Speaker 1: Hell I Suck At Dating with Dean Ungler and Dared
Speaker 1: Haven and I heard radio podcast. Hey, welcome to an
Speaker 1: all new episode of Help I Suck At Dating, the
Speaker 1: special Thursday episode. We love this Midweek, your past hump Day,
Speaker 1: almost Friday. Here we go. Weekend is upon us and
Speaker 1: thank you so much for tuning in listening to our
Speaker 1: horrible voices. I am Jared, joined by Dean Ungler and
Speaker 1: we have a very special guest who's joining us today.
Speaker 1: Now you will know her. She is the master relationship
Speaker 1: coach on the Oprah Winfrey Networks hit television show Put
Speaker 1: a Ring On It. She is also the author of
Speaker 1: the book A Woman's True Purpose, Live Like You Matter.
Speaker 1: Great title right there, it is Dr Nicole Beach. Doctor.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for joining us. How are you.
Speaker 1: I'm a fantastic guys. How are you? We're doing well.
Speaker 1: So we were talking about the TV show Put a
Speaker 1: Ring On It? Can you tell us a little bit
Speaker 1: more about First of all, Put a Ring On It?
Speaker 1: Such a great title? Uh? And what this you know?
Speaker 1: Social Experiment TV show is all about? Well, it's about
Speaker 1: couples that have been together for a while and they
Speaker 1: lived together and they're in relationship and they're trying to
Speaker 1: figure out should they go their separate ways or should
Speaker 1: they put a ring on it? And um, they do
Speaker 1: this experience while dating other people. I love it. It
Speaker 1: sounds like a little like the ultimatum. So but it's
Speaker 1: different deemed than the ultimatum. Oh my gosh, it's so different,
Speaker 1: but I get it. But so it's it's maybe like
Speaker 1: a less insane version of the ultimatum. Yeah, the ultimatum
Speaker 1: is it's interesting, but I think ours is definitely more
Speaker 1: on the practical side of helping people figure out. You know,
Speaker 1: are they trying to water the grass on their side
Speaker 1: of the fence and nurture what could be? Or are
Speaker 1: they one foot out the door and need to make
Speaker 1: a different move. So what makes a couple um know that, Like,
Speaker 1: for example, all these couples go on the show, they
Speaker 1: know what they're they're getting themselves into. So what would
Speaker 1: be some signs of a relationship that that people should
Speaker 1: be aware of that would make them decide, Hey, listen,
Speaker 1: you know we're kind of in a make it or
Speaker 1: break it stage at this point communication. You know, what
Speaker 1: does that look like? Because you know, people talk often
Speaker 1: about um ultimatums and things of that nature. But really
Speaker 1: those things don't really exist if you're communicating and you're
Speaker 1: being clear about what you want, where you see yourself going,
Speaker 1: and where you see yourselves going in the relationship. It's
Speaker 1: when those conversations aren't being had, or when one party
Speaker 1: doesn't want to believe where the other person is coming
Speaker 1: from if it doesn't align with where they want to go,
Speaker 1: that's when it gets a little difficult. That makes sense.
