It's more like fear um, anything that
Speaker 1: keeps us feeling not truly ourselves. Because I think for
Speaker 1: me ego, I've always questioned myself and why I get
Speaker 1: so defensive certain towards certain Would that be your anti
Speaker 1: self or anti self? Yeah, so if you got I would,
Speaker 1: because like I get defensive sometimes it's you know, even
Speaker 1: on dumb stuffs, but it'll just trigger me and then
Speaker 1: I'll get defensive, and then ten minutes later I'll think
Speaker 1: to myself, why did I get so mad about that
Speaker 1: in the moment? Oh God, alright, So we're getting deep,
Speaker 1: not deep, But I since being engaged, I haven't been
Speaker 1: working out as much. I don't feel as confident in
Speaker 1: myself anymore, right as of right now, you put on
Speaker 1: a couple of pounds loss little definition. And Ashley was
Speaker 1: kind of joking and she said that like, oh, I
Speaker 1: have a pouch, and I got it's so mad and
Speaker 1: the kangaroos are cute. Maybe she was calling you a kangaroo. Well,
Speaker 1: it wasn't. It was just a joking thing that it
Speaker 1: was like a lighthearted moment that I just took the
Speaker 1: wrong way. And I got defensive because my ego got
Speaker 1: the best of me, because I was like, I'm not
Speaker 1: you know, I I don't have that. I don't put
Speaker 1: that much weight on well and so, but ten minutes
Speaker 1: later I was able to control myself and realize why
Speaker 1: the hell was I mad at that? She was joking.
Speaker 1: It was a lighthearted moment that I completely took the
Speaker 1: wrong way. Right. That's an example, small one, but in
Speaker 1: an example, Yeah, I mean I think that may not
Speaker 1: cause uh a lot of tension in your relationship. It's
Speaker 1: a very small one that it literally just came to mind. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And and normally it's it's a continual pattern, like it's
Speaker 1: where you could constantly feel insecure or not feeling enough right,
Speaker 1: And I like to create those voices and really give
Speaker 1: them a name. And that's what I call the anti self,
Speaker 1: which I found is helped people out tremendously if you actually,
Speaker 1: if you do the exercise, it really helped. So I'm
Speaker 1: gonna give this name the pouch. I don't know if
Speaker 1: this is your anti self, I mean, think about to me,
Speaker 1: it's more. Um, well, that was a very surface level
Speaker 1: of why you know a deeper one, Vanessa, I don't
Speaker 1: know if you have one off the top of your head. Well,
Speaker 1: I mean, I guess it's something that you already come
Speaker 1: into the relationship feeling insecure about and if someone highlights that,
Speaker 1: then you're going to feel defensive about it. And I think, Mike,
Speaker 1: I wanted to ask you. You know, childhood years are
Speaker 1: such a critical stage in our lives, um and we
Speaker 1: we look up to our parents and that's basically how
Speaker 1: we end up learning how to talk and act. We
Speaker 1: just imitate. And so at what point, I guess, at
Speaker 1: what point can we undo some of that wiring that
Speaker 1: we did in our brains that make us who we
Speaker 1: are today. But we want to also better that part
Speaker 1: that we're not proud of. I guess our Yeah. I
Speaker 1: mean there's some parts of us were really happy that
Speaker 1: our parents provided for us even could be genetically and
Speaker 1: other areas were like, oh my gosh, that sucks to
Speaker 1: grow up there. Yeah, like and it really started to
Speaker 1: program me and then that you know, I'm actually um
Speaker 1: going out to an elementary school in a week to
Speaker 1: do kind of these exercises with the kids because to
Speaker 1: your point, this isn't taught in schools, And so we
Speaker 1: end up as we mature and get to the point
Speaker 1: where we're like, oh, I really need to change something
Speaker 1: about myself because this is getting in the way or um.
Speaker 1: But people do change. I mean I've seen so many
Speaker 1: people change, but it takes work. I mean you're the
Speaker 1: perfect example of that. I have changed a lot. You know,
Speaker 1: I always think we're all work in progress, though, you know,
Speaker 1: it's it's just um uh the I maybe had darker
Speaker 1: thoughts towards myself than other people had. Um, but I
Speaker 1: think that um, knowing and owning those parts of ourselves
Speaker 1: that are keeping us from having a healthier relationship is
Speaker 1: really important. So would you say it's kind of practice
Speaker 1: makes perfect because when you talk about writing your anti
Speaker 1: self out and just gribing what those things are and
Speaker 1: trying to be aware of what they are. So when
Speaker 1: they have I'm assuming so when they happen, you're aware
Speaker 1: that it's happening in the moment. Yeah, we could try
Speaker 1: it if you want. So this is exercise No, but
Speaker 1: we could do that to any of Okay, well, so
Speaker 1: this is what we'll do, and anyone listening can do this,
Speaker 1: and that way you don't have to buy the book,
Speaker 1: but you will get more out of it. But you
Speaker 1: should still buy the book. But the book is like
Speaker 1: a workbook, so you'll mark it all up. But what
Speaker 1: you want to start off first, what you want to do?
Speaker 1: And I just did this, Like I just did this
Speaker 1: last week. And this isn't me name dropping. I just
Speaker 1: think it's really cool. I got Joe and Sophie to
Speaker 1: do it. Oh that's Joe Jonas, Yes, and Sophie turn
Speaker 1: I'm up to date on my pop culture. Yeah. So
Speaker 1: we call it the Best Self Challenge and the Challenges
Speaker 1: which I'm trying to make it a cool thing, kind
Speaker 1: of like what I was doing with the previous events
Speaker 1: I was doing. I'm always into, like, how do we
Speaker 1: make it cool to work on yourself? You have to.
Speaker 1: I know, otherwise it's awful because you have to work
Speaker 1: on yourself and it's boring. You're just like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: I don't want to do this, junk. I don't know
Speaker 1: what we can say on air here, junk is. So
Speaker 1: let's first, I think what we first want to do
Speaker 1: is identify. So you get a piece of paper and
Speaker 1: a pen out, and you start writing down characteristics that
Speaker 1: best describe who you authentically are. So, um, so what
Speaker 1: that means is you know, just grabbing a penny here? Good? Yeah,
Speaker 1: what does that mean authentically? Because I guess the best
Speaker 1: version of yourself? I think, well, I think when you
Speaker 1: think of, um, if you're listening to this right now,
Speaker 1: you should be doing the same thing. Just fun, grab
Speaker 1: a pen and a piece of paper, you got it,
Speaker 1: and so uh it would be like, you know, descriptions
Speaker 1: of yourself like, um, I'm extremely thoughtful, I like to
Speaker 1: make people feel comfortable. I have a good sense of humor.
Speaker 1: We're describing our better self. Yeah, like you're which I
Speaker 1: call true self. So when I when I think the
Speaker 1: best self, I always think of that's who you truly are. Um,
Speaker 1: And so you just kind of write down it could
Speaker 1: be in story for him, it could be descriptions. Let
Speaker 1: not take too long, Vanessa, My list is long. I know.
