WEBVTT - Michael Allio: Single-Parent Love Lives and Overcoming Grief | Golden Hour 0:00:07.720 --> 0:00:10.160 Welcome back everyone to the Golden Hour. 0:00:10.320 --> 0:00:13.800 I'm Susan, and I think today I will be Kathy. 0:00:14.000 --> 0:00:16.080 I think you will. How are you, honey. 0:00:16.720 --> 0:00:19.080 I'm just doing great. I'm loving World Cup. I just 0:00:19.160 --> 0:00:21.680 I wish World Cup came every year. I love soccer. 0:00:21.920 --> 0:00:24.680 And do you know I understand the off side's rule? 0:00:24.840 --> 0:00:26.000 Just so we're all clear here. 0:00:26.480 --> 0:00:29.120 And he was a coach where you was a referee. 0:00:29.400 --> 0:00:32.559 I was a referee anytimes. I just watched those handsome 0:00:32.600 --> 0:00:34.519 guys kick that ball around. 0:00:34.320 --> 0:00:37.400 Damn and they can't touch with their hands. Susan, that's 0:00:37.479 --> 0:00:38.200 rule number one. 0:00:38.440 --> 0:00:38.720 I know. 0:00:39.360 --> 0:00:42.720 All right, today we got this. I'm so excited. We 0:00:42.880 --> 0:00:46.080 have a very special guest this week who is not 0:00:46.240 --> 0:00:51.080 only a Bachelorette alum and Paradise slum too. I think 0:00:51.400 --> 0:00:54.880 Buddy is coming out with a new children's book. Hello 0:00:54.960 --> 0:00:56.560 Michael Allio or how are you? 0:00:57.080 --> 0:00:59.320 Hey, Kathy? Hey, Susan, how you doing it? Thanks for 0:00:59.320 --> 0:00:59.880 having me on. 0:01:00.440 --> 0:01:02.920 We are doing great. We are doing great. I don't 0:01:02.920 --> 0:01:05.760 even know where to begin. First of all, how are you? 0:01:06.319 --> 0:01:07.000 Let's start there. 0:01:07.760 --> 0:01:11.120 I'm doing great. Life is really good. I think we're 0:01:11.160 --> 0:01:14.679 in the seasons of blessings over here and we're in 0:01:14.680 --> 0:01:18.760 the process of like remodeling every single room in our house. 0:01:18.800 --> 0:01:22.080 It started as one single room and now it's just 0:01:22.200 --> 0:01:25.039 exploded into everything. So I just got back from a 0:01:25.080 --> 0:01:27.720 thrift store and a bunch of stuff. I don't even 0:01:27.800 --> 0:01:29.280 know where it goes, but it's gonna. 0:01:29.000 --> 0:01:33.280 Go from I just finished a remodeling. Trust me, it's 0:01:33.400 --> 0:01:35.520 like disease. It spreads very great. 0:01:36.480 --> 0:01:38.680 That's work scope, and it just takes off. It takes 0:01:38.720 --> 0:01:39.559 a life of its own. 0:01:40.000 --> 0:01:42.600 It's a project, for sure. But Michael, just to let 0:01:42.600 --> 0:01:46.840 our fans know a little bit more about you, how 0:01:46.880 --> 0:01:51.360 would you describe the version of Michael that walked onto 0:01:51.400 --> 0:01:54.800 the Bachelorette compared to who you are today? I know 0:01:54.840 --> 0:01:56.240 you've been through quite a bit. 0:01:56.640 --> 0:02:01.280 Yeah, I mean, I think anyone who's been on the show, 0:02:02.000 --> 0:02:04.560 and been on the Bachelor, of Bachelorette, any of the 0:02:04.920 --> 0:02:10.839 franchise shows, you get a snippet of what each person is. 0:02:10.880 --> 0:02:14.680 You never get the totality of what any individual is. 0:02:14.880 --> 0:02:20.960 And I mean, I would say, looking back on myself 0:02:21.000 --> 0:02:24.360 in the Bachelorette role, it was two years after Laura 0:02:24.400 --> 0:02:27.600 had passed. I was very much caught up in grief, 0:02:27.800 --> 0:02:31.600 and you know, trying to figure out where my life 0:02:31.800 --> 0:02:35.120 was really going, how I was going to make You know, 0:02:35.200 --> 0:02:39.280 these next leaps in chapters into my life happen. You know, 0:02:39.360 --> 0:02:43.359 it was two years as a single parent, and at 0:02:43.360 --> 0:02:47.080 the time, I mean anyone that's experienced grief whatsoever, you 0:02:47.280 --> 0:02:51.880 always feel as though if you're farther along from a 0:02:51.880 --> 0:02:55.680 time perspective, you feel like you're processing it better. But 0:02:55.760 --> 0:03:00.320 it isn't until afterwards, when you actually make sense of 0:03:00.480 --> 0:03:03.240 everything and life starts to take shape, that you can 0:03:03.240 --> 0:03:06.600 look backwards and say, man, I was I was totally lost. 0:03:06.840 --> 0:03:10.320 So I would say this version of myself is just 0:03:10.800 --> 0:03:12.520 I don't know, a lot more, a lot more grateful, 0:03:12.560 --> 0:03:14.760 a lot more clear than I've than I've ever been. 0:03:15.880 --> 0:03:20.960 Yeah, again, the same thing, you know, walking through the 0:03:21.000 --> 0:03:25.840 grief that you and I have both losing spouses. Do 0:03:25.919 --> 0:03:29.040 you feel like your experience though changed you, because I 0:03:29.080 --> 0:03:32.000 know my experience being on the Golden Bachelor changed me. 0:03:32.040 --> 0:03:34.679 Do you feel like it actually changed the way you 0:03:34.720 --> 0:03:35.400 look at life? 0:03:36.600 --> 0:03:40.240 I think it exposed me to things I otherwise would 0:03:40.240 --> 0:03:43.760 not have been exposed to. I mean, I think anytime 0:03:43.760 --> 0:03:49.240 you put yourself into onto a show, you you welcome 0:03:49.880 --> 0:03:54.680 public praise and also public criticism at the same exact light. 0:03:54.760 --> 0:03:57.960 So that was one thing that I had to learn 0:03:58.000 --> 0:04:02.120 to adjust is waking up on Monday morning and random 0:04:02.240 --> 0:04:06.920 people having an opinion about who you are and headlines 0:04:07.160 --> 0:04:09.040 and all of that. So it's a bit of a 0:04:09.080 --> 0:04:12.560 bizarre world that you have to adjust to. But I 0:04:12.560 --> 0:04:15.640 would say, at the core, it really hasn't changed at 0:04:15.640 --> 0:04:18.640 all who I am. I feel like I feel like 0:04:18.680 --> 0:04:21.760 in each season of my own life, I've I've stayed 0:04:21.800 --> 0:04:25.440 pretty true to the principles that that I've been raised 0:04:25.520 --> 0:04:29.039 with that seemed to be working for the most part, 0:04:29.120 --> 0:04:32.359 aren't bulletproof, but seemed to be working, and you know, 0:04:32.440 --> 0:04:33.880 try to try to stay true to that. 0:04:34.360 --> 0:04:37.320 And wasn't it true that your son wanted you to 0:04:37.400 --> 0:04:37.919 come home? 0:04:38.000 --> 0:04:42.800 And you yes, yeah, absolutely, And you know, I think 0:04:43.000 --> 0:04:45.440 I think when I went on the show for the 0:04:45.480 --> 0:04:49.880 first time, looking back, we actually didn't even know Katie 0:04:49.920 --> 0:04:52.840 was going to be the bachelorette. We were we were 0:04:52.880 --> 0:04:57.040 sitting in quarantine in New Mexico, and all of a 0:04:57.120 --> 0:05:00.760 sudden it was announced while we were there Katie was 0:05:00.800 --> 0:05:02.640 going to be the bachelorette. So it's like you're walking 0:05:02.680 --> 0:05:06.480 in there trying. You're kind of walking in to an 0:05:06.520 --> 0:05:11.080 experience and then once it starts, then you kind of 0:05:11.120 --> 0:05:15.320 open yourself up to you know, love and the whole 0:05:15.440 --> 0:05:19.600 entire process. And so it was. It was a bizarre 0:05:19.680 --> 0:05:23.880 but really amazing experience. Like I'm so happy that I 0:05:24.480 --> 0:05:26.320 did it because it's an experience a few people can 0:05:26.400 --> 0:05:28.400 actually talk about, that's. 0:05:28.279 --> 0:05:33.479 Right, And it had to help you with what you 0:05:33.640 --> 0:05:36.960 had just gone through for two years, Yeah, to help 0:05:37.000 --> 0:05:40.200 you take that next step back into your life again. 