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Speaker 1: Welcome one and all to the Professional Homegirl Podcast. Before

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Speaker 1: we begin today's episode, we want to remind you that

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Speaker 1: the views and opinions expressed on this podcast are those

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Speaker 1: of the host and guests and are intended for educational

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Speaker 1: and entertaining purposes. In this safe space, no question is

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Speaker 1: off limits because you never know how someone's storyline can

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Speaker 1: be your lifeline. The Professional Homegirl Podcast is here to

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Speaker 1: celebrate the diverse voices, stories and experiences of women of color,

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Speaker 1: providing a platform for authentic and empowering conversations. There will

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Speaker 1: be some key king, some tears, but most importantly, a

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Speaker 1: reminder that tough times don't last, but professional homegirls do

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Speaker 1: enjoy the show.

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Speaker 2: Hey, professional Homegirls, Isha Girl, Ebina here and I hope

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Speaker 2: all is cute. Now we are back with one of

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Speaker 2: my all time favorite episodes from twenty twenty one. This

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Speaker 2: free Maaster episode holds a very special place in my

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Speaker 2: heart as my guest shares her story of losing her

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Speaker 2: father to suicide. Now, this episode is more than a story,

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Speaker 2: It's a journey through brief love and healing. What I

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Speaker 2: love most about this conversation is my guest doesn't shy

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Speaker 2: away from the hard truths, and she's showing how suicide

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Speaker 2: not only affects the individual, but ripples through the lives

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Speaker 2: of everyone who loves them. It's a conversation about pain

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Speaker 2: but also finding the strength in the darkest of times.

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Speaker 2: So if you ever experienced laws, I want to understand

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Speaker 2: the power of compassion and connection. This episode is definitely

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Speaker 2: for you. So grab some tissues and get ready. Because

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Speaker 2: my father took his own life. Stars. Now, So to

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Speaker 2: my guests, how are you doing? How are you feeling?

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Speaker 3: Hi, I'm doing good. Of Anna, I'm feeling good. I'm

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Speaker 3: excited to talk about this. I don't really talk about

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Speaker 3: my dad very much, so I'm actually excited to share

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Speaker 3: some things about him.

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Speaker 1: Nice.

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Speaker 2: Nice, we get to tell your story. Did you know

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Speaker 2: what suicide was before it affected your family?

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Speaker 3: Yes, I knew what it was.

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Speaker 2: What were your thoughts on it before?

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Speaker 3: I just always had in my mind what someone that

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Speaker 3: you know, committed suicide looked like, because in high school,

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Speaker 3: they would always play the videos of like the very

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Speaker 3: you know teen like the teenagers that didn't have a

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Speaker 3: lot of friends and they were bullied in school. They

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Speaker 3: kind of painted this picture of suicide being kind of

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Speaker 3: like a teenage, and honestly, I'm mostly kind of like

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Speaker 3: a white teenage issue. So yes, I was aware what

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Speaker 3: suicide was, but I was not aware of how much

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Speaker 3: it impacted so many other communities and different generations and

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Speaker 3: all of that. So that's a fact. Yeah, what are.

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Speaker 2: Your thoughts on it now since it hits close to home.

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Speaker 3: My thoughts on it now is just it makes sense

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Speaker 3: why it's you know, why it affects our community, black

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Speaker 3: community so much, because mental health is just not it's

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Speaker 3: a very stigmatized thing across many different races, but especially

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Speaker 3: amongst people of color and especially amongst black communities. So

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Speaker 3: now when I think of it, I'm I'm glad that

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Speaker 3: the conversation is now starting to happen and it's okay

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Speaker 3: to not be okay, and it's okay to voice that

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Speaker 3: you're not okay. So what I think about suicide now,

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Speaker 3: it's like, at first, I was a bit of ashamed

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Speaker 3: when you know, when it happened and my dad took

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Speaker 3: his life, I was ashamed, you know, I was just

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Speaker 3: like wow that, you know, I always had in my

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Speaker 3: mind that suicide was you know, like a young teenage problem,

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Speaker 3: and here's my dad almost fifty and he took his

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Speaker 3: own life. So I had to break down that, you know,

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Speaker 3: idea that suicide is embarrassing, you know, because it's not

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Speaker 3: mental health is something that I think many of us

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Speaker 3: struggle with. So now at you know, my age, my

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Speaker 3: l I look at suicide as a thing that is

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Speaker 3: that could affect everyone you know, and if it's not

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Speaker 3: immediately affecting you, it's someone that you know, or it's

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Speaker 3: someone that you work with that they know. So yeah,

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Speaker 3: it's it's uh, that's how I see it now.

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Speaker 2: You made a good point because I feel like when

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Speaker 2: I was growing up, I didn't hear a lot of

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Speaker 2: conversations on how to deal with suicide thoughts or just

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Speaker 2: suicide overall. So do you think this topic, well you

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Speaker 2: just answered you did to the topic is still taboo,

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Speaker 2: But how do you think we can have more conversations

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Speaker 2: about it?

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Speaker 3: I mean, what you're doing right now is one of them.

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Speaker 3: Right talking about it on a podcast. Podcast is so

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Speaker 3: big now, so you know, speaking on podcast. Social media

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Speaker 3: is massive, and you know that was one of the

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Speaker 3: things where it kind of allowed me to open up,

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Speaker 3: was going through the hashtags and reading other people's stories

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Speaker 3: and YouTube is another great one. You can actually watch

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Speaker 3: someone see their raw emotions, which is where you reached

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Speaker 3: out to me. You know, you saw my video, so

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Speaker 3: you know things like that, and then you know even

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Speaker 3: different things were in your city aside from social media.

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Speaker 3: In your city, there are a lot of chapters, Like

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Speaker 3: in DC where I live, we have chapters which actually,

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Speaker 3: next week I believe, no, it's on an October. I'm sorry,

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Speaker 3: they're doing a suicide walk or a suicide prevention walk. Sorry,

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Speaker 3: And next week they're doing a picnic, a suicide prevention picnic.

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Speaker 3: So you should also just google in your city, in

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Speaker 3: your state, what are some other things or activities that

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Speaker 3: are surrounding suicide, in the prevention of it and honestly

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Speaker 3: just the education of it.

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Speaker 2: Right. And I know in your video you mentioned that

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Speaker 2: you treat people differently now because of your father's passing.

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Speaker 2: Mm hmm.

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Speaker 3: I would have to rewatch that video. I try not

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Speaker 3: to revisit that video because I've seen it a couple

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Speaker 3: of times and it does get me a bit emotional.

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Speaker 3: I would say, when I think I've come back around

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Speaker 3: to get more of my pre dad's death personality, I'm

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Speaker 3: not fully back to the same, but yeah, I'll kind

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Speaker 3: of say. At first, I was, you know, very open,

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Speaker 3: just friendly. You know, I had no problems, no worries.

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Speaker 3: I was with my mom, my dad, and my older brother,

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Speaker 3: so I was well taken care of as a kid.

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Speaker 3: Then my dad passed away and it was almost I

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Speaker 3: did a complete one eighty where I became very shut down.

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Speaker 3: And this was even within my family, you know, my

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Speaker 3: mom and my brother that were still there. I didn't

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Speaker 3: really speak much. I would go into my room and

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Speaker 3: just do my own thing and try to work through

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Speaker 3: my problems. So then when I went to school and

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Speaker 3: interacted with people, was almost like I didn't know how

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Speaker 3: I was. I would say I was kind of I

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Speaker 3: wouldn say kind of. Let's I was mean in the

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Speaker 3: sense of I didn't know how to handle my emotions

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Speaker 3: and also still be a good person.

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Speaker 2: I mean, you were so young. Yeah, later, but you

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Speaker 2: were a kid, right.

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Speaker 3: I was in high school. I was a freshman, so yeah,

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Speaker 3: I was. I was a child. I was a baby,

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Speaker 3: you know, and I'm dealing with depression, I'm dealing with anxiety,

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Speaker 3: I'm dealing with all these emotions that I've never had

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Speaker 3: to deal with. And then I'm also dealing with feeling

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Speaker 3: like my friends that were there before my dad died

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Speaker 3: weren't really there after he died, and so there was

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Speaker 3: also a feeling of anger and resentment towards them for

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Speaker 3: kind of abandoning me. So I did have a shift

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Speaker 3: in my perception of friendship as well, you know, because

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Speaker 3: at first, you have this idea when you're young, like, oh,

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Speaker 3: we're going to be BFFs for life and literally.

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Speaker 2: Getting out as soon as you grow up.

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Speaker 3: What happened, right that is when your life is like,

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Speaker 3: oh wait, no, there's really no you know, like this

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Speaker 3: is just something you're saying, but when you're going through

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Speaker 3: something for real and you're like, I thought you were

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Speaker 3: going to be there, And so yeah, I shut down

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Speaker 3: with them because I saw early that hey, this this

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Speaker 3: friendship thing is kind of it's not what I envisioned

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Speaker 3: friendship was. You know, I kind of had a real

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Speaker 3: look into finding good friends and you know, friends that

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Speaker 3: are going to be there to thicken thin but you know,

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Speaker 3: right and be president Eben. But you know, as I'm

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Speaker 3: you know, older, now I realized they were also fourteen

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Speaker 3: and fifteen they didn't know how to So yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 3: that was my fourteen year old mind being like, why

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Speaker 3: are you not here? Right? But my now, you know,

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Speaker 3: late twenties, mine is like, yeah, they also had no

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Speaker 3: idea how to handle someone dealing with what I was

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Speaker 3: going through. So I've moved past that anger, and that's

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Speaker 3: why I think I've come back around to my you know,

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Speaker 3: first personality or like my natural self, my natural soul

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Speaker 3: connection of being you know, open and friendly and honest.

