Speaker 1: Who baby, my baby, belof I need you, Oh how
Speaker 1: I need you? What to expect? As a production of
Speaker 1: I Heart Radio, I'm your host Heidi Murkoff, and I'm
Speaker 1: a mom on a mission, a mission to help you
Speaker 1: know what to expect every step of the way. You've
Speaker 1: carried your baby for nine months around the clock. You've
Speaker 1: done the heavy lifting of pregnancy and the even heavier
Speaker 1: lift of birthing your baby, and now comes see easy part,
Speaker 1: your reward for all that hard work, bonding with your
Speaker 1: brand new baby. Or is that the easy part? While
Speaker 1: bonding last a lifetime. It doesn't always happen in a
Speaker 1: single magical moment. We expect the experience we see on TV.
Speaker 1: You know, the heavens open up, angels sing. Your baby
Speaker 1: feels as though she were born in your arms. That's
Speaker 1: how comfortable you feel holding her. She looks up at you,
Speaker 1: your eyes lock in a heady gaze, and you're a
Speaker 1: mom in love. And for some moms that's exactly how
Speaker 1: it happens, instantly, magically, But for a lot of moms
Speaker 1: I've talked to, it goes more like this. After a
Speaker 1: long labor and delivery, you're physically and emotionally drained, a wrinkled, puffy,
Speaker 1: red face. Stranger is placed in your arms and she
Speaker 1: won't stop crying. Sure, you relieve that it's over, but
Speaker 1: over the moon, you're just not feeling it, or feeling
Speaker 1: much of a connection to your baby at all. The
Speaker 1: truth is, bonding is not a one size fits all experience.
Speaker 1: Every woman is different and every bonding experience is different,
Speaker 1: And most of the time, normal is what's normal for you.
Speaker 1: So Emma's here with me, and she had her own
Speaker 1: unique bonding experience that I'm sure many of you moms
Speaker 1: out there and dads can relate to. So, Emma, what
Speaker 1: were your expectations? You played with dolls until you were
Speaker 1: I think fourteen, No judgment, no judgment at all. You
Speaker 1: were born to be a mom, much more so than
Speaker 1: than I think I was. So what were your expectations
Speaker 1: and what ended up being your reality? Well, first of all,
Speaker 1: it's really comforting to know that my mom isn't sure
Speaker 1: she was born to be a mom. Well, I I've
Speaker 1: more than made up for it. But for the record,
Speaker 1: for the record, it's it's funny because I mean I
Speaker 1: kind of assumed I would be a mom, but I
Speaker 1: never actually, you know, set my sights to it. It
Speaker 1: was somethin that was going to happen eventually and then
Speaker 1: but when it happened, I had never held a baby before.
Speaker 1: It was not something that I was necessarily prepared for.
Speaker 1: How about you. For me, it was a little bit
Speaker 1: of a tough experience because I had literally the whole
Speaker 1: world rooting for me, and I felt like I was
Speaker 1: running a marathon with people like high fiving me the
Speaker 1: whole entire way. My pregnancy with Lennox was announced in
Speaker 1: Times Square. It was on all the news tickers at
Speaker 1: the bottom of it, like CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, everywhere
Speaker 1: daily everyone was covering my pregnancy. It's a lot of pressure,
Speaker 1: especially when it's your first pregnancy, because you were you
Speaker 1: were the baby who started what to expect right your
Speaker 1: mom was what to expect. It kind of come full circle.
Speaker 1: I thought when I gave birth, it would be like
Speaker 1: a Hallmark movie. I would look beautiful. First of all,
Speaker 1: it was not a good time when I was giving birth.
Speaker 1: Was not a Hallmark movie. My expectations, I guess we're
Speaker 1: not fulfilled. With Lennox, I fell in love pretty fast.
Speaker 1: I was like, Wow, I love this baby. But then
Speaker 1: my whole experience with breastbeating kind of took me away
Speaker 1: from that. One of my favorite stories about Lennox's birth,
Speaker 1: and I don't even think I heard this until later,
Speaker 1: but the nurse ended you Lennox, and you have this
Speaker 1: like panicked look on your face and said, what do
Speaker 1: I do now? And she said, I just love him.
