Speaker 1: Wind Down with Janet Framer and I Heart Radio Podcast.
Speaker 1: I just got so nervous. Wait, did you bring your
Speaker 1: cute cards or the cards are? I don't I never
Speaker 1: got any? You have mine? Thanks Ami. Hi guys, Holy crap.
Speaker 1: I like, legitimately, I wasn't nervous two seconds before, but
Speaker 1: now I'm nervous. I don't know what to do at all.
Speaker 1: I'm for the ride. I feel like, are you guys
Speaker 1: ready to wind down? This is so cool? Um. I'm
Speaker 1: sorry that you guys can't drink because apparently there's liability issues,
Speaker 1: but weekend so cheers, but we'll drink a fewph you because,
Speaker 1: oh my tissues are over there Eastern. I brought tissues
Speaker 1: just in case you never know what wine done? Right?
Speaker 1: Who knows what you did this week? I don't know
Speaker 1: if I'm gonna cry higher? Um, oh you really want
Speaker 1: to talk about that? I mean, I thought we were
Speaker 1: just going to sweep that one under the rug. I'm
Speaker 1: cool with that too. No, go ahead there, okay, No,
Speaker 1: we do want to say thank you so much for
Speaker 1: coming out, and our whole theme here is if you
Speaker 1: guys do listen to wind down, which hopefully you do,
Speaker 1: is you realize how open and vulnerable we are, and
Speaker 1: we want this to be an interactive experience as much
Speaker 1: as possible. So this is a judgment free zone. Be open,
Speaker 1: be willing to open your hearts and to expose yourself
Speaker 1: a little bit, to try to grow as an individual
Speaker 1: and as a couple, um, because that's what Jan and
Speaker 1: I try to do, and that's what we want to promote.
Speaker 1: So we want to hear your problems issues and make
Speaker 1: sure that we don't know. We don't have shots because
Speaker 1: they're like shot alright, I have sex problems. Shot alright,
Speaker 1: I got this problem. We gotta make sure that this
Speaker 1: is like we're past know. But like to what Mike said,
Speaker 1: like we just want you know, if you guys have
Speaker 1: questions for our experts that are here that we're so
Speaker 1: excited to have um join us on the live podcast today.
Speaker 1: I mean, please feel free to be vocal um. And
Speaker 1: I'm sorry for the guy standing for you guys in
Speaker 1: the back, like they don't have chairs. So I love
Speaker 1: you guys. Shots, shots, shots on me. Tori waved everybody
Speaker 1: so they can see. You have the microphone too. If
Speaker 1: anybody wants to ask anything, will come around to you. Yeah,
Speaker 1: just like raise your hand, be like that annoying kid
Speaker 1: in the first brow Like I was that kid. So
Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, oh she's already got one. Oh let's
Speaker 1: bring it girl. So I feel like I'm starting with
Speaker 1: a super heavy question. I'm sorry about that, but all right,
Speaker 1: well let's just like just like put that in your
Speaker 1: mind drink. Like you guys have like shared recently a
Speaker 1: little bit about um, Julie's language delay and sort of
Speaker 1: how you guys have addressed that, Um, did you have trouble,
Speaker 1: like or have you had any trouble like making peace
Speaker 1: with it yourself and like trying not to like obsess
Speaker 1: daily because like my son has a pretty severe delay
Speaker 1: and I'm just always kind of curious how people navigate that.
Speaker 1: I will say, for for me, I've had a really
Speaker 1: tough time because I feel like whatever not I'm not
Speaker 1: saying issues that's a bad word to say. It's I
Speaker 1: blame myself, Like maybe she has a speech delay because
Speaker 1: I did something wrong as a mom. And I don't
Speaker 1: know if that's just a mom thing where we just
Speaker 1: put everything on ourselves, like it has to be my
Speaker 1: fault that something's wrong with her, because I don't know,
Speaker 1: maybe I didn't read a hundred and two books that
Speaker 1: night instead of you know, I read just five, or
Speaker 1: I skipped a couple. I don't know. Like, so I
Speaker 1: have a I'm definitely really hard on myself when it
Speaker 1: comes to comes to that um. But you know, I've
Speaker 1: I've also talked to so many of my friends like
Speaker 1: kids just learn at different times and but I have.
Speaker 1: But I also have a hard time to where my
Speaker 1: daughter will say something to me and I'm like, I
Speaker 1: didn't understand that, and I'm like, wait, I'm now like
Speaker 1: I have to help her and not not getting mad
Speaker 1: at her, upset with her if she's not explaining it
Speaker 1: to me properly. But you know, I think hopefully like
Speaker 1: she knows she'll get it, but you know, she's she's three.
Speaker 1: But it's hard. I hate when people say mean things.
Speaker 1: So sometimes I'll want to post something like today it
Speaker 1: was so cute. She was singing into her microphone and
Speaker 1: she did not make one word, not one word made sense,
Speaker 1: And I was about to post it and I was like, oh, no,
Speaker 1: people are going to be mean. But it was like
Speaker 1: it made me really sad because I was like, you
Speaker 1: knew what I was like the video and I didn't
Speaker 1: end up posting it because I thought, I truly was
Speaker 1: just like someone's going to make fun of her, and
Speaker 1: that made me bumped. I don't know what about you,
Speaker 1: bim No, I think a great question. Already, love you guys, microwd.
Speaker 1: That's why I say it's probably good I'm not on
Speaker 1: Instagram because I wouldn't have a filter with that and
Speaker 1: I don't know how to politically correctly handle that situation.
Speaker 1: But um, with that with child issues with Jana and I,
Speaker 1: we kind of balanced each other out because she is
Speaker 1: that her mom and always wants to be doing something
Speaker 1: to be proactive and help, and I'm just kind of like,
Speaker 1: it'll be all right, Jill, be fine, she'll learn, and yeah,
Speaker 1: it was like, honey, I think she might have a
Speaker 1: speech delay and he's like no, she's fine, Like she's fine,
Speaker 1: she's fine. And then we go to the doctors and
Speaker 1: he's like, well, she has a speech delay. And I
Speaker 1: was like I have been telling you this for them,
Speaker 1: and he's just like, well whatever. Yeah, So we balanced
Speaker 1: each other out, but I mean, you know, it's one
Speaker 1: of those things, unfortunately with kind of Janie following and
Speaker 1: being a celebrity that she is. It's it's comes with
Speaker 1: the territory, and it's unfortunate that people out there stooped
Speaker 1: at that level to comment about children and think they
Speaker 1: have it all figured out. Um, yeah, that sucks. Can
Speaker 1: we just like I just have to ask a question
Speaker 1: to the crowd because I know we weren't going to
Speaker 1: talk about our fight earlier today because no, no joke,
Speaker 1: I don't know if we've actually made up. So this
Speaker 1: is kind of weird at tension. We're professionals, honey, so
Speaker 1: we we turn it on a little bit, like I
Speaker 1: really don't Yeah, we're definitely turning it on a little
Speaker 1: bit because like I'm a little upset with you still,
Speaker 1: But let me just talk about it really fast. So
Speaker 1: can I to what degree? To the degree of that,
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna like tell like the number amount, He goes,
Speaker 1: I don't know. Okay, I just have this thing. I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: He doesn't say yes, but I'm doing it anyway. I
Speaker 1: don't get people that buy games on their phone, Like
Speaker 1: I just don't shoot, oh is my phone? Well there
Speaker 1: you go. So I just don't karma. I just for me.
Speaker 1: I I'm fine if you want to do like the
Speaker 1: candy Crush like you need another life? Like, fine, let's
Speaker 1: add five dollars, okay, cool? Whatever for me. I'm like,
Speaker 1: that's five dollars you could spend on like your coffee.
Speaker 1: Why would you spend that on, you know, your candy
Speaker 1: crush game for another life? Like it doesn't make sense
Speaker 1: to me. Well, this guy, okay has an NFL game,
Speaker 1: all right, so he thinks he's back in the game, right,
Speaker 1: and he's like and and every time his player does
Speaker 1: it die? Or what are you what are you buying?
Speaker 1: Does this have a broken leg? Like does he get injured?
Speaker 1: Like I don't know, Like, what is it? Please explain
Speaker 1: it to me, and explain it to you whatever it
Speaker 1: is that you want. But what are you buying? Though?
Speaker 1: Like what is like? What is that a hundred charge?
Speaker 1: Every time? I'm just trying to get better, better players,
Speaker 1: better everything. So I get an alert on our credit
Speaker 1: card actually knows our business manager reached out via email
Speaker 1: and was like, uh, you have this charge? Is this accurate?
Speaker 1: Because this is kind of excessive? Yeah, And so I
Speaker 1: start going through the weeds of the bill. Okay, and
Speaker 1: again I don't I am the most frugal person you
Speaker 1: will probably ever meet. I don't buy things for myself.
Speaker 1: I will buy him the nicest wardrobe and the kids stuff,
Speaker 1: but like I have the hardest time buying something for myself.
Speaker 1: Brought up a great speaking topic. No, no, no, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: it's when we bring up Sarah. Later we'll have a
Speaker 1: discussion about something. Oh god, I remember that. We kind
Speaker 1: of got into it a little bit. You don't time out, guys.
Speaker 1: So anyways, let's get back to Mike and his issues.
Speaker 1: I'm totally kidding, but I'm not. But so anyways, so
Speaker 1: I look through the weeds and I'm telling you, guys
Speaker 1: this I was. I felt disrespected as a spouse because
Speaker 1: if there's a big purchase and I'm not just talking
Speaker 1: about five dollars, you know, Candy Crush, I'm not talking
Speaker 1: about okay, like a hundred dollars, but when you were
Speaker 1: spending thousands of dollars, m h m hmmm mm hmm exactly,
Speaker 1: this just became like a murder mystery. No no, but
Speaker 1: I am telling you, like, to me, that felt so
Speaker 1: disrespectful that I'm like you not only like if I'm
Speaker 1: going to buy a purchase, let's just say let's just
Speaker 1: say it's three grades. Still that makes me sick. Let's
Speaker 1: just say, hey, I really want these pair of shoes.
Speaker 1: I know I can't even fathom that. I still I
Speaker 1: still can't do that. But let's just say, hey, I
Speaker 1: want to buy a nice restoration hardware, couch or chair
Speaker 1: for our new house. I would come to you for
Speaker 1: that kind of big purchase. But this guy's like, let's
Speaker 1: buy another life. Let's buy another life. Let's buy another life.
Speaker 1: That's buy another life. And it adds up and I'm like,
Speaker 1: it is how could you? And so I was He's like,
Speaker 1: stop being my parent, and I'm like, I'm not being
Speaker 1: your parents. I'm being an angry ef thing wife that
Speaker 1: like you should like that's irresponsible. So he's like, I'll
Speaker 1: never do it again. Okay, ever do it again. I'll
Speaker 1: never spend another dollar on any games. A couple of
Speaker 1: thousand dollars later, So I confronted him yesterday about this
Speaker 1: and I was pickin right now, no, but I mean
Speaker 1: I was no, but I was really angry, and he
Speaker 1: just but to go ahead. You can defend yourself. Now,
Speaker 1: there's no defending what can I say? There's tangible evidence
Speaker 1: that I was an idiot. I'm just a big child still,
Speaker 1: but like, okay, Dr Jen has some thoughts. Oh does she?
Speaker 1: And Janna, she's on your side. So first we have
Speaker 1: a commercial. Oh but this is good though. I like
Speaker 1: this commercial because this is Thrive Market. And I'll tell
Speaker 1: you what we actually we used to Thrive Market. And
Speaker 1: this is the reason that you guys are all here
Speaker 1: today is because of Thrive Markets. So let's give a
Speaker 1: round of applause for a Thrive Market. Um, what's great
Speaker 1: about thrive for us? Before I get into the actual
Speaker 1: ad spot, Um, we we used drive Market. It's um, yes,
Speaker 1: I'm sure if you've seen some swipe ups on my Instagram,
Speaker 1: but it's very organic to us because that is what
Speaker 1: we actually use. We use the Myers dish soap and
Speaker 1: the dish detergent, we use the surface stuff we get
Speaker 1: Annie's from them. They have amazing products. So would you
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Speaker 1: Was that good enough? Funny babe? Come on? You know,
Speaker 1: I'm just being like sarcastic with you, which I think
Speaker 1: I get the comments like yours I'll mean to him,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, no, I'm just really say, oh my god,
Speaker 1: I'm just the thing. I'm here. It is Dr jen Man.
Speaker 1: You guys give it up for Dr Jenna. So I
Speaker 1: want to get into what you posted something really great
Speaker 1: today on your Instagram. But can you just help us,
Speaker 1: um kind of resolve this fight that we have right
Speaker 1: going on right now? Absolutely okay, And it's not quite
Speaker 1: as clear cut as one person being right, one person
Speaker 1: being wrong. This is actually more complex than but he
Speaker 1: said he'd never do it again, but then did it.