Speaker 1: So when you introduce somebody else into your relationship, which
Speaker 1: is what this show does, because it's like, hey, we're
Speaker 1: going to try to date other people and see if
Speaker 1: we should either put a ring on it or if
Speaker 1: we should go our separate ways. Do you think that's
Speaker 1: beneficial all the time? Um? I guess. My My question
Speaker 1: is like, if I was going through issues with my
Speaker 1: wife Ashley, serious issues to the point where we were like, hey, listen,
Speaker 1: we might not make it or we should be like
Speaker 1: fully invest in this relationship. Man, The idea for me
Speaker 1: of like introducing a new person into this relationship, I
Speaker 1: can't imagine how it would work after that. I gotta
Speaker 1: be honest. Yeah, Well, in a marriage, it's different. The
Speaker 1: big thing with these couples is that they haven't made
Speaker 1: that commitment yet. So the third party, um, which is
Speaker 1: myself being able to help them manage this conversation and
Speaker 1: the conversations they should be having, is really important because
Speaker 1: a lot of times when people are in this dynamic
Speaker 1: of whether we should or shouldn't, it's often because there
Speaker 1: are a lot of conversations they're not having. They know
Speaker 1: where they are in their gut, They're not having authentic
Speaker 1: conversation to see where they need to grow too, to
Speaker 1: be definitive. And in this dynamic where you have a
Speaker 1: coach and you also have these other parties, it really
Speaker 1: positions you to say, what am I really trying to
Speaker 1: do here? Am I trying to work on my relationship
Speaker 1: to make it better and to grow forward? Or am
Speaker 1: I really not stuck? I'm just not not trying to
Speaker 1: move right? Do you think that's Do you think that's
Speaker 1: the biggest issue with couples in general? Is just communication
Speaker 1: or lack thereof. It's huge, Yeah, it's huge because everybody
Speaker 1: wants to be heard, seen and understood, and communication is
Speaker 1: how we do a lot of that nonverbally and verbally.
Speaker 1: So when you're not doing great in either lane. Right
Speaker 1: of being heard, seen and understood, a lot of other
Speaker 1: challenges come to bear. But I also feel like a
Speaker 1: lot of times people will sugarcoat their feelings to protect
Speaker 1: the other person in themselves. Um, and it's not rare
Speaker 1: for people to be unabashedly honest about where they're at
Speaker 1: with everything, but I feel like a lot of times
Speaker 1: people do that to spare their partner's emotions. Right. Well, yes,
Speaker 1: and part of the challenge is you're not living your truth,
Speaker 1: so it makes it hard to be able to go
Speaker 1: and grow together when the other party doesn't really know
Speaker 1: where you are. Why is it so hard for to
Speaker 1: communicate in a relationship? Because I agree with you. I
Speaker 1: feel like we constantly hear this all the time about like, hey,
Speaker 1: communication is the most important thing with a relationship, or
Speaker 1: like we can't communicate, which is hurting our relationship. But
Speaker 1: like you said, Dr, everybody wants to be heard, seen
Speaker 1: and understood and that goes both ways and a agentship.
Speaker 1: So it's I guess my question to use. Why does
Speaker 1: so many couples struggle with communication? Well, vulnerability is hard
Speaker 1: for many. It's not a practiced art, right, So being
Speaker 1: vulnerable is being able to being willing to be seen
Speaker 1: without your mask, being willing to take risk, being willing
Speaker 1: to be emotionally available. Right, And and if that's the
Speaker 1: call to connect and have a true connection, you've got
Speaker 1: to be willing to do it. And if you still
Speaker 1: want the other person to see you a certain way,
Speaker 1: or you don't want to deal with things of your past,
Speaker 1: or you don't want to be authentic, then a lot
Speaker 1: of those things become a lot more difficult. And that's
Speaker 1: really often what it is. Yeah, that's fair. So I've
Speaker 1: got a question for you. How how long into meeting
Speaker 1: these couples, especially the ones from the show, can you
Speaker 1: form a pretty accurate opinion on like their success? Right? Oh,
Speaker 1: that's a good question, because I think whether they get
Speaker 1: married or not, it's successful. Right. My thought is, if
Speaker 1: you're not supposed to get married by all means, please don't.
Speaker 1: If you're willing to work and invest and be vested
Speaker 1: in this construct of marriage, please do so. I don't know,
Speaker 1: because the interesting thing about human being is is you're
Speaker 1: never really sure what they're gonna do until they do it.
Speaker 1: Are they gonna best and and really be able to say,
Speaker 1: you know, part of what we've co created is because
Speaker 1: of me. I'm a co creator in this dynamic, so
Speaker 1: I can also vest in doing my part in a
Speaker 1: way that heals what's happening versus hurts or or diminishes. Right,
Speaker 1: But you don't know what they're gonna do until they're
Speaker 1: actually in the position to decide where they want to be. Right.
