WEBVTT - Gabby Bernstein 0:00:00.080 --> 0:00:02.400 Holy Human with Leanne Rhymes is a production of I 0:00:02.520 --> 0:00:17.239 Heart Radio. Welcome my lovely friends to this very special 0:00:17.280 --> 0:00:21.279 episode of Holy Human. My guest today is a prolific 0:00:21.400 --> 0:00:26.079 and best selling author, Gabby Bernstein is also a motivational speaker, 0:00:26.400 --> 0:00:30.720 podcast host, and a self described spirit junkie, and she's 0:00:30.800 --> 0:00:34.200 driven by the mission to help you become the happiest 0:00:34.280 --> 0:00:38.680 dang person that you know. How you might ask, Well, 0:00:38.880 --> 0:00:41.360 that's what we're going to find out together on today's 0:00:41.520 --> 0:01:10.520 Holy Human. Yeah, oh, Gabby, thank you so much for 0:01:10.600 --> 0:01:13.760 coming on Holy Human. I am I'm so excited to 0:01:13.760 --> 0:01:16.959 have you. I'm excited to be here. I think you're awesome. 0:01:17.280 --> 0:01:19.240 It's not good to be with you. Thank you. I've 0:01:19.240 --> 0:01:21.959 read many of your books, and I one of the 0:01:21.959 --> 0:01:24.280 things I gather and I relate to so much. I 0:01:24.280 --> 0:01:28.640 feel like you've lived like multiple lifetimes in your forty 0:01:28.680 --> 0:01:31.720 three years, and I feel that way. I definitely feel 0:01:31.720 --> 0:01:35.400 that way. Almost I'll be forty in August, and it's like, Wow, 0:01:35.480 --> 0:01:42.200 I'm exhausted from the forty years that I've lived. Well, 0:01:42.240 --> 0:01:45.480 you've been going, you've been going strong yourself, You've got 0:01:45.560 --> 0:01:47.400 you know, you've lived a lot of life. A lot 0:01:47.480 --> 0:01:51.360 of life. Yeah, but it gets so good. It gets 0:01:51.440 --> 0:01:53.480 so good when you live your life young and then 0:01:53.520 --> 0:01:55.559 you can get to your middle age. I can't believe 0:01:55.560 --> 0:01:58.640 I'm saying I'm middle aged, just too weird. But when 0:01:58.680 --> 0:02:01.960 you can get here and and be and reap the 0:02:02.000 --> 0:02:05.760 benefits of the hard work, yeah, very true. Do you 0:02:05.760 --> 0:02:08.440 feel like something changed for you at forty? I love 0:02:08.480 --> 0:02:11.720 asking women thus because I I hear, I hear that 0:02:11.760 --> 0:02:18.280 it does. Yeah, forty, It wasn't really necessarily about forty. 0:02:18.520 --> 0:02:23.560 It was about I happened to be I turned forty. 0:02:24.000 --> 0:02:27.160 When did I turned forty? Was? I think I turned 0:02:27.320 --> 0:02:34.040 forty in twenty nineteen and just before and then uh in, 0:02:35.120 --> 0:02:39.560 I uh really just kind of got my ship together 0:02:40.600 --> 0:02:44.640 in the most major way. And I think it was, 0:02:44.680 --> 0:02:48.200 of course a culmination of sixteen years of deep personal 0:02:48.240 --> 0:02:51.919 growth and a lifetime of spiritual practice and just really 0:02:51.960 --> 0:02:54.960 committing to my well being. But just like everybody else, 0:02:54.960 --> 0:02:58.800 twenty was the opportunity to wake up or shut down. 0:02:59.720 --> 0:03:02.560 So I just was like, let's go bigger, and I 0:03:02.639 --> 0:03:08.160 created I established like extraordinary boundaries with people. I just 0:03:08.520 --> 0:03:14.040 went even deeper in my recovery from trauma. Just all 0:03:14.080 --> 0:03:19.720 the life and I'm so happy that I can have 0:03:19.800 --> 0:03:22.040 come out the other side. So yes, it was in 0:03:22.120 --> 0:03:25.480 my forty year that I began a real big transition 0:03:25.760 --> 0:03:29.200 that's interesting for me. I know, thirty was such a 0:03:29.200 --> 0:03:34.480 big transitional moment for me. I went into to UM 0:03:34.520 --> 0:03:37.640 to rehab basically like right after I call it rehab, 0:03:37.680 --> 0:03:39.680 whatever you want to call it for anxiety and depression. 