0:05:40.720 --> 0:05:43.000 Yeah, I mean I was saying this before it was 0:05:43.160 --> 0:05:47.520 twenty nineteen. Laura passed. Then for two years, just trying 0:05:47.520 --> 0:05:52.120 to figure out support system, what is new normals, you know, 0:05:52.320 --> 0:05:55.240 scared for my child that he's going to grow up 0:05:55.320 --> 0:05:59.000 with dad that has no idea what he's doing, and 0:05:59.279 --> 0:06:03.159 he would be to be scared about that. And then 0:06:03.240 --> 0:06:06.600 COVID hits and then it's like, oh my gosh, like 0:06:06.800 --> 0:06:09.800 there is my whole entire support system. There goes everything. 0:06:10.400 --> 0:06:14.200 And it just so happened that the producers had reached 0:06:14.200 --> 0:06:17.520 out to me on Instagram during that time, and it 0:06:17.600 --> 0:06:19.320 felt like a good time to just kind of roll 0:06:19.360 --> 0:06:21.880 the dice and take a risk and jump into a 0:06:21.880 --> 0:06:24.200 new experience, and I'm I'm happy I did. 0:06:24.560 --> 0:06:27.159 It saved you almost if you will, Yeah. 0:06:27.120 --> 0:06:31.040 I needed the spark. Yeah, And I think as we 0:06:31.120 --> 0:06:33.760 get older, there's you can get caught up in the 0:06:33.839 --> 0:06:38.159 routine of life. You can lose your zust, you know, 0:06:38.240 --> 0:06:41.640 your youthfulness, like the things that used to fire you up. 0:06:42.080 --> 0:06:45.760 And it was an important reminder to me to say 0:06:45.839 --> 0:06:49.600 yes to things that feel uncomfortable and to dive in. 0:06:50.520 --> 0:06:54.279 Yeah, I have to say and I've said this to Susan. 0:06:54.600 --> 0:06:58.160 You and I share the grief of losing a spouse 0:06:58.680 --> 0:07:04.040 and saying yes two opportunities has given me strength and 0:07:05.000 --> 0:07:10.400 solidified my walk through grief and dealing with all the 0:07:10.440 --> 0:07:14.560 things that that we deal with. Your son, though, was two. 0:07:15.040 --> 0:07:17.800 Laura was thirty three when she died. You had this 0:07:17.880 --> 0:07:23.720 two year old son. Was there a moment in time 0:07:23.800 --> 0:07:29.119 because my children were older when my spouse, my husband, Daryl, died. 0:07:30.400 --> 0:07:34.640 Was there a moment where you realize that grief isn't 0:07:34.720 --> 0:07:38.640 just a momentary deal, It's something that you live with. 0:07:38.960 --> 0:07:41.840 It has different incarnations. Can you talk a little bit 0:07:41.880 --> 0:07:42.360 about that. 0:07:43.800 --> 0:07:46.520 Yeah, I mean the short answer is I learned that 0:07:46.600 --> 0:07:51.440 every single day. And I think there was a turning 0:07:51.560 --> 0:07:57.400 point where I wanted to go back to the person 0:07:57.480 --> 0:08:00.760 I was before grief hit my life, and I was 0:08:01.160 --> 0:08:04.720 wrongfully using that as the metric that I needed to 0:08:04.760 --> 0:08:08.760 get back to in the benchmark. And the truth is 0:08:08.760 --> 0:08:11.200 is that when grief or something hits your life, or 0:08:11.200 --> 0:08:15.160 you go through something that transformative, you're no longer that 0:08:15.240 --> 0:08:19.440 person anymore. And kind of welcoming that new version of 0:08:19.520 --> 0:08:23.520 myself that had been through those I mean traumas that 0:08:23.560 --> 0:08:28.760 have been through the struggle that was the beginning to 0:08:29.000 --> 0:08:34.200 being able to heal. And again, healing isn't the absence 0:08:34.280 --> 0:08:39.679 of sadness. It's embracing it, actually, and it's allowing yourself 0:08:39.720 --> 0:08:44.120 to have all of those emotions that come with it. 0:08:44.200 --> 0:08:47.800 And I think for a while was the avoidance of 0:08:48.400 --> 0:08:53.000 pain that I was seeking and that was completely wrong. 