Speaker 1: That's my favorite story of a love that. I said,
Speaker 1: what do I do? What do I do? She's like,
Speaker 1: just love him? And I did. And if there was
Speaker 1: ever the right thing said to somebody the moment, that
Speaker 1: was totally totally perfect. It was so perfect, and and
Speaker 1: that that sort of helped you make that connect kind
Speaker 1: of could breathe. Yeah, because all you really have to
Speaker 1: do is love your baby. But does that always happen? Done?
Speaker 1: Dune done. Yeah. So with your your second baby with Seby,
Speaker 1: you were so excited, you know, about the pregnancy with Simon,
Speaker 1: because I had a man that I was in love
Speaker 1: with who was a partner. It was a different experience
Speaker 1: and so but ironically was it a better experience the
Speaker 1: pregnancy yes, mm hmm. But then I remember Sebastian came
Speaker 1: five weeks early, so during my labor, I was freaking out,
Speaker 1: not only because I was concerned about my older son
Speaker 1: feeling like I was ruining his life, but also the
Speaker 1: fact that something could be wrong with my baby. He's
Speaker 1: coming way too early, so I was stressing about that.
Speaker 1: I wasn't having the opportunity to fully like embrace what
Speaker 1: was happening. You were across the damn country on a
Speaker 1: plane back, but we made it back at ten centimeters.
Speaker 1: We did it. I literally had like all these things,
Speaker 1: all these obstacles, So I remember so clearly when they
Speaker 1: gave me the baby and they put him in my arms,
Speaker 1: I was literally thinking, Okay, can someone take him away.
Speaker 1: I don't want to hold him. I don't want him.
Speaker 1: And that's a really hard pill to swallow. That's a
Speaker 1: really horrible experience. You didn't feel that same Did you
Speaker 1: cry with Lennox? Cry? Both of them? But I think
Speaker 1: that was just like a natural body action to pushing
Speaker 1: out a giant head. Yeah, but when he was born,
Speaker 1: you didn't feel that much of anything. I didn't feel
Speaker 1: that initial bond that I think that I was expecting
Speaker 1: to feel. And it was my second rodeo, so I knew,
Speaker 1: I guess eventually I would feel it, but in that moment,
Speaker 1: I was like, can I do backseas I don't want
Speaker 1: And then they actually took him because he was a prey.
Speaker 1: I was relieved in a sense because I didn't have
Speaker 1: to hold him and take care of him because his
Speaker 1: lungs weren't fully developed. They brought him to the nick
Speaker 1: you and I think that was also detrimental to my
Speaker 1: bonding experience because I didn't get that skin to skin.
Speaker 1: I didn't get that one on one feeling with him
Speaker 1: where it was just like the two of us. Even
Speaker 1: though he's been in me for seven months. We had
Speaker 1: that bond, But the second he was out of me,
Speaker 1: that bond like evaporated. M Every mom responds differently to
Speaker 1: the birth of her baby, and truthfully, like, I don't
Speaker 1: happy cry. So I didn't cry when any of the
Speaker 1: babies were born. Not Mary, I didn't cry when you
Speaker 1: got married. I was super happy, but I didn't cry.
Speaker 1: But what about your emotions? Okay, that's a very different situation.
Speaker 1: I'm a crier. I'm a happy crier. I cried, but
Speaker 1: it was more like a whale like FML helped me
Speaker 1: kind of cry, like I don't know, I don't want
Speaker 1: it any more. Moment. It wasn't like a happy cry,
Speaker 1: which you see a lot of people you know, on
Speaker 1: TV or movies when they get birth their happy crying.
Speaker 1: It's like a beautiful, organic moment, and mine was like
Speaker 1: a fml moment. Honestly. Also, you you had this fear
Speaker 1: all throughout your pregnancy with Zebby that you were going
Speaker 1: to ruin Lennox's life. Lennox was five already, you had
Speaker 1: spent so many years alone with him, and here comes
Speaker 1: another baby. So how did that affect your bonding with Seby.
Speaker 1: I was a single mom for a long time. I
Speaker 1: didn't have a great relationship with my ex husband when
Speaker 1: we were married, he was never home. So I write
Speaker 1: Lennox was like my best friend, my partner in life,
Speaker 1: my partner in crime, everything. So for me, I think
Speaker 1: it was a little different than maybe other moms because
Speaker 1: we had the super intense bond. I had met my
Speaker 1: current husband, ever husband, only three months after we met.
Speaker 1: We got engaged. A few weeks later, I got pregnant.