0:03:39.720 --> 0:03:43.120 I checked myself into rehabilitation center like the day after 0:03:43.160 --> 0:03:47.720 my thirtieth birthday. And I remember that moment and that 0:03:47.720 --> 0:03:51.240 that life shift, and now forty for me, it's like 0:03:51.280 --> 0:03:53.440 you're like you're saying, reaping the benefits of the last 0:03:53.480 --> 0:03:56.160 decade of the work that I have done, and knowing 0:03:56.200 --> 0:03:59.480 that there's many deeper levels that life is calling me 0:03:59.560 --> 0:04:02.640 to go to you at this moment. And you know, 0:04:03.000 --> 0:04:06.720 spirituality has been such a huge piece for me, and 0:04:06.760 --> 0:04:10.120 I think over that last decade, my own spiritual practice 0:04:10.120 --> 0:04:14.000 has grown deeper and it's something that I definitely lean on. 0:04:14.440 --> 0:04:18.120 I still resonate with you calling yourself a spirit junkie, 0:04:18.120 --> 0:04:20.960 because I think I think I would call myself one 0:04:20.960 --> 0:04:24.080 and the same. I was just wondering, what, why does 0:04:24.160 --> 0:04:29.200 that title resonate so deeply with you. Yeah, Well, I've 0:04:29.200 --> 0:04:31.839 been on a spiritual quest I think since I came 0:04:31.880 --> 0:04:35.280 here into into the human form. But I was also 0:04:35.320 --> 0:04:39.080 born into a very spiritual family, uh, particularly my mother. 0:04:39.160 --> 0:04:42.320 My mom. My mom was always a spirit junkie. She 0:04:42.400 --> 0:04:45.800 really is a spirit junkie. She's she brought us to Ashrams. 0:04:45.839 --> 0:04:47.719 We were named by the gurus. I was taught to 0:04:47.760 --> 0:04:52.159 meditate when I was in high school, and that foundation 0:04:52.320 --> 0:04:54.719 was always really present for me, you know, you know, 0:04:54.760 --> 0:04:57.160 like some people when their moms would be like, oh 0:04:57.200 --> 0:04:59.240 my god, she got her first like tennis brace. Little 0:04:59.240 --> 0:05:01.240 for my mom was like she got her first tarot deck. 0:05:01.880 --> 0:05:06.200 Like that was where I was growing up. But it 0:05:06.240 --> 0:05:08.719 was it was a great thing to have that seed planted. 0:05:08.920 --> 0:05:12.640 And I've been a seeker my whole life, and early 0:05:12.920 --> 0:05:15.560 I got I got sober. I began my recovery journey 0:05:15.560 --> 0:05:18.000 at twenty five, and for me, it was first started 0:05:18.040 --> 0:05:21.400 with with sobriety, and uh, I had I had really 0:05:22.160 --> 0:05:24.360 I've been looking for that spiritual connection in all the 0:05:24.400 --> 0:05:27.200 wrong places and ultimately became a cocaine addict and a 0:05:27.240 --> 0:05:30.200 drug you know, an alcoholic, and at twenty five years old, 0:05:30.320 --> 0:05:33.760 just hit a massive bottom, first bottom big bottom and 0:05:33.760 --> 0:05:37.360 and got sober, and and anyone that's that gets sober 0:05:37.400 --> 0:05:42.000 through treatment or through or through twelve step recovery will 0:05:42.000 --> 0:05:45.880 really begin to open up to their own deep in 0:05:45.920 --> 0:05:49.640 their spiritual connection in whatever form that comes. Typically that's 0:05:49.680 --> 0:05:52.560 often what happens for us. And so I um, I 0:05:52.640 --> 0:05:56.039 had the privilege of just really cracking myself open to 0:05:57.120 --> 0:06:03.320 the spiritual possibilities for my own personal transformation, for a 0:06:03.320 --> 0:06:09.000 connection to a inner wisdom beyond beyond me, to a 0:06:09.240 --> 0:06:13.440 connection to around beyond my physical site that I believed 0:06:13.640 --> 0:06:16.919 and continued to believe devote devotionally that that is a 0:06:17.000 --> 0:06:18.919 presence that is by my side and within me and 0:06:18.920 --> 0:06:22.039 around me at all times. And so that started to 0:06:22.120 --> 0:06:25.760 happen really fast for me in my early recovery. And 0:06:25.800 --> 0:06:27.480 that's when I started giving talks, and that's when I 0:06:27.480 --> 0:06:31.520 started writing books. And my second book, I was trying 0:06:31.560 --> 0:06:33.680 to find a title for it, and I was at 0:06:33.680 --> 0:06:36.320 the time, I was early in my career, doing