0:08:53.040 --> 0:08:55.160 If I could go back to talk to myself again, 0:08:55.240 --> 0:08:58.000 I would tell myself, like, run into it, feel all 0:08:58.040 --> 0:09:01.920 the feels. It's just, you know, the amount of sadness 0:09:01.920 --> 0:09:04.120 that I felt is just the way to the amount 0:09:04.160 --> 0:09:07.240 of love that I had for Laura. And so that 0:09:07.400 --> 0:09:11.280 that's a blessing and that's something I carry with me today. 0:09:11.960 --> 0:09:15.000 Yeah, it's like finding your happy again, because you know 0:09:15.120 --> 0:09:17.640 she would want you to be happy again. Your son 0:09:17.760 --> 0:09:20.280 needs you to be happy and possitive. 0:09:19.760 --> 0:09:22.280 And we deserve it. Yeah, I mean at the end 0:09:22.320 --> 0:09:25.000 of the day, like I think there was, there was 0:09:25.080 --> 0:09:30.040 a long time there where I felt like an obligation 0:09:30.480 --> 0:09:35.120 to live a life for Laura, and I lost myself 0:09:35.160 --> 0:09:37.800 a little bit in that process. To be honest, I 0:09:38.320 --> 0:09:41.720 forgot who Michael was because I was very much in 0:09:41.800 --> 0:09:46.480 this service role of trying to do that. So as 0:09:46.559 --> 0:09:50.000 much as I honor Laura and just about everything that 0:09:50.080 --> 0:09:53.200 I do and I see her every day and my son, 0:09:53.760 --> 0:09:55.880 I lost a bit of my own identity in the 0:09:55.920 --> 0:09:59.480 process as a caregiver, as a father, as you guys 0:09:59.520 --> 0:10:03.720 know as parents, and all the roles that we play, 0:10:03.840 --> 0:10:05.840 like who are we now? 0:10:06.360 --> 0:10:09.280 How did this happen? 0:10:09.720 --> 0:10:10.360 Where are we? 0:10:16.320 --> 0:10:21.360 You know, you talk about being a caregiver and getting 0:10:21.400 --> 0:10:24.400 lord to all our doctor's appointments and everything that you 0:10:24.440 --> 0:10:27.400 had to you had to be strong for her, and 0:10:27.440 --> 0:10:31.160 then that void, that emptiness, that the suddenness of Okay, 0:10:31.200 --> 0:10:34.640 now I have a two year old to raise, and 0:10:34.720 --> 0:10:37.880 I again, my children were older and we had different 0:10:37.880 --> 0:10:41.640 conversations about loss and grief and all of those things. 0:10:41.920 --> 0:10:45.960 But for me, my kids were obviously a little bit older, 0:10:46.000 --> 0:10:48.840 so in some ways, in some ways it was more difficult. 0:10:48.880 --> 0:10:51.240 In some ways it was easier to have those conversations. 0:10:51.240 --> 0:10:54.920 But we now have gotten to a place in our 0:10:55.000 --> 0:10:57.840 family where we can make jokes and bring back the 0:10:57.920 --> 0:11:02.520 wonderful memories. That's got to be different for you because 0:11:03.040 --> 0:11:06.559 your son was so young. How do you keep Laura's 0:11:07.040 --> 0:11:08.800 memory alive? For James? 0:11:09.760 --> 0:11:14.920 Yeah, I would say in the beginning, I didn't want 0:11:14.960 --> 0:11:18.800 my son to forget how great his mother was. And 0:11:18.840 --> 0:11:21.360 then there was a point where I had to stop 0:11:21.400 --> 0:11:25.320 myself because I could be pushing this kind of guilt 0:11:25.360 --> 0:11:29.200 on him that he doesn't remember. And so what I 0:11:29.280 --> 0:11:33.079 started to do was, I mean, I told him stories 0:11:33.120 --> 0:11:37.559 about his mom, if he did something where he laughed 0:11:38.200 --> 0:11:40.800 just like her. I mean nature and nurture. I've said 0:11:40.800 --> 0:11:44.560 this before. It is nature all the way I mean 0:11:44.640 --> 0:11:49.319 he is. She is very much in him and it's 0:11:49.360 --> 0:11:52.240 a beautiful thing to see. And just like you, Kathy, 0:11:53.360 --> 0:11:55.520 there was a time when we couldn't look back at 0:11:55.520 --> 0:12:00.000 those memories without being sad, and now we're looking back 0:12:00.240 --> 0:12:04.840 there with a smile as how blessed we were that that, 0:12:05.600 --> 0:12:08.120 