Speaker 1: I know for myself. When I'm running, uh so, I
Speaker 1: have a bunch of employees, and when I'm not being
Speaker 1: my best self, I'm agitated, like and I remind myself
Speaker 1: I tap back into it. I'm like, okay, my I
Speaker 1: get it now. So you want to remember what your
Speaker 1: best what the best version of yourself is, and tap
Speaker 1: back into that in order to get out of your
Speaker 1: anti self. Right, because the best version, if you tap
Speaker 1: into your best version, even you'd be able to communicate
Speaker 1: to your partner or what's upsetting you, were bothering you
Speaker 1: instead of just going into a place of being hurt,
Speaker 1: you could explain it in a clear way. So you wrote,
Speaker 1: so what you want to do work? Okay? Now you
Speaker 1: want to draw it? Oh, I'm drawing. Okay, Now you're
Speaker 1: drawing your best self? Okay, alright, definitely not a rose.
Speaker 1: You're drawing a rose? No, I said, it's definitely not
Speaker 1: a rose. Are you sure? I feel like that your
Speaker 1: best self in that's okay? Like I'm not being creative enough, Mark,
Speaker 1: don't look at my illustrations. Mark are you doing it too.
Speaker 1: I wasn't doing it, no, but maybe I should when
Speaker 1: I was overseeing. That's good. He was co facilitate. That's
Speaker 1: what I was doing. Okay, I think I'm done drying
Speaker 1: all right. Now, you want to name it, and it
Speaker 1: could be anything. It could be anything that feels authentic
Speaker 1: to you. So for me, my best self is a
Speaker 1: wizard named Merlin who's been around hundreds of years. So
Speaker 1: for me, because my emotions can go all over the place,
Speaker 1: so I always like to tap back into Merlin. Merlin,
Speaker 1: what would I name this? So my you name your
Speaker 1: true self? My my true self is named love Man.
Speaker 1: No log story behind that one. I feel like it's
Speaker 1: a player on the Eagles or something. No. Unfortunately, I
Speaker 1: was my limo exit. I opened my shirt to reveal
Speaker 1: an l on The Bachelor. I don't know if you're
Speaker 1: familiar with the show at all, but you have to
Speaker 1: exit out of a limo of night one, and some
Speaker 1: people have a little gimmick thing because you introduce yourself
Speaker 1: to the Bachelor the bachelorette. Some people do something gimmicky.
Speaker 1: Some people just introduce themselves. Some people have something planned,
Speaker 1: and so I had I'm a diehard Superman fan so awesome.
Speaker 1: They had a shirt made for me with the S symbalom,
Speaker 1: but instead of the S, they put an L in
Speaker 1: there for love Man. So I was introducing myself to
Speaker 1: shut up, Vanessa. I was introducing myself to There was
Speaker 1: two bachelorettes on my season for night one as love
Speaker 1: Man to there to like rid all of the evil
Speaker 1: men on night one, and I was not feeling No,
Speaker 1: I was not feeling it. I wanted to get it
Speaker 1: over as quickly as possible, and thank god it was
Speaker 1: breezed over and everyone forgot about You're embarrassed it was
Speaker 1: it was. It was embarrassing because it was I really
Speaker 1: just wanted to meet the girls. And then obviously, you know,
Speaker 1: you talk to some people and you come up with
Speaker 1: ideas of things that you could potentially do, potentially feel
Speaker 1: comfortable with doing, and and uh and so I was like, Okay,
Speaker 1: I can do this. I have figured out a way
Speaker 1: where I can phrase it and do it in a
Speaker 1: way that's not super creepy, and that's what we did.
Speaker 1: But in the moment, obviously I'm just sweating bullets because
Speaker 1: I think that these women are literally going to make
Speaker 1: me turn around and get back in the car and
Speaker 1: drive off, never to be seen again. Because it's I
Speaker 1: thought it might be the dumbest thing ever. It's worked out.
Speaker 1: It worked out fine, It worked out all right. I
Speaker 1: gotta still draw here, so alright, alright then, oh man,
Speaker 1: my this is just okay. Well I'm ready to let's
Speaker 1: see your illustrations. Vanessa. Oh okay, you didn't draw you.
Speaker 1: I did, but it's very it's very simple, Okay. I
Speaker 1: see mama, okay, with a son and a heart. A
Speaker 1: son a heart. Yeah, Because I feel like so if
Speaker 1: I if I look at what's authentically me, I guess
Speaker 1: my qualities. I should say I could put it that way.
Speaker 1: I am someone who's outgoing and compassionate. I'm very patient.
Speaker 1: I like to have open communication and honesty with people.
Speaker 1: I love to form connections, whether that's romantic connections or
Speaker 1: through friendships. And I like I feel like I'm I'm
Speaker 1: lighthearted sometimes and I like to make people laugh. So
Speaker 1: that's my authentically me. And I put a heart and
Speaker 1: a son because I just love to feel any form
Speaker 1: of goodness around me. So that could be happiness, that
Speaker 1: could be laughter, and that's nice weather as the sun
Speaker 1: now the sun is mostly for being around people that
Speaker 1: just brighten me and brightened my day. And um, they
Speaker 1: don't dim my light. No dimming of Vanessa's light, no
Speaker 1: dimming and my no dimming of Mama's lighting. Nobody DIDs
Speaker 1: Mama is like, that's my alter ego name Mama, because
Speaker 1: I want to be a mama. And I just feel
Speaker 1: like it's you know, I feel like, okay, it's pretty good.
Speaker 1: So was that the only one you had? Just that's
Speaker 1: the only name nickname I gave? Oh well I didn't,
Speaker 1: all right, so my I gotta think of a nickname
Speaker 1: my traits, I put your own name? Mean, yeah, you
Speaker 1: don't feel like that's creative enough. That's not creative enough,
Speaker 1: like Jay Jay, Hey, hey J, just reverse it? Hey J.
Speaker 1: All right, I'll go with hey j. H. My last
Speaker 1: name is haven uh so hey J's true self outgoing, social,
Speaker 1: caring and loving. And I drew pictures of outgoing of
Speaker 1: me with friends at a bar because I feel like
Speaker 1: I'm at my best self when I am out of
Speaker 1: my shell. I feel that there are a lot of
Speaker 1: times I like to stay in. I like to stay
Speaker 1: uh in my little comfort zone. And I find that
Speaker 1: I am my best self when I'm willing, uh not
Speaker 1: only to go out with my friends, but also more
Speaker 1: of a metaphorical explanation of willing to do things that
Speaker 1: are outside my comfort zone. Uh, same things social like
Speaker 1: going on the Bachelor, like uh, expressing to Ashley that
Speaker 1: I've over the past years, I might have really fed
Speaker 1: up and done some done stuff and I regret a
Speaker 1: lot of it. And if you're willing to forgive me,
Speaker 1: I'll do everything I can to make it up to you.
Speaker 1: Things like that. Willing to swallow my pride, so to speak.
Speaker 1: That's something that's uh that I don't usually do. Uh. Social,
Speaker 1: same thing. I find that when I'm by myself, I'm
Speaker 1: in my own head way too much, and there's just
Speaker 1: a lot of bad thoughts, paranoid thoughts. There are times, um,
Speaker 1: it's just you know, just yeah, this is perfect. So
Speaker 1: because we'll segue interient myself with whatever that is. Okay, Okay,
Speaker 1: So you got is ready to go deep? Said, are
Speaker 1: we ready to go deep? Mama? My second therapy session? Great,
Speaker 1: So this next part for your anti self, You're gonna
Speaker 1: be as honest as possible. Is that part of you
Speaker 1: that is getting in the way of you feeling more
Speaker 1: free or that you know is that part. It could
Speaker 1: be that time that you think like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: why do I keep saying that? Or it could be
Speaker 1: the messaging that you tell yourself, or it could be
Speaker 1: feeling paranoid when you're alone, or it's kind of really
Speaker 1: understanding what are those thoughts and feelings. And you're gonna
Speaker 1: do the same thing where you're going to create a character.