Speaker 1: Have you seen any couples from this show that you
Speaker 1: thought maybe have gone there, should have gone their separate
Speaker 1: ways and end up getting married or vice versa. Couples
Speaker 1: that broke up and you're like, ah, I think you
Speaker 1: guys could have actually been happy together. Sure, Because yeah,
Speaker 1: because there are things now that after all of these
Speaker 1: years of looking at couples and all of these years
Speaker 1: of researching people who have been in relationships that have
Speaker 1: worked and people who have been in relationships that haven't,
Speaker 1: that are telltale signs. Right. So, if you see a
Speaker 1: couple that is constantly criticizing one another and constantly in contempt,
Speaker 1: I mean the world ling of the eyes. Anytime one
Speaker 1: of them says something, there's a dismissing of the other,
Speaker 1: there's like, oh God, here we go, blah blah blah.
Speaker 1: All that stuff now tells us whether or not in
Speaker 1: the long term, you've got a really good shot. So
Speaker 1: if you watch the couple's patterns and you see how
Speaker 1: they deal, right, are they fair or they always trying
Speaker 1: to be at the mat and kill each other? What?
Speaker 1: What's their what's their deal? You can say, within a
Speaker 1: certain level of clarity, this, this might not be so
Speaker 1: good ten years from now. You might not make it
Speaker 1: to five. But some people just like the bickering and
Speaker 1: the constant um, not like nagging. But you know, some
Speaker 1: people really do thrive off of that, like for punishment, yeah,
Speaker 1: Christo punishment, yeah, but for you know, the question is
Speaker 1: not so much because a couple say, well, is it
Speaker 1: bad when you fight? No, if you've got a relationship
Speaker 1: where there's no comp flick, be very afraid, like run
Speaker 1: because it's not lifing. Right, That's not how we do life.
Speaker 1: It's not about the conflict. It's about how you have conflict,
Speaker 1: how you recover, and what's the residue. Right. If your
Speaker 1: conflict leaves everybody bloodied every time, there's only but so
Speaker 1: much that you're going to be able to do that
Speaker 1: and have anything that's sustainable or healthy. Right, So it's
Speaker 1: how your patterns manifest with the person that you're with,
Speaker 1: because we all would come with different baggage, right, Jared,
Speaker 1: what do you think you're in? Nashley's last fight was
Speaker 1: about they're not fight but disagreement. Ah god, that's I mean,
Speaker 1: we have disagreements about parenting style. Not crazy differences, but um,
Speaker 1: like a good example is I've been trying at time
Speaker 1: times to let Dawson cry it out, like for I'd
Speaker 1: say like five ten minutes, because he'll cry sometimes and
Speaker 1: then you know, I remember Ashley one time he had
Speaker 1: a bottle and we were holding him and then you know,
Speaker 1: he was just still fussy, and then we put him down.
Speaker 1: He was still crying, and as she was like, we
Speaker 1: gotta dance form or entertain them or do something. You know,
Speaker 1: I don't want him crying anymore. And I was like,
Speaker 1: I think we should just let him cry it out,
Speaker 1: like give him ten minutes and just try to like
Speaker 1: let him get it out of his system. And and
Speaker 1: I I was, you know, we were talking about how
Speaker 1: I didn't want him to get into this habit of hey,
Speaker 1: I cry and then they come like that's the way
Speaker 1: it goes. And so but she was like, no, I
Speaker 1: don't want like he gets so he gets so worked
Speaker 1: up he starts crying. I don't want him crying. So
Speaker 1: that was like a disagreement. I guess that would be
Speaker 1: our biggest one where I was like, I think we
Speaker 1: should just lay him down and let him cry it out.
Speaker 1: And she's like, no, don't you know. She even said afterwards,
Speaker 1: so we did it, you know, we let him cry
Speaker 1: it out. And then she was like, his voice is horsed,
Speaker 1: like I can tell from crying all that much. And
Speaker 1: I'm like, he's fine. So I would say that's certain.
