WEBVTT - Live and Thriving with Dr, Jenn Mann 0:00:04.200 --> 0:00:07.640 Wind Down with Janet Framer and I Heart Radio Podcast. 0:00:15.880 --> 0:00:19.600 I just got so nervous. Wait, did you bring your 0:00:19.640 --> 0:00:24.040 cute cards or the cards are? I don't I never 0:00:24.120 --> 0:00:31.680 got any? You have mine? Thanks Ami. Hi guys, Holy crap. 0:00:32.520 --> 0:00:36.120 I like, legitimately, I wasn't nervous two seconds before, but 0:00:36.200 --> 0:00:39.440 now I'm nervous. I don't know what to do at all. 0:00:40.680 --> 0:00:42.800 I'm for the ride. I feel like, are you guys 0:00:42.800 --> 0:00:49.000 ready to wind down? This is so cool? Um. I'm 0:00:49.040 --> 0:00:52.559 sorry that you guys can't drink because apparently there's liability issues, 0:00:52.600 --> 0:00:57.840 but weekend so cheers, but we'll drink a fewph you because, 0:00:57.960 --> 0:01:00.840 oh my tissues are over there Eastern. I brought tissues 0:01:00.880 --> 0:01:02.600 just in case you never know what wine done? Right? 0:01:04.200 --> 0:01:05.760 Who knows what you did this week? I don't know 0:01:05.760 --> 0:01:11.720 if I'm gonna cry higher? Um, oh you really want 0:01:11.760 --> 0:01:14.680 to talk about that? I mean, I thought we were 0:01:14.720 --> 0:01:16.759 just going to sweep that one under the rug. I'm 0:01:16.760 --> 0:01:20.200 cool with that too. No, go ahead there, okay, No, 0:01:20.319 --> 0:01:21.760 we do want to say thank you so much for 0:01:21.800 --> 0:01:25.319 coming out, and our whole theme here is if you 0:01:25.319 --> 0:01:27.319 guys do listen to wind down, which hopefully you do, 0:01:27.480 --> 0:01:30.160 is you realize how open and vulnerable we are, and 0:01:30.200 --> 0:01:32.399 we want this to be an interactive experience as much 0:01:32.440 --> 0:01:36.759 as possible. So this is a judgment free zone. Be open, 0:01:36.600 --> 0:01:40.640 be willing to open your hearts and to expose yourself 0:01:40.680 --> 0:01:43.240 a little bit, to try to grow as an individual 0:01:43.280 --> 0:01:45.360 and as a couple, um, because that's what Jan and 0:01:45.440 --> 0:01:48.040 I try to do, and that's what we want to promote. 0:01:48.080 --> 0:01:52.560 So we want to hear your problems issues and make 0:01:52.600 --> 0:01:54.720 sure that we don't know. We don't have shots because 0:01:54.720 --> 0:01:58.520 they're like shot alright, I have sex problems. Shot alright, 0:01:58.800 --> 0:02:02.640 I got this problem. We gotta make sure that this 0:02:02.800 --> 0:02:05.280 is like we're past know. But like to what Mike said, 0:02:05.320 --> 0:02:06.520 like we just want you know, if you guys have 0:02:06.680 --> 0:02:08.639 questions for our experts that are here that we're so 0:02:08.720 --> 0:02:12.160 excited to have um join us on the live podcast today. 0:02:12.240 --> 0:02:15.639 I mean, please feel free to be vocal um. And 0:02:15.680 --> 0:02:17.519 I'm sorry for the guy standing for you guys in 0:02:17.560 --> 0:02:19.680 the back, like they don't have chairs. So I love 0:02:19.720 --> 0:02:23.600 you guys. Shots, shots, shots on me. Tori waved everybody 0:02:23.639 --> 0:02:25.080 so they can see. You have the microphone too. If 0:02:25.120 --> 0:02:27.359 anybody wants to ask anything, will come around to you. Yeah, 0:02:27.560 --> 0:02:29.520 just like raise your hand, be like that annoying kid 0:02:29.560 --> 0:02:32.720 in the first brow Like I was that kid. So 0:02:32.880 --> 0:02:36.639 I'm like, okay, oh she's already got one. Oh let's 0:02:36.680 --> 0:02:39.600 bring it girl. So I feel like I'm starting with 0:02:39.720 --> 0:02:41.880 a super heavy question. I'm sorry about that, but all right, 0:02:41.880 --> 0:02:44.320 well let's just like just like put that in your 0:02:44.360 --> 0:02:48.720 mind drink. Like you guys have like shared recently a 0:02:48.760 --> 0:02:52.519 little bit about um, Julie's language delay and sort of 0:02:52.600 --> 0:02:56.239 how you guys have addressed that, Um, did you have trouble, 0:02:56.360 --> 0:02:58.880 like or have you had any trouble like making peace 0:02:58.960 --> 0:03:01.720 with it yourself and like trying not to like obsess 0:03:02.200 --> 0:03:05.160 daily because like my son has a pretty severe delay 0:03:05.280 --> 0:03:08.639 and I'm just always kind of curious how people navigate that. 0:03:09.880 --> 0:03:13.080 I will say, for for me, I've had a really 0:03:13.280 --> 0:03:18.040 tough time because I feel like whatever not I'm not 0:03:18.160 --> 0:03:21.560 saying issues that's a bad word to say. It's I 0:03:21.840 --> 0:03:24.800 blame myself, Like maybe she has a speech delay because 0:03:24.840 --> 0:03:26.160 I did something wrong as a mom. And I don't 0:03:26.160 --> 0:03:27.600 know if that's just a mom thing where we just 0:03:27.720 --> 0:03:30.320 put everything on ourselves, like it has to be my 0:03:30.520 --> 0:03:34.320 fault that something's wrong with her, because I don't know, 0:03:34.400 --> 0:03:36.640 maybe I didn't read a hundred and two books that 0:03:36.840 --> 0:03:38.760 night instead of you know, I read just five, or 0:03:38.840 --> 0:03:40.480 I skipped a couple. I don't know. Like, so I 0:03:40.560 --> 0:03:43.680 have a I'm definitely really hard on myself when it 0:03:43.760 --> 0:03:47.640 comes to comes to that um. But you know, I've 0:03:47.640 --> 0:03:49.360 I've also talked to so many of my friends like 0:03:49.480 --> 0:03:52.120 kids just learn at different times and but I have. 0:03:52.600 --> 0:03:54.360 But I also have a hard time to where my 0:03:54.440 --> 0:03:55.960 daughter will say something to me and I'm like, I 0:03:56.000 --> 0:03:57.800 didn't understand that, and I'm like, wait, I'm now like 0:03:58.480 --> 0:04:02.000 I have to help her and not not getting mad 0:04:02.040 --> 0:04:04.400 at her, upset with her if she's not explaining it 0:04:04.440 --> 0:04:06.760 to me properly. But you know, I think hopefully like 0:04:06.960 --> 0:04:10.119 she knows she'll get it, but you know, she's she's three. 0:04:10.160 --> 0:04:12.160 But it's hard. I hate when people say mean things. 0:04:12.200 --> 0:04:14.680 So sometimes I'll want to post something like today it 0:04:14.800 --> 0:04:18.320 was so cute. She was singing into her microphone and 0:04:19.080 --> 0:04:22.200 she did not make one word, not one word made sense, 0:04:22.480 --> 0:04:24.320 And I was about to post it and I was like, oh, no, 0:04:24.440 --> 0:04:26.200 people are going to be mean. But it was like 0:04:26.279 --> 0:04:27.840 it made me really sad because I was like, you 0:04:28.320 --> 0:04:30.200 knew what I was like the video and I didn't 0:04:30.240 --> 0:04:31.880 end up posting it because I thought, I truly was 0:04:31.880 --> 0:04:34.040 just like someone's going to make fun of her, and 0:04:34.160 --> 0:04:39.480 that made me bumped. I don't know what about you, 0:04:39.560 --> 0:04:45.760 bim No, I think a great question. Already, love you guys, microwd. 0:04:46.480 --> 0:04:47.920 That's why I say it's probably good I'm not on 0:04:48.000 --> 0:04:50.000 Instagram because I wouldn't have a filter with that and 0:04:50.000 --> 0:04:53.919 I don't know how to politically correctly handle that situation. 0:04:54.120 --> 0:04:57.200 But um, with that with child issues with Jana and I, 0:04:57.680 --> 0:04:59.560 we kind of balanced each other out because she is 0:04:59.680 --> 0:05:01.479 that her mom and always wants to be doing something 0:05:01.520 --> 0:05:04.120 to be proactive and help, and I'm just kind of like, 0:05:04.440 --> 0:05:07.039 it'll be all right, Jill, be fine, she'll learn, and yeah, 0:05:07.040 --> 0:05:08.400 it was like, honey, I think she might have a 0:05:08.440 --> 0:05:11.120 speech delay and he's like no, she's fine, Like she's fine, 0:05:11.160 --> 0:05:12.720 she's fine. And then we go to the doctors and 0:05:12.800 --> 0:05:14.680 he's like, well, she has a speech delay. And I 0:05:14.760 --> 0:05:16.760 was like I have been telling you this for them, 0:05:16.800 --> 0:05:19.720 and