Speaker 1: And usually a lot of people have a lot of
Speaker 1: anti selves. And the interesting thing is I've done this
Speaker 1: with people and they've taken an honest look, is their
Speaker 1: anti self just starts to reduce because because now there's
Speaker 1: there's an understanding of it, whereas before we're just saying
Speaker 1: paranoid and it's not playful, it's not fun. It actually
Speaker 1: makes you feel bad. All right, So let's do this,
Speaker 1: So we're writing our anti self, Yes, the part of
Speaker 1: you that's getting in the way of feeling free. I
Speaker 1: feel like this one is harder because you don't want
Speaker 1: to admit to yourself that what actually bothers you. This
Speaker 1: one is easy, peasy. You can you can just say
Speaker 1: and some people have multiple anti selves. You can think
Speaker 1: of a moment that you find you behave with family.
Speaker 1: It could be in relationships, it could be on dates,
Speaker 1: it could be. Um, it's a pattern for you. And
Speaker 1: then we have to draw our anti self and then
Speaker 1: give ourselves that a name as well. I wonder if
Speaker 1: we're gonna be able to say this word on air.
Speaker 1: We're about to find out you just said the F
Speaker 1: word with no concern whatsoever. Hold on, here's the thing.
Speaker 1: If I drop an F bomb, I know that you
Speaker 1: are aware to be bleep it out right. This one
Speaker 1: is kind of in between. I think it's fine, but
Speaker 1: I think it's fine. All right, great, Yeah, if I
Speaker 1: say an afford, I know you hear it. That's why
Speaker 1: I even really make sure that I say it, so
Speaker 1: you know it. Okay, all right, we're drawing. Now, we're
Speaker 1: drawing it, Vanessa. How are you doing over there? Um?
Speaker 1: It sounds good doing well. So I'll give you some examples.
Speaker 1: I give you some examples if you want to people
Speaker 1: what they've created, like like I have. If that's helpful,
Speaker 1: I'll show you what I created. You're going to be oh, wait,
Speaker 1: come on, I don't know where I am. That's right
Speaker 1: over to the right. There we go. Okay, so your
Speaker 1: anti self is impatient, has trust issues O c D
Speaker 1: and controlling. Do you see them? Do you see the picture? Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's um looks say a mushroom someone barfing you a lot?
Speaker 1: Is that? Like? Did you not watch my first day
Speaker 1: with Nick? I'm were you guys were on that? You
Speaker 1: were on a spinning So I think I drew okay?
Speaker 1: So yeah, impatient. Authentically me, I'm very patient, But there
Speaker 1: are instances where either it's in my my dating life
Speaker 1: and my work life where I get super impatient and
Speaker 1: I'm like, how can this version of me come out?
Speaker 1: When I'm a special education teacher, I am so calm
Speaker 1: around my students and I'm patient with them. Why am
Speaker 1: I impatient with myself and with my partner trust issues? Um?
Speaker 1: Um hm, So I had a breakthrough yesterday. I am
Speaker 1: one of the only one that cries on this podcast yesterday.
Speaker 1: UM in my therapy session where UM, I knew I
Speaker 1: had trust issues when I enter relationships and I didn't
Speaker 1: understand why. Um. And it wasn't within me or it's
Speaker 1: not because I didn't feel like I wasn't worthy. It
Speaker 1: came from um parts of my parents divorce. UM. That
Speaker 1: just made sense. While I was in therapy yesterday, so
Speaker 1: that really helped me understand why, and then it made
Speaker 1: me realize what I do get into those moods, understand
Speaker 1: where it's coming from. And am I am I able
Speaker 1: to distinguish whether or not it's my trust issues and
Speaker 1: my anti se off coming out or is it actually
Speaker 1: something that's happening in the relationship that is going on
Speaker 1: that's making me not trust them? Um O c d um.
Speaker 1: I don't like using that word so lightly because I
Speaker 1: know people do suffer from O C d UM. I
Speaker 1: feel like I have anxiety when it comes to leaving
Speaker 1: the house and I'm like, oh, budget did I shut
Speaker 1: my oven off? Is my hair straighten or off? And
Speaker 1: I have to literally drive back home, open my door
Speaker 1: and check if all the knobs are off off off,
Speaker 1: And I have to like mentally say it. I have
Speaker 1: to voice it out loud and say off off. Often
Speaker 1: have to touch like the outlets to see if anything
Speaker 1: is plugged in there. Um. So that's like super stressful
Speaker 1: and that's time consuming too. And then the controlling factor
Speaker 1: of wanting to make sure that things are done a
Speaker 1: certain way, whether that's with work mostly my work life.
Speaker 1: I don't like to delegate. And that's why I don't
Speaker 1: have an assistant. I don't have anyone helping me with
Speaker 1: my foundation or my personal brand or anything. Um So
Speaker 1: that's super stressful. And that's why I put the barf
Speaker 1: the barf image, because I just it gives me so
Speaker 1: much anxiety that I feel nauseous and I hate throwing up.
Speaker 1: It's one of my biggest fears. So I don't well,
Speaker 1: I guess it's my biggest fears, like my anti self
Speaker 1: coming out. I don't have a name yet. Okay. So
Speaker 1: she's she's controlling, she holds her emotions in. She loses
Speaker 1: control even with checking door knobs and light switches and um.
Speaker 1: And she's trying to be in control, but she's kind
Speaker 1: of out of control, right okay. And can we give
Speaker 1: her like a kind of a name. You know, you
Speaker 1: could always rename her, you know, it doesn't have to
Speaker 1: be perfect. I mean it could be Parfolia, yeah, Barfola.
Speaker 1: I enjoy that. Okay. So that's when portfolio comes out, right, Okay. See,
Speaker 1: So so for example, you see her laughing when she
Speaker 1: says it now when she was talking about before, she
Speaker 1: was crying. And what happens is when people for a
Speaker 1: lot of people. If you can't add some humor to
Speaker 1: it a little bit, Ultimately people start to beat themselves
Speaker 1: up and they go, I'm not enough, I'm crazy, I'm
Speaker 1: I'm not good, I'm not doing it right, I'm I
Speaker 1: mess this up. I shouldn't have said that, you know.
Speaker 1: And and when you start giving yourself those messages, there's
Speaker 1: no freedom in it, right and there's and so that's
Speaker 1: why I like to create the anti self exercise because
Speaker 1: it just starts to kind of own that part of
Speaker 1: you that you can hopefully remove. What'd you come up with?
Speaker 1: So my thank yeah, thank you for sharing my anti
Speaker 1: self is titled suck bag. Uh the person can't mind,
Speaker 1: I'll allow it. I think that one was good. This
Speaker 1: anti self, a k A. Suck bag is he's afraid
Speaker 1: of consequences before he even decides to take action. He's
Speaker 1: afraid to express how he truly feels, even to the
Speaker 1: people that he holds closest to his heart. And I
Speaker 1: drew for the afraid of consequences before he takes action.
Speaker 1: I drew a little guy who's in the fetal position.