some 0:06:36.400 --> 0:06:39.279 group coaching workshop and there was this eighteen year old 0:06:39.279 --> 0:06:40.919 girl and at the time, I must have been like 0:06:40.960 --> 0:06:44.760 twenty eight or something, and there was this eighteen year 0:06:44.760 --> 0:06:47.320 old girl in the group, and she was telling us 0:06:47.320 --> 0:06:49.640 to search. Like last week when I left group, I 0:06:49.720 --> 0:06:52.640 was just so high and I felt so good, and 0:06:52.680 --> 0:06:54.800 I was looking at the stars and everything was taking 0:06:54.800 --> 0:06:56.880 I was taking everything in and I just out of 0:06:56.920 --> 0:07:00.120 my mouth I said, yours just a spirit Junkie. And 0:07:00.360 --> 0:07:03.040 everybody in the room was like, that's your new title. 0:07:03.120 --> 0:07:05.000 You know, it was just boom, that's my book title. 0:07:05.480 --> 0:07:08.160 That's going to be. That's how we all self identified 0:07:08.240 --> 0:07:10.760 in that room, And to this day here you and 0:07:10.800 --> 0:07:13.680 I are self identifying as spirit junkies. And to me, 0:07:13.800 --> 0:07:16.640 what it really means is someone who's who's seeking and 0:07:17.000 --> 0:07:20.760 who is is open and willing to receive guidance beyond 0:07:21.160 --> 0:07:25.520 their physical site and their physical awareness. And uh, it's 0:07:25.560 --> 0:07:28.080 a great way to live. Yeah, it is a great 0:07:28.080 --> 0:07:31.320 way to live. And I grew up with religion being 0:07:31.320 --> 0:07:34.400 such a huge part of my childhood and spirituality. I 0:07:34.400 --> 0:07:38.040 don't know, I think I lived in spirituality like as children. 0:07:38.160 --> 0:07:42.400 I think we are we are so connected to spirit, 0:07:42.720 --> 0:07:47.640 and then everything kind of gets placed upon us and 0:07:47.800 --> 0:07:51.600 everybody else's points of view and opinions, and then we 0:07:51.680 --> 0:07:56.320 somehow lose track of our site of that you know, 0:07:56.480 --> 0:07:58.560 that deepest place in us. And I think I know 0:07:58.640 --> 0:08:01.840 on my own journey these last ten years have been 0:08:03.080 --> 0:08:08.840 finding a reconnecting with that most innocent piece of myself. 0:08:09.600 --> 0:08:14.120 And you know, I think religion. Religion kind of cut 0:08:14.200 --> 0:08:16.040 that off for me for a while too when I 0:08:16.080 --> 0:08:21.120 was younger, because I felt like it was, I don't 0:08:21.120 --> 0:08:23.320 know what, it just didn't fit and it felt like 0:08:23.360 --> 0:08:25.760 that was the only path, religion was the only path 0:08:25.800 --> 0:08:30.880 to God, to spirituality. And so was religion a big 0:08:30.920 --> 0:08:34.400 part of your childhood or was it was spirituality and 0:08:34.480 --> 0:08:38.120 your own kind of journey to to that inner part 0:08:38.160 --> 0:08:42.280 of yourself. Was that more cultivated in your childhood? Yeah, 0:08:42.280 --> 0:08:46.120 religion definitely was present. But before I jump into that, 0:08:46.160 --> 0:08:47.800 because there's so much I want to say about that, 0:08:48.400 --> 0:08:50.400 I also want to acknowledge something you said, which is 0:08:50.440 --> 0:08:54.280 that as children, we are all so psychically connected, we're 0:08:54.320 --> 0:08:59.199 so spiritual, were so inspired, and then the experiences throughout 0:08:59.200 --> 0:09:04.319 our childhood begin to unfortunately, you know, life, and particularly 0:09:04.320 --> 0:09:06.280 for those of us who may not have had secure 0:09:06.320 --> 0:09:09.240 attachment at home and you know, taught resilience and felt 0:09:09.240 --> 0:09:11.719 safe in our home and our or in our system, 0:09:11.800 --> 0:09:15.520 we we we cut off from It's in of course, 0:09:15.520 --> 0:09:19.359 and miracles, it's they say, it's the descent from magnitude 0:09:19.360 --> 0:09:22.520 into littleness or the moment that we forgot to laugh 0:09:23.440 --> 0:09:28.840 and yeah, big ones, Yeah, it's so sad. It's so sad. 0:09:29.200 --> 0:09:31.360 And