WEBVTT - Summer book series: Amanda Kloots 0:00:00.360 --> 0:00:03.920 Hi everyone, I'm Katie Curic and this is next question. 0:00:06.120 --> 0:00:08.760 It's hard to remember now, but in the early days 0:00:08.800 --> 0:00:12.680 of the pandemic, back in March of before shelter and 0:00:12.720 --> 0:00:16.040 place orders were widespread, before putting on a mask to 0:00:16.079 --> 0:00:19.599 go outside was as habitual as slipping on your shoes. 0:00:20.360 --> 0:00:23.279 COVID nineteen was a virus that seemed to only affect 0:00:23.360 --> 0:00:28.120 older people or those with underlying health conditions. Even if 0:00:28.160 --> 0:00:31.240 the young and vibrant did get sick, it seemed as 0:00:31.240 --> 0:00:34.200 though it wasn't any worse than recovering from a bad flu. 0:00:35.240 --> 0:00:38.880 But as we all now know, no one was truly 0:00:38.960 --> 0:00:42.199 safe from COVID nineteen, and one of the earliest to 0:00:42.400 --> 0:00:47.000 sound that alarm was Los Angeles fitness trainer Amanda Klutes. 0:00:47.760 --> 0:00:50.320 I know my husband with of nothing more than to 0:00:50.400 --> 0:00:53.440 go on a beautiful walk through Laurea Canyon. He would 0:00:53.479 --> 0:00:56.880 love them, so do it for these people. They can't 0:00:56.880 --> 0:01:00.000 do it right now because in mid March, Amanda's husband, 0:01:00.000 --> 0:01:04.200 then Nick Cordero, was feeling run down and taking frequent 0:01:04.360 --> 0:01:09.360 naps several hours a day. I'm sitting outside of Cedar 0:01:09.400 --> 0:01:13.240 sign A hospital right now. And when his health quickly 0:01:13.319 --> 0:01:15.600 declined and he was forced to go to the hospital. 0:01:16.040 --> 0:01:20.280 Amanda started sharing updates on Instagram. I just finished my 0:01:20.360 --> 0:01:24.199 daily visit to go stand outside and play Nick song 0:01:24.400 --> 0:01:26.640 and sing and pray and talk to him from Afar. 0:01:27.840 --> 0:01:31.279 Within days of being admitted, Nick was on a ventil 0:01:31.360 --> 0:01:35.320 later and in a medically induced coma. So yes, my 0:01:35.400 --> 0:01:38.040 husband is in the I see you and Yes. By 0:01:38.120 --> 0:01:41.480 mid April his leg was amputated. He has to pull 0:01:41.560 --> 0:01:47.080 through because all of this was his plan, l a moving, 0:01:47.280 --> 0:01:54.560 buying a first home. By July, he was gone, hug 0:01:54.560 --> 0:01:58.960 your loved ones, because I'm telling you, when I get 0:01:58.960 --> 0:02:00.840 to hug Nick again, it's going to be like the 0:02:00.880 --> 0:02:05.960 best in my life. Nick was just forty one years old. 0:02:06.440 --> 0:02:10.560 He was a Tony nominated Broadway star, an aspiring musician, 0:02:10.960 --> 0:02:16.080 and a new dad. That is the short version of 0:02:16.120 --> 0:02:19.680 the story. The long and truly moving version of that 0:02:19.760 --> 0:02:24.079 pandemic tragedy is now a memoir called Live Your Life, 0:02:24.480 --> 0:02:28.240 My Story of Loving and Losing Nick Cordero. It was 0:02:28.280 --> 0:02:31.320 written by Amanda Clutes with the help of her sister Anna, 0:02:31.960 --> 0:02:35.079 and I was lucky enough to talk to Amanda about Nick, 0:02:35.639 --> 0:02:41.760 the writing process, the heartbreak, and the healing. Amanda I 0:02:41.800 --> 0:02:46.000 hate even asking you to relive this, but you know, 0:02:46.040 --> 0:02:50.560 and I followed you so closely as you told your story, 0:02:50.720 --> 0:02:54.360 really courageously and so openly, which I want to ask 0:02:54.400 --> 0:02:57.920 you about in a moment. But can you just tell 0:02:58.040 --> 0:03:03.320 people what happened to because his diagnosis was so shocking 0:03:03.440 --> 0:03:08.520 and discombobulating and confusing, and it was in the early 0:03:08.680 --> 0:03:14.080 days of the pandemic. And of course I wonder now 0:03:14.120 --> 0:03:17.920 if you know, when with my husband's illness, I think, 0:03:17.960 --> 0:03:20.760 why didn't I recognize