Speaker 1: I got pregnant after knowing him for four months. And
Speaker 1: so Lennox got thrown into this, and then he got
Speaker 1: thrown into that. And even though Simon's literally the best
Speaker 1: husband and father in the universe. So honestly, I was
Speaker 1: feeling an immense guilt about what I was doing to him,
Speaker 1: although in the end it turned out that it was
Speaker 1: the best thing that's ever happened to him. When I
Speaker 1: was having horrible postpartum depression, it was not good. And
Speaker 1: didn't you feel like you were letting Simon down? This
Speaker 1: was his first baby and he wanted to celebrate. He
Speaker 1: was so happy he was bonding with the baby. That
Speaker 1: was probably for me the hardest thing, because all I
Speaker 1: wanted my entire life was to have this happy, close knit,
Speaker 1: perfect little family, and I finally had it, and I
Speaker 1: didn't care, and I felt so guilty because he was
Speaker 1: over the moon. He was taking care of the baby
Speaker 1: when I didn't want the baby near me. He was
Speaker 1: changing diapers, he got up with the baby. I was
Speaker 1: just want to sleep. My rock bottom point was when
Speaker 1: we were driving and I said to myself, if we
Speaker 1: crash and I die, I'm happy. I don't care. That
Speaker 1: was my rock bottom. That's that's postpartum depression. That was horrible. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I had horrible postparm depression, and that that complicates the
Speaker 1: whole bonding absolutely, But I think that it was embarrassing
Speaker 1: that I had had this wish my whole entire life
Speaker 1: and I got it, and then I I didn't appreciate it.
Speaker 1: And that's also feels bad when you don't appreciate something
Speaker 1: that people would kill for. People want babies, And then
Speaker 1: I have this other baby that I conceived naturally in Vegas.
Speaker 1: What happens in Vegas doesn't stay in Vegas. No, it
Speaker 1: does not. And I had it and it it just
Speaker 1: wasn't what I wanted in that moment, and it was
Speaker 1: awful and it was embarrassing. I felt I felt embarrassed
Speaker 1: that I didn't feel a bond. Everyone kept asking on
Speaker 1: an Instagram like, oh, my gosh, you must be so
Speaker 1: happy your baby's here. My gosh, how happy are you?
Speaker 1: How much do you love him? You know, it's a
Speaker 1: social media is a mixed blessing because it gives you
Speaker 1: that support when you need it, but it also increases
Speaker 1: the pressure that you already have too much of. But
Speaker 1: you know, looking back, what do you wish you knew
Speaker 1: about bonding with your babies? I think that to know
Speaker 1: that it does get better, it's not permanent. I was
Speaker 1: so far gone, and you know, with my first one.
Speaker 1: I think that if I had a magic ball to
Speaker 1: look into the future, site Emma, You'll be okay. I
Speaker 1: think I would have trusted that. But with postpartment depression,
Speaker 1: you can't. You can't. You're not thinking, you're not You're
Speaker 1: not rational, and it's not your fault. This is your fault. Nope,
Speaker 1: And I can say that you do come out the
Speaker 1: other end. Those clouds do pass. And I finally met
Speaker 1: my baby when he was around five six weeks and
Speaker 1: it was the best meeting of my life. And by
Speaker 1: by meeting, you mean that you actually made that love connection.
Speaker 1: I made that love connection. And now looking at him,
Speaker 1: he's just turned too and I'm like, I love you
Speaker 1: so much, I want to eat you. And and I
Speaker 1: did get that feeling which I didn't have. Moms feel
Speaker 1: guilt for everything, but I feel guilt now because I
Speaker 1: hated him. You have to give up the guilt, you
Speaker 1: have to let it go. Nom that's true. It comes
Speaker 1: with the mom. Isn't the mom job description? So guilty
Speaker 1: for everything? I think you said that bonding it's not
Speaker 1: a marathon, right, This is what I've gathered. When it
Speaker 1: comes to bonding, It's not a sprint. It's not a marathon.
Speaker 1: It's a jog, you know. Sometimes sometimes it's a brisk walk,
Speaker 1: you know, or a stroll, a stroll, a leisurely stroll.
Speaker 1: But you'll get there eventually, you know. And I think
Speaker 1: it's also important to keep in mind that there's not
Speaker 1: really a finish line because like everything in parenting, it's
Speaker 1: a process. You know, it's a process that takes a lifetime.