Speaker 1: You know, some disagreements we have. Listen, you can disagree,
Speaker 1: but do you all become the enemy of each other
Speaker 1: in the disagreement is that I think I should do this,
Speaker 1: you think I should do that. We figure out where
Speaker 1: we're gonna stand on this, and are we enemies because
Speaker 1: I didn't get it my way or you didn't get
Speaker 1: it your way. Some people, if you're not doing it
Speaker 1: their way, it's their way or no way, which means
Speaker 1: that you've got to become a little invisible to be
Speaker 1: in their circumstance. Otherwise they don't know how to coexist
Speaker 1: and correctly. Right right, you're talking about it's just we're
Speaker 1: trying to figure out how to raise this little boy
Speaker 1: genius of ours and uh not totally be handled. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's like a hard dynamic to have. Ashley and I
Speaker 1: do have more disagreements than just that, Like I was
Speaker 1: trying to think, sometimes it's um like when I've talked
Speaker 1: about this on the podcast before. Sometimes when we have,
Speaker 1: you know, hard conversations because we're married, you know, we
Speaker 1: have to talk about serious things, shows get emotional start
Speaker 1: crying because that's just her immediate reaction. But then I'll
Speaker 1: get upset because then I'm like, we can't talk anymore,
Speaker 1: like because as soon as you start crying, like I
Speaker 1: shut down because I feel so bad. And we've had
Speaker 1: arguments about that, and she's like, there's nothing I can do.
Speaker 1: You're just gonna have to set that and I'm like, okay,
Speaker 1: but I feel like there's not much I can do
Speaker 1: because then I'll get mad. And then I'll say, well,
Speaker 1: if that's your reasoning saying there's nothing you can do
Speaker 1: and there's nothing I can do to change the way
Speaker 1: I feel when you start crying, because it's my emotional
Speaker 1: reaction to just shut down and not want to talk
Speaker 1: about things anymore. So we we definitely have like a
Speaker 1: little bit of a wall when it comes to that.
Speaker 1: You know, usually fifteen minutes goes by and then we're
Speaker 1: fine and then we're kind of like easily talking back
Speaker 1: into what we needed to talk about. But yeah, I
Speaker 1: mean we've definitely had situations arise where it's like, you know,
Speaker 1: you just butt heads. I feel like it's terrifying to
Speaker 1: admit that you're you butt heads with your partner because
Speaker 1: then people are like, oh, you guys have issues, and
Speaker 1: it's like, I don't feel like we have issues just
Speaker 1: because we have disagreements within our relationship. Yeah, it does
Speaker 1: not mean that you have issues. People come, you know,
Speaker 1: we we forget. Let's say, Jared, when did you meet
Speaker 1: your wife in two thousand and fifteen, seven years ago?
Speaker 1: Twenty we were both twenty six, Yeah, twenty six, So
Speaker 1: you've been walking the earth for twenty six years before
Speaker 1: you found her. Beliefs, values, likes, dislike, successes, all kinds
Speaker 1: of stuff you've been figuring out for twenty six years.
Speaker 1: And you meet this person and they've been living for
Speaker 1: twenty six years. Why is the expectation, first of all,
Speaker 1: that I'm going to have all of the tools necessary
Speaker 1: to build something with this person. That's that's bananas. It's
Speaker 1: so much more compassion to be able to say you've
Speaker 1: been living, I've been living. We're bringing things into this dynamic.
Speaker 1: What do we want to build and how are we
Speaker 1: going to try to work with each other to stay
Speaker 1: committed to building that? Recognizing what do we have all
Speaker 1: the answers all the time. That doesn't mean our marriage
Speaker 1: is falling apart, for God's sakes, It means we're trying
Speaker 1: to figure it out. Sometimes you need a flatheads, sometimes
Speaker 1: you need a Phillips. You don't always know just by
Speaker 1: looking at the screw right, You don't always know. Sometimes
Speaker 1: you gotta try some things to figure out, Okay, where
Speaker 1: do we land that doesn't demolish the both of us
Speaker 1: but keeps us connected. It's so interesting to hear you
Speaker 1: say that because there have been so many instances with
Speaker 1: Kaylin and I we've been together three years now, where uh,
Speaker 1: you know, we'll have a polar opposite reaction to something
Speaker 1: that's going on. Chill react one way and I'll react
Speaker 1: a completely different way, and I, being the narcissist that
Speaker 1: I am, think that my way of reacting is you know,
Speaker 1: incredibly superior and then the best way to react to something.