I believe that those of us who find our 0:09:31.400 --> 0:09:35.440 way back to a spiritual longing, like you, like myself, 0:09:35.440 --> 0:09:41.040 anyone listening, we begin the journey of undoing the fear 0:09:41.080 --> 0:09:44.520 based belief systems that we picked up and remembering and 0:09:44.520 --> 0:09:48.160 you just said, reclaiming that innocence and remembering the love 0:09:48.200 --> 0:09:53.800 within us, remembering the greatness within ourselves and within the 0:09:53.840 --> 0:09:57.720 presence of that spiritual connection. So we do in many 0:09:57.760 --> 0:10:01.040 ways cut off from It's like in my new book 0:10:01.040 --> 0:10:03.439 Happy Days, I have this whole passage about how we 0:10:03.440 --> 0:10:06.720 we we we It's as if our soul departs and 0:10:07.320 --> 0:10:10.439 we have this these moments of whether they be trauma 0:10:10.600 --> 0:10:13.480 or small T trauma, big T trauma, whatever it is 0:10:13.480 --> 0:10:16.440 that happens in our childhood, we cut off from that 0:10:16.600 --> 0:10:21.079 presence of spirit and we build up a wall against it. 0:10:21.559 --> 0:10:24.200 And so this is, you know, being on a spiritual 0:10:24.200 --> 0:10:27.160 path is about on learning that fear and remembering love. 0:10:28.080 --> 0:10:30.600 And uh so, I just wanted to just really drive 0:10:30.640 --> 0:10:33.360 home what a profound mentioned that is of where we 0:10:33.400 --> 0:10:36.079 are when we're children, and then what we have to 0:10:36.120 --> 0:10:39.320 almost we almost have to we have to reparent ourselves 0:10:39.320 --> 0:10:43.360 to come back to that spiritual practice. Absolutely, but as 0:10:43.400 --> 0:10:45.839 it relates to the religion, I mean I can speak 0:10:46.040 --> 0:10:49.080 briefly about that. So, um, my family wasn't quite religious, 0:10:49.080 --> 0:10:51.880 but I was brought up in a Jewish home and 0:10:52.440 --> 0:10:55.040 was very very into And I don't know if this 0:10:55.080 --> 0:10:57.000 is for you you started your career at a young age, 0:10:57.000 --> 0:10:59.320 but you know, for me, I think I did do 0:10:59.400 --> 0:11:01.800 in that real I sing it because I was the 0:11:01.840 --> 0:11:05.520 president of this regional Jewish youth group and I was 0:11:05.559 --> 0:11:09.160 like leading these I was leading these like spiritual weekends 0:11:09.200 --> 0:11:13.520 in these temples throughout Westchester County, and I was like fourteen, 0:11:15.000 --> 0:11:19.560 like hosting these spiritual retreats, and and fast forward, you know, 0:11:19.800 --> 0:11:21.240 ten years later, that was what I was doing for 0:11:21.360 --> 0:11:23.719 my career. So I think that you know, we have 0:11:23.840 --> 0:11:29.440 we can't underestimate the things we do by choice, and um, 0:11:29.480 --> 0:11:31.679 but that But but for me, religion has a soft, 0:11:31.960 --> 0:11:34.800 gentle place in my heart because it was the first 0:11:35.160 --> 0:11:39.920 introduction to spirituality beyond my mother was in a Sleepway 0:11:39.960 --> 0:11:42.600 camp that was Jewish and in these retreats and just 0:11:42.679 --> 0:11:45.680 opening up my awareness to what that meant. I love that. 0:11:45.840 --> 0:11:48.320 I love that you started that at fourteen. That's so cool. 0:11:48.400 --> 0:11:53.640 That's like me walking on stage. That's exactly in your 0:11:53.800 --> 0:11:55.960 new book you And I think a lot of your 0:11:55.960 --> 0:11:59.120 work in general talks about, you know, the concept of 0:11:59.520 --> 0:12:03.280 goal of happiness, and I was just wondering for you, 0:12:03.800 --> 0:12:06.240 how do you define that word, because I think it 0:12:06.320 --> 0:12:11.160 can mean so many different things to different people. Happiness 0:12:11.280 --> 0:12:16.679 for me is waking up without anxiety. It's please, can 0:12:16.720 --> 0:12:18.520 I have a day of that? That would be great? 