1 00:00:00,360 --> 00:00:03,920 Speaker 1: Hi everyone, I'm Katie Curic and this is next question. 2 00:00:06,120 --> 00:00:08,760 Speaker 1: It's hard to remember now, but in the early days 3 00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:12,680 Speaker 1: of the pandemic, back in March of before shelter and 4 00:00:12,720 --> 00:00:16,040 Speaker 1: place orders were widespread, before putting on a mask to 5 00:00:16,079 --> 00:00:19,599 Speaker 1: go outside was as habitual as slipping on your shoes. 6 00:00:20,360 --> 00:00:23,279 Speaker 1: COVID nineteen was a virus that seemed to only affect 7 00:00:23,360 --> 00:00:28,120 Speaker 1: older people or those with underlying health conditions. Even if 8 00:00:28,160 --> 00:00:31,240 Speaker 1: the young and vibrant did get sick, it seemed as 9 00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:34,200 Speaker 1: though it wasn't any worse than recovering from a bad flu. 10 00:00:35,240 --> 00:00:38,880 Speaker 1: But as we all now know, no one was truly 11 00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:42,199 Speaker 1: safe from COVID nineteen, and one of the earliest to 12 00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:47,000 Speaker 1: sound that alarm was Los Angeles fitness trainer Amanda Klutes. 13 00:00:47,760 --> 00:00:50,320 Speaker 1: I know my husband with of nothing more than to 14 00:00:50,400 --> 00:00:53,440 Speaker 1: go on a beautiful walk through Laurea Canyon. He would 15 00:00:53,479 --> 00:00:56,880 Speaker 1: love them, so do it for these people. They can't 16 00:00:56,880 --> 00:01:00,000 Speaker 1: do it right now because in mid March, Amanda's husband, 17 00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:04,200 Speaker 1: then Nick Cordero, was feeling run down and taking frequent 18 00:01:04,360 --> 00:01:09,360 Speaker 1: naps several hours a day. I'm sitting outside of Cedar 19 00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:13,240 Speaker 1: sign A hospital right now. And when his health quickly 20 00:01:13,319 --> 00:01:15,600 Speaker 1: declined and he was forced to go to the hospital. 21 00:01:16,040 --> 00:01:20,280 Speaker 1: Amanda started sharing updates on Instagram. I just finished my 22 00:01:20,360 --> 00:01:24,199 Speaker 1: daily visit to go stand outside and play Nick song 23 00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:26,640 Speaker 1: and sing and pray and talk to him from Afar. 24 00:01:27,840 --> 00:01:31,279 Speaker 1: Within days of being admitted, Nick was on a ventil 25 00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:35,320 Speaker 1: later and in a medically induced coma. So yes, my 26 00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:38,040 Speaker 1: husband is in the I see you and Yes. By 27 00:01:38,120 --> 00:01:41,480 Speaker 1: mid April his leg was amputated. He has to pull 28 00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:47,080 Speaker 1: through because all of this was his plan, l a moving, 29 00:01:47,280 --> 00:01:54,560 Speaker 1: buying a first home. By July, he was gone, hug 30 00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:58,960 Speaker 1: your loved ones, because I'm telling you, when I get 31 00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:00,840 Speaker 1: to hug Nick again, it's going to be like the 32 00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:05,960 Speaker 1: best in my life. Nick was just forty one years old. 33 00:02:06,440 --> 00:02:10,560 Speaker 1: He was a Tony nominated Broadway star, an aspiring musician, 34 00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:16,080 Speaker 1: and a new dad. That is the short version of 35 00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:19,680 Speaker 1: the story. The long and truly moving version of that 36 00:02:19,760 --> 00:02:24,079 Speaker 1: pandemic tragedy is now a memoir called Live Your Life, 37 00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:28,240 Speaker 1: My Story of Loving and Losing Nick Cordero. It was 38 00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:31,320 Speaker 1: written by Amanda Clutes with the help of her sister Anna, 39 00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:35,079 Speaker 1: and I was lucky enough to talk to Amanda about Nick, 40 00:02:35,639 --> 00:02:41,760 Speaker 1: the writing process, the heartbreak, and the healing. Amanda I 41 00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:46,000 Speaker 1: hate even asking you to relive this, but you know, 42 00:02:46,040 --> 00:02:50,560 Speaker 1: and I followed you so closely as you told your story, 43 00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:54,360 Speaker 1: really courageously and so openly, which I want to ask 44 00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:57,920 Speaker 1: you about in a moment. But can you just tell 45 00:02:58,040 --> 00:03:03,320 Speaker 1: people what happened to because his diagnosis was so shocking 46 00:03:03,440 --> 00:03:08,520 Speaker 1: and discombobulating and confusing, and it was in the early 47 00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:14,080 Speaker 1: days of the pandemic. And of course I wonder now 48 00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:17,920 Speaker 1: if you know, when with my husband's illness, I think, 49 00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:20,760 Speaker 1: why didn't I recognize this? Why didn't I see this? 50 00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:25,079 Speaker 1: Why didn't I appreciate that this was happening to his body? 51 00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:30,240 Speaker 1: And and you all were I think, I mean it 52 00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:32,959 Speaker 1: was a bit of magical thinking, but also just a 53 00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:38,080 Speaker 1: lack of understanding about this this virus. So tell me 54 00:03:38,120 --> 00:03:42,760 Speaker 1: about Nick. When he first got sick, he was just really, 55 00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:48,480 Speaker 1: really tired, sleeping all the time, and honestly, Katie, to 56 00:03:48,640 --> 00:03:54,640 Speaker 1: a lack of knowledge about the hospital and care and 57 00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:58,280 Speaker 1: what being in the i c U means and everything 58 00:03:58,680 --> 00:04:01,160 Speaker 1: that they have to do in I see, I had 59 00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:07,600 Speaker 1: no clue. I was so green about everything. Um, yes, Nick, Um, 60 00:04:07,640 --> 00:04:09,960 Speaker 1: you know, we still don't know how he got COVID. 61 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:14,200 Speaker 1: We will never know this it's impossible to trace, you know. 62 00:04:14,360 --> 00:04:16,640 Speaker 1: We can think about we were in New York City, 63 00:04:16,839 --> 00:04:19,960 Speaker 1: this was the beginning of March. Um, he was around 64 00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:22,159 Speaker 1: a lot of people, around a lot of Broadway people, 65 00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:25,400 Speaker 1: but he was also around me and my entire family 66 00:04:25,480 --> 00:04:29,440 Speaker 1: and all of our friends. Um, the whole two weeks 67 00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:32,440 Speaker 1: that we were in New York and no one got COVID, 68 00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:36,480 Speaker 1: you know, so that's you know, so then you think, okay, 69 00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:38,320 Speaker 1: then he got it on the flight back to l A. 70 00:04:39,040 --> 00:04:42,400 Speaker 1: But then he was only two days after that flight 71 00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:45,320 Speaker 1: that he started having symptoms. So that doesn't really even 72 00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:49,240 Speaker 1: correlate the math. So, um, we'll never know that piece. 73 00:04:49,279 --> 00:04:51,799 Speaker 1: But yes, it just started with Nick being really tired, 74 00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:54,280 Speaker 1: and I thought it was a couple of things. I thought, 75 00:04:54,320 --> 00:04:57,560 Speaker 1: you know, maybe he's depressed. His show, um is closed 76 00:04:57,600 --> 00:05:01,480 Speaker 1: because of COVID. We're in this how use um and 77 00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:05,080 Speaker 1: we have nowhere to go. Um, he can't create, he 78 00:05:05,120 --> 00:05:07,000 Speaker 1: can to do the things that he loved to do, 79 00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:09,520 Speaker 1: his music. He was really working on his music. So 80 00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:12,119 Speaker 1: I thought, you know, he's just depressed and jet lagged, 81 00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:15,520 Speaker 1: and so yes, go sleep. And I feel bad now 82 00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:18,039 Speaker 1: because I was, you know, taking pictures of him and 83 00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:21,080 Speaker 1: sending them to my sisters and being like next taking 84 00:05:21,120 --> 00:05:24,800 Speaker 1: another nap. Don't worry, I'm just here, you know, with Elvis. 85 00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:28,719 Speaker 1: You know, um, and I feel like you said, it's like, 86 00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:31,560 Speaker 1: I feel so bad about that now. I didn't recognize 87 00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:34,880 Speaker 1: that anything was wrong because he literally was just sleeping. 88 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:36,880 Speaker 1: He didn't have a cough, he didn't have a fever, 89 00:05:37,120 --> 00:05:40,520 Speaker 1: he didn't ache nothing, And those were all the signs 90 00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:42,800 Speaker 1: that you were seeing on the news, and trust us, 91 00:05:42,920 --> 00:05:46,039 Speaker 1: we were watching the news like every other person in 92 00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:52,120 Speaker 1: the world. Seven Um. It wasn't until he fainted one 93 00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:55,960 Speaker 1: morning and was kind of really out of sorts that 94 00:05:56,040 --> 00:05:59,559 Speaker 1: I took him to an emergency room and or sorry 95 00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:02,680 Speaker 1: and urging care, and the urgent care did all these 96 00:06:02,720 --> 00:06:05,800 Speaker 1: tests for flu, but not COVID because he didn't have 97 00:06:05,839 --> 00:06:09,920 Speaker 1: any COVID symptoms and he wasn't around anyone that had COVID. 98 00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:13,760 Speaker 1: And at that time, again super early in March, you 99 00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:16,920 Speaker 1: couldn't get a COVID test unless you had the symptoms 100 00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:20,400 Speaker 1: or if you were around somebody that attested positive. Nick 101 00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:23,320 Speaker 1: had neither, so they didn't do a COVID test on him. 102 00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:25,960 Speaker 1: They took an X ray of his lungs, which now 103 00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:29,800 Speaker 1: I know from being in the hospital days that his 104 00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:33,719 Speaker 1: lungs looked terrible, like when it looks like charge of glass. 