Speaker 1: And then for the afraid to express how he truly feels,
Speaker 1: I drew a guy in his bed by himself, with
Speaker 1: no friends and afraid to leave his room. Oh, just
Speaker 1: a little guy. Mm hmm. So yeah, that's yeah, m
Speaker 1: that's suck bag, captain, suck bag. Maybe no SAgs. We're
Speaker 1: doing this really quickly too, Like you know, if we
Speaker 1: really were to dig into it, we'd look at like
Speaker 1: that specific area of your life where it keeps coming up. Um. Well,
Speaker 1: I think it's taken hold of my life for the
Speaker 1: past god eight years or so ever since uh um,
Speaker 1: probably in my early twenties, when I was in a
Speaker 1: relationship with someone for a very long time that ended,
Speaker 1: uh And then I was trying to do my own thing,
Speaker 1: unsure about where I was going, but very uh you know,
Speaker 1: stayed in my little comfort zone, stayed at home, worked
Speaker 1: at a job that I was bartending for years. I
Speaker 1: knew I could have done better than that, but just
Speaker 1: never really tried. Uh. And even since then, like Bachelor,
Speaker 1: I think, I look, it was difficult for me to
Speaker 1: watch Bachelor back because I could tell that there was
Speaker 1: maybe a piece of me detached. Not because I didn't care,
Speaker 1: but because I knew that if I didn't put my
Speaker 1: full effort in, I could always make the excuse of
Speaker 1: if I wanted to, I could have um. And same
Speaker 1: thing with my fiance Ashley Now was somebody that we
Speaker 1: were friends for a very long time who I was
Speaker 1: always resisting. Uh I was very unwilling to just jump in.
Speaker 1: And another example of kind of like afraid of the
Speaker 1: consequences because if I keep her at arms length, she
Speaker 1: can never know maybe I'm not the guy she thinks
Speaker 1: I am. She held me in such high regard that
Speaker 1: it's just easier just to be held in that high
Speaker 1: regard and not be concerned about actually living up to
Speaker 1: those expectations. Uh So that's kind of and it's it's
Speaker 1: happened in my career as well. Still trying to find
Speaker 1: myself and figure those things out because if I don't
Speaker 1: fully invest myself into something that I can always you know,
Speaker 1: pretend to myself that, well, you know, I could have
Speaker 1: if I wanted to. When actuality, I'm I'm afraid of failure.
Speaker 1: So that's kind of my suckbag Captain sunbag kind of
Speaker 1: like captain Captain suckbag. Yeah, captain suckbag sounds good and
Speaker 1: barfolo captain bag and barfolo we should just renamed the
Speaker 1: podcast helped by a suck Dating with Dean Barfola and
Speaker 1: Captain suck Bag. So, Mike, at what point in our
Speaker 1: journey can we learn how to connect with our best
Speaker 1: self or how can we remind ourselves? I think how
Speaker 1: we structure our day and align our lives. So if
Speaker 1: I were to ask you guys, you know, like when
Speaker 1: do you align with your best self? You could probably
Speaker 1: give me examples of moments or places or experiences and
Speaker 1: when you do that. So, um, I always say, you know,
Speaker 1: how do you greet the day? You know, don't let
Speaker 1: the day greet you? How do you start the day? Um?
Speaker 1: You know, for me, it's right I do this still,
Speaker 1: or I try to do it as much as possible
Speaker 1: as I write out grad touth list just when I'm
Speaker 1: putting the pen to the paper. Who doesn't everyone feels
Speaker 1: better when they write grad touth list. And it's it's
Speaker 1: not that I invented this, clearly people have been doing
Speaker 1: it for years. But that's how we start the day.
Speaker 1: And then at the end of the day you kind
Speaker 1: of review the day and figure out like what went wow,
Speaker 1: what didn't go well? And so to me, it's knowing
Speaker 1: yourself what's gonna harness you being your best self. For
Speaker 1: some people, they're in the wrong job. No matter what
Speaker 1: they do, they're not going to be their best selves.
Speaker 1: For other people, it's um you know, when they're alone
Speaker 1: and the thoughts that they have with themselves. So I mean,
Speaker 1: in terms of like the approach, everyone's a bit different.
Speaker 1: I also think it it's hard work. I don't want
Speaker 1: people to oversee that. I think a lot of people
Speaker 1: imagine they'll do an exercise like this, they'll do it
Speaker 1: once and they'll have a breakthrough and then thinks I'm good.
Speaker 1: And I think people don't realize that you need to
Speaker 1: do this repeatedly. Yeah, I call I call it the
Speaker 1: three a's. It's staying authentic, taking action, and its accountability.
Speaker 1: And the last part is the one people neglect the most,
Speaker 1: which is accountability. You know, for people who are in
Speaker 1: a relationship today, that's wonderful in terms of accountability. You know,
Speaker 1: for people who aren't in a relationship, they can have
Speaker 1: friends pull them accountable, right, But do you feel like
Speaker 1: sometimes people enter relationships so they can be held accountable
Speaker 1: and they use their partner as their guide. Well, I
Speaker 1: think it depends on who who it is, and what
Speaker 1: I mean, relationships are complicated. You know. Hopefully you uh
Speaker 1: can be in a relationship where you're both trying to
Speaker 1: help each other evolve and be transparent and have forgiveness
Speaker 1: in it, you know. But for for some people, I
Speaker 1: mean sure, they choose relationships because they're trying to fix
Speaker 1: a part of themselves, and that's never really going to work.
Speaker 1: It's not easy. It's certainly not black and white. There's
Speaker 1: a lot of gray in there, and it's interesting. The
Speaker 1: reason I bring up the you know, doing this repeatedly
Speaker 1: is because I I know who Captain suck Bag is,
Speaker 1: you know, the guy. I've known him for quite some time.
Speaker 1: It's not so much that I don't I'm not aware
Speaker 1: of it. It's more so how do I stop that?
Speaker 1: And I think it it all, you know, it is
Speaker 1: taking action for myself and holding myself accountable, Like what
Speaker 1: brings out your best self? My fiance. Uh, it's gonna
Speaker 1: sound I would obviously, I would say it's gonna sound
Speaker 1: very cliche. Playing sports, Um yeah, it's just you know,
Speaker 1: being in a competitive environment really brings out the best
Speaker 1: side of myself. I'm I'm more fun, I'm more energetic, um,
Speaker 1: doing the things of course, you know, going to see movies,
Speaker 1: watching movies, talking about movies. Uh, just the things that
Speaker 1: I enjoy doing. Uh, definitely brings out the better side
Speaker 1: of myself, just like anybody. Can you rewire your brain
Speaker 1: in what way we wire us? Mike? So can you?
Speaker 1: Um things that have happened, like traumas that happened to
Speaker 1: us in our young childhood life, Um, that have had
Speaker 1: such an impact on how we are today and how
Speaker 1: we react to things today. Are we able to rewire
Speaker 1: the way we kind of see the world or the
Speaker 1: way that we want to react to things? Yeah, I
Speaker 1: mean I think are I'm not by any means. This
Speaker 1: isn't something I've been in research around, but it's a
Speaker 1: very popular thing right now. Is neuroscience and create new
Speaker 1: neuropathways in your brain. So you're trying to get your
Speaker 1: brain to create new ways of thinking and feeling. You
Speaker 1: have to take certain actions, right, and so I think
Speaker 1: in terms of like there's little T traumas and there's
Speaker 1: big TE traumas. Right, there's the big TE traumas where
Speaker 1: people are like they were held hostage and you know,
Speaker 1: or they were there's sexual abuse. But little T traumas
Speaker 1: like neglect or families are very shame or seeing what
Speaker 1: went on with mom and dad. Um, that can start
Speaker 1: to shift someone's perception of the world and life. And
Speaker 1: I think, UM, people change, people change the way they think.