0:12:20.240 --> 0:12:26.080 It's uh, it's um, it's it's being present. When I 0:12:26.200 --> 0:12:28.760 when I wrote Happy Days, I started to dive into 0:12:29.120 --> 0:12:32.560 my own trauma recovery. And that's what I share about 0:12:32.559 --> 0:12:36.160 in this book and the and I did a lot 0:12:36.160 --> 0:12:39.480 of semantic experiencing work, which is the work of Peter Levine, 0:12:39.880 --> 0:12:43.439 and it's a body based therapy, mind body therapy really, 0:12:43.480 --> 0:12:47.440 and Peter says that trauma is the inability to be 0:12:47.559 --> 0:12:54.479 present mhm. And so for me, presence is the opposite 0:12:54.480 --> 0:12:59.560 of being in a traumatic state, and presence is his happiness. 0:13:00.280 --> 0:13:02.080 And a lot of people throw around the word presence 0:13:02.080 --> 0:13:04.160 in the spiritual community, but I want to really, you know, 0:13:04.240 --> 0:13:08.480 give it its voice. So presence is that felt sense, 0:13:08.520 --> 0:13:11.000 as they say in the sc language, the felt sense 0:13:11.040 --> 0:13:14.720 of of looking into my son's eyes and just feeling 0:13:14.720 --> 0:13:19.800 my whole heart explode with joy, or holding my kitten 0:13:20.160 --> 0:13:23.520 and just like feeling her energy just going into me. 0:13:24.120 --> 0:13:28.640 And presence is meeting you right here right now and 0:13:29.000 --> 0:13:31.400 not thinking about having to jump off the call and 0:13:31.440 --> 0:13:33.840 get my dinner, you know, just being with you and 0:13:33.880 --> 0:13:38.160 being in the dance of of of dialogue right And 0:13:38.240 --> 0:13:41.360 so that's happiness to me. That that's that that presence 0:13:41.400 --> 0:13:43.080 is something that I longed for my whole life and 0:13:43.120 --> 0:13:48.800 finally hates here and it's so red that's amazing. I 0:13:48.800 --> 0:13:52.480 I find myself going in and out of presence often, 0:13:52.480 --> 0:13:54.160 and I know you talk about this a lot with 0:13:54.360 --> 0:13:57.120 the trauma and the body, and like right now, I 0:13:57.120 --> 0:13:59.880 can feel myself like my body has a lot have 0:14:00.000 --> 0:14:02.000 a lot of body anxiety a lot of the time. 0:14:02.160 --> 0:14:05.800 Although I'm very present and here, it's like and I 0:14:05.840 --> 0:14:09.040 find myself throughout the day kind of going in and 0:14:09.080 --> 0:14:13.240 out of of presence and what I'm able to receive. 0:14:14.040 --> 0:14:17.360 I think receiving is such a huge piece of my 0:14:17.400 --> 0:14:20.840 own journey and learning to receive, like you're saying, being 0:14:20.880 --> 0:14:23.440 with your son and like actually looking in his eyes 0:14:23.480 --> 0:14:26.840 and being able to to take him in. I think 0:14:26.880 --> 0:14:30.720 sometimes when we've lived in trauma alright, still have that 0:14:30.800 --> 0:14:34.400 trauma experience going through the body, it's almost like it 0:14:34.400 --> 0:14:38.360 puts up a block to being able to receive the 0:14:38.400 --> 0:14:42.800 fullness of what is in front of us. Yeah, definitely, 0:14:42.920 --> 0:14:45.400 And you know, I think what you're saying also something 0:14:45.440 --> 0:14:49.280 to be really compassionate towards yourself, because tight trading in 0:14:49.360 --> 0:14:51.560 and out of that presence is actually a really sure 0:14:51.640 --> 0:14:55.320 sign of your recovery because you can touch into it 0:14:55.560 --> 0:14:58.560 and then the protector part of you, the anxiety is 0:14:58.600 --> 0:15:01.720 like too much better to go out and then and 0:15:01.760 --> 0:15:03.760 then it can go back in and it can come back. 0:15:03.960 --> 0:15:06.560 But the fact that you can even touch into it 0:15:07.720 --> 0:15:14.120 briefly is miraculous, right. It's it's it's a slow recovery. 0:15:14.240 --> 0:15:16.840 And that's why I like the word recovery, because it's 0:15:16.880 --> 0:15:22.920 you're recovering your peace, and when it's blown out because 0:15:22.920 --> 0:15:26.200 of trauma, it's like you've got a lot of broken pieces. 