105 00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:36,200 Speaker 1: So but you know, again didn't know. Nick and I 106 00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:38,640 Speaker 1: looked at this X ray and they said, you know, 107 00:06:38,760 --> 00:06:41,359 Speaker 1: he looks it looks like you have pneumonia, is what 108 00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:44,440 Speaker 1: Urgin Care said. And they said, if you get better, um, 109 00:06:44,480 --> 00:06:46,520 Speaker 1: we're gonna give you some drugs. Hopefully we'll get better. 110 00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:48,360 Speaker 1: If you don't get better, go to the emergency room 111 00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:51,320 Speaker 1: on Monday, over the weekend. With all the drugs that 112 00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:53,880 Speaker 1: they gave him, he was even worse and it got 113 00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:56,520 Speaker 1: really bad. He couldn't breathe. He was having really a 114 00:06:56,560 --> 00:07:00,039 Speaker 1: really hard time breathing and he was using um and 115 00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:04,440 Speaker 1: hailer that they had prescribed him. So that the Sunday 116 00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:06,800 Speaker 1: night before I took him to the emergency room, we 117 00:07:06,839 --> 00:07:09,440 Speaker 1: called our good friend who is a brain like one 118 00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:12,160 Speaker 1: of the top brain surgeons at Cedar Sinai, and he 119 00:07:12,280 --> 00:07:15,400 Speaker 1: said the breathing issues, that that sound good. You should 120 00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:19,080 Speaker 1: take him right away. And I said, well as the morning. Okay, 121 00:07:19,280 --> 00:07:21,160 Speaker 1: you know, we have this little boy and he's sleeping 122 00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:23,800 Speaker 1: and I don't know how to you know, he said, Okay, 123 00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:26,360 Speaker 1: but just the first thing in the morning. So we did. 124 00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:28,320 Speaker 1: We took him to the emergency room first thing in 125 00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:32,240 Speaker 1: the morning, and I dropped nick off. I thought I'd 126 00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:35,800 Speaker 1: pick him up in two hours. Um, you know, I 127 00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:39,040 Speaker 1: I look back on that moment, I honestly don't remember 128 00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:41,760 Speaker 1: what we said. I didn't kiss or hug him because 129 00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:44,720 Speaker 1: we we didn't know what he had. And again, like 130 00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:48,320 Speaker 1: in those early days, it was like, don't leave your house, 131 00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:50,800 Speaker 1: you're gonna get COVID. You you know, if somebody's sick, 132 00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:52,920 Speaker 1: don't even go near him. And we had Elvis, and 133 00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:56,200 Speaker 1: I was still breastfeeding Elvis and you know, taking care 134 00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:58,600 Speaker 1: of him. So I didn't hug him, I didn't kiss him. 135 00:07:58,640 --> 00:08:01,800 Speaker 1: I dropped him off at the corner our Cedar SINAI. Um, 136 00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:04,200 Speaker 1: I don't even know if he said goodbye to Elvis. 137 00:08:04,320 --> 00:08:06,480 Speaker 1: I mean, we really thought i'd pick him up in 138 00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:09,400 Speaker 1: a couple of hours. I went for a walk, and 139 00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:12,840 Speaker 1: of course, you know, those hours turned into they want 140 00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:15,560 Speaker 1: to keep me overnight. They did a COVID test. That 141 00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:18,800 Speaker 1: turned into that morning, Um, they're taking me to the 142 00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:22,040 Speaker 1: i c U. My my organs aren't getting enough oxygen. 143 00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:26,040 Speaker 1: And then the next day they want to, you know, 144 00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:28,520 Speaker 1: put me under and put me on the ventil lator. 145 00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:34,800 Speaker 1: So upsetting to read that, Amanda, because obviously things just spiraled. 146 00:08:34,840 --> 00:08:38,600 Speaker 1: But when you write about Nick just basically waving to 147 00:08:38,679 --> 00:08:44,000 Speaker 1: you on the curb and you saying goodbye, without any 148 00:08:44,160 --> 00:08:48,360 Speaker 1: kind of idea that this was going to be the 149 00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:51,920 Speaker 1: last time you saw him outside a hospital setting and 150 00:08:52,040 --> 00:08:57,280 Speaker 1: the last time he was him, you know, because I 151 00:08:57,280 --> 00:08:59,760 Speaker 1: saw him again, of course, but he couldn't he could 152 00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:01,640 Speaker 1: bear even opened his eyes, you know, on a good 153 00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:05,320 Speaker 1: day he could open his eyes. So and uh, yeah, 154 00:09:05,559 --> 00:09:09,080 Speaker 1: it's it's it's so hard. I I hate thinking about 155 00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:12,160 Speaker 1: that moment, and it only makes me every time I 156 00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:15,400 Speaker 1: say goodbye to Elvis, even if his nanny is just 157 00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:17,800 Speaker 1: taking him to music class, I hug and kissed that 158 00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:19,720 Speaker 1: little boy and let him know I love him, because 159 00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:23,080 Speaker 1: you just never know. I mean, life is just That's 160 00:09:23,120 --> 00:09:25,280 Speaker 1: one thing I learned this past year is how fragile 161 00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:27,160 Speaker 1: life is. And now you just never know. And you 162 00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:31,080 Speaker 1: can't take it for granted. When you went to see 163 00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:33,160 Speaker 1: him when he was going to be put on a 164 00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:36,640 Speaker 1: ventil later, uh, he was quite out of it, as 165 00:09:36,679 --> 00:09:39,640 Speaker 1: you said. His h you know, you describe him as 166 00:09:39,679 --> 00:09:43,320 Speaker 1: sleeping with his eyes sort of half open, which was 167 00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:47,520 Speaker 1: scary and disturbing, I know. But he did tell you 168 00:09:47,600 --> 00:09:52,319 Speaker 1: that he was scared, didn't he. Well, that was Um, 169 00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:55,880 Speaker 1: that was actually a beautiful moment. So I that was 170 00:09:55,920 --> 00:09:58,040 Speaker 1: at four o'clock in the morning, he called me. They 171 00:09:58,040 --> 00:10:00,120 Speaker 1: want and he said, they want, they want to put 172 00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:06,080 Speaker 1: me on a ventilator. Um. And uh and I said, oh, okay, 173 00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:10,800 Speaker 1: again not really fully even understanding what it was. I 174 00:10:10,840 --> 00:10:14,480 Speaker 1: really didn't. I don't even think Nick did. Um. And 175 00:10:14,559 --> 00:10:17,120 Speaker 1: you know, in the I c you that's so formulaic 176 00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:22,600 Speaker 1: that you know, it's it's nothing to them. And so um. 177 00:10:22,679 --> 00:10:24,680 Speaker 1: When he called to tell me that I had elvis 178 00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:26,560 Speaker 1: in my arms, it was four o'clock in the morning, 179 00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:30,320 Speaker 1: I was like, okay, honey. Um. You know, they said 180 00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:33,200 Speaker 1: they'll it'll be a couple of days at the most 181 00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:36,440 Speaker 1: seven days. Um. But this is just so that my 182 00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:39,840 Speaker 1: body can rest and I can get better and and 183 00:10:39,880 --> 00:10:42,600 Speaker 1: they can you know, get oxygen really into my body 184 00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:46,600 Speaker 1: and my organs. And so we said, I love you. 185 00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:50,160 Speaker 1: And that's the last time I heard, you know, I 186 00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:56,040 Speaker 1: heard Nick speak. The beautiful moment was later on in 187 00:10:56,080 --> 00:10:59,960 Speaker 1: the hospital. UM, towards the end. I was sitting there 188 00:11:00,040 --> 00:11:03,680 Speaker 1: one day with Nick's mother and a nurse walked into 189 00:11:03,720 --> 00:11:06,560 Speaker 1: the room and he said, are you Amanda And I 190 00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:08,679 Speaker 1: said yes, and he said, oh my gosh, I've been 191 00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:11,320 Speaker 1: trying to find you. I heard that you had been 192 00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:14,480 Speaker 1: visiting Nick. He said, I want to let you know. 193 00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:17,040 Speaker 1: I'm the nurse that was with Nick when they put 194 00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:19,240 Speaker 1: him on the ventilator, And of course, like I was 195 00:11:19,280 --> 00:11:23,240 Speaker 1: already bawling, and he said he said, um, that Nick 196 00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:29,600 Speaker 1: was really scared, and that um, that he was really 197 00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:32,240 Speaker 1: scared that he would never see his wife A kidding 198 00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:36,840 Speaker 1: in So, I mean, at the moment, it was actually 199 00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:39,360 Speaker 1: a beautiful moment. It's kind of like, really sad to 200 00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:41,440 Speaker 1: think about. But when the nurse came in to tell 201 00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:45,160 Speaker 1: me that, it was just like I was by nixt side, 202 00:11:45,160 --> 00:11:47,640 Speaker 1: I was holding his hand, and I just like I 203 00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:50,959 Speaker 1: was so happy that I was there with him. What 204 00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:53,920 Speaker 1: it's must be So, I mean, first of all, what 205 