WEBVTT - Secrets To Surviving A Narcissist In Your Life 0:00:00.280 --> 0:00:02.720 Hey, fam I'm Jada Pinkett Smith and this is the 0:00:02.759 --> 0:00:06.600 Red Tabletop podcast, all your favorite episodes from the Facebook 0:00:06.640 --> 0:00:10.399 Watch show in audio produced by Westbrook Audio and I 0:00:10.560 --> 0:00:13.760 Heart Radio. Please don't forget to rate and review on 0:00:13.880 --> 0:00:21.079 Apple podcasts. Narcissism. Everybody is using this word. Narcissism is 0:00:21.120 --> 0:00:24.600 at the core of every debutive relationship. The only thing 0:00:24.720 --> 0:00:27.760 you've done without my help is get sick. I've seen it. 0:00:27.920 --> 0:00:33.800 It's awful. Gas Lighting is like a main narcissistic trait. 0:00:34.000 --> 0:00:38.080 You are so confused. Don't act crazy, Da. It could 0:00:38.080 --> 0:00:41.840 be your parents, your adult child, your spouse. It could 0:00:41.840 --> 0:00:44.520 be a boss in a job you need to keep 0:00:43.440 --> 0:00:58.400 you were hurting them. Possible not possible death, our r 0:00:58.480 --> 0:01:01.000 T T family, You ask for it, and here it 0:01:01.160 --> 0:01:04.000 is backed by popular demand. Is one of our favorites. 0:01:04.520 --> 0:01:09.039 World's leading expert on narcissism and author of two books 0:01:09.120 --> 0:01:13.039 on the topic, Dr Romney. You bring the fire every time, 0:01:13.560 --> 0:01:16.119 and you really hit it on the head. And we 0:01:16.160 --> 0:01:20.200 have so many people and even in our personal lives, 0:01:20.400 --> 0:01:24.800 asking how the hell do we survive the narcissist in 0:01:24.800 --> 0:01:27.360 our lives? Right? Because this could be your mother, your father, 0:01:27.840 --> 0:01:31.920 your adult childs, your spouse, it could be a boss 0:01:31.920 --> 0:01:34.440 in a job you need to keep. It's a topic 0:01:34.560 --> 0:01:38.280 that is kind of trending, narcissism, and so I think 0:01:38.440 --> 0:01:41.600 it would be really cool if you could just remind 0:01:41.760 --> 0:01:46.559 us what the definition is. You're right, everybody is using 0:01:46.560 --> 0:01:48.720 this word right now. So let's start with the core 0:01:48.800 --> 0:01:51.400 of it and build out. People who are narcissistic are 0:01:51.880 --> 0:01:54.560 deeply insecure, and we don't see that part of it. 0:01:54.640 --> 0:01:57.720 Deeply insecure because they're so insecure and they don't want 0:01:57.760 --> 0:02:00.840 to be found out. They cover themselves and all of 0:02:00.880 --> 0:02:05.760 this grandiosity, entitlement, arrogance. But then there is this lack 0:02:05.800 --> 0:02:08.359 of empathy, in which, to me is the most lethal 0:02:08.480 --> 0:02:11.560 part of this. They don't care. These are folks who 0:02:11.600 --> 0:02:14.880 are very controlling. Sometimes they're downright paranoid. They think people 0:02:14.880 --> 0:02:17.400 are out to get them all the time. I'm talking 0:02:17.440 --> 0:02:21.639 to quite a few people. Narcissists tend to be very charming. 0:02:22.480 --> 0:02:26.760 What they portray with family and friends versus what's happening 0:02:26.800 --> 0:02:30.520 behind closed doors is so drastically different. They're building a 0:02:30.560 --> 0:02:33.600 perfect suit of armor because there's all this insecurity to 0:02:33.639 --> 0:02:36.639 be protected, So they work on their outsides so nobody 0:02:36.639 --> 0:02:41.440 will notice the inside and that charm, charisma, confidence are 0:02:41.480 --> 0:02:43.800 the front game for a person who's narcissistic, to the 0:02:43.840 --> 0:02:46.720 point where I mean someone charismatic, I'm terrified. I'm like, 0:02:46.800 --> 0:02:54.520 I got oh right, they're too nice. How do we 0:02:54.600 --> 0:02:58.800 interact with narcissists in our lives when we can't necessarily 0:02:58.880 --> 0:03:02.640 walk away from them? People are watching this saying, Okay, 0:03:02.680 --> 0:03:04.840 obviously I know what I should do. I should walk, 0:03:05.040 --> 0:03:07.079 But we don't have the luxury of just walking away 0:03:07.080 --> 0:03:09.400 from everyone, And so then people feel like, what do 0:03:09.440 --> 0:03:11.160 I just need