1 00:00:00,240 --> 00:00:08,440 Speaker 1: Who baby, my baby, belof I need you, Oh how 2 00:00:08,760 --> 00:00:13,000 Speaker 1: I need you? What to expect? As a production of 3 00:00:13,119 --> 00:00:17,119 Speaker 1: I Heart Radio, I'm your host Heidi Murkoff, and I'm 4 00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:19,760 Speaker 1: a mom on a mission, a mission to help you 5 00:00:19,800 --> 00:00:25,319 Speaker 1: know what to expect every step of the way. You've 6 00:00:25,440 --> 00:00:29,920 Speaker 1: carried your baby for nine months around the clock. You've 7 00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:33,360 Speaker 1: done the heavy lifting of pregnancy and the even heavier 8 00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:37,800 Speaker 1: lift of birthing your baby, and now comes see easy part, 9 00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:42,599 Speaker 1: your reward for all that hard work, bonding with your 10 00:00:42,680 --> 00:00:46,760 Speaker 1: brand new baby. Or is that the easy part? While 11 00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:50,800 Speaker 1: bonding last a lifetime. It doesn't always happen in a 12 00:00:50,880 --> 00:00:56,200 Speaker 1: single magical moment. We expect the experience we see on TV. 13 00:00:56,720 --> 00:01:00,360 Speaker 1: You know, the heavens open up, angels sing. Your baby 14 00:01:00,440 --> 00:01:03,480 Speaker 1: feels as though she were born in your arms. That's 15 00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:08,000 Speaker 1: how comfortable you feel holding her. She looks up at you, 16 00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:10,880 Speaker 1: your eyes lock in a heady gaze, and you're a 17 00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:15,400 Speaker 1: mom in love. And for some moms that's exactly how 18 00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:19,280 Speaker 1: it happens, instantly, magically, But for a lot of moms 19 00:01:19,319 --> 00:01:22,800 Speaker 1: I've talked to, it goes more like this. After a 20 00:01:22,880 --> 00:01:29,080 Speaker 1: long labor and delivery, you're physically and emotionally drained, a wrinkled, puffy, 21 00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:32,200 Speaker 1: red face. Stranger is placed in your arms and she 22 00:01:32,280 --> 00:01:36,560 Speaker 1: won't stop crying. Sure, you relieve that it's over, but 23 00:01:36,760 --> 00:01:40,640 Speaker 1: over the moon, you're just not feeling it, or feeling 24 00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:44,120 Speaker 1: much of a connection to your baby at all. The 25 00:01:44,200 --> 00:01:48,760 Speaker 1: truth is, bonding is not a one size fits all experience. 26 00:01:49,160 --> 00:01:53,680 Speaker 1: Every woman is different and every bonding experience is different, 27 00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:58,520 Speaker 1: And most of the time, normal is what's normal for you. 28 00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:02,000 Speaker 1: So Emma's here with me, and she had her own 29 00:02:02,120 --> 00:02:05,480 Speaker 1: unique bonding experience that I'm sure many of you moms 30 00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:09,240 Speaker 1: out there and dads can relate to. So, Emma, what 31 00:02:09,320 --> 00:02:12,120 Speaker 1: were your expectations? You played with dolls until you were 32 00:02:12,639 --> 00:02:17,520 Speaker 1: I think fourteen, No judgment, no judgment at all. You 33 00:02:17,639 --> 00:02:20,160 Speaker 1: were born to be a mom, much more so than 34 00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:24,359 Speaker 1: than I think I was. So what were your expectations 35 00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:27,840 Speaker 1: and what ended up being your reality? Well, first of all, 36 00:02:27,840 --> 00:02:30,679 Speaker 1: it's really comforting to know that my mom isn't sure 37 00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:34,079 Speaker 1: she was born to be a mom. Well, I I've 38 00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:37,880 Speaker 1: more than made up for it. But for the record, 39 00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:40,640 Speaker 1: for the record, it's it's funny because I mean I 40 00:02:40,720 --> 00:02:42,520 Speaker 1: kind of assumed I would be a mom, but I 41 00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:45,679 Speaker 1: never actually, you know, set my sights to it. It 42 00:02:45,760 --> 00:02:48,880 Speaker 1: was somethin that was going to happen eventually and then 43 00:02:48,919 --> 00:02:51,320 Speaker 1: but when it happened, I had never held a baby before. 44 00:02:51,480 --> 00:02:55,040 Speaker 1: It was not something that I was necessarily prepared for. 45 00:02:55,160 --> 00:02:59,040 Speaker 1: How about you. For me, it was a little bit 46 00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:04,399 Speaker 1: of a tough experience because I had literally the whole 47 00:03:04,440 --> 00:03:06,320 Speaker 1: world rooting for me, and I felt like I was 48 00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:09,080 Speaker 1: running a marathon with people like high fiving me the 49 00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:12,120 Speaker 1: whole entire way. My pregnancy with Lennox was announced in 50 00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:16,000 Speaker 1: Times Square. It was on all the news tickers at 51 00:03:16,040 --> 00:03:19,120 Speaker 1: the bottom of it, like CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, everywhere 52 00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:23,040 Speaker 1: daily everyone was covering my pregnancy. It's a lot of pressure, 53 00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:26,400 Speaker 1: especially when it's your first pregnancy, because you were you 54 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:29,200 Speaker 1: were the baby who started what to expect right your 55 00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:32,720 Speaker 1: mom was what to expect. It kind of come full circle. 56 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:34,600 Speaker 1: I thought when I gave birth, it would be like 57 00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:37,600 Speaker 1: a Hallmark movie. I would look beautiful. First of all, 58 00:03:38,560 --> 00:03:40,280 Speaker 1: it was not a good time when I was giving birth. 