he's just like, well whatever. Yeah, So we balanced 0:05:19.720 --> 0:05:21.640 each other out, but I mean, you know, it's one 0:05:21.640 --> 0:05:24.680 of those things, unfortunately with kind of Janie following and 0:05:25.320 --> 0:05:27.840 being a celebrity that she is. It's it's comes with 0:05:27.920 --> 0:05:30.839 the territory, and it's unfortunate that people out there stooped 0:05:30.880 --> 0:05:33.159 at that level to comment about children and think they 0:05:33.200 --> 0:05:37.800 have it all figured out. Um, yeah, that sucks. Can 0:05:37.839 --> 0:05:40.200 we just like I just have to ask a question 0:05:40.240 --> 0:05:41.840 to the crowd because I know we weren't going to 0:05:41.880 --> 0:05:44.479 talk about our fight earlier today because no, no joke, 0:05:44.520 --> 0:05:46.480 I don't know if we've actually made up. So this 0:05:46.640 --> 0:05:50.680 is kind of weird at tension. We're professionals, honey, so 0:05:50.839 --> 0:05:54.160 we we turn it on a little bit, like I 0:05:54.279 --> 0:05:56.440 really don't Yeah, we're definitely turning it on a little 0:05:56.480 --> 0:06:00.440 bit because like I'm a little upset with you still, 0:06:00.720 --> 0:06:03.560 But let me just talk about it really fast. So 0:06:03.960 --> 0:06:10.520 can I to what degree? To the degree of that, 0:06:10.760 --> 0:06:14.840 I'm not gonna like tell like the number amount, He goes, 0:06:14.839 --> 0:06:19.839 I don't know. Okay, I just have this thing. I'm sorry. 0:06:19.880 --> 0:06:24.000 He doesn't say yes, but I'm doing it anyway. I 0:06:24.120 --> 0:06:27.640 don't get people that buy games on their phone, Like 0:06:32.480 --> 0:06:36.440 I just don't shoot, oh is my phone? Well there 0:06:36.480 --> 0:06:40.320 you go. So I just don't karma. I just for me. 0:06:40.560 --> 0:06:42.480 I I'm fine if you want to do like the 0:06:42.520 --> 0:06:44.760 candy Crush like you need another life? Like, fine, let's 0:06:44.800 --> 0:06:50.120 add five dollars, okay, cool? Whatever for me. I'm like, 0:06:50.279 --> 0:06:52.440 that's five dollars you could spend on like your coffee. 0:06:52.480 --> 0:06:55.719 Why would you spend that on, you know, your candy 0:06:55.800 --> 0:06:57.920 crush game for another life? Like it doesn't make sense 0:06:57.960 --> 0:07:01.560 to me. Well, this guy, okay has an NFL game, 0:07:01.720 --> 0:07:03.840 all right, so he thinks he's back in the game, right, 0:07:03.920 --> 0:07:11.800 and he's like and and every time his player does 0:07:11.840 --> 0:07:13.720 it die? Or what are you what are you buying? 0:07:14.440 --> 0:07:18.560 Does this have a broken leg? Like does he get injured? 0:07:18.680 --> 0:07:21.040 Like I don't know, Like, what is it? Please explain 0:07:21.040 --> 0:07:23.160 it to me, and explain it to you whatever it 0:07:23.280 --> 0:07:25.200 is that you want. But what are you buying? Though? 0:07:25.280 --> 0:07:27.320 Like what is like? What is that a hundred charge? 0:07:27.400 --> 0:07:30.280 Every time? I'm just trying to get better, better players, 0:07:30.480 --> 0:07:36.559 better everything. So I get an alert on our credit 0:07:36.600 --> 0:07:39.320 card actually knows our business manager reached out via email 0:07:39.360 --> 0:07:42.480 and was like, uh, you have this charge? Is this accurate? 0:07:42.600 --> 0:07:45.480 Because this is kind of excessive? Yeah, And so I 0:07:45.640 --> 0:07:48.240 start going through the weeds of the bill. Okay, and 0:07:48.360 --> 0:07:50.680 again I don't I am the most frugal person you 0:07:50.720 --> 0:07:53.400 will probably ever meet. I don't buy things for myself. 0:07:53.480 --> 0:07:56.280 I will buy him the nicest wardrobe and the kids stuff, 0:07:56.280 --> 0:07:58.280 but like I have the hardest time buying something for myself. 0:08:00.160 --> 0:08:03.880 Brought up a great speaking topic. No, no, no, no, no, no, 0:08:04.040 --> 0:08:05.640 it's when we bring up Sarah. Later we'll have a 0:08:05.640 --> 0:08:09.000 discussion about something. Oh god, I remember that. We kind 0:08:09.000 --> 0:08:15.400 of got into it a little bit. You don't time out, guys. 0:08:15.840 --> 0:08:18.440 So anyways, let's get back to Mike and his issues. 