to keep things the way they are? No, 0:03:11.280 --> 0:03:15.120 you don't. This is really a game of number one 0:03:15.160 --> 0:03:19.200 and above all else, radical acceptance. Radical acceptance is understanding 0:03:19.440 --> 0:03:23.400 this is not going to change. Personality styles do not change. Okay, 0:03:23.480 --> 0:03:25.919 So the only thing you can do is work on 0:03:26.040 --> 0:03:30.280 your approach to this and your expectations. Those expectations need 0:03:30.360 --> 0:03:34.040 to be realistic, even if it's just like, Okay, I'm 0:03:34.040 --> 0:03:37.640 going through the same cycle, but now I'm protecting myself 0:03:37.680 --> 0:03:42.120 emotionally because I know what's actually going on, recognizing what 0:03:42.160 --> 0:03:45.440 you're dealing with. So how does one do that? There's 0:03:45.440 --> 0:03:48.240 a technique I use. I call it the deep technique 0:03:48.320 --> 0:03:52.600 because you remember it. Deep stands for don't defend, don't engage, 0:03:53.200 --> 0:03:57.680 don't explain, and don't personalize this. Okay, so you think 0:03:57.680 --> 0:04:00.160 about how many times you go deeper in with some one. 0:04:00.280 --> 0:04:02.200 That's why I say deep, like like no, no, I 0:04:02.240 --> 0:04:05.720 never said that or didn't happen that way, almost detached completely. 0:04:05.800 --> 0:04:07.560 In fact, there's a name for that disengagement. It's called 0:04:07.560 --> 0:04:10.440 gray rocking beings boring. As a gray rock, you become 0:04:10.480 --> 0:04:15.800 almost inert, right, you're like completely uninteresting. You're like so 0:04:15.840 --> 0:04:17.720 they have nothing to feed off, So they have nothing 0:04:17.720 --> 0:04:19.760 to feed off. And now, initially, and this is one 0:04:19.760 --> 0:04:22.000 thing I want to warn everyone watching this, Initially, when 0:04:22.040 --> 0:04:24.640 you go gray rock on a narcissist, they get really mad. 0:04:26.320 --> 0:04:30.960 That makes you look like almost like you're being condescending, Like, 0:04:31.560 --> 0:04:40.720 but you can rock because you're not feeding them with 0:04:40.800 --> 0:04:44.400 something we call narcissistic supply, feeding their ego, whether it's 0:04:44.400 --> 0:04:49.560 with validation or with arguments. Because for narcissistic people, winning 0:04:49.760 --> 0:04:52.120 is everything. So if you don't give them the argument, 0:04:52.200 --> 0:04:54.400 they're going to lose interest in you and move to 0:04:54.440 --> 0:04:58.120 the person they can have the argument with. That's it. 0:04:58.120 --> 0:05:01.040 It's also about no longer share ring of yourself with them. 0:05:01.200 --> 0:05:02.680 You don't tell them the good things that happen in 0:05:02.720 --> 0:05:04.800 your life. You don't tell them about the bad things 0:05:04.800 --> 0:05:06.760 that happen in your life, because they're either going to 0:05:06.800 --> 0:05:09.600 make fun of the good things and they're going to 0:05:09.680 --> 0:05:12.599 criticize you even more for the bad things. They don't 0:05:12.640 --> 0:05:14.479 want people to watch this thing. I'm going to try 0:05:14.520 --> 0:05:17.240 these techniques and then maybe I'm going to get through 0:05:17.520 --> 0:05:20.400 the narcissists. That's not going to happen. You're doing this 0:05:20.520 --> 0:05:24.880 for you. This is to protect yourself. So a narcissist 0:05:25.160 --> 0:05:28.960 is never They're not going to change because they don't 0:05:29.000 --> 0:05:32.080 think there's anything wrong with how they're behaving. And there's 0:05:32.080 --> 0:05:35.799 not something that you can do to break that only 0:05:35.800 --> 0:05:37.960 on your side of the street, only on your side. 0:05:38.200 --> 0:05:41.320 Even if they have like little tiny breakthroughs, there will 0:05:41.360 --> 0:05:44.840 be something that happens that will trigger them to go 0:05:45.000 --> 0:05:48.120 right back into the mechanism that they know and they're 0:05:48.160 --> 0:05:50.919 just unaware. They're unaware, and that that unawareness is what 0:05:50.960 --> 0:05:53.160 throws people up. People say, are they like rubbing their 0:05:53.200 --> 0:05:55.880 hands together in the back room saying I'm going ready, 0:05:55.880 --> 0:05:58.440 I'm going to go gas like Jade they're not doing that. 0:05:58.760 --> 0:06:04.160 They're constantly protecting themselves. Everything they do is self protection. 