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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of Couch

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Speaker 1: Talks on Your Need Therapy podcast. My name is Kat.

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Speaker 1: I am the host. And if you are new or

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Speaker 1: newer to the podcast and are unsure what couch Talks is,

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Speaker 1: it is the special bonus episode that comes out every

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Speaker 1: single Wednesday where I answer questions that listeners send into

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Speaker 1: me and you can send those to Catherine at you

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Speaker 1: Need their podcast dot com and I keep all of

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Speaker 1: the emails anonymous. You never have to worry about somebody

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Speaker 1: knowing that you sent a question in if you know

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Speaker 1: you and your friends listen to the podcast together and

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Speaker 1: maybe you're asking a question about them or just a

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Speaker 1: personal thing that you don't want people to know about.

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Speaker 1: I won't say your name, or your email, dress or

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Speaker 1: anything like that. Just be mindful of what information and

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Speaker 1: you share with me that might be an email that

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Speaker 1: I might read as I read your question. And before

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Speaker 1: we get started into today's episode, in today's question, I

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Speaker 1: just want to remind everybody that although I am answering

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Speaker 1: questions on this episode, this does not serve as a

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Speaker 1: substitute or replacement for actual mental health services. It's just

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Speaker 1: a podcast hosted by therapist couple updates for you guys.

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Speaker 1: This is a very exciting day for me because I

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Speaker 1: am probably currently packing to get ready for a trip

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Speaker 1: to New York that I'm taking with my boyfriend. If

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Speaker 1: you have Rex things that we should do, send them.

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Speaker 1: It is my boyfriend's first time to New York. Well

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Speaker 1: he's been for work, he will tell you, but he

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Speaker 1: didn't go do any of the things. So I'm excited

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Speaker 1: that we get to go do the more tourist sea

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Speaker 1: museums stuff like that that just like the typical New

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Speaker 1: York stuff, and then we're going to try to do

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Speaker 1: some other things as well that are more like off

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Speaker 1: I wouldn't say off the beaten path, but not on

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Speaker 1: the straight and narrow, as they would say, so I

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Speaker 1: get to do a little bit of both. We're going

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Speaker 1: to go see Book of Mormon, which I've never seen

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Speaker 1: and I've heard mixed reviews on, but most people that

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Speaker 1: I am personally close to say that it's really great,

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Speaker 1: really funny, so that's wonderful. We are also going to

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Speaker 1: be there for three different mornings, and so we have

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Speaker 1: decided we've already picked them out. You can still send REX,

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Speaker 1: but we already have a idea of the places we're

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Speaker 1: gonna go. We're gonna go to three different bagel shops

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Speaker 1: and try a different bagel every single morning because we

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Speaker 1: love bagels. And if you guys haven't listened to the

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Speaker 1: bagel story, you know we have history with bagels and

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Speaker 1: me crying over them. So now it's become a part

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Speaker 1: of our relationship. And I told my friend Amy that

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Speaker 1: I would try a bagel with cream cheese because that

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Speaker 1: is what got me crying when I first cried over

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Speaker 1: the bagels, because there's cream cheese on it. If you

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Speaker 1: have no idea what I'm talking about, listen to the

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Speaker 1: episode about the bagel and the cream trees. I think

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Speaker 1: it's called what cryin over a Bagel can teach You,

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Speaker 1: or what you can learn from krind over Bagel. But

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Speaker 1: I'm going to do that. Although I'm probably just gonna

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Speaker 1: try a little bit of the cream cheese. I'm not

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Speaker 1: going to go head first into it. So that's very exciting.

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Speaker 1: It's going to be a highlight of my trip. And

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Speaker 1: like I said, you can send us for I said,

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Speaker 1: you have like a spot in New York that you

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Speaker 1: love and maybe we'll go there. Also. I recently finished

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Speaker 1: my podcast room, which was really just a guest bedroom

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Speaker 1: slash office that I had been recording in earlier, like

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Speaker 1: when I first moved in here. I made it into

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Speaker 1: that and then I was like, I want a space

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Speaker 1: where I can record, like video record the episode so

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Speaker 1: I can put little clips up that are more appealing

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Speaker 1: to the eyes and you know, just feel more legit

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Speaker 1: in this little room. So I did that, and I

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Speaker 1: can't wait to show it to you guys. I think

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Speaker 1: it should be ready for a little reveal next week.

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Speaker 1: And I do realize that y'all might not really care,

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Speaker 1: but it's a big deal to me and it was

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Speaker 1: fun kind of having it all come to life. So

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Speaker 1: that will hopefully be ready next week, maybe for the

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Speaker 1: Monday episode. And now I think it's time that we

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Speaker 1: get into today's question. So here it is. Hey Cat.