Speaker 1: It's Um, I've seen so many people change, even people
Speaker 1: that like. I just saw someone in New York recently
Speaker 1: who um was homeless at the time I met him.
Speaker 1: His parents had hired me to help him, and he
Speaker 1: was homeless, ah and doing some things on the street
Speaker 1: in order to live on the street. Had contracted a
Speaker 1: lot of things as well. And UM, and I told
Speaker 1: him if he ever got to your sober, I'd give
Speaker 1: him a job. I never thought he was going to
Speaker 1: get a your sober. He would never be someone I
Speaker 1: would ever hire ever. Right, So I was like, and
Speaker 1: I tell everyone that who I've like helped through the
Speaker 1: years because I want to create some like I believe
Speaker 1: in you, so you could have a job story they
Speaker 1: can look and I yeah, and I and to know
Speaker 1: there's something to work towards because reward systems work. Right. Well, uh,
Speaker 1: he now is like sober over ten years, super successful,
Speaker 1: killer career, married, like healthy relationship. So I mean, I
Speaker 1: know sometimes for ourselves. We can sometimes think we're like
Speaker 1: trapped in our own thoughts. We we think like our
Speaker 1: own worst enemies sometimes at anti self can come out
Speaker 1: and just take over, usually in today's world, today's world,
Speaker 1: especially media. So I mean I think to answer your question,
Speaker 1: people change absolutely. I mean I work with people that
Speaker 1: you would think would never ever, ever ever ever change,
Speaker 1: and they do. And then you meet other people that
Speaker 1: you think, oh, they're really motivated, they're going to get this,
Speaker 1: They're ready to make some changes. You know. It's it's
Speaker 1: interesting like I'll work with some women who have been
Speaker 1: We'll go back to a very unhealthy relationship over and
Speaker 1: over and over again. And then there's other women I
Speaker 1: meet who have a burst of awareness and they suddenly
Speaker 1: stopped going back to n healthy relationships. You know. So
Speaker 1: I think everyone's uniquely different and that's why, Um, you
Speaker 1: know I I I just for me, I'm passionate these
Speaker 1: days about like how do I get this to somehow
Speaker 1: being incorporated? Just you know, in the book, we have
Speaker 1: hundreds of exercises. This just was two fun exercises that
Speaker 1: I think are easy and playful. But um, really it's
Speaker 1: in our culture. You have parents who say the school
Speaker 1: should teach, you know, kids emotional regulation, limiting beliefs thoughts
Speaker 1: about themselves. And then you have the school saying mom
Speaker 1: and dad, raise your kids right. And so then you
Speaker 1: have this culture of kids that then grow up and
Speaker 1: hopefully they can regulate themselves enough, right, because we're taught
Speaker 1: that history is more important than self awareness, and so
Speaker 1: we end up later in life and it's not until
Speaker 1: we hit crashing moments in our lives that suddenly we
Speaker 1: go need to do something about it. And then we
Speaker 1: start to work on ourselves and then we're like, Okay,
Speaker 1: it's gone, and then a crash comes again. And so, um,
Speaker 1: I look at it like going to the gym, you know,
Speaker 1: But I just think we have to really convince and
Speaker 1: train ourselves to believe it's just like going to the gym,
Speaker 1: of course. And I love that you mentioned that. Sorry,
Speaker 1: I'm still I'm such a big advocate for mental health
Speaker 1: and I think there has been like a huge movement
Speaker 1: and destigmatizing mental health illnesses. And I always openly talk
Speaker 1: about going to therapy. I've done couples therapy. Um, and
Speaker 1: the boyfriend that I had that i'm with now is
Speaker 1: very open to those things too, And I think it's
Speaker 1: important to highlight that. A. Yes, people do change, but
Speaker 1: you can't. You can't change a person no. Um. And
Speaker 1: I've been in those relationships where I'm like, oh, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna he's gonna want kids, and I'm gonna convince him
Speaker 1: that he's gonna want my babies, and that didn't work out. Um,
Speaker 1: So I think it's important to highlight that and remember that, Yes,
Speaker 1: we all come with the story, and you don't see
Speaker 1: that in cartoons. You don't see that growing up in
Speaker 1: movies people have like these perfect lives and that's what
Speaker 1: we imagine is going to happen in relationships at least
Speaker 1: that yeah, like all great things, but it is a
Speaker 1: fairy tale, ultra romantic, um, you know, experience. And so
Speaker 1: if you think, by the way, that's so much more
Speaker 1: entertaining than seeing people awkwardly trying to date. Oh totally,
Speaker 1: Like it's entertaining when there's like big emotions and I
Speaker 1: love him and I love her and out of the way, yeah,
Speaker 1: big steaks. So that, Vanessa, you bring up an interesting
Speaker 1: topic for a different podcast, which is people can change,
Speaker 1: but can you change people? Because that's the interesting because
Speaker 1: all the whole thing was people can change. But then
Speaker 1: Vanessa just said, but you can't change people. And it's
Speaker 1: interesting and I think that's an interesting dialogue to have
Speaker 1: at some point. But we are out of time right now, unfortunately,
Speaker 1: I know. But Mike, that was in the studio right now. Now, Well,
Speaker 1: we'll ship your book out to you. Uh, Mike, thank
Speaker 1: you so much for coming out, so much for having me.
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Speaker 1: is a New York Times bestseller. There is a quote
Speaker 1: on the back of the book by Jennifer Lopez herself
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Speaker 1: I'm telling you you're gonna love it. I just realized
Speaker 1: we never asked Vanessa how her Valentine's Day went. So, Vanessa,
Speaker 1: what happened? You're in a new relationship, first time Valentine's
Speaker 1: Day with your new Valentine. I'm a firm believer in
Speaker 1: not celebrating Valentine's Day, so when I first met him,
Speaker 1: I told him, you know, I appreciate if you do
Speaker 1: like to celebrate commercialized day of days or whatever. What
Speaker 1: are they called commercialized holidays? There we go, it's not
Speaker 1: even a holiday because we don't get a day off anyway.
Speaker 1: Does Canada and I have the word holiday? Yeah, we do.
Speaker 1: I just couldn't think of it right now. Um, and
Speaker 1: we we didn't celebrate. I did an interview in the
Speaker 1: morning and we spend time together at night. Um. We
Speaker 1: wrote each other. Actually, he wrote me a really beautiful message. Um,
Speaker 1: like a lengthy, well written, well thought out message. And
Speaker 1: that was the most beautiful if I've ever received a
Speaker 1: Valentine's Day. That was my Valentine's Day. Um. Well, Vanessa,
Speaker 1: I want to ask about this commercialized holiday anti Vanessa Grimaldi,
Speaker 1: I wouldn't say feeling mood. Well, my question is are
Speaker 1: you the type of person that's not going to tell
Speaker 1: you he's going to tell your kids about Santa Claus? Oh?