you know, out of the billions of years of the 0:12:08.160 --> 0:12:11.080 earth being around and all the billions of people, that 0:12:11.160 --> 0:12:14.800 somehow we crossed paths and created something so beautiful as 0:12:14.840 --> 0:12:18.360 this kid. And so yeah, I mean it's it's it's 0:12:18.440 --> 0:12:21.240 absolutely a tragedy, but I've I've tried to find the 0:12:21.280 --> 0:12:22.840 silver linings in it over time. 0:12:23.440 --> 0:12:27.280 Yeah, and what made you start your book? What were 0:12:27.320 --> 0:12:28.720 your thoughts going in? 0:12:29.440 --> 0:12:32.600 Yeah, the book really wasn't meant to be a book. 0:12:33.160 --> 0:12:35.760 It was a way. Well first it started as me 0:12:35.880 --> 0:12:39.440 acknowledging as a parent that I don't have the answers 0:12:39.960 --> 0:12:45.480 and breaching some of these topics are very uncomfortable for me. 0:12:46.920 --> 0:12:51.079 You know, there's so many things I had to learn 0:12:51.240 --> 0:12:54.840 as being both mother and father. It was, you know, 0:12:54.960 --> 0:12:58.280 rubbed some dirt on it, and you know its his 0:12:58.360 --> 0:13:00.079 kisses booboo, and. 0:13:00.240 --> 0:13:02.080 Which one should I do make you a man, a 0:13:02.120 --> 0:13:04.439 tough guy or kiss exactly? 0:13:04.480 --> 0:13:06.440 I mean, I got way these things out. So, I 0:13:06.440 --> 0:13:08.680 mean I've tried to learn all of these things. And 0:13:09.120 --> 0:13:12.160 one thing I've always loved doing was writing. So again, 0:13:12.200 --> 0:13:14.920 it never started as a book. I wrote actually thirty 0:13:14.960 --> 0:13:18.520 five of these stories that we would read at bedtime, 0:13:19.080 --> 0:13:24.960 that addressed not just grief, but growing up and all 0:13:25.040 --> 0:13:29.440 of the challenges that could be losing touch with a friend, 0:13:29.720 --> 0:13:35.680 that could be forgiving people, resentfulness, individuality, all of these 0:13:35.720 --> 0:13:39.360 things that kids but also grown ups struggle with too. 0:13:40.000 --> 0:13:43.920 And so in many ways, this book is equally for 0:13:44.120 --> 0:13:47.840 adults lessons that we forgot when we were kids, and 0:13:47.880 --> 0:13:52.280 it's it's really explained through kids' stories because we're more 0:13:52.400 --> 0:13:56.280 open to hearing it when it's in kids language than 0:13:56.280 --> 0:13:57.640 when someone's preaching at us. 0:13:58.040 --> 0:14:01.520 Yeah, and kids and kids are so not judgmental, they're 0:14:01.600 --> 0:14:05.200 so open to receiving receiving messages. But and I have 0:14:05.280 --> 0:14:09.199 to tell the truth here. I've already ordered your book. 0:14:09.320 --> 0:14:11.000 We're going to tell people where they can get it 0:14:11.000 --> 0:14:14.160 in a bit here, But I've already read your book 0:14:14.440 --> 0:14:20.360 and ordered several copies because I think that people will think, 0:14:20.840 --> 0:14:24.040 if they know your story, that this book is about grief. 0:14:24.680 --> 0:14:29.160 And while it does touch on grief, it's what I 0:14:29.240 --> 0:14:32.680 was taken with when I read your book like three times. 0:14:33.600 --> 0:14:36.840 First of all the fabulous, incredible illustrations, but also you 0:14:36.960 --> 0:14:43.120 talk about resiliency, friendship, honesty, courage, all these attributes that 0:14:43.920 --> 0:14:47.720 we want our children to embrace and sometimes as adults 0:14:47.920 --> 0:14:49.080 we need reminders. 