Speaker 1: And so many times I take a step back and
Speaker 1: I'm like, Okay, well, we've we've only been together for
Speaker 1: a small fraction of our lives. Of course we're gonna
Speaker 1: have different reactions to certain things. And it's honestly helps
Speaker 1: a lot with the relationship because Caylin and I are
Speaker 1: so different in so many ways, and to have that
Speaker 1: perspective of being like, well, of course we're going to
Speaker 1: react differently to to certain scenarios because we are completely
Speaker 1: different people. And even like throughout the three years that
Speaker 1: we've been together, we you know, you slowly tend to
Speaker 1: like pick up on each other's traits and things, uh,
Speaker 1: maybe not not get easier, but you understand their perspective
Speaker 1: a lot better. And I think before I had that perspective,
Speaker 1: I would go into a relationship, uh and and we
Speaker 1: would have a different reaction on something, and you know
Speaker 1: this is before my current relationship, and I'd be like, oh,
Speaker 1: that's it. That's the telltale sign that we're not meant
Speaker 1: to be together, So I'm gonna go ahead and end
Speaker 1: this relationship now. And it's just not the case. It's
Speaker 1: like you just have to, I guess understand that everyone's
Speaker 1: gonna be different because, like you said, twenty six years
Speaker 1: walking this earth, you didn't know this person, and you
Speaker 1: you became the person that you are that way, and
Speaker 1: so obviously you're gonna have different reactions to certain things. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and you know the ego is a trip, right, because
Speaker 1: you come in with the tools that you have and
Speaker 1: you are convinced my tools are right because your says,
Speaker 1: my tools are right. I've worked very hard at these tools.
Speaker 1: What are you speaking of? And somebody else comes with
Speaker 1: their tools, and the first thing is to be able
Speaker 1: to say they're hours now right, if we can shift
Speaker 1: it from mine and yours to ours, and then being
Speaker 1: able to say, huh, nothing in this box seems to
Speaker 1: be working. Does anybody else have something? Right? The minute
Speaker 1: you can say we've tried every screwdriver, nothing is working.
Speaker 1: Does somebody have a screwdriver or something we can use?
Speaker 1: Is the minute someone says, oh, that screw is rusted
Speaker 1: to the point of no screwdriver is gonna help. But
Speaker 1: use this tool. It'll pull it right out and you
Speaker 1: can use the new nail. Yes, uh, we did it.
Speaker 1: It's being able to get on that progression where you're like,
Speaker 1: we can do this together. We just might not be
Speaker 1: able to use the stuff that we have. I just
Speaker 1: want to point out real quick, doctor, using a screwdriver
Speaker 1: on a nail. It's not the best. But if that's
Speaker 1: what you've been taught, right, if that's what you inherited,
Speaker 1: you come in you're like, yeah, my screw driver, my nail.
Speaker 1: And when another person says, you know that, that's interesting
Speaker 1: that that's what you use, because that's not really the best.
Speaker 1: Don't touch it sacred right. Well, we go through that
Speaker 1: kind of stuff and sometimes it's just best to just
Speaker 1: be like, you know what, let's try and let's see
Speaker 1: which works best for us. And you know that right
Speaker 1: on the head too. And sometimes when we would have
Speaker 1: disagreements about things, Calein would be she would say something
Speaker 1: on the lines of like well why don't you uh,
Speaker 1: like like why do you see it that way? Or
Speaker 1: like why do you react in that manner? And I'm like,
Speaker 1: in my head, all I can think about is I
Speaker 1: love my conflict resolution style. I don't see any issues
Speaker 1: with it, and so that must mean that you're wrong.