59 00:03:40,360 --> 00:03:43,560 Speaker 1: Was not a Hallmark movie. My expectations, I guess we're 60 00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:47,920 Speaker 1: not fulfilled. With Lennox, I fell in love pretty fast. 61 00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:49,960 Speaker 1: I was like, Wow, I love this baby. But then 62 00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:52,520 Speaker 1: my whole experience with breastbeating kind of took me away 63 00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:56,200 Speaker 1: from that. One of my favorite stories about Lennox's birth, 64 00:03:56,600 --> 00:03:58,680 Speaker 1: and I don't even think I heard this until later, 65 00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:02,920 Speaker 1: but the nurse ended you Lennox, and you have this 66 00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:05,880 Speaker 1: like panicked look on your face and said, what do 67 00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:08,839 Speaker 1: I do now? And she said, I just love him. 68 00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:12,560 Speaker 1: That's my favorite story of a love that. I said, 69 00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:14,400 Speaker 1: what do I do? What do I do? She's like, 70 00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:16,800 Speaker 1: just love him? And I did. And if there was 71 00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:20,160 Speaker 1: ever the right thing said to somebody the moment, that 72 00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:24,280 Speaker 1: was totally totally perfect. It was so perfect, and and 73 00:04:24,320 --> 00:04:27,720 Speaker 1: that that sort of helped you make that connect kind 74 00:04:27,760 --> 00:04:30,120 Speaker 1: of could breathe. Yeah, because all you really have to 75 00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:34,960 Speaker 1: do is love your baby. But does that always happen? Done? 76 00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:42,160 Speaker 1: Dune done. Yeah. So with your your second baby with Seby, 77 00:04:42,360 --> 00:04:46,360 Speaker 1: you were so excited, you know, about the pregnancy with Simon, 78 00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:48,640 Speaker 1: because I had a man that I was in love 79 00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:52,839 Speaker 1: with who was a partner. It was a different experience 80 00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:57,880 Speaker 1: and so but ironically was it a better experience the 81 00:04:57,920 --> 00:05:03,640 Speaker 1: pregnancy yes, mm hmm. But then I remember Sebastian came 82 00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:08,800 Speaker 1: five weeks early, so during my labor, I was freaking out, 83 00:05:09,320 --> 00:05:12,520 Speaker 1: not only because I was concerned about my older son 84 00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:15,039 Speaker 1: feeling like I was ruining his life, but also the 85 00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:17,800 Speaker 1: fact that something could be wrong with my baby. He's 86 00:05:17,839 --> 00:05:20,600 Speaker 1: coming way too early, so I was stressing about that. 87 00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:24,359 Speaker 1: I wasn't having the opportunity to fully like embrace what 88 00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:27,440 Speaker 1: was happening. You were across the damn country on a 89 00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:30,560 Speaker 1: plane back, but we made it back at ten centimeters. 90 00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:33,719 Speaker 1: We did it. I literally had like all these things, 91 00:05:33,839 --> 00:05:37,880 Speaker 1: all these obstacles, So I remember so clearly when they 92 00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:41,479 Speaker 1: gave me the baby and they put him in my arms, 93 00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:44,880 Speaker 1: I was literally thinking, Okay, can someone take him away. 94 00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:47,120 Speaker 1: I don't want to hold him. I don't want him. 95 00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:49,440 Speaker 1: And that's a really hard pill to swallow. That's a 96 00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:54,400 Speaker 1: really horrible experience. You didn't feel that same Did you 97 00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:57,560 Speaker 1: cry with Lennox? Cry? Both of them? But I think 98 00:05:57,600 --> 00:06:01,279 Speaker 1: that was just like a natural body action to pushing 99 00:06:01,279 --> 00:06:05,240 Speaker 1: out a giant head. Yeah, but when he was born, 100 00:06:05,279 --> 00:06:08,279 Speaker 1: you didn't feel that much of anything. I didn't feel 101 00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:11,680 Speaker 1: that initial bond that I think that I was expecting 102 00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:15,159 Speaker 1: to feel. And it was my second rodeo, so I knew, 103 00:06:15,880 --> 00:06:19,159 Speaker 1: I guess eventually I would feel it, but in that moment, 104 00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:22,000 Speaker 1: I was like, can I do backseas I don't want 105 00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:26,480 Speaker 1: And then they actually took him because he was a prey. 106 00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:29,800 Speaker 1: I was relieved in a sense because I didn't have 107 00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:32,200 Speaker 1: to hold him and take care of him because his 108 00:06:32,279 --> 00:06:34,360 Speaker 1: lungs weren't fully developed. They brought him to the nick 109 00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:36,640 Speaker 1: you and I think that was also detrimental to my 110 00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:40,080 Speaker 1: bonding experience because I didn't get that skin to skin. 111 00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:43,440 Speaker 1: I didn't get that one on one feeling with him 112 00:06:43,440 --> 00:06:45,600 Speaker 1: where it was just like the two of us. Even 113 00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:48,599 Speaker 1: though he's been in me for seven months. We had 114 00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:50,800 Speaker 1: that bond, But the second he was out of me, 115 00:06:50,880 --> 00:06:55,880 Speaker 1: that bond like evaporated. M Every mom responds differently to 116 00:06:55,920 --> 00:06:58,400 Speaker 1: the birth of her baby, and truthfully, like, I don't 117 00:06:58,440 --> 00:07:02,159 Speaker 1: happy cry. So I didn't cry when any of the 118 00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:05,760 Speaker 1: babies were born. Not Mary, I didn't cry when you 119 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:08,040 Speaker 1: got married. I was super happy, but I didn't cry. 120 00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:11,280 Speaker 1: But what about your emotions? Okay, that's a very different situation. 121 00:07:11,320 --> 00:07:14,080 Speaker 1: I'm a crier. I'm a happy crier. I cried, but 122 00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:16,840 Speaker 1: it was more like a whale like FML helped me 123 00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:19,280 Speaker 1: kind of cry, like I don't know, I don't want 124 00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:23,040 Speaker 1: it any more. Moment. It wasn't like a happy cry, 125 00:07:23,120 --> 00:07:25,120 Speaker 1: which you see a lot of people you know, on 126 00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:27,920 Speaker 1: TV or movies when they get birth their happy crying. 