0:14:49.800 --> 0:14:53.880 Yes, and thank you for reading it. I really appreciate it. 0:14:53.360 --> 0:14:57.400 We poured so much into this and James actually hands 0:14:57.400 --> 0:15:02.000 selected seven of the stories in the book. And we 0:15:02.120 --> 0:15:07.480 use really Nature as a metaphor for growing up, growing old, 0:15:07.680 --> 0:15:11.640 and explaining the seasons of life, because nothing can teach 0:15:11.720 --> 0:15:16.720 us about seasons more than nature. And one of the 0:15:16.800 --> 0:15:20.040 best things that I have learned over the years is, 0:15:20.080 --> 0:15:24.360 no matter what type of emotion you're feeling, you have 0:15:24.440 --> 0:15:27.360 to be able to identify it first. You have to 0:15:27.360 --> 0:15:31.920 be able to understand and name it, name it and 0:15:32.080 --> 0:15:35.600 understand that it's not going to last forever. That we've 0:15:35.640 --> 0:15:38.800 seen these cycles before in our life, whether it was 0:15:38.880 --> 0:15:42.440 when we were fifteen trying to figure out what we're 0:15:42.440 --> 0:15:44.240 going to do with the rest of our life, whether 0:15:44.320 --> 0:15:47.200 it was the right person to get married with, struggling 0:15:47.200 --> 0:15:50.040 to get the job, saving to get the money, all 0:15:50.080 --> 0:15:53.320 of these things. We have gone through these cycles of 0:15:54.120 --> 0:15:59.000 celebrating and beating ourselves up. And you know, grief isn't 0:15:59.080 --> 0:16:02.560 just about losing a person. It is about mourning the 0:16:02.600 --> 0:16:05.120 loss of the person that you thought you would be 0:16:05.440 --> 0:16:06.760 in that season. 0:16:06.680 --> 0:16:09.400 That's right at that moment in time. And I think 0:16:09.440 --> 0:16:12.160 that for me again, Michael, I want to become your 0:16:12.200 --> 0:16:15.680 publicist because I'm totally I'm totally sold on this book. 0:16:16.840 --> 0:16:20.800 But I also feel like it it reminds people we 0:16:21.040 --> 0:16:24.880 all get so busy with our lives living in the moment, 0:16:25.920 --> 0:16:29.720 literally smelling the roses, literally looking up at the clouds, 0:16:30.160 --> 0:16:34.440 looking at the every every story that in this book 0:16:35.440 --> 0:16:40.200 has has multi layers of meaning. And I think that's why. 0:16:40.360 --> 0:16:43.840 To me, it's about being grateful, right, grateful. 0:16:44.240 --> 0:16:47.160 There's there's there's nature, there's gratitude in it. It is 0:16:47.320 --> 0:16:52.040 it is also appreciating the stillness in our lives. I 0:16:52.440 --> 0:16:56.320 know that me, for example, I feel a type of 0:16:56.400 --> 0:17:00.240 anxiety when I don't feel progress in my life. I 0:17:00.280 --> 0:17:03.520 feel like things are stagnant. I get antsy. But the 0:17:03.600 --> 0:17:07.119 truth is is that growth is happening in those still 0:17:07.160 --> 0:17:11.439 moments as well. And sometimes taking that step backwards is 0:17:12.200 --> 0:17:14.920 just regrouping so that you can make the next move. 0:17:15.600 --> 0:17:19.240 And so and there's a lot of different stories about 0:17:20.200 --> 0:17:22.800 that really put nature at the root of it to 0:17:22.840 --> 0:17:26.560 help bring us. At least for me and James, these 0:17:26.560 --> 0:17:28.920 are all our bedtime stories. It brought us a sense 0:17:28.960 --> 0:17:32.600 of calm, knowing that we're not the only ones that 0:17:32.760 --> 0:17:37.080 experienced this sty of It's really shared by almost everything 0:17:37.119 --> 0:17:37.840 in this planet. 0:17:38.200 --> 0:17:41.440 And as you were writing these short stories for his bedtime, 0:17:41.520 --> 0:17:45.040 do you think you were helping yourself heal At the 0:17:45.080 --> 0:17:47.320 same time, I was. 0:17:47.240 --> 0:17:48.800 Always writing them for myself. 0:17:49.359 --> 0:17:49.560 Yeah. 0:17:49.600 --> 0:17:53.040 I mean we always say the words we wish someone 0:17:53.040 --> 0:17:58.040 would say to us, right, And this book, if you 0:17:58.160 --> 0:18:02.400 read it, it doesn't lecture, it doesn't give you answers. 