0:08:20.440 --> 0:08:24.880 I'm totally kidding, but I'm not. But so anyways, so 0:08:25.160 --> 0:08:27.040 I look through the weeds and I'm telling you, guys 0:08:27.120 --> 0:08:30.520 this I was. I felt disrespected as a spouse because 0:08:31.520 --> 0:08:33.680 if there's a big purchase and I'm not just talking 0:08:33.720 --> 0:08:35.960 about five dollars, you know, Candy Crush, I'm not talking 0:08:35.960 --> 0:08:37.880 about okay, like a hundred dollars, but when you were 0:08:37.960 --> 0:08:46.960 spending thousands of dollars, m h m hmmm mm hmm exactly, 0:08:48.320 --> 0:08:54.439 this just became like a murder mystery. No no, but 0:08:54.600 --> 0:08:56.839 I am telling you, like, to me, that felt so 0:08:57.080 --> 0:09:02.280 disrespectful that I'm like you not only like if I'm 0:09:02.320 --> 0:09:04.959 going to buy a purchase, let's just say let's just 0:09:05.000 --> 0:09:07.520 say it's three grades. Still that makes me sick. Let's 0:09:07.559 --> 0:09:09.760 just say, hey, I really want these pair of shoes. 0:09:09.800 --> 0:09:11.839 I know I can't even fathom that. I still I 0:09:11.960 --> 0:09:14.800 still can't do that. But let's just say, hey, I 0:09:14.880 --> 0:09:18.760 want to buy a nice restoration hardware, couch or chair 0:09:19.120 --> 0:09:21.520 for our new house. I would come to you for 0:09:21.640 --> 0:09:23.760 that kind of big purchase. But this guy's like, let's 0:09:23.760 --> 0:09:26.160 buy another life. Let's buy another life. Let's buy another life. 0:09:26.200 --> 0:09:28.480 That's buy another life. And it adds up and I'm like, 0:09:28.960 --> 0:09:31.240 it is how could you? And so I was He's like, 0:09:31.320 --> 0:09:33.240 stop being my parent, and I'm like, I'm not being 0:09:33.320 --> 0:09:35.880 your parents. I'm being an angry ef thing wife that 0:09:36.080 --> 0:09:39.760 like you should like that's irresponsible. So he's like, I'll 0:09:39.880 --> 0:09:42.600 never do it again. Okay, ever do it again. I'll 0:09:42.679 --> 0:09:46.679 never spend another dollar on any games. A couple of 0:09:46.800 --> 0:09:55.160 thousand dollars later, So I confronted him yesterday about this 0:09:55.800 --> 0:09:58.600 and I was pickin right now, no, but I mean 0:09:58.679 --> 0:10:01.559 I was no, but I was really angry, and he 0:10:01.720 --> 0:10:03.959 just but to go ahead. You can defend yourself. Now, 0:10:04.880 --> 0:10:09.640 there's no defending what can I say? There's tangible evidence 0:10:09.679 --> 0:10:12.920 that I was an idiot. I'm just a big child still, 0:10:13.600 --> 0:10:18.280 but like, okay, Dr Jen has some thoughts. Oh does she? 0:10:18.840 --> 0:10:22.120 And Janna, she's on your side. So first we have 0:10:22.240 --> 0:10:25.719 a commercial. Oh but this is good though. I like 0:10:25.840 --> 0:10:28.000 this commercial because this is Thrive Market. And I'll tell 0:10:28.040 --> 0:10:30.520 you what we actually we used to Thrive Market. And 0:10:30.600 --> 0:10:32.440 this is the reason that you guys are all here 0:10:32.880 --> 0:10:35.120 today is because of Thrive Markets. So let's give a 0:10:35.240 --> 0:10:40.720 round of applause for a Thrive Market. Um, what's great 0:10:40.760 --> 0:10:42.720 about thrive for us? Before I get into the actual 0:10:42.800 --> 0:10:47.000 ad spot, Um, we we used drive Market. It's um, yes, 0:10:47.080 --> 0:10:49.280 I'm sure if you've seen some swipe ups on my Instagram, 0:10:49.360 --> 0:10:51.760 but it's very organic to us because that is what 0:10:51.920 --> 0:10:55.040 we actually use. We use the Myers dish soap and 0:10:55.080 --> 0:10:58.400 the dish detergent, we use the surface stuff we get 0:10:58.440 --> 0:11:02.719 Annie's from them. They have amazing products. So would you 0:11:02.760 --> 0:11:05.760 like to start with the actual list of what we 0:11:05.760 --> 0:11:08.840 would to say? Basically, Thrive Market is a revolutionary online 0:11:08.880 --> 0:11:12.320 marketplace on admission to make healthy living easy and affordable 0:11:12.400 --> 0:11:18.360 for everyone, which is our money because of because he 0:11:18.360 --> 0:11:23.600 doesn't do it fast enough, let me do it please. 