127 00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:31,280 Speaker 1: It's like a beautiful, organic moment, and mine was like 128 00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:35,280 Speaker 1: a fml moment. Honestly. Also, you you had this fear 129 00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:38,000 Speaker 1: all throughout your pregnancy with Zebby that you were going 130 00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:41,280 Speaker 1: to ruin Lennox's life. Lennox was five already, you had 131 00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:45,200 Speaker 1: spent so many years alone with him, and here comes 132 00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:50,000 Speaker 1: another baby. So how did that affect your bonding with Seby. 133 00:07:50,080 --> 00:07:51,880 Speaker 1: I was a single mom for a long time. I 134 00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:54,120 Speaker 1: didn't have a great relationship with my ex husband when 135 00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:56,240 Speaker 1: we were married, he was never home. So I write 136 00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:58,760 Speaker 1: Lennox was like my best friend, my partner in life, 137 00:07:58,840 --> 00:08:01,760 Speaker 1: my partner in crime, everything. So for me, I think 138 00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:03,840 Speaker 1: it was a little different than maybe other moms because 139 00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:06,600 Speaker 1: we had the super intense bond. I had met my 140 00:08:06,680 --> 00:08:11,880 Speaker 1: current husband, ever husband, only three months after we met. 141 00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:14,280 Speaker 1: We got engaged. A few weeks later, I got pregnant. 142 00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:17,360 Speaker 1: I got pregnant after knowing him for four months. And 143 00:08:17,640 --> 00:08:21,040 Speaker 1: so Lennox got thrown into this, and then he got 144 00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:24,200 Speaker 1: thrown into that. And even though Simon's literally the best 145 00:08:24,280 --> 00:08:27,880 Speaker 1: husband and father in the universe. So honestly, I was 146 00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:31,720 Speaker 1: feeling an immense guilt about what I was doing to him, 147 00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:33,520 Speaker 1: although in the end it turned out that it was 148 00:08:33,559 --> 00:08:35,920 Speaker 1: the best thing that's ever happened to him. When I 149 00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:39,960 Speaker 1: was having horrible postpartum depression, it was not good. And 150 00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:43,360 Speaker 1: didn't you feel like you were letting Simon down? This 151 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:46,240 Speaker 1: was his first baby and he wanted to celebrate. He 152 00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:48,760 Speaker 1: was so happy he was bonding with the baby. That 153 00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:51,560 Speaker 1: was probably for me the hardest thing, because all I 154 00:08:51,640 --> 00:08:54,960 Speaker 1: wanted my entire life was to have this happy, close knit, 155 00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:57,560 Speaker 1: perfect little family, and I finally had it, and I 156 00:08:57,600 --> 00:09:01,200 Speaker 1: didn't care, and I felt so guilty because he was 157 00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:03,720 Speaker 1: over the moon. He was taking care of the baby 158 00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:06,040 Speaker 1: when I didn't want the baby near me. He was 159 00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:09,120 Speaker 1: changing diapers, he got up with the baby. I was 160 00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:12,199 Speaker 1: just want to sleep. My rock bottom point was when 161 00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:14,320 Speaker 1: we were driving and I said to myself, if we 162 00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:17,120 Speaker 1: crash and I die, I'm happy. I don't care. That 163 00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:20,920 Speaker 1: was my rock bottom. That's that's postpartum depression. That was horrible. Yeah, 164 00:09:20,920 --> 00:09:24,280 Speaker 1: I had horrible postparm depression, and that that complicates the 165 00:09:24,280 --> 00:09:28,599 Speaker 1: whole bonding absolutely, But I think that it was embarrassing 166 00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:32,800 Speaker 1: that I had had this wish my whole entire life 167 00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:37,760 Speaker 1: and I got it, and then I I didn't appreciate it. 168 00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:40,240 Speaker 1: And that's also feels bad when you don't appreciate something 169 00:09:40,240 --> 00:09:42,679 Speaker 1: that people would kill for. People want babies, And then 170 00:09:42,720 --> 00:09:45,960 Speaker 1: I have this other baby that I conceived naturally in Vegas. 171 00:09:46,800 --> 00:09:49,320 Speaker 1: What happens in Vegas doesn't stay in Vegas. No, it 172 00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:52,160 Speaker 1: does not. And I had it and it it just 173 00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:53,719 Speaker 1: wasn't what I wanted in that moment, and it was 174 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:56,160 Speaker 1: awful and it was embarrassing. I felt I felt embarrassed 175 00:09:56,960 --> 00:09:59,800 Speaker 1: that I didn't feel a bond. Everyone kept asking on 176 00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:02,000 Speaker 1: an Instagram like, oh, my gosh, you must be so 177 00:10:02,120 --> 00:10:05,120 Speaker 1: happy your baby's here. My gosh, how happy are you? 178 00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:06,839 Speaker 1: How much do you love him? You know, it's a 179 00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:09,280 Speaker 1: social media is a mixed blessing because it gives you 180 00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:12,040 Speaker 1: that support when you need it, but it also increases 181 00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:14,839 Speaker 1: the pressure that you already have too much of. But 182 00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:17,880 Speaker 1: you know, looking back, what do you wish you knew 183 00:10:17,920 --> 00:10:21,560 Speaker 1: about bonding with your babies? I think that to know 184 00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:25,200 Speaker 1: that it does get better, it's not permanent. I was 185 