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Speaker 1: My roommate, who has been a friend of mine for

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Speaker 1: around a year and a half, has a partner that

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Speaker 1: I and many of our friends really dislike for many reasons.

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Speaker 1: I love my roommate individually, but when they are together,

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Speaker 1: it feels like my roommate is a different person, which

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Speaker 1: has caused me to put a distance between us, mostly

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Speaker 1: because their partners over all the time, and they spend

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Speaker 1: a lot of time in the common space. I really

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Speaker 1: want to tell my roommate how I and many of

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Speaker 1: our friends feel about their partner, because I love my

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Speaker 1: roommate and I want the best for them. However, I

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Speaker 1: also know it might not be my place to say

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Speaker 1: anything because it's their relationship, and also it's not appropriate

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Speaker 1: for me to share what our friends are saying slash feeling.

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Speaker 1: I also know it could create a lot of hurt

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Speaker 1: from my roommate feeling like I've been secretly mad or

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Speaker 1: keeping secrets from them, which might ruin our friendship and

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Speaker 1: create more tension in the living situation. How do you

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Speaker 1: suggest tackling a tricky area like this? Thanks? Okay, I

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Speaker 1: love this question not because I like that you're in

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Speaker 1: this situation, but because I think that this is something

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Speaker 1: a lot of people struggle with in general. Is when

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Speaker 1: you don't love a partner, and maybe even it's just

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Speaker 1: a friend that somebody has been hanging out with recently,

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Speaker 1: but you have some distaste with somebody that they are

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Speaker 1: spending a lot of time with, and it's interfering on

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Speaker 1: your relationship, your ability to spend time with them. The

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Speaker 1: quality of the time you have when you are with them,

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Speaker 1: and just how open and honest you can be in

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Speaker 1: your relationship. So with that, I also think there are

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Speaker 1: multiple ways to handle this, and there's multiple things going

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Speaker 1: on in this email, so there's multiple ways to handle

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Speaker 1: each of those individual situations, and I'm not sure that

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Speaker 1: there is a best way because what we don't have

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Speaker 1: is control over how people receive information and how people respond.

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Speaker 1: So I like to remind people when we are processing,

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Speaker 1: especially in the therapy room, when we're processing and coming

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Speaker 1: up with ways to talk to a friend or a

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Speaker 1: loved woman, or a boss or literally anybody, it's not

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Speaker 1: so much how how can I do this in a

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Speaker 1: way that I can then get the reaction I want

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Speaker 1: and control a person's behavior. It's how can I do

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Speaker 1: this in a way that feels the most loving and

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Speaker 1: caring and authentic versus I am trying to plot and

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Speaker 1: manipulate to get what I want. Because we cannot force

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Speaker 1: people to do what we want them to do. I mean,

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Speaker 1: I guess we can, but you would have to be

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Speaker 1: doing something pretty dangerous to do that, and I don't

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Speaker 1: suggest that. So overall, I would encourage anyone to address

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Speaker 1: this in a way that focuses on you and your

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Speaker 1: needs versus the other person and what they're doing wrong.

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Speaker 1: So just think about what you're struggling with right now

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Speaker 1: and put that in context. So it's not so much

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Speaker 1: I have to address this person and tell them that

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Speaker 1: they're they've picked the wrong partner and their partner sucks.

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Speaker 1: I need to look at what I need and what

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Speaker 1: I'm struggling with right now, so then I can go

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Speaker 1: and kind of attempt to get my needs met versus

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Speaker 1: tell somebody what to do. So notice the difference between

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Speaker 1: I feel like you and I want to feel so

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Speaker 1: I feel like you are becoming distant versus I want

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Speaker 1: to feel more connected to you. Those are very different things,

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Speaker 1: and and you might mean the same thing and want

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Speaker 1: the same thing out of that. But hearing I want

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Speaker 1: to feel more connected to you is a lot easier

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Speaker 1: to receive and to understand hold than I feel like

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Speaker 1: you're becoming distant. That feels accusatory. It just can create

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Speaker 1: some defensiveness and then it becomes a well, you're doing

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Speaker 1: this and you're doing that, and it's not my fault,

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Speaker 1: and it's not it's noice fault. I want to feel

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Speaker 1: more connected to you. Let's brainstorm ways that we can

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Speaker 1: do that. I do think it's helpful to speak to

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Speaker 1: our friends when there's tension on our side. However, like

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Speaker 1: I said before, what's really important here is to be

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Speaker 1: mindful of what I'm trying to do. Am I trying

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Speaker 1: to make decisions and control my friend? Or am I

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Speaker 1: really just trying to express how I feel, share concern,

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Speaker 1: or just share a feeling when it's a matter of safety.