0:06:04.480 --> 0:06:07.880 So we put together some scenarios with Dr Rominey and 0:06:08.080 --> 0:06:14.080 first the malignant narcissists. That sounds dangerous, right, This is 0:06:14.160 --> 0:06:18.280 very psychologically dangerous at times, can actually literally be physically dangerous. 0:06:18.640 --> 0:06:22.040 This is the form of narcissism that's actually closest to psychopathy. 0:06:22.320 --> 0:06:25.479 Someone who will lie, cheat, harm you to your face 0:06:25.560 --> 0:06:28.840 and feel no remorse. Pay attention to this scenario. It's 0:06:28.839 --> 0:06:32.080 a pattern you sometimes see in relationships that last a really, 0:06:32.120 --> 0:06:34.279 really long time. These are people who have been married 0:06:34.320 --> 0:06:37.239 for fifteen years and they have three kids. This scene 0:06:37.240 --> 0:06:39.080 you're going to see here is a really good glimpse 0:06:39.120 --> 0:06:43.960 at what malignant narcissism can look like. Hey, babe, what 0:06:44.000 --> 0:06:47.120 are you watching? I don't know something. You just ruined 0:06:47.120 --> 0:06:51.599 by walking in front. Sorry, don't forget. I have that 0:06:51.680 --> 0:06:55.680 procedure on Monday. Yeah, will you come with me? Do 0:06:55.680 --> 0:06:57.839 you really need someone to go with you that? I'm 0:06:57.920 --> 0:07:00.640 pretty scared. I don't know what to tell you. You 0:07:00.640 --> 0:07:03.240 already know I don't like hospitals. Isn't it enough I'm 0:07:03.279 --> 0:07:06.000 already paying for your health insurance? Of course, I wish 0:07:06.000 --> 0:07:08.360 my husband was jumping at the chance to take care 0:07:08.360 --> 0:07:11.960 of me, but you know he doesn't really like hospitals. 0:07:12.240 --> 0:07:14.400 Here we go with the guilt trip. It's you, you, 0:07:14.400 --> 0:07:16.880 you you. I mean, the only thing you've done without 0:07:16.920 --> 0:07:20.280 my help is get sick, and honestly, I'm not sure 0:07:20.320 --> 0:07:22.840 I can really do this anymore. Okay, I'm sorry, and 0:07:23.040 --> 0:07:25.800 pretend I didn't say anything. He does pay all the 0:07:25.840 --> 0:07:30.200 bills and the insurance, and I am sick a lot. 0:07:30.600 --> 0:07:35.800 I really shouldn't complain. M. Wow, when I tell you 0:07:35.880 --> 0:07:40.600 I have seen that one that just seems blatantly abusive, 0:07:41.920 --> 0:07:45.360 but it's it's awful, right, narcissistic people of you sick 0:07:45.360 --> 0:07:49.239 people as inconveniences. They're like, you just made my life harder. 0:07:49.280 --> 0:07:51.080 I don't want to go at the hospital and now 0:07:51.560 --> 0:07:53.320 they have to feel bad for the sick person. That's 0:07:53.360 --> 0:07:58.320 too much empathy for them. M that's too much empathy. 0:07:59.520 --> 0:08:01.520 And I have heard that story so many times I 0:08:01.560 --> 0:08:04.720 can't count it. It is utter devastation, and it threatened 0:08:04.760 --> 0:08:08.400 things like leaving, and threatening leaving is the ultimate power play, right. 0:08:08.720 --> 0:08:12.280 I'm just confused as to how they can look at 0:08:12.320 --> 0:08:15.400 themselves and think that's okay, because they're not thinking. There's 0:08:15.400 --> 0:08:18.480 no self reflective capacity. Whelow. They do not look in words. 0:08:18.520 --> 0:08:20.400 You know how you're constantly looking inward and saying did 0:08:20.440 --> 0:08:25.560 I do self analyzation? But that ability to look in 0:08:25.600 --> 0:08:28.360 words and say, how am I affecting another person through 0:08:28.360 --> 0:08:31.480 my words, through my actions? That's empathy. We're always talking 0:08:31.480 --> 0:08:34.679 about empathy of like do I get your feelings? Empathy 0:08:34.840 --> 0:08:39.679 is paying attention to how I talk, carry myself and 0:08:39.760 --> 0:08:42.120 how it might impact someone else. And you've got to 0:08:42.160 --> 0:08:44.040 remember too, you look at a