00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:28,320 Speaker 1: so far gone, and you know, with my first one. 186 00:10:28,480 --> 00:10:30,960 Speaker 1: I think that if I had a magic ball to 187 00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:33,360 Speaker 1: look into the future, site Emma, You'll be okay. I 188 00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:38,000 Speaker 1: think I would have trusted that. But with postpartment depression, 189 00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:41,400 Speaker 1: you can't. You can't. You're not thinking, you're not You're 190 00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:45,319 Speaker 1: not rational, and it's not your fault. This is your fault. Nope, 191 00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:48,120 Speaker 1: And I can say that you do come out the 192 00:10:48,120 --> 00:10:53,400 Speaker 1: other end. Those clouds do pass. And I finally met 193 00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:57,400 Speaker 1: my baby when he was around five six weeks and 194 00:10:57,720 --> 00:11:02,199 Speaker 1: it was the best meeting of my life. And by 195 00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:06,800 Speaker 1: by meeting, you mean that you actually made that love connection. 196 00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:09,439 Speaker 1: I made that love connection. And now looking at him, 197 00:11:09,559 --> 00:11:12,200 Speaker 1: he's just turned too and I'm like, I love you 198 00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:15,040 Speaker 1: so much, I want to eat you. And and I 199 00:11:15,080 --> 00:11:17,880 Speaker 1: did get that feeling which I didn't have. Moms feel 200 00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:20,280 Speaker 1: guilt for everything, but I feel guilt now because I 201 00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:24,640 Speaker 1: hated him. You have to give up the guilt, you 202 00:11:24,679 --> 00:11:28,840 Speaker 1: have to let it go. Nom that's true. It comes 203 00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:33,000 Speaker 1: with the mom. Isn't the mom job description? So guilty 204 00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:36,679 Speaker 1: for everything? I think you said that bonding it's not 205 00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:39,840 Speaker 1: a marathon, right, This is what I've gathered. When it 206 00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:44,040 Speaker 1: comes to bonding, It's not a sprint. It's not a marathon. 207 00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:48,440 Speaker 1: It's a jog, you know. Sometimes sometimes it's a brisk walk, 208 00:11:48,679 --> 00:11:52,320 Speaker 1: you know, or a stroll, a stroll, a leisurely stroll. 209 00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:55,280 Speaker 1: But you'll get there eventually, you know. And I think 210 00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:57,640 Speaker 1: it's also important to keep in mind that there's not 211 00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:00,640 Speaker 1: really a finish line because like everything in parenting, it's 212 00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:03,120 Speaker 1: a process. You know, it's a process that takes a lifetime. 213 00:12:03,160 --> 00:12:08,040 Speaker 1: There's ebbs and flows and ups and downs. Let's take 214 00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:10,720 Speaker 1: a break and when we come back, we're breaking down 215 00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:26,720 Speaker 1: what to expect when you're bonding with your baby. Okay, mom, 216 00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:29,600 Speaker 1: So these are the biggest questions about what to expect 217 00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:35,160 Speaker 1: when it comes to bonding. Can you explain bonding physiologically 218 00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:40,840 Speaker 1: and psychologically? So mother nature does help you become a 219 00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:43,880 Speaker 1: mom and a lot of obvious ways, but in a 220 00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:48,520 Speaker 1: lot of ways she can leave you hanging. That hormone oxytose, 221 00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:51,560 Speaker 1: and you may have heard of that. It's pretty standard issue. 222 00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:55,840 Speaker 1: It's the love hormone, the bonding hormone, and in theory 223 00:12:56,240 --> 00:13:00,360 Speaker 1: that should do the trick. So it's all physiological, right, 224 00:13:00,400 --> 00:13:04,160 Speaker 1: So out pops the baby in floods, the maternal love 225 00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:08,760 Speaker 1: and all of those instincts you've heard about. Dogs and 226 00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:12,040 Speaker 1: puppies know exactly what to do, Lion moms and cubs 227 00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:15,640 Speaker 1: know what to do. So aren't those instincts supposed to 228 00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:19,800 Speaker 1: kick right in? That's what we hear. It's incredible how 229 00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:23,839 Speaker 1: in nature it seems to be so so easy and precise, 230 00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:28,079 Speaker 1: but in humans it's a little more complicated. So this 231 00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:32,720 Speaker 1: love hormone oxytocin your body makes it during pregnancy and 232 00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:36,280 Speaker 1: especially after delivery, and sometimes they give you a shot 233 00:13:36,320 --> 00:13:38,800 Speaker 1: of it to help speed the contractions of your uterus 234 00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:41,680 Speaker 1: after birth, so it can come back down to size. 235 00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:45,920 Speaker 1: And in theory, it's supposed to open your heart as 236 00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:48,520 Speaker 1: soon as your baby is on your chest and fill 237 00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:52,080 Speaker 1: it all the way up to the brim with love. Right, 238 00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:55,079 Speaker 1: That's what we always hear. But emotional and physical factors 239 00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:58,600 Speaker 1: can obviously interfere with that love connection. So if you 240 00:13:58,640 --> 00:14:03,560 Speaker 1: have a traumatic delivery or an emergency c section, or 241 00:14:03,679 --> 00:14:06,760 Speaker 1: maybe you had an early birth that you just weren't 242 00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:09,520 Speaker 1: prepared for and baby has to be rushed to the 243 00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:12,280 