Speaker 1: I absolutely will tell my kids about that. You're gonna
Speaker 1: have you know Santa Claus lives up in the North Pole. Okay, good,
Speaker 1: because there are some people out there that I disagree
Speaker 1: with who say that they don't lie to their kids
Speaker 1: at a young age, and I couldn't disagree with them more.
Speaker 1: And I was just hoping you were one of those people.
Speaker 1: And I'm like, no, I'm not. I just think love
Speaker 1: should be celebrated every day and not just on the
Speaker 1: fourteenth of February. I think it just should be celebrated
Speaker 1: on the fourteenth of February. Really, one day year, that's
Speaker 1: more than enough. Guys, I'm actually does not agree with that.
Speaker 1: But wouldn't he shouldn't He wouldn't. He wouldn't have been
Speaker 1: delighted if he had stepped up into something kind of spectacular. Maybe,
Speaker 1: Like I thought he was going to show up during
Speaker 1: my live interview in the morning on TV, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, if he's in the back right now
Speaker 1: waiting with roses, I'm going to flip out. But it
Speaker 1: was just a rose sent by this company. Would you
Speaker 1: have been happy if he got you red roses or
Speaker 1: have it is? But he could have really done a
Speaker 1: good job if he said, hey, listen, I know you've
Speaker 1: accepted a couple of these, but you've never accepted a
Speaker 1: rose like it. I like you. I think what you're doing,
Speaker 1: Vanessa is actually a very smart thing, and you're setting
Speaker 1: the bar low, and you will never be disappointed as
Speaker 1: long as the bar is on the ground, and whatever
Speaker 1: he does to clear that bar, you're going to be
Speaker 1: delighted by. Yeah, that's that's a good precedent for relationships.
Speaker 1: Set the bar really low. So whatever the hell the
Speaker 1: other person does, they always exceed them. That's smart. And also, Vanessa,
Speaker 1: what is this I'm hearing about somebody calling you fat
Speaker 1: on Instagram? Did that actually happened? It actually happened. It
Speaker 1: didn't bother me whatsoever because I'm actually trying to gain weight.
Speaker 1: So I was like, oh, yeah, she noticed that I
Speaker 1: gained an extra three pounds. Um, I just high have I?
Speaker 1: Have you gained three pounds? You? First of all, you've
Speaker 1: never notice, but I don't. I don't own a scale,
Speaker 1: so I have no idea if I actually gained weight.
Speaker 1: But I go according to my clothes. If my clothes
Speaker 1: feel a little bit tighter than I know that I did. Um.
Speaker 1: And so I decided to screenshot that comment. I didn't
Speaker 1: tag the person, but I didn't hide her name on
Speaker 1: Instagram in my story, and I did write reply to
Speaker 1: that comment on my page, and I posted on my
Speaker 1: story and I just highlighted the power of words and
Speaker 1: how body shaming is just it's become a thing of
Speaker 1: like it's it's as if it's okay to do it
Speaker 1: on social media. People will never really do that, or
Speaker 1: at least I hope they don't do it in person,
Speaker 1: but I feel like they can um abuse their voice
Speaker 1: on social media and not realize how hurtful some of
Speaker 1: those comments can be. It didn't necessarily hurt me. It
Speaker 1: just hurt me that people are keep a bowl of
Speaker 1: calling someone fat and and I mean fat, skinny, whatever
Speaker 1: it is, it's insulting and body shaming. And I opened
Speaker 1: up about this in my story. I was body shamed
Speaker 1: for having smaller boobs and and you know, I talked
Speaker 1: about having cellulite on my butt and having dark under
Speaker 1: circles and all these things that I've never really fixed
Speaker 1: because I'm like, this is the way God made me,
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna love my body regardless. And I spoke
Speaker 1: about this before. Just being able to be free in
Speaker 1: your own place, in your house, walk around naked, go
Speaker 1: in front of the mirror, dance around, see things that
Speaker 1: jiggle or don't jiggle, but love the parts that jiggle,
Speaker 1: and love the parts that don't and that's what I've
Speaker 1: learned to do. Two questions. What picture was this? Commented
Speaker 1: under good question. Um, it's the second picture where I'm
Speaker 1: sitting on the couch with my legs crossed. And then
Speaker 1: she went on and said, well, stop, everyone should stop
Speaker 1: at mentioning me because fat is fat. It's just the fact.
Speaker 1: And I'm like, oh, I see it. Oh God. There's
Speaker 1: sixty five replies people, and I got a lot of
Speaker 1: messages from younger women saying how they're having struggles with
Speaker 1: accepting their their body. Um, and it was enlightening and
Speaker 1: very touching for them. Uh that I was able to
Speaker 1: express them of mind securities and how I've learned to
Speaker 1: accept some of those imperfections that have become my favorite
Speaker 1: perfections on my body. Um. I think, yeah, I totally
Speaker 1: agree with what you were saying about Instagram and people
Speaker 1: getting way too comfortable writing whatever they feel in that moment.
Speaker 1: There is I've told this story before, but there was
Speaker 1: a girl that I want on a date with years ago,
Speaker 1: um that we ended up becoming somewhat friends afterwards it
Speaker 1: never worked out, and she watched the show and she
Speaker 1: was following Rachel Rachel Lindsay and when Rachel picked Brian
Speaker 1: over Peter, Rachel posted a picture of her and Brian
Speaker 1: announcing their relationship. And this girl on Instagram that I
Speaker 1: knew in person was very sweet in person, seemed very normal, commented, saying,
Speaker 1: good luck with your shitty husband. This is somebody that
Speaker 1: I knew personally. Because a lot of these people that
Speaker 1: comment on Instagram, I rational rationalize it by saying they
Speaker 1: need help. You know, they're not the normal people. But
Speaker 1: this person I knew was normal. So I ended up
Speaker 1: talking to them about it. I d M then said,
Speaker 1: what why did you write that? She said, I was
Speaker 1: so mad. I've already deleted it. No idea why I
Speaker 1: posted that. I feel like an idiot. And I've realized
Speaker 1: that people with Instagram everything is instant gratification. So if
Speaker 1: you're mad, the last thing you should be doing is
Speaker 1: going on social media because you'll post or tweet something
Speaker 1: that you don't mean. And that's what these people do.
Speaker 1: It's it's it's crazy. But I to UM and anyone
Speaker 1: that's listening to this that may feel like they can
Speaker 1: become a little sensitive to comments on social media or
Speaker 1: in person. UM, I just know that I was the
Speaker 1: person coming off the show. I would cry myself to
Speaker 1: sleep numerous nights, and I was really sad. And some
Speaker 1: of the comments were really mean and hurtful. Mind you,
Speaker 1: they were a handful of them, and there were thousands
Speaker 1: of amazing, beautiful comments and super supportive fans and and followers. Um,
Speaker 1: but that one negative comment can hit you like a
Speaker 1: ton of bricks and you just overshadows all the positive ones.
Speaker 1: So just know that. UM. You know I I went
Speaker 1: through it. Um, But I've also learned to accept who
Speaker 1: I am in order to not have someone else shame
Speaker 1: me for things that I've already accepted about myself. Is
Speaker 1: it bad to say that I fat? Shame myself? I
Speaker 1: look at and I think to myself. Sometimes you go
Speaker 1: to the him, what are you doing? Go work out,
Speaker 1: eat healthier because I want to. I want to look better.