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Speaker 2: Hey, you and your dad we're pretty close. Well I'm

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Speaker 2: pretty sure your family was tight knit.

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Speaker 3: Yes, very very close.

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Speaker 2: So how long has it been since he passed away?

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Speaker 3: Spend quite some time. He passed away in two thousand

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Speaker 3: and five, so this November he passed away November twentieth,

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Speaker 3: so that would be what's seventeen mm, sixteen years? Yeah,

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Speaker 3: sixteen years. Yeah, it'll be sixteen years this year. So

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Speaker 3: it's been quite a while. And my friend had mentioned

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Speaker 3: this my last what is it two birthdays? She was like,

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Speaker 3: isn't it crazy that you know this birthday is that

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Speaker 3: you've now have been alive longer than you've known your dad.

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Speaker 3: And I was just like, why would you why would

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Speaker 3: you say that? But I mean she also lost her dad,

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Speaker 3: so we have that Soule connection. It's a crazy story,

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Speaker 3: but we don't need to get into that. But anyways,

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Speaker 3: we both mourned our dad's death at the same time.

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Speaker 2: So like, let she say that.

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Speaker 3: I was like, yeah, thank you, right, but yeah, it's

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Speaker 3: something you don't really think about. But when she said

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Speaker 3: I was just like, wow, No, you're right. He's he

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Speaker 3: passed away right before my fourteenth birthday. I'm now at

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Speaker 3: twenty six. Yeah, se, you're right, twenty How how was

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Speaker 3: he He was forty nine?

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Speaker 2: Wow, So looking back, did you notice, honest that something

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Speaker 2: was wrong?

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Speaker 3: Oh? Of course my dad suffered from depression for years,

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Speaker 3: even before I was born. My dad suffered from depression,

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Speaker 3: and then he had gotten better. Right, So when I

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Speaker 3: was younger, we were fine as long as you know,

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Speaker 3: for for what I remember clearly I'm a child, but

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Speaker 3: my dad was working full time. My mom wasn't working,

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Speaker 3: so you know, financially stable. Then my dad got sick.

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Speaker 3: He had he had clinical depression, so it was you know,

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Speaker 3: and imbalance in his brain. It ran and the it

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Speaker 3: runs in the family, so he wasn't able to work.

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Speaker 3: He stopped working for years, and so my mom had

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Speaker 3: to now work hubs and my dad was home for

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Speaker 3: majority of the days. So the last few years of

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Speaker 3: my dad's life, I saw him just withdraw himself completely,

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Speaker 3: Like he would stay in the room for the entire day,

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Speaker 3: and you know, I would come home from school and

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Speaker 3: he would be in the room. I would like, go

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Speaker 3: play outside, come in, and he'd be in the room.

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Speaker 3: So I was I saw it, you know, like I

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Speaker 3: saw how much the like how much the depression had

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Speaker 3: gotten a hold on him towards the end of his

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Speaker 3: you know, time on this earth.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. And do you know if he ever tried to

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Speaker 2: commit suicide before?

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Speaker 3: Yes, he did. I found that out after he passed away. Actually,

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Speaker 3: I think I had a conversation. I think it was

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Speaker 3: with my mom, and it wasn't something that I knew prior,

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Speaker 3: and I think she just waited until she felt like

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Speaker 3: I was mature enough to hear. But yes, it happened

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Speaker 3: before I was born. I don't know if it happened again.

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Speaker 3: It may have happened twice. I know for certain of one.

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Speaker 3: And he had tried committed committing suicide before, but it

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Speaker 3: wasn't his time to go. God said it wasn't his

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Speaker 3: time because as he was trying you know, in the act,

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Speaker 3: he was in a car and it just so happened

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Speaker 3: two officers saw the car, pulled him out, took him

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Speaker 3: to the hospital, and he was saved. And the crazy

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Speaker 3: think about the area that he parked in was an

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Speaker 3: extremely secluded area and so the fact that you know,

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Speaker 3: they were just two off duty officers that were just

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Speaker 3: kind of driving around and was able to see this

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Speaker 3: one car and got him out in time. So yeah,

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Speaker 3: that time wasn't his time to go.

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Speaker 2: But you know, I have a question for you, because

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Speaker 2: I feel that when people talk about suicide, you don't

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Speaker 2: look at it from that aspect of like, you know,

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Speaker 2: a person need an assistance with things or they're just

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Speaker 2: really going through it, because sometimes life is just that

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Speaker 2: fucking hard. Yeah, So what are your thoughts when people

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Speaker 2: say that when people take their lives the way that

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Speaker 2: they're selfish or they're not considerate, Like, how do you

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Speaker 2: feel about that?

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Speaker 3: I understand because I felt that way at certain points

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Speaker 3: throughout my grieving process, and I'm still going through the

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Speaker 3: grieving process, right because you never fully I think you

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Speaker 3: were good, yeah, right, And so I understand at you know,

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Speaker 3: at first, I was angry at my dad for that reason,

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Speaker 3: like why why did you make this decision? You know,

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Speaker 3: like you had a choice, right, suicide is a choice.

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Speaker 3: But then you know, now that I'm older and I

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Speaker 3: understand mental health, and I understand the imbalance in your brain,

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Speaker 3: I understand, you know, and also just kind of going

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Speaker 3: through my own journey with my own mental health and

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Speaker 3: my own you know, struggles I go through, I can

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Speaker 3: understand how someone can get to that point, right, yeah, right, exactly.

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Speaker 3: So I just try to give people as much understanding.

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Speaker 3: I mean, this is not a thing to say, like, oh, yeah,

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Speaker 3: suicide's answer, because it's still never the answer, right, But

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Speaker 3: I've learned to give my dad grace and understand that many,

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Speaker 3: I would say probably even ninety nine point nine percent

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Speaker 3: of the people that commit suicide, that's not the decision

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Speaker 3: that they would have liked if they were in the

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Speaker 3: right state of mind, you know, Like for the fact

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Speaker 3: that someone took their own life, something really internally must

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Speaker 3: have been going wrong, and if you know, they were

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Speaker 3: there properly, that wouldn't have been the decision that they

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Speaker 3: would have made. So I mean, I don't really try

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Speaker 3: to think about it as much anymore, you know, And

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Speaker 3: it is what it is at this point. I mean,

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Speaker 3: I can understand why people take it as selfish because

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Speaker 3: you do leave behind a bunch of people that miss you.

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Speaker 3: You leave. Now everyone's morning. You know, now everyone has

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Speaker 3: to go to your funeral and know that this could

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Speaker 3: have been avoided. So I get it. But right, you know,

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Speaker 3: life is tough.

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Speaker 2: Now leading up to the days of his past and

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Speaker 2: looking back, because I'm pretty sure as a kid it's

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Speaker 2: some things you just wasn't aware of. So looking back

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Speaker 2: at their younger Steff, because you see that something was

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Speaker 2: going to happen, or like, did you see a shift

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Speaker 2: of him even worse than the state that he was in?

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Speaker 3: Uh? Yeah, actually, and it wasn't. I wouldn't even say

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Speaker 3: it was the like the week's leading up. It was

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Speaker 3: maybe a couple months before. It was a few months before.

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Speaker 3: And this is something that I've also I've learned now

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Speaker 3: is that when someone that's depressed, you should be really

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Speaker 3: worried when they start being better, like when they start

286
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Speaker 3: maybe going back to work or working out, Right, that's

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Speaker 3: a time, yeah, it's that's a time when you should

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Speaker 3: really make sure that they're okay because they're at this

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Speaker 3: level like okay, I feel good, and if something goes wrong,

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Speaker 3: that could be getting you know, like that could be

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Speaker 3: the snap, that could be the up. Nope, I've tried.

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Speaker 3: It's done right, because when they're kind of like at

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Speaker 3: that low thing, they're kind of just like cruising, you know,

294
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Speaker 3: you know, kind of just at a lull. But then

295
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Speaker 3: if they go off that high and something happens, you

296
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Speaker 3: could take them right back down to an even lower place.

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Speaker 3: So my dad was, like I said, wasn't working for

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Speaker 3: a few years, and then he started feeling better, right,

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Speaker 3: I got a job like a switch. Yeah, it was

300
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Speaker 3: kind of like he just started feeling better. He started

301
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Speaker 3: like going for walks again at the park, and then

302
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Speaker 3: he started he got a job again, and you know,

303
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Speaker 3: it was like, oh, yes, my dad's feeling better. Right.

304
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Speaker 3: But then one day and he worked at at the time,

305
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Speaker 3: he worked at a hotel, I want to say, it

306
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Speaker 3: was like Westgate or something, and they had my mom

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Speaker 3: and my dad shared a car, and so he got

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Speaker 3: off late that night. It was like nighttime. So my

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Speaker 3: mom and I went to go get pick up my

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Speaker 3: dad and we were waiting in the parking lot and

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Speaker 3: we're calling him. We're calling him. He's not answering, and

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Speaker 3: I immediately start crying in the car. I felt I

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Speaker 3: was like, oh my dad died, you know, like and

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Speaker 3: that's not even a normal emotion to feel as a

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Speaker 3: thirteen year old, like, Oh, your dad's not answering. He's

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Speaker 3: probably busy at work, you know, Like, why would you

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Speaker 3: immediately think your dad died. There has been no sign.