Speaker 1: nike you or maybe you're just not feeling it because 244 00:14:12,280 --> 00:14:16,440 Speaker 1: you're tired and you're overwhelmed. That was certainly the case 245 00:14:16,559 --> 00:14:22,040 Speaker 1: with me, and bonding ultimately happens, but it takes different 246 00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:27,520 Speaker 1: forms and it follows different timelines, So it's different different 247 00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:30,440 Speaker 1: ways of expressing your emotions. You know, even if you 248 00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:33,400 Speaker 1: have those emotions right away, you're not necessarily going to 249 00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:36,960 Speaker 1: express them in the same way. We're conditioned to expect 250 00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:39,920 Speaker 1: things to happen, to go down with a happy cry, 251 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:43,080 Speaker 1: with the flood of love and instincts, but it doesn't 252 00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:48,200 Speaker 1: necessarily happen the same way in different moms. Okay, So 253 00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:51,800 Speaker 1: what happens if you can't bond right away with your baby? 254 00:14:51,880 --> 00:14:53,560 Speaker 1: What if they have to go to the Nike you 255 00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:59,720 Speaker 1: or you have an issue delivering and you need some 256 00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:04,160 Speaker 1: medical attention. What happens then? And that happens a lot. 257 00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:07,840 Speaker 1: Twelve percent of bursts in the US are pre term, 258 00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:10,440 Speaker 1: but also babies who are full term can end up 259 00:15:10,440 --> 00:15:12,960 Speaker 1: in the Nike you, you know, especially after a c section. 260 00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:18,400 Speaker 1: So for whatever reason that you can't be together right 261 00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:20,640 Speaker 1: from the start, and it could just be that you're 262 00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:24,400 Speaker 1: so so tired that you need somebody to take your 263 00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:26,760 Speaker 1: baby just for a minute so you can get some rest. 264 00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:29,480 Speaker 1: But there's plenty of time to make up for that. 265 00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:33,400 Speaker 1: There's a lifetime of loving ahead of you, and a 266 00:15:33,520 --> 00:15:37,840 Speaker 1: late start doesn't mean that you've necessarily lost that opportunity 267 00:15:38,120 --> 00:15:41,480 Speaker 1: anymore than a head start. Like I had that head start, 268 00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:45,120 Speaker 1: I snuggled you at my breast and and it still 269 00:15:45,160 --> 00:15:49,400 Speaker 1: didn't necessarily seal the deal right away. But and what's 270 00:15:49,440 --> 00:15:52,080 Speaker 1: great now instead of just being holed up in their 271 00:15:52,080 --> 00:15:56,000 Speaker 1: isolate babies in the Nike, you are, once they're stable, 272 00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:58,640 Speaker 1: are able to do skin to skin even the tiniest 273 00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:02,240 Speaker 1: little premies can do and guru care if you keep 274 00:16:02,280 --> 00:16:05,480 Speaker 1: your baby close to you and snuggle your baby. And 275 00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:08,720 Speaker 1: that's whether the baby is pre term or full term 276 00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:14,800 Speaker 1: doesn't matter. That skin to skin contact is so beneficial. 277 00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:19,280 Speaker 1: It helps baby grow and develop. It leads to better 278 00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:22,960 Speaker 1: sleep and better feeds. So that's something you can do 279 00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:26,440 Speaker 1: at any point. And it may take more effort if 280 00:16:26,480 --> 00:16:29,240 Speaker 1: your baby's in the NIKEW or you're not together right 281 00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:31,720 Speaker 1: from the start, but it can definitely happen, and it 282 00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:35,360 Speaker 1: will happen, I promise you will happen. So how can 283 00:16:35,480 --> 00:16:40,120 Speaker 1: bonding start before the baby is born? How can you 284 00:16:40,120 --> 00:16:43,760 Speaker 1: get a little head start on that action? So the 285 00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:46,040 Speaker 1: great thing that we know now we didn't always know this. 286 00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:49,480 Speaker 1: Once in a while, I would feel completely stupid talking 287 00:16:49,520 --> 00:16:53,000 Speaker 1: to my belly when I was pregnant with you and put. 288 00:16:53,040 --> 00:16:56,600 Speaker 1: The interesting thing is that babies can hear from the 289 00:16:56,680 --> 00:17:00,640 Speaker 1: six months in utero. So when you to your baby, 290 00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:03,600 Speaker 1: you sing to your baby, they hear voices that are 291 00:17:03,640 --> 00:17:07,760 Speaker 1: outside of you, outside the uterus, So they'll hear dad talking, 292 00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:11,359 Speaker 1: they'll hear an older sibling talking, they'll hear the damn 293 00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:16,040 Speaker 1: neighbor's dog barking. And as a result, babies are accustomed 294 00:17:16,480 --> 00:17:18,879 Speaker 1: to the sounds that they've heard in their environment. So 295 00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:23,520 Speaker 1: if your baby has heard, you know, sirens screeching all 296 00:17:23,560 --> 00:17:25,439 Speaker 1: the time, because you live in New York City like 297 00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:28,960 Speaker 1: you did, they don't startle as much as babies who 298 00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:31,399 Speaker 1: have never heard them before, who live in like a 299 00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:35,399 Speaker 1: peaceful little country village. But you can start bonding with 300 00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:39,880 Speaker 1: your baby by rubbing your belly. Your baby can actually 301 00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:43,080 Speaker 1: feel that, and they might even respond with a little kick. 302 00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:46,040 Speaker 1: And when you feel your baby kick, you know, just 303 00:17:46,080 --> 00:17:49,320 Speaker 1: give that little foot or that little butt a little 304 00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:54,680 Speaker 1: massage and that it's so cute, And that's the beginning 305 00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:58,800 Speaker 1: of bonding. It's the beginning of bonding for an older sibling. 