0:15:26.200 --> 0:15:28.680 You've got to kind of pull back together, and so 0:15:29.320 --> 0:15:35.360 it's slow, and it's gentle, and it's a compassionate process, 0:15:35.680 --> 0:15:39.320 and it's a careful process, and it's not the kind 0:15:39.360 --> 0:15:40.800 of thing we want to rip off the band aid 0:15:40.800 --> 0:15:46.120 too quickly. But we are going to step away quickly 0:15:46.200 --> 0:15:48.400 for a quick break. But we'll be right back with more. 0:15:48.520 --> 0:15:59.800 Gabby Bernstein, welcome back, my loves. Gabby and I were 0:15:59.800 --> 0:16:03.960 talking about the sometimes tricky and tender process of healing trauma. 0:16:05.080 --> 0:16:08.520 And I'm trained in something called internal family Systems therapy. 0:16:08.560 --> 0:16:11.200 I've done their level one training and I write about 0:16:11.200 --> 0:16:13.840 it in Happy Days and in i f S. We 0:16:13.960 --> 0:16:16.760 have all these different it's considered that we have different 0:16:16.800 --> 0:16:21.480 parts of ourselves, and we all have protector parts. And 0:16:21.520 --> 0:16:23.840 then we have exiled children's. The exiled children are the 0:16:23.840 --> 0:16:26.440 traumatized little girls in us. You know, the traumatized children 0:16:26.440 --> 0:16:29.920 in us that that are terrified to come forth. They 0:16:29.920 --> 0:16:32.880 have shame, they carry fear, they're just they're locked up. 0:16:33.560 --> 0:16:35.840 And the way we lock them up is by building 0:16:35.920 --> 0:16:39.960 up these protection mechanisms and protector parts. And anxiety is 0:16:39.960 --> 0:16:43.520 a protector part. And so we have to thank the 0:16:43.560 --> 0:16:49.680 anxiety right now for its service in keeping keeping that 0:16:49.760 --> 0:16:52.640 little girl you know, not from blowing up and exploding 0:16:52.640 --> 0:16:54.320 it all at once. Right, So it's like it's been 0:16:54.360 --> 0:16:58.040 doing its job and slowly but surely through this journey 0:16:58.040 --> 0:17:01.520 of that past decade of recovery, it this this anxiety 0:17:01.560 --> 0:17:05.760 part has been becoming less and less extreme. M And 0:17:05.840 --> 0:17:08.240 it's not that we want to shun these parts of ourselves. 0:17:08.240 --> 0:17:10.040 Like the anxiety part isn't a bad part of you, 0:17:10.160 --> 0:17:13.120 it's not a bad part of me. It's it's actually 0:17:13.280 --> 0:17:15.159 in many ways, like I can even look back at 0:17:15.160 --> 0:17:18.320 the cocaine addict part and say thank you, you kept 0:17:18.359 --> 0:17:20.479 me safe. And that was all I could do at 0:17:20.480 --> 0:17:22.639 the time was do drugs. You know, that was what 0:17:22.680 --> 0:17:25.480 I could do then, Right. And so to look and 0:17:25.880 --> 0:17:30.520 be very fond and compassionate towards these protection mechanisms, these 0:17:30.520 --> 0:17:35.439 protector parts, is is very very important because it's not 0:17:35.520 --> 0:17:38.879 about shunning those parts of ourselves. It's about helping them 0:17:38.880 --> 0:17:43.040 become less extreme. And the way we do that is 0:17:43.080 --> 0:17:45.920 through is through connecting to what in I f S 0:17:45.960 --> 0:17:48.480 we call Self and for you you might call that 0:17:48.560 --> 0:17:53.119 your spiritual presence or higher self. For God and Self 0:17:53.200 --> 0:18:02.639 is compassionate, courageous, calm, curious, right, it's creative. And so 0:18:02.840 --> 0:18:05.280 you know, for yourself, and I can speak for this too. 0:18:05.320 --> 0:18:08.040 When when you're when you're when you're creating music, you're 0:18:08.080 --> 0:18:11.800 you're in self. Right when you're doing this podcast, you're 0:18:11.840 --> 0:18:16.320 in self, You're when you're And so when we start 0:18:16.359 --> 0:18:23.080 to assume those qualities curiosity, courage, creativity, connectedness, that's when 0:18:23.080 --> 0:18:27.159 we start to soften the protectors. And yeah, there's a 0:18:27.200 --> 0:18:30.400 lot in one, you know, little Riff, but no, it 0:18:30.480 --> 0:18:33.959 is beautiful. It's very complex, and you're right about