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Speaker 3: I felt it. And this was months before. This was

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Speaker 3: like I want to say, at least three months prior

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Speaker 3: to him actually, you know, committing suicide. And I remember

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Speaker 3: Mom's okay, he's probably just I was, and I felt

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Speaker 3: I was like something, it's wrong, you know, and I

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Speaker 3: just started crying. And we ended up driving back home,

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Speaker 3: and then eventually he called us back, maybe like any

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Speaker 3: minutes later. It's like, oh, you know, I was downstairs.

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Speaker 3: I'm sorry, you know, I didn't I didn't realize it

327
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Speaker 3: was late. I was doing something. I forgot what he said.

328
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Speaker 3: So we drove back, picked him up, and when he

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Speaker 3: came out to greet me and my mom, I remember

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Speaker 3: opening the door and I just hugged him. I was like, Dad,

331
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Speaker 3: is thought you were dead? And I like I And

332
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Speaker 3: it's so crazy to think that I felt that you know,

333
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Speaker 3: like I could feel that that something. I don't know

334
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Speaker 3: if I knew something was gonna happen, but I don't

335
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Speaker 3: know how to explain it.

336
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Speaker 2: But no, no, no, nothing, because I had that same

337
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Speaker 2: feeling when my grandmother passed away. Yeah, and I didn't

338
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Speaker 2: know what it was, but my body was in so

339
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Speaker 2: much pain. And I when you get a chance, I'm

340
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Speaker 2: gonna send you a link to this episode I did

341
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Speaker 2: with just what my psychic and she speaks more about

342
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Speaker 2: experience those type of feelings when somebody is transitioning. It's

343
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Speaker 2: the craziest thing. I know exactly what you like, I

344
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Speaker 2: thought that I was about to like pass out because.

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Speaker 3: I never felt pain like this before.

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Speaker 2: I couldn't even walk.

347
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Speaker 3: But you you you said your aunt, your grandma, sorry,

348
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Speaker 3: my grandmother. She literally passed away that same day. I

349
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Speaker 3: was feeling that, Wow, did you get to call her?

350
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Speaker 3: Did you know who it was like for? Or like

351
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Speaker 3: you just felt pain and you didn't know you couldn't

352
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Speaker 3: explain it?

353
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Speaker 2: Well, make a long story short. I had a dream

354
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Speaker 2: that a woman passed away and I automatically knew that

355
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Speaker 2: was my grandmother, but I just didn't know when because

356
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Speaker 2: the dream was like when I was sleeping late at night.

357
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Speaker 2: So one day I was at work. It was a

358
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Speaker 2: beautiful day, having funky key on my coworker, and when

359
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Speaker 2: I tell you, my body got so stiff, like I

360
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Speaker 2: could not move, and I thought, I didn't know what

361
00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:34,760
Speaker 2: I was thinking, like I just thought the worst, but

362
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Speaker 2: I didn't know it was her. And then I asked

363
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Speaker 2: my boss time I go home because I really wasn't

364
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Speaker 2: feeling good, like I couldn't even turn my neck. And

365
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Speaker 2: as soon as I got home, that's when I got

366
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Speaker 2: the news that she passed away. So I told my

367
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Speaker 2: Psycha about it on the interview on her and she

368
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Speaker 2: speaks more about how your body can feel a connected

369
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Speaker 2: soul of spirit when transition.

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Speaker 3: That means you, guys, were very close. You and your

371
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Speaker 3: grandma must have been very close. The fact that you

372
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Speaker 3: could feel that, that's such a strong feeling that your

373
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Speaker 3: soul are. Yeah, and I feel like people, I mean,

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Speaker 3: you mentioned your psychics, so I'm assuming that you're somewhat

375
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Speaker 3: connected here, okay, And I feel people that are extremely

376
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Speaker 3: spiritual because I'm I am Christian, but I think I've

377
00:19:19,640 --> 00:19:23,160
Speaker 3: most kind of been focusing on the spiritual aspect more

378
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Speaker 3: so I think people like us that are, you know,

379
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Speaker 3: aware of how we're all connected and how we can

380
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Speaker 3: literally talk to our ancestors. I don't know if this

381
00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:37,400
Speaker 3: is what you believe. I'm just mentioning what I know. Yeah, yeah,

382
00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:41,080
Speaker 3: part of the journey man, part of the journey. They've

383
00:19:41,119 --> 00:19:45,439
Speaker 3: been finding that out. So because I think people like

384
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Speaker 3: us that are so aware and knowledgeable of our spiritual connection,

385
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Speaker 3: that's probably why it affects us more than maybe some

386
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Speaker 3: other people that don't tune into that part of their being.

387
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Speaker 3: M Yeah.

388
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Speaker 2: So when you so, when you saw him, you tell

389
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Speaker 2: him that all you thought he passed away when he say.

390
00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:09,199
Speaker 3: He said no, and then he just kept apologizing that

391
00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:12,120
Speaker 3: he was downstairs working and he didn't realize it was late,

392
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Speaker 3: and he just apologized that he scared me and he

393
00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:16,720
Speaker 3: just the whole time I was just crying and he

394
00:20:16,760 --> 00:20:18,840
Speaker 3: just hugged me, and it just kept, you know, reiterating

395
00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:20,960
Speaker 3: that you know, he's sorry and it was just work.

396
00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:25,359
Speaker 3: But no, yeah, it just didn't. It didn't feel like

397
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Speaker 3: just work, you know it right, Something was like, no,

398
00:20:28,920 --> 00:20:30,680
Speaker 3: why are you not coming out? And you were coming

399
00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:32,640
Speaker 3: you know, So, how did.

400
00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:34,320
Speaker 2: You find out on the day when he passed away.

401
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:37,840
Speaker 3: Okay, so the day he passed away, it was kind

402
00:20:37,840 --> 00:20:43,439
Speaker 3: of just a big blur. So Thanksgiving, my birthday, and

403
00:20:43,560 --> 00:20:46,359
Speaker 3: my cousin's birthday all fall in within two weeks, two

404
00:20:46,359 --> 00:20:48,760
Speaker 3: and a half weeks of each other. And that was

405
00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:50,639
Speaker 3: also in the time that my dad passed. So I

406
00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:54,160
Speaker 3: was at my cousin's house for her celebrating her birthday,

407
00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:57,159
Speaker 3: and my mom and my brother came to pick me

408
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Speaker 3: up that Sunday. So as soon as they opened the

409
00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:02,480
Speaker 3: door or I could tell there was something wrong, and

410
00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:04,399
Speaker 3: I was just like, okay, where's Daddy're like, why are

411
00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:07,480
Speaker 3: you two here? And then my mom was like, okay,

412
00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:11,520
Speaker 3: you know I didn't come home. And that went again

413
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Speaker 3: back to immediately tearing up, and I went into my

414
00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:17,840
Speaker 3: grandma's bathroom and I sat on the toilet and I

415
00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:19,679
Speaker 3: cried and I said He's I felt it. I was

416
00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:22,000
Speaker 3: like he's this is it. This is like I remember

417
00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:25,359
Speaker 3: telling myself. I was like, oh no, he's gone. And

418
00:21:26,119 --> 00:21:29,239
Speaker 3: we left. We drove around places that we know that

419
00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:31,520
Speaker 3: he likes to, you know, go, which is like the parks,

420
00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:36,280
Speaker 3: the library. We're walking around and we ended up trying

421
00:21:36,280 --> 00:21:37,800
Speaker 3: to find him for maybe about an hour and a

422
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Speaker 3: half and then we just like, Okay, let's go home.

423
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Speaker 3: Let's see if we can, you know, let's kind of

424
00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:45,320
Speaker 3: reassess and figure out what's the next step. So we're

425
00:21:45,400 --> 00:21:47,879
Speaker 3: driving on the way home. We passed one of our

426
00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:51,320
Speaker 3: local gas stations and we see our car in the

427
00:21:51,800 --> 00:21:54,480
Speaker 3: parking lot. So we get out and we walked to

428
00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:56,399
Speaker 3: the car, and I remember the walk up to the

429
00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:58,399
Speaker 3: car was just like I could feel something in my

430
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Speaker 3: stomach because I was just like, I'm going to my

431
00:22:00,240 --> 00:22:04,080
Speaker 3: dad's dead body in this car, right. And we go

432
00:22:04,160 --> 00:22:07,240
Speaker 3: to the car. We open the car, No, no one's

433
00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:10,680
Speaker 3: in there. We go to the trunk, and again there's

434
00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:12,159
Speaker 3: a pit in my stommy because I'm like, I'm going

435
00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:13,520
Speaker 3: to open the trunk and see my dad and then

436
00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:16,080
Speaker 3: open the trunk and there's nothing there, thank God. So

437
00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:16,760
Speaker 3: we walk in.

438
00:22:17,040 --> 00:22:19,720
Speaker 2: My mom, you are paying you're painting this picture because

439
00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:24,240
Speaker 2: I'm seeing the two Yeah it wasn't a kid like,

440
00:22:24,359 --> 00:22:26,760
Speaker 2: oh my god, but go ahead, sorry to put you

441
00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:27,200
Speaker 2: on no.