306 00:17:58,840 --> 00:18:01,919 Speaker 1: If they rub your ellie or talk silly to the baby, 307 00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:05,160 Speaker 1: that's the beginning of bonding for them too. That's important 308 00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:08,639 Speaker 1: to keep in mind that even from the very start, 309 00:18:08,760 --> 00:18:11,840 Speaker 1: you can get close to your baby, make that love connection. 310 00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:15,440 Speaker 1: I think a lot of moms feel pressured to do 311 00:18:16,359 --> 00:18:20,159 Speaker 1: the extra stuff, you know, the super stimulating extra stuff. 312 00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:24,040 Speaker 1: But it's really tis yeah, but it's but it's so 313 00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:27,919 Speaker 1: not about that. It's about the basics. It's about the 314 00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:32,560 Speaker 1: skin to skin, it's about snuggling and cuddling, it's about 315 00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:36,439 Speaker 1: all kinds of touch. Massage. Baby massage is a great 316 00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:39,520 Speaker 1: way to relax your baby, but also to relax you 317 00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:43,120 Speaker 1: when you feel stressed. And talking to your baby, singing 318 00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:45,600 Speaker 1: to your baby just like you did when you were pregnant, 319 00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:49,240 Speaker 1: and even reading to a newborn. A lot of people 320 00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:52,399 Speaker 1: say read to a newborn. Newborns don't understand what you're reading, 321 00:18:52,440 --> 00:18:55,800 Speaker 1: will neither do bellies. But it's good for both of you. 322 00:18:56,240 --> 00:18:59,440 Speaker 1: It helps develop that bond as well as the love 323 00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:03,720 Speaker 1: of reading. Ultimately, that's the goal. Wearing your baby. There's 324 00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:07,920 Speaker 1: actually research that shows that babies who are worn more 325 00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:11,560 Speaker 1: cry less, and I would say the reverse is true, 326 00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:15,320 Speaker 1: that their moms cry less because they're having that close 327 00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:18,840 Speaker 1: connection that suites your baby because your baby is used 328 00:19:18,840 --> 00:19:22,600 Speaker 1: to hearing your heartbeat in utero. But research has actually 329 00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:26,800 Speaker 1: shown that it minimizes postpartum depression. It's not necessarily a 330 00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:31,160 Speaker 1: treatment for postpartum depression, but it can definitely help. Another 331 00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:33,720 Speaker 1: way to bond with your baby right from the start 332 00:19:33,880 --> 00:19:39,280 Speaker 1: is eye contact. That's so simple. Just looking at your 333 00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:42,520 Speaker 1: baby instead of your phone ps can make all the 334 00:19:42,600 --> 00:19:46,040 Speaker 1: difference because your baby is looking, your baby is looking 335 00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:49,880 Speaker 1: back at you and not necessarily responding. That's what makes 336 00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:53,520 Speaker 1: bonding initially so challenging for lots of moms. And we 337 00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:58,159 Speaker 1: heard the mom who said until they started to form personalities, 338 00:19:58,280 --> 00:20:00,399 Speaker 1: or I've heard a lot of the time. When my 339 00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:04,040 Speaker 1: baby started smiling, that's when I started to feel that connection, 340 00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:08,040 Speaker 1: because it's really hard to connect with a little someone 341 00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:11,720 Speaker 1: who just makes all kinds of demands but never actually 342 00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:15,359 Speaker 1: responds in any way besides crying. And once they start 343 00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:20,040 Speaker 1: making those connections with their eyes by cooling, by smiling, 344 00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:24,240 Speaker 1: that can make really all the all the difference. What 345 00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:29,160 Speaker 1: are some ways that a dad can bond with their baby. Well, 346 00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:32,280 Speaker 1: in fact, it's all the same ways. For Dad's, pregnancy 347 00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:35,479 Speaker 1: is more of an abstract concept, even more than it 348 00:20:35,560 --> 00:20:37,479 Speaker 1: is for us. And it's pretty abstract for us, right 349 00:20:37,480 --> 00:20:40,560 Speaker 1: we're carrying a baby around for nine months, but you know, 350 00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:43,240 Speaker 1: you feel a kick, those kinds of things, but it's 351 00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:46,639 Speaker 1: really hard to believe there's a baby inside of you, 352 00:20:46,640 --> 00:20:49,240 Speaker 1: you know, when you see the ultrasounds. Yeah, maybe so, 353 00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:51,879 Speaker 1: but it's a stretch. And then for dads who don't 354 00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:55,359 Speaker 1: do that heavy lifting, who don't feel the kicks from within, 355 00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:57,560 Speaker 1: they feel them on the outside, but it's not the same, 356 00:20:57,600 --> 00:21:01,040 Speaker 1: definitely not the same. It becomes hard to do bonding 357 00:21:01,240 --> 00:21:05,679 Speaker 1: until they do that initial skin to skin. And I 358 00:21:05,760 --> 00:21:07,959 Speaker 1: gotta tell you, there's nothing that a mom can do 359 00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:11,040 Speaker 1: that a dad can't do just as well, if not better, 360 00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:15,119 Speaker 1: given the opportunity, and skin to skin right from the 361 00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:19,200 Speaker 1: start is