0:11:23.720 --> 0:11:25.800 You can shop for thousands of the best selling non 0:11:25.880 --> 0:11:30.320 gmo foods and natural products always at below traditional um 0:11:31.280 --> 0:11:33.679 uh prices. Um so even like you know when you 0:11:33.760 --> 0:11:36.400 Amazon stuff, no Thrive Market stuff, because you'll actually get 0:11:36.440 --> 0:11:38.360 it for a better rate. Everything you need from non 0:11:38.440 --> 0:11:41.439 gmo food, snacks, vitamins um straight to your door, which 0:11:41.559 --> 0:11:45.679 is again fantastic um. On each products page, you can 0:11:45.679 --> 0:11:48.040 see things like while you love it, price comparisons to 0:11:48.080 --> 0:11:52.240 retail nutritional ingredients. Thrive Market office a highly curated catalog, 0:11:52.320 --> 0:11:54.160 meaning you might only find three or four options for 0:11:54.200 --> 0:11:56.320 each product, but you can trust that the best ingredients 0:11:56.720 --> 0:11:58.880 right the most affordable prices, is safe for your family. 0:11:59.200 --> 0:12:02.720 And keep in mind Thrive Markets prices are are already 0:12:02.800 --> 0:12:04.719 up to off and now they're giving you an extra 0:12:05.520 --> 0:12:08.319 off your first order plus free thirty day trial. Go 0:12:08.400 --> 0:12:11.640 to thrive market dot com slash Janna fright Market dot 0:12:11.679 --> 0:12:14.559 com slash Janna for an extra off your first order 0:12:14.600 --> 0:12:18.280 and free thirty day trial thrive Market dot com slash Joanna. 0:12:19.920 --> 0:12:22.760 Was that good enough? Funny babe? Come on? You know, 0:12:22.880 --> 0:12:25.160 I'm just being like sarcastic with you, which I think 0:12:25.520 --> 0:12:27.360 I get the comments like yours I'll mean to him, 0:12:27.360 --> 0:12:29.160 and I'm like, no, I'm just really say, oh my god, 0:12:30.400 --> 0:12:33.520 I'm just the thing. I'm here. It is Dr jen Man. 0:12:33.559 --> 0:12:39.240 You guys give it up for Dr Jenna. So I 0:12:39.280 --> 0:12:41.880 want to get into what you posted something really great 0:12:41.920 --> 0:12:44.160 today on your Instagram. But can you just help us, 0:12:44.440 --> 0:12:46.880 um kind of resolve this fight that we have right 0:12:46.960 --> 0:12:51.280 going on right now? Absolutely okay, And it's not quite 0:12:51.320 --> 0:12:55.160 as clear cut as one person being right, one person 0:12:55.240 --> 0:12:57.959 being wrong. This is actually more complex than but he 0:12:57.960 --> 0:12:59.480 said he'd never do it again, but then did it. 0:13:00.040 --> 0:13:02.520 What we're going to get to that, but I think 0:13:02.600 --> 0:13:05.960 that understanding what it's about for you guys is actually 0:13:06.000 --> 0:13:08.319 even more important. Can you guys hear her? By the way, 0:13:10.320 --> 0:13:13.439 And since you guys have been so incredibly wonderful and 0:13:13.559 --> 0:13:15.839 open and honest and vulnerable about what's been going on 0:13:15.960 --> 0:13:18.240 in your lives in your marriage, and you guys have 0:13:18.840 --> 0:13:21.560 come out and talked about sex addiction and what that's 0:13:21.600 --> 0:13:24.240 been like in your marriage, I want to help you 0:13:24.400 --> 0:13:28.319 connect the dots. When people have a sex addiction or 0:13:28.360 --> 0:13:31.319 any addiction or a compulsive behavior, they tend to be 0:13:31.400 --> 0:13:34.000 really uncomfortable in their own skin. They tend to be 0:13:34.160 --> 0:13:37.200 uncomfortable feeling their feelings. They tend to need a lot 0:13:37.280 --> 0:13:41.119 of distraction, and especially when you give up one behavior, 0:13:41.600 --> 0:13:45.240 oftentimes that compulsive behavior switches over to something