that. 0:18:34.000 --> 0:18:36.480 Like I can sit here and know that there are 0:18:37.160 --> 0:18:39.440 there's so many parts of me that are here, like 0:18:39.480 --> 0:18:42.439 they're you know, there's the little girl who's terrified of 0:18:42.520 --> 0:18:45.240 like getting it wrong, and then there's the protector part 0:18:45.280 --> 0:18:47.760 of me, which is the anxiety of like you know, 0:18:47.880 --> 0:18:50.400 trying to like you know, trying to protect that little 0:18:50.400 --> 0:18:52.560 girl make sure she does everything right. And then there's 0:18:53.080 --> 0:18:55.920 you know, there is self that's here. And I love 0:18:55.960 --> 0:18:58.960 that you I love that you call itself in this 0:18:59.000 --> 0:19:04.600 book because it doesn't seem so far outside of us anymore, 0:19:04.680 --> 0:19:06.920 Like it becomes a piece of who we are because 0:19:06.920 --> 0:19:08.720 I know that you know, we talk a lot about 0:19:08.800 --> 0:19:11.640 the higher we call it higher self. But I almost 0:19:11.640 --> 0:19:15.439 feel like that's even too far out. It's like self 0:19:15.520 --> 0:19:19.280 becomes it becomes a piece of you. And I think, 0:19:19.480 --> 0:19:23.439 you know, when we think about God and spirituality, sometimes 0:19:23.480 --> 0:19:26.080 it feels so far outside of us. And I love 0:19:26.160 --> 0:19:28.960 that self piece. I mean, I know you just talked 0:19:29.000 --> 0:19:33.200 about some of the qualities of self. What's your favorite 0:19:33.320 --> 0:19:37.000 way to get in touch with that piece of you? Oh? 0:19:37.119 --> 0:19:43.280 What a beautiful question. Thank you. Um Well, I believe 0:19:43.320 --> 0:19:49.120 compassion for me is the portal to self because one 0:19:49.160 --> 0:19:51.840 of the ways that I have been able to calm 0:19:51.920 --> 0:19:55.119 and soothe my protector parts, you know, the controller or 0:19:55.280 --> 0:19:57.679 the every one called knives out, like when she feels judged, 0:19:57.680 --> 0:20:01.240 she's like fuck you you know so um or you 0:20:01.240 --> 0:20:03.760 know my former anxiety and you know just you know, 0:20:04.240 --> 0:20:06.280 different all these different parts. Do you have a name 0:20:06.320 --> 0:20:10.560 for your anxiety part? Sorry didn't, um Well, I would 0:20:10.600 --> 0:20:13.600 reference that part as the Tasmanian devil because the visual 0:20:13.720 --> 0:20:16.159 I had, The visual I had was literally just like 0:20:16.200 --> 0:20:19.080 this like spinning demon, you know, just like this devil 0:20:19.200 --> 0:20:21.960 going like like in circles like a tornado. And so 0:20:22.320 --> 0:20:25.879 having those visuals really are helpful because it's about befriending 0:20:25.920 --> 0:20:28.760 and getting to know these parts of ourselves. And then 0:20:28.760 --> 0:20:31.560 when we notice the part, we noticed the part, and 0:20:31.600 --> 0:20:33.600 we just notice what's up in our body when the 0:20:33.640 --> 0:20:36.639 part is there, and we can ask ourselves some questions 0:20:36.680 --> 0:20:38.480 about it. What do I know about this part? You know, 0:20:38.520 --> 0:20:41.400 how old is it? Does it have a gender? Does 0:20:41.440 --> 0:20:43.959 it have something it wants me to know? Right? And 0:20:44.000 --> 0:20:45.800 then we can ask the parts, what do you need? 0:20:46.680 --> 0:20:49.640 What do you need right now? And I mean it's 0:20:49.680 --> 0:20:52.440 it's it's truly profound to have that kind of dialogue. 