story like this, why 0:08:44.080 --> 0:08:48.640 did she marry him? They don't act like that? And 0:08:48.760 --> 0:08:51.480 let me tell you that's lightweight. What we just saw 0:08:51.640 --> 0:08:54.760 right there, that is light weight. And you said, you've 0:08:54.800 --> 0:09:00.199 seen this what happened? Unfortunately, I had to distance myself 0:09:00.800 --> 0:09:04.960 from my my girlfriend and her husband because it was 0:09:05.320 --> 0:09:08.520 I it was just too brutal to watch. That's why 0:09:08.520 --> 0:09:12.480 it's so upsetting, because you know, I've seen it. It's 0:09:12.640 --> 0:09:16.280 awful and it can be so insidious. And I think 0:09:16.400 --> 0:09:20.880 narcissism is at the core of every domestically abusive relationship, 0:09:21.400 --> 0:09:26.280 emotionally abusive relationships, and physically abusive relationships. I have to 0:09:26.320 --> 0:09:30.360 agree with you that makes total sense. I never even 0:09:31.120 --> 0:09:34.000 I thought about because even that lack of empathy, like 0:09:34.440 --> 0:09:39.640 to see someone being so physically hurt and to keep 0:09:40.679 --> 0:09:45.000 killing them all. Then domestic violence folks say, instead of 0:09:45.040 --> 0:09:48.520 asking why she's not leaving, let's question his behavior because 0:09:48.520 --> 0:09:50.800 that's the problem. Right, So what do you do in 0:09:50.840 --> 0:09:53.560 the scenario like this? So remember we've talked about this 0:09:53.640 --> 0:09:57.160 idea about going deep, right, not defending, not engaging, not explaining, 0:09:57.160 --> 0:10:00.440 not personalizing. The not personalizing is really a important here 0:10:00.440 --> 0:10:05.320 because people say, well, this is personal, right, There's a 0:10:05.320 --> 0:10:08.360 difference between something being personal it's very personal, and not 0:10:08.400 --> 0:10:12.480 personalizing it. She's not responsible for his conduct. His behavior 0:10:12.520 --> 0:10:16.120 is bad. I just can't imagine staying in a relationship 0:10:16.280 --> 0:10:20.600 like that for so, but there's so many people, so 0:10:20.640 --> 0:10:26.680 many people, So show us how to handle this. Don't forget. 0:10:26.679 --> 0:10:28.839 I have that procedure on Monday. Do you really need 0:10:28.880 --> 0:10:31.840 someone to go with you that? My sister will take me, right, 0:10:31.920 --> 0:10:38.679 cool day, it's it, so your your sister will take me, 0:10:38.760 --> 0:10:45.600 and I'll be sending your ass divorce bill. So, but 0:10:45.720 --> 0:10:48.160 you see what happens. People are saying, what is she doing? 0:10:48.160 --> 0:10:50.320 So she's just rolling over? She started rolling over. She 0:10:50.600 --> 0:10:53.840 is trying to survive. When people stay in these relationships, 0:10:54.000 --> 0:10:55.760 I often think of it in two ways. One is 0:10:55.800 --> 0:11:00.360 practical money children, they're gonna she's gonna sher costs. She 0:11:00.400 --> 0:11:04.079 didn't want to, she doesn't want to do that. Then 0:11:04.120 --> 0:11:07.920 there's the other piece, where people in these relationships already 0:11:07.920 --> 0:11:12.120 blame themselves. I'm not working, he makes the money. Maybe 0:11:12.120 --> 0:11:15.240 I'm asking too much. Maybe I'm the one who's being difficult. 0:11:15.440 --> 0:11:17.800 That justifying is actually at the core of something we 0:11:17.880 --> 0:11:20.280 call the trauma bond. That when a person is in 0:11:20.280 --> 0:11:24.360 a relationship with a narcissist, it's it's this old pattern, 0:11:24.520 --> 0:11:28.720 usually from childhood, where they've learned to justify another person's 0:11:28.760 --> 0:11:33.520 bad behavior, and over time, justification equals love. WHOA, that's 0:11:33.559 --> 0:11:36.800 the pattern. You know what, Dr Romney, You really hit 0:11:36.920 --> 0:11:42.079 on something there. That's Narcissist relationships are tough. So next 0:11:42.160 --> 0:11:46.400 is a very common but very misunderstood type of narcissists, 0:11:46.600 --> 0:11:49.360 which is a covert. What you're about to see is 0:11:49.400 --> 0:11:54.240 a really typical sort of covert narcissistic interaction. This is 0:11:54.240 --> 0:11:56.640 a form of narcissism, and if I was to put 0:11:56.679 --> 0:12:00.320 it in a word, it's victimized. They're always the d them, 0:12:00.600 --> 0:12:04.200 They're always blaming everyone else. They do not take responsibility. 