0:18:02.480 --> 0:18:07.359 It's it's supposed to create a conversation. Being clean, Yeah, 0:18:07.440 --> 0:18:12.080 a little critical thinking, create a natural bridge between parent 0:18:12.119 --> 0:18:16.760 and so that a conversation can happen. And what I 0:18:16.800 --> 0:18:19.919 have found is that every time I just had a 0:18:19.960 --> 0:18:23.919 conversation about the birds and bees with my son, I 0:18:24.000 --> 0:18:26.840 was freaking out about having this up. 0:18:27.600 --> 0:18:29.680 Is that in volume two of the next book. 0:18:29.760 --> 0:18:33.040 Yeah, that's a different kind of nature that did not 0:18:33.160 --> 0:18:36.679 get put out of this book. But I'm sitting there sweating, like, 0:18:36.840 --> 0:18:38.920 oh my god, how do I bring this up? Geez, 0:18:38.960 --> 0:18:40.919 I wish suck I could get some help here. I 0:18:41.000 --> 0:18:44.439 brought up and he was like, oh, okay, cool, like 0:18:44.760 --> 0:18:48.000 he totally understood it. He you know, he I'm sure 0:18:48.040 --> 0:18:51.920 he'll have follow up questions. But kids can under I 0:18:51.920 --> 0:18:56.000 don't know. Kids can handle things sometimes a lot better 0:18:56.040 --> 0:18:56.840 than adults can. 0:18:58.920 --> 0:19:03.040 We overthink everything, and and kids are I think, much 0:19:03.080 --> 0:19:07.160 more resilient as us. They're just there and they're they 0:19:07.320 --> 0:19:10.479 they're not as judgmental. I mean, it's it's really we 0:19:10.520 --> 0:19:13.719 all need to recapture our childlike brains and minds. 0:19:13.760 --> 0:19:17.000 Because yes, in a way, yes, And when I was 0:19:17.040 --> 0:19:19.320 writing this book, I'm glad Kathy, when you read it 0:19:19.440 --> 0:19:23.320 you saw the layers, because I really wanted it to 0:19:23.400 --> 0:19:27.080 be a way for parent and child to connect at bedtime, 0:19:27.640 --> 0:19:31.240 but I've also wanted parents to It's almost a kid's 0:19:31.240 --> 0:19:34.760 book written for adults too. On the flip side, yeah, 0:19:35.160 --> 0:19:40.920 and for example, there's there's a story about a tale 0:19:40.960 --> 0:19:44.840 of two streams in here, where two streams live their 0:19:44.960 --> 0:19:48.400 whole entire life running parallel to each other. They swear 0:19:48.400 --> 0:19:50.040 they're going to be best friends for the rest of 0:19:50.080 --> 0:19:53.440 their life, and then they run into this big boulder 0:19:53.480 --> 0:19:57.680 that forces them to go their opposite directions. One takes 0:19:57.680 --> 0:19:59.960 the high land, the other one goes to the lowland. 0:20:00.240 --> 0:20:06.120 They experience totally different things and are fulfilled as individuals 0:20:06.600 --> 0:20:09.199 by that journey, so that one obstacle felt like the 0:20:09.320 --> 0:20:12.959 end of the world, but life continues and they end 0:20:13.080 --> 0:20:17.200 up coming back together, completely changed and better for it. 0:20:17.640 --> 0:20:21.080 So a kid may see two streams, but an adult 0:20:21.160 --> 0:20:23.920 may see a friend that they lost touch with that 0:20:24.040 --> 0:20:26.760 maybe they've outgrown in this season of life. Maybe it's 0:20:27.119 --> 0:20:30.840 a partner in a relationship and a divorce where that's 0:20:30.880 --> 0:20:34.600 where the road ends, and that's okay, And if the 0:20:34.640 --> 0:20:37.399 world brings us back together, then so be it. But 0:20:37.560 --> 0:20:40.040 for now, this season, it's time for us to go 0:20:40.119 --> 0:20:40.919 our different ways. 0:20:41.240 --> 0:20:44.919 Have you always been this level headed? I don't mean, 0:20:45.040 --> 0:20:46.160 come on, tell me the truth? 