0:20:52.480 --> 0:20:54.880 And then when I asked the part what it needs, 0:20:54.880 --> 0:20:58.679 it usually says something like I need a hug, or 0:20:58.800 --> 0:21:02.439 I need to breathe, or I need to create a 0:21:02.440 --> 0:21:06.199 boundary right now. And that's when compassion can swoop right 0:21:06.280 --> 0:21:09.240 in and say, you're doing a good job, You're doing 0:21:09.240 --> 0:21:13.960 the best you can. I'm here to help. Let's do 0:21:14.080 --> 0:21:19.520 some let's do some breath, Let's set that boundary, let's 0:21:19.520 --> 0:21:25.200 step back. And God, when you that when you start 0:21:25.240 --> 0:21:28.840 to let that voice of compassion or curiosity or courage, 0:21:29.080 --> 0:21:31.960 when that voice starts to when that presence of self 0:21:32.040 --> 0:21:36.639 starts to lead your internal family system, like all the 0:21:36.680 --> 0:21:39.480 parts of you or your little family. Then you become 0:21:39.480 --> 0:21:43.560 what Dick Shorts called self lead and living in that 0:21:43.640 --> 0:21:47.359 self led ways, living and living living in communication with 0:21:47.440 --> 0:21:52.000 God and living living led by inspiration and intuition and 0:21:52.000 --> 0:21:57.360 and love. I mean, self becomes the greatest parents. That's 0:21:57.400 --> 0:22:01.120 exactly right, that you just nailed it. So self becomes 0:22:01.160 --> 0:22:05.000 the internal parent and so all the things that we 0:22:05.040 --> 0:22:06.800 did not get from our parents. And in fact, there's 0:22:06.800 --> 0:22:10.040 a whole chapter and Happy Days called reparenting yourself. And 0:22:10.160 --> 0:22:13.080 I lean on a lot of these self meditations and 0:22:13.240 --> 0:22:17.719 connecting to self. And the beauty is the more direct 0:22:17.760 --> 0:22:22.280 access that we get to that self energy, the more 0:22:22.440 --> 0:22:26.560 the internal parent can lead m hm. And what that 0:22:26.600 --> 0:22:29.199 does is it takes the pressure off the employees, It 0:22:29.240 --> 0:22:31.040 takes the pressure off the husband, and takes the pressure 0:22:31.080 --> 0:22:32.679 off the parents who just couldn't do it. You know, 0:22:32.680 --> 0:22:35.880 it takes and it allows you to feel fully resourced 0:22:35.920 --> 0:22:40.960 and resilient. Yeah, I know totally. I know one of 0:22:40.960 --> 0:22:43.280 the you just said takes the pressure off the husband 0:22:43.280 --> 0:22:45.919 and the employees. And I know one of the biggest 0:22:45.920 --> 0:22:49.080 shifts for me because I did depend on at a 0:22:49.080 --> 0:22:52.880 certain point my husband and you know, the people around 0:22:52.920 --> 0:22:56.919 me too, to fill me up, and it was like, oh, 0:22:57.400 --> 0:23:00.800 my relationships really started changing when it started to come 0:23:00.800 --> 0:23:02.639 from the inside. Now, don't get me wrong. If I 0:23:02.680 --> 0:23:05.919 need to lean on people, that's absolutely something that I 0:23:06.000 --> 0:23:10.359 do and ask for, but I also know that I'm 0:23:10.400 --> 0:23:13.199 I can be there for myself. And there was a 0:23:13.240 --> 0:23:16.320 point in my life where I'm like I had there 0:23:16.400 --> 0:23:21.080 was no access to me being able to self source 0:23:21.680 --> 0:23:26.359 and that was a huge shift in my relationships. Absolutely, Yeah, 0:23:26.560 --> 0:23:29.360 And the codependent part kept you safe for as long 0:23:29.400 --> 0:23:31.720 as that part did, and that was what that part needed. 0:23:31.800 --> 0:23:34.440 And I I you know, I also want to acknowledge 0:23:34.440 --> 0:23:38.040 that that even when we start to resource and care 0:23:38.080 --> 0:23:42.320 for ourselves, that does not take away the importance of 0:23:42.840 --> 0:23:46.120 the bond to others. You know. I started to study 0:23:46.200 --> 0:23:48.520 attachment science and I write about it in the book 0:23:48.560 --> 0:23:56.400 as well. And the more we establish healthy bonds to partners, lovers, parents, children, 0:23:57.000 --> 0:24:01.840 really not our children to us particularly right those those 0:24:01.840 --> 0:24:07.240 healthy bonds are, particularly in romantic relationships, extraordinary because when 0:24:07.240 --> 0:24:10.760 you have that secure attachment to a partner, it actually 0:24:10.760 --> 0:24:13.720 gives you the freedom to be more creative. It gives 0:24:13.760 --> 0:24:17.639 you the freedom to be taking bigger, more risks and 0:24:18.119 --> 0:24:22.760 be more courageous in life. So attachment is actually our 0:24:22.840 --> 0:24:27.160