Speaker 1: What we're going to get to that, but I think
Speaker 1: that understanding what it's about for you guys is actually
Speaker 1: even more important. Can you guys hear her? By the way,
Speaker 1: And since you guys have been so incredibly wonderful and
Speaker 1: open and honest and vulnerable about what's been going on
Speaker 1: in your lives in your marriage, and you guys have
Speaker 1: come out and talked about sex addiction and what that's
Speaker 1: been like in your marriage, I want to help you
Speaker 1: connect the dots. When people have a sex addiction or
Speaker 1: any addiction or a compulsive behavior, they tend to be
Speaker 1: really uncomfortable in their own skin. They tend to be
Speaker 1: uncomfortable feeling their feelings. They tend to need a lot
Speaker 1: of distraction, and especially when you give up one behavior,
Speaker 1: oftentimes that compulsive behavior switches over to something else. It's
Speaker 1: like that whackhambol game. So okay, so he's not acting
Speaker 1: out sexually, wonderful, that's fantastic. That's key, most important. I'm
Speaker 1: sure you'd rather he spent two grand on video games
Speaker 1: than he acts out and ultimately stiff a lie though
Speaker 1: that he said like he said I would never, But
Speaker 1: then that triggers me to, oh, well, that's what you
Speaker 1: said about this, so this must be equaling this. So
Speaker 1: it's going to be triggering for you, no question. But
Speaker 1: it's an extension of compulsive behavior. And I have no
Speaker 1: doubt in that moment he really believed I'm not going
Speaker 1: to do it again. But then he probably found himself
Speaker 1: in Those games are wired to be addictive, and he
Speaker 1: probably found himself sitting in front of the video game
Speaker 1: going I really shouldn't do it. Well, yeah, I'll do
Speaker 1: one more just But he didn't have that thought though.
Speaker 1: That's That's what bothers me is that I'm like, you
Speaker 1: didn't even think about like, did you ask I did?
Speaker 1: He said, go ahead? Did you ask what I asked
Speaker 1: you when you when you picked up, I asked you,
Speaker 1: I go, what hurts my feelings is that you didn't
Speaker 1: think of me in that moment, Like you were selfish
Speaker 1: in your own feelings, which feels very similar to the
Speaker 1: addiction piece, Like you didn't think about how that would
Speaker 1: make me feel or so, and you just like what
Speaker 1: I thought of my need in that moment to trump
Speaker 1: my empathy for your feeling too. So you probably went
Speaker 1: I shouldn't do this, did you? Yeah? Yeah, I could.
Speaker 1: I could see it in his face. It's because you're here.
Speaker 1: He was like, it's just you know, I think for
Speaker 1: him though, He's like, it's not I'm not looking at
Speaker 1: anything appropriate, so I can do this like this is
Speaker 1: equal that. But look, like we talked about when we
Speaker 1: met before, when we did your podcast, he's very shame based.
Speaker 1: He carries a lot of shame, and I'm not understand
Speaker 1: this does not excuse behavior. I am not one to
Speaker 1: ever excuse behavior, any kind of compulsive behavior. You're right,
Speaker 1: if he makes a commitment, I'm not gonna do this again.
Speaker 1: He should talk to you. If you guys have an agreement,
Speaker 1: we spend more than X number of dollars together. He
Speaker 1: should talk to you, but understanding that this wasn't him
Speaker 1: intentionally being malicious to you. This is a flaw and
Speaker 1: a broken part of him that still needs to heal.
Speaker 1: He still has a lot of work to do. But
Speaker 1: for you to understand that this isn't about you, even
Speaker 1: though it's not okay, it's unacceptable behavior. He needs to
Speaker 1: keep his promises or not make his promise, not make
Speaker 1: a promise that he can't assure you that he can keep.
Speaker 1: This wasn't him being malicious. This was him acting out
Speaker 1: in an unhealthy, compulsive way. Thoughts con said it better myself.
Speaker 1: I will know, I will say, I mean, I definitely
Speaker 1: can see the correlation, and I will just completely honestly
Speaker 1: it is. Uh. I'm more nervous right now just because
Speaker 1: it is harder in front physically in front of people
Speaker 1: to be transparent like this. So I will say that.
Speaker 1: But again I want to thank you guys for comming
Speaker 1: to being willing to willing to be a part of
Speaker 1: this and kind of open your hearts and open yourselves
Speaker 1: enough to to listen and you know, acknowledge these things. Um,
Speaker 1: but no, that's totally it. I mean the rationalization there
Speaker 1: of me just saying, you know, minimizing it and saying
Speaker 1: it's such a it's such a game, and saying justifying
Speaker 1: it by saying, you know, I enjoy this. I just
Speaker 1: want to do it. I enjoy it. And probably, hey,
Speaker 1: I'm giving up all this other stuff like I'm clean
Speaker 1: and I'm doing all the right things. I can't at
Speaker 1: least play a game, right for sure. And you know
Speaker 1: it's like it's like you buy your wine. He's like,
Speaker 1: this is just my thing, and I'm like, yeah, but
Speaker 1: if you there's not I didn't say I would never
Speaker 1: not do this again, or like can we at least
Speaker 1: keep it to this amount versus like this amount? Right?
Speaker 1: And I and I mean, I think you can attest
Speaker 1: you can attest to this that since yesterday last night,
Speaker 1: when this came up, I haven't defended the fact that
Speaker 1: I did. You know, I understood that I did that wrong.
Speaker 1: I understood that I wasn't defending that it was okay
Speaker 1: for me to tell you one thing to do the other.
Speaker 1: And I totally understood how she correlated me telling her
Speaker 1: one thing and then not doing the other, because that's
Speaker 1: what I was doing when I was acting out. That's
Speaker 1: what I was doing when I is in that addictive
Speaker 1: behavior and doing things that were hurtful for our relationship,
Speaker 1: So I can it's taken some time. If you'd asked
Speaker 1: me that a year ago, or even six months ago,
Speaker 1: probably my initial reaction would have been to defend it
Speaker 1: and to minimize. It's just a game, like what do
Speaker 1: you Why is this a big deal? It's just a game,
Speaker 1: you know, And I wouldn't have been able to empathize
Speaker 1: towards the bigger picture of the behavior. Um, but still
Speaker 1: it's it's hurtful to Janna, and I do feel a
Speaker 1: lot of shame that even though it's a stupid the
Speaker 1: fact that we're even sitting here talking about stupid game,
Speaker 1: you know, but it's real and everyone is here is
Speaker 1: because you are so real and you are so willing
Speaker 1: to share of your painful, relatable moments. And this is relatable.
Speaker 1: Everyone has been in a relationship where someone has made
Speaker 1: a commitment or acted out or done something that has
Speaker 1: been painful and hurtful. And that you guys are willing
Speaker 1: to share this and let people bear witness to your
Speaker 1: struggles is amazing and it's a gift that you give
Speaker 1: your listeners. Well, we love you, gen Man, and you
Speaker 1: know we have some emails right here. But is there
Speaker 1: anyone that's willing to ask jen Man, who's obviously an
Speaker 1: expert at sex, relationships, you know, life. So is anyone
Speaker 1: want to raise their hand and ask jenn a question? Oh,
Speaker 1: come on, not one? There we go, we got one? Yeah,
Speaker 1: did you see? Okay, it's okay. Can you hear me? Yeah? Okay.
Speaker 1: So I'm just wondering with addiction and things like that,
Speaker 1: and almost kind of very similar situation to the game.
Speaker 1: Is that something with addiction like of pegn insects and
Speaker 1: things like that, that you're gonna have to look at
Speaker 1: in your relationship for your entire life. Is that something
Speaker 1: that's going to be life long for your partner to
Speaker 1: work on? Absolutely? Um, When you're an addictive person, when
Speaker 1: you're a compulsive person, that it is you have to
Speaker 1: watch that like whack a mole thing that I just
Speaker 1: said where you you're wanted to and another pops up
Speaker 1: you do stop doing one compulsive behavior. Another pops up
Speaker 1: that said that when you do the deeper work on yourself,
Speaker 1: and you're a guy who's very willing to do that,
Speaker 1: it's something about you that's really impressive, and it's got
Speaker 1: to make you very proud of him. That when you
Speaker 1: do the deeper work to address the underlying issues, the
Speaker 1: need to be compulsive and to act out or do
Speaker 1: addictive behaviors tends to dissipate. But it's an intense, long
Speaker 1: term process. It's not a quick fix. And I think
Speaker 1: to your question too, is something that my therapist has
Speaker 1: told me is when they when you gradually are not
Speaker 1: gradually when you stop there, you're not feeding was that
Speaker 1: you're not feeding your endorphins, that you're not getting that hit,
Speaker 1: So over time they're not going to think about like chocolate,
Speaker 1: like it's always chocolate is always going to be there,
Speaker 1: but it's not going to have that pull. Yeah, And
Speaker 1: also that the thing about that kind of compulsive behavior
Speaker 1: is that it creates such a spiral of I'm feeling anxious, sad, scared,
Speaker 1: like whatever the feeling is you don't want to feel,
Speaker 1: and then you go, oh, I'm gonna act out. You
Speaker 1: act out, whether it's the video game or sex, or
Speaker 1: drugs or gambling, food, whatever your thing is, you do
Speaker 1: that thing and then you go into shame spiral. Then
Speaker 1: you beat yourself up, then you feel terrible. I can't
Speaker 1: believe I did that. I promise her I wouldn't do it.
Speaker 1: I hope she doesn't catch me. You're nervous, you're getting
Speaker 1: some endorphin rush. They are just with the anxiety of that,
Speaker 1: which is kind of a little bit of a buzz.
Speaker 1: At the same time, you're in this horrible shame spiral,
Speaker 1: So you're feeling incredibly conflicted, and you're feeling terrible, and
Speaker 1: you're beating yourself up so you feel bad, So then
Speaker 1: you're more likely to act out to avoid feeling those feelings.
Speaker 1: So it creates this. Yeah, it's a vicious cycle. And
Speaker 1: what's interesting about what you just said is that's exactly
Speaker 1: what happened in this situation where when I would purchase
Speaker 1: again it sounds so childish, but when I would, you know,
Speaker 1: spend a hundred dollars in a sitting and buy something
Speaker 1: I did, immediately after, I'm like, damn it, Like why
Speaker 1: did I just do that? I told her I wasn't
Speaker 1: going to do it, you know, And then I'll start
Speaker 1: rationalized to myself, oh, well, I enjoy this, this is
Speaker 1: something I want to do and whatever. And it is
Speaker 1: the same pattern for when I was you know, acting
Speaker 1: out sexually outside of our marriage. It's the same thing.
Speaker 1: You go into that shame, and what do you do
Speaker 1: to get out of that shame? You go back to
Speaker 1: the behavior that made you feel a certain way to
Speaker 1: escape all of those you know, your reality of all
Speaker 1: those feelings and and with you guys to me that
Speaker 1: there are two key issues in this. One is the
Speaker 1: compulsive behavior, which you have to address in your individual
Speaker 1: therapy and do the deeper work. And the second is
Speaker 1: the rebuilding of trust with her and the understanding of
Speaker 1: even a little lie like that at this point is
Speaker 1: going to trigger Well, that's what I said to him.
Speaker 1: I was like, I don't at the end of the day, yes,
Speaker 1: I'm very upset about spending the money, but at the
Speaker 1: same time, it's I would have It would have shown
Speaker 1: me so much growth and it would have made me
Speaker 1: I would not have been as upset, hardly at all.
Speaker 1: Is if you came to me, were like I I
Speaker 1: left up. I knew I should have done this. I
Speaker 1: hate the finding out part and then deceit behind because
Speaker 1: it's not about the game. It's about you lying. We're
Speaker 1: not lying withholding information so that you said you wouldn't
Speaker 1: do it's it you looked me in the eye, just
Speaker 1: like you looked me on when you said this, like
Speaker 1: that's the perfect But also it's that he couldn't stop himself.
Speaker 1: You really stop and think about it. It's that he
Speaker 1: wasn't able to be emotionally disciplined. It doesn't compulsive energy
Speaker 1: on it, which makes it harder to trust. And let
Speaker 1: me say this, just to touch on it a little deeper,
Speaker 1: just from you guys talking about that situation and Janna,
Speaker 1: you're saying, if you just come to me and told
Speaker 1: me the truth, like you know, it has shown so
Speaker 1: much growth. It has shown me a lot the amount
Speaker 1: of times and I'm again nervous about getting emotional or
Speaker 1: getting deep, but the amount of times that I heard
Speaker 1: that from my parents or my father when I was
Speaker 1: a kid, and I would actually take him up on
Speaker 1: that and come to him and tell him the truth,
Speaker 1: and I would still have the same level of repercussions
Speaker 1: as I would when I lie. Is still traumatizing. Even
Speaker 1: hear her say, if you would just come to me
Speaker 1: told me, this would have been a lot better. Well,
Speaker 1: I'm still trying to work through the fear of being
Speaker 1: able to do that and know that I'm doing the
Speaker 1: right thing and regardless of reaction by her or anybody
Speaker 1: that no one, I still did the right thing. So
Speaker 1: I just came up for me. When you guys were
Speaker 1: talking about that how and Green that still isn't me.
Speaker 1: Have you ever tried that with her? Uh, come to her? Yeah,
Speaker 1: There's been things that I've brought to her attention that
Speaker 1: I've said, Hey, I lied about this. Yesterday I was
Speaker 1: I said this, it was really this, Um, how did
Speaker 1: it go? I mean every time it's been great. So
Speaker 1: she's offering you reparative experiences. She's helping. Absolutely, there's no question,
Speaker 1: you know. But it's I think just probably trusting that
Speaker 1: this was hard. Even though I've haven't mother f you
Speaker 1: after it, you know, I've been like okay, then I'm
Speaker 1: like but like inside, I'm like I know that if
Speaker 1: I do that, like, he's not going to come to
Speaker 1: me again, So I have to like swallow, like you know, yeah,
Speaker 1: I know, I know. Jan How does How does Janna
Speaker 1: navigate when Michael comes to her and tells her the truth.