this? Why didn't I see this? 0:03:20.960 --> 0:03:25.079 Why didn't I appreciate that this was happening to his body? 0:03:25.200 --> 0:03:30.240 And and you all were I think, I mean it 0:03:30.360 --> 0:03:32.959 was a bit of magical thinking, but also just a 0:03:33.080 --> 0:03:38.080 lack of understanding about this this virus. So tell me 0:03:38.120 --> 0:03:42.760 about Nick. When he first got sick, he was just really, 0:03:42.760 --> 0:03:48.480 really tired, sleeping all the time, and honestly, Katie, to 0:03:48.640 --> 0:03:54.640 a lack of knowledge about the hospital and care and 0:03:55.120 --> 0:03:58.280 what being in the i c U means and everything 0:03:58.680 --> 0:04:01.160 that they have to do in I see, I had 0:04:01.240 --> 0:04:07.600 no clue. I was so green about everything. Um, yes, Nick, Um, 0:04:07.640 --> 0:04:09.960 you know, we still don't know how he got COVID. 0:04:10.000 --> 0:04:14.200 We will never know this it's impossible to trace, you know. 0:04:14.360 --> 0:04:16.640 We can think about we were in New York City, 0:04:16.839 --> 0:04:19.960 this was the beginning of March. Um, he was around 0:04:20.000 --> 0:04:22.159 a lot of people, around a lot of Broadway people, 0:04:22.240 --> 0:04:25.400 but he was also around me and my entire family 0:04:25.480 --> 0:04:29.440 and all of our friends. Um, the whole two weeks 0:04:29.480 --> 0:04:32.440 that we were in New York and no one got COVID, 0:04:33.160 --> 0:04:36.480 you know, so that's you know, so then you think, okay, 0:04:36.480 --> 0:04:38.320 then he got it on the flight back to l A. 0:04:39.040 --> 0:04:42.400 But then he was only two days after that flight 0:04:42.440 --> 0:04:45.320 that he started having symptoms. So that doesn't really even 0:04:45.320 --> 0:04:49.240 correlate the math. So, um, we'll never know that piece. 0:04:49.279 --> 0:04:51.799 But yes, it just started with Nick being really tired, 0:04:52.240 --> 0:04:54.280 and I thought it was a couple of things. I thought, 0:04:54.320 --> 0:04:57.560 you know, maybe he's depressed. His show, um is closed 0:04:57.600 --> 0:05:01.480 because of COVID. We're in this how use um and 0:05:01.560 --> 0:05:05.080 we have nowhere to go. Um, he can't create, he 0:05:05.120 --> 0:05:07.000 can to do the things that he loved to do, 0:05:07.160 --> 0:05:09.520 his music. He was really working on his music. So 0:05:09.600 --> 0:05:12.119 I thought, you know, he's just depressed and jet lagged, 0:05:12.200 --> 0:05:15.520 and so yes, go sleep. And I feel bad now 0:05:15.560 --> 0:05:18.039 because I was, you know, taking pictures of him and 0:05:18.080 --> 0:05:21.080 sending them to my sisters and being like next taking 0:05:21.120 --> 0:05:24.800 another nap. Don't worry, I'm just here, you know, with Elvis. 0:05:25.000 --> 0:05:28.719 You know, um, and I feel like you said, it's like, 0:05:28.800 --> 0:05:31.560 I feel so bad about that now. I didn't recognize 0:05:31.600 --> 0:05:34.880 that anything was wrong because he literally was just sleeping. 0:05:34.960 --> 0:05:36.880 He didn't have a cough, he didn't have a fever, 0:05:37.120 --> 0:05:40.520 he didn't ache nothing, And those were all the signs 0:05:40.520 --> 0:05:42.800 that you were seeing on the news, and trust us, 0:05:42.920 --> 0:05:46.039 we were watching the news like every other person in 0:05:46.080 --> 0:05:52.120 the world. Seven Um. It wasn't until he fainted one 0:05:52.200 --> 0:05:55.960 morning and was kind of really out of sorts that 0:05:56.040 --> 0:05:59.559 I took him to an emergency room and or sorry 0:05:59.600 --> 0:06:02.680 and urging care, and the urgent care did all these 0:06:02.720 --> 0:06:05.800 tests for flu, but not COVID because he didn't have 0:06:05.839 --> 0:06:09.920 any COVID symptoms and he wasn't around anyone that had COVID. 