Speaker 1: There's ebbs and flows and ups and downs. Let's take
Speaker 1: a break and when we come back, we're breaking down
Speaker 1: what to expect when you're bonding with your baby. Okay, mom,
Speaker 1: So these are the biggest questions about what to expect
Speaker 1: when it comes to bonding. Can you explain bonding physiologically
Speaker 1: and psychologically? So mother nature does help you become a
Speaker 1: mom and a lot of obvious ways, but in a
Speaker 1: lot of ways she can leave you hanging. That hormone oxytose,
Speaker 1: and you may have heard of that. It's pretty standard issue.
Speaker 1: It's the love hormone, the bonding hormone, and in theory
Speaker 1: that should do the trick. So it's all physiological, right,
Speaker 1: So out pops the baby in floods, the maternal love
Speaker 1: and all of those instincts you've heard about. Dogs and
Speaker 1: puppies know exactly what to do, Lion moms and cubs
Speaker 1: know what to do. So aren't those instincts supposed to
Speaker 1: kick right in? That's what we hear. It's incredible how
Speaker 1: in nature it seems to be so so easy and precise,
Speaker 1: but in humans it's a little more complicated. So this
Speaker 1: love hormone oxytocin your body makes it during pregnancy and
Speaker 1: especially after delivery, and sometimes they give you a shot
Speaker 1: of it to help speed the contractions of your uterus
Speaker 1: after birth, so it can come back down to size.
Speaker 1: And in theory, it's supposed to open your heart as
Speaker 1: soon as your baby is on your chest and fill
Speaker 1: it all the way up to the brim with love. Right,
Speaker 1: That's what we always hear. But emotional and physical factors
Speaker 1: can obviously interfere with that love connection. So if you
Speaker 1: have a traumatic delivery or an emergency c section, or
Speaker 1: maybe you had an early birth that you just weren't
Speaker 1: prepared for and baby has to be rushed to the
Speaker 1: nike you or maybe you're just not feeling it because
Speaker 1: you're tired and you're overwhelmed. That was certainly the case
Speaker 1: with me, and bonding ultimately happens, but it takes different
Speaker 1: forms and it follows different timelines, So it's different different
Speaker 1: ways of expressing your emotions. You know, even if you
Speaker 1: have those emotions right away, you're not necessarily going to
Speaker 1: express them in the same way. We're conditioned to expect
Speaker 1: things to happen, to go down with a happy cry,
Speaker 1: with the flood of love and instincts, but it doesn't
Speaker 1: necessarily happen the same way in different moms. Okay, So
Speaker 1: what happens if you can't bond right away with your baby?
Speaker 1: What if they have to go to the Nike you
Speaker 1: or you have an issue delivering and you need some
Speaker 1: medical attention. What happens then? And that happens a lot.
Speaker 1: Twelve percent of bursts in the US are pre term,
Speaker 1: but also babies who are full term can end up
Speaker 1: in the Nike you, you know, especially after a c section.
Speaker 1: So for whatever reason that you can't be together right
Speaker 1: from the start, and it could just be that you're
Speaker 1: so so tired that you need somebody to take your
Speaker 1: baby just for a minute so you can get some rest.
Speaker 1: But there's plenty of time to make up for that.
Speaker 1: There's a lifetime of loving ahead of you, and a
Speaker 1: late start doesn't mean that you've necessarily lost that opportunity
Speaker 1: anymore than a head start. Like I had that head start,
Speaker 1: I snuggled you at my breast and and it still
Speaker 1: didn't necessarily seal the deal right away. But and what's
Speaker 1: great now instead of just being holed up in their
Speaker 1: isolate babies in the Nike, you are, once they're stable,
Speaker 1: are able to do skin to skin even the tiniest
Speaker 1: little premies can do and guru care if you keep
Speaker 1: your baby close to you and snuggle your baby. And
Speaker 1: that's whether the baby is pre term or full term
Speaker 1: doesn't matter. That skin to skin contact is so beneficial.
Speaker 1: It helps baby grow and develop. It leads to better
Speaker 1: sleep and better feeds. So that's something you can do
Speaker 1: at any point. And it may take more effort if
Speaker 1: your baby's in the NIKEW or you're not together right
Speaker 1: from the start, but it can definitely happen, and it
Speaker 1: will happen, I promise you will happen. So how can
Speaker 1: bonding start before the baby is born? How can you
Speaker 1: get a little head start on that action? So the
Speaker 1: great thing that we know now we didn't always know this.