Speaker 1: She wants to him to know that's the right thing
Speaker 1: to do, but she's still a little mad about either
Speaker 1: what it was or the lie. So how does she
Speaker 1: navigate that with him? It's a great question because I
Speaker 1: did it wrong. Like I will say, like, what I
Speaker 1: can own on this was that I did not handle
Speaker 1: my emotions correctly because I was so triggered by well
Speaker 1: you said this last time, and look what happens. So
Speaker 1: what else are you doing? Let's look at the phone bills?
Speaker 1: I mean I spiraled today. I was like, I want
Speaker 1: to see phone bills. I want to say this. That
Speaker 1: one is because I'm like, if you're lying about this,
Speaker 1: and you must be lying about and I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: we're here again, Like of course it makes sense that
Speaker 1: this real time. By the way, she hasn't said any
Speaker 1: of that to me. Me. That's what I think the
Speaker 1: question I think you were asking about when he does
Speaker 1: do it right, But if he comes her and says, hey,
Speaker 1: I screwed up. I did it again, I spend a
Speaker 1: thousand bucks on the because she needs to sort of
Speaker 1: quote reward him for doing the right to be mad right,
Speaker 1: But I can't. Second, I have to bring it back
Speaker 1: to him later. The first conversation is thank you so
Speaker 1: much for trusting me enough to take me and sometimes
Speaker 1: you know what I was talking to a parent in
Speaker 1: therapy this week about this that sometimes when our partner
Speaker 1: tells us something that we don't like, or our kid
Speaker 1: tells us, you know, they confess the crime that they committed,
Speaker 1: our first reaction is to get mad. But it's a
Speaker 1: compliment to the relationship. When he comes to you, it
Speaker 1: means he trusts you, he's invested enough in the relationship
Speaker 1: to take that risk, he's willing to be vulnerable, So
Speaker 1: it's actually a compliment. And if the first thing out
Speaker 1: of your mouth is thank you so much for trusting
Speaker 1: me enough to tell me, it will shift your energy
Speaker 1: as well as the conversation. There's there's a guy, John Gottman,
Speaker 1: who did a bunch of research. He's one of the
Speaker 1: top searchers and relationships and he can predict divorced with
Speaker 1: accuracy based on his research. And one of the things
Speaker 1: he says is it percent of the time, the way
Speaker 1: a conversation starts is the way it's going to end.
Speaker 1: So if you started with how could you have done that?
Speaker 1: I can't believe it like it's gonna end on that
Speaker 1: same note. But if you can turn to him and
Speaker 1: say thank you so much for trusting me enough to
Speaker 1: share that information. I know this has got to be
Speaker 1: really hard for you. I love that it's going to
Speaker 1: change it. Um, let's lighten it up a little bit.
Speaker 1: Who was that guy again, John Com? Okay, Amy's like,
Speaker 1: I'm writing that one done. I'm just sorry. This one
Speaker 1: just kind of kept because I can't relate to this.
Speaker 1: So I want to hear this. But from Kimberly, I'm
Speaker 1: not attracted to my husband. My marriage has been someone's
Speaker 1: left well. But the weird thing is that I've had
Speaker 1: a friend tell me this before, so I'm curious to
Speaker 1: kind of get your take. But she says, my marriage
Speaker 1: has been in the gutter. In the last three years,
Speaker 1: I've only had sex with my husband. Wait, yeah, in
Speaker 1: the last three years. Sorry in the last no judgment,
Speaker 1: by the way at all, but no judgment. In the
Speaker 1: last three years, I have only had sex with my
Speaker 1: husband four times, two of which ended in babies. Um,
Speaker 1: but I am not attracted to my husband. I don't
Speaker 1: know what to do. I'm so irritated with him that
Speaker 1: I can't get past it to be turned on by him.
Speaker 1: Believe it or not, this is more common than you.
Speaker 1: That's the thing I remember having conversations with one of
Speaker 1: my girlfriends are like, I like, A, I don't want
Speaker 1: to have sex with my husband. It's been a year,
Speaker 1: and be I don't really think he's attracted, Like I'm
Speaker 1: not attracted to him. But they give away in this
Speaker 1: was I'm irritated at him. And typically the number one
Speaker 1: how many of you are irritated by your spouse? Raise
Speaker 1: your hand? What if your hand down? But wait, but
Speaker 1: that was like half the room. What is going on?
Speaker 1: And here's the thing. The number one reason that I
Speaker 1: have seen in my clinical practice why people male or female,
Speaker 1: by the way, because men withhold tex too, it's not
Speaker 1: just women. But then number one reason why people withhold
Speaker 1: sex is anger. Anger that has not been talked through process.
Speaker 1: That's what I'm getting from this person. And that she
Speaker 1: doesn't say like, oh, my husband's getting a hundred pounds
Speaker 1: and he has worked all over his face. Now, like
Speaker 1: she's not saying there's been a physical change. What she's
Speaker 1: saying is I married this guy. She's probably attracted to him.
Speaker 1: That usually were attracted to people we marry, but now
Speaker 1: I'm not. So something has changed in her marriage. And
Speaker 1: it sounds like she's angry and it sounds like what
Speaker 1: they need is talk therapy. They need to be sitting
Speaker 1: in the room with a neutral person to help them
Speaker 1: have productive conversations and to communicate and talk through their
Speaker 1: anger and process it, because when anger doesn't get processed,
Speaker 1: it gets leaked out in all different forms in our relationships.
Speaker 1: Is there anyone that's willing to open themselves up attest
Speaker 1: to this and say that maybe you're going through a
Speaker 1: dry spill in your relationship sexually and that feelings are
Speaker 1: coming up or anything. Is anyone have want to step
Speaker 1: up to the plate? Come on? Oh, okay, yeah, there
Speaker 1: we go. Um, so my boyfriend I've been together for
Speaker 1: almost eight years. Eight years, Sarah, you got some help there,
Speaker 1: barre baby, get my love? Okay, years going on at years. Um,
Speaker 1: we both live at home, but it's kind of the
Speaker 1: same thing, you know, Um, and we actually just recently
Speaker 1: had a break for a couple of months. Are you
Speaker 1: guys back from your break? Yes? Okay, yes, but even so, so,
Speaker 1: I don't know, if you know, we both kind of
Speaker 1: have some anger and frustrations, um, from the past, maybe
Speaker 1: even now, but we really don't have sex that often,
Speaker 1: and I don't know if it's maybe we live at
Speaker 1: home because I live with my parents. He lives with
Speaker 1: his parents, so that maybe has something to do with it. Um,
Speaker 1: I'm going to school. I'm a nursing school, so I
Speaker 1: don't have the funds to move out financially. Um. But
Speaker 1: it's for me, it's really frustrating. And I know you
Speaker 1: kind of have touched on this in the past that
Speaker 1: for you, you like the physical touch, right, and I'm
Speaker 1: kind of the same way. So that was actually a
Speaker 1: question I was gonna ask you and how you kind
Speaker 1: of dealt with that with Mike. Does your boyfriend know
Speaker 1: that's your love language. I think we've had the conversation before. Um.
Speaker 1: I did buy the book of a couple of years
Speaker 1: ago and we went through we were going camping, UM,
Speaker 1: so I was doing it in the car. But um,
Speaker 1: I'm sure he does, or at least he did at
Speaker 1: the time. So I don't know if it's something I
Speaker 1: need to bring up again. Well, I mean, for you know,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna obviously let the experts speak on this, but
Speaker 1: for what what I've done is, I think it's just,
Speaker 1: you know, he really needs to know what you need
Speaker 1: and what makes you fulfill. So for me, it's like,
Speaker 1: you know, he knows if I like touch and and
Speaker 1: so he makes an effort to to do those things
Speaker 1: because he knows that it's going to fulfill me more
Speaker 1: than him emptying the dishwasher when it's like vice versa
Speaker 1: for for each other. So like he rather have me
Speaker 1: em be the dishwasher than give him a guess. So like,
Speaker 1: I think he just needs to know so that way
Speaker 1: he can show up for you. And then you have
Speaker 1: to find the way that you can show up for
Speaker 1: him in whatever way that he needs because it might
Speaker 1: be different from what from what you know he wants. Um,
Speaker 1: But I think it's just, you know, it just takes
Speaker 1: some time in some practice because it might not be
Speaker 1: his first thing. Like that's not maybe not what he
Speaker 1: you know, gravitates towards. I don't know, expert, because I'm like,
Speaker 1: tell me a little bit more about the dynamic and
Speaker 1: the relationship between the two of you. Are neither of
Speaker 1: you wanting sex? Is one of you wanting it the
Speaker 1: other one is not? I need a little more information.
Speaker 1: I think I'm wanting it more and he is, um girl.
Speaker 1: And what does he say about when when you talk
Speaker 1: out that or you initiate what's his response. Typically, if
Speaker 1: it's initiated, you know, we we will have sex, but
Speaker 1: it's not as often anymore that he'll initiate it um
Speaker 1: And a lot of times he's like, well, I'm just tired.
Speaker 1: You know, I work. He works for the gas company,
Speaker 1: and so it's like, well, I've been working all day,
Speaker 1: I'm tired. It's this and I'm like, okay, I guess
Speaker 1: you know or does want to have a good sex
Speaker 1: life with you. I think so it's not honestly, not
Speaker 1: something we've been We've brought up a lot because I'm
Speaker 1: not sure how to bring it up. Talking about sex
Speaker 1: once it becomes an issue, becomes so scary and so
Speaker 1: difficult to do that everyone's afraid of hurting each other,
Speaker 1: of egos, of making things worse. And sometimes people think, oh,
Speaker 1: if I talked about it's gonna make it worse. But
Speaker 1: things have to be performance too, because it's like the
Speaker 1: more we talk about it, the more you know it
Speaker 1: doesn't work. Yeah, that's not pure, but like you know
Speaker 1: what like like we all know like from the other
Speaker 1: side of it. Never mind, but if you want to
Speaker 1: take right now, German, let me ask you something. When
Speaker 1: you guys first met that first six months of the relationship,
Speaker 1: what did you guys do that made you gut? Like
Speaker 1: if you were getting ready for a date, what did
Speaker 1: you do? How did you get ready for a date?
Speaker 1: It would depend on where we were going. Did you
Speaker 1: pick out an outfit? Yeah, and I do still try
Speaker 1: to do that. Would you get like some cute laundree? No,
Speaker 1: I'm not really that to p Anderson either, I'm really
Speaker 1: not that type of more of like a naked cow
Speaker 1: whatever whatever, had a job done. Would you think about
Speaker 1: like the last time you guys had sex or they kissed,
Speaker 1: or how hot it was once in a while you like,
Speaker 1: And I'm talking early stage of the relation, when things
Speaker 1: were hot and heavy. Yes, definitely. One of the things
Speaker 1: I see a lot of the time that I have
Speaker 1: a feeling that's going on for you guys, is that
Speaker 1: eight years into a relation, people go on autopilot and
Speaker 1: they expect their sex life to run on its own,
Speaker 1: And I'm sorry, sex lives don't. And if you just
Speaker 1: let it kind of do its thing. We tend to
Speaker 1: be negligent. We tend to not take as good care
Speaker 1: of ourselves. We tend to not do the things that
Speaker 1: not only were seductive to our partner, but seductive to ourselves.
Speaker 1: Like you're you're not a brown panty scale. I I
Speaker 1: feel you, but there are a lot of people out
Speaker 1: there who are. And when a woman who's into cutber
Speaker 1: on panties puts it on for her partner, she's also
Speaker 1: kind of getting herself sex stuff. She's getting that energy going.
Speaker 1: She's seducing herself as well as him. My only thing
Speaker 1: to that, though, and I'm so sorry to cut you off,
Speaker 1: is that if that's not what he's because if if
Speaker 1: I were to do that, because I'm not I don't, like,
Speaker 1: I don't even know if I have one piece of laundry, Like,
Speaker 1: I'm just not laundrey a girl. I'd rather put on
Speaker 1: an extra large T shirt and some panties and go
Speaker 1: to bed like whatever, like like i mean, I'm talking
Speaker 1: about like the Target brand. Like I'm just not like
Speaker 1: that girl. So if I were to do that and
Speaker 1: then get turned down, that feeling sucks, you know, So
Speaker 1: you might have to really have a conversation with him,
Speaker 1: because again, figure out what his love languages to make him,
Speaker 1: you know, because it might not be the launerie. But
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, that that's not what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: It's not about. What I'm saying is the things that
Speaker 1: we do in the beginning of a relationship get us
Speaker 1: excited about sex and excited about a date, are the
Speaker 1: things we tend to neglect doing. I don't care about
Speaker 1: the specific bra or the panties, but what I care
Speaker 1: about is the mindset. And I care about the things
Speaker 1: that she did before that date and doesn't have to panties,
Speaker 1: not brow on panties. But she was thinking about the
Speaker 1: last time that they kissed or they made love. She
Speaker 1: was thinking about things that made her hot and got
Speaker 1: her juices flowing. And he probably was doing the same.
Speaker 1: He's probably like, but not because I can't wait to
Speaker 1: see her and I can't wait to see her as
Speaker 1: sparkle and like touch her arm and whatever, you know.
Speaker 1: But it's about getting into a seductive mindset. And eight
Speaker 1: years later, if you're not making an effort to get
Speaker 1: into a sexual mindset, if you're not doing things to
Speaker 1: kind of keep your juices flowing, they don't tend to flow.