0:12:04.360 --> 0:12:07.440 Their entitlement is more quiet, and in this scene it's 0:12:07.480 --> 0:12:12.640 between two sisters in law. So how's where it gone? Oh? 0:12:12.760 --> 0:12:16.880 Not good? So unfair. Mary got the promotion. I mean, 0:12:16.960 --> 0:12:19.680 of course she did. You know, my boss knows her dad, 0:12:19.840 --> 0:12:23.280 so everything always goes her way. I thought Mary was 0:12:23.320 --> 0:12:25.240 the one who brought him that big account last year, 0:12:25.280 --> 0:12:28.679 and everyone thinks she's great. So what I made it 0:12:28.679 --> 0:12:31.000 on my own. I didn't have any connections. I work 0:12:31.000 --> 0:12:33.959 harder than everyone else, and I never get it my way. 0:12:34.880 --> 0:12:37.240 I just have a dumb boss. I mean, I'm so 0:12:37.320 --> 0:12:39.000 much smarter than her, but no one has given me 0:12:39.040 --> 0:12:41.959 a chance to prove that. Sarah, I think you're great. 0:12:42.360 --> 0:12:45.160 It's just that it seems like maybe Mary deserves it. 0:12:45.200 --> 0:12:48.960 You don't get it. You don't and you never support me, 0:12:49.960 --> 0:12:53.320 how consciously I'm not supportive. That really hurt my feelings. 0:12:53.760 --> 0:12:56.880 I feel like I spent nine of my time listening 0:12:56.960 --> 0:12:59.280 to her complaint and honestly, you're starting to sound like 0:12:59.280 --> 0:13:01.079 everyone else. I don't even think I'm going to go 0:13:01.120 --> 0:13:03.640 into work tomorrow. Then everyone can see how valuable. I 0:13:03.640 --> 0:13:06.000 am who else would be her friend? I don't want 0:13:06.040 --> 0:13:08.280 to be all alone. I guess she's not that bad. 0:13:10.600 --> 0:13:15.800 Oh that person who's in constant victims speak. No one 0:13:15.840 --> 0:13:18.439 ever gives me a chance, nothing ever goes my way. 0:13:18.679 --> 0:13:20.280 You know, some days people are going to see how 0:13:20.280 --> 0:13:22.680 great I am, and boy, you'll all be sorry. It's 0:13:22.720 --> 0:13:28.080 always very negative. They're constant malcontents. They're never happy right now. 0:13:28.240 --> 0:13:32.920 I know some mal contents yeah, and a lot of 0:13:32.960 --> 0:13:37.199 malcontents are covert narcissays. This restaurants too crowded, This restaurants 0:13:37.200 --> 0:13:41.920 too empty, This view is terrible. Nothing nothing ever makes 0:13:41.960 --> 0:13:44.880 them happy? Wow? So what are we supposed to do? 0:13:45.120 --> 0:13:49.120 And the number one thing you should do is really 0:13:49.160 --> 0:13:52.760 avoid the temptation to rescue them because a lot of 0:13:52.760 --> 0:13:55.680 people almost want to jump into shrink mode with them. No, no, no, 0:13:55.760 --> 0:13:58.160 you like you're really great, or oh let me see 0:13:58.160 --> 0:13:59.720 if I can fix this. You don't like this restaurant, 0:13:59.720 --> 0:14:01.760 We could will find another. See what I'm saying a 0:14:01.760 --> 0:14:05.520 lot of people fall into that rescuely place. That's what 0:14:05.559 --> 0:14:07.199 I was. I was about to be like that to me, 0:14:07.360 --> 0:14:10.240 But it's not fairly. Remember you feel like you have 0:14:10.360 --> 0:14:14.840 a responsibility, rescue the right. But here's the thing, you 0:14:14.880 --> 0:14:17.679 never can right because you're gonna keep trying it. There 0:14:17.760 --> 0:14:21.600 never stops. You rescue them this one time, and then 0:14:21.960 --> 0:14:26.480 it happens again. She's in a situation right now. So 0:14:26.640 --> 0:14:30.280 this might break you of the cycle because it's gonna 0:14:30.320 --> 0:14:33.080 get you nowhere. You see what cycle you've been in 0:14:33.200 --> 0:14:35.840 and how it's been frustrating, how it's taken up so 0:14:35.960 --> 0:14:39.760 much of your time when that person is just lil. 0:14:42.360 --> 0:14:45.120 When I was watching that, in my mind, I'm going 0:14:45.640 --> 0:14:48.400 