442
00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:33,240
Speaker 3: No, no, please, this great conversation. So my brother and

443
00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:36,120
Speaker 3: I stand back and my mom goes into the gas

444
00:22:36,119 --> 00:22:38,719
Speaker 3: station to speak to the person describing him he's five

445
00:22:38,880 --> 00:22:42,879
Speaker 3: ten you know, pale skin, curly hair, glasses. You know,

446
00:22:43,440 --> 00:22:45,679
Speaker 3: have you seen him? The guy says, no, you know,

447
00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:47,920
Speaker 3: I've been here all night. No one has come into

448
00:22:47,920 --> 00:22:51,639
Speaker 3: here that fits that description. So my brother and I

449
00:22:51,680 --> 00:22:54,280
Speaker 3: there's this wooded area in the back of the gas station,

450
00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:56,800
Speaker 3: just a bunch of wood, bunch of trees. We start

451
00:22:56,840 --> 00:22:59,919
Speaker 3: walking and we're like calling his name, David, David, Daddy.

452
00:23:00,040 --> 00:23:01,879
Speaker 3: We're calling his name for maybe about three minutes, and

453
00:23:02,119 --> 00:23:04,800
Speaker 3: we're walking to the tree tree, you know, like the

454
00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:07,080
Speaker 3: wooded area because at first we're kind of like where

455
00:23:07,119 --> 00:23:09,959
Speaker 3: the road is or we're starting to gear off towards

456
00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:11,840
Speaker 3: where all the trees so we can go inside to

457
00:23:11,880 --> 00:23:14,600
Speaker 3: find to go look for him. So as we're walking

458
00:23:14,640 --> 00:23:17,440
Speaker 3: in to start looking for him again, a random cop

459
00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:19,720
Speaker 3: and again I'm telling you, these are wooded areas. Like

460
00:23:19,760 --> 00:23:21,680
Speaker 3: it's in the back of a place called the Ready

461
00:23:21,680 --> 00:23:24,600
Speaker 3: in Orlando. No one goes back here. And this random

462
00:23:24,640 --> 00:23:27,040
Speaker 3: cop pulls up. He's like, oh, what's going on, and

463
00:23:27,359 --> 00:23:29,679
Speaker 3: you know, we tell him, we explain the situation, and

464
00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:31,720
Speaker 3: we're like, we're looking for my dad. He didn't come home.

465
00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:33,960
Speaker 3: That's his car. So he's like, you guys need to

466
00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:37,159
Speaker 3: stop looking don't don't go anymore. Don't go into that

467
00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:40,000
Speaker 3: wooded area. I'll call the cop I'll call the helicopters,

468
00:23:40,040 --> 00:23:43,000
Speaker 3: we'll call the dogs. We'll find him. So he tells

469
00:23:43,080 --> 00:23:46,160
Speaker 3: us to sit down now, Ebana, I don't know how

470
00:23:46,160 --> 00:23:48,399
Speaker 3: many how much time from the time we sat to

471
00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:51,639
Speaker 3: the time they found him passed, but it could be

472
00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:54,119
Speaker 3: anywhere from three minutes to thirty five. I really don't know.

473
00:23:54,720 --> 00:23:58,920
Speaker 3: But eventually they find him. They call my mom over,

474
00:23:59,119 --> 00:24:01,359
Speaker 3: and so my brother and I remain seated. My mom

475
00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:03,119
Speaker 3: goes over. She speaks to him, and I could just

476
00:24:03,119 --> 00:24:04,679
Speaker 3: see her and she just rests her head, like her

477
00:24:04,680 --> 00:24:08,119
Speaker 3: head just drops, and then she turns it around. And

478
00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:11,399
Speaker 3: then I'm, like I mentioned, I had already known before

479
00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:13,800
Speaker 3: we even left looking for him, but you know, you

480
00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:17,879
Speaker 3: always leave that little peak of hope. You know. She

481
00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:20,879
Speaker 3: looks at us and doesn't say anything, and then we

482
00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:23,840
Speaker 3: just she just starts crying, and then we start crying,

483
00:24:24,200 --> 00:24:26,320
Speaker 3: and then I pass out and then I wake up

484
00:24:26,359 --> 00:24:29,879
Speaker 3: and I'm in the back of an ambulance, and then

485
00:24:30,040 --> 00:24:32,920
Speaker 3: I remember getting my brother's car and driving home.

486
00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:36,560
Speaker 2: How do you do How did this affect your brother?

487
00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:41,680
Speaker 2: M especially? Yeah?

488
00:24:42,280 --> 00:24:46,080
Speaker 3: Ah, yeah, So I didn't even realize how much it

489
00:24:46,080 --> 00:24:49,600
Speaker 3: affected my brother, I would say, until relatively recent. Right,

490
00:24:50,359 --> 00:24:52,760
Speaker 3: he's older, so he's four years older than me. So

491
00:24:52,880 --> 00:24:55,600
Speaker 3: I was just about to be fourteen. So he had

492
00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:58,719
Speaker 3: just turned eighteen or no, did he Yes, he had

493
00:24:58,760 --> 00:24:59,399
Speaker 3: just turned eighteen.

494
00:24:59,440 --> 00:25:00,680
Speaker 2: Yeah, at the college.

495
00:25:00,880 --> 00:25:06,560
Speaker 3: Yeah, just went away to college. I mean he had

496
00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:10,000
Speaker 3: to become the man of the house at eighteen, and

497
00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:12,560
Speaker 3: he had to take on roles that he shouldn't have

498
00:25:12,560 --> 00:25:16,199
Speaker 3: had to take on, right, and then he kind of

499
00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:20,040
Speaker 3: had to become like a dad brother to me. You know,

500
00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:22,640
Speaker 3: he went from just being my older brother to now

501
00:25:22,880 --> 00:25:26,000
Speaker 3: taking me to practice and helping me with math and

502
00:25:26,040 --> 00:25:29,680
Speaker 3: guiding me and you know, being what my dad should

503
00:25:29,680 --> 00:25:33,199
Speaker 3: have been during my you know, high school years. So

504
00:25:33,359 --> 00:25:37,560
Speaker 3: he has always been extremely responsible even before this everything happened.

505
00:25:37,600 --> 00:25:41,200
Speaker 3: But it was like he aged from eighteen to forty

506
00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:42,639
Speaker 3: in twenty four hours.

507
00:25:43,480 --> 00:25:48,400
Speaker 2: Not only do y'all talk about things now like yeah.

508
00:25:48,200 --> 00:25:50,600
Speaker 3: And I see how it affects I don't. I Mean,

509
00:25:51,000 --> 00:25:53,400
Speaker 3: he goes through therapy, so I'm sure he's worked through

510
00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:57,480
Speaker 3: a lot of his you know, feelings and things like that.

511
00:25:57,560 --> 00:25:59,720
Speaker 3: But I think now when I look at it, I

512
00:25:59,800 --> 00:26:02,800
Speaker 3: just I feel sadness because at one time it was

513
00:26:02,840 --> 00:26:05,040
Speaker 3: just like all you can think of is my feelings.

514
00:26:05,080 --> 00:26:07,080
Speaker 3: I lost my dad. I'm feeling this way. I'm his

515
00:26:07,160 --> 00:26:09,840
Speaker 3: little girl, I'm the baby. And I wasn't really thinking

516
00:26:09,880 --> 00:26:11,520
Speaker 3: about my mom and my brother and what they were

517
00:26:11,520 --> 00:26:13,959
Speaker 3: also going through at the time. And then I'm thinking, now,

518
00:26:14,280 --> 00:26:17,440
Speaker 3: you know, my brother losing his dad, where my dad

519
00:26:17,520 --> 00:26:20,960
Speaker 3: was my brother like my brother's superhero, you know, right,

520
00:26:21,400 --> 00:26:25,040
Speaker 3: and to no longer have his dad in his life

521
00:26:25,119 --> 00:26:29,760
Speaker 3: and to you know how important black fathers are to sons,

522
00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:31,879
Speaker 3: and you know, fathers are important to sons period, but

523
00:26:31,960 --> 00:26:36,080
Speaker 3: just you understand the need for boys and sons lives.

524
00:26:36,119 --> 00:26:41,000
Speaker 3: So yeah, it was really tough on him. But what

525
00:26:41,080 --> 00:26:43,560
Speaker 3: about no, no, no finish Now.

526
00:26:43,480 --> 00:26:45,360
Speaker 2: That thought about your mom because I can just only

527
00:26:45,440 --> 00:26:48,359
Speaker 2: imagine it now she has to hold the family together.

528
00:26:48,520 --> 00:26:51,919
Speaker 2: But she's also born in the loss of her husband.

529
00:26:52,040 --> 00:26:52,320
Speaker 2: M h.

530
00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:57,480
Speaker 3: She had to just go to work, you know, she

531
00:26:57,600 --> 00:27:01,960
Speaker 3: had to, she could didn't at the time I think

532
00:27:02,280 --> 00:27:05,639
Speaker 3: to fully mourn my dad because it was like, Okay,

533
00:27:05,680 --> 00:27:08,399
Speaker 3: but Bill's got to be paid. I still have to work,

534
00:27:08,680 --> 00:27:10,720
Speaker 3: you know, I still I still have to keep a

535
00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:15,840
Speaker 3: roof over their heads. You know, so there was no

536
00:27:15,880 --> 00:27:18,080
Speaker 3: real morning I'll be honest. You know, within our family,

537
00:27:18,080 --> 00:27:20,560
Speaker 3: at least, there was no morning together because my mom

538
00:27:20,680 --> 00:27:23,560
Speaker 3: was working two jobs right am to PM. I would

539
00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:26,040
Speaker 3: rarely see her. My brother was still in college, so

540
00:27:26,080 --> 00:27:28,320
Speaker 3: he was kind of gone, you know, all the time,

541
00:27:28,359 --> 00:27:31,000
Speaker 3: and then here's me still in school. So we weren't

542
00:27:31,080 --> 00:27:34,639
Speaker 3: really around each other a lot during that process, and

543
00:27:34,680 --> 00:27:37,640
Speaker 3: so there was a there was a break in our

544
00:27:37,960 --> 00:27:38,800
Speaker 3: healing together.