Speaker 1: We tend that the familiarity tends to kind of squash
Speaker 1: that our sexuality. It tends to have to make it flat, Sarah,
Speaker 1: what do you do because you've been six years in
Speaker 1: almost seven almost seven and almost there, we're almost still
Speaker 1: less in case you didn't notice. Um, yeah, so I
Speaker 1: was thinking because where they is, Oh my god, he's
Speaker 1: gonna kill me, kill me? Um, oh my god. So
Speaker 1: we're the opposite because like he loves to do it
Speaker 1: and I also loved to do it, and so like
Speaker 1: this is a weird mindset. Okay, let me just start
Speaker 1: from saying my last relationship I was. I was cheated
Speaker 1: on when you were ten. I'm sorry, I just heard
Speaker 1: like I said, my last relationship. Okay, you said him,
Speaker 1: I was cheated on all up and down the walls,
Speaker 1: and I didn't even really care, and I was like,
Speaker 1: it's me, it's me, it's me, it's me, it's me.
Speaker 1: So when I met him, I was like, okay, guys
Speaker 1: like sex. I'm gonna have sex all the time whenever
Speaker 1: you want to do it. I do it like I
Speaker 1: don't care, like I'm gonna make him. And then as
Speaker 1: it kind of went on four years, five years, it
Speaker 1: was like, oh my god, we're still doing it all
Speaker 1: the time when he wants to. So I think, for me, listen,
Speaker 1: I'm also trying to ring, So if that's what I
Speaker 1: have to do, I'll do it. That was like four
Speaker 1: years after you gain my mind and I am dead,
Speaker 1: Oh it'll go and I'm like, well, here we are later.
Speaker 1: But I think that you have to find it enjoyable
Speaker 1: for you. So like for me, I was like, you
Speaker 1: know what, I want to do it when I want
Speaker 1: to do it, and not just when he wants to
Speaker 1: do it. And so even though that's not your situation,
Speaker 1: I think that you need to find like, Okay, I
Speaker 1: feel best what kind of like you were saying, like,
Speaker 1: if I have my nailed son, I'm done. I could
Speaker 1: take over the world for you if it's like I
Speaker 1: feel really good today and I'm going to do this
Speaker 1: and if he is still you know, because I think
Speaker 1: there's a sense of like when you're feeling yourself, someone
Speaker 1: else picks up on that. It's like like even with him,
Speaker 1: like when he's feeling himself, I'm like, oh yeah, like
Speaker 1: I get so do I agree with you on that,
Speaker 1: But I also think that you need to obviously have
Speaker 1: a conversation and be like this is how I feel.
Speaker 1: Because for sure, what I was gonna say when you
Speaker 1: said he is. It's like everyone can say what they want,
Speaker 1: but you guys are obviously doing something right if it's
Speaker 1: lasting for eight years. And that's what I say, like
Speaker 1: when people are like no, because it's true. When people
Speaker 1: are like, oh my god, like he's never I'm like, well,
Speaker 1: we're obviously doing something right because seven years in, I
Speaker 1: don't hate him, and like we don't have kids, we
Speaker 1: haven't had a wedding, so it's only going to get better.
Speaker 1: So like you're obviously, you guys obviously are doing something
Speaker 1: right that is working for you. So I feel like
Speaker 1: you just need to be like, look, this is how
Speaker 1: I feel. And then if he's like I don't care,
Speaker 1: then that's something huge. If he's like, you know what,
Speaker 1: this is how I feel? Because what's your sign? Oh Jesus, okay,
Speaker 1: I know because like, um, I don't like talk about
Speaker 1: my feelings at all ever. And so like if I
Speaker 1: cry to tie, he's like whoa, and then like maybe
Speaker 1: he'll like cry like didn't you just have a blow
Speaker 1: up with him about the ring? Like here we go
Speaker 1: two nights ago, Yeah I did. I did? Oh you
Speaker 1: want me to go on? I feel so when I
Speaker 1: have a meltdown, and tell him how I feel that's
Speaker 1: like it's not his love l but he's like, oh
Speaker 1: my god, like you're you're serious. So then like it
Speaker 1: allows him to be like okay, So like we had
Speaker 1: I had a melt down the other night and he
Speaker 1: also had to melt down, and Sich Cathery were just
Speaker 1: like melting but it was really therapeutic. And he was like,
Speaker 1: I hear you, and I was like, and I hear
Speaker 1: you too. So that's I mean, I think that's why
Speaker 1: he and I have lost it so long is because
Speaker 1: we have really good communication. Um, I don't know if
Speaker 1: he really listens to me, but we talk a lot.
Speaker 1: So I think that I think that you need to
Speaker 1: just like obviously have a serious conversation, not just like
Speaker 1: a joke like I want to do it. And I
Speaker 1: think also the other part, and I see this a lot,
Speaker 1: is that once you've kind of talked about the emotional
Speaker 1: aspect of it, you also want to rule out the
Speaker 1: physical aspect. Because I can't tell you how many men
Speaker 1: I see young men in this day and age who
Speaker 1: have low testoster. I always anytime I get a couple
Speaker 1: in my office where the man doesn't have a sex drive,
Speaker 1: that he's happy with and that's hurting the relationship. I was,
Speaker 1: please go and get your testoster and check before we
Speaker 1: do anything. We got to rule this out. I had
Speaker 1: a couple in my my office once. I wrote about
Speaker 1: this in my book The Relationship Fixed, which by the way,
Speaker 1: I'd love to give you a copy of um that
Speaker 1: this couple came in for ten years, this guy had
Speaker 1: no sex dride that his wife her heart was broken
Speaker 1: like she was so angry and resembled by time they
Speaker 1: came in and I said, you gotta get yourself in
Speaker 1: there and just get your test aster and check. He
Speaker 1: goes in. His was incredibly low. The doctor puts him
Speaker 1: on an appropriate dose of testosterone. His sex drive is back.
Speaker 1: His wife was so hurt that for ten years she
Speaker 1: felt rejected, She felt hurt. She begged him to go
Speaker 1: the doctor. She begged him to do all these things
Speaker 1: and he didn't. That then the issue was no longer
Speaker 1: a sex drive. It was how hurt she was for
Speaker 1: ten years, and we had to spend all this time
Speaker 1: in therapy because she was so hurt. So I always
Speaker 1: like to rule out the physical, talk about the emotional,
Speaker 1: and then also changed the behavior to behavior that's conducive
Speaker 1: to having a sex life. Both of you guys, being
Speaker 1: in your parents houses not so conducive. So you have
Speaker 1: to really go out of your way to create situations
Speaker 1: that make space for sex. If if it's not the
Speaker 1: the physical with the test testosterone everything like that, how
Speaker 1: can you determine if maybe it is just an intimacy disorder?
Speaker 1: And I'm not talking about it diction aror anything like that,
Speaker 1: but some people can still just once the relationship is getting,
Speaker 1: you know, longer in his tenure, you know that that
Speaker 1: magic does kind of naturally fade. Right, So if someone
Speaker 1: it's easy to have sex early on when you really
Speaker 1: don't know the person that well you're going to to
Speaker 1: know each other, but then when you get into a
Speaker 1: nitty gritty it's it's like that there's so much intimacy there,
Speaker 1: which for me, I just know personally makes me so
Speaker 1: uncomfortable that I'm trying to get through and grow from.
Speaker 1: So have you seen that just in relationships that don't
Speaker 1: have to deal with addiction, but just absolutely yes, I
Speaker 1: think that for most people, for the vast majority of
Speaker 1: people in this country, if we're really honest, that having
Speaker 1: emotional intimacy and having sex in the same relationship is challenging.
Speaker 1: It is a vulnerable experience. It is a challenging experience.
Speaker 1: I mean, in my book, the last chapter sex, everyone
Speaker 1: was jumped to that chapter, but really a huge part
Speaker 1: of that chapter is about exactly this, in the emotions
Speaker 1: of how do you handle both and what do how
Speaker 1: do you do the things that make a sex life grow,
Speaker 1: and and kind of what are the actual steps you
Speaker 1: need to take in the conversations you need to have?
Speaker 1: But yeah, that is the conversation, Alan, how's your sex life? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Should we do one more question for Jenn? I thought
Speaker 1: there was one in the back. By the way, thank
Speaker 1: you very much for opening year story. So there's not
Speaker 1: one in the back. No, okay, yeah, the last one
Speaker 1: for gen Man. My husband and I have been together
Speaker 1: for thirteen years, five years dating and eight years married.
Speaker 1: We got into an argument the other day about how
Speaker 1: much we should be happy sex. We have sex about
Speaker 1: three Jesus, we have sex about three times a week,
Speaker 1: and he thinks that isn't enough. Just curious what y'all think.
Speaker 1: I mean, I think, hello, like, if you've got kids
Speaker 1: a factor in tired schedules. I mean, I want sex
Speaker 1: a lot, but I'm happy with two a week. I'd
Speaker 1: like three, that'd be fun. But hell, I do for
Speaker 1: spend me around, baby, But I mean like for you.
Speaker 1: I mean like I feel like you're good, like once
Speaker 1: a week, like you're like I get my thing in
Speaker 1: and then I'm good. Oh, welcome to wind. It was
Speaker 1: seriously like, what would you think, Like, what's a healthy number?
Speaker 1: It's it's based on these couple. It's what people need.
Speaker 1: What do you want? Whatever you want? He's trained so
Speaker 1: well just thinking that. No, but I think we do
Speaker 1: it like what twice a week? Sorry? Mom? I mean
Speaker 1: I have kids, Jesus obviously do I'm not sex No,
Speaker 1: really keep tracks sometimes more, sometimes less. A lot of
Speaker 1: people want to know too, if the Tan Trick sex
Speaker 1: therapy worked for us and what happened. I mean, you're
Speaker 1: not to give me all the details, but just let
Speaker 1: me tell you. After we got done with the Tan
Speaker 1: Trick therapy. No, um, I it worked. We just haven't
Speaker 1: done well on the follow through because we got sick,
Speaker 1: like we're still kind of dealing with the cold right now. Um,
Speaker 1: and we didn't really follow directions we're supposed to when
Speaker 1: we did. That's your fault though, buddy, I'm sorry when
Speaker 1: I have sex with my wife. So through through the exercises,
Speaker 1: you're not supposed to have sex afterwards, well every time
Speaker 1: we So the tantrik exercise is like so there was
Speaker 1: a couple different ways. Like one was like massage your
Speaker 1: partner like that, so it's like like your massage their
Speaker 1: leg and their body from linked up to like toes
Speaker 1: or like feel yeah. But then the one of them
Speaker 1: was basically dry humping and you're basically just laying in
Speaker 1: bed like humping each other. I mean, I felt like
Speaker 1: we were eighth grade all over again. But this time
Speaker 1: I got to get lucky, so I was like, all right,
Speaker 1: I was doing it, so I'm dead direction Um, okay, Jan,
Speaker 1: thank you so much. Just answer a little bit on
Speaker 1: the question real quick. Oh sure, it was a question
Speaker 1: I just imagined, like Mike drop humping. I actually wrote
Speaker 1: a call about the common InStyle magazine that was about
Speaker 1: how many times a week should you be having sex?
Speaker 1: The research shows and and look, I gotta be honest personally,
Speaker 1: clinically this sounds a really a lot of me. But
Speaker 1: people who have sex couples of sex once a week
Speaker 1: are technically the happiest. I don't like that study that
Speaker 1: it just it seems low, but like whatever works, and
Speaker 1: and and look truthfully, clinically speaking, what matters to me
Speaker 1: is that therapist when a couple comes in. If a
Speaker 1: couple comes and says we're having sex once every other
Speaker 1: week and we are thrilled, were satisfied, we feel connected
Speaker 1: by great, that works if there if the problem is
Speaker 1: with the disparity, And what I would want to know
Speaker 1: with this couple is what's going on that he wants
Speaker 1: more sex? Is it really just about the sex? Is
Speaker 1: it about he wants more intimacy? Is it he wants
Speaker 1: more attention? Is it that he was molested as a
Speaker 1: child and is sexually compulsive and is acting out and
Speaker 1: needs sex to bind his anxiety? Like there are a
Speaker 1: lot of reasons why people want sex besides sex. Well,
Speaker 1: can I just intro Christine to this and are you
Speaker 1: okay with me? Okay? You guys? First, I'll give it
Speaker 1: up for Christie Morrell. She was she was on the
Speaker 1: podcast a couple of weeks ago and she was talking
Speaker 1: about health and um, we talked about weighing myself and
Speaker 1: you know, just about body issues and I kind of
Speaker 1: want to bring you in on this conversation with us,
Speaker 1: because she, well, Aimy just kind of whispered in my
Speaker 1: ear with that thanks and again you said you're okay.
Speaker 1: So I feel like I feel like I'm kind of
Speaker 1: like being intrusive and kind of mean, but it's fun.
Speaker 1: You schedule sex exactly. So we've been married for um
Speaker 1: fifteen years and we have two kids, a nine year
Speaker 1: old and eleven year old. And we went to see
Speaker 1: a therapist before we had kids, and it was an
Speaker 1: amazing experience. And what he did is he had us
Speaker 1: each right down what our expectations are for each other.
Speaker 1: How do you want to raise kids? How many kids
Speaker 1: do you want? How do you want to discipline them?
Speaker 1: How many times? Does he want to have sex? Many times?