just you know, be compassionate because you know she's going 0:14:48.440 --> 0:14:50.800 through something. Let's see what the sister in law was 0:14:50.800 --> 0:14:54.280 saying at the end. She's saying of the time, it's 0:14:54.360 --> 0:14:57.040 me listening to her stuff. So never ends. When you 0:14:57.120 --> 0:14:59.560 fix one mess, it's always the next mess because they 0:14:59.600 --> 0:15:02.640 always field life is unfair to them, only them, And 0:15:02.680 --> 0:15:09.840 then like they enjoyed being in that yeah, yea yeah, 0:15:10.120 --> 0:15:12.800 that's how they get validation. Get me because like you've 0:15:12.840 --> 0:15:16.440 been through so much, so that's validation you really you're 0:15:16.480 --> 0:15:19.280 a fighter. So let's take a look at a strategy 0:15:19.360 --> 0:15:24.640 for this. Sow's where it gone. Oh not good? So unfair? 0:15:24.760 --> 0:15:27.320 Mary got the promotion I mean, of course she did. 0:15:27.680 --> 0:15:30.520 You know, my boss knows her dad, so everything always 0:15:30.560 --> 0:15:33.720 goes her way. I made it at my own. I 0:15:33.760 --> 0:15:36.800 didn't have any connections. I work harder than everyone else. 0:15:37.440 --> 0:15:40.080 I never get in my way. I just haven't done boss. 0:15:40.440 --> 0:15:42.360 I'm so much smarter than her, but no one has 0:15:42.360 --> 0:15:44.560 ever given me the chance to prove it. I hear 0:15:44.640 --> 0:15:47.520 you by me disengaging. I feel so good that I 0:15:47.560 --> 0:15:50.360 don't have to fall down that rabid hole of a spiral, 0:15:50.800 --> 0:15:55.520 because that was gonna cost me several hours. She really did. 0:15:55.920 --> 0:15:58.960 She didn't even respond. That's it. And that's her sister 0:15:59.000 --> 0:16:01.280 in law. So maybe, oh, maybe she's tight with her 0:16:01.320 --> 0:16:03.160 brother or whatever. But I know people are saying, well, 0:16:03.160 --> 0:16:06.480 aren't you just enabling her. She's not a therapist. That's 0:16:06.480 --> 0:16:08.520 not her job to fix her. I say, when you 0:16:08.560 --> 0:16:11.360 have someone like this, don't go on vacation with this person. 0:16:11.480 --> 0:16:14.200 They're gonna be the most miserable week of your life. 0:16:14.480 --> 0:16:17.960 And I say, people said a timer and say, you know, 0:16:18.200 --> 0:16:21.480 I'm so sorry, I gotta go. Can you change the subject? 0:16:21.560 --> 0:16:24.400 Like if she was there was like, girl, you had 0:16:24.440 --> 0:16:28.760 those stretches, You really can get tried that again either, 0:16:28.880 --> 0:16:31.040 all you see how they're all short term strategies, right, 0:16:31.040 --> 0:16:32.960 how many times you going to change the subject. Her 0:16:33.080 --> 0:16:34.720 sister in law is just going to keep in that 0:16:34.800 --> 0:16:38.480 negative spin. Yes, it seems like gas lighting is like 0:16:38.520 --> 0:16:43.240 a main narcissistic trait. So let's talk about what that 0:16:43.400 --> 0:16:46.880 is actually gas lighting. It's there's the other hot word 0:16:46.920 --> 0:16:50.560 of the Gaslighting is a form of manipulation where you 0:16:50.680 --> 0:16:53.760 really kind of get power over a person by doubting 0:16:53.880 --> 0:16:57.480 and invalidating their reality. You deny their reality. And when 0:16:57.480 --> 0:17:01.080 you deny someone's reality, ninety sign of people are like, 0:17:01.560 --> 0:17:04.359 maybe maybe they're right, maybe I didn't say that. We 0:17:04.400 --> 0:17:08.360 doubt ourselves. When it happens repeatedly, you feel like you're 0:17:08.520 --> 0:17:12.439 literally going crazy, but you no longer believe yourself. The 0:17:12.440 --> 0:17:14.760 only person you can really gaslight you is someone who 0:17:14.760 --> 0:17:17.359 either has some power or who you already trust a 0:17:17.400 --> 0:17:20.440 little already. That's why family members gas flight, That's why 0:17:20.560 --> 0:17:23.480 partners gaslight. So it's not just that gaslighting is not 0:17:23.560 --> 0:17:27.160 just lying. Gaslighting is lying and then twisting the knife 0:17:27.240 --> 0:17:29.960 further so you feel crazy. Could it also be in 0:17:30.000 --> 0:17:31.879 