Speaker 1: Once in a while, I would feel completely stupid talking
Speaker 1: to my belly when I was pregnant with you and put.
Speaker 1: The interesting thing is that babies can hear from the
Speaker 1: six months in utero. So when you to your baby,
Speaker 1: you sing to your baby, they hear voices that are
Speaker 1: outside of you, outside the uterus, So they'll hear dad talking,
Speaker 1: they'll hear an older sibling talking, they'll hear the damn
Speaker 1: neighbor's dog barking. And as a result, babies are accustomed
Speaker 1: to the sounds that they've heard in their environment. So
Speaker 1: if your baby has heard, you know, sirens screeching all
Speaker 1: the time, because you live in New York City like
Speaker 1: you did, they don't startle as much as babies who
Speaker 1: have never heard them before, who live in like a
Speaker 1: peaceful little country village. But you can start bonding with
Speaker 1: your baby by rubbing your belly. Your baby can actually
Speaker 1: feel that, and they might even respond with a little kick.
Speaker 1: And when you feel your baby kick, you know, just
Speaker 1: give that little foot or that little butt a little
Speaker 1: massage and that it's so cute, And that's the beginning
Speaker 1: of bonding. It's the beginning of bonding for an older sibling.
Speaker 1: If they rub your ellie or talk silly to the baby,
Speaker 1: that's the beginning of bonding for them too. That's important
Speaker 1: to keep in mind that even from the very start,
Speaker 1: you can get close to your baby, make that love connection.
Speaker 1: I think a lot of moms feel pressured to do
Speaker 1: the extra stuff, you know, the super stimulating extra stuff.
Speaker 1: But it's really tis yeah, but it's but it's so
Speaker 1: not about that. It's about the basics. It's about the
Speaker 1: skin to skin, it's about snuggling and cuddling, it's about
Speaker 1: all kinds of touch. Massage. Baby massage is a great
Speaker 1: way to relax your baby, but also to relax you
Speaker 1: when you feel stressed. And talking to your baby, singing
Speaker 1: to your baby just like you did when you were pregnant,
Speaker 1: and even reading to a newborn. A lot of people
Speaker 1: say read to a newborn. Newborns don't understand what you're reading,
Speaker 1: will neither do bellies. But it's good for both of you.
Speaker 1: It helps develop that bond as well as the love
Speaker 1: of reading. Ultimately, that's the goal. Wearing your baby. There's
Speaker 1: actually research that shows that babies who are worn more
Speaker 1: cry less, and I would say the reverse is true,
Speaker 1: that their moms cry less because they're having that close
Speaker 1: connection that suites your baby because your baby is used
Speaker 1: to hearing your heartbeat in utero. But research has actually
Speaker 1: shown that it minimizes postpartum depression. It's not necessarily a
Speaker 1: treatment for postpartum depression, but it can definitely help. Another
Speaker 1: way to bond with your baby right from the start
Speaker 1: is eye contact. That's so simple. Just looking at your
Speaker 1: baby instead of your phone ps can make all the
Speaker 1: difference because your baby is looking, your baby is looking
Speaker 1: back at you and not necessarily responding. That's what makes
Speaker 1: bonding initially so challenging for lots of moms. And we
Speaker 1: heard the mom who said until they started to form personalities,
Speaker 1: or I've heard a lot of the time. When my
Speaker 1: baby started smiling, that's when I started to feel that connection,
Speaker 1: because it's really hard to connect with a little someone
Speaker 1: who just makes all kinds of demands but never actually
Speaker 1: responds in any way besides crying. And once they start
Speaker 1: making those connections with their eyes by cooling, by smiling,
Speaker 1: that can make really all the all the difference. What
Speaker 1: are some ways that a dad can bond with their baby. Well,
Speaker 1: in fact, it's all the same ways. For Dad's, pregnancy
Speaker 1: is more of an abstract concept, even more than it
Speaker 1: is for us. And it's pretty abstract for us, right
Speaker 1: we're carrying a baby around for nine months, but you know,
Speaker 1: you feel a kick, those kinds of things, but it's
Speaker 1: really hard to believe there's a baby inside of you,
Speaker 1: you know, when you see the ultrasounds. Yeah, maybe so,
Speaker 1: but it's a stretch. And then for dads who don't
Speaker 1: do that heavy lifting, who don't feel the kicks from within,
Speaker 1: they feel them on the outside, but it's not the same,
Speaker 1: definitely not the same. It becomes hard to do bonding
Speaker 1: until they do that initial skin to skin. And I
Speaker 1: gotta tell you, there's nothing that a mom can do
Speaker 1: that a dad can't do just as well, if not better,
Speaker 1: given the opportunity, and skin to skin right from the
Speaker 1: start is the first of many, many, many opportunities because
Speaker 1: Dad's release oxytocin. A few people realize this, but Dad's
Speaker 1: experienced hormonal changes during pregnancy, so they experienced the surges
Speaker 1: and estrogen and the drop in testosterone, and that is
Speaker 1: nature's way of bringing out the nurture and the male
Speaker 1: of the species. It happens all throughout the animal kingdom
Speaker 1: is partially the hormones, but it's also getting close with
Speaker 1: your baby. The snuggles, the talking, the singing, the eye
Speaker 1: contact that helps dad's release that oxytocin, that bonding hormone.