Speaker 1: I want to have more definition as because I want to.
Speaker 1: It's it's a confidence thing. The better I look, the
Speaker 1: better I feel. Okay, So it's internally makes you feel Yeah,
Speaker 1: I think it helps my energy level. I think I
Speaker 1: feel more confident in my skin. It makes me. It
Speaker 1: just makes me feel better, that's all. Yeah. And then THO,
Speaker 1: those natural endorphents and it makes you feel good. So yeah,
Speaker 1: increases everything. Hey, we have some emails If you guys
Speaker 1: wouldn't mind people taking your advice, We don't mind. This
Speaker 1: is our favorite part of two people in healthy loving relationships.
Speaker 1: I know we're just going to give great advice. Obvious
Speaker 1: Robin has a question for you, she says. I met
Speaker 1: my friend with benefits a few years back. Throughout the
Speaker 1: years of hooking up, I've begun to develop feelings for him.
Speaker 1: At one point I asked what his thoughts were undating
Speaker 1: in general. He said he's looking for jobs in different areas,
Speaker 1: maybe even out of state, and didn't know if you
Speaker 1: wanted to start a relationship in case he had to move.
Speaker 1: But last night I went to his place. We didn't
Speaker 1: have sex because he was out of condoms, but there
Speaker 1: was a lot of touching toys and kissing. After all that,
Speaker 1: it was his idea to cuddle and asked me to
Speaker 1: stay the night. This was a first for us. I
Speaker 1: can't help but think he showed more emotion than he
Speaker 1: has in the passed, which only reignited my feelings for
Speaker 1: him that have been trying to suppress. Help I suck
Speaker 1: at friends with benefits and bathing the toys were. It
Speaker 1: was a little nugget. I don't think any of us
Speaker 1: were expecting I wasn't expecting that. But I do want
Speaker 1: to say, good job for using protection and for not
Speaker 1: having sex because you didn't have condoms. Um. I want
Speaker 1: to say, I've been in relationships before where I was
Speaker 1: super mad at the guy for breaking up with me
Speaker 1: because he just wasn't in the place to be in
Speaker 1: a relationship, And now looking back, I'm like, I feel
Speaker 1: so thankful and have so much more respect for these
Speaker 1: men that were able to be honest about where they
Speaker 1: were in their life. Um. So I think you have
Speaker 1: to take that into account and also don't romanticize parts
Speaker 1: of the relationship. If he's showing you affection, um, you know,
Speaker 1: we all kind of need a little bit of t
Speaker 1: l C in our day. And maybe he feels really
Speaker 1: maybe he feels a connection with you and he's allowing
Speaker 1: himself to be vulnerable around you and to showcase that
Speaker 1: side of him. But I wouldn't. I wouldn't take it
Speaker 1: for anything else. I would take it for grain of salt.
Speaker 1: I don't know if Jared, if you agree with me,
Speaker 1: you should definitely take this with a grain of salt.
Speaker 1: I think he is looking for a little t LC
Speaker 1: as you said, and they were hanging out. I mean,
Speaker 1: I don't see this guy as a potential future partner.
Speaker 1: What are your thoughts, Mark, I think you've got to
Speaker 1: take him at his word. I think with all people,
Speaker 1: you've got to just listen to what they're telling you,
Speaker 1: because his actions are his actions. Guys are leading in
Speaker 1: different ways and have different urges and different emotions. But
Speaker 1: he was telling you I'm not interested in the relationship.
Speaker 1: He's not interested in the relationship. Yeah, exactly as many
Speaker 1: as you think he's giving you, And with with any
Speaker 1: woman out there that's going through a similar situation as
Speaker 1: this one. If you're going over to his place and
Speaker 1: stay in the night and he's telling you openly that
Speaker 1: he doesn't want a relationship, that's on you. You know
Speaker 1: it's on you, but just be aware of it. To
Speaker 1: be aware of it exactly. I don't mean it that.
Speaker 1: I don't mean it that way at all. I don't
Speaker 1: mean it's it's on you as in, like, as long
Speaker 1: as you're okay being friends with benefits, you should go
Speaker 1: do it. If you have feelings that you're suppressing as
Speaker 1: Robin is right now, then I'm sorry. He's being honest
Speaker 1: and saying I don't want a relationship. Do you want
Speaker 1: to come over? And she's like, sure, you know so, Robin,
Speaker 1: if you are suppressing feelings, I think the best thing
Speaker 1: for you to do is admit that to him, and
Speaker 1: if he still says he doesn't want a relationship, then
Speaker 1: back off. Unless you're finally being friends with benefits. It
Speaker 1: sounds like she's not, so I would admit it to
Speaker 1: him and say like, these are my choices I admitted
Speaker 1: to and either we move forward and see if we
Speaker 1: can have an exclusive relationship, or I'm admitting it to
Speaker 1: you and you tell me you can't be in a
Speaker 1: relationship and I'm out, Like you, you have the right
Speaker 1: in the power to decide what you want out of this.
Speaker 1: Don't give him ultimately that power. And apparently they've been
Speaker 1: hooking up for years. That's that's really tough. I would
Speaker 1: absolutely be honest and if it doesn't, if he doesn't
Speaker 1: reciprocate those feelings, then at least you know and you
Speaker 1: can move on with your life instead of always being
Speaker 1: uneasy around him. This is from anonymous. I've been dating
Speaker 1: a girl that I've been best friends with for the
Speaker 1: past ten years, so we actually made the transition from
Speaker 1: best friends into relationships. Being her best friend for so long,
Speaker 1: I know some of the scandalous dating things she has
Speaker 1: done in the past, but she wants to prove to
Speaker 1: me that she's changed. Well. Recently, I noticed a guy
Speaker 1: named Tim has been liking almost all of her photos
Speaker 1: on social media. I confronted her about him, and he said,
Speaker 1: and she said, I don't pay it tend to do
Speaker 1: who likes my post? I've never heard of the guy.
Speaker 1: I finally said, why would you accept requests from random
Speaker 1: guys while dating me? And why have you liked posts
Speaker 1: of his, especially personal posts about moving into a new
Speaker 1: house if you have no idea who he is? She said, no,
Speaker 1: I randomly liked things in my news feed, so what.
Speaker 1: I had no idea her relation to him. But the
Speaker 1: fact that she switched her story about him and said
Speaker 1: more than once she's never heard of him makes me
Speaker 1: kind of upset because I think she's lying to my
Speaker 1: face and my wrong. Is this no big deal? Is
Speaker 1: she just a flecting blame to me to hide her guilt. Hi,
Speaker 1: I'm a red flag the power of social media. I
Speaker 1: feel like, if your intuition is kicking in and telling
Speaker 1: you something is up, then something is probably up. I
Speaker 1: wonder how long they've been dating. They've been best friends
Speaker 1: for the past, but have they been dating for ten years?