00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:59,760 Speaker 1: you've been through is incredibly traumatizing on its own, but 206 00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:03,720 Speaker 1: the circumstances not being able to see him then I 207 00:12:03,760 --> 00:12:06,720 Speaker 1: know they did let you come in and see him ultimately, 208 00:12:06,880 --> 00:12:11,200 Speaker 1: but I mean to feel so I think you feel 209 00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:14,760 Speaker 1: powerless and helpless under the best of circumstances when someone 210 00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:17,720 Speaker 1: you love is sick, and then when you cannot be 211 00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:24,640 Speaker 1: there physically, it must have been maddening and just so 212 00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:27,840 Speaker 1: I don't even know if there's a word for it, Amanda, 213 00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:33,800 Speaker 1: so frustrating and so um infuriating. I don't even know, 214 00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:37,680 Speaker 1: as I said, how to describe that feeling you must 215 00:12:37,679 --> 00:12:42,720 Speaker 1: have had not being able to be there to to 216 00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:47,000 Speaker 1: support him and to comfort him and to help him. Yeah. No, 217 00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:51,120 Speaker 1: and it was it was really hard too, because you know, 218 00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:58,199 Speaker 1: again you you in retrospect, I have a slightly different 219 00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:03,719 Speaker 1: you know, feeling in the moment as a wife, you know, 220 00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:09,319 Speaker 1: and as a mother. Um, I was. I was maddening. 221 00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:12,600 Speaker 1: It was very frustrating. And you know, how can you 222 00:13:12,679 --> 00:13:14,680 Speaker 1: not let me in this hospital right now? I don't 223 00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:18,920 Speaker 1: go anywhere I'm safe, I've been tested, I don't have COVID. Um. 224 00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:21,280 Speaker 1: I need to be by him. Nick needs his people, 225 00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:25,400 Speaker 1: you know, his person, he needs support um. And of course, 226 00:13:25,440 --> 00:13:27,440 Speaker 1: you know, I argued every day, and it was it 227 00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:30,800 Speaker 1: was such a struggle with the hospital and at the 228 00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:35,400 Speaker 1: time very very hard to understand. Now looking back on it, 229 00:13:35,640 --> 00:13:39,160 Speaker 1: I have of course, I mean I always had admiration 230 00:13:39,240 --> 00:13:42,200 Speaker 1: and appreciation to those doctors and nurses, but now looking 231 00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:48,040 Speaker 1: back on it, having you know, that experience, um, I'm 232 00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:50,480 Speaker 1: of course, I'm so grateful to them for even letting 233 00:13:50,520 --> 00:13:55,000 Speaker 1: me in during during this time and everything that was 234 00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:58,520 Speaker 1: going on, and how on a daily basis, anybody that 235 00:13:58,720 --> 00:14:01,040 Speaker 1: entered that hospital was a asked to the patients and 236 00:14:01,120 --> 00:14:04,400 Speaker 1: to the doctors and nurses. So it's so hard, Katie, 237 00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:09,840 Speaker 1: because like, yes, at the time, I was filled like anger, 238 00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:13,080 Speaker 1: battle every day with anyone I could just to try 239 00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:16,160 Speaker 1: to walk through those doors. And you know, the security 240 00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:19,160 Speaker 1: at Cedar Sine at the time was like the White House. 241 00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:23,240 Speaker 1: It was like you aren't getting it. Um, So it 242 00:14:23,320 --> 00:14:25,680 Speaker 1: was a it was a struggle, but um, you know, 243 00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:27,880 Speaker 1: of course they needed it to be that way, and 244 00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:31,240 Speaker 1: of course they needed to protect anyone and everyone that 245 00:14:31,360 --> 00:14:35,640 Speaker 1: was there risking their lives with this whole pandemic. So 246 00:14:36,480 --> 00:14:40,000 Speaker 1: it was, yeah, it was a battle every day. You know, 247 00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:46,000 Speaker 1: I'm thinking about Nick because he had no underlying conditions. 248 00:14:46,520 --> 00:14:50,800 Speaker 1: He was a very healthy person. He uh you know, 249 00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:55,440 Speaker 1: took good care of himself, right, he was in great shape. 250 00:14:56,720 --> 00:15:01,960 Speaker 1: And you know, it's just such a mystery why what 251 00:15:02,040 --> 00:15:05,320 Speaker 1: was it about his biology? And I'm asking this rhetorically 252 00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:10,720 Speaker 1: that that created this situation where this virus was so 253 00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:18,320 Speaker 1: devastating to him. And it's it's still a mystery, isn't it. Yes, 254 00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:21,480 Speaker 1: it certainly is because you know, like you said, he 255 00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:24,240 Speaker 1: had no pre existing health conditions, and on top of that, 256 00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:27,240 Speaker 1: he was even somebody that never really had to go 257 00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:30,720 Speaker 1: to the doctor. He never got a cold, he you know, 258 00:15:31,320 --> 00:15:33,400 Speaker 1: never had the flu. I mean it just you know, 259 00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:37,320 Speaker 1: I'm I'm always at the doctor. I've always had things, 260 00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:40,840 Speaker 1: you know, I've had a thyroid disorder since I was 261 00:15:40,880 --> 00:15:43,320 Speaker 1: in sixth grade. I mean I'm always the one that 262 00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:47,640 Speaker 1: like has the issues. And and then you know, and 263 00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:50,600 Speaker 1: then this happened to him. I mean, yes, super healthy, 264 00:15:50,680 --> 00:15:56,440 Speaker 1: forty one years old and um, you know, had everything 265 00:15:56,480 --> 00:15:59,280 Speaker 1: in life waiting for him. You know, I don't know, 266 00:16:00,280 --> 00:16:02,800 Speaker 1: there's all the things. You know, of course that we 267 00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:06,920 Speaker 1: all heard blood types, um, the fact that he was 268 00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:12,840 Speaker 1: um Latino. You know, it hit the Hispanic community. I mean, 269 00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:15,520 Speaker 1: we went through all of it, and I asked, you know, 270 00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:19,480 Speaker 1: next doctors every single time, and their answer every single 271 00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:23,320 Speaker 1: time was, we don't know. We don't know why this 272 00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:28,840 Speaker 1: virus sometimes really gets to somebody, and why sometimes you 273 00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:31,680 Speaker 1: don't have any symptoms, and why one person in the 274 00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:34,240 Speaker 1: household will get it but nobody else will, and then 275 00:16:34,280 --> 00:16:38,520 Speaker 1: that whole household, everybody will get it. Nobody knows. And 276 00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:42,840 Speaker 1: they also said, that's what's making this so hard about 277 00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:46,440 Speaker 1: helping people and and and and being here right now 278 00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:49,880 Speaker 1: dealing with all these people's um, you know, issues at 279 00:16:49,880 --> 00:16:53,320 Speaker 1: the moment, because they couldn't There was no recipe, do 280 00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:55,280 Speaker 1: you know what I mean, Like, not one thing worked 281 00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:58,320 Speaker 1: for everybody. It's so it was. It was the wild 282 00:16:58,320 --> 00:17:03,400 Speaker 1: wild West at the time. We'll be taking a short break, 283 00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:07,440 Speaker 1: but when we come back, grief in the age of Instagram. 284 00:17:07,480 --> 00:17:22,360 Speaker 1: That's right after this. I have had sort of a 285 00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:27,320 Speaker 1: weird day, super emotional and tired, and I kind of 286 00:17:27,359 --> 00:17:28,919 Speaker 1: just feel like the wind is knocked out of me. 287 00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:32,960 Speaker 1: I just feel like if he hears his music, if 288 00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:37,600 Speaker 1: he hears us playing his music, you know, that'll ground him. 289 00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:39,800 Speaker 1: To wake him up, because the doctor said it's all 290 00:17:39,840 --> 00:17:42,359 Speaker 1: about we got to wake him up. So you guys, 291 00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:45,399 Speaker 1: he did get another great report from the doctor. Things 292 00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:49,879 Speaker 1: are just slightly looking better. I'm gonna tell you guys 293 00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:53,679 Speaker 1: some more Nick stories because I have so many people 294 00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:59,800 Speaker 1: praying for him. It's so sorry. Um, just like a 295 00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:04,239 Speaker 1: beautiful story. My husband has been in the ICU for 296 00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:07,240 Speaker 1: ninety one days. We don't know if he will make it. 297 00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:10,040 Speaker 1: I hope and pray every single day in my life 298 00:18:10,119 --> 00:18:19,119 Speaker 1: that he does. You went through the whole process and 299 00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:27,280 Speaker 1: this whole journey very publicly on Instagram, and I, like 300 00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:33,680 Speaker 1: so many other people watched you and I'm curious why 301 00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:36,520 Speaker 1: why you decided to do that and how you found 302 00:18:36,600 --> 00:18:40,280 Speaker 1: the courage to do it, because I know it wasn't easy. 303 00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:43,400 Speaker 1: I mean, we could see how difficult it was on 304 00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:47,040 Speaker 1: many days, and you were asking people to pray for 305 00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:53,960 Speaker 1: Nick and giving people updates and there it was profoundly personal. 