else. It's 0:13:45.280 --> 0:13:48.800 like that whackhambol game. So okay, so he's not acting 0:13:48.840 --> 0:13:54.199 out sexually, wonderful, that's fantastic. That's key, most important. I'm 0:13:54.240 --> 0:13:57.080 sure you'd rather he spent two grand on video games 0:13:57.160 --> 0:14:00.600 than he acts out and ultimately stiff a lie though 0:14:00.640 --> 0:14:02.800 that he said like he said I would never, But 0:14:02.880 --> 0:14:04.599 then that triggers me to, oh, well, that's what you 0:14:04.640 --> 0:14:06.839 said about this, so this must be equaling this. So 0:14:06.880 --> 0:14:10.319 it's going to be triggering for you, no question. But 0:14:10.520 --> 0:14:14.719 it's an extension of compulsive behavior. And I have no 0:14:14.880 --> 0:14:18.600 doubt in that moment he really believed I'm not going 0:14:18.679 --> 0:14:21.960 to do it again. But then he probably found himself 0:14:22.000 --> 0:14:25.920 in Those games are wired to be addictive, and he 0:14:26.080 --> 0:14:29.160 probably found himself sitting in front of the video game 0:14:29.240 --> 0:14:31.760 going I really shouldn't do it. Well, yeah, I'll do 0:14:32.000 --> 0:14:34.080 one more just But he didn't have that thought though. 0:14:34.160 --> 0:14:35.720 That's That's what bothers me is that I'm like, you 0:14:35.760 --> 0:14:38.160 didn't even think about like, did you ask I did? 0:14:38.280 --> 0:14:41.840 He said, go ahead? Did you ask what I asked 0:14:41.880 --> 0:14:47.200 you when you when you picked up, I asked you, 0:14:47.360 --> 0:14:49.680 I go, what hurts my feelings is that you didn't 0:14:49.760 --> 0:14:51.320 think of me in that moment, Like you were selfish 0:14:51.360 --> 0:14:53.000 in your own feelings, which feels very similar to the 0:14:53.040 --> 0:14:55.200 addiction piece, Like you didn't think about how that would 0:14:55.240 --> 0:14:59.480 make me feel or so, and you just like what 0:14:59.640 --> 0:15:02.240 I thought of my need in that moment to trump 0:15:03.160 --> 0:15:05.600 my empathy for your feeling too. So you probably went 0:15:06.200 --> 0:15:10.840 I shouldn't do this, did you? Yeah? Yeah, I could. 0:15:10.880 --> 0:15:13.760 I could see it in his face. It's because you're here. 0:15:15.240 --> 0:15:16.960 He was like, it's just you know, I think for 0:15:17.080 --> 0:15:18.720 him though, He's like, it's not I'm not looking at 0:15:18.720 --> 0:15:21.280 anything appropriate, so I can do this like this is 0:15:21.360 --> 0:15:23.480 equal that. But look, like we talked about when we 0:15:23.600 --> 0:15:26.920 met before, when we did your podcast, he's very shame based. 0:15:27.600 --> 0:15:30.200 He carries a lot of shame, and I'm not understand 0:15:30.400 --> 0:15:33.120 this does not excuse behavior. I am not one to 0:15:33.240 --> 0:15:37.880 ever excuse behavior, any kind of compulsive behavior. You're right, 0:15:37.920 --> 0:15:39.760 if he makes a commitment, I'm not gonna do this again. 0:15:40.120 --> 0:15:42.120 He should talk to you. If you guys have an agreement, 0:15:42.240 --> 0:15:44.680 we spend more than X number of dollars together. He 0:15:44.760 --> 0:15:48.880 should talk to you, but understanding that this wasn't him 0:15:49.040 --> 0:15:53.680 intentionally being malicious to you. This is a flaw and 0:15:53.760 --> 0:15:57.440 a broken part of him that still needs to heal. 0:15:57.560 --> 0:16:00.680 He still has a lot of work to do. But 0:16:01.360 --> 0:16:04.720 for you to understand that this isn't about you, even 0:16:04.760 --> 0:16:08.760 though it's not okay, it's unacceptable behavior. He needs to 0:16:08.800 --> 0:16:11.080 keep his promises or not make his promise, not make 0:16:11.120 --> 0:16:14.160 a promise that he can't assure you that he can keep. 0:16:14.960 --> 0:16:19.000 This wasn't him being malicious. This was him acting out 0:16:19.040 --> 0:16:25.800 in an unhealthy, compulsive way. Thoughts con said it better myself. 