0:06:09.960 --> 0:06:13.760 And at that time, again super early in March, you 0:06:13.800 --> 0:06:16.920 couldn't get a COVID test unless you had the symptoms 0:06:17.120 --> 0:06:20.400 or if you were around somebody that attested positive. Nick 0:06:20.480 --> 0:06:23.320 had neither, so they didn't do a COVID test on him. 0:06:23.360 --> 0:06:25.960 They took an X ray of his lungs, which now 0:06:26.040 --> 0:06:29.800 I know from being in the hospital days that his 0:06:29.880 --> 0:06:33.719 lungs looked terrible, like when it looks like charge of glass. 0:06:33.760 --> 0:06:36.200 So but you know, again didn't know. Nick and I 0:06:36.240 --> 0:06:38.640 looked at this X ray and they said, you know, 0:06:38.760 --> 0:06:41.359 he looks it looks like you have pneumonia, is what 0:06:41.520 --> 0:06:44.440 Urgin Care said. And they said, if you get better, um, 0:06:44.480 --> 0:06:46.520 we're gonna give you some drugs. Hopefully we'll get better. 0:06:46.520 --> 0:06:48.360 If you don't get better, go to the emergency room 0:06:48.400 --> 0:06:51.320 on Monday, over the weekend. With all the drugs that 0:06:51.360 --> 0:06:53.880 they gave him, he was even worse and it got 0:06:53.960 --> 0:06:56.520 really bad. He couldn't breathe. He was having really a 0:06:56.560 --> 0:07:00.039 really hard time breathing and he was using um and 0:07:00.080 --> 0:07:04.440 hailer that they had prescribed him. So that the Sunday 0:07:04.560 --> 0:07:06.800 night before I took him to the emergency room, we 0:07:06.839 --> 0:07:09.440 called our good friend who is a brain like one 0:07:09.440 --> 0:07:12.160 of the top brain surgeons at Cedar Sinai, and he 0:07:12.280 --> 0:07:15.400 said the breathing issues, that that sound good. You should 0:07:15.480 --> 0:07:19.080 take him right away. And I said, well as the morning. Okay, 0:07:19.280 --> 0:07:21.160 you know, we have this little boy and he's sleeping 0:07:21.200 --> 0:07:23.800 and I don't know how to you know, he said, Okay, 0:07:23.840 --> 0:07:26.360 but just the first thing in the morning. So we did. 0:07:26.400 --> 0:07:28.320 We took him to the emergency room first thing in 0:07:28.360 --> 0:07:32.240 the morning, and I dropped nick off. I thought I'd 0:07:32.280 --> 0:07:35.800 pick him up in two hours. Um, you know, I 0:07:35.800 --> 0:07:39.040 I look back on that moment, I honestly don't remember 0:07:39.120 --> 0:07:41.760 what we said. I didn't kiss or hug him because 0:07:42.360 --> 0:07:44.720 we we didn't know what he had. And again, like 0:07:45.080 --> 0:07:48.320 in those early days, it was like, don't leave your house, 0:07:48.320 --> 0:07:50.800 you're gonna get COVID. You you know, if somebody's sick, 0:07:50.840 --> 0:07:52.920 don't even go near him. And we had Elvis, and 0:07:52.960 --> 0:07:56.200 I was still breastfeeding Elvis and you know, taking care 0:07:56.200 --> 0:07:58.600 of him. So I didn't hug him, I didn't kiss him. 0:07:58.640 --> 0:08:01.800 I dropped him off at the corner our Cedar SINAI. Um, 0:08:02.160 --> 0:08:04.200 I don't even know if he said goodbye to Elvis. 0:08:04.320 --> 0:08:06.480 I mean, we really thought i'd pick him up in 0:08:06.480 --> 0:08:09.400 a couple of hours. I went for a walk, and 0:08:09.480 --> 0:08:12.840 of course, you know, those hours turned into they want 0:08:12.840 --> 0:08:15.560 to keep me overnight. They did a COVID test. That 0:08:15.680 --> 0:08:18.800 turned into that morning, Um, they're taking me to the 0:08:18.800 --> 0:08:22.040 i c U. My my organs aren't getting enough oxygen. 0:08:22.760 --> 0:08:26.040 And then the next day they want to, you know, 0:08:26.160 --> 0:08:28.520 put me under and put me on the ventil lator. 0:08:29.280 --> 0:08:34.800 So upsetting to read that, Amanda, because obviously things just spiraled. 