Speaker 1: And sex was very important for him and I'm very
Speaker 1: emotional and I needed a lot of attention. So he
Speaker 1: was like, Okay, then if it's important for him to
Speaker 1: have sex twice a week, we have kids, how are
Speaker 1: we going to do this? So we've decided and we
Speaker 1: have a lot of communication on this and it's easier
Speaker 1: for us to schedule sex. So Mondays and Fridays, I
Speaker 1: usually get home early, the kids are still in school,
Speaker 1: like legitimately every Monday were single Monday at the same time,
Speaker 1: at the same time, exactly doesn't ever have sex like
Speaker 1: during the weekend and we're just spontaneously. It happens rarely rarely,
Speaker 1: But does it? Does it feel? Because I know that
Speaker 1: will that would never work for us because well, for
Speaker 1: for someone like me, it would be a mind it
Speaker 1: would be in mind. Oh my gosh, would be like
Speaker 1: I would have so much anxiety around that tom planning intimacy.
Speaker 1: Like for someone like me who doesn't like intimacy and
Speaker 1: anew that I would be like, Okay, so at Thursday
Speaker 1: at five, I gotta be informed me because I'm just
Speaker 1: thinking about that. I can't do that. But like for you,
Speaker 1: like does it No, it gets me excited, Like I know,
Speaker 1: like mondays, I get up and I'm like excited, I'm
Speaker 1: looking forward to the day. I know exactly what if
Speaker 1: it like your stomach hurts or like you have a headache,
Speaker 1: or what if you know, you get a meeting that changes,
Speaker 1: like sorry, I gotta have sex at three o'clock, Like
Speaker 1: you can't change your schedule. I'm friends with Christie and
Speaker 1: she's been at my house, Like does she do it
Speaker 1: at your house, but she's like, yeah, it's five are
Speaker 1: all our neighbor and girlfriends. And she'll say, sorry, guys,
Speaker 1: I gotta go in six minutes after have sex. Yeah. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you can change days and Fridays and now it's changed anyway.
Speaker 1: But it totally works for us and he gets he
Speaker 1: gets what he needs, as do I. It's just I
Speaker 1: don't know, there's something about the excitement of looking forward
Speaker 1: to it and knowing it's going to happen, because I
Speaker 1: feel like for me, I I can get like exhausted
Speaker 1: and I'm tired, I'm doing a million things, and I
Speaker 1: just I feel like, if it's scheduled, I know I'm
Speaker 1: gonna make him happy. Therefore I'm going to get what
Speaker 1: I need. It just works. Be like hour, You've told
Speaker 1: him don't touch me at least two or three times,
Speaker 1: So is that like your way? I'm just bring it
Speaker 1: baby like you and to say that one more time
Speaker 1: is now I'm not going to be mad at you
Speaker 1: when you as the Christian when my diffuser do go
Speaker 1: ahead like I just kissed off creamer, it's amazing. So
Speaker 1: I'm just wondering if you use sex and like pushing
Speaker 1: away intimacy as a way of showing him that you're
Speaker 1: piste off because you know that he knows that that's
Speaker 1: your love language. And the last two last hour, you've
Speaker 1: said don't touch me at least twice and he's physically
Speaker 1: pushed him away from you. Yeah, so it's great question
Speaker 1: up because that any push him away again. Shoot, no, um,
Speaker 1: I've never used sex against um, against us ever. For
Speaker 1: the last night when he tried to get it on
Speaker 1: last night, I was angry at him and I felt
Speaker 1: really disrespected. And what I don't want is I don't
Speaker 1: want to use sex in a healthy way. So I
Speaker 1: knew that him trying, like him him wanting to have
Speaker 1: sex to me last night, I wasn't in the head space.
Speaker 1: And I know that if I'm not in the right headspace,
Speaker 1: I'm going to spiral it and I'm gonna start thinking
Speaker 1: about bad stuff when we're having sex, and then it's
Speaker 1: just gonna end up being bad. So if I'm not
Speaker 1: in a good headspace, and that's when does that ever happen? Like, like,
Speaker 1: in the spirit of pissing you off, potentially, did you
Speaker 1: choose to try to be intimate with her as a
Speaker 1: way of good question? Good question, but no, honestly, but
Speaker 1: do you find it interesting that you were super attracted
Speaker 1: to her and like super horny as you just said,
Speaker 1: and wanted your juices to flow as you would say,
Speaker 1: like when you knew she was pissed off at you.
Speaker 1: That actually is a very siightful question as well, because
Speaker 1: very stute. Yeah, very stupid, because I, honestly I don't
Speaker 1: know the answer to that, because that could very well
Speaker 1: be in my subconscious being like, Okay, I know she'll
Speaker 1: probably turn this down. So for me and with my
Speaker 1: issue with intimacy and sometimes per for me, it's like,
Speaker 1: you know, she's probably not gonna want this, so there's
Speaker 1: no pressure for me, there's no But I'm onto you though,
Speaker 1: here's the deal. Maybe I will start using it as something,
Speaker 1: so maybe I will get mad to be like I'm
Speaker 1: gonna get it. Definitely about giving a little. I think
Speaker 1: that there's another factor in all of this, and that
Speaker 1: is Mike. When you when she's not mad at you,
Speaker 1: you guys are more merged emotionally, and that intimacy scary.
Speaker 1: But when she's mad, she pulls back from you, That
Speaker 1: pulls back in terms of the intimacy, So it makes
Speaker 1: it a little safer for you to approach given your
Speaker 1: issues around intimacy. And I think you are the perfect
Speaker 1: example of when we're angry, we withhold sex, we're pissed,
Speaker 1: we then don't want to go there and be that
Speaker 1: emotionally connected. But one thing I want to add to
Speaker 1: the question that you asked it, and it was a
Speaker 1: series of truly brilliant questions and incredibly astute um. But
Speaker 1: sometimes with couples less you guys have experienced trauma, So
Speaker 1: this might not work for you, guys, But for a
Speaker 1: couple where there's just kind of the typical intimacy sex
Speaker 1: trouble of like, wow, we're so emotionally intimate, it's really
Speaker 1: scary to have such close intimate sex. Sometimes getting into
Speaker 1: stuff like role playing, getting into you know, toys, bondage
Speaker 1: games like all that kind of stuff can kind of
Speaker 1: remove or even positions where you're not face to face,
Speaker 1: you know, those kind of things in kind of help
Speaker 1: lessen the intimacy and make the sex exciting and kind
Speaker 1: of shake it up a bit, but also kind of
Speaker 1: pull back on the intimacy a little. Love that. Um, Christie,
Speaker 1: can I see the question? I want to switch gears
Speaker 1: a little bit to health and Sarah too if you
Speaker 1: want to pop on with my Mike. Um this is
Speaker 1: from Caitlin. She has a workout addiction, just like Sarah.
Speaker 1: I have to work out. When I don't, I get
Speaker 1: upset and work out even harder the next day. On
Speaker 1: top of that, I have to sweat. If I don't,
Speaker 1: then I feel like I failed myself. But question is
Speaker 1: how can I get out of this habit? Until that podcast,
Speaker 1: I would have never realized this is a bad thing.
Speaker 1: Is this something of a concern I should take focus
Speaker 1: on or just let it go? I think it all
Speaker 1: depends again how it affects your life. I think if
Speaker 1: you're mad at yourself, or you can't enjoy your day
Speaker 1: because you haven't sweat that day, I think that there
Speaker 1: is something wrong with that. I think you should be
Speaker 1: able to have workouts where so I can speak to
Speaker 1: this personally because I had an addiction with exercise, so um,
Speaker 1: I would say that was my means of almost like
Speaker 1: exercise bliemeia when I was in college, where I would
Speaker 1: eat a lot and then have to exercise. But I
Speaker 1: didn't feel right unless I was like pouring sweat. And
Speaker 1: so now in my adult life. I do things that
Speaker 1: actually don't sweat at a hall, which is interesting how
Speaker 1: it's the complete opposite. But for those that feel like
Speaker 1: they can't have a good day or they are just
Speaker 1: in a you know, funky mindset all day because they
Speaker 1: haven't sweat, I understand the adorphins. I get that it's
Speaker 1: important to move your body and feel good, like there's
Speaker 1: nothing wrong with that, But when it's an absolute addiction,
Speaker 1: like if I don't sweat today, then I will have
Speaker 1: a bad day and everything will be like wrong, and
Speaker 1: that that definitely is a problem. And for sure I
Speaker 1: would think about either talking to somebody or you know,
Speaker 1: be up for the challenge. You like, let me just
Speaker 1: see what happens if I just go out in nature
Speaker 1: and do a hike or do something like a walk
Speaker 1: instead of having to do a class where I'm like
Speaker 1: dripping sweat. How does that make me feel? And if
Speaker 1: it is a problem, then yeah, I actually think you
Speaker 1: should talk to somebody. And I think a part of that,
Speaker 1: like to your point, because obviously we just have this
Speaker 1: come station like two weeks ago, I which I didn't
Speaker 1: say on the podcast, is when I was I think
Speaker 1: there's a difference like is it a control thing or
Speaker 1: is it it like an addiction? And for me, I
Speaker 1: had Texa Jenna and being like I feel so out
Speaker 1: of control with ties sometimes that I feel in control
Speaker 1: when I work out. So when when we were talking
Speaker 1: about the addiction thing, I was like, okay, like like
Speaker 1: she's running for the rain. But it's like sometimes because
Speaker 1: I can think we're so good, but when we're not,
Speaker 1: I'm so out of control and I'm a control freak,
Speaker 1: and so when we're out of control, it's like if
Speaker 1: it like so that was more okay, it could be
Speaker 1: an addiction, but maybe for her it's like you need
Speaker 1: to kind of decide, Okay, is it a control thing
Speaker 1: or is this like an addiction thing? Because I feel
Speaker 1: Jenna and I have had these conversations if we've been
Speaker 1: addicted to other things and then it's like, oh no,
Speaker 1: it's onto this or now it's onto this, and it's like, okay,
Speaker 1: it could be I'm addicted to this and now I'm
Speaker 1: not addicted to that anymore. Now it's working out, and
Speaker 1: so I feel like it's always been working out. But
Speaker 1: for me, it's more of a control I just and
Speaker 1: I feel better. I just love to work out, But
Speaker 1: this is a good one that I think. Sorry, Christie, UM,
Speaker 1: just a lot of people with kids can probably relate to.
Speaker 1: This is from Stephanie, and I think Jane and I
Speaker 1: have kind of touched on this a little bit, just
Speaker 1: in fear of when Jolie and Chase get older. But
Speaker 1: she says, my daughter is almost twelve and went from
Speaker 1: ninety eight pounds to approximately a hundred sixteen. She has
Speaker 1: had a lot of changes during this time. Her dad
Speaker 1: not split up and we moved. She used to play
Speaker 1: soccer but now how but now has zero interest. She
Speaker 1: loves cheeseburger's, pasta, soda and all the all that kind
Speaker 1: of junk food. We went to buy a swimsuit over
Speaker 1: the weekend and it was terrible. She's always one or
Speaker 1: two pieces and when she tried one on, she hated herself.
Speaker 1: How can I help her so that she feels better
Speaker 1: about herself? I joined the y m c A for
Speaker 1: both of us, but she but she really won't work out. Well,
Speaker 1: how would you say she was twelve? That's really sad. Okay,
Speaker 1: So I have a lot of thoughts on this question
Speaker 1: because I do work with a lot of young kids
Speaker 1: in my private practice. And I think the first thing
Speaker 1: is to have an open dialogue about it. I think
Speaker 1: with your kid is so important to talk about it.
Speaker 1: What do you want instead of I'm going to join
Speaker 1: us a Y M C A that you really don't
Speaker 1: even want to do. So right then and there, I
Speaker 1: was like, you need to have a conversation of what
Speaker 1: would you like to do? What interests you to move
Speaker 1: your body, because it's important to move your body. I
Speaker 1: want her to feel good in her body and wear
Speaker 1: a swimsuit and be able to go to the beach
Speaker 1: and feel comfortable. So what does that look like? So again,
Speaker 1: the first conversation I've always tell parents to do is
Speaker 1: have a real heart to heart with your child about it,
Speaker 1: which is, look, how do you complained about looking this
Speaker 1: way in a swimsuit? You're not you have been eating
Speaker 1: all of these things. Why don't we talk about what
Speaker 1: you would want to do to be active? Do you
Speaker 1: want to go ride your bike? Should we go down
Speaker 1: to the beach and go for a walk to you
Speaker 1: like hiking? Like, let's try different things together and explore
Speaker 1: activity because the inactivity is such a problem for kids.
Speaker 1: So it's the first establishing what could be something she
Speaker 1: would enjoy doing. Can I ask a question. I feel
Speaker 1: like today with so many helicopter parents and snowclad parents,
Speaker 1: are all those kind of concepts of them just allowing
Speaker 1: the ke it is to run the household almost and
Speaker 1: dictate what they do, what they eat, and everything like that.
Speaker 1: And you, I understand what you're saying. It's like, hey,
Speaker 1: let's make this decision together. But say the child really
Speaker 1: just says, I don't want to do anything. I don't
Speaker 1: want to do this. Like at what point You're like, no,
Speaker 1: I'm the adult, this is unhealthy. I'm your parents right there.
Speaker 1: First of all, I don't want to see you upset. Okay,
Speaker 1: So that's one thing. And sometimes I'll have the parents
Speaker 1: direct them to the pediatrician because that power struggle can
Speaker 1: be an issue. So the pediatrician says, here's where you
Speaker 1: are on the growth curve. This is really you can develop,
Speaker 1: you know, pre diabetes. These these types of things can
Speaker 1: really be harmful for your health. Then it's not just
Speaker 1: coming from the mom and having that struggle. You're actually
Speaker 1: having an appointment with a doctor that says, look, you
Speaker 1: are head in the wrong direction, and from a health standpoint,
Speaker 1: this is where what I would you know suggest you're doing,
Speaker 1: and sometimes that takes the edge off the mom um.