545
00:27:40,920 --> 00:27:44,160
Speaker 2: So yeah, so do your mom talk about it now

546
00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:47,359
Speaker 2: now that she's a little bit older. And I do

547
00:27:47,480 --> 00:27:49,480
Speaker 2: think she ever got a chance to like just sit

548
00:27:49,560 --> 00:27:50,960
Speaker 2: down and just breathe.

549
00:27:53,280 --> 00:27:59,320
Speaker 3: Good question. I think maybe now would be her time,

550
00:27:59,600 --> 00:28:05,040
Speaker 3: because she's in her sixties, her early sixties, I think

551
00:28:05,080 --> 00:28:08,920
Speaker 3: this would be her maybe breathe moment. But I don't

552
00:28:08,920 --> 00:28:12,920
Speaker 3: think she's ever had that full kind of just break.

553
00:28:13,560 --> 00:28:17,879
Speaker 3: It's just been breaths. It hasn't been lengths of time

554
00:28:18,200 --> 00:28:20,840
Speaker 3: that you would need to get over something like that.

555
00:28:22,440 --> 00:28:24,520
Speaker 3: But you know, I'm hoping in the next few years

556
00:28:24,520 --> 00:28:28,199
Speaker 3: when she retires, she can finally get that break, you know.

557
00:28:28,320 --> 00:28:30,240
Speaker 3: I mean, I wish it would have happened much earlier

558
00:28:30,240 --> 00:28:33,800
Speaker 3: than this, but you know, I'm hoping you know, within

559
00:28:33,800 --> 00:28:35,639
Speaker 3: the next few years, she'll get what she needs to

560
00:28:35,720 --> 00:28:37,520
Speaker 3: kind of really mourn it.

561
00:28:38,080 --> 00:28:42,520
Speaker 2: And what about the what about the rest of the family.

562
00:28:42,560 --> 00:28:44,800
Speaker 2: Do you think that your immediate family did the best

563
00:28:44,840 --> 00:28:47,680
Speaker 2: they could with helping your family recover from his suicide

564
00:28:47,880 --> 00:28:48,840
Speaker 2: or was it just y'all?

565
00:28:50,600 --> 00:28:58,360
Speaker 3: I would say my aunt, my aunt helped, But I mean,

566
00:28:58,440 --> 00:29:01,000
Speaker 3: I don't know what what should be done. I don't

567
00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:02,800
Speaker 3: like to think of like they could have done more,

568
00:29:02,880 --> 00:29:05,680
Speaker 3: you know, like I think everybody did what they could

569
00:29:06,280 --> 00:29:09,640
Speaker 3: with the situation. I would have liked to probably get

570
00:29:09,680 --> 00:29:12,760
Speaker 3: some more help from some family members, you know, being

571
00:29:12,800 --> 00:29:16,800
Speaker 3: that I was literally a child, and I yeah, and

572
00:29:16,880 --> 00:29:19,400
Speaker 3: I was home alone all the time, and you know,

573
00:29:19,640 --> 00:29:21,640
Speaker 3: so I wish I would have maybe had some more

574
00:29:22,080 --> 00:29:25,520
Speaker 3: more help. But I also don't think about that, like I,

575
00:29:25,600 --> 00:29:28,760
Speaker 3: you know, I mentioned it. Everyone just played their role

576
00:29:28,760 --> 00:29:32,400
Speaker 3: that they could and did their best, and I can

577
00:29:32,480 --> 00:29:35,480
Speaker 3: just say thank you for what you to do when

578
00:29:35,520 --> 00:29:35,920
Speaker 3: you could.

579
00:29:45,200 --> 00:29:46,360
Speaker 2: And what about your grandparents?

580
00:29:46,360 --> 00:29:50,440
Speaker 3: Were they around my grandparents? So, my grandpa had passed away,

581
00:29:50,480 --> 00:29:53,520
Speaker 3: which is my dad's dad. My paternal grandfather passed away

582
00:29:53,600 --> 00:29:57,600
Speaker 3: before my dad, and then my grandmother passed away relatively

583
00:29:57,640 --> 00:30:01,440
Speaker 3: recent two years ago. She lived in Fort Lauderdale, so

584
00:30:01,480 --> 00:30:05,640
Speaker 3: we didn't really see her very often, and we weren't

585
00:30:05,760 --> 00:30:10,360
Speaker 3: very close. My dad's mom and I weren't extremely close,

586
00:30:10,400 --> 00:30:12,680
Speaker 3: and maybe that was part of distance, but also just

587
00:30:13,200 --> 00:30:15,480
Speaker 3: culturally we're Jamaican, so I don't I don't know, like

588
00:30:15,880 --> 00:30:22,080
Speaker 3: you know, I'm not sure. Yeah, yeah, oh wow. So again,

589
00:30:22,640 --> 00:30:25,760
Speaker 3: my grandma's generation doesn't talk about death, you know, it's

590
00:30:25,840 --> 00:30:27,760
Speaker 3: kind of just like a you just deal with it

591
00:30:27,880 --> 00:30:30,920
Speaker 3: kind of thing. You don't like heal together. So I

592
00:30:30,960 --> 00:30:33,560
Speaker 3: think that was partly the reason. The other thing was,

593
00:30:33,600 --> 00:30:35,800
Speaker 3: you know, it was her only son, so I don't

594
00:30:35,800 --> 00:30:39,080
Speaker 3: know if she ever fully recovered. No, I know she

595
00:30:39,080 --> 00:30:42,080
Speaker 3: didn't ever fully cover. And I know that she probably

596
00:30:42,080 --> 00:30:45,800
Speaker 3: just didn't know how to talk with about that situation.

597
00:30:45,920 --> 00:30:49,680
Speaker 3: With me and with my brother and then my grandma,

598
00:30:49,760 --> 00:30:53,320
Speaker 3: my mom's mom, my maternal mother, my maternal grandmother, she

599
00:30:53,640 --> 00:30:57,680
Speaker 3: and I were much closer, and you know, we would

600
00:30:57,680 --> 00:31:01,440
Speaker 3: talk about it sometimes, you know, but it wouldn't be

601
00:31:02,800 --> 00:31:05,080
Speaker 3: it wouldn't be like in depth conversations. But that's also

602
00:31:05,120 --> 00:31:06,800
Speaker 3: because of me. I didn't really want to have it.

603
00:31:06,840 --> 00:31:08,920
Speaker 3: I wasn't ready. I didn't know what to say that

604
00:31:08,920 --> 00:31:10,800
Speaker 3: I would just end up crying or shutting off or

605
00:31:10,840 --> 00:31:16,760
Speaker 3: doing both. So yeah, we and then my grandfather on

606
00:31:16,760 --> 00:31:20,120
Speaker 3: my mom's side I've never met, so yeah, there wasn't

607
00:31:20,120 --> 00:31:25,480
Speaker 3: really much unfortunately with my two grandmas much healing with

608
00:31:25,560 --> 00:31:26,000
Speaker 3: that either.

609
00:31:27,400 --> 00:31:29,680
Speaker 2: So if you do have kids, or if you decide

610
00:31:29,720 --> 00:31:31,640
Speaker 2: to have kids, how do you plan to talk to

611
00:31:31,680 --> 00:31:34,080
Speaker 2: your kids about suicide? Like, what do you think is

612
00:31:34,120 --> 00:31:37,360
Speaker 2: a because you experience it as a young girl, what

613
00:31:37,480 --> 00:31:39,560
Speaker 2: do you think is an appropriate age to start having

614
00:31:39,560 --> 00:31:40,840
Speaker 2: these conversations with children?

615
00:31:42,080 --> 00:31:44,160
Speaker 3: Good question. I haven't even decided if I want to

616
00:31:44,160 --> 00:31:46,720
Speaker 3: have kids yet, and part of that is because of

617
00:31:47,800 --> 00:31:51,440
Speaker 3: the trauma that I went through, and and that's something

618
00:31:51,440 --> 00:31:52,840
Speaker 3: that I'm working with through my therapists.

619
00:31:52,880 --> 00:31:53,000
Speaker 2: Now.