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Speaker 1: Right So, there are certain situations when our friends and

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Speaker 1: loved ones are are doing things that then cause concern

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Speaker 1: for their safety, whether and they're in a relationship that

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Speaker 1: feels very dangerous or they're engaging in behaviors that feel

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Speaker 1: very dangerous, that's one thing. But when it's not a

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Speaker 1: matter of safety and we just don't like the person

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Speaker 1: that somebody is is spending a lot of time with

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Speaker 1: or dating, this sucks. I mean that sucks, especially if

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Speaker 1: it's a close friend or if it's a friend that

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Speaker 1: you live with, right you, you don't even get to

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Speaker 1: choose how much you see that the person. What's really

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Speaker 1: important to keep in mind in these circumstances is that

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Speaker 1: I cannot judge someone else's capacity for joy and contentment

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Speaker 1: based on mine. I was talking about bagels earlier and

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Speaker 1: how I cried over one when there was cream cheese

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Speaker 1: on it, And plenty of people love cream cheese, just

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Speaker 1: like some people love cream cheese ease, and I think

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Speaker 1: it's repulsive. Some people like people that I think are

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Speaker 1: really annoying, and I think everybody in the world can

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Speaker 1: relate to that. We've all said, I just don't understand

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Speaker 1: how they can blah blah blah that person because they

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Speaker 1: don't fit with us and our needs and our personality

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Speaker 1: and our frame of reference, our lens that we're looking

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Speaker 1: out of. It doesn't mean that it necessarily doesn't fit

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Speaker 1: with somebody else's. Now again, we have to make sure

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Speaker 1: that we can't just be like, oh, that person is

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Speaker 1: abusing her, and I can't imagine why that would be enjoyable,

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Speaker 1: but maybe they can. That's a different story when there's

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Speaker 1: any kind of abuse involved. But when it's just a

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Speaker 1: matter of preference, like their personalities don't drive or I

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Speaker 1: don't think they're funny, I think they're annoying, that's a

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Speaker 1: different thing. I think you're on the right track saying

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Speaker 1: that it's probably not the best for you to go

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Speaker 1: ahead and share your friends feelings with your friend. Although

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Speaker 1: it could be helpful to share yours, I would not

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Speaker 1: bring them into this. It might be true that they

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Speaker 1: have these feelings, this conversation that you might have with

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Speaker 1: your friend needs to be about your feelings and your

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Speaker 1: feelings alone. Now, your friends feelings can help validate you,

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Speaker 1: but those feelings are for your friends to share if

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Speaker 1: they choose to. And coming to somebody and saying everyone

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Speaker 1: thinks this, or we've all been talking about this, or

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Speaker 1: we all see it can also come up off as

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Speaker 1: very threatening and less loving. And then again there's some

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Speaker 1: room for defensiveness, and they're going going to want to

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Speaker 1: push away versus lean in. And so you want to

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Speaker 1: make sure that you are going into this creating an

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Speaker 1: environment that things can really be heard and sat with

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Speaker 1: and listen to that might not feel really really awesome.

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Speaker 1: So if we do that in a way that feels threatening,

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Speaker 1: it gives us less chance to actually have that person

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Speaker 1: here what we're really really saying, versus getting that defensive mode.

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Speaker 1: And then it all becomes how do I respond to

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Speaker 1: this and how do I push this away? Also, what

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Speaker 1: might be really helpful in this situation in others is

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Speaker 1: to more questions and get more curious about what your

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Speaker 1: friend likes about her partner, because it sounds like you

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Speaker 1: are having a hard time seeing it. And this can

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Speaker 1: be a really relaxed and nonchalant situation, like tell me

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Speaker 1: your favorite thing about so and so? Or what do

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Speaker 1: you like most about so and so in the morning?

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Speaker 1: Or what is the best date that you and so

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Speaker 1: and so have gone on? And why or can you

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Speaker 1: see yourself doing this with so and so? Why are

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Speaker 1: I not make it a fun conversation? And those conversations

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Speaker 1: can be pretty enlightening because it's relaxed, our guard has

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Speaker 1: let down, we're just having fun and so feelings can

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Speaker 1: just pop up easily, versus I have to have my

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Speaker 1: defenses come up and guard guard what might be threatened

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Speaker 1: in that space, maybe my relationship and so. I know

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Speaker 1: from personal experience this can be very helpful. And when

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Speaker 1: you're kind of answering some of these questions, you can

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Speaker 1: make oh, shoot, what is my favorite thing about that person?

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Speaker 1: I mean, I've even had friends say like, what do

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Speaker 1: you what's your least favorite thing about so and so?