0:08:34.840 --> 0:08:38.600 But when you write about Nick just basically waving to 0:08:38.679 --> 0:08:44.000 you on the curb and you saying goodbye, without any 0:08:44.160 --> 0:08:48.360 kind of idea that this was going to be the 0:08:48.440 --> 0:08:51.920 last time you saw him outside a hospital setting and 0:08:52.040 --> 0:08:57.280 the last time he was him, you know, because I 0:08:57.280 --> 0:08:59.760 saw him again, of course, but he couldn't he could 0:08:59.800 --> 0:09:01.640 bear even opened his eyes, you know, on a good 0:09:01.720 --> 0:09:05.320 day he could open his eyes. So and uh, yeah, 0:09:05.559 --> 0:09:09.080 it's it's it's so hard. I I hate thinking about 0:09:09.080 --> 0:09:12.160 that moment, and it only makes me every time I 0:09:12.200 --> 0:09:15.400 say goodbye to Elvis, even if his nanny is just 0:09:15.480 --> 0:09:17.800 taking him to music class, I hug and kissed that 0:09:17.840 --> 0:09:19.720 little boy and let him know I love him, because 0:09:19.920 --> 0:09:23.080 you just never know. I mean, life is just That's 0:09:23.120 --> 0:09:25.280 one thing I learned this past year is how fragile 0:09:25.360 --> 0:09:27.160 life is. And now you just never know. And you 0:09:27.160 --> 0:09:31.080 can't take it for granted. When you went to see 0:09:31.160 --> 0:09:33.160 him when he was going to be put on a 0:09:33.240 --> 0:09:36.640 ventil later, uh, he was quite out of it, as 0:09:36.679 --> 0:09:39.640 you said. His h you know, you describe him as 0:09:39.679 --> 0:09:43.320 sleeping with his eyes sort of half open, which was 0:09:43.400 --> 0:09:47.520 scary and disturbing, I know. But he did tell you 0:09:47.600 --> 0:09:52.319 that he was scared, didn't he. Well, that was Um, 0:09:52.400 --> 0:09:55.880 that was actually a beautiful moment. So I that was 0:09:55.920 --> 0:09:58.040 at four o'clock in the morning, he called me. They 0:09:58.040 --> 0:10:00.120 want and he said, they want, they want to put 0:10:00.160 --> 0:10:06.080 me on a ventilator. Um. And uh and I said, oh, okay, 0:10:06.120 --> 0:10:10.800 again not really fully even understanding what it was. I 0:10:10.840 --> 0:10:14.480 really didn't. I don't even think Nick did. Um. And 0:10:14.559 --> 0:10:17.120 you know, in the I c you that's so formulaic 0:10:17.840 --> 0:10:22.600 that you know, it's it's nothing to them. And so um. 0:10:22.679 --> 0:10:24.680 When he called to tell me that I had elvis 0:10:24.720 --> 0:10:26.560 in my arms, it was four o'clock in the morning, 0:10:26.600 --> 0:10:30.320 I was like, okay, honey. Um. You know, they said 0:10:30.400 --> 0:10:33.200 they'll it'll be a couple of days at the most 0:10:33.400 --> 0:10:36.440 seven days. Um. But this is just so that my 0:10:36.520 --> 0:10:39.840 body can rest and I can get better and and 0:10:39.880 --> 0:10:42.600 they can you know, get oxygen really into my body 0:10:42.640 --> 0:10:46.600 and my organs. And so we said, I love you. 0:10:46.880 --> 0:10:50.160 And that's the last time I heard, you know, I 0:10:50.720 --> 0:10:56.040 heard Nick speak. The beautiful moment was later on in 0:10:56.080 --> 0:10:59.960 the hospital. UM, towards the end. I was sitting there 0:11:00.040 --> 0:11:03.680 one day with Nick's mother and a nurse walked into 0:11:03.720 --> 0:11:06.560 the room and he said, are you Amanda And I 0:11:06.600 --> 0:11:08.679 said yes, and he said, oh my gosh, I've been 0:11:09.160 --> 0:11:11.320 trying to find you. I heard that you had been 0:11:11.920 --> 0:11:14.480 visiting Nick. He said, I want to let you know. 0:11:14.520 --> 0:11:17.040 I'm the nurse that was with Nick when they put 0:11:17.120 --> 0:11:19.240 him on the ventilator, And of course, like I was 0:11:19.280 --> 0:11:23.240 already bawling, and he said he said, um, that Nick 0:11:23.360 --> 0:11:29.600 was really scared, and that um, that he was really 0:11:29.760 --> 0:11:32.240 scared that he would never see his wife A kidding 0:11:32.320 --> 0:11:36.840 in So, I mean, at the moment, it was actually 0:11:36.880 --> 0:11:39.360 a beautiful moment. It's kind of like, really sad to 0:11:39.400 --> 0:11:41.440 think about. But when the nurse came in to tell 0:11:41.480 --> 0:11:45.160 me that, it was just like I was by nixt side, 0:11:45.160 --> 