Speaker 1: And then I would also say accountability for the parents,
Speaker 1: like if you're just buying what a what they want
Speaker 1: and chips and oh, she really loves ice cream. And
Speaker 1: I do think it's important that the mom the parents
Speaker 1: take the role of bringing healthy foods into the household.
Speaker 1: I know with my kids, when they get home from
Speaker 1: school and they're hungry, I'm not just throwing them chips
Speaker 1: and all this other stuff. I'm like, Okay, let's have
Speaker 1: So what's the balance for that? Because he's a he's
Speaker 1: a major dunk food eater, and I can't have junk
Speaker 1: food in the house because I will eat the entire
Speaker 1: bag of whatever it is, Like I had to throw
Speaker 1: away huge I'll wake up you are at three o'clock
Speaker 1: in the morning. When I woke up this like the
Speaker 1: other morning, there was an entire Oreo case empty, I
Speaker 1: was like, yeah, it was like you ate the entire
Speaker 1: bag of Oreos in one setting. Are you kidding me?
Speaker 1: There's two nights it took me to eat it. I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: is that any better? So? And I just like I
Speaker 1: know that I can't have something in there. So my
Speaker 1: girlfriend Julie, she kept their doing these little like peep
Speaker 1: things in my bag and if I have those, like,
Speaker 1: I will eat the entire thing, and so like it's
Speaker 1: it's so, but he'll he'll bring home the gusters and
Speaker 1: the you know, the doritos. And again, if I see
Speaker 1: cheese dorritos, I will eat the entire bag in one sitting.
Speaker 1: So I know that I can't have it in the house,
Speaker 1: but he brings it home and I'm like, well, let
Speaker 1: me do that one. But then like my daughter's eating
Speaker 1: and I'm like, well this is now. Now we're creating
Speaker 1: the environment of like not well, when I was pregnant,
Speaker 1: I was craving them. So he brought him home a lot.
Speaker 1: So I think it's very important, in my opinion that
Speaker 1: you have that balance between the two. I think it
Speaker 1: would be really strange if it's like they only ate
Speaker 1: apples and carrots and peppers and and once in a
Speaker 1: blue moon they got a chip or a parrot's bootie
Speaker 1: or something. That would be again, it's going is healthy, Yes,
Speaker 1: it's fine market, but the point is for them to
Speaker 1: establish good, healthy eating habits right when they're young. That
Speaker 1: is a huge thing for me. So when they are
Speaker 1: hungry from school, that's when I can get in a
Speaker 1: good amount of fruits and vegetables, and then they can
Speaker 1: have their pirates booty or whatever it is that they want.
Speaker 1: And then for dessert, if they want an oreo, it's
Speaker 1: fine as well. You have to be able to have
Speaker 1: conversations about that versus No, that's bad, that has sugar, No,
Speaker 1: that has chemicals in it, that's you know, the worst
Speaker 1: thing you can put in your body. That's not helping
Speaker 1: the child. So it's really about educating them of like
Speaker 1: eat your you know, growing foods first, or however you
Speaker 1: want to say it. And then if you want to
Speaker 1: have some ice cream after dinner, it's fine. I wrote
Speaker 1: my doctor's dissertation on weight loss and eating stories. I
Speaker 1: have an app called No More Diets. When I hear
Speaker 1: a story like this, especially she mentioned in it that
Speaker 1: her and her husband were having problems. This is a
Speaker 1: child who's acting something out. This is about more than
Speaker 1: this is a kid who's turning to food to soothe herself.
Speaker 1: She may be being compulsive with food. She may be
Speaker 1: using food to tune out, to not take in what's
Speaker 1: going on in the household and to me, the bigger issue,
Speaker 1: the more important issue, is the underlying anxiety. She's binding, sadness,
Speaker 1: she's feeling, whatever it is that is driving this has
Speaker 1: to be addressed. Because you can put all the healthy
Speaker 1: food that you want in the house, and you can
Speaker 1: encourage and you know, teach her about nutrition, which is
Speaker 1: all valid and legit. But if she's depressed, if she's anxious,
Speaker 1: if she is acting something out that's emotional, it's not
Speaker 1: gonna matter because she can get to our friend's house
Speaker 1: and she's gonna eat it there. She's gonna sneak it
Speaker 1: at school, she's gonna act it out elsewhere, because it's
Speaker 1: about the acting out and it's about the developing relationship
Speaker 1: she's having the food and what she's using food for.
Speaker 1: What was the question? Okay, so I'm gonna be completely
Speaker 1: raw and honest. In middle school, in high school, I
Speaker 1: have history of an eating disorder. I'm not I'm in recovery.
Speaker 1: I haven't had it in quite a few years. But
Speaker 1: I don't know if I'm projecting, but I a hundred
Speaker 1: percent feel that my best friend has an eating disorder,
Speaker 1: and I don't know how to approach it because I've
Speaker 1: tried kinda hint at her, but at this point, I'm
Speaker 1: lost and I'm worried. So what is your advice on
Speaker 1: what to do with that? It's a great question, and
Speaker 1: thank you for asking that question. I think there are
Speaker 1: a lot of people who may suspect of friends or
Speaker 1: family members who are struggling. So it's it's always a
Speaker 1: hard thing of what to say, and I'm obviously going
Speaker 1: to let John talk about this as well. So the
Speaker 1: first thing that I would say is just letting her
Speaker 1: know that you care and letting her know that you're
Speaker 1: worried about her, just the two of you, obviously no
Speaker 1: other friends around, and just make it like, hey, let's
Speaker 1: go for a walk or let's go whatever, do something
Speaker 1: just the two of us, and just look at her
Speaker 1: and just be sincere and a good friend, and just
Speaker 1: be like, I'm really worried about you. This is what
Speaker 1: I've noticed, and I don't know how to help you,
Speaker 1: but I'm really concerned, and I think you should talk
Speaker 1: to somebody, um and I think you just Again, those
Speaker 1: are those hard things because unless they want the help,
Speaker 1: unless they see that they need the help, it's very difficult.
Speaker 1: But then you kind of have to let it go.
Speaker 1: It really hard as a friend to stand by and
Speaker 1: watch somebody suffer, But at the same time, you can't
Speaker 1: try to take them on because then you're just trying
Speaker 1: to do something that's almost an impossible thing. So I
Speaker 1: think if you just have that one on one conversation,
Speaker 1: let her know that you're there and that you're worried
Speaker 1: and that you're concerned, and that you really hope that
Speaker 1: she gets some help um and that you'll be there
Speaker 1: for her. I think is really I mean for me,
Speaker 1: that's what I tell my clients or friends that I
Speaker 1: have had this happen. But again, I think Dr Jen
Speaker 1: coun probably, yeah, absolutely, with everything you said. And I
Speaker 1: also think that one of the great gifts of you
Speaker 1: being in recovery is that you can share that and
Speaker 1: that when you're able to say, this is what I
Speaker 1: went through and it was so painful and it was
Speaker 1: so scary, and this is what I did to get well.
Speaker 1: A lot of the time that experience clears the way
Speaker 1: for someone to not feel judge, because it's one that's
Speaker 1: one points that you and goes like you have an
Speaker 1: eating disorder, you need help. It feels like an assault,
Speaker 1: it feels it can feel judgmental, but you're able to
Speaker 1: say I see this in you because I recognize it
Speaker 1: from me, because I've been there and this is what
Speaker 1: helped me. And you know, I really want to see
Speaker 1: you get the help, and I'm here if you're even
Speaker 1: if you're not ready now, I just want I want
Speaker 1: us to have a conversation so that when you are ready,
Speaker 1: you know I am here for you. I will help
Speaker 1: you find a therapist. I will share the things that
Speaker 1: have helped me recover. That. That's really a great gift
Speaker 1: that you can give her. Oh, we got one more question.
Speaker 1: We'll do one more question up front. Thank you for
Speaker 1: your question. By the thank you for being vulnerable. We
Speaker 1: really appreciate it. You have You and your partner are
Speaker 1: both trying to stay healthy. You go to the gym,
Speaker 1: and sometimes it will be me, sometimes it will be
Speaker 1: him in the aspect that screwt I'm having a bag
Speaker 1: of chips, or he'll be like, I'm not going to
Speaker 1: the gym tonight. How do you maintain or how do
Speaker 1: you keep up with your partner and saying like no,
Speaker 1: come on, like how do you get encouraged and to
Speaker 1: do it without being mean or trying to be the
Speaker 1: boss of them. I guess there you go first. If
Speaker 1: I personally love to work out with Mike, Um, I
Speaker 1: think I do better when I work out with someone.
Speaker 1: I'm always wanting to work out with Sarah, like I
Speaker 1: just yeah all the time, like I'm always trying to
Speaker 1: work out better. We tried the whole thirty I have.
Speaker 1: I did wine thirty instead because I made it fifteen days,
Speaker 1: and I was like, I'm thirty five years old. No
Speaker 1: one can tell me that I can or cannot have
Speaker 1: a glass of wine and justification. Yeah that's fine. But um,
Speaker 1: I tried to drag you down with me, but you
Speaker 1: you stayed real strong in your whole thirty approach. Um,
Speaker 1: and then we both died a miserable death like day fifteen.
Speaker 1: But um, I don't know. I mean for me, it's
Speaker 1: like you have to just make it your own path,
Speaker 1: your own journey. So I'm like when I asked him,
Speaker 1: I'm like, all right, fine, you don't want to because
Speaker 1: you're being lazy. Well I'm going to go out there
Speaker 1: because this is what's good for me. And I know
Speaker 1: that when I work out, I do feel better. But
Speaker 1: I do, like I love like being around him and
Speaker 1: working out with him. So yeah, she tries, she's tried
Speaker 1: for a long time to drag me out there with her,
Speaker 1: and uh, this is my own issue, but I don't
Speaker 1: like being told what to do. And it's an invitation.
Speaker 1: It's not like I'm telling you to do this like
Speaker 1: you're working out I know, but it's like, because it
Speaker 1: was her idea, I don't want to. But if it
Speaker 1: was my idea, I'll be all for it. So that's
Speaker 1: my own issue. Um, but you know, Janna didn't let
Speaker 1: that drag her down. She's just like, all right, this
Speaker 1: is something for me. This is what I want to do.
Speaker 1: Guess I'll look to do it with you, but I'm
Speaker 1: going to do it anyway. Tori, Chrissy, do you have
Speaker 1: anything to that before we move on to Actually, I
Speaker 1: love what you just said about your own path and
Speaker 1: your own journey. Sometimes you just have to do your
Speaker 1: own thing. And if he decides that he just wants
Speaker 1: to sit home and eat a bag of chips, You're like, okay, cool,
Speaker 1: I'm going to feel better when I get home and
Speaker 1: you're gonna not probably feel so great. So I think
Speaker 1: I think shaming him probably probably we can think that. No, not, no,
Speaker 1: not shaming. We can think that physically, like, but I
Speaker 1: do think that the self care or aspect of it
Speaker 1: that like whether he goes or not, that you guys
Speaker 1: are not one unit. Yes, it's wonderful when couples can
Speaker 1: inspire each other, when they can say like, hey, going,
Speaker 1: oh great, you know, I hadn't thought I'll go with you.
Speaker 1: But I think it's also important that your health and
Speaker 1: well being in self care is not dependent on his,
Speaker 1: and that sometimes in a relationship sometimes we have to
Speaker 1: be the leader in the relationship. Sometimes we're lucky in
Speaker 1: our partner will do it, but sometimes we have to
Speaker 1: be the leader. And I think it's really important that
Speaker 1: when you make a decision you're going to the gym,
Speaker 1: whether he goes or not, you go to the gym,
Speaker 1: You take care of you, and then what he decides
Speaker 1: to do, that's on him. Tori. So I just had
Speaker 1: her own question for like kid wise, Like so meema
Speaker 1: husband have both agreed on when we have our daughter
Speaker 1: that she's not gonna have like dairy or anything like
Speaker 1: that because we don't eat that stuff. So when we
Speaker 1: told our my, my mom is a vegan, so I'm
Speaker 1: not worried about her but his parents they are like, all,
Speaker 1: we'll feed her whatever we want to feed her when
Speaker 1: she's here, because I said, I'll pack her a lunch
Speaker 1: when she comes to your house. Can you please feed
Speaker 1: her this? Because that's how we are. And then so
Speaker 1: how do you go about because I'm like, if you're
Speaker 1: not going to give her what I want that, I'm
Speaker 1: just not going to bring her over here because I
Speaker 1: feel like I can't trust them. How do you go
Speaker 1: about like doing that because they don't they think how
Speaker 1: we eat is like I'm like crazy, like because vegan,
Speaker 1: Like you're crazy, Like you're weird, you are and you
Speaker 1: can speak vegan. And I have two daughters who are
Speaker 1: a vegan, And you know, for me, it's it's an
Speaker 1: ethical decision in terms of my beliefs about it. For me,
Speaker 1: it's like a religion. And if my parents wouldn't support that,
Speaker 1: I would have a real hard time sending my kids
Speaker 1: over there, not just because of the um the food
Speaker 1: that's being but also philosophically that they aren't showing you
Speaker 1: the respect as a parent of saying, you know, we
Speaker 1: don't agree with you, we really think you should feed
Speaker 1: the meat. But if this is what you want Okay,
Speaker 1: we'll do it's your husband. Has your husband talked to
Speaker 1: his parents about this? Yeah, and I have to. I'm
Speaker 1: just like because I would say like, oh, when she
Speaker 1: comes over, like I'll pack a lunch, and they kind
Speaker 1: of just shrug it off, like oh, well, maybe she'll
Speaker 1: eat something from that, and it's like or if I
Speaker 1: get the lunch back and it's like still full, then
Speaker 1: I'm like her and it's like mine like like like
Speaker 1: I said, like ruthless. I mean, here's the question though,
Speaker 1: But what if I said to you, I'm like, I mean,
Speaker 1: I'm not. I mean, I eat meat, I eat dairy
Speaker 1: and stuff. But what if I was like, hey, you
Speaker 1: know what, I now think it's bad to kill cows,
Speaker 1: so we're not we're gonna be vegetarians, So what are
Speaker 1: you imagining? Murdering that the same a burger I had
Speaker 1: about an hour ago? But I mean, would you if
Speaker 1: I said, like, we're not feeding Jolie meat anymore? Like,
Speaker 1: how would you be with that conversation? Like would you
Speaker 1: would you respect my my thoughts and opinions on that
Speaker 1: or would you see them? That's the things because we're
Speaker 1: we already started reading our kids this way. You can't
Speaker 1: all of a sudden, see you started from ground up.