a form of like you're in an argument and they're like, 0:17:31.880 --> 0:17:37.560 I never said that, that's a gaslighting. Do I need 0:17:37.600 --> 0:17:41.800 to be recording? That's there? It is the first time 0:17:41.840 --> 0:17:44.919 someone says to me, I'm gonna start recording my conversation. Like, 0:17:44.920 --> 0:17:47.520 you're being gaslighted. It's that simple. Or when you feel 0:17:47.520 --> 0:17:50.640 they need to show someone like there's the text, You're 0:17:50.680 --> 0:17:53.119 being gaslighted because you feel like you need proof. When 0:17:53.160 --> 0:17:55.240 you feel like you need to bring an evidence base 0:17:55.560 --> 0:18:00.680 for your feelings, you're being gaslighted. Right. Well, we also 0:18:00.720 --> 0:18:06.280 have an example of gas lighting. The chicken is good? Right? 0:18:09.920 --> 0:18:12.440 Who is that? Oh? One of the guys from my 0:18:12.600 --> 0:18:15.000 fantasy lader. It looked like it said Melissa, and the 0:18:15.040 --> 0:18:19.240 message was too hearts. Wow you always go there? Yeah? 0:18:19.280 --> 0:18:23.080 I do always go there, especially given our track record. Okay, fine, 0:18:23.600 --> 0:18:27.399 it was Melissa Gregg's wife planning a surprise golf trip 0:18:27.440 --> 0:18:29.720 for him. Can we just get through one meal without 0:18:29.720 --> 0:18:32.720 your accusing me or something? Your way too sensitive? If 0:18:32.720 --> 0:18:34.879 I was getting heart text from another woman, do you 0:18:34.880 --> 0:18:36.240 think I would have my phone on the table for 0:18:36.240 --> 0:18:40.520 you to see it. You are so confused, don't act crazy. Look, 0:18:40.680 --> 0:18:42.280 I'm leaving out of town soon. I just wanted to 0:18:42.280 --> 0:18:45.200 have a good night us chilling, no drama. You don't 0:18:45.240 --> 0:18:46.960 want me going out of town not feeling you. Right, 0:18:47.560 --> 0:18:49.760 I'm afraid that Brian is going to cheat on me again, 0:18:50.119 --> 0:18:52.000 and I just need to get ahold of myself with 0:18:52.040 --> 0:18:56.199 all the wild accusations. You know, baby, I'm sorry, You're right, Okay? 0:18:57.080 --> 0:18:59.639 Do you see what I'm saying. She's almost like trying 0:18:59.680 --> 0:19:03.920 to win him back over again. He keeps the power. Wow. 0:19:04.040 --> 0:19:06.239 So a big way we get people gaslight each other 0:19:06.320 --> 0:19:11.240 as they say things like that never happened. You always 0:19:11.320 --> 0:19:14.720 do that. There's no nevers and always is in relationships. Right, 0:19:14.840 --> 0:19:17.720 that's a gaslight. I tell people, I need you to 0:19:17.760 --> 0:19:20.720 write down all this icky stuff that's happening in the 0:19:20.760 --> 0:19:24.199 relationship every time that they've doubted your reality, so you 0:19:24.240 --> 0:19:26.840 can see it's a pattern. There's no possibility of a 0:19:26.880 --> 0:19:30.160 long term, healthy relationship with somebody who's a chronic gas lighter. 0:19:30.400 --> 0:19:33.639 It's just not possible, all right. So as we were 0:19:33.680 --> 0:19:36.920 putting together this table, Alex, a thirty six year old, 0:19:36.960 --> 0:19:40.320 reached out and said he was worried he was a narcissist. 0:19:40.640 --> 0:19:43.600 So Dr Romney sat down with him for a one 0:19:43.600 --> 0:19:47.240 on one session. This is very rare for this to happen. 0:19:47.800 --> 0:19:52.600 A narcissist asking for help. Yeah, because they don't typically 0:19:53.040 --> 0:19:55.240 recognize that. They don't, but you know when they do 0:19:55.280 --> 0:19:58.080 start recognizing it, gamm me, when everything starts falling apart 0:19:58.080 --> 0:20:04.000 in their life. I'm here today because my dad is 0:20:03.960 --> 0:20:06.800 an artist. I've been suspected I might be one too, 0:20:09.080 --> 0:20:11.440 And having heard some people I loved in my life recently, 0:20:11.520 --> 0:20:15.639 I'm being really scared that I will only get worse 0:20:16.119 --> 0:20:21.040 as life goes on. The way I would describe my 0:20:21.040 --> 0:20:26.919 life now is depressing, dark, confusing, lonely. I've sort of 0:20:27.119 --> 0:20:30.000 had a generally lucky