Speaker 1: My husband said that he knew I was pregnant, but
Speaker 1: until he like saw his child being born, it didn't
Speaker 1: hit him. It didn't know. And unfortunately be has Sebastian
Speaker 1: went to the nick you Simon wasn't even allowed to
Speaker 1: hold him for a few days, but when he did,
Speaker 1: he was so excited to do skin to skin. But
Speaker 1: he got to experience that and you know, bond with
Speaker 1: him and that bond with him, and that was really special.
Speaker 1: So I think that's really important to do. Dad's can
Speaker 1: bond with the best of the moms. He bonded better
Speaker 1: than I did. Yeah, and in fact your father did
Speaker 1: as well. But it just it shows the power of
Speaker 1: dad's bonding potential that it's not just moms who can
Speaker 1: bond with their babies, far from it, but also people
Speaker 1: who adopt their children. They bond with their babies. So
Speaker 1: it doesn't necessarily matter if you gave birth to the
Speaker 1: baby exactly, and it can happen at birth or it
Speaker 1: can happen. You know, you adopt your baby, when your
Speaker 1: babies three months ago still bond and when week come back.
Speaker 1: It's helped me, Heidi. And now it's time for help me, Heidi.
Speaker 1: We're all answer you're pressing pregnancy and parenting questions, no
Speaker 1: holds barred, no filter allowed, t am I, no such thing.
Speaker 1: We're all moms here or dad's and chances are if
Speaker 1: you have this question, other parents do too. You are
Speaker 1: not alone, Emma who needs help today? Okay, So this
Speaker 1: comes from a brand new mom who says she's struggling
Speaker 1: to bond with her brand new little one girl. I
Speaker 1: feel you, she writes, I just had my baby, a
Speaker 1: baby that I was so looking forward to having, and
Speaker 1: I totally don't feel like a mother to her. I'm
Speaker 1: certainly not bonding with my baby like I thought I would. Well,
Speaker 1: this definitely could have been me. I think it was me.
Speaker 1: I remember coming home from the hospital, but all walking
Speaker 1: through the front door of our little apartment with you
Speaker 1: in my arms, and suddenly realizing they gave me this
Speaker 1: baby to take home. Why would they do that? What
Speaker 1: were they thinking? And I was looking around for the
Speaker 1: instructions and I couldn't find them. I hadn't written the
Speaker 1: book yet. I remember my first Mother's Day so vividly. Emma.
Speaker 1: You were about a month old, maybe a little bit less,
Speaker 1: and we went out to brunch with the grandparents, and
Speaker 1: I realized, suddenly, wait a second, this is Mother's Day,
Speaker 1: and I'm a mother too. But it was such a disconnect,
Speaker 1: it was so strange, it was so implausible. I saw
Speaker 1: my mother as a mother, I saw my mother in
Speaker 1: law as a mother. But what about me? Why did
Speaker 1: I not feel like a mother? So I feel this mom.
Speaker 1: Sometimes it's a matter of experience, or of course lack
Speaker 1: of it, which was definitely the case for me. You
Speaker 1: got to remember, this is the only job, and definitely
Speaker 1: the hardest job, that you get no training for, zero
Speaker 1: training for. Boom babies dropped in your arms, and you're
Speaker 1: suddenly supposed to know exactly what to do and how
Speaker 1: to do it. Now. Sometimes moms who have had a
Speaker 1: lot of experience with babies, because they're older siblings, or
Speaker 1: they have nieces or nephews, or they did a lot
Speaker 1: of babysitting, they feel more comfortable grabbing the mommy mantle.