Speaker 1: Well she's not here yet. I'm here yet. Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: agreed on that. Yeah, he's like, hey, I want to
Speaker 1: do it. But that's the issue. I would hope you
Speaker 1: wouldn't come to and be like, I've decided we're not
Speaker 1: eying meat in this house anymore. But what you would
Speaker 1: do is I read this really interesting article. It got
Speaker 1: me thinking, I wonder if we're doing harm to our
Speaker 1: health here here's what I read. What do you think
Speaker 1: about this? It should always be a collaborative conversation, not
Speaker 1: like I've decided this is what we're doing. Whatever I want.
Speaker 1: He kind of just like yo, like, yeah, well, speaking
Speaker 1: of meat and fish, Thrive Market now offers fresh meat
Speaker 1: and fresh seat foods. So if you change your mind,
Speaker 1: let me just tell you so. Early we were talking
Speaker 1: about Thrive Market, a revolutionary online marketplace on a mission
Speaker 1: to make healthy living easy and affordable for everyone. And
Speaker 1: like we said, you can get everything you need, snacks,
Speaker 1: cleaning products, bottom and supplements, personal care products, everything you need.
Speaker 1: And now, like Jenna said, fresh meat and seafood. Um,
Speaker 1: they're the highest quality meats. Is this really interesting? You? Right?
Speaker 1: Now the highest quality meats at the most affordable price.
Speaker 1: Says the beef is a grass fed, free range and
Speaker 1: antibotic free um. The chicken is certified free range, certified
Speaker 1: free range in organic from small family farms. Um the seafood,
Speaker 1: I will say, we get the salmon and it is
Speaker 1: absolute delicious, so more than the Thrive Market catalog cannot
Speaker 1: be found on Amazon. So there you go. They're the
Speaker 1: largest retailer retailer their Thrive Market right there. They're like, yeah,
Speaker 1: but they are the largest retailer in the country that
Speaker 1: sells exclusively non GMO groceries. All right, we'll just keep
Speaker 1: in mind Thrive Market sprices are already fifty off as
Speaker 1: I said earlier, and now they're giving you an extra
Speaker 1: off your first order in a thirty day trial. And
Speaker 1: of course go to thrive market dot com slash Channa,
Speaker 1: slash Janna for your extra off in thirty day trial.
Speaker 1: Maybe one of these days we're gonna thrive market dot
Speaker 1: com slash Mike, No, no, nope, just slash Janna. We
Speaker 1: also want to shout out our friends at a dunk
Speaker 1: condoneuts because wind down runs on Duncan you know you
Speaker 1: don't have to go to the East Coast anymore. If
Speaker 1: you've got that craven for Duncan. Uh. They've got over
Speaker 1: fifty locations in the Greater Los Angeles area, as far
Speaker 1: south as San Clemente and as far north as Santa
Speaker 1: Clarita Altar. There's a great one near you. I know,
Speaker 1: there's one just down the street from me in a
Speaker 1: in Pasadena, California. And there's one in out Water that
Speaker 1: I that I hit up fairly often. Duncan just open
Speaker 1: a brand new location in Woodland Hills on the corner
Speaker 1: of Ventura into Panga Canyon. Duncan specializes in delicious, fresh
Speaker 1: brewed coffee and espresso beverages. It's currently featuring a new
Speaker 1: Peep's Marshmallow Flavors Swirl, just in time for Easter. It
Speaker 1: can be added to any coffee or espresso drink. So
Speaker 1: no longer do you have to take your peeps and
Speaker 1: put them in your coffee like I've been doing for years.
Speaker 1: Duncan will do it for you. Uh. It's delicious, it's
Speaker 1: super good. Uh, it's all in the Peep's Fund. Doesn't
Speaker 1: stop there. Duncan is also featuring a Peep's Doughnut topped
Speaker 1: with its iconic yellow chick. How cute is that just
Speaker 1: the Easter Bunny is gonna be eating a lot of
Speaker 1: those in a couple of weeks. Here guests can enjoy
Speaker 1: any medium sized Duncan cold brew for only two dollars
Speaker 1: from two to six pm during the month of April.
Speaker 1: So that's just for the month of April. But you
Speaker 1: get any medium sized Duncan cold brew for only two dollars.
Speaker 1: That's from two to six pm. Wind Down runs on Duncan.
Speaker 1: There's a Duncan near you, over fifty locations in the
Speaker 1: Greater l A area, So check them out. And we
Speaker 1: gotta we gotta shout out Shake Shack really quick. You know,
Speaker 1: we're talking about Duncan Donuts being one of the great
Speaker 1: treats from back East. It's made its way out here.
Speaker 1: Shake Shack also falls into that category. Uh. They they
Speaker 1: have made the big move out west and they have
Speaker 1: expanded their empire and they are all over the southern
Speaker 1: California area. Now. It's a modern, dary roadside burger known
Speaker 1: for its all natural Angus beef burgers, chicken sandwiches, and
Speaker 1: flat top vienna beef dogs. Spun fresh frozen custard, crinkle
Speaker 1: cup fries, craft beer, wine, and more. With its fresh, simple,
Speaker 1: high quality food at a great value, shake check is
Speaker 1: a fun and lively community bathering place with a little
Speaker 1: something for everyone. I I love shake Checks so much.
Speaker 1: I've gone on record saying I think it's the best
Speaker 1: burger you can get out there. It's so they're so good,
Speaker 1: I'll I will do a double Shack burger and then
Speaker 1: a single Shack burger all at the same time. And
Speaker 1: my my wife, Allison doesn't eat chicken, eat gluten, but
Speaker 1: she loves shake Shack too because they do an incredible
Speaker 1: gluten free bun. So shake Shack is a is a big,
Speaker 1: very popular place in the in our household. Uh And
Speaker 1: they just launched this new menu item. I've actually had
Speaker 1: this a bunch too. It's a chicken bites. There's no
Speaker 1: e in there. It's chick apostrophe and bites. It's made
Speaker 1: with all natural chicken breasts containing no hormones and no antibiotics.
Speaker 1: It's made fresh to order, never frozen. The chicken bites
Speaker 1: are prepared with a suvied cooking method so they're extra
Speaker 1: juicy and tender, never fried. If you haven't checked out, suevied,
Speaker 1: you sure really should. It's kind of it's a crazy
Speaker 1: way to shock cook meat, but it, um, it really
Speaker 1: gives you this, uh, this really fresh taste that you
Speaker 1: that you can't get if you're just frying it. And
Speaker 1: it's a lot better for you too. Those chicken by
Speaker 1: available in either six piece or ten piece and comes
Speaker 1: with your choice of sauce, barbecue, or honey mustard. I
Speaker 1: like to make them together. It's really really good. Head
Speaker 1: to one of shake shacks eight locations throughout Greater l
Speaker 1: A to give him a try. Locations include West Hollywood, Hollywood, Glendale,
Speaker 1: Century City, Westlake Village, Elsa Gundo, Downtown Los Angeles, or
Speaker 1: the one I frequent Burbank shake shack dot com or
Speaker 1: download the shake Shack app to get more information and
Speaker 1: find the one nearest to you. Um, you guys, please
Speaker 1: give it up for Alan. Hi. I've been sitting Hey Alan.
Speaker 1: Um do you guys obviously know Alan? He's you know,
Speaker 1: the star of Dancing with the Stars. Um, and I
Speaker 1: had the pleasure of dancing with you a couple of
Speaker 1: times when Mr gleb was sick and had his knee issues. Um,
Speaker 1: so do you do you have any takeaways from the
Speaker 1: conversations today, because yeah, actually I was sitting there and
Speaker 1: I was thinking, a lot of this is extremely, very impactful, impactful. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but I can't talk because I don't have a kid.
Speaker 1: But a lot of the stuff about eating disorders is
Speaker 1: especially in l A. When someone is in shape and
Speaker 1: they post a picture online and everyone compliments them and
Speaker 1: they say, wow, you look so good, you look so
Speaker 1: much better. That's going to encourage people to keep working out.
Speaker 1: And like they said earlier, sorry I don't know the
Speaker 1: names yet, but like they said earlier, if you're working
Speaker 1: out and you're you're not stopping until you feel that
Speaker 1: really good sweat. That's because other people are like encouraging
Speaker 1: you to feel that. And I personally think it's a
Speaker 1: psychological thing because you're trying to make yourself look better
Speaker 1: for someone else. So when you were dating the Instagram model,
Speaker 1: sorry you know, I had to go there, But did
Speaker 1: you see that we're you know, because she posted a
Speaker 1: lot of like half naked. How was that, by the way, like,
Speaker 1: as like her boyfriend at the time, was that How
Speaker 1: did you feel about was that just because it was
Speaker 1: like her image and that was fine or so I
Speaker 1: was with Alexis Frind. For those of you who don't know, Um,
Speaker 1: I'll show your last partner, my last partner on Dancing
Speaker 1: on the Star. She is a beautiful person in and out. Um,
Speaker 1: but that didn't end up so well. So for not
Speaker 1: dating anymore, for everyone asking, um, but you know we
Speaker 1: met on the show I and that's her whole career.
Speaker 1: You know she is a social media influencer. How could
Speaker 1: I tell her whether she should post something or not?
Speaker 1: You know that's not my duty as a boyfriend. Um.
Speaker 1: I personally am a super private person, So I don't
Speaker 1: like that. You know, I post some shirtless selfie is
Speaker 1: here and there? Who doesn't I'm stopping? But you know
Speaker 1: how who am I to tell someone not to post that?
Speaker 1: And so I'm sure she feels really good when she
Speaker 1: gets this awesome positive feedback from people, from millions of people,
Speaker 1: as do I. But is that this is that healthy
Speaker 1: to get that reinforcement from people? Well? I will say this,
Speaker 1: do you get upset when when you post something on
Speaker 1: Instagram and you don't get as many likes? So is
Speaker 1: that like an adorphin hit? Because sometimes you know that's
Speaker 1: something where the media is a drug. For sure. Yeah,
Speaker 1: where it's like, oh god, I didn't get that much
Speaker 1: on that one. Let me post this photo because I
Speaker 1: know this one will probably get a lot abrlutely. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I I mean, I personally think social media. I use it.
Speaker 1: I wake up in the morning, the first thing I
Speaker 1: do is check my Instagram and then I go back
Speaker 1: to sleep. So if any of you guys want to
Speaker 1: date him, you can just you know, the first thing
Speaker 1: we got a hand back there. What's them is that
Speaker 1: to date me? Or a question? He is here for
Speaker 1: the sex talk, let's go. I was a little uncomfortable
Speaker 1: with that. Now I'm open to it. Okay. So first, Janna,
Speaker 1: can you please come back to Seattle at some point
Speaker 1: because you'ven been there in a long time. Yes, please,
Speaker 1: before we love to Nashville. Please. Second, I've been getting
Speaker 1: a lot of grief from my family about my appearance,
Speaker 1: whether you're too big, you're too small, and I was
Speaker 1: kind of wondering how any of you guys handle any
Speaker 1: kind of criticism just about how you look, because it's
Speaker 1: really hard and I feel like that's kind of the
Speaker 1: biggest blocker and getting me healthy is just all the
Speaker 1: constant criticism because whenever I feel healthy, then my grandma
Speaker 1: is like, you haven't lost enough weight yet. My mom
Speaker 1: is like this, or my family and so it's just
Speaker 1: like and it's on every spectrum, whether you're too skinny
Speaker 1: or too fat, whatever, And so I'm just wondering, like
Speaker 1: how you deal with the criticism, because I think that's
Speaker 1: my biggest problem. And also, please come to Seattle. I
Speaker 1: want to talk first. Please. I think, honestly, it doesn't
Speaker 1: matter what you look like, how much you weight. It's
Speaker 1: about how you feel. And I think that's one of
Speaker 1: the best parts about working out and and getting that
Speaker 1: physical activity is feeling good afterwards. You know, just because
Speaker 1: you work out every day doesn't mean you're healthy. You know,
Speaker 1: you can be malnourished or under you know, under the
Speaker 1: correct body weight, under the percentage of fat, which is
Speaker 1: not good, it's unhealthy. So I think it's all about
Speaker 1: how you feel. And when most people work out, I
Speaker 1: think the whole concept of working out is creating a
Speaker 1: routine that is balanced in a good life, like where
Speaker 1: you eat healthy, you do enough physical activity where your
Speaker 1: body is balanced, and that you feel good. I personally,
Speaker 1: I don't know if when someone tells me that oh
Speaker 1: you look Like for example, when I go back home
Speaker 1: and my mom's like, oh, you look healthy, I immediately go, wow,
Speaker 1: I must have put on some weight. Yeah, I don't know,
Speaker 1: that's just some mental that make you feel though. It
Speaker 1: makes me feel like I have to go running, like honestly,
Speaker 1: I mean, but I feel like that's the society we
Speaker 1: live in here, where everyone will tell you something and
Speaker 1: you feel like you have to fix it, even though
Speaker 1: in my mind I'm not, Like, maybe I'm just not
Speaker 1: confident enough in myself to know that, oh I am healthy.