306 00:18:54,359 --> 00:18:57,520 Speaker 1: And did you just did you just feel like you 307 00:18:57,640 --> 00:19:01,040 Speaker 1: needed that outlet? How did that kind start? And when 308 00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:05,760 Speaker 1: did you decide I'm going to just be really honest 309 00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:09,160 Speaker 1: and real on social media about what I'm going through. 310 00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:13,639 Speaker 1: Well it started because, um, you know, Katie, I have 311 00:19:13,760 --> 00:19:17,439 Speaker 1: this fitness business that I run, and so I'm you know, 312 00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:21,360 Speaker 1: before all of this happened, I had fifty thou followers 313 00:19:21,359 --> 00:19:25,479 Speaker 1: on Instagram. But um, to those fifty thousand followers, I 314 00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:30,280 Speaker 1: was always on Instagram, always promoting fitness in my life 315 00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:34,480 Speaker 1: and showing Elvis and you know Nick, and you know 316 00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:38,640 Speaker 1: anything that happened with Nick and I are wedding. You know, Um, 317 00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:42,600 Speaker 1: I was already very public, but to that small amount 318 00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:46,760 Speaker 1: of people, and um, when Nick got sick and I 319 00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:48,720 Speaker 1: took him to the hospital and then when he was 320 00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:53,600 Speaker 1: in the ICU, I originally got on Instagram and and 321 00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:56,760 Speaker 1: started talking about it because I thought, well, first of all, 322 00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:02,480 Speaker 1: I can't be on Instagram, am being this fitness person, 323 00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:06,600 Speaker 1: but have this other part of my life happening and 324 00:20:06,680 --> 00:20:09,840 Speaker 1: not be honest about it. It It felt like I would 325 00:20:09,880 --> 00:20:12,400 Speaker 1: be living a lie. So I felt like I had 326 00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:15,360 Speaker 1: to at least address it. And then, but more importantly 327 00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:19,880 Speaker 1: was the fact that I felt like to somebody who 328 00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:24,320 Speaker 1: is sitting at home watching the news and hearing what 329 00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:28,560 Speaker 1: was happening, and hearing the symptoms that were COVID symptoms, 330 00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:31,280 Speaker 1: but then my husband's laying in the i c U 331 00:20:31,440 --> 00:20:33,760 Speaker 1: and he didn't have any of these symptoms, I thought, 332 00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:37,159 Speaker 1: you know, I have to I have to talk about 333 00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:39,960 Speaker 1: this because if there's anyone else laying on their couch 334 00:20:40,119 --> 00:20:44,240 Speaker 1: just tired, maybe they should, you know, listen and and 335 00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:47,560 Speaker 1: get checked and tested because this this might be a 336 00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:52,560 Speaker 1: symptom too. Um. So you know, I thank God that 337 00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:55,960 Speaker 1: that I did that, just because I feel like it 338 00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:59,880 Speaker 1: helped a lot of people just be aware of the situation. 339 00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:04,680 Speaker 1: And and then of course, like things just you know, snowballed. 340 00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:08,919 Speaker 1: And in eighteen days, Nick was you know, had died, 341 00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:15,120 Speaker 1: lost a leg, was on ecmo um and barely surviving 342 00:21:15,359 --> 00:21:18,920 Speaker 1: in eighteen days. So it kind of just really quickly 343 00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:23,240 Speaker 1: snowballed again when I when I look back, because in 344 00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:28,000 Speaker 1: the moment, I was just kind of um in fighter mode, 345 00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:32,160 Speaker 1: you know, and and as I was sharing things that 346 00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:37,400 Speaker 1: the response from people was so comforting. The kindness, the prayers, 347 00:21:37,480 --> 00:21:41,959 Speaker 1: the support, the food on our doorstep, the you know, 348 00:21:42,119 --> 00:21:45,280 Speaker 1: any anything. I mean, it was it was crazy how 349 00:21:45,359 --> 00:21:49,439 Speaker 1: generous people were being, and it was so helpful. It 350 00:21:49,480 --> 00:21:52,480 Speaker 1: was really helping me. And then I realized in writing 351 00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:56,719 Speaker 1: this book that when I look back at sharing my 352 00:21:56,800 --> 00:22:01,000 Speaker 1: story and why I probably kept continuing doing it was 353 00:22:01,040 --> 00:22:03,919 Speaker 1: because it was literally therapy for me. Every single day 354 00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:07,160 Speaker 1: I was on I was talking it out. Something would 355 00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:10,240 Speaker 1: happen and I would just talk it out. Number one 356 00:22:10,359 --> 00:22:13,800 Speaker 1: role a therapist will do, just talk talk what happened, 357 00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:17,120 Speaker 1: write it down or talk it out. So every day 358 00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:21,880 Speaker 1: I was just being completely honest and open talking everything 359 00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:24,720 Speaker 1: that was happening. It was it was literally like I 360 00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:27,720 Speaker 1: was giving myself therapy every day. I didn't realize I 361 00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:30,919 Speaker 1: was doing that until my girlfriend, who was studying to 362 00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:34,200 Speaker 1: be a therapist, said to me after we wrote after 363 00:22:34,280 --> 00:22:36,520 Speaker 1: I wrote the book, she goes, you know you you 364 00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:38,800 Speaker 1: you did like what a therapist would tell you to 365 00:22:38,880 --> 00:22:42,480 Speaker 1: do if if if they were giving you advice to like, okay, 366 00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:45,200 Speaker 1: just day one, what happened, And she was, you did 367 00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:47,560 Speaker 1: that every single day for yourself. So she said, you're 368 00:22:47,640 --> 00:22:51,000 Speaker 1: kind of if if I were looking for a therapist 369 00:22:51,040 --> 00:22:53,159 Speaker 1: for you, you kind of need to look for somebody 370 00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:57,000 Speaker 1: who can work backwards because you've already done a lot 371 00:22:57,080 --> 00:23:00,159 Speaker 1: of the work that a therapist would tell you to 372 00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:02,320 Speaker 1: do first and foremost talk about it and then write 373 00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:06,399 Speaker 1: it down. She goes, so you talked about it and 374 00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:09,439 Speaker 1: now you've written it down. So she was like, I 375 00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:11,600 Speaker 1: don't I don't know how to treat you. I don't 376 00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:15,679 Speaker 1: know what to tell you to do. Um, But I 377 00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:19,280 Speaker 1: realized now it was therapy and and and asking people 378 00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:23,000 Speaker 1: for help and asking people for prayers, the medical advice 379 00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:25,720 Speaker 1: I got every day, the doctors from all over the 380 00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:28,520 Speaker 1: world that we're reaching out to me. I mean, it 381 00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:31,160 Speaker 1: was it was I could not have gotten through those 382 00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:34,439 Speaker 1: days without that love and support. I really couldn't have. 383 00:23:34,520 --> 00:23:37,240 Speaker 1: And I do believe I truly believe Nick felt it 384 00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:41,920 Speaker 1: in the hospital. I really do. You were asked, I know, 385 00:23:42,560 --> 00:23:46,160 Speaker 1: about writing a book, Amanda, two weeks after Nick died, 386 00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:51,520 Speaker 1: and I just I can't imagine being approached about that 387 00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:56,560 Speaker 1: and being ready to kind of talk about what you 388 00:23:56,880 --> 00:24:00,679 Speaker 1: had been through. But you wanted to and you were ready, 389 00:24:00,880 --> 00:24:04,600 Speaker 1: or maybe you weren't, but you decided to try tell 390 00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:07,800 Speaker 1: me about the process you went through when it came 391 00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:11,680 Speaker 1: to writing this book, or actually deciding you would write 392 00:24:11,680 --> 00:24:17,520 Speaker 1: a book. Um. Well, Actually Harper's HarperCollins reached out to 393 00:24:17,560 --> 00:24:23,280 Speaker 1: me end of June, so before Nick passed, and um, she, 394 00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:27,440 Speaker 1: Lisa Sharky reached out to me and she said, I've 395 00:24:27,440 --> 00:24:32,119 Speaker 1: been following this story and she said, um, it needs 396 00:24:32,160 --> 00:24:35,840 Speaker 1: to be written down. It's a piece of history, I believe, 397 00:24:36,200 --> 00:24:40,000 Speaker 1: and this story is just remarkable. And she said, I 398 00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:43,200 Speaker 1: don't even care how it ends. Um, I just think 399 00:24:43,240 --> 00:24:46,280 Speaker 1: it's important that you write it down and I was 400 00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:51,680 Speaker 1: leaving the hospital. I was like, you know, I couldn't 401 00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:55,640 Speaker 1: during that time, like my mind was so just all 402 00:24:55,680 --> 00:24:59,840 Speaker 1: over the place, of course, and I said, well, oh my, 403 00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:02,720 Speaker 1: and I'm you know, I don't