0:20:46.200 --> 0:20:50.080 Now? Who was who you talk to? I guess you. 0:20:51.720 --> 0:20:55.240 Read I was going to ask you, Michael, if, because 0:20:55.280 --> 0:20:59.119 truly I love all the stories, is there one story 0:20:59.720 --> 0:21:02.760 that feels particularly personal to you? 0:21:04.160 --> 0:21:08.919 I mean, they're all rooted in something that happened in 0:21:09.040 --> 0:21:14.320 my life. There's the bird that carried stones I think 0:21:14.400 --> 0:21:20.720 is one that's highly relatable, where there's stones thrown at 0:21:20.720 --> 0:21:23.600 this bird, and this bird figures out that the only 0:21:23.640 --> 0:21:26.520 way it can stay safe is if it gathers all 0:21:26.560 --> 0:21:29.720 the stones on the ground and sits on them. And 0:21:29.760 --> 0:21:32.520 so it just sits on these stones and it keeps 0:21:32.600 --> 0:21:35.399 them from flying, and so it starts to let them go. 0:21:35.600 --> 0:21:41.080 And that's I think. I think letting go and forgiveness 0:21:41.359 --> 0:21:45.439 is an easy thing to understand and to say, and 0:21:45.480 --> 0:21:49.879 it's a hard thing to truly feel. You really have to, 0:21:50.119 --> 0:21:53.720 you know, resentfulness can can can breed people that have 0:21:53.800 --> 0:21:57.040 done you wrong in the past, and really, what are 0:21:57.080 --> 0:21:59.760 we doing with all of that? We're really just carrying 0:22:00.320 --> 0:22:04.560 in reliving the worst situation that happened to us over 0:22:04.640 --> 0:22:07.200 and over and over again and giving it more late 0:22:08.000 --> 0:22:08.320 you got. 0:22:08.640 --> 0:22:12.240 It, I have to say, gotta let it go. But 0:22:12.320 --> 0:22:17.040 for me, the story about the tree, especially for you 0:22:17.119 --> 0:22:22.000 and me who have have suffered this extreme loss. And 0:22:22.040 --> 0:22:24.159 as you say, people have all kinds of losses in 0:22:24.200 --> 0:22:28.199 their life. But this tree that is worried about uh, 0:22:28.320 --> 0:22:31.560 in the fall loses its leaves, it's acorns, It can't 0:22:31.560 --> 0:22:35.439 provide shelter, it can't provide nourishment, all those things. But 0:22:35.880 --> 0:22:38.760 in the spring it starts over. And I read that 0:22:38.800 --> 0:22:41.840 book and it's read that story and it's it's such 0:22:41.840 --> 0:22:47.280 a reminder that we stand tall and we we we 0:22:47.440 --> 0:22:50.399 have that rebirth, and it's up to us to find 0:22:50.440 --> 0:22:55.560 ways to to build a new life. My heart was broken, 0:22:55.680 --> 0:22:58.040 my husband died, but I am a better person for it. 0:22:58.080 --> 0:23:01.640 I've learned so many lessons and change so much. So 0:23:01.880 --> 0:23:04.760 that's the story that speaks to me. They all speak 0:23:04.800 --> 0:23:05.000 to me. 0:23:05.080 --> 0:23:10.439 But I love, I absolutely love that you you connected 0:23:10.480 --> 0:23:13.800 with that one. And I think for me that is 0:23:13.880 --> 0:23:17.880 a lesson looking at my life down the road. That 0:23:18.119 --> 0:23:20.960 I'm a parent right now and I will be the 0:23:21.000 --> 0:23:23.720 best damn parent that I can be, but that's not 0:23:23.960 --> 0:23:27.399 all I can be, and I can't wrap my whole 0:23:27.520 --> 0:23:31.119 entire life. And it's an anxiety into a child that 0:23:31.720 --> 0:23:35.119 will go off and create his own life for himself. 0:23:35.400 --> 0:23:38.080 And I've seen this happen with so many parents, where 0:23:38.440 --> 0:23:41.439 once they become empty nesters, they look at their and 0:23:41.480 --> 0:23:44.880 they say, who are we? Yeah, you know, when there's 0:23:44.920 --> 0:23:48.159 no longer a schedule, when there's no longer you know, 0:23:48.400 --> 0:23:53.320 mom and dad and slates and dishes and all these things, 0:23:53.320 --> 0:23:57.359 So we can't lose ourselves in the wilderness of the well. 0:23:57.240 --> 0:24:00.679 That's when you take up golf. Yeah, right, before we 0:24:00.800 --> 0:24:01.119 move on? 0:24:01.320 --> 0:24:03.320 No, no, no, but you fell love again. 0:24:03.119 --> 0:24:05.600