0:16:27.520 --> 0:16:30.840 I will know, I will say, I mean, I definitely 0:16:31.680 --> 0:16:37.080 can see the correlation, and I will just completely honestly 0:16:37.120 --> 0:16:41.080 it is. Uh. I'm more nervous right now just because 0:16:41.120 --> 0:16:43.480 it is harder in front physically in front of people 0:16:44.080 --> 0:16:47.720 to be transparent like this. So I will say that. 0:16:47.960 --> 0:16:49.880 But again I want to thank you guys for comming 0:16:49.920 --> 0:16:51.920 to being willing to willing to be a part of 0:16:51.960 --> 0:16:54.560 this and kind of open your hearts and open yourselves 0:16:54.680 --> 0:16:57.720 enough to to listen and you know, acknowledge these things. Um, 0:16:58.720 --> 0:17:01.040 but no, that's totally it. I mean the rationalization there 0:17:01.160 --> 0:17:05.160 of me just saying, you know, minimizing it and saying 0:17:05.200 --> 0:17:09.000 it's such a it's such a game, and saying justifying 0:17:09.040 --> 0:17:11.000 it by saying, you know, I enjoy this. I just 0:17:11.040 --> 0:17:13.760 want to do it. I enjoy it. And probably, hey, 0:17:13.760 --> 0:17:17.280 I'm giving up all this other stuff like I'm clean 0:17:17.520 --> 0:17:19.399 and I'm doing all the right things. I can't at 0:17:19.480 --> 0:17:21.600 least play a game, right for sure. And you know 0:17:21.680 --> 0:17:23.440 it's like it's like you buy your wine. He's like, 0:17:23.480 --> 0:17:25.119 this is just my thing, and I'm like, yeah, but 0:17:25.160 --> 0:17:27.320 if you there's not I didn't say I would never 0:17:27.400 --> 0:17:29.600 not do this again, or like can we at least 0:17:29.680 --> 0:17:32.760 keep it to this amount versus like this amount? Right? 0:17:32.800 --> 0:17:34.879 And I and I mean, I think you can attest 0:17:35.000 --> 0:17:37.439 you can attest to this that since yesterday last night, 0:17:37.520 --> 0:17:40.879 when this came up, I haven't defended the fact that 0:17:42.040 --> 0:17:44.600 I did. You know, I understood that I did that wrong. 0:17:44.800 --> 0:17:47.760 I understood that I wasn't defending that it was okay 0:17:47.840 --> 0:17:49.560 for me to tell you one thing to do the other. 0:17:49.600 --> 0:17:54.919 And I totally understood how she correlated me telling her 0:17:55.000 --> 0:17:57.120 one thing and then not doing the other, because that's 0:17:57.160 --> 0:17:59.240 what I was doing when I was acting out. That's 0:17:59.240 --> 0:18:00.760 what I was doing when I is in that addictive 0:18:00.800 --> 0:18:04.359 behavior and doing things that were hurtful for our relationship, 0:18:04.520 --> 0:18:07.880 So I can it's taken some time. If you'd asked 0:18:07.880 --> 0:18:10.560 me that a year ago, or even six months ago, 0:18:11.840 --> 0:18:14.159 probably my initial reaction would have been to defend it 0:18:14.200 --> 0:18:16.080 and to minimize. It's just a game, like what do 0:18:16.160 --> 0:18:17.720 you Why is this a big deal? It's just a game, 0:18:18.080 --> 0:18:20.720 you know, And I wouldn't have been able to empathize 0:18:20.760 --> 0:18:24.280 towards the bigger picture of the behavior. Um, but still 0:18:24.320 --> 0:18:27.040 it's it's hurtful to Janna, and I do feel a 0:18:27.080 --> 0:18:29.560 lot of shame that even though it's a stupid the 0:18:29.600 --> 0:18:31.400 fact that we're even sitting here talking about stupid game, 0:18:32.040 --> 0:18:38.200 you know, but it's real and everyone is here is 0:18:38.280 --> 0:18:41.399 because you are so real and you are so willing 0:18:41.480 --> 0:18:46.240 to share of your painful, relatable moments. And this is relatable. 