even I don't I'm 404 00:25:02,720 --> 00:25:05,920 Speaker 1: not a writer. And she said, no, what we would 405 00:25:05,920 --> 00:25:09,000 Speaker 1: get somebody to help you write it, and and I 406 00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:13,120 Speaker 1: didn't have a lit agent, and so I said, well, 407 00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:15,640 Speaker 1: you know, let me think about this. I reached out 408 00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:19,479 Speaker 1: to Gabrielle Bernstein, who had been following the story and 409 00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:23,800 Speaker 1: had been kind of uh writing to me over Instagram, 410 00:25:23,840 --> 00:25:25,680 Speaker 1: any kind of things that she can do to help. 411 00:25:25,720 --> 00:25:27,040 Speaker 1: So I reached out to her. She got on the 412 00:25:27,040 --> 00:25:30,480 Speaker 1: phone with me and she said, um, I'm gonna put 413 00:25:30,480 --> 00:25:33,160 Speaker 1: you in touch with my lit agent, and I think 414 00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:34,959 Speaker 1: you should do this. I think you should do this. 415 00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:40,240 Speaker 1: And I said okay. And I quickly thought of, you know, 416 00:25:40,280 --> 00:25:43,000 Speaker 1: if I if I want somebody to write this with me, 417 00:25:43,240 --> 00:25:45,239 Speaker 1: and I'm gonna need somebody to write this with me. 418 00:25:45,320 --> 00:25:48,359 Speaker 1: I needed to be my little sister. Um. So I 419 00:25:48,400 --> 00:25:53,000 Speaker 1: pitched Anna to HarperCollins, and after reading just a snippet 420 00:25:53,040 --> 00:25:56,640 Speaker 1: of how she writes, she's an incredible writer. They were 421 00:25:56,680 --> 00:25:59,040 Speaker 1: like yes, of course, Oh my gosh. And I said, 422 00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:01,240 Speaker 1: you know, Anna has been not only with me through 423 00:26:01,480 --> 00:26:03,720 Speaker 1: this whole battle, she's been in the hospital with me, 424 00:26:03,840 --> 00:26:08,439 Speaker 1: but she also was a huge part of um, my 425 00:26:08,560 --> 00:26:11,119 Speaker 1: relationship with Nick. She was on our honeymoon, part of 426 00:26:11,119 --> 00:26:13,600 Speaker 1: our honeymoon with us. I mean, she's he must have 427 00:26:13,640 --> 00:26:17,760 Speaker 1: loved that. I did. No, Actually, we had a we 428 00:26:17,800 --> 00:26:21,960 Speaker 1: had an epic honeymoon that I'm honestly like, thank god 429 00:26:22,040 --> 00:26:25,840 Speaker 1: we did that. And and the bit that Anna was 430 00:26:25,920 --> 00:26:29,560 Speaker 1: on actually was a good amount of friends we were 431 00:26:29,600 --> 00:26:32,280 Speaker 1: with and it was so great, it was so great. 432 00:26:32,760 --> 00:26:34,639 Speaker 1: But um, she was such a part of our lives 433 00:26:34,640 --> 00:26:37,320 Speaker 1: and so um, you know, was the perfect person to 434 00:26:37,359 --> 00:26:42,399 Speaker 1: do this with. And um, you know Nick passed and 435 00:26:42,440 --> 00:26:45,080 Speaker 1: they they And by no means we're pressuring me to 436 00:26:45,119 --> 00:26:48,720 Speaker 1: start writing. But I went to Ohio with my parents 437 00:26:48,760 --> 00:26:52,159 Speaker 1: just to kind of decompress and have like some time, 438 00:26:52,440 --> 00:26:55,119 Speaker 1: and I put Elvis to bed one night and I 439 00:26:55,200 --> 00:26:58,960 Speaker 1: just started writing. Um. And again, I think it was 440 00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:01,400 Speaker 1: that whole thing of be myself therapy. And I didn't 441 00:27:01,440 --> 00:27:04,960 Speaker 1: even know I was doing it. Um, I'm so glad 442 00:27:05,440 --> 00:27:08,359 Speaker 1: I did. I would write till one o'clock in the morning. 443 00:27:08,480 --> 00:27:10,920 Speaker 1: Through tears. I mean there were sometimes I couldn't even 444 00:27:10,920 --> 00:27:13,720 Speaker 1: see the keyboard or what I was typing because I 445 00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:16,280 Speaker 1: was crying so hard. And I would stay up till 446 00:27:16,280 --> 00:27:18,000 Speaker 1: like one or two o'clock in the morning, and I 447 00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:22,520 Speaker 1: would just kind of, you know, just right um, not 448 00:27:22,560 --> 00:27:26,440 Speaker 1: really even knowing, you know, what I was writing necessarily, 449 00:27:26,480 --> 00:27:28,879 Speaker 1: And I started sending things to Anna, and Anna started 450 00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:34,080 Speaker 1: kind of putting it into something and and that's kind 451 00:27:34,080 --> 00:27:37,800 Speaker 1: of how we started writing this book together. And it 452 00:27:37,880 --> 00:27:42,359 Speaker 1: was a really magical experience and and I think for 453 00:27:42,440 --> 00:27:45,480 Speaker 1: both of us, really cathartic, because you know, Anna was 454 00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:48,240 Speaker 1: such a part of this story, and I think it 455 00:27:48,320 --> 00:27:52,159 Speaker 1: really helped us both to process everything. And I'm really 456 00:27:52,200 --> 00:27:55,080 Speaker 1: glad I started writing it when I did, because I'm 457 00:27:55,119 --> 00:27:58,399 Speaker 1: sure you could understand, Katie, Like everything was so fresh 458 00:27:58,400 --> 00:28:01,760 Speaker 1: in my mind, the numb verst, the medical terms, the dates, 459 00:28:01,920 --> 00:28:04,600 Speaker 1: like I knew the dates, what the hospital looked like, 460 00:28:05,000 --> 00:28:08,359 Speaker 1: everything sort of the layout of the hospital, almost, the 461 00:28:08,400 --> 00:28:12,400 Speaker 1: smell of the hospital, the room numbers, the names of nurses, 462 00:28:12,560 --> 00:28:15,800 Speaker 1: I mean, like everything, the medications, Like I mean, you 463 00:28:15,920 --> 00:28:19,920 Speaker 1: had I had it in my brain. It was so there. 464 00:28:19,960 --> 00:28:22,080 Speaker 1: If you asked me to write this book. Now, I 465 00:28:22,119 --> 00:28:25,159 Speaker 1: couldn't do it. I don't have that memory. Unless I 466 00:28:25,200 --> 00:28:27,760 Speaker 1: had written things down, I would not have been able 467 00:28:27,840 --> 00:28:32,720 Speaker 1: to member, like, remember the details in this book are 468 00:28:32,880 --> 00:28:37,639 Speaker 1: so just there there because it was so fresh in 469 00:28:37,680 --> 00:28:41,720 Speaker 1: my memory. And I'm so glad that I just put 470 00:28:41,960 --> 00:28:45,240 Speaker 1: my pen to paper or my fingers to the keyboard 471 00:28:45,240 --> 00:28:51,200 Speaker 1: because it needed to be written down, especially for Elvis. 472 00:28:51,240 --> 00:28:54,040 Speaker 1: I'm so glad this book exists for Elvis because it 473 00:28:54,200 --> 00:28:56,880 Speaker 1: really like I think we'll give him a lot of 474 00:28:56,920 --> 00:29:00,400 Speaker 1: piece one day too, I'm sure. And I think the 475 00:29:00,440 --> 00:29:03,880 Speaker 1: process is so interesting, Amanda, because Anna was in Paris 476 00:29:04,040 --> 00:29:07,280 Speaker 1: and you were in California and Ohio. I guess both, 477 00:29:07,520 --> 00:29:10,680 Speaker 1: um and so you would write and and so you 478 00:29:10,760 --> 00:29:14,080 Speaker 1: had a time difference, and and I guess when she'd 479 00:29:14,080 --> 00:29:18,240 Speaker 1: wake up, she'd kind of how did that work? It 480 00:29:18,280 --> 00:29:22,360 Speaker 1: actually ironically worked out great when when I brought her 481 00:29:22,400 --> 00:29:24,719 Speaker 1: on board for this project, she was just about to 482 00:29:24,840 --> 00:29:28,160 Speaker 1: leave for Paris, and I thought to myself, Anna, I 483 00:29:28,200 --> 00:29:30,080 Speaker 1: don't know how we're gonna do this, Like I think 484 00:29:30,120 --> 00:29:33,160 Speaker 1: you should stay in Laurel Canyon with me and let's 485 00:29:33,280 --> 00:29:36,040 Speaker 1: like write this book and then you go to Paris. 486 00:29:36,160 --> 00:29:39,880 Speaker 1: And she, you know, was just adamant about getting back 487 00:29:39,920 --> 00:29:43,440 Speaker 1: to Paris rightfully. So um, and I'm so glad she did. 488 00:29:43,560 --> 00:29:46,800 Speaker 1: But it actually worked out perfectly because as she was 489 00:29:46,840 --> 00:29:48,920 Speaker 1: waking up, I was going to bed, so I was 490 00:29:49,080 --> 00:29:52,200 Speaker 1: just finishing, you know, whatever I was finishing, and I 491 00:29:52,240 --> 00:29:55,760 Speaker 1: would press send and literally I'd like pull the covers 492 00:29:55,800 --> 00:29:58,440 Speaker 1: over me, and I'd get a text message from her going, 493 00:29:58,960 --> 00:30:01,120 Speaker 1: I just woke up, sister, or I saw your email. 494 00:30:01,200 --> 00:30:04,719 Speaker 1: I'm on it. And so then she would work all 495 00:30:04,800 --> 00:30:06,840 Speaker 1: during the day and then by the time I would 496 00:30:06,840 --> 00:30:09,360 Speaker 1: wake up, I would have her notes, and so that 497 00:30:09,520 --> 00:30:11,720 Speaker 1: after I put Elvis down for bed, I could start 498 00:30:11,720 --> 00:30:16,360 Speaker 1: on her notes. It really flowed so well. And then 499 00:30:16,400 --> 00:30:18,760 Speaker 1: we would get on the phone and FaceTime or you know, 500 00:30:18,880 --> 00:30:21,160 Speaker 1: chat if we needed to kind of like go through details, 501 00:30:21,240 --> 00:30:23,760 Speaker 1: or I would say to her a lot like, um, 502 00:30:23,800 --> 00:30:25,840 Speaker 1: you know, actually, Anna, that's not right, or that's not 503 00:30:25,880 --> 00:30:27,920 Speaker 1: what I was thinking, or you know, she knows me 504 00:30:28,040 --> 00:30:31,240 Speaker 1: so well. I mean, we we used to call Nick 505 00:30:31,360 --> 00:30:33,440 Speaker 1: and she would pick up the she would call him 506 00:30:33,480 --> 00:30:35,120 Speaker 1: and pretend to be me and he wouldn't even know. 507 00:30:35,240 --> 00:30:38,400 Speaker 1: I mean, that's how she. She sounds like me, talks 508 00:30:38,440 --> 00:30:40,480 Speaker 1: like me. I mean, we finished these other sentences. So 509 00:30:40,520 --> 00:30:42,880 Speaker 1: a lot of times she would write something and and 510 00:30:42,920 --> 00:30:44,720 Speaker 1: I would be like, oh my gosh, Anna, like I 511 00:30:45,240 --> 00:30:47,000 Speaker 1: can't like it's like you were inside my brain. And 512 00:30:47,000 --> 00:30:48,960 Speaker 1: then other time she would I would be like, that's 513 00:30:49,000 --> 00:30:51,840 Speaker 1: actually not what I was thinking. He's like, oh okay, man, 514 00:30:51,840 --> 00:30:54,160 Speaker 1: It's like, okay, tell me. And so we had a 515 00:30:54,160 --> 00:30:56,560 Speaker 1: lot of beautiful moments, and then a lot of times 516 00:30:56,560 --> 00:30:59,280 Speaker 1: where I would go to bed sobbing and she would 517 00:30:59,320 --> 00:31:02,120 Speaker 1: text me and she would say, Sister, I know I 518 00:31:02,160 --> 00:31:06,440 Speaker 1: went to bed sobbing too. Um, I can't believe this happened. 519 00:31:06,440 --> 00:31:08,840 Speaker 1: And I would write back, I can't believe this happened either. 