0:11:47.640 I was holding his hand, and I just like I 0:11:47.720 --> 0:11:50.959 was so happy that I was there with him. What 0:11:50.960 --> 0:11:53.920 it's must be So, I mean, first of all, what 0:11:54.080 --> 0:11:59.760 you've been through is incredibly traumatizing on its own, but 0:12:00.000 --> 0:12:03.720 the circumstances not being able to see him then I 0:12:03.760 --> 0:12:06.720 know they did let you come in and see him ultimately, 0:12:06.880 --> 0:12:11.200 but I mean to feel so I think you feel 0:12:11.200 --> 0:12:14.760 powerless and helpless under the best of circumstances when someone 0:12:14.800 --> 0:12:17.720 you love is sick, and then when you cannot be 0:12:17.920 --> 0:12:24.640 there physically, it must have been maddening and just so 0:12:25.840 --> 0:12:27.840 I don't even know if there's a word for it, Amanda, 0:12:28.080 --> 0:12:33.800 so frustrating and so um infuriating. I don't even know, 0:12:33.960 --> 0:12:37.680 as I said, how to describe that feeling you must 0:12:37.679 --> 0:12:42.720 have had not being able to be there to to 0:12:42.880 --> 0:12:47.000 support him and to comfort him and to help him. Yeah. No, 0:12:47.200 --> 0:12:51.120 and it was it was really hard too, because you know, 0:12:51.200 --> 0:12:58.199 again you you in retrospect, I have a slightly different 0:12:59.640 --> 0:13:03.719 you know, feeling in the moment as a wife, you know, 0:13:03.920 --> 0:13:09.319 and as a mother. Um, I was. I was maddening. 0:13:09.400 --> 0:13:12.600 It was very frustrating. And you know, how can you 0:13:12.679 --> 0:13:14.680 not let me in this hospital right now? I don't 0:13:14.720 --> 0:13:18.920 go anywhere I'm safe, I've been tested, I don't have COVID. Um. 0:13:18.960 --> 0:13:21.280 I need to be by him. Nick needs his people, 0:13:21.280 --> 0:13:25.400 you know, his person, he needs support um. And of course, 0:13:25.440 --> 0:13:27.440 you know, I argued every day, and it was it 0:13:27.520 --> 0:13:30.800 was such a struggle with the hospital and at the 0:13:30.920 --> 0:13:35.400 time very very hard to understand. Now looking back on it, 0:13:35.640 --> 0:13:39.160 I have of course, I mean I always had admiration 0:13:39.240 --> 0:13:42.200 and appreciation to those doctors and nurses, but now looking 0:13:42.240 --> 0:13:48.040 back on it, having you know, that experience, um, I'm 0:13:48.040 --> 0:13:50.480 of course, I'm so grateful to them for even letting 0:13:50.520 --> 0:13:55.000 me in during during this time and everything that was 0:13:55.080 --> 0:13:58.520 going on, and how on a daily basis, anybody that 0:13:58.720 --> 0:14:01.040 entered that hospital was a asked to the patients and 0:14:01.120 --> 0:14:04.400 to the doctors and nurses. So it's so hard, Katie, 0:14:04.400 --> 0:14:09.840 because like, yes, at the time, I was filled like anger, 0:14:10.000 --> 0:14:13.080 battle every day with anyone I could just to try 0:14:13.120 --> 0:14:16.160 to walk through those doors. And you know, the security 0:14:16.160 --> 0:14:19.160 at Cedar Sine at the time was like the White House. 0:14:19.200 --> 0:14:23.240 It was like you aren't getting it. Um, So it 0:14:23.320 --> 0:14:25.680 was a it was a struggle, but um, you know, 0:14:25.760 --> 0:14:27.880 of course they needed it to be that way, and 0:14:27.920 --> 0:14:31.240 of course they needed to protect anyone and everyone that 0:14:31.360 --> 0:14:35.640 was there risking their lives with this whole pandemic. So 0:14:36.480 --> 0:14:40.000 it was, yeah, it was a battle every day. You know, 0:14:40.080 --> 0:14:46.000 I'm thinking about Nick because he had no underlying conditions. 0:14:46.520 --> 0:14:50.800 He was a very healthy person. He uh you know, 0:14:50.880 --> 0:14:55.440 took good care of himself, right, he was in great shape. 