620
00:31:53,040 --> 00:31:56,360
Speaker 3: I go to therapy once a week on Zoom. She's great,

621
00:31:57,040 --> 00:32:00,240
Speaker 3: And that's something that we talk about because I don't

622
00:32:00,280 --> 00:32:02,600
Speaker 3: know if I want to have kids. And your question,

623
00:32:02,880 --> 00:32:06,080
Speaker 3: what age when that child is ready? Because each kid

624
00:32:06,120 --> 00:32:09,080
Speaker 3: is different, right, Like my brother could have been taught

625
00:32:09,080 --> 00:32:12,280
Speaker 3: My brother could have learned about suicide, probably much younger

626
00:32:12,320 --> 00:32:14,320
Speaker 3: than I would have learned about suicide. So I would

627
00:32:14,360 --> 00:32:17,840
Speaker 3: say it depends on that child's ability to handle something

628
00:32:17,920 --> 00:32:20,560
Speaker 3: like that. I don't like to put an age on

629
00:32:21,120 --> 00:32:26,600
Speaker 3: something that's so serious, right, So yeah, and I'm with

630
00:32:26,680 --> 00:32:29,360
Speaker 3: the kids. I mean, it's something that I'm working through,

631
00:32:29,360 --> 00:32:31,840
Speaker 3: like I mentioned with you know, going through therapy because

632
00:32:31,880 --> 00:32:34,640
Speaker 3: I don't want to not have kids out of fear

633
00:32:34,880 --> 00:32:38,560
Speaker 3: of my trauma. You know, Like I think a big

634
00:32:38,600 --> 00:32:40,400
Speaker 3: part of me not wanting kids because like, I never

635
00:32:40,440 --> 00:32:42,120
Speaker 3: want my child to go through what I went through.

636
00:32:42,200 --> 00:32:44,520
Speaker 3: What I went through was shramatic. I never want that

637
00:32:44,800 --> 00:32:49,640
Speaker 3: up yeah, emotionally like like oh, I can't even imagine,

638
00:32:49,680 --> 00:32:50,600
Speaker 3: Like it's so sad.

639
00:32:51,040 --> 00:32:52,920
Speaker 2: Yeah, so many different aspects.

640
00:32:53,240 --> 00:32:56,720
Speaker 3: Yeah, I know, right, Look my damn ye. I wish

641
00:32:56,840 --> 00:32:59,040
Speaker 3: I would have been able to be a normal thirteen

642
00:32:59,120 --> 00:33:01,560
Speaker 3: year old, but you know that wasn't in my plan.

643
00:33:01,920 --> 00:33:07,920
Speaker 3: And you know, so yeah, I would be open with them.

644
00:33:08,360 --> 00:33:12,280
Speaker 3: I just completely lost my train, my training. You mentioned something,

645
00:33:13,080 --> 00:33:15,920
Speaker 3: Oh the kids. Sorry, okay, Yeah, I don't know if

646
00:33:15,920 --> 00:33:20,880
Speaker 3: I want to have kids, and I'm still deciding if

647
00:33:20,920 --> 00:33:22,880
Speaker 3: it's something that I really don't want, you know, because

648
00:33:22,880 --> 00:33:24,640
Speaker 3: some women just don't want to half kids, Like hey,

649
00:33:24,680 --> 00:33:29,000
Speaker 3: that's right, right, And I support women controlling their bodies

650
00:33:29,000 --> 00:33:30,760
Speaker 3: and doing what they want with their bodies, but I

651
00:33:30,800 --> 00:33:33,400
Speaker 3: also want to make sure. Do I not want kids

652
00:33:33,400 --> 00:33:39,120
Speaker 3: because I'm afraid that I will something traumatic would happen

653
00:33:39,160 --> 00:33:41,560
Speaker 3: to them, or like something will happen to them and

654
00:33:41,560 --> 00:33:43,680
Speaker 3: then I have to relive another trauma of losing a kid,

655
00:33:43,760 --> 00:33:45,320
Speaker 3: or you know, like God forbids something, you know, like

656
00:33:45,840 --> 00:33:48,320
Speaker 3: I just don't want another being to come into this

657
00:33:48,360 --> 00:33:51,680
Speaker 3: world and have to go through a traumatic experience. Right,

658
00:33:51,800 --> 00:33:55,800
Speaker 3: So I'm still deciding which of those two are the

659
00:33:55,800 --> 00:34:00,480
Speaker 3: the one that is, you know, weighing heavily on that decision.

660
00:34:01,280 --> 00:34:04,800
Speaker 2: Right, did your dad pass and teach you anything? Come

661
00:34:04,800 --> 00:34:05,480
Speaker 2: pass in a way?

662
00:34:06,200 --> 00:34:10,480
Speaker 3: Passing? Did my dad's passing teach me anything? Yeah, it

663
00:34:10,480 --> 00:34:13,360
Speaker 3: taught me that I have to be happy in my life.

664
00:34:14,640 --> 00:34:17,640
Speaker 3: I know depression is not a choice, especially clinical depression,

665
00:34:17,719 --> 00:34:20,680
Speaker 3: and which is why I know I suffer some from

666
00:34:20,840 --> 00:34:23,920
Speaker 3: some from mild depression. And I also suffer from anxiety.

667
00:34:23,920 --> 00:34:26,640
Speaker 3: And it's something that I haven't been diagnosed with depression,

668
00:34:26,640 --> 00:34:30,239
Speaker 3: but I have been diagnosed with anxiety. But I know

669
00:34:30,400 --> 00:34:34,880
Speaker 3: that I go through bouts of extreme sadness and I

670
00:34:34,880 --> 00:34:36,600
Speaker 3: know it runs in my family, but I do need

671
00:34:36,640 --> 00:34:39,560
Speaker 3: to be diagnosed to actually say that. So I do

672
00:34:39,640 --> 00:34:44,360
Speaker 3: suffer from anxiety and watching my dad kind of just

673
00:34:44,840 --> 00:34:46,960
Speaker 3: become a shell of himself for the last, you know,

674
00:34:46,960 --> 00:34:50,239
Speaker 3: a couple of few years of his life. I just

675
00:34:50,320 --> 00:34:54,239
Speaker 3: don't want to do things that make me unhappy, you know.

676
00:34:54,320 --> 00:34:57,600
Speaker 3: I want to live on this earth as freely and

677
00:34:57,640 --> 00:35:02,480
Speaker 3: as happily as I can, and to nourish my body

678
00:35:02,520 --> 00:35:06,520
Speaker 3: with all the things that make my soul smile, because

679
00:35:07,680 --> 00:35:10,200
Speaker 3: it can be very easy to slip into that state

680
00:35:10,400 --> 00:35:14,200
Speaker 3: of like sorrow and sadness and you know, all those things.

681
00:35:14,200 --> 00:35:16,520
Speaker 3: And because I don't think I'm clinical depressed, I don't know.

682
00:35:16,640 --> 00:35:19,200
Speaker 3: I know, I just go through kind of what's the

683
00:35:19,239 --> 00:35:24,000
Speaker 3: other other one, seasonal depression or you know, like situational right,

684
00:35:24,040 --> 00:35:26,560
Speaker 3: which is very common. But I know part of the

685
00:35:26,600 --> 00:35:28,960
Speaker 3: reason that I go through those is when I'm in

686
00:35:29,160 --> 00:35:32,719
Speaker 3: situations where I'm suffering in high stress levels or I'm

687
00:35:32,760 --> 00:35:34,920
Speaker 3: doing something that I don't want like to do where

688
00:35:34,960 --> 00:35:37,120
Speaker 3: I'm just like or like going to a nine to

689
00:35:37,160 --> 00:35:40,120
Speaker 3: five that I despise. It puts me into a state

690
00:35:40,200 --> 00:35:45,000
Speaker 3: of like complete sadness. So I know when I get

691
00:35:45,040 --> 00:35:47,560
Speaker 3: to these places where I feel just like there's just

692
00:35:47,760 --> 00:35:50,040
Speaker 3: I'm doing like the regular I'm waking up and just

693
00:35:50,120 --> 00:35:52,600
Speaker 3: kind of going day by day and not living. It's

694
00:35:52,600 --> 00:35:56,120
Speaker 3: something that I have to change. So after my dad,

695
00:35:56,160 --> 00:35:57,759
Speaker 3: you know, took his life, I just realized I want

696
00:35:57,760 --> 00:35:59,640
Speaker 3: to live my life happy. I want to do things

697
00:35:59,640 --> 00:36:03,239
Speaker 3: that make me happy, and you know, I try to

698
00:36:03,280 --> 00:36:05,560
Speaker 3: do my best to be a good person. Because even

699
00:36:05,560 --> 00:36:07,839
Speaker 3: though my dad, you know, was sad, and my dad

700
00:36:07,880 --> 00:36:10,120
Speaker 3: was depressed and you know, he kind of withdrew himself,

701
00:36:10,680 --> 00:36:13,160
Speaker 3: my dad was such a good person. You know. Anytime

702
00:36:13,239 --> 00:36:15,120
Speaker 3: any of his friends or any of my family members

703
00:36:15,120 --> 00:36:17,319
Speaker 3: would speak about him, they always said, how David was,

704
00:36:17,719 --> 00:36:19,799
Speaker 3: you know, all for his family and friends. He did

705
00:36:19,880 --> 00:36:21,959
Speaker 3: anything that he could, you know, like give the shirt

706
00:36:21,960 --> 00:36:24,359
Speaker 3: off his back if he could, right. And so that's

707
00:36:24,360 --> 00:36:26,440
Speaker 3: also something he taught me, like be a good person,

708
00:36:26,719 --> 00:36:30,919
Speaker 3: don't be a shitty person, right, love people around you

709
00:36:31,040 --> 00:36:34,879
Speaker 3: for as much as you can give. And yeah, that's

710
00:36:34,880 --> 00:36:36,920
Speaker 3: one of the many things I would say his passing

711
00:36:36,960 --> 00:36:37,279
Speaker 3: taught me.

712
00:36:38,760 --> 00:36:41,200
Speaker 2: So when did you forgive your father? If you have,

713
00:36:41,520 --> 00:36:43,960
Speaker 2: and if you did, what did that forgiveness?