520 00:31:08,880 --> 00:31:12,560 Speaker 1: It doesn't seem real. And um, you know because you 521 00:31:12,600 --> 00:31:15,840 Speaker 1: write this that you write it down, especially Katie, like 522 00:31:16,480 --> 00:31:19,000 Speaker 1: when you read the book, all of the things that 523 00:31:19,120 --> 00:31:23,000 Speaker 1: are so weird, all the coincidences, all the people that 524 00:31:23,080 --> 00:31:27,040 Speaker 1: started coming into our lives, it just like it doesn't 525 00:31:27,200 --> 00:31:31,200 Speaker 1: seem real, you know. And so a lot of times 526 00:31:31,200 --> 00:31:33,440 Speaker 1: we would be writing something and we would just say like, 527 00:31:33,520 --> 00:31:36,160 Speaker 1: this doesn't seem real, and yet we know it was. 528 00:31:36,240 --> 00:31:39,960 Speaker 1: We lift it, but it just doesn't seem real. Still, 529 00:31:41,000 --> 00:31:43,560 Speaker 1: and the dedication you write for Nick, now you know 530 00:31:43,680 --> 00:31:47,640 Speaker 1: your story for Elvis. Now you have his story. I'm 531 00:31:47,640 --> 00:31:51,440 Speaker 1: curious because you're very honest about some of your struggles 532 00:31:51,440 --> 00:31:55,840 Speaker 1: with Nick um and were you ever tempted Amanda with 533 00:31:55,960 --> 00:32:02,920 Speaker 1: Anna to kind of um given almost sanitized version of 534 00:32:02,920 --> 00:32:06,840 Speaker 1: of Nick. Because this is going to be a real 535 00:32:07,600 --> 00:32:13,240 Speaker 1: lesson and kind of an education for Elvis. And I'm 536 00:32:13,280 --> 00:32:17,080 Speaker 1: curious how you weighed those two things about being you know, 537 00:32:17,600 --> 00:32:22,880 Speaker 1: showing Nick as a complete human being flaws and all. Yeah, well, 538 00:32:22,960 --> 00:32:26,320 Speaker 1: I mean we all have flaws. I mean one of 539 00:32:26,360 --> 00:32:30,560 Speaker 1: my biggest flaws through you know, my relationship with Nick 540 00:32:30,760 --> 00:32:36,320 Speaker 1: was and I you know, hate myself for it, Um, 541 00:32:36,360 --> 00:32:41,040 Speaker 1: but I never really truly believed in his music like 542 00:32:41,240 --> 00:32:44,400 Speaker 1: it was you know. I hate to say that, but 543 00:32:44,480 --> 00:32:47,600 Speaker 1: it wasn't until he was in the hospital and I 544 00:32:47,600 --> 00:32:50,160 Speaker 1: I started singing Live your Life every day that I 545 00:32:50,240 --> 00:32:54,360 Speaker 1: was like, this is an amazing song, and wow, like 546 00:32:54,840 --> 00:32:58,360 Speaker 1: my husband so talented, but gosh, you know, and I 547 00:32:58,400 --> 00:33:01,520 Speaker 1: think this is so relatable. Nick was forty, I was 548 00:33:01,600 --> 00:33:04,760 Speaker 1: thirty eight. We had a new baby, and he wanted 549 00:33:04,800 --> 00:33:07,720 Speaker 1: to like go into music, and I was just like, 550 00:33:08,960 --> 00:33:10,840 Speaker 1: you know, honey, like I don't know if this is 551 00:33:10,880 --> 00:33:14,600 Speaker 1: the time to you know, go on tour with a 552 00:33:14,680 --> 00:33:18,200 Speaker 1: band around the world, the country and in a bus 553 00:33:18,640 --> 00:33:22,440 Speaker 1: two bars. You know what, how how how are we 554 00:33:22,440 --> 00:33:26,479 Speaker 1: supposed to So, you know, I look back and I'm like, gosh, 555 00:33:26,640 --> 00:33:29,880 Speaker 1: I really sucked as like being the supportive wife, you know. 556 00:33:30,160 --> 00:33:33,360 Speaker 1: And we thought about moving to California for all year 557 00:33:33,480 --> 00:33:36,920 Speaker 1: we thought about it. He wanted to come to California. 558 00:33:37,000 --> 00:33:40,280 Speaker 1: That's where he smelled opportunity, and that's where music was, 559 00:33:40,360 --> 00:33:43,280 Speaker 1: and that's where he had to be. And I was like, well, 560 00:33:43,480 --> 00:33:46,200 Speaker 1: my business is here in New York and and in 561 00:33:46,320 --> 00:33:49,960 Speaker 1: the actor world for you knows you here, and and 562 00:33:50,440 --> 00:33:52,880 Speaker 1: my parents have across the hall, and my sisters are 563 00:33:52,960 --> 00:33:55,840 Speaker 1: up the street, like we're really leaving, We're gonna go 564 00:33:55,920 --> 00:33:58,480 Speaker 1: across the country. And your mom is in Toronto, an 565 00:33:58,480 --> 00:34:01,040 Speaker 1: hour flight from New York work. She comes down all 566 00:34:01,040 --> 00:34:02,480 Speaker 1: the time, you know, Like and you just want to 567 00:34:02,520 --> 00:34:05,400 Speaker 1: pick us up and leave us. Yeah, but you know 568 00:34:06,280 --> 00:34:09,760 Speaker 1: that's that's marriage. Like, give me a marriage that's perfect 569 00:34:09,840 --> 00:34:12,680 Speaker 1: all the time, that two people are perfect all the 570 00:34:12,719 --> 00:34:17,080 Speaker 1: time with no flaws. That doesn't exist. And and so 571 00:34:17,200 --> 00:34:20,520 Speaker 1: to to tell this story and pretend like we were 572 00:34:20,520 --> 00:34:23,400 Speaker 1: this perfect couple or that we never had problems, or 573 00:34:23,480 --> 00:34:27,200 Speaker 1: that we never you know, got on each other's nerves 574 00:34:27,360 --> 00:34:31,440 Speaker 1: or or almost broke up, you know, before we really 575 00:34:31,520 --> 00:34:34,919 Speaker 1: kind of got it together. I just you know, that's 576 00:34:34,920 --> 00:34:38,600 Speaker 1: not the truth. And if I hope, if anything, after 577 00:34:38,680 --> 00:34:40,799 Speaker 1: following me through all of this, you know I'm an 578 00:34:40,800 --> 00:34:43,680 Speaker 1: honest person. I will always give you the honest report 579 00:34:43,800 --> 00:34:49,920 Speaker 1: about things going down, because you know there's enough you know, 580 00:34:50,040 --> 00:34:53,880 Speaker 1: making everything perfect for the world and social media especially, 581 00:34:55,040 --> 00:34:58,120 Speaker 1: I think we're all kind of sick of that, right. 582 00:34:59,000 --> 00:35:01,960 Speaker 1: What would you ideal like Elvis to say, when he's 583 00:35:02,040 --> 00:35:06,319 Speaker 1: old enough to read this book, I'm so glad you 584 00:35:06,320 --> 00:35:10,480 Speaker 1: wrote this, Mom. I'm you know, I'm so glad that 585 00:35:11,160 --> 00:35:13,920 Speaker 1: I know I have I'm so glad I have this. 586 00:35:14,440 --> 00:35:19,839 Speaker 1: I'm so glad that my family will have this. Um. 587 00:35:19,880 --> 00:35:24,319 Speaker 1: You know, I think, like I said, there's there's so 588 00:35:24,560 --> 00:35:27,960 Speaker 1: if I didn't, if I hadn't written this down, it 589 00:35:27,960 --> 00:35:31,080 Speaker 1: would have all been from memory. And I think we 590 00:35:31,120 --> 00:35:34,160 Speaker 1: can all attest to the fact that as years pass on, 591 00:35:35,320 --> 00:35:40,560 Speaker 1: you're like, yes, you were born June tenth, it was 592 00:35:40,600 --> 00:35:46,160 Speaker 1: in the morning, six something, and you weighed seven pounds 593 00:35:46,160 --> 00:35:49,319 Speaker 1: and I fourteen owns is I mean you know, I 594 00:35:49,360 --> 00:35:53,440 Speaker 1: mean unless it's written down. As time goes on, you 595 00:35:53,560 --> 00:35:58,200 Speaker 1: just forget things, and I don't. I this was something 596 00:35:58,239 --> 00:36:01,439 Speaker 1: I don't ever want to forget. I don't ever want 597 00:36:01,520 --> 00:36:06,400 Speaker 1: to pass by this story and and who Nick was 598 00:36:06,520 --> 00:36:08,920 Speaker 1: and how hard he fought, because he truly did. He 599 00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:12,640 Speaker 1: fought so hard, and I know he did. I saw it. 600 00:36:13,200 --> 00:36:15,520 Speaker 1: And you know, Elvis will never know because he was 601 00:36:15,560 --> 00:36:18,719 Speaker 1: too little and by the time he came to the hospital, 602 00:36:19,440 --> 00:36:22,880 Speaker 1: it was too late. You know, Nick was was almost 603 00:36:22,920 --> 00:36:27,200 Speaker 1: passing and and Elvis was you know, he wasn't old 604 00:36:27,320 --> 00:36:30,120 Speaker 1: enough to fully understand where he was or who he 605 00:36:30,160 --> 00:36:33,960 Speaker 1: was even seeing. So you know, I'm just glad that 606 00:36:34,160 --> 00:36:37,840 Speaker 1: he has this now. Um and I'm and I'm you know, 607 00:36:37,880 --> 00:36:42,880 Speaker 1: it was crazy. There was a day where Jennifer Love Hewitt, 608 00:36:42,880 --> 00:36:45,000 Speaker 1: who has become a dear friend through all of this, 609 00:36:45,239 --> 00:36:47,479 Speaker 1: she she called me. She's like, I have to talk 610 00:36:47,520 --> 00:36:49,480 Speaker 1: to you, and I was like, okay, And you know, 611 00:36:49,840 --> 00:36:52,880 Speaker 1: she's very spiritual, and she said, I had an amazing 612 00:36:52,960 --> 00:36:56,239 Speaker 1: dream about Nick. He visited me in my dreams, took 613 00:36:56,280 --> 00:36:58,600 Speaker 1: me on a walk through laure O Canyon and was 614 00:36:58,680 --> 00:37:01,319 Speaker 1: talking to me about your book. And he said he 615 00:37:01,480 --> 00:37:04,839 Speaker 1: sat beside you every day when you wrote and he 616 00:37:04,920 --> 00:37:08,000 Speaker 1: now knows his story and he has closure on his life. 617 00:37:08,000 --> 00:37:11,560 Speaker 1: He knows what happened to him in the hospital. And 618 00:37:11,880 --> 00:37:17,680 Speaker 1: I was like, oh my god. And so I had 619 00:37:17,719 --> 00:37:19,680 Speaker 1: never thought of it that way. I never wrote this 620 00:37:19,760 --> 00:37:22,640 Speaker 1: book so that Nick had closure. But it makes sense. 621 00:37:22,719 --> 00:37:25,160 Speaker 1: You mean, you'll see in the book. I I was 622 00:37:25,680 --> 00:37:28,560 Speaker 1: positive Penny every day in that hospital overrem I never 623 00:37:28,640 --> 00:37:31,720 Speaker 1: let anything negative enter his room, and if a doctor 624 00:37:31,719 --> 00:37:34,760 Speaker 1: walked him, we always exited to talk. It was only 625 00:37:34,840 --> 00:37:38,960 Speaker 1: positive things. I never really let him know the severity 626 00:37:39,040 --> 00:37:42,600 Speaker 1: of his situation because I just wanted him to to 627 00:37:42,719 --> 00:37:46,520 Speaker 1: focus on living and walking out of that hospital one 628 00:37:46,560 --> 00:37:50,400 Speaker 1: day and having his code rocky. And so he never knew. 629 00:37:50,840 --> 00:37:53,560 Speaker 1: And um, I never thought of it that way until 630 00:37:53,680 --> 00:37:56,080 Speaker 1: she said that, And then I was like, wow, that's 631 00:37:56,120 --> 00:37:59,719 Speaker 1: so Nick needing closure on his life. Of course, we all, 632 00:38:00,360 --> 00:38:02,799 Speaker 1: you know, a lot of us are closure people, and 633 00:38:03,000 --> 00:38:06,319 Speaker 1: Nick was he he would have needed this closure. And 634 00:38:06,440 --> 00:38:10,279 Speaker 1: so when I wrote the dedication, it was actually the 635 00:38:10,400 --> 00:38:15,040 Speaker 1: day I started my audiobook recording of it, and and 636 00:38:15,160 --> 00:38:18,120 Speaker 1: she said, sorry, the director Travis said, do you know 637 00:38:18,239 --> 00:38:20,799 Speaker 1: your dedication yet? I said I do now. I said, 638 00:38:20,800 --> 00:38:25,160 Speaker 1: it's very simple and I wrote the dedication because now 639 00:38:25,280 --> 00:38:28,960 Speaker 1: Nick knows his story, and now Elvis has the story. 