0:14:56.720 --> 0:15:01.960 And you know, it's just such a mystery why what 0:15:02.040 --> 0:15:05.320 was it about his biology? And I'm asking this rhetorically 0:15:05.920 --> 0:15:10.720 that that created this situation where this virus was so 0:15:10.960 --> 0:15:18.320 devastating to him. And it's it's still a mystery, isn't it. Yes, 0:15:18.480 --> 0:15:21.480 it certainly is because you know, like you said, he 0:15:21.480 --> 0:15:24.240 had no pre existing health conditions, and on top of that, 0:15:24.360 --> 0:15:27.240 he was even somebody that never really had to go 0:15:27.280 --> 0:15:30.720 to the doctor. He never got a cold, he you know, 0:15:31.320 --> 0:15:33.400 never had the flu. I mean it just you know, 0:15:33.480 --> 0:15:37.320 I'm I'm always at the doctor. I've always had things, 0:15:37.400 --> 0:15:40.840 you know, I've had a thyroid disorder since I was 0:15:40.880 --> 0:15:43.320 in sixth grade. I mean I'm always the one that 0:15:43.400 --> 0:15:47.640 like has the issues. And and then you know, and 0:15:47.680 --> 0:15:50.600 then this happened to him. I mean, yes, super healthy, 0:15:50.680 --> 0:15:56.440 forty one years old and um, you know, had everything 0:15:56.480 --> 0:15:59.280 in life waiting for him. You know, I don't know, 0:16:00.280 --> 0:16:02.800 there's all the things. You know, of course that we 0:16:02.840 --> 0:16:06.920 all heard blood types, um, the fact that he was 0:16:07.320 --> 0:16:12.840 um Latino. You know, it hit the Hispanic community. I mean, 0:16:12.880 --> 0:16:15.520 we went through all of it, and I asked, you know, 0:16:15.640 --> 0:16:19.480 next doctors every single time, and their answer every single 0:16:19.520 --> 0:16:23.320 time was, we don't know. We don't know why this 0:16:23.440 --> 0:16:28.840 virus sometimes really gets to somebody, and why sometimes you 0:16:28.880 --> 0:16:31.680 don't have any symptoms, and why one person in the 0:16:31.680 --> 0:16:34.240 household will get it but nobody else will, and then 0:16:34.280 --> 0:16:38.520 that whole household, everybody will get it. Nobody knows. And 0:16:38.640 --> 0:16:42.840 they also said, that's what's making this so hard about 0:16:42.960 --> 0:16:46.440 helping people and and and and being here right now 0:16:46.480 --> 0:16:49.880 dealing with all these people's um, you know, issues at 0:16:49.880 --> 0:16:53.320 the moment, because they couldn't There was no recipe, do 0:16:53.320 --> 0:16:55.280 you know what I mean, Like, not one thing worked 0:16:55.320 --> 0:16:58.320 for everybody. It's so it was. It was the wild 0:16:58.320 --> 0:17:03.400 wild West at the time. We'll be taking a short break, 0:17:03.440 --> 0:17:07.440 but when we come back, grief in the age of Instagram. 0:17:07.480 --> 0:17:22.360 That's right after this. I have had sort of a 0:17:22.400 --> 0:17:27.320 weird day, super emotional and tired, and I kind of 0:17:27.359 --> 0:17:28.919 just feel like the wind is knocked out of me. 0:17:29.880 --> 0:17:32.960 I just feel like if he hears his music, if 0:17:33.000 --> 0:17:37.600 he hears us playing his music, you know, that'll ground him. 0:17:37.640 --> 0:17:39.800 To wake him up, because the doctor said it's all 0:17:39.840 --> 0:17:42.359 about we got to wake him up. So you guys, 0:17:42.400 --> 0:17:45.399 he did get another great report from the doctor. Things 0:17:45.480 --> 0:17:49.879 are just slightly looking better. I'm gonna tell you guys 0:17:49.920 --> 0:17:53.679 some more Nick stories because I have so many people 0:17:53.840 --> 0:17:59.800 praying for him. It's so sorry. Um, just like a 0:18:00.000 --> 0:18:04.239 beautiful story. My husband has been in the ICU for 0:18:04.320 --> 0:18:07.240 ninety one days. We don't know if he will make it. 0:18:07.600 --> 0:18:10.040 I hope and pray every single day in my life 0:18:10.119 --> 0:18:19.119 that he does. You went through the whole process and 0:18:19.160 --> 0:18:27.280 this whole journey very publicly on Instagram, and I, like 0:18:27.440 --> 0:18:33.680 so many other people watched you and I'm curious why 0:18:33.880 --> 0:18:36.520 why you decided to do that and how you found 0:18:36.600 --> 0:18:40.280 the courage to do it, because I know it wasn't easy. 0:18:40.560 --> 0:18:43.400 I mean, we could see how difficult it was on 0:18:43.480 --> 0:18:47.040 many days, and you were asking people to pray for 0:18:47.160 --> 0:18:53.960 Nick and giving people updates and there it was profoundly personal. 