714
00:36:43,960 --> 00:36:48,439
Speaker 3: Look like, I don't know exactly when I forgive him.

715
00:36:48,480 --> 00:36:50,560
Speaker 3: And I also a get I think I be honest,

716
00:36:50,560 --> 00:36:53,839
Speaker 3: I think I go through phases. I don't think I'm

717
00:36:53,880 --> 00:36:56,680
Speaker 3: like angry at him anymore. I'm not like, why did

718
00:36:56,680 --> 00:36:58,520
Speaker 3: you leave us? But I just go through points of

719
00:36:58,680 --> 00:37:02,600
Speaker 3: Like today, I actually was looking because I have to

720
00:37:02,600 --> 00:37:05,719
Speaker 3: get a new license soon because I'm no longer living

721
00:37:05,719 --> 00:37:07,520
Speaker 3: in Florida, and you know, in order to get a

722
00:37:07,560 --> 00:37:09,120
Speaker 3: new license, you have to get you know, like your

723
00:37:09,120 --> 00:37:11,400
Speaker 3: birth certificate all that stuff. And so I saw my

724
00:37:11,440 --> 00:37:13,920
Speaker 3: birth certificate and I saw my dad's name, and it

725
00:37:13,960 --> 00:37:16,319
Speaker 3: was just like, you know, and then I write, unto

726
00:37:16,360 --> 00:37:18,279
Speaker 3: the birth certificate, we're like old pictures of my dad

727
00:37:18,280 --> 00:37:20,520
Speaker 3: and I when I was younger. And so I was

728
00:37:20,520 --> 00:37:23,239
Speaker 3: just like, man, I'm not angry. I'm just sad, you know.

729
00:37:23,360 --> 00:37:25,440
Speaker 3: And I'm sad that I wasn't able to, you know,

730
00:37:26,080 --> 00:37:30,080
Speaker 3: go through my life experiencing things with you and you know,

731
00:37:30,200 --> 00:37:34,279
Speaker 3: like go through certain places and think that you would

732
00:37:34,400 --> 00:37:36,440
Speaker 3: enjoy this and we would have loved to do this together,

733
00:37:36,560 --> 00:37:39,040
Speaker 3: you know. So I don't know what. I don't think

734
00:37:39,080 --> 00:37:42,120
Speaker 3: I've ever like, I don't think I can name. Okay, Yeah,

735
00:37:42,160 --> 00:37:45,919
Speaker 3: this is when I stopped being angry because I think

736
00:37:45,920 --> 00:37:48,960
Speaker 3: my anger just transformed into sadness.

737
00:37:49,400 --> 00:37:52,200
Speaker 2: Right, Yeah, What is an advice you would give to

738
00:37:52,239 --> 00:37:56,640
Speaker 2: our listeners who either recently or previously lost the parents

739
00:37:56,680 --> 00:37:58,960
Speaker 2: in suicide.

740
00:37:59,000 --> 00:38:03,880
Speaker 3: My advice to you is one, I'm so tremendously sorry

741
00:38:04,320 --> 00:38:08,959
Speaker 3: that you're going through this because I know it's and

742
00:38:09,239 --> 00:38:12,719
Speaker 3: I know you are feeling a lot of feelings right now,

743
00:38:12,800 --> 00:38:14,640
Speaker 3: or maybe you're feeling nothing because I went through that too.

744
00:38:14,680 --> 00:38:19,759
Speaker 3: Feeling numbness is also a feeling. My advice to you

745
00:38:20,000 --> 00:38:25,719
Speaker 3: would be one, seek therapy because it's something that I

746
00:38:25,760 --> 00:38:30,000
Speaker 3: wish I would have done much sooner. Because even if

747
00:38:30,040 --> 00:38:33,760
Speaker 3: you think avoiding the conversation will make it go away,

748
00:38:33,880 --> 00:38:37,160
Speaker 3: it doesn't. Because I feel because I took so long

749
00:38:37,239 --> 00:38:41,240
Speaker 3: to seek therapy, I'm still kind of mourning his death

750
00:38:41,320 --> 00:38:44,239
Speaker 3: as if it happened maybe five years ago, because it

751
00:38:44,320 --> 00:38:47,000
Speaker 3: took me so long to unpack my feelings. Right. So,

752
00:38:47,880 --> 00:38:51,879
Speaker 3: if not therapy, I understand therapy may not be financially

753
00:38:52,120 --> 00:38:56,600
Speaker 3: accessible to you. Seek a friend, a trusting friend. Seek

754
00:38:56,880 --> 00:39:00,720
Speaker 3: if you're in school, sometimes you know the counselor should

755
00:39:00,719 --> 00:39:03,600
Speaker 3: be free to students, or you know, if you're at

756
00:39:03,600 --> 00:39:06,000
Speaker 3: a university, maybe they have a health care or something

757
00:39:06,080 --> 00:39:08,360
Speaker 3: that they do for the university. Seek someone that you

758
00:39:08,400 --> 00:39:10,839
Speaker 3: can talk to because you need to put what you're

759
00:39:10,840 --> 00:39:13,839
Speaker 3: feeling out there to someone else that can help you

760
00:39:13,960 --> 00:39:18,759
Speaker 3: interpret what this means and things like that. My next

761
00:39:18,840 --> 00:39:23,719
Speaker 3: advice would be too, like I mentioned, find things to

762
00:39:23,880 --> 00:39:29,040
Speaker 3: make you take care of yourself, self care, whatever it

763
00:39:29,120 --> 00:39:31,680
Speaker 3: is that you enjoy, don't stop doing that. Now. Clearly

764
00:39:31,680 --> 00:39:33,279
Speaker 3: you're going to go through a time of morning and

765
00:39:33,280 --> 00:39:34,640
Speaker 3: you're not gonna want to get up and do the

766
00:39:34,680 --> 00:39:36,560
Speaker 3: things you want to do. Yes, you need to take

767
00:39:36,600 --> 00:39:40,520
Speaker 3: that time for yourself, but eventually, at some point you

768
00:39:40,600 --> 00:39:42,720
Speaker 3: need to get up and you have to force yourself,

769
00:39:43,200 --> 00:39:47,759
Speaker 3: literally force yourself. When my dad died, my cousin like

770
00:39:47,840 --> 00:39:49,640
Speaker 3: told me I need to go to her go with

771
00:39:49,719 --> 00:39:52,719
Speaker 3: her to this like it's called football training, and I

772
00:39:52,760 --> 00:39:54,239
Speaker 3: was like I don't want to do it, and then

773
00:39:54,239 --> 00:39:56,160
Speaker 3: she's like, okay, well when are you ready? And then

774
00:39:56,200 --> 00:39:57,480
Speaker 3: one day I was like, I'm going to just stay

775
00:39:57,480 --> 00:39:59,520
Speaker 3: at home and cry all day. So I forced myself

776
00:39:59,560 --> 00:40:01,400
Speaker 3: to go to the training. And that was one of

777
00:40:01,480 --> 00:40:04,040
Speaker 3: the best decsions ever made, because, like I mentioned, that

778
00:40:04,120 --> 00:40:06,439
Speaker 3: was where I met my best friend who also had

779
00:40:06,440 --> 00:40:09,000
Speaker 3: just lost her dad that same year, same month. Everything

780
00:40:09,080 --> 00:40:13,719
Speaker 3: was crazy. So you never know what stepping outside of

781
00:40:13,800 --> 00:40:16,319
Speaker 3: your sadness sometimes will do for you and do for

782
00:40:16,360 --> 00:40:20,080
Speaker 3: your healing, So force yourself to do certain things that

783
00:40:20,160 --> 00:40:22,480
Speaker 3: you know may make you smile, even if it's just

784
00:40:22,600 --> 00:40:24,799
Speaker 3: walking outside and going to a coffee shop just to

785
00:40:24,840 --> 00:40:27,719
Speaker 3: get outside of the house. And then I would say

786
00:40:27,760 --> 00:40:30,040
Speaker 3: my next thing would be diary. Write down some of

787
00:40:30,040 --> 00:40:34,640
Speaker 3: your feelings, write a letter, curse, listen to music, just

788
00:40:34,719 --> 00:40:37,439
Speaker 3: kind of do things to kind of get your anger out,

789
00:40:37,440 --> 00:40:39,640
Speaker 3: and not just speaking to a therapist, but also writing

790
00:40:39,640 --> 00:40:43,279
Speaker 3: it down because that writing also helps too. And if

791
00:40:43,320 --> 00:40:46,960
Speaker 3: you are spiritual or if you believe in a higher being,

792
00:40:47,040 --> 00:40:52,200
Speaker 3: if you're whatever religion you believe in, pray and really

793
00:40:52,239 --> 00:40:55,919
Speaker 3: hone in on that. Because you're going to what you're

794
00:40:55,960 --> 00:40:58,360
Speaker 3: going through and the journey you're going to forever beyond,

795
00:40:59,040 --> 00:41:02,200
Speaker 3: you're gonna need something to take you through this, beside

796
00:41:02,239 --> 00:41:06,480
Speaker 3: yourself and besides other physical people. Without God, I would

797
00:41:06,520 --> 00:41:09,719
Speaker 3: be honest, I don't know if I would have been

798
00:41:09,800 --> 00:41:12,239
Speaker 3: able to get through my life the way I have,

799
00:41:12,400 --> 00:41:14,120
Speaker 3: and not just even dealing with my dad, just get

800
00:41:14,120 --> 00:41:14,799
Speaker 3: through life, right.