640 00:38:31,160 --> 00:38:34,520 Speaker 1: When we come back, Amanda share some funny Nick stories 641 00:38:34,800 --> 00:38:50,719 Speaker 1: and a very touching letter that's right after this. Now, 642 00:38:50,760 --> 00:38:54,640 Speaker 1: please welcome Tony nominee Nick Cordero and the Company of 643 00:38:54,719 --> 00:39:02,319 Speaker 1: Bullets over Broadway. Yeah. In preparing for this interview, I 644 00:39:02,400 --> 00:39:06,680 Speaker 1: went back and watched Nick's Tony performance and there you were. Yeah. 645 00:39:06,719 --> 00:39:11,000 Speaker 1: I was like, wait, that's Amanda, She's in there. You 646 00:39:11,040 --> 00:39:16,040 Speaker 1: were handing him something right, yes, his his gun. And 647 00:39:16,080 --> 00:39:18,080 Speaker 1: it was so exciting because you know, when you're in 648 00:39:18,120 --> 00:39:21,239 Speaker 1: a Broadway show, you only get nominated if you're a 649 00:39:21,280 --> 00:39:24,440 Speaker 1: New Broadway show, and so you only perform if you're 650 00:39:24,440 --> 00:39:29,279 Speaker 1: a New Broadway show. So it's it's a huge, you know, 651 00:39:29,280 --> 00:39:31,400 Speaker 1: a huge deal if you're asked to perform at the 652 00:39:31,440 --> 00:39:34,080 Speaker 1: Tony Awards and you're a performer. I mean there's a 653 00:39:34,080 --> 00:39:36,480 Speaker 1: lot of times you do fourteen Broadway shows but never 654 00:39:36,480 --> 00:39:38,920 Speaker 1: get to perform at the Tony Awards because it just 655 00:39:38,960 --> 00:39:42,480 Speaker 1: doesn't work out. And so they you know, the number 656 00:39:42,520 --> 00:39:45,239 Speaker 1: that they did was an all male number. Nick's big 657 00:39:45,360 --> 00:39:48,600 Speaker 1: number because he was nominated for a Tony and Susan 658 00:39:48,600 --> 00:39:50,840 Speaker 1: Stroman called me up one day. I'll never forget it, 659 00:39:50,840 --> 00:39:55,680 Speaker 1: and she said, you know, we need um somebody to 660 00:39:55,760 --> 00:39:59,120 Speaker 1: come on and carry give Nick his gun, and so 661 00:39:59,200 --> 00:40:02,000 Speaker 1: I thought it would be perfect if it was you. 662 00:40:02,719 --> 00:40:06,200 Speaker 1: And I think she had a good inkling that Nick 663 00:40:06,239 --> 00:40:10,640 Speaker 1: and I were, you know, kind of flirting from on 664 00:40:10,800 --> 00:40:13,279 Speaker 1: stage and off stage, and so I know she kind 665 00:40:13,280 --> 00:40:17,200 Speaker 1: of probably picked me for that reason too. But it 666 00:40:17,280 --> 00:40:19,920 Speaker 1: was very kind of her to choose me to just 667 00:40:20,040 --> 00:40:23,080 Speaker 1: walk out and walk walk out, walk on and off 668 00:40:23,120 --> 00:40:25,879 Speaker 1: stage because it was so excited that I got to 669 00:40:25,960 --> 00:40:29,000 Speaker 1: perform with the Tony Awards and and give Nick his gun. 670 00:40:29,480 --> 00:40:32,000 Speaker 1: And then no one really knows, but he really messed 671 00:40:32,080 --> 00:40:36,360 Speaker 1: up his lines um singing, and as I was handing 672 00:40:36,520 --> 00:40:39,680 Speaker 1: him his gun, I was smiling, going, oh god, you're 673 00:40:39,719 --> 00:40:42,480 Speaker 1: really just messed up your lines. And he's looking at 674 00:40:42,520 --> 00:40:47,600 Speaker 1: me like I just messed up my lines. And he 675 00:40:48,080 --> 00:40:51,000 Speaker 1: killed himself the whole day. Oh, he was so sad 676 00:40:51,080 --> 00:40:53,600 Speaker 1: that he messed up his lines. But nobody knew unless 677 00:40:53,640 --> 00:40:55,560 Speaker 1: you knew. I was gonna say, I think you're the 678 00:40:55,600 --> 00:40:59,359 Speaker 1: only two who noticed. But I saw him dancing and 679 00:40:59,400 --> 00:41:03,200 Speaker 1: singing and thought, wow, you know he's he was so tall, right, 680 00:41:03,320 --> 00:41:07,040 Speaker 1: how tall was nixt six five katies? Oh my god. 681 00:41:07,239 --> 00:41:10,839 Speaker 1: He was a fantastic dancer. And that's hard when you're 682 00:41:10,920 --> 00:41:14,720 Speaker 1: that tall, isn't it to dance like that? Yeah? And 683 00:41:14,840 --> 00:41:18,080 Speaker 1: you know, you know, Susan Struman is all about dancing 684 00:41:18,080 --> 00:41:20,239 Speaker 1: into the ground, you know, really using your lower body, 685 00:41:20,320 --> 00:41:22,840 Speaker 1: kind of staying underneath yourself when you dance that, you know, 686 00:41:22,920 --> 00:41:25,040 Speaker 1: just you know. And it was an all male number 687 00:41:25,040 --> 00:41:27,920 Speaker 1: and there you know, the you know, gangsters, and so 688 00:41:27,960 --> 00:41:30,960 Speaker 1: it was very like down and dirty kind of number. 689 00:41:31,120 --> 00:41:35,319 Speaker 1: And uh, right from Bullets over Broadway obviously, and what 690 00:41:35,360 --> 00:41:37,960 Speaker 1: was the song? I'm trying to remember the sunny business. 691 00:41:38,120 --> 00:41:42,040 Speaker 1: It ain't nobody's business if I do, right, Yeah, get 692 00:41:42,160 --> 00:41:47,600 Speaker 1: back to slack at leave for four another thing business 693 00:41:47,840 --> 00:41:51,120 Speaker 1: if I do. And so it was great, you know, 694 00:41:51,280 --> 00:41:55,480 Speaker 1: ned worked every day on that dance number. Even before 695 00:41:55,520 --> 00:41:58,919 Speaker 1: we started rehearsals. Susan Struman had him doing private tab 696 00:41:59,000 --> 00:42:03,960 Speaker 1: lessons with James Gray, the associate choreographer, and uh, there 697 00:42:03,960 --> 00:42:06,319 Speaker 1: there are many days in the rehearsal room before we 698 00:42:06,320 --> 00:42:09,080 Speaker 1: started rehearsals that I was the I was the costume model, 699 00:42:09,120 --> 00:42:11,600 Speaker 1: so I was doing the costume modeling and he was 700 00:42:11,640 --> 00:42:14,799 Speaker 1: in the other room doing private tap lessons, and you know, 701 00:42:14,880 --> 00:42:16,560 Speaker 1: we we didn't even like each other that I mean, 702 00:42:16,600 --> 00:42:19,480 Speaker 1: we were just friendly, like hi, Hi. But you know, 703 00:42:19,520 --> 00:42:21,800 Speaker 1: it's just funny to look back on those memories and 704 00:42:22,000 --> 00:42:24,200 Speaker 1: know that I was, you know, naked, wrapped in fur 705 00:42:24,280 --> 00:42:27,120 Speaker 1: in one room and he's doing private tap lessons in another. 706 00:42:27,920 --> 00:42:30,120 Speaker 1: And I believe you write about the fact that he 707 00:42:30,360 --> 00:42:33,040 Speaker 1: caught a glimpse of you naked wrapped him for and 708 00:42:33,160 --> 00:42:37,400 Speaker 1: that might have changed the dynamics ever so slightly. Amanda, 709 00:42:38,800 --> 00:42:41,320 Speaker 1: that was a funny moment. The dole evanted door opened, 710 00:42:41,320 --> 00:42:46,600 Speaker 1: and I was like, oh Anna, and you obviously were 711 00:42:46,760 --> 00:42:49,879 Speaker 1: closer than close before you started this book, and now 712 00:42:49,920 --> 00:42:53,719 Speaker 1: I think probably you know, two heart speat is one 713 00:42:53,800 --> 00:42:55,759 Speaker 1: in many ways. I don't know where I got that, 714 00:42:55,880 --> 00:43:00,160 Speaker 1: but it sounded good. And uh, she you and wlu 715 00:43:00,200 --> 00:43:03,319 Speaker 1: did um a letter she wrote you on Mother's Day 716 00:43:03,360 --> 00:43:06,960 Speaker 1: because you were a little a slightly miffed and disappointed 717 00:43:07,000 --> 00:43:09,640 Speaker 1: that Nick didn't make a fuss when you were pregnant 718 00:43:09,640 --> 00:43:13,680 Speaker 1: with Elvis, and then of course he couldn't for the 719 00:43:13,760 --> 00:43:17,640 Speaker 1: next Mother's Day. But she wrote you a really moving letter, 720 00:43:17,719 --> 00:43:19,799 Speaker 1: and I wondered if you could read a little bit 721 00:43:19,840 --> 00:43:25,440 Speaker 1: of that for us. Oh wow, um yeah, sure, okay 722 00:43:25,640 --> 00:43:31,040 Speaker 1: Chapter twelve on Mother's Day. Okay, here we go. Dear Elvis, 723 00:43:31,480 --> 00:43:34,160 Speaker 1: it's your mom's first Mother's Day, And to use the 724 00:43:34,200 --> 00:43:36,560 Speaker 1: same words that your dad did in her birthday card, 725 00:43:36,680 --> 00:43:39,840 Speaker 1: it is not the kind she wanted or deserves. But 726 00:43:39,960 --> 00:43:42,360 Speaker 1: she woke up this morning as she always does, with 727 00:43:42,440 --> 00:43:46,240 Speaker 1: a full heart and a smile. You're eleven months old today. 728 00:43:46,400 --> 00:43:48,480 Speaker 1: You don't know or understand what is going on in 729 00:43:48,520 --> 00:43:51,560 Speaker 1: the world right now, or what has happened to your family, 730 00:43:51,640 --> 00:43:55,080 Speaker 1: and for that I am so grateful. One day you 731 00:43:55,120 --> 00:43:57,320 Speaker 1: will be able to look back and know what happened 732 00:43:57,400 --> 00:43:59,960 Speaker 1: when you were just a little baby boy are petite. 733 00:44:00,760 --> 00:44:03,360 Speaker 1: You will be able to read about how things change 734 00:44:03,480 --> 00:44:07,239 Speaker 1: so quickly, how our world stopped, and how slowly our 735 00:44:07,320 --> 00:44:11,040 Speaker 1: earth healed from it. You will understand why we always 736 00:44:11,200 --> 00:44:14,640 Speaker 1: linger a second longer now when we hug, and why 737 00:44:14,680 --> 00:44:17,600 Speaker 1: we never miss a birthday, party, a wedding, or a holiday. 738 00:44:18,120 --> 00:44:20,600 Speaker 1: You will know why your mom and uncle Todd and 739 00:44:20,719 --> 00:44:24,719 Speaker 1: I are bonded in the most unbreakable way now. But 740 00:44:24,800 --> 00:44:27,560 Speaker 1: there are some things she's not telling you in her letters. 741 00:44:27,920 --> 00:44:30,279 Speaker 1: Things she won't come out and say herself. And so 742 00:44:30,360 --> 00:44:34,160 Speaker 1: I'm writing you this one so that you will know, Elvis, 743 00:44:34,320 --> 00:44:39,880 Speaker 1: you don't have a regular mom, you have a super mom. 744 00:44:40,120 --> 00:44:43,960 Speaker 1: I can't get through this letter. Um. Right now, you're 745 00:44:44,000 --> 00:44:47,279 Speaker 1: into everything. You destroy the perfectly clean house in a 746 00:44:47,360 --> 00:44:50,759 Speaker 1: matter of seconds. You open every cabinet you shouldn't touch, 747 00:44:50,800 --> 00:44:53,759 Speaker 1: and play with everything but your toys. You trying to 748 00:44:53,760 --> 00:44:57,360 Speaker 1: take down paintings, topple tables, and splash in the toilet. 749 00:44:57,840 --> 00:45:00,319 Speaker 1: Everything you pick up, you trying to put in your mouth, 750 00:45:00,440 --> 00:45:03,040 Speaker 1: from dirty shoes to rocks to lemons that fall from 751 00:45:03,040 --> 00:45:07,040 Speaker 1: the tree in the backyard. She never yells, She never frustrated, 752 00:45:07,200 --> 00:45:10,480 Speaker 1: She never ever shouts. She looks at you with eyes 753 00:45:10,560 --> 00:45:15,040 Speaker 1: that outpour admiration and laughs as you get into mischief, Elvis, 754 00:45:15,120 --> 00:45:17,719 Speaker 1: she is a warrior. What has happened to your dad 755 00:45:17,800 --> 00:45:20,759 Speaker 1: is sometimes impossible to believe so much so quickly, It 756 00:45:20,800 --> 00:45:23,839 Speaker 1: feels to us like it can't be real. Your mom 757 00:45:23,880 --> 00:45:26,080 Speaker 1: has dealt with more fear and pain and stress in 758 00:45:26,080 --> 00:45:28,520 Speaker 1: the last six weeks than most people could ever endure 759 00:45:28,560 --> 00:45:32,919 Speaker 1: in a lifetime. Keep going, No, that's good, Um, how 760 00:45:32,920 --> 00:45:38,239 Speaker 1: did she close it? Um? She says that I have 761 00:45:38,320 --> 00:45:40,880 Speaker 1: never seen someone gives someone else the kind of pure 762 00:45:41,000 --> 00:45:44,200 Speaker 1: and selfless love that your mom gives you. You hit 763 00:45:44,239 --> 00:45:47,399 Speaker 1: the jackpot kid getting her for a mom. I know, 764 00:45:47,600 --> 00:45:49,719 Speaker 1: because I hit the jackpot too when I got her 765 00:45:49,719 --> 00:45:57,520 Speaker 1: first sister. That's so beautiful and so nice. And now 766 00:45:57,640 --> 00:46:00,319 Speaker 1: you know, I think about you, Amanda because she find 767 00:46:00,360 --> 00:46:04,279 Speaker 1: yourself a single mom, which is really hard, I know. 768 00:46:05,440 --> 00:46:10,960 Speaker 1: And how are you handling just being that person that 769 00:46:11,000 --> 00:46:18,359 Speaker 1: you never imagined you'd be? I mean it's yeah, it's hard. Um. 770 00:46:18,920 --> 00:46:23,880 Speaker 1: You know, you feel a lot of pressure to be 771 00:46:24,120 --> 00:46:28,920 Speaker 1: like two people, you know, to give like as more 772 00:46:29,160 --> 00:46:33,200 Speaker 1: than you possibly could give because he's missing half of 773 00:46:33,239 --> 00:46:37,680 Speaker 1: what he should have. Um. There's pressure to provide and 774 00:46:37,719 --> 00:46:41,080 Speaker 1: make sure that I can give him everything I possibly 775 00:46:41,080 --> 00:46:46,120 Speaker 1: can in life. UM. And then there's like days where 776 00:46:46,120 --> 00:46:50,080 Speaker 1: you're just really frustrated because I'm trying to like do 777 00:46:50,280 --> 00:46:53,880 Speaker 1: emails and text people back and even just have a 778 00:46:53,920 --> 00:46:56,000 Speaker 1: sip of coffee or take a shower, and he won't 779 00:46:56,080 --> 00:47:00,320 Speaker 1: let you. Um, and you're just you know, fresh straight 780 00:47:00,400 --> 00:47:02,680 Speaker 1: in and that's really hard because you're like, gosh, I 781 00:47:02,760 --> 00:47:05,080 Speaker 1: just wish there was like somebody else here that could 782 00:47:05,640 --> 00:47:09,440 Speaker 1: you know, his dad, that could be like come on, Elvis, 783 00:47:09,520 --> 00:47:11,480 Speaker 1: like we're gonna do this so mom could go shower. 