0:18:54.359 --> 0:18:57.520 And did you just did you just feel like you 0:18:57.640 --> 0:19:01.040 needed that outlet? How did that kind start? And when 0:19:01.080 --> 0:19:05.760 did you decide I'm going to just be really honest 0:19:05.840 --> 0:19:09.160 and real on social media about what I'm going through. 0:19:10.160 --> 0:19:13.639 Well it started because, um, you know, Katie, I have 0:19:13.760 --> 0:19:17.439 this fitness business that I run, and so I'm you know, 0:19:17.560 --> 0:19:21.360 before all of this happened, I had fifty thou followers 0:19:21.359 --> 0:19:25.479 on Instagram. But um, to those fifty thousand followers, I 0:19:25.600 --> 0:19:30.280 was always on Instagram, always promoting fitness in my life 0:19:30.320 --> 0:19:34.480 and showing Elvis and you know Nick, and you know 0:19:34.600 --> 0:19:38.640 anything that happened with Nick and I are wedding. You know, Um, 0:19:38.680 --> 0:19:42.600 I was already very public, but to that small amount 0:19:42.680 --> 0:19:46.760 of people, and um, when Nick got sick and I 0:19:46.800 --> 0:19:48.720 took him to the hospital and then when he was 0:19:48.720 --> 0:19:53.600 in the ICU, I originally got on Instagram and and 0:19:53.680 --> 0:19:56.760 started talking about it because I thought, well, first of all, 0:19:58.400 --> 0:20:02.480 I can't be on Instagram, am being this fitness person, 0:20:02.840 --> 0:20:06.600 but have this other part of my life happening and 0:20:06.680 --> 0:20:09.840 not be honest about it. It It felt like I would 0:20:09.880 --> 0:20:12.400 be living a lie. So I felt like I had 0:20:12.440 --> 0:20:15.360 to at least address it. And then, but more importantly 0:20:15.600 --> 0:20:19.880 was the fact that I felt like to somebody who 0:20:19.960 --> 0:20:24.320 is sitting at home watching the news and hearing what 0:20:24.400 --> 0:20:28.560 was happening, and hearing the symptoms that were COVID symptoms, 0:20:28.600 --> 0:20:31.280 but then my husband's laying in the i c U 0:20:31.440 --> 0:20:33.760 and he didn't have any of these symptoms, I thought, 0:20:34.400 --> 0:20:37.159 you know, I have to I have to talk about 0:20:37.200 --> 0:20:39.960 this because if there's anyone else laying on their couch 0:20:40.119 --> 0:20:44.240 just tired, maybe they should, you know, listen and and 0:20:44.280 --> 0:20:47.560 get checked and tested because this this might be a 0:20:47.600 --> 0:20:52.560 symptom too. Um. So you know, I thank God that 0:20:52.560 --> 0:20:55.960 that I did that, just because I feel like it 0:20:56.080 --> 0:20:59.880 helped a lot of people just be aware of the situation. 0:21:00.040 --> 0:21:04.680 And and then of course, like things just you know, snowballed. 0:21:04.720 --> 0:21:08.919 And in eighteen days, Nick was you know, had died, 0:21:09.640 --> 0:21:15.120 lost a leg, was on ecmo um and barely surviving 0:21:15.359 --> 0:21:18.920 in eighteen days. So it kind of just really quickly 0:21:18.960 --> 0:21:23.240 snowballed again when I when I look back, because in 0:21:23.280 --> 0:21:28.000 the moment, I was just kind of um in fighter mode, 0:21:28.160 --> 0:21:32.160 you know, and and as I was sharing things that 0:21:32.200 --> 0:21:37.400 the response from people was so comforting. The kindness, the prayers, 0:21:37.480 --> 0:21:41.959 the support, the food on our doorstep, the you know, 0:21:42.119 --> 0:21:45.280 any anything. I mean, it was it was crazy how 0:21:45.359 --> 0:21:49.439 generous people were being, and it was so helpful. It 0:21:49.480 --> 0:21:52.480 was really helping me. And then I realized in writing 0:21:52.520 --> 0:21:56.719 this book that when I look back at sharing my 0:21:56.800 --> 0:22:01.000 story and why I probably kept continuing doing it was 0:22:01.040 --> 0:22:03.919 because it was literally therapy for me. Every single day 0:22:04.440 --> 0:22:07.160 I was on I was talking it out. Something would 0:22:07.160 --> 0:22:10.240 happen and I would just talk it out. Number one 0:22:10.359 --> 0:22:13.800 role a therapist will do, just talk talk what happened, 0:22:13.960 --> 0:22:17.120 write it down or talk it out. So every day 0:22:17.200 --> 0:22:21.880 I was just being completely honest and open talking everything 0:22:21.920 --> 0:22:24.720 that was happening. It was it was literally like I 0:22:24.760 --> 0:22:27.720 was giving myself therapy every day. I didn't realize I 0:22:27.800 --> 0:22:30.919 was doing that until my girlfriend, who was studying to 0:22:30.960 --> 0:22:34.200 be a therapist, said to me after we wrote after 0:22:34.280 --> 0:22:36.520 I wrote the book, she goes, you know you you 0:22:36.520 --> 0:22:38.800 you did like what a therapist would tell you to 0:22:38.880 --> 0:22:42.480 do if if if they were giving you advice to like, okay, 0:22:42.560 --> 0:22:45.200 just day one, what happened, And she was, you did 0:22:45.240 --> 0:22:47.560 that every single day for yourself. So she said, you're 0:22:47.640 --> 0:22:51.000 kind of if if I were looking for a therapist 0:22:51.040 --> 0:22:53.159 for you, you kind of need to look for somebody 0:22:53.160 --> 0:22:57.000 who can work backwards because you've already done a lot 0:22:57.080 --> 0:23:00.159 of the work that a therapist would tell you to 0:23:00.200 --> 0:23:02.320 do first and foremost talk about it and then write 0:23:02.320 --> 0:23:06.399 it down. She goes, so you talked about it and 0:23:06.440 --> 0:23:09.439 now you've written it down. So she was like, I 0:23:09.480 --> 0:23:11.600 don't I don't know how to treat you. I don't 0:23:11.600 --> 0:23:15.679 know what to tell you to do. Um, But I 0:23:15.720 --> 0:23:19.280 realized now it was therapy and and and asking people 0:23:19.320 --> 0:23:23.000 for help and asking people for prayers, the medical advice 0:23:23.040 --> 0:23:25.720 I got every day, the doctors from all over the 0:23:25.760 --> 0:23:28.520 world that we're reaching out to me. I mean, it 0:23:28.600 --> 0:23:31.160 was it was I could not have gotten through those 0:23:31.840 --> 0:23:34.439 days without that love and support. I really couldn't have. 0:23:34.520 --> 0:23:37.240 And I do believe I truly believe Nick felt it 0:23:37.480 --> 0:23:41.920 in the hospital. I really do. You were asked, I know, 0:23:42.560 --> 0:23:46.160 about writing a book, Amanda, two weeks after Nick died, 0:23:46.320 --> 0:23:51.520 and I just I can't imagine being approached about that 0:23:52.200 --> 0:23:56.560 and being ready to kind of talk about what you 0:23:56.880 --> 0:24:00.679 had been through. But you wanted to and you were ready, 0:24:00.880 --> 0:24:04.600 or maybe you weren't, but you decided to try tell 0:24:04.640 --> 0:24:07.800 me about the process you went through when it came 0:24:07.840 --> 0:24:11.680 to writing this book, or actually deciding you would write 0:24:11.680 --> 0:24:17.520 a book. Um. Well, Actually Harper's HarperCollins reached out to 0:24:17.560 --> 0:24:23.280 me end of June, so before Nick passed, and um, she, 0:24:23.880 --> 0:24:27.440 Lisa Sharky reached out to me and she said, I've 0:24:27.440 --> 0:24:32.119 been following this story and she said, um, it needs 0:24:32.160 --> 0:24:35.840 to be written down. It's a piece of history, I believe, 0:24:36.200 --> 0:24:40.000 and this story is just remarkable. And she said, I 0:24:40.040 --> 0:24:43.200 don't even care how it ends. Um, I just think 0:24:43.240 --> 0:24:46.280 it's important that you write it down and I was 0:24:46.400 --> 0:24:51.680 leaving the hospital. I was like, you know, I couldn't 0:24:52.200 --> 0:24:55.640