0:18:46.359 --> 0:18:48.439 Everyone has been in a relationship where someone has made 0:18:48.480 --> 0:18:51.280 a commitment or acted out or done something that has 0:18:51.320 --> 0:18:54.040 been painful and hurtful. And that you guys are willing 0:18:54.119 --> 0:18:57.160 to share this and let people bear witness to your 0:18:57.200 --> 0:19:01.600 struggles is amazing and it's a gift that you give 0:19:01.680 --> 0:19:04.960 your listeners. Well, we love you, gen Man, and you 0:19:05.040 --> 0:19:07.000 know we have some emails right here. But is there 0:19:07.040 --> 0:19:10.479 anyone that's willing to ask jen Man, who's obviously an 0:19:10.520 --> 0:19:14.040 expert at sex, relationships, you know, life. So is anyone 0:19:14.280 --> 0:19:18.239 want to raise their hand and ask jenn a question? Oh, 0:19:18.400 --> 0:19:23.000 come on, not one? There we go, we got one? Yeah, 0:19:23.480 --> 0:19:29.800 did you see? Okay, it's okay. Can you hear me? Yeah? Okay. 0:19:29.840 --> 0:19:31.960 So I'm just wondering with addiction and things like that, 0:19:32.040 --> 0:19:34.760 and almost kind of very similar situation to the game. 0:19:35.400 --> 0:19:39.440 Is that something with addiction like of pegn insects and 0:19:39.520 --> 0:19:41.639 things like that, that you're gonna have to look at 0:19:41.680 --> 0:19:44.480 in your relationship for your entire life. Is that something 0:19:44.560 --> 0:19:47.000 that's going to be life long for your partner to 0:19:47.080 --> 0:19:51.760 work on? Absolutely? Um, When you're an addictive person, when 0:19:51.760 --> 0:19:56.080 you're a compulsive person, that it is you have to 0:19:56.200 --> 0:19:58.280 watch that like whack a mole thing that I just 0:19:58.320 --> 0:20:01.239 said where you you're wanted to and another pops up 0:20:01.280 --> 0:20:03.639 you do stop doing one compulsive behavior. Another pops up 0:20:04.040 --> 0:20:08.520 that said that when you do the deeper work on yourself, 0:20:08.720 --> 0:20:10.840 and you're a guy who's very willing to do that, 0:20:11.000 --> 0:20:13.959 it's something about you that's really impressive, and it's got 0:20:14.040 --> 0:20:16.840 to make you very proud of him. That when you 0:20:16.960 --> 0:20:20.240 do the deeper work to address the underlying issues, the 0:20:20.760 --> 0:20:23.040 need to be compulsive and to act out or do 0:20:23.200 --> 0:20:27.640 addictive behaviors tends to dissipate. But it's an intense, long 0:20:27.800 --> 0:20:30.560 term process. It's not a quick fix. And I think 0:20:30.600 --> 0:20:32.600 to your question too, is something that my therapist has 0:20:32.600 --> 0:20:36.399 told me is when they when you gradually are not 0:20:36.480 --> 0:20:38.960 gradually when you stop there, you're not feeding was that 0:20:39.119 --> 0:20:41.119 you're not feeding your endorphins, that you're not getting that hit, 0:20:41.240 --> 0:20:43.479 So over time they're not going to think about like chocolate, 0:20:43.560 --> 0:20:45.480 like it's always chocolate is always going to be there, 0:20:45.720 --> 0:20:48.280 but it's not going to have that pull. Yeah, And 0:20:48.400 --> 0:20:51.720 also that the thing about that kind of compulsive behavior 0:20:51.880 --> 0:20:57.440 is that it creates such a spiral of I'm feeling anxious, sad, scared, 0:20:57.520 --> 0:20:59.080 like whatever the feeling is you don't want to feel, 0:20:59.359 --> 0:21:01.480 and then you go, oh, I'm gonna act out. You 0:21:01.560 --> 0:21:04.040 act out, whether it's the video game or sex, or 0:21:04.320 --> 0:21:09.159 drugs or gambling, food, whatever your thing is, you do 0:21:09.320 --> 0:21:12.119 that thing and then you go into shame spiral. Then 0:21:12.160 --> 0:21:13.840 you beat yourself up, then you feel terrible. I can't 0:21:13.840 --> 0:21:15.399 believe I did that. I promise her I wouldn't do it. 0:21:15.440 --> 0:21:18.520 I hope she doesn't catch me. You're nervous, you're getting 0:21:18.520 --> 0:21:21.920 some endorphin rush. They are just with the anxiety of that, 0:21:22.200 --> 0:21:24.439 which is kind of a little bit of a buzz. 0:21:25.040 --> 0:21:27.359 At the same time, you're in this horrible shame spiral, 0:21:27.440 --> 0:21:30.119 So you're feeling incredibly conflicted, and you're feeling terrible, and 0:21:30.160 --> 0:21:32.040 you're beating yourself up so you feel bad, So then 0:21:32.080 --> 0:21:35.359 you're more likely to act out to avoid feeling those feelings. 0:21:35.400 --> 0:21:38.720