Speaker 1: But not me, because I never did any babysitting, And
Speaker 1: in fact, the first time I held a baby in
Speaker 1: my arms was the first time I held Emma in
Speaker 1: my arms. And it takes time. Sometimes it just takes time.
Speaker 1: It's a process. Getting to know your baby is a
Speaker 1: process starting to get your baby, knowing what each cry
Speaker 1: means and how to tell the difference and how to
Speaker 1: respond because at first they all found the same. All
Speaker 1: those cries sound the same, but they all mean something different,
Speaker 1: and that's something you start to get. And then you
Speaker 1: start feeling confident breastfeeding or burping or rocking, and you
Speaker 1: start getting your mom legs. And even if it's love
Speaker 1: at first sight at first snuggle, and especially if it
Speaker 1: isn't and if you don't click instantly for whatever reason,
Speaker 1: and there are lots of reasons why you might not
Speaker 1: make that instant love connection, it can take weeks to
Speaker 1: feel legit. As a mom. That crumbling of confidence can
Speaker 1: leave you feeling less than, especially because there's so much
Speaker 1: pressure on us to feel something more than even though
Speaker 1: to your baby, and this is true, to your baby,
Speaker 1: you're the best mom he or she has ever had. Really, literally,
Speaker 1: as long as you feel a gradually deepening connection, you're
Speaker 1: starting to feel attached a little more. Day by day,
Speaker 1: night after night, you will get there, and before you
Speaker 1: know it, you will be rewarded by that first smile,
Speaker 1: that first coup meant just for you, and that will
Speaker 1: tell you all you need to know. While you're waiting
Speaker 1: for that love connection where your baby, do skin to
Speaker 1: skin with your baby every chance you get both of
Speaker 1: these released the bonding hormone that we talked about oxytocin,
Speaker 1: make eye contact with your baby. And like I always say,
Speaker 1: and this is my best advice of all, stop and
Speaker 1: smell the baby, because they don't smell that sweet forever.
Speaker 1: And you'll suddenly if you stop and you pause and
Speaker 1: you just look in your baby's eyes, you'll suddenly realize
Speaker 1: that baby in your arms is actually yours. Now. That said,
Speaker 1: if you don't feel gradually more connected, if you feel
Speaker 1: deeply anxious, or or if you feel sad or angry
Speaker 1: or disconnected with your baby, call your doctor or midwife
Speaker 1: or the pediatrician and get screened for postpartum depression or
Speaker 1: another postpartum mood disorder right away. Don't wait for me.
Speaker 1: It was close to six weeks before I could look
Speaker 1: at myself in the mirror and actually see a mom.
Speaker 1: And even then, because there was colic involved, it took
Speaker 1: me a lot longer to look in the mirror and
Speaker 1: see a mom who actually loved being a mom. So
Speaker 1: give yourself and your baby time and definitely cut yourself
Speaker 1: a lot of slack. Lower that bar, then lower it
Speaker 1: some more. Don't put pressure on yourself to perform as
Speaker 1: a mom. There's way too much pressure on mom's anyway.
Speaker 1: Remember there is no such thing as a perfect mom,
Speaker 1: only human moms, which we all are. Who babylf my,
Speaker 1: baby loof? I need you, Oh how I need you.
Speaker 1: Thanks for listening. Remember I'm always here for you. What
Speaker 1: to Expect is always here for you. We're all in
Speaker 1: this together. For more on what you heard on today's episode,
Speaker 1: visit what to Expect dot com slash podcasts. You can
Speaker 1: also check out What to Expect when You're Expecting, What
Speaker 1: to Expect the First Year, and the What to Expect app.
Speaker 1: And we want to hear from you. Connect with us
Speaker 1: on our community message board or on our social media.
Speaker 1: You can find me at Heidi Murkoff and Emma at
Speaker 1: Emma bing w t E and of course at What
Speaker 1: to Expect. Baby Love is performed by Riley Peterer. What
Speaker 1: to Expect is a production of I Heart Radio From
Speaker 1: more shows from I heart Radio check out the I
Speaker 1: heart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to
Speaker 1: your favorite shows. In my Arms, what Don't Just Stay?
Speaker 1: Leja Needa, Baby Baby, Who