the first of many, many, many opportunities because 362 00:21:19,640 --> 00:21:23,119 Speaker 1: Dad's release oxytocin. A few people realize this, but Dad's 363 00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:27,480 Speaker 1: experienced hormonal changes during pregnancy, so they experienced the surges 364 00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:31,199 Speaker 1: and estrogen and the drop in testosterone, and that is 365 00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:33,600 Speaker 1: nature's way of bringing out the nurture and the male 366 00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:37,000 Speaker 1: of the species. It happens all throughout the animal kingdom 367 00:21:37,320 --> 00:21:40,760 Speaker 1: is partially the hormones, but it's also getting close with 368 00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:44,320 Speaker 1: your baby. The snuggles, the talking, the singing, the eye 369 00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:49,120 Speaker 1: contact that helps dad's release that oxytocin, that bonding hormone. 370 00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:52,600 Speaker 1: My husband said that he knew I was pregnant, but 371 00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:55,919 Speaker 1: until he like saw his child being born, it didn't 372 00:21:56,000 --> 00:22:00,959 Speaker 1: hit him. It didn't know. And unfortunately be has Sebastian 373 00:22:01,080 --> 00:22:04,679 Speaker 1: went to the nick you Simon wasn't even allowed to 374 00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:07,760 Speaker 1: hold him for a few days, but when he did, 375 00:22:07,840 --> 00:22:10,240 Speaker 1: he was so excited to do skin to skin. But 376 00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:14,480 Speaker 1: he got to experience that and you know, bond with 377 00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:17,240 Speaker 1: him and that bond with him, and that was really special. 378 00:22:17,680 --> 00:22:21,159 Speaker 1: So I think that's really important to do. Dad's can 379 00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:23,880 Speaker 1: bond with the best of the moms. He bonded better 380 00:22:23,920 --> 00:22:28,240 Speaker 1: than I did. Yeah, and in fact your father did 381 00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:32,000 Speaker 1: as well. But it just it shows the power of 382 00:22:32,280 --> 00:22:36,080 Speaker 1: dad's bonding potential that it's not just moms who can 383 00:22:36,119 --> 00:22:38,879 Speaker 1: bond with their babies, far from it, but also people 384 00:22:38,880 --> 00:22:41,639 Speaker 1: who adopt their children. They bond with their babies. So 385 00:22:41,680 --> 00:22:44,040 Speaker 1: it doesn't necessarily matter if you gave birth to the 386 00:22:44,040 --> 00:22:47,359 Speaker 1: baby exactly, and it can happen at birth or it 387 00:22:47,359 --> 00:22:49,520 Speaker 1: can happen. You know, you adopt your baby, when your 388 00:22:49,560 --> 00:22:54,720 Speaker 1: babies three months ago still bond and when week come back. 389 00:22:54,960 --> 00:23:11,639 Speaker 1: It's helped me, Heidi. And now it's time for help me, Heidi. 390 00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:16,439 Speaker 1: We're all answer you're pressing pregnancy and parenting questions, no 391 00:23:16,680 --> 00:23:21,480 Speaker 1: holds barred, no filter allowed, t am I, no such thing. 392 00:23:22,040 --> 00:23:25,600 Speaker 1: We're all moms here or dad's and chances are if 393 00:23:25,640 --> 00:23:29,120 Speaker 1: you have this question, other parents do too. You are 394 00:23:29,240 --> 00:23:33,680 Speaker 1: not alone, Emma who needs help today? Okay, So this 395 00:23:33,800 --> 00:23:36,720 Speaker 1: comes from a brand new mom who says she's struggling 396 00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:39,679 Speaker 1: to bond with her brand new little one girl. I 397 00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:43,919 Speaker 1: feel you, she writes, I just had my baby, a 398 00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:47,879 Speaker 1: baby that I was so looking forward to having, and 399 00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:50,920 Speaker 1: I totally don't feel like a mother to her. I'm 400 00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:54,080 Speaker 1: certainly not bonding with my baby like I thought I would. Well, 401 00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:57,639 Speaker 1: this definitely could have been me. I think it was me. 402 00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:00,920 Speaker 1: I remember coming home from the hospital, but all walking 403 00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:04,639 Speaker 1: through the front door of our little apartment with you 404 00:24:04,720 --> 00:24:08,800 Speaker 1: in my arms, and suddenly realizing they gave me this 405 00:24:08,920 --> 00:24:11,880 Speaker 1: baby to take home. Why would they do that? What 406 00:24:11,920 --> 00:24:14,399 Speaker 1: were they thinking? And I was looking around for the 407 00:24:14,440 --> 00:24:16,760 Speaker 1: instructions and I couldn't find them. I hadn't written the 408 00:24:16,760 --> 00:24:21,240 Speaker 1: book yet. I remember my first Mother's Day so vividly. Emma. 409 00:24:21,280 --> 00:24:24,399 Speaker 1: You were about a month old, maybe a little bit less, 410 00:24:24,480 --> 00:24:27,159 Speaker 1: and we went out to brunch with the grandparents, and 411 00:24:27,200 --> 00:24:33,320 Speaker 1: I realized, suddenly, wait a second, this is Mother's Day, 412 00:24:33,800 --> 00:24:37,800 Speaker 1: and I'm a mother too. But it was such a disconnect, 413 00:24:37,840 --> 00:24:41,400 Speaker 1: it was so strange, it was so implausible. I saw 414 00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:43,560 Speaker 1: my mother as a mother, I saw my mother in 415 00:24:43,640 --> 00:24:48,120 Speaker 1: law as a mother. But what about me? Why did 416 00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:51,480 Speaker 1: I not feel like a mother? So I feel this mom. 417 00:24:51,680 --> 00:24:54,640 Speaker 1: Sometimes it's a matter of experience, or of course lack 418 00:24:54,680 --> 00:24:57,280 Speaker 1: of it, which was definitely the case for me. You 419 00:24:57,359 --> 00:25:00,359 Speaker 1: got to remember, this is the only job, and definitely 420 00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:04,240 Speaker 1: the hardest job, that you get no training for, zero 421 00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:07,920 Speaker 1: training for. Boom babies dropped in your arms, and you're 422 00:25:07,920 --> 00:25:11,920 Speaker 1: suddenly supposed to know exactly what to do and how 423 00:25:11,960 --> 00:25:14,240 Speaker 1: to do it. Now. Sometimes moms who have had a 424 00:25:14,240 --> 00:25:17,800 Speaker 1: lot of experience with babies, because they're older siblings, or 425 00:25:17,840 --> 00:25:20,160 Speaker 1: they have nieces or nephews, or they did a lot 426 00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:24,479 Speaker 1: of babysitting, they feel more comfortable grabbing the mommy mantle. 