life, I would say, in terms of, 0:20:30.080 --> 0:20:32.760 you know, school being easy for me and getting straight 0:20:32.760 --> 0:20:35.000 a's and all of that. You know, valedictorian, and I 0:20:35.119 --> 0:20:38.119 had a good job and you know, making decent money 0:20:38.200 --> 0:20:41.000 and and so things are just smooth. But always told me, 0:20:41.040 --> 0:20:43.160 don't feel like you're inadequate. It sounds like you never 0:20:43.200 --> 0:20:46.280 did feel inadequate. Never when you also have the best 0:20:46.280 --> 0:20:48.480 grades of being hired out of college for to a 0:20:48.480 --> 0:20:52.840 six figure salary. Sort of combination of that becomes off. 0:20:53.440 --> 0:20:56.320 I am really good, right, I'm special? Yeah, and so 0:20:56.480 --> 0:21:00.400 I am I know better than others in some way. Okay, so, 0:21:00.720 --> 0:21:02.679 according to my dad. Of course, I own him for 0:21:02.720 --> 0:21:04.840 every little thing in my achievement. Okay, everything that's good, 0:21:04.880 --> 0:21:06.840 we all to him. Everything as bad as com is 0:21:06.880 --> 0:21:08.720 from somewhere else. Okay. My dad and I've worked together, 0:21:08.760 --> 0:21:12.760 we argue a lot. The arguments became so unhealthy right 0:21:12.800 --> 0:21:14.919 over the little things, and I felt none of my 0:21:14.960 --> 0:21:18.520 ideas were meaningful to my dad. I said that I 0:21:18.560 --> 0:21:21.040 just don't think we worked together well. He dis owned 0:21:21.040 --> 0:21:24.160 me as a son. He disowned you. I clearly remember 0:21:24.200 --> 0:21:26.439 sitting on a couch and he said, you're you're no 0:21:26.480 --> 0:21:29.720 longer my son. Oh. I didn't know anything about narcisism 0:21:29.760 --> 0:21:32.119 at the time, but what I understood is that my 0:21:32.280 --> 0:21:36.439 dad can be extremely cruel on a dime. You pushed 0:21:36.480 --> 0:21:39.920 back on what your father wanted, you said first time ever, 0:21:40.440 --> 0:21:42.240 and he abandoned you. He rejected you. I think he 0:21:42.280 --> 0:21:44.760 wanted me to feel very guilty. He wanted to control 0:21:44.800 --> 0:21:47.080 you again. That's when I sort of sort of seeing 0:21:47.160 --> 0:21:51.960 some signs of how do I say, like the the 0:21:51.960 --> 0:21:54.639 the after effects of growing up in an environment like I. 0:21:55.080 --> 0:21:57.480 It's hard for me to tolerate bureaucracy. It's hard for 0:21:57.480 --> 0:22:00.600 me to tolerate incompetence. I get hired to a corporation 0:22:01.320 --> 0:22:04.439 that has a big structure, working for this fortune company, 0:22:04.600 --> 0:22:06.959 I feel like a number. And to me it's like, 0:22:07.240 --> 0:22:10.360 this is stupid, this is wrong, and it's really I'm 0:22:10.440 --> 0:22:13.840 very impatient. Yes, we're all. Everyone you encounter every day 0:22:13.840 --> 0:22:18.720 of your life was shaped by their parents. You so 0:22:18.840 --> 0:22:23.240 far laid out entitlement. I'm special, arrogance, I'm better than 0:22:23.280 --> 0:22:28.200 this and contempt. This is stupid, Like, there's no I 0:22:28.240 --> 0:22:31.400 don't see the point in this, right, So you're stacking 0:22:31.480 --> 0:22:34.960 up the lugs, it's right, yes, So I think at 0:22:34.960 --> 0:22:36.640 some point I got five from five jobs in a row. 0:22:36.880 --> 0:22:42.040 Why would you get fired? Uh, insubordination, want into things 0:22:42.119 --> 0:22:45.000 my way? Only um, one time I try to get 0:22:45.040 --> 0:22:47.680 up my boss fired. All those jobs you were at 0:22:48.440 --> 0:22:52.399 where you were insubordinating to people are mistreating them, you 0:22:52.520 --> 0:22:55.399 were hurting them. They went home, some of them cried, 0:22:55.480 --> 0:22:58.520 some of them couldn't sleep, some of them couldn't function, 0:22:58.600 --> 0:23:01.200 couldn't pay attention to are kids because they were thinking 0:23:01.240 --> 0:23:05.200 about how you behave no possible I would say death. 0:23:05.600 --> 0:23:08.359 And I never had a single remorse about okay, and 0:23:08.440 --> 0:23:10.639 that's okay. So I had no remorse about the fact 0:23:10.640 --> 0:23:13.960