784 00:47:12,600 --> 00:47:15,640 Speaker 1: That person isn't there, and you know, no one's you know, 785 00:47:16,480 --> 00:47:18,920 Speaker 1: no one sees those times. You know, no one sees 786 00:47:18,960 --> 00:47:23,520 Speaker 1: like those struggles where you're just like, uh, you know, 787 00:47:24,120 --> 00:47:26,600 Speaker 1: but you like love your kids so much, it's never 788 00:47:26,719 --> 00:47:30,520 Speaker 1: not about that. Um. But I have really great help. 789 00:47:30,600 --> 00:47:33,799 Speaker 1: I have the best manny and nanny, and I have 790 00:47:33,920 --> 00:47:38,279 Speaker 1: these friends that will literally do anything for me I have. 791 00:47:38,800 --> 00:47:42,000 Speaker 1: I have really like the I'm so lucky to have 792 00:47:42,080 --> 00:47:44,040 Speaker 1: these people in my life. And my brother lives in 793 00:47:44,080 --> 00:47:47,200 Speaker 1: San Francisco. He'll come down any time I asked him. 794 00:47:47,239 --> 00:47:50,920 Speaker 1: He's in a car, um driving the six hour drive 795 00:47:51,000 --> 00:47:52,800 Speaker 1: to get down here and be with me and Elvis. 796 00:47:52,880 --> 00:47:55,120 Speaker 1: I mean, he thinks of Elvis as a son. So 797 00:47:56,360 --> 00:47:59,640 Speaker 1: I'm very lucky in that respect. But yeah, I mean 798 00:47:59,640 --> 00:48:04,240 Speaker 1: it's hard. It's really hard being a single parent. Um. 799 00:48:04,280 --> 00:48:06,560 Speaker 1: I mean, my heart goes out to any single parent 800 00:48:06,640 --> 00:48:10,920 Speaker 1: out there. It's hard alone to be a parent. You know. 801 00:48:11,880 --> 00:48:16,000 Speaker 1: Do you ever think about, like, dash, maybe I could 802 00:48:16,040 --> 00:48:19,000 Speaker 1: open my heart to someone else or is that just 803 00:48:19,120 --> 00:48:23,920 Speaker 1: something that you aren't allowing yourself to even think about. 804 00:48:24,080 --> 00:48:27,040 Speaker 1: And I can't believe I'm asking you such a personal question. 805 00:48:27,200 --> 00:48:31,920 Speaker 1: But I sort of feel like I can. Yeah, you can, Katie, 806 00:48:32,000 --> 00:48:35,400 Speaker 1: I mean obviously you know I asked you this question 807 00:48:35,560 --> 00:48:38,439 Speaker 1: when I when I talked to you when we first met. 808 00:48:38,600 --> 00:48:45,440 Speaker 1: I think, um, because it's so crazy, Yes, I listen. 809 00:48:46,239 --> 00:48:49,880 Speaker 1: I firmly believe that if Nick could have spoke on 810 00:48:50,040 --> 00:48:53,160 Speaker 1: his went on his days that he was lost here, 811 00:48:53,880 --> 00:48:55,880 Speaker 1: he would have looked at me and said, you better 812 00:48:55,920 --> 00:49:00,800 Speaker 1: fall in love again. You better find a amazing man 813 00:49:01,640 --> 00:49:05,080 Speaker 1: and somebody that loves Elvis as much as as much 814 00:49:05,080 --> 00:49:09,000 Speaker 1: as I possibly, you know, as much as possible. Um. 815 00:49:09,040 --> 00:49:11,040 Speaker 1: I would have said the same thing to him. So 816 00:49:11,120 --> 00:49:12,640 Speaker 1: I know he would have said the same thing to 817 00:49:12,719 --> 00:49:14,839 Speaker 1: me if he could have. I know he doesn't want 818 00:49:14,880 --> 00:49:20,479 Speaker 1: me to be alone. UM. So yeah, I I love 819 00:49:20,560 --> 00:49:25,279 Speaker 1: that idea. UM. I love having a companion. I love 820 00:49:25,320 --> 00:49:28,880 Speaker 1: being married. I love having a husband. If that happens 821 00:49:28,920 --> 00:49:33,280 Speaker 1: again in my life, I will be so grateful for it. UM. 822 00:49:33,320 --> 00:49:38,839 Speaker 1: Not ready just yet. I you know, I'm sure like 823 00:49:40,320 --> 00:49:42,319 Speaker 1: maybe i'll know. I don't know, Maybe I won't know. 824 00:49:42,400 --> 00:49:44,440 Speaker 1: I don't think it necessarily is like a day you 825 00:49:44,480 --> 00:49:49,919 Speaker 1: wake up and you're like, I'm ready to start dating. UM. 826 00:49:50,040 --> 00:49:54,720 Speaker 1: I feel grateful that I I feel. I feel okay 827 00:49:54,760 --> 00:49:57,920 Speaker 1: being alone, I feel okay being a single mother. I 828 00:49:57,920 --> 00:50:03,319 Speaker 1: feel okay not thing anyone right now. So um, I 829 00:50:03,360 --> 00:50:06,080 Speaker 1: think I'll just take it day by day and and see. 830 00:50:06,120 --> 00:50:09,319 Speaker 1: But I hope that there's somebody out there for me. 831 00:50:09,800 --> 00:50:13,960 Speaker 1: I hope. So I think there is. I know there is. 832 00:50:14,760 --> 00:50:17,799 Speaker 1: Not that I'm a witch or anything, but you know, 833 00:50:18,320 --> 00:50:20,680 Speaker 1: I have to tell you that was a beautiful moment. 834 00:50:20,800 --> 00:50:24,080 Speaker 1: It's in the book. But gosh, my mother in law, 835 00:50:24,160 --> 00:50:28,800 Speaker 1: Nick's mom, who she's a she's a warrior. Oh my god. 836 00:50:29,080 --> 00:50:35,839 Speaker 1: And she lost her husband, um three years ago. So 837 00:50:35,960 --> 00:50:38,200 Speaker 1: she's lost her husband and then she lost her son. 838 00:50:39,280 --> 00:50:42,120 Speaker 1: And one of the really tough days in the hospital 839 00:50:42,480 --> 00:50:44,600 Speaker 1: where we didn't know if Nick was going to make it, 840 00:50:45,120 --> 00:50:47,880 Speaker 1: we were outside eating lunch and she said to me, 841 00:50:47,920 --> 00:50:50,880 Speaker 1: because she was Amanda, I want you to find somebody again. 842 00:50:51,280 --> 00:50:54,040 Speaker 1: I want you to. You need to. You're you're going 843 00:50:54,080 --> 00:50:56,319 Speaker 1: to find somebody again. I want you to. Our whole 844 00:50:56,360 --> 00:50:59,640 Speaker 1: family wants you to. Okay, Like, don't you think that, 845 00:50:59,760 --> 00:51:02,560 Speaker 1: like we're gonna be mad at you or be sad 846 00:51:02,640 --> 00:51:05,560 Speaker 1: if you have a new life with somebody. You should 847 00:51:05,560 --> 00:51:10,120 Speaker 1: have a new life with somebody, And I was like 848 00:51:10,200 --> 00:51:13,000 Speaker 1: looking at her, and I was like, your son is 849 00:51:13,040 --> 00:51:17,600 Speaker 1: in the hospital passing away, and you have enough strength 850 00:51:17,840 --> 00:51:23,480 Speaker 1: and courage and love for me, um to sit here 851 00:51:23,560 --> 00:51:26,239 Speaker 1: right now and tell me that. I mean, like, I 852 00:51:26,239 --> 00:51:28,319 Speaker 1: don't know many mother in laws that would do that, 853 00:51:28,360 --> 00:51:31,239 Speaker 1: to be honest, you know, I mean like, and I 854 00:51:31,480 --> 00:51:33,440 Speaker 1: of course that day I was like, oh, Mom, you 855 00:51:33,480 --> 00:51:36,120 Speaker 1: don't know and she was like, no, yes, you're gonna 856 00:51:36,160 --> 00:51:38,480 Speaker 1: find somebody again. You're gonna you. I want you to 857 00:51:38,480 --> 00:51:40,200 Speaker 1: get married again. I want you to have a life 858 00:51:40,200 --> 00:51:47,040 Speaker 1: with somebody again. And Nick would two, Um, she's amazing, amazing. Well, 859 00:51:47,120 --> 00:51:50,920 Speaker 1: I I love talking to I'm so happy. I'm so 860 00:51:51,000 --> 00:51:53,719 Speaker 1: happy that I've gotten a chance to get to know you, 861 00:51:54,160 --> 00:51:57,080 Speaker 1: and I know that you've made a lot of new 862 00:51:57,160 --> 00:52:04,840 Speaker 1: friends through this terrible ordeal and the this unspeakable tragedy. 863 00:52:05,000 --> 00:52:08,520 Speaker 1: Really and um, you know, I just want you to 864 00:52:08,560 --> 00:52:13,000 Speaker 1: know how much I admire you, and how highly I 865 00:52:13,040 --> 00:52:18,279 Speaker 1: think of you, and how much, uh you know, how 866 00:52:18,360 --> 00:52:23,239 Speaker 1: much I too hope that you'll find happiness. But you've 867 00:52:23,320 --> 00:52:27,200 Speaker 1: just been I think an exemplary role model for people, 868 00:52:28,520 --> 00:52:33,880 Speaker 1: uh dealing with with this this kind of loss and 869 00:52:34,080 --> 00:52:38,240 Speaker 1: this kind of grief. So I'm just really I feel 870 00:52:38,360 --> 00:52:41,520 Speaker 1: it's a real privilege to know you well, Katie, I 871 00:52:41,560 --> 00:52:46,000 Speaker 1: feel the same way about you. I feel like we're 872 00:52:46,040 --> 00:52:49,040 Speaker 1: like long lost souls that were meant to be friends. 873 00:52:49,800 --> 00:52:52,279 Speaker 1: As my mom would say. That makes it official. We're 874 00:52:52,360 --> 00:52:58,760 Speaker 1: members of the Mutual Admiration Society. Yeah, thank you again 875 00:52:58,800 --> 00:53:02,080 Speaker 1: to Amanda Cludes who, as you can tell, I think 876 00:53:02,120 --> 00:53:05,240 Speaker 1: she's pretty terrific. Her book, written with her sister Anna, 877 00:53:05,360 --> 00:53:08,160 Speaker 1: is called Live Your Life, My Story of Loving and 878 00:53:08,239 --> 00:53:14,480 Speaker 1: Losing Nick Cordero. It's out now on the next installment 879 00:53:14,480 --> 00:53:17,399 Speaker 1: of my summer book series. I think that this is 880 00:53:17,680 --> 00:53:22,800 Speaker 1: the backbone of America. It is the dream of America 881 00:53:23,040 --> 00:53:27,239 Speaker 1: embodied in my mother. She did it. Ursula Burns, the 882 00:53:27,320 --> 00:53:33,040 Speaker 1: former Xerox CEO, on her extraordinary life, her trailblazing career, 883 00:53:33,440 --> 00:53:37,360 Speaker 1: and her immigrant mother who inspired it all. That's next 884 00:53:37,400 --> 00:53:46,279 Speaker 1: week on Next Question. Next Question with Katie Kurik is 885 00:53:46,280 --> 00:53:49,120 Speaker 1: a production of My Heart Media and Katie Couric Media. 886 00:53:49,400 --> 00:53:53,520 Speaker 1: The executive producers Army, Katie Curic and Courtney Litz. The 887 00:53:53,600 --> 00:53:59,440 Speaker 1: supervising producer is Lauren Hansen. Associate producers Derek Clements, Adrianna Fasio, 888 00:53:59,760 --> 00:54:03,160 Speaker 1: and to Emily Pinto. The show is edited and mixed 889 00:54:03,239 --> 00:54:07,040 Speaker 1: by Derrick Clements. For more information about today's episode, or 890 00:54:07,120 --> 00:54:09,439 Speaker 1: to sign up for my morning newsletter, wake Up Call, 891 00:54:09,760 --> 00:54:12,479 Speaker 1: go to Katie correct dot com. You can also find 892 00:54:12,480 --> 00:54:15,400 Speaker 1: me at Katie Currect on Instagram and all my social 893 00:54:15,440 --> 00:54:19,480 Speaker 1: media channels. For more podcasts from I Heart Radio, visit 894 00:54:19,480 --> 00:54:22,920 Speaker 1: the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you 895 00:54:23,000 --> 00:54:24,480 Speaker 1: listen to your favorite shows,