427 00:25:24,560 --> 00:25:27,479 Speaker 1: But not me, because I never did any babysitting, And 428 00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:30,840 Speaker 1: in fact, the first time I held a baby in 429 00:25:30,880 --> 00:25:34,399 Speaker 1: my arms was the first time I held Emma in 430 00:25:34,400 --> 00:25:37,960 Speaker 1: my arms. And it takes time. Sometimes it just takes time. 431 00:25:38,040 --> 00:25:40,879 Speaker 1: It's a process. Getting to know your baby is a 432 00:25:40,920 --> 00:25:44,800 Speaker 1: process starting to get your baby, knowing what each cry 433 00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:46,960 Speaker 1: means and how to tell the difference and how to 434 00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:49,840 Speaker 1: respond because at first they all found the same. All 435 00:25:49,840 --> 00:25:52,560 Speaker 1: those cries sound the same, but they all mean something different, 436 00:25:52,640 --> 00:25:55,159 Speaker 1: and that's something you start to get. And then you 437 00:25:55,200 --> 00:26:00,399 Speaker 1: start feeling confident breastfeeding or burping or rocking, and you 438 00:26:00,440 --> 00:26:04,560 Speaker 1: start getting your mom legs. And even if it's love 439 00:26:04,600 --> 00:26:08,320 Speaker 1: at first sight at first snuggle, and especially if it 440 00:26:08,359 --> 00:26:12,160 Speaker 1: isn't and if you don't click instantly for whatever reason, 441 00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:15,000 Speaker 1: and there are lots of reasons why you might not 442 00:26:15,119 --> 00:26:18,800 Speaker 1: make that instant love connection, it can take weeks to 443 00:26:18,960 --> 00:26:24,120 Speaker 1: feel legit. As a mom. That crumbling of confidence can 444 00:26:24,200 --> 00:26:28,520 Speaker 1: leave you feeling less than, especially because there's so much 445 00:26:28,560 --> 00:26:32,600 Speaker 1: pressure on us to feel something more than even though 446 00:26:32,680 --> 00:26:35,879 Speaker 1: to your baby, and this is true, to your baby, 447 00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:40,720 Speaker 1: you're the best mom he or she has ever had. Really, literally, 448 00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:45,480 Speaker 1: as long as you feel a gradually deepening connection, you're 449 00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:48,840 Speaker 1: starting to feel attached a little more. Day by day, 450 00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:53,040 Speaker 1: night after night, you will get there, and before you 451 00:26:53,080 --> 00:26:56,119 Speaker 1: know it, you will be rewarded by that first smile, 452 00:26:56,320 --> 00:26:58,920 Speaker 1: that first coup meant just for you, and that will 453 00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:02,200 Speaker 1: tell you all you need to know. While you're waiting 454 00:27:02,240 --> 00:27:05,600 Speaker 1: for that love connection where your baby, do skin to 455 00:27:05,680 --> 00:27:09,280 Speaker 1: skin with your baby every chance you get both of 456 00:27:09,320 --> 00:27:12,879 Speaker 1: these released the bonding hormone that we talked about oxytocin, 457 00:27:13,720 --> 00:27:17,280 Speaker 1: make eye contact with your baby. And like I always say, 458 00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:20,800 Speaker 1: and this is my best advice of all, stop and 459 00:27:20,880 --> 00:27:24,719 Speaker 1: smell the baby, because they don't smell that sweet forever. 460 00:27:25,320 --> 00:27:28,679 Speaker 1: And you'll suddenly if you stop and you pause and 461 00:27:28,760 --> 00:27:31,840 Speaker 1: you just look in your baby's eyes, you'll suddenly realize 462 00:27:32,240 --> 00:27:38,040 Speaker 1: that baby in your arms is actually yours. Now. That said, 463 00:27:38,560 --> 00:27:42,320 Speaker 1: if you don't feel gradually more connected, if you feel 464 00:27:42,359 --> 00:27:46,560 Speaker 1: deeply anxious, or or if you feel sad or angry 465 00:27:46,720 --> 00:27:51,280 Speaker 1: or disconnected with your baby, call your doctor or midwife 466 00:27:51,480 --> 00:27:55,399 Speaker 1: or the pediatrician and get screened for postpartum depression or 467 00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:59,399 Speaker 1: another postpartum mood disorder right away. Don't wait for me. 468 00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:02,680 Speaker 1: It was close to six weeks before I could look 469 00:28:02,720 --> 00:28:06,320 Speaker 1: at myself in the mirror and actually see a mom. 470 00:28:06,359 --> 00:28:10,680 Speaker 1: And even then, because there was colic involved, it took 471 00:28:10,680 --> 00:28:13,359 Speaker 1: me a lot longer to look in the mirror and 472 00:28:13,440 --> 00:28:17,840 Speaker 1: see a mom who actually loved being a mom. So 473 00:28:18,000 --> 00:28:22,040 Speaker 1: give yourself and your baby time and definitely cut yourself 474 00:28:22,560 --> 00:28:26,240 Speaker 1: a lot of slack. Lower that bar, then lower it 475 00:28:26,320 --> 00:28:30,080 Speaker 1: some more. Don't put pressure on yourself to perform as 476 00:28:30,080 --> 00:28:34,240 Speaker 1: a mom. There's way too much pressure on mom's anyway. 477 00:28:34,640 --> 00:28:39,680 Speaker 1: Remember there is no such thing as a perfect mom, 478 00:28:39,920 --> 00:28:50,680 Speaker 1: only human moms, which we all are. Who babylf my, 479 00:28:50,960 --> 00:28:55,520 Speaker 1: baby loof? I need you, Oh how I need you. 480 00:28:56,880 --> 00:29:00,680 Speaker 1: Thanks for listening. Remember I'm always here for you. What 481 00:29:00,840 --> 00:29:03,719 Speaker 1: to Expect is always here for you. We're all in 482 00:29:03,760 --> 00:29:07,600 Speaker 1: this together. For more on what you heard on today's episode, 483 00:29:07,720 --> 00:29:11,320 Speaker 1: visit what to Expect dot com slash podcasts. You can 484 00:29:11,360 --> 00:29:14,120 Speaker 1: also check out What to Expect when You're Expecting, What 485 00:29:14,240 --> 00:29:17,400 Speaker 1: to Expect the First Year, and the What to Expect app. 486 00:29:17,920 --> 00:29:21,360 Speaker 1: And we want to hear from you. Connect with us 487 00:29:21,400 --> 00:29:24,719 Speaker 1: on our community message board or on our social media. 488 00:29:25,120 --> 00:29:28,680 Speaker 1: You can find me at Heidi Murkoff and Emma at 489 00:29:28,760 --> 00:29:32,400 Speaker 1: Emma bing w t E and of course at What 490 00:29:32,560 --> 00:29:37,280 Speaker 1: to Expect. Baby Love is performed by Riley Peterer. What 491 00:29:37,440 --> 00:29:40,840 Speaker 1: to Expect is a production of I Heart Radio From 492 00:29:40,840 --> 00:29:43,520 Speaker 1: more shows from I heart Radio check out the I 493 00:29:43,680 --> 00:29:47,960 Speaker 1: heart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to 494 00:29:48,000 --> 00:29:53,600 Speaker 1: your favorite shows. In my Arms, what Don't Just Stay? 495 00:29:53,960 --> 00:30:00,160 Speaker 1: Leja Needa, Baby Baby, Who