801
00:41:15,840 --> 00:41:16,120
Speaker 2: Yeah.

802
00:41:17,480 --> 00:41:20,799
Speaker 3: Yeah, So it's like at times, I know, you got

803
00:41:20,800 --> 00:41:23,799
Speaker 3: to call on somebody stronger and bigger than you. Gotta

804
00:41:23,840 --> 00:41:26,040
Speaker 3: get down and even if you don't know what to say,

805
00:41:26,560 --> 00:41:31,839
Speaker 3: just start talking and do that as frequently as you can,

806
00:41:32,560 --> 00:41:36,920
Speaker 3: because eventually something will be talking back to you and

807
00:41:36,960 --> 00:41:42,440
Speaker 3: it will be very clear and you'll know, maybe not

808
00:41:42,560 --> 00:41:45,520
Speaker 3: what to do, but the next step to take. So

809
00:41:45,760 --> 00:41:47,760
Speaker 3: that would be my advice.

810
00:41:49,320 --> 00:41:52,480
Speaker 2: And last on Ali, Yes, if there is one thing

811
00:41:52,520 --> 00:41:54,120
Speaker 2: that you would like to say to your father, what

812
00:41:54,160 --> 00:41:54,640
Speaker 2: would it be.

813
00:41:56,680 --> 00:41:58,319
Speaker 3: I just talked to my dad the other day too,

814
00:42:00,239 --> 00:42:04,239
Speaker 3: so one thing I would want to say is, like

815
00:42:04,280 --> 00:42:08,400
Speaker 3: I said, I'm not angry at you, daddy. I've moved

816
00:42:08,400 --> 00:42:10,880
Speaker 3: past my anger. I'm just really sad that you're not

817
00:42:11,000 --> 00:42:14,320
Speaker 3: able to experience life with us. And I have another

818
00:42:14,400 --> 00:42:17,280
Speaker 3: niece on the way right. My dad is a grandpa

819
00:42:17,360 --> 00:42:22,399
Speaker 3: of two beautiful girls, Zora and soon to be Princess Nia,

820
00:42:23,120 --> 00:42:26,160
Speaker 3: And I know you see them, but I really wish

821
00:42:26,239 --> 00:42:29,719
Speaker 3: that we could have all been able to experience their

822
00:42:29,760 --> 00:42:35,600
Speaker 3: beauty in person. And I am so glad that you

823
00:42:35,719 --> 00:42:39,640
Speaker 3: chose my mom as your wife and mother of your kids,

824
00:42:39,880 --> 00:42:43,480
Speaker 3: because in the midst of all of this craziness, you know,

825
00:42:44,680 --> 00:42:49,920
Speaker 3: she was the foundation that held us together and that

826
00:42:51,200 --> 00:42:55,120
Speaker 3: kept us going even you know, after all, and you know,

827
00:42:55,200 --> 00:42:57,960
Speaker 3: waking up every morning every night going to work to

828
00:42:57,960 --> 00:43:01,439
Speaker 3: make sure that we were provided for, and you would

829
00:43:01,480 --> 00:43:06,640
Speaker 3: be so proud of your son. He is an amazing man,

830
00:43:06,680 --> 00:43:09,480
Speaker 3: but you knew that already because even before he was eighteen,

831
00:43:09,520 --> 00:43:13,719
Speaker 3: he was acting like he was grown. And he's an

832
00:43:13,760 --> 00:43:17,960
Speaker 3: amazing father, husband, and brother, son, all of the things

833
00:43:17,960 --> 00:43:20,800
Speaker 3: that he was before. Like I think my dad knew

834
00:43:21,400 --> 00:43:23,520
Speaker 3: who he was. I think everyone knew how my brother was.

835
00:43:23,560 --> 00:43:28,319
Speaker 3: But he's not a man. And I hope that you

836
00:43:28,400 --> 00:43:30,839
Speaker 3: go and visit him sometimes soon in his dreams. And

837
00:43:30,920 --> 00:43:35,840
Speaker 3: for me, I am happy that I got to experience

838
00:43:36,480 --> 00:43:39,319
Speaker 3: my first thirteen almost fourteen years with you. I'm sad

839
00:43:39,400 --> 00:43:43,080
Speaker 3: it wasn't more, but some people get none, so I'm

840
00:43:43,120 --> 00:43:48,600
Speaker 3: blessed for that. And also, you know, I'm single. So

841
00:43:48,960 --> 00:43:51,840
Speaker 3: if there's a man out there that I already vetted for,

842
00:43:52,280 --> 00:43:54,200
Speaker 3: I need you to send him my way because I'm

843
00:43:54,239 --> 00:43:57,080
Speaker 3: not getting younger. I am getting better looking, but I'm

844
00:43:57,120 --> 00:43:58,160
Speaker 3: not getting younger.

845
00:43:58,360 --> 00:43:59,880
Speaker 2: So I'm a provider.

846
00:44:00,520 --> 00:44:05,000
Speaker 3: I need you, Grandma, Grandpa, all of y'all to get

847
00:44:05,000 --> 00:44:08,080
Speaker 3: together up there and figure out who this man's is, okay,

848
00:44:08,200 --> 00:44:12,359
Speaker 3: because these streets are not for me, okay, And yeah,

849
00:44:12,400 --> 00:44:15,960
Speaker 3: and that's it. I love you, and one day we'll

850
00:44:16,000 --> 00:44:17,760
Speaker 3: meet again. In our spiritual form.

851
00:44:18,840 --> 00:44:21,000
Speaker 2: Oh Chow, you almost got me about to say your name,

852
00:44:21,440 --> 00:44:22,480
Speaker 2: about to crying.

853
00:44:23,160 --> 00:44:24,480
Speaker 3: Oh that was so beautiful.

854
00:44:24,520 --> 00:44:27,560
Speaker 2: Man. I really do appreciate you coming on the show

855
00:44:27,600 --> 00:44:30,200
Speaker 2: and just sharing your story because I can only imagine

856
00:44:30,200 --> 00:44:32,640
Speaker 2: how triggering it can be in traumatic if it is

857
00:44:32,680 --> 00:44:34,879
Speaker 2: to really relive some.

858
00:44:34,880 --> 00:44:35,440
Speaker 3: Of these things.

859
00:44:35,480 --> 00:44:36,759
Speaker 2: I really do appreciate it.

860
00:44:37,120 --> 00:44:39,960
Speaker 3: No, and again, I thank you at the beginning, but

861
00:44:40,040 --> 00:44:42,360
Speaker 3: I want to sincerely thank you for reaching out to me.

862
00:44:42,760 --> 00:44:45,160
Speaker 3: This was therapeutic for me too. You know, I go

863
00:44:45,200 --> 00:44:47,600
Speaker 3: to therapy, but to talk to someone different and to

864
00:44:47,719 --> 00:44:50,319
Speaker 3: just talk about my dad in this way and this

865
00:44:50,160 --> 00:44:53,640
Speaker 3: and this this platform, it's helpful. And I thank you

866
00:44:53,719 --> 00:44:58,040
Speaker 3: for the podcast. I wish nothing but success on it.

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00:44:58,080 --> 00:45:01,160
Speaker 3: I will definitely promote it because it's amazing. What you're

868
00:45:01,200 --> 00:45:03,319
Speaker 3: doing is amazing. And thank you for being such a

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00:45:03,480 --> 00:45:07,120
Speaker 3: dope black woman and doing the damn thing and empowering

870
00:45:07,160 --> 00:45:11,360
Speaker 3: other black women younger and older to follow their dreams

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00:45:11,400 --> 00:45:12,839
Speaker 3: and kill it.

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00:45:13,520 --> 00:45:16,600
Speaker 2: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you. Oh Chow. I

873
00:45:16,640 --> 00:45:19,480
Speaker 2: had sorry in my cycle, so I'm like really emotional.

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00:45:19,000 --> 00:45:19,920
Speaker 3: In the next story.

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00:45:20,360 --> 00:45:24,520
Speaker 2: Oh my god, sorry listeners, but I'm just like.

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00:45:26,840 --> 00:45:27,880
Speaker 3: It's a safe space.

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00:45:30,600 --> 00:45:32,920
Speaker 2: But no, I really do appreciate you to my listeners.

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00:45:32,920 --> 00:45:36,680
Speaker 2: If you have any questions, comments, with concerns, please email

879
00:45:36,719 --> 00:45:38,640
Speaker 2: me at Hello at the PAH podcast dot com and

880
00:45:38,680 --> 00:45:40,759
Speaker 2: I would definitely send them over to our guests and

881
00:45:40,800 --> 00:45:42,480
Speaker 2: if you want to respond if she has time, that

882
00:45:42,640 --> 00:45:45,600
Speaker 2: is on her. But as always, thank you so much

883
00:45:45,680 --> 00:45:57,320
Speaker 2: and until next time everyone Later bye. The Professional Homegirl

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00:45:57,320 --> 00:46:00,520
Speaker 2: Podcast is a production of the Black Effect Podcast Network.

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00:46:00,680 --> 00:46:04,560
Speaker 2: For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, app

886
00:46:04,560 --> 00:46:07,040
Speaker 2: a podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.

887
00:46:07,120 --> 00:46:10,040
Speaker 2: Don't forget to subscribe and rate the show, and you

888
00:46:10,080 --> 00:46:12,760
Speaker 2: can connect with me on social media at the PHG

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00:46:12,960 --> 00:46:13,480
Speaker 2: podcast