Speaker 1: But in reality, she's just like trying to get a
Speaker 1: grasp on what's going on, which is totally fine. It
Speaker 1: makes a lot of sense, but it's just it's such
Speaker 1: an interesting Uh there's so many like avenues you can
Speaker 1: go down, and you know, hope flee. I guess you'll
Speaker 1: always want to hop down your hope. You're going down
Speaker 1: the best one suited for you. Guys, you know, yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean it if you can respect each other through differences.
Speaker 1: And I always tell couples it's a really smart thing
Speaker 1: to be able to ask yourself first, is this duct tape?
Speaker 1: And I know that sounds like a crazy question, but
Speaker 1: it's like, okay, is this duct tape? Am I trying
Speaker 1: to use duct tape to hinge a door? Because duct
Speaker 1: tape is all I've had. If I can't answer that question,
Speaker 1: I don't know if this is duct tape or not.
Speaker 1: I mean, it's what I've got. I think it should work,
Speaker 1: but I don't know if that's the best option. Then
Speaker 1: that gives enough opportunity for the other person to say,
Speaker 1: you know, I don't really know how to put this on,
Speaker 1: but I heard this hinge thing will keep the door
Speaker 1: swinging both ways a lot more effectively, And then you
Speaker 1: can say well, all I've got is duct tape, but
Speaker 1: let me see, let me see it. Oh, it's got
Speaker 1: some holes. I think if we get some screws and
Speaker 1: a drill, we can try it. Versus, when you're so
Speaker 1: bent on my duct tape is the answer, then you
Speaker 1: really hit a wall because you're not willing to accept
Speaker 1: the other person's influence. And in relationships, guys, you gotta
Speaker 1: be willing to be influenced. Gals, you've gotta be willing
Speaker 1: to be influenced because if not, what the heck? Yeah right,
Speaker 1: but I got there eventually. Yes, well we're still getting there.
Speaker 1: You know. There's always, as as we like to say
Speaker 1: on this podcast, help I suck a dating. Even though
Speaker 1: do you know, I'm myself are in very happy relationships,
Speaker 1: we still suck a dating. Just ask our respective girlfriends
Speaker 1: and wife. There's a lot of things we can work on,
Speaker 1: but dr we just want to say thank you so
Speaker 1: much for joining us on the podcast once again. You're
Speaker 1: always welcome back. Um, We're so glad that you came
Speaker 1: back to the podcast, and we hope to see you soon.
Speaker 1: We know that you can watch all three seasons of
Speaker 1: Put a Ring on It right now? Uh is there
Speaker 1: a season four the potentially, you know, we hope, so
Speaker 1: we hope from our viewers and just the words on
Speaker 1: the street that they wanted to come back. We hope
Speaker 1: that it will. Yeah, well it's a very successful show,
Speaker 1: so I can't imagine they won't have a season four.
Speaker 1: But everybody listening right now, go watch. You can watch
Speaker 1: all three seasons of Put A Ring On It. Also,
Speaker 1: I know you have an event coming up. Dr Nicole.
Speaker 1: I don't know if you wanted to talk about that
Speaker 1: at all. The reunion um is coming up. The reunion
Speaker 1: of season three of Put A Ring On It is
Speaker 1: coming up. And also our Woman Unlimited Live is coming out. Yeah,
Speaker 1: The Woman Unlimited Live. When I was was I was
Speaker 1: getting at it's coming up on June the eighteen. Very
Speaker 1: excited women can register from all over the world because
Speaker 1: it's virtual Woman on Limited live dot Com. Very excited.
Speaker 1: We're gonna help you unleash and un buying your unlimited
Speaker 1: potential in business and in relationships. Don't get much more
Speaker 1: fun than that. Yeah, I'm gone, that's happening, Yes, nine
Speaker 1: am Eastern Standard time. Oh, that'll be six am for us.
Speaker 1: That'll be tricky, but we'll do our best. Thank you
Speaker 1: so much for joining us. We can't wait to hear
Speaker 1: from you again, and uh yeah, talk to you soon.
Speaker 1: Thanks guys, Bye, dr Thank you. Follow help by suck
Speaker 1: at Dating on I Heart Radio or wherever you listen
Speaker 1: to podcast