Speaker 1: Maybe I need that person's reassurance. And that's why, you know, Mike,
Speaker 1: I think you can attest to that well because like
Speaker 1: in it sense, like even like our friend Nick was like,
Speaker 1: you know, look at you like you don't you're not
Speaker 1: working out much or you're so skinnyca when when I
Speaker 1: have the same problem, it's totally the orios no one.
Speaker 1: When I first met all of our friends in Nashville,
Speaker 1: I was thirty pounds heavier because I was just getting
Speaker 1: out of the NFL. And so I mean that's one
Speaker 1: of those things like Alan was talking about, it's just
Speaker 1: a societal thing where I mean, even when I was
Speaker 1: in the NFL my time, they're you know, professional athletes
Speaker 1: who you think will have nothing but confidence about their body.
Speaker 1: A lot of guys would have, you know, diet restrictions
Speaker 1: in their contract, where me had a hard time keeping
Speaker 1: on weight, and if I got under a certain amount
Speaker 1: of weight, it was a fine for every single pound,
Speaker 1: every single pound, it was over three thousand dollars. And
Speaker 1: so a lot of times had that. Yeah, yeah, I
Speaker 1: had to stay in a range, like an eight pound
Speaker 1: range or you'd have to pay. Oh yeah, yeah it's fine.
Speaker 1: That's true. Yeah, that is true. Yeah, that's true. So
Speaker 1: I mean there's a lot of guys that's actually the
Speaker 1: lineman and stuff like that. That's your candy crush life
Speaker 1: right there. Good thing I didn't get fine, I say,
Speaker 1: within my range, so I can use that money on
Speaker 1: candy crush. More justifications. Okay, Um, but no, that just
Speaker 1: that just goes to show like no matter what profession,
Speaker 1: no matter who you are, but the important thing is
Speaker 1: as long as you're happy with yourself. But unfortunately, even
Speaker 1: in professional athletics, you're treated like a piece of meat
Speaker 1: and just a number. So you know, they don't really
Speaker 1: give about you. Okay, So I have a lot to
Speaker 1: say about this. I'm sure you do too. UM. So
Speaker 1: that's why I dislike Instagram so much and um social
Speaker 1: media for for that particular reason. I think when when
Speaker 1: people come to see me and they are so unhappy
Speaker 1: with how they look and they feel like they have
Speaker 1: to look a certain way to be accepted and all
Speaker 1: of those kinds of things, I'm like, what are you
Speaker 1: comparing yourself to? And a lot of them will say
Speaker 1: I follow this person, this person this for so, and
Speaker 1: I always feel inadequate. I always feel bad about myself.
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm not My plates don't look as pretty,
Speaker 1: I'm not eating all of these incredible colors. And that's
Speaker 1: why I'm not. I mean, I post pictures of my
Speaker 1: kids sometimes, but I'm not. I just it really bothers me,
Speaker 1: the whole Instagram thinks sometimes. I just I feel like it.
Speaker 1: It really does make you feel bad about yourself sometimes.
Speaker 1: So I would say, first, take a step back and
Speaker 1: analyze yourself. Are you happy with how you're living your life?
Speaker 1: Do you feel like you are comfortable? Then you kind
Speaker 1: of have to go And I know it's hard to do,
Speaker 1: and you have to build up a little bit of
Speaker 1: a wall and thick skin and be like whatever my
Speaker 1: grandma says, whatever my mom says, whatever people think. Who
Speaker 1: gives a crap, Like, I need to be happy with
Speaker 1: myself at the end of the day, that's who you're
Speaker 1: living with. So if you're comfortable with you, be you
Speaker 1: and what they say, you literally just have to, like somehow,
Speaker 1: some way just to have it roll off of you
Speaker 1: and not take it in and not take it like that.
Speaker 1: So that would be my first thing. And then if
Speaker 1: anything is making you feel insecure, you have to be
Speaker 1: able to take that away, take that off of you, know,
Speaker 1: of your life, because it's not good to wake up
Speaker 1: in the every morning and scroll through your Instagram be like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, she's posted a bikini picture. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: her plates look like this, and I just had whatever
Speaker 1: for dinner last night. Then you feel like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: I'm not having these beautiful plates. If it's just comparing
Speaker 1: their lives to everything, I mean, do you compare your
Speaker 1: body to Artem and everyone else? Is like when you
Speaker 1: take like their shirts off, you like Artem has like
Speaker 1: twelve abs and I've got like sex absolutely, but that's photoshop.
Speaker 1: I completely agree because I feel like, right now social
Speaker 1: media is just used to compare, and that's what everyone's
Speaker 1: using it for, as opposed to what I think it
Speaker 1: was originally meant to be, was to be able to
Speaker 1: reach out to people and create new connections or rekindle
Speaker 1: old connections. Is becoming a comparative tool, which is horrible. Okay,
Speaker 1: when's it going to stop? Because I feel like everybody
Speaker 1: knows that, Like everyone's is that when we talk about it.
Speaker 1: But when is it going to stop? What's gonna stop?
Speaker 1: What you mean? They're comparing in the social We always,
Speaker 1: especially women, were always going to compare. That's that's the
Speaker 1: problem with us women, Like I feel like you guys
Speaker 1: don't compare? Do you guys compare? Like women are all
Speaker 1: I feel like that that we're always going to compare.
Speaker 1: And I don't know if you can speak on that, doctor,
Speaker 1: because it's like as much as I try not to,
Speaker 1: I've had to unfollow people on Instagram because I was
Speaker 1: comparing so much that it was destroying my day. And
Speaker 1: I'm like, why am I letting this like put so
Speaker 1: much power on me? What do you want him to say? Like,
Speaker 1: what would you want like to hear? Like do you
Speaker 1: want to hear like you just you look beautiful, Like
Speaker 1: what is it like? I have a little bit of
Speaker 1: a controlling family. Based off of your Guys podcast last week,
Speaker 1: actually you guys are talking about what you guys will
Speaker 1: do when your kids are older and how like yore
Speaker 1: kind of baby jays more your baby don't a more
Speaker 1: my grandparents. I found my father when I was twenty
Speaker 1: years old, and my grandparents went behind my back and
Speaker 1: told him he had a daughter before I was ready.
Speaker 1: I didn't want him to know I had found him.
Speaker 1: I wasn't ready. And so they're very involved and it's
Speaker 1: the constant criticism, and I think that was actually my
Speaker 1: trigger was that moment when I was twenty and so
Speaker 1: then now they've kind of been like, hey, we're going
Speaker 1: to keep like judging you and critiquing you, and so
Speaker 1: I just kind of want to be left alone. But
Speaker 1: I want a good relationship. Yeah that's not okay. I
Speaker 1: mean if you can have that conversation with them, I mean,
Speaker 1: because you don't want to avoid your grandparents who you know,
Speaker 1: so that might just have to be a conversation of like, look,
Speaker 1: I love you and I want to be around you
Speaker 1: and spend time with you. It's just like you said,
Speaker 1: it's just not okay to make those comments. So I
Speaker 1: appreciate just not saying anything at all and just being
Speaker 1: able to say that. I think is important and it
Speaker 1: empowers you to to be like, look like that's not
Speaker 1: okay and acknowledge the fact that that's their issues, not yours.
Speaker 1: And we teach people how to treat us, and they've
Speaker 1: been treating you a certain way for your whole life,
Speaker 1: and that's the way they're used to operating in the world.
Speaker 1: They don't know any better. It may not even be malicious,
Speaker 1: it's just what they're used to do. And you have
Speaker 1: to teach them how to treat you and to say,
Speaker 1: if you talk to me that way, I'm gonna leave
Speaker 1: dinner and go home. And there have to be a
Speaker 1: consequence so that they know you really mean this. Yeah,
Speaker 1: thank you for your question. But you are beautiful though,
Speaker 1: so just know that, um Alan, you're on tour right now, Yes,
Speaker 1: you were on where the tour just ended, Well, it
Speaker 1: was just a dancing with the Stars tour. Now me
Speaker 1: Goo and Artem created our own little what's that called dancing?
Speaker 1: Dave dancing, and how can people so they can actually
Speaker 1: dance with you. Okay, Sarah, get up here right now.
Speaker 1: Come on, Sarah, get up here right now, because I
Speaker 1: want to see so like to explain to me what
Speaker 1: day of dancing is and they can actually dance because
Speaker 1: I want to see what you'll do. I need to see.
Speaker 1: Come on, all so take take the mic, take the
Speaker 1: micro here. Don't know what the so so describe like
Speaker 1: what you do on the tour with Artam and Glenn. Well, first,
Speaker 1: we have a cool little experience where do a meeting greed,
Speaker 1: We do a Q and A and we have three words.
Speaker 1: They get to feel the abs, Sarah, you can feel
Speaker 1: the abs. No. Um, but it's it's it's a really
Speaker 1: cool experience where we get to hang out with the fans.
Speaker 1: And you know, a lot of the people on tour
Speaker 1: they're like, oh, we wish we could do like a
Speaker 1: dancing with the fans or something because everyone thinks their celebrity.
Speaker 1: But but this is a cool way to actually dance
Speaker 1: with everyone. And yes, she has now we can dance together.
Speaker 1: Zero You got okay? But so so when do people
Speaker 1: come are they are they beginners? Are they where can
Speaker 1: they can sign up? Damn dancing dot com. Yeah, but
Speaker 1: watch this we're gonna do a little salsa right now.
Speaker 1: You're gonna go left foot forward. Wait, I had to
Speaker 1: get my Instagram read because it's all about Instagram. Do
Speaker 1: it together. You can go right, you're gonna go foot back,
Speaker 1: You're gonna go I'll show you one, two, three, and
Speaker 1: then you're gonna go left foot forward one to three
Speaker 1: one to look at there we go. I have never
Speaker 1: met Sarah before. Can you get a little closer? How
Speaker 1: can you see a little problems? Can I see a
Speaker 1: little something? I mean a little bit more? Yeah, once more?
Speaker 1: What we'll do? Want like dancing with the stars, like
Speaker 1: shower action. Let's see it. Come on, can't they're dancing,
Speaker 1: they're dancing, They're they're touching, their hands, are touch shaking
Speaker 1: your dance right now? So just like you can be
Speaker 1: just like Sarah. Trust me. If Sarah can do it,
Speaker 1: anyone can do it. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm great. Oh,
Speaker 1: I'm great. It's easy. Anyone can do it. Let's let's
Speaker 1: get down to why we really all came here. You
Speaker 1: really play some music? Little? Did you guys know the
Speaker 1: last year I's guitar player. No, I'm just kidding. Jeff
Speaker 1: following um wait for time out though really fast? Can
Speaker 1: you guys please give a round of a pause to
Speaker 1: Christie Dr jen Man Alan by Amy producer, We got tour,
Speaker 1: beall here with the Mike Drive market for hosting such
Speaker 1: an incredible event tonight bananas all you guys coming out
Speaker 1: and thank you guys so much. This is the first time.
Speaker 1: This is kind of like our draw round before the
Speaker 1: podcast tour, and you guys have made it amazing, have
Speaker 1: validated us that fact that you guys are all here,
Speaker 1: So thank you for that. Nor is she's um no, seriously,
Speaker 1: thank you and I love you Bed not pushed anyway. Right,
Speaker 1: all right, this is my new single, Beautiful Eyes, surrounded
Speaker 1: by pieces of vows that were broke. Yeah, leaving miss speechless.
Speaker 1: It's black God don't know you everything we built his
Speaker 1: falling down. Tell me I'm making this up the same flooring.
Speaker 1: Take me back to now I could feel I got
Speaker 1: was in love when love was just blind. I'm not
Speaker 1: ready for true to see the line. Make it up,
Speaker 1: making pretty out of mind? Tell me beautiful life. How
Speaker 1: did this happen? I thought we were per I never
Speaker 1: I imagine him feel it so world. I know why
Speaker 1: I need to face it, but I can't right now.
Speaker 1: Tell me I'm making this up, that this ain't for me.
Speaker 1: Take me back to the night I could feel like
Speaker 1: I was enough when love was just blind. I'm not
Speaker 1: ready for the truth to see it lie, make it up,
Speaker 1: make it pretty out of my Tell me beautiful, Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: go on and tell me those beautiful Tell me I'm
Speaker 1: making this up. That's the sapori. Take me back to
Speaker 1: the night I could feel I was enough when love
Speaker 1: was just blind. I'm not ready for the truth to
Speaker 1: see the lie. Make it up, make it pretty out
Speaker 1: of mind, dream it up, make it read one more time.
Speaker 1: Tell me beautiful, Oh yeah, Please tell me those beautiful eyes.
Speaker 1: Please tell me those beautiful h