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Speaker 1: And I'm dating somebody and sometimes it's like, oh, man,

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Speaker 1: I can't think of it. I guess it's like they

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Speaker 1: wear mismatched socks and that's annoying. And you're like, that's

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Speaker 1: great because that's really not a big deal. But if

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Speaker 1: it comes up and they're like, oh my gosh, I

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Speaker 1: know the worst thing about them is that they make

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Speaker 1: me feel like crap or like just something that's more extreme,

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Speaker 1: you're like, oh, shoot, is that something that I realize

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Speaker 1: or want to live with? And what's it feel like

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Speaker 1: to have that come out of my mouth? And maybe

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Speaker 1: your friend doesn't even share that out loud, but it

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Speaker 1: gets some thinking and that can be really helpful, like

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Speaker 1: I said, because it's like relaxed, it's not threatening. It

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Speaker 1: just really feels like you're trying to get to know

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Speaker 1: that person and and have a fun conversation. And on

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Speaker 1: your side, it can really help you see why this

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Speaker 1: person likes the person that you don't understand despite all

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Speaker 1: the things that you're seeing. You're like, oh, I never

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Speaker 1: see that or I didn't know that about that person.

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Speaker 1: It can so it can help you have a better

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Speaker 1: understanding of why they'd be willing to date somebody who

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Speaker 1: does X, Y, and Z that you don't like now.

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Speaker 1: I will add if this person is doing something that

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Speaker 1: hurts you, that is also allowed to be something that

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Speaker 1: you share bring up, Like Hey, when Brian told that

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Speaker 1: joke about whatever, it really caught me off guard and

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Speaker 1: it offended me. And I am not sure if you

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Speaker 1: noticed it, but I wanted to bring it up because

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Speaker 1: when you didn't say anything, my feelings were really hurt

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Speaker 1: and I felt ganged up on. That's very different than

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Speaker 1: saying Brian is such an asshole and I don't understand

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Speaker 1: what you see in him. By the way, everybody else

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Speaker 1: thinks he's an asshole too, it's not just me. But

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Speaker 1: if if you're saying, like, oh, the other day, like

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Speaker 1: Brian made this joke and it really offended me, I

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Speaker 1: don't know if you heard it, but I wanted to

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Speaker 1: kind of ask and talk about it because it didn't

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Speaker 1: feel very good and it makes it really hard for

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Speaker 1: me to want to spend a lot of time with him,

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Speaker 1: because it was painful for me to hear that and

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Speaker 1: then not have you responded anyway. That is a very

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Speaker 1: non threatening. It's very about you. It's about your experience.

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Speaker 1: You're not assuming you're saying he don't know I'm trying

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Speaker 1: to figure this out and I don't want to pull away,

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Speaker 1: and so I'm having this conversation so we can maintain

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Speaker 1: our friendship. So I hope this is helpful and gives

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Speaker 1: you a little bit of a headstart, and maybe you

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Speaker 1: can write down some things that you want to ask

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Speaker 1: so you can learn more and be more curious, or

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Speaker 1: you want to kind of write down things that you

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Speaker 1: want to approach your friend about, keeping it focused on

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Speaker 1: what needs you are not getting met in that friendship

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Speaker 1: versus what they're doing wrong and what you see is wrong.

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Speaker 1: This stuff is really hard. Like I said, sometimes I'm

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Speaker 1: like I watch that, like we got to say and

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Speaker 1: who our friends are dating, because you're bringing them into

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Speaker 1: our friend group and if I don't like this person,

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Speaker 1: I don't want them in our read group. But it's

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Speaker 1: really not how it goes. And so when it comes

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Speaker 1: down to it, sometimes we have to find some acceptance

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Speaker 1: and learn how to maintain friendships when they're dating people

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Speaker 1: that we don't love to hang out with. And if

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Speaker 1: we can't maintain as close of our friendship, then it

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Speaker 1: comes down to like, Okay, what kind of grieving process?

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Speaker 1: So I need to go through because I have to

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Speaker 1: also accept that they might choose this relationship and I

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Speaker 1: don't get to be in control of that, although it

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Speaker 1: does affect me. So just know, I know, and a

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Speaker 1: lot of people out there are probably relating to this

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Speaker 1: now that this is not the easiest thing in the world,

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Speaker 1: especially when they live with you. So good luck, and

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Speaker 1: if you guys have any questions related to this or

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Speaker 1: anything else, remember you can send them to me Katherine

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Speaker 1: at you Need Therapy podcast dot com. You can follow

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Speaker 1: me at cat dot de fata and at you Need

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Speaker 1: Therapy Podcast on Instagram and connect with me on there.

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Speaker 1: And until Monday, I will be having all of the

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Speaker 1: days I need to have in New York and eating

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Speaker 1: all the bagels that I need to eat, trying the

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Speaker 1: cream cheese that I need to try, and I hope

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Speaker 1: that you guys are having the day you need to

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Speaker 1: have as well. By two