Speaker 1: And the scandals things she's done in the past, I
Speaker 1: think implies that she has may be messed around on
Speaker 1: previous boyfriends. I mean, you can't hold that over her
Speaker 1: head either, Like, Okay, we've all have a pass, we
Speaker 1: all are we've all done things that we're not proud of,
Speaker 1: unless unless history appears to be repeated that you got
Speaker 1: to have your guard up. No, I agree with you,
Speaker 1: but I mean we don't have all the details. I
Speaker 1: don't know what scandalous things he's talking about, but if
Speaker 1: it's something that raises a red flag, like he's she's
Speaker 1: liking a picture on Instagram, then if that's what she
Speaker 1: does and then like enters a form of relationship with
Speaker 1: these people behind other people's backs, then yeah, I would
Speaker 1: totally do do my FBI research and find out who
Speaker 1: Tim is. Tim Tim and her flirting, like can we
Speaker 1: just call it what it is? Right? Very obvious? And
Speaker 1: this girl your your your girlfriend? Anonymous, Tim and your
Speaker 1: girlfriend are flirting with each other? Are you If you're
Speaker 1: not okay with that, it's time to have a conversation
Speaker 1: or maybe move on. But she's also trying the gas
Speaker 1: lighting thing, what you're crazy? Yeah, that's not a good
Speaker 1: response to that. You know, it's a horrible response anytime
Speaker 1: you get super defensive and then try to um, what's
Speaker 1: the distract? What they're what the argument was? By making
Speaker 1: a new one, it's always bad in my opinion. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I agree, But here's the question. Here's the question, how
Speaker 1: does he what does he do? What is this Anonymous
Speaker 1: d moving forward? Do you stalk Tim? Or do you
Speaker 1: just keep because it sounds like if he keeps going
Speaker 1: up to his girlfriend, she's going to continue to say
Speaker 1: the same thing, You're crazy, It's nothing, it's no, I
Speaker 1: don't know. This person slipped twice on it and I
Speaker 1: liked it. What can I tell you? So that? I
Speaker 1: feel like that's just gonna keep repeating itself. So the
Speaker 1: question for me is what does anonymous do? Does he
Speaker 1: try to cyberstalk this Tim guy? Because I don't think
Speaker 1: that's the answer either. Unless the only thing I can
Speaker 1: think of is if this Anonymous reaches out to Tim. Well,
Speaker 1: I think Anonymous reaches out to Tim, He's probably gonna
Speaker 1: find out things he doesn't like, because when we start
Speaker 1: looking for things, we're going to find things we're not
Speaker 1: happy about. Yeah, but wouldn't you rather know? Um? I think?
Speaker 1: I mean, I don't know. It's also listen, if if
Speaker 1: I was if I were Anonymous, and I know, like
Speaker 1: the trust issues that I have in the insecurities I
Speaker 1: have about some certain things, I wouldn't date someone like
Speaker 1: her because I wouldn't want insecurities to come up in
Speaker 1: my relationship. Of course, they've been best friends for ten
Speaker 1: years though, and I don't know how long they've been dating,
Speaker 1: but I'm assuming it's probably half of that if we're
Speaker 1: just giving a number to it. This is a toughie
Speaker 1: for me because I don't know exactly what Anonymous should do,
Speaker 1: because I don't think reaching out to this Tim guy
Speaker 1: is a good answer either. There's major trust issues here.
Speaker 1: Maybe he should suggest going to therapy with his girlfriend,
Speaker 1: see which how she reacts to that deflecting blame is
Speaker 1: that's that's a big red flag as to Hey, I
Speaker 1: might be doing what you're thinking. So I'm just going
Speaker 1: to deflect unto you, So wait, are you against? This
Speaker 1: opens up a whole other topic of conversation, going into
Speaker 1: reading emails or having each other's passwords on on social media.
Speaker 1: Is that a good idea or a bad idea? Because
Speaker 1: if they did, then he'd be able to see if
Speaker 1: they are. I mean, I'm not saying, hey, let's you know,
Speaker 1: have them exchange um passwords on social media, but you
Speaker 1: think that's a good idea and relationship so that there's like, oh,
Speaker 1: there's just openness and nothing to hide. Yeah, I mean,
Speaker 1: Ashley has my cell phone password. She could go in
Speaker 1: there anytime she wants. I wonder if they have that
Speaker 1: openness in their relationship. Probably not, m I mean, I know,
Speaker 1: That's why I'm bringing it up. These are all things
Speaker 1: to like for Anonymous to think of. Does she go
Speaker 1: to the bathroom with her phone? Is she always is
Speaker 1: her phone always attached to her just like things to
Speaker 1: to pay attention and to pick up on. She might
Speaker 1: not be hiding anything at all, and it just might
Speaker 1: be the insecurities of the stuff that you know has
Speaker 1: happened in her past. So what's the final verdict for Anonymous?
Speaker 1: Here are what are we thinking talk to her. Um, yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean that's the only option. But if she keeps
Speaker 1: putting up walls, I don't know that you can hang around. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I agree, because if it's just harmless flirting, she needs
Speaker 1: to come clean on that, and it's more than that,
Speaker 1: or if she wants to be more than that, then
Speaker 1: we got a real problem. Vanessa, does the silver Fox
Speaker 1: have your phone password? Oh? Yeah, we have each other's passwords.
Speaker 1: That's How would you feel about that? If not saying
Speaker 1: hypothetically in a different relationship, you're with a guy who
Speaker 1: is harmlessly flirting with another girl and no, no, no, no no, no, no,
Speaker 1: no admitted oh and admitted it. It was like you
Speaker 1: caught him. It was like, who is this person? Like,
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry. I was just she was liking some
Speaker 1: of my stuff. I ended up following her. It was dominant, stupid.
Speaker 1: We've never talked before. We just liked an liked pictures
Speaker 1: like that ends up becoming if you're not caught in
Speaker 1: the act, it could become something much greater than just
Speaker 1: harmless flirting. So I'm no, But is it a deal
Speaker 1: breaker or could you nip it in the bud and
Speaker 1: call it a mistake and we can move on from that.
Speaker 1: I think it would be hard for me to trust fully. Um,
Speaker 1: but that's just me because I'm that's me. No, you're fair.
Speaker 1: Fair statement. That will do it. Once again, everybody, thank
Speaker 1: you so much for joining us on a new episode
Speaker 1: of Help I Suck at Dating. Please join the Facebook
Speaker 1: group that's Help I Suck a Dating Podcast. You can
Speaker 1: follow us on Instagram yet again at Help I Suck
Speaker 1: at Dating. Please keep sending your emails. We love them.
Speaker 1: They are our favorite part of the podcast. Also, please
Speaker 1: rate and review us on iTunes. We're always looking for
Speaker 1: more feedback. Obviously a five star is always welcome, but
Speaker 1: we really want authentic feedback. Please let us know how
Speaker 1: we're doing, where we can get better. Um. Thank you
Speaker 1: so much to all our guests coming into studio today.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much to Sabrina must Do. You can
Speaker 1: check out her new book called a Terrible Data. Thank
Speaker 1: you so much for Mike Bear Coach Mike Big Mike,
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for coming in. You can get
Speaker 1: his book anywhere with books are sold. It's called Best Self,
Speaker 1: Be You Only Better? Hey, Mark? Who else do we
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Speaker 1: your amazing shoes and free shipping. Vanessa any final words
Speaker 1: from Montreal? Uh No, I think this is such a
Speaker 1: great episode. I learned a lot um and I hope
Speaker 1: everyone listening learned a lot too. And hopefully next week
Speaker 1: you can tune in to another episode of Help I
Speaker 1: Suck at Dating and well hopefully Dean will suck a
Speaker 1: little bit less. Follow Help by Suck At